1 00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:28,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:30,440 Hello, everybody! 3 00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:32,160 Aye-aye! 4 00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:34,680 Ahoy and welcome aboard the good ship QI, 5 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:37,160 where tonight we'll be splicing each other's timbers, 6 00:00:37,160 --> 00:00:40,920 hoisting our mainbraces and giving the ship's cat a good kicking 7 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:43,920 in the naval navigation show. Let's meet the crew. 8 00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:46,240 First of all, my old mate Ronni Ancona. 9 00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:48,400 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:54,800 And something of a figurehead, Johnny Vegas. 11 00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:57,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 12 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:02,280 A bit of a bottom feeder, Jimmy Carr. 13 00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:05,520 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Wow. What? 14 00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:07,280 One time, one time. 15 00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:10,480 And Roger the cabin boy, it's Alan Davies. 16 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:12,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 17 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:20,760 Let's hear your naval noises. Ronni goes... 18 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:23,760 HIGH-PITCHED SHIP'S HOOTER 19 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:25,160 Johnny goes... 20 00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:27,560 LOW-PITCHED SHIP'S HOOTER 21 00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:32,720 Jimmy goes... 22 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:35,120 RASPY SHIP'S HOOTER 23 00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:37,400 That's Mexican food. 24 00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:38,840 Alan goes... 25 00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:40,280 # Yummy, yummy, yummy 26 00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:42,080 # I got love in my tummy 27 00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:44,440 # And as silly as it may seem... # 28 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:50,840 Yeah, no, I meant N-A-V-A-L, not the other kind of navel. 29 00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:54,480 First up, a question on nautical names. 30 00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:58,320 Now, you each have got a hat. Put them on, there we go. 31 00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:02,880 Sure. I mean, a lot of people would look stupid in this, but me... 32 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:04,920 LAUGHTER 33 00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:10,000 So, what I want to know is, as you look round the room, 34 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:14,000 how many of you are genuine ship names? 35 00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,520 Banterer, we've got Ronni's Spanker. 36 00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:20,880 - Spanker? - Flirt, we've got for Johnny, and Titan Uranus. 37 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:22,480 HMS Flirt? 38 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:27,640 - Hello, sailor! - When you said it out loud, then it all made sense. 39 00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:30,080 Yes, sorry. Tried to be polite. 40 00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:31,600 Titan Uranus. 41 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:33,840 - What do we reckon? - Spanker's got to be a ship 42 00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:35,240 out of a Carry On film, hasn't it? 43 00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:39,760 - Yes. - Reporting for duty, everyone. Welcome aboard the Spanker! 44 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,560 Now, hands at the ready. 45 00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:42,840 Oooh, naughty! 46 00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:49,480 But I happen to know, because of a naval connection... 47 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:52,000 What is your naval connection? 48 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:54,000 I think I might have seen it online. 49 00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:58,800 My brother is an admiral in the Navy. 50 00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:00,840 Oh, whoa! 51 00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:04,480 - An admiral? - And my father was a commander. 52 00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:06,320 - Your father was a commander in the Navy? - Yeah. 53 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,880 - So, your brother's done rather better. - My brother... 54 00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:12,520 Yes, cos he's got that insurance business on the side, hasn't he? 55 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:16,440 Yeah, my dad back-doored in through the Merchant Navy. 56 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:18,760 Did he? A lot of them do, I've heard. 57 00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:20,080 LAUGHTER 58 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:22,240 I knew that was coming up. 59 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:23,680 That will "Titan Uranus". 60 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:27,760 - If anything, the reverse, I find. - But... 61 00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:30,200 You look so innocent and then it says Titan Uranus. 62 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:31,560 Isn't that fantastic? 63 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:34,320 I could have hours of fun if I went out in this tonight. 64 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:37,240 What do you reckon, Johnny? You reckon yours, HMS Flirt, 65 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:38,760 do you reckon's the real thing? 66 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,040 Yeah, I reckon HMS Flirt could be the one. 67 00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:43,600 - Yeah, could be the... - The others might have been nicknames. 68 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:45,200 Ah, a bit of fun amongst the sailors. 69 00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:47,840 In fact, Spanker, Banterer and Flirt were all, 70 00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:50,280 or had been all, ships in the Royal Navy. 71 00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:53,320 Titan Uranus was... There have been two merchant ships, 72 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:55,960 actually, there was an oil tanker and an ore carrier. 73 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:57,280 Lots named after animals - 74 00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:59,680 there has been Kangaroo, Gnat, Weasel, Zebra. 75 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:01,240 Is the downside to this not the...? 76 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:04,080 I mean, obviously the Royal Navy, very proud history, 77 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:06,800 but, occasionally, ships get sunk and people die, 78 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,680 and then you've got to report back. 79 00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:13,720 "I'm afraid things did not go well, 60 souls lost on Titan Uranus." 80 00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:16,160 Yeah, well, there are worse ones - Cockchafer. 81 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:20,120 That is how a lot of the sailors died. 82 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:22,800 And HMS Pansy. 83 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:26,000 JIMMY LAUGHS And... 84 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,360 - Oh, that's fantastic. - ..my favourite, Happy Entrance. 85 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:30,640 LAUGHTER 86 00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:32,240 So, just to say. 87 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:34,960 So, have a quick look, imagine you are at sea 88 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:38,600 and we've got, I don't know, say, HMS Cockchafer coming at you 89 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:41,960 in the dark or possibly going away from you in the dark, OK? 90 00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:44,600 Can you tell which one it is? 91 00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:47,600 Coming towards you or going away? 92 00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:50,000 Well, green towards you, red away? 93 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,200 Erm, not quite. 94 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:54,960 Anybody? Your brother's an admiral, for goodness' sake! 95 00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:57,320 - I know, I know! - Is one port and the other starboard? 96 00:04:57,320 --> 00:04:58,920 One is port and one is starboard, yes. 97 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:00,160 - Do you know which is which? - No. 98 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:02,920 - It's quite good to know. - Does anyone know? 99 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:05,760 - AUDIENCE MEMBER: - Red is port. - Red is port, red is port. 100 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:09,640 Yes. Yeah, I could've told you that. OK... 101 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:11,800 That's how you remember, like, port is red. 102 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:13,600 And green is...sherry? 103 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:16,600 Green is starboard. And what you say is, "Green to green, red to red, 104 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,080 "perfect safety, go ahead." 105 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:21,400 So what you would know from this is that the boat is coming towards you, 106 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:23,880 and that would be important information to have 107 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:25,600 - when you're at sea. - Oh, hang on! 108 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:28,080 - I definitely would have crashed into that. - Yeah. 109 00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:30,680 There is one of my favourite books of all time that you could read 110 00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:31,920 to avoid this happening. 