1 00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:27,200 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:34,880 Good evening, and welcome to QI, 3 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:40,560 where tonight we're up in the attic rootling through the tea chests 4 00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:44,760 and old suitcases in search of Quite Interesting Odds And Ends. 5 00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:48,720 And joining me on my rummage are an absolute treasure, 6 00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:50,120 Romesh Ranganathan... 7 00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:51,920 APPLAUSE 8 00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:56,600 ..a collector's item, Liza Tarbuck... 9 00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:58,040 APPLAUSE 10 00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:04,640 - ..a guest of rare antiquity, Matt Lucas. - Hello. 11 00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:07,600 APPLAUSE 12 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:11,080 And look who else we've managed to dig up - Alan Davies. 13 00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:13,040 APPLAUSE 14 00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:21,640 Right, their buzzers are an O-ssortment of odds and sods. 15 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:23,080 Romesh goes... 16 00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:26,800 # Bits and pieces, bits and pieces. # 17 00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:28,000 Liza goes... 18 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:32,680 # I said I've had too much of this and that. # 19 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:34,760 Oh, I like that. Matt goes... 20 00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:37,840 # Needles and pins. # 21 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:42,280 - These are jolly, aren't they? LIZA: - They are. - Ha. And Alan goes... 22 00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:46,440 # Sex and drugs and rock and roll is very cool indeed. # 23 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,160 LAUGHTER 24 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:54,080 OK, how's this for openers - what would you open with these? 25 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:55,880 So, let's have a quick look. 26 00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:58,440 I've got number one here. Do you want to have a look? 27 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:00,680 A door? A lock or something like that? 28 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:04,640 Well, it's going to certainly open something that's difficult to open. 29 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:07,720 A safe, a suitcase. 30 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:09,080 Your heart. 31 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:16,160 That would be a story, I tell you. 32 00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:18,720 - Is it a device for... - Yes? 33 00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:21,840 ..opening two unexploded party poppers? 34 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,640 - Oh, I want it to be that. - Yeah. 35 00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:28,760 I see that you're wearing a very fine watch there, Romesh. 36 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:36,160 - What do you think that it might be? - It's for a watch. 37 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:39,200 That's why we have you on this show, 38 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:42,480 it's the sharpness of the mind that is so fantastic. 39 00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:45,200 Is it...? No. 40 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,080 No. 41 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:49,480 It's the back case cover opener. 42 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:52,200 Yeah, so for a lady's... 43 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:55,080 With a simple action, you can get the things closer together, 44 00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:56,840 or indeed further apart. 45 00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:59,720 Yeah. So it could do a lady's watch or a gentleman's watch. 46 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:02,800 And, also, you can measure the girth of your penis with it. 47 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:06,200 Maybe YOU can, mate. 48 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:10,800 You could measure the length of yours with that. 49 00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:13,440 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 50 00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:19,800 How did we get there so quickly! 51 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:23,680 I just don't understand the applause of recognition 52 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:25,960 from members of the audience. 53 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:28,520 - Yes? - What...? Do you actually know? What do you do? 54 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:30,600 I'm not sure your watch is worth opening. 55 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:35,520 Thank you, Sandi. I was thinking to myself, I feel a bit victimised, 56 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:37,960 - it's been... - Sorry, I'm sorry. - But I don't mind, I don't mind 57 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:39,800 people talking about my penis, but my watch...! 58 00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:44,520 - That's a step too far. - OK. Let's have a look at this one. 59 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:45,960 You guys can have a look at that one 60 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:48,040 and see what you think of that. That's number two. 61 00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:50,880 Well, it's gynaecological, isn't it? If we're opening something. 62 00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:53,560 It is opening something, but you may be at the wrong end. 63 00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:57,640 Is that for, when you do a heart transplant, keeping the chest open? 64 00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:00,960 - LIZA: - Oh! - So this thing here is also used in the same area. 65 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,760 - So this is another... - Oh, now you're talking. - Yeah. LIZA: - Is it mouthy? 66 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:05,880 - It is mouthy, darling, yes. - OK. - It's on the mouth side, 67 00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:08,520 do you want to try that? So it's something to do with the mouth. 68 00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:10,080 - So it's keeping the mouth... - Yeah. 69 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:13,200 So, if you see, Matt, the thing that it's got, it ratchets open, 70 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:15,360 - but you would... - Is that right? - It is. 71 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:20,800 So what is that for? 72 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:23,320 Turning the mouth into a...into a letterbox or something? 73 00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:28,040 They can edit that out. 74 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:37,640 But the thing is, you can't get it out, Sandi, so... 75 00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:39,840 It's a cheap retractor. That's exactly how it works. 76 00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:41,240 - Is it? - And so is that. 77 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:44,480 - No, so don't put that bit in your mouth, darling. - Oh. 78 00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:47,360 I sound like a school teacher. Don't put that bit in your mouth, darling. 79 00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:49,840 Put the black bit into your mouth, so... 80 00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:52,120 Yes, so the middle bit, you put that in. 81 00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:54,360 Well, how? My mouth isn't that big. 82 00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:56,800 Well, you've got to close it first. The thing. 83 00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:58,680 Oh. What, so put that in? 84 00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:00,320 No, put it around the other way, I think. 85 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:04,000 - LIZA: - I've been handling that. - The other way? - No, no. 86 00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:06,840 I usually have someone who looks after me. 87 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:12,000 And they help me out with things like this. 88 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:14,400 - I'm a little overwhelmed at this time. - You were heading 89 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:17,040 - in the right direction. - What, in there? - Yes, put that in like that. 90 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:21,000 - And then open it up. - This? - Yes. And it... Yeah. 91 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:23,560 That's exactly... It holds the patient's mouth open 92 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:25,600 while they're having dental treatment. 93 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:27,800 - It's the stuff of dreams, isn't it? - Oh, yeah. 94 00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:30,520 - What about this one? Anybody got any thoughts what that is? - Oh. Wow. 95 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:32,040 So it's all about openings. 96 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:34,960 - LIZA: - If I was drunk, I'd say something that...I won't say it now. 97 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,640 - No, go on, treat yourself. - Er, no, I can't possibly. 98 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:40,840 - Are you thinking about a butt plug? - LIZA: - Yes. 99 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:45,320 Hold on, what are you, you're trying to get into the butt? 100 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:47,320 Well, it's a drill, isn't it? 101 00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:49,800 - ALAN: - We had a secret Santa once and I... - Bloody hell. 102 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:51,400 And I bought... 103 00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:56,040 I bought this thing called a back door beginner. 104 00:05:57,080 --> 00:05:58,800 It was quite a small one. 105 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:00,480 Why do you want to plug your butt? 106 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:03,480 - Oh, well... - Well... - Well, basically... - Yes? 107 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:08,560 Isn't it to do with re-educating the muscle to tighten again? 