1 00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:29,480 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:38,160 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to QI, 3 00:00:38,160 --> 00:00:40,800 where this week the name of the game is Naming Names. 4 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:42,960 There's an old Chinese proverb that says, 5 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:46,600 "The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names." 6 00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:49,840 So let's get off on the right foot by naming my guests. 7 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:52,880 A household name - Romesh Ranganathan. 8 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:55,080 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 9 00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:01,200 A rose by any other name - Cariad Lloyd. 10 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:03,520 - Ahh! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:09,480 A name to conjure with - Phill Jupitus. 12 00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:11,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 13 00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:16,880 And old what's-his-name - 14 00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:18,080 Alan Davies! 15 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 16 00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:28,520 So, this week, their buzzers are their porn names, OK? 17 00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:30,760 So that's... If you've not played that game, 18 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:34,080 it's the first pet's name and mother's maiden name. 19 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:35,640 So Phill goes... 20 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:37,160 BASS RIFF 21 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:40,280 - GRAVELLY MALE VOICE: - 'Hi, it's Schroeder Swan.' 22 00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:46,200 That's quite sexy. Very sexy. 23 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:47,960 I don't know how much you paid that bloke, 24 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,880 but I'd have done that for nothing. 25 00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:53,240 - And more convincingly. - Well... - That sounded like you found 26 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:56,160 an asthmatic tramp on the South Bank out there. 27 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:58,480 - What was the name? - Schroeder Swan. 28 00:01:58,480 --> 00:01:59,760 Oh, yes. No, that's very good. 29 00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:02,720 Schroeder, Schroeder was a spiteful pub dog. 30 00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:04,160 Right. 31 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:06,200 He used to attack Jock, our barman. 32 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:09,200 You had your own barman? I don't want to know. 33 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:11,080 We haven't started the show yet. 34 00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:12,600 Cariad goes... 35 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:13,880 BASS RIFF 36 00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:16,800 - SULTRY FEMALE VOICE: - 'Hello. I'm Snuffy. 37 00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:18,200 'Snuffy Storey.' 38 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:24,320 - And... - It does, though, mean you can now... 39 00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:26,600 You can access my bank account, I think. 40 00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:31,920 - That is a very, very specific kind of porn right there. - Mm-hm. Yeah. 41 00:02:31,920 --> 00:02:33,720 Romesh goes... 42 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,360 BASS RIFF 43 00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:38,800 - REEDY VOICE: - 'Oh, hello. It's Goldie Silveragi.' 44 00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:44,080 - CARIAD: - Why didn't you get a sexy voice? 45 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:46,160 - Why've - I - been given that one? 46 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:48,280 It's quite camp. 47 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:49,720 And Alan goes... 48 00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:52,240 MUSIC: You're the First, the Last, My Everything by Barry White 49 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:54,880 - NORTHERN VOICE: - 'Ey up, it's Nobby Stiles!' 50 00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:56,840 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 51 00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:05,600 I have to say, Nobby Stiles is a very good porn name, isn't it? 52 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:11,480 - It suggests a certain... - It's very farming-specific, isn't it? 53 00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:14,160 I'm not really good with my hands but... "Nobby" Stiles! 54 00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:20,440 Now, here's my first, very simple question. 55 00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:22,200 Who is offended by what? 56 00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:25,440 Oh, God, everybody by everything. 57 00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:27,000 Yes, well, there is that. 58 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:31,520 Anybody who reads a tweet and doesn't understand it immediately 59 00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:33,200 - is offended by it. - Yeah. 60 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:35,880 - Do you tweet? - I do tweet. Yeah, I do. - Right. 61 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:40,120 But I'm often scared to tweet about anything that's, you know... 62 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:42,000 - controversial. - What do you do? 63 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:43,920 Just the colour beige, or...? 64 00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:47,600 No, just like Emojis and, like, GIFs of Japanese girls 65 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:49,840 - cutting hairs with crab hands. - Right. 66 00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:52,040 - ROMESH: - Well, that's... 67 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:55,680 The problem is with Twitter, even if you choose something, like, 68 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:59,160 that you think is really innocent and can't be offensive, it can be. 69 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:01,240 You tweet about porridge and somebody goes, 70 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:04,160 "Well, actually, I had a porridge-related incident 71 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:06,440 "many years ago and actually I find it highly offensive. 72 00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:09,080 "I can't believe you'd even not bother to consider the feelings 73 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:11,280 "of people that had Ready Brek-related incidents 74 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:12,680 "in their childhood." 75 00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:15,960 - Is that, then, @ThreeBears? Is that the sort of...? - Yeah. 76 00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:21,200 APPLAUSE 77 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:27,120 It's not Twitter-related, so it's more to do with who. 78 00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:29,400 - "Who is offended by what?" - Yes. 79 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,800 Um...Doctor offended by Daleks. 80 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:33,440 Er, doctor is the right area. 81 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,840 - But not Doctor Who. - Oh. 82 00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:37,400 It is to do with doctors. 83 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:39,400 Generally medical practitioners? 84 00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:41,320 It is a large organisation. 85 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:42,840 Think of it as an acronym. 86 00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:44,760 World Health Organization. 87 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:47,240 The World Health Organization. Absolutely right. 88 00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:49,120 And they're offended by What 89 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:52,640 which is the World Health Annual... 90 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:55,360 - CARIAD: - Trust? - ROMESH: - ..Transportation convention. 91 00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:56,720 No. 92 00:04:56,720 --> 00:05:01,960 They are worried that scientists are naming diseases that offend people 93 00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:04,080 and that, indeed, we've done this too much in the past. 94 00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:07,880 So, for example, Spanish flu would be a good example. 95 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:11,000 It affects people in Spain, possibly, and tourism. 96 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:13,560 People might think, if you go to Spain, you'll get Spanish flu. 97 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:14,800 Legionnaires' disease. 98 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:16,320 There's not a legionnaire in the world 99 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:18,920 not been distressed by the thought. 100 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:20,960 Oh, I know one, Essex wind. 101 00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:26,480 It's awful, innit, Phill? 102 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:29,520 Terrible. It blows right up your Thames corridor. 103 00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:33,120 Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, which I imagine... 104 00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:35,840 I don't know who that would offend. People called Creutzfeldt? 105 00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:38,480 Jakob Creutzfeldt, I would imagine, very offended. 106 00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:40,080 Swine flu, apparently. 107 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:42,800 Very offensive to people who work with, I don't know, pigs. 108 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,240 - Mrs Swine. - Mrs Swine? - Mrs Swine is upset about it. 109 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:48,120 I'm very keen on paralytic shellfish 110 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:52,760 which I could only imagine would offend prawns that drink too much, 111 00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:53,840 right? 