111 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:37,040 It was published in 1992 and it is called How To Avoid Huge Ships. 112 00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:39,360 LAUGHTER 113 00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:41,720 - RONNI: - That's brilliant! That is so brilliant. 114 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:44,240 And who was this sold to? Small islands? 115 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:47,080 It went through several editions. 116 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:49,120 What worries me is that they may have left stuff out 117 00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:50,640 in the first edition and then gone, 118 00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:53,040 "Oh, that was the other thing I meant to put in." 119 00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:56,400 It's ranked as the third oddest book title of all time. 120 00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:57,920 Oh, go on, what are the other two? 121 00:05:57,920 --> 00:05:59,160 The second, number two - 122 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:02,080 Greek Rural Postmen And Their Cancellation Numbers. 123 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:04,160 LAUGHTER 124 00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:06,920 Yeah, the one about the urban postmen I found a bit ehhh. 125 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:08,040 Who's that bothered? 126 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:10,920 This is my favourite, number one, oddest book title of all time - 127 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:12,640 People Who Don't Know They're Dead, 128 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:15,640 How They Attach Themselves To Unsuspecting Bystanders 129 00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:17,280 And What To Do About It. 130 00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:19,680 LAUGHTER 131 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,880 Put your hats away, please. 132 00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:25,240 Why would you spend a year's rent hiring a rowing boat? 133 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:28,400 You're sleepy and drunk. 134 00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:32,720 You've not been living in London long, 135 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:34,320 and you've gone on the Thames. 136 00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:38,480 Yeah, I like all of those reasons, but no. It was in 1815. 137 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:41,640 - So, what happened in 1815? - It was that... 138 00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:44,040 lesser known Fire of London. 139 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:49,320 Like, a really small fire that didn't get widely reported? 140 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:54,720 Just a tiny one. People cashed in completely. 141 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:56,800 - RONNI: - Waterloo. - Waterloo, exactly. 142 00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:59,080 The big battle of Waterloo. Napoleon was defeated. 143 00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:02,640 - What happened to Napoleon? - Oh! Abba played live in the harbour. - Yes. 144 00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:06,240 That's it exactly. And people took rowing boats out. 145 00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:07,720 It was lovely. There were picnics. 146 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:10,000 They couldn't get enough of that blonde one, absolutely. 147 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:13,520 - It's not that. - Is that when he was banished? - Yes. 148 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:16,120 This is a really interesting part of the story, which I don't think 149 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:18,200 ever gets reported. Do you know where he wanted to go 150 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:20,080 - when he was defeated? - Isle of Wight. 151 00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:23,000 - He wanted to emigrate to the United States. - Did he? 152 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:27,560 He went to the west coast of France, to Rochefort. There was a boat... 153 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:31,800 There it is, the HMS Bellerophon, known by the men as Billy Ruffian. 154 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:33,880 And they blockaded the port. 155 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:37,080 So, he surrendered and was taken to the UK. 156 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:40,280 And it was supposed to be a secret that he was first in Brixham, 157 00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:41,920 then the ship was moved to Plymouth. 158 00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:47,560 But he was so popular in the UK that people would spend a year's rent 159 00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:52,160 to get a rowboat out to the ship in order to see Napoleon. 160 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:56,160 And he wasn't allowed to come to land because they were so afraid 161 00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:58,840 that he was so popular that there would be a public uprising. 162 00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:00,520 And, in the end, 163 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:03,480 achieve his goal of defeating Britain in the first place. 164 00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:07,320 10,000 people boarded 1,000 small boats in order to get 165 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:10,800 - a glimpse of him. - How was he that popular? Hadn't we just fought him? 166 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:12,360 Well, that's the weird thing. 167 00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:14,840 In a way, Waterloo, not hugely good for democracy, 168 00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:16,400 it's not something anybody says. 169 00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:18,520 But the Bourbons were restored as kings of France, 170 00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:19,800 and the revolution was over. 171 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:22,200 And there were people who believed him when he said that 172 00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:24,640 if he had come to Britain, he'd have got rid of the nobility, 173 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:26,640 and he'd have spread all the money to the people. 174 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:29,240 But, in fact, that never happened because he never came. 175 00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:31,640 There were people who genuinely thought he was incredible. 176 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:34,000 And the crew used to hang notices over the side of the ship 177 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:35,560 saying, "He's having his breakfast." 178 00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:37,520 "He's having dinner with the Captain Maitland." 179 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:40,840 It's the most extraordinary story that he was too popular 180 00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:42,800 to be allowed to land. It's extraordinary. 181 00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:46,000 And he was taken to St Helena, and then about 2,800 men 182 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:50,000 and a squadron of 11 ships made sure that that one man stayed there. 183 00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:52,120 You can see it from that picture, can't you? 184 00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:57,840 He's like the Bieber of his day. Lovely grey pallor. Oh. 185 00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:00,600 Anybody know when Nelson's pension ran out? 186 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:03,160 - 1974. - Close. 187 00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:06,320 - Seriously close. - Is it one of these anomalies... 188 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:08,240 - Is someone still claiming it? - Not any more. 189 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:11,920 It ran out in 1947, 142 years after his death. 190 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:14,200 After the Battle of Trafalgar, his brother, 191 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:18,640 who was an obscure Norfolk parson called Reverend William Nelson, 192 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:22,120 was given an earldom and a pension of £5,000 a year. 193 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:23,520 And this carried on, 194 00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:26,440 passed on down the family line until Clement Attlee stopped it in 1947. 195 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:30,400 Even then, it was worth £400,000 a year in today's money. 196 00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:32,400 It was a serious amount of money. 197 00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:36,360 Right, time for some salty language now. 198 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:38,080 Complete the nautical rhyme. 199 00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:39,680 "A pig on the knee..." 200 00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:41,840 A pig on the knee, I'm a Tory MP? 201 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:45,920 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 202 00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:54,600 So, a pig on the knee is actually safety at sea. 203 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:56,720 Safety at sea, that old favourite. 204 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:58,560 The next one is, a cock on the right... 205 00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:00,560 Transgender surgery doesn't always go right. 206 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,720 Put out the lights. 207 00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:07,120 - Put out the lights? - Don't take flight. 208 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:09,160 No. A cock on the right... 209 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:11,720 The parish priest is strolling tonight. 210 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:14,760 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 211 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:20,200 That's poetry from you, Johnny. 212 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,960 - Cock on the right, never lose a fight, it is. - Never lose a fight. 213 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:24,560 So, it was superstitious sailors. 