1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:14,000 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:32,440 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 3 00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:36,960 Goo-oo-oo-ood... 4 00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:39,400 evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 5 00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:42,320 good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome 6 00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:47,760 to QI, where tonight we'll be one massive, marvellous, molten mess. 7 00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:49,080 And here's the mix. 8 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:51,240 The massive Noel Fielding... 9 00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:53,440 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:56,880 ..the marvellous Eddie Kadi... 11 00:00:56,880 --> 00:00:59,360 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 12 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:01,640 ..the molten Sarah Millican... 13 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:04,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 14 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:06,240 ..and who will clean up this mess? 15 00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:07,440 Alan Davies. 16 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:10,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 17 00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:15,840 And let's hear your messy buzzers. 18 00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:17,200 Noel goes... 19 00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:18,840 GLASS SMASHES 20 00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:21,240 Hmm. Eddie goes... 21 00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:24,080 BUILDING COLLAPSES 22 00:01:25,320 --> 00:01:26,800 Sarah goes... 23 00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:30,000 CAR CRASHES 24 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:31,600 And Alan goes... 25 00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:34,520 FOOTBALL CROWD CHEERS 26 00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:37,720 LAUGHTER 27 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:39,520 Do you know what that was? 28 00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:41,200 April 2010. 29 00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:42,720 What's our theme? 30 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:43,760 Mess. 31 00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:44,800 Lionel? 32 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:46,480 Lionel Messi. 33 00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:49,240 Messi...scoring how many times against ARSENAL? 34 00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:50,600 Oh, four. Four times. 35 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:51,800 Yes. 36 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:53,000 I'm afraid so. 37 00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:54,440 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 38 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:56,000 There you are. 39 00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,280 Oh, dear! 40 00:01:57,280 --> 00:02:02,880 Anyway, what's...the meaning of this mess of M words? 41 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:05,200 Just choose one as it passes by. 42 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:08,920 Oh, mumbudget is how much your mum's got in her purse. 43 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:12,840 So, is that literally the budget that your mum has? 44 00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:15,360 Cos when I was growing up, I'd ask my mum for ?10 45 00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:18,520 and she'll always be like, "I don't have ?10, here's ?1." 46 00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:21,320 Right? If I asked her for ?1, she'll give me 20 pence, 47 00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:23,600 so I asked her for a million... 48 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:26,080 - Just to get it up. - Just to, yes, just to get it up. 49 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:27,760 And she slapped me. 50 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:31,960 Mumbudget is like keeping mum, it's to be silent about something. 51 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:35,040 You put the word budget after, like, there's a word fussbudget, 52 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:37,080 for example, which is someone who's very fussy. 53 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:39,960 "Oh, don't be such a fussbudget" was a Regency sort of word. 54 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:41,800 Munge! Monster Munge. 55 00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:43,760 Monster Munge! 56 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:45,760 Munge is New Zealand for minge. 57 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:47,240 Oh, munge! 58 00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:49,240 LAUGHTER 59 00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:52,000 Oh, dear, horribly true. 60 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:53,360 Monarsenous. 61 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:55,720 Yeah, a single, er...crack. 62 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:56,840 Oh! 63 00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:01,160 Mammock, the mixture of a mammoth and a hammock. 64 00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:04,080 - SARAH: - It's a bra, it's a bra. - A useful one to sleep in. 65 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:08,840 - It's where... - A mammock? - It's where I hang my mammaries. - Oh, your mammary hammock, yes. A mammock. 66 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,920 - A maness is a woman. - Yes. 67 00:03:10,920 --> 00:03:12,880 - Is a mormal...? - Is it? - Yes... - Is it? 68 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:16,160 - But what's surprising... - Is it?! - Yeah. - You got one right! 69 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:19,800 - I got one right, yeah. I'm going! - Is it actually? - Yes. 70 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:23,120 You might think that it was a recent word for a woman, a maness, 71 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:24,720 but actually it's 16th century. 72 00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:26,560 Tudor, 1500s, maness. 73 00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:28,280 - A man and a maness. - Yeah, a man... 74 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:30,640 - NOEL: - Mazology, the study of mazes. 75 00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:32,760 BUZZER ALARM Oh, no! 76 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:35,200 The study of mazes. 77 00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:38,720 Oh, you must be so stupid to get one of those go off! 78 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:42,960 - It's actually the study of mammals. - Oh! 79 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,080 - Mammals in zoology. - That live in mazes. 80 00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:46,200 Mazology, yeah. 81 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:47,360 Mogi, mogi... 82 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:49,600 Is a mutton-monger like a Welsh person? No! 83 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:53,600 I'll get into trouble for that. 84 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:56,960 It could be a man with extreme sexual appetites can be called a mutton-monger. 85 00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:58,600 - Oh, really? - So a Welshman, then. 86 00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:01,480 I pulled it back, did you see? 87 00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:04,480 Moley is someone who's like a mole, not actually a mole, 88 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:07,200 - but like a mole. - Is mole-y. - They're sort of moley. 89 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:10,640 Is a mournival like a really good funeral? 90 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,760 - Whoo! - APPLAUSE 91 00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:22,440 I'll catch up with a moley - it's actually rather a grim thing. Wonderful there is a name for it. 92 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:26,880 1950s gangs, racecourse gangs and things 93 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:30,640 were often known as razor gangs, and razors were the weapon of choice. 94 00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:33,960 People used to shave each other. 95 00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,160 - They used to... - Their legs. 96 00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:38,160 They used to conceal razors inside a potato. 97 00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:40,120 - Oh, nice. - And they called it a moley. 98 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:42,080 - NOEL: - Oh... - EDDIE: - "I'll mole you!" 99 00:04:42,080 --> 00:04:45,880 - They could keep it in their pocket without hurting themselves... - Wow. - ..and then attack. 100 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:49,680 - Better than having it concealed in your sandwiches. - Well, yes, that would be horrible. 101 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:51,960 And what other words have we come up across? 102 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:55,120 A mugwump is when you put your biscuit in your tea 103 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:56,880 and half of it falls to the bottom. 104 00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:59,440 Oh! That would be so useful as a word. 105 00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:01,440 What about munge, is that a man with a vagina? 106 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:02,720 No, it's... 107 00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:07,520 Is moggadored like if you're a cat lady? 108 00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:08,920 I'm mog-adored. 109 00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:11,960 Munge is actually a verb, and it's something mothers do, 110 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:14,720 but I don't know anybody else would do it, unless they were weird. 111 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:17,960 - I munge, you munge, we munge, they munge. - We munge, that's how verbs work. 112 00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,840 They munge! 113 00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:22,240 You've conjugated the verb "to munge" very nicely. 114 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:23,360 I have. 115 00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:25,000 - Mothers... - I munge daily. - Yeah. 116 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:28,400 - I am munge... - I will have munged, would be future perfect. - Yes. 117 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:29,800 I could have munged. 