1 00:00:29,518 --> 00:00:30,895 Hey! 2 00:00:32,813 --> 00:00:34,781 Hello and welcome to QI. 3 00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:39,495 About a third of the total used by British fertility clinics 4 00:00:39,496 --> 00:00:41,905 is Viking sperm. Wow. Really? 5 00:00:41,906 --> 00:00:43,123 Why have they got so much? 6 00:00:43,124 --> 00:00:47,410 Is it because it's dark like 20 hours out of 24? 7 00:00:47,411 --> 00:00:49,375 It doesn't get dark in Denmark like that. 8 00:00:49,376 --> 00:00:52,293 How do you cope with having one and a half hours of daylight? 9 00:00:52,294 --> 00:00:54,712 It doesn't happen. It doesn't happen! 10 00:00:54,713 --> 00:00:57,509 Denmark's the same as Scotland, where you come from. 11 00:01:02,927 --> 00:01:05,180 Oh, applauding that. 12 00:01:06,263 --> 00:01:10,558 It's up in the Arctic Circle, like way, way further. 13 00:01:10,559 --> 00:01:13,358 A Danish winter is about one and a half hours daylight. 14 00:01:13,359 --> 00:01:14,604 No, darling, no. 15 00:01:14,605 --> 00:01:17,273 You keep saying the same thing. 16 00:01:17,274 --> 00:01:19,025 It's true. It's wrong. It's not, it's true. 17 00:01:19,026 --> 00:01:20,777 An hour and a half... So... No darling... 18 00:01:20,778 --> 00:01:22,826 I've been there. An hour-and-a-half. 19 00:01:25,574 --> 00:01:28,578 Here's the thing, if that's not true and the more you say it, 20 00:01:28,579 --> 00:01:32,168 the more points are going to make it not true for you. 21 00:01:32,169 --> 00:01:34,165 All right, when I went to Denmark, right... 22 00:01:34,166 --> 00:01:37,168 Was it night-time? 23 00:01:37,169 --> 00:01:40,594 It was always night-time. 24 00:01:43,133 --> 00:01:45,885 You've come home late, you've slept through the day - 25 00:01:45,886 --> 00:01:49,603 I did it as a teenager - and you wake up at five in the afternoon and 26 00:01:49,604 --> 00:01:53,603 you don't see the daylight. You're like a ghost. But for all... 27 00:01:53,604 --> 00:01:57,438 It was dark for 20-odd hours per day in winter. 28 00:01:57,439 --> 00:02:00,862 But your inability to distinguish the Scandinavian countries means 29 00:02:00,863 --> 00:02:02,281 it's possible you were in Norway. 30 00:02:04,196 --> 00:02:06,197 That is possible. 31 00:02:06,198 --> 00:02:08,121 It is possible I was in one of the other countries. 32 00:02:08,122 --> 00:02:10,336 But is it not true? It was about an hour and a half... 33 00:02:10,337 --> 00:02:11,670 Stop saying it! 34 00:02:13,914 --> 00:02:17,380 Puritan couples could have a conversation and they would talk 35 00:02:17,381 --> 00:02:18,590 through a tube and, in fact, 36 00:02:18,591 --> 00:02:21,635 those were then used as the very first commercial hearing aids, 37 00:02:21,636 --> 00:02:22,922 about 1800. 38 00:02:22,923 --> 00:02:25,927 So, have a look at that. These ones are actually... 39 00:02:25,928 --> 00:02:27,552 This will work, will it? 40 00:02:27,553 --> 00:02:28,975 If you speak... Oh, Jesus. 41 00:02:30,347 --> 00:02:31,472 What's wrong with you? 42 00:02:31,473 --> 00:02:34,809 Speak in it to yourself and then you can hear most clearly. 43 00:02:34,810 --> 00:02:35,810 I can just do that. 44 00:02:37,521 --> 00:02:38,943 Hello, Ross. Hello. 45 00:02:41,233 --> 00:02:43,782 Hello. I can hear you. Germany calling. 46 00:02:45,654 --> 00:02:48,656 The one in the picture, we actually have here. 47 00:02:48,657 --> 00:02:50,705 Oh, that's the one in the picture? The one in the picture. 48 00:02:50,706 --> 00:02:52,453 I can't look quite as cheerful. 49 00:02:53,912 --> 00:02:55,580 I can hear the sea. 50 00:02:55,581 --> 00:02:57,709 Is that what you're supposed to...? 51 00:02:59,585 --> 00:03:01,881 You know how people worry about what earrings to wear? 52 00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:04,344 Those, I think, are working. They're working for you. 53 00:03:04,345 --> 00:03:06,934 You look like Mickey Mouse and Prince Charles had a child. 54 00:03:14,683 --> 00:03:16,276 You put that bit in your ear, you wombat. 55 00:03:16,277 --> 00:03:17,315 Hello. 56 00:03:19,313 --> 00:03:22,283 I wonder will this like amplify it between that and the... 57 00:03:22,284 --> 00:03:23,400 Oh, no way. 58 00:03:26,111 --> 00:03:30,907 Just to get on the show again, you must be joking. 59 00:03:30,908 --> 00:03:33,252 How do you get urine off a nun'? 60 00:03:36,455 --> 00:03:38,623 I don't think that nuns pee at all. 61 00:03:38,624 --> 00:03:39,625 Oh. 62 00:03:41,210 --> 00:03:42,380 I know a lot about nuns. 63 00:03:42,381 --> 00:03:45,131 Do you? Why's that? Because I was educated by them and it was 64 00:03:45,132 --> 00:03:47,345 in a boarding school, so I actually lived with them. 65 00:03:47,346 --> 00:03:48,886 Right. And they never weed? 66 00:03:48,887 --> 00:03:51,844 Never. I never saw one of them enter or leave a bathroom. 