214 00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:27,840 They used to get tattoos of a pig on the left knee and a rooster, 215 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:29,440 or a cock, on the right foot. 216 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:31,440 So, pig on the knee, safety at sea. 217 00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:33,520 A cock on the right, never lose a fight. 218 00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:36,080 Because the idea was that pigs and cockerels were kept in crates 219 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:38,720 on the ships, and when the ships sank, the crates floated, 220 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:41,600 and the animals were associated with surviving shipwrecks. 221 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:45,560 I heard that because a pig and a cock can't swim, 222 00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:48,120 so God would look at you benevolently. 223 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:50,240 Can pigs not swim? 224 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:52,800 - I think famously pigs can't fly. - Yeah. 225 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,280 That's the one. You're thinking of the Royal Air Force. 226 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:58,800 They're full of salt. Surely that bobs, doesn't it, salt? 227 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:01,480 It's going to be a struggle. When I took my baby swimming 228 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:04,040 for the first time, I strapped two pigs to his hands. 229 00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:07,760 And I'm banned from the local swimming pool. 230 00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:09,640 - For bringing your own food in. - Yeah. 231 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:14,040 Anybody know where tattoos come from? 232 00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:16,960 I guess the South Pacific. Maui... 233 00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:19,640 They had them but it isn't where they come from. 234 00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:23,360 Is it your lot? Is it the... Scandinavian, the Vikings? 235 00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:27,160 - We randy Scandis, yes. - Is it the Vikings? - No, it isn't at all. 236 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:30,160 As far as we know, medical tattoos go back about 5,000 years. 237 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:34,640 Otzi the Iceman, who was found in the Alps, 5,000-year-old corpse, 238 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:38,080 he had tattoos over his spine, over his right knee and ankles. 239 00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:41,480 And he also had osteoarthritis in his joints, and so it's possible 240 00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,760 they thought a tattoo had some healing effect, 241 00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:46,880 or that it might do something. So they're at least 5,000 years old. 242 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:48,720 My brother got one. 243 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:50,720 And you know the trend a few years ago, 244 00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:52,800 to get it in a language you don't understand 245 00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:54,760 - so you don't know if it's been misspelt? - Yeah. 246 00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:56,760 I said, "What does it mean?" He went, "Honesty." 247 00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:57,880 And as my mum walked in, 248 00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:00,520 he pulled his shirt on and just pretended he hadn't had it. 249 00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:08,040 Lots of great women, tattooed ladies. 250 00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:10,880 Nora Hildebrandt, she was America's very first 251 00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:12,640 professional tattooed lady. 252 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:15,280 This is a wonderful drawing by my friend Sandy Nightingale 253 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:17,560 of Nora Hildebrandt. Doesn't she look fab? 254 00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:20,480 She had 365 designs tattooed on her. 255 00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:23,800 She claimed she had been captured by Sitting Bull and his tribe 256 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,840 and tied to a tree and tattooed every day for a year, 257 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:28,440 but, in fact, her dad did it. 258 00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:33,720 - Slightly, it's a weirder story. - I think she may have been trying to 259 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:35,400 detract from men staring at her nose. 260 00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:40,160 - I mean, you've got to question that. - Well, if you don't do your homework, 261 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,400 I mean... What do you expect? 262 00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:44,240 How did he get involved? 263 00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:47,120 She was likely his showcase, as it were, his window display, 264 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:49,480 to say, "These are the ones I can do." 265 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:51,280 Thank God he didn't own a garage, 266 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:53,440 or he'd have just glued car parts to her. 267 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:56,520 - Yes. - She would have looked like a Transformer. 268 00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:59,680 How creepy is that? You walk into a tattooist's, say, 269 00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:02,000 "I'm thinking about getting a tattoo," and he goes, 270 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:04,360 "Well, just look at my daughter for a while. 271 00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:06,560 - "Pick anything you want." - Yeah. 272 00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:07,800 "O...OK..." 273 00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:10,520 When you have a tattoo lasered off, what happens to it? 274 00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:13,200 - Do you know where it goes? - To heaven. 275 00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:17,520 They can't recycle them, can they? 276 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:21,400 No. They don't scrape them off and give them to somebody else. 277 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:25,440 There was a guy at Barts that had an incredible collection of tattoos. 278 00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:27,560 - Had he actually cut them off people's skin? - Yeah, so, 279 00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:28,920 whenever they got cadavers in, 280 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,520 if they had an interesting tattoo, he'd take that piece of skin... 281 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:34,000 - And frame it? - I think it was, like, in the '60s. 282 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:36,960 They kind of went, "I don't think we can do that any more." 283 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:39,280 What happens to them? We laser off a tattoo, what...? 284 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:41,640 - It goes into your body. - Yes, exactly right. 285 00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:44,640 The beams of light heat the ink and breaks it down into little pieces. 286 00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:47,560 It's absorbed into the blood and it is excreted. 287 00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:49,520 So it comes out in your poo. 288 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:53,080 So, you see it in your poo and you go, "That's what I really wanted!" 289 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:55,400 Yeah, so if you loved somebody once... 290 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:58,200 - A tattoo poo. - Yeah, you can poo them away, basically. 291 00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:02,400 If it came out in the wee, you'd stand there going, "I'm an octopus!" 292 00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:08,160 I now understand why boys make such a mess in the toilet, 293 00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:09,520 because they're not holding on. 294 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:15,160 - Here's a naval question you'll know, if your brother's an admiral. - Yes. 295 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:18,280 Why is the Navy salute different to the Army salute? 296 00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:20,680 And you know how it's different? 297 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:21,720 Er... 298 00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:26,640 It is... The Navy one's more of a, "Cooee!" 299 00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:30,080 "Hello, sailor!" 300 00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:35,440 - This? - That's right, that's the Navy. - That's the Navy. - And the Army? 301 00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:38,160 Is like that, exactly right. Do you know why? 302 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:40,400 It's because Benny Hill wasn't in the Navy? 303 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,320 Because their hands were covered in grease and Queen Victoria 304 00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:45,880 didn't like it, so she made them, instead of standing like that, 305 00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:47,040 she made them stand like that 306 00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:48,920 so she couldn't see how dirty their hands were. 307 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:51,280 So they were meeting the Queen? "Shall we wash our hands?" 308 00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:54,240 "No, it's only the Queen coming aboard, don't worry about it." 309 00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:55,840 There's a lot of weird Navy things. 310 00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:58,920 They toast the Queen sitting down, the Navy, they don't stand up. 311 00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:01,440 They're the only services that are allowed to do that. 312 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,800 I'm not sure why - it was either William IV or Charles II, 313 00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:05,800 and he was coming back to England, 314 00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:09,360 and he stood up during the toast and he bumped his head on a beam, 315 00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:12,600 and he announced from then on the Navy would sit down when drinking. 