118 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:32,800 - Could have munged, I might have munged, I may well have munged. - Yes. 119 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:35,280 I cannot remember if I munged or not. 120 00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:38,200 - To munge is to wipe someone else's nose. - Wow. 121 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,680 - I did not munge. - You didn't munge. 122 00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:43,040 I munge about every 15 minutes at home. 123 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:45,960 Mesopygion...mesopygion is interesting, 124 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,880 because you almost mentioned that. 125 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:49,520 - A mesopygion. - Mesopygion. 126 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:50,800 Mesopygion. 127 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:53,920 It sounds like you're doing yourself down, "Oh me-so-pygion." 128 00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:56,280 Oh, mesopygion. Er... 129 00:05:56,280 --> 00:06:00,280 Pyg, P-Y-G is buttocks in Greek, as in styrop, styropigus, 130 00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:02,920 and beautiful fat buttocks, styropigus. 131 00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:06,600 - And mesopygius is the crack between the buttocks. - Eso what? 132 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:09,840 It's your anal fissure, your anal fissure. 133 00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:13,640 - That's what I call sexy times. - Did I say anal fisher? I'm an anal fisher. 134 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:16,480 A fissure. A fissure, I mean. 135 00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:17,520 Yeah. 136 00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:18,680 Not an anal fisher? 137 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:20,440 What else were we? 138 00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:22,920 No, no, no. An anal angler. 139 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:24,080 Oh, dear. 140 00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:29,280 - So, if you've got like an itch, you could be a mesopygion. - Yeah, that's right, yeah, you could. 141 00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:33,520 - It's amazing. - Oh, it's all running down my mesopygion. - Yeah... 142 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:34,600 Yup, there it is. 143 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:38,240 - There's got to be a word for these things, hasn't there? It's good that it exists. - Yeah. 144 00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:42,040 But you talked about mugwump earlier - "mugwump" is a word that most Americans would know, 145 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:45,040 because it has a historical place in American politics. 146 00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:48,400 Mugwumps were Republicans who deserted the Republican Party 147 00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:51,040 in the 1880s and voted Democrat. 148 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:52,280 Oh... 149 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:53,520 And so it means a turncoat, 150 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:56,400 - a political turncoat in American political discourse. - Wow. 151 00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:59,160 That person must have been really angry, who decided that word. 152 00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:02,440 - Well... - "Oh, they've gone to the other side, the mugwumps!" 153 00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:05,440 - It's an Algonquin Indian word. - Mug-wump! 154 00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:07,360 - It's Algonquin Indian. - Mugwump. 155 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:09,120 - Mullipuff? - Mullipuff. 156 00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:11,200 It's a thoughtful... 157 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:12,640 Puff! 158 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:15,160 Steady! 159 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:18,360 - It's a contemptible... - It's an absolute minefield! 160 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:21,360 - It's a contemptible, despicable person, a mullipuff. - Is it? 161 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,880 Or it is a type of puffball fungus. 162 00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:25,080 Yeah, there we are. 163 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:26,760 If you want to know what the rest mean, 164 00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:29,320 go to... 165 00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:32,240 It's a real site. 166 00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:35,000 There's one last thing I'd like to mention from the list, though. 167 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:40,080 Mytacism, which we haven't commented on, it's an excessive use of the letter M. 168 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:41,120 Ah-h-h. 169 00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:43,840 So, let's let the mytacism roll. 170 00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:47,320 Name a politician with raw animal magnetism. 171 00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:48,920 Oh...wow... 172 00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:51,080 - Ed Miliband. - THEY LAUGH 173 00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:54,440 No, but seriously. 174 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:56,840 THEY LAUGH 175 00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:59,200 It's actually a politician long dead. 176 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:01,840 Animal magnetism - where did that phrase come from? 177 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:04,400 It's not actually an obvious or natural phrase. 178 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:07,440 It seems so to us, cos we use it all the time, 179 00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:09,400 but why animal magnetism? 180 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:12,080 There's something charismatic about them physically, 181 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:15,080 - the way they move or look or do things. - Mmm. 182 00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:17,880 It's not what they say, it's their aroma. 183 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:19,600 Is it the way... 184 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,080 Yeah, free spirit. 185 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:23,800 Yeah, is it the way like a gorilla can sometimes be sexy, 186 00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:25,800 but you're not allowed to say that? 187 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:31,280 It's not banned in zoos to go, "I'd do that one, wouldn't you?" 188 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:36,000 - Where are we, is it American politicians? - No, we're back in the 19th century. 189 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:37,560 - 19th century. - 19th century, and... 190 00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:41,400 - It'll be either Gladstone or Disraeli. - A German Austrian figure called Franz... - Franz. 191 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:45,760 ..who achieved huge public recognition for what he claimed to do, 192 00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:50,760 which involved using the magnetic fluids of people 193 00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:53,160 to make them do things they didn't want to do. 194 00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:55,960 And he coined the phrase "animal magnetism," 195 00:08:55,960 --> 00:09:00,560 meaning a very basic, primal, human, magnetic quality. 196 00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:03,920 And his name was Franz M... 197 00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:05,040 M... 198 00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:06,280 Magnet. 199 00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:07,800 Mugwump. 200 00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:08,960 M... 201 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:11,000 It's a word that means it's absolutely hypnotic 202 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:12,520 and amazing, I'm m... 203 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:13,600 Mesmerising. 204 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:14,960 Yes, and so his name was? 205 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,600 - Bobby Mesmeriser. - THEY LAUGH 206 00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:21,480 I've already given you Frank...Franz, haven't I? 207 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:23,400 Franz Mesmer. 208 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:26,040 Franz Mesmer was his name. 209 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:31,280 - And he was the first great public figure to hypnotise. - Oh-h-h. 210 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:32,480 To use hypnosis. 211 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:34,200 Even the name's quite mesmerising. 212 00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:35,440 It is, the name... 213 00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:38,360 - GERMAN ACCENT: - "I am Bobby the Mesmeriser." 214 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:40,920 - Yeah. Forget the Bobby. - Frank, Franz. - Yeah. 215 00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:42,840 - I like Bobby. - You prefer Bobby, OK. 216 00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:45,280 - Yeah, cos you don't see it coming, do you? - No, you don't. 217 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:49,320 - "Hi, I'm Bobby." "Yeah, he's harmless." - Bobby Mesmer. - Where are the fluids, bodily fluids? 218 00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:52,920 - The magnetic fluids? - Yeah. - It's nonsense, but that's what he claimed existed. - Oh. 219 00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:56,400 He used what we would call basic hypnotic techniques, 220 00:09:56,400 --> 00:10:00,920 but he claimed that he was exploiting these magnetic fluids, 221 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:02,680 which don't exist in the human body, 222 00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:05,800 in order to sort of pull out the things that he could make people do. 223 00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:09,240 - It's called Rohypnol now. - Yes, I'm afraid it is! 224 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:12,360 But plenty of people believed in what he did and said - 225 00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:17,720 Coleridge, Marie Antoinette, Edgar Allan Poe, Mozart, Dickens, Conan Doyle, a lot of them. 226 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:20,840 Dickens liked to try and practise on a friend of his, 227 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:24,600 Madame de la Rue, and he once, on a train, with his wife, 228 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:28,000 was practising hypnotising on Madame de la Rue, and he wrote 229 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:31,280 that he "heard the sound of his wife's muff falling to the ground." 