112 00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:56,560 I can't see how anyone would be offended by that. Apparently... 113 00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:59,000 Staggering home sideways, crabs, hey? 114 00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,000 Paralytic. 115 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:06,400 I'll be honest, I don't see how you get crabs 116 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:09,280 if you're staggering sideways but... 117 00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:11,120 I'm doing a crab playing the piano, 118 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:13,960 I don't know why I'm doing that with my fingers. 119 00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:17,120 Why am I doing that with my fingers? It's that, isn't it? 120 00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:22,600 The kind of idea is you're trying to minimise unnecessary distress. 121 00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:25,200 So, for example, if you called something sudden death syndrome, 122 00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:26,400 that's just too frightening. 123 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:29,120 Hold on a sec. If you're about to die imminently, 124 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:32,000 you can't just say something cuddly so they're not offended. 125 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,080 - No. - If they're going to die in the next 20 minutes, 126 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:36,880 - you can't just go, "You've just got the chills"... - Yeah. 127 00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:38,640 ..because you don't want them to be upset. 128 00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:39,800 No, but here's the thing, 129 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,920 doctors have certain acronyms, and I love these. 130 00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:43,120 There's SBI, 131 00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:44,600 which is "something bad inside". 132 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,920 And it means the doctor knows there's something wrong, 133 00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:48,920 not entirely sure what it is. 134 00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:51,360 SVBI - "something VERY bad inside". 135 00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:55,080 Again, don't know what it is, but it'll definitely kill you. 136 00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:56,320 Which I like. 137 00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:58,840 There's loads for fat people. There's CBT, 138 00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:00,920 which is "chronic biscuit toxicity". 139 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:06,480 The other best one for fat people is BW. 140 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:07,840 "Beached whale". 141 00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:10,200 AUDIENCE GROANS 142 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:12,240 And my favourite acronym, PRATFO. 143 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:14,000 "Patient reassured and told to F off". 144 00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:18,520 APPLAUSE 145 00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:23,600 There used to be loads of occupational diseases. 146 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:25,520 Certain diseases that were entirely... 147 00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:27,000 Miners' cough. 148 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:28,200 Yeah, miners' lung. 149 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:29,880 Joggers' nipple. 150 00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:31,320 Joggers' nipple, yes. 151 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:34,800 The very first one ever was chimney-sweep's scrotum. 152 00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:39,200 - What?! - Yep. Chimney-sweep's scrotum. - What...? 153 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:41,600 Well, he should put the fire out! 154 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:43,640 - LAUGHING: - Bagpiper's fungus! Bagpiper's fungus! 155 00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:45,440 Bagpiper's fungus is a terrible thing. 156 00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:48,120 It's apparently if you don't clean the bagpipes, 157 00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:50,240 you can get a sort of horrible microbe. 158 00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:54,520 Imagine getting a fungus from an instrument that makes that noise. 159 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:55,920 Do you know what I mean? 160 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,280 Sounds like it's trying to kill you anyway, doesn't it? 161 00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:02,360 I've seen all these things listed outside a flat in Amsterdam. 162 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:07,720 Is chimney-sweep's scrotum because once they're up there 163 00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:10,440 and if you poke the sweep up...? 164 00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:12,000 I'm just guessing. 165 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:13,520 Poor Dick Van Dyke. 166 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:18,880 - AS DICK VAN DYKE: - "Oh, Mary Poppins, 167 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:22,000 "me scrotum's playing me up something rotten. 168 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:25,640 "Step in time! 169 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:30,360 "ARRRRGH!" 170 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:33,880 That was the subplot they never managed in the film. 171 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:35,760 # A spoonful of... # 172 00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:40,920 That's why they're all doing that! That's why they're all doing that! 173 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:43,160 APPLAUSE 174 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:51,640 Do you think he was in too much pain to do the accent properly? 175 00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:57,240 So, anyway. Can you tell me what this bird's name is? 176 00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,160 Is it a wagtail? 177 00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:01,680 It is not a wag... 178 00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:03,560 What I really want is I want its actual name. 179 00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:06,120 Is it Phillip, Jeremy, Mabel? 180 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:09,560 Well, to assist you, you have some bird whistles beside you. 181 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:10,840 - Ooh! - Yeah. 182 00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:13,600 See if you can come up with the actual name. 183 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:15,920 HE PLAYS A TRILL 184 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:17,720 Oh. That's better than mine. 185 00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:19,680 SHE PLAYS LIKE A CLANGER 186 00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:22,080 Oh, here we go. "..said Tiny Clanger." 187 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:24,120 Oh, you've got lots of different ones. 188 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:26,240 CARIAD CONTINUES PLAYING 189 00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:27,520 ALAN PUFFS 190 00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:28,760 HE LAUGHS 191 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:34,680 The famous calling sound of a goose with asthma. 192 00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:38,840 THEY PLAY A CLANGER CONVERSATION 193 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:39,960 What is going on? 194 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:42,600 What are you doing? 195 00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:44,520 It's just my ears popped. 196 00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:49,080 HONKING CALL 197 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:50,560 Is that a duck call? 198 00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:52,760 It's supposed to be a duck. A duck call. Sounds like a... 199 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,080 HALF-HONK AND PUFFING 200 00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:58,840 Try the littlie. 201 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:00,720 HONKING CALL Hang on! 202 00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:03,200 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 203 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:08,040 Well... THEY ALL PLAY AT ONCE 204 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:09,680 ..it could be any one of these tunes. 205 00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,040 Here is the extraordinary thing. 206 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:13,720 This bird is called - and this is such a lovely name - 207 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:16,320 it's called a superb fairy-wren. 208 00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:18,320 - Ah! - Isn't that the sweetest thing? 209 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:20,320 And every single nest has a family name. 210 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:24,040 So it's like it has a surname, and the surname is given to the mother 211 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:25,280 when the kids are all in the eggs 212 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:26,960 and what she does is she lays the eggs 213 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,320 and she waits for nine days and then she sits by the eggs 214 00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:32,120 and she starts singing a unique tune. So it might be... 215 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:33,520 GASPING TWEETS 216 00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:35,160 ..better than that. 217 00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:38,160 What beautiful song does she sing, Sandi? 218 00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:41,360 UPBEAT TWITTERING 219 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:43,960 THEY ALL PLAY AT ONCE 220 00:10:57,080 --> 00:10:58,200 Can I...? 221 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:02,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 222 00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:09,800 Basically, she sings the same tune every four minutes, 223 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,520 over and over, for a week. 224 00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:15,040 Now, I would imagine this drives the chicks in the eggs completely barmy. 