316 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:15,040 And, so, now they do, toasting the King and Queen. 317 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:18,080 They've got all sorts of very interesting language. 318 00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:21,240 - Jack Tar speak. - It's a bit rude, but the term for 319 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:24,640 premature ejaculation is "getting off at Fratton," 320 00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:28,520 because Fratton is the train station 321 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:31,080 two before Portsmouth. 322 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:33,480 LAUGHTER 323 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,880 Which is your final destination, really. 324 00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:40,920 Two before, so what's the station just one before? 325 00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:42,800 Because sometimes it's not that bad. 326 00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:47,520 Sometimes I fall asleep at the station and I'm there for ages. 327 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:53,360 That's almost too much information for me, really. 328 00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:56,720 I go to Portsmouth all the time. I shall look at Fratton with new eyes. 329 00:15:56,720 --> 00:15:58,400 Do you? Ooh! 330 00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:00,720 - I do, yes. - Same here, same here, yeah. 331 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:01,880 What, go to Portsmouth? 332 00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:05,680 Oh, no, I thought we were talking about Fratton. Sorry. 333 00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:07,360 I'm so sorry! 334 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:10,640 For some sailors, tattoos were thought to be a real life-saver. 335 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:13,640 Now, what are these men looking at? 336 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,480 Their feet. 337 00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:18,040 - No, something higher up. - Their genitalia. 338 00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:20,880 - It's higher than that. - Their navels, they're navel-gazing. 339 00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:25,840 Yes. They're engaged in omphaloskepsis, or navel-gazing. 340 00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:28,440 So, the Greek for navel is omphalos, 341 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:30,160 and apparently it's an aid to meditation. 342 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:32,240 It doesn't look like what they're doing, does it? 343 00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:34,960 But in some yoga practices, it's regarded as an aid to meditation. 344 00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:36,320 It looks like they're thinking, 345 00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:38,480 "These pills I bought on the internet are not working. 346 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:41,840 "I've been bloody ripped off, haven't I?" 347 00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:45,240 You can never quite capture in a statue someone crying. 348 00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:50,520 - That's true, that's true. - And going, "Why me, God, why me?" 349 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:53,800 After having a couple of kids, I tell you, it's not meditative. 350 00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:56,520 I just see blind panic when I look at mine. 351 00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:58,960 We should all possibly panic when we look at our navels, 352 00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:03,520 because the average human navel has about 50 species of bacteria in it. 353 00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:05,200 That one's got a peanut in it. 354 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:09,600 Never mind bacteria, that's a whole peanut. 355 00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:11,200 They're very varied, aren't they? 356 00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:12,520 - Yeah. - Belly buttons. 357 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:15,480 An innie, an outie, and a kind of natural horizon. 358 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:19,280 Honestly, if you combine it with my man-breasts, 359 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:20,640 whenever I take my top off, 360 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:25,120 it looks like my midriff has been rejected for a loan. 361 00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:28,160 LAUGHTER 362 00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:32,520 It looks so depressed, 363 00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:34,960 like it's filled out all the forms and everything. 364 00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:40,640 But if you stand on your hands, does it look like it's got the loan? 365 00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:43,800 Yeah, I can turn upside down and it looks like it's in tax exile. 366 00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:47,840 Mine's got real passion. 367 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:49,520 It's got more range than this has. 368 00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:53,360 Do you know why there are innies or outies? 369 00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:54,560 Do you know what the reason is? 370 00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:56,200 It's just where they tie it off, isn't it? 371 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:57,800 No, it's nothing to do with that at all. 372 00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:00,400 So, after birth, the umbilical cord is cut to, whatever it is, 373 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,200 an inch or two from the newborn's belly, 374 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,680 and then it dries up and falls off as the muscles close up. 375 00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:06,880 And the navel is just the scar left, basically, 376 00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:08,120 from the base of the cord. 377 00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:10,120 And usually it ends up slightly retracted, 378 00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:12,280 but sometimes a bit of extra skin stays, that's all, 379 00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:14,720 and it makes it stick out or the muscles don't close off, 380 00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:17,240 and you're left with a little tiny protruding hernia. 381 00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:20,040 That one's got a hand growing out of it. 382 00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:22,560 LAUGHTER 383 00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:24,720 A bloody disaster, that. 384 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,200 It is amazing, they can remove your kidney, 385 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:29,040 your gall bladder through the navel, now. 386 00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:31,040 They don't have even any scarring. 387 00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:32,760 They've got to ask, though, haven't they? 388 00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:34,200 They do have to ask, yeah. 389 00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:38,560 They'll do you a tattoo of a little door. 390 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,720 It beats waking up in a bath on holiday 391 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:46,800 with all that ice around you. 392 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:48,520 "Not again!" 393 00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:50,240 They can do everything now, 394 00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:53,160 - they can turn you inside out through your navel. - Can they? - Yeah. 395 00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,520 - JOHNNY: - How can they turn you inside out? 396 00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:58,120 Just put your hand... It's like a duvet cover. 397 00:18:58,120 --> 00:18:59,760 LAUGHTER 398 00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:04,040 My mum has got some loose skin at the back. 399 00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:06,280 Next time she's holding drinks, I'm going to try the... 400 00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:12,320 "My mum's got some loose skin at the back." 401 00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:17,000 Well, I'm sure she's watching this, proud as ever. 402 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:20,160 "Oh, my Johnny's on television this evening, so proud of that boy." 403 00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,840 Her phone's already ringing off the hook. 404 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:26,160 "What's this about loose skin on your back? 405 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:27,880 "It's the talk of the street!" 406 00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:32,520 It's the only work I do that the girls from bingo watch. 407 00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:35,200 But imagine if she were still holding the tray of drinks. 408 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,920 And suddenly looking ten years younger. 409 00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:46,320 There's an underwear model, I think, Karolina Kurkova. 410 00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:48,840 She's got no belly button at all. Well, I mean... 411 00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:50,640 All humans ought to have a belly button 412 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:52,840 but I think there are a few people that don't... 413 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,400 Oh, now! There's a tattooed woman who's had the whites of her eyes 414 00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:58,520 tattooed blue, and she's had her navel removed. 415 00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:01,760 - I think you can do it as a cosmetic thing. - She's had her eyes... 416 00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:05,760 - Not her eyeballs? - Yes! - Her eyelids! - Yes, she has. - Or her eyeballs? 417 00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:06,920 Her eyeballs. 418 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:10,560 - Injected with purple ink. - So, you can get your eyeballs tattooed. 