230 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:32,800 THEY LAUGH 231 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:35,320 Why are we laughing? 232 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:38,560 I think mine sometimes comes loose, but it's never hit the deck. 233 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:43,400 THEY LAUGH 234 00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:47,600 Oh, dear. We might come back to muffs, I hope not, but we might. 235 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:51,840 What happened is, he hypnotised his wife into a trance by accident. 236 00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:55,040 - And he heard a sound... - He heard the sound of her muff hitting the ground, 237 00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:59,160 and he turned round and saw that she had been the one who'd been hypnotised, not Madame de la Rue. 238 00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:02,160 So, his wife was...she just came in with a cup of tea, and, bang, gone. 239 00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:03,640 Yes, exactly. 240 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:08,040 But the politician whom Coleridge characterised as having animal magnetism, 241 00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:09,560 which was an insult, 242 00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:10,960 was Pitt the Younger. 243 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:15,720 - He thought Pitt the Younger exhibited these traits of animal magnetism. - Wow. 244 00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:19,160 In other words, that he somehow used some sort of force, or some 245 00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:23,280 sort of power over people, in order to persuade them to his cause. 246 00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:26,720 Yeah, and there were royal commissions to investigate it, especially in France, 247 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:28,320 Louis XVI set one up. 248 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:31,520 It was the first placebo-controlled trial in history. 249 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:34,520 They ruled that it had no basis in fact, 250 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,520 but nonetheless people continued to believe it. Yeah. 251 00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:40,320 Pitt the Younger possessed raw animal magnetism, 252 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:42,240 at least according to Coleridge. 253 00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:44,640 Now, here's an interesting effect - listen to this. 254 00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:47,520 DISTORTED RECORDING OF SPEECH 255 00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:48,840 What was being said? 256 00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:50,320 Is that the Devil? 257 00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:52,800 It was the Devil, but do you know what he was saying? 258 00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:55,920 "I'm going to be late, put the dinner on." 259 00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:56,960 Have another listen. 260 00:11:56,960 --> 00:12:00,200 DISTORTED RECORDING OF SPEECH 261 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:01,560 Now... 262 00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:05,320 Chances are you just didn't understand what it was saying, 263 00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:07,520 but if you heard it said, clearly, 264 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:09,680 then listen again to that distorted sound. 265 00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:12,200 And so this is what was being said. 266 00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:15,800 - RECORDING: - 'Try saying "blue whale" - that's bound to come up eventually.' 267 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:18,800 DISTORTED RECORDING OF SAME SPEECH 268 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:19,840 LAUGHTER 269 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:22,120 - Isn't it extraordinary? - Wow! - Hear that again... 270 00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:25,640 - RECORDING: - 'Try saying "blue whale" - that's bound to come up eventually.' 271 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:27,920 DISTORTED RECORDING OF SAME SPEECH 272 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:29,920 - EDDIE: - Yeah! - You really can hear it, can't you? 273 00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:32,800 - Sounds like he's saying it with a cold. - You're right! 274 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:35,480 It's amazing what the human brain can process. 275 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:37,800 But it needs a little bit of information - 276 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:41,440 from that apparently random sound that you thought you could never, ever understand, 277 00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:45,160 once you're told what it is, you can instantly imprint the structure of it. 278 00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:48,200 It's amazing, I think. Phenomenal, phenomenal! 279 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:53,080 What's the most inappropriate thing beginning with M that the Pope has kissed? 280 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,840 LOUD CRASH Yes, Sarah Millican? 281 00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:56,200 My breasts. 282 00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:00,880 Well, this has come as a shock to me, tell the story, where were you? 283 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:03,840 That's it, he just, he sort of fell. 284 00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:04,960 He fell on your breasts? 285 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,320 I was in, like, WH Smith's, and... 286 00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:10,560 He'd come in to bless some Bibles or something, 287 00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:14,120 and he just tripped on, cos the carpet was...and...and I had 288 00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:17,880 - a low-cut top and I don't wear one for QI, because it feels disrespectful. - Yes. 289 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,600 But I normally have them out, and he just landed, 290 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:23,200 and cos his natural inclination is to kiss things, 291 00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:24,920 - he just kissed them. - Wow! 292 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:26,600 What was his reaction? 293 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:27,960 Did he like it? 294 00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:29,280 He was pleased. 295 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:33,800 - Did he, did he go, "Mmmm"? - No, he was too polite for that, 296 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:35,800 but I could see a little glint in his eye. 297 00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:37,880 THEY LAUGH 298 00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:41,760 There's been a rapid succession of pontiffs in the last ten years or so. 299 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:44,440 So was this John Paul II, was it Benedict...? 300 00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:45,840 I can't tell them apart. 301 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:47,960 THEY LAUGH 302 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,000 Well, this is... 303 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:53,040 - It would help if they wore different outfits, but they're always in the same dress. - They are! 304 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:57,240 Anyway, a merkin, what's a merkin? 305 00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:59,480 - It's a pubic wig. - A pubic wig. - Yes. 306 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:03,280 Could a Pope kiss a pubic wig? Is it likely? 307 00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:05,640 - If he was drunk enough. - THEY LAUGH 308 00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:08,240 - On communion wine. - Had he tripped in a different way. 309 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:10,560 Well, we're going back to the 17th century. 310 00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,400 - And it was a rather... - If it was a tall lady. 311 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:14,480 I think you're going to like this man. 312 00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:16,080 There's an English... 313 00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:20,280 English highwayman called Captain Dick Dudley. 314 00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:21,600 Dicky Dudley! 315 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:24,000 Dick Dudley. I think you're going to like Dick Dudley. 316 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:25,320 He was hiding in Rome, 317 00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:28,200 and while he was hiding from the law enforcement officers, 318 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:31,560 he bought a dead prostitute's pubic wig, 319 00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:34,320 a merkin, from an anatomist. 320 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:38,160 "He dried it well and combed it out," that's in inverted commas 321 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:41,360 cos it's a quotation, "and sold it to the Pope." 322 00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:43,920 - There they are, there's a selection of them. - Wow! 323 00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:45,920 I like the one on the bottom right. 324 00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:47,600 - That's excellent. - Yes, nice curls. 325 00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:50,560 Yeah. That's had a perm, that one. 326 00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:53,840 - So, this was Ann Summers back in the day. - Yeah. - Kind of. 327 00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:55,000 My goodness. 328 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:59,520 He sold it to the Pope, it could have been Clement X or Innocent XI, 329 00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:01,880 as a piece of St Peter's beard. 330 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:05,960 THEY LAUGH 331 00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:07,080 And... 332 00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,080 THEY LAUGH 333 00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:10,200 Oh, well done, him! 334 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,720 Popes like relics. He's a great man, I like Dick Dudley. 335 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,440 Pope Gullible IV. 336 00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:16,720 Yeah! Exactly! THEY LAUGH 337 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:18,400 - "A beard, you say? Hmm." - THEY LAUGH 338 00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:19,480 "St Peter's!" 339 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:25,080 Exactly, Alan, the Pope put it on his mouth, kissed it multiple times 340 00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:27,160 and appeared to be thrilled with his purchase. 