1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:08,720 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:24,560 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 3 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:34,640 Oh, how nice. Thank you very much. 4 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:36,840 How lovely! 5 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:42,000 Welcome to QI, where tonight it's a lot of noble rot with knobs on. 6 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:46,360 Nibbling at the upper crust are the incomparable king of comedy, 7 00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:48,040 Jason Manford. 8 00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:51,880 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Hello, hello. 9 00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:56,360 The quintessential queen of quips, Sara Pascoe. 10 00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:58,640 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:04,320 The peerless prince of pleasantries, Jeremy Clarkson. 12 00:01:04,320 --> 00:01:08,920 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 13 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:11,440 And Lordy, Lordy, it's Alan Davies. 14 00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:15,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 15 00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:20,320 Right. Please ring down for service. 16 00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:21,800 Jason goes... 17 00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:23,280 SMALL BELL TINKLES 18 00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:24,680 Sarah goes... 19 00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:26,400 SCHOOL BELL RINGS 20 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:28,800 Jeremy goes... 21 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:30,560 LARGE BELL CLANGS 22 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:34,040 And Alan goes... 23 00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:35,440 ACAPELLA SINGING 24 00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:37,040 # Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding 25 00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:39,960 # Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding-ding Ring, ring, ring... # 26 00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:44,000 Let's start off by hobnobbing with a top nob. 27 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:48,480 Name a nobleman who invented a hot drink you might enjoy with a hobnob. 28 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:50,920 - JEREMY: - Coffee Annan. 29 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:53,840 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 30 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:55,880 That's a drink and a snack, I think. 31 00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:58,040 - Baron Horlicks? - Very good. 32 00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:00,360 Hobnobs, of course, are an impostor 33 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:02,600 and no nobleman would have had a hobnob. 34 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:05,280 - No, that is true. - They have the air of a classic. 35 00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:07,680 They do, and yet it's a PR invention. 36 00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:10,120 Actually, they're a kind of '70s hallucination. 37 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:13,200 OK. So this hot drink is also a kind of PR invention, 38 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:16,200 which we call by the name of a Lord, but it isn't really. 39 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:18,680 - Earl Grey. - Earl Grey. - It is Earl Grey. 40 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:21,760 It is a black tea which has been flavoured with bergamot oil, 41 00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:23,200 and it is named after Earl Grey. 42 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:25,080 Almost certainly nothing to do with it. 43 00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:27,520 Even though I think it continues to say so on the packaging. 44 00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:28,880 What about Lady Grey? 45 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:31,440 - I like Lady Grey. - I was going to ask that. That's lovely, that one. 46 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:34,120 Well, you and me both! But... LAUGHTER 47 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:36,960 - It's not a euphemism, it's an actual tea! - Oh, I see. 48 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,680 I'm not into Earl Grey. 49 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:43,560 - Why's that? - It's like someone's melted some pot pourri in a cup. 50 00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:47,160 The fact it smells exactly like it tastes is weird. 51 00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:49,720 Yeah. You do know you're drunk at a party 52 00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:51,800 if you're eating the pot pourri, don't you? 53 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:53,840 POT pourri, he started this. 54 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,520 - POT pourri. - POT pourri is how it's said, isn't it, Jason? 55 00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:58,520 Oh, why, is there another pronunciation of it? 56 00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:00,600 - I'm going to say Po Pourri. - Oh, I see. 57 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:03,040 Po Pourri. I don't know, we don't have it in our house. 58 00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:05,720 - Have you eaten it? - We just have a Magic Tree. 59 00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:07,520 From the car. 60 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:10,320 It's all over your shirt, Jason, it's all over your shirt! 61 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:15,000 Do we know why it's been named after Earl Grey? 62 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,280 - I've no idea. - Indeed, that is correct. - He insisted. 63 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:20,960 No, he was probably dead 40 years when somebody first came up with it. 64 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:22,600 Oh, like Jesus. 65 00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:24,960 LAUGHTER 66 00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:35,160 If I'd said that I'd be in so much... He probably will be. 67 00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:36,600 LAUGHTER 68 00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:38,840 Anybody know what Earl Grey IS famous for? 69 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:40,280 When was he alive? 70 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:45,000 Well, I can tell you when he was in government, which is from 1830-1834. 71 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:47,680 - Was it a law? Was it a movement? - It is a law. 72 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:49,000 OK, so 1830... 73 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:52,000 - 1832 there was an important law. What was that one, Jeremy? - Yes. 74 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:56,240 - In 1830... - Corn Laws. Repealing the Corn Laws. 75 00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:58,160 - It's the Great Reform Act. - The police... 76 00:03:58,160 --> 00:03:59,480 - That's it! - Great Reform Act... 77 00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:00,840 # Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding... # 78 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:02,960 - Yes? - The Great Reform Act of 1832. 79 00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:06,120 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 80 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:10,480 Yes. So the reforming government extended the right to vote 81 00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:13,680 and got rid of the rotten boroughs, when there were, maybe, 82 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:16,080 only nine voters returning a member of Parliament, 83 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:18,440 so it helped to re-establish the authority of Parliament. 84 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:23,480 But it was also that he led the most nepotistic government 85 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:26,640 in British history. OK? 86 00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:28,480 It was described as the most 87 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:32,040 aristocratic administration that has ever been formed. 88 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:35,760 All but one of his 13 Cabinet members were either peers 89 00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:38,480 or heirs to a peerage and, in the lower ranks, 90 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:42,240 - large numbers of his own family. - Did they call it 50 Shades Of Grey? 91 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,640 They should have done. LAUGHTER 92 00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:46,920 - They would have been ahead of the game. - And pretty sexy. 93 00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:49,920 I don't... 94 00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:52,400 Tea, of course, the great British cure-all. 95 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:54,880 There are some historians who consider that tea ought to take 96 00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:57,080 credit for the fact that the Industrial Revolution 97 00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:59,320 happened first in Britain. Why might that be? 98 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:02,120 - Caffeine. - What, keeping you awake? - Yes. 99 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:04,760 - No, it's not that. - What was the question? 100 00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:07,600 No, I was, I'm a bit deaf. 101 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:10,920 - I'm so glad you joined us. - You're mocking the afflicted. 102 00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:12,520 - Not at all. - That's my job! 103 00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:15,320 SHE SHOUTS: Some historians take a view... 104 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:16,880 Yep. 105 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:19,280 It was last Tuesday! LAUGHTER 106 00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:22,120 There are historians who take a view that tea is responsible 107 00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:24,800 for the Industrial Revolution. Why might it be? 108 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:27,760 - A determination to get tea here quickly? - No. 109 00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:30,640 So, industrialisation, what happens is you get a concentration 110 00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:34,040 of the population in cities and that usually leads to epidemics. 