108 00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:11,600 - LIZA: - Oh. - "Re-educating" your arse! 109 00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:16,880 "Mum, Mum, I've got a lovely new job, I'm in education." 110 00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:19,520 Do you want to have a look? You can have a look. No? 111 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:22,120 - Is it anything to do with wine? - No, no, it isn't anything 112 00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:25,120 to do with wine. We're still in the human body. In fact, weirdly, 113 00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:28,040 we're in exactly the same place as we were before with the mouth thing. 114 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:31,480 - In the mouth? - And, so, what it is, it's an emergency mouth-opener. 115 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:34,160 So, say somebody had got lockjaw or there was some reason why they 116 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:37,840 couldn't open their mouth, it is an emergency way of opening the mouth. 117 00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:41,560 Can I advise that you use it as that before you use it as a butt plug? 118 00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:46,520 - Have you got number four there? - Yes. 119 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,200 OK. What do you think that might be? 120 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:50,640 Be very careful. I do not want you to hurt yourself. 121 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:54,400 I believe that is used for injuring panel show contestants. 122 00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:58,160 It's upside down right now. There you go. 123 00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:00,360 - It's upside down. - Incredibly heavy. 124 00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:03,160 It's all the straps, it feels like it's something to do with a horse. 125 00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:05,560 - It is exactly something to do with a horse. LIZA: - Thank God! 126 00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:08,240 - Yeah. It is an equine mouth-opener. ALAN: - Oh. 127 00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:10,880 It is used by vets to hold the horse's mouth open. 128 00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:13,520 Sometimes their teeth need rasping, because they get a sort of 129 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:16,040 sharp point with their teeth and it hurts them with the bit. 130 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:18,600 And so you need to open their mouth and just file it down. 131 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:20,120 So, dental work for horses. 132 00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:22,120 Yeah, so it's quite a... 133 00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:23,600 It is quite a sharp... 134 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:25,680 LAUGHTER 135 00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:30,040 Let's try the next one. Any thoughts about that? 136 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:33,000 - LIZA: - It's a piercing for something. What shape is it going into? 137 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:35,520 Ah, well that's to put a hole into your bottom 138 00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:37,440 if you don't already have one. 139 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:40,560 Do you know, it looks like a chipolata torturing device, 140 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:44,320 - is what it looks like. - Why would you want to torture a chipolata? 141 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:47,360 If you're, like, a militant vegan, or something, I don't know. 142 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:50,360 - Yeah, yeah. It isn't that. - This looks quite kitcheny. 143 00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:52,080 - It is kitcheny. - Is it for an egg? 144 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:54,400 No, it isn't. It is an oyster opener, an oyster shucker. 145 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:57,000 So, rather than inserting a knife, where you can actually hurt 146 00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:59,400 yourself, you do it with one of those. The other thing to do 147 00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:01,760 is go to a nice restaurant, and somebody will do it for you, 148 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,000 which I think is even easier. 149 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:06,720 On the food front, I have one of these which I... 150 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:09,240 - LIZA: - Oh, hello. - It seems slightly pointless. - Is it an egg? 151 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:12,520 It's an egg opener. Want to try it, anybody? 152 00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:14,520 - No, I'm fine, thank you. - Come on, I'll have a go. 153 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:16,320 OK, the boys will do this, there we go. 154 00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:18,680 - So you put it round the egg and squeeze it? - Yeah. 155 00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:21,160 Well, I think you have to squeeze and then twist it off, 156 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:22,960 like a sort of beheading. OK. 157 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:24,240 Is this going to be a trick egg? 158 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:25,960 No, darling, honestly, it's just boiled. 159 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:27,880 Give it a turn at the same time. EGGSHELL CRACKS 160 00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:28,920 There. 161 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:33,280 - Ah, that is good, it makes the egg look hideous. - Yeah. 162 00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:36,240 - I had to hold it... - A useful little tool. - Yeah. 163 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:38,480 I had to hold it so tight, I'm glad it was already... 164 00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:40,840 Cos the easiest way to do an egg, what you need to do is 165 00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:44,000 you need to break both ends, like that, and then you roll it... 166 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:46,960 - LIZA: - Ooh, hello. - ..like this and then the shell just comes off 167 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,920 unbelievably quickly. See? Like that. 168 00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:50,760 And you don't need... 169 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:01,680 I love eggs, they're great, aren't they? 170 00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:07,040 - They're very realistic-looking, those prop eggs, aren't they? - Yes. 171 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:11,720 - Very clever. - I don't think that egg was cooked recently, was it? 172 00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:20,600 So, that closes openers. And now, an odourless question. 173 00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,360 Where can you find the largest collection 174 00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:24,320 of things that don't smell? 175 00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:26,360 # ..pins. # 176 00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:28,280 - Matt? - Is it in the sea? 177 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:30,000 Oh, right. Why do you think that? 178 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,520 Because, I mean, there's salt, 179 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:35,280 but salt doesn't have a very strong smell. 180 00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:38,080 - No. And neither do fish, famously. - No. 181 00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:41,960 But I, what I am proposing... 182 00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,320 - Yes, yes? - ..and I'm clever, is... 183 00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:47,000 ..is that once you're under the water... 184 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:48,640 - Right? - ..you can't smell. 185 00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:51,680 Have you tried to smell under the water, anybody? 186 00:09:51,680 --> 00:09:53,520 That doesn't mean it doesn't smell. 187 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:57,080 Well, if a tree falls in the forest... 188 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:03,200 - ..and it doesn't smell... - No. - ..then...it... Yeah. 189 00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:08,400 - We are in the town where I was born. - Copenhagen? 190 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:10,680 Copenhagen, we're in wonderful, wonderful Copenhagen. 191 00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:13,320 What are the things that old statues might lose as they get 192 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:16,080 transported about, or over the years? What might they lose? 193 00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:17,560 - Fingers. - Private parts. 194 00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:19,920 OK, yes, I was going to, again, go higher, 195 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,320 but you've just gone with that side of the thing. 196 00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:24,240 Noses, they lose their noses, 197 00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:27,960 and, so, there is THE most glorious art museum in Copenhagen, 198 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,440 it's called the Ny Carlsberg Glyptotek 199 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:33,480 and it contains a Nasothek. It is a collection of noses. 200 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:35,600 In the 19th century, museums used to repair them, 201 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:38,160 so there used to be a collection of noses used to repair statues. 202 00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:40,280 This was a thing that we don't do any more 203 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:43,080 because now we think we should leave the statue exactly as it is. 204 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:45,800 Have we got any photos from the penis museum? 205 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:48,280 Yes, is the truth of it. 206 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,760 Lots of statues lost their penises - that is entirely true. 207 00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:54,040 - Right. - But that was on purpose, wasn't it? - Due to prudery, yeah. 208 00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:56,560 - Yeah, absolutely. - So about 80% of the male nude statues 209 00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:59,000 - in the Vatican Gardens are missing their members. - Oh, no, 210 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:00,800 cos I just thought I was average. 