419 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:15,160 - It saves on mascara. Why would you do that? - I don't know. 420 00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:18,560 Because she probably saw it on QI and went, "Yeah, why not?" 421 00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:21,120 All you have to do is drink for 20 years and then you get 422 00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:22,720 a lovely shade of red. 423 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:26,440 It's all been worth it, Johnny. 424 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:31,840 Contemplating your navel can bring you both innie and outie peace. 425 00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:34,200 That's nice, isn't it? AUDIENCE GROANS 426 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:35,440 All right, back off! 427 00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:38,320 - When I get angry... - LAUGHTER 428 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:40,760 What am I an inch and a half taller than? 429 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:45,160 - I'm five foot tall. - The cast of Time Bandits. 430 00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:51,440 Kylie Minogue. She's 4' 11", isn't she? 431 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:53,640 - She is tiny. - You were an inch and a half - 432 00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:57,120 God rest his soul - smaller than Ronnie Corbett. 433 00:20:57,120 --> 00:20:58,400 Yes, Ronnie... 434 00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:01,880 - He was 5'1½". - ..Ronnie Corbett and I worked together often. 435 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:04,040 I remember playing golf with Ronnie, and he said, 436 00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:07,520 "Dear God, darling, from a distance we must look like a condiment set." 437 00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:10,760 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 438 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:17,640 I pay tribute to him, one of the funniest men I ever worked with. 439 00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:20,880 - A delight. - Is it a naval thing, anything to do with naval...? 440 00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:22,680 It is about exploration, it's about travel, 441 00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:25,480 but it's about travel in a different direction, away from... 442 00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:27,680 - Is it roller-coasters? - Space. - Space, yes, it's space. 443 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:31,240 Yes, it's the minimum height for Nasa. You need to be 4'10½". 444 00:21:31,240 --> 00:21:33,240 And the maximum is 6'4". 445 00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:35,920 Basically, you need to be tall enough to reach the controls, 446 00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,720 and not too tall to fit in the seat. 447 00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:40,320 The weird thing is that in space... I'd quite like to go, 448 00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:43,320 because you grow two inches because of the lack of gravity. 449 00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:45,960 So you would go into space and exceed the height limit, 450 00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:47,640 if you started out at 6'4"... 451 00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:50,360 LAUGHTER 452 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:56,920 APPLAUSE 453 00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:08,000 Surely it all comes crashing down once you land? 454 00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,200 As you're getting nearer and nearer the Earth... 455 00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:15,160 Yeah, but what if you're up in space, 456 00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:17,560 you're up in space and then they suddenly tell you 457 00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:19,840 - you're too tall? - Well, when astronaut Scott Kelly 458 00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:22,000 came back from the International Space Station, 459 00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:24,520 he had a twin brother. They had been the same height when he left, 460 00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:26,960 and he was two inches taller than his brother when he got back. 461 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:29,360 Once you get back to Earth, you shrink back pretty quickly. 462 00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:31,760 And the other thing... See, this would be very good, 463 00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:34,640 you'd like this, Johnny - it's very good for your figure, OK? 464 00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:36,720 Why would that be good for me, Sandi? 465 00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:42,520 - I'm dying to know. - Because your chest and navel might get a loan. 466 00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:45,760 But then... 467 00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:48,080 But then it would stretch, I'd get over competent, 468 00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:51,920 and then break the record for eating cheesecake in space. 469 00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:55,480 What happens is, in space, the internal organs move up 470 00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:58,520 inside the torso, so your waist shrinks by several inches. 471 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:01,120 So, on Earth, for example, the human leg muscles, 472 00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:04,600 they pump blood into the upper body against gravity, but in space, 473 00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:07,240 no gravity, so the blood and fluids get pumped upwards, 474 00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:08,920 and you get this buffed-up torso. 475 00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:11,200 Can you get breasts that sit above your clavicle, Sandi? 476 00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:14,640 - That would be great. - You sound like that's something that people want. 477 00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:16,440 They go, "Oh!" 478 00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:19,520 You could eat a pizza and keep it there for two weeks. 479 00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:25,640 If you've just got bad acid indigestion, you could do that. 480 00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:28,120 I'm used to reflux. 481 00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:30,320 This is very off-topic, but when I first met Johnny... 482 00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:33,680 - I don't know why you're apologising. - ..he had acid reflux. 483 00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:35,960 It was in the Gilded Balloon in Edinburgh, back in the day. 484 00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:40,720 And you were making home-made Gaviscon from half a pint of Baileys 485 00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:42,160 and half a pint of Cointreau. 486 00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:51,400 And you said... 487 00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:54,400 "Have a sip of that. It's home-made Gaviscon. 488 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:56,560 "It really takes the edge off." 489 00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:59,920 It was a drink that allowed you to keep on drinking whilst, 490 00:23:59,920 --> 00:24:03,520 you know, keeping the acid demons at bay. 491 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:06,240 Half a pint of Baileys, half a pint of Cointreau. 492 00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:08,480 Literally, a recipe for disaster. 493 00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:11,960 Did it work? Did it work, though? 494 00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:14,920 The Cointreau gives you an edge, and the Baileys... 495 00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:17,120 - Takes it away again. - ..takes away the edge. 496 00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:20,640 I'd quite like to see you in space, it'd be great. 497 00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:22,280 - Would you like to go? - I would love to go. 498 00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:26,160 - Is that the weightlessness? The view of Earth? - It's that it's so other. 499 00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:28,160 Apparently, the weirdest thing is, 500 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:30,920 because your organs are kind of up in the top of your body, 501 00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:34,040 you can also feel your food literally floating around as well. 502 00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,840 Helen Sharman talked about this weird feeling of your own food 503 00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:40,240 - floating inside because there's no gravity. - It doesn't appeal. 504 00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:42,400 Does it not? Oh, I would love to go. 505 00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:44,760 I wish they could send some poets and some artists up there, 506 00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:47,120 so we can get a bit more of an idea of what it actually... 507 00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:49,080 Because if you see anyone interviewed, they go, 508 00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:51,200 "Yeah, it's very nice." 509 00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:54,760 If they sent Will Self, do a video diary. 510 00:24:57,200 --> 00:24:59,000 "The majestic splendour of Earth... 511 00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:02,400 "..is a little disappointing. 512 00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:06,560 "14 days without a cigarette now." 513 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:09,200 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 514 00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:16,640 The minimum height for a Nasa astronaut is 4'10½", 515 00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:18,080 so, hope for me yet. 516 00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:21,480 Alan, what have you got that most people would describe as average 517 00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:23,520 - rather than large or small? - Oh... 518 00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:26,840 Don't you look handsome? 