111 00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:35,280 However, in Britain 112 00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:37,800 the health got better rather than worse in cities... 113 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:39,280 Oh, cos they were boiling the water? 114 00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:42,000 - Because they were boiling the water. - They didn't have the germs. 115 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:44,400 Exactly right. So other foods associated, I don't know, 116 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:46,760 more or less plausibly with eponymous nobles? 117 00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:48,280 Baron Kit Kat? 118 00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:51,640 A Baron Kit Kat sounds like one without chocolate on it, doesn't it? 119 00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:54,160 LAUGHTER 120 00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:56,480 APPLAUSE 121 00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:58,680 Beef Wellington. Beef Wellington! 122 00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:01,920 - Good one. - Which I find too rich. Does anybody like beef Wellington? 123 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:04,480 - I like it, me. - Do you? - Yeah, we didn't get it much at school. 124 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:07,360 - Did you not? - I've grown into the taste, yeah. 125 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:11,040 Battenberg cake, which was created especially for 126 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:15,200 the marriage of Prince Louis of Battenberg in 1884. 127 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:18,240 Are we looking for titled people who give their names to food? 128 00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:20,160 Well, yes. That would be ideal. 129 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:21,640 LAUGHTER 130 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:22,960 Wellington. 131 00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:26,160 I will catch up with you in about five minutes. 132 00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:27,600 LAUGHTER 133 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:31,520 It's a new thing. Honestly, have you tried being deaf? 134 00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:33,200 It's bloody difficult! 135 00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:35,360 - You can't... - Sorry? - It is. 136 00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:39,440 Put your fingers in your ears. It's all just like I'm underwater. 137 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:44,320 - I'll lean forwards like that then I can stay in tune. - If you say so. 138 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:46,200 Anyway. Moving on. 139 00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:49,680 One way to get a good job is to be a nobleman's nephew. 140 00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:54,200 But how can you improve your job prospects by getting nicked? 141 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:56,520 Is this Duke of Marlborough type stuff? 142 00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:58,520 No. Not particularly. 143 00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:00,680 We have to think about other words for... 144 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:03,280 Oh! So if you're trying to get a job, and it would be good if you 145 00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:06,280 got nicked, maybe the job is, like, testing how sharp paper is. 146 00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:09,680 - OK. - And are people going to get paper cuts? That meaning of nicked. 147 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:12,240 - That would be a great job. I would like that. - Just work with paper 148 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:14,360 all day, like - those ones are too sharp. 149 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:15,440 That one's lovely. 150 00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:18,560 What about when you lick an envelope and you cut your lip? 151 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,560 - Oh! - Yeah. That would be, like, for the boss person 152 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:22,440 to do that one, with tongues involved. 153 00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:24,200 Half your face falls off. 154 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:26,840 - Yeah. - OK, weirdly... - That's how the Joker got like that. 155 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:30,880 - Weirdly... - An envelope accident. - ..you are in the right area. 156 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:33,960 - Excellent. - ..of cutting your face. 157 00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:36,800 Shaving! Shavers! 158 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:39,960 - No. - Razors! - Barber! - No, it's nothing to do with shaving. 159 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,240 It is until the Second World War 160 00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:46,960 the tradition of duelling with swords was absolutely woven 161 00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,840 into the fabric of life in the higher echelons of society. 162 00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:52,160 We are talking about the German-speaking world, 163 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:53,520 I should be specific. 164 00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:54,920 And the professional classes, 165 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:58,240 they wore the resulting scars on their cheeks as badges of honour. 166 00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:02,440 And even today there's about 160 student duelling clubs. 167 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:05,120 We can have a look at them fighting here. 168 00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:07,240 So one of the things is you mustn't move. 169 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:09,040 You're not allowed to move your feet at all. 170 00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:10,960 You have to keep your left hand behind your back. 171 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:12,840 - Are they beekeepers or...? - LAUGHTER 172 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:14,280 They're a bit like Freemasons. 173 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:16,520 And so the old boys of these duelling clubs, 174 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:20,720 they absolutely dominate lots and lots of the jobs in big business. 175 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:22,600 And you can see it's very ritualised, 176 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:24,880 and they have these extraordinary get-togethers. 177 00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:27,920 They sing patriotic songs and they have such prodigious 178 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:32,080 beer-drinking contests that they have special puking basins. 179 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:34,160 Is this before the fight? 180 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:36,200 I'm very much hoping it's afterwards. 181 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:38,640 - I very much... - That would be great, drunk-duelling. 182 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:41,520 - I'd like to see that. - I think you did that on about series 16 183 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:43,120 of Top Gear, didn't you? 184 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:45,520 LAUGHTER 185 00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:47,560 And the scars, they're known as schmitte, 186 00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:50,160 or Renommierschmisser, 187 00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:51,920 and they're known as bragging scars. 188 00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:54,920 - HE SLURS: - I was really drunk... 189 00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:56,520 They were terrible injuries. 190 00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:59,280 In 1566 the Danish astronomer Tycho Brahe 191 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:01,840 lost his nose to a fellow student. 192 00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:04,080 Sorry, he was an astronomer? 193 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:07,040 A famous Danish astronomer. So I'm trying on each show, Jason, 194 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:09,200 to put in a random Scandinavian fact. 195 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:11,480 - Good. - Which I call my Randy Scandi. 196 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:13,280 LAUGHTER 197 00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:15,760 He lost his nose and he had to wear a brass 198 00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:18,160 - prosthetic for the rest of his life. - Brass? - Brass, yeah. 199 00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:21,480 You'd look a bit ridiculous going through airport metal detectors. 200 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:24,760 That's right. They couldn't get a better nose replacement than brass, 201 00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:26,520 but there were aeroplanes. 202 00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:28,280 - LAUGHTER - He can't hear. 203 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:32,320 This is the best, we can say anything we want about Jeremy 204 00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:33,360 and he can't hear us. 205 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:38,360 LARGE BELL CHIMES 206 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:40,720 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 207 00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:44,960 - Can we get Jeremy a trumpet, one of those trumpets? - Yes! 208 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,680 I want to get back to his nose. 209 00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:48,720 Why did they fit a brass one? 210 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:51,960 - It's a talking point, isn't it? - They had chewing gum in those days. 211 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:54,320 - How did they fit it? - There was an adhesive, 212 00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:56,520 but he is said to have had a green line on his face 213 00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:58,920 where the adhesive... And it's possible he also had 214 00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:01,160 a special gold or silver one for parties. 