1 00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:24,920 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:33,560 How very kind. 3 00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:37,560 How lovely. Thank you very much... 4 00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:40,560 and welcome to QI, where tonight, 5 00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:42,960 we are turning positively negative, 6 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:46,880 in the "Not Nearly, Nearly Not, Neither and No" show. 7 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,080 So let's meet our naysayers - 8 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:52,640 the never-knowingly under-funny Gyles Brandreth. 9 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:56,000 APPLAUSE 10 00:00:56,000 --> 00:01:00,560 And the nearly perfect Jimmy Carr. APPLAUSE 11 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,920 Thanks very much! 12 00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:09,680 The not-half-bad Victoria Coren Mitchell. 13 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:12,760 APPLAUSE 14 00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:19,120 And no, no, no, no, no... 15 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:20,480 yes. 16 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:21,680 It's Alan Davies! 17 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:25,640 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 18 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:32,040 And why not hear their buzzers? Jimmy goes... 19 00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:34,520 # Na na na na, na na na na na 20 00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:37,440 # Na na na na na, na na na na na. # 21 00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:39,360 And Victoria goes... 22 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:41,560 # No no # No-no, no no 23 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:43,000 # No-no, no no 24 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:45,560 # No no There's no limit. # 25 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:47,360 And Gyles goes... 26 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:50,320 # Na na na na na na na na na 27 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:53,480 # Na na na na na na na na na. # 28 00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:57,480 You look like the games teacher at a school's disco. 29 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,560 And Alan goes... 30 00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:04,600 # No, no, a thousand times no 31 00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:06,760 # I'd rather die than say yes. # 32 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:11,760 I like yours best, actually. I thought that was very nice. 33 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:13,320 And so to the first question, 34 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:17,840 and it's important you don't listen un-carefully to this one. 35 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:21,480 Alan, don't you not want some points or not? 36 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:27,280 ALAN GROANS Gyles is writing it down. 37 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:30,840 Well, that's very difficult to say yes or no to! 38 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:33,800 - What do you reckon? - There are three negatives. - Ah, yes. 39 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:37,360 "Don't you not want some points or not?" "Do you not...?" 40 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:43,800 - Do you not want some points... - Or not? - Do you not...? - Do you not...? 41 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:47,120 - We also don't know whether he does or not. - Yes. 42 00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:49,720 "Don't you not want some points, or not?" 43 00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:52,480 - Do NOT not want points... - So, here's the thing... 44 00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:57,040 - It's true to say that I do not NOT want points. - Yes. - Or not? 45 00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:59,040 So "or not" would mean that you...do. 46 00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:02,040 - "Do you want points or not?" - Yes, but... 47 00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:03,720 - The answer is... - Is... 48 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:07,600 LAUGHTER 49 00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:11,280 - Well, it's two questions! - No, it's just one question with one answer. 50 00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:12,360 But I'll just tell you now - 51 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:15,120 one answer has a klaxon, and one doesn't. There. 52 00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:21,160 - Do you think I'm giving too much away here? - Can we help him? 53 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:23,640 The show's nearly over. I'm filibustering. 54 00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:26,560 - Gyles, Gyles. - Sometimes with these really taxing questions, 55 00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:29,400 - the thing to do is to translate them into another language. - OK. 56 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:32,320 - Because that makes it simpler. - Oh, right. - Because, as we know, 57 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:34,440 - you asked the question in English. - I did, yes. 58 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:37,200 English - there are 500,000 words in the Oxford English Dictionary, 59 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:38,800 it is the largest language in the world. 60 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:41,360 - Well, there's more than a million now, in fact. - Ah, well, indeed, 61 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:44,000 including all the words you've introduced since the series began. 62 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,600 - Perfectly true. - In my edition - 500,000 words. 63 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:49,080 The German language only has about 150,000 words, 64 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:51,680 - and the French have fewer than 100,000 words. - Yes. - OK? 65 00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:54,120 - Including "le weekend". - Yes. ALAN BUZZES 66 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:58,000 - Oh, yes? Have you thought about it? - Yes. 67 00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:00,560 Yes is the right answer! 68 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:03,280 APPLAUSE 69 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:11,640 - Yes? - Yes isn't the right answer. - Oh! 70 00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:14,080 - It's not a yes/no question. - No, that's what I thought. 71 00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:16,160 But, fundamentally, yes is better than no. 72 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:18,720 - In your life, maybe. - Yes, I was enjoying Gyles'... 73 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:21,760 But, curiously, the answer would have been different... 74 00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:23,720 I didn't mean I would come back to it. 75 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:29,440 - I wasn't enjoying it that much. - But interestingly, the answer in French 76 00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:31,080 would have been yes. 77 00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:32,960 Oh, no - no! 78 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:35,680 In French you could have said, "I don't know," 79 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,720 which is "je ne sais pas", which is a double negative. 80 00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:42,640 Ah. Or... But if you translate it... What did you originally say? 81 00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:46,600 Is it too early to lose the will to live? 82 00:04:48,440 --> 00:04:50,960 I'm extremely concerned, Sandi, that you, 83 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:52,440 a role model for women everywhere, 84 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,440 should, in fleshing out the double negative, 85 00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:57,000 come out with the statement, "Broadly, yes is better than no"! 86 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:59,560 That's not what I'll be telling my daughter! 87 00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:03,520 APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER 88 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:09,440 There's a lot of these in pop, aren't there? 89 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:10,880 A lot of these in pop and rock lyrics. 90 00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:13,000 - Yes. - There's lots of I Can't Get No Satisfaction. 91 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:16,040 Yes, there is. And if it's a positive double negative, 92 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:19,280 - like Tom Jones' It's Not Unusual, that's fine. OK? - Why is that fine? 93 00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:22,040 Well, it never used to be a problem, the double negative, 94 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:24,840 and then, in the 18th century, they became obsessed with mathematics, 95 00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:26,320 - and it's to do with mathematics. - Oh. 96 00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:29,800 So they began to codify the language as being illogical 97 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:32,720 if it didn't fit with mathematical thinking. So, in mathematics, 98 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:36,920 - minus a minus is a plus. - Oh, do do this in Danish! - OK. 99 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:40,720 Yes. SHE SPEAKS IN DANISH 100 00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:45,240 No, I won't do it now. APPLAUSE 101 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:47,480 If you do that, I'd think I'd had a stroke. 102 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,360 I always think that there's a body been found, 103 00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:50,760 as soon as I hear Danish. 104 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:55,520 You can almost feel the wind on the bridge. 105 00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:57,480 I tell you what, it's a hell of a contortion 106 00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:59,480 if you can feel wind on your bridge. 107 00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:08,400 I'm trying to think what position you'd have to be in... 108 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:11,360 I don't know, but I'm going to try and sketch it. 109 00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:15,240 Just pass it along when you've done. 110 00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:18,520 Anybody know the difference between no and nay? 111 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:21,320 Is it like the French non and si, 112 00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:25,080 where si is a yes if somebody is expecting the answer no? 113 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:26,240 Yeah, you're exactly right. 