225 00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:17,440 My daughter does that with Let It Go. 226 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:19,800 Oh, I hate that song. I can't be doing with it. 227 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:23,080 I didn't used to but, holy smokes, it's a test. 228 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:25,440 Anyway, what happens is the chicks in the egg, 229 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:27,800 they actually hear it and they commit it to memory, 230 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:30,800 and Mum and Dad and eggs, they all know the tune. It's a unique tune. 231 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:32,520 # Waterloo... # 232 00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,240 I don't think there are lyrics. 233 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,680 What happens is she goes away and gets food, 234 00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:46,480 when she returns to the nest, she sings this particular tune 235 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:48,800 that they all know and they have to sing it back to her 236 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:50,840 and that way she can be absolutely sure 237 00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:52,360 there isn't a cuckoo in the nest. 238 00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:56,360 So, they have, as it were, a surname just for that nest. 239 00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:58,320 - That is amazing. - That really is amazing. 240 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,040 - But if they were people... - Yeah. 241 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:02,480 ..how annoying would they be to have round for dinner? 242 00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:03,800 Unbelievably irritating. 243 00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:05,440 "Andrew, shall we do our song? 244 00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:09,160 "We all know this song, we've sung it from when we were children. 245 00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:10,320 "Let's do it, shall we?" 246 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:12,400 They're not even real, I'm going to leave! 247 00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:13,920 I knew a family that did that. 248 00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:16,000 They had a whistle and in the supermarket, 249 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:18,560 the mum would do a certain whistle and the kid would whistle back. 250 00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:21,360 No, darling, that's the Von Trapps. That's a film. 251 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:24,120 They did, they had a whistle in the supermarket in case they got lost. 252 00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:26,360 My mum would summon me home by whistling. 253 00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:27,760 - Seriously? - Yeah. 254 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:29,960 She taught me how to do it with the two fingers. 255 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,240 HE WHISTLES LOUDLY 256 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:35,040 - Wow. - Now, I could hear that, er... 257 00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:36,360 three miles away. 258 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:39,120 So me and me brother would be playing with mates 259 00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:41,280 and we'd be out all day and then, at tea-time, 260 00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:43,280 my mum would go out the back door and go... 261 00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:44,400 HE WHISTLES LOUDLY 262 00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:46,720 - And then we would... - Wow. That is a seriously good whistle. 263 00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:50,480 - We would come back. - One time, do you remember, we were in Manchester? 264 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:53,480 - Oh, yeah, yeah. - And I had to get a train... - Yeah. 265 00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:56,080 ..and a taxi went by and I went, "TAXI!" like that, 266 00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:58,440 and he ignored me and it went about 50 yards 267 00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:00,360 and he did that and it braked. 268 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:03,000 - PHILL IMITATES SQUEALING BRAKES - And he did a U-turn and came back. 269 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:06,080 - ROMESH: - Oh, was the taxi driver your mum? 270 00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:08,360 APPLAUSE 271 00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:13,720 Here is the thing about the birds which is extraordinary, 272 00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:15,040 it isn't just birds who do this. 273 00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:18,920 Horses also do this. They have a signature whinny. 274 00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:20,080 Wow. 275 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:23,480 Serious. 276 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:27,720 - Has the picture budget been slashed? - Yeah. - Why...? 277 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:30,240 That's from Horses And Orthodontistry. 278 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:32,880 I'm so allergic to horses 279 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:35,400 - that I just sneezed at the sight of that picture. - Seriously? 280 00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:39,360 I don't think it's an allergy. That photo is terrifying. 281 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:44,040 He's going, "WHERE ARE MY EYES?! WHERE ARE MY EYES? 282 00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:46,320 "THE CROWS HAVE GOT MY EYES! 283 00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:50,080 "AAAAARRRRGH!" 284 00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:53,480 That's the mother horse going, 285 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:56,400 "WHERE ARE YOU?! COME HOME!" 286 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,280 "KIDS, BRING MY EYES BACK!" 287 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:04,080 That overbite reminds me of my games teacher at school. 288 00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:07,440 So, here's the thing. Horses have signature whinnies. 289 00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:10,680 So, say, for example, you have a horse - shall we call it Alan? - 290 00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:14,320 in a stall, and another horse called Shergar walks by 291 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:16,880 and goes out of sight behind a barrier. 292 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:18,320 Alan notices that and... 293 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:19,880 You're being Alan the horse? 294 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:22,840 ..goes back to eating. If, when Shergar is behind the barrier, 295 00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:24,960 scientists play his identifying whinny, 296 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:26,840 Alan won't really pay any attention. 297 00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:30,280 If they play the identifying whinny of a different horse, 298 00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:32,200 Alan gets really freaked out because he knows 299 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:36,240 that the horse he saw walk past wasn't the one that he's just heard. 300 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:39,520 This is on the list of things scientists can be arsed to do. 301 00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:45,160 So horses have a signature whinny and dolphins as well. 302 00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:48,520 PHILL MIMICS A DOLPHIN 303 00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:52,360 Flipper's here. There's two children down a mine shaft! 304 00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,480 A dolphin taxi is going to come through now. 305 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:01,120 They meet at sea, dolphins, and one of the very first things they do 306 00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:03,400 is to introduce themselves with their unique whistle 307 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:06,240 and then when they hear someone calling that unique whistle, 308 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:08,840 - they answer with the same whistle so it's sort of... - Wow. 309 00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:12,320 - .."I'm here" kind of thing. - Oh, dolphins. - I know. 310 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:15,600 - Are they nice, really? - Well, I once swam with wild dolphins, 311 00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:18,560 I've never been more terrified in my life, frankly. 312 00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:23,120 Wrens, horses and dolphins all give themselves names. 313 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:27,560 Who sold seashells on the seashore? 314 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:28,920 Is it someone who's got no idea 315 00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:31,400 about the laws of sort of supply and demand? 316 00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:37,200 APPLAUSE 317 00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:41,840 Interestingly, there were plenty of seashells, 318 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:44,040 and lots of people who wanted to buy them. So who...? 319 00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:46,760 - The answer is "she", isn't it? - KLAXON 320 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:48,080 Yay! 321 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:51,840 Er, well, it is in the rhyme. Can you do the rhyme? 322 00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:54,440 - Do you know the rhyme? - She... No, I can't, because I've got a lisp. 323 00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:56,160 Ah! 324 00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:59,040 What a fantastically mean thing to do to you. 325 00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:01,560 Make him do it, Sandi! Make him do it! 326 00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:04,520 - CARIAD: - She sells seashells on the seashore. - Mm-hm. 327 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:07,320 And then she goes home again. I don't know the second bit. 328 00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:10,120 The shells she sells are seashells, I'm sure 329 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:12,240 For if she sells seashells on the seashore 330 00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:15,160 Then I'm sure she sells seashore shells. 