215 00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:02,400 He's an interesting guy. 216 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:04,640 He was really concerned about the look of things, 217 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:08,920 and it is possible that he died from extremely good manners. 218 00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:11,720 So 1601, he was at a banquet, and it wasn't the thing, 219 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:15,600 when you are at a banquet, to excuse yourself to go and wee. 220 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:18,840 And he may or may not have died of a burst bladder. 221 00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:20,720 Or maybe he was doing coke? 222 00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:22,280 Again... 223 00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:25,520 Which would probably be really tricky with a brass nose. 224 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:28,240 - Yeah. - I think I'd have denim. 225 00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:31,040 LAUGHTER 226 00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:32,800 Or gingham for parties. 227 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:34,640 LAUGHTER 228 00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:37,240 Like kitchen curtains. There's a hole! 229 00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:39,240 LAUGHTER 230 00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:41,360 Or you'd have a miniature sword... 231 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:43,400 LAUGHTER 232 00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:49,360 "Look, madam, look at my rapier!" 233 00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:52,040 Terrible if you're trying to get off with someone. 234 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:53,720 "Oh, sorry!" 235 00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:59,760 Unless they'd lost their nose as well, and they had a little shield. 236 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:02,240 That's how you'd know you were made for each other. 237 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:03,840 Literally, been made for each other. 238 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:08,600 Duelling scars were so valued that people sometimes inflicted them 239 00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:12,280 on themselves, or they would stuff horsehair into the wound, 240 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:15,640 pour red wine onto it, they wanted it to be as prominent as possible. 241 00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:19,480 And having a manly scar was once thought to make one 242 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:21,080 good marriage material. 243 00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:23,480 So would you be more or less likely to go out with somebody, 244 00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:27,760 - Sara, who had a scar? Particularly on the face. - I'm not scarrist. - No. 245 00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:30,520 I mean, I would like to say I'm not that shallow at all 246 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:33,040 - and I go for personality. - Yeah, but... 247 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:36,080 But, love a man with a scar. 248 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:39,120 Well, there's been recent research on this which is really interesting 249 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:42,960 - which suggest that women do indeed favour men with scars. - Do they? 250 00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,000 But for short-term relationships. 251 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,880 Oh, yeah, women tend to change their tastes when they're ovulating. 252 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:49,600 - Do you know about these studies? - No. 253 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:52,320 And they think it comes from our multi-partnering history where 254 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:55,840 essentially we pair up with guys who would make, if we're straight, 255 00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:58,080 good fathers, but when we're ovulating, 256 00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:00,400 we fancy something a big bigger and rougher. 257 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:02,720 - The one with the scar. - Yeah. 258 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:04,840 It depends how we got the scar, really. 259 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:09,240 My scar is from a clutch pedal going through my leg on a lorry. 260 00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:10,720 But that's not interesting... 261 00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:12,200 # Sexy! # 262 00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:16,320 This is why we've sat you two far apart. 263 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:21,040 I don't go around saying, "No, this scar was from saving 264 00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:23,600 "a school bus full of children and a tiger came." 265 00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:25,480 That would be quite good. That's a good scar. 266 00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:26,920 But, "I had an accident in a lorry 267 00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:29,920 "and the clutch pedal went through my leg" is dreary, don't you think? 268 00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:32,240 You say that but I'm actually ovulating at the moment 269 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:33,680 and I find it... 270 00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:36,120 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 271 00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:43,480 Anybody think women did duelling, or just a boy's thing? 272 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:46,600 Have you been to the Bigg Market in Newcastle on a Saturday night? 273 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:49,680 I hope that women did do duelling as well. 274 00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:52,920 Yeah, they did. It was called petticoat duels 275 00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:54,760 and possibly the most famous... 276 00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:57,040 ALAN MIMICS GUNSHOT 277 00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:59,120 LAUGHTER 278 00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:04,960 A kind of a snatch-and-grab! 279 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:06,920 LAUGHTER 280 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,520 Never thought of hiding a pistol there. 281 00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:13,600 So the most famous one, 1892 in Austria, 282 00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:16,000 it was a topless duel... 283 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:18,880 Oh, that's brilliant! Channel 5, where are you? 284 00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:21,280 LAUGHTER 285 00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:24,640 ..between Princess Metternich and Countess Kielmannsegg 286 00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:27,280 and what I love about it, it's said to have been caused by 287 00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:29,480 a disagreement over a flower arrangement. 288 00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:30,960 Any excuse. 289 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:33,960 That sounds like, "Yeah, well, I don't like the flowers, 290 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:35,800 "so get your top off!" 291 00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:38,360 LAUGHTER 292 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:40,960 I'll duel you! 293 00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:44,040 Apparently both the women were worried that if they were wounded 294 00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:47,080 and some fabric got into the wound it would get infected. 295 00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:50,680 It's the very first emancipated duel, in that every single person 296 00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:53,160 who took part, all the seconds, the two duellers 297 00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:55,600 and indeed the medic, were all women. 298 00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:57,240 It's hard to say who won. 299 00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:59,440 The Princess, she was injured first, on the nose, 300 00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:01,360 so the Countess got first blood, as it were. 301 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:03,880 But she was then injured on the arm which is a better wound. 302 00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,920 So there's points for where you cut the person, then? 303 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:08,640 - Who does better. - OK. 304 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:10,880 As long as you come out with both your nipples 305 00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:12,400 I'm sure you'll be all right. 306 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:14,240 Oh! 307 00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:16,880 LAUGHTER 308 00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:21,000 Milk everywhere. 309 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:22,960 AUDIENCE GROANS 310 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:25,280 Boobs aren't full of milk! 311 00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:27,720 That's not why we have... 312 00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:30,320 Do you suppose that there's milk all the time? 313 00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:33,920 We've got a baby in the house, there's milk everywhere. 314 00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:38,520 Boobs are sometimes full of milk. 315 00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:40,880 Possibly not those four. 316 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,280 Perhaps they weren't at the time of the duel. 317 00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:45,520 LAUGHTER 318 00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:49,480 "Stop it!" 319 00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:51,320 "Stop it!" 320 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,040 "You are perforated." 321 00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:00,560 I often wonder how we get to where we do. 322 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:02,160 LAUGHTER 323 00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:05,240 The rule for German businessmen is, "You scratch my cheek 324 00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:10,160 "and I'll scratch yours." How can you tell a nob from a yob? 325 00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:12,880 So we were talking about PO pourri and POT pourri. 326 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:16,400 How would you know your upper-class from your not so upper-class? 