1 00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:30,480 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:35,320 Hello! 3 00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:40,080 And welcome, welcome to QI, 4 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:42,280 where the weather outside is frightful, 5 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:44,280 but the fire is so delightful. 6 00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:46,200 I am of course your angelic host, 7 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:49,280 and gathered around my blazing saddles this Christmas night, 8 00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:51,880 we have a sprig of Holly Walsh... 9 00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:58,440 ..Jason three wise Manford... 10 00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:04,840 ..Romesh the red-nosed Ranganathan... 11 00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:12,200 ..and yonder peasant, who is he? 12 00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:14,640 Alan Davies. 13 00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:21,200 Holly goes... 14 00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:26,120 - CHOIR: - # O little town of Bethlehem... # 15 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:28,360 Aww, that's nice. Jason goes... 16 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:33,720 - CHOIR: - # O come all ye faithful... # 17 00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:35,880 It's the O series, do you see? "O." 18 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:37,200 Romesh goes... 19 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:42,640 - CHOIR: - # O Christmas tree O Christmas tree... # 20 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:44,080 LAUGHTER 21 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,840 Some people are never happy. And Alan goes... 22 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:54,320 # Grandma got run over by a reindeer... # 23 00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:58,440 Right, let's get off and running. 24 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:02,760 Where do the Christmas celebrations always end up in a fist fight? 25 00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:03,840 My house. 26 00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:05,600 KLAXON BLARES 27 00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:09,800 Is it a fighting household, darling? 28 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:11,520 Erm... It's the only day of the year 29 00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:15,480 where you can start drinking at breakfast, isn't it? 30 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:18,200 - Like... - Unless you're from Denmark, in which case, hey, whenever. 31 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:20,320 Any other time of the year there's an intervention, 32 00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:22,440 - but Christmas Day you're like, "Ah, come on!" - Yeah. 33 00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:24,520 "Let's have a bit of Bailey's on your cornflakes." 34 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:27,000 See, it's funny, cos the Danes don't really have a tradition 35 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:28,640 of that kind of fighting at Christmas. 36 00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:30,600 What we do is, we do silent resentment. 37 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:33,800 - Oh, that's good. - It's much more Nordic. 38 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,200 My brother and I are both married to white women, 39 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:38,640 and at Christmas my mum will invite us all round, 40 00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:42,560 and then she'll do two dinners, like a roast and a curry. 41 00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:43,680 And then it just looks like 42 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:45,960 we're encouraging racial segregation at Christmas. 43 00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:49,280 Well, I'm going to find out if that's true, 44 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:51,320 cos your mum's here in the audience. Shanthi. 45 00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:53,280 Hello, welcome to the show. 46 00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:54,440 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 47 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:01,600 Is there fighting at the holiday season? Is there fighting? 48 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:03,840 - Er...they do. They do fight. - Yeah. 49 00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:05,240 They do fight, yeah, both of them. 50 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:07,520 Well, my mum... It's lovely to have you here, Mum. 51 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:08,920 Thank you. Thank you. 52 00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:10,680 ..but she has encouraged my brother and I 53 00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:13,120 to both have very low self-esteem. 54 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:14,440 LAUGHTER 55 00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:16,120 That's contributed to it. 56 00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:19,000 Well, there is a place in the world where people fight on Christmas Day, 57 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:21,240 and they do it on purpose, in Peru. 58 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:24,720 A town called Santo Tomas - it's high up in the Peruvian Andes, 59 00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:26,360 12,000 feet above sea level - 60 00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:29,040 and they have a tradition which is called Takanakuy, 61 00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:31,120 and it happens on the 25th of December every year. 62 00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:34,200 People dress up in costumes, and then they have fist fights, 63 00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:36,440 and they take place between every kind of participant, 64 00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:39,280 between the young and the old, men and women, rich, poor, sober... 65 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:40,880 - Wow. - ..quite a lot of drunk people. 