519 00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:29,680 - RONNI: - Oh, you do. - Look at you. - He dresses up well. 520 00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:32,440 When did people start wearing ties with a suit like that? 521 00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:33,800 When did that start happening? 522 00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:39,120 What have you got people would describe as average rather 523 00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:42,400 - than large or small? - All of me is average. - No, that's not true. 524 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,640 Nothing of me is large, or too small. 525 00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:49,600 So, it's in your visage. 526 00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:52,000 - The distance between his eyes. - Eyes, nose, mouth, teeth... 527 00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:54,480 - It's your nose, it's your nose. - Nose. - Here's the weird thing. 528 00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:57,160 Early British passports didn't have photographs at all 529 00:25:57,160 --> 00:26:00,280 so you had to describe your facial features. So, for nose, 530 00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:03,000 almost everybody wrote "average" rather than "large" or "small." 531 00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:04,920 I suppose, overall, they were right. 532 00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:13,360 If you wanted to appear authoritative, 533 00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:16,200 you could put "Roman," apparently. You could say you had a Roman nose. 534 00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:19,240 Other categories, forehead. How would you describe your forehead? 535 00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:22,080 I would describe mine as at least a six or possibly an eight head. 536 00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:27,880 I'd describe mine as an Ant, off of Ant and Dec. 537 00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:32,280 I can never remember which one that is. 538 00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:34,800 It's the one with the Jimmy Carter forehead. 539 00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:38,880 Complexion. How would you describe your complexion? 540 00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:41,760 - Those are the other things they've to do. - I would say ruddy. - Ruddy... 541 00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:44,440 - Ruddy is good. - Ruddy was good. - "I've got a ruddy complexion." 542 00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:45,520 "Fresh" was good. 543 00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,120 The British government apparently disliked the idea of putting 544 00:26:48,120 --> 00:26:50,000 physical descriptions on passports. 545 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:54,280 It meant that British people would be scrutinised by foreigners. 546 00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:55,520 Quite right, too. 547 00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:58,520 Those were the days when it was only the British that travelled. 548 00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:00,440 - And everyone trusted us anyway. - Absolutely. 549 00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:02,440 In 1835, the Foreign Secretary, Lord Palmerston, 550 00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:05,680 argued with the Belgian government saying, "Requirements to provide 551 00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:08,320 "one's height and eye colour was degrading and offensive." 552 00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:10,760 And, besides, none of us want to come to Belgium. 553 00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:13,720 How things have changed. 554 00:27:13,720 --> 00:27:17,840 My eight-year-old was body searched and swept for explosives twice. 555 00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:20,000 - Your eight-year-old? - And, guess what? 556 00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:22,880 She was clear so we can all sleep easy in our beds. 557 00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:25,960 So, what was... Why was she going alone to Syria? 558 00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:35,120 There's a fantastic letter written in 1914 by a man 559 00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:37,840 called Bassett Digby. It says, "Sir. 560 00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:39,840 "A little light might be shed with advantage 561 00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:42,480 "upon the high-handed methods of the passports department 562 00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:44,920 "of the Foreign Office. On the form provided for the purpose, 563 00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:47,600 "I described my face as 'intelligent.' 564 00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:50,480 "Instead of finding this characterisation entered, 565 00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:52,960 "I have received a passport in which some official, 566 00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:55,920 "utterly unknown to me, has taken it upon himself 567 00:27:55,920 --> 00:27:57,440 "to call my face 'oval.'" 568 00:27:59,880 --> 00:28:04,400 - That's so brilliant. You could just be anybody you wanted to be. - Yeah. 569 00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:05,880 Why do you think it changed? 570 00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:08,760 Why did we suddenly think, actually, that's not a good idea, 571 00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:11,800 - these written physical descriptions? - Wartime? - Yeah. It's World War I. 572 00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:14,120 We suddenly got very anxious about German spies. 573 00:28:14,120 --> 00:28:16,640 We thought, actually, they don't take a good photograph. 574 00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:18,880 We'll take photographs. It'll be absolutely fine. 575 00:28:18,880 --> 00:28:22,800 - Who doesn't need a passport? - I presume the Queen. - Her Majesty. 576 00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:25,600 - But she has to bring a 20. - Yeah. 577 00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:30,400 "Could you just turn to the side, ma'am?" "Certainly. That's me." 578 00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:33,760 The passport is issued in her name and, therefore, she is, 579 00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:35,400 as it were, a passport. 580 00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:37,440 So she doesn't need to carry one. 581 00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:40,840 Now, for a truly gigantic feat of navigation. Every year, 582 00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:44,080 this bird flies 5,000 miles across the Pacific. 583 00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:46,640 What does it do when it gets there? 584 00:28:46,640 --> 00:28:47,960 Has a cocktail. 585 00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:49,960 I like that it has a cocktail, but no. 586 00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:53,480 - Remembers it's left the gas on? - Sweet. 587 00:28:53,480 --> 00:28:55,560 Unclips its wings, unzips, 588 00:28:55,560 --> 00:28:57,120 and it's an otter. 589 00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:05,560 Two points to Johnny. 590 00:29:05,560 --> 00:29:09,400 It goes to duty-free, gets 200 fags, flies back. 591 00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:13,480 Well, the last part is, in fact, correct. 592 00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:16,000 - What, it flies 5,000 miles...? - It's the weirdest thing. 593 00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:19,720 It has a rest, and then it goes back again. 594 00:29:19,720 --> 00:29:23,200 It's the ancient murrelet, and it's a Pacific sea bird. 595 00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:25,920 The common murre is a large auk, so the murrelet is a small one. 596 00:29:25,920 --> 00:29:28,360 And it's called "ancient" because of its grey back, 597 00:29:28,360 --> 00:29:30,720 it's supposed to look like a shawl draped over... 598 00:29:30,720 --> 00:29:32,680 draped over an old person's shoulders. 599 00:29:32,680 --> 00:29:36,040 And every year it travels 5,000 miles across the North Pacific, 600 00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:39,040 from western Canada to the seas off Japan, and then the following 601 00:29:39,040 --> 00:29:43,720 spring, it goes back again for no discernible benefit whatsoever. 602 00:29:43,720 --> 00:29:47,080 Do you think it's just disappointed with its destination? 603 00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:50,520 Well, mostly they migrate for warmer weather, or better food sources. 604 00:29:50,520 --> 00:29:53,880 But the food and the climate is the same at both ends. 605 00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:57,320 So, the only explanation scientists have come up with is that 606 00:29:57,320 --> 00:30:00,760 it is automatically following an ancient migration route, 607 00:30:00,760 --> 00:30:02,240 which used to make sense, 608 00:30:02,240 --> 00:30:05,640 and the poor bird hasn't realised yet that it's pointless. 609 00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:09,640 - You mean there's no benefit in the seasons, or the climate? - No. 610 00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:11,520 - No benefit whatsoever. - Or the temperature? 611 00:30:11,520 --> 00:30:14,040 You do have the penguins on the beach in South Africa, 612 00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:18,280 so, they just get there, and they're going, "Ha. Ha!" 613 00:30:18,280 --> 00:30:20,120 And there's a kind of social awkwardness. 614 00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:22,920 And they go, "Come on, Mildred, we're leaving. 615 00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:26,560 "Don't take your coat off. We're not staying." 616 00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:30,440 They go from western Canada to the seas off Japan. 617 00:30:30,440 --> 00:30:33,280 I don't think they take in South Africa on the way. 618 00:30:33,280 --> 00:30:36,040 You know what? In my head, it was a great theory. 619 00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:39,400 The Arctic terns are extraordinary. 620 00:30:39,400 --> 00:30:43,920 Every year, they travel up to 50,000 miles between the Earth's poles. 621 00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:47,400 - What's their act? Out of interest. - What kind of a "turn" is it? 622 00:30:47,400 --> 00:30:49,800 - Yeah. - I'm there with you. 623 00:30:49,800 --> 00:30:53,320 Rather than flying directly from the Arctic to Antarctica, 624 00:30:53,320 --> 00:30:56,760 they go on a route which adds 1,800 miles to the trip. 625 00:30:56,760 --> 00:30:58,600 So, it's incredibly complicated. 626 00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:01,040 But they take advantage of the global wind system, 627 00:31:01,040 --> 00:31:02,800 so they're probably saving energy. 628 00:31:02,800 --> 00:31:05,520 I'm sorry, could that map be a little bit less clear? 629 00:31:07,080 --> 00:31:09,560 I'd just like to know less about what's going on. 630 00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:14,040 If my child had three crayons in a pizza parlour. 631 00:31:14,040 --> 00:31:16,080 Sorry, what's that telling us? 632 00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:18,760 - Spaghetti's delicious. - It's showing us they don't go straight 633 00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:20,400 from the Antarctic to the Arctic. 634 00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:23,360 That's what you call cartologists covering their options, aren't they? 635 00:31:23,360 --> 00:31:27,440 Most of the journey, they're going, "Whoa! 636 00:31:27,440 --> 00:31:29,360 "It's windy! It's windy!" 637 00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:32,320 Imagine, though, to travel that far. 638 00:31:32,320 --> 00:31:34,600 Although the longest nonstop flight ever recorded 639 00:31:34,600 --> 00:31:36,320 is the bar-tailed godwit, 640 00:31:36,320 --> 00:31:39,840 and when it migrates, it flies 7,100 miles without stopping. 641 00:31:39,840 --> 00:31:42,640 - I once went to Swansea for 70 quid. - Did you? 642 00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:45,640 A very similar journey. 643 00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:48,240 Equally pointless. 644 00:31:50,680 --> 00:31:54,560 - Did you get there and come straight back again? - I wanted to. 645 00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:57,320 Someone put me up and it turned out all right. 646 00:31:57,320 --> 00:31:59,760 I do find the whole navigation thing so extraordinary. 647 00:31:59,760 --> 00:32:02,800 Sand wasps fly backwards around their home when they leave in 648 00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:05,960 the morning, and it's to make sure they can find their way back again. 649 00:32:05,960 --> 00:32:08,480 They check out exactly what it looks like around their home, 650 00:32:08,480 --> 00:32:10,960 so they fly backwards away from home, check out what it's like. 651 00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:12,680 That's what you should be doing, Johnny. 652 00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:15,120 Just walk backwards around your house a few times. 653 00:32:15,120 --> 00:32:16,680 You'll never get lost again! 654 00:32:17,920 --> 00:32:20,760 Now, it's time for us to pull out the bungs and immerse ourselves 655 00:32:20,760 --> 00:32:23,160 in the murky waters of general ignorance, 656 00:32:23,160 --> 00:32:24,960 so fingers on buzzers, please. 657 00:32:26,240 --> 00:32:29,600 What is the fastest swimming stroke? 658 00:32:29,600 --> 00:32:32,640 - RASPY HONK Jimmy. - Dolphin. 659 00:32:32,640 --> 00:32:34,800 Well, dolphins are jolly quick, 660 00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:37,160 but even they can't do this stroke. 661 00:32:37,160 --> 00:32:39,120 But they could probably beat whoever's doing it. 662 00:32:39,120 --> 00:32:41,120 What they can do, which we can't do, 663 00:32:41,120 --> 00:32:42,920 we create a bow wave when we're swimming 664 00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:46,040 and dolphins are able to leap over it, so there's no water resistance. 665 00:32:46,040 --> 00:32:48,480 So, points for that then. 100% right. 666 00:32:48,480 --> 00:32:50,840 No. It isn't the fastest swimming stroke. 667 00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:52,720 Are we looking for a human stroke? 668 00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:56,480 It is a stroke that humans can do, but we got it from somewhere else. 669 00:32:56,480 --> 00:32:59,680 - The butterfly. - Oh, I like that we got it from the butterfly. 670 00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:02,120 I like that. 671 00:33:02,120 --> 00:33:03,400 The backstroke. 672 00:33:03,400 --> 00:33:05,960 No, it's not the butterfly, it's not the crawl. 673 00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:08,560 - Doggy paddle! - The tumble turn. 674 00:33:08,560 --> 00:33:11,640 When they turn, and then they swim, do you know what they do then? 675 00:33:11,640 --> 00:33:13,640 Oh, that sort of wiggling underwater bit? 676 00:33:13,640 --> 00:33:16,160 The wiggling underwater thing, it's called the fish kick. 677 00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:19,800 You know what else they call it? They call it "the dolphin." 678 00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:22,360 Because that's exactly what a dolphin does. 679 00:33:22,360 --> 00:33:24,800 Literally points, cos, I mean, that is a dolphin. 680 00:33:24,800 --> 00:33:27,800 - He's doing the dolphin. - In Jimmy's defence, they don't wear Speedos, 681 00:33:27,800 --> 00:33:30,200 - but they look very similar. - They do look very similar. 682 00:33:30,200 --> 00:33:33,280 You're only allowed to swim underwater for the first 15m, 683 00:33:33,280 --> 00:33:35,800 so that's why people don't do it in competitive swimming. 684 00:33:35,800 --> 00:33:37,720 Although there are some fantastic... 685 00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:42,680 This is an American swimmer, who has the best name ever. Her name is... 686 00:33:42,680 --> 00:33:48,080 - Is it Hyman? - She's called Misty Hyman. - Misty Hyman. - I do know her. 687 00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:52,080 She's one of the most famous proponents 688 00:33:52,080 --> 00:33:54,360 of this underwater fish kick. 689 00:33:54,360 --> 00:33:57,400 And she thinks underwater swimming would be rather fine for audiences. 690 00:33:57,400 --> 00:33:59,680 She said, they would have the excitement of wondering 691 00:33:59,680 --> 00:34:01,200 where you're going to pop up again. 692 00:34:01,200 --> 00:34:04,040 I very much enjoyed the interviews they did with the swimmers 693 00:34:04,040 --> 00:34:07,160 who won gold medals in the Olympics. And I remember one of them saying, 694 00:34:07,160 --> 00:34:09,440 they said, "What was his secret?" He said, "I realised 695 00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:11,640 "the competition was very stiff, so I put my head down 696 00:34:11,640 --> 00:34:12,760 "and swam really fast." 697 00:34:14,880 --> 00:34:16,480 Always good. 698 00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:21,120 Now, what did Highland warriors wear at the Battle of Bannockburn? 699 00:34:21,120 --> 00:34:22,160 Kilts. 700 00:34:23,400 --> 00:34:25,160 No, not kilts, no. 701 00:34:27,360 --> 00:34:29,320 - Here's a random Scandinavian fact. - Oh, OK. 702 00:34:29,320 --> 00:34:33,640 The word kilt comes from the Danish word kilte, meaning tuck. 703 00:34:33,640 --> 00:34:36,560 - So it's actually a Danish word. - Oh! - Yes, that's rather fine. 704 00:34:36,560 --> 00:34:38,720 But medieval Scottish warriors did not wear kilts 705 00:34:38,720 --> 00:34:41,600 when they went into battle. What did they wear, anybody know? 706 00:34:41,600 --> 00:34:43,760 - Dungarees. - Pantaloons! - It was a yellow tunic. 707 00:34:43,760 --> 00:34:45,120 A yellow tunic?! 708 00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:47,520 A yellow tunic, called a leine croich. 709 00:34:47,520 --> 00:34:49,320 I love the bloke on the left's got one of those 710 00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:50,640 umbrella hats from the fair. 711 00:34:50,640 --> 00:34:52,440 Yes, they're rather fine, aren't they? 712 00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:54,240 He's trying to knock it off. 713 00:34:54,240 --> 00:34:56,560 - SCOTTISH ACCENT: - "That's a stupid hat!" 714 00:34:59,240 --> 00:35:00,880 "It's not even raining!" 715 00:35:02,760 --> 00:35:05,000 What was weird, they used saffron to make them yellow. 716 00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:07,320 But if they didn't have saffron, they used to use... 717 00:35:07,320 --> 00:35:08,920 - Urine! - Yes. 718 00:35:08,920 --> 00:35:11,400 - Horse urine. - Very keen on the yellow, then. 719 00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:13,040 "Pish-stained tunic." 720 00:35:13,040 --> 00:35:14,440 Urine was in all the tweeds as well, 721 00:35:14,440 --> 00:35:16,760 because they used to use it to fix the colours of the tweeds. 722 00:35:16,760 --> 00:35:18,000 Yeah, but still, you know, 723 00:35:18,000 --> 00:35:20,120 "Can we not make it green from the grass?" 724 00:35:20,120 --> 00:35:21,840 "No, keep on pissing on it." 725 00:35:23,680 --> 00:35:27,640 That horse has got the hots for the painter. 726 00:35:27,640 --> 00:35:30,000 Yeah, he's looking right at him, isn't he? 727 00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:33,720 "Hello. Are you getting my best side? 728 00:35:33,720 --> 00:35:36,840 "Don't paint the twat in the umbrella hat, for God's sake." 729 00:35:36,840 --> 00:35:41,080 We do have an image, don't we, of the kilt being part of the attire? 730 00:35:41,080 --> 00:35:42,600 - Very much so. - But, in fact, 731 00:35:42,600 --> 00:35:45,000 it was invented for a totally different reason, it was... 732 00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:47,400 Invented for weddings. They're always in weddings. 733 00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:51,400 - No, it was... - Sometimes you can have too much material for a kilt. 734 00:35:53,120 --> 00:35:55,440 "Just wrap it round here, don't worry about it." 735 00:35:55,440 --> 00:35:57,480 "One day they'll invent scissors." 736 00:35:58,880 --> 00:36:01,960 It was actually invented in the 1720s by an English Quaker 737 00:36:01,960 --> 00:36:04,440 and industrialist, a man called Thomas Rawlinson, 738 00:36:04,440 --> 00:36:07,240 and he wanted a safer item of clothing for his employees, 739 00:36:07,240 --> 00:36:09,400 his Scottish employees, in his iron foundry. 740 00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:13,960 Can I suggest you don't go north of the border and mention that fact? 741 00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:16,120 Well, the word tartan comes from Middle French - 742 00:36:16,120 --> 00:36:17,680 they won't like any of it, really. 743 00:36:17,680 --> 00:36:20,480 The word kilt is Danish - none of it's good. 744 00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:22,560 Did he have a shop for tourists in Edinburgh? 745 00:36:22,560 --> 00:36:24,040 Was that why he was secretly...? 746 00:36:24,040 --> 00:36:26,200 Have you ever been in one of those shops that says, 747 00:36:26,200 --> 00:36:28,240 "We can find the tartan for any surname"? 748 00:36:28,240 --> 00:36:30,080 - Oh, yeah. - Apparently not. 749 00:36:32,720 --> 00:36:34,760 Sorry, can you explain what you're wearing? 750 00:36:34,760 --> 00:36:38,800 Ah, yes, the great Danish Toksvig tartan! 751 00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:41,480 - It's rather fetching. - Sandi, would you speak a bit of Danish for us? 752 00:36:41,480 --> 00:36:44,480 SHE SPEAKS DANISH 753 00:36:44,480 --> 00:36:46,840 - So, there we are. - Did she just make that up? - No, I just said... 754 00:36:46,840 --> 00:36:48,200 No, she just said it backwards. 