211 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:06,080 - Are you saying they've been taken off? - They've been taken off 212 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:07,640 and they say there's a secret room 213 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:10,560 in the Vatican that has all of them in it. 214 00:11:10,560 --> 00:11:12,840 - Sandi, I've listened to your explanation... - Yes. 215 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:14,920 ..and I'm still going with under the sea. 216 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:19,480 Well, that's fine, darling, you're just not going to win. So... 217 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:22,800 But, bizarrely, the Copenhagen Nasothek 218 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:25,400 is not the only false nose collection in Scandinavia. 219 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:28,120 There's a Nose Academy at Lund in Sweden 220 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:30,680 where you can find, supposedly, a plaster cast 221 00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:32,960 of the great botanist there Carl Linnaeus 222 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,280 and the cast of the legendary silver nose 223 00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:37,600 of the Danish astronomer Tycho Brahe. 224 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:39,440 There's also an unknown nose, 225 00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:42,400 which is a monument to the nose of the common man 226 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:45,200 who didn't qualify for nasal immortality. 227 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:48,920 - No-one NOSE. - Nobody NOSE, exactly. 228 00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:52,400 If your statue has no nose, it might be found in a museum in Copenhagen. 229 00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:55,000 So, here's a collection of odd-sounding O words 230 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:58,360 and I'd like you to pick one and use it in a sentence, please. 231 00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:00,280 A cum-spliff, what the f...? 232 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:03,320 LAUGHTER 233 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:06,880 - BAD DUTCH ACCENT: - "Oh, ja, a cum-spliff. 234 00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:08,600 LAUGHTER 235 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:12,760 - "Ja, cum-spliff, ja." - It doesn't take long, 236 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:16,280 - it doesn't take long at all. - "Oppenchops, cum-spliff." 237 00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:18,360 Are you doing, are you doing "oojah-cum-spliff?" 238 00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:20,360 - Yeah... - Is that your one? - Doing a cum-spliff. 239 00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:23,960 - What is your sentence, please, Alan? - "Oh, ja, a cum-spliff." 240 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,280 It's a... 241 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:29,320 It's a Dutchman having a joint in a brothel. 242 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:35,800 - Cum-spliff? - I don't want it, I don't want it. 243 00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:39,720 Get it away from me, man. 244 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,960 You'd be no fun in a brothel, would you? 245 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:46,840 "Oh, look at Rom, he doesn't want the cum-spliff, what a prude!" 246 00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:52,560 - Oojah-cum-spliff means all fine and dandy. - Yeah, I bet it does. 247 00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:56,760 - Earliest use found in PG Wodehouse. - I've got one. 248 00:12:56,760 --> 00:13:01,000 - Yeah, go on, then, Matt. - Tottenham had their best season for years, 249 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:03,480 they came first in the league... Ohnosecond. 250 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:07,400 Oh, very good. OK. Ohnosecond. So it's sort of right, actually, 251 00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:09,880 - cos in computing... - Well, it is right, they didn't win 252 00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:13,600 - anything at all. - No, in... - They've won nothing for years. 253 00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:16,040 - They're rubbish. - But actually, your definition for it 254 00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:18,280 is not too far off, because in computing what it is, 255 00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:20,800 it's the moment you realise you've made a mistake. 256 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,160 So it is a computing, you go, "Oh, no" second. 257 00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:25,880 - Oh, right. OK. - I don't think yours was too far off. 258 00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:29,680 - Come on, Liza, let's have one from you. - I'm drawn to "obsolagnium." 259 00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:34,640 OK. It's not a good word, it's waning sexual desire due to age. 260 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:38,600 And I was drawn to it. 261 00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:43,640 - ALAN: - You're surrounded by it at the moment. 262 00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:45,000 - LIZA: - It's a hell of a sandwich. 263 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,040 - ALAN: - When I change my little boy's nappy, 264 00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:50,520 it's full of ottomotty and oozle, absolutely... 265 00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:54,520 So, ottymotty, Lancastrian slang for being perplexed. 266 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:57,240 And oozle, it's Australian slang to move slowly. 267 00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:59,480 IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: Can I oozle along to the barbie? 268 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:01,800 - IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: - This guy's oozling a little bit. 269 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,440 Oppenchops, Lancastrian slang for a gossip. 270 00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:07,720 - Octodesexcentenary. - OK, that is probably the strangest, I think. 271 00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:11,360 It's the 100th anniversary of when your octopus's penis fell off. 272 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:15,400 It is...it is a really specific thing. 273 00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:17,880 It's something that lasts 592 years. 274 00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:21,160 It arose in connection with a particular calendar, the lunar solar 275 00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:24,600 calendar, devised by a 17th-century mathematician called Thomas Lydiat. 276 00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:26,840 - And he thought of the word? - And he thought of the word. 277 00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:31,680 - It is a very specific word for 592. - I'd have loved him. 278 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:33,280 Not with your waning sexual desire. 279 00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:37,960 Now, brace, brace, brace! 280 00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:48,920 I don't, I don't think that's funny. 281 00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,360 - I don't think that's funny. - That hit me on the nose. 282 00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:54,600 - That is awful. - Well, we know where we can get another one. 283 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:58,040 Fortunately, we can get oxygen for you and a new nose, you're absolutely right, Liza. 284 00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:00,280 I'll take you to Copenhagen, we'll sort your nose out. 285 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:03,560 So, my question is, what's in the canister 286 00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:05,840 on the other end of the pipe that you've got? 287 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:07,200 Oxygen? 288 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:10,560 - Oh, no. - He said it. - No, he said it. - You said it. 289 00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:14,720 - He said it. - Don't put the blame on me. - He said it, 100% he said it. 290 00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:17,560 I quite like hearing all of you as if you were quite a long way away. 291 00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:19,360 I've never seen you look better, Matt, 292 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:21,840 that's a really good look for you. I really like that. 293 00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:24,800 - Thank you very much. - It is not oxygen. - Not oxygen. 294 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:27,800 No, it's a mix of chemicals that make oxygen. 295 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:30,400 It's something called an oxygen candle. 296 00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:33,760 So, there's a very fine white powder, and a spark is generated 297 00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:37,160 and it sets off a chemical reaction which releases oxygen. 298 00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:40,400 But these canisters, there are oxides and they basically 299 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:43,280 take up a whole lot less room than a whole tank of oxygen. 300 00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:46,680 I think you both look absolutely fantastic! 301 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:49,320 Typically, an oxygen candle will last 20 minutes. 302 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:52,160 But it's enough time for the plane to get down to where you can 303 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,840 breathe the air. But in the early years of commercial flights, 304 00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:57,680 so before the pressurised cabin was invented, airline passengers 305 00:15:57,680 --> 00:16:00,400 sometimes did have to wear oxygen masks during the actual flight. 306 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:04,560 - That is a great image if you're nervous flyer, isn't it? - Yeah. 307 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:05,960 Sort of ferrying people 308 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:09,520 to the Hannibal Lecter auditions, aren't they? 309 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:11,600 Fighter pilots breathe a mixture of oxygen 310 00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:13,040 and air depending on the altitude. 311 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,520 Sometimes if they're really high, it's 100% oxygen is supplied 312 00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:17,200 and then in order to let that happen, 313 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:20,200 the pilot actually has to relax their diaphragm to allow the oxygen 314 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:22,800 to enter and then they have to forcibly expel the air 315 00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:25,400 and that means they can only talk while they're breathing in. 316 00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,720 And they have so much witty banter to get on with 317 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:30,080 - with the other pilots... - I know! - ..don't they? 318 00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:32,200 - Yes, saying, "I'm on his back." - Yeah, "12 o'clock." 319 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:35,360 - "I've got your arse." - I know, all of that. 320 00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:37,400 - LIZA: - Does it happen automatically for them? 321 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:38,920 They don't have to think about it? 322 00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:41,600 They have to be trained in order to make the diaphragm work properly. 323 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:43,840 - ALAN: - Do they wear nappies? Is that true? 324 00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:46,840 Well, they're called Mags, moisture absorption garments, 325 00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:50,400 the nappies that are worn by aircraft pilots and by space... 326 00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:53,440 ..space people? Astronauts, they're called. 327 00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:57,880 - Space people! - Space people. 328 00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:00,920 That's in America. Over here, we call them Huggies. 329 00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:05,320 Right, let's give a really hard pull on the pipe and it will... 330 00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:06,760 We can get rid of it, there we go. 331 00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:09,440 Wonderful. Now, from planes to trains. 332 00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:13,040 On which train did the Murder On The Orient Express take place? 333 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:14,600 The Orient Express. 334 00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:20,160 - You're a good sport, Alan. - You're a very good sport. - Thank you so much. 335 00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:22,720 Well, sometimes, you know, they go, yes, that's correct. 336 00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:25,040 - "Yes, that is correct." - But never when I say it. - No. 337 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:27,920 The murder took place on AN Orient Express, 338 00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:30,040 but not the one that you are thinking of. So... 339 00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:33,080 Well, no, we're thinking of the one that the murder took place on. 340 00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:34,600 Yeah, exactly, that's right. 341 00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:38,480 I'm sorry, I didn't know you lived inside my brain. 342 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:41,960 Well, there were several train services in the 1930s which 343 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,320 included the words "Orient Express" in the name. And... 344 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:47,200 Yeah, and those are the ones we were thinking of. 345 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:48,520 Well, what is the full name 346 00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:50,720 of the one where the murder took place, then? 347 00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:53,080 We were thinking of the one where it took place. 348 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:55,360 We don't have to say the name of it. 349 00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:59,920 We just... All of us demand the points. 350 00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:04,080 Sorry. There were lots of different Orient Expresses. 351 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:06,120 Agatha Christie's took place on the Simplon... 352 00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:09,960 Simplon Orient Express, yes. Yes. 353 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:14,960 - Yes. Named after? - It's Peter Express. - Mr Simplon. - I don't know. 354 00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:19,120 I thought you said Pizza Express. 355 00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:23,000 - No, Peter Express, the inventor of... - Lent his name to a train. 356 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,640 The Simplon Orient Express, named after the Alpine tunnel, 357 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:29,120 and that linked Calais and Paris and Istanbul every day. 358 00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:30,760 There is a different train service, 359 00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:32,800 commonly known as THE Orient Express, 360 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:36,520 and that only carried Paris/Istanbul cars three times a week. 361 00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:39,040 - I didn't even know that one existed. - Have you been on it? - No. 362 00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:41,040 Oh, it's the most marvellous experience. 363 00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:43,600 - It's absolutely fantastic. - Is it? - Yeah, it really is worth it. 364 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:46,440 It's eye-wateringly expensive, but you get a butler of your own. 365 00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:48,480 And I took my mother, it was for her birthday, 366 00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:50,040 and the butler came along and he said, 367 00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:53,800 "Good evening, madam, my name is Tybalt," and you just think, "Wow, 368 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,400 "it's... The guy from Romeo and Juliet is going to service me." 369 00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:02,320 Was there Wi-Fi or 3G on the Orient Express? 370 00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:05,280 - Because that for me is generally the... - No. 371 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:06,640 That's what they meant, 372 00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:09,680 there's no Wi-Fi, it is murder on the Orient Express. 373 00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:13,200 As you go to bad, there's a tiny hook by your bed 374 00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:15,400 and I said to Tybalt, "What is the hook for?" 375 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:18,160 He said, "That's for your pocket watch, madam." 376 00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:20,360 - Really? - A watch hook? - A watch hook. 377 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:23,200 - But there was an actual murder on the Orient Express. LIZA: - Was there? 378 00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:25,800 Yes, the actual Orient Express, not the Simplon one. 379 00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:29,040 So, 1935, a year after Agatha Christie's novel was published, 380 00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:31,000 there was a very wealthy Romanian woman 381 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,720 and she was robbed by a man she was sharing a compartment with 382 00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:35,480 and she was pushed through a window. 383 00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:37,760 And I love this, because it is very Agatha Christie, 384 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:40,560 the killer was traced thanks to a silver fox scarf 385 00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:42,520 that he had stolen from her. 386 00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:45,360 In 1920, a man staggered into a signal box 387 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,760 dressed only in his nightshirt and he claimed 388 00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:50,640 he was the French president Paul Deschanel 389 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:52,920 and that he had accidentally fallen from the train 390 00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:55,040 and of course they thought he was bonkers. 391 00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:57,840 So the signalman replied, "And I'm Napoleon Bonaparte." 392 00:19:57,840 --> 00:20:00,480 Anyway, it turned out he really was the President of France. 393 00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,720 In those days, the train's sleeping compartments, 394 00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:05,520 they had sash windows and he had taken some sleeping pills 395 00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:07,640 and he'd accidentally fallen out of the window. 396 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:09,400 Do you know the irony is, if they had Wi-Fi, 397 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:10,960 - could've just googled him. - Yeah. 398 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,400 - And he would've solved that straightaway. - You see? 399 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:14,680 - Yeah. - Think about that. 400 00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:16,800 But he was wonderfully eccentric. 401 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:19,160 He once received the British ambassador to France 402 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:21,800 completely naked except for his ceremonial decorations, 403 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:23,440 which I think is splendid. 404 00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:25,240 He was, eventually, institutionalised 405 00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:27,240 in a place for the mentally infirm. 406 00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:30,240 And still, and this is a measure of how relaxed the French are, 407 00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:31,920 re-elected to the Senate. 408 00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:40,640 The Orient Express was developed by a Belgian businessman 409 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:43,160 called George Nagelmackers. 410 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:46,640 Made its very first trip in 1883. 411 00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:49,920 The first menu on board - oysters, soup with Italian pasta, 412 00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:52,640 turbot with green sauce, chicken a la chasseur, 413 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:54,440 fillet of beef with chateau potatoes 414 00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:56,240 chaud-froid of game animals, lettuce, 415 00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:58,480 chocolate pudding and a buffet of desserts. 416 00:20:58,480 --> 00:21:01,080 And when I was on board, for breakfast we had lobster thermidor 417 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:02,520 and they'd laid all the cutlery out 418 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:04,920 and there was a little sort of strange flattened spoon 419 00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:06,400 and I said, "What's that for?" 420 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:09,440 "That is your lobster gravy spoon, madam." Wonderful. 421 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:11,680 - Lobster... - It's completely flat? - LIZA: - Why's it flat? 422 00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:14,600 It was so that you can scoop all the lobster gravy towards you. 423 00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:17,800 - A piece of bread would do that, wouldn't it? - Yeah. 424 00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:21,160 - You're absolutely right. I didn't rush out to buy one. - Yes. 425 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:24,200 - ALAN: - I imagine a lobster with a couple of spoons. 426 00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:27,520 "Where's my breakfast?" 427 00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:31,080 Here's the odd thing that I know about lobsters. 428 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,360 Did you know that lobsters are left and right clawed 429 00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:36,120 in the same percentage as human beings are left and right-handed? 430 00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:39,240 - Yeah. - Strange. Yeah? Sorry. OK. 431 00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:43,480 The Murder On The Orient Express took place on AN Orient Express, 432 00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:45,760 not THE Orient Express. 433 00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:49,280 So, still on Agatha Christie, naturally my next question is... 434 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:50,760 ..whodunnit? 435 00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:54,480 - The killer. - The killer dunnit. - Yes. - That's a given, I think, yeah. 436 00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:56,040 The murderer. 437 00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:58,680 - Anyone in the audience? - Butler. - Butler. - The butler. 438 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:02,240 Yeah. 439 00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:03,680 So, here's a spoiler alert, 440 00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:06,960 the butler did not do it in any of Agatha Christie's books. 441 00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:10,320 So, The Three Act Tragedy, the murderer appears to be the butler 442 00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:14,000 but it's actually somebody pretending to be a butler. 443 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,160 And Then There Were None, Rogers, the butler, and... 444 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:18,320 Hang on a minute, you're going to give them all away. 445 00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:19,840 Yeah, I'm sorry about that. 446 00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:23,160 Murder On The Orient Express, a valet is one of the 12 people 447 00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:26,760 who murder Samuel Ratchett, but a valet is not a butler. 448 00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:28,880 What's the difference between a valet and a butler? 449 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:30,040 A valet parks your car. 450 00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:34,000 - Yes. LIZA: - A gentleman's maid. 451 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:36,080 He's a gentleman's, sort of a gentleman's maid. 452 00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:39,360 - So he looks after the guy's appearance and everything. - A PA. 453 00:22:39,360 --> 00:22:41,800 Yeah. And a butler is the chief male servant in a household 454 00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:44,800 so he's in charge of the other employees and receiving guests 455 00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:46,040 and all that kind of thing. 456 00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:48,400 The butlers are in demand again, did you know this? 457 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,040 There's a huge demand for butlers, 458 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:52,520 especially in places like China and in Russia. 459 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:55,640 It's known as the Downton Abbey effect. 460 00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:57,240 Everybody wants their own Mr Carson. 461 00:22:57,240 --> 00:22:59,960 It takes ten weeks to train to be a butler at the international... 462 00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:02,440 - No, it takes a lifetime. - Yep. 463 00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:06,080 What task are they performing there? That's insane. 464 00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:08,400 Just put the glass on the tray, mate, common sense, 465 00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:10,160 do you know what I mean? 466 00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:11,800 That's Britain's Got Talent backstage. 467 00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:14,440 - LIZA: - This is just to make it look like they do something, isn't it? 468 00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:17,760 - ALAN: - Someone shouting, "Where is the glass? Where's the glass?" 469 00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:20,760 "I don't know, I don't know where the glass is!" 470 00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:24,480 It is a very old job, the word actually comes from 471 00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:26,280 the medieval Latin for a cask 472 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:28,360 so that's why a beer cellar in medieval times 473 00:23:28,360 --> 00:23:29,760 was known as the buttery. 474 00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:32,000 People sometimes think it's a place where you made food 475 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:34,880 but it wasn't at all, it was the place where the wooden casks were. 476 00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:37,800 They were in charge of all the bottles. Anyway... 477 00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:40,640 When it comes to Christie, the butler never did dunnit. 478 00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:41,960 Here's a list of organs. 479 00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:45,920 You all own one of them, but which is it? 480 00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:49,120 - Well, I would have thought a sperm stomach... - Yes? 481 00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:51,360 ..would have been for a whale. 482 00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:53,800 Oh, OK. It is for an animal. 483 00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:56,880 It is, strictly speaking, called a bursa copulatrix. 484 00:23:56,880 --> 00:23:59,160 It's not for a whale. Where might you find such a thing? 485 00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:01,880 It's tiny, a tiny little... Tiny. 486 00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:05,640 - So it's a bird? - No. - Then why were you doing that? 487 00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:06,760 - No, but it is... - Oh. 488 00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:09,600 But, no, in fairness, it is clearly an animal that flies... 489 00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:12,280 - A butterfly. - Yes. No, he got it. Butterfly. - Butterfly. 490 00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:15,320 - It is a butterfly. - Oh. Sandi did a mime that, what else could it be? 491 00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:18,880 - Seriously, was a butterfly. It's... - I thought it was a bunny waving. 492 00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:22,000 - It's their... No, that's that, that's a bunny waving. - Oh, yeah. 493 00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:24,120 This is clearly a butterfly. 494 00:24:24,120 --> 00:24:27,320 No, that's a bunny waving with its ears. I was using the paws. 495 00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:33,200 Do you know, sometimes I feel unwell on this programme? 496 00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:36,040 Well, you're the ones that invented bunnies that wave with their ears. 497 00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:37,920 You're right, I wasn't thinking it through. 498 00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:40,360 - That's a ridiculous thought. - No, exactly. - It's clearly... 499 00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:42,480 - That's that, isn't it? - Clearly. - And this is... 500 00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:44,760 I don't believe I'm doing this. 501 00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:47,160 It's the reproductive system for the butterfly, 502 00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:51,920 and it digests nutrients from the male's sperm package. 503 00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:54,560 I thought that was the name of the butterfly. 504 00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:59,280 All female butterflies will have a sperm stomach. 505 00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:01,680 - Right. - And they get nutrients out of the male sperm... 506 00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:02,800 I'm going to say package. 507 00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:05,160 But the bit at the bottom that says bursa copulatrix, 508 00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:06,840 that's actually the sperm stomach. 509 00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:09,680 Right, let's try some more. Let's see. 510 00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:11,560 So we're looking for the organ that we have. 511 00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:13,280 We do not have a sperm stomach. 512 00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:15,520 Have you got a smart vagina? 