67 00:03:51,845 --> 00:03:54,519 The thing is, they've got those very long frocks on, haven't they? 68 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:57,312 Very long frocks and they might have some sort of divine catheter or 69 00:03:57,313 --> 00:03:58,982 something, but they don't... 70 00:04:00,145 --> 00:04:03,398 But you don't see them coming out of the bathroom. 71 00:04:03,399 --> 00:04:07,902 The divine catheter are a great group, aren't they? 72 00:04:07,903 --> 00:04:11,828 Everybody at home playing QI bingo, that's "Divine Catheter". 73 00:04:14,618 --> 00:04:17,495 In the 18th century, women who wore the long frocks used to have 74 00:04:17,496 --> 00:04:20,543 the equivalent of a gravy boat on a sort of ribbon for long church services. 75 00:04:20,544 --> 00:04:23,670 They actually had one of those things we were all just imagining in our heads? 76 00:04:23,671 --> 00:04:26,421 Yes, they did. They actually did. A gravy boat on a ribbon. 77 00:04:26,422 --> 00:04:27,423 Yep. 78 00:04:30,551 --> 00:04:32,791 Is this urine in the picture, or is it just something...? 79 00:04:34,096 --> 00:04:36,975 The gravy boat's fallen off. 80 00:04:38,767 --> 00:04:41,185 Help me! 81 00:04:41,186 --> 00:04:43,655 That's "The gravy boat's fallen off." 82 00:04:45,315 --> 00:04:47,316 Is it necessary to get urine off nuns? 83 00:04:47,317 --> 00:04:49,736 It was necessary. It was the 19605. 84 00:04:49,737 --> 00:04:51,785 Oh, it was a condiment, wasn't it, nun wee? 85 00:04:51,786 --> 00:04:52,952 A condiment? 86 00:04:54,533 --> 00:04:57,207 Have you got a slightly bigger bottle of nun wee? 87 00:05:01,707 --> 00:05:03,503 Curiously, these never events do occur. 88 00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:07,346 I was hosting the British Funeral Director's Awards recently. 89 00:05:10,674 --> 00:05:14,093 We've got to get you a new agent, dude. 90 00:05:14,094 --> 00:05:15,721 It was quite quiet initially. 91 00:05:19,641 --> 00:05:20,936 I hope you opened with that. 92 00:05:20,937 --> 00:05:24,564 It took place at the end of the day. They'd had their trade show in the 93 00:05:24,565 --> 00:05:29,567 venue and so around the edges the room there were coffins, caskets, 94 00:05:29,568 --> 00:05:32,784 people looking not unlike this fellow, sort of sitting up in them. 95 00:05:32,785 --> 00:05:34,327 Were you picking a new home? 96 00:05:40,078 --> 00:05:42,126 No, sorry. Because he's old and he'll be dead soon. 97 00:05:42,127 --> 00:05:44,499 I'm sorry if I've... 98 00:05:44,500 --> 00:05:46,089 Can I tell you something, Jimmy? 99 00:05:46,090 --> 00:05:49,714 This is... I don't think you realise how this is getting to me, 100 00:05:49,715 --> 00:05:51,884 because this morning, this very morning, 101 00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:56,099 I received a letter through the post inviting me to be the new face of 102 00:05:56,100 --> 00:05:57,346 the Stannah stairlift. 103 00:05:58,806 --> 00:06:00,228 Take it! 104 00:06:05,270 --> 00:06:07,855 And... The worst thing about this... 105 00:06:07,856 --> 00:06:09,899 Grin and bank it, Giles. 106 00:06:09,900 --> 00:06:12,490 The worst thing about this is, my wife said, 107 00:06:12,491 --> 00:06:14,739 "I think we should consider this." 108 00:06:14,740 --> 00:06:17,708 Then, this is a true story, this is a true story, 109 00:06:17,709 --> 00:06:21,285 I then phoned them up and I said, 110 00:06:21,286 --> 00:06:23,163 have you thought of Nigel Havers? 111 00:06:24,790 --> 00:06:27,464 It turned out they had. I was about 17th on the list. 112 00:06:29,670 --> 00:06:32,344 I'm afraid this is not the first invitation of its kind I've received 113 00:06:32,345 --> 00:06:35,889 because I also... this is maybe how they got hold of my name. 114 00:06:35,890 --> 00:06:41,848 I was considered for being the new figure stretched out on the floor 115 00:06:41,849 --> 00:06:43,442 reaching for the alarm. 116 00:06:45,727 --> 00:06:47,728 "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up." 117 00:06:47,729 --> 00:06:51,359 Yep, that one. But June Whitfield has got that gig at the moment. 118 00:06:58,574 --> 00:07:01,919 Jerry, now, this time that we're talking about, the Battle of Normandy, 119 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:03,578 you were in the UK. 120 00:07:03,579 --> 00:07:06,376 Yes, I'd been born six months earlier, yeah. 121 00:07:06,377 --> 00:07:10,128 And where were you? I was actually born in Highgate, in a Tube station. 122 00:07:10,129 --> 00:07:13,093 During an air raid? Not during an air raid, but you didn't know. 123 00:07:13,094 --> 00:07:16,388 Your mother just missed her train and... Yes. Yes. 124 00:07:16,389 --> 00:07:20,970 Women in the ninth month would often spend nights in the subway, 125 00:07:20,971 --> 00:07:22,597 because those were the bomb shelters. 126 00:07:22,598 --> 00:07:24,269 Have you been back to the station? 127 00:07:24,270 --> 00:07:26,644 Yeah, and there's not even a plaque there. 