341 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:30,600 Dick was paid 100 ducats, and he immediately skedaddled it 342 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:34,480 out of Rome before anybody caught up with him, called his muff...bluff! 343 00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:36,360 LAUGHTER 344 00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:37,800 Wow. 345 00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:42,560 But they've existed in Britain as pubic wigs since the 14th century, at least. 346 00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:46,560 And were especially useful for women who'd lost their pubic hair due to...? 347 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:50,440 - Disease. - Waxing? - Yes, syphilis. Through what? 348 00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:52,640 - Waxing. - Waxing. No! HE LAUGHS 349 00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:55,360 That picture looks like the sun if it forgot to shave. 350 00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:57,240 Yes, it does rather, doesn't it? 351 00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:59,360 - Or Mick Hucknall. - Hipster sun. 352 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:03,000 You have to get up early to catch the sun unshaven. 353 00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:07,680 Anyway, when in Rome, don't kiss St Peter's beard, 354 00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:09,440 you don't know where it's been. 355 00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:12,720 What did Marie Antoinette keep in her muff? 356 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,480 - Cake. - BUZZER ALARM 357 00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,720 Oh! 358 00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:20,640 - We were there before you, Eddie, I'm sorry. - Welcome. 359 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:22,600 Yeah, welcome to our world, exactly. 360 00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:26,640 I told you we'd return to muffs, and here we have with a vengeance. 361 00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:29,920 What did people keep in muffs? What did women keep in muffs? 362 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:33,200 There was a particular thing, a fashionable accessory. 363 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:34,440 Mirror. 364 00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:36,880 - A living, moving accessory. - Ooh. 365 00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:38,240 A hamster? 366 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:41,080 Maybe that just WAS the muff. 367 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:44,400 Well, you know what Chinese people kept in their large sleeves? 368 00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:45,960 A crocodile. 369 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:50,680 A wild guess, and I wish it were correct, it's... 370 00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:52,760 - A duck. - Not a duck. 371 00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:55,640 - That's what Pekingese dogs were bred for. - A dog. 372 00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:57,920 - Yeah, so dogs. - In their sleeves? - Yeah. 373 00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:02,040 But the muffs, which were sometimes known as snuffkins in England, 374 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:04,880 were worn by both men and women, not just women. 375 00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:10,320 - King Louis XIV had muffs made of tiger, panther, otter and beaver skins. - Wow. 376 00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,400 In his diary, Samuel Pepys reported that, 377 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:16,960 "This day I did first wear a muff, being my wife's last year's muff." 378 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:20,360 SARAH LAUGHS MANICALLY 379 00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:23,400 All right... The Marquis de Sade, who was imprisoned in the Bastille, 380 00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:25,880 of course, had letters smuggled in by his wife, 381 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:27,320 which she kept in her muff. 382 00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:28,760 LAUGHTER 383 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:30,760 Now, come on. If I say muff enough, it's... 384 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,640 Can you just control yourselves?! 385 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:34,600 YOU don't...you, how... 386 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:37,680 Well, I haven't said anything about the vagina for four minutes! 387 00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:43,680 There's a marvellous woman called Celestine Galli-Marie, 388 00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:45,880 who was the first woman to play Carmen. 389 00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:49,200 - She always kept a marmoset in her muff. - Of course she did. 390 00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:54,000 So, there you are. There's a lot of... 391 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:57,800 - Where else are you going to put it? - Yeah, exactly, there's fun to be had from muffs. 392 00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:00,640 Muffs were once used to store dogs. Muff said. 393 00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:03,360 Now, for a question about meteorology. 394 00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:07,880 Why did the inventor of the weather forecast think that dinosaurs had died out? 395 00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:12,080 Maybe he loved dinosaurs, right? He loved them so much 396 00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:16,840 - he wished he could actually let them know before the weather changed and killed them off. - Yeah. 397 00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:20,280 And he started going, "Do you know what? I'm going to resist this happening again, 398 00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:24,080 "I'm creating the weather forecast, just in case dinosaurs come back and they need it." 399 00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:25,880 Here's a man who had... 400 00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:30,560 ..an extraordinary and brilliant idea, 401 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:33,160 and he had an incredibly stupid idea. 402 00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:36,600 But the world believed his stupid idea, 403 00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:40,200 but laughed derisively at his good idea. 404 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:43,760 His name was FitzRoy and he invented the weather forecast 405 00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:47,960 and said he could forecast the weather, given, you know, enough knowledge of the variables. 406 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,840 And people laughed him to scorn. 407 00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:55,400 But then he said, "I know why dinosaurs died out. 408 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:59,320 "Because they were too big to fit onto Noah's Ark." 409 00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:02,280 And people said, "That's a brilliant point, you're right." 410 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:07,040 And that's true. He was genuinely respected for thinking that. 411 00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:10,360 - And that is rubbish because that ark was huge, wasn't it? - Yeah, that's right. 412 00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:12,920 It's because Tyrannosaurus Rex's arms were so small, 413 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:15,840 they couldn't get the umbrella over their head. 414 00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:17,120 And he... 415 00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:19,760 I'm sure Noah would have factored that in, wouldn't he? 416 00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:22,760 Noah would have had a whole... dinosaur section, it's absurd. 417 00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:25,920 You seem to be buying into this whole Noah's Ark idea. 418 00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:27,680 Was there a weather forecast? 419 00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:31,000 The dinosaurs said, "No, no, we'll stay, I'm sure it'll be fine." 420 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:32,480 They're just really positive. 421 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:35,120 - They were deluded. - They were very sort of optimistic. 422 00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:39,040 And when the flood came they thought, "Oh, shit, actually it's much worse than we thought." 423 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:42,520 I've just got the image now of a weather...cave weatherman doing the weather... 424 00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:45,440 - I don't know why there'd be a cave weatherman. - ..on a cave, and then 425 00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:48,360 all the dinosaurs sort of gathering round to see the pollen count. 426 00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:53,680 FitzRoy, does the name mean anything to you, in terms of natural history? 427 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:54,720 A bastard. 428 00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:58,800 He was perhaps best known for being the guy in charge of the Beagle. 429 00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:00,600 - He was a friend of Darwin's. - Oh. 430 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:04,000 But despite being a friend of Darwin's, he didn't believe anything Darwin said. 431 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:08,320 In fact, he was outraged by Darwin's Theory of Evolution, because Darwin didn't take into account... 432 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:12,360 "Oh, Charles, for God's sake, they just didn't have enough room on the Ark for them!" 433 00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:14,680 Yeah, exactly. THEY LAUGH 434 00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:17,640 Basically, that's what he tried... 435 00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:20,400 "Oh, yadda, yadda, yadda, Charles! 436 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,880 "I'm telling you, it's going to rain in the morning." 437 00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:24,880 "Oh, don't be ridiculous, FitzRoy!" 438 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:27,240 THEY LAUGH 439 00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:28,720 "You can't possibly know that." 440 00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:30,840 "I'm telling you, it is!" 441 00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:33,840 - Well, it was 20 years... - What a pair! - They were a pair. 442 00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:37,160 20 years after the Beagle, he started his weather forecasting, 443 00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:39,960 and actually it did catch on, despite the initial scepticism. 