331 00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:16,520 - Wow. - Is the full rhyme. 332 00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:19,720 AUDIENCE OOHS Thank you very much. Oh, yes. 333 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:21,720 APPLAUSE Oh, yes. 334 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:23,960 - That is not... - I know, I know! 335 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:27,640 That is the first time I've heard that typical British reaction 336 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:29,960 to a tongue twister. 337 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:32,080 And it is "Ooooh!" 338 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:37,760 That's what we think of articulate people. 339 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:39,640 "Ooooh!" 340 00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:46,200 I didn't know we had that in our make-up. 341 00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:48,600 So "she", but who was "she"? 342 00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:50,840 The woman who sold seashells? 343 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:54,680 Was she a Cockney woman who some white Victorian man 344 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:57,280 made up a nice rhyme about, but actually, she was probably 345 00:16:57,280 --> 00:16:59,280 a prostitute who died of syphilis? 346 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:02,960 Well... 347 00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:07,960 That turned Dickens really quickly. 348 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:11,040 - That was... - I wonder why they didn't include that bit in the rhyme. 349 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:13,760 - "..and then she got syphilis." - It's like those nursery rhymes... 350 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:17,120 - What a dark place your head is, Cariad. - Yes, it's very dark. 351 00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,920 It was an actual woman, she worked in Lyme Regis. 352 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:22,160 - Aargh! - "Aargh!" 353 00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:24,560 Have you had that seizure or do you want me to get somebody... 354 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:26,160 - No. - ..or are you all right? 355 00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:28,080 - No, no, it's the... - AUDIENCE MEMBER SNEEZES 356 00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:30,560 - ..Dorset lady... - Yeah. - Bless you. 357 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:32,440 We're a caring, sharing show. 358 00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:35,240 It was the Dorset lady. 359 00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:37,320 - She's a killer! Look at the weapon! - There she is. 360 00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:39,520 She found the first dinosaur in the UK, didn't she? 361 00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:42,200 - The first whole...? - She was the inspiration for the tongue twister. 362 00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:45,280 She's a Victorian fossil hunter called Mary Anning. 363 00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:47,160 - Mary Anning. - Oh, she's the fossil hunter - 364 00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:49,160 - she's all over the Natural History Museum. - Yeah. 365 00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,560 All over the Natural History Museum, and she's incredible. 366 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:53,520 She was very brave, because it's very dangerous. 367 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:55,440 That is a picture of her with her dog, Tray. 368 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:58,560 - She's about to kill it and put it in that bag. - Well... 369 00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:00,040 I can't tell if the dog is already... 370 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:01,720 "And now I shall make a fossil!" 371 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:06,200 Bang! Bang! 372 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:11,880 "Finish your painting, please, before the dog wakes up." 373 00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:18,120 I don't know if the picture shows the dog already dead. 374 00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:21,240 It died in a landslide, and she was very fond of it. 375 00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:23,680 In a landslide caused by...? 376 00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:27,280 Well, it is... I don't know if you... 377 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:31,960 - She found HUGE fossils. - Yeah. 378 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:34,000 She is really an extraordinary woman. 379 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:36,240 And her findings absolutely made important changes 380 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:39,440 in scientific thinking because, up until the 1820s, 381 00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:41,920 lots of people didn't believe extinctions could happen, 382 00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:44,720 cos it would imply that God's creations were less than perfect. 383 00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:47,000 But she, in fact, discovered the very first 384 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,000 ichthyosaur skeleton correctly identified, 385 00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:51,520 the first two plesiosaur skeletons 386 00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:54,680 and the first pterosaur skeleton outside Germany. 387 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:58,000 She also found... I'm going to give you some examples. She found these, 388 00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,520 and she's the very first person who worked out what they are. 389 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:04,320 So I'm going to pass you one there for you to share. 390 00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:06,000 Do you know what that is? 391 00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:07,160 Oh. This is... 392 00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:09,760 £9.50 in a Cornwall gift shop. 393 00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:13,120 Is this dinosaur shit? 394 00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:15,960 It is. It is absolutely that. 395 00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:17,640 OK. Now I feel weird. 396 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:22,320 These have been tumbled to prove you can, in fact, polish a turd. 397 00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:23,600 But, um... 398 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:27,440 That's amazing. 399 00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:29,840 People thought they were bezoars, so stomach stones, 400 00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:32,600 something from the inside of the stomach, but what she did, 401 00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:34,480 she cracked one open and she discovered... 402 00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:35,600 PHILL LAUGHS 403 00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:39,200 - Oh, God! - It's science, it's science! 404 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:40,920 She discovered fish scales and teeth, 405 00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:43,560 and she's the first person who realised that, in fact, coprolites - 406 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,920 which is the correct term for them - is in fact dinosaur poo. 407 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:47,240 Isn't that extraordinary? 408 00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:50,360 To have a dinosaur's bit of poo in your hands, I think it's incredible. 409 00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:52,040 I feel a bit sorry for her, that, you know, 410 00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:53,520 she's done all these amazing things 411 00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:56,160 and when they decide to come up with a rhyme about her 412 00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:59,080 they made up one about she used to knock out seashells. 413 00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:01,160 Well, here's the thing. That's how she made a living. 414 00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:03,240 She was very poor. Her father was a cabinet-maker, 415 00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:05,360 he died when she was 11. And so she had to make a living. 416 00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:06,960 And actually, people selling fossils 417 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:08,960 has been a big thing on the Lyme Regis coast... 418 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:11,360 She did start finding them when she was 12 or 13, didn't she? 419 00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:13,120 Yeah. She could sell them to tourists. 420 00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:14,560 It was one of the very first... 421 00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:17,280 So your £9.50 for a coprolite is probably about right. 422 00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:19,320 She really sort of pains me slightly, 423 00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:20,520 because she sold things to men 424 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:22,520 who then wrote scientific articles about them, 425 00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:24,800 and she didn't get the credit. She wasn't allowed to join, 426 00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:26,720 for example, the Geological Society of London. 427 00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:29,640 They didn't admit women until 1904. 428 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:34,360 She didn't get full credit until, 163 years after her death, 429 00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:37,520 the Royal Society included Anning in a list of the ten British women 430 00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:39,920 who have most influenced the history of science. 431 00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:42,440 Was she not allowed to join the society because she was a woman? 432 00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:44,240 Or because she killed that dog? 433 00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:48,600 I think the dog didn't help, if I'm honest with you. 434 00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:50,800 Right, time for a look in Mother Toksvig's 435 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:53,640 Bumper Book Of Neological Novelties, I think. 