66 00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:43,400 And the idea is they're settling all their differences 67 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,520 that have occurred during the course of the year. 68 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:47,640 And it can be anything - it can be a property dispute, 69 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:50,640 it could be a spilled beer, it could be a stolen partner, 70 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:52,280 or sheep or...whatever. 71 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:55,440 There's a cultural sort of outreach thing in Crawley 72 00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:58,240 where we sort of celebrate that, as well - it's called Wetherspoons. 73 00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:00,080 LAUGHTER 74 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:05,000 But is it legally binding? 75 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:06,560 - Yes, it is legally binding. - Right. 76 00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:08,720 Whoever wins, whatever the dispute was, 77 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:10,120 that's it, they have to settle it. 78 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:12,000 So they do this on Christmas Day, but... 79 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:14,120 ..what do they do on Boxing Day, eh? 80 00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:19,480 APPLAUSE 81 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:21,480 I got there! 82 00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:24,840 It's good to have an element of panto in the show, which I like. 83 00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:26,600 It's behind you! Your career. 84 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,400 But the reason why we have family fights at Christmas, 85 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,520 it's what known as hypercopresence. 86 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:36,240 The idea is that we are forced to spend long periods of time 87 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:39,040 with people that we don't want to, and it's what Sigmund Freud called 88 00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:41,040 "the narcissism of small differences." 89 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:43,120 We just have our own family Christmas now, 90 00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:46,280 with just me and Katie and the three kids, and that is brilliant. 91 00:04:46,280 --> 00:04:48,520 I thought my children, when they grew up, would go away, 92 00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:51,120 and what they've done is gone away and brought back other people 93 00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:53,360 I don't know. LAUGHTER 94 00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:59,240 When I took my husband home for our first Christmas together, 95 00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:01,120 I got so self-conscious about all the things 96 00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:03,560 - that my family do at Christmas. - What do you do that's odd? 97 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:06,960 Well, we have a set of bells that we all... We sit round, 98 00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:08,400 we each have a different... 99 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:09,520 Anybody? 100 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:11,840 LAUGHTER 101 00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:15,040 - OK, we've got a set of bells. - Yeah. 102 00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:17,760 - There's eight bells. - Eight bells. - How many of you? - Full octave. 103 00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:20,720 - There's only four in my family. - Oh, two bells each. - Yeah. - That's lucky. 104 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:23,400 - But now my husband's joined, it's... - Oh, no! - Yeah. - He's spoilt it. 105 00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,640 - No, that's good, that's another person. - Oh, it's good. 106 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:27,240 - ROMESH: - "But that's another person" - 107 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:29,600 I'm glad you recognise him as such, Holly, that's lovely. 108 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:33,920 - HOLLY: - And in about 1987, my mum wrote out loads of Christmas songs 109 00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:37,080 on sort of boards with all the bell numbers... 110 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:40,320 - Right. - ..and we just do that for about two or three days. 111 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:42,640 LAUGHTER 112 00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:45,040 - ROMESH: - We have a similar thing where Mum and Dad's friends 113 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:47,640 would come over, Sri Lankan friends, and they would get drunk, 114 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:49,800 then they would turn over bins and stuff like that, 115 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:51,120 and then start banging on them, 116 00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:53,440 and singing, like, old traditional Sri Lankan songs. 117 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:54,960 Is that true, Shanthi, is that true? 118 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:57,720 Yes, it's very true. It's very true. 119 00:05:57,720 --> 00:05:59,880 We're checking everything you say, Romesh. 120 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:01,400 - ALAN: - Confirmation, please! 121 00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,320 You'll have the gig from hell - 122 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:06,920 "Can we have confirmation that he's telling the truth?" 123 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:10,040 I've got this horrible judgmental Wikipedia sitting over here. 124 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:14,480 - Checking on your gags. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 125 00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:16,160 Yeah, "That's true, Sandi, don't worry, 126 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,600 "you can carry on with the anecdote, off you go." 127 00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:23,120 Someone from Holly's family going, 128 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:25,040 "That's a load of shit about the bells! 