755 00:36:49,400 --> 00:36:53,080 - I said, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. - Thank you! 756 00:36:53,080 --> 00:36:56,120 I can lie in two languages. If you... 757 00:36:56,120 --> 00:36:57,720 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 758 00:37:01,360 --> 00:37:04,640 If you're so hungry you could eat a kilt, don't eat the yellow ones, 759 00:37:04,640 --> 00:37:06,200 that's the advice. 760 00:37:06,200 --> 00:37:08,720 Name a cold-blooded creature. 761 00:37:08,720 --> 00:37:09,880 Lizard. 762 00:37:15,480 --> 00:37:19,600 So, there are some, yes, but there are also... 763 00:37:19,600 --> 00:37:21,600 That's why they like the sun to warm up. 764 00:37:21,600 --> 00:37:25,000 - We've had it on here before, I learnt that on here! - Yes. 765 00:37:25,000 --> 00:37:26,760 LAUGHTER 766 00:37:26,760 --> 00:37:28,880 He's spent ten years doing this show 767 00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:30,720 for pieces of information like that! 768 00:37:30,720 --> 00:37:33,520 - But I've arrived with new information! - Oh, no! 769 00:37:33,520 --> 00:37:34,920 Simon Cowell. 770 00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:39,440 There are in fact warm-blooded lizards, 771 00:37:39,440 --> 00:37:40,880 and indeed warm-blooded fish. 772 00:37:40,880 --> 00:37:42,320 Almost all reptiles, you're right. 773 00:37:42,320 --> 00:37:44,960 - That's a horrible picture. - It's not a good one, no. 774 00:37:44,960 --> 00:37:48,320 That is a yacare caiman eating a catfish. 775 00:37:48,320 --> 00:37:50,640 Or a catfish eating the caiman's tongue. 776 00:37:52,360 --> 00:37:54,480 Almost all reptiles and fish are cold-blooded, 777 00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:57,200 so they depend on their surroundings to heat them up. 778 00:37:57,200 --> 00:38:00,240 However, in 2015, we have just had new news - 779 00:38:00,240 --> 00:38:03,320 scientists have discovered warm-blooded lizards and fish. 780 00:38:03,320 --> 00:38:04,640 - Argh! - I know. 781 00:38:04,640 --> 00:38:06,160 So that lizard there, on the left, 782 00:38:06,160 --> 00:38:09,560 can heat itself up to ten degrees warmer than its environment 783 00:38:09,560 --> 00:38:11,920 and nobody knows why. 784 00:38:11,920 --> 00:38:13,440 And they both live together? 785 00:38:13,440 --> 00:38:14,480 No, they don't. 786 00:38:15,640 --> 00:38:18,400 They look surprised, the fish looks very surprised. 787 00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:19,760 It's called an opah fish. 788 00:38:19,760 --> 00:38:22,120 It's the only completely warm-blooded fish. 789 00:38:22,120 --> 00:38:23,400 How is it the only one? 790 00:38:23,400 --> 00:38:24,800 Is it just really awkward? 791 00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:30,640 I'm sorry, how do you become the only fish that's warm-blooded 792 00:38:30,640 --> 00:38:31,960 out of a whole...? 793 00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:34,240 Or did it just have an overbearing mum who made it 794 00:38:34,240 --> 00:38:37,520 a hot-water bottle and it just ate it and had an idea? 795 00:38:37,520 --> 00:38:38,680 It's a really good question, 796 00:38:38,680 --> 00:38:42,320 because the fact is we don't know how warm-bloodedness evolved. 797 00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:43,880 Ate a hot-water bottle! 798 00:38:45,440 --> 00:38:47,520 Looks like a hot-water bottle shape. 799 00:38:47,520 --> 00:38:51,200 What's more prevalent, post the wipe-out of the dinosaurs? 800 00:38:51,200 --> 00:38:52,560 Isn't there a theory they died 801 00:38:52,560 --> 00:38:54,320 because of the change in temperature? 802 00:38:54,320 --> 00:38:55,840 The thing is, dinosaurs were neither 803 00:38:55,840 --> 00:38:58,600 warm-blooded nor cold-blooded, they were somewhere in between. 804 00:38:58,600 --> 00:39:01,280 - There were just right, weren't they? - They were just right! 805 00:39:01,280 --> 00:39:03,400 They had lovely Goldilocks blood. 806 00:39:03,400 --> 00:39:06,600 Because there are disadvantages to being warm-blooded, OK? 807 00:39:06,600 --> 00:39:09,440 Because one of the things is you have to keep eating to get fuel 808 00:39:09,440 --> 00:39:11,440 to maintain the constant body temperature. 809 00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:14,400 So, if, for example, a lion was as big as a Tyrannosaurus rex, 810 00:39:14,400 --> 00:39:17,240 it probably wouldn't be able to eat enough to survive. 811 00:39:17,240 --> 00:39:19,280 Isn't there a theory on the dinosaurs 812 00:39:19,280 --> 00:39:22,440 where they died out because over a certain temperature 813 00:39:22,440 --> 00:39:24,160 all the eggs hatched as male, 814 00:39:24,160 --> 00:39:26,560 and below a certain temperature they all hatched as female, 815 00:39:26,560 --> 00:39:29,480 and then the temperature went down and they all hatched as female, 816 00:39:29,480 --> 00:39:32,080 and then there were no more... no-one to mate with? 817 00:39:32,080 --> 00:39:34,360 Well, there are many theories about how the dinosaurs... 818 00:39:34,360 --> 00:39:36,720 But that's the correct one. 819 00:39:36,720 --> 00:39:40,280 The one that I can vaguely remember, I'm 90% sure it's 100% correct. 820 00:39:40,280 --> 00:39:43,040 There's someone who's never watched King Kong. 821 00:39:45,560 --> 00:39:48,240 Massive gorilla, mate. Twatted all of them. 822 00:39:48,240 --> 00:39:51,360 LAUGHTER 823 00:39:51,360 --> 00:39:53,720 Well, that's spoilt the end of that film. Now... 824 00:39:55,200 --> 00:40:00,400 What was the name of the village where Napoleon was defeated in 1815? 825 00:40:00,400 --> 00:40:02,040 - Ah... - Ah... 826 00:40:02,040 --> 00:40:04,640 Definitely was, I mean, 100%. 827 00:40:04,640 --> 00:40:06,920 - RASPY HONK - It was Waterloo. 828 00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:08,640 - No. - It was! 829 00:40:08,640 --> 00:40:11,560 - It definitely was. - It wasn't. - No. - Well... 830 00:40:11,560 --> 00:40:15,080 The Battle of Waterloo did not take place at Waterloo. 831 00:40:15,080 --> 00:40:17,600 It is called that because it's where the Duke of Wellington 832 00:40:17,600 --> 00:40:19,160 stayed the night after the battle, 833 00:40:19,160 --> 00:40:21,880 and it's where he wrote to his superiors about the battle. 834 00:40:21,880 --> 00:40:24,720 But, in fact, most of the battle happened a few miles away 835 00:40:24,720 --> 00:40:28,800 in the municipalities of Braine-l'Alleud and Lasne. 836 00:40:28,800 --> 00:40:31,760 You'd be really pissed off if you were a little village 837 00:40:31,760 --> 00:40:34,920 or a little town and your claim to fame was a massive victory, 838 00:40:34,920 --> 00:40:38,520 and you have to spend all the time going, "No, it was here, with us." 839 00:40:38,520 --> 00:40:41,720 - It's a few miles up... - I'm going to write to Abba now. 840 00:40:41,720 --> 00:40:44,360 What should the song be called? What should it be called? 841 00:40:44,360 --> 00:40:46,960 The municipality of Braine-l'Alleud and Lasne. 842 00:40:46,960 --> 00:40:48,880 That's bit difficult to rhyme, but OK. 843 00:40:48,880 --> 00:40:51,280 - Yeah. - Municipality... - Yeah. 844 00:40:51,280 --> 00:40:54,560 - That's going to ruin "Mamma Mia!", but fine, have it your way. - I know. 845 00:40:54,560 --> 00:40:56,960 The Battle of Waterloo didn't happen in Waterloo. 846 00:40:56,960 --> 00:41:00,240 And, finally, who wore the trousers in Britain in the 18th century? 847 00:41:00,240 --> 00:41:01,800 No-one. 848 00:41:01,800 --> 00:41:04,400 Somebody did. One class of person. 849 00:41:04,400 --> 00:41:06,480 Where have we been from the beginning? 850 00:41:06,480 --> 00:41:09,920 - The sailors. - Oh, sailor! - The sailors, absolutely right. 851 00:41:09,920 --> 00:41:13,560 It was only sailors. Men wore britches and women wore skirts. 852 00:41:13,560 --> 00:41:15,840 And trousers were specifically defined 853 00:41:15,840 --> 00:41:20,480 in a 1718 nautical dictionary as a sort of loose britches of canvas, 854 00:41:20,480 --> 00:41:22,120 worn by common sailors. 855 00:41:22,120 --> 00:41:23,680 So what about your officer class? 856 00:41:23,680 --> 00:41:26,360 - They'd have britches, wouldn't they? - They'd have britches on, yes. 857 00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:28,720 In fact, the Duke of Wellington was once thrown out of a club 858 00:41:28,720 --> 00:41:31,520 - for wearing trousers. - All been there, eh, Johnny? 859 00:41:31,520 --> 00:41:34,560 LAUGHTER 860 00:41:35,560 --> 00:41:38,000 "Why are you throwing me out?" "Because of your trousers!" 861 00:41:38,000 --> 00:41:40,560 Actually, Nelson died on deck partly because he was wearing 862 00:41:40,560 --> 00:41:42,160 his epaulettes, so he could be seen. 863 00:41:42,160 --> 00:41:44,720 Whereas Wellington, rather famously, wore dark clothing 864 00:41:44,720 --> 00:41:46,880 with no decorations. He's one of the first people 865 00:41:46,880 --> 00:41:48,360 who wore camouflage, as it were. 866 00:41:48,360 --> 00:41:50,200 He didn't want the enemy to be able to spot him. 867 00:41:50,200 --> 00:41:52,480 Nelson refused to take them off, didn't he? 868 00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:55,320 They pleaded with him to take off because 869 00:41:55,320 --> 00:41:57,320 - he could be seen and become a target. - Yeah. 870 00:41:57,320 --> 00:41:59,840 Although, originally, he had discouraged other officers 871 00:41:59,840 --> 00:42:02,760 from wearing them, saying it was too French, but it was important to him 872 00:42:02,760 --> 00:42:05,000 that he, as it were, led the way. So, anyway... 873 00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:07,320 In the 18th century, the only people who wore trousers 874 00:42:07,320 --> 00:42:08,680 were jolly Jack Tars. 875 00:42:08,680 --> 00:42:11,720 And that's your lot for tonight - time to settle the old scores. 876 00:42:11,720 --> 00:42:13,480 Well, it's an outright win. 877 00:42:13,480 --> 00:42:17,160 With a magnificent seven points, it's Ronni. 878 00:42:17,160 --> 00:42:19,240 Did I win?! 879 00:42:19,240 --> 00:42:21,200 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 880 00:42:23,080 --> 00:42:24,720 In second place, and I'm very surprised, 881 00:42:24,720 --> 00:42:26,960 because he had winner written all over him, 882 00:42:26,960 --> 00:42:28,680 but with one point, it's Johnny. 883 00:42:28,680 --> 00:42:30,880 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 884 00:42:35,440 --> 00:42:38,960 In third place, with -2, it's Jimmy. 885 00:42:38,960 --> 00:42:41,520 -2. What was the point? 886 00:42:41,520 --> 00:42:43,320 What was the point of that? 887 00:42:43,320 --> 00:42:46,520 And an epic fail, -36, Alan. 888 00:42:46,520 --> 00:42:48,880 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 889 00:42:56,520 --> 00:42:59,240 That brings us to the end of our naval adventures. 890 00:42:59,240 --> 00:43:01,480 Thanks to Ronni, Jimmy, Johnny and Alan. 891 00:43:01,480 --> 00:43:03,960 And I leave you with this nautical headline 892 00:43:03,960 --> 00:43:05,720 from the Western Daily Press - 893 00:43:05,720 --> 00:43:08,240 "Fish rescued from a large pool of water." 894 00:43:09,960 --> 00:43:12,800 LAUGHTER 895 00:43:12,800 --> 00:43:14,000 Goodnight. 896 00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:16,240 APPLAUSE