436 00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:55,560 Here are some new names for things. 437 00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:59,320 But can you tell me what any of them are? 438 00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,120 - Adorkable? - Adorkable. Do you know what it is? 439 00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:03,360 Is that when somebody's, like, really into comic books, 440 00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:06,200 - but it's quite cute? - CARIAD: - It's manic pixie dream girl syndrome. 441 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:09,560 Adorably dorkish, so socially inept but charming with it. 442 00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:10,840 Are these...? 443 00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:14,440 These are new words that have recently... What's happening here? 444 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,120 They're what's known as neologisms, 445 00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:18,920 so they are new terms that have entered the language. 446 00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:21,760 - Oh, I see. - Al desco is having your lunch... 447 00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:24,040 - Having your lunch at your desk. - Yeah. 448 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:26,080 A belfie, I can't remember what a belfie is. 449 00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:29,120 A belfie is where you take a selfie, but you have a bell. 450 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:33,560 - Really? - No, it is a selfie, but what of? 451 00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:35,120 What part of you is a belfie? 452 00:21:35,120 --> 00:21:36,320 - Oh, my God! - Yes. 453 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:39,240 - CARIAD: - Oh! - ROMESH: - Really? 454 00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:40,720 - Your bell end? - It's... 455 00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:44,840 APPLAUSE 456 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:47,400 I thought that was a dick pic. 457 00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:49,600 - It's your bottom. - Oh, your bottom? 458 00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:51,720 - Yes, it's a picture of your... - That's a bumfie! 459 00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:52,840 A bumfie? 460 00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:55,640 How is "belfie" bum? 461 00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,520 I don't... Darling, I didn't write them. 462 00:21:57,520 --> 00:21:59,960 I'm just telling you. These are all examples 463 00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:02,240 that have been included in the OED in recent years. 464 00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:04,080 The OED have got to stop adding now. 465 00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:05,440 - Stop adding. - Those are just... 466 00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:07,560 It's like the OED has been taken over 467 00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:10,360 by a 14-year-old boy who's bored. 468 00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:12,600 - BREAKING VOICE: - "Yeah, we'll put 'em all in! Ha-ha! 469 00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:13,680 "And I'll make up 12." 470 00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:15,400 I like that one, stoor-sooker. 471 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:16,880 - What is that? - Is that Scottish? 472 00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:19,080 Yes. It's to do with sucking. It's to do with sucking. 473 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:20,880 - Really? - Oh, it's something nasty again. 474 00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:23,040 - I think I'll leave the quiz now. - No, no, it's fine. 475 00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:25,120 It's a Scottish neologism for a vacuum cleaner. 476 00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:28,040 It's a stair-sucker, a stoor-sooker. PHILL LAUGHS 477 00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:30,200 Oh, right. What's honkenbonkers? 478 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:32,800 Honkenbonkers, it just means amazing. 479 00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:34,800 Is that the one you were thinking, 480 00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:36,720 "That's the one I might take from this"? 481 00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:38,240 Yeah. 482 00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:40,760 "What am I just going to throw into casual conversation?" 483 00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:42,360 The good thing about any of these words, 484 00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:43,680 is if I hear someone using them, 485 00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:47,880 I can beat them to death with the OED, which is quite a hefty book. 486 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:51,560 Wabsteid is another Scottish one for website. 487 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:53,240 What's cauldpress? 488 00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:55,520 Cauldpress is a Scottish neologism for a fridge. 489 00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:58,080 These are just Scottish words! 490 00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:00,320 Does anybody know where the word "quiz" comes from? 491 00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:01,640 As we're doing a kind of quiz. 492 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:04,480 I feel like I do know, but I can't remember. 493 00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:08,360 - I feel like that. - ROMESH: - Do we get a point for that? 494 00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:12,640 Alan can have a point for that, I'm fine with that, yeah. 495 00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:14,760 So when you say it, I'm going to go... 496 00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:15,840 "Oh, yeah..." 497 00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:20,640 - You watch. Watch, watch. - OK. 498 00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:22,640 - We don't really know. - Oh... Oh! 499 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:28,920 So it used to mean a sort of eccentric person. 500 00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:32,120 How it has come to mean asking people questions for points, 501 00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:34,440 we don't really know. There's a story that Richard Daley, 502 00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:37,200 who was a proprietor, a theatre proprietor in Dublin in 1791, 503 00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:39,000 made a bet that, within 48 hours, 504 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,240 he could get a word into common parlance. 505 00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:43,200 And he distributed the word "quiz" 506 00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:45,440 to be put up on walls all over Dublin, 507 00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:47,560 and it became part of the language. 508 00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:50,240 So really, when they say the police are quizzing the suspect, 509 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:51,280 that's wrong, isn't it? 510 00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:54,680 No, that's from inquisitive. And inquisition. 511 00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:56,160 So that's a separate... 512 00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:58,480 You've got it, you're in the right chair. 513 00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:02,280 I had a little cold feeling then! 514 00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:07,560 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 515 00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:19,240 Right, OK. 516 00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:24,000 A new word is created in English every 98 minutes or so. 517 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:26,280 Now, we're going to name our little piggies. 518 00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:28,600 You all know the rhyme. Come on, let's do this together. 519 00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:30,120 This little piggy went to market... 520 00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:33,040 - ALL: - This little piggy stayed home This little piggy had roast beef 521 00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:34,400 This little piggy had none... 522 00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:36,040 And what did the last one do? 523 00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:39,360 - ALL: - This little piggy went "wee-wee-wee" all the way home. 524 00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:40,920 Unbelievably irritating. 525 00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:44,800 So, what we're going to do is we're going to play with Alan's feet. 526 00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:47,640 - Are we all right to play with your feet, darling? - Yes. 527 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:49,480 I don't really like feet, can I just say this? 528 00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:51,880 I consider them the frayed edges of the body. I don't... 529 00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:55,320 - Do you want both feet? - We just need one. 530 00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:59,200 - In fact, do you want to play? - I believe my feet died in 1987... 531 00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:02,560 ..and the rest of my body will catch up eventually 532 00:25:02,560 --> 00:25:04,640 but I think my feet went some time ago. 533 00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:06,960 Right. So, here's what we're going to do. 534 00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:09,520 - Oh... - What's that noise? 535 00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:12,280 What is that noise?! 536 00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:14,920 We've never had an audience that's so judgmental. 537 00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:18,680 - When you hear a tongue twister... - OK. - "Urgh!" 538 00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:20,800 - What's the matter with you? - Very nice... 539 00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:24,080 Someone else will get their foot out and you'll go, "Yay!" 540 00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:30,320 OK. Romesh, there's a little stick... 