128 00:07:29,813 --> 00:07:34,233 You need to have been conceived to have a plaque there. 129 00:07:34,234 --> 00:07:38,821 When you were Mayor of Cincinnati... 1977, is that right? 130 00:07:38,822 --> 00:07:40,072 '77, '78, yeah. 131 00:07:40,073 --> 00:07:43,826 Oh, my God. What are you doing in that picture? 132 00:07:43,827 --> 00:07:45,204 Well, you know, when you're Mayor 133 00:07:45,205 --> 00:07:48,669 you get a lot of ceremonial things to do, so it probably was some... 134 00:07:48,670 --> 00:07:50,713 Oh, I know! That's when I got circumcised. 135 00:07:54,755 --> 00:07:57,051 That's when everybody got circumcised. 136 00:07:57,052 --> 00:08:01,473 Is it true about Cincinnati that there is a full abandoned subway system 137 00:08:01,474 --> 00:08:03,766 that was never used that's underneath the city? 138 00:08:03,767 --> 00:08:07,562 Yeah, they ran out of money, actually, and so it was never completed, 139 00:08:07,563 --> 00:08:10,106 but, yes, there is. So, are there stations and...? 140 00:08:10,107 --> 00:08:11,854 Yeah. Why did they not do it...? 141 00:08:11,855 --> 00:08:13,194 It was before my time. 142 00:08:13,195 --> 00:08:16,535 If I were Mayor, we would have finished that subway. 143 00:08:16,536 --> 00:08:18,449 Quite right indeed. 144 00:08:22,449 --> 00:08:24,827 You think women did duelling, or just a boy's thing? 145 00:08:24,828 --> 00:08:27,750 Oh, if you've been to the big market in Newcastle on a Saturday night... 146 00:08:29,539 --> 00:08:31,290 I hope that women did do duelling as well. 147 00:08:31,291 --> 00:08:34,043 Yeah, they did, it was called petticoat duels. 148 00:08:34,044 --> 00:08:35,796 And possibly the most famous... 149 00:08:44,513 --> 00:08:46,186 That's kind of snatch and grab. 150 00:08:49,101 --> 00:08:51,854 I never thought of hiding a pistol there! 151 00:08:51,855 --> 00:08:56,524 So, the most famous one, 1892 in Austria, it was a topless duel... 152 00:08:56,525 --> 00:08:58,317 Oh, that's brilliant. 153 00:08:58,318 --> 00:09:00,286 Channel 5, where are you? 154 00:09:02,823 --> 00:09:05,576 ...between Princess Metternich and Countess Kielmannsegg 155 00:09:05,577 --> 00:09:06,870 and what I love about it, 156 00:09:06,871 --> 00:09:08,244 it's said to have been caused 157 00:09:08,245 --> 00:09:11,706 by a disagreement over a flower arrangement. 158 00:09:11,707 --> 00:09:13,630 Any excuse, that sounds like. 159 00:09:13,631 --> 00:09:19,672 Yeah, well I don't like the flowers, so get your top off. 160 00:09:19,673 --> 00:09:20,673 I "duel" you. 161 00:09:22,718 --> 00:09:25,640 Apparently both women were worried that if they were wounded and 162 00:09:25,641 --> 00:09:28,102 some fabric into the wound, it would get infected. 163 00:09:28,103 --> 00:09:32,272 It's the very first emancipated duel in that every single person who took 164 00:09:32,273 --> 00:09:35,485 part - all the seconds, the two duellers and, indeed, the medic - 165 00:09:35,486 --> 00:09:38,152 were all women. It's hard to say who won. 166 00:09:38,153 --> 00:09:40,403 The Princess, she was injured first on the nose, 167 00:09:40,404 --> 00:09:42,403 so the Countess got first blood, as it were, 168 00:09:42,404 --> 00:09:45,076 but she was then injured on the arm, which is a better wound. 169 00:09:45,077 --> 00:09:47,700 So, there's points for where you cut the person, then? 170 00:09:47,701 --> 00:09:49,368 Yeah, who does better. 171 00:09:49,369 --> 00:09:51,497 As long as you come out with both your nipples, 172 00:09:51,498 --> 00:09:52,998 I'm sure you'll be all right. 173 00:09:54,207 --> 00:09:55,925 Oh! 174 00:10:00,338 --> 00:10:02,181 Milk everywhere. 175 00:10:04,801 --> 00:10:08,971 Boobs aren't full of milk. That's not why we have... 176 00:10:08,972 --> 00:10:12,266 Do you suppose that there's milk all the time? 177 00:10:12,267 --> 00:10:15,521 So, we've got a baby in the house, there's milk everywhere. 178 00:10:17,731 --> 00:10:20,608 Boobs are sometimes full of milk. 179 00:10:20,609 --> 00:10:22,029 Possibly not those four. 180 00:10:22,030 --> 00:10:24,029 Perhaps they weren't at the time of the duel. 181 00:10:29,159 --> 00:10:30,160 Stop it! 182 00:10:31,161 --> 00:10:32,208 Stop it! 183 00:10:34,623 --> 00:10:36,091 You are perforated. 184 00:10:39,503 --> 00:10:41,722 I often wonder how we get to where we do. 185 00:10:43,799 --> 00:10:48,266 Now, I've been practising this and I can do it about one in three. 186 00:10:48,267 --> 00:10:51,390 So, you've all got an opportunity to give this a go. 187 00:10:52,516 --> 00:10:55,770 There we go. That was pretty cool. 188 00:10:59,439 --> 00:11:05,319 OK. So, it is just a length of chain and then you place the ring 189 00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:06,779 up in like this. 190 00:11:06,780 --> 00:11:11,200 If you hold it with your thumb and then hold it with one of your 191 00:11:11,201 --> 00:11:12,827 fingers and what you need to do, 192 00:11:12,828 --> 00:11:15,500 you just let the finger go and not the thumb. 193 00:11:15,501 --> 00:11:16,836 Just try and let the... Oh, yes. 194 00:11:16,837 --> 00:11:18,129 Yeah, Ross has got it. 195 00:11:22,587 --> 00:11:24,839 Just a few more goes. All right, you're determined. 196 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:26,262 Put the chain... OK. 197 00:11:27,300 --> 00:11:31,137 Don't make me get up and show you. 198 00:11:31,138 --> 00:11:33,639 So, make your hand wide like this, 199 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:36,559 OK, and then hook your thumb like this, 200 00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:37,855 but then hook the chain, 201 00:11:37,856 --> 00:11:41,198 just hold that like that and only let your finger go. 202 00:11:50,490 --> 00:11:53,284 I feel like a teaching assistant. 203 00:11:53,285 --> 00:11:55,413 Where can you get one of those this time of day? 204 00:11:55,414 --> 00:11:57,289 Oh, yes. 205 00:12:03,044 --> 00:12:05,843 What's the worst thing you can do on a bed of nails? 206 00:12:07,048 --> 00:12:08,549 Fall from a great height. 207 00:12:08,550 --> 00:12:09,925 I would say so. 208 00:12:09,926 --> 00:12:11,303 I'd say an orgy. 209 00:12:14,139 --> 00:12:17,393 I think that getting nailed on some nails would be a terrible thing. 210 00:12:17,394 --> 00:12:18,562 Well, here's the thing. 211 00:12:18,563 --> 00:12:21,814 So, I think you could have an orgy if you were fantastically careful 212 00:12:21,815 --> 00:12:23,564 about how you got on and off. 213 00:12:23,565 --> 00:12:25,325 Are we talking about the nails or the people? 214 00:12:28,612 --> 00:12:31,536 It's about the even distribution of weight across the nails. 215 00:12:31,537 --> 00:12:35,743 Did you? 216 00:12:35,744 --> 00:12:37,542 What a night that was. 217 00:12:39,748 --> 00:12:41,957 I filmed it. 218 00:12:41,958 --> 00:12:45,053 And he showed me how to lie and it's all right if you're lying down, 219 00:12:45,054 --> 00:12:46,921 but he said be very careful, 220 00:12:46,922 --> 00:12:49,802 because your instinct when you get up is to put your weight on your hands 221 00:12:50,926 --> 00:12:53,969 and then that really hurts a lot. 222 00:12:53,970 --> 00:12:56,644 When I was at school, one afternoon, for some reason, 223 00:12:56,645 --> 00:12:59,141 some circus skills people came round 224 00:12:59,142 --> 00:13:01,769 and tried to teach us all circus skills. 225 00:13:01,770 --> 00:13:06,982 I love the heavy note of disapproval in your voice. 226 00:13:06,983 --> 00:13:09,652 Absolute waste of bloody time! 227 00:13:09,653 --> 00:13:11,362 I was seven. 228 00:13:11,363 --> 00:13:14,333 You can learn circus skills later, what I needed was maths. 229 00:13:16,201 --> 00:13:18,791 They came round and tried to teach us how to juggle, 230 00:13:18,792 --> 00:13:21,415 we couldn't juggle, tried to put clown make up on, 231 00:13:21,416 --> 00:13:24,042 some of us had an allergic reaction, you know... 232 00:13:25,085 --> 00:13:28,714 One of the things was a bed of nails and they taught us how to lie on 233 00:13:28,715 --> 00:13:31,548 a bed of nails and the way you lie on a bed of nails is you just lie 234 00:13:31,549 --> 00:13:32,550 on it and it's fine. 235 00:13:34,427 --> 00:13:37,054 When I was at boarding school, at the beginning of every year, 236 00:13:37,055 --> 00:13:38,307 you had to put your skirt on 237 00:13:38,308 --> 00:13:40,274 and then you had to kneel in front of matron 238 00:13:40,275 --> 00:13:44,770 and the top of your hem had to touch the floor and if it didn't, 239 00:13:44,771 --> 00:13:46,990 you had to go and get a new skirt. Or a bigger pen. 240 00:13:48,817 --> 00:13:50,859 Bigger pen? 241 00:13:50,860 --> 00:13:53,031 And then you can have a shorter skirt. 242 00:13:53,032 --> 00:13:54,700 Bigger pen, you see, so it reached... 243 00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:56,243 I'm pretty sure it was "hem", Lee. 244 00:13:56,244 --> 00:13:58,117 It was hem. Oh, I thought you said "pen". 245 00:13:58,118 --> 00:14:01,463 No, hem. I wondered why everyone was looking at me, going, what's he 246 00:14:01,464 --> 00:14:05,082 I love that Lee has such confidence that he can say 247 00:14:05,083 --> 00:14:06,922 there's no way that joke didn't work. 248 00:14:06,923 --> 00:14:10,343 Yeah. There must be a technical error on that, because this is gold, 249 00:14:10,344 --> 00:14:11,385 this stuff. 250 00:14:13,717 --> 00:14:14,717 Oh, a hem! 251 00:14:16,886 --> 00:14:22,766 I was once in a gymnasium and I was on the leg extension... 252 00:14:22,767 --> 00:14:24,143 Honestly, no. 253 00:14:24,144 --> 00:14:28,188 Right, there's a thing, right, and you put your feet on it like that. 254 00:14:28,189 --> 00:14:29,189 Please don't fart now. 255 00:14:31,484 --> 00:14:33,736 Clear the studio. 