1 00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:32,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:34,440 Good evening, 3 00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:37,040 good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 4 00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:39,600 good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening... 5 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:40,920 and welcome to QI - 6 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:44,000 where, tonight, we're mired in misconceptions 7 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:46,080 and nothing is as it seems. 8 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,480 Or is it? Or will they? Have they? 9 00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:50,240 I don't know. LAUGHTER 10 00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:52,680 Do you? Maybe not. I simply don't know. 11 00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:54,600 Or do I? LAUGHTER 12 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:56,240 Joining me tonight are... 13 00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:58,000 Sue Perkins. 14 00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:01,760 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 15 00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:03,560 ..Chris Addison... 16 00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:06,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 17 00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:08,120 ..Sara Cox... 18 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:11,120 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 19 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:12,800 ..and Alan Davies. 20 00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:15,600 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you, thank you. 21 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:20,560 So, let's hear your buzzers. 22 00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:21,720 Sue goes... 23 00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:23,240 BUZZER 24 00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:26,120 - Oh! - Chris goes... IDENTICAL BUZZER 25 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:28,760 Sara goes... IDENTICAL BUZZER 26 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:29,920 Alan's buzzer... 27 00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:31,200 BIRD SCREECHES 28 00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:32,480 LAUGHTER 29 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:34,320 Oh. KLAXON 30 00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:36,000 LAUGHTER 31 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:38,280 That wasn't a buzzer, that was a buzzard. 32 00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:41,600 - That's harsh, though, isn't it? - It is harsh. 33 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:43,520 Am I on minus then already, 34 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:45,040 - before I've spoken? - Yes. 35 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:46,600 That is a new record. 36 00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:47,800 LAUGHTER 37 00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:51,520 I have no... My hands are tied. LAUGHTER 38 00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:54,800 Now, because almost everything we think we know about 39 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:58,040 the world is wrong, we've given you each a map, 40 00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:00,400 so you can refresh your memories. 41 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:03,360 - Yup, there it is. A map of the world. - Is that wrong? 42 00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:05,000 You're telling us that's wrong. 43 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:07,320 Well, the sea is where the land should be. 44 00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:13,080 So, I'm saying yes. 45 00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:16,280 - I don't mind that, shakes things up a bit. - It does, doesn't it? 46 00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:19,200 - It's wrong in other ways. - OK. - But it's a representation, 47 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:21,800 so we'll forgive it for not being perfectly accurate. 48 00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:25,680 - OK. - Because it's flat, and the earth is round. 49 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:30,400 If we were on a direct flight from Madrid to Montana... 50 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:35,560 which American states beginning with "M" would we fly over on the way? 51 00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:37,800 Merica? 52 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:40,640 Is that one? 53 00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:44,680 None. Because you go over the top, you go straight over the top. 54 00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:48,080 Is exactly right. Yes, that's right. 55 00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:49,800 Very good. 56 00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:54,200 - We will show you the route here. - You might go over Manitoba. 57 00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:56,320 Yes, you do go over Manitoba. 58 00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:57,960 You miss all the American states. 59 00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:00,040 It's seems to not be a straight line, 60 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:03,480 but of course on the globe it is the shortest distance to go that way. 61 00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:06,280 If you were to go what seems a straight line on flat paper, 62 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:09,000 it would actually be going around the curvature of the earth... 63 00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:11,760 Madrid is on the same line of latitude as New York. 64 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:13,040 It is. 65 00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:15,000 So you could go around that way. 66 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,240 Well, it's still further. 67 00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:21,360 You've got a little globe there. 68 00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:23,440 You can try with a piece of string. 69 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:25,320 OK. Let's do that. 70 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:27,160 Have a look. 71 00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:30,240 Where's Madrid? There we go. 72 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,760 There you are, viewers. 73 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:37,800 I've illustrated it perfectly. 74 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:40,560 You're right. We're nearly over Winnipeg, there. 75 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:43,160 Go over Winnipeg and Regina. 76 00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:46,200 Regina, you say? 77 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:49,440 If you compare the string with the lines of latitude on the globe, 78 00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:51,760 you've come so much further up, haven't you? 79 00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:54,280 Cos the line of latitude would be all the way along that way. 80 00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:57,880 - Yeah. We need more string! - You need more string. 81 00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:01,880 Are you wrestling with the world, here? 82 00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:05,200 - Yes. - Aren't we all, Steve? - Yes, I suppose. 83 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:08,480 Well, that's solved a lot of... Yeah. 84 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:11,600 That's an excellent in flight tool for any air hostess. 85 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,800 - Yes. - Explaining where you're going. 86 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:16,120 Just going to colour in Scotland yellow. 87 00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:25,920 - I didn't want them the same colour as England. - No. 88 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:31,160 What we have here is a particular kind of view of the world. 89 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,640 It's a 16th century cartographer. 90 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,640 Ricardo Montalban. 91 00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:39,560 No, his name was Gerard Merchant, but it wasn't, it was Latinised. 92 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:43,120 - Gerard Merchant. - Gerardus... - Mercator. 93 00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:45,080 Mercator. Well done, Chris. 94 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:47,320 It's called the Mercator Projection. 95 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:51,880 And it was the first time the world was expressed in such a way 96 00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:55,640 that sailors could navigate using straight lines from the compass. 97 00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:58,200 But in order to do that you had to compromise 98 00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:00,560 the reality of the shape of the continent. 99 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:02,640 So Africa became, for example, much smaller. 100 00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:05,000 - Everything near the equator was squashed. - Yeah. 101 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:08,200 Sometimes people think this was a sort of imperialist thing to make 102 00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:12,280 Europe look bigger, but it wasn't actually anything to do with that. 103 00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:15,560 It was, as always, to make money for commerce and trade. 104 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:19,120 Well, there you are, the great circle route is a roundabout way 105 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:21,040 of going in a straight line. 106 00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:25,160 So, how did the first American airmail arrive at its destination? 107 00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:26,880 Human cannonball. 108 00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:28,800 LAUGHTER That's a good thought. 109 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:32,760 They just put a postman in a cannon and fired him. 110 00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:34,600 Was it an air balloon? 111 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:37,360 It wasn't, I'm afraid. KLAXON 112 00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:41,640 - I mean... - Ha-ha-ha! - ..that seems... 113 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:44,280 LAUGHTER 114 00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:46,640 Welcome to QI. Quite right. 115 00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:48,760 Oh, surely a carrier pigeon. 116 00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:50,320 - Oh! - As in... 117 00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:53,440 KLAXON 118 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:54,960 Was it by bus? 119 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:56,240 Closer. 120 00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:58,400 - Bus is closer. Airmail was by bus? - Stagecoach? 121 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:01,520 - Train. - Sedan chair. - Train is the right answer. - Sedan chair. 122 00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:04,360 You deserve to get some points back, because it started by balloon, 123 00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:06,120 - you see, Sara. - Oh, really? - Yeah. 124 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:08,640 With great hoopla, they started an airmail service. 125 00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:11,240 It was going to go from Indiana to New York. 126 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:13,560 Unfortunately, they chose the opening day 127 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:16,600 and lots of mail had arrived, which was very self-consciously excited. 128 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:19,880 "My darling, you're going to get this by a new means of transport," 129 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,400 etc, etc. They were all thrilled by it. 130 00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:25,400 There was no wind and, after five hours, it had gone 30 miles... 131 00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:28,200 - LAUGHTER ..and so he just... - Could he...? 132 00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:30,720 Basically, they let themselves down and got on a train. 133 00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:32,680 Throwing the post overboard to keep height. 134 00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:34,040 LAUGHTER 135 00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:36,600 Was that in the days before the... 136 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:39,840 - They still had burners. - Did they literally use air for air balloons? 137 00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:42,880 - Well, yes, it had to be hot air. - What's the technical term for... 138 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:46,240 - That is the technical term. - It's a burner. - Very hard to spell. 139 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:48,920 He was a piano maker turned ballooning pioneer, 140 00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:53,760 Professor John Wise, who started it out. It was in 1859. 141 00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:59,080 The world's first official airmail delivery took place in 1911. 142 00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:02,040 - Where, do you think? - South Africa. 143 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:04,280 - SARA: - New Zealand. - Not South Africa or New Zealand. 144 00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:06,000 - France. - Germany. 145 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:07,720 No, it's India. 146 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:11,320 - What?! - All right. 147 00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:14,720 It's not that shocking, but it is perhaps surprising. 148 00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:16,360 Yeah, it travelled five miles. 149 00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:18,480 I wouldn't trust my letters in that contraption. 150 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,200 - They'd be blowing all over the shop. - They would, wouldn't they? 151 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,920 He can't be a postman, he's not got his shorts on either. 152 00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:26,560 - They wear a short, a tailored short. - Yes. 153 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:28,840 That's powered by a dog chasing it. 154 00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:34,640 The American airmail service was started in 1918 155 00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:36,840 as a way of training pilots - 156 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:39,240 and the assistant postmaster was ruthless, 157 00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:42,000 and he insisted that the trainees 158 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,440 would fly, whatever the weather. 159 00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:46,000 And out of 40 who started, 160 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:48,560 - more than half were killed. - Oh...! - Oh, dear. 161 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:50,760 He was a lunatic. He, himself, didn't fly - 162 00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:53,360 so it was pretty obvious he had no idea what was going on, 163 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:54,640 so it was all rather tragic. 164 00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:57,400 Good to see the use of a sinister doll on the mailbag as well. 165 00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:58,560 LAUGHTER 166 00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:00,880 - The whole thing's sent by voodoo. - Yeah, it is. 167 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:02,120 LAUGHTER 168 00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:04,280 It's for when they don't want to get in the plane, 169 00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:06,080 - he makes them with the doll. - LAUGHTER 170 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:07,360 He walks the doll. 171 00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:09,440 "I don't want to fly in the plane!" 172 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:14,960 The first airplane-powered glider airmail service 173 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:16,480 was founded by whom? 174 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:18,920 - Amy Johnson. - The first one was named after... 175 00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:21,120 - No, she's not known as an aviatrix... - Oh, right. 176 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:22,800 ..she's known as a novelist. 177 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:24,360 - Madonna. - Barbara Cartland. 178 00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:26,360 Is the right answer! 179 00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:31,360 APPLAUSE 180 00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:33,040 INAUDIBLE 181 00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:34,720 That was very impressive, Sue. 182 00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:38,560 Barbara Cartland flew the first glider that dispensed mail? 183 00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:41,200 - Yep, that's absolutely right. - Tell me it was painted pink. 184 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:44,040 The glider was called The Barbara Cartland, as you can see. Yeah. 185 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:46,600 - Where does she get her ideas? - Indeed. 186 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:48,960 Well, she was a flapper, she was a sort of deb. 187 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:50,480 She was very much an aristocrat, 188 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:53,040 part of the Bright Young Things - and they all loved to fly. 189 00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:56,120 - It was an expression of youth. - "Oh, because it was extremely good fun! 190 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:58,280 "I mean, just really, really good to get in a glider 191 00:08:58,280 --> 00:08:59,720 "and just shove a few letters out. 192 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:02,040 "Lovely, rollicking, good fun." 193 00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:04,880 One of the people I most admire in the 20th century was 194 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:06,280 the writer PG Wodehouse. 195 00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:08,560 He had such an extraordinary sunny disposition 196 00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:10,800 and a genuine belief in the goodness of people. 197 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:15,240 One of the things he did when he was in London, he would type letters, 198 00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:18,640 type the address, stamp it and throw it out the window. 199 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:21,840 And he reasoned that the average Britain on seeing a stamped 200 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:24,680 addressed envelope would put it in the nearest letterbox. 201 00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:27,720 And he claimed he never had a letter go astray. 202 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:30,440 But then he never had a reply either. 203 00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:35,400 America's first airmail letters arrived by train. 204 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,680 Now, from airmail to e-mail. 205 00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:41,280 What's the most effective way to do a massive data dump? 206 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:43,400 - Is it...? - LAUGHTER 207 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:45,760 Is it - "Give your laptop to a British civil servant 208 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:47,000 "to leave in a car?" 209 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:48,920 LAUGHTER Yes, that will happen. 210 00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:50,320 - A data dump? - Yeah. 211 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:51,720 I'm sorry about the picture, 212 00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:53,800 it's nothing to do with anything lavatorial. 213 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:56,000 - Where have you got that from? - I've no idea. 214 00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:58,120 They just googled "data dump", and there you are. 215 00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:00,560 - Yeah. - The techno turd. - LAUGHTER 216 00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:02,920 No, don't... Forget that whole side of it. We... 217 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:05,040 - No, I'm obsessed with that image. - It's our fault. 218 00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:07,720 Our picture suggests the lavatory, but it's not about that. 219 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:09,960 If you want to transfer HUGE amounts of data, 220 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:12,480 - what's the best way to do it? - Dropbox. - Dropbox, yeah. 221 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:14,400 Dropbox. You send it... KLAXON 222 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:17,920 Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. 223 00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:20,760 Do you...? By data dump, do you mean to get the data somewhere else, 224 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:22,800 - or do you mean to...? - To wipe it? - Yeah, exactly. 225 00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:25,240 - Oh sorry, the "wipe it" again, I mean... - No, not to wipe it. 226 00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:26,520 LAUGHTER 227 00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:29,040 But you always want to wipe after a data dump. 228 00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:30,280 I'll give you an example. 229 00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:32,960 Enormous data sets that come from Hubble 230 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:35,120 have to be transferred to different scientists, 231 00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:37,240 to interpret and to render the images 232 00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:39,440 and all these kind of... And they're huge data sets. 233 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:41,640 So, what do they use to send it? Do they use Ethernet? 234 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,640 Do they use...? What do they use? Fibre optics? 235 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:46,400 See, I'm regretting in our house that we divvy up all the duties. 236 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:49,320 You see, if you were to ask me about what factor sun cream 237 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:52,840 to pack for my kids' holidays, it's kind of one of my things. 238 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:54,480 Technology is my husband's. 239 00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:56,640 Would your husband do the data dump? 240 00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:59,000 Yeah, and light bulbs. 241 00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:04,280 But he gives more to the family than that, do you know what I mean? 242 00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:06,040 Do they just print it off? 243 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,960 - No, that's... - Do they put it in the Cloud? - They don't put it... 244 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,720 They run to a phone booth. They do all that, like in the old films. 245 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:14,280 "I've got all the data. OK, have you got a pen? Listen." 246 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:15,480 LAUGHTER 247 00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:18,560 "OK, first thing - a star, then a space, then another star..." 248 00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:20,800 - LAUGHTER - ..and do that for some time. 249 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:23,160 What they do is they post it... 250 00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:25,000 in the mail, the ordinary mail. 251 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:28,400 - It's quicker. - Bradley Wiggins delivers it. - It's quicker. 252 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:30,520 It takes less than 24 hours for each transfer 253 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:32,040 if you take it by mail. 254 00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:34,240 Whereas, to transfer the complete data set, 255 00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:35,720 which is 120 terabytes, 256 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:38,080 it would take 111 days... 257 00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:40,200 - if you did it by the internet. - To send? 258 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,600 - You know, by e-mail. - Yeah. 259 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:42,920 That is surprising, isn't it? 260 00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:44,760 And we've done some calculations. 261 00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:47,360 FedEx or UPS, or any of those, 262 00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:49,560 could deliver massive amounts of information 263 00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:51,920 64 times faster than the internet. 264 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:54,280 Based on the weight of packages which ship every day... 265 00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:55,560 They're going to love you! 266 00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:58,360 - I hope you're getting money from them for this! - No, it's just... 267 00:11:58,360 --> 00:11:59,640 I didn't... Oh, from FedEx. 268 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:02,640 It all ends up on an island with Tom Hanks... 269 00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:04,600 "Faster than the internet." - Stephen Fry. 270 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:06,200 ..for three years. 271 00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:08,840 Based on the weight of packages and the weight of memory cards, 272 00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:13,280 they could transport 2,222 terabytes per second. 273 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:16,000 Now that... The whole internet, in 2016, 274 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:18,920 is expected to be 34.5 terabytes a second. 275 00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:20,680 What's a terabyte, Stephen? 276 00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:22,920 - Well, you've got a byte... - Yes. - A byte. 277 00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:24,240 ..a kilobyte... 278 00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:25,560 And then the terror-byte! 279 00:12:25,560 --> 00:12:28,200 - ..a megabyte... - Megabyte. - Yeah. Megabyte I can do, yeah. 280 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,960 - Yeah, a megabyte. ..and then a gigabyte... - Yeah. 281 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,240 ..and a terabyte... 282 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:36,200 ..and then you have a petabyte, even bigger than that. Petabyte. 283 00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:37,920 But the expansion of memory, 284 00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:41,520 the expansion of processing power in computing is bewildering - 285 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:44,280 partly because it doubles every two years, 286 00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:46,320 and do you know what that is called? 287 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:48,560 It was predicted in the '60s that it would double. 288 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:51,640 - A gobble, a gobble, a double gobble. - No, there was a man who predicted... 289 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,800 - Oh, right. - ..that it would double every two years. 290 00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:56,520 His name was Gordon Moore and it's called Moore's Law, 291 00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:58,080 - and Moore's Law... - Oh, that's good. 292 00:12:58,080 --> 00:12:59,800 - That worked out well, didn't it? - Yeah. 293 00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:02,720 Moore's Law has governed the astonishing rise in power 294 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:05,320 and capacity in computing ever since. 295 00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:08,040 For a long, long time. It doubles and doubles and doubles. 296 00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:10,960 To give you an example of how breathtaking and bewildering it is, 297 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:13,400 we've got some memory capacity here. 298 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,200 Here... This is from the '60s 299 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:18,200 and it's rather elegant in its own little way. 300 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:21,440 And it would have fitted into some sort of great, big cabinet 301 00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:23,280 that was part of a computing system. 302 00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,360 It's called the Univac 1004. 303 00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:28,880 And it's a core store memory module. 304 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:31,680 And how much memory do you think that contains? 305 00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:33,080 A byte. 306 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:35,160 No, it's a lot more than that. 307 00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:36,680 - A gigabyte. - A gigabyte. 308 00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:38,400 Oh, no, it's nothing like as big as that. 309 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:39,600 LAUGHTER 310 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:42,000 - It's one kilobyte. - A kilobyte?! - Yeah. 311 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,720 - There's a kilobyte, too. - What's a kilobyte? - I don't remember. 312 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:46,520 1,000 bytes. 313 00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:48,480 And look. I've got here, this - 314 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:50,400 which is 128 gigabytes. 315 00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:52,720 Can you see it? I'll put it there, it's a little... 316 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:55,680 micro SD chip. 317 00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:58,600 And this, here, 318 00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:04,440 would have to weigh 140,229 metric tonnes... 319 00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:06,760 to carry this much information. LAUGHTER 320 00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:09,120 - In 1963. - Yeah. - That is hugely impractical. 321 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:10,600 It's... Exactly. 322 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,800 Just under six-and-a-half Ark Royal aircraft carriers... 323 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:15,680 - I'd need an extension done. - LAUGHTER 324 00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:17,120 ..if this was what you were using. 325 00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:19,440 And it just shows, this is an example of Moore's Law - 326 00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:20,960 you go from that to that. 327 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:22,840 Or maybe this. 328 00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:24,160 Ah! There we are. 329 00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:26,720 - Look at that. Isn't that beautiful? - It is. 330 00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:28,480 It is a splendid piece of work, isn't it? 331 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:30,680 - That's the middle of C-3PO. - LAUGHTER 332 00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:34,640 It's the Elliott 803 core store memory module. 333 00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:36,600 It was made in the early '60s, also, 334 00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:38,520 - and it weighs 7kg... - Wow. 335 00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:41,400 ..and stores 20 kilobytes. 336 00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:44,440 LAUGHTER Wow! 337 00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:45,840 - Yeah. - How about that? 338 00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:47,840 - My favourite one... - Supercomputers. 339 00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:51,520 ..is the Bryant Model-2 Series hard disk platter. 340 00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:53,760 - Mine too. - Yeah. 341 00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:55,280 I love that. I've got all of them. 342 00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:57,320 I have a poster. Did you have the poster? 343 00:14:57,320 --> 00:15:00,120 - Yeah, absolutely. I was obsessed. - I love it. I was in the club. 344 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:01,480 - I had the... - GASPS AND LAUGHTER 345 00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:02,840 - There it is. - No! 346 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:04,920 THAT is a hard disk. 347 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:06,480 Isn't that good? 348 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:08,360 - It's a disk... - That's ludicrous! 349 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:10,720 HE KNOCKS ON DISK ..and it's hard. 350 00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:11,840 LAUGHTER 351 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:14,680 It's very rare for technology to double as S&M equipment, isn't it? 352 00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:17,440 LAUGHTER I think it's absolutely blissful. 353 00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:19,760 You look like a Borrower playing with a CD. 354 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:21,600 I'm going to put that down again... 355 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:24,160 Oh! ..because it's so heavy. Oh! 356 00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:26,920 It's made of magnesium alloy of some kind. 357 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:28,720 - Careful, you'll scratch it. - LAUGHTER 358 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:30,120 Yeah, I don't want to scratch it. 359 00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:32,000 It carried eight megabytes, 360 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:33,880 so that was pretty impressive. 361 00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:37,120 - What's a megabyte? - And its drive... LAUGHTER 362 00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:38,520 Can't remember. 363 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:43,240 The drive that operated the Bryant Model-2 Series hard disk platter, 364 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:46,440 the brochure boasted its short warm-up time. 365 00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:47,720 Which was? 366 00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:48,920 15 minutes. 367 00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:51,160 - LAUGHTER - Oh. 368 00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:53,680 These are wonderful, I think, of the advances certainly in 369 00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:56,120 memory management and in capacity and everything else. 370 00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:57,760 It doesn't make us any better people. 371 00:15:57,760 --> 00:16:00,680 Well, listen, I ought to say that we are extremely grateful 372 00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:05,080 to the National Museum of Computing, who lent us these fabulous items. 373 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:08,800 If you want a really great day out, and I'm completely ashamed about 374 00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:11,960 recommending it cos I'm a bit of a nerd when it comes to these things, 375 00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:13,800 then you could do a lot worse than visit 376 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:15,920 the National Museum of Computing at Bletchley - 377 00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:17,880 where, of course, Enigma was cracked 378 00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:21,320 and it's the home of British engineering in that regard. 379 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:24,840 So we deeply thank Robert Dowell and Angie Lewis. 380 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:28,640 APPLAUSE 381 00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:35,200 Alan, when will I finally be able to replace you with a machine? 382 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,960 Sooner than I would like. 383 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:41,080 Mm-hm. Yeah, that's maybe true. 384 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:45,080 There is a kind of, it's not a law, really, but when people predict 385 00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:50,640 robots that replace humans, they always say in about 15 years' time. 386 00:16:50,640 --> 00:16:57,560 That started in 1950. By 1965, they will have robots that replace us. 387 00:16:57,560 --> 00:17:01,200 1965, it will be by 1980. 388 00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:03,280 Presumably at some point that is true. 389 00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:06,000 It's presumably that at some point that prediction comes true. 390 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:07,960 - Yes, it will be. - Or possibly was. - Yeah. 391 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,880 Well, indeed cos there are plenty of things in which humans 392 00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:14,440 have been replaced by computers. Can you think of any examples? 393 00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:17,400 At the supermarket, with self service. 394 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:19,240 God, I hate those! 395 00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:21,800 I think instead of getting the self service tills 396 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:24,240 they should have got robots behind the tills 397 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:26,520 and just put them in a nice tabard... 398 00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:29,960 Even cheapest, to have the humans you already have who just go... 399 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:31,840 beep, boop, beep, beep, boop. 400 00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:33,800 Doing all the things they'd normally do. 401 00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:37,000 - Beep, boop, beep, beep. - Peter Crouch tactic. 402 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,880 Boop, boop, beep, boop. 403 00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:44,680 A friend of mine got so angry with those machines that he punched it. 404 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:46,480 I'll so end up doing that. 405 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:49,280 I'm sure that when I die and I'm in the crematorium, 406 00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:50,920 last sound I'll hear will be, 407 00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:54,080 "Unexpected item in the burning area." 408 00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:55,240 I once mooned on that, 409 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:58,680 because I kept hearing, "Unexpected item in the bagging area." 410 00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:01,960 Literally, trousers down and said, "Now there is." 411 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:04,440 - Had an absolute belly full of it. - Deal with it. Exactly. 412 00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:07,200 - Permanently. - Horrifying. Well, that is one area indeed. 413 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:09,520 And of course, planes, flying planes. 414 00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:14,480 On an average, how long do you think pilots are in control of the flight? 415 00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:17,000 Like, 10% of the time or something. 416 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:18,920 Less than that. Three minutes. 417 00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:20,440 Three minutes?! 418 00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:22,480 That is an easy job, isn't it? 419 00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:25,960 It's pretty good, isn't it? 420 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,520 You turn up to work, you work for a minute and a half and you go, 421 00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:31,000 "There we go," for ten hours. 422 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:33,920 Just the taxi into the runway, that three minutes. 423 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:36,640 - It probably is. - And after that they go... 424 00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:42,120 A couple of scientists at Oxford, Carl Frey 425 00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:45,280 and Michael Osborne, have suggested that taxi drivers, 426 00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:48,920 security guards, jobs most likely to be replaced by robots. 427 00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:52,680 50% chance that computer programming could be outsourced to machines. 428 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:55,480 Cameramen have a 60% chance. 429 00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:56,960 Oh! 430 00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:59,280 Stay where you are. Don't worry. It's fine. 431 00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:01,880 Television announcers only 10% apparently. 432 00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:04,880 Yes! 433 00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:07,840 Be a long time before comedians are replaced by machines. 434 00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:10,080 That doesn't affect anyone here. 435 00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:15,440 There are various teams around the world working on algorithms 436 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:16,520 to create jokes. 437 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:18,360 We've got two really weird ones here. 438 00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:19,960 Dreadful puns, but they're so... 439 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:22,240 Surreal isn't the word, they're just odd. 440 00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:25,800 What do you call a washing machine with a September? 441 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,240 I don't know, Stephen, 442 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:31,720 what do you call a washing machine with a September? 443 00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:33,520 Autumnpoint. I don't know. 444 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:36,120 An autumn-matic washing machine. 445 00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:41,320 - You nearly got it. - Yes, well, it's one of mine. 446 00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:44,000 I've been trying that for years in the clubs, 447 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,920 never got anything out of it. 448 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:47,680 A washing machine with a September? 449 00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:50,000 It hasn't quite got the point, has it? 450 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:54,400 - No. - Or, what kind of preschool has a wine? 451 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:55,960 Most of them. 452 00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:58,840 A playgrape. 453 00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:02,440 AUDIENCE GROANS 454 00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:04,640 So, hang on, they've taken presumably the end 455 00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:06,560 and then tried to back work the joke? 456 00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:08,920 Yeah, they take words that sound like other words a bit, 457 00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,280 so they obviously can find that automatic 458 00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:14,400 sounds like autumn, so they've got quite a good database of sounds. 459 00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:17,240 Yeah, but just no sense of humour. 460 00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:18,920 Needs work, I think. 461 00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:22,440 I would love to see one of them at a club though. 462 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:25,280 - ROBOT VOICE: - Sorry, this is all new. 463 00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:28,920 What was I going to say next? Please don't leave. 464 00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:32,160 What a funny idea. 465 00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:34,720 I think it's safe to say that artificial intelligence 466 00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:36,280 is still 15 years away. 467 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,600 Now then, for a question about mistakes, 468 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:41,160 what's the real cost of parachute jumping? 469 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:42,680 A shattered pelvis? 470 00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:43,960 It can be. 471 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,680 Why do most people jump off planes? 472 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:48,360 - For charity. - Charity. - For charity. 473 00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:49,400 Well... 474 00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:51,640 Which is good, don't get me wrong. LAUGHTER 475 00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:53,600 Can I just say, it's only in that situation, 476 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:55,880 falling out of a plane, that my hair makes sense. 477 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:57,600 LAUGHTER 478 00:20:57,600 --> 00:21:00,480 I've been looking for a context for this for years. 479 00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:02,400 - It does, doesn't it? - Now, finally. - Whoosh. 480 00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:04,960 Stephen appears quite frightened at the back there. 481 00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:06,520 - Well, I am... - Are you on fire? 482 00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:11,720 ..because I probably know about the 1999 Perth Royal Infirmary study - 483 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:13,560 which is most unfortunate. 484 00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:16,560 They looked at five years of charity jumps 485 00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:21,320 and found they resulted in injuries to 174 people, right? 486 00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:23,680 - Which cost the National Health Service... - Oh, no. 487 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:26,160 over ?600,000. 488 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:27,760 How much had they raised? 489 00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:31,280 The average amount raised per person for charity was ?30. 490 00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:33,280 So, every pound raised 491 00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:37,680 cost the NHS roughly ?13.75. 492 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:39,880 Oh, that is so depressing, though. 493 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:44,200 And, of course, about 70% of the jumps 494 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:47,200 were raising money for NHS-related causes. 495 00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:50,200 - LAUGHTER - Oh, no. That is amazing. 496 00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:51,720 It is amazing, isn't it? 497 00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:54,200 The thing is, when you think about it, don't do something 498 00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:57,040 that is likely to injure yourself, if that's your game. 499 00:21:57,040 --> 00:21:59,080 "I'm having a sponsored catch-the-measles." 500 00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:00,600 LAUGHTER 501 00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:03,360 - Sponsored... - For Measles Relief. - Yeah, for Measles relief. 502 00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:05,040 Sponsored spread cholera. 503 00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:08,240 - Bring typhus back...for charity. - LAUGHTER 504 00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:10,720 A lot of them are first-time jumpers, of course, 505 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,720 and what happens is, very often, 506 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:15,160 when the ground rushes up to meet you, 507 00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:17,560 you forget everything you've been taught 508 00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:21,080 and so all the bad things you've been told could happen, happen. 509 00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:23,040 And you need longer training, 510 00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:25,760 not necessarily on the details of how to roll and drop - 511 00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:29,040 but on how to prepare your mind so that you don't panic. 512 00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:31,920 - That's the key. - Is that a thing that they do in the paras then? 513 00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:34,920 So before they go behind enemy lines, are they there going, 514 00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:36,840 - "Hmm..."? - LAUGHTER 515 00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:40,280 "Just don't drop us yet, I'm not quite there." 516 00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:41,880 LAUGHTER Maybe. Maybe. 517 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:44,520 I mean the fact is, it's a dangerous thing to do. 518 00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:47,760 And in the days of, you know, those great commando parachute drops, 519 00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:50,200 they're unlikely to survive more than three. 520 00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:52,560 Well, but then there were people shooting at you then - 521 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:55,560 which might actually make them more fun, these charity drops. 522 00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:57,440 Certainly add a bit of spice. 523 00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:00,080 Well, there was a dog called Rob, in 1945, 524 00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:05,160 and this was in Africa and Italy, in the campaign there, and he... 525 00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:08,120 Apparently, he did 20 drops, and he won... 526 00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:09,480 For the RSPCA! 527 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:11,400 He won the... LAUGHTER 528 00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,320 - Yes, quite! - Fundraising. 529 00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:16,720 He won the Dickin Medal, which is the VC for animals. 530 00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:18,960 They just open the door of the plane, throw a bone out 531 00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:20,600 and off he goes. 532 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:22,880 But it wasn't until 2006 that it was revealed 533 00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:24,440 that his heroism was a hoax. 534 00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:26,240 - What? - Oh. - For morale? 535 00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:29,080 Well, not quite, actually. Well, sort of morale, in a way. 536 00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:31,520 It was that the couple from Shropshire, 537 00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:34,280 who had given the dog to the regiment, said, 538 00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:35,760 "Can we have him back, please?" 539 00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:38,240 And the regiment were so fond of him, 540 00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:41,080 they made-up all these things to show that he was indispensable. 541 00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:43,600 "He's a heroic dog, you will not believe what he can do." 542 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:46,200 And so they went, "Oh, all right then, you'd better keep him, 543 00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,200 "I suppose. He's valuable for the war effort." 544 00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:50,440 - But he wasn't at all, he was just a mascot. - Brilliant. 545 00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:51,480 They just liked him. 546 00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:53,760 Sending them pictures of him chewing Hitler's legs. 547 00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:55,480 LAUGHTER Yes, that's right. 548 00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:59,840 I presume that was the actual shape of his right front leg there. 549 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:03,360 And they were like, "Look what he's done on his trip, he was so brave." 550 00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:07,080 After World War II, in America, they used surplus parachutes 551 00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:10,320 to help repopulate beavers into the wild. 552 00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:12,680 The idea was they'd shove them in a box. 553 00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:15,360 They first thought, "We'll shove them in a box and they'll fall 554 00:24:15,360 --> 00:24:17,520 "and then they'll gnaw their way out of the box." 555 00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:20,160 - Then they worried... - This doesn't sound like sexy times to me. 556 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,160 Just shove them in a box. They'll pull through. 557 00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:24,240 They worried that they'd eat through the box 558 00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:27,000 - while they were still in the air. - They chucked them out of a plane? 559 00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:28,840 - Yeah. - To repopulate... - Yeah. LAUGHTER 560 00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:30,560 There are huge areas of wilderness. 561 00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:32,920 - It's incredibly hard to... - Yes, it makes total sense. 562 00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:34,360 ..give them their own territory. 563 00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:36,440 Couldn't they have driven them there, Stephen? 564 00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:38,840 - They could have driven them there. - No... Wilderness. 565 00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:41,400 Huge areas of wilderness. They're bigger than countries. 566 00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:43,800 - They're bigger than England, these... - What, beavers?! 567 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:45,600 No, the parks! The parks. LAUGHTER 568 00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:47,120 "Bring me some massive beavers!" 569 00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:49,240 - The parks in which you wished to drop them. - OK. 570 00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:51,680 And you want to sort of get them disposed evenly around. 571 00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:53,800 - Why had they been dying out? - Oh, gosh. 572 00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:56,120 - People had been throwing them out of planes. - Yeah. 573 00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:57,400 LAUGHTER 574 00:24:57,400 --> 00:24:59,920 As you fall out, you gnaw your way out of your crate and go, 575 00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:01,280 "Oh, thanks a lot!" 576 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:03,680 - "Well, this is the middle of... - HE MOUTHS - ..nowhere." 577 00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:05,000 LAUGHTER 578 00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:06,880 "I've got to go all the way back to Ottawa." 579 00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:09,320 Until another beaver lands on your head at high velocity. 580 00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:10,560 LAUGHTER 581 00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:12,160 The rest of the wildlife... 582 00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:13,880 The moose around there, 583 00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:16,000 "What is going on?!" 584 00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:17,920 Beavers coming out of the sky. 585 00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:19,800 "My God! It's actually happening!" 586 00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:21,240 "It's raining beavers." 587 00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:24,480 Part of the moose religious texts is that that's... 588 00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:25,680 LAUGHTER 589 00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:28,840 That's a sign of the rapture is when the beavers start dropping. 590 00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:30,840 Well, they had tried moving them 591 00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:33,400 into new territories for them by mule 592 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:36,560 and they just simply got too hot and they really didn't like it at all. 593 00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:39,440 - They put a beaver on horseback, essentially? - Yeah. 594 00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:41,360 Well, you've got to transport it somehow. 595 00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:43,400 - What...? How would you transport it? - Well, I... 596 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:45,200 But I don't understand why the beavers... 597 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:47,920 - I don't understand any of this. - LAUGHTER 598 00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:49,480 They thought, "We can't..." 599 00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:51,560 "OK, there's no way we can drop them into a park, 600 00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:53,280 "other than from the sky." 601 00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:56,560 Or by mule, which you found also incomprehensible. 602 00:25:56,560 --> 00:25:58,320 Is there a man with...? 603 00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:01,280 Or a lady with the beaver on horseback? 604 00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:03,000 Or is it just a beaver on horseback? 605 00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:04,440 LAUGHTER 606 00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:06,080 Of course there's a person. 607 00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:07,640 I'm confused. 608 00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:09,600 So, is it one beaver per mule? 609 00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:11,080 LAUGHTER 610 00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:13,800 Because then they're repopulating the place with mules, 611 00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:16,800 - as far as I can work it out. - LAUGHTER 612 00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:19,360 Yeah, the beavers didn't want to stay. 613 00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:22,120 The mules have forced the beavers further along... 614 00:26:22,120 --> 00:26:24,280 They were relying on the mule to find its way back. 615 00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:25,520 LAUGHTER 616 00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:28,640 More complicated than you think, this beaver transportation thing. 617 00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:32,200 Yeah, it is. Well, that was harder work than I expected. 618 00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:35,840 LAUGHTER 619 00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:41,000 In 1834, someone translated these ancient Swedish ruins. 620 00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:44,520 - What do you think they said? - Best before 1833. 621 00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:50,880 Don't try assembling the Billy bookcase from Ikea. 622 00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:53,000 Is it particularly ghastly, the Billy bookcase? 623 00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:55,520 I think they all are. I don't know. 624 00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:57,120 I can't and won't... 625 00:26:57,120 --> 00:27:00,360 Have you noticed that you never see a lorry with Ikea on the side? 626 00:27:00,360 --> 00:27:02,560 - Don't you? - And that's because they transport 627 00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:06,480 so much stuff that it would freak you out if it had Ikea on the wagon. 628 00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:09,480 It would put the brand that much into your head, like, 629 00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:12,000 "Wow, they've taken over the world. This isn't great." 630 00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:14,240 So they just do it undercover in white wagons. 631 00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:16,400 - That's really interesting. - In white wagons. 632 00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:20,280 A friend told me that on the way back from the pub, so... 633 00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:26,640 As he was saying, just behind your head an Ikea lorry was just going. 634 00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:30,040 But it's good. You never see a lorry with that. 635 00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:33,000 You know that Eddie Stobart is the Swedish for Ikea. 636 00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:36,680 Oh, I love an Eddie Stobart. 637 00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:38,760 I like how the front of Eddie Stobart lorries 638 00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:41,720 always have the name of the driver's lady love. 639 00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:46,000 I've always wanted to see just one of those guys in the Stobart livery, 640 00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:48,480 with the tie, and just "Keith". 641 00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:53,040 It would be great. 642 00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:55,880 "I love him." 643 00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:59,920 - Back to the ruins. It's in Runemo in Sweden. - So what is it? 644 00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:02,680 Well, from the 12th century it was believed to be a secret message 645 00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:04,400 written, no-one could solve it. 646 00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:07,760 The Royal Danish scientific society took a look in 1833. 647 00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:10,400 A scholar called Finnur Magnusson had a breakthrough. 648 00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:13,280 He announced that no-one else had been able to decipher them 649 00:28:13,280 --> 00:28:16,840 is that they were in Icelandic and they should be read backwards. 650 00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:21,400 And he came up with the ruin's poem telling you of a battle victory. 651 00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:26,200 And then they discovered in 2000-ish... 652 00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:28,960 - Oh, dear. I sense bad things. - Yeah. 653 00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:32,000 - Is it birds or something? - It's just cracks in the rock. 654 00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:34,920 Love it. 655 00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:38,720 He had worked on a copy someone else had made and it's just nothing. 656 00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:41,440 So he'd written some huge poem? 657 00:28:41,440 --> 00:28:45,600 That's right. It was 700 pages he wrote. 658 00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:48,200 He must have padded that out. Look at that. 659 00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:52,200 He thought it said this. Which is Runic for... 660 00:28:52,200 --> 00:28:54,240 Out of focus. 661 00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:56,400 STEPHEN READS OUT POEM 662 00:29:09,720 --> 00:29:12,440 I like that there's obviously two symbols that he just couldn't 663 00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:15,480 figure out and went, "They must be brackets." 664 00:29:15,480 --> 00:29:17,200 It's a nice thought that, isn't it? 665 00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:20,160 But what "Ole, hate" is about, I don't know. 666 00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:22,240 It's an early football chant. 667 00:29:23,960 --> 00:29:27,040 Yeah, the mysterious Runemo ruins turned out to be 668 00:29:27,040 --> 00:29:28,600 a load of old cracks. 669 00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:31,280 Now, we're off to the match and it's penalty time. 670 00:29:31,280 --> 00:29:33,720 For the best chance of success, where should you aim? 671 00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:35,000 At the ball. 672 00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:37,000 LAUGHTER 673 00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:39,280 - And then into the goal. - Wahey! 674 00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:42,040 I'm so bad at sport, my inclination would be to... 675 00:29:42,040 --> 00:29:43,360 I know where I'd hit it, 676 00:29:43,360 --> 00:29:45,680 so I would then just reverse my natural inclination. 677 00:29:45,680 --> 00:29:47,240 That would probably be the best. 678 00:29:47,240 --> 00:29:49,680 - So, a bit of game theory going on, on yourself? - Yes. 679 00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:52,160 - Yeah. - See, I'd go top right, 680 00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:54,960 which means that probably the best way would be bottom left... 681 00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:57,560 KLAXON 682 00:29:57,560 --> 00:29:59,640 Yeah, top corner either way is not the best. 683 00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:01,280 Is it "at the goalie?" 684 00:30:01,280 --> 00:30:02,440 Yes. 685 00:30:02,440 --> 00:30:05,160 - Because he's going to jump... - Yeah, because he's going to... 686 00:30:05,160 --> 00:30:07,680 - He's going to go. - Because the goalkeeper nearly always 687 00:30:07,680 --> 00:30:10,520 - goes one way or the other. - So you hit it straight down the middle? 688 00:30:10,520 --> 00:30:12,440 Straight down the middle is, far and away, 689 00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:15,000 the most statistical likely way of doing it. 690 00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:18,280 But it's odd, because footballers know this... 691 00:30:18,280 --> 00:30:21,400 because it's been, you know, obviously well gone over... 692 00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:23,440 and yet footballers don't. 693 00:30:23,440 --> 00:30:25,800 Is it because they just think they'd look so stupid 694 00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:28,040 - if they kicked it right at the keeper... - Yes! 695 00:30:28,040 --> 00:30:29,440 ..and the keeper just caught it? 696 00:30:29,440 --> 00:30:31,720 If the one or two times out of 100, 697 00:30:31,720 --> 00:30:34,000 the goalkeeper does actually stay in the middle 698 00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:35,440 and the ball goes and hits him, 699 00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:37,400 the crowd would just boo their heads off 700 00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:40,200 and think that the penalty taker is the biggest idiot in the world. 701 00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:42,960 Although, statistically, he was doing exactly the right thing. 702 00:30:42,960 --> 00:30:45,600 So, they'd rather not look a fool. You're absolutely right. 703 00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:47,000 Because it's seen as 50/50. 704 00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:49,040 If the goalie goes the correct way and saves it, 705 00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:51,280 - it's still seen as all right, isn't it? - Yes. 706 00:30:51,280 --> 00:30:54,040 In fact, it's 57% in one direction, 707 00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:56,480 41% in the other. 708 00:30:56,480 --> 00:30:58,880 - Do you know which that might be? - Left. Left-right. - Left? 709 00:30:58,880 --> 00:31:01,080 - It's 57% left, yes. - Because you... 710 00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:03,120 - They go left more often. - ..use your right foot. 711 00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:04,640 And 2% in the middle. 712 00:31:04,640 --> 00:31:06,560 Three countries have an absolute 713 00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:09,320 0% success record in penalty shoot-outs. 714 00:31:09,320 --> 00:31:11,120 They played two and lost two. 715 00:31:11,120 --> 00:31:13,560 - San Marino? - No, it's Gabon... 716 00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:16,400 - Micronesia. - ..Romania and Chile. 717 00:31:16,400 --> 00:31:20,040 But there's one country that's taken part in more than two 718 00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:23,240 and has the worst record of all in the world, apart from those three... 719 00:31:23,240 --> 00:31:26,240 - Is it England? - ..and it's England. - Yeah. 720 00:31:26,240 --> 00:31:28,760 - AUDIENCE GROANS - Why is that? - What a surprise(!) 721 00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:30,440 We've only ever won one. 722 00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:32,320 We've won one out of eight. 723 00:31:32,320 --> 00:31:37,560 12.5% success rate - as opposed to Germany, who've won 83% of theirs. 724 00:31:37,560 --> 00:31:38,840 Why is that then? 725 00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:41,160 Because, presumably, all teams have access to that 726 00:31:41,160 --> 00:31:42,880 very simple statistical information. 727 00:31:42,880 --> 00:31:45,240 Is it just the fact that it's now embedded in the psyche? 728 00:31:45,240 --> 00:31:47,880 - FAUX GERMAN ACCENT: - "You are weak, mentally weak." 729 00:31:47,880 --> 00:31:49,320 LAUGHTER 730 00:31:49,320 --> 00:31:51,880 - Do you think hypnotism would help? - Probably. 731 00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:54,720 - Of the keeper. - Of the keeper, yeah. - LAUGHTER 732 00:31:54,720 --> 00:31:56,640 - Of the keeper, like... - LAUGHTER 733 00:31:56,640 --> 00:32:00,880 I think if it was me, I'd stand by one post, feigning indifference... 734 00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:03,360 - Having a fag. - ..and, as they run up to take it, 735 00:32:03,360 --> 00:32:05,720 - I would sprint to the other post... - LAUGHTER 736 00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:07,120 ..surely distracting him 737 00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:09,720 and, if he did go that way, it would hit me on the way past. 738 00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:11,040 LAUGHTER 739 00:32:11,040 --> 00:32:13,880 That would do it. Yep, that's the plain truth. 740 00:32:13,880 --> 00:32:16,160 To be successful in penalty shoot-outs, 741 00:32:16,160 --> 00:32:19,280 either go straight down the middle or be German. 742 00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:20,360 LAUGHTER 743 00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:23,120 Do an impression of the world's first mime. 744 00:32:23,120 --> 00:32:26,560 "Come back! I'm not supposed to be saying anything. Come back!" 745 00:32:26,560 --> 00:32:29,800 - Is it the one where you do...? - Oh. 746 00:32:29,800 --> 00:32:31,680 They do the... Is it that one? 747 00:32:31,680 --> 00:32:35,680 KLAXON Oh, they're all doing it. 748 00:32:35,680 --> 00:32:37,360 You're all doing activities. 749 00:32:37,360 --> 00:32:40,760 Where does the word "mime" come from, do you imagine? 750 00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:44,000 - "Twat in white gloves?" - Mimic? - LAUGHTER 751 00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:46,600 Mimic, the same root as the word mimic. 752 00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:48,120 You see... 753 00:32:48,120 --> 00:32:49,520 - Mimesis. - Yeah. 754 00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:52,560 - Greek word meaning... Yes, imitation. - Imitation, yeah. 755 00:32:52,560 --> 00:32:56,480 But imitation doesn't stick to physical movements, does it? 756 00:32:56,480 --> 00:33:00,280 No. So was it more like sort of Rorius Bremnerus? 757 00:33:00,280 --> 00:33:02,040 It was acting, 758 00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:03,640 it was full-on acting. 759 00:33:03,640 --> 00:33:06,320 Speech and movement and everything else. 760 00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:09,640 The world's first mime was a fellow called Sophron, 761 00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:11,840 who was much admired by Plato, amongst others. 762 00:33:11,840 --> 00:33:14,000 His audience don't seem to like him very much. 763 00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:15,360 Well, no, that's... LAUGHTER 764 00:33:15,360 --> 00:33:17,160 - They're punching him. - No, I think... 765 00:33:17,160 --> 00:33:19,160 They're recreating that night after Top Gear. 766 00:33:19,160 --> 00:33:22,320 LAUGHTER 767 00:33:22,320 --> 00:33:25,680 Very good. APPLAUSE 768 00:33:25,680 --> 00:33:28,200 In Rome, mimes were pretty amazing. 769 00:33:28,200 --> 00:33:30,720 Women took the female parts, which is just... 770 00:33:30,720 --> 00:33:32,240 - Scandalous! - Yeah. 771 00:33:32,240 --> 00:33:33,520 LAUGHTER 772 00:33:33,520 --> 00:33:37,000 Performers did not wear masks or formal acting shoes. 773 00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:38,720 LAUGHTER 774 00:33:38,720 --> 00:33:40,040 Oh! Forfend! 775 00:33:40,040 --> 00:33:41,440 "My formal acting shoes." 776 00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:44,040 "What kind of formal acting shoes would you wear?" 777 00:33:44,040 --> 00:33:46,440 The object... Now you'll like this, Alan. 778 00:33:46,440 --> 00:33:48,800 The object was to get laughs, no matter how obscene... 779 00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:50,760 LAUGHTER ..the jokes had to be. 780 00:33:50,760 --> 00:33:54,080 They all had a character called the "stupidus," or fool, who was some... 781 00:33:54,080 --> 00:33:57,800 - Who's actually the cleverest one of them all. - Yes. Now, exactly. 782 00:33:57,800 --> 00:33:59,160 LAUGHTER 783 00:33:59,160 --> 00:34:01,320 Sometimes they featured adultery live on stage. 784 00:34:01,320 --> 00:34:03,280 Wahey! 785 00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:06,120 - Or a little bit less, less... - Gets better by the minute! 786 00:34:06,120 --> 00:34:07,280 Less amusingly, 787 00:34:07,280 --> 00:34:11,400 live executions with actors replaced by condemned criminals. 788 00:34:11,400 --> 00:34:14,480 - Were they wearing the right shoes? - Yes. 789 00:34:14,480 --> 00:34:17,880 The church excommunicated all mimes in the fifth century AD. 790 00:34:17,880 --> 00:34:19,960 Not a moment too soon. 791 00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:23,640 - Why? - I guess, because they were pleasurable and... 792 00:34:23,640 --> 00:34:25,400 It's not why, it's... 793 00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:28,880 - It's hard because you can't scream. - LAUGHTER 794 00:34:28,880 --> 00:34:32,480 Marcel Marceau of course is the famous French mime 795 00:34:32,480 --> 00:34:34,840 with his character Bip. Bip on the left. 796 00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:37,320 And he's hardly recognisable as a man himself. 797 00:34:37,320 --> 00:34:40,720 - Has he been excommunicated? - I don't think he has. 798 00:34:40,720 --> 00:34:43,080 He did a sketch called walking in the wind, 799 00:34:43,080 --> 00:34:45,280 and do you know who was influenced by that? 800 00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:47,600 The people of East Anglia. 801 00:34:47,600 --> 00:34:49,640 Charlie Chaplin. The people of East Anglia. 802 00:34:49,640 --> 00:34:52,080 No, not Charlie Chaplin. It's Michael Jackson. 803 00:34:52,080 --> 00:34:55,120 Moonwalking was essentially derived from Marcel Marceau. 804 00:34:55,120 --> 00:34:57,160 Is that where the white glove comes from? 805 00:34:57,160 --> 00:34:59,760 - Like an homage to... - Maybe, yes. 806 00:34:59,760 --> 00:35:01,480 And the scary white face. 807 00:35:01,480 --> 00:35:04,800 LAUGHTER 808 00:35:07,760 --> 00:35:09,520 Very good. 809 00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:11,920 The first mimes had plenty to say for themselves. 810 00:35:11,920 --> 00:35:15,320 If you want something, what's the magic word? 811 00:35:15,320 --> 00:35:17,080 "Darling..." 812 00:35:17,080 --> 00:35:19,120 LAUGHTER 813 00:35:19,120 --> 00:35:21,080 "Please." 814 00:35:21,080 --> 00:35:23,160 KLAXON 815 00:35:23,160 --> 00:35:25,360 LAUGHTER 816 00:35:25,360 --> 00:35:28,400 This is something that's been researched. 817 00:35:28,400 --> 00:35:29,840 There is a particular word. 818 00:35:29,840 --> 00:35:32,000 Let's suppose that you queue-barge. 819 00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:37,040 Now, in general, if you queue-barge apologetically and charmingly, 820 00:35:37,040 --> 00:35:40,040 60% of people will let you in without too much complaint - 821 00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:42,800 this was done for a queue to a photocopier - 822 00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:45,800 but if you used this one word in your sentence, 823 00:35:45,800 --> 00:35:48,600 you would get 95% of people letting you in quite happily. 824 00:35:48,600 --> 00:35:51,760 - Smallpox? - LAUGHTER 825 00:35:51,760 --> 00:35:54,600 - Letting you in... - "I've got the smallpox. Can I get in?" 826 00:35:54,600 --> 00:35:56,840 Letting you in, not abandoning the queue. 827 00:35:56,840 --> 00:35:59,360 - It's a good thought though. - It's probably better though. 828 00:35:59,360 --> 00:36:01,120 - "Unclean, unclean." - What do you say? 829 00:36:01,120 --> 00:36:03,920 Do you say, "Room for a small one?" 830 00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:06,040 You say, "I like your blouse. Can I come in?" 831 00:36:06,040 --> 00:36:08,480 LAUGHTER It's one word. 832 00:36:08,480 --> 00:36:10,520 "Because. 833 00:36:10,520 --> 00:36:13,680 "Because. Yeah, because I've got some photocopying to do." 834 00:36:13,680 --> 00:36:16,040 And it's obvious you've got photocopying to do, 835 00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:18,280 you've gone to the front of the photocopying queue, 836 00:36:18,280 --> 00:36:20,720 - but just saying "because" is the magic word. - You can't... 837 00:36:20,720 --> 00:36:23,160 It unlocks people's objection. "Because I'm in a hurry." 838 00:36:23,160 --> 00:36:24,760 "Do you mind? Because I'm in a hurry." 839 00:36:24,760 --> 00:36:27,040 Can you turn to someone and go, "Because!" 840 00:36:27,040 --> 00:36:28,800 LAUGHTER Maybe. 841 00:36:28,800 --> 00:36:30,960 # Because, because, because, because... # 842 00:36:30,960 --> 00:36:32,920 Obviously there are... 843 00:36:32,920 --> 00:36:35,480 There are variables in terms of attitude and niceness. 844 00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:37,520 # I'm off to see the wizard... # 845 00:36:37,520 --> 00:36:38,720 "Because!" 846 00:36:38,720 --> 00:36:40,960 "All right, go in front, Christ!" 847 00:36:40,960 --> 00:36:42,280 LAUGHTER 848 00:36:42,280 --> 00:36:46,040 - He's going to do the whole musical. - You're ever so silly. Oh, dear. 849 00:36:46,040 --> 00:36:49,840 # The wonderful Wizard of Oz... # "All right, go in front of me!" 850 00:36:49,840 --> 00:36:52,080 Well, I can illustrate the answer, actually, 851 00:36:52,080 --> 00:36:54,320 because - say it's a magical word here, this is... 852 00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:56,760 - You know I like to do little magical moments... - I know. 853 00:36:56,760 --> 00:36:58,240 ..because it's the M series here - 854 00:36:58,240 --> 00:37:00,320 and we've got, as you can see, MAGICAL. 855 00:37:00,320 --> 00:37:03,640 So, what we do is, we take all the letters from MAGICAL... 856 00:37:03,640 --> 00:37:05,080 As you can see, I hope. 857 00:37:05,080 --> 00:37:06,680 ..and we shuffle them about. 858 00:37:06,680 --> 00:37:08,960 - I'll have one from the bottom, please. - Well... 859 00:37:08,960 --> 00:37:11,080 Or from anywhere else, please, Carol. 860 00:37:11,080 --> 00:37:13,600 What I'll do is, I'll give you... I'll give you the numbers, 861 00:37:13,600 --> 00:37:16,560 so you can call out where you want the letter to go. 862 00:37:16,560 --> 00:37:18,000 - Do you see? - OK. Yes, sir. 863 00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:21,120 So I'll pick a letter up and you decide where it goes, all right. 864 00:37:21,120 --> 00:37:22,600 - Three. - Three? 865 00:37:22,600 --> 00:37:25,440 One, two, three, isn't it? There. Yeah. 866 00:37:25,440 --> 00:37:26,840 - Smooth. - Seven. 867 00:37:26,840 --> 00:37:29,080 Seven? All right. This will go in seven. 868 00:37:29,080 --> 00:37:32,000 - Are you sure seven? - Five. - All right, OK. - Five. 869 00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:33,680 One, two, three, four, five. Yeah. 870 00:37:33,680 --> 00:37:35,040 - One. - One, oh... 871 00:37:35,040 --> 00:37:37,720 - This is what happens when you do these things. - Four. 872 00:37:37,720 --> 00:37:41,000 Four? Oh, God, you had to do that, didn't you? 873 00:37:41,000 --> 00:37:42,440 - Yeah? - Two. - Two. 874 00:37:42,440 --> 00:37:44,400 Two? All right, all right, all right. 875 00:37:44,400 --> 00:37:46,560 And what are the chances? What are the chances? 876 00:37:46,560 --> 00:37:49,000 What are the chances?! 877 00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:54,400 APPLAUSE 878 00:37:55,960 --> 00:37:58,880 The laws of physics absolutely defied on this programme. 879 00:37:58,880 --> 00:38:00,800 It's frightening. LAUGHTER 880 00:38:00,800 --> 00:38:03,360 Now - since this whole show has been about Misconceptions - 881 00:38:03,360 --> 00:38:05,720 this week, we've replaced General Ignorance 882 00:38:05,720 --> 00:38:09,280 with a test of your M-themed general knowledge. 883 00:38:09,280 --> 00:38:12,320 There are lots and lots of points to be won in this quickfire round, 884 00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:13,760 so fingers on buzzers. 885 00:38:13,760 --> 00:38:16,000 What's the capital of Mexico? BUZZARD 886 00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:17,800 Mexico City. 887 00:38:17,800 --> 00:38:20,840 Is the right answer. Very good. Name the deepest part of the ocean? 888 00:38:20,840 --> 00:38:22,720 - BUZZARD Yes? - The Mariana... 889 00:38:22,720 --> 00:38:24,080 Marianas Trench or something? 890 00:38:24,080 --> 00:38:26,160 The Mariana Trench is the right answer. 891 00:38:26,160 --> 00:38:28,000 If something is genuine, it's the real...? 892 00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:29,520 - BUZZER - McCoy. 893 00:38:29,520 --> 00:38:32,000 Oh. KLAXON 894 00:38:32,000 --> 00:38:33,440 LAUGHTER 895 00:38:33,440 --> 00:38:35,520 No, the original phrase is McKay. 896 00:38:35,520 --> 00:38:38,440 That's 42 years older than the phrase - "the real McCoy." 897 00:38:38,440 --> 00:38:41,880 It's from G McKay, the Scottish distillers. 898 00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:43,200 There you are. 899 00:38:43,200 --> 00:38:45,680 FAUX SCOTTISH ACCENT: "A drappie o' the real McKay." 900 00:38:45,680 --> 00:38:48,640 So, what city can be found on the Moscow River? 901 00:38:48,640 --> 00:38:50,360 - BUZZER Yes? - Moscow. 902 00:38:50,360 --> 00:38:52,240 Is the right answer! 903 00:38:52,240 --> 00:38:54,120 What's the name of Cameron Mackintosh's 904 00:38:54,120 --> 00:38:55,960 Abba-themed London Musical? 905 00:38:55,960 --> 00:38:57,960 - BUZZARD Yes? - Mamma Mia. 906 00:38:57,960 --> 00:39:00,160 BUZZER Mamma Mia? Oh, Alan! 907 00:39:00,160 --> 00:39:02,320 KLAXON 908 00:39:02,320 --> 00:39:04,800 No, indeed. BUZZER 909 00:39:04,800 --> 00:39:06,800 Mamma Mia was produced by Judy Craymer - 910 00:39:06,800 --> 00:39:09,720 but, before that, a musical called Abbacadabra, 911 00:39:09,720 --> 00:39:11,360 produced by Cameron Mackintosh, 912 00:39:11,360 --> 00:39:15,600 - staged at the Lyric, Hammersmith, in 1983. - Oh! - Yeah. 913 00:39:15,600 --> 00:39:17,320 So, who created Miss Marple? 914 00:39:17,320 --> 00:39:19,360 BUZZER Yes? 915 00:39:19,360 --> 00:39:20,600 Agatha Christie. 916 00:39:20,600 --> 00:39:23,480 - Of course. You see, nothing to be frightened of. - I'm scared now. 917 00:39:23,480 --> 00:39:25,280 LAUGHTER That's the point... 918 00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:27,440 - I'm really scared. - ..we want you scared. 919 00:39:27,440 --> 00:39:29,960 Agatha Christie, of course, created Miss Marple. 920 00:39:29,960 --> 00:39:32,120 What's the gambling capital of the world? 921 00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:34,720 - BUZZER Yes? - Las Vegas. 922 00:39:34,720 --> 00:39:37,560 Oh! KLAXON 923 00:39:37,560 --> 00:39:40,400 - Oh, that was really unlucky. - I don't know. 924 00:39:40,400 --> 00:39:42,800 - Is it Croydon? - Dubai? - "Croydon." LAUGHTER 925 00:39:42,800 --> 00:39:44,800 It's seven times bigger than Las Vegas. 926 00:39:44,800 --> 00:39:47,120 - BUZZER - It's Hong Kong. 927 00:39:47,120 --> 00:39:49,000 - No. You're in the right area. - The other one. 928 00:39:49,000 --> 00:39:50,800 - What's our themed letter? - M. M... 929 00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:52,800 - AUDIENCE CALL OUT: - Macau. 930 00:39:52,800 --> 00:39:55,160 Audience gets the points. BUZZER 931 00:39:55,160 --> 00:39:56,320 APPLAUSE 932 00:39:56,320 --> 00:39:59,000 - I guessed on your behalf. - It's Macau. - Macau. - Is it really? 933 00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:01,720 - Yes. - Where's your sheep, though? Hey! 934 00:40:01,720 --> 00:40:04,560 - It's Ma-cow. - Here's me cow. 935 00:40:04,560 --> 00:40:06,320 LAUGHTER 936 00:40:06,320 --> 00:40:08,960 - Very, very, very, very... - Me cow. 937 00:40:08,960 --> 00:40:10,720 ..very amusing! 938 00:40:10,720 --> 00:40:12,960 LAUGHTER 939 00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:15,280 Macau is the gambling capital of the world. 940 00:40:15,280 --> 00:40:16,840 Where's your cow? 941 00:40:16,840 --> 00:40:18,640 Which planet is closest to the sun? 942 00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:21,080 - BUZZER - Mercury. 943 00:40:21,080 --> 00:40:23,080 Is of course the right answer. 944 00:40:23,080 --> 00:40:26,480 How long do mayflies live for? BUZZER 945 00:40:26,480 --> 00:40:28,320 17 hours. 946 00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:30,480 Oh, no. BUZZER 947 00:40:30,480 --> 00:40:32,760 That's a good answer. You didn't say a day. 948 00:40:32,760 --> 00:40:34,480 No, it's not a day and it's not... 949 00:40:34,480 --> 00:40:36,400 - BUZZER - Ages. 950 00:40:36,400 --> 00:40:37,960 Ages is the right answer. 951 00:40:37,960 --> 00:40:40,200 - No, up to four years. - Four years?! 952 00:40:40,200 --> 00:40:42,640 - This is nonsense. - Not in that form. 953 00:40:42,640 --> 00:40:44,560 But from the larva all the way through. 954 00:40:44,560 --> 00:40:46,440 They have a long, long lifespan. 955 00:40:46,440 --> 00:40:49,680 So they're in their adult form for 17... 956 00:40:49,680 --> 00:40:52,760 - Yes, for a day. - A day and they're kids for... 957 00:40:52,760 --> 00:40:55,120 As juveniles, they have a long, long time. 958 00:40:55,120 --> 00:40:56,720 That's double a hamster. 959 00:40:56,720 --> 00:40:59,240 I'm going to get those beauties for my kids. 960 00:41:00,240 --> 00:41:02,960 "Oh, lovely mayfly." 961 00:41:02,960 --> 00:41:05,720 Your last chance for lots of points is a picture round. 962 00:41:05,720 --> 00:41:09,800 Please draw a picture of a juvenile fruit fly brain. 963 00:41:12,200 --> 00:41:14,440 A juvenile fruit fly brain? 964 00:41:14,440 --> 00:41:15,960 Yes, indeed. 965 00:41:15,960 --> 00:41:17,400 All right. 966 00:41:17,400 --> 00:41:19,160 I'll wager... 967 00:41:19,160 --> 00:41:21,200 that it doesn't have one. 968 00:41:21,200 --> 00:41:24,000 LAUGHTER 969 00:41:24,000 --> 00:41:25,560 I'm going to do it... 970 00:41:25,560 --> 00:41:26,880 So, we've already got... 971 00:41:26,880 --> 00:41:30,040 We've got there, from Chris's juvenile fruit fly brain 972 00:41:30,040 --> 00:41:32,920 - to scale. - I've done a banana. What have you drawn? 973 00:41:32,920 --> 00:41:34,240 You've got a strawberry. 974 00:41:34,240 --> 00:41:36,240 Well, the shattering news for you, Alan - 975 00:41:36,240 --> 00:41:37,840 and it really is disappointing - 976 00:41:37,840 --> 00:41:40,440 is that, for once, what you usually draw could have worked. 977 00:41:40,440 --> 00:41:43,160 - What, it's like... - It's a cock and balls! - ..a cock and balls? 978 00:41:43,160 --> 00:41:45,160 - No! - Yes! LAUGHTER 979 00:41:45,160 --> 00:41:46,560 There they are. 980 00:41:47,640 --> 00:41:49,400 WHISTLING 981 00:41:49,400 --> 00:41:51,000 You see, the one time you didn't. 982 00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:54,200 The one time you behaved. Oh, you did? 983 00:41:54,200 --> 00:41:56,120 - Before the show. - Before the show. 984 00:41:56,120 --> 00:41:57,480 Before the show? I see. 985 00:41:57,480 --> 00:42:00,240 We got the cock and balls out of our system before the show. 986 00:42:00,240 --> 00:42:02,320 - LAUGHTER - We got that out of the way. 987 00:42:02,320 --> 00:42:04,800 First thing you do when you arrive. Do the cock and balls. 988 00:42:04,800 --> 00:42:07,320 Do the cock and balls, then you won't make a fool of yourself 989 00:42:07,320 --> 00:42:09,400 by drawing a cock and balls on the programme. 990 00:42:09,400 --> 00:42:11,520 Well, on that cock-shell, let's take a look at... 991 00:42:11,520 --> 00:42:12,880 LAUGHTER 992 00:42:12,880 --> 00:42:14,480 Let's take a look at the scores. 993 00:42:14,480 --> 00:42:17,320 It's pretty exciting, because we have a clear winner, 994 00:42:17,320 --> 00:42:19,000 on a staggering... 995 00:42:19,000 --> 00:42:20,880 plus - and minus - zero, 996 00:42:20,880 --> 00:42:24,200 is Chris Addison. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 997 00:42:24,200 --> 00:42:25,880 How? 998 00:42:25,880 --> 00:42:28,040 In second place... 999 00:42:28,040 --> 00:42:30,720 with a highly impressive minus six, 1000 00:42:30,720 --> 00:42:35,400 Sue Perkins. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1001 00:42:35,400 --> 00:42:38,400 Usually this would be good enough to win the wooden spoon, Sara, 1002 00:42:38,400 --> 00:42:42,120 it's a brilliant first appearance to get minus 13... 1003 00:42:42,120 --> 00:42:44,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1004 00:42:44,520 --> 00:42:48,680 ..but it takes an old hand to do really, really badly at this game, 1005 00:42:48,680 --> 00:42:51,840 - Alan Davies on minus 54! - 54?! 1006 00:42:51,840 --> 00:42:54,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1007 00:42:58,040 --> 00:43:01,520 So it's thank you from Sara, Chris, Sue, Alan and me. 1008 00:43:01,520 --> 00:43:04,080 And I leave you with this from Charlie Brown. 1009 00:43:04,080 --> 00:43:08,920 "Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' 1010 00:43:08,920 --> 00:43:10,880 "Then a voice says to me, 1011 00:43:10,880 --> 00:43:13,840 " 'This is going to take more than one night.' " 1012 00:43:13,840 --> 00:43:16,200 LAUGHTER Goodnight. 1013 00:43:16,200 --> 00:43:18,800 APPLAUSE