541 00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:33,680 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 542 00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:39,280 So, imagine that your big toe is number one 543 00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:41,240 and the next toe is number two, three... 544 00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:42,720 So number five is your little toe. 545 00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:45,680 - OK. - I want you to shut your eyes and Romesh... 546 00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:48,440 Romesh is going to gently touch one of your toes 547 00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:52,360 and you tell us which one it is he's touching. 548 00:25:52,360 --> 00:25:54,480 I can't actually see which ones are being touched 549 00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:58,600 so let me just come and have a look. I'm coming behind you! 550 00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:00,640 OK, go ahead, then. Do it again. 551 00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:03,480 - Yep, which one? - Four. 552 00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:04,880 Yeah. And keep going. 553 00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:09,760 - Three? - Ah, so, OK. 554 00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:11,360 So, you can stop now, that's fantastic 555 00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:13,440 because rather marvellously and rather pleasingly 556 00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:14,800 you've entirely proved the point 557 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:16,800 that I was trying to make which is very nice. 558 00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:19,760 So, you said it was number three and, in fact, it was number two. 559 00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:22,680 - Was it? - Yeah, it was actually number two that was being poked 560 00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:25,520 - and here's the extraordinary thing. - I can't get my leg down, hang on. 561 00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:27,040 Are you all right? 562 00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:32,320 So, people at Oxford University research this kind of thing, 563 00:26:32,320 --> 00:26:35,160 in 2015, so they asked people to close their eyes 564 00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:37,320 while somebody pressed on one of their fingers 565 00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:40,760 and they were correctly able to identify, 99% of the case, 566 00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:42,160 which finger was being simulated. 567 00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:44,440 - It sort of defeats the object... - You can't do it yourself. 568 00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:46,040 Yeah, to go home and do it yourself. 569 00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:49,480 - You know which one you're prodding. - Yeah, yeah. 570 00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:51,920 - And also... - I'll actually admit I went right through with it 571 00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:54,040 and I did one of the toes myself and then thought, 572 00:26:54,040 --> 00:26:56,680 "Oh, that's number one," and of course it was! 573 00:26:57,960 --> 00:27:02,040 Have you ever been involved in scientific research in anything? 574 00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:04,960 I just have to let myself down, Sandi, all the time. 575 00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:08,200 - I'm an unbelievable idiot. - I think you're lovely. 576 00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:12,840 So you can recognise your big and little toes about 94% of the time 577 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:15,280 but the ones in the middle are the troublesome ones. 578 00:27:15,280 --> 00:27:17,360 We particularly struggle, as you did, 579 00:27:17,360 --> 00:27:19,440 between the second and the third toes 580 00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:22,920 and about half the people when the second toe was pressed, 581 00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:26,200 actually, think it's the third one. And also, even more strangely, 582 00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:29,280 lots of people find it difficult to keep track of their toes entirely. 583 00:27:29,280 --> 00:27:33,200 Nearly half the testers reported feeling as if one toe was gone. 584 00:27:35,760 --> 00:27:37,600 A huge number of people with their eyes shut 585 00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:39,960 thought they only had four toes. 586 00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:41,360 Wouldn't you have just thought 587 00:27:41,360 --> 00:27:43,920 - "We've picked the wrong person for the experiment"? - Yeah. 588 00:27:43,920 --> 00:27:45,480 Just gone entirely. 589 00:27:45,480 --> 00:27:48,000 Right, a question for all of us here on the panel, 590 00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:51,400 which of us is the most common? 591 00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:55,240 - It's either me or Alan. - Why? - Oh, why? 592 00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:56,480 No, hang on, no! 593 00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:59,120 There's more women in the world so it's one of you two. 594 00:27:59,120 --> 00:28:02,560 - It's not that. It isn't that. - It must be Romesh. 595 00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:05,440 No, in fact, the most common... 596 00:28:07,040 --> 00:28:09,240 You've got to give an argument, "It must be Romesh." 597 00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:14,080 - Him... - Oh, I see! OK. 598 00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:17,760 - I had a look to see whose name was the most common. - Oh. 599 00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:20,840 So whose name do we think is the most common? 600 00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:23,560 It's quite... Well, I'd say Romesh, Sandi and Cariad probably not... 601 00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:25,880 - Not going to be... - ..going to be top of the list, yeah. - No. 602 00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:28,640 - Davies is a very common name. - I'm afraid it is you, Alan. 603 00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:29,920 I had a look. 604 00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:33,360 Ranganathan is used, according to a website called Namespedia, 605 00:28:33,360 --> 00:28:36,800 is used 1,789 times in at least 26 countries. 606 00:28:36,800 --> 00:28:39,320 So, what does it mean, the name? Do you know what the name means? 607 00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:40,840 I think it means, like... 608 00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:42,560 "Love God." 609 00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:45,760 OK, so... 610 00:28:45,760 --> 00:28:47,960 I... 611 00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:51,960 I broke it down. 612 00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:57,960 APPLAUSE 613 00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:03,840 I broke it down, Romesh. Ranga means "source of amusement for others." 614 00:29:03,840 --> 00:29:06,560 - Right. - And Nathan means "he will give." 615 00:29:06,560 --> 00:29:08,120 Oh, right. 616 00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:11,520 Lloyd is used 65,467 times 617 00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:14,160 in at least 46 countries. 618 00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:16,600 - We get about, the Welsh. - There is that. 619 00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:19,200 Phill, I searched your name, honestly, you come up, 620 00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:22,160 there's nothing, you Lithuanian bastard. 621 00:29:22,160 --> 00:29:25,720 It's an accidental name because it's actually Seputis 622 00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:28,560 but when they arrived in 1917 in the UK, 623 00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:32,280 some bloke at Tilbury, when they arrived, went "Name." 624 00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:33,440 And they go, "Seputis." 625 00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:35,600 And he went, "Jupitus." 626 00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:37,760 So he just wrote down what he heard 627 00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:40,480 and so that's why it came out as Jupitus. 628 00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:42,160 I have lovely hair. 629 00:29:47,320 --> 00:29:50,200 - No wonder I'm so smug. - Yeah. 630 00:29:50,200 --> 00:29:53,400 I don't know who's upset Alan. 631 00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:55,760 I look like I've been pulled over for speeding. 632 00:29:55,760 --> 00:29:58,000 You're like, "Ugh, come on." 633 00:29:58,000 --> 00:30:02,280 Davies is the most popular, 47 different countries, it appears. 634 00:30:02,280 --> 00:30:04,800 Did you know there was an entire group of Indo-Iranian people 635 00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:07,400 in the Caucasus Mountains that were called the Alans? 636 00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:08,640 I did not know that. 637 00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:10,120 They've died out. 638 00:30:13,320 --> 00:30:15,840 She gives and she takes away. 639 00:30:15,840 --> 00:30:17,840 And my own name I looked up on this thing, Toksvig, 640 00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:21,000 and it said that it is used at least 23 times in three countries 641 00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:24,080 - and then it listed all the people. - # Da-da-dah! # 642 00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:26,160 And all of them... 643 00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:29,360 All of them are relatives of mine and I'm not on the list. 644 00:30:33,240 --> 00:30:34,960 What does Toksvig mean? 645 00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:37,960 It means "river by the burial ground." 646 00:30:37,960 --> 00:30:39,800 Oh, that's nice. Poetic. 647 00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:41,960 Having a huge name can help with your uniqueness. 648 00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:44,600 Have a look at these, these are some of the longest names in history. 649 00:30:44,600 --> 00:30:45,800 Look at that. 650 00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:48,160 That's one person's name, this was a woman, 651 00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:52,400 the long-reigning ruler of Yemen in the 11th and 12th century 652 00:30:52,400 --> 00:30:55,640 and she was the greatest of the rulers of the Sulayhid dynasty 653 00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:58,640 and she is sometimes referred to as the Little Queen of Sheba. 