444 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,920 In fact, even Queen Victoria used to send word round 445 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:45,920 asking what sort of crossing she'd get to the Isle of Wight. 446 00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:49,160 He lived in Norwood and he would send a message saying, "It'll be windy." 447 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:50,840 Lived in Norwood! That's funny to me. 448 00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:53,520 - It is, I know. Only Victorians lived in Norwood. - Norwood. 449 00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:56,120 Maybe Norwood was quite nice then, but, Christ, it's a khazi. 450 00:20:57,600 --> 00:21:00,160 His first ever weather forecast, it was in the Times, 451 00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:01,560 and was four words. 452 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:04,400 "Moderate, westerly wind, fine." 453 00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:08,720 I thought you were going say, "Bloody pissing down." 454 00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:11,160 Well, there you are. 455 00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:15,000 The word "meteorology" comes from the Greek for "things high up," 456 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:16,880 and in terms of high up, 457 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:19,680 they used to use frogs for telling the weather forecast. 458 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:22,840 They built them little ladders and put them in a jar. 459 00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:26,800 - Of course they did. - And they thought if they went up the ladder, it was going to be fine. 460 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:29,440 If they went down the ladder, it was going to be a bit wet. 461 00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:31,320 Giving you the idea of it. OK. 462 00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:34,720 Did frogs... Did frogs even know what ladders were? 463 00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:38,200 I don't think they have to know what they are, do they? 464 00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:41,080 - Did they just like...? - They just have to have the instinct to climb. 465 00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:44,440 - So, it could have been anything, didn't have to be ladders. - It didn't have to be. 466 00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:48,800 "Where's the frog?" "He's halfway up." "But which way is he looking?" "He's looking down." 467 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:51,760 Just say, "Scattered showers, scattered showers." 468 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,360 - I think you're right. - "Sunny spells. Sunny spells." 469 00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:59,320 Just do a cloud with a bit of the sun, half the sun. 470 00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:02,240 What if it was foggy? 471 00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:04,880 "He's gone on an escalator, it's foggy." 472 00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:10,840 - Maybe he was trying to get out the top. - Yeah. That's what he's trying to do. - He's trying to escape. 473 00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:14,000 One day, the ladder's right up to the top and the frog's fucked off, 474 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:15,600 and then what's going to happen? 475 00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:19,840 Left a note, "I've no idea what the weather's going to be like. 476 00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:21,080 "I'm out of here." 477 00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:23,120 I'm out of this game. 478 00:22:23,120 --> 00:22:24,600 APPLAUSE 479 00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:26,400 There we have it. 480 00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:30,960 That's right, the father of meteorology thought that 481 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:33,520 the dinosaurs were too big for Noah's Ark. 482 00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,520 When does the weekend start? 483 00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,240 - Here! - Here! 484 00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:38,880 BUZZER ALARM 485 00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:40,200 Nooo! 486 00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:44,520 Oh, Alan, wrong. 487 00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:46,640 THEY LAUGH 488 00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:51,560 I'm speaking in what historians use as that rather annoying present tense, that they say, 489 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:54,680 "And the World War starts in 1914," 490 00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:56,400 and the weekend starts... 491 00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:58,640 In other words, it's historian's past tense... 492 00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:00,720 No, the one that I really hate is the columnists, 493 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:02,080 when they're going somewhere, 494 00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:04,520 and they always put, "To the awards at the Dorchester..." 495 00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:06,840 Oh, yes. So annoying, isn't it? 496 00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:09,720 Also being "caught up" - they interview someone and say, 497 00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:13,040 "I finally caught up with him in the rehearsal rooms of..." 498 00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:17,000 You didn't catch up with him, you arranged to meet, precisely there. 499 00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:19,480 This idea that you were running round going, "Where is he? 500 00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:21,440 "I'm going to catch up with him!" 501 00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:23,360 - But a worse one than that... - Preposterous! 502 00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:27,000 I gave an interview to a journalist once who was late, wasn't his fault, but he was late, 503 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:30,360 and I said to him, "Are you going to have enough? You've got to write quite a lot." 504 00:23:30,360 --> 00:23:32,080 And he said, "Oh, I don't know..." 505 00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:36,280 I said, "If you think of anything you wanted to ask me, just give me a ring and we'll..." 506 00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:39,480 So he rang me the next day, and he left a message, and I rang him back. 507 00:23:39,480 --> 00:23:42,040 Anyway, when they put the article in the magazine, they put, 508 00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:44,400 "A few days after this interview, Davies calls me..." 509 00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:45,480 STEPHEN GASPS 510 00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:46,520 What ch... 511 00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:49,960 - "He wants to talk about the gig I saw him do at such-and-such a venue..." - What?! 512 00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,360 "It's playing on his..." I didn't fucking call you! 513 00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:53,640 LAUGHTER 514 00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:57,440 You were late, you useless shitbag! 515 00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:01,800 Like I was desperate, I was so... 516 00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:05,040 Pacing about thinking, "Oh, my God, I'd better call him about the gig." 517 00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:06,120 "Davies calls me"! 518 00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:09,240 "Davies calls me and climbs halfway up the ladder." 519 00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:11,920 "Looks like rain again." 520 00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:13,120 Ohh, dear. 521 00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:16,480 "A few days later, Davies punches me in the face." 522 00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:21,400 - Hashtag #celebrityproblems. - Yeah. 523 00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:22,920 Erm... It's... 524 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:25,280 It's 15 years ago, it still pisses me off! 525 00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:28,040 THEY LAUGH 526 00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:30,720 APPLAUSE 527 00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:32,600 Oh, dear! 528 00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:34,360 So, yeah, the weekend starting now. 529 00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:37,320 Well, it is actually a fairly modern concept... 530 00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:38,840 - Is it? - ..ish, yeah. 531 00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:42,360 Yeah, in The Ragged-Trousered Philanthropists, 532 00:24:42,360 --> 00:24:45,600 they work six days a week, they don't work on Sunday, of course. 533 00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:48,040 And then they have one day's holiday a year. 534 00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:50,240 - Yeah. - And they go on a beano to Margate 535 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:52,360 - and get completely wankered. - Mmm. 536 00:24:53,360 --> 00:24:55,640 Magnificent work. It is a great... 537 00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:58,400 - No, it is a great novel, it's a truly great novel. - Brilliant book. 538 00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:02,360 Robert Tressell wrote that, didn't he, just after the invention, if you like, of the weekend. 539 00:25:02,360 --> 00:25:04,040 Before, for 300 years at least, 540 00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:07,000 there'd been what was known as Saint Monday, 541 00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:11,280 which was very much a holy day for workers on which they didn't work. 542 00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:14,040 - Like a bank holiday. - Yeah, every Monday. 543 00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:15,560 It started in the 17th century, 544 00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:18,440 you spent Monday with friends drinking and socialising. 545 00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:21,320 I always feel slightly cheated if it's a bank holiday 546 00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:24,640 and I haven't realised. About 12 o'clock, Spartacus comes on 547 00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:26,920 and I go, "There's no-one on the streets." 548 00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:28,200 THEY LAUGH 549 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:31,280 "Spartacus is on. It's got to be a bank holiday." 550 00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:34,840 I have to phone my friends with jobs and go, "Is it a bank holiday?" 551 00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:36,880 "Yeah, it is." 552 00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:38,480 "Never had a job, you dick." 553 00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:44,680 Yeah, after the Industrial Revolution introduced regular working hours, 554 00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:47,960 factory workers adapted by routinely taking Monday off. 555 00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:51,320 Those who DID turn up to work on Monday usually got sent home from factories 556 00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:53,880 - cos there weren't enough people manning the machines. - Wow. 557 00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:57,440 - Yeah, surprising, isn't it? - But a lot of people are still playing into that culture. 558 00:25:57,440 --> 00:25:58,680 Yes, they are! 559 00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:02,280 But, yeah, the weekend was introduced as a compromise from employers 560 00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:05,600 to overcome this Saint Monday business, and they gave... 561 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:08,600 - Half of Saturday was off. - Half of Saturday. 562 00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:11,440 - And that's why football was a big thing. - Yes, that's exactly right. 563 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:15,560 Because football was three o'clock on a Saturday afternoon, so the factories would empty and... 564 00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:19,080 Then they had Sunday off, so they had a day and a half that just became the weekend, 565 00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:21,240 and then that slowly became the whole Saturday. 566 00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:23,720 And that's why Saturday night became the big boozy night, 567 00:26:23,720 --> 00:26:26,640 - cos you couldn't drink on a Sunday cos of God. - Mmm, that's right. 568 00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:31,240 - God was inflicted on people as a punishment for trying to have a nice time on their day off. - Precisely! 569 00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:35,240 "No, no, no, you've got to think about God, dress up and..." 570 00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:37,120 Yeah. Thing is... 571 00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:38,240 LAUGHTER 572 00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:40,840 - I don't think that's... - Shops weren't open until 1994. 573 00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:42,680 - Those were the days. - Cor! 574 00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:45,480 Those were the days, when you couldn't get bread or milk, 575 00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:46,800 I used to love those days. 576 00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:48,400 Yes, thank God it's Friday, 577 00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:51,440 but thank Saint Monday that you get the weekends off. 578 00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:53,480 Now, I'm going to do something with my mouth. 579 00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:55,360 What do you think? 580 00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:57,120 HE INHALES TWICE 581 00:26:57,120 --> 00:26:58,400 Yes or no? 582 00:26:58,400 --> 00:26:59,880 Er, yes. 583 00:26:59,880 --> 00:27:01,360 Yes is right. 584 00:27:01,360 --> 00:27:03,080 - Oh, phew! - That was yes. 585 00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:04,600 THEY LAUGH 586 00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:06,920 Well done. 587 00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:09,160 In the Swedish town of Umea, that is "yes," to go... 588 00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:10,800 HE INHALES TWICE 589 00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:12,800 Which you can sort of do in English, going... 590 00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:14,600 RAPIDLY INHALES: "Yeah, yeah, yeah..." 591 00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:17,560 - Oh, that's their way of saying yes? - Yeah, their way of saying yes. 592 00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:20,640 What's interesting is the idea that there may or may not be 593 00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:23,120 a universal way of signalling yes or no. 594 00:27:23,120 --> 00:27:25,080 Darwin was very interested in the idea, 595 00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:28,240 and he looked all over the world to the different cultures to see 596 00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:31,200 whether they nodded and shook for yes and no. 597 00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:35,720 Mostly, it seems that nodding for yes and shaking for no... 598 00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:37,240 Shaking for Timotei. 599 00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:39,040 Yeah, indeed, in the middle. 600 00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:40,280 And nodding for dandruff. 601 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:42,280 But there's a reason, some people think, 602 00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:45,000 why it may be that there's a "yes" and a "no." 603 00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:47,800 The babies, if you offer them food and they don't want it, 604 00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:49,280 - what do they do? - Yeah, they... 605 00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:51,240 They turn their head away, they do that. 606 00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:53,960 It's a shaking of the head, if you like, a kind of... 607 00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:56,960 - I never do that. - And if they want... No! 608 00:27:56,960 --> 00:27:59,640 If they want food... 609 00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:00,760 LAUGHTER 610 00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:02,200 Oh, dear! 611 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:06,800 ..they incline their heads if they want food. 612 00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:09,920 They seem to incline their heads, generally speaking, around the world. 613 00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:12,960 Is it, do you know, well, you grew up in Democratic Republic of Congo, 614 00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:15,000 is there a "yes" and "no" head-shaking thing? 615 00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:17,160 You know, my friend was in Ethiopia, 616 00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:19,320 and she said she was at a restaurant, 617 00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:21,880 and the guy was asking, "What foods do you have?" 618 00:28:21,880 --> 00:28:23,480 - And he just kept going... - HE SQUEAKS 619 00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:25,320 - "Do you have any...?" - HE SQUEAKS 620 00:28:25,320 --> 00:28:27,680 So she's like, "I think he's having a panic attack!" 621 00:28:27,680 --> 00:28:29,880 He goes, "No, they've got everything on the list." 622 00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:32,680 - Literally, that was yes, their way of saying yes was... - HE SQUEAKS 623 00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:35,520 But in Africa in general, including Congo, 624 00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:37,600 we have sound effects that we use. 625 00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:39,640 You know, your mum, when she's going, "Ah-ha!", 626 00:28:39,640 --> 00:28:40,880 it means she's agreeing. 627 00:28:40,880 --> 00:28:43,600 When she goes, "Ah-ah!" it means she doesn't want it. 628 00:28:43,600 --> 00:28:47,480 So, Dad will be like, "Darling, did you, you know, put the kids to bed?" 629 00:28:47,480 --> 00:28:49,040 And she's like, "Ah-ha." 630 00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:51,600 "So can you put me to bed?" "Ah-ah!" 631 00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:53,800 - Very dramatic. - And it literally is that, you see, 632 00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:56,600 you'll see a lot of Africans, when they're talking, it's like, 633 00:28:56,600 --> 00:28:59,120 "Ah-ah! Ah-ha!" "Ehh?" "Ohh!" "Ah-haaa!" 634 00:28:59,120 --> 00:29:01,000 LAUGHTER 635 00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:02,680 It looks like an argument, 636 00:29:02,680 --> 00:29:04,960 but they're having the most pleasant conversation. 637 00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:10,880 You mentioned Ethiopia there, cos actually, Darwin, one of the peoples he looked into were the Abyssinians, 638 00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:15,000 as they were then called, and they apparently said "no" by jerking the head to the right shoulder 639 00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:17,480 and making a slight cluck... HE CLUCKS HIS TONGUE 640 00:29:17,480 --> 00:29:22,440 ..while "yes" was expressed by the head being thrown backwards and the eyebrows raised for an instant. 641 00:29:22,440 --> 00:29:25,040 But it's Bulgaria where the opposite is true, 642 00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:28,200 that a nod means "no" and a head-shake means "yes." 643 00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:30,880 What about if you're patting your head and rubbing your tummy? 644 00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:32,080 What does that mean? 645 00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:35,360 Too much time on your hands. 646 00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:38,200 It means, "I'm available but don't touch me." 647 00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:39,440 LAUGHTER 648 00:29:39,440 --> 00:29:43,400 Now, why do you never see a mongoose and a rat together? 649 00:29:43,400 --> 00:29:45,120 - Same person. - Yeah. 650 00:29:45,120 --> 00:29:46,480 BUZZER ALARM 651 00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:52,360 Oh! Oh, no! 652 00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:56,200 It was too good to be punished, I'm so sorry. 653 00:29:56,200 --> 00:29:58,520 - That's really sad. SARAH: - Do they just not get on? 654 00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:00,640 Well, we're talking about their lifestyles. 655 00:30:00,640 --> 00:30:01,720 Yeah. 656 00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:03,360 One is day, one is night? 657 00:30:03,360 --> 00:30:04,680 Exactly. 658 00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:05,720 SHE GASPS 659 00:30:05,720 --> 00:30:07,320 Rats are nocturnal, and mongoose... 660 00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:12,240 - Mongooses, mongeese, are diurnal, they... - Do they not, like, pass, like... 661 00:30:12,240 --> 00:30:15,640 One's like, "Night-night," and the other's like... Yeah, yeah. 662 00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:17,640 "Have a nice day - I've shat everywhere." 663 00:30:17,640 --> 00:30:19,600 LAUGHTER 664 00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:23,120 It was a particular issue in Hawaii. 665 00:30:23,120 --> 00:30:25,120 They had a rat infestation, 666 00:30:25,120 --> 00:30:29,360 so they decided to bring in some mongoose to deal with them. 667 00:30:29,360 --> 00:30:32,720 - But... - Playing the didgeridoo. 668 00:30:32,720 --> 00:30:34,360 LAUGHTER 669 00:30:34,360 --> 00:30:36,960 They brought in the mongoose to deal with the rat population, 670 00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:38,200 and of course it didn't work, 671 00:30:38,200 --> 00:30:40,240 because they lived at different times of day. 672 00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:43,480 And so the mongoose also fed on the natural endemic birds of Hawaii, 673 00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:45,960 and their populations went screaming down... 674 00:30:45,960 --> 00:30:49,440 - Somebody should have worked that out before they did that. - They should have done. 675 00:30:49,440 --> 00:30:51,480 It was in the early-ish, mid-19th century, 676 00:30:51,480 --> 00:30:54,480 when people were less knowledgeable about wildlife than they are now. 677 00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:57,400 The people of Samoa were about to introduce to mongoose 678 00:30:57,400 --> 00:30:59,080 to deal with their rat problem 679 00:30:59,080 --> 00:31:03,760 when a resident of Hawaii wrote to them and said, "Don't do this, it's destroyed our birdlife even more." 680 00:31:03,760 --> 00:31:05,240 So it saved Samoa. 681 00:31:05,240 --> 00:31:08,400 That's why they invented the moon, to get rid of the sun. 682 00:31:09,600 --> 00:31:11,200 LAUGHTER 683 00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:17,560 - I think you're onto something there. - Yeah. 684 00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:19,400 It's... I'm loving it. 685 00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:21,640 It was a mongoose that invented the moon. 686 00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:23,040 There's one bird which, 687 00:31:23,040 --> 00:31:26,520 surprisingly, they're very pleased has not thrived, 688 00:31:26,520 --> 00:31:28,840 or thriven, in Hawaii, 689 00:31:28,840 --> 00:31:31,160 and that's one of the most beautiful of all birds. 690 00:31:31,160 --> 00:31:32,240 - The dodo. - Peacock. 691 00:31:32,240 --> 00:31:35,280 - Not the dodo, that's not thriving anywhere. SARAH: - Flamingo. Tits. 692 00:31:35,280 --> 00:31:38,400 - EDDIE: - The robin. - Peacock. - The hummingbird, did you say? 693 00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:41,360 NO, I said robin, but, yeah, I'll take hummingbird. 694 00:31:40,560 --> 00:31:42,840 Hummingbird is the right answer, Eddie, well done. 695 00:31:42,840 --> 00:31:46,880 You'd think, why would anybody not want to have hummingbirds? 696 00:31:46,880 --> 00:31:48,520 But one of the main crops of Hawaii, 697 00:31:48,520 --> 00:31:50,880 - out of which they make a lot of money... - Pineapple. 698 00:31:50,880 --> 00:31:52,800 ..is the pineapple, absolutely right. 699 00:31:52,800 --> 00:31:57,440 And hummingbirds are marvellous pollinators of pineapples, 700 00:31:57,440 --> 00:32:01,920 but unfortunately if you pollinate it, it's filled with seeds and is much less juicy and much less tasty. 701 00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:03,920 - Right. - So they don't want hummingbirds. 702 00:32:03,920 --> 00:32:05,720 I once ate a whole pineapple. 703 00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:07,400 - DID you?! - Yeah. 704 00:32:07,400 --> 00:32:10,040 - Not the skin, though? - No, no, I, like, you know... 705 00:32:10,040 --> 00:32:12,840 I cored it and stuff, I didn't, like, eat the whole thing, just... 706 00:32:12,840 --> 00:32:13,880 THEY LAUGH 707 00:32:13,880 --> 00:32:15,520 That's what I imagined. 708 00:32:15,520 --> 00:32:18,680 Just like that with the spiky top hanging out. 709 00:32:19,640 --> 00:32:22,720 - NOEL: - I thought like the Pope, you just fell over and swallowed... 710 00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:24,560 THEY LAUGH 711 00:32:24,560 --> 00:32:27,600 It was just after the Pope kissed her on the knockers. 712 00:32:27,600 --> 00:32:30,920 - That's how I celebrated. - "Imagine what I'd do with an entire pineapple!" 713 00:32:30,920 --> 00:32:33,040 Now, what could you learn from a meerkat? 714 00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:34,760 - EDDIE: - Oh... 715 00:32:34,760 --> 00:32:36,800 Oh! How to accessorise? 716 00:32:37,800 --> 00:32:40,120 Well, clearly, very beautifully clothed. 717 00:32:40,120 --> 00:32:43,640 - Not how to put mascara on. - No, that's not impressive, is it? 718 00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:47,000 Don't offer a cigarette to a drawing of a cat? 719 00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:48,160 No! 720 00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:54,520 THEY ALL LAUGH 721 00:32:57,400 --> 00:32:59,120 What are meerkats a type of? 722 00:32:59,120 --> 00:33:01,920 They're a type of meer, or possibly a type of kat. 723 00:33:01,920 --> 00:33:03,120 LAUGHTER 724 00:33:03,120 --> 00:33:06,280 - They're actually a sort of mongoose. - Mongoose. - Oh! - A sort of mongoose. 725 00:33:06,280 --> 00:33:08,760 - Do you know what they do? - Is a mongoose a goose? 726 00:33:08,760 --> 00:33:10,920 - The men fight... - What's that one doing? 727 00:33:11,920 --> 00:33:15,600 - What's he doing with his hands?! - He's meering! - EDDIE: - Impression of a mongoose. 728 00:33:15,600 --> 00:33:18,560 The males fight so that one becomes dominant, and then he has his pick 729 00:33:18,560 --> 00:33:21,480 of the females, and he thinks he's in charge, and he'll usually 730 00:33:21,480 --> 00:33:24,640 drive out the second most dominant one, and then he'll live on his own. 731 00:33:24,640 --> 00:33:27,560 But the women sneak out to see him. 732 00:33:27,560 --> 00:33:29,360 Oh, that's very sweet. 733 00:33:29,360 --> 00:33:32,040 And that's how they keep mixing up the genes, you know? 734 00:33:32,040 --> 00:33:34,200 - Yes, getting a diverse pool. - The women sneak out. 735 00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:36,880 I saw, there was a whole programme about it. It's quite funny. 736 00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:38,600 They had quite funny little footage 737 00:33:38,600 --> 00:33:40,720 of the women kind of sneaking out of the camp. 738 00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:43,920 - Like, climbing down, like, knotted sort of... - Yeah, basically, yeah! 739 00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:46,800 And then she met up with Brian or whatever, and they did it, 740 00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:49,080 they literally did it in a bush! 741 00:33:49,080 --> 00:33:50,560 LAUGHTER 742 00:33:50,560 --> 00:33:53,040 And then she went back to camp as if nothing had happened! 743 00:33:53,040 --> 00:33:55,200 No woman would sneak out for a Brian! 744 00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:56,600 No?! 745 00:33:56,600 --> 00:33:59,040 - We're quite choosy. - Animal magnetism. 746 00:33:59,040 --> 00:34:01,320 Animal magnetism. That's the one. 747 00:34:01,320 --> 00:34:05,040 The question asked was, "What do we learn from meerkats?" 748 00:34:05,040 --> 00:34:09,480 - Well, if it's a driving instructor, it'll be driving. - Yes... 749 00:34:11,000 --> 00:34:15,400 Let's...let's suppose it isn't a driving instructor. 750 00:34:15,400 --> 00:34:18,760 - Let's suppose they're in the wild, in Africa. - Is it a danger thing? 751 00:34:18,760 --> 00:34:21,280 We learnt they're one of the very few animals, 752 00:34:21,280 --> 00:34:24,720 other than human beings, who teach their young. 753 00:34:24,720 --> 00:34:27,400 - Oh, they have classes. - Kind of do, yeah. 754 00:34:27,400 --> 00:34:30,000 Ah! Little books and things. 755 00:34:30,000 --> 00:34:34,360 They sacrifice time and effort, with no apparent gain to self, to teach. 756 00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:36,320 That one's a supply teacher. 757 00:34:36,320 --> 00:34:38,000 LAUGHTER 758 00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:40,760 He's got that look! 759 00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:43,640 They also gradually make their lessons harder for their pupil. 760 00:34:43,640 --> 00:34:45,480 One of the things they have to teach them, 761 00:34:45,480 --> 00:34:48,280 for example, is how to deal with a scorpion. 762 00:34:48,280 --> 00:34:51,640 So they start by giving them a scorpion that's dead, 763 00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:54,720 - then a live one with no sting. - Oh, my God! 764 00:34:54,720 --> 00:34:57,440 And then, finally, as you can see - there it is watching - 765 00:34:57,440 --> 00:34:59,680 making sure that it's all going well, 766 00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:02,240 if the scorpion escapes, it pushes it back in. 767 00:35:02,240 --> 00:35:05,040 And then eventually they give one a scorpion with a sting, 768 00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:07,080 so that they make sure their young pup... 769 00:35:07,080 --> 00:35:09,960 The last lesson is, "Don't get in that square with a scorpion!" 770 00:35:09,960 --> 00:35:12,480 Yeah! LAUGHTER 771 00:35:12,480 --> 00:35:14,320 But I think it's rather... 772 00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:16,840 If you see a square with a scorpion in it, go round it. 773 00:35:18,920 --> 00:35:20,600 It is pretty impressive, isn't it? 774 00:35:20,600 --> 00:35:24,400 It's amazing! And do any of the young die? 775 00:35:24,400 --> 00:35:25,960 I think they're such good teachers, 776 00:35:25,960 --> 00:35:28,480 - they know exactly what they're doing. - Really? - Yeah. 777 00:35:28,480 --> 00:35:30,720 They don't give them a live one, even WITHOUT a sting, 778 00:35:30,720 --> 00:35:32,760 until they're absolutely sure they can cope. 779 00:35:32,760 --> 00:35:36,000 - And you would start on, like, your least favourite bairn. Wouldn't you? - Yes! 780 00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:37,880 While you were learning how to teach. 781 00:35:37,880 --> 00:35:41,360 "He's boring, let's do him first. He's lazy." 782 00:35:41,360 --> 00:35:44,160 And you'd keep your good bairn for the end. 783 00:35:44,160 --> 00:35:46,680 Are you saying there's no bad students, only bad teachers? 784 00:35:46,680 --> 00:35:49,120 I mean, imagine that. "You are ready." G-doong! 785 00:35:49,120 --> 00:35:51,040 "Oh, you weren't ready, shit!" 786 00:35:54,080 --> 00:35:55,400 "Brian!" 787 00:35:55,400 --> 00:35:59,000 "I said a scorpion with no tail! Oh, God!" 788 00:36:01,160 --> 00:36:03,680 But other animals teach. I mean, it seems that 789 00:36:03,680 --> 00:36:06,000 formal teaching is clear in the ant world. 790 00:36:06,000 --> 00:36:08,360 They engage in tandem running, 791 00:36:08,360 --> 00:36:11,160 whereby a leader guides a pupil to a food store 792 00:36:11,160 --> 00:36:12,560 like that. There we are. 793 00:36:12,560 --> 00:36:14,840 The leader adjusts its speed of running, even though 794 00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:17,800 it means getting to the food four times more slowly 795 00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:19,360 just so the little one can catch up. 796 00:36:19,360 --> 00:36:21,960 So you can see it's very clearly leading it, 797 00:36:21,960 --> 00:36:23,360 and the other one's following. 798 00:36:23,360 --> 00:36:26,720 They also count their strides to measure how far they've travelled. 799 00:36:26,720 --> 00:36:29,760 It's easier on that cos they're on squared paper. 