114 00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:28,200 It's to do with the type of question that you get. 115 00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:30,120 So there used to be, in early modern English - 116 00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:33,000 so we're talking, sort of, late 15th to late 17th century - 117 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:34,800 two affirmatives, yes and yea, 118 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:37,160 and two negatives, which were no and nay, 119 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:40,200 and so subtle the rules that even the people at the time thought, 120 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:41,520 "I have no idea how this works." 121 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:43,280 But, basically, yes and no were responses to 122 00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:44,640 questions posed in the negative. 123 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:46,280 So, "Will he not go?" 124 00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:48,600 The answer is, "Yes, he will," or "No, he will not." 125 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:51,800 But if you positively frame a question, "Will he go?", 126 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:54,000 the answer is, "Yea, he will," or "Nay, he will not." 127 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:57,600 - Are you allowed to say "nay" without saying "sirrah"? - That's right. 128 00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:00,080 - GYLES: - Or, indeed, prefacing it with "hey nonny, no nay"? 129 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:01,280 - VICTORIA: - Yes. 130 00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:05,080 I'll be docking points from anybody who gets it wrong 131 00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:06,840 from now on. Is that clear? 132 00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:10,160 - Yes, but not... - No, not exactly. 133 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:12,440 - Yes, but not entirely. Is that correct? - Yes and no. 134 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:13,840 - Yea. - Yea. 135 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:15,920 - KLAXON - What? 136 00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,200 It was positively phrased, so the answer, in fact - 137 00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,360 Victoria is entirely right - is yea is the answer. 138 00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:24,000 - It's yea, is the answer? - Yes. 139 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,480 And so, yea... 140 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:26,640 Yea is the equivalent... 141 00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:29,000 Yea is the equivalent of yes, 142 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:31,800 but nay is not the equivalent of no - that's what we've learnt. 143 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:33,360 - No. So... VICTORIA: - No! 144 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:35,360 LAUGHTER 145 00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:38,720 Yea is yes if the answer yes is expected. 146 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:40,880 Yea and nay are for positively-framed questions, 147 00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:43,200 and yes and no... I'm losing... Honestly, I can't... 148 00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:45,360 - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - What we've learned is nothing. 149 00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:47,000 - Ah! - We weren't really paying attention. 150 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,600 - That was the problem. - I know, exactly. 151 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:50,360 But what I can tell you is that there's really 152 00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:51,960 nothing wrong with double negatives. 153 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:56,240 Only arbitrary pedants believe there isn't...not. 154 00:07:56,240 --> 00:08:00,680 Now it's time for my favourite subject in all the world - not. 155 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:03,200 It's sport. GYLES GROANS 156 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:05,280 - Yea, sport! - Yea, sport(!) OK. GYLES: - Nay! 157 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:09,600 Why is the person on the right such a loser? 158 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:11,120 Oh, isn't this interesting? 159 00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:14,040 - I don't know yet. - No, no, no, no... - LAUGHTER 160 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:16,960 Just because he's not got any badges and ribbons on, 161 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:18,920 he's obviously been in a court martial - 162 00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:20,320 he's had them stripped off him. 163 00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:21,520 That's why he's the loser. 164 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,320 You are in the right area. 165 00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:25,760 Is he standing in for someone? 166 00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:28,000 - Well... - Oh, is it a centaur? 167 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:31,560 Is he half-man, half-horse? 168 00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:34,280 Actually, the other guy's riding a horse and he's actually the horse, 169 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:35,840 and those are fake legs. 170 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:38,640 Oh, that's my favourite, but no. 171 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:40,800 So, he's a sort of nearly man. 172 00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:43,800 - An understudy? - I don't think we can call them that any more. 173 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:49,280 APPLAUSE 174 00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:54,720 The idea, Jimmy, that you would teach me 175 00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:57,000 to be politically correct... 176 00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,720 - I'm so sorry. - You're so fantastic. 177 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:02,960 I've started a new thing on the show which is my random Scandinavian, 178 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:05,240 and this is my "randy Scandi", this guy. 179 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:06,680 He took part in the 1948 Olympics. 180 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:08,800 His name is Sergeant Gehnall Persson. 181 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:11,520 He was in the Swedish Equestrian team, 182 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:13,840 and they easily won gold in the dressage 183 00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:16,240 and then they were stripped of the medal, 184 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:17,920 because the French, who came second, 185 00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:20,280 noticed that he was wearing a sergeant's cap. 186 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:22,640 So you were in the right area, absolutely, Gyles. 187 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:25,120 In those days, Olympic equestrianism was open 188 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:27,240 only to officers and gentlemen. 189 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:28,640 It was an amateur sport, 190 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:31,320 and other ranks were considered to be professionals. 191 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:33,680 So what had happened - he'd been given a bogus promotion 192 00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:35,960 to being a lieutenant, just for the Games, 193 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:38,480 but he forgot to change his hat. 194 00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:40,800 - Oh! - But it's a happy ending - 195 00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:43,640 the gentleman rule was changed, and he went on to win gold 196 00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:46,160 at the next two Olympics, just as a sergeant, 197 00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:47,760 and he didn't have to be a lieutenant. 198 00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:49,280 So, here's the thing that I think, OK? 199 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:51,680 I would like to see the amateur ethos brought back to sport. 200 00:09:51,680 --> 00:09:53,520 - What do you think about that? - Oh, yes. - Oh, 100%. 201 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:54,960 The amateur thing with sport is... 202 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,640 They've ruined it now, haven't they? They've ruined the Olympics. 203 00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:58,840 - Have they? - Well, I think... 204 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:01,400 You can't have Eddie the Eagle or Eric the Eel or any of those, 205 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:03,160 - kind of, the fun ones... - No! Can I say? 206 00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:07,120 Drugs are the making of the Olympics. 207 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:08,640 Don't you think? I mean, you know... 208 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:11,720 Isn't it an exciting idea - who can go faster and faster and faster? 209 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:13,200 Then, maybe you need two Games. 210 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:16,000 - You need a clean one and you need a drug-addled... - Yeah, exactly. 211 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,240 - So, do you...? - What do people watch most? 212 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:20,080 Lance Armstrong made a very interesting point 213 00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:21,760 in that documentary they made about him. 214 00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:24,360 He basically said, "Yes, I was on drugs - so was everyone else. 215 00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:27,000 - "I was the best on drugs." - Yeah. 216 00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:29,440 I also think that the drugs should be more interesting. 217 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:33,240 Does anybody know what the very first-ever substance-abuse case 218 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:35,000 in the Olympics dealt with? 219 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,880 - Well, it was a very high-class affair. - Oh... 220 00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:38,720 The first person banned for substance abuse? 221 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:39,880 - Sherry. - You're very close. 222 00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:40,960 - Yes? - Was it absinthe? 223 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:42,440 - No. - Oh, sorry, I wasn't answering. 224 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:45,240 I was just hoping someone could bring a sherry. 225 00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:46,880 Was it an animal that was doped? 226 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:47,960 - No. - A human? 227 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,560 It's a fantastic American swimmer called Eleanor Holm. 228 00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:54,280 She was suspended from the American Olympic swim team in 1936 for 229 00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:55,640 drinking too much champagne. 