513 00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:17,320 I... It's terribly tidy. Um... 514 00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:21,800 I have a woman in twice a week. 515 00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:36,640 No, I do not, but some animals do. Grevy's zebra, for example. 516 00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:39,680 And they can co-ordinate the muscular contractions in order 517 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:44,120 to flush out semen if a male fails to live up to expectations. 518 00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,720 And here's the depressing thing for the boy - the sperm dumping 519 00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:54,280 can happen even before the underperforming male has dismounted. 520 00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:57,240 She just goes, "Boof, not having it. No." 521 00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:01,680 So, genetically, she knows that this guy isn't the best she could do? 522 00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:04,000 - That's exactly right, she has decided. - So, regarding 523 00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:06,520 - babies and stuff? - Yeah, he's not the best gene pool. - Yeah. 524 00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:09,120 Better to do that than shake him off. 525 00:26:09,120 --> 00:26:11,840 - You don't want to cause trouble, do you? - Don't want to make a scene. 526 00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:14,200 - No. - You might then put off the other zebras. They'll think, 527 00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:16,880 - "Well, she looks tricky. She's just thrown him over a fence." - Yes. 528 00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:19,080 "I'll tell you what, mate, I wouldn't bother with her, 529 00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:21,240 "she's got one of them new-fangled smart vaginas." 530 00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:27,200 - So, that's probably got Wi-Fi, too, hasn't it? - Yeah, I would say. 531 00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:33,800 And are the zebras' sperms stripy? 532 00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:38,160 Yes. 533 00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:41,520 They look like little humbugs. 534 00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:45,040 So, we're still looking for the thing that we have. 535 00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:47,440 We don't have a sperm stomach, we don't have a smart vagina. 536 00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:50,560 - What might we have? One of those. - Have we got a mesentery? 537 00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:52,080 - A mesentery? - We absolutely do, 538 00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:57,160 that is the very thing that we were looking for. We do have a mesentery. 539 00:26:57,160 --> 00:26:59,560 And it, basically, it's a fairly recent thing, 540 00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:01,720 it connects the intestine to the stomach, 541 00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:04,360 and we did not know that it was actually an organ in its own right. 542 00:27:04,360 --> 00:27:06,880 So there's a chap called Professor J Calvin Coffey, 543 00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:08,600 from the University of Limerick. 544 00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:12,360 And he says, "Without it, you can't live. There are no reported 545 00:27:12,360 --> 00:27:16,320 "incidents of a Homo sapiens living without a mesentery." 546 00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:19,480 And nobody entirely knows what it does. 547 00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:21,640 "We've established anatomy and structure 548 00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:23,320 "and the next step is function." 549 00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:26,960 Intriguingly, one of the earliest descriptions of its structure 550 00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:30,840 was by Leonardo da Vinci, so we've been aware of its existence 551 00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:32,200 for an incredibly long time. 552 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:35,440 Let's have a quick look at the other ones. Paddywhack, anybody? 553 00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:37,080 Well, it makes me think of a dog chew. 554 00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:39,880 - That is exactly right. Give the dog a bone, right? - Yeah. - Yeah. 555 00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:42,960 So, dried paddywhack is sometimes sold as a dog treat, 556 00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:45,080 which is where we get the saying from. 557 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,160 Is it something from a pig, then? 558 00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:50,840 It's the load-bearing ligament in the neck of sheep or cattle. 559 00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:52,920 It connects the head to the spine. 560 00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:55,320 And the other two that we didn't have a look at - 561 00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:57,640 the schnauzerorgan, found on an elephantnose fish. 562 00:27:57,640 --> 00:28:01,840 And it looks like a nose - it is actually an extended chin, 563 00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:04,360 covered in sensors that can detect electric fields. 564 00:28:04,360 --> 00:28:05,800 And the organ is so sensitive 565 00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:08,200 that the fish can tell the difference 566 00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:10,560 between living and dead bugs buried under the sea floor. 567 00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:14,040 And the other one, mental glands, it's a pheromone delivery system 568 00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:16,400 found in the male salamander's chin. 569 00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:19,560 As part of the courtship, the male sprays his scent 570 00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:21,800 right into the female's nostrils 571 00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:25,360 and then he deposits a pack of sperm on the ground. 572 00:28:25,360 --> 00:28:28,160 And if the female detects his scent with her mental glands, 573 00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:31,320 and she wants to mate, then she'll pick it up. So she picks it up. 574 00:28:31,320 --> 00:28:34,120 - Oh, that's nice. - Yes, it's rather sweet. - That's like a sort of 575 00:28:34,120 --> 00:28:38,120 - Edwardian courtship, isn't it? - Yes. Yes. "Madam, my sperm." - Yes. 576 00:28:39,160 --> 00:28:41,600 Does she then put it in her own vagina? 577 00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:43,880 I think she sorts herself out at that point. 578 00:28:47,480 --> 00:28:49,240 - With a lobster spoon! - Yes. 579 00:28:49,240 --> 00:28:51,240 She uses a lobster gravy spoon... 580 00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:55,240 Then a lobster comes in... 581 00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:56,960 "Do you want any help with that? 582 00:28:56,960 --> 00:28:59,280 "Cos I've got a couple of these spoons." 583 00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:02,760 You could hear them talk if they would come out of the sea, 584 00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:04,120 but they stay down there. 585 00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:08,280 They stay down there because it's not smelly, is that right, Matt? 586 00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:12,040 I don't know where you heard that from, that's... 587 00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:13,840 Can anybody define an organ? 588 00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:18,280 Body part that has a function? 589 00:29:18,280 --> 00:29:20,080 You know what, that's sort of it. 590 00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:21,760 The governing body for anatomy, 591 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:23,560 the Federative International Programme 592 00:29:23,560 --> 00:29:27,160 for Anatomical Terminology, does not define an organ. 593 00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:29,480 The best definition that we currently have 594 00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:31,080 is from a science historian at 595 00:29:31,080 --> 00:29:34,000 the University of Wisconsin-Madison, Tom Broman, who said, 596 00:29:34,000 --> 00:29:36,760 "Any solid thing in the body that does something." 597 00:29:38,480 --> 00:29:40,800 Now, what animals begin with O 598 00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:44,760 and are rescued more often by the Fire Brigade than cats? 599 00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:46,320 - # ..pins. # - Yes, Matt? 600 00:29:46,320 --> 00:29:49,200 Is it ostriches? Because they keep burying their... 601 00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:50,560 KLAXON 602 00:29:50,560 --> 00:29:53,880 ..burying their heads... burying their heads in the sand. 603 00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:55,880 - And they... - So, two things are wrong with that. 604 00:29:55,880 --> 00:29:58,560 - Right. - One is they don't bury their heads in the sand, that is a... 605 00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:02,520 - Well, I...I...I am not wrong. - No. 606 00:30:02,520 --> 00:30:06,520 - Yes? - I think it is an opossum. 607 00:30:06,520 --> 00:30:07,720 Oh! 608 00:30:09,880 --> 00:30:13,280 - The audience said owls, did we hear them? - Owls, did we have owls? 609 00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:16,080 You lose points! 610 00:30:17,120 --> 00:30:19,200 Is it ocelot? 611 00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:20,720 No. 612 00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:24,560 - Is it the...? Is it...? Let's try this one on them. - Yeah. 613 00:30:24,560 --> 00:30:28,560 Is it the four-legged onion? Ah-ha! You didn't get in there, did you? 614 00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:30,120 Ah-ha! 615 00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:32,600 - No, it is not the four-legged onion. - Right, OK. 616 00:30:32,600 --> 00:30:34,600 - It's a human animal, it's an obese person. - Oh! 617 00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:37,120 - They now rescue... - Oh, an obese person. 618 00:30:37,120 --> 00:30:39,520 - Yeah. - But they're still, hold on, they are still people. 619 00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:42,920 "Once they get to a certain weight, they're no longer human, 620 00:30:42,920 --> 00:30:44,560 "as far as we're concerned." 621 00:30:44,560 --> 00:30:48,560 But we're all part of the animal kingdom. It is obese people. 622 00:30:48,560 --> 00:30:52,520 There were more than 900 such cases from January to September in 2016. 623 00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:55,240 Up from around 30 cases ten years ago. 624 00:30:55,240 --> 00:30:57,800 Well done for getting up the trees, though. 625 00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:03,960 - No, it's people not being able to leave their home. - Suddenly you go, 626 00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:07,480 - "There's one." - I just saw there were loads of apples. 627 00:31:07,480 --> 00:31:09,280 "There's one." 628 00:31:09,280 --> 00:31:11,320 "How did you get up there?" 629 00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:14,960 "Trampoline, it was a trampoline. 630 00:31:16,280 --> 00:31:18,240 "But they've moved it now. 631 00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:21,640 "Now it looks like a miracle, but it was a trampolining incident." 632 00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:24,680 A man in Porthcawl, who weighed 38st, 633 00:31:24,680 --> 00:31:27,080 and they were trying to get him out of the third floor, 634 00:31:27,080 --> 00:31:30,520 and a Sea King helicopter was scrambled from 635 00:31:30,520 --> 00:31:33,880 RAF Chivenor in Devon, so he could be winched from a skylight. 636 00:31:33,880 --> 00:31:36,240 I think the most famous, possibly, an American man called 637 00:31:36,240 --> 00:31:39,040 Walter Hudson, he was rescued by the American Fire Department, 638 00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:42,520 1987, after he got wedged in his bathroom door. 639 00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:46,680 It is estimated that he weighed 1,400lb, but it's only 640 00:31:46,680 --> 00:31:50,080 an estimate because the industrial scale that he was being weighed on 641 00:31:50,080 --> 00:31:53,320 broke after 1,000lb, so we don't know exactly. 642 00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:57,040 - Hold on, that's 100st. - Yes. Yes. 1,400lbs. 643 00:31:57,040 --> 00:31:59,960 - Oh, that, yeah, that's 100st, yeah. - It's 100st, yeah. 644 00:31:59,960 --> 00:32:02,920 That's like...that's like 100st! 645 00:32:04,280 --> 00:32:07,480 He held the Guinness World Record for the world's largest waist. 646 00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:10,640 If you hold that end, and you hold that. 647 00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:12,560 That would have been the size of his belt. 648 00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:15,320 I've got a description of his average daily diet. 649 00:32:15,320 --> 00:32:18,080 Two boxes of sausages, 1 lb of bacon, 12 eggs, 650 00:32:18,080 --> 00:32:20,840 a loaf of bread, four hamburgers, four double cheeseburgers, 651 00:32:20,840 --> 00:32:23,680 five large portions of fries, three ham steaks or two chickens, 652 00:32:23,680 --> 00:32:25,680 four baked potatoes, four sweet potatoes, 653 00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:28,960 most of a large cake, and additional snacks. 654 00:32:30,240 --> 00:32:33,040 And an average of 6.5 litres of soda every single day. 655 00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:35,200 Well, at least he didn't finish the cake. 656 00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:39,880 - It's good to look on the bright side of things. - Yeah. 657 00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:41,720 What do we think is the fattest animal in the world? 658 00:32:41,720 --> 00:32:45,080 Why did you look at me when you asked that question? 659 00:32:45,080 --> 00:32:48,440 Are you talking about body fat percentage, or actual amount of fat? 660 00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:50,280 Yeah, body fat percentage. 661 00:32:50,280 --> 00:32:51,040 Oh, is that the... 662 00:32:51,040 --> 00:32:53,480 Oh, that could be a tortoise, because they hibernate, that's it. 663 00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:55,160 Yeah, but they don't hibernate, it turns out. 664 00:32:55,160 --> 00:32:55,560 Don't they? 665 00:32:55,560 --> 00:32:57,640 So, for years, people were putting them in boxes 666 00:32:57,640 --> 00:32:59,480 and putting them in the cupboard under the stairs, 667 00:32:59,480 --> 00:33:01,720 and they were just in solitary confinement. 668 00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:09,200 No? It's called an army cutworm moth. 669 00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:10,840 And they can achieve 72% body fat, 670 00:33:10,840 --> 00:33:14,560 it makes them the fattest animals on Earth. 671 00:33:14,560 --> 00:33:16,160 And they live in Yellowstone National Park, 672 00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:17,600 so it's not always cold there, 673 00:33:17,600 --> 00:33:20,760 but they do get themselves ready for the winter, storing up the body fat, 674 00:33:20,760 --> 00:33:22,040 and then the bears eat them. 675 00:33:22,040 --> 00:33:25,160 What, the bears eat them while they're hibernating? 676 00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:27,160 They gorge on them just before winter sets in. 677 00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:30,480 So, one bear can eat up to 40,000 moths in a day. 678 00:33:30,480 --> 00:33:32,360 So, each moth is about an inch or two inches long, 679 00:33:32,360 --> 00:33:34,480 and each one is about half a calorie. 680 00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:36,760 That would be a much more sinister John Lewis Christmas ad, 681 00:33:36,760 --> 00:33:37,320 wouldn't it - 682 00:33:37,320 --> 00:33:40,280 just a bear feasting on tubby moths, do you know what I mean? 683 00:33:41,360 --> 00:33:43,120 Thousands of them. 684 00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:45,800 They eat lots and lots of nectar from wild flowers. 685 00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:47,720 They are known as miller moths, that's their nickname, 686 00:33:47,720 --> 00:33:50,080 because the fine scales on its wings, it rubs off easily, 687 00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:53,960 it reminds people of the dusty flour covering on a miller. 688 00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:56,560 But you can see them in the Yellowstone National Park. 689 00:33:56,560 --> 00:33:58,360 "Yes, Boo-Boo!" Um... 690 00:33:58,360 --> 00:34:00,400 "Huh-huh-hey-y-y, Boo-Boo!" 691 00:34:00,400 --> 00:34:03,960 I always thought Yogi and Boo-Boo were a right pair of pricks. 692 00:34:03,960 --> 00:34:05,680 Like, do you know what I mean? 693 00:34:05,680 --> 00:34:08,720 They're supposed to be the heroes - they're just little thieves. 694 00:34:08,720 --> 00:34:11,440 Just going round robbing, then we're supposed to support them. 695 00:34:11,440 --> 00:34:12,880 You're out of order! 696 00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:14,920 A lot of American humour is about that - 697 00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:16,960 shucksters and shysters and idle thieves. 698 00:34:16,960 --> 00:34:18,520 They all like it. 699 00:34:18,520 --> 00:34:21,000 They kind of revere that person who doesn't get a proper job, 700 00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:23,240 but gets by. They love a criminal! 701 00:34:23,240 --> 00:34:25,440 - They voted one in, didn't they? - Yes! 702 00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:27,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 703 00:34:27,280 --> 00:34:30,520 Yeah! Yeah! 704 00:34:30,520 --> 00:34:31,920 Yeah! 705 00:34:31,920 --> 00:34:34,480 I done a political, yeah! 706 00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:39,360 Yeah, I'm a political satirist now! Yeah! 707 00:34:39,360 --> 00:34:42,280 I'm going to just stay here until it's Newsnight. 708 00:34:44,400 --> 00:34:46,440 Um, where did we get to? 709 00:34:46,440 --> 00:34:48,200 Um, picnic baskets. Um... 710 00:34:48,200 --> 00:34:50,160 AS YOGI BEAR: "Pic-a-nic basket?" 711 00:34:50,160 --> 00:34:52,080 Thief! 712 00:34:53,560 --> 00:34:57,360 In the first episode, someone could have just come and shot them. 713 00:34:57,360 --> 00:35:00,480 "Boo-Boo? It's getting dark! 714 00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:02,600 "I'm losing blood, Boo-Boo!" 715 00:35:04,240 --> 00:35:06,760 "Don't go to sleep, Yogi! Don't go to sleep!" 716 00:35:06,760 --> 00:35:09,400 "I don't think I'm going to make it, Boo-Boo! 717 00:35:09,400 --> 00:35:12,680 "I can see a great big pic-a-nic basket in the sky, Boo-Boo!" 718 00:35:14,200 --> 00:35:16,640 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 719 00:35:18,720 --> 00:35:21,360 - Well... - Then, next week - funeral. 720 00:35:22,840 --> 00:35:26,040 I wish you two were in charge of Children's BBC. 721 00:35:26,040 --> 00:35:29,360 Now we crash through the floorboards and land in the mess of plaster 722 00:35:29,360 --> 00:35:31,640 and insulation that is General Ignorance. 723 00:35:31,640 --> 00:35:33,160 Fingers on buzzers, please. 724 00:35:33,160 --> 00:35:36,720 Where are your fattest fat cells? 725 00:35:36,720 --> 00:35:40,840 Well, I suppose you want us to say on your stomach? 726 00:35:40,840 --> 00:35:43,000 - Yes, and you'd be right. - Yes, of course. 727 00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:45,640 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 728 00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:49,760 - See? - So you're absolutely right. 729 00:35:49,760 --> 00:35:53,440 As people get obese, what happens is the fat cells in our midriff, 730 00:35:53,440 --> 00:35:56,400 they don't proliferate, they just get fatter. 731 00:35:56,400 --> 00:35:59,520 So, the fat cells in our thighs can multiply, 732 00:35:59,520 --> 00:36:02,720 but the ones that we have round our midriff, they just get fatter. 733 00:36:02,720 --> 00:36:05,000 Now, you don't really want to have belly fat, because what we now 734 00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:08,080 know about it is that it's actually biologically active, belly fat. 735 00:36:08,080 --> 00:36:10,840 It is releasing hormones into your system, 736 00:36:10,840 --> 00:36:13,440 and that could increase your risk of heart disease and so on. 737 00:36:13,440 --> 00:36:15,320 So you don't want to get more of them, 738 00:36:15,320 --> 00:36:17,480 because they're incredibly bad for you. 739 00:36:17,480 --> 00:36:20,560 So, they did a study, the NHS, 91% of mothers 740 00:36:20,560 --> 00:36:22,640 and 80% of fathers of overweight children 741 00:36:22,640 --> 00:36:25,200 mistakenly think that their children are a healthy weight. 742 00:36:25,200 --> 00:36:27,600 Well, I'm the exception, because all my mum does is say, 743 00:36:27,600 --> 00:36:30,440 "Well, you need to shift some of that." She says it to me a lot. 744 00:36:30,440 --> 00:36:33,720 - Does she? - And then she just keeps trying to make me eat more food. 745 00:36:33,720 --> 00:36:37,600 - Is she a feeder? - Yeah, she puts the food down and she goes, 746 00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:39,680 "Right, there's more chicken, I've got more peas, 747 00:36:39,680 --> 00:36:41,760 "I've got more potatoes, I've got more..." 748 00:36:41,760 --> 00:36:44,440 She's just like that, even before I've had the first lot, 749 00:36:44,440 --> 00:36:47,400 then at the end, she goes, "Mmm, what are we going to do about that?" 750 00:36:47,400 --> 00:36:50,560 So, I'll say, "Well, I won't come here again." No! 751 00:36:50,560 --> 00:36:53,480 My mum used to give me so much food when I was going to school, 752 00:36:53,480 --> 00:36:57,080 like, she'd give me, like, jam sandwiches, not for lunch, 753 00:36:57,080 --> 00:36:58,840 - for break time, right. - Right. 754 00:36:58,840 --> 00:37:03,240 And the school became concerned and phoned my mum and said, 755 00:37:03,240 --> 00:37:05,960 "Look, we're a bit worried about it." And you know what she did? 756 00:37:05,960 --> 00:37:08,880 She told me to hide when I was eating my jam sandwiches. 757 00:37:12,720 --> 00:37:15,800 - That's good parenting. - Yeah. - That is really good parenting. 758 00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:19,120 From the fattest to the flattest. 759 00:37:19,120 --> 00:37:22,320 What's the most featureless place on Earth? 760 00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:25,120 - Well, hmm. - So where were you when you talked about things 761 00:37:25,120 --> 00:37:28,080 that don't smell? Where did you go when you talked about... 762 00:37:28,080 --> 00:37:30,320 - # Under the sea. # - So, that is where we're going to go, 763 00:37:30,320 --> 00:37:31,720 we're going to go under the sea. 764 00:37:31,720 --> 00:37:35,880 It is something called the abyssal plains. And it's undersea areas 765 00:37:35,880 --> 00:37:38,160 of sediment, and their slopes can be really shallow, 766 00:37:38,160 --> 00:37:40,680 I mean, unbelievably shallow, like one foot per thousand. 767 00:37:40,680 --> 00:37:43,400 And what happens is the sediments wash off the land, 768 00:37:43,400 --> 00:37:47,120 and over time they spread out to form a smooth and level surface. 769 00:37:47,120 --> 00:37:49,160 And it's home to the world's deepest fish, 770 00:37:49,160 --> 00:37:50,960 that you get right down at the bottom there. 771 00:37:50,960 --> 00:37:52,720 Are those the really freaky...? Oh, yeah. 772 00:37:52,720 --> 00:37:55,240 - Oh, yeah. Now you're talking. - Yeah. - Oh, mate. 773 00:37:55,240 --> 00:37:57,160 I mean, these are angler fish you can see there. 774 00:37:57,160 --> 00:37:59,880 - I think they are astonishing. - God, that one in the middle 775 00:37:59,880 --> 00:38:02,000 - just looking through your window. - And we're there. 776 00:38:02,000 --> 00:38:04,040 And they're really deep, so you can really, 777 00:38:04,040 --> 00:38:06,760 like, talk to them about, like, real issues. 778 00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:09,800 The deepest fish ever seen was in the Mariana Trench, 779 00:38:09,800 --> 00:38:11,800 which is of course the deepest part of the ocean. 780 00:38:11,800 --> 00:38:14,840 There are some pictures of them, but nobody's been able to catch one, 781 00:38:14,840 --> 00:38:16,400 because they are just so deep down. 782 00:38:16,400 --> 00:38:18,800 We THINK it looks a bit like a snailfish, 783 00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:21,240 but the people who have actually seen them 784 00:38:21,240 --> 00:38:22,880 say it is really weird looking. 785 00:38:22,880 --> 00:38:25,320 There's a team that found it at the University of Aberdeen, 786 00:38:25,320 --> 00:38:27,640 and Alan Jamieson said, "It's unbelievably fragile, 787 00:38:27,640 --> 00:38:29,320 "and when it swims, it looks like 788 00:38:29,320 --> 00:38:31,200 "it has wet tissue paper floating behind it. 789 00:38:31,200 --> 00:38:33,560 "It has a weird snout, like a sort of cartoon dog snout." 790 00:38:33,560 --> 00:38:36,240 - So, it might look a bit like that. - Do you reckon it went that deep 791 00:38:36,240 --> 00:38:38,160 - because the other fish were bullying it? - Yeah. 792 00:38:38,160 --> 00:38:39,600 They were like, 793 00:38:39,600 --> 00:38:42,800 "Look, you've got tissue paper hanging out your arse, mate." 794 00:38:42,800 --> 00:38:46,960 Have a quick look at this, which is my favourite fact about the Pacific. 795 00:38:46,960 --> 00:38:49,640 So, I've got my globe here, 796 00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:53,200 so you can see how large the Pacific is, it covers this enormous area. 797 00:38:53,200 --> 00:38:55,200 There is a point in the Pacific where, 798 00:38:55,200 --> 00:38:57,520 if you drilled down through the centre of the Earth, 799 00:38:57,520 --> 00:39:00,760 so that is off the coast of Vietnam near Hai Phong, and you came back 800 00:39:00,760 --> 00:39:04,840 out exactly on the other side, you would still arrive in the Pacific, 801 00:39:04,840 --> 00:39:07,800 you'd be off the coast of South America at the Chile-Peru border. 802 00:39:07,800 --> 00:39:10,240 That just gives you some idea, that is exactly halfway, 803 00:39:10,240 --> 00:39:12,680 right through the whole planet, that the Pacific is that big. 804 00:39:12,680 --> 00:39:14,760 Oh, I love it. I love it when a fact is pointed out to you 805 00:39:14,760 --> 00:39:16,800 and you don't have to have this whole mass of stuff. 806 00:39:16,800 --> 00:39:19,480 - But this is rather fine, isn't it? - Yeah. - Rather an astonishing one. 807 00:39:19,480 --> 00:39:21,720 Well, no, I don't think it is, I think you're going to get 808 00:39:21,720 --> 00:39:24,440 very little for that on eBay, because you've completely ruined it. 809 00:39:25,480 --> 00:39:28,360 The most featureless place on Earth is underwater. 810 00:39:28,360 --> 00:39:31,720 Who invented this and what does it say? 811 00:39:31,720 --> 00:39:34,760 PATTERN OF BEEPS 812 00:39:37,840 --> 00:39:40,560 I'm going to have to say Morse, aren't I? 813 00:39:40,560 --> 00:39:43,000 Yeah, you are going to have to say Morse, I think. 814 00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:44,080 Get it out of the way. 815 00:39:44,080 --> 00:39:46,840 It's probably the most famous Morse code signal ever sent. 816 00:39:46,840 --> 00:39:50,240 SOS? Is it three dots and three dashes? 817 00:39:50,240 --> 00:39:52,360 No. It's CQD that is being sent, 818 00:39:52,360 --> 00:39:55,480 it's the Marconi distress message that was sent from the Titanic. 819 00:39:55,480 --> 00:39:57,600 People now say it means "Come quick drowning," 820 00:39:57,600 --> 00:39:59,320 but that's what you call a backronym. 821 00:39:59,320 --> 00:40:01,200 In fact, CQ was for the French "securite" 822 00:40:01,200 --> 00:40:03,840 and then Marconi added the D for Distress. 823 00:40:03,840 --> 00:40:06,920 And so, "We have a distressing security issue." 824 00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:11,680 But the issue about Morse code is that it isn't really a code 825 00:40:11,680 --> 00:40:14,640 and that Morse didn't really invent it. It involved transmitting 826 00:40:14,640 --> 00:40:17,760 numbers, Morse code, which you then looked up in a special dictionary 827 00:40:17,760 --> 00:40:19,360 to see what word they represented. 828 00:40:19,360 --> 00:40:22,400 And it was Morse's colleague, this man here, Alfred Vail, 829 00:40:22,400 --> 00:40:23,920 who came up with the idea of using 830 00:40:23,920 --> 00:40:26,280 letters and assigning dots and dashes to each one. 831 00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:28,680 So, probably, Morse code should be called Vail's code. 832 00:40:28,680 --> 00:40:31,000 But, actually, it should be Vail's cipher. 833 00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:34,120 So, we had a letter from a QI viewer, Phil Boyd, 834 00:40:34,120 --> 00:40:37,440 and he pointed out that a code replaces whole words with symbols 835 00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:40,360 and a cipher replaces individual letters. 836 00:40:40,360 --> 00:40:44,480 So, strictly speaking, Morse code ought to be called Vail's cipher. 837 00:40:44,480 --> 00:40:47,600 What I like about Morse code - it has been used for naughtiness. 838 00:40:47,600 --> 00:40:50,920 In January 1945, the people of Halifax, Nova Scotia complained 839 00:40:50,920 --> 00:40:54,280 to police that people were using their car horns to communicate 840 00:40:54,280 --> 00:40:57,720 "vile and filthy language" in Morse code. 841 00:40:57,720 --> 00:41:00,360 And there was a report in the Ottawa Journal 842 00:41:00,360 --> 00:41:02,720 saying that, "Police are brushing up on their Morse code 843 00:41:02,720 --> 00:41:07,160 "in preparation for a campaign against these swearing motorists." 844 00:41:07,160 --> 00:41:11,240 So, Morse code should really be Vail's cipher. 845 00:41:11,240 --> 00:41:15,000 How many moons did the Earth have? 846 00:41:16,520 --> 00:41:18,560 AUDIENCE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY 847 00:41:21,160 --> 00:41:24,760 So, we've covered how many moons Earth has many times on QI. 848 00:41:24,760 --> 00:41:26,200 We're looking at the past here. 849 00:41:26,200 --> 00:41:27,400 Ten. 850 00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:33,760 - Yes? - None. 851 00:41:37,960 --> 00:41:41,280 There is new research which suggests that our current moon is 852 00:41:41,280 --> 00:41:43,560 the result of about 20 separate moons that have 853 00:41:43,560 --> 00:41:45,920 coalesced into one over millions of years. 854 00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:49,440 So, since the moon and the Earth are made of rather similar materials, 855 00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:51,160 it is thought that the moon formed 856 00:41:51,160 --> 00:41:54,280 when an object hit the Earth and it sent debris up into space. 857 00:41:54,280 --> 00:41:56,480 And they've run thousands of simulations 858 00:41:56,480 --> 00:41:59,720 and they concluded there were lots of moons, at least 20, 859 00:41:59,720 --> 00:42:02,680 each one formed from a different collision. 860 00:42:02,680 --> 00:42:04,920 So it is possible that we originally had 20 moons. 861 00:42:04,920 --> 00:42:07,000 So, where have all the moons gone, then? 862 00:42:07,000 --> 00:42:09,840 - They've coalesced into one, so... - Oh, they're all one big moon. 863 00:42:09,840 --> 00:42:11,480 They've been drawn together, yeah. 864 00:42:11,480 --> 00:42:15,920 The Earth had 20 moons, but now has only approximately one. 865 00:42:15,920 --> 00:42:18,120 All of which shines a silvery light on to the darkness 866 00:42:18,120 --> 00:42:22,480 which is the scores. Oh, this is tragic. 867 00:42:23,960 --> 00:42:26,680 In last place, with -52, Alan. 868 00:42:26,680 --> 00:42:27,960 Thank you so much. 869 00:42:30,840 --> 00:42:37,000 - Also a quite phenomenal -36, Liza. - Hey! Get in! 870 00:42:38,080 --> 00:42:39,880 And -29, Romesh! 871 00:42:44,200 --> 00:42:47,520 You've done it, Matt, you've done it, with a magnificent -7, 872 00:42:47,520 --> 00:42:50,200 - you are the winner. - Hurrah! 873 00:42:54,920 --> 00:42:58,800 So, Matt takes home our objectionable object of the week, 874 00:42:58,800 --> 00:43:01,680 and it's this weird device for holding a horse's mouth open 875 00:43:01,680 --> 00:43:03,160 while you fix its teeth. 876 00:43:03,160 --> 00:43:05,280 There you are Matt, that's for you. Wow, it's heavy. 877 00:43:05,280 --> 00:43:09,280 - Wow, thanks very much. - You're most welcome. - Wow, thank you. 878 00:43:09,280 --> 00:43:13,200 It only remains for me to thank Liza, Matt, Romesh and Alan. 879 00:43:13,200 --> 00:43:14,920 And I leave you with this, 880 00:43:14,920 --> 00:43:18,520 from a Randy Scandi Norwegian Nobel Prize winner, Knut Hamsun. 881 00:43:18,520 --> 00:43:21,280 When returning from his first trip to Paris, a friend asked, 882 00:43:21,280 --> 00:43:23,920 "At the beginning, didn't you have trouble with your French?" 883 00:43:23,920 --> 00:43:26,480 "No," replied Hamsun, "but the French did." 884 00:43:26,480 --> 00:43:28,600 Merci bien, et bonne nuit. 885 00:43:28,600 --> 00:43:31,800 APPLAUSE