654 00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:01,520 Imagine how annoyed you'd be if you were doing the school trophy, 655 00:31:01,520 --> 00:31:03,080 she won the hundred. 656 00:31:04,600 --> 00:31:06,720 - Look at that name, that's great, isn't it? - Wow. 657 00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:10,200 That's a fantastic name. Queen of Bali, circa 1088 to 1101. 658 00:31:10,200 --> 00:31:13,840 Do you think she fell asleep and just collapsed onto the keyboard? 659 00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:21,000 That last bit at the end, that ain't a name. That is a... 660 00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:22,800 That is a two-year-old, 661 00:31:22,800 --> 00:31:25,960 that's a two-year-old on an iPhone. 662 00:31:27,240 --> 00:31:31,440 Now, would you rather be in a non-routine operation 663 00:31:31,440 --> 00:31:33,680 or a mass deposition event? 664 00:31:33,680 --> 00:31:36,080 It looks like Alan's in The Simpsons from here. 665 00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:42,600 Well, I don't like the sound of a non-routine operation. 666 00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:44,520 - I'd prefer a non-routine operation. - Do you? 667 00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:46,960 - I just think, if it's routine... - It's a better story. 668 00:31:46,960 --> 00:31:48,080 Well, if it's routine, 669 00:31:48,080 --> 00:31:50,080 the person's more likely to be a bit blase about it 670 00:31:50,080 --> 00:31:51,440 if you've done it loads of times. 671 00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:53,160 Where, if it's non-routine, he'll think, 672 00:31:53,160 --> 00:31:55,280 "I probably should stay awake while I'm doing this." 673 00:31:55,280 --> 00:31:57,720 If it's non-routine, they're going to have the book open. 674 00:31:57,720 --> 00:32:01,760 Exactly. Like they're doing it for the first time. 675 00:32:01,760 --> 00:32:04,360 - I imagine it being like a chef. - If it's routine, they'll go, 676 00:32:04,360 --> 00:32:07,280 "Just for a game, I'm going to do it with my blindfold on." 677 00:32:07,280 --> 00:32:09,240 I can tell you that the non-routine operation 678 00:32:09,240 --> 00:32:12,800 is a phrase used by Trans-Florida Airlines. 679 00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:14,440 OK. Crash landing? 680 00:32:14,440 --> 00:32:17,800 - It is. It is their word for a plane crash. - Oh-ho! 681 00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:20,720 - "Notice to passengers..." - Must be in the lead! 682 00:32:20,720 --> 00:32:22,960 "..in case of a non-routine operation, 683 00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:26,080 "we'd like you to be familiar with the location of the airplane exits." 684 00:32:26,080 --> 00:32:28,840 - You'd hope they'd call that non-routine, wouldn't you? - Yeah. 685 00:32:28,840 --> 00:32:31,640 What a damning indictment of the airline if they don't. 686 00:32:31,640 --> 00:32:33,680 Can I show you my favourite airport sign? 687 00:32:33,680 --> 00:32:35,560 Cos you know you never get proper information. 688 00:32:35,560 --> 00:32:38,160 I think this is absolutely fantastic. There we go. 689 00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:47,640 It kind of says everything, doesn't it? 690 00:32:47,640 --> 00:32:49,680 - It's fair enough. - Loses something in translation. 691 00:32:49,680 --> 00:32:51,440 - It's honest. - It's absolutely fine. 692 00:32:51,440 --> 00:32:54,400 The other thing is, a mass deposition event is, in fact, 693 00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:55,640 a huge pile of poo. 694 00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:57,440 In fact, it's a rather specific pile of poo. 695 00:32:57,440 --> 00:32:59,720 It's a euphemistic term given by archaeologists 696 00:32:59,720 --> 00:33:02,400 to the discovery of a thick layer of horse dung 697 00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:04,960 at a site called the Col de la Traversette, 698 00:33:04,960 --> 00:33:06,800 and it's believed to be associated 699 00:33:06,800 --> 00:33:11,120 with Hannibal's crossing of the Alps into Italy in 218 BC. 700 00:33:11,120 --> 00:33:14,520 I love this. The team analysing the poo, OK, 701 00:33:14,520 --> 00:33:17,040 are hoping to find signs of elephant droppings. 702 00:33:17,040 --> 00:33:18,760 Here's a quote from one of the team. 703 00:33:18,760 --> 00:33:21,800 "There's even the possibility of finding an elephant tapeworm egg. 704 00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:25,240 "This would really be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow." 705 00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:29,160 Tapeworm egg. 706 00:33:29,160 --> 00:33:31,320 - Not even a tapeworm... - No. - ..just a tapeworm egg. 707 00:33:31,320 --> 00:33:33,560 Just a tapeworm egg. While we're on euphemisms, 708 00:33:33,560 --> 00:33:37,720 what is a nondiscernible microbionoculator? 709 00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:40,760 - Something you can't see. - It's very small, very small. 710 00:33:40,760 --> 00:33:42,400 You don't want to have it. 711 00:33:42,400 --> 00:33:44,840 - So, like a parasite? - It's nondiscernible, you can't see it. 712 00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:46,440 It's a man-made thing. 713 00:33:46,440 --> 00:33:47,520 Bullet. 714 00:33:47,520 --> 00:33:49,640 - Sort of. - A lethal injection. 715 00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:52,480 You're absolutely in the right area, it's a poison dart gun, 716 00:33:52,480 --> 00:33:55,200 devised by the CIA in 1975. 717 00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:56,560 I'm on fire, I'm bound to win! 718 00:33:56,560 --> 00:33:58,920 - You're doing... - I've only had one klaxon. - Yeah. - Yeah. 719 00:33:58,920 --> 00:34:01,200 I have to say this during the show to flag it up. 720 00:34:01,200 --> 00:34:03,320 - Yeah. - Yeah. - You've done fantastic. 721 00:34:03,320 --> 00:34:07,600 Otherwise they would just give me -40 and tell me to piss off. 722 00:34:07,600 --> 00:34:11,680 That looks like a particularly tough night at the Rotary Club. 723 00:34:11,680 --> 00:34:14,000 "I think I'm going to kill Alan." 724 00:34:14,000 --> 00:34:18,400 - He's got the sight on back to front. - The thing I don't understand... - Yes. 725 00:34:18,400 --> 00:34:20,920 The bloke on the right is saying, "Back to front, you idiot!" 726 00:34:20,920 --> 00:34:24,080 "He's bloody miles away, the dart will never get him!" 727 00:34:28,440 --> 00:34:32,800 Why wouldn't you want to get caught in bed with a Norfolk Howard? 728 00:34:32,800 --> 00:34:35,440 Cos it's probably cattle, is it, or something like that? 729 00:34:35,440 --> 00:34:38,280 No, but it is a creature of some kind. 730 00:34:38,280 --> 00:34:40,320 Oh, some sort of a bug or a flea or a tick... 731 00:34:40,320 --> 00:34:41,960 Oh, yes, you are on fire. Yes. 732 00:34:41,960 --> 00:34:44,880 - What's going on with you today? - Yeah. 733 00:34:44,880 --> 00:34:47,840 - Suddenly you know shit. - Oh, it's a sub... 734 00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:50,160 It's, like, a substandard panel this week. 735 00:34:52,720 --> 00:34:56,840 APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH 736 00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:01,080 It's, in fact, it's a euphemism for a bedbug, 737 00:35:01,080 --> 00:35:02,320 a Norfolk Howard. 738 00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:04,320 Turn of the 20th century, there was a guy, 739 00:35:04,320 --> 00:35:06,600 he's either called Bugsy or Joshua Bug. 740 00:35:06,600 --> 00:35:08,720 Anyway, he really hated being called Bug 741 00:35:08,720 --> 00:35:11,280 and so he changed his name to Norfolk Howard 742 00:35:11,280 --> 00:35:13,320 and his friends, to take the mickey, 743 00:35:13,320 --> 00:35:17,200 referred to all bedbugs as Norfolk Howards and in the end, 744 00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:20,080 bedbugs became known as Norfolk Howard. 745 00:35:20,080 --> 00:35:21,880 Oh, that's horrible. 746 00:35:21,880 --> 00:35:25,120 I think that is a beautifully designed... 747 00:35:25,120 --> 00:35:27,320 - It's an amazing things. - ..and coloured... - Yeah. 748 00:35:27,320 --> 00:35:29,840 - I mean... - They are amazing, bedbugs, yeah. - ..that is a stunner. 749 00:35:29,840 --> 00:35:32,440 - Look at the shell on that. - You wouldn't accept that from a hotel, 750 00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:35,480 though, if they said that to you, would you? 751 00:35:35,480 --> 00:35:38,120 "Bedbugs, yeah, but look how beautiful..." 752 00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:43,200 And so we reach that round that dare not speak its name. 753 00:35:43,200 --> 00:35:46,360 Fingers on buzzers, please, for General Ignorance. 754 00:35:46,360 --> 00:35:50,000 Name the place where all the Vikings who died in battle went. 755 00:35:51,520 --> 00:35:53,520 'Schroeder Swan.' 756 00:35:53,520 --> 00:35:55,600 I'll take the hit, Valhalla. 757 00:35:55,600 --> 00:35:58,440 KLAXON 758 00:35:59,600 --> 00:36:00,800 No. 759 00:36:00,800 --> 00:36:03,320 You'd think, right, that any warrior, death in battle, 760 00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:06,560 you'd get to go to the Hall of the Fallen in Asgard. 761 00:36:06,560 --> 00:36:10,400 It's amazing, it has a roof entirely made of golden shields, 762 00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:15,280 it's got 540 doors, you can get 800 men in and out, whenever you like. 763 00:36:15,280 --> 00:36:18,160 - Sounds brilliant. - It's amazing, it's amazing. 764 00:36:18,160 --> 00:36:21,800 But only half of the Viking heroes actually go to Valhalla. 765 00:36:21,800 --> 00:36:24,760 So in Viking mythology, there are actually two sets of gods, 766 00:36:24,760 --> 00:36:27,680 the Aesir, which is Odin and co, 767 00:36:27,680 --> 00:36:31,040 and the Vanir and both sets get to choose their dead. 768 00:36:31,040 --> 00:36:32,400 So half go to Valhalla, 769 00:36:32,400 --> 00:36:34,520 which is where they all want to go, basically, 770 00:36:34,520 --> 00:36:39,320 and the other half go to the goddess Freya's field of Folkvangr, 771 00:36:39,320 --> 00:36:41,560 which was probably, you know, a blow, I would imagine. 772 00:36:41,560 --> 00:36:45,720 I have never been more aroused on a TV show than I am right now. 773 00:36:45,720 --> 00:36:47,880 - Same, same. - Do the voice, do the voice, do the voice. 774 00:36:47,880 --> 00:36:49,880 - Folkvangr. - Folkvangr. - Folkvangr. 775 00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:51,720 See, I think you'd like to go there, Phill. 776 00:36:51,720 --> 00:36:55,320 Yes, I would like to go to Folkvangr. 777 00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:58,040 - Because there are women there. - There's no women in Valhalla? 778 00:36:58,040 --> 00:37:00,000 No, just the Valkyries riding in and out. 779 00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:02,600 That's a great name of a porn film. 780 00:37:02,600 --> 00:37:04,680 No Women In Valhalla! 781 00:37:04,680 --> 00:37:07,080 So, if you didn't die in battle you died a natural death, 782 00:37:07,080 --> 00:37:08,160 where did you go? 783 00:37:08,160 --> 00:37:11,320 Because you didn't go to Valhalla and you didn't go to Folkvangr. 784 00:37:11,320 --> 00:37:14,280 Did you go to Loki's Kingdom of Mischief? 785 00:37:14,280 --> 00:37:16,360 It's place we don't want to go today when we die. 786 00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:18,800 - We don't want to go... - Hell. - We don't want to go to hell. 787 00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:21,680 Fantastic, it's exactly right. They went to hell, yeah. 788 00:37:21,680 --> 00:37:24,120 - Indeed they did. - If they died of natural causes? 789 00:37:24,120 --> 00:37:27,000 If they died of natural causes, they went to hell which was... 790 00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:30,080 "I feel terrible. Quick, start a fight!" 791 00:37:31,760 --> 00:37:33,400 "There's that battle today..." 792 00:37:33,400 --> 00:37:35,240 "Oh, this is so unfair. 793 00:37:35,240 --> 00:37:39,080 "I've been in all the battles, trying to get killed." 794 00:37:39,080 --> 00:37:41,200 Hell is ruled over by a goddess called Hell, 795 00:37:41,200 --> 00:37:43,040 it's where we get the word hell from. 796 00:37:43,040 --> 00:37:47,000 Anyway, only half of Viking warriors ever got to Valhalla. 797 00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:48,960 Name a self-confessed Nazi. 798 00:37:51,640 --> 00:37:53,320 LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH 799 00:37:53,320 --> 00:37:55,640 - Phill Jupitus. - OK. 800 00:37:55,640 --> 00:37:57,880 - Erm... - All those guys. 801 00:37:57,880 --> 00:37:59,200 They're like "Me, it's me." 802 00:37:59,200 --> 00:38:01,200 They didn't call themselves Nazis. 803 00:38:01,200 --> 00:38:02,960 Absolutely right. There are none, 804 00:38:02,960 --> 00:38:05,480 there are none because they didn't call themselves Nazis. 805 00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:07,640 You are just doing brilliantly. 806 00:38:07,640 --> 00:38:09,960 Yep. Absolutely right. 807 00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:14,280 APPLAUSE 808 00:38:17,360 --> 00:38:19,000 - All this time... - Yep. 809 00:38:19,000 --> 00:38:22,520 All this time you've been intimidated to say what you know 810 00:38:22,520 --> 00:38:26,360 and now you can just, you can just speak! It's lovely, Alan. 811 00:38:26,360 --> 00:38:28,680 - No, indeed and... - Hang on, I'll throw him off his game. 812 00:38:28,680 --> 00:38:31,400 - AS STEPHEN FRY: - Maa! Maa! 813 00:38:33,240 --> 00:38:35,640 Although I like that Churchill called them "Nazzies". 814 00:38:35,640 --> 00:38:39,640 - "Nazzies", yeah. - And he referred to the Gestapo as the "Jester-po". 815 00:38:40,680 --> 00:38:42,720 That was very good. You're absolutely right. 816 00:38:42,720 --> 00:38:46,000 No self-respecting Nazi ever called themselves a Nazi, 817 00:38:46,000 --> 00:38:48,320 it was the German exiles who called them that. 818 00:38:48,320 --> 00:38:51,840 Name the cause of the first mass extinction? 819 00:38:51,840 --> 00:38:53,360 Oh, now this is a trick one, 820 00:38:53,360 --> 00:38:56,120 because you're trying to get us to do the dinosaur one, 821 00:38:56,120 --> 00:38:58,040 but there was one before that, wasn't there? 822 00:38:58,040 --> 00:39:00,720 After 14 years, he understands the format! 823 00:39:03,600 --> 00:39:06,040 APPLAUSE 824 00:39:10,960 --> 00:39:15,120 And the thing I still can't do is think in my head. 825 00:39:19,480 --> 00:39:22,200 Where do you think, then? 826 00:39:22,200 --> 00:39:24,320 - In my mouth. - In your mouth. 827 00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:26,080 Is it ice? Ice? 828 00:39:26,080 --> 00:39:28,600 - It is not ice, no. CARIAD: - Baby! 829 00:39:30,840 --> 00:39:33,520 - Very good. - They had a problem, but they didn't solve it. 830 00:39:33,520 --> 00:39:35,200 There was a massive extinction. 831 00:39:36,720 --> 00:39:41,280 It's sea anemone greed and, really, the invention of the mouth. 832 00:39:41,280 --> 00:39:43,120 So what happens is... 833 00:39:43,120 --> 00:39:46,000 So many problems come when we invent the mouth! 834 00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:47,560 These are ediacarans, 835 00:39:47,560 --> 00:39:51,440 and ediacarans are the very first complex life forms on earth. 836 00:39:51,440 --> 00:39:55,240 And they hung around on the sea floor for about 37 million years. 837 00:39:55,240 --> 00:39:57,280 They didn't have a mouth, they didn't have an anus. 838 00:39:57,280 --> 00:39:59,040 They just lived through osmosis. 839 00:39:59,040 --> 00:40:00,440 They got along fine! 840 00:40:00,440 --> 00:40:04,160 They were just fine. And then, what happens is, the Cambrian explosion, 841 00:40:04,160 --> 00:40:08,080 so that's - give or take a Tuesday - about 542 million years ago. 842 00:40:08,080 --> 00:40:10,520 You suddenly get life forms suddenly rocketing 843 00:40:10,520 --> 00:40:12,320 cos there's more oxygen around, 844 00:40:12,320 --> 00:40:14,720 and you get sea anemone-like creatures, they have a mouth. 845 00:40:14,720 --> 00:40:17,040 - And do you know what they did? - They ate them. - They ate them. 846 00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:19,160 Absolutely right. They ate the lot of them. 847 00:40:19,160 --> 00:40:20,520 And the terrible, tragic thing 848 00:40:20,520 --> 00:40:22,840 was that they couldn't tell each other what was happening. 849 00:40:22,840 --> 00:40:25,160 - Oh, don't! That's so sad! - Yeah. - No mouth. 850 00:40:27,160 --> 00:40:30,280 - Just lying there being eaten and not being able to... - Or warn each other. 851 00:40:30,280 --> 00:40:33,840 I've had boyfriends like that, and I understand how they feel. 852 00:40:38,120 --> 00:40:41,040 Nothing you can do. Just let them get on with it. 853 00:40:41,040 --> 00:40:43,960 It's been a learning experience being with you, Cariad. 854 00:40:44,960 --> 00:40:46,280 That's why I'm adorkable! 855 00:40:46,280 --> 00:40:48,400 I thought for a moment you meant you'd had boyfriends 856 00:40:48,400 --> 00:40:50,680 with no mouth or anus. 857 00:40:50,680 --> 00:40:54,360 - It felt like that, Alan. - They can't cry for help. - No. 858 00:40:54,360 --> 00:40:56,640 - Can't speak. - Anyway... 859 00:40:56,640 --> 00:40:59,640 what's French for nom de plume? 860 00:40:59,640 --> 00:41:01,440 Oh, hang on a minute. 861 00:41:01,440 --> 00:41:03,760 'Snuffy Storey.' 862 00:41:03,760 --> 00:41:05,240 Is it that they don't have, 863 00:41:05,240 --> 00:41:09,560 that doesn't mean pseudonym in French? 864 00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:11,600 - Er, yeah, kind of. - They don't have... 865 00:41:11,600 --> 00:41:13,720 In fact, the French for when an author chooses to write 866 00:41:13,720 --> 00:41:16,160 - under a different name is nom de guerre. - Oh, yeah. 867 00:41:16,160 --> 00:41:17,640 It is now nom de plume in French 868 00:41:17,640 --> 00:41:19,320 but the British didn't like nom de guerre, 869 00:41:19,320 --> 00:41:21,120 they didn't think it was a good idea 870 00:41:21,120 --> 00:41:22,720 and so they changed it to nom de plume 871 00:41:22,720 --> 00:41:24,960 and now the French have used it, they've taken it from us. 872 00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:26,600 That's unusual that they would take it 873 00:41:26,600 --> 00:41:28,960 because normally they hold on to their French words... 874 00:41:28,960 --> 00:41:32,880 Yeah, like "le weekend." Like crazy they hold on to those words. 875 00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:34,080 My favourite nom de plume... 876 00:41:34,080 --> 00:41:36,600 - Voltaire had loads and he had about 173. - What?! 877 00:41:36,600 --> 00:41:40,000 Defoe had loads and loads, in fact, including Daniel Defoe, 878 00:41:40,000 --> 00:41:41,800 his real name was Daniel Foe, 879 00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:45,320 - he just bigged himself up with the "De" part. - Oh. 880 00:41:45,320 --> 00:41:47,880 - And Benjamin Franklin. - He lived in Stoke Newington. 881 00:41:47,880 --> 00:41:50,120 - Who did? Daniel Defoe? - Daniel Defoe. 882 00:41:50,120 --> 00:41:52,840 See, I like that because that is where somebody like that 883 00:41:52,840 --> 00:41:55,680 ought to live. There's a wonderful story about a book written by 884 00:41:55,680 --> 00:41:57,800 a man called T Lobsang Rampa. 885 00:41:57,800 --> 00:42:00,800 He was supposedly a Tibetan monk and it was a huge hit, this book, 886 00:42:00,800 --> 00:42:04,080 it was called The Third eye, it was published in 1954, massive hit. 887 00:42:04,080 --> 00:42:08,280 In fact, it was written by a plumber from Plympton... 888 00:42:08,280 --> 00:42:10,280 his name was Cyril Henry Hoskin. 889 00:42:10,280 --> 00:42:13,360 - Hoax, a total hoax. - A total hoax but what I like about it... - Brilliant. 890 00:42:13,360 --> 00:42:15,840 ..he didn't, he wouldn't back down, right? 891 00:42:15,840 --> 00:42:19,960 So he claimed that the soul of the original Lobsang Rampa 892 00:42:19,960 --> 00:42:24,480 had inhabited his body after he fell out of a fir tree in his garden 893 00:42:24,480 --> 00:42:28,000 in Thames Ditton while attempting to photograph an owl. 894 00:42:30,440 --> 00:42:33,520 - If you're going to lie... - Lie big. Go for it. - Yeah. 895 00:42:33,520 --> 00:42:36,680 The French for nom de plume is nom de guerre. 896 00:42:36,680 --> 00:42:39,880 So our panellists emerge at the scores, 897 00:42:39,880 --> 00:42:42,520 but let's see who has made a name for themselves, 898 00:42:42,520 --> 00:42:45,080 and who has a black mark next to theirs. 899 00:42:45,080 --> 00:42:49,440 In fourth place, with a magnificent -2, 900 00:42:49,440 --> 00:42:51,760 it is Phill! 901 00:42:51,760 --> 00:42:54,120 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 902 00:42:56,640 --> 00:42:59,000 - Yes! - In third place, with 4 points, 903 00:42:59,000 --> 00:43:00,240 it's Romesh! 904 00:43:00,240 --> 00:43:02,480 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 905 00:43:05,000 --> 00:43:07,600 OK, I don't know if you're going to be able to guess who wins 906 00:43:07,600 --> 00:43:10,360 if I tell you who's in second place. With 5 points, 907 00:43:10,360 --> 00:43:11,760 it's Cariad. 908 00:43:11,760 --> 00:43:13,560 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 909 00:43:13,560 --> 00:43:15,560 Alan! Oh, my God! 910 00:43:15,560 --> 00:43:18,160 And the winner is Alan, with 7. 911 00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:20,920 EXCITED CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 912 00:43:29,000 --> 00:43:30,760 It only remains for me to thank... 913 00:43:30,760 --> 00:43:32,320 I'm going to be UNBEARABLE! 914 00:43:32,320 --> 00:43:34,240 SANDI LAUGHS 915 00:43:34,240 --> 00:43:35,400 I shall bear with it. 916 00:43:35,400 --> 00:43:38,520 It only remains for me to thank Cariad, Phill, Romesh and Alan. 917 00:43:38,520 --> 00:43:42,080 Finally, let me leave you with this Neolithic newspaper nugget 918 00:43:42,080 --> 00:43:43,640 from the Johannesburg Star. 919 00:43:43,640 --> 00:43:46,640 The Sunday morning quiet of the city centre was shattered 920 00:43:46,640 --> 00:43:49,000 when a man went berserk in Plain Street. 921 00:43:49,000 --> 00:43:51,600 He smashed about 4,000 rands' worth of shop windows 922 00:43:51,600 --> 00:43:53,440 before being shot in the thigh 923 00:43:53,440 --> 00:43:55,000 by a passing churchgoer. 924 00:43:56,240 --> 00:43:57,400 Goodnight. 925 00:43:57,400 --> 00:44:00,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE