1 00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:36,360 Hello and welcome to QI, tonight... 2 00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:37,960 SHE IMITATES BUBBLES 3 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:39,640 ..we are setting sail. 4 00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,080 LAUGHTER 5 00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:42,840 I do all me own effects. 6 00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:48,240 Tonight, we are setting sail for the open oceans, so without further ado, 7 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:49,920 let's meet our crew. 8 00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:52,800 Floundering about, it's David Mitchell! 9 00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,920 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:02,000 Just for the "halibut", Aisling Bea! 11 00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:03,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 12 00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:09,280 All over the "plaice", Joe Lycett! 13 00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:10,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 14 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:16,920 And never mind the "pollocks", 15 00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:18,240 it's Alan Davies! 16 00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:20,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 17 00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:25,880 Right, let's hear their call signs. 18 00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:27,120 David goes... 19 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:31,920 MUSIC: How Deep Is The Ocean? by Irving Berlin 20 00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:33,360 Aisling goes... 21 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:36,400 MUSIC: My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean 22 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:37,800 Tune! 23 00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:41,080 Joe goes... 24 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:43,920 SKA VERSION: I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside 25 00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:48,800 ..and Alan goes... 26 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:51,720 KIDS SING: Row, Row, Row Your Boat 27 00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:56,520 We were all so happy! 28 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,080 Agh! 29 00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:07,040 Right, we start off with how many oceans are there on Earth? 30 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:08,760 - Oh... No... - Six! 31 00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:09,920 I can count them. 32 00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:12,280 KLAXON BLARES 33 00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:15,640 First time on the show. 34 00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:18,200 Straight into that trap. Any more? 35 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:19,880 - Five. - Five! 36 00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:22,040 KLAXON BLARES 37 00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:23,440 One! 38 00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:25,080 One is the correct answer. 39 00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:28,520 - Well, they're all joined, aren't they? - That is the reason! Indeed. 40 00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:30,760 According to America's National Oceanic 41 00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:33,880 and Atmospheric Administration, there's only one ocean. 42 00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:37,120 It's the World Ocean and it covers 71% of the world's surface. 43 00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:39,080 So, to make it a bit more convenient, 44 00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:42,880 they divide it into four smaller oceans - the Pacific, the Atlantic, 45 00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:45,080 the Indian and the Arctic. 46 00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:48,480 And the US Board on Geographic Names recognises the Southern, 47 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:50,720 that's the Antarctic Ocean, as a fifth, 48 00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:54,080 but the International Hydrographic Organisation 49 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:55,640 has not yet approved it, 50 00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:58,160 and I imagine there's going to be a fight. 51 00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:00,320 LAUGHTER 52 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:01,920 They are a fantastic organisation, 53 00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:04,600 and one of the things that they do is tables of tonnage, 54 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:08,200 and this affected me because I had this very strange trip once 55 00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:11,000 where I canoed across Africa, I canoed the whole of the Zambezi... 56 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:14,480 - You can't canoe across Africa! - You can. - That's a lie. - No, the... 57 00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:19,160 There's sand and desert, you can't canoe across Africa. 58 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:21,920 So, I went on this mythical river... 59 00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:25,040 LAUGHTER ..1,700 miles across Africa, 60 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,960 and when you get to the Indian Ocean, the harbour master said, 61 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,320 "How many tonnes? 62 00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:32,280 - "Because I need to write it down in the table of tonnage." - So rude! 63 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:34,520 It's true! It was... 64 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:36,080 LAUGHTER 65 00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:39,520 Well, it was just me and a canoe, and the minimum tonnage was 66 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:44,120 half a tonne, so I went into the Indian Ocean weighing half a tonne. 67 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:47,560 - Half a tonne of Toksvig, next! - Next! 68 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:50,120 So I'll be on some register somewhere in Mozambique. 69 00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:53,840 - Tell me about this canoe. - OK, so, it is a really wonderful story. 70 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:56,240 My father came home one day, we were living in New York, 71 00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:58,800 and we had a very small swimming pool, and he came home, 72 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:03,000 he possibly had had a drink, and he said, "I've bought the canoe 73 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:06,400 "that Livingston charted the Zambezi with." And he very proudly... 74 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,280 It's a wooden canoe and it comes in two halves, 75 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:10,400 which you can lock together, and he put this canoe, 76 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:12,840 and we have a wonderful picture of my dad in our swimming pool 77 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:14,800 drinking whisky in this canoe, and years later, 78 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:16,960 the BBC said to me, "Would you like to make a journey?" 79 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:19,120 And I said, "Well, as it happens, my dad had the canoe, 80 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:21,040 "and I've got it now, that charted the Zambezi, 81 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:23,320 "and I would like to actually take it down the Zambezi." 82 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:26,880 - Sounds like a 100-year-old... - No, turns out it was built in 1954. 83 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:29,160 LAUGHTER 84 00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:31,280 My dad was sold a complete pup. 85 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:36,880 It has now been down the Zambezi! 86 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:41,200 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 87 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:45,640 Largest ocean in the solar system, anybody? 88 00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:47,600 In the solar system? 89 00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:50,520 - What do we reckon? - It's not going to be an ocean with water in it. 90 00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:53,320 Well, that is the thing that we do not know. 91 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:54,720 It's one of the moons. 92 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:56,360 Is it the one...? 93 00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:57,400 Eucalyptus? 94 00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:59,040 LAUGHTER 95 00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,280 - What's it called? - Titan. It's bound to be Titan. 96 00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:03,520 - That's the only moon. - Euripides? - Europa. - Europa. 97 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:06,800 I'm going to give you an extra point for that, because, yeah, very good. 98 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:08,080 Absolutely. 99 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:10,960 APPLAUSE 100 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:12,960 It's Jupiter's moon, Europa. 101 00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:15,400 The Hubble Telescope has detected a water plume 102 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:17,960 which is 20 times higher than Mount Everest. 103 00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:21,840 So, possibly there is three times as much water on Europa 104 00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:23,760 as there is in the World Ocean. 105 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:25,720 - If it's water. - If... It's hard to say. 106 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:29,520 - We don't know what... It could be custard. - Yes! - Famously. 107 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:30,880 Jupiter custard. 108 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:34,600 If it's custard, where were the eggs sourced? 109 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,520 LAUGHTER 110 00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:39,080 Are you worrying about the organic nature of Jupiter? 111 00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:41,440 No, I wouldn't mind if it's sort of powdered custard, 112 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:43,040 but either way, you've got to think, 113 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:45,080 where's the vanilla come from? The eggs? 114 00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:47,680 You've got to think about it scientifically. 115 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:50,680 That's one of the things that means it probably isn't custard. 116 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:53,760 - Yes. - That's why they've jumped to water. 117 00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:55,960 I'm examining it properly. 118 00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:59,760 Please don't let this be caught by you, this system that David employs. 119 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:04,000 I like powdered custard. 120 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:06,480 - AISLING: - Well, you heard it here first. 121 00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:09,160 How has this happened to me? 122 00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:14,600 So, the etymology of ocean? Anybody know where it comes from? 123 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:17,920 - Billy, it's named after Billy. - Billy! 124 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:22,240 It's great Oceanus, the great river or sea surrounding... 125 00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:24,600 well, the only known land masses at the time, 126 00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:28,520 Eurasia and Africa, and the river was personified by Oceanus, 127 00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:31,160 son of Uranus for the Earth and Gaia from the sky. 128 00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:33,320 A big, muscular fella, wasn't he? 129 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:36,240 - AISLING: - He looks like he owns a Shoreditch coffee bar. 130 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:37,880 LAUGHTER 131 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:45,200 "Oh, my God, we've got every sort of coffee you could imagine. 132 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:47,720 "We've got the stuff made by weasels, we've got..." 133 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,000 And he was married to his sister! 134 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:53,520 Listen, don't knock it till you've tried it! 135 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:58,160 How many kids do you think they had? He and his sister Tethys. 136 00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:00,000 Three kids, six heads. 137 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,080 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 138 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:10,160 6,000. 139 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:12,560 6,000. 3,000 boy river gods and... 140 00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:14,760 Were they all like tadpoles? 141 00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:16,640 Yeah, 3,000 girl sea nymphs. 142 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:19,360 There's no picture of her, cos she just couldn't sit still. 143 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:24,920 There's just one ocean on Earth 144 00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:27,720 and that's why it's called the ocean. 145 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:29,280 I call it the sea. 146 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:34,240 I think "the ocean" is a bit of an Americanism. 147 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:36,560 I think we should have waited till Series S. 148 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:46,160 Right, moving on, what's the scariest thing about this? 149 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:50,440 MUSIC: Theme from Jaws 150 00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:54,560 Isn't that incredible? 151 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:57,000 What is the most scary thing about it? 152 00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:02,040 That the cameraman never lived to see his movie be shown on QI? 153 00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:04,160 What do you think is the most scary thing about it? 154 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:05,440 - DAVID AND ALAN: - The teeth. 155 00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:07,720 KLAXON BLARES 156 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:12,000 The fact that they can't go backwards. 157 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:13,200 SILENCE 158 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:14,760 LAUGHTER 159 00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:19,240 I'm sorry, that takes them a bit long to type! 160 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:23,080 KLAXON BLARES 161 00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:24,560 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 162 00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:36,320 - What's scary is subjective, really, isn't it? - What is the scariest? 163 00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:39,720 Well, our perception of sharks is apparently shaped 164 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:42,160 by footage in nature documentaries, 165 00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:45,240 which tends to be accompanied by ominous music. 166 00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:48,400 So the thing that really scares you in it is ominous music. 167 00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:50,800 So, they did a study at the University of California, 168 00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:53,160 and they showed three clips of sharks to participants. 169 00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:55,760 So, the one that we've just seen, with the ominous music, 170 00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:57,000 here's one with silence. 171 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:00,960 "Hello, my friend!" 172 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:02,600 LAUGHTER 173 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,600 Oh... 174 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:09,440 HE IMITATES RUFFLING A DOG 175 00:09:11,680 --> 00:09:16,960 Ahhhhhhhhh... 176 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,200 - # Ahhhhh-h-h-h-h! # - Have a look at this. 177 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:23,880 HE VOCALISES 178 00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:27,240 Do you know what? There's a whole show for you, Alan, 179 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:30,360 in just doing fish impersonations. 180 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:34,600 We had the trout faking her orgasm last series. 181 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:36,000 They've done that. 182 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,000 LAUGHTER 183 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:45,520 Different orgasm, same trout. 184 00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:46,880 LAUGHTER 185 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:50,760 Can you do shark that has an orgasm? 186 00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:52,280 HE LAUGHS 187 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:58,160 Ahh... Ah, oh! 188 00:09:58,160 --> 00:09:59,720 LAUGHTER 189 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:03,560 Mildly surprised! 190 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:07,320 Because they don't know they're going to have an orgasm, 191 00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:09,200 they haven't learned about orgasms 192 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:11,360 or experimented with themselves, I imagine. 193 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,560 Then, when they have an orgasm the first time, 194 00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:14,840 it must be very alarming. 195 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:16,920 My worry is watching you do them 196 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:19,480 that you haven't seen someone have one before. 197 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:22,640 LAUGHTER 198 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:24,960 Ohhh-oh! 199 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:27,400 Ohhh-oh! Oh-oh! 200 00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:31,960 When they do it for the second or the third time, 201 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:34,400 then they're much more, ahhhhh... 202 00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:37,400 Ah... 203 00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:39,560 Aaaah... 204 00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:43,640 Is everything OK at home, Alan? 205 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:46,880 LAUGHTER 206 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,280 Anyway! 207 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:51,720 Let's have a look at the same clip with uplifting music. 208 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:55,480 MUSIC: Morning from Peer Gynt by Edvard Grieg 209 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:04,760 But here's the thing, they aren't actually that dangerous. 210 00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:07,240 And the thought is that the ominous nature of documentaries 211 00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:10,080 leads the public to have a distrust of sharks and that, in turn, 212 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,960 harms their conservation funding. 213 00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:15,840 The truth is sharks kill, worldwide, about six people a year, 214 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:19,320 and the same number are killed by livestock in Britain alone. 215 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:23,200 So, a cow - more likely to do you in than a shark. 216 00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:25,360 Ants - they kill 30 people a year. 217 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:27,560 - Jellyfish... - What, how? 218 00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:29,800 Luring them across the road. 219 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:31,560 LAUGHTER 220 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:40,360 Which do you think is the most dangerous out of all those animals, 221 00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:41,480 in terms of human deaths? 222 00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,800 Well, I know hippos are real psychos. 223 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:46,240 Yeah, it is the hippo. Absolutely, they kill... 224 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:47,720 Psychos! 225 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:49,720 "That hippo's a psycho, man!" 226 00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:52,240 2,900 people a year are killed by hippos. 227 00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:55,600 - Really? - Compare that to six people killed by sharks. 228 00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:58,080 You are 1,000 times more likely to drown in the sea 229 00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:01,200 than you are to be bitten by a shark, even in an area with sharks. 230 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:03,640 I saw sharks up close once - they feed them, 231 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:07,200 the man puts chainmail on his arm and you all sit in a circle, 232 00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:09,600 and they appear, the group, like, out of the fog, 233 00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:11,960 you don't see them, they are incredibly fast, 234 00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:14,680 and then he's giving them fish in his chainmail hand. 235 00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:18,200 - Why are you handing the food up? - Because you're sitting on the floor 236 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:20,040 and they are all above you, all around you. 237 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:21,920 - Are we talking about sharks? - Yes. 238 00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:23,880 I just don't understand why you're on the floor 239 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:25,920 and they are in the sky above you. 240 00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:29,120 Because the environment is all sub aqua, that's what he's saying. 241 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:31,080 Oh, they're underwater! 242 00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:37,240 Complete the plotline of the story so the audience understand! 243 00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:39,920 Have you totally understood the theme of the show? 244 00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:44,240 - If you look here, just look here for a brief moment... - Yes, yes? 245 00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:48,120 A kids' party is about to happen. I understand. 246 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:50,120 So, talking about the danger of sharks, 247 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:52,640 the contrast of sharks killing six people - 248 00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:55,120 more than a million sharks are killed by people every year. 249 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:57,640 So, we are much more of a danger to sharks than they are to us. 250 00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:00,040 They get caught in fishing nets, it's grim. 251 00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:03,200 I've got to stop killing sharks, man. I keep doing it! 252 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,600 You know that wonderful tune written by John Williams, 253 00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:06,800 the two-note theme to Jaws? 254 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:09,800 He described it as "grinding away at you just as a shark would do - 255 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:12,240 "instinctual, relentless and unstoppable." 256 00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:14,840 So, here's the thing - the film is two hours and 10 minutes, 257 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:19,840 but the shark doesn't appear until 81 minutes in. Do you know why? 258 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:22,840 Because it was a very diva-ish shark, 259 00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:25,320 it sort of refused to turn up at the right time. 260 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:27,160 That is actually the right answer. 261 00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:29,720 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 262 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:32,640 What?! 263 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:38,200 It was a mechanical shark and it kept breaking down, 264 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,280 so they had to keep finding creative ways to shoot round it, 265 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:44,920 so in a sense, the shark wouldn't come out of the trailer. 266 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:47,960 Jaws, of course, based on the book of the same name by Peter Benchley. 267 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,120 I have some working titles that he first thought of. 268 00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:51,760 The Stillness In The Water, 269 00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:52,920 The Jaws Of Death, 270 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:54,080 but my favourite - 271 00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:56,280 What's That Noshing On My Leg? 272 00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:04,200 Do you think in the book that he had typed, 273 00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:06,360 "Doo-doo... Doo-doo... 274 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:08,440 "Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo..."? 275 00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:10,680 Page 2 - "Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo..." 276 00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:12,600 "Oh, this thing's writing itself!" 277 00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:17,040 Benchley actually has a shark named after him. 278 00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:19,280 Etmopterus benchleyi. 279 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:22,120 It's not exactly a killer, it's about 30-50cm long, 280 00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:25,000 also known as ninja lantern shark. 281 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:26,760 It's fairly recently discovered, 282 00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:28,800 it lives off the coast of Central America. 283 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:31,760 We don't have one, obviously, in the studio. 284 00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:34,960 But I have a life-size cut-out. It looks like that. It's rather sweet. 285 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,600 That's the size it is in real life? 286 00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:39,880 That's the size of the one that Peter Benchley, who wrote Jaws, 287 00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:42,320 - has got named after him. - That is pathetic. - Yeah? 288 00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:43,720 THIS is a shark. 289 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:45,720 LAUGHTER 290 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:52,840 HE IMITATES JAWS THEME 291 00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:56,120 - Rarr! - But see, you couldn't help yourself but do the music, 292 00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:59,040 you immediately went... ALL IMITATE JAWS THEME 293 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:01,080 So he looks really nice and friendly there. 294 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:03,160 He looks rather sweet. 295 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:06,480 It's got lots of things on the side that says you shouldn't do. 296 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:09,320 But it doesn't say don't swim with actual sharks. 297 00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:11,200 That is not the smallest shark, though, 298 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:12,560 the one named after Benchley. 299 00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:14,480 The dwarf lantern shark is the smallest, 300 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:16,880 and it grows to only about 15 centimetres. 301 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,160 Aw! 302 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:21,440 I'd say, you know, a couple of those on a pizza, a bit of tomato... 303 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:24,880 Their stomach organs emit light 304 00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:27,360 to camouflage them from creatures below, so it makes them 305 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,840 blend into the sunlight that streams from the light above. 306 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:32,080 My favourite shark that I've ever seen was Joe Lycett 307 00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:33,400 in a swimming pool in Canada. 308 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:36,600 We were doing a gig there together and you know your little, like... 309 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:38,920 - Oh, yeah. - Your shark that he does in the pool. 310 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:40,680 But you don't see Joe coming. 311 00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:43,760 And then he goes... # Der-da! Der-da! Der-da... # 312 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,520 SHE IMITATES RIFF: I Love You Baby 313 00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:48,760 LAUGHTER 314 00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:51,560 There was a gay Jaws, as well, that I did, 315 00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:53,440 which was # Der-da! Der-da! Der-da... # 316 00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:55,160 Oooh! 317 00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:58,240 "Scared of me? Shut up!" 318 00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:00,480 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 319 00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:10,160 Did you know that female sharks can reproduce without male contact? 320 00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:11,440 Finally! 321 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:17,200 - Living the dream. - It is almost impossible to sneak up on a shark, 322 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:19,600 and that's because they have eyes on the side of their head. 323 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:23,520 They can see behind them just as well as they can see in front. 324 00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:24,920 I'm very... 325 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:26,560 LAUGHTER 326 00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:31,400 So, they've got two blind spots. 327 00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:34,080 One directly in front of them, and one behind. 328 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:36,680 I'm interested that someone has worked out 329 00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:40,280 how difficult it is to sneak up on a shark. 330 00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:42,640 That would involve someone seeing a shark and thinking, 331 00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:45,960 "I tell you what, I'm going to sneak up on it. 332 00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:49,240 "I'm going to give that shark the fright of its life." 333 00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:55,200 - Who... - "Do you know, it's really difficult to sneak up on them!" 334 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,800 The kid's going... # Der-da! Der-da! Der-da... # 335 00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:00,760 Who would like to see a shark which can bite chunks 336 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:03,400 - out of a submarine? Who would like to see? - Yeah. Yes, please. 337 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:06,320 OK, I don't even... Alan, can you lift that up, darling? 338 00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:08,240 It's very heavy. Here we have... 339 00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:10,600 ALAN GROANS 340 00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:12,240 So butch. 341 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,240 I shat that out earlier. 342 00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:17,080 LAUGHTER 343 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:24,480 There it is, I don't know if you can...if you can see it that well. 344 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:33,120 You're going to be so sorry, because the expert who's brought that in 345 00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,640 is about to speak to us, and you're going to be mortified. 346 00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:37,360 LAUGHTER 347 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:43,000 It is about 18 inches long and... 348 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,080 In fact, we have a number of things. 349 00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:47,520 Please welcome Chris Bird from Southampton University, 350 00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:50,280 and Ali Hood of the Shark Trust, who are sitting just over there. 351 00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:52,480 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 352 00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:56,320 Chris, let's start with the one in the jar. 353 00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:58,480 Is it true it could bite a chunk out of a submarine? 354 00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:01,120 Yeah, there's certainly historical evidence 355 00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:03,960 of them biting through the rubber coverings of submarines 356 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:06,320 and cables on undersea cameras and things like that. 357 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:09,080 - So what is this one called? - That's the cookie cutter shark. 358 00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:12,160 - And why's it called that? - It leaves these really distinctive 359 00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:15,320 kind of cookie-cutter bite marks on its prey. 360 00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:18,120 So, it usually eats whales and big fish. 361 00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:22,600 And it will suck onto the side of them, bore out a cookie cutter hole, 362 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:23,920 and then swim off. 363 00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:29,120 And sometimes it confuses submarines and cameras and cables for... 364 00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:31,320 - Right... - ..their prey. - And could it hurt a person? 365 00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:33,360 There's been one case of a person being eaten 366 00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:36,200 whilst they were swimming at night between two islands. 367 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:39,000 But it would be in small... They'd eat them slowly, by chunks, 368 00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:41,120 - like Hannibal Lecter? - You wouldn't know it came. 369 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,320 "First I get the back, then I get the brains." 370 00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:46,160 It would just dart by you, and then before you know it, 371 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:49,960 you'd kind of have a chunk missing without you realising what happened. 372 00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:52,400 That could be a good weight loss scheme. 373 00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:54,640 Yes! 374 00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:57,360 Swimming between the islands, you lose half a pound each way. 375 00:18:57,360 --> 00:19:00,280 If anyone's eaten too much custard, darling, that is wonderful. 376 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:02,200 Now, Ali, let me just talk about this, 377 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,960 because I have sometimes found these on a beach. 378 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,200 Tell me what it is. Is this a UK...? 379 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:10,040 Yes, yes, we have oviparous - egg-laying - 380 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,960 - sharks and skates in the UK. - So what is this? This is a...? 381 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:16,040 - That's... - That one is the egg case of a flapper skate. 382 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:19,160 It's found up in Scotland, around the north of Ireland. 383 00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:21,120 And that's one of the largest skates globally. 384 00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:23,320 It grows to two to three metres across its wingspan. 385 00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:26,000 Some people call them mermaids' purses, but it's sharks' eggs, 386 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,240 - isn't it? - Yeah, shark and skate and ray eggs, yeah. 387 00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:30,560 And when you find them, they're all empty, is that right? 388 00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:32,920 Generally, they're empty. If they're not, you'll know, 389 00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:34,960 - cos they'll be quite stinky. - And this one here? 390 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:36,960 The smaller species you have there are skate. 391 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:38,520 Or we call them rays. 392 00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:39,960 If they've got curly tendrils... 393 00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:42,320 - Yes... - ..those are cat shark egg cases, 394 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:45,040 so we have three egg-laying sharks in British waters. 395 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:46,440 And people could just find these 396 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:48,200 - on the beach for themselves? - Yeah. - OK. 397 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:50,800 So, the one that is really extraordinary is this beautiful... 398 00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:53,640 It's a piece of art, really. What is this one? 399 00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:57,960 That one is from Australia, it's associated with Port Jackson sharks, 400 00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,680 and I found that just the other week when I was down there. 401 00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:02,880 So, how does it work? It looks like a sort of screw. 402 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:05,960 Yes, the shark lays it, it takes the egg case in its mouth 403 00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:09,040 and then it literally screws it into a crevice in a rock, 404 00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:10,560 where it safely develops. 405 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:13,160 - AISLING: - And is it just one baby shark in that? 406 00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:16,080 One baby shark in all of those, yeah. Or skate, or ray. 407 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:19,080 Ali and Chris, thank you so very much. How wonderful. 408 00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:21,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 409 00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:25,880 Would you like me to put my shark away? 410 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:29,080 Yes, please, darling. Sorry, Alan. 411 00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:30,920 Goodbye, old friend. 412 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:32,360 LAUGHTER 413 00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:36,680 Right, what's the biggest thing in the ocean 414 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:38,400 that you've never heard of? 415 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:39,560 Oh. 416 00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:41,240 Well, I mean, we've never heard of it, 417 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,760 so it's difficult for us to name. 418 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:44,760 Yes. That is true. 419 00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:46,640 - Yeah, so... - Shall we have a stab at it? 420 00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:48,280 - Yes. - The sherdobleh. 421 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,400 That's what I was going to say. 422 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,320 # Row your boat... # Blue whale. 423 00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:54,360 KLAXON BLARES 424 00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:00,920 I mean, they're astonishing, up to 98 feet, 170 tonnes, 425 00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:03,120 but I want one you've never heard of. 426 00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:04,760 # Row your boat... # 427 00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:06,520 Red whale. 428 00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:09,040 LAUGHTER 429 00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:12,240 It's called the ocean sunfish. 430 00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:13,840 The common mola. 431 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:17,120 It is essentially a giant head covered in mucus. 432 00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:19,120 - AISLING GROANS - Oh, God! 433 00:21:19,120 --> 00:21:20,760 We've all been there! 434 00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:23,920 LAUGHTER 435 00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:26,480 I went scuba diving one time in Australia 436 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:30,600 and when I got back on the boat, the pilot of the boat said, 437 00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:33,560 "Got a little bit of, er... in your mask there, mate." 438 00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:36,080 And my mask was full of snot. 439 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:38,760 I mean, it was an extraordinary amount of snot that 440 00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:42,400 I couldn't understand that that had been in my head in the first place. 441 00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:47,600 - So, you were like one of these? - Yes, I was a head covered in mucus. 442 00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:49,400 They spend most of their time sunbathing 443 00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:50,640 on the surface of the ocean. 444 00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:53,720 One of these adults can literally weigh a tonne. 445 00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:59,160 And they grow to be 60 million times heavier than their larvae, 446 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:01,920 so that would be like a human baby becoming an adult 447 00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:03,800 the size of six Titanics. 448 00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:06,200 They have a grey, round body and rough skin that feels 449 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,240 a bit like sandpaper, but the Germans call it 450 00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:10,240 the Schwimmender Kopf - the swimming head. 451 00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:13,000 Apparently, they have a permanently surprised expression. 452 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:14,960 They have a mouth that never really closes. 453 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:17,440 And they are very docile and very curious and friendly. 454 00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:20,640 Tierney Thys, who is the world's leading expert, calls them "goofy". 455 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:24,160 She says that, when she goes to try and tag one, 456 00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,320 they stick their fin out of the water and wave, 457 00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:28,400 like they're going, "Hi, I'm over here!" 458 00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:32,680 The other one looks like he's about to start a fight on a night out. 459 00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:36,840 Like, "Oi, you! Over there! What were you saying about my mum? Eh?" 460 00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:39,320 Apparently, they're just not aggressive in any way. 461 00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:42,120 There's only one human death attributed to a mola, 462 00:22:42,120 --> 00:22:45,720 and that's a man who was accidentally flattened by one leaping. 463 00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:50,200 What size are they, then? 464 00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:53,360 About six by eight foot, but really it's like having a car come at you. 465 00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:56,480 - It's like a sort of Cadillac. - Whoa! God, they are big. - Yeah. 466 00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:57,840 Where would you find one? 467 00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:00,520 - Isle of Wight. - Yeah. 468 00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:03,400 In fact, the Isle of Wight is one big one. 469 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:05,200 They like it warm, darling. 470 00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:07,600 You're not going to find it round the British coast. 471 00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:09,000 They're very strong swimmers 472 00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:11,760 and they can dive down to a fantastic depth of 2,600 metres. 473 00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:15,800 And the females produce as many as 300 million eggs at a time, but... 474 00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:19,240 only two survive. 475 00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:20,560 Aww. 476 00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:21,840 Yeah. I don't know... 477 00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:24,600 We feel bad, we're invested now in the mola. 478 00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:27,080 It looks like it's not finished. 479 00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:29,840 They've sort of gone like, 480 00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:32,560 "Just squeeze it in at the bottom. There, that'll be fine." 481 00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:37,480 It's like the Good Lord went, "Er, it'll do." 482 00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:40,720 - Unfinished sculpture of a fish. - Yeah. 483 00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:43,320 The biggest thing in the ocean that we'd never heard of 484 00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:45,920 used to be the Mola mola, although now we know about it, 485 00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:48,440 that title will have to be passed on to something else. 486 00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:52,920 As an editor, what suggestions would you make to improve Moby Dick? 487 00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:54,920 # The sea... # 488 00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:56,080 Yes? 489 00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:57,960 I think it should have, 490 00:23:57,960 --> 00:23:59,720 like, a feminist remake 491 00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:02,240 and it should be called Moby Fanny. 492 00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:04,600 LAUGHTER 493 00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:11,280 Do you want to give me any plot points at all? 494 00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:14,280 She still eats a man whole, um... 495 00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:15,800 LAUGHTER 496 00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:20,200 The publisher who it was sent to, Peter J Bentley, 497 00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:24,320 rejected Herman Melville's Moby Dick because he didn't like the whale. 498 00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:27,040 This is what he wrote. 499 00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:30,800 "First, we must ask, does it have to be a whale? 500 00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:34,520 "While this is a rather delightful, if somewhat esoteric plot device, 501 00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:37,320 "we recommend an antagonist with a more popular visage 502 00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:40,240 "among the younger readers. For instance, 503 00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:42,120 "could not the captain be struggling 504 00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:46,160 "with a depravity towards young, perhaps voluptuous, maidens?" 505 00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:47,800 LAUGHTER 506 00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:54,080 Partly inspired by a real whale called Mocha Dick, 507 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:57,520 a whale that was fantastically fussy about his coffee. 508 00:24:57,520 --> 00:24:59,520 LAUGHTER 509 00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:03,080 - Well, Starbuck's a character in it, isn't he? - Yes, absolutely. 510 00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:05,440 So, it was a real whale, an albino sperm whale 511 00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:07,000 who swam alongside whaling boats 512 00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:08,960 and if the boats tried to attack Mocha Dick, 513 00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:10,320 he would then destroy them. 514 00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:13,840 In fact, when he was killed in 1839, they found 19 harpoons in his side. 515 00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:16,960 - It was a legendary whale. - What sort of whale was it, sorry? 516 00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:18,400 Herman Melville talks about 517 00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:20,880 - a sperm whale as the largest creature on Earth. - Right. 518 00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:23,560 But when he was writing, the blue whale had never been measured. 519 00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:26,240 The blue whale's going, "Ssh!" 520 00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:29,560 So, the sperm whale is sort of 67 feet to the blue whale's 521 00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:34,080 kind of 98 feet, so not as big, but it's the largest toothed whale. 522 00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:39,040 I was at the Natural History Museum, and the penis of the sperm whale 523 00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:46,400 is just so intimidating, it's just so long, like, two cars, I'd say. 524 00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:48,240 To carry that around with him... 525 00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:50,840 Are we talking, like, a Vauxhall Astra, or...? 526 00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:53,000 - Yeah, good point. - Or a Range Rover? 527 00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,680 Well, actually, our shark experts might know. 528 00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:57,680 Would you know how long... Hi... 529 00:25:57,680 --> 00:25:59,640 Just because they're shark experts 530 00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:02,320 doesn't mean they're experts on whale penises. 531 00:26:02,320 --> 00:26:04,880 They are very separate fields! 532 00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:09,360 What specific car is a whale's dick like? 533 00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:11,280 A limousine, I think. 534 00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:13,840 - Limousine? - Limousine, yeah. 535 00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:17,040 Like a well-attended hen party limousine, or... 536 00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:21,040 It's only like a stretch limo when it's excited. 537 00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:24,320 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 538 00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:29,040 Moving on... 539 00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:30,880 Poor old Herman Melville, 540 00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:36,720 3,715 copies of Moby Dick sold in his lifetime, and just 556.37, 541 00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:39,080 he died virtually unknown. 542 00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:41,880 And then in 2014, the Guardian named Moby Dick 543 00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:44,360 the 17th greatest novel of all time. 544 00:26:44,360 --> 00:26:46,960 So for an extra point, buzz in, 545 00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:48,840 who knows the first line of Moby Dick? 546 00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:51,760 - AUDIENCE MEMBER: - "Call me Ishmael." 547 00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:53,720 "Call me Ishmael," absolutely right. 548 00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:55,880 "Some years ago, never mind how long precisely, 549 00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:57,680 "having little or no money in my purse 550 00:26:57,680 --> 00:26:59,840 "and nothing particular to interest me on shore, 551 00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:01,760 "I thought I would sail about a little 552 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:03,520 "and see the watery part of the world." 553 00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:05,320 According to American Book Review, 554 00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:08,880 that is the number-one best sentence in the world. 555 00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:11,480 I'm going to read out number two, and I will give a bonus point 556 00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:13,880 to anybody who interrupts to tell me where it's from. 557 00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:15,760 "It's a truth universally acknowledged 558 00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:18,240 "that a single man in possession of a good fortune..." 559 00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:20,600 It's Jane Austen, isn't it? Pride And Prejudice? 560 00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:22,920 Pride And Prejudice, you're absolutely right, yes. 561 00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:24,360 "..must be in want of a wife." 562 00:27:24,360 --> 00:27:25,880 Have you got anything lower down, 563 00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:27,840 like Harry Potter-ish that I can buzz in for? 564 00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:30,360 Is the third one, "If it's custard..." 565 00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:32,280 LAUGHTER 566 00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:35,920 I tell you what I do have, 567 00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:39,080 I have some of the greatest rejection letters of all time. 568 00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:42,040 "An irresponsible holiday story that will never sell" - 569 00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:45,560 The Wind In The Willows by Kenneth Grahame. 570 00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:48,760 "An absurd and uninteresting fantasy which was rubbish and dull" - 571 00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:51,560 William Golding, Lord Of The Flies. 572 00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:54,920 "I haven't the foggiest idea about what the man is trying to say. 573 00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:58,920 "Apparently, the author intends to be funny" - Catch-22 by Joseph Heller. 574 00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:02,400 "I'm afraid I thought this one as dire as its title. 575 00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:04,920 "It's a kind of Prince of Denmark of the hotel world, 576 00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:07,080 "a collection of cliches and stock characters 577 00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:09,760 "which I can't see being anything but a disaster" - 578 00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:14,240 Ian Main, a BBC comedy script editor, turning down Fawlty Towers. 579 00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:16,200 AUDIENCE GASP Wonderful, isn't it? 580 00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:19,960 And TS Eliot, who used to work as a director at Faber and Faber, 581 00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:22,960 the great publishing house, he rejected George Orwell's Animal Farm 582 00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:26,160 because he was concerned it was excessively Trotskyist. 583 00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:29,880 He argued, "The pigs were far more intelligent than the other animals, 584 00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:32,440 "and the farm needed more public spirited pigs." 585 00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:37,360 So, if editors had had their way, 586 00:28:37,360 --> 00:28:41,840 Moby Dick would have been a voluptuous maiden instead of a whale. 587 00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:44,240 What kind of bag were all British lifeboats 588 00:28:44,240 --> 00:28:46,880 required to carry until 1998? 589 00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:48,800 A ha-a-andba-a-a-ag. 590 00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:51,640 KLAXON BLARES 591 00:28:57,960 --> 00:28:59,400 Sick bag. 592 00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:01,360 KLAXON BLARES 593 00:29:01,360 --> 00:29:04,720 - A bag for life? - A bag for life! 594 00:29:04,720 --> 00:29:06,680 - See? - That's very good... - See what I did there? 595 00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:09,600 - It's a lifeboat, it's a bag for life. - That's very good. 596 00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:12,520 Is it one of those wet bags that keeps things dry? 597 00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:15,200 - Well, it certainly has liquid in it. - Ooh... 598 00:29:15,200 --> 00:29:18,000 - So, what kind of liquid might you take with you...? - Custard. 599 00:29:20,880 --> 00:29:23,600 - A bag of custard. - A bag of custard. 600 00:29:23,600 --> 00:29:26,720 It's oil. They were known as wave-quelling bags, 601 00:29:26,720 --> 00:29:29,080 so oil was commonly used to calm troubled waters. 602 00:29:29,080 --> 00:29:30,760 I'm sure you've heard the expression. 603 00:29:30,760 --> 00:29:33,400 It was kept in a canvas bag, which was attached to the anchor, 604 00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:36,920 and it worked by reducing the wave height and the sea spray, 605 00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:40,480 and lifeboats were required to carry oil bags until 1998. 606 00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:43,720 How much oil would you need to put in the water to stop a wave? 607 00:29:43,720 --> 00:29:45,280 It's really a small amount. 608 00:29:45,280 --> 00:29:48,760 So a single tablespoon of oil dropped onto a lake 609 00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:51,440 - can calm half an acre of water. - No, no, that's... 610 00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:53,720 What happens is it spreads out and forms a layer, 611 00:29:53,720 --> 00:29:56,440 which is one molecule thick, and that is enough to prevent 612 00:29:56,440 --> 00:29:58,800 the wind from whipping up the waves onto the surface. 613 00:29:58,800 --> 00:30:01,680 This is something that has been known about since Pliny the Elder, 614 00:30:01,680 --> 00:30:05,360 and he wrote, "Everything is soothed by oil," and this is the reason why 615 00:30:05,360 --> 00:30:08,240 divers send out small quantities of it from their mouths, 616 00:30:08,240 --> 00:30:10,680 because it smoothes every part which is rough. 617 00:30:10,680 --> 00:30:13,560 Oh, my God. Like a salad dressing amount. 618 00:30:13,560 --> 00:30:16,080 How are you making your salad?! 619 00:30:16,080 --> 00:30:18,640 - I was giving it a bit of... - She's tossing it, darling. 620 00:30:18,640 --> 00:30:21,920 It's amazing, the amount of oil slicks there've been 621 00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:23,520 in the last half a century, 622 00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:26,560 it's amazing there's ever any rough weather at sea. 623 00:30:27,920 --> 00:30:31,080 Nobody ever sees the positive side of an oil slick. 624 00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:33,440 Genuinely, though, in an oil slick area, 625 00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:36,080 would there then be no waves for ages? 626 00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:37,640 It would genuinely calm the waters, 627 00:30:37,640 --> 00:30:39,280 and one of the reasons why we know this, 628 00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:41,200 the person who did so many experiments on this, 629 00:30:41,200 --> 00:30:43,760 is the great American statesman Benjamin Franklin. 630 00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:46,080 He saw two ships from a flotilla, 631 00:30:46,080 --> 00:30:48,920 and they had smooth waters in their wake while the other ships didn't. 632 00:30:48,920 --> 00:30:52,200 And he asked why, and he was told that those ships had jettisoned 633 00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:54,560 their kitchen grease and that therefore gave them 634 00:30:54,560 --> 00:30:56,680 the easier passage. And he checked this out. 635 00:30:56,680 --> 00:30:59,160 And what's lovely, he did experiments on a place in London, 636 00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:01,720 and there's a place called Mount Pond, on Clapham Common, 637 00:31:01,720 --> 00:31:03,960 and that is, in fact, where he did his experiments, 638 00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:05,360 and the pond is still there today. 639 00:31:05,360 --> 00:31:06,680 It stinks of chip fat. 640 00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:09,200 LAUGHTER 641 00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:11,440 There's also a natural... It's not just us who do this - 642 00:31:11,440 --> 00:31:14,040 swordfish, they've got a gland next to their noses, 643 00:31:14,040 --> 00:31:15,680 and they secrete oil 644 00:31:15,680 --> 00:31:19,280 and it's thought to coat the fish's head in order to repel water 645 00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:21,360 and make it easier for them to swim through it, 646 00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:25,120 and they can reach speeds of up to 62mph. So, and that is, again, the... 647 00:31:25,120 --> 00:31:27,560 And when you go to fry them as well, it's really handy, 648 00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:29,160 because you're just like, "Fzzzt!" 649 00:31:29,160 --> 00:31:31,720 It doesn't stick to the pan. Straightaway. 650 00:31:31,720 --> 00:31:34,400 You could just hold them by the nose and cook them like that. 651 00:31:34,400 --> 00:31:36,680 Rub its face in garlic, you could use its nose to chop up 652 00:31:36,680 --> 00:31:39,000 all the garlic and the onions, then put him in the pan. 653 00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:41,160 Make a salad... 654 00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:49,560 Now, describe the world's oiliest Valentine's card. 655 00:31:49,560 --> 00:31:54,400 Er, "Oil love you for ever"? 656 00:31:54,400 --> 00:31:57,000 Well, you're not far off. 657 00:31:57,000 --> 00:32:01,280 Is it just Aisling's, because her salad dressing's gone everywhere? 658 00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:05,480 We might send Valentine's cards that are also supportive of oil. 659 00:32:05,480 --> 00:32:07,240 - Oh, like General Motors? - Yes. 660 00:32:07,240 --> 00:32:09,880 "General Motors loves how much petrol that you buy." 661 00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:12,800 - OK, you are absolutely right, except it was Shell Oil. - Ah. 662 00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:16,480 So, 1938 to 1975, Shell Oil sent anonymous Valentine's cards 663 00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:18,040 to their female customers, 664 00:32:18,040 --> 00:32:21,640 and they wanted to make sure they were anonymous, so they bought stamps 665 00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:24,240 rather than putting it through the franking machine, 666 00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:26,800 but I think the verses rather give away that it was 667 00:32:26,800 --> 00:32:28,920 a marketing gimmick, so, here is one. 668 00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:31,240 "At last you know, my Valentine 669 00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:33,240 "The news I've longed to bring 670 00:32:33,240 --> 00:32:35,840 "Now let the petrol flow like wine 671 00:32:35,840 --> 00:32:39,200 "Let joyful engines sing." 672 00:32:39,200 --> 00:32:40,880 Wow. 673 00:32:40,880 --> 00:32:42,400 I've got another one. 674 00:32:42,400 --> 00:32:44,360 Aisling, perhaps you'd read one for us, please? 675 00:32:44,360 --> 00:32:46,080 Of course, I can definitely read. 676 00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:49,960 "My Valentine, my basic need 677 00:32:49,960 --> 00:32:51,400 "O fly away with me! 678 00:32:51,400 --> 00:32:53,800 "My heart is full, if not my tank 679 00:32:53,800 --> 00:32:56,480 "To journey far with thee." 680 00:32:56,480 --> 00:32:58,120 Aww! Lovely. 681 00:32:58,120 --> 00:33:00,320 Is "tank" a euphemism in that poem? 682 00:33:00,320 --> 00:33:02,840 But how did Shell Oil get their name? Anybody know? 683 00:33:02,840 --> 00:33:05,800 I got a tiny dying memory in my brain... 684 00:33:05,800 --> 00:33:09,200 The father of the guy that founded it collected shells? 685 00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:10,880 You are absolutely right. 686 00:33:14,960 --> 00:33:17,640 It was a man called Marcus Samuel, he had an antiques business 687 00:33:17,640 --> 00:33:21,040 in Whitechapel in London, and then in 1833, he started importing 688 00:33:21,040 --> 00:33:24,680 ornamental shells because they were hugely popular in interior design, 689 00:33:24,680 --> 00:33:27,680 and in order to get these shells from all over the world, 690 00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:29,680 he developed all sorts of trade routes, 691 00:33:29,680 --> 00:33:32,920 and then his sons began trading in oil 692 00:33:32,920 --> 00:33:37,520 and they used their father's routes in order to bring the oil in. 693 00:33:37,520 --> 00:33:41,080 Isn't there something about the importance of oil as a sort of 694 00:33:41,080 --> 00:33:44,320 global political thing, increasing massively 695 00:33:44,320 --> 00:33:50,000 when Winston Churchill turned the Royal Navy from coal to oil? 696 00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:53,360 Oh, I did not know that, but that makes total sense to me. 697 00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:55,080 So, you would imagine at that moment, 698 00:33:55,080 --> 00:33:56,920 if you want to rule the waves, then... 699 00:33:56,920 --> 00:33:59,320 Yeah, suddenly, the coal that was underneath Britain 700 00:33:59,320 --> 00:34:01,520 wasn't enough, and it was important to control 701 00:34:01,520 --> 00:34:03,560 bits of the world that had oil underneath. 702 00:34:03,560 --> 00:34:05,800 - So, it's Churchill's fault? - It's Churchill's fault. 703 00:34:05,800 --> 00:34:07,360 - You don't hear that very often. - Yup. 704 00:34:07,360 --> 00:34:10,560 Roses are red, oil makes us slick 705 00:34:10,560 --> 00:34:13,960 Shell's Valentine's cards were a marketing trick. 706 00:34:13,960 --> 00:34:17,280 - See what I did there? - Nice, very nice. - Thank you. - Liked it. 707 00:34:17,280 --> 00:34:19,760 Now, steady your stomachs and hold on to the handrail, 708 00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:21,680 it's time for General Ignorance. 709 00:34:21,680 --> 00:34:23,520 Complete this sentence. 710 00:34:23,520 --> 00:34:26,080 There are plenty more fish in the... 711 00:34:26,080 --> 00:34:27,240 # How deep...? # 712 00:34:27,240 --> 00:34:28,520 Sea. 713 00:34:28,520 --> 00:34:30,280 KLAXON BLARES 714 00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:33,800 You don't learn, do you? 715 00:34:33,800 --> 00:34:35,520 - # Row your boat... # - Yes? 716 00:34:35,520 --> 00:34:36,880 Sky. 717 00:34:38,880 --> 00:34:41,840 Only 20% of the world's fish species actually live in the sea, 718 00:34:41,840 --> 00:34:43,840 - where do the rest live? - In the rivers. 719 00:34:43,840 --> 00:34:45,920 Rivers. Rivers and lakes, absolutely right. 720 00:34:45,920 --> 00:34:49,080 Amazon, Congo, Mekong, all those kind of river basins, 721 00:34:49,080 --> 00:34:51,120 particularly diverse in fish species, 722 00:34:51,120 --> 00:34:53,920 so one site in the Amazon basin, Cantao State Park, 723 00:34:53,920 --> 00:34:56,880 contains more freshwater fish species than the whole of Europe. 724 00:34:56,880 --> 00:34:59,440 - That's a lot of fish! - It is a lot of fish. 725 00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:01,240 LAUGHTER 726 00:35:01,240 --> 00:35:04,280 I think that's the premise for mentioning it. 727 00:35:08,040 --> 00:35:11,040 Hang on! Do you see how he's understood the show?! 728 00:35:11,040 --> 00:35:14,640 David? The next time you come on, that chair's very comfy. 729 00:35:16,800 --> 00:35:17,920 Possible... 730 00:35:17,920 --> 00:35:20,360 Of course, we have polluted our rivers 731 00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:24,600 and many of them don't sustain large fish populations. 732 00:35:24,600 --> 00:35:25,760 Yeah. 733 00:35:25,760 --> 00:35:26,880 Um... 734 00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:29,200 You talked about fish coming from the sky. 735 00:35:29,200 --> 00:35:32,840 So, in Utah, it used to be that remote lakes were once stocked 736 00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:36,120 by walking miles and miles with milk cans full of fish, 737 00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:41,920 and today they're dropped from planes 150 foot above the lakes, 738 00:35:41,920 --> 00:35:44,880 and it's called aerial restocking. Ted Hallows, 739 00:35:44,880 --> 00:35:48,360 who's a hatchery manager from Kamas County in Utah, says, 740 00:35:48,360 --> 00:35:51,080 "Most of the fish make it to the water safely." 741 00:35:52,080 --> 00:35:54,920 And each one of those fish has got a JustGiving page. 742 00:35:54,920 --> 00:35:57,320 LAUGHTER 743 00:36:00,080 --> 00:36:02,080 They are slightly obsessed with the fish. 744 00:36:02,080 --> 00:36:03,800 Utah has a lake named Fish Lake, 745 00:36:03,800 --> 00:36:08,600 you find it on the Fish Lake Plateau in the Fish Lake National Forest. 746 00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:10,840 - That's too many nouns! - Too many fish. 747 00:36:10,840 --> 00:36:13,840 Fish, lake, forest - which is it?! 748 00:36:15,760 --> 00:36:19,480 I feel like Fish Lake would make a less athletic ballet show. 749 00:36:19,480 --> 00:36:22,400 LAUGHTER 750 00:36:25,360 --> 00:36:27,680 Sometimes, there are fish in the sky - 751 00:36:27,680 --> 00:36:31,560 in 2004, the people of Knighton in Powys were surprised to see 752 00:36:31,560 --> 00:36:35,080 dozens of minnows flying around. It was after a thunderstorm, 753 00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:39,480 and the usual explanation is that a small tornado has sucked 754 00:36:39,480 --> 00:36:42,040 the fish from a nearby body of water, although some people 755 00:36:42,040 --> 00:36:44,880 are sceptical of this, they think it's an overflow from a pond. 756 00:36:44,880 --> 00:36:48,760 But why isn't there actually a fish that lives in trees or on the land? 757 00:36:48,760 --> 00:36:51,680 - Because, you know, there's penguins that live in the sea... - Yes. 758 00:36:51,680 --> 00:36:54,280 ..and mammals that live in the sea, you know, 759 00:36:54,280 --> 00:36:59,320 why hasn't a fish had the gumption to start living like a rabbit? 760 00:36:59,320 --> 00:37:02,520 - You know. - I think it's lack of ambition. 761 00:37:03,640 --> 00:37:06,760 Bats - bats are mammals, they can fly, 762 00:37:06,760 --> 00:37:10,640 it just doesn't make sense that fish aren't trying! 763 00:37:12,360 --> 00:37:15,120 I think that what you need to do is to start diving 764 00:37:15,120 --> 00:37:17,920 and give those fish a good talking-to. 765 00:37:17,920 --> 00:37:19,440 I wouldn't need to dive, 766 00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:21,960 if there were fish running around the house... 767 00:37:21,960 --> 00:37:24,640 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 768 00:37:30,800 --> 00:37:32,960 The mangrove killifish lives on land. 769 00:37:32,960 --> 00:37:35,240 - Oh, there's one. - Well done! 770 00:37:36,320 --> 00:37:40,080 Well done, mangrove killifish. That's my kind of fish! 771 00:37:41,560 --> 00:37:45,840 Now, when do spring tides occur in the southern hemisphere? 772 00:37:45,840 --> 00:37:48,440 - Ooh. - Now, is it... Now... 773 00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:49,960 - Ah. - Yeah, yeah? 774 00:37:49,960 --> 00:37:51,040 Oh... 775 00:37:51,040 --> 00:37:52,400 # The sea... # 776 00:37:53,640 --> 00:37:55,560 - Is it... - Yes. 777 00:37:55,560 --> 00:38:00,160 ..the opposite to us here in the northern hemisphere, so... 778 00:38:00,160 --> 00:38:03,000 - What are you going to say? - I am going to go, Sandi, with 779 00:38:03,000 --> 00:38:05,640 Augus-s-s-s... 780 00:38:05,640 --> 00:38:09,240 Sept...ember... 781 00:38:09,240 --> 00:38:10,800 Are you saying autumn? 782 00:38:10,800 --> 00:38:13,480 - KLAXON BLARES - You're not giving me a clue. 783 00:38:13,480 --> 00:38:15,600 OK. Autumn, yeah. 784 00:38:15,600 --> 00:38:17,520 - No. - Darn. - Anybody else? 785 00:38:17,520 --> 00:38:18,960 - Spring. - Hey! 786 00:38:18,960 --> 00:38:20,360 KLAXON BLARES 787 00:38:21,400 --> 00:38:23,600 Spring tides have got nothing to do with spring at all. 788 00:38:23,600 --> 00:38:26,440 It is the high tide that follows a new or a full moon, 789 00:38:26,440 --> 00:38:28,800 so it is the time when there is the most difference 790 00:38:28,800 --> 00:38:30,440 between high and low tides. 791 00:38:30,440 --> 00:38:33,640 So, basically, it occurs twice a month, all year round. 792 00:38:33,640 --> 00:38:35,920 It just comes from an earlier meaning of spring, 793 00:38:35,920 --> 00:38:38,280 which means to rise up suddenly, that's all it is. 794 00:38:38,280 --> 00:38:41,440 But tide actually has a Norse origin, so in Denmark, 795 00:38:41,440 --> 00:38:45,320 the word for time is "tid", T-I-D, and that's where we get tide from. 796 00:38:45,320 --> 00:38:47,480 So, tide and time actually means the same thing. 797 00:38:47,480 --> 00:38:50,400 It's like Eastertide, isn't it? Doesn't refer to the tide. 798 00:38:50,400 --> 00:38:52,000 That means Easter-time. 799 00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:54,920 - Yuletide, it's the same. It's about time, isn't it? - Yeah. 800 00:38:54,920 --> 00:38:56,360 Highest tide in the world, Canada, 801 00:38:56,360 --> 00:38:59,880 the Bay of Fundy, which separates New Brunswick from Nova Scotia, 802 00:38:59,880 --> 00:39:05,240 the difference between high and low tide at its most is 53 feet. 803 00:39:05,240 --> 00:39:08,600 The level is the same as a three-storey building. 804 00:39:08,600 --> 00:39:09,920 That's phenomenal. 805 00:39:09,920 --> 00:39:13,520 Imagine, the tide's coming in, "Yeah, be all right." 806 00:39:13,520 --> 00:39:16,520 - 53 feet. - "The house, the house!" 807 00:39:18,880 --> 00:39:20,960 Now, without leaving your seat, 808 00:39:20,960 --> 00:39:24,920 please somebody do an impression of an Olympic diver. 809 00:39:24,920 --> 00:39:26,280 "Hello, it's me, Tom Daley." 810 00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:29,280 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 811 00:39:35,600 --> 00:39:37,160 Do I get the point, or...? 812 00:39:37,160 --> 00:39:40,240 Yeah, I liked that, you can have an extra point, that's very good. 813 00:39:40,240 --> 00:39:42,560 - What do you mean? - Er, well, what do they look like? 814 00:39:42,560 --> 00:39:44,280 They go, they dive... 815 00:39:44,280 --> 00:39:45,840 KLAXON BLARES No. 816 00:39:48,840 --> 00:39:51,880 No, they lock their hands together, like this, 817 00:39:51,880 --> 00:39:54,640 and enter with the palms entering the water first, 818 00:39:54,640 --> 00:39:56,480 because it creates less splash. 819 00:39:56,480 --> 00:39:58,760 So they're trying to make a cavity in the water 820 00:39:58,760 --> 00:40:01,760 wide enough for the body to go through, so if you look there, 821 00:40:01,760 --> 00:40:04,800 - when they impact... - I'm looking, I'm looking. 822 00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:08,120 - It is an odd angle to see somebody at, isn't it? - Not particularly. 823 00:40:08,120 --> 00:40:10,720 LAUGHTER 824 00:40:12,440 --> 00:40:14,800 Do you watch dangling men? 825 00:40:16,720 --> 00:40:19,160 "If you wouldn't mind putting your ankles up there?" 826 00:40:21,680 --> 00:40:23,120 I went to see Olympic diving. 827 00:40:23,120 --> 00:40:25,240 - Was it good? - Well, the thing about it is... 828 00:40:26,600 --> 00:40:29,240 ..once you've seen one, you really have seen them all. 829 00:40:32,320 --> 00:40:36,040 One by one, they go up the top and whoop, splash! 830 00:40:36,040 --> 00:40:37,520 HE EXHALES 831 00:40:39,360 --> 00:40:41,280 It's not a spectator sport. 832 00:40:41,280 --> 00:40:44,400 So, you watched the Rio Olympics? Because the pool got, became... 833 00:40:44,400 --> 00:40:46,280 - It went green. - It went green! 834 00:40:46,280 --> 00:40:50,280 Somebody had poured 160 litres of hydrogen peroxide into the pool, 835 00:40:50,280 --> 00:40:53,360 and if you put chlorine and hydrogen peroxide together, 836 00:40:53,360 --> 00:40:57,400 they neutralise one another and algae is free to grow. 837 00:40:57,400 --> 00:41:00,920 The thing I like best about Rio was they had some of the world's 838 00:41:00,920 --> 00:41:05,520 greatest swimmers, and 75 lifeguards. Now... 839 00:41:05,520 --> 00:41:08,360 LAUGHTER 840 00:41:08,360 --> 00:41:10,840 Well, they might be very, very fast, 841 00:41:10,840 --> 00:41:13,160 but have they got a brick off the bottom? 842 00:41:14,840 --> 00:41:18,600 Apparently, the issue is that synchronised swimmers can collide. 843 00:41:18,600 --> 00:41:21,560 That is one of the things. And swimmers sometimes faint. 844 00:41:21,560 --> 00:41:23,280 So, they had 75 lifeguards, who... 845 00:41:23,280 --> 00:41:25,680 Two things that no-one has ever seen happen. 846 00:41:25,680 --> 00:41:28,600 Do you know what was my favourite? My favourite sport of all time - 847 00:41:28,600 --> 00:41:31,280 solo synchronised swimming. 848 00:41:31,280 --> 00:41:33,400 LAUGHTER 849 00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:39,240 OK, it was a sport at the Olympic Games between 1984 and 1992. 850 00:41:39,240 --> 00:41:42,640 I mean, that's just splashing about. 851 00:41:42,640 --> 00:41:44,480 - On your own. - To music! 852 00:41:46,000 --> 00:41:47,600 It's great fun, I'm sure, 853 00:41:47,600 --> 00:41:49,600 but there's no need to make it a competition. 854 00:41:49,600 --> 00:41:52,040 No, but what you could do is put a shark in... 855 00:41:54,400 --> 00:41:56,360 Right, final question in our ocean show, 856 00:41:56,360 --> 00:41:58,960 so we go to the greatest ocean of all. 857 00:41:58,960 --> 00:42:02,000 How many lungs does Billy Ocean have? 858 00:42:03,040 --> 00:42:04,520 I'm going to go one. 859 00:42:04,520 --> 00:42:06,240 KLAXON BLARES 860 00:42:07,520 --> 00:42:08,760 Three! 861 00:42:08,760 --> 00:42:10,920 He has three. He has an extra pulmonary node 862 00:42:10,920 --> 00:42:12,320 between his two regular lungs. 863 00:42:12,320 --> 00:42:13,880 And some people attribute the fact 864 00:42:13,880 --> 00:42:15,800 that he's got this extra lung capacity 865 00:42:15,800 --> 00:42:17,560 as to why he's had such a long career. 866 00:42:17,560 --> 00:42:20,840 I think it's cos he's one of the nicest men you will ever, ever meet. 867 00:42:20,840 --> 00:42:22,320 Now, as we head back into harbour, 868 00:42:22,320 --> 00:42:24,000 let's take a quick look at the score. 869 00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:26,280 All at sea, in last place, 870 00:42:26,280 --> 00:42:29,200 with -51, it's Alan! 871 00:42:29,200 --> 00:42:30,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 872 00:42:34,160 --> 00:42:37,480 In third place, with -37, David! 873 00:42:37,480 --> 00:42:39,200 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 874 00:42:41,840 --> 00:42:44,720 In second, with -17, Aisling! 875 00:42:44,720 --> 00:42:47,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 876 00:42:47,960 --> 00:42:51,600 And tonight's winner, with -15, it's Joe! 877 00:42:51,600 --> 00:42:54,400 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 878 00:43:00,720 --> 00:43:03,280 Tonight's objectionable object, 879 00:43:03,280 --> 00:43:08,440 this lovely sausage dog drink dispenser, goes to Joe. 880 00:43:08,440 --> 00:43:12,160 - Congratulations. - I love that. - There you go. - Look at that! 881 00:43:12,160 --> 00:43:16,320 Fantastic! It only remains for me to thank Aisling, David, Joe and Alan. 882 00:43:17,880 --> 00:43:19,800 Now that we've all disembarked safely, 883 00:43:19,800 --> 00:43:22,080 we hope you enjoyed your voyage aboard the QI2, 884 00:43:22,080 --> 00:43:23,800 and we'll leave you with this. 885 00:43:23,800 --> 00:43:25,760 During the early days of the Iraq war, 886 00:43:25,760 --> 00:43:28,680 Defence Secretary Geoff Hoon stated in Parliament 887 00:43:28,680 --> 00:43:31,960 that the port of Umm Qasr was like the city of Southampton. 888 00:43:31,960 --> 00:43:34,880 "He's either never been to Umm Qasr or he's never been to Southampton," 889 00:43:34,880 --> 00:43:37,240 said one soldier. "There's no beer, no prostitutes, 890 00:43:37,240 --> 00:43:38,640 "and people are shooting at us. 891 00:43:38,640 --> 00:43:40,960 "It's actually more like Portsmouth!" 892 00:43:40,960 --> 00:43:42,520 Thank you very much, goodnight!