230 00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:57,080 - No... - Now, who...? 231 00:10:58,200 --> 00:10:59,360 That's good. 232 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:01,080 How much champagne is too much champagne? 233 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:02,560 - I think it's... - That's all relative. 234 00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:04,360 You wouldn't think it would particularly 235 00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:05,880 improve her performance. 236 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:06,920 I mean, she was happy. 237 00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:09,360 You've only got to go backwards and forwards with swimming - 238 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:10,800 you've got to keep yourself busy. 239 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:13,680 Bubbles could have helped keeping her up, and afloat. 240 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:16,560 The first time I went dog racing, 241 00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:19,480 I went with a friend of mine and he was betting on the second favourite. 242 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:21,760 He said, "It's always good to back the second favourite 243 00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:24,760 "cos often someone's slipped the favourite a pie." 244 00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:27,160 And that's... 245 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:30,760 The dog... Is the dog like, "I can't run. I've... I'm, oh... 246 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:32,080 "Oh..." 247 00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:33,360 That was delicious, though. 248 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:34,880 That's how you nobble a dog race - 249 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:37,960 you slip a meat pie to the dog, and then it eats it, 250 00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:40,160 and, I mean, you can imagine it doesn't run so fast. 251 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:42,960 That would probably work on this show, do you not think? 252 00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:46,280 Many's the time I've been slipped a pie, Sandi. 253 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:49,600 So from a nearly man, to the world's biggest nobody. 254 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:53,680 What did these guys do when they realised their cox was too big? 255 00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:58,120 I presume they threw him overboard. 256 00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:02,280 Kind of. It's a really sweet story, this. 257 00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:04,240 So we all know what the cox does. 258 00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:05,960 - The cox tells them... - He steers the boat. 259 00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:08,240 - Steers the boat, yes. - Stops them from rowing into things. 260 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:10,240 From "coxswain", literally a boat servant. 261 00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:15,080 Also shouts "row", which doesn't seem necessary in any other sport. 262 00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:17,400 No-one in the 100 metres has got a guy on the side going, 263 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:20,000 "Left, right, left, right." 264 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:23,040 - So this boy is the cox? - He BECAME the cox. 265 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:24,680 He was the replacement. This is... 266 00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:26,640 First of all, I love these outfits. Can I just say? 267 00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:27,800 If every sport wore these... 268 00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:30,600 - Yes, is it unusual to do it in your underpants? - I think they're sweet. 269 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:33,440 - They look gorgeous. - They're anatomically correct. 270 00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:34,840 Not necessarily. 271 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,680 This is the Dutch cox pair from the 1900 Olympics. 272 00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:39,760 So what happened was they got through to the final 273 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,240 and they had an overweight cox called Hermanus Brockmann, 274 00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:44,600 and they thought it was going to cost them the gold. 275 00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:48,640 So they had noticed that the French crews were using children as coxes, 276 00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:50,320 and so they decided to get one of their own, 277 00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:52,320 and they plucked one from a crowd - this boy. 278 00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:54,800 He'd already been discarded, actually, by the French 279 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:56,280 as being too heavy. 280 00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:58,360 He's between seven and ten years old, 281 00:12:58,360 --> 00:12:59,960 nobody knows his name, 282 00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:02,680 but with him coxing they won the gold, 283 00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:04,880 and then he vanished back into the crowd. 284 00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:07,120 He is an Olympic gold medallist, 285 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,760 and nobody knows his name. 286 00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:11,960 - Isn't it the sweetest story? - Incredible. 287 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:13,800 Also, the idea that he was telling his friends, 288 00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:15,600 "I went and I saw the rowing, it was amazing." 289 00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:17,800 "Where did you sit?" "I had a great seat! 290 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:20,560 "Yeah, I was in the boat." 291 00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:23,880 He's the only anonymous gold winner ever in the Olympics. 292 00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:26,320 The medal was given to the overweight cox 293 00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:29,200 who didn't actually row, Hermanus Brockmann, he got the gold medal. 294 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,480 And he was disappointed that it wasn't made of chocolate. 295 00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:34,320 I think that's the main disappointment 296 00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:36,040 of all gold medal-winners in the Olympics. 297 00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:38,560 "Oh, seriously?" 298 00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:42,920 Yes, indeed. They sacked their cox and got a lad in to do his job. 299 00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:46,280 And now for something that's not quite the full shilling. 300 00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:49,760 So, I have got three bottles of wine. 301 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:53,240 I've got a very nicely aged Chateau Brandreth. 302 00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:55,920 - Ooh! How lovely. - I'll pass that to you down there. 303 00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:58,440 I've got a - this is rather lovely - Jimicar Valley White. 304 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:00,600 Fruity and fresh. I'll just pass that. 305 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:02,280 Very excellent with cheese. 306 00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:04,080 And this one... 307 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:06,360 What are you saying about Jimmy's material? 308 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:08,280 Cheesy and fruity? Oh, fair enough. 309 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:11,560 This one goes down very well, I hear. 310 00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:15,480 It's a 1966 Alan Davies Piteous Whine. 311 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:19,200 There we go. So, Victoria, you know nothing about these wines. 312 00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:21,000 Let us imagine that you care for all wines 313 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:22,600 - in a rather similar manner. - Mm-hmm. 314 00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:25,120 - I can make that leap of the imagination. - Thank you very much. 315 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:28,800 Which one would you purchase, based on the price? 316 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:31,680 On those prices, I mean, all of them. I'd still get change... 317 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:36,840 People who have wine stoppers - what's the point of that? 318 00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:40,480 - What are they for? - Indeed, what are they for? 319 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,680 APPLAUSE 320 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:47,160 - If you mean genuinely, what would I do? - Yes, genuinely. 321 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:49,400 I'm not a wine snob. If I didn't know anything about them, 322 00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:50,440 I'd buy the cheapest one. 323 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:51,840 Would you buy the one that's £5.50? 324 00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:54,280 Yeah, why not? I don't know what the extra 50p will get me. 325 00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:56,960 I was told by somebody who knows about wine that you should 326 00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,880 consider the duty on the wine. 327 00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:00,680 - Oh, right. - So if a bottle... 328 00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:04,160 If the duty says £4 on a bottle and the bottle is £5, 329 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:07,040 - you're really paying for a £1 bottle of wine. - Wow. 330 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:09,280 But if it's £6, you're paying for a £2 bottle of wine, 331 00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:11,160 - so it's therefore twice as good. - Ooh. 332 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,440 - So, even though it's only £1 more... - Ah. 333 00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:16,200 - And I have followed that advice ever since. - Was that man...? 334 00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:18,560 So, this guy buying a £1 bottle of wine, 335 00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:21,080 was he outside a shop at the time? Was he? 336 00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:23,640 Was he in the park drinking, perchance? 337 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:26,160 He was... He was already drunk. 338 00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:28,520 Anybody else? Anybody? What would you go for, Jimmy? 339 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:29,960 Second-cheapest, always. 340 00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:31,720 Right, so you'd go for the 5.99? 341 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:33,120 Well, yeah. Well, you know... 342 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:35,520 In restaurants, people never choose the cheapest one, 343 00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:37,840 and they don't feel they can afford the most expensive 344 00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:39,320 because that's usually about £600, 345 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:41,000 so they go for the one above the cheapest, 346 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,120 - which would be the 5.99. - Except, except... 347 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:45,400 And then once you've had one bottle, just get the house. 348 00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:46,720 But also, is there not...? 349 00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:48,600 If there's only a penny difference, you see, 350 00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:50,520 is there not a psychological advantage there? 351 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:52,920 It is, this is the thing. It's called psychological pricing, 352 00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:55,880 and most... It's also known as charm pricing or magical pricing, 353 00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:57,000 pretty pricing. 354 00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:59,160 Most people would go for the 5.99... 355 00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:01,440 They wouldn't be so cheap, Victoria. 356 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:05,440 They'd go for the 5.99, and there seems to be a subconscious thing 357 00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:07,760 that we prefer precise prices to round ones. 358 00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:09,080 That seems to be a thing. 359 00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:11,560 And also, it's called a left-digit anchor effect, 360 00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:14,240 so the 5.99, it's still in the £5 bracket, 361 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:15,640 it's not quite in the £6 bracket, 362 00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:17,320 and therefore, we seem more likely... 363 00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:19,280 - Are we still falling for this, people? - I know! 364 00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:20,520 Isn't there a theory on this, 365 00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:22,560 that it started because they wanted to make sure 366 00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:24,880 that they weren't being ripped off by their vendors? 367 00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:26,840 If you've got to give them a penny change, 368 00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:28,000 it has to go through the till. 369 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,400 Yes, there was a theory about that, 370 00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:31,440 but there are experiments that suggest 371 00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:34,680 that you do better to price products at £5.99 than at £5.50, 372 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:36,680 because the 99 feels like a reduction. 373 00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:41,320 It is odd that £6.01 sounds a lot more than £5.99. 374 00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:44,080 - It sounds about 40 quid more. - Yes, it does, doesn't it? 375 00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:46,920 Also, what a bore to have 99p in change. 376 00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:48,360 That's the reason for not doing it. 377 00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:51,160 Well, the Official Monster Raving Loony Party in this country 378 00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:54,840 has proposed creation of a 99p coin to save change. 379 00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:56,920 APPLAUSE 380 00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:01,120 It's a very good idea. 381 00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:05,160 Is this genuinely wine, or have they filled the bottle with water? 382 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:08,240 I haven't opened it to check. Why don't you unscrew it and see? 383 00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:10,120 - This is wine. - This is wine. 384 00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:13,000 It's Beaujolais. Have we got any glasses? 385 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:14,760 APPLAUSE 386 00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:21,480 Do you think you've overpaid for that, or was that all right? 387 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:23,520 - No, I think that's all right. - That's not too shabby? 388 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:25,280 I think I've done well with the cheapest one. 389 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:27,720 I think in restaurants you should always order the house wine 390 00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:29,240 because if they should... 391 00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:32,400 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 392 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,120 Oh, do you know what? Not terrible! 393 00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:37,600 No, and weirdly, the next subject that I've got coming up 394 00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:39,320 is the bacteria in people's mouths. 395 00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:46,160 - You should always order the house wine... - Why's that? 396 00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:48,360 ..cos a restaurant ought to stand by its house wine. 397 00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:51,040 If the house wine is not good then the food is not going to be good. 398 00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:53,760 And, also, they buy so much of it they can get it at a better price. 399 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:54,800 Yes, so that is... 400 00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:57,360 So, buy the house wine at 99 rather than... 401 00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:59,040 Well, it depends on how expensive it is. 402 00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:01,400 So a prestige good, a luxury good like, say, for example, 403 00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:03,440 do you like handbags? Do you like luxury handbags? 404 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:05,960 - Of course, yes. - No. - No? 405 00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:08,600 People are more likely to pay £900 for a luxury handbag 406 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:10,280 - than £899.99... - Oh, yes. 407 00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:12,960 ..cos you don't want it to be affordable, that's not the point. 408 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:15,640 - I genuinely... I don't understand about handbags. - OK. 409 00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:16,760 And I'm... 410 00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:19,000 I'm not really a proper girl, as I try to... 411 00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:20,400 - GYLES: - Oh. 412 00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:25,920 And Jimmy's fine with that. 413 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:27,080 A handbag is essential. 414 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:28,160 Do you carry a man-bag? 415 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,840 I don't carry a man-bag, but I discovered a handbag was essential 416 00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:33,240 when I wrote a book about the Queen, 417 00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:36,080 - and the Queen always has a handbag, one over her arm. - Mmm. 418 00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:42,120 And when she moves her handbag from one wrist to the other wrist, 419 00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:46,440 that is the cue for the equerry-in-waiting to move you on. 420 00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:47,560 Oh. 421 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:50,280 - So, when you are next, Sandi, chatting with Her Majesty... - Yes. 422 00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:52,000 ..and thinking it's going rather well, 423 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,760 doing some of your amusing Danish stuff, erm... 424 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:57,320 LAUGHTER 425 00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:58,360 Not tactful but... 426 00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:00,360 - She can't get enough of it. - She can't. 427 00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:02,640 She can't - her husband is a Dane. She loves all that. 428 00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:03,920 She loves the Nordics. 429 00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:05,320 - She loves all that. - Philip? 430 00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:06,880 - Yeah. - I think he's Greek. 431 00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:09,040 Oh, no, no. Oh, no, that's just a cover. 432 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:12,000 OK. LAUGHTER 433 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,360 - He's quite mad, you know. - No! 434 00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:16,960 I had lunch with Her Majesty and she appeared to have nothing but 435 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:19,280 - dog biscuits in the bag. - Yeah, well... 436 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:20,760 But, anyway, that is the trick. 437 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:23,880 So, just watch out when she moves the bag from one wrist to 438 00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:26,600 the other, you know it's your time to step away. 439 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,160 - Move along. - Move along. 440 00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:30,800 Erm, in The Meaning Of Liff, which is a fabulous book, 441 00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:33,040 a Kibblesworth, which is a village in Tyne and Wear, 442 00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,240 is defined as "the footling amount of money 443 00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:37,760 "by which a price is less than a sensible number", 444 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:39,520 which I like. 445 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:42,040 Shall we put the bottles away? Do you want to give me...? 446 00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:43,760 - Give me yours! - I AM putting it away! 447 00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:46,320 No, give me yours, sweetheart. APPLAUSE 448 00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:51,160 I'll keep it safe. 449 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:54,600 So, I got 99 problems, but the pence ain't one. 450 00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:57,600 Now. Just... That's for the younger people. 451 00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:03,440 Here is a not-unknotty poser for you to consider. 452 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:06,720 What's a really unfortunate name to have on the internet? 453 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:09,040 I was thinking of that one of, like, there's a... 454 00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:11,600 There's a Pen Island that has a website. 455 00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:13,520 Oh! Yes! 456 00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:15,480 - Is that right? - Which doesn't look great. 457 00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:17,200 - No. - What? - Pen Island. 458 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,160 Oh, Pen Island! OK. 459 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,840 There's actually a company that I've worked for 460 00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:24,360 called Bound And Gagged Comedy, 461 00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:28,280 and if you type in "bound and gagged" - ooh! 462 00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:33,280 I found that once. I googled "big carthorse" - and, my word! 463 00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:35,240 That could take your eye out. 464 00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:40,240 Sorry - for what legitimate reason were you googling "big carthorse"? 465 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:43,600 I get lonely. 466 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:48,960 Anyway, there are all sorts of names that don't work. 467 00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:51,440 There's a man called Christopher Null, who is from Texas, 468 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:54,880 and he finds that computers regularly reject anything, 469 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:57,320 because "null", in lots of programming languages, 470 00:20:57,320 --> 00:21:00,440 basically means "this space is intentionally left blank". 471 00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:01,800 Now, here is the good thing - 472 00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:04,120 Mr Null is a prominent tech journalist, 473 00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:07,240 as I think you can tell by his thrusting photograph, 474 00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:09,440 and the easiest thing, apparently, 475 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:11,800 is to put a full stop after the name, is the best way. 476 00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:13,520 There are all sorts of names like that - 477 00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:15,080 computers go, "Well, I don't know." 478 00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:16,360 Oh, I see. As in null and void? 479 00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,240 - Yes. - So you type in "null" and nothing appears? 480 00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:20,800 - Yes... - He's the Invisible Man! That's what he looks like. 481 00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:22,400 Yes, that is indeed what he looks like. 482 00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:25,080 But he's not on his own, there've been hundreds of people in China 483 00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:26,400 who've had to change their names 484 00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:28,080 because the computer codes don't exist 485 00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:29,800 and they don't have the Chinese sign for it. 486 00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:32,520 And therefore they don't exist so they've had to change their name, 487 00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:35,040 otherwise they can't apply for a driving licence, or whatever. 488 00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:38,040 - And what are these people called? - I don't know the names of all of them, 489 00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:40,040 because there are several hundred of them. 490 00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:42,640 - There are a lot of Chinese people, that is a matter of fact. - Yeah. 491 00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:46,800 There was a British feminist called Margaret Sandra and, in 1979, 492 00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:49,120 she dropped her surname because she got very irritated. 493 00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:51,880 She went to buy a tumble dryer and she wasn't allowed to buy it 494 00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:54,000 unless her husband signed the form. 495 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,600 - Ah! - So she became enraged, and she doesn't have a surname. 496 00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:58,160 But the result is, if you don't... 497 00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:00,600 - Wet clothes. - Yes. 498 00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:02,360 If you don't have a surname on a computer, 499 00:22:02,360 --> 00:22:03,720 you can't easily claim benefits 500 00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:05,440 or you can't book online or you can't... 501 00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:07,520 There's all sorts of things you can't do. 502 00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:10,480 So what does...? Poor Bono and Cher, it must be all kinds of... 503 00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,160 - Must be hell. - The poor things. 504 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:15,680 - Just being them, actually. - They've got no white goods at all. 505 00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:18,440 Poor Sting can't get a driver's licence. 506 00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:21,880 Down there at the water's edge, bashing their clothes on rocks. 507 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:25,840 "Why are you doing that?" "I can't get a washing machine!" 508 00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:29,960 - This makes me feel... - The Edge is no help. 509 00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:35,600 APPLAUSE 510 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:39,480 My favourite story about getting names wrong - 511 00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:41,680 there was a British student called Adam Armstrong, 512 00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:44,120 and he had his Ryanair seat accidentally booked 513 00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:45,200 in the wrong name, 514 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:48,360 so the airline was going to charge him £220 administration fee 515 00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:50,800 to correct this error, and he didn't want to pay the money, 516 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:53,800 so he changed his name by deed poll, 517 00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:56,000 which is free, OK, 518 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,360 and he got a new passport for £103. 519 00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:03,840 Way cheaper - instead of paying Ryanair for a clerical error, 520 00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:06,520 change your name. 521 00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:09,640 There's a lesson, though I have no idea what it is. 522 00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:11,400 And now, for a total non-event - 523 00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:14,920 who's the best person to invite to a "Don't Come" party? 524 00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:17,680 - Oh! - Yes. - A "Don't Come" party? 525 00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:20,120 It's an actual thing that is used now by charities... 526 00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:22,720 - Oh, I think I know what it is then. - Yes. 527 00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:27,720 It is where, in order to raise money, they say, 528 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:31,400 "If you give us £1,000, we will not hold this occasion." 529 00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:33,960 You don't therefore need to spend money on having your hair done, 530 00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:37,480 - buying a new frock, hiring a car... - Yeah. - ..taking part in the raffle, 531 00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:41,560 buying a balloon, getting the drugs behind the fountain... 532 00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:43,680 None of these things need to happen. 533 00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:45,960 It's a cheap, cheap evening. 534 00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:47,320 Behind the fountain? 535 00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:49,520 And, what, did this come out of people going, 536 00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:51,400 "I would pay not to go to that event"? 537 00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:53,240 - Yes. - Yes. So people that want to stay at home. 538 00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:56,480 I would pay not to hear Gyles' after-dinner speech. 539 00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:59,200 I'm not saying that. I... 540 00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:02,240 APPLAUSE 541 00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:03,480 And you can make the thing sound 542 00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:05,720 as extravagant and glamorous as you like, 543 00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:07,000 and then don't have it. 544 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:09,560 You say it's at a fantastically expensive hotel 545 00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:11,680 and there's going to be champagne, but don't come, 546 00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:14,520 and then you get more money because people don't want to go anywhere. 547 00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:16,360 - So, a "Never Event" is different. - Yes. 548 00:24:16,360 --> 00:24:17,960 OK, and do we know what that is? 549 00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:20,440 Is that an event that was never going to happen? 550 00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:23,920 No. It's the official name used by hospital administrators 551 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:26,840 to describe errors that are wholly avoidable, 552 00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:29,160 so should never occur. 553 00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:33,440 Like, I should think using a meat cleaver on a patient would be... 554 00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:36,280 Before we rush to judgment, we don't know what's the matter with him. 555 00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:38,840 - No. - That might be necessary. 556 00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:41,440 But, curiously, these Never Events do occur. 557 00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:45,200 I was hosting the British Funeral Directors' awards recently... 558 00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:50,720 We've got to get you a new agent, dude. 559 00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:53,520 It was quite quiet, initially. 560 00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:59,880 - I hope you opened with that. - It took place at the end of the day - 561 00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:02,840 they'd had their trade show in the same venue, 562 00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:07,800 and so around the edges of the room there were coffins, caskets, 563 00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:10,640 people looking not unlike this fellow, sort of sitting up in them. 564 00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:12,360 Were you picking a new home? 565 00:25:12,360 --> 00:25:14,360 AUDIENCE MURMURS DISAPPROVINGLY 566 00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:20,120 - No! It's all right. - Can I say...? - He's old and he'll be dead soon. 567 00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:22,280 I'm sorry if I was... 568 00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:24,960 Can I tell you something, Jimmy? 569 00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,600 I don't think you realise how this is getting to me, 570 00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:29,720 because this morning, this very morning, 571 00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:31,400 I received a letter through the post 572 00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:35,200 inviting me to be the new face of the Stannah stairlift. 573 00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:40,280 - Take it! - APPLAUSE 574 00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:46,040 The worst thing about this is... 575 00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:51,120 ..my wife said, "I think we should consider this." 576 00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:55,240 Then - this is a true story - 577 00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:58,880 I then phoned them up and I said, 578 00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:00,960 "Have you thought of Nigel Havers?" 579 00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:05,320 It turned out they had. I was about 17th on the list. 580 00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:08,640 I'm afraid this is not the first invitation 581 00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:10,080 of its kind I've received, 582 00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:13,600 because I also - this is maybe how they got hold of my name - 583 00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:19,680 I was considered for being the new figure stretched out on the floor 584 00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:21,520 reaching for the alarm. 585 00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:25,520 "Help, I've fallen, and I can't get up"? 586 00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:28,880 That one. But June Whitfield has got that gig at the moment. 587 00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:32,200 But I have had this brilliant idea, 588 00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:34,200 which I've now begun to discuss with them, 589 00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:35,960 because my problem is that I go upstairs 590 00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:37,880 and can't remember why I've gone upstairs. 591 00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:40,720 - Yes. - So my idea is this - 592 00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:43,080 I attach to the arm of the stairlift 593 00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:45,400 an old-fashioned tape recorder, 594 00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:47,920 I sit in the chair, I press the two buttons, 595 00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:51,040 I tell myself why I am going upstairs. 596 00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:54,920 - And I go up. - APPLAUSE 597 00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:04,040 It's like the worst Beckett play ever. 598 00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:09,440 And the tape, years later it will be handed down the generations 599 00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:15,520 with all the reasons why Uncle Gyles went up the stairs for ten years. 600 00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:17,240 "For a shit." 601 00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:26,320 Never Events you may not wish to attend 602 00:27:26,320 --> 00:27:30,480 include Gyles Brandreth addressing funeral directors. 603 00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:33,960 These are both improbable pictures of George I, 604 00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:36,440 so what on earth happened here? 605 00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:38,720 Oh, he had his wig made into a moustache. 606 00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:44,160 I can give you a clue - they're separate "George I"s. 607 00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:46,840 The one on the left is Matt Lucas. 608 00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:48,480 I'm pretty sure that's Matt Lucas. 609 00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:51,200 I do think they all look like Samuel Pepys - everyone in a wig like that. 610 00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:53,080 - Yes, those wigs, there, there's a thing. - Yeah. 611 00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:55,160 Well, I can tell you, George I of Britain on the left. 612 00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:57,920 Yes, cos he's dressed up like... He was German, of course. 613 00:27:57,920 --> 00:27:59,120 He was German. 614 00:27:59,120 --> 00:28:01,480 In fact, he only spoke German when he first became king. 615 00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:03,600 GYLES SPEAKS GERMAN 616 00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:06,080 You don't have to do it in German. It's perfectly fine to... 617 00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:07,400 How did he become king? 618 00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:09,000 Well, that is the extraordinary thing, 619 00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:12,280 because there were 51 candidates to become the next king. 620 00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:13,920 Why did they choose George? 621 00:28:13,920 --> 00:28:16,760 All of them were ahead of him - were closer in line to the throne. 622 00:28:16,760 --> 00:28:18,160 Because we like a German. 623 00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:19,840 Because the others were all Catholics. 624 00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:21,040 Ah, of course. 625 00:28:21,040 --> 00:28:22,720 He was the only Protestant, 626 00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:25,880 and the Act was designed to ensure that Protestants came to the throne. 627 00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:27,240 - The Act of Settlement? - Yeah. 628 00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:29,480 It must have been like an upset on the X Factor, 629 00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:32,160 - when the outsider comes in. - Yes, yes, it was exactly like that. 630 00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:34,160 Start kicking Catholics off the X Factor, 631 00:28:34,160 --> 00:28:35,840 that'll stir up the ratings. 632 00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:39,400 Arbitrarily. 633 00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:42,240 - We've got it back to the old rules. - Yes. 634 00:28:42,240 --> 00:28:43,840 So, the other George I, 635 00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:46,760 also another king who took office against the odds, he's my random... 636 00:28:46,760 --> 00:28:49,840 - Is he your...? Is he going to be Danish? - He is, he's a randy Scandi. 637 00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:51,160 - He is a randy Scandi. - Yes, yes! 638 00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:54,560 He was Prince William of Denmark, and he became King of Greece in... 639 00:28:54,560 --> 00:28:55,960 Yup. That's... Excuse me! 640 00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:57,200 Yes? 641 00:28:58,280 --> 00:29:01,320 - He's alive! - Almost... 642 00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:03,000 You may recall that I mentioned earlier - 643 00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:05,120 and there was, sort of, ribald laughter - 644 00:29:05,120 --> 00:29:07,200 - that the Duke of Edinburgh was Danish. - Yes. 645 00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:08,600 The Duke of Edinburgh is Danish 646 00:29:08,600 --> 00:29:10,680 because he is a direct descendant of this man. 647 00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:12,160 - OK, fair enough. - And... 648 00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:14,640 So, surprisingly, at the end of the Greek War of Independence, 649 00:29:14,640 --> 00:29:15,960 so 1829... 650 00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:18,040 LAUGHTER 651 00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:20,640 ..Greece was in chaos. Who can imagine such a thing? 652 00:29:20,640 --> 00:29:23,360 - Greece in chaos?! - I know. It was the most extraordinary thing. 653 00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:25,000 - What now with the who, how? - I know. 654 00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:27,520 They had this guy called King Otto, and he was hopeless, 655 00:29:27,520 --> 00:29:29,400 and they didn't like him, so he was overthrown 656 00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:32,240 and they had a referendum to decide his successor. 657 00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:34,200 And there was Prince William of Denmark 658 00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:37,040 and Prince Alfred, who was the second son of Queen Victoria. 659 00:29:37,040 --> 00:29:42,320 There were 240,000 votes counted and Prince William got six, OK? 660 00:29:42,320 --> 00:29:45,280 The Greeks voted 95% of them that they wanted 661 00:29:45,280 --> 00:29:47,200 the British Prince, Prince Alfred. 662 00:29:47,200 --> 00:29:48,240 How touching. 663 00:29:48,240 --> 00:29:50,600 But there was a treaty that banned British royals from 664 00:29:50,600 --> 00:29:53,640 taking the Greek throne, so Prince William got it. 665 00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:54,800 He got it. 666 00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:56,600 - With six votes?! - With six votes, yes. 667 00:29:56,600 --> 00:29:57,680 Oh... 668 00:29:57,680 --> 00:30:01,240 That's democracy and royalty working together. 669 00:30:01,240 --> 00:30:02,920 They did try a lot of other royals as well, 670 00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:05,280 before they came down to these final two to put in the mix. 671 00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:08,080 They did, and what I like is there were 93 votes in the referendum 672 00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:10,160 for a republic and one to bring back King Otto. 673 00:30:10,160 --> 00:30:11,880 I mean, we have no idea who that was. 674 00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:15,560 - And they took it... - I think it might have been Otto. 675 00:30:15,560 --> 00:30:18,280 Otto's loyal butler. 676 00:30:18,280 --> 00:30:21,400 So, anyway, your chances of ascending the throne may be 677 00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:22,840 better than you thought, 678 00:30:22,840 --> 00:30:25,680 and here's another coronation that was not without its controversies. 679 00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:28,560 Have a careful look at this and tell me what's not all right. 680 00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:31,040 First of all, do we know which coronation it is? 681 00:30:31,040 --> 00:30:34,880 - It's Queen Victoria. - So, does anybody know what went wrong? 682 00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:37,080 They crowned the wrong woman. 683 00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:40,320 A lady called Karen was crowned. She ruled for 80 years. 