327 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,640 Would they say he's a YOBE? 328 00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:21,120 A NOBE and a YOBE. 329 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,440 It is absolutely to do with what you say. 330 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:26,960 So in 1954 there was a linguistics professor at Aston University 331 00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:30,320 in Birmingham called Alan Ross. And he devised the terms 332 00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:33,080 U and non-U to distinguish speech patterns 333 00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:36,120 of the English upper classes and what they, unfortunately, called 334 00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:37,520 the lower social strata. 335 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:40,440 The following year, Nancy Mitford, the extraordinary... 336 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,720 one of the Mitford sisters - there she is on the right there 337 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:44,640 with her sisters Unity and Diana - 338 00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:47,440 she picked this up in an essay and she said that, nowadays, 339 00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:50,080 you couldn't tell the upper classes, cos they were no longer 340 00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:52,560 cleaner, richer or better-educated than anybody else. 341 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:54,440 It was principally by language, 342 00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:57,120 and this caused tremendous anxiety in the middle-classes. 343 00:15:57,120 --> 00:16:00,000 So the question is, would you use loo paper or toilet paper? 344 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:02,560 Bog roll! 345 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:04,520 LAUGHTER 346 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:06,840 Do you know, it really is an interesting question. 347 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,960 I was away last week, I was Namibia, and I went up to the man, 348 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:12,440 cos we were camping. I said, "Have you got any bog roll?" 349 00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:15,520 And he went, "What?" Like, it obviously doesn't work in Namibia. 350 00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:18,680 And I was actually flummoxed, thinking, "Now, what do I say?" 351 00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:20,200 What did you do, did you mime? 352 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:22,000 - Yes, I did. - Did you? 353 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,840 Rather than say loo roll. 354 00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:25,400 Which is just... I know. 355 00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,080 LAUGHTER 356 00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:31,080 That's the whole thing with powder rooms, wasn't it, 357 00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:34,200 so women never had to say where's the bathroom or the toilet. 358 00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:36,520 The best I heard from that, I had a girlfriend years ago, 359 00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:38,200 went to see a very posh friend of mine. 360 00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,880 And his mother, when she got there, this girlfriend of mine, said, 361 00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:43,680 "Would you like to look in a mirror?" 362 00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:46,400 Which means would you like to go and have a piss. But... 363 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:49,600 - What? - It can mean "Do you want a line of coke?" 364 00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:55,280 Depends what party you're at. 365 00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:59,920 - Here's an interesting fact about wiping your bum. - Yes. 366 00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:02,280 I worked this out on the last tour of mine, right. 367 00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:05,280 Half the population, right, when they're wiping their bottom, 368 00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:09,240 they stand up, a hand goes back and they wipe, right. 369 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:12,960 And the other half, they stay sat down and reach in and have a wipe. 370 00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:16,640 And the weirdest thing is one half, until I just said it now, 371 00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:19,640 didn't even know the other half existed. 372 00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:22,680 - How did you get inspired to start this survey? - Yeah. 373 00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:25,360 How did you know about the other people? 374 00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:26,960 I think I just walked in on someone. 375 00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:28,360 LAUGHTER 376 00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:30,200 I was like, "What are you doing?" 377 00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:32,840 "This is how you wipe your bum." I went, "It isn't, watch this." 378 00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:34,920 LAUGHTER 379 00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:38,080 So this is a survey based on two people? 380 00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:39,760 LAUGHTER 381 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:42,240 - I started mentioning it on tour. - Oh, started mentioning it... 382 00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:45,120 - And I noticed that... We'll do it now. - OK. - Right. 383 00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:46,680 LAUGHTER 384 00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:49,960 If you stand up after you've finished and wipe your bottom... 385 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:52,240 - Yeah. - ..give me a cheer. 386 00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:54,200 AUDIENCE CHEERS 387 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:56,520 If you stay sat down and reach in and wipe your bottom, 388 00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:58,480 - give us a cheer. - AUDIENCE CHEERS 389 00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:01,720 50-50. It's weird! It's weird! 390 00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:03,920 APPLAUSE 391 00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:08,520 I didn't think it is 50-50. 392 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:11,400 I thought the ones who sit down were a slightly camper noise. 393 00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:13,040 LAUGHTER 394 00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:15,800 When you go to a festival or any outdoor event, 395 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:19,160 what is it that causes somebody to sit down on the lavatory 396 00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:23,000 and then completely mess up all the rest of it? 397 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:25,440 "What shall I do with that? I'll throw it on the floor. 398 00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:28,840 "Then I'll completely unravel all the rest of the bog and then, 399 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:32,000 "somehow, get all that blue stuff all over the seat." 400 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:35,000 You think, do you do that at home? I mean, how...? 401 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,320 LSD! They're on LSD. 402 00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:40,080 Ah! 403 00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:41,920 LAUGHTER 404 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:51,800 APPLAUSE 405 00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:54,400 I'm in a blue box! 406 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:55,920 I'm more suspicious. 407 00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:59,080 I think they might have known that you were behind them in the queue. 408 00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:01,200 LAUGHTER 409 00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:03,480 It's every one of them! Every single one you ever go. 410 00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:05,160 They can't all imagine I'm in there. 411 00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:07,480 Although somebody did once push one of those things over 412 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,840 when I was in it. Yes, they did know it was me. 413 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:12,800 - Did they? - At least you can stand up. 414 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:15,560 For women it's really difficult because you sort of have to hover. 415 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:17,280 And I remember one time I went to the ladies, 416 00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:19,480 and the lock didn't quite work. This is a very tricky 417 00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:22,120 moment for a woman, because you have to sort of hover... 418 00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:23,880 LAUGHTER 419 00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:26,560 And I...so obsessed with not making a mess on the seat, I thought, 420 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,720 "Oh, sod it, I'll just sit down." And as I sat down 421 00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:31,080 the door burst open and a woman came straight in 422 00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:33,920 and she went, "Oh, I'm so sorry." And then she shut the door again. 423 00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:35,480 And then she burst it open again 424 00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:37,760 and she went, "You're Sandi Toksvig. Can I...?" 425 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:41,160 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 426 00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:44,480 "Give us a minute!" 427 00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:49,080 Let's find out which side of the tracks you were born on. 428 00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:50,920 Let's play Posh Or Becks. 429 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:53,200 SWINGING JAZZ-STYLE JINGLE 430 00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:57,600 Are you going to be Posh or are you going to be Becks? OK. 431 00:19:57,600 --> 00:20:00,120 Question, you get a bit squiffy at a do, 432 00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:02,600 what's the one thing you shouldn't do? 433 00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:06,120 Don't mention your allegiance to the Nazis. 434 00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:08,400 It depends which sister you're out with, really. 435 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:13,560 Is it anything to do with being ill? 436 00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:17,000 - No, it's to do with being argumentative. - Oh, don't... 437 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:18,640 So, don't have an argument. 438 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:21,760 What Nancy said was, "When drunk, gentlemen often become amorous, 439 00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:25,600 "or maudlin or vomit in public but they never become truculent." 440 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:29,040 So when you're drunk, next time, think, "I'm not doing truculent. 441 00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:30,680 "Truculent is not happening." 442 00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:33,840 So, tell me what you can see here 443 00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:35,640 and make sure you watch your Ps and Qs. 444 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:38,320 So, let's start on the left, what do you see? 445 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:41,120 - Tutu. - It's not to do with the clothing, it's to do with the... 446 00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:44,800 - Ballerina. - There are boys and there are... - Girls. - Girls. 447 00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:50,000 So, if you are posh, you pronounce girl to rhyme with hell. "Gehl." 448 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:53,040 Or Hal, "gal." Not to rhyme with curl, not girl. 449 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:54,320 That's a Bridgestone tyre, 450 00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:56,440 that's probably not relevant, though, is it? 451 00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:58,160 LAUGHTER 452 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:03,280 Nothing wrong with your eyes, Jeremy. 453 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:07,200 So, what's the next one, next to the gal, what's the next one? 454 00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:09,920 - That would be a golf ball. - It's a "gof" ball, though. - Absolutely. 455 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,480 I don't want to be technical as well 456 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:13,320 but golf balls aren't usually that big. 457 00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:17,000 No, it's really more for the purposes of illustration. 458 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:18,640 It depends where you're stood. 459 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:22,800 If you're stood down the fairway, it probably does look that big. 460 00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:26,280 - It is without the L if you are posh. - Gof? - Gof ball. 461 00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:28,760 Well, they're saying it wrong! 462 00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:32,120 I mean, that's not posh and common, that's right and wrong. 463 00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:34,800 It has got an L in it. 464 00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:38,560 I heard somebody refer the other day to the Alps as the "Awps". 465 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,320 The poshest person I've ever heard. 466 00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:42,800 What about the next one, what about the Bridgestone? 467 00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:44,760 - A "tahr". - Tahr. - Tahr. 468 00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:46,840 Tahr, yeah. And the next one? 469 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:50,960 "Larn." Larn. To rhyme with barn. 470 00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:52,240 You have to say these things 471 00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:54,280 as if you have got a "gof" ball in your mouth. 472 00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:59,240 Anyway, what's so darn shocking about this map? 473 00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:02,320 - Is "darn" important? - Darn is very important, yeah. 474 00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:05,400 - So it's something to do with knitting? - No, not that kind of darn. 475 00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:08,120 In the United States what might darn be for? 476 00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:10,040 - Darn! - Darn! - People who say "darn"? 477 00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:14,880 Yes, people who say "darn". It's a euphemism for "damn" from 1781. 478 00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:18,160 And this is its Gi-z score. 479 00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:19,760 OK. 480 00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:22,240 LAUGHTER 481 00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:24,680 It's statistics, people. 482 00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:26,480 LAUGHTER 483 00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:29,720 There was an analysis done of nine billion words in... 484 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:33,080 - Nine billion... - ..in America. - ..ejaculations! 485 00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:34,600 LAUGHTER 486 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:37,040 Blue's bad, but orange is really bad! 487 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:38,560 LAUGHTER 488 00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:43,920 Nine billion words in American tweets and then they geocoded them, 489 00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:46,480 so they analysed where they are, pinpointing it on a map. 490 00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:48,440 And then they displayed them as heat maps. 491 00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:49,960 So this is "darn". 492 00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:53,720 And if you look at the more the word is used, the darker the red colour. 493 00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:56,600 And the less it's used, the darker the blue. 494 00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:58,680 So it shows that darn is used very heavily 495 00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:01,280 in the northern-central states, well, in tweets, at the least. 496 00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:03,840 - Is that Kansas right in the middle? - Yes. 497 00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:07,120 Oklahoma's the one with the sticky-out side bit. 498 00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:09,960 - Yes, you've totally got the hang of America. - I know some of these. 499 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:12,600 Utah. I'm quite good at these. 500 00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:14,640 We don't know where you're pointing! 501 00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:20,920 New York, California, Florida. Got them all, got them all. 502 00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:22,880 The genius Joan Rivers said that 503 00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:26,480 intelligence was something to do with proximity to water. 504 00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:28,520 She said, "If you look at the United States, 505 00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:30,640 "you get a lot of clever people on the coast, 506 00:23:30,640 --> 00:23:33,400 "and then it goes clever, dumber, dumber, dumber, 507 00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:35,040 "Kansas." 508 00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:37,280 LAUGHTER 509 00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:38,920 So have a look at this one. 510 00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:41,880 What word do you think this map represents? 511 00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:44,480 It's another American swearword. 512 00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:45,760 "Golly". 513 00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:47,960 You're close, it's "gosh". 514 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:50,560 - Gosh. - Gosh. - Gosh darn! 515 00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:52,120 So heavily used around Texas - 516 00:23:52,120 --> 00:23:54,520 you can see where the red is and hardly at all up in New England. 517 00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:56,760 They don't use "gosh" very much. 518 00:23:56,760 --> 00:23:59,800 - I like these ones. - Is this words that people use when they jizz? 519 00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:02,080 Is that what it is? 520 00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:03,840 - LAUGHTER - "Gosh!" 521 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:07,000 LAUGHTER 522 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:08,880 "Gosh darn it! 523 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:10,520 "I'm sorry, Miss Ellen." 524 00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:14,520 This show's changing, isn't it? 525 00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:16,960 Yeah. And I'm just trying to wrestle it back. 526 00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:18,760 So have a look at this one. 527 00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:20,240 Very heavily used in New England, 528 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:22,200 hardly used in the south-east at all. 529 00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:23,960 - Goddamn! - It's "asshole"! 530 00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:25,800 - Asshole. - Asshole. Of course. 531 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:27,680 - That and... - Do they not use it, then? 532 00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:30,000 - They don't say "asshole" in Arkansas? - Georgia. 533 00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:32,800 - Or the Carolinas? - Not used in Florida. 534 00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:37,120 - It's not used in Montana, cos there's nobody there. - That's true. 535 00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:40,040 It's not often you see a map of the Gi-z score for "asshole", is it? 536 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:42,000 LAUGHTER 537 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:43,840 Not now Stephen's gone. 538 00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:46,960 LAUGHTER 539 00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:49,600 So here's the question. 540 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:53,080 Do you think that people who swear a lot are more articulate 541 00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:55,120 or less articulate? 542 00:24:55,120 --> 00:24:56,560 - More. - Why? 543 00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:58,120 Cos they've got more words. 544 00:24:58,120 --> 00:25:00,280 That's exactly right. No, it's exactly right. 545 00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:02,240 Like "wank" and "bloody", and things like that. 546 00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:04,240 People who don't swear haven't got those words. 547 00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:05,640 You were doing so well, 548 00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:08,560 and now you're hardly going to appear in the programme at all. 549 00:25:08,560 --> 00:25:11,240 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 550 00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:14,560 - It's just going to be you going, "What?" - What? 551 00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:18,240 It's since I started wearing cardigans my ears have gone wrong. 552 00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:20,840 - Is that what it is? - Yeah. - I think you're putting them on wrong. 553 00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:22,680 LAUGHTER 554 00:25:24,360 --> 00:25:26,080 No, there's a swearing fluency test, 555 00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:28,520 and if you do the test and you ask people to write down how many 556 00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:30,640 swear words they can think of in two minutes, 557 00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:33,400 the people who will succeed best are the people who are the most 558 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:36,360 articulate, although it depends what language you speak, so Japanese, 559 00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:38,000 very, very few swear words. 560 00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:41,120 Dutch bargees, they can swear uninterrupted, most of them, 561 00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:43,720 for two minutes without repetition or hesitation. 562 00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:46,280 - Can they really? - Yeah. Dutch is really good. 563 00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:49,440 - They've got, what's that word, "Swaffelen". - What does it mean? 564 00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:52,160 Well, you certainly couldn't say it on Dutch television. 565 00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:57,000 It means to bang your penis against the Taj Mahal. 566 00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:59,600 LAUGHTER 567 00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:06,280 Who amongst us hasn't had that urge? 568 00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:09,920 Jeremy, when I finish this show, 569 00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:12,560 if I get into trouble for googling that, I'm coming after you. 570 00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:15,360 LAUGHTER 571 00:26:15,360 --> 00:26:19,160 - How many swear words roughly do you think we have in English? - 200. - 48. 572 00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:23,640 - I'd say 107. - Yeah, but you invented about half of them. 573 00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:27,280 - Borrowed from the Dutch. - Alan's the closest, actually only about 20. 574 00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:29,680 It is actually not as many as you'd think. 575 00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:32,440 The people who had the most swear words were the Romans. 576 00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:36,000 They had about 800. So if you compare that to our 20... 577 00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:37,400 We're doing all right. 578 00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:40,160 We use swear words between 0.3 and 0.7% of the time. 579 00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:41,960 Actually, it's not all that common. 580 00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:46,720 - I think Jeremy's listing swear words. - I'm way past 20. - Are you? 581 00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:49,280 - JASON: - Press the red button now to see what they all are. 582 00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:51,040 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 583 00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:59,720 Can you make sure that for the next recording, this book's thrown away? 584 00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:02,480 It's just that anyone who opens it up is going to be 585 00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:04,760 a bit surprised by what I've written down there. 586 00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:06,160 You could just sign it, Jeremy, 587 00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:08,320 and then nobody would be the least bit surprised. 588 00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:10,680 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 589 00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:14,680 Anyway. Moving on. 590 00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:17,280 What can't you have knobs on in Canada? 591 00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:19,680 - Furniture. - Sort of. 592 00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:21,840 It's against the law in some places. 593 00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:24,440 Isn't everything against the law in Canada, really? 594 00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:28,160 They're very polite, Canadians, they're like America with manners. 595 00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:31,040 They are incredibly nice and Vancouver always wins the best place 596 00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:34,080 in the world to live, because nothing ever happens there. 597 00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:36,400 - OK, so it is Vancouver that we need to be in. - Oh. 598 00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:38,440 And it was a law passed in 2014. 599 00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:40,320 - Doorknobs. - Doorknobs, yes. 600 00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:43,600 You cannot have doorknobs at all in Vancouver. 601 00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:46,160 - Are they trapped inside? - They can't get out. 602 00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:47,680 LAUGHTER 603 00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:51,120 Has anyone heard from anyone from Vancouver in the last year? 604 00:27:51,120 --> 00:27:53,680 "It's the best place to live in the world, 605 00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:55,360 "we won't let you out again!" 606 00:27:55,360 --> 00:27:57,680 No new buildings, domestic or commercial, is allowed to have 607 00:27:57,680 --> 00:28:00,520 doorknobs on them. They can only have levers. Why might that be? 608 00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:03,160 Is it when it gets caught in your pocket as you wander past? 609 00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:04,440 Really annoying, isn't it? 610 00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:07,160 No, it's to do with the elderly and the infirm. 611 00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:09,360 - They can't turn the knobs. - Arthritic hands. 612 00:28:09,360 --> 00:28:12,200 Yes! The idea is to make all buildings work for everybody, 613 00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:14,280 so that you don't have doorknobs any more. 614 00:28:14,280 --> 00:28:16,600 Anyway, a year before the ban was introduced 615 00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:19,320 there was a pro-knob lobby. 616 00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:24,480 Who were up in arms about the incursions of the nanny state. 617 00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:29,320 And the president of the Antique Doorknob Collectors Of America, 618 00:28:29,320 --> 00:28:31,880 Allen Joslyn, said, "To say that when I build my private home 619 00:28:31,880 --> 00:28:34,360 "and nobody is disabled, that I have to put levers on 620 00:28:34,360 --> 00:28:36,120 "strikes me as overreach." 621 00:28:36,120 --> 00:28:38,920 And they do have one rather telling objection, 622 00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:41,440 because the advantage of door levers is not restricted to 623 00:28:41,440 --> 00:28:44,520 the old and the infirm. So, operating a doorknob requires 624 00:28:44,520 --> 00:28:48,240 - pronation and supination of the wrist. - Yeah, a dog can get in. 625 00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:49,920 That's the point. 626 00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:52,360 To be fair, that dog deserves to be able to open a door. 627 00:28:52,360 --> 00:28:53,800 Yeah, that's true. 628 00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:56,160 - If that's skills he's got. - But they prefer levers to knobs 629 00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:58,160 because if you haven't got an opposable thumb 630 00:28:58,160 --> 00:28:59,520 you can't possibly work it. 631 00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:02,840 However, there is a county in Colorado, Pitkin County, 632 00:29:02,840 --> 00:29:05,960 which has gone the opposite way to Vancouver and banned all levers. 633 00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:08,120 You can only have doorknobs. Why might that be? 634 00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:10,040 - Bears. - Absolutely right. It is bears. 635 00:29:10,040 --> 00:29:13,120 Look at them. "We can't get in, what are we going to do?" 636 00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:16,160 "I'll pick you up. You go through the window." 637 00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:19,800 LAUGHTER 638 00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:22,840 If you want to keep bears and old people out of your house, 639 00:29:22,840 --> 00:29:26,960 hang on to your doorknobs. And now to one of nature's aristocrats. 640 00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:31,760 - Alan, would you say you were nice and natural? - Yes. 641 00:29:31,760 --> 00:29:33,240 KLAXON 642 00:29:34,880 --> 00:29:37,520 Oh, you're doing yourself down, that's the trouble. 643 00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:40,320 Oh, I'm not nice or natural? Look at that idiot. 644 00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:43,520 So, the word nice has completely reversed its meaning. 645 00:29:43,520 --> 00:29:46,320 It used to be an insult, it's the nasty thing you'd say to somebody. 646 00:29:46,320 --> 00:29:48,720 Yeah, it's derived from the Latin for ignorant 647 00:29:48,720 --> 00:29:50,840 and it originally meant foolish or silly, 648 00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:52,960 and up until the 17th century 649 00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:55,440 to call somebody nice was always critical and negative. 650 00:29:55,440 --> 00:29:56,800 It could also mean wanton. 651 00:29:56,800 --> 00:29:59,120 And then in 17th, 18th century, you begin to get 652 00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:01,640 the modern sense of the word as being a nice thing. 653 00:30:01,640 --> 00:30:05,160 - They started to appreciate wanton people a bit more. - Exactly. 654 00:30:05,160 --> 00:30:06,360 "She's nice." 655 00:30:06,360 --> 00:30:08,800 - "Oh, thanks." - Yes, she is. 656 00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:11,880 And an earlier meaning of a natural was a born fool or idiot. 657 00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:13,960 That's our family at Christmas. 658 00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:17,120 LAUGHTER 659 00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:21,920 So, there used to be a natural idiot or a natural fool, 660 00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:23,200 that used to be the thing. 661 00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:25,680 Now a natural is a person who is naturally talented, 662 00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:28,200 - you say, he's a natural at doing something. - The natural. 663 00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:31,320 - Anybody remember the term "The necessary?" - Lavatorial, wasn't it? 664 00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:33,720 Yes, so a necessary woman was a lavatory attendant, 665 00:30:33,720 --> 00:30:35,760 - somebody who worked in the loo. - Oh, really? 666 00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:38,880 But there seems to be a tendency for words meaning fool 667 00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:40,440 to start with an N. 668 00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:43,040 Have a look at this list of words and see if you can spot 669 00:30:43,040 --> 00:30:45,760 whether any of them don't mean fool. 670 00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:48,000 Numpty, nincompoop. Noddy. 671 00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:50,360 - They're great, aren't they? - Ninny-whoop, I like that one. 672 00:30:50,360 --> 00:30:52,760 - Which one did you say not? - Noddy. 673 00:30:52,760 --> 00:30:56,320 No, there's only one that doesn't meaning fool. What did you say? 674 00:30:56,320 --> 00:30:59,200 - Ning-nang. - Ning-nang, it was a useless racehorse. 675 00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:01,200 Gosh darn ning-nang! 676 00:31:01,200 --> 00:31:02,680 Goddamn ning-nang! 677 00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:06,120 In the old days, nice and natural meant stupid, twice over. 678 00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:09,560 What should have won a Nobel Prize but didn't? 679 00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:12,280 Oh. Rosalind Franklin. 680 00:31:12,280 --> 00:31:15,520 - Ah, well, people do say that because of DNA. - Yes. 681 00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:17,440 In fact the absolute case of it is that 682 00:31:17,440 --> 00:31:19,440 they never awarded them posthumously 683 00:31:19,440 --> 00:31:22,120 - and she had already passed away. - She'd already died. 684 00:31:22,120 --> 00:31:25,800 But it's somebody unbelievably famous, a scientific discovery. 685 00:31:25,800 --> 00:31:28,400 - Einstein. - General relativity. - It is absolutely Einstein 686 00:31:28,400 --> 00:31:33,200 - and it's the theory of? - Relativity. - The theory of relativity is right. 687 00:31:33,200 --> 00:31:34,760 - APPLAUSE - She said that. 688 00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:36,960 Did you say it? I didn't hear, I apologise. 689 00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:38,960 Deafness is a cruel mistress. 690 00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:42,440 He did win the physics prize 691 00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:45,120 but it was for his work on the photoelectric effect. 692 00:31:45,120 --> 00:31:46,760 He just didn't get the one for... 693 00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:49,480 He won the prize for rubbing balloons on your head 694 00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:50,960 and sticking them to the ceiling. 695 00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:54,200 So, Einstein was nominated every year for a decade 696 00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:56,400 - for his work on relativity. - Oh, wow. 697 00:31:56,400 --> 00:31:59,480 - He's like the Leonardo DiCaprio of his day. - Yeah. 698 00:31:59,480 --> 00:32:02,560 And he really needed to win because he had promised the prize money 699 00:32:02,560 --> 00:32:05,680 as part of the divorce settlement to his wife. 700 00:32:05,680 --> 00:32:07,720 That's a brilliant one to tell the lawyers. 701 00:32:07,720 --> 00:32:10,960 "I'm going to win the Nobel Prize, I'll be all right." 702 00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:12,880 - Quite confident. - But because there was 703 00:32:12,880 --> 00:32:15,160 no experimental confirmation of his theory, 704 00:32:15,160 --> 00:32:18,280 and also because there's, possibly there was an anti-Semitic faction, 705 00:32:18,280 --> 00:32:20,320 they just excluded him every single year. 706 00:32:20,320 --> 00:32:23,200 Then in 1919, a man called Arthur Eddington 707 00:32:23,200 --> 00:32:26,480 measured the defection of light during a solar eclipse 708 00:32:26,480 --> 00:32:29,840 and he proved what Einstein had been saying four years earlier. 709 00:32:29,840 --> 00:32:33,720 And even so, they cast Eddington's measurements into doubt 710 00:32:33,720 --> 00:32:36,520 and then they gave him the physics prize for something different, 711 00:32:36,520 --> 00:32:39,400 they just didn't want to give it to him for the theory of relativity. 712 00:32:39,400 --> 00:32:43,200 Anyway, what's great is that when news of Eddington's experiment broke, 713 00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:48,360 the New York Times sent their only reporter in London to meet him. 714 00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:52,320 It was a man called Henry Crouch and he was their golf correspondent. 715 00:32:53,720 --> 00:32:58,920 And he hadn't the faintest idea what Eddington was talking about. 716 00:32:58,920 --> 00:33:02,640 So he filed the most classic bit of hope-for-the-best journalese. 717 00:33:02,640 --> 00:33:05,760 He wrote, "Lights all askew in the heavens, 718 00:33:05,760 --> 00:33:07,680 "men of science more or less agog 719 00:33:07,680 --> 00:33:10,040 "over results of eclipse observations. 720 00:33:10,040 --> 00:33:13,680 "Einstein theory triumphs, stars not where they seemed 721 00:33:13,680 --> 00:33:16,640 "or were calculated to be but nobody need worry." 722 00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:19,600 LAUGHTER 723 00:33:19,600 --> 00:33:21,160 Very good. 724 00:33:21,160 --> 00:33:24,440 - That was very lively journalism for the period. - It was great, wasn't it? 725 00:33:24,440 --> 00:33:28,200 - From a golf correspondent. - Very good journalism. - It is wonderful. 726 00:33:28,200 --> 00:33:30,680 The theory of relativity never got a Nobel Prize 727 00:33:30,680 --> 00:33:32,280 because it was only a theory. 728 00:33:32,280 --> 00:33:34,440 What did the royal families of Europe 729 00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:37,640 wear under their uniforms during the 19th century? 730 00:33:37,640 --> 00:33:39,000 Pot pourri. 731 00:33:39,000 --> 00:33:41,680 They were naked. 732 00:33:41,680 --> 00:33:44,440 No! KLAXON 733 00:33:44,440 --> 00:33:46,680 They had rather fine underwear. 734 00:33:46,680 --> 00:33:50,040 - Armour. - What was the question? I've forgotten this one as well. 735 00:33:50,040 --> 00:33:53,040 What did royal families of Europe wear 736 00:33:53,040 --> 00:33:57,120 - under their uniforms during the 19th century? - Silk undies. 737 00:33:57,120 --> 00:34:00,680 It's closer to the skin even than your underwear. 738 00:34:00,680 --> 00:34:02,240 Lice. 739 00:34:02,240 --> 00:34:05,000 LAUGHTER 740 00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:07,360 Just loads of lice moving around. 741 00:34:07,360 --> 00:34:11,320 That that's even a thought in your head is a worry. 742 00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:13,120 No. Decorative. 743 00:34:13,120 --> 00:34:15,760 - Tattoos. - Tattoos is exactly right. 744 00:34:15,760 --> 00:34:17,640 There was a craze for tattoos. 745 00:34:17,640 --> 00:34:21,800 According to the Harmsworth monthly pictorial magazine, 746 00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:25,560 the Grand Duke Alexei of Russia was most elaborately tattooed. 747 00:34:25,560 --> 00:34:28,520 And they were lots of them - Prince and Princess Valdemar of Denmark, 748 00:34:28,520 --> 00:34:31,160 Queen Olga of Greece, King Oscar of Sweden, 749 00:34:31,160 --> 00:34:33,160 the Grand Duke Konstantin 750 00:34:33,160 --> 00:34:36,080 and, in fact, also in the UK, King Edward VII, 751 00:34:36,080 --> 00:34:37,880 and his son George V. 752 00:34:37,880 --> 00:34:41,320 Edward VII had five crosses, which he had done on a visit to Jerusalem 753 00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:44,040 when he was the Prince of Wales, when he was 20. 754 00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:46,640 And then George, his son, had the same design done 755 00:34:46,640 --> 00:34:48,480 by the same artist 20 years later. 756 00:34:48,480 --> 00:34:51,240 And my favourite story features a random Scandinavian, 757 00:34:51,240 --> 00:34:53,200 a Randy Scandi of sorts, 758 00:34:53,200 --> 00:34:57,000 Napoleon's marshal, Jean-Baptiste Jules Bernadotte, 759 00:34:57,000 --> 00:35:00,760 he was a revolutionary firebrand, and he rose to become 760 00:35:00,760 --> 00:35:03,280 King of Sweden and Norway, 761 00:35:03,280 --> 00:35:05,240 and had turned against Napoleon. 762 00:35:05,240 --> 00:35:08,160 He reigned for 26 years after Bonaparte's deposition and 763 00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:13,000 while he was king he never allowed doctors to see his naked torso. 764 00:35:13,000 --> 00:35:15,800 And there is a reason, that became apparent after death, 765 00:35:15,800 --> 00:35:18,640 when he was found to have a tattoo from his revolutionary days 766 00:35:18,640 --> 00:35:20,840 that said, "Death to kings"! 767 00:35:20,840 --> 00:35:23,000 LAUGHTER 768 00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:25,800 And his heirs are the royal family of Sweden to this day. 769 00:35:25,800 --> 00:35:28,800 Wow. I mean, a lot of people do regret tattoos, don't they? 770 00:35:28,800 --> 00:35:30,120 Have you got any tattoos? 771 00:35:30,120 --> 00:35:33,040 I haven't, no, I've never really liked my body so much 772 00:35:33,040 --> 00:35:35,880 that I thought, "Oh, I'll decorate that." 773 00:35:35,880 --> 00:35:38,640 LAUGHTER 774 00:35:38,640 --> 00:35:41,320 But I did see a guy in our local pub once that had a tattoo here 775 00:35:41,320 --> 00:35:43,920 that said, "Sarah," 776 00:35:43,920 --> 00:35:47,600 and then it was crossed out and then underneath it it said, "Chloe". 777 00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:49,520 Oh, I remember him. 778 00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:55,280 - All these regrets. - Damn you, Chloe! - Chloe can have him. 779 00:35:57,080 --> 00:35:59,640 Some people are very passionate vegans, 780 00:35:59,640 --> 00:36:02,440 and they get a tattoo about their veganism, 781 00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:06,080 and tattoos are made from burned animal bones. 782 00:36:06,080 --> 00:36:08,240 So themselves not vegan. 783 00:36:09,720 --> 00:36:12,160 So you can go in and say, "I'd like a vegan tattoo, please?" 784 00:36:12,160 --> 00:36:16,760 - Or go to a special... - No, please tell me there aren't vegan tattoo places. 785 00:36:16,760 --> 00:36:19,640 - There are, really? - Yes. - That's very funny. 786 00:36:20,920 --> 00:36:24,480 That's 1,200 words in the Sunday Times next week right there. 787 00:36:24,480 --> 00:36:26,720 LAUGHTER 788 00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:34,400 - All life is material, Jeremy. - It is basically, basically. 789 00:36:34,400 --> 00:36:36,960 Anyway, lots of kings have had tattoos, 790 00:36:36,960 --> 00:36:39,400 but we can't show you any for regal reasons! 791 00:36:39,400 --> 00:36:41,200 AUDIENCE GROANS 792 00:36:41,200 --> 00:36:44,640 - All right, that's enough! - Thank you. 793 00:36:44,640 --> 00:36:46,440 Now let's look at a noble gas. 794 00:36:46,440 --> 00:36:48,840 What gas is being used to light up this sign? 795 00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:50,400 It's neon, Sandi. 796 00:36:50,400 --> 00:36:52,560 LARGE BELL CHIMES 797 00:36:52,560 --> 00:36:54,760 KLAXON 798 00:36:57,080 --> 00:36:59,440 - Well, now, hang on a minute. - What were you going to say? 799 00:36:59,440 --> 00:37:01,600 - I was actually going to say oxygen. - No. 800 00:37:01,600 --> 00:37:04,760 KLAXON 801 00:37:04,760 --> 00:37:07,600 I actually thought I was going to get through my first-ever QI 802 00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:10,760 - without one of those things. I blew it, that's it. - Sorry about that. 803 00:37:10,760 --> 00:37:12,640 - Anybody else? - I was going to say argon. 804 00:37:12,640 --> 00:37:15,040 - It is argon, you're absolutely right. - Yes! 805 00:37:15,040 --> 00:37:18,440 - APPLAUSE - Hey! Thank you. 806 00:37:18,440 --> 00:37:21,160 So, it depends on what colour you what, that's the thing, 807 00:37:21,160 --> 00:37:22,960 not all neon signs contain neon. 808 00:37:22,960 --> 00:37:24,920 Neon, of course, one of the noble gases, 809 00:37:24,920 --> 00:37:27,880 so called because they don't react with other elements. 810 00:37:27,880 --> 00:37:30,760 They rather hold themselves aloof from the other compounds. 811 00:37:30,760 --> 00:37:32,160 They do not become truculent 812 00:37:32,160 --> 00:37:35,000 no matter how much they've had to drink. 813 00:37:35,000 --> 00:37:37,760 And several of the noble gases are used in lighting. 814 00:37:37,760 --> 00:37:39,560 So if you wanted to use neon, 815 00:37:39,560 --> 00:37:42,080 that would give a very distinctive red light. 816 00:37:42,080 --> 00:37:44,200 There are other colours produced by other elements. 817 00:37:44,200 --> 00:37:46,120 Or you could just colour the glass of the tube, 818 00:37:46,120 --> 00:37:49,280 that's the other way, I suppose, you could manage to do this. 819 00:37:49,280 --> 00:37:52,080 Now we descend from the airy mansions of the nobility 820 00:37:52,080 --> 00:37:54,760 to the bleak basement that is general ignorance. 821 00:37:54,760 --> 00:37:56,200 Fingers on buzzers, please. 822 00:37:56,200 --> 00:37:58,600 What was this person's first name? 823 00:37:58,600 --> 00:38:01,160 - Victoria. - It is Queen Victoria... 824 00:38:01,160 --> 00:38:03,680 KLAXON 825 00:38:05,120 --> 00:38:07,440 - ..but it isn't her first name. - Oh! 826 00:38:07,440 --> 00:38:10,040 She was born on 24th May... 827 00:38:10,040 --> 00:38:11,520 Brian. 828 00:38:11,520 --> 00:38:13,280 LAUGHTER 829 00:38:13,280 --> 00:38:14,760 ..and christened Brian. 830 00:38:16,160 --> 00:38:18,680 Could it be something, Gertrude or something German? 831 00:38:18,680 --> 00:38:21,240 It's Alexandrina. 832 00:38:21,240 --> 00:38:24,280 She was named both after her godfather, Alexander I of Russia, 833 00:38:24,280 --> 00:38:27,200 and her mother as well. When she was a child she was known as Drina... 834 00:38:27,200 --> 00:38:29,480 - Are you writing that down as well? - Yeah, it's nice. 835 00:38:29,480 --> 00:38:32,320 He's got swear words and you're writing down history, which I like. 836 00:38:32,320 --> 00:38:34,680 And when she became Queen, so 1837, 837 00:38:34,680 --> 00:38:37,720 in the official documents she is originally Alexandrina Victoria, 838 00:38:37,720 --> 00:38:40,360 and then she decided that she wanted her first name removed 839 00:38:40,360 --> 00:38:42,040 and never to be used again. 840 00:38:42,040 --> 00:38:44,600 But I think it was part of her wanting to be her own person, 841 00:38:44,600 --> 00:38:46,920 because her very first royal act, when she was 18, 842 00:38:46,920 --> 00:38:48,000 and she became queen, 843 00:38:48,000 --> 00:38:50,640 was to have her bed moved out of her mother's bedroom 844 00:38:50,640 --> 00:38:52,240 and to have her own bedroom. 845 00:38:52,240 --> 00:38:54,800 That is quite old to still be sleeping in your mum's room. 846 00:38:54,800 --> 00:38:57,880 - Especially if you're queen. - Fair play, I'm in charge now. 847 00:38:57,880 --> 00:39:00,400 It's weird when you get to know the nicknames that people have. 848 00:39:00,400 --> 00:39:02,920 So in 2000, Nancy Reagan published a collection of letters 849 00:39:02,920 --> 00:39:06,640 between herself and Ronnie, who was her husband for 52 years. 850 00:39:06,640 --> 00:39:08,840 And the pet names are just excruciating. 851 00:39:08,840 --> 00:39:13,320 Little Mommy, Your In-Love Gov, First Papa, Prexy, 852 00:39:13,320 --> 00:39:15,280 and my favourite, Mommy Poo-Pants. 853 00:39:15,280 --> 00:39:18,080 - Oh. - That was one of the later ones. 854 00:39:18,080 --> 00:39:20,600 LAUGHTER 855 00:39:21,800 --> 00:39:25,800 - I've got a little bit of sick in my mouth. - Have you? - A little bit. 856 00:39:25,800 --> 00:39:29,040 The Victorians were nearly the Drinians. 857 00:39:29,040 --> 00:39:33,200 Under the Emperor Diocletian, the Roman Empire had four capitals, 858 00:39:33,200 --> 00:39:35,120 please, name two of them. 859 00:39:35,120 --> 00:39:37,200 Constantinople? 860 00:39:37,200 --> 00:39:39,000 KLAXON 861 00:39:39,000 --> 00:39:41,040 No. Any more for any more? 862 00:39:41,040 --> 00:39:42,520 Not Constantinople. 863 00:39:42,520 --> 00:39:44,120 - Rome. - What had four capitals? 864 00:39:44,120 --> 00:39:46,640 KLAXON The Roman Empire. 865 00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:49,840 - London? - Not Rome, not London. 866 00:39:49,840 --> 00:39:52,200 Keep going, I don't think you're going to guess. 867 00:39:52,200 --> 00:39:53,960 Venice, Tripoli, Florence. 868 00:39:53,960 --> 00:39:55,560 Something Germania. 869 00:39:55,560 --> 00:39:58,160 When he came to power, so 284 AD, 870 00:39:58,160 --> 00:40:00,080 the Roman Empire, it was threatened to collapse 871 00:40:00,080 --> 00:40:03,560 and he did this brilliant thing. He decided to do a tetrarchy, 872 00:40:03,560 --> 00:40:06,720 and that is to be ruled by four emperors. 873 00:40:06,720 --> 00:40:08,920 And so he had four capitals. 874 00:40:08,920 --> 00:40:12,040 They were Nicomedia, which is in modern-day Turkey, 875 00:40:12,040 --> 00:40:14,440 Sirmium, in modern-day Serbia. 876 00:40:14,440 --> 00:40:17,120 Mediolanum, which is modern-day Milan. 877 00:40:17,120 --> 00:40:20,160 And Augusta Treverorum, modern-day Trier. 878 00:40:20,160 --> 00:40:22,520 And actually it worked so well 879 00:40:22,520 --> 00:40:26,080 that Diocletian was the very first emperor to be able to retire. 880 00:40:26,080 --> 00:40:28,600 He retired to the Dalmatian coast, 881 00:40:28,600 --> 00:40:31,000 so that's modern-day Croatia, and he grew vegetables. 882 00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:33,680 So that's the real moral about outsourcing. 883 00:40:33,680 --> 00:40:35,200 - Yes. - Don't get too stressed, 884 00:40:35,200 --> 00:40:37,840 - give other people your job and grow some vegetables. - Franchise! 885 00:40:37,840 --> 00:40:39,720 - JASON: - Just delegate, man. - Yeah. - Chill out. 886 00:40:39,720 --> 00:40:44,400 Now, which is the BBC's most popular television export? 887 00:40:44,400 --> 00:40:46,560 - Oh. - Oh. 888 00:40:48,760 --> 00:40:50,760 Doctor Who. 889 00:40:50,760 --> 00:40:53,240 KLAXON 890 00:40:53,240 --> 00:40:56,800 - I think I know this. - Doctor Who is the most popular drama. 891 00:40:56,800 --> 00:40:59,120 So the BBC's most popular export? 892 00:40:59,120 --> 00:41:01,360 Yes, the BBC's most popular television export. 893 00:41:01,360 --> 00:41:02,440 Television, not World... 894 00:41:02,440 --> 00:41:04,800 More than any other series in the last 40 years. 895 00:41:04,800 --> 00:41:06,760 It's not Keeping Up Appearances, is it? 896 00:41:06,760 --> 00:41:10,680 - It is absolutely Keeping Up Appearances. - Gasps of amazement! 897 00:41:10,680 --> 00:41:15,440 - Hyacinth Bucket?! - Yes, that gentle comedy of social snobbery. 898 00:41:15,440 --> 00:41:18,120 - How do you know that? - I just remember reading it. 899 00:41:18,120 --> 00:41:20,960 It's very popular in Scandinavia and Eastern Europe, 900 00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:24,120 in fact Denmark has just placed another order for the show, 901 00:41:24,120 --> 00:41:26,640 and it's subtitled, they also have dubbed versions. 902 00:41:26,640 --> 00:41:28,920 Do they like it because no-one dies? 903 00:41:28,920 --> 00:41:31,560 No-one gets murdered, it's so ground-breaking. 904 00:41:31,560 --> 00:41:33,440 It's very different to the Game of Thrones 905 00:41:33,440 --> 00:41:34,920 in that regard, it really is. 906 00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:38,920 Attenborough is very popular with monkeys because of his wooden cock. 907 00:41:38,920 --> 00:41:41,400 LAUGHTER 908 00:41:47,400 --> 00:41:50,680 I do my best to steer this show. 909 00:41:50,680 --> 00:41:53,080 Even then, even then you couldn't hear very well, 910 00:41:53,080 --> 00:41:54,840 look at you, you're going, "What?" 911 00:41:54,840 --> 00:41:57,960 The hair had been blown out of my ears. 912 00:41:57,960 --> 00:42:01,520 It also looks like Billie Piper's looking at it. 913 00:42:01,520 --> 00:42:03,040 "Doctor, what is it?" 914 00:42:03,040 --> 00:42:04,920 "It's Attenborough's wooden cock." 915 00:42:07,320 --> 00:42:12,120 All of which brings us to the scores. 916 00:42:12,120 --> 00:42:14,960 Well, a fantastic and outright winner, 917 00:42:14,960 --> 00:42:16,880 in first place with eight points, 918 00:42:16,880 --> 00:42:18,440 it's Jason! 919 00:42:18,440 --> 00:42:20,520 APPLAUSE 920 00:42:20,520 --> 00:42:22,120 You'd better check them! 921 00:42:22,120 --> 00:42:24,120 In second place with minus five, 922 00:42:24,120 --> 00:42:25,760 it's Jeremy. 923 00:42:25,760 --> 00:42:27,400 Thank you so much. 924 00:42:27,400 --> 00:42:29,920 - APPLAUSE - Thank you. 925 00:42:29,920 --> 00:42:32,360 In third place, minus 21, Sara. 926 00:42:32,360 --> 00:42:35,840 CHEERING 927 00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:39,040 And with a commendable minus 64... 928 00:42:39,040 --> 00:42:40,560 LAUGHTER 929 00:42:40,560 --> 00:42:42,080 Alan! 930 00:42:42,080 --> 00:42:46,520 APPLAUSE 931 00:42:51,280 --> 00:42:54,520 It only remains for me to thank Sara, Jason, Jeremy and Alan. 932 00:42:54,520 --> 00:42:57,800 And finally, in case you're feeling envious of the nobility, 933 00:42:57,800 --> 00:42:59,920 spare a thought for Lord Ivy. 934 00:42:59,920 --> 00:43:02,520 The head of the Guinness family in the 1980s 935 00:43:02,520 --> 00:43:05,800 was injured in a traffic accident in Dublin and taken to hospital. 936 00:43:05,800 --> 00:43:09,920 Under the Irish system, people earning more than £11,000 a year 937 00:43:09,920 --> 00:43:12,520 had to pay for their treatment, so when he arrived they asked him, 938 00:43:12,520 --> 00:43:14,680 "Do you earn £11,000?" 939 00:43:14,680 --> 00:43:17,720 To which he replied, "Some days I do, some days I don't." 940 00:43:17,720 --> 00:43:19,560 Toodle-pip!