256 00:14:33,737 --> 00:14:37,364 You put your feet on it and you push with your legs 257 00:14:37,365 --> 00:14:40,117 and as I started to push 258 00:14:40,118 --> 00:14:43,620 I let out the longest... 259 00:14:43,621 --> 00:14:47,342 it was so long that as I went like that it changed key. 260 00:14:49,169 --> 00:14:50,170 I went... 261 00:14:51,379 --> 00:14:53,973 And the guy... You know what that's called? 262 00:14:53,974 --> 00:14:55,683 That's called a trombone. 263 00:14:56,926 --> 00:15:00,095 Well, it got me thrown out of the Salvation Army. 264 00:15:00,096 --> 00:15:01,096 And I went... 265 00:15:02,974 --> 00:15:05,601 It was... Because the note changed, 266 00:15:05,602 --> 00:15:08,902 I laughed so much and I turned to the bloke in the gym and went, 267 00:15:08,903 --> 00:15:13,073 "I bet that happens all the time," and he went, "No". 268 00:15:16,112 --> 00:15:18,080 Name the cause of the first mass extinction. 269 00:15:19,324 --> 00:15:20,995 Oh, now this is a trick one, 270 00:15:20,996 --> 00:15:23,832 because you're trying to get us to do the dinosaur one, 271 00:15:23,833 --> 00:15:25,749 but there was one before that, wasn't there? 272 00:15:25,750 --> 00:15:28,170 After 14 years, he understands the format. 273 00:15:38,301 --> 00:15:41,976 And the thing I still can't do is think in my head. 274 00:15:44,391 --> 00:15:45,392 Run, Forrest! 275 00:15:46,851 --> 00:15:48,273 Where do you think, then? 276 00:15:49,437 --> 00:15:51,730 Out of my mouth. In your mouth. 277 00:15:51,731 --> 00:15:53,774 Is it ice, ice? 278 00:15:53,775 --> 00:15:55,994 It is not ice... Baby. No. 279 00:15:58,446 --> 00:16:00,948 Very good. They had a problem, but they didn't solve it. 280 00:16:00,949 --> 00:16:02,792 There was a massive extinction. 281 00:16:03,910 --> 00:16:08,747 It's sea anemone greed and really the invention of the mouth. 282 00:16:08,748 --> 00:16:10,838 So, what happens is, these are... 283 00:16:10,839 --> 00:16:13,383 This is when the problems come, when we invent the mouth. 284 00:16:13,384 --> 00:16:18,090 Yes. These are Ediacarans and they are the first complex life forms 285 00:16:18,091 --> 00:16:20,681 on earth and they hung around on the sea floor 286 00:16:20,682 --> 00:16:22,391 for about 37 million years. 287 00:16:22,392 --> 00:16:24,602 They didn't have a mouth, they didn't have an anus, 288 00:16:24,603 --> 00:16:26,640 they just lived through osmosis. 289 00:16:26,641 --> 00:16:27,641 They got along fine. 290 00:16:27,642 --> 00:16:31,522 They're just fine. And then, what happens is the Cambrian explosion, 291 00:16:31,523 --> 00:16:36,275 so that's, give or take a Tuesday, about 542 million years ago, 292 00:16:36,276 --> 00:16:38,240 we suddenly get life forms rocketing, 293 00:16:38,241 --> 00:16:39,862 because there's more oxygen around 294 00:16:39,863 --> 00:16:41,456 and you get sea anenome-like creatures, 295 00:16:41,457 --> 00:16:44,414 they have a mouth and do you know what they did? They ate them. 296 00:16:44,415 --> 00:16:46,580 Absolutely right. They ate the lot of them. 297 00:16:46,581 --> 00:16:48,330 And the terrible, tragic thing was 298 00:16:48,331 --> 00:16:50,625 that they couldn't tell each other what was happening. 299 00:16:50,626 --> 00:16:52,375 Oh, don't, that's so sad. Yep. No mouth. 300 00:16:54,502 --> 00:16:57,921 Or warn each other. 301 00:16:57,922 --> 00:17:00,766 I've had boyfriends like that and I understand how they feel. 302 00:17:05,513 --> 00:17:08,312 Nothing you can do, just let them get on with it. 303 00:17:08,313 --> 00:17:13,770 It's been a learning experience being with you. 304 00:17:13,771 --> 00:17:16,737 I went to an exhibition at the Tate and it was on pop art and there was 305 00:17:16,738 --> 00:17:18,779 a room that was set aside from everyone else 306 00:17:18,780 --> 00:17:20,697 because it was very explicit, 307 00:17:20,698 --> 00:17:24,370 by this artist called Jeff Coons who does basically high art, 308 00:17:24,371 --> 00:17:25,699 but pornography- 309 00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:29,248 And this middle-class woman and her two kids came up and the guy on 310 00:17:29,249 --> 00:17:32,414 the door stopped them and said, this is for over-18s only, you can't come in. 311 00:17:32,415 --> 00:17:35,339 And she said, I'll go in, have a look, come back out and tell you what I saw. 312 00:17:35,340 --> 00:17:38,382 So, she went into the room and she came back out a split second later, 313 00:17:38,383 --> 00:17:41,632 completely ashen-faced and I heard her lean down to these two kids and 314 00:17:41,633 --> 00:17:44,805 she said, what happens between a man and woman is a beautiful thing, 315 00:17:44,806 --> 00:17:47,476 what I saw in that room is of no help to anyone. 316 00:17:52,185 --> 00:17:55,854 Like what he said after the circus skills one. 317 00:17:55,855 --> 00:17:58,777 I'm trying to get my head around long division, 318 00:17:58,778 --> 00:18:00,118 I don't need this bullshit. 319 00:18:04,197 --> 00:18:06,412 Is it a large piece of land, a forest? 320 00:18:06,413 --> 00:18:08,158 It is, it's a massive piece of land. 321 00:18:08,159 --> 00:18:11,457 Here is the thing that Norway has that Finland doesn't really have. 322 00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:14,957 Norway has hundreds of very big mountains and Finland doesn't. 323 00:18:14,958 --> 00:18:18,212 And this is the nicest gift, they're going to give them a mountain. 324 00:18:18,213 --> 00:18:22,637 Oh, wow. This is the Halti range, it's on the border of the two countries. 325 00:18:22,638 --> 00:18:25,973 They're going to give them the Halditsohkka peak. 326 00:18:25,974 --> 00:18:30,145 It's only 4,366 feet high, but it doesn't even come into Norway's 327 00:18:30,146 --> 00:18:32,307 top 200 highest peaks. 328 00:18:32,308 --> 00:18:35,602 It will be Finland's highest mountain. 329 00:18:35,603 --> 00:18:38,901 But they'll have to come and visit it, they can't put it... 330 00:18:38,902 --> 00:18:41,651 It's on the border, so the border will just go... 331 00:18:52,912 --> 00:18:54,126 I like you, I like you so much 332 00:18:54,127 --> 00:18:56,170 because I found myself explaining that. 333 00:18:59,586 --> 00:19:03,463 What does the world's fussiest eater eat? 334 00:19:03,464 --> 00:19:06,091 Is the world's fussiest eater not a human being? 335 00:19:06,092 --> 00:19:10,017 Correct. Is it something that is so fussy that it just doesn't eat 336 00:19:10,018 --> 00:19:12,639 and then dies? No, it's very specific. 337 00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:15,142 It only likes one thing on the menu. 338 00:19:15,143 --> 00:19:17,519 It's so deeply unpleasant. 339 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:21,568 There are a few parasites who have cornered the market so decisively. 340 00:19:21,569 --> 00:19:22,779 It's a little leech. 341 00:19:22,780 --> 00:19:25,779 It rarely sees the light of day because it lives 342 00:19:25,780 --> 00:19:28,247 up a hippopotamus's bottom. 343 00:19:31,618 --> 00:19:35,537 It's called Placobdelloides jaegerskioeldi. 344 00:19:35,538 --> 00:19:38,085 Here's the thing, hippos have incredibly tough skin, 345 00:19:38,086 --> 00:19:41,460 so if the leech is looking for a blood meal off the hippo, 346 00:19:41,461 --> 00:19:44,089 it really has to go to the rectal region because that's where 347 00:19:44,090 --> 00:19:46,056 the blood vessels are. The skin is vascular. 348 00:19:46,057 --> 00:19:49,217 Seriously, best place to hang out. 349 00:19:49,218 --> 00:19:52,766 Here's the thing, has anybody ever seen a hippo being excused? 350 00:19:52,767 --> 00:19:55,932 No. I've not seen that. Well, it's the most extraordinary thing 351 00:19:55,933 --> 00:19:58,560 because they are noted for the violence of their bowel movements, OK. 352 00:19:58,561 --> 00:20:01,483 So they fire out an absolute explosion of slurry. 353 00:20:01,484 --> 00:20:02,983 I know how they feel, guys. 354 00:20:05,610 --> 00:20:08,489 Why are their bowel movements so violent? I'm interested! 355 00:20:08,490 --> 00:20:09,865 OK, so it is extraordinary. 356 00:20:09,866 --> 00:20:13,334 What's amazing is that the leech is able to hold on. 357 00:20:13,335 --> 00:20:15,369 It has a fantastic grip! 358 00:20:15,370 --> 00:20:17,293 It's got a pair of suckers, front and rear, 359 00:20:17,294 --> 00:20:20,207 which provide incredible anchorage, 360 00:20:20,208 --> 00:20:22,882 so while this poo is spraying everywhere. Well... 361 00:20:22,883 --> 00:20:24,002 Yes, Ross? 362 00:20:24,003 --> 00:20:25,128 Is it something helpful? 363 00:20:25,129 --> 00:20:26,506 Yeah, it is! 364 00:20:27,965 --> 00:20:30,593 I have a slight confession. Yes? Right. 365 00:20:31,469 --> 00:20:35,097 I recently was bored in a hotel room... 366 00:20:35,098 --> 00:20:36,896 Yeah. 367 00:20:39,519 --> 00:20:45,315 If you go online, and type in "hippos pooing", right? 368 00:20:45,316 --> 00:20:48,570 Sorry, I'm just going to stop you there, why would you do that? 369 00:20:48,571 --> 00:20:50,320 Start with moss. 370 00:20:50,321 --> 00:20:52,114 Plot your way out. 371 00:20:52,115 --> 00:20:54,408 Bears... in the woods. 372 00:20:54,409 --> 00:20:57,619 And there... 373 00:20:57,620 --> 00:21:03,417 ...there are huge amounts of videos of people filming hippos at zoos, 374 00:21:03,418 --> 00:21:05,967 who, their tail goes up, and they go... 375 00:21:06,963 --> 00:21:08,255 It's unbelievable. 376 00:21:08,256 --> 00:21:10,304 I don't know how it, it just sort of... 377 00:21:17,515 --> 00:21:19,267 Have you got a leech?! 378 00:21:23,020 --> 00:21:27,774 So, the world's fussiest eater won't eat anything but hippo's arse. 379 00:21:27,775 --> 00:21:30,866 In fact, they've taken the little leeches into the lab and offered 380 00:21:30,867 --> 00:21:33,409 them other things to eat, and they refuse. 381 00:21:33,410 --> 00:21:35,202 So it's not interested in the dung at all? 382 00:21:35,203 --> 00:21:37,826 No, it doesn't want the dung. It just hears it coming! 383 00:21:37,827 --> 00:21:39,044 Yeah, wa-a-ah! 384 00:21:50,423 --> 00:21:53,302 Make of this nonsensical question what you will. 385 00:21:53,303 --> 00:21:56,303 Who blows their nose for something to eat? 386 00:21:56,304 --> 00:21:58,764 My children. 387 00:21:58,765 --> 00:22:01,437 I suppose there might be some good bacteria in your mucus. 388 00:22:01,438 --> 00:22:04,062 That's what I was told about children doing... 389 00:22:04,063 --> 00:22:07,736 That does actually help their immune system, to consume their bogies. 390 00:22:07,737 --> 00:22:13,195 Yeah. Was that one of your children that told you that? 391 00:22:13,196 --> 00:22:15,699 Because I think that... "It's very good for me, actually!" 392 00:22:15,700 --> 00:22:18,121 There's a conflict of interest there. 393 00:22:18,122 --> 00:22:19,659 Is it an anteater? 394 00:22:19,660 --> 00:22:23,163 Is it an anteater? Well, they suck up ants through their noses, 395 00:22:23,164 --> 00:22:24,164 don't they? Yes. 396 00:22:24,165 --> 00:22:27,339 But we're actually looking for something that blows its nose. 397 00:22:27,340 --> 00:22:28,585 Blows its nose... 398 00:22:28,586 --> 00:22:31,296 Yes? 399 00:22:31,297 --> 00:22:34,301 Bird-mammal... Are you trying to psych me out so I tell you? 400 00:22:34,302 --> 00:22:37,395 Trying. OK, it's a worm, you did it! 401 00:22:38,888 --> 00:22:41,435 Worms haven't got noses, they've got spiracles. 402 00:22:41,436 --> 00:22:44,479 Oh, well, here is the extraordinary thing. Have a look at this. 403 00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:47,026 Prepare yourselves for this bit of footage. 404 00:22:47,027 --> 00:22:48,113 This is a... 405 00:22:59,492 --> 00:23:01,165 Make it stop! 406 00:23:03,329 --> 00:23:05,582 It's called a nemertean, or a ribbon worm. 407 00:23:05,583 --> 00:23:07,709 And it literally blows its nose, 408 00:23:07,710 --> 00:23:12,712 so explosively ejects its proboscis from its body, in search of food. 409 00:23:12,713 --> 00:23:14,714 They are also known as proboscis worms. 410 00:23:14,715 --> 00:23:15,760 Is that snot, then? 411 00:23:15,761 --> 00:23:16,928 No, it's its nose. 412 00:23:16,929 --> 00:23:18,471 And when they detect food, or prey, 413 00:23:18,472 --> 00:23:22,436 the muscle contractions of the body wall forces the proboscis, 414 00:23:22,437 --> 00:23:24,102 literally its nose, out of the body, 415 00:23:24,103 --> 00:23:26,315 and it turns it inside out like a rubber glove. Right. 416 00:23:26,316 --> 00:23:29,401 OK? And the one that's shown here is a gorgon worm, 417 00:23:29,402 --> 00:23:33,070 and it's got these branching spaghetti-like tentacles on its proboscis, 418 00:23:33,071 --> 00:23:36,162 which then envelops the prey with a sticky toxin, 419 00:23:36,163 --> 00:23:38,780 and draws it back into the body. 420 00:23:38,781 --> 00:23:42,160 Are you telling me that it ate that bloke? 421 00:23:44,996 --> 00:23:48,500 Let's have another look, let's have one more... No, let's not! 422 00:23:52,503 --> 00:23:54,379 It's amazing, isn't it? 423 00:23:54,380 --> 00:23:55,380 No! 424 00:23:58,801 --> 00:24:02,724 Was it not more prevalent post the wipe-out of the dinosaurs? 425 00:24:02,725 --> 00:24:05,688 Isn't there a theory that they died because of a change in temperature? 426 00:24:05,689 --> 00:24:08,355 Well, the thing is, dinosaurs were neither warm-nor cold-blooded, 427 00:24:08,356 --> 00:24:09,816 but they were somewhere in between. 428 00:24:09,817 --> 00:24:12,439 They were just right, weren't they? Yeah, they were just right! 429 00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:14,693 They liked to sit on the fence. Lovely Goldilocks blood. 430 00:24:14,694 --> 00:24:18,115 Because, there are disadvantages to being warm-blooded, OK? 431 00:24:18,116 --> 00:24:20,739 One of the things is, you have to keep eating to get fuel 432 00:24:20,740 --> 00:24:22,993 to maintain the constant body temperature. 433 00:24:22,994 --> 00:24:25,619 So if, for example, a lion was as big as a Tyrannosaurus rex, 434 00:24:25,620 --> 00:24:28,749 it probably wouldn't be able to eat enough to survive. 435 00:24:28,750 --> 00:24:30,544 Isn't there a theory on the dinosaurs, 436 00:24:30,545 --> 00:24:34,171 where they died out because over a certain temperature all the eggs 437 00:24:34,172 --> 00:24:37,424 hatched as male, and below a certain temperature they all hatched 438 00:24:37,425 --> 00:24:39,551 as female? And then the temperature went down, 439 00:24:39,552 --> 00:24:42,928 and they all hatched as female, and then there were no more, no-one to mate with. 440 00:24:42,929 --> 00:24:45,519 Well, there are as many theories about how the dinosaurs... 441 00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:49,564 But that's the correct one. The one that I can vaguely remember, 442 00:24:49,565 --> 00:24:51,811 I'm 90% sure is 100% correct. 443 00:24:51,812 --> 00:24:54,486 There's someone who's never watched King Kong. 444 00:24:57,068 --> 00:24:58,568 Massive gorilla, mate. 445 00:24:58,569 --> 00:24:59,946 Twatted all of them. 446 00:25:02,865 --> 00:25:07,661 Well, that's spoilt the end of that film. 447 00:25:07,662 --> 00:25:09,335 Time for another parlour game. 448 00:25:09,336 --> 00:25:11,539 "Are you there, Moriarty?" 449 00:25:11,540 --> 00:25:13,375 Who knows how to play this? 450 00:25:13,376 --> 00:25:15,003 You're blindfolded, I'm guessing? 451 00:25:15,004 --> 00:25:18,552 Yes, you are. You're blindfolded, and you're as tall as a newspaper. 452 00:25:19,924 --> 00:25:24,260 This is a British one, which I frankly don't understand, OK. 453 00:25:24,261 --> 00:25:28,807 So, you are blindfolded, you hold each other's left hands, 454 00:25:28,808 --> 00:25:30,936 one of you shouts out, "Are you there Moriarty?" 455 00:25:30,937 --> 00:25:32,837 The other one shouts, "Yes". And the one who said, 456 00:25:32,838 --> 00:25:37,433 "Are you there, Moriarty", then tries to hit them with the newspaper. 457 00:25:37,434 --> 00:25:39,317 - I'll be the shouter. - OK. 458 00:25:39,318 --> 00:25:41,820 - You take turns, you take turns. - Oh, all right, OK. 459 00:25:41,821 --> 00:25:44,449 I mean, obviously, I'm going to have to hit the target, but I'm not sure 460 00:25:44,450 --> 00:25:47,664 how comfortable I am hitting a woman on national television. 461 00:25:47,665 --> 00:25:49,583 It's Susan, you'll be all right. 462 00:25:52,164 --> 00:25:53,790 Right, left hands held. 463 00:25:53,791 --> 00:25:55,338 Give me your hand. Left hand, yeah. 464 00:25:56,460 --> 00:25:58,628 OK, so, Matt'? 465 00:25:58,629 --> 00:26:01,508 You're going to say, "Are you there, Moriarty?" 466 00:26:01,509 --> 00:26:03,178 And Susan, you're going to say, "Yes". 467 00:26:03,179 --> 00:26:06,270 And then, Matt, you're going to try and hit her. OK. OK, go. 468 00:26:06,271 --> 00:26:08,138 Are you there, Moriarty? 469 00:26:08,139 --> 00:26:09,265 Yes. 470 00:26:12,268 --> 00:26:14,066 Do I try again? You try again, now, Susan. 471 00:26:14,067 --> 00:26:16,730 Sorry, I thought you meant... 472 00:26:16,731 --> 00:26:19,816 Right. Go on, Susan. Are you there, Moriarty? 473 00:26:19,817 --> 00:26:21,034 No, I'm not, no. 474 00:26:24,071 --> 00:26:26,114 Ow! Ow! 475 00:26:26,115 --> 00:26:30,165 - Do you know what? - Yeah? - I love the idea that someone has turned on this for the first time, 476 00:26:30,166 --> 00:26:35,634 and gone, "It's really changed without Stephen, hasn't it?" 477 00:26:38,002 --> 00:26:41,097 "Uncle Stephen would never have allowed this!" 478 00:26:42,923 --> 00:26:44,345 I know you're there! 479 00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:46,886 Ow! Ow! 480 00:26:48,012 --> 00:26:49,639 This is good, this is good. 481 00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:51,264 I found her, so I don't need to... 482 00:26:51,265 --> 00:26:55,107 Right, you two, come on, let's have a go. So, put your blindfold on... 483 00:26:55,108 --> 00:26:58,068 I've got quite a big head, so I'm not sure it's going to fit round. 484 00:26:58,069 --> 00:27:01,232 Oh, there we go. There we go. Right. Do we stand up? No... 485 00:27:01,233 --> 00:27:02,233 Ow! 486 00:27:03,486 --> 00:27:04,703 I think Alan's won. 487 00:27:05,863 --> 00:27:07,906 So, now, hold left hands. 488 00:27:07,907 --> 00:27:09,580 I'm not going near him, he's an animal! 489 00:27:09,581 --> 00:27:11,701 Hold left hands. 490 00:27:11,702 --> 00:27:14,454 OK, so, Josh shouts, "Are you there, Moriarty?" 491 00:27:14,455 --> 00:27:15,798 Are you there, Moriarty? 492 00:27:15,799 --> 00:27:18,384 Ow. Ow! 493 00:27:20,086 --> 00:27:22,088 Alan, so, you have to say... How am I doing? 494 00:27:23,756 --> 00:27:25,757 He missed! Let me just do it again. 495 00:27:25,758 --> 00:27:28,261 Josh is going to shout, "Are you there, Moriarty?" 496 00:27:28,262 --> 00:27:31,264 Alan's going to shout, "Yes", to indicate his location, 497 00:27:31,265 --> 00:27:33,515 and then he's going to try and escape Josh hitting him. 498 00:27:33,516 --> 00:27:35,517 OK? Right, Josh. 499 00:27:35,518 --> 00:27:37,560 Are you there, Moriarty? Yes. 500 00:27:37,561 --> 00:27:39,609 Now, try and escape. 501 00:27:40,856 --> 00:27:42,065 Just one hit! 502 00:27:42,066 --> 00:27:43,067 Ow! 503 00:27:45,528 --> 00:27:47,951 I don't... Ow! 504 00:27:54,620 --> 00:27:56,213 Ow! 505 00:27:58,916 --> 00:27:59,917 No! 506 00:28:13,264 --> 00:28:16,182 Josh, you were rubbish at that game, you were rubbish! 507 00:28:16,183 --> 00:28:19,463 I don't want to turn this into a Carry On film, but mine wasn't as rigid as Alan's. 508 00:28:21,897 --> 00:28:23,695 I'm not sure that was the problem. 509 00:28:24,900 --> 00:28:27,244 I think the overall winner of that is Alan.