684 00:30:40,320 --> 00:30:42,960 In a way, it's almost what happened. It's five hours, it was. 685 00:30:42,960 --> 00:30:44,840 First of all, the Archbishop of Canterbury 686 00:30:44,840 --> 00:30:46,840 forced the coronation ring onto the wrong finger - 687 00:30:46,840 --> 00:30:48,480 caused her severe pain, 688 00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:50,280 and they couldn't get it off afterwards. 689 00:30:50,280 --> 00:30:51,400 And three years later, 690 00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:53,320 he did exactly the same thing at her wedding. 691 00:30:53,320 --> 00:30:56,080 He was just not ring-savvy, the Archbishop of Canterbury. 692 00:30:56,080 --> 00:30:57,680 Then the Bishop of Bath and Wells 693 00:30:57,680 --> 00:31:00,400 accidentally turned over two pages in the service book, 694 00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:03,680 and he cut out the whole section where they made her Queen. 695 00:31:05,560 --> 00:31:07,600 What do you mean, "the whole section"? 696 00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:09,600 That's surely the whole coronation, isn't it? 697 00:31:09,600 --> 00:31:11,480 But the coronation was invalid, 698 00:31:11,480 --> 00:31:14,200 and in fact she had left the Abbey before they realised 699 00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:16,480 and she had to come back and do it again. 700 00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:18,760 I love that, they had to do a retake. 701 00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:21,400 And then, as the Lords were being presented to her, 702 00:31:21,400 --> 00:31:25,280 the elderly, rather aptly named Lord Rolle, became globally famous 703 00:31:25,280 --> 00:31:28,000 for tripping over on the steps leading to the throne 704 00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:29,640 and rolling all the way down. 705 00:31:30,920 --> 00:31:34,560 Apparently she didn't endear herself to the public until that moment, 706 00:31:34,560 --> 00:31:36,640 and when Lord Rolle fell down the stairs 707 00:31:36,640 --> 00:31:37,880 she got up and tried to help him, 708 00:31:37,880 --> 00:31:39,640 and after that they thought, "Oh, she's..." 709 00:31:39,640 --> 00:31:42,200 - Because she was very young, wasn't she? - Yeah, she was a teenager. 710 00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:44,400 I mean, it must have been an unbelievable thing. 711 00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:47,840 Now, here's a substance you may be not unfamiliar with, 712 00:31:47,840 --> 00:31:51,080 even if you don't think you're not. 713 00:31:51,080 --> 00:31:52,560 What might you use Nobel's... 714 00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:55,880 This whole episode's giving me a headache. 715 00:31:55,880 --> 00:31:58,120 What might you use Nobel's Safety Powder for? 716 00:31:58,120 --> 00:32:00,400 JIMMY BUZZES Yes? 717 00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:03,120 Is that not the original name for dynamite? 718 00:32:03,120 --> 00:32:05,640 It is. Absolutely right. It's the original name for dynamite. 719 00:32:05,640 --> 00:32:09,680 - You're absolutely right. - That's the... That's the... Yeah. 720 00:32:09,680 --> 00:32:11,800 He was the one that made it kind of safe. 721 00:32:11,800 --> 00:32:14,040 Well, it was safer than the alternative explosives, 722 00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:15,560 and in the end he called it dynamite, 723 00:32:15,560 --> 00:32:17,360 which is from the ancient Greek for "power", 724 00:32:17,360 --> 00:32:20,640 but dynamite is less likely to blow up while you're handling it. 725 00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:23,480 Why did he want to blow up pretty Japanese girls? 726 00:32:23,480 --> 00:32:25,480 Sorry? 727 00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:27,880 We've just seen the photograph - I mean, the picture. 728 00:32:27,880 --> 00:32:29,840 - Let's go back. Let's go back and have a look. - Yeah. 729 00:32:29,840 --> 00:32:31,280 Is that not a geisha of some kind? 730 00:32:31,280 --> 00:32:34,640 I'm going to guess that that's a mock-up for amusement purposes. 731 00:32:34,640 --> 00:32:37,160 - Oh, for today. - Yes. - Oh, it's not the original advertisement. 732 00:32:37,160 --> 00:32:39,800 No, I don't think suggesting... LAUGHTER 733 00:32:39,800 --> 00:32:41,880 Well, the idea that someone would be, you know, 734 00:32:41,880 --> 00:32:45,320 flicking through What Quarry magazine, going, 735 00:32:45,320 --> 00:32:48,200 "This stuff looks... This looks pretty good." 736 00:32:48,200 --> 00:32:50,560 - "I'll get some of that." - Oh, that's a bit disappointing. 737 00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:52,600 You'd have to have serious cellulite to want to 738 00:32:52,600 --> 00:32:54,040 put dynamite to it, I'd think. 739 00:32:54,040 --> 00:32:55,280 There was no Botox. Yes. 740 00:32:55,280 --> 00:32:57,480 - That'd be quite a thing. - Some people will do anything. 741 00:32:57,480 --> 00:32:59,640 - They sell embalming fluid as a beauty cream. - Do they? 742 00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:00,880 - GYLES: - I know that, actually. 743 00:33:00,880 --> 00:33:04,200 Well, yeah, from your friends in the funeral business. 744 00:33:04,200 --> 00:33:07,680 I was wondering what was keeping you looking so fresh. 745 00:33:07,680 --> 00:33:09,720 - He's got a bucket of it. - Yeah. 746 00:33:13,640 --> 00:33:15,520 So he went on and called it dynamite, 747 00:33:15,520 --> 00:33:17,680 and then he made the even safer "blasting gelatine", 748 00:33:17,680 --> 00:33:20,400 which is an explosive jelly which is known as gelignite. 749 00:33:20,400 --> 00:33:22,680 Well, isn't there the thing on him where he... 750 00:33:22,680 --> 00:33:26,520 - there was a false obituary or a premature obituary of his? - Yeah. 751 00:33:26,520 --> 00:33:28,600 That had basically said, this guy was, you know, 752 00:33:28,600 --> 00:33:31,880 he'd profited from death and then he set up the Peace Prize. 753 00:33:31,880 --> 00:33:34,760 So they say. Nobody can find such an obituary, so it may be 754 00:33:34,760 --> 00:33:36,800 one of those things, those stories that we tell... 755 00:33:36,800 --> 00:33:38,800 It'd be in an old paper. Who can be bothered to look? 756 00:33:38,800 --> 00:33:41,040 But there's quite a lot of stories like that about him. 757 00:33:41,040 --> 00:33:43,160 There's a story that there's no Nobel Maths Prize, 758 00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:45,520 in order to punish all mathematicians, 759 00:33:45,520 --> 00:33:47,720 because one of them had eloped with his wife. 760 00:33:47,720 --> 00:33:49,280 It's not true because... 761 00:33:49,280 --> 00:33:50,360 He wasn't married. 762 00:33:50,360 --> 00:33:51,400 He never got married. 763 00:33:51,400 --> 00:33:53,840 He had lots of long-term romantic relationships 764 00:33:53,840 --> 00:33:56,360 but nobody left him for a mathematician. It isn't true. 765 00:33:56,360 --> 00:33:57,680 There's no Nobel Prize for Maths 766 00:33:57,680 --> 00:34:00,000 because there wasn't any reason why there should be one. 767 00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:03,160 There's no Nobel Prize for PE, or... 768 00:34:03,160 --> 00:34:05,000 Biology or Geography. 769 00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:07,160 There isn't even, actually, a Nobel for Economics. 770 00:34:07,160 --> 00:34:09,760 The Economics Nobel isn't a Nobel Prize. 771 00:34:09,760 --> 00:34:12,080 It's the Swedish bank, the Riksbank, 772 00:34:12,080 --> 00:34:14,240 they give it in memory of Alfred Nobel, 773 00:34:14,240 --> 00:34:15,880 and it's given at the same ceremony. 774 00:34:15,880 --> 00:34:18,600 Is that a double negative and it is a Nobel Prize? 775 00:34:18,600 --> 00:34:21,200 It isn't, because it's in memory of him, 776 00:34:21,200 --> 00:34:23,600 - rather than it was one of the ones which he founded. - Right. 777 00:34:23,600 --> 00:34:25,840 Can I say? The way you share this information with us, 778 00:34:25,840 --> 00:34:28,080 I love hearing you just giving us facts. 779 00:34:28,080 --> 00:34:30,560 There's a kind of erotic charge in the room. 780 00:34:30,560 --> 00:34:32,640 LAUGHTER 781 00:34:32,640 --> 00:34:35,440 I knew one day I'd turn - I never thought it'd be you, Gyles. 782 00:34:35,440 --> 00:34:38,080 - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - OK, who's... 783 00:34:38,080 --> 00:34:41,600 I think it's just nice for you to 784 00:34:41,600 --> 00:34:43,640 be in a room that isn't full of coffins, isn't it? 785 00:34:43,640 --> 00:34:45,520 - GYLES: - Yeah, yeah! 786 00:34:45,520 --> 00:34:47,120 - Less funereal. - Yes! 787 00:34:47,120 --> 00:34:48,960 But soon, Gyles. Soon. 788 00:34:50,920 --> 00:34:53,200 At which point, we turn our attention-deficit 789 00:34:53,200 --> 00:34:55,240 to that slush fund of negative knowledge - 790 00:34:55,240 --> 00:34:57,200 the General Ignorance round. 791 00:34:57,200 --> 00:35:00,480 Fingers not unadjacent to buzzers, if you please. 792 00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:03,840 Name some common Egyptian characters. 793 00:35:06,480 --> 00:35:09,320 - Yes? - The Eye of Horus. 794 00:35:09,320 --> 00:35:11,640 KLAXON 795 00:35:12,840 --> 00:35:14,680 What are the chances? 796 00:35:14,680 --> 00:35:17,800 I want to know why the Eye of Horus isn't a common Egyptian character. 797 00:35:17,800 --> 00:35:19,760 Because it's a hieroglyph, 798 00:35:19,760 --> 00:35:22,440 and hieroglyphs were only used for special occasions. 799 00:35:22,440 --> 00:35:24,600 - GYLES: - Ah. - So they were not common, in fact. 800 00:35:24,600 --> 00:35:25,920 Well, I think you'll find 801 00:35:25,920 --> 00:35:28,440 that there were many special occasions in Egyptian life. 802 00:35:28,440 --> 00:35:29,760 Yes, obviously. The thing is, 803 00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:32,320 the normal everyday form of writing in Egyptian was hieratic. 804 00:35:32,320 --> 00:35:33,800 So it's a simplified version. 805 00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:35,680 It's a much more cursive version - there it is. 806 00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:37,840 That's a rarefied klaxon. 807 00:35:37,840 --> 00:35:42,160 I think, frankly, Victoria, they've set you up there. 808 00:35:42,160 --> 00:35:44,840 It can only be described as a trap. 809 00:35:44,840 --> 00:35:47,160 You have them on Only Connect, do you not, hieroglyphs? 810 00:35:47,160 --> 00:35:51,360 - Yeah, we do. - Yes. - In our first series, it was Greek letters, 811 00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:53,720 and people wrote in and said, 812 00:35:53,720 --> 00:35:55,840 "We like the show, but we find that pretentious." 813 00:35:55,840 --> 00:35:57,800 So we began series three with an apology, saying, 814 00:35:57,800 --> 00:36:00,400 "We'd like to say sorry to anyone that's been enjoying the show, 815 00:36:00,400 --> 00:36:02,960 "but found the Greek letters a bit pretentious. We've listened, 816 00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:05,480 "it's your BBC, you've reached out, we've heard you. 817 00:36:05,480 --> 00:36:08,200 "Please choose your Egyptian hieroglyph." 818 00:36:10,240 --> 00:36:12,200 Well, they're for special occasions, you see. 819 00:36:12,200 --> 00:36:14,600 The thing is, they can have multiple meanings. 820 00:36:14,600 --> 00:36:17,040 So, sometimes they just represent the thing they're drawing, 821 00:36:17,040 --> 00:36:19,600 so it could be a saw of some kind, it could be a tool, 822 00:36:19,600 --> 00:36:20,760 it could be something else. 823 00:36:20,760 --> 00:36:24,440 So the nose hieroglyph, for example, means smell or joy or contempt. 824 00:36:24,440 --> 00:36:27,040 But no vowels. Again, they're like Only Connect, you have a round, 825 00:36:27,040 --> 00:36:28,360 - don't you, with no vowels? - We do. 826 00:36:28,360 --> 00:36:30,480 There are no vowels in Ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs, 827 00:36:30,480 --> 00:36:32,240 so we have no idea how it would have sounded. 828 00:36:32,240 --> 00:36:34,960 So, King Ramses could be King Rameesees. We don't know. 829 00:36:34,960 --> 00:36:36,960 But that's impossible because, you know... 830 00:36:36,960 --> 00:36:39,280 Well, maybe I suppose you can manage without vowels, 831 00:36:39,280 --> 00:36:42,200 - because when it comes to diction, vowels for volume... - Right. 832 00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:44,160 ..consonants for clarity. 833 00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:47,160 As in the exercise that is performed by actors, 834 00:36:47,160 --> 00:36:48,800 you repeat the following: 835 00:36:48,800 --> 00:36:50,720 "Hip bath, hip bath, 836 00:36:50,720 --> 00:36:52,440 "lavatory, lavatory, 837 00:36:52,440 --> 00:36:54,040 "bidet, bidet, 838 00:36:54,040 --> 00:36:55,480 "douche!" 839 00:36:55,480 --> 00:36:58,040 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 840 00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:02,480 Are these all things...? 841 00:37:02,480 --> 00:37:04,880 Are these all things you're advertising? 842 00:37:04,880 --> 00:37:06,920 APPLAUSE 843 00:37:08,720 --> 00:37:10,720 Just tell us about your sponsorships, please. 844 00:37:10,720 --> 00:37:13,960 Can I say? People of your generation probably don't know what a bidet is, 845 00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:17,400 but they are all bathroom appliances of one kind or another. 846 00:37:17,400 --> 00:37:19,360 - That you're advertising. - Hip bath, hip bath, 847 00:37:19,360 --> 00:37:20,920 lavatory, lavatory... 848 00:37:20,920 --> 00:37:23,240 bidet, bidet, douche! 849 00:37:23,240 --> 00:37:24,280 - VICTORIA: - Douche! 850 00:37:24,280 --> 00:37:27,000 - Douche! - I didn't like the way you looked at me when you said "douche". 851 00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:28,080 Now... 852 00:37:28,080 --> 00:37:31,040 - When this goes out in America, that means something else there. - Yeah. 853 00:37:31,040 --> 00:37:35,360 The average ancient Egyptian wrote not in hieroglyphics but hieratics. 854 00:37:35,360 --> 00:37:38,240 Now, what would happen if you dropped a penny 855 00:37:38,240 --> 00:37:40,680 from the Empire State Building? 856 00:37:40,680 --> 00:37:43,800 Oh, no, this is about killing people, isn't it? 857 00:37:43,800 --> 00:37:47,680 - OK. - Nothing. It wouldn't kill someone if it hit them. 858 00:37:47,680 --> 00:37:49,880 It would not kill somebody. 859 00:37:49,880 --> 00:37:52,280 - It's too light. - It's too light, absolutely. 860 00:37:52,280 --> 00:37:56,000 - It's like you could drop a duckling, and it would float. - A duckling? 861 00:37:56,000 --> 00:37:58,400 It's incredibly light, and also... 862 00:37:58,400 --> 00:38:01,200 Wouldn't a duckling fly? Oh, because a duckling can't fly yet. 863 00:38:01,200 --> 00:38:05,520 It can't fly, but they can fall out of nests and float to the ground, 864 00:38:05,520 --> 00:38:07,280 - and you know how I know this? - Yes? 865 00:38:07,280 --> 00:38:10,720 Because I had a roof terrace that had a pond on it, 866 00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:13,360 - and some ducks came and moved in... - Oh! 867 00:38:13,360 --> 00:38:17,160 ..had ducklings, and they all threw themselves off the roof. 868 00:38:17,160 --> 00:38:19,320 - Oh! - Three storeys up. 869 00:38:19,320 --> 00:38:22,040 - Quickly, say there's a happy ending! - And I ran down the stairs, 870 00:38:22,040 --> 00:38:25,040 and they were all wandering about in the car park. 871 00:38:26,040 --> 00:38:28,000 Did they get hit by a car? 872 00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:30,600 No, somebody rounded them up and put them in a box 873 00:38:30,600 --> 00:38:33,480 and took them back up the stairs, whereupon they did it again. 874 00:38:33,480 --> 00:38:35,640 - Oh, no! - What was it about living with you 875 00:38:35,640 --> 00:38:37,400 that made them want to jump off a roof? 876 00:38:37,400 --> 00:38:38,840 That's just what they do. 877 00:38:38,840 --> 00:38:40,120 Because they're so light, 878 00:38:40,120 --> 00:38:42,600 they won't plummet to the ground and die - they'll float. 879 00:38:42,600 --> 00:38:45,600 It's the same with the coins - they're fantastically lightweight, 880 00:38:45,600 --> 00:38:47,560 and they also have too much air-resistance. 881 00:38:47,560 --> 00:38:49,800 But if you had a whole bag of them...? 882 00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:55,400 If you really, really wanted to kill somebody... 883 00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:57,520 that is perfectly possible. 884 00:38:57,520 --> 00:39:00,280 A pen would make it. That would drill a hole in your head. 885 00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:02,400 - That is not a good thing. - Bad news. 886 00:39:02,400 --> 00:39:04,080 But, in fact, it's an academic question, 887 00:39:04,080 --> 00:39:06,280 because the coins mostly don't hit the ground at all. 888 00:39:06,280 --> 00:39:08,920 What happens is the design and height of the building 889 00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:10,640 creates so much strong updraught, 890 00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:13,880 that the tossed coins tend to be pushed back towards the building, 891 00:39:13,880 --> 00:39:16,880 and they land on the ledges and roofs of the lower floors, 892 00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:19,880 where the maintenance crew say, "Thank you", 893 00:39:19,880 --> 00:39:22,240 and collect them all up. 894 00:39:22,240 --> 00:39:24,640 Indeed. This is not connected with the pennies, 895 00:39:24,640 --> 00:39:25,680 but can I just tell you 896 00:39:25,680 --> 00:39:28,040 about one of my favourite creatures in the world? 897 00:39:28,040 --> 00:39:30,000 It's called the hero ant. 898 00:39:30,000 --> 00:39:32,600 It's a cliff-dwelling ant in Madagascar. 899 00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:35,400 Not a looker. Not a looker, I'll be honest. 900 00:39:35,400 --> 00:39:38,720 It's got the most fantastic way of removing predators from the nest. 901 00:39:38,720 --> 00:39:42,800 It grabs them and holds them and then jumps off the cliff, 902 00:39:42,800 --> 00:39:45,600 and then when it hits the bottom it lands softly, 903 00:39:45,600 --> 00:39:48,360 and then it lets go and climbs back up to the cave. 904 00:39:48,360 --> 00:39:51,200 - Don't you think that's fantastic? - That's rather fantastic. 905 00:39:51,200 --> 00:39:53,760 I mean, you probably shouldn't try it with a home intruder. 906 00:39:53,760 --> 00:39:56,960 - No. - That's worth mentioning. But, yeah, for safety. 907 00:39:56,960 --> 00:39:59,280 A coin dropped from the Empire State Building 908 00:39:59,280 --> 00:40:02,280 would never reach the ground, and if it did, it wouldn't do any damage. 909 00:40:02,280 --> 00:40:03,600 Finally, a quick health check. 910 00:40:03,600 --> 00:40:06,680 Put your hand up if you haven't got haemorrhoids at the moment. 911 00:40:06,680 --> 00:40:08,560 Put my hand up where? 912 00:40:11,400 --> 00:40:13,760 KLAXON 913 00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:17,600 Really? 914 00:40:23,800 --> 00:40:26,280 I don't mind getting the buzzer, but when you're so gleeful... 915 00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:27,760 Yes! So... 916 00:40:27,760 --> 00:40:30,640 I've always got... I've had haemorrhoids for about 25 years. 917 00:40:30,640 --> 00:40:33,680 The thing is, everybody's got them. We are born with haemorrhoids. 918 00:40:33,680 --> 00:40:35,680 There isn't anybody who doesn't have them. 919 00:40:35,680 --> 00:40:37,800 They're cushions, they're sort of made of veins 920 00:40:37,800 --> 00:40:40,760 which are a normal part of the anatomy, like your eyelids or lips, 921 00:40:40,760 --> 00:40:42,200 possibly not quite so pretty. 922 00:40:42,200 --> 00:40:45,880 And they're there to stop the stools leaking out of your bottom. 923 00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:49,360 They explained all this to me when I went to the audition for the job. 924 00:40:51,320 --> 00:40:53,400 It's only when they become enlarged or inflamed 925 00:40:53,400 --> 00:40:55,760 that they cause problems, but we have them all the time - 926 00:40:55,760 --> 00:40:57,440 we all have haemorrhoids all the time. 927 00:40:57,440 --> 00:41:00,760 Well, you know what? I think... Shall we go Embarrassing Bodies? 928 00:41:00,760 --> 00:41:03,840 Will I whip one out? So we've all got them at all times? 929 00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:06,640 We do, but there's a myth that if you sit on a cold surface 930 00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:09,040 or, conversely, on a radiator, it causes piles, 931 00:41:09,040 --> 00:41:10,480 and that's simply not true. 932 00:41:10,480 --> 00:41:12,880 - And spicy food - not true. - What causes...? 933 00:41:12,880 --> 00:41:14,880 Well, there is another old wives' tale 934 00:41:14,880 --> 00:41:16,960 about reading on the loo, can cause them. 935 00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:19,160 - That may be true. - What do you have to read? 936 00:41:19,160 --> 00:41:22,080 Is it like a spell? An incantation? 937 00:41:22,080 --> 00:41:25,480 No, it's sitting or standing for too long - strains your rectum. 938 00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:28,600 - Yes, you mustn't push. - No. No. 939 00:41:28,600 --> 00:41:31,720 And also, never resist the call to stool. 940 00:41:34,000 --> 00:41:36,360 Is that another way of warming up for an actor? 941 00:41:37,920 --> 00:41:40,360 Harry Hill told me that with his medical hat on - 942 00:41:40,360 --> 00:41:42,480 "Oh, you must never resist the call to stool." 943 00:41:42,480 --> 00:41:43,960 I like that. That's very good. 944 00:41:43,960 --> 00:41:46,400 They think Napoleon may have lost the battle of Waterloo 945 00:41:46,400 --> 00:41:48,080 because he had a terrible attack of piles 946 00:41:48,080 --> 00:41:49,880 which made him not sleep the night before. 947 00:41:49,880 --> 00:41:52,640 Well, they captured the moment, didn't they? 948 00:41:52,640 --> 00:41:54,760 That is a man with piles. 949 00:41:54,760 --> 00:41:56,200 Most definitely! 950 00:41:56,200 --> 00:41:58,600 That's the power of Instagram for you. 951 00:41:58,600 --> 00:42:01,680 "Your horse is ready." SHE SHUDDERS 952 00:42:01,680 --> 00:42:02,880 And David Livingstone, 953 00:42:02,880 --> 00:42:06,440 thought to have died on the banks of the Zambezi from burst haemorrhoids. 954 00:42:06,440 --> 00:42:09,560 - Oh, no! - If a haemorrhoid bursts in the forest... 955 00:42:11,960 --> 00:42:14,240 It's lovely that we're at the haemorrhoids section 956 00:42:14,240 --> 00:42:15,600 of the show, anyway. 957 00:42:15,600 --> 00:42:19,400 Yes, absolutely. So, let's have a look at the scores. 958 00:42:19,400 --> 00:42:24,920 And in first place, with -1 point, it's Gyles. 959 00:42:24,920 --> 00:42:28,120 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 960 00:42:30,720 --> 00:42:33,480 In second place, with -5, Alan. 961 00:42:33,480 --> 00:42:36,080 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 962 00:42:39,040 --> 00:42:41,000 And in third place, with -8, Victoria. 963 00:42:41,000 --> 00:42:43,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 964 00:42:46,640 --> 00:42:48,240 -21... 965 00:42:48,240 --> 00:42:49,880 Jimmy! 966 00:42:49,880 --> 00:42:52,400 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 967 00:42:59,240 --> 00:43:02,400 So, it's thanks to Victoria, Jimmy, Gyles and Alan, 968 00:43:02,400 --> 00:43:04,480 and I'll leave you with this - in the 1950s, 969 00:43:04,480 --> 00:43:07,800 the American philosophy professor Sidney Morgenbesser 970 00:43:07,800 --> 00:43:11,760 went to a lecture by the English linguistics expert JL Austin, 971 00:43:11,760 --> 00:43:15,000 who claimed that, while some languages use double negatives 972 00:43:15,000 --> 00:43:16,200 to make a positive, 973 00:43:16,200 --> 00:43:19,720 no language uses a double positive to make a negative. 974 00:43:19,720 --> 00:43:21,000 And from the back of the room 975 00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:25,160 came Morgenbesser's distinctive New York drawl, "Yeah, yeah". 976 00:43:26,440 --> 00:43:27,680 Goodnight.