800 00:36:29,760 --> 00:36:31,480 LAUGHTER 801 00:36:34,680 --> 00:36:36,960 "This is a grid. Shit!" 802 00:36:38,040 --> 00:36:41,000 Well, we've much to learn from ants and much to learn from meerkats. 803 00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:43,880 And so to the fearful mess that we call General Ignorance. 804 00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:48,920 Fingers on buzzers, please. How can I tell the age of this tree? 805 00:36:48,920 --> 00:36:51,320 - Chop it down. - CRASH! 806 00:36:51,320 --> 00:36:54,280 - Yeah, count the rings. - KLAXON Oh! 807 00:36:54,280 --> 00:36:56,760 - Is that not right? - Well, not really, no. 808 00:36:56,760 --> 00:36:59,680 It's a sort of rough guide, but it doesn't really tell you the age. 809 00:36:59,680 --> 00:37:02,840 - Well, it's still a rough guide. Maybe that's all I'm after! - LAUGHTER 810 00:37:02,840 --> 00:37:04,200 It's not all... 811 00:37:04,200 --> 00:37:07,920 Maybe I don't care about accuracy, Stephen! Maybe I've got shit to do! 812 00:37:07,920 --> 00:37:09,920 Did the question say...? LAUGHTER 813 00:37:11,200 --> 00:37:14,240 I'm afraid the answer is extremely annoying. 814 00:37:14,240 --> 00:37:16,640 There are some years when it doesn't put down rings 815 00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:19,600 and other years when it puts down two, even three rings. 816 00:37:19,600 --> 00:37:21,160 So it's very hard to tell precisely. 817 00:37:21,160 --> 00:37:23,600 - Wow. As it's getting older, it starts lying. - Yeah. 818 00:37:23,600 --> 00:37:24,800 Not putting a ring down. 819 00:37:24,800 --> 00:37:27,560 "Yeah, I'm doing it, I'm doing it. 820 00:37:27,560 --> 00:37:30,040 "This ran out years ago, mate. 821 00:37:30,040 --> 00:37:31,200 "32 again!" 822 00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:40,680 Dendrochronologists give a very annoying answer. 823 00:37:40,680 --> 00:37:43,600 They say the most reliable way to tell the age of a tree 824 00:37:43,600 --> 00:37:46,200 - is to find out when it was planted. - Yeah(!) 825 00:37:46,200 --> 00:37:49,240 - Oh, shut up! - I know! It's not my answer, it's their answer. 826 00:37:49,240 --> 00:37:50,480 - Passport! - Yeah! 827 00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:52,720 But some are a little too old to be able to do that. 828 00:37:52,720 --> 00:37:55,400 In 2012 there was a seed, 829 00:37:55,400 --> 00:37:56,920 that was the oldest seed ever known 830 00:37:56,920 --> 00:38:00,480 successfully to germinate. How old do you think it was? 831 00:38:00,480 --> 00:38:02,560 - DECISIVELY: - 1 million years! 832 00:38:02,560 --> 00:38:06,080 - No. - You said it like an evil genius there! 833 00:38:06,080 --> 00:38:08,400 "Mr Bond"(!) No, 834 00:38:08,400 --> 00:38:10,240 it wasn't a million years... 835 00:38:10,240 --> 00:38:11,640 - 36... - 32,000. - Oh. 836 00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:13,520 - You were going to say 36,000? - Yeah. 837 00:38:13,520 --> 00:38:16,240 It was 32,000. So you were jolly close. 838 00:38:16,240 --> 00:38:18,360 They used carbon dating and that sort of thing. 839 00:38:18,360 --> 00:38:21,320 30 metres below the Siberian ice it was discovered, 840 00:38:21,320 --> 00:38:24,720 in a fossilised squirrel burrow. 841 00:38:24,720 --> 00:38:28,040 So it was probably buried there by a squirrel. 842 00:38:28,040 --> 00:38:30,640 How annoyed would that squirrel be? 843 00:38:30,640 --> 00:38:35,600 There was one in 2008 - a 2,000-year-old seed grew, and you may say that's not so impressive 844 00:38:35,600 --> 00:38:39,520 but it sprouted into an extinct date palm. 845 00:38:39,520 --> 00:38:41,320 - So that was rather wonderful. SARAH: - Wow! 846 00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:44,160 A new species came back to life. Yeah. 847 00:38:44,160 --> 00:38:46,800 Now, what colour is the moon? 848 00:38:46,800 --> 00:38:48,960 CRASH! 849 00:38:48,960 --> 00:38:50,680 Black. 850 00:38:50,680 --> 00:38:52,520 LAUGHTER 851 00:38:55,720 --> 00:38:58,080 OK! Well... 852 00:38:58,080 --> 00:38:59,600 The dark side of the moon. 853 00:38:59,600 --> 00:39:02,120 - I'll accept black, cos it's... - The dark side of the moon. 854 00:39:02,120 --> 00:39:05,880 - Well, the sides are all the same colour. - I know! - It's a nice thought, dark side of the moon. 855 00:39:05,880 --> 00:39:09,800 - But actually, all the moon is very, very dark grey. - Yes. 856 00:39:09,800 --> 00:39:12,040 Basically kind of charcoal. Almost black. 857 00:39:12,040 --> 00:39:15,200 Not a light grey and not a silvery colour. I mean, of course we get light... 858 00:39:15,200 --> 00:39:17,280 It's weird, cos you can't get grey cheese. 859 00:39:17,280 --> 00:39:18,800 LAUGHTER 860 00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:24,200 Right. I hadn't thought of that. 861 00:39:24,200 --> 00:39:26,120 Yeah. 862 00:39:26,120 --> 00:39:28,320 It's quite bright, but not as bright as the Earth. 863 00:39:28,320 --> 00:39:30,160 A full Earth seen from the moon 864 00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:31,600 is a lot brighter 865 00:39:31,600 --> 00:39:33,200 than a full moon seen from the Earth. 866 00:39:33,200 --> 00:39:35,240 That's cos people leave their lights on. 867 00:39:35,240 --> 00:39:37,880 That's probably the reason, yeah, yeah. 868 00:39:37,880 --> 00:39:41,520 So the moon is very dark grey. But - what colour is the sun? 869 00:39:42,760 --> 00:39:46,120 I've heard it's...green. 870 00:39:47,080 --> 00:39:48,720 - Not bad... - Tartan? 871 00:39:50,640 --> 00:39:54,520 Oh, you were doing so well, Noel. Tartan(!) 872 00:39:55,560 --> 00:39:58,000 Well, on the Farrow and Ball colour chart... 873 00:39:58,000 --> 00:40:00,080 - Yes? - ..it's mushroom. 874 00:40:01,000 --> 00:40:04,440 Well, it is actually a kind of turquoise, so green is not bad. 875 00:40:04,440 --> 00:40:06,040 - Is it? - It's bluey-green. - Turquoise? 876 00:40:06,040 --> 00:40:09,800 - It emits photons of all the colours. - Like a blue flame. 877 00:40:09,800 --> 00:40:12,120 But slightly more blue-green photons than any other, 878 00:40:12,120 --> 00:40:14,920 - so it is, you know, a slightly blue/green tint. - That is not fair. 879 00:40:14,920 --> 00:40:18,520 - The moon and the sun are just playing with us. - Well, yes! 880 00:40:18,520 --> 00:40:22,480 - It would actually look white from space, more or less totally white. - Right. 881 00:40:22,480 --> 00:40:26,120 - As it does at noon if you looked at it from the ground. - Like a star. - But don't, obviously. 882 00:40:26,120 --> 00:40:28,120 Yeah, the sun is white with a hint of turquoise. 883 00:40:28,120 --> 00:40:30,000 What is "agoraphobia"? 884 00:40:31,040 --> 00:40:34,520 Ah, now, that's... Now, hang on... 885 00:40:34,520 --> 00:40:37,760 "Wait a second, I'm not going to get suckered into this!" 886 00:40:37,760 --> 00:40:40,360 You've spelt it different or something, have you? 887 00:40:40,360 --> 00:40:43,960 - No... - It's a bit like when Phil Brown said, "Why does Andrea Pirlo 888 00:40:43,960 --> 00:40:47,040 "not leave Italy and play in the Premier League? 889 00:40:47,040 --> 00:40:51,120 "Why does he want to stay in Italy? Is it because he's homophobic?" 890 00:40:51,120 --> 00:40:52,560 LAUGHTER 891 00:40:54,200 --> 00:40:58,360 He thought "homophobic" meant he was afraid of leaving home! 892 00:41:00,280 --> 00:41:03,200 - Well, it kind of makes sense. - Out loud, on live radio. 893 00:41:03,200 --> 00:41:05,440 It was absolutely brilliant. 894 00:41:05,440 --> 00:41:08,080 Is it a fear of really fluffy rabbits? 895 00:41:08,080 --> 00:41:10,720 No! "Angoraphobia", very good. 896 00:41:10,720 --> 00:41:12,320 Thanks. 897 00:41:12,320 --> 00:41:15,720 - Agoraphobia...? - Yeah. Most people think "agoraphobia" 898 00:41:15,720 --> 00:41:17,080 means a fear of open spaces. 899 00:41:17,080 --> 00:41:19,120 "Agora" is the Greek for the marketplace, 900 00:41:19,120 --> 00:41:21,560 the equivalent of the Roman forum, it's the open place. 901 00:41:21,560 --> 00:41:23,960 But apparently in psychiatry, 902 00:41:23,960 --> 00:41:27,640 agoraphobia can be a fear of any kind of space you don't like. 903 00:41:27,640 --> 00:41:30,160 So claustrophobia is a kind of agoraphobia. 904 00:41:30,160 --> 00:41:31,920 Other phobias... 905 00:41:31,920 --> 00:41:36,320 Do you know, according to the Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in North Carolina, 906 00:41:36,320 --> 00:41:39,240 80% of high-rise buildings in America do not have what? 907 00:41:39,240 --> 00:41:41,200 Windows. 908 00:41:41,200 --> 00:41:43,280 No. 80%... 909 00:41:43,280 --> 00:41:44,760 A lift. 910 00:41:44,760 --> 00:41:47,320 - We're talking about phobias...? - A 13th floor. 911 00:41:47,320 --> 00:41:50,120 80% of buildings in America do not have a 13th floor. 912 00:41:50,120 --> 00:41:54,200 So what happens when they come here? Americans, and they see, like, "13th floor." 913 00:41:54,200 --> 00:41:56,280 - "I'm not staying in this hotel!" - No, they won't. 914 00:41:56,280 --> 00:42:01,040 Or at least they won't want to be on the 13th floor, they won't want the room on the 13th floor. 915 00:42:01,040 --> 00:42:03,760 "You're principally unlucky... because you're American." 916 00:42:03,760 --> 00:42:04,920 LAUGHTER 917 00:42:04,920 --> 00:42:06,520 Now...! 918 00:42:07,880 --> 00:42:10,680 APPLAUSE 919 00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:15,840 Alfred Hitchcock had a very powerful fear - of...? 920 00:42:15,840 --> 00:42:17,560 There is a word for it. 921 00:42:17,560 --> 00:42:19,640 - Hummus. - LAUGHTER 922 00:42:19,640 --> 00:42:21,040 Might as well have been. 923 00:42:21,040 --> 00:42:25,080 It was alektorophobia. "Alektorophobia", not "electro-". 924 00:42:25,080 --> 00:42:28,920 - It's all the more extraordinary that he made the film The Birds... - People called Alec. 925 00:42:28,920 --> 00:42:33,800 No, not people called Alec. It's not a fear of birds, but it's a fear of something birds produce. 926 00:42:33,800 --> 00:42:36,240 - Eggs. - Eggs, he had a fear of eggs. 927 00:42:36,240 --> 00:42:39,440 - Never ate one... - Really? He used to weep around omelettes. 928 00:42:39,440 --> 00:42:41,480 He actually looks scared in that picture, 929 00:42:41,480 --> 00:42:43,320 as if you'd shown him the eggs. 930 00:42:43,320 --> 00:42:47,080 - I'd be scared if an egg that size was coming... - That's true, it's a big egg. 931 00:42:47,080 --> 00:42:51,320 And all that's left now is the rather messy business of the scores. 932 00:42:51,320 --> 00:42:53,200 HE GASPS DRAMATICALLY 933 00:42:53,200 --> 00:42:55,640 I've got a fear of the scores. 934 00:42:55,640 --> 00:42:57,400 Well, don't have, because... 935 00:42:57,400 --> 00:43:02,000 in last place, with minus 15 is Sarah Millican, I'm afraid! 936 00:43:02,000 --> 00:43:03,760 APPLAUSE 937 00:43:07,280 --> 00:43:11,800 In third place, with a jolly minus 14, is Noel Fielding! 938 00:43:11,800 --> 00:43:13,720 APPLAUSE 939 00:43:16,240 --> 00:43:20,720 With a highly impressive minus 4, in second place, Eddie Kadi. 940 00:43:20,720 --> 00:43:22,600 APPLAUSE 941 00:43:24,200 --> 00:43:27,560 It can only mean one astonishing thing. 942 00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:30,560 In first place, with minus 1, Alan Davies. 943 00:43:30,560 --> 00:43:32,600 CHEERING 944 00:43:37,920 --> 00:43:39,640 Well! 945 00:43:41,160 --> 00:43:43,720 That's this mess cleaned up. 946 00:43:43,720 --> 00:43:46,760 So we thank Eddie, Noel, Sarah, Alan and me. 947 00:43:46,760 --> 00:43:49,720 In the words of that prolific writer, Anne Onymous, 948 00:43:49,720 --> 00:43:51,800 "Chaos, panic and disorder. 949 00:43:51,800 --> 00:43:54,160 "My work here is done." Goodnight. 950 00:43:54,160 --> 00:43:56,280 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING