1 00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:17,000 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:32,880 APPLAUSE 3 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:37,040 Goooooood evening, 4 00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:39,600 good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 5 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:41,640 and welcome to QI, 6 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:44,600 where, tonight, we're mixing and matching 7 00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:48,120 a medley of things beginning with M. 8 00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:50,320 Now, let's meet our makers. 9 00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,280 The matchless James Acaster. 10 00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:56,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:58,480 The match-fit Jo Brand. 12 00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:01,600 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 13 00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:05,560 The match made in heaven, Bill Bailey. 14 00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:08,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 15 00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:10,600 And... 16 00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:12,960 match abandoned, Alan Davies. 17 00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:16,760 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 18 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:21,840 So, let's hear you mix. James goes... 19 00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:26,360 EGG BEING BEATEN 20 00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:28,280 - That's mixing. - Is it? 21 00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:30,480 Yeah, you're beating an egg, I think. 22 00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:33,800 - Beating something. - LAUGHTER 23 00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:35,520 Now. 24 00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:37,920 You're on your first warning. LAUGHTER 25 00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:39,320 Jo goes... 26 00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:43,560 ELECTRIC WHISK WHIRS 27 00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:45,720 Yes, that's masturbation as I know it. 28 00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:50,480 LAUGHTER 29 00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:53,640 I'd love to know what the machine is, wouldn't you? 30 00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:56,000 LAUGHTER 31 00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,840 Bill goes... 32 00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:00,720 TURNTABLE SCRATCHES 33 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:02,960 Ah, yeah. I like it, yes. 34 00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:04,800 That's masturbation as I know it. 35 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:10,160 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 36 00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:12,760 So, three mixes and Alan goes... 37 00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:17,160 MATCH OF THE DAY THEME PLAYS 38 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:19,160 - Ah, you see. - A match. - Yeah. 39 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:20,440 So, on with the game. 40 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:23,240 Now our first "M" tonight is "M" for metals. 41 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:28,560 Can you see anything on this board here that does not contain metal? 42 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:30,560 - Oh. - You've got a mushroom, 43 00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:32,840 a balloon, a stack of coins, 44 00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:36,600 a monkey, a star, an Alan Davies... 45 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:38,320 - of some kind. - An Alan Davies. 46 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:41,240 Well, bodies do contain metal, so it can't be... 47 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:43,320 - They do. - It can't be you... 48 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:46,040 - Alan, you contain metal. - Yes. - You do. - I do. 49 00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:48,400 - Enough iron to make a nail. - Alan specifically? 50 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:49,680 LAUGHTER 51 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:51,680 - Yeah, just Alan. - Just Alan. He can make a nail. 52 00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:53,360 But, no, that's right, isn't it? 53 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:55,720 The body contains enough iron to make a nail - 54 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:58,880 phosphorus, carbon, water... 55 00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:00,760 - Magnesium. - Lime. 56 00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:02,800 - Gold, actually. - A person... 57 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:05,400 You could boil it down to a half-decent kids' party. 58 00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:07,040 LAUGHTER 59 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:10,360 You could get a paddling pool, some fireworks and a tequila slammer. 60 00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:13,440 - All inside us, churning away. - All inside. So, it can't be Alan. 61 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:15,880 No, it's not me. And I don't... I'm... 62 00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:17,800 - Now, look... - Now. 63 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,560 - Things that grow probably have got metal in them... - Yes. 64 00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:22,360 - ..that's my thinking. - Yeah. 65 00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:24,720 The fact is, you've brilliantly avoided everything, 66 00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:27,360 cos all those things contain metals. 67 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:28,880 When the universe was created... 68 00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:30,440 4,000 years ago... 69 00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:33,240 - 4,000 years ago, as it says in the Bible. - ..by our Lord. 70 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:34,640 LAUGHTER 71 00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:37,320 ..only two elements were created at that time. 72 00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:38,640 Gold and silver. 73 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:40,920 - LAUGHTER - Yes. 74 00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:43,280 - It was... - Frankincense and myrrh. 75 00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:44,720 Cheese and pickle. 76 00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:47,680 - They are still the most abundant elements in the universe. - Helium! 77 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:49,880 99% of the universe is composed of? 78 00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:51,640 Helium and sarcasm. 79 00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:54,640 LAUGHTER 80 00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:56,240 Helium and... 81 00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:57,560 Hydrogen? 82 00:03:57,560 --> 00:03:59,360 - Hydrogen is correct. - Yes. 83 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:02,160 And then the first two elements to be created, 84 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:04,000 after hydrogen and helium, 85 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:05,560 which are both gases, 86 00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:07,040 were both metals. 87 00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:10,440 Imagine God was rather depressed by having created the universe. 88 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:13,040 - A knife. - I should think he bloody well was. I would be. - Yeah. 89 00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:15,400 So, if you're depressed, what's the metal you'd go for? 90 00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:16,520 - Lithium. - Lithium. 91 00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:18,880 Lithium was one of them, and the other was beryllium. 92 00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:21,840 - Oh, beryllium. - Beryllium, I love that one. - Beryllium. 93 00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:23,920 And how were they created? What was the process? 94 00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:25,320 It was in the stars. 95 00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:26,880 - Fusion? - Fusion. 96 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:28,880 - You're on fire. - Crikey! 97 00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:30,280 Like the stars, very good. 98 00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:34,360 APPLAUSE Yeah. 99 00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:37,040 And in that fusion, EVERYTHING was made. 100 00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:40,640 And we are, as Carl Sagan famously said, we are made of star stuff. 101 00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:44,440 We are made of the stuff that was created in those fusion moments. 102 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:45,800 Yes, we are. 103 00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:49,800 And astronomers call anything that isn't the first two, 104 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:52,480 hydrogen and helium, a metal - 105 00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:54,280 even if it's oxygen. 106 00:04:54,280 --> 00:04:56,760 Are some people made of heavy metal? 107 00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:57,960 LAUGHTER 108 00:04:57,960 --> 00:04:59,360 - Yeah. - Lemmy. - Lemmy. 109 00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:01,160 Lemmy from Motorhead. 110 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:03,080 Death metal. That's a good one. 111 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:04,640 Yeah. Thrash metal. 112 00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:06,400 Nu metal, when I was a teenager. 113 00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:07,640 What's nu metal? 114 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,920 It was rap and metal together. 115 00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:11,400 It went very badly. 116 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:12,480 LAUGHTER 117 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:14,800 - Yeah, there was quite a lot of... - TURNTABLE SCRATCHES 118 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:16,200 Quite a lot of that in it, yeah. 119 00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:21,200 There was one I was told about that was a mixture of techno and disco... 120 00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:23,040 and it was called Tesco. 121 00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:25,000 LAUGHTER 122 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:26,560 Then there was Valium metal, 123 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:28,080 and Tesco's own-brand metal. 124 00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:30,280 LAUGHTER 125 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:33,720 Yeah, the human body contains a lot of metal, even gold. 126 00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:36,000 How many human beings 127 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,480 would you need to extract the gold from 128 00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:41,640 before you could make, of them, a gold coin? 129 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:43,560 Just Mr T. 130 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:44,960 LAUGHTER 131 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:46,000 Yes, just that, yeah. 132 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,400 Very good, that's true. 133 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:48,560 Normal humans. 134 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:50,240 - One million humans. - No. 135 00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:52,080 - One billion humans. - No, it's... 136 00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:53,920 47. 137 00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:56,200 - Six. - LAUGHTER 138 00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:58,280 This could take a long time. 40,000. 139 00:05:58,280 --> 00:06:00,560 And how many different metals have we got inside us? 140 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:01,920 72. 141 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:03,040 47. 142 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:04,960 Very close, it's 48! 143 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,160 APPLAUSE 144 00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:08,840 - Whoa! - On fire! 145 00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:11,080 - Amazing. - On fire! 146 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:12,760 In your face! 147 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,200 Did you just point at Alan and say, "Eat it"? 148 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:16,840 No. 149 00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:18,680 No, I pointed at him and went, "On fire!" 150 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:20,440 - Oh, "On fire." - "On fire!" 151 00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:21,520 It's most impressive. 152 00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:23,240 And you're all right, in many ways. 153 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:26,920 To astronomers, anything that isn't hydrogen or helium is a metal. 154 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:30,200 Even apparently normal metals can be quite deceptive, 155 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:31,840 as this trick shows. 156 00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:34,080 I'm going to get a glass of water, 157 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:37,600 and I'll get a teaspoon. 158 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:41,400 - Right. - Oh, I'll just... To prove that it is water, I'll drink it. 159 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:43,240 That just proves it might be vodka. 160 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:45,040 LAUGHTER 161 00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:49,120 - It proves at least that it's not sulphuric acid or something... - Yeah. 162 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:50,520 ..because what I'm going to do 163 00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:52,840 is try and make this teaspoon disappear. 164 00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:56,800 It may not work. 165 00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:58,240 I'm not a good magician, 166 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:00,120 I'm a great magician. 167 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:02,520 And so we stir it here and I... 168 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:05,600 Oh, don't, Oh, no... 169 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:08,360 Oh, it might not work, it might work, I don't know. 170 00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:10,920 I'm, oh... 171 00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:12,800 - Yeah, it seems to have worked. - Ooh. 172 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,680 AUDIENCE GASPS 173 00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:16,200 APPLAUSE 174 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,000 Wow! 175 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:21,600 There you are. Thank you. 176 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:22,920 That's rather good, isn't it? 177 00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:24,440 - Rather good. - That's good. - That is. 178 00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:26,640 In fact, on this occasion, it wasn't a magic trick, 179 00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:28,440 and it's something you can do. 180 00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:31,800 I'll give you your water and you'll notice the water is rather warm. 181 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,160 - Oh, it's warm. - It's warm water. - Warm water. 182 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:36,320 And I'll give you a couple of spoons. 183 00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:38,720 They are metal, they're metal spoons, but the metal... 184 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:40,440 Are they made out of Alka-Seltzer? 185 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:41,840 LAUGHTER 186 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:44,480 They might as well be - they're made out of gallium. 187 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,040 And gallium is a metal... 188 00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:48,760 A very useful metal. 189 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:51,920 - Let's have a look. - ..but it has the quality that it melts, 190 00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:55,160 - as Alan is showing, in water. - Good Lord. 191 00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:57,640 Oh, you wouldn't want that of your teaspoon, would you? 192 00:07:57,640 --> 00:07:59,760 No, it wouldn't make a practical teaspoon. 193 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:03,480 - That's lasting less time than a biscuit. - Yeah. 194 00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:04,680 - That's it. - Look at that. 195 00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:06,160 Now, if you stir it, 196 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:08,240 it'll happen more quickly. 197 00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:10,640 - Oh, good Lord, look at that. - Ah, jeez. - That is... 198 00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:13,080 That would be the most annoying teaspoon in the world. 199 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:15,640 - It really would, wouldn't it? - Now, oh. 200 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:17,800 But it's, like, Terminator's teaspoon. 201 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:20,360 Yeah, exactly. Terminator 2, it should be said. 202 00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:23,120 Yes. Terminator two-spoon. 203 00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:24,520 Hey! 204 00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:27,560 - Well, I hope you're impressed with that. - Wow. - I'm very impressed. - Yeah. 205 00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:31,200 - It's not poisonous, gallium, so you can drink it again. - I shan't. 206 00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:34,240 LAUGHTER OK. You can put your glasses away. 207 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:36,520 There you are, top man. 208 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:37,840 "Mmm, delicious." 209 00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:39,600 LAUGHTER 210 00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:40,760 OK, pop away. 211 00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:42,000 Er...gallium. 212 00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:46,120 - Gallium was discovered in the 19th century by a Frenchman... - Yes... 213 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:47,240 ..called Lecoq. 214 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:48,280 Oh... 215 00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:53,080 And he called it gallium because he was French 216 00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:55,680 - and he wanted to be patriotic. - Gaul. 217 00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:58,280 Yeah. Exactly, as in our word "Gallic." 218 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:02,320 But also, there's another word which means "cockerel," 219 00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:03,880 - Oh. - Which is "gallus," 220 00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:07,480 so he called gallium after himself as well as after his country. 221 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,720 - So he was modest. - He was modest, exactly. 222 00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:10,800 LAUGHTER 223 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,600 Staying with valuable metals, 224 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:17,440 though, what use did the world's richest man have for wide trousers? 225 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:22,520 ELECTRIC WHISK WHIRS Yeah? 226 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:24,680 Did he have very fat ankles? 227 00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:25,880 LAUGHTER 228 00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:28,360 That would be useful. Who was the world's richest man? 229 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:31,120 - That's what we have to discover. - Is he alive today? 230 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:32,760 - No. - Was he a Greek bloke? 231 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:34,200 - Was it... - No. - ..Rockefeller? 232 00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:35,920 Wasn't Croesus, wasn't Rockefeller. 233 00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:40,040 But it has been calculated, quite recently in fact, that this 234 00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:43,360 - man was the richest man by any standards... - Ever? 235 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:45,120 - ..of which there has ever been. - Oh! 236 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:47,520 - Someone... - Aladdin. - Aladdin, yes. 237 00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:49,000 LAUGHTER 238 00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:51,200 I'm going to say, and I don't want to upset anybody, 239 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:52,920 I'm going to say it's someone real. 240 00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:54,960 - Someone... - Ah, someone from Fifa. 241 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:56,280 LAUGHTER 242 00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:58,320 APPLAUSE 243 00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:05,640 Someone from the 14th century. 244 00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:07,960 He is M- M- of M-. 245 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:10,560 - Murmansk. Did he come from Murmansk? - No. 246 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:12,880 - Mesopotamia. - No! 247 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:15,120 - No, it's good, though. - Margate. 248 00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:17,240 LAUGHTER 249 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:20,880 - He visited Mesopotamia... - Mick of Margate. 250 00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:23,120 - He visited Mesopotamia? - Well... 251 00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:25,080 - Mu... Mohammed... - ..Arabia. 252 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:26,880 Muchti? The Muchti. 253 00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:29,080 He was Muslim, so that's another M. 254 00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:31,640 - AUDIENCE MEMBER: - Ming the Merciless. - Ming the Merciless. 255 00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:34,360 LAUGHTER 256 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:38,120 - AUDIENCE MEMBER: - Mansa Musa. - Is the right answer, but... - Who? 257 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:42,240 ..you would have got more points... APPLAUSE 258 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:46,760 - The audience is very impressive, isn't it? - They are. 259 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:50,040 You'd only have got more points if you'd said Mansa Musa I. 260 00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:51,360 Ah. 261 00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:53,720 - But, no, Mansa Musa is the right answer. - Ah. 262 00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:58,400 - What's the country he's from? - Mess... Er... - No. 263 00:10:58,400 --> 00:10:59,640 - Muh... Mer... Muk... - Mali. 264 00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:02,600 - Mali. Mali! - Mali, he comes from, Africa. 265 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:05,200 - Mali. - And his riches came from gold. 266 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:08,400 - Oh. - He had so much gold, you would not believe. 267 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:10,680 He was also a very faithful Muslim, 268 00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:15,680 and he went on the Hajj to Mecca, and on his Hajj, every Friday, 269 00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:19,760 he stopped and he built a mosque, but also, everyone he met, 270 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:20,960 he gave gold to. 271 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,240 Right. 272 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:25,760 By the time all these people went to cash their gold in, 273 00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:27,720 it destroyed the market for it. 274 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:30,320 And they suffered from hyperinflation. 275 00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:34,560 And he very generously tried to put right what he'd done wrong, 276 00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,800 so he bought the gold back, 277 00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:41,080 but it still destroyed the whole Mediterranean economy for ten years. 278 00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:43,720 - What an idiot. - LAUGHTER 279 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:46,800 - He was trying to be kind. - Well, there's that saying, isn't there, 280 00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:50,040 "No act of kindness ever goes unpunished." 281 00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:53,200 - Yes! - And I think that's very true in this case. - It is very true. 282 00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:58,720 He was also quite a warrior, and he had an army of 100,000, and 283 00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:03,080 if he had a successful general, he would reward him with wide trousers. 284 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,200 That's... That was the question! 285 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:08,600 If you had wide trousers it was proof of your success as a general. 286 00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:10,920 - Wide trousers being what? - Oxford bags. 287 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:14,360 - Pretty jolly wide. - Kind of Showaddywaddy. - Yeah. 288 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,040 On his way back from Mecca, 289 00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:20,640 he stopped and established this city that became a great 290 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:22,120 centre for Islamic scholarship 291 00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:24,720 - and world scholarship for the following century. - Hmm. 292 00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:26,480 Do you know what that town was called? 293 00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:28,440 - On the way from Mecca to Mali. - Yeah. 294 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:32,560 - Closer to Mali than Mecca by a long way. - Mombasa. 295 00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:34,760 - No. There it is! - Good effort, though. 296 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:36,080 I keep looking at that picture 297 00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:38,000 like I'm going to recognise it or something. 298 00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:40,080 - LAUGHTER - Ah, yeah... 299 00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:44,040 - Is it Timbuktu? - Yes! Timbuktu. 300 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:45,360 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 301 00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:50,720 Well done. 302 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:57,000 Yes, Mansa Musa of Mali made medieval markets melt down. 303 00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:58,840 From one golden age to another, 304 00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:02,280 how did the ancient Britons celebrate the merry month of May? 305 00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:04,560 ELECTRIC WHISK WHIRS 306 00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:06,880 - Jo. - Was it pole dancing? 307 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:08,520 Oh, ha-ha... 308 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:09,840 Oh, dear, oh, dear. 309 00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:11,400 KLAXON BLARES 310 00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:13,160 That's not... 311 00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,840 - No, that's not what I said. - She's quite right. 312 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:18,320 You didn't say "maypole." 313 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:20,760 LAUGHTER 314 00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:24,440 Human sacrifice, probably? 315 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:26,320 Human sacrifice, no, not that. 316 00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:28,760 - Mead? - Mead is possible. 317 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:30,200 Cannibalism? 318 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:31,680 LAUGHTER 319 00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:35,200 Not that we know of. We don't know much about the ancient Britons. 320 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:37,280 If only they'd blogged more. 321 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:38,840 LAUGHTER 322 00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:42,240 Murder - they would murder people for a laugh. 323 00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:43,960 Anyone who really liked April. 324 00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:46,960 - They'd murder them really badly. - Yeah. 325 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,560 Well, they would pick flowers. 326 00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:49,600 Ugh. 327 00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,400 LAUGHTER 328 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:53,200 As far as we know, they didn't do much 329 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,480 other than the fact that it was early summer, 330 00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:58,680 late spring, and they would put flowers in the house. 331 00:13:58,680 --> 00:14:00,240 The things we think of - 332 00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:03,720 Morris dancing and maypoles and the Queen of the May and everything - 333 00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:05,720 were all later inventions. 334 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:10,160 Morris dancing seems to have arrived in the 15th century. 335 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:12,880 Oh, God, what a terrible year. 336 00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:14,040 LAUGHTER 337 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:16,280 - A bad year. - They have much to answer for. - They have. 338 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:19,560 Do you know why it's called Morris dancing, where that comes from? 339 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:22,520 It was just boredom. That's really what it was, wasn't it? 340 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:24,120 A combination of boredom, 341 00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:27,000 nothing to do and we might as well do something. 342 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,040 Do a dance. 343 00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:30,640 - Do a dance. - Yeah. - Let's have some mead and do a dance. 344 00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:33,440 "What's your name?" "Morris." "Right, we'll call it after you." 345 00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:34,480 LAUGHTER 346 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:37,360 We think they borrowed the name from the Spaniards, 347 00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:38,880 - who had a Morisco dance. - Oh! 348 00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:43,720 When they celebrated the expulsion of the Moors, or Moriscos, 349 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:47,360 as in the word Morocco, from Spain, and this dance came to England 350 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:49,800 by the 15th century, and we did that sort of dance. 351 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:53,040 - So it's a bit racist, really. - If you like, yeah. 352 00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:55,600 - Yeah. - Well, maybe we could get it banned on that account. 353 00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:57,760 LAUGHTER 354 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:02,440 - Got to try. - Poor old Morris dancers. 355 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:06,480 Yeah. The most traditional way to celebrate May Day 356 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:08,480 is to decorate your house with flowers. 357 00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:11,720 Our next M also grows in the ground. 358 00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:13,840 Now, what sex is this mushroom? 359 00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:16,760 - What sex? - What sex? 360 00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:18,320 Well, it looks like a penis, so... 361 00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:19,360 LAUGHTER 362 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:21,000 ..I'm guessing it's female. 363 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:22,920 KLAXON BLARES 364 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:24,480 You see... 365 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:26,440 - Now... - Is it male, then? 366 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:30,720 Oh! KLAXON BLARES 367 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:32,920 TURNTABLE SCRATCHES 368 00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:34,400 Is it asexual? 369 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,480 Well...it's not asexual, no. 370 00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:38,720 - Is it a stinkhorn? - Just doesn't have a gen... 371 00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:40,640 We're going to come to stinkhorns. 372 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,360 - But you can have a look. - I love them. 373 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:45,000 See if you can spot the organs of generation on those. 374 00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:47,080 LAUGHTER 375 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,560 - Well, there's a mushroom. - Yeah. 376 00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:51,240 Fry it up, lovely. 377 00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,640 It's difficult to tell, isn't it? They're all sort of... 378 00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:55,080 They're all vaguely suggestive 379 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:56,960 - in some way, aren't they? I mean... - Yeah. 380 00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:59,640 Any type of fungus will tell you the same story - 381 00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:02,080 they don't have genders. They don't have sexes. 382 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:04,520 - Oh, right. - They do reproduce, 383 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:07,040 but they don't use gender as a... 384 00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:08,600 Spores? Is it spores? 385 00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:10,960 - Spores, well, spores have to be... - Inseminated. 386 00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,760 They have to be inseminated, germinated. 387 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:15,800 - But there is no gender, you don't have a female or a male. - Right. 388 00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:18,600 - Oh, you've made a whole new one with a hat. - I've made a new one. 389 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:19,640 LAUGHTER 390 00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:22,480 It's like a French painter. "Ah. Ah-ha-ho-ho." 391 00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:23,520 But... 392 00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:25,760 LAUGHTER 393 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:27,760 Oh! 394 00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:29,000 IMITATES PIPE-SUCKING 395 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:30,440 - FAUX FRENCH ACCENT: - "No, I'm a... 396 00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:32,200 "Some people say I'm a mushroom, but..." 397 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:33,680 IMITATES PIPE-SUCKING 398 00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:35,840 - Oh, what the hell. - "I have no gender!" 399 00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:37,320 LAUGHTER 400 00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:40,160 "I have no gender, I am nothing, not male nor female." 401 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:42,160 "Ha-ha! I laugh at you. Ah-ha-ha!" 402 00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:43,760 LAUGHTER 403 00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:46,480 - You mentioned the stinkhorn. - Yes, I did, I love that. 404 00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:47,920 Well, have a look at one. 405 00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:49,080 There you are. 406 00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:52,600 - Ohh! - Ooh, dirty stinkhorn. - Dirty! 407 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,040 It's pretty grim, isn't it? 408 00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:55,560 Is that flies? 409 00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:59,680 Yeah, flies all over it. Its Latin name is phallus impudicus, 410 00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:03,040 - which means... - Oh, you wouldn't want that on your cock, would you? 411 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:04,200 LAUGHTER 412 00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:05,240 Not again. 413 00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:07,880 The meaning of its name is "shameless cock." 414 00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:09,440 Shameless cock. 415 00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:10,760 - Is it? - Shameless! - Yeah. 416 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:12,240 Phallus impudicus. 417 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,320 And it gives off a sort of mucus... 418 00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:18,440 That's actually given me an idea for my husband's birthday present. 419 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:19,480 LAUGHTER 420 00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:21,800 A little fly willy warmer. 421 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:23,520 - What do you think? - Yeah. - He'd love it. 422 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:25,600 - He would love it. - Beautiful idea. 423 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:30,080 There's a mucus that's given off on the top of it, um... 424 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:32,800 - And it stinks, hence the name stinkhorn. - It does. 425 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:36,920 It smells of rotting meat, and it attracts flies. 426 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,960 - You can't eat them, either, can you? - Oh, the Chinese do. - Do they? 427 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:41,760 They dry them and they eat them, 428 00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:46,800 because they've discovered this really important scientific fact. 429 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:50,040 - They're aphrodisiac. - Of course they are. - Oh, yeah(!) 430 00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:51,080 Er... 431 00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:52,120 LAUGHTER 432 00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:53,920 So there it is, that's the stinkhorn. 433 00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:56,680 - Is that only because it looks like a penis, let's be honest? - It is. 434 00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:59,480 - That's why it's called... - "Oh, look, it looks like an erect penis, 435 00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:02,400 "therefore, ergo, it must be an aphrodisiac." 436 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:05,360 - Yeah. - That's what it is, really. - I'm afraid it is. - Effectively. 437 00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:08,080 There's a lot of things that look like an erect penis that... 438 00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:09,960 don't get used as aphrodisiacs. 439 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:11,520 - Like? - Like... 440 00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:12,640 A baguette. 441 00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:14,400 LAUGHTER 442 00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:15,600 Very good. 443 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:18,360 Now, let's stay in the garden. 444 00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:21,160 Why would you spread mustard on your lawn? 445 00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:24,720 So you can... Like, if you stick roast beef on yourself, 446 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,840 - and you slide across the lawn... - LAUGHTER 447 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:30,440 Somebody's made a graphic of a man mowing some custard. 448 00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:32,400 LAUGHTER 449 00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:36,600 Imagine you wanted to conduct 450 00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:39,880 a worm census of your lawn, 451 00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:42,960 you wanted to find out how many worms there wah... "There wah"? 452 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:45,000 - ..in your lawn. - Make them come up out of the earth 453 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:46,880 with washing-up liquid. 454 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:48,520 - Is that what you'd use? - Yeah. 455 00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:50,640 That really works a treat, actually. 456 00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:52,680 What, do you put the washing up liquid...? 457 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:55,520 You just spray washing-up liquid on the lawn and they all come up, 458 00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:57,800 "Oh", like that, to help you with the washing up. 459 00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:59,480 LAUGHTER 460 00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:00,960 And it doesn't harm them? 461 00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:02,200 Oh, it kills them. 462 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,120 LAUGHTER 463 00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:05,320 This... 464 00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:07,480 This is where your system and mine differ, 465 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,320 because my system is just about counting them and not harming them. 466 00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:11,480 - Right. - Because it does... 467 00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:13,760 But you can still count them when they're dead. 468 00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:15,560 LAUGHTER 469 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:17,960 - Easier, really. - It is easier. - It's true, you're right. 470 00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:21,400 - Dry them out. - But they're good for aerating the lawn, aren't they? 471 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:23,120 - So is a pitchfork. - Yeah. 472 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,560 LAUGHTER 473 00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:26,520 Well, anyway, it irritates them slightly, 474 00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:27,920 but it doesn't kill them. 475 00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:30,080 And, in fact, they did this in America, 476 00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:35,880 and discovered that 100% of North American worms are non-native. 477 00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:38,680 All the worms of North America 478 00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:41,480 were wiped out a long time ago. 479 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:43,800 - Washing-up liquid! - Must have been. 480 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:45,320 10,000 years ago, 481 00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:47,800 - before washing-up liquid. - Ice age? 482 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,600 Ice age is the right answer. 483 00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:50,960 Yeah, they were wiped out. 484 00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:52,400 He's on fire, you're both on fire! 485 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:56,280 APPLAUSE 486 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,360 Yeah, the European worms arrived 487 00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:00,120 in the root balls of plants 488 00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:02,800 that were exported to the Americas. 489 00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:04,440 But what else do we...? 490 00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:05,640 Help me with mustard. 491 00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:08,520 You can spread it on your hands if you're trying to give up smoking. 492 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:10,800 LAUGHTER 493 00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:13,880 Yes, apparently a friend of mine did that, to try and, you know, 494 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,560 - give up smoking. - Did it work? 495 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:17,200 Um... No. 496 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,160 LAUGHTER 497 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:21,440 Gas, lethal gas. 498 00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:23,480 Yes, mustard gas. 499 00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:25,960 What was mustard gas? Did it have mustard in it? 500 00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:27,720 It stank, poisonous. 501 00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:29,560 It didn't actually contain mustard. 502 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:33,400 Nothing to do with mustard, called it only because of the colour of it. 503 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,600 - Well, the colour and the smell. - And the smell of it. 504 00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:37,120 Sulphur mustard, it was called. 505 00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:40,240 And rather like too much mustard, it could cause blistering. 506 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:41,800 And there were mustard baths. 507 00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:43,000 A bath of mustard? 508 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,520 Is that a Comic Relief thing? 509 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:47,280 LAUGHTER No, you'd think it was. 510 00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:49,160 But, funnily enough, 511 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:52,120 we British have mustard baths all the time, didn't you know that? 512 00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:53,360 - No? - No. 513 00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:56,600 According to the National Museum of Mustard, 514 00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:58,960 which is in Middleton, Wisconsin. 515 00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:00,960 I was going to say, it's got to be in America. 516 00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:02,160 - Yeah. - Yeah. 517 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:04,400 They have a National Museum of Mustard and I... 518 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:05,600 Just be careful, 519 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:08,760 - because Norwich has a very famous mustard museum, as well. - Uh-oh. 520 00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:11,160 - Mr Coleman? - Coleman's, exactly. 521 00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:13,160 This museum in Middleton, Wisconsin, 522 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:16,400 it asserts that "bathing in mustard is an English custom 523 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,280 "to this very day." 524 00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:21,320 LAUGHTER 525 00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:23,800 There you are, that's what they think. 526 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:27,560 - FAUX-AMERICAN ACCENT: - That's right, over in England, at night they... 527 00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:31,560 Everyone in England asks their butler to draw them a mustard bath. 528 00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:33,720 LAUGHTER 529 00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:36,200 And you spoke of Coleman's of Norwich... 530 00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:38,560 - Norwich. - ..the great mustard company of Norwich. 531 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:41,760 They provided quite a lot of mustard for Robert Falcon Scott 532 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:44,600 - and his Discovery Expedition. - To the South Pole. 533 00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:48,040 As you can see there, he has pots of Coleman's Mustard. 534 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,360 - That's a genuine real photograph... - Yes, of course. 535 00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:53,240 ..not in the least bit touched-up. LAUGHTER 536 00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:57,000 How much did Coleman's, of Norwich, give... 537 00:21:57,000 --> 00:22:00,120 to Captain Scott's team in the 1901-02...? 538 00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:02,000 Two enormous barrels of mustard. 539 00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:05,080 - Actually, they gave them one and a half tonnes... - Tiny jar? 540 00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:07,680 - One and a half tonnes?! - ..of mustard. 541 00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:09,560 Tonnes of mustard. 542 00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:10,800 Excellent. 543 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:13,200 That's enough for a lot of baths, as well as a lot of food. 544 00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:15,160 Now, from counting worms 545 00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:17,040 to monkeys that count. 546 00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:20,040 What job can even a monkey do? 547 00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:21,600 ELECTRIC WHISK WHIRS 548 00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:23,480 Yes, Jo? 549 00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:25,600 Is it quantity surveying? 550 00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:28,960 LAUGHTER 551 00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:32,120 - They might be able to. - Apologies to all quantity surveyors watching. 552 00:22:32,120 --> 00:22:34,600 - That includes my brother. - Is your brother...? - Oh, is he? 553 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:37,520 - He is a quantity surveyor, yes. - Does he survey quantities all day? 554 00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:40,360 - Yeah, sadly for him. - Do you get tired of surveying quantities? 555 00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:43,240 I mean, how many quantities can you survey in one day? 556 00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:47,240 - He can survey 47 quantities in a day. - 47 quantities? 557 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:48,720 That's a lot of quantities. 558 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:52,720 Wow. Well, no, I don't think monkeys can survey quantities. 559 00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:54,280 - They can count. - Yes. 560 00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:56,920 The person who counts how many people are on the plane 561 00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:59,000 before you take off, that could be a monkey. 562 00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:00,680 LAUGHTER 563 00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:03,280 That would instil us all with confidence, wouldn't it? 564 00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:04,560 LAUGHTER 565 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:05,800 Just before takeoff, 566 00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:09,720 a small primate comes down the aisle with a clicker. 567 00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:12,400 LAUGHTER 568 00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:15,280 And he also does the duty-frees because no-one ever buys anything. 569 00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:16,760 Yes. 570 00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:18,960 In Thailand, there is a school. 571 00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:20,600 - A monkey school? - Yep. 572 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:22,800 They have between three and six months of training - 573 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:25,320 the pig-tailed macaques - 574 00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:29,440 and they end up working on a plantation, 575 00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:31,080 where they can pick 576 00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:34,520 between 800 and 1,000 whats a day? 577 00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:37,880 - Bananas. - Not bananas cos they'd eat those, wouldn't they? - They would. 578 00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:39,280 - Coconuts. - Coconuts! 579 00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:42,440 Between 800 and 1,000 coconuts a day, they can pick. 580 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:43,720 There they are. 581 00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:45,040 But it's very useful. 582 00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:47,120 So, a lot more than a human could, probably. 583 00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:49,040 But they do they count them, as well? 584 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:51,640 Well, I don't... Those don't, no. 585 00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:52,880 Clicker in one hand. 586 00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:55,240 LAUGHTER 587 00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:57,560 In the US, they use capuchin monkeys 588 00:23:57,560 --> 00:24:00,160 for a charity called Helping Hands, 589 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:02,160 which assists people with disabilities, 590 00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:03,520 and they help with feeding, 591 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:05,280 retrieving dropped items, 592 00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:06,880 changing compact discs, 593 00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:09,480 - turning lights on and off. - Wow. 594 00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:11,880 And in Tokyo, there's a tavern where... 595 00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:13,880 A traditional sake house, 596 00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:15,840 where macaques are employed 597 00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:18,280 to bring customers hot towels. 598 00:24:18,280 --> 00:24:20,720 I don't want a hot towel off that fella, I'll tell you that. 599 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:23,320 LAUGHTER 600 00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:24,720 That is horrible. 601 00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:26,920 Imagine that at the end of your bed at night. 602 00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:28,800 Oh, God! 603 00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:30,560 "Hot towel, sir?" Oh, fuck off! 604 00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:32,240 LAUGHTER 605 00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:35,600 The late, great Rik Mayall had a joke that he always told if you ever 606 00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:38,920 went to a Japanese restaurant, sushi house or something, like that, 607 00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:40,520 and he'd go, "Waiter!" 608 00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:44,600 "Bring me several types of Japanese wine, and don't get all sake!" 609 00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:47,040 - LAUGHTER - Yay! 610 00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:49,280 Couldn't help saying it every time. 611 00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:50,520 It somehow... 612 00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:52,560 From him, it was funny. 613 00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:55,360 Now, from smart monkeys to smart aleck kids. 614 00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:59,000 Which of these would an ancient Mexican use 615 00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:01,200 to teach children manners? 616 00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:02,680 You've got chocolate, 617 00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:03,920 chilli... 618 00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:07,120 The monkey with a baseball bat seems pretty effective. 619 00:25:07,120 --> 00:25:09,720 You've got to say "please" or you get the monkey with the bat. 620 00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:12,480 I, personally, would use a cactus. 621 00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:14,000 - Yeah. - What would you do with it? 622 00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:15,520 Throw the child at it. 623 00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:17,080 LAUGHTER 624 00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:20,640 Then you are pretty much on a par with those ancient Mexicans. 625 00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:21,920 Oh, am I? 626 00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:24,080 Yeah. The Aztec or the... SHE MOUTHS 627 00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:25,880 ..Mexica. 628 00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:27,320 LAUGHTER 629 00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:29,240 - The Mexica, as they were called... - Yeah. 630 00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:31,040 ..from which, we get our word Mexico, 631 00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:34,120 did have a firm, but fair, way of treating their children. 632 00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:35,400 That means "very cruel". 633 00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:36,920 Yeah, I know. 634 00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:39,560 And the Codex Mendoza was written by someone 635 00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:41,880 observing the practices of the Aztecs, 636 00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:43,920 and this is what he found. 637 00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:48,400 Basically, they were taught to be humble, hard-working and polite, 638 00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:49,800 just like British... 639 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:52,400 Oh, no, what am I talking about? LAUGHTER 640 00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:54,160 So this is how it went. 641 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:55,920 It begins with an eight-year-old boy 642 00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:58,800 - being threatened with the spines of a cactus. - Wow. 643 00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:01,360 The following year, he's stripped, bound and pierced 644 00:26:01,360 --> 00:26:03,760 in his neck, side and thigh. 645 00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:07,040 Next year, he's bound and beaten with a pine stick. 646 00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:09,720 The year after that, aged 11, his father holds his son, 647 00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:14,440 bound and weeping over a fire of burning chillies - 648 00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:15,920 as you can see, top right, there. 649 00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:18,520 - All practices carried on in English boarding schools. - Yes. 650 00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:19,840 LAUGHTER 651 00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:22,280 Finally, a stroppy 12-year-old is bound and dumped 652 00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:24,760 in a damp vegetable patch for a day 653 00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:26,520 to reflect on his conduct. 654 00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:30,000 By the time he's 13, he's dutifully gathering reeds, as you can see. 655 00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:31,800 Yeah, bearing a terrible grudge. 656 00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:33,440 LAUGHTER 657 00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:35,480 - Which he will take out on HIS child. - Yes. 658 00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:37,280 Unfortunately, that's the way it works. 659 00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:40,280 - So, it's a sort of a meme of cruelty. - It is, yeah. 660 00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:43,000 But the Huichol Mexicans - and you'll like this, I think, Jo - 661 00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:45,000 they had an interesting practice, 662 00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:47,160 which was, when a woman was pregnant, 663 00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:48,680 she would lie, and, 664 00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:50,200 in the room above, 665 00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:52,120 her husband would lie, 666 00:26:52,120 --> 00:26:53,840 and he would have strings 667 00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:55,840 attached to his testicles, 668 00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:57,720 which would drop down into the room below - 669 00:26:57,720 --> 00:26:59,080 where his wife was pregnant. 670 00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:00,400 I'm loving this so far. 671 00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:01,640 She would have... 672 00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:04,520 She would hold the strings and, when she had a contraction, 673 00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:06,720 she would pull... AUDIENCE GASPS 674 00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:09,040 ..so that he was forced to share her pain... 675 00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:11,280 LAUGHTER 676 00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:14,240 He, cunningly, slipped the string off, tied it onto the... 677 00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:16,600 boards of the bed and went to the pub. 678 00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:18,560 LAUGHTER 679 00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:19,960 Tied it to the dog. 680 00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:21,800 "Tied it to the dog"! 681 00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:23,120 BILL BARKS 682 00:27:23,120 --> 00:27:24,640 Or his 12-year-old son. 683 00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:26,560 - "Argh!" - LAUGHTER 684 00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:28,400 It's possible. 685 00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:30,280 - Oh, we're... Sorry, go on. - No, carry on. 686 00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:31,640 No, I was going to say a terrible 687 00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:34,600 and very embarrassing story about testicles, but you carry on. 688 00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:36,680 - Oh, I want your testicle story. - All right, then. 689 00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:38,640 Well, we had this dog, and it got into the bed 690 00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:40,360 and it started to lick... 691 00:27:40,360 --> 00:27:42,120 the wrong set of testicles. 692 00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:46,680 - That's all I'm saying. - LAUGHTER AND GASPS 693 00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:48,480 Surely everybody wins? 694 00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:51,360 - Everyone's a winner. - LAUGHTER 695 00:27:51,360 --> 00:27:52,720 Not everyone, Stephen. 696 00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:54,440 I haven't been back. 697 00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:57,560 LAUGHTER 698 00:27:57,560 --> 00:28:02,520 APPLAUSE 699 00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:04,880 Yeah, the Mexica people of Mexico 700 00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:08,200 used a very hands-on variety of tough love. 701 00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:11,920 And speaking of hands, what's this man doing with his other hand? 702 00:28:11,920 --> 00:28:13,400 LAUGHTER 703 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:15,840 - Oh, Lord! - It's M, it's M... 704 00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:17,840 - It begins with M. - It begins with M. 705 00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:19,560 He could be doing anything, Stephen. 706 00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:21,120 Is it something beginning with M? 707 00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:23,520 If that was me, it would be me trying to work out how the... 708 00:28:23,520 --> 00:28:25,800 - Scratching? - ..bloody thing works with a printer. 709 00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:28,120 - Well, it does begin with M. - Massaging something? 710 00:28:28,120 --> 00:28:31,200 - If I tell you that he's a professor. - He's got a massive mouse on his leg. 711 00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:34,000 - Milking, mousing. - "Massive mouse." 712 00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:36,600 You're right to think of an animal, cos he's a scientist - 713 00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:39,120 a professor at the University of Kentucky. 714 00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:41,880 Has he got his finger stuck in a moose? 715 00:28:41,880 --> 00:28:45,080 LAUGHTER 716 00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:47,560 He's a Mexican, he's a Mexican man, 717 00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:50,560 and he's pressing a child against a cactus under the desk. 718 00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:52,240 LAUGHTER 719 00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:53,520 He's a cruel man. 720 00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:55,200 He is Professor Grayson Brown, 721 00:28:55,200 --> 00:28:58,680 and he's an entomologist of a particular kind. 722 00:28:58,680 --> 00:29:01,200 A culicidologist, if that makes any sense to you. 723 00:29:01,200 --> 00:29:03,520 - Molluscs? - Not molluscs. 724 00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:05,080 - Oh. - An entomologist. - Mosquitoes. 725 00:29:05,080 --> 00:29:06,960 Mosquitoes is the right answer. 726 00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:09,400 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 727 00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:11,760 - Wow! - On fire. 728 00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:13,240 Sorry. 729 00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:14,400 That's brilliant. 730 00:29:14,400 --> 00:29:16,720 He's very serious in his study of mosquitoes, 731 00:29:16,720 --> 00:29:19,280 and he was allowing 1,000 mosquitoes - 732 00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:20,520 as he does every morning, 733 00:29:20,520 --> 00:29:22,600 while he carries on doing his e-mails - 734 00:29:22,600 --> 00:29:25,200 to feast on his arm. 735 00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:28,480 His body is so used to it they no longer leave a mark, apparently. 736 00:29:28,480 --> 00:29:29,840 It's most bizarre. 737 00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:32,360 Asian mosquitoes are very picky, 738 00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:34,840 they only, ONLY, feast on humans... 739 00:29:34,840 --> 00:29:37,360 They won't eat the blood of any other animal. 740 00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:39,280 ..and, in order to keep them happy, 741 00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:41,200 obviously they need a big supply of blood. 742 00:29:41,200 --> 00:29:42,680 So, he and his fellow workers... 743 00:29:42,680 --> 00:29:45,120 And some animals, it has to be said, in his lab, 744 00:29:45,120 --> 00:29:48,800 also supply the blood for other breeds of mosquito - 745 00:29:48,800 --> 00:29:52,080 but, for the Asian ones, it's just humans. 746 00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:54,880 And, of course, they have to keep them breeding. 747 00:29:54,880 --> 00:29:57,440 Now, they're odd, these Asian mosquitoes, 748 00:29:57,440 --> 00:29:58,760 cos they're really a bit lazy. 749 00:29:58,760 --> 00:30:00,800 I suppose they produce so many thousands... 750 00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:02,200 What's he trying to find out? 751 00:30:02,200 --> 00:30:04,640 I mean, what is there left to know about these creatures? 752 00:30:04,640 --> 00:30:07,480 Well, given how many millions of people they kill every year, 753 00:30:07,480 --> 00:30:09,680 it's kind of... You can't know enough. 754 00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:11,800 Cos they kill more, as you know, than wars. 755 00:30:11,800 --> 00:30:14,360 But in order to get them to mate, to force-mate them. 756 00:30:14,360 --> 00:30:16,760 Play some Barry White, give them some wine. 757 00:30:16,760 --> 00:30:18,040 LAUGHTER 758 00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:20,040 Well, that's what I thought, but in this case, 759 00:30:20,040 --> 00:30:22,280 - they decapitate the male... - Oh, that's different. 760 00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:24,120 - No, no, that wouldn't work. - Good so far. 761 00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:27,040 LAUGHTER ..they anaesthetise the female. 762 00:30:27,040 --> 00:30:29,560 They then insert the male's genitals 763 00:30:29,560 --> 00:30:32,200 into his unconscious partner. 764 00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:34,120 Despite the lack of the male's head, 765 00:30:34,120 --> 00:30:36,400 and the lack of the female's consciousness, 766 00:30:36,400 --> 00:30:37,920 the insects lock together, 767 00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:39,440 sperm is transferred, 768 00:30:39,440 --> 00:30:41,240 and the female becomes pregnant. 769 00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:43,560 Does that happen with humans? SHE MOUTHS 770 00:30:43,560 --> 00:30:45,800 - Yes? - Well, if you've had enough Jagermeister, 771 00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:48,440 - I suppose it will, yeah. - LAUGHTER 772 00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:51,600 And a skilled entomologist can do this without a microscope. 773 00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:53,600 That's nothing to brag about, though, is it? 774 00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:55,440 No, it probably isn't! 775 00:30:55,440 --> 00:30:57,920 "Oh, I can make mosquitoes bang without a microscope." 776 00:30:57,920 --> 00:30:59,080 LAUGHTER 777 00:30:59,080 --> 00:31:02,520 We had a pair of preying mantis once in the kitchen, 778 00:31:02,520 --> 00:31:05,320 In a... You know, in the tank, obviously. 779 00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:08,000 And I came home one night and the male praying mantis 780 00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:09,280 was on the kitchen floor 781 00:31:09,280 --> 00:31:11,360 walking across, like, towards the door. 782 00:31:11,360 --> 00:31:14,040 And I went, "Oh, no, he's got out of the t... Oh, what a shame." 783 00:31:14,040 --> 00:31:15,440 And I carefully scooped him up, 784 00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:17,560 and I placed him back in the tank, very gently, 785 00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:19,840 and the female pounced and bit his head off and... 786 00:31:19,840 --> 00:31:21,280 LAUGHTER 787 00:31:21,280 --> 00:31:23,200 ..he was clearly making a break for it. 788 00:31:23,200 --> 00:31:26,240 - Oh, because they do. - The whole time, "No, don't put me back there. Oh." 789 00:31:26,240 --> 00:31:28,560 - The females do eat the males, don't they? - Yes, they do. 790 00:31:28,560 --> 00:31:31,440 - So, they must have just mated. - They must have just... And he was off. 791 00:31:31,440 --> 00:31:32,560 Yeah. Oh, dear, oh, dear. 792 00:31:32,560 --> 00:31:35,760 Now, then, what's the world's oldest complaint? 793 00:31:35,760 --> 00:31:37,400 "I'm dying." 794 00:31:37,400 --> 00:31:38,960 LAUGHTER 795 00:31:40,320 --> 00:31:41,360 Er... 796 00:31:41,360 --> 00:31:43,520 - We're after the first recorded complaint. - Oh. 797 00:31:43,520 --> 00:31:44,840 A medical complaint? 798 00:31:44,840 --> 00:31:46,840 - Not a medical complaint, actually. - Oh, right. 799 00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:48,440 Complaint as in a moan, as in a... 800 00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:49,960 Oh, I see, so the... 801 00:31:49,960 --> 00:31:52,800 Where were the earliest pieces of writing that we have? 802 00:31:52,800 --> 00:31:54,240 In hieroglyphs? 803 00:31:54,240 --> 00:31:57,240 Not hieroglyphs, actually - they're made with reeds... 804 00:31:57,240 --> 00:31:59,760 poked into wet clay onto tablets, 805 00:31:59,760 --> 00:32:02,560 so the edge of the reed is like a wedge shape, 806 00:32:02,560 --> 00:32:06,400 and Latin for "wedge," cuneus... 807 00:32:06,400 --> 00:32:07,880 Cuneiform? 808 00:32:07,880 --> 00:32:10,120 - Cuneiform, yes. - Oh, right. 809 00:32:10,120 --> 00:32:12,280 Which was where - where did they do that? 810 00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:13,320 - It's... - Babylon. 811 00:32:13,320 --> 00:32:16,120 - Babylon, yeah, Mesopotamia. - Mesopotamia! 812 00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:17,360 Mesopotamia! 813 00:32:17,360 --> 00:32:18,600 Knew it'd come up! 814 00:32:18,600 --> 00:32:20,960 - LAUGHTER - Keep saying it. 815 00:32:20,960 --> 00:32:22,920 "Keep saying it, it'll be right in a minute." 816 00:32:22,920 --> 00:32:26,080 And they have an enormous number of these in the British Museum, 817 00:32:26,080 --> 00:32:28,000 - a fantastic collection. - Stolen! 818 00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:29,040 Well... 819 00:32:29,040 --> 00:32:30,520 Sorry - saved. 820 00:32:30,520 --> 00:32:32,560 - LAUGHTER Saved! - Salvaged. 821 00:32:32,560 --> 00:32:35,880 - What, so it's a complaint, you're saying? - It's a complaint. 822 00:32:35,880 --> 00:32:39,240 It's from a merchant, and it's nearly 4,000 years old. 823 00:32:39,240 --> 00:32:42,280 It's an ancient Babylonian copper merchant. 824 00:32:42,280 --> 00:32:43,640 He's called Nanni. 825 00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:46,520 He's complaining to a supplier called Ea-nasir 826 00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:50,120 that he's received a shipment of copper ore which was late, 827 00:32:50,120 --> 00:32:53,240 and it was damaged and of an inferior grade. 828 00:32:53,240 --> 00:32:57,120 "You have put ingots which were not good enough before my messenger, 829 00:32:57,120 --> 00:32:59,600 "and said, 'If you want to take them, take them. 830 00:32:59,600 --> 00:33:01,400 "'If you do not want to take them, go away.' 831 00:33:01,400 --> 00:33:02,520 "What do you take me for, 832 00:33:02,520 --> 00:33:04,800 "that you treat me with such contempt? 833 00:33:04,800 --> 00:33:06,840 "You alone treat my messenger with contempt. 834 00:33:06,840 --> 00:33:10,680 "You have withheld my money bag from me in enemy territory. 835 00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:14,000 "It's now up to you to restore my money to me in full." 836 00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:16,240 I was thinking that earlier and I should have said it. 837 00:33:16,240 --> 00:33:18,440 You...! LAUGHTER 838 00:33:18,440 --> 00:33:21,200 Would there be a series of these complaints going back and forth? 839 00:33:21,200 --> 00:33:23,040 We don't have... STEPHEN LAUGHS 840 00:33:23,040 --> 00:33:25,840 "I refer you to the tablet of the 14th." 841 00:33:25,840 --> 00:33:27,000 LAUGHTER 842 00:33:27,000 --> 00:33:29,320 "I still have not received redress on the copper." 843 00:33:29,320 --> 00:33:30,360 LAUGHTER 844 00:33:30,360 --> 00:33:33,240 On and on, like, piles and piles of these things. 845 00:33:33,240 --> 00:33:36,320 "Stick your ingots where the sun don't shine." 846 00:33:36,320 --> 00:33:37,360 LAUGHTER 847 00:33:37,360 --> 00:33:40,880 "I will be speaking to you now through my lawyers." 848 00:33:40,880 --> 00:33:44,080 I mean, the things that survived most in terms of writing 849 00:33:44,080 --> 00:33:47,000 - are nearly always things to do with money and trade. - Mmm. 850 00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:48,760 Cos that's what people cared about most, 851 00:33:48,760 --> 00:33:50,720 and that's how writing seemed to develop. 852 00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:54,200 So, the world's first complaint was composed on a tablet. 853 00:33:54,200 --> 00:33:55,720 But now it's time to move on 854 00:33:55,720 --> 00:33:58,640 to the low-hanging fruit of General Ignorance. 855 00:33:58,640 --> 00:34:01,040 What kind of animal is a musk ox? 856 00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:03,040 Is it an ox? 857 00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:05,400 KLAXON BLARES Oh! 858 00:34:05,400 --> 00:34:07,200 How could you think such a thing? 859 00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:10,600 - What kind of animal is a musk ox? - Musk. 860 00:34:10,600 --> 00:34:11,960 KLAXON BLARES 861 00:34:11,960 --> 00:34:13,000 Not a musk. 862 00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:14,160 That's... 863 00:34:14,160 --> 00:34:15,800 LAUGHTER 864 00:34:15,800 --> 00:34:18,000 - You did say musk! - Is it a deer? 865 00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:19,600 Is it a banana, Stephen? 866 00:34:19,600 --> 00:34:21,480 Not a banana! LAUGHTER 867 00:34:21,480 --> 00:34:23,240 - Have a look at one. - Have a look at one? 868 00:34:23,240 --> 00:34:26,080 - Yeah, have a look at some musk oxen. - Cow. - Bison. 869 00:34:26,080 --> 00:34:28,400 - Not a bison, no. - Is it a sheep? 870 00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:29,600 A snake? 871 00:34:29,600 --> 00:34:31,400 Sheep is the right answer-ish. 872 00:34:31,400 --> 00:34:33,440 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - A goat? 873 00:34:33,440 --> 00:34:35,040 A goat! 874 00:34:36,360 --> 00:34:38,240 It's a goat, well done. 875 00:34:38,240 --> 00:34:41,080 - It's a goat. - Got its horns right down the side, low down - 876 00:34:41,080 --> 00:34:43,120 that's very difficult for rutting, isn't it? 877 00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:45,160 Got to go up next to someone and hook them. 878 00:34:45,160 --> 00:34:48,000 And they have enormous coats of fur. 879 00:34:48,000 --> 00:34:50,160 Thought you might have said something else there. 880 00:34:50,160 --> 00:34:51,200 LAUGHTER 881 00:34:51,200 --> 00:34:53,600 Really huge, and they are very... 882 00:34:53,600 --> 00:34:55,480 very good at surviving cold temperatures. 883 00:34:55,480 --> 00:34:58,600 So good that they survived the cold temperature 884 00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:00,840 that many of their fellow animals at the time didn't - 885 00:35:00,840 --> 00:35:02,640 the sabre-toothed tiger, for example. 886 00:35:02,640 --> 00:35:04,160 - ALAN GASPS - Ice age! 887 00:35:04,160 --> 00:35:06,720 The ice age - they survived the ice age. 888 00:35:06,720 --> 00:35:09,640 And they're a hardy, hardy beast. 889 00:35:09,640 --> 00:35:13,360 They have this wonderful butting contest where they butt heads. 890 00:35:13,360 --> 00:35:17,520 Males, don't they - they have these tremendous battles, male... 891 00:35:17,520 --> 00:35:19,720 Man on man... Mano a mano. 892 00:35:19,720 --> 00:35:22,760 - "Mano a mano" means "hand to hand." - Yeah. 893 00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:24,800 OK, what's the head, then? 894 00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:26,880 LAUGHTER 895 00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:28,800 Well, yeah, despite its name, 896 00:35:28,800 --> 00:35:31,160 the musk ox is a member of the goat family. 897 00:35:31,160 --> 00:35:34,040 What do magpies like to steal? 898 00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:35,920 Shiny things. 899 00:35:35,920 --> 00:35:38,560 KLAXON BLARES LAUGHTER 900 00:35:38,560 --> 00:35:39,600 Everyone knows that! 901 00:35:39,600 --> 00:35:42,360 - Oh, Alany, Alany, Alany-walany, Alany-walany-woo. - Come on! 902 00:35:42,360 --> 00:35:45,000 - No. We think they do, but they don't. - Oh. 903 00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:48,000 - We've done tests. Well, WE haven't, people have. - Have you? 904 00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:51,200 Out of 64 of them, magpies picked up a shiny object only twice, 905 00:35:51,200 --> 00:35:52,960 and then immediately dropped it. 906 00:35:52,960 --> 00:35:55,040 They're not interested in shiny things. 907 00:35:55,040 --> 00:35:58,160 Like all animals, they're interested in things that look like food or... 908 00:35:58,160 --> 00:36:00,560 that they can shag. LAUGHTER 909 00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:03,440 The... It's folklore surrounding them, seems to be just that - 910 00:36:03,440 --> 00:36:05,000 folklore, anecdotes. 911 00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:07,520 But the Italian for magpie... 912 00:36:08,480 --> 00:36:09,960 ..leads to an interesting thing. 913 00:36:09,960 --> 00:36:11,480 - FAUX ITALIAN ACCENT: - Magpie-o. 914 00:36:11,480 --> 00:36:13,160 LAUGHTER 915 00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:14,320 Awfully nice thought. 916 00:36:14,320 --> 00:36:17,040 Do you know the Rossini opera, The Thieving Magpie? 917 00:36:17,040 --> 00:36:18,680 Called "La Gazza Ladra." 918 00:36:18,680 --> 00:36:21,200 "Gazza" is a magpie, 919 00:36:21,200 --> 00:36:24,760 and a little magpie, "gazzetta." 920 00:36:24,760 --> 00:36:27,000 - Oh, it's the newspaper. - Called the "gazzetta". 921 00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:28,720 A newspaper - gazette. 922 00:36:28,720 --> 00:36:30,320 And that's it, the gossipy chatter, 923 00:36:30,320 --> 00:36:32,240 - like a magpie. - Ah! 924 00:36:32,240 --> 00:36:34,240 That's where we get that word, "gazette". 925 00:36:34,240 --> 00:36:37,720 - I like... I quite like that one. - Yeah, me too. - Yeah. - Yeah, certainly. 926 00:36:37,720 --> 00:36:41,120 Also, if I were to say that the magpie's real name is a pie, 927 00:36:41,120 --> 00:36:42,560 it's a pie. 928 00:36:42,560 --> 00:36:45,120 Then where does the "mag" come from? 929 00:36:45,120 --> 00:36:47,200 - Margaret. - Yeah. 930 00:36:47,200 --> 00:36:48,520 - Margaret. - Was it? - Yeah. 931 00:36:48,520 --> 00:36:52,440 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 932 00:36:52,440 --> 00:36:56,360 Where did that come from? 933 00:36:56,360 --> 00:36:58,160 "Margaret Pie." 934 00:36:58,160 --> 00:37:01,800 In medieval England, it was common to give birds a Christian name, 935 00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:06,080 sometimes, and the ones that have survived have included magpie. 936 00:37:06,080 --> 00:37:08,040 - Which other ones can you...? - Robin. - Robin. 937 00:37:08,040 --> 00:37:09,840 - Robin redbreast. - Robin redbreast. 938 00:37:09,840 --> 00:37:12,640 Robin's the only one where the first name is the one that's kept... 939 00:37:12,640 --> 00:37:14,880 - Dave Starling. - Sorry? LAUGHTER 940 00:37:14,880 --> 00:37:17,040 - Joseph Starling? - No, big Dave Starling. 941 00:37:17,040 --> 00:37:18,480 LAUGHTER 942 00:37:18,480 --> 00:37:20,200 Joseph would have been funny. 943 00:37:20,200 --> 00:37:22,640 Joseph Starling is good, yeah. I like that. I prefer that. 944 00:37:22,640 --> 00:37:25,560 - Not as funny as Dave, but it's better. - Yeah. 945 00:37:25,560 --> 00:37:26,600 Tomtit. 946 00:37:26,600 --> 00:37:27,800 - Jenny Wren. - Tomtit, yeah. 947 00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:29,840 Charlie Crow. 948 00:37:29,840 --> 00:37:32,680 - Jackdaw. - Jackdaw. - Oh, jackdaw. - Yeah, yeah. 949 00:37:32,680 --> 00:37:35,200 - So there are a few of them. - Christopher Chaffinch. 950 00:37:35,200 --> 00:37:38,960 LAUGHTER 951 00:37:38,960 --> 00:37:41,880 - We had an injured bird in the garden yesterday... - Oh. 952 00:37:41,880 --> 00:37:44,400 ..and it looked like a magpie, and it couldn't take off, 953 00:37:44,400 --> 00:37:47,000 and I was watching it for ages. I didn't know what to do with it, 954 00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:48,960 so I opened the back gate and shooed it out. 955 00:37:48,960 --> 00:37:50,760 LAUGHTER 956 00:37:50,760 --> 00:37:54,160 - Oh, dear. - What do you think it was, then? What make? - "The back gate." 957 00:37:54,160 --> 00:37:57,280 - I think it was a young crow... - Yeah. 958 00:37:57,280 --> 00:38:00,680 ..that was having a bit of trouble with flight, 959 00:38:00,680 --> 00:38:02,600 - because it flew into a bush... - Oh, dear. 960 00:38:02,600 --> 00:38:04,040 ..and I presume it's dead by now. 961 00:38:04,040 --> 00:38:05,720 LAUGHTER 962 00:38:05,720 --> 00:38:08,840 - That's it, you...? - And that's the end of tonight's Springwatch. - Yes. 963 00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:11,600 LAUGHTER 964 00:38:11,600 --> 00:38:17,080 APPLAUSE 965 00:38:17,080 --> 00:38:19,000 What could you have done with it? 966 00:38:19,000 --> 00:38:21,840 - I don't know, what are you going to do with a bird? - Shoot it, shoot it. 967 00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:23,480 - Take it out. - Shoot the... 968 00:38:23,480 --> 00:38:26,120 - Sniper's rifle, through the brain. - I could have gone after it, 969 00:38:26,120 --> 00:38:28,360 because it was in the garden and couldn't get out. 970 00:38:28,360 --> 00:38:32,000 - I could have easily got it with a tennis racket. - Yeah, exactly. Yeah. - AUDIENCE GASPS 971 00:38:32,000 --> 00:38:33,600 Just scoop it up with a tennis racket 972 00:38:33,600 --> 00:38:35,440 - and hit it with a frying pan... - LAUGHTER 973 00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:37,760 ..and chuck it over the wall. That's what I'd do. 974 00:38:37,760 --> 00:38:40,480 And then its parents would have come and ate it, wouldn't they? 975 00:38:40,480 --> 00:38:43,480 - Yeah, that's right. - Let's face it, it is the wild. - Yeah. - Exactly, yes. 976 00:38:43,480 --> 00:38:44,640 Even if it is Hampstead. 977 00:38:44,640 --> 00:38:46,240 LAUGHTER 978 00:38:46,240 --> 00:38:47,880 It's wild for them, though. 979 00:38:47,880 --> 00:38:49,720 They'd have had it in a coulis. 980 00:38:49,720 --> 00:38:52,840 LAUGHTER 981 00:38:52,840 --> 00:38:55,160 A crow couscous. 982 00:38:55,160 --> 00:38:56,480 With some quinoa. 983 00:38:56,480 --> 00:38:57,880 LAUGHTER 984 00:38:57,880 --> 00:38:59,680 I wonder what its name was. 985 00:38:59,680 --> 00:39:00,800 Clive, I expect. 986 00:39:00,800 --> 00:39:02,520 No, I think it was Vel. 987 00:39:02,520 --> 00:39:04,360 - Vel? - Vel-crow. - "Velcro." 988 00:39:04,360 --> 00:39:07,480 APPLAUSE 989 00:39:07,480 --> 00:39:10,600 Oh, dear. Oh, dear. 990 00:39:10,600 --> 00:39:14,760 So, magpies aren't particularly interested in shiny objects. 991 00:39:14,760 --> 00:39:17,400 How many paintings did Vincent Van Gogh - 992 00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:19,760 or "Goch," or "Gough," or "Go"... 993 00:39:19,760 --> 00:39:21,560 How many did he sell while he was alive? 994 00:39:21,560 --> 00:39:22,920 Don't say none. 995 00:39:22,920 --> 00:39:24,280 TURNTABLE SCRATCHES 996 00:39:24,280 --> 00:39:25,920 None! I'm going to say none. 997 00:39:25,920 --> 00:39:28,440 KLAXON BLARES 998 00:39:28,440 --> 00:39:30,720 - D'oh! - D'oh! 999 00:39:30,720 --> 00:39:33,000 Really, I'm afraid... 1000 00:39:33,000 --> 00:39:34,720 - One. - A few, maybe? 1001 00:39:34,720 --> 00:39:36,880 KLAXON BLARES 1002 00:39:36,880 --> 00:39:38,360 "A few". 1003 00:39:38,360 --> 00:39:41,120 It was lots. He sold hundreds of paintings. 1004 00:39:41,120 --> 00:39:42,800 - Hundreds?! - Yeah, when he was 15, 1005 00:39:42,800 --> 00:39:44,440 he used to work in an art gallery. 1006 00:39:44,440 --> 00:39:46,400 - Oh, shut up! - LAUGHTER 1007 00:39:46,400 --> 00:39:47,680 It's true. 1008 00:39:47,680 --> 00:39:50,040 I just asked you how many paintings... 1009 00:39:50,040 --> 00:39:52,560 This is the closest I've come to walking out of this show! 1010 00:39:52,560 --> 00:39:55,360 I'd like a recount on those two. 1011 00:39:55,360 --> 00:39:57,120 It was a horribly mean question, 1012 00:39:57,120 --> 00:39:59,480 but the fact is, he did sell hundreds, 1013 00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:01,080 they just weren't his own. 1014 00:40:01,080 --> 00:40:03,240 He was very good at selling them, too - 1015 00:40:03,240 --> 00:40:06,200 he did extremely well, and it was a big French company, 1016 00:40:06,200 --> 00:40:08,120 and his brother, Theo, 1017 00:40:08,120 --> 00:40:10,240 ran the Montmartre branch, 1018 00:40:10,240 --> 00:40:14,680 and Vincent relocated, after a while, to the London branch. 1019 00:40:14,680 --> 00:40:17,160 And he spent two years in London, living in Brixton, 1020 00:40:17,160 --> 00:40:20,080 and he called it the happiest time of his life. 1021 00:40:20,080 --> 00:40:22,200 Yeah, he did really well, and he loved it. 1022 00:40:22,200 --> 00:40:25,040 - Good fun in Brixton. - It's great. - It was good fun, it's a good place. 1023 00:40:25,040 --> 00:40:26,720 - Brixton Village. - Brixton Village. 1024 00:40:26,720 --> 00:40:29,360 He would have gone and got some chicken from Chickenliquor, 1025 00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:30,840 that's real nice. 1026 00:40:30,840 --> 00:40:33,080 - Yeah. - Is that your manor? 1027 00:40:33,080 --> 00:40:35,360 I used to live in Brixton and... 1028 00:40:35,360 --> 00:40:37,920 Do you know what I nearly did then? I nearly called you "man," 1029 00:40:37,920 --> 00:40:39,520 - and then I stopped myself. - Thank you. 1030 00:40:39,520 --> 00:40:42,440 - I just want you to appreciate that. - I really do. Thank you. 1031 00:40:42,440 --> 00:40:47,320 - Anyway, perhaps the most surprising thing we'll all learn today... - Yes. 1032 00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:49,280 ..is that, after Brixton, 1033 00:40:49,280 --> 00:40:52,480 he came back to the UK in 1876, 1034 00:40:52,480 --> 00:40:54,120 and Vincent Van Gogh... 1035 00:40:54,120 --> 00:40:55,360 worked... 1036 00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:58,000 as a supply teacher in Ramsgate. 1037 00:40:58,000 --> 00:41:00,240 - Oh! - Isn't that wonderful? 1038 00:41:00,240 --> 00:41:03,280 - Wow. - That's a big surprise, isn't it? - It is. It is, yeah. 1039 00:41:03,280 --> 00:41:06,280 I wonder if the children remembered him for years afterwards... 1040 00:41:06,280 --> 00:41:08,520 - Mr Van Gogh? - ..as a flame-haired figure. - Moody sod. 1041 00:41:08,520 --> 00:41:11,200 - Yeah. - Yeah. - Then he became a painter, supported financially, 1042 00:41:11,200 --> 00:41:13,720 and, indeed, emotionally by his brother, Theo. 1043 00:41:13,720 --> 00:41:16,600 He suffered from tinnitus, vertigo and, of course, depression, 1044 00:41:16,600 --> 00:41:19,400 and he killed himself aged 37. 1045 00:41:19,400 --> 00:41:22,320 Only one of his 900 paintings 1046 00:41:22,320 --> 00:41:24,520 was sold in his lifetime. 1047 00:41:24,520 --> 00:41:27,280 Sold to a remarkable woman called Anna Boch, 1048 00:41:27,280 --> 00:41:28,840 - who was, herself, a painter. - One. 1049 00:41:28,840 --> 00:41:30,600 - You said one! - I said one. - You said one. 1050 00:41:30,600 --> 00:41:33,240 I asked how many paintings, not how many of HIS OWN paintings. 1051 00:41:33,240 --> 00:41:34,600 BILL GROANS 1052 00:41:34,600 --> 00:41:36,920 I know, I'm sorry, but, look, I did say... 1053 00:41:36,920 --> 00:41:38,880 Chairman of the Pedantic Association. 1054 00:41:38,880 --> 00:41:40,640 LAUGHTER 1055 00:41:40,640 --> 00:41:43,840 "It's actually the Society of Pedantics, but I'll let that go." 1056 00:41:43,840 --> 00:41:46,480 Yes, exactly, in fact. LAUGHTER 1057 00:41:46,480 --> 00:41:48,920 Anna Boch paid 400 francs 1058 00:41:48,920 --> 00:41:51,800 for a painting of his called The Red Vineyard, 1059 00:41:51,800 --> 00:41:53,240 which is rather beautiful. 1060 00:41:53,240 --> 00:41:56,080 About £1,000 today, that would be. 1061 00:41:56,080 --> 00:41:58,200 Bet he had a big night that night. 1062 00:41:58,200 --> 00:42:00,280 Well, it was only four months before his death, 1063 00:42:00,280 --> 00:42:02,560 so it obviously didn't cheer him up enormously. 1064 00:42:02,560 --> 00:42:06,120 Five out of the 30 most valuable paintings ever sold at auction 1065 00:42:06,120 --> 00:42:07,160 are Van Goghs. 1066 00:42:07,160 --> 00:42:10,200 Four of them raising over 100 million each. 1067 00:42:10,200 --> 00:42:14,000 That, er... That was his life, a very unfortunate one in that sense. 1068 00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:17,240 But his work lives on for ever, of course. 1069 00:42:17,240 --> 00:42:19,800 And with that, the final whistle has blown and... 1070 00:42:19,800 --> 00:42:21,160 STEPHEN LAUGHS 1071 00:42:21,160 --> 00:42:23,040 ..the match has come to an end. 1072 00:42:23,040 --> 00:42:26,840 It's actually a very extraordinary series of scores. 1073 00:42:26,840 --> 00:42:28,160 Um... 1074 00:42:28,160 --> 00:42:30,520 In first place, with plus eight - 1075 00:42:30,520 --> 00:42:33,120 yes, she WAS on fire - Jo Brand! 1076 00:42:33,120 --> 00:42:38,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1077 00:42:38,240 --> 00:42:41,120 In second place... 1078 00:42:41,120 --> 00:42:43,960 with minus seven, it's James. 1079 00:42:43,960 --> 00:42:46,760 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1080 00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:49,760 In third place... 1081 00:42:49,760 --> 00:42:52,200 with minus 32, is Bill Bailey. 1082 00:42:52,200 --> 00:42:56,000 - Minus, how...? - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1083 00:42:56,000 --> 00:42:58,440 In fourth place... 1084 00:42:58,440 --> 00:42:59,760 with minus 41, Alan Davies. 1085 00:42:59,760 --> 00:43:02,360 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1086 00:43:06,680 --> 00:43:09,240 So, all that remains for me 1087 00:43:09,240 --> 00:43:11,120 is to pull up the corner flags, 1088 00:43:11,120 --> 00:43:13,320 thank James, Bill, Jo and Alan, 1089 00:43:13,320 --> 00:43:15,760 and to leave you with this classic piece of Ron Atkinson 1090 00:43:15,760 --> 00:43:18,400 when asked about what made the perfect match. 1091 00:43:18,400 --> 00:43:21,040 "Well, Clive, it's all about the two M's - 1092 00:43:21,040 --> 00:43:23,520 "movement and positioning." 1093 00:43:23,520 --> 00:43:24,800 Good night. 1094 00:43:24,800 --> 00:43:27,840 APPLAUSE