129 00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:29,320 "There are 16 bells, you lying cow!" 130 00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:36,240 So, like, they would get buckets and turn them over, 131 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:39,040 and then just, like, my dad would just be... 132 00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:41,760 DRUMS ON DESK AND HUMS TUNE 133 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:44,120 Like that, for, like, hours. 134 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:47,040 - And then once... - Do you two live anywhere near each other? 135 00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:51,720 All links up, a little tour, coffee and cream, on the road. 136 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:56,680 But then, one Christmas we did that, and then the next morning, 137 00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:59,640 we took the blanket off the budgie cage, and they were dead. 138 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:04,560 Wait a minute, had you beaten the birds to death? 139 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:07,200 No, they just didn't like Sri Lankan music. 140 00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:11,200 I think your mum thinks that's not true. 141 00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:15,240 "We never had a budgie!" 142 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:17,920 Just really racist budgies, you know? 143 00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:22,880 I get a bit tired of the turkey thing because 144 00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:24,960 I haven't had any turkey since about 1985 145 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:28,040 and every year it would come round like it was a massive shock. 146 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:30,960 And I'd have to justify why I didn't want to have the turkey 147 00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,320 and there would be a space on my plate where.... 148 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:35,880 - Why don't you? - He's a vegetarian. - I don't eat meat. 149 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:38,080 I'm like, "Free the birds, free the birds!" 150 00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:39,320 Where are all the birds? 151 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:43,200 There's 11 million turkeys get eaten every year at Christmas. 152 00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:45,800 And you never see any of them! Where are the turkeys? 153 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:47,920 You've never seen one out, have you, ever? 154 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:50,600 Wouldn't it be great if they all lived on roundabouts 155 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:54,360 - and you can see them all through the year? - You should be able to see them! 156 00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:57,440 March down to Asda - here they come, here they come, the birds! 157 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:01,880 - Come on, here they come! - Cheerio, cheerio, cheerio! 158 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:06,080 And then they're just getting their heads and going... 159 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:09,040 Here's yours! Here's yours! Here's yours! 160 00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:12,440 At that noise, his whole family would make that into a musical item! 161 00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:20,120 Now... 162 00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:23,280 ..which of these items belong on a very traditional Christmas tree? 163 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:26,280 So you have a tree, and you have some items. 164 00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:28,480 So we're going to decorate our trees now. 165 00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:31,280 - Does anybody know where do we get the Christmas tree from? - Germany? 166 00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:35,120 Germany, indeed, evolved from the Paradeisbaum. 167 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:37,640 Paradise tree, so it's part of a medieval morality play 168 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:41,120 which was based on Adam and Eve, and it was staged on Christmas Eve. 169 00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:44,240 It's supposedly the name day of Adam and Eve in the Christian calendar. 170 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:49,400 So, let's start with apples and snakes. Would you put these...? 171 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:50,920 LAUGHTER 172 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:54,600 Would you put these on your tree, apples and snakes? 173 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:57,120 We're doing traditional and non-traditional things. 174 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,440 - Er...possibly the apple? - Well, if it was... 175 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:01,600 - Yes? - If it was Adam and Eve's birthday... 176 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:02,720 - Yes? - Then, yeah. 177 00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:03,760 Absolutely right, 178 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:07,000 so these are the traditional things that go on the tree. 179 00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:08,240 The snake? 180 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:09,680 What about the baubles? 181 00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:11,400 - No. - Can't be. - Why not? 182 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:14,240 Because it's too... There's no way you'd let us get away with that. 183 00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:16,920 - No. - Yeah, absolutely right - they're fake apples. 184 00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:20,960 - Fake apples! - So they represent... Yeah, they represent the apples. 185 00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:24,240 Yeah, I remember the last time I tucked into one of these bad boys. 186 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:28,800 Delicious, the old silver glitter. 187 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:31,480 They are actually German as well, they originated in 188 00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:34,560 18th-century Germany, there's a glass-blowing town called 189 00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:37,160 Lauscha, which is where the glass eye was invented. 190 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,040 And they were spotted by FW Woolworth 191 00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:41,640 and imported to the USA and so they come to us from Germany 192 00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:43,760 but via the USA. 193 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:46,280 Let's do... Which? Which on the tree? 194 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:48,080 LAUGHTER 195 00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:50,120 The angel or the Union Flag? 196 00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:52,160 Which one are we going to go for? 197 00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:54,200 - I'm going to go with the Union Flag, I think. - Yeah. 198 00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:57,040 - ROMESH: - I much prefer the Union Flag. - Yeah. 199 00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:58,120 So that is... 200 00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:00,280 LAUGHTER 201 00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:02,600 You're absolutely right - that is the traditional thing. 202 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:04,520 So, 18th-century Christmas, British Empire, 203 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,280 it is the only proper thing to top the tree. 204 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:09,120 - I've always felt odd about that moment of... - Putting the angel on. 205 00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:10,840 You know, when you've got the angel, 206 00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:13,720 and you're like putting the tree up its arse, like, something feels... 207 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:15,600 But do you know why we don't have the flag, 208 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:17,440 - we have the angel instead now? - No. 209 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:19,840 So, the angel represents Gabriel in the nativity story, 210 00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:22,920 but it's a 19th-century invention made popular by Victoria and Albert, 211 00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:26,520 who should have had the Union Flag on the tree, but they were German. 212 00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:29,120 - So they had the angel instead. - Oh. 213 00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:32,640 OK, so lights or candles on the tree? Which is traditional? 214 00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:35,320 - Oh, it's got to be candles. - It is candles, absolutely. 215 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:36,680 The legend is that Martin Luther 216 00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:38,360 was inspired to put candles on the tree - 217 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:41,760 so we're talking 1536 - after he saw thousands of stars 218 00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:44,160 glinting through the branches of the trees in the forest. 219 00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:47,360 But to be fair, electronic lights weren't an option then. 220 00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:49,680 LAUGHTER 221 00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:50,960 No, that's... 222 00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:53,080 Well, you do get candles even earlier than that - 223 00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:54,640 you do get candles about the 1440s. 224 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:57,960 There was an amazing group called the Brotherhood of the Blackheads. 225 00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:00,320 Who doesn't want to join? Brotherhood of the Blackheads. 226 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:03,120 - That's my entire teenage years summed up at once. - Yeah. 227 00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:07,760 They were unmarried merchants in Estonia, and they put up 228 00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:10,560 one of the first Christmas trees that had candles on it. 229 00:11:10,560 --> 00:11:16,320 Let's do paper, flowers, wafers and tinsel. Which ones are traditional? 230 00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:18,200 Oh, and how about some chocolate? 231 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,600 - Which of those are we going to go for? - Chocolate on the tree? 232 00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:22,320 - On the tree, traditional? - Chocolate. 233 00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:24,400 ..is the one that is in fact not traditional at all. 234 00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:25,560 Of course. 235 00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,400 The others... 236 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:29,880 Good day to you. 237 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:31,960 - So the wafer? - All I can hear is Romesh's mum 238 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:33,720 laughing in the speaker behind me. 239 00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:37,560 Mum, Alan wants you to shut up. 240 00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:39,440 LAUGHTER 241 00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:42,040 - YOU shut up! - Yes, Shanthi, yes! 242 00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:44,440 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 243 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:49,480 Guys, guys, it's Christmas, OK. All right? Just... 244 00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:52,520 Romesh, go and give your mother a nice chocolate and be nice. 245 00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:57,440 - Be nice. - Sorry. 246 00:11:57,440 --> 00:12:00,400 LAUGHTER 247 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:04,600 Shanthi, what do you think about the beard? 248 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:06,120 The beard looks good, doesn't it? 249 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:08,200 He looks like his dad, actually. 250 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:11,040 LAUGHTER I think it looks very nice. 251 00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:13,160 He didn't have a beard like this, did he? 252 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,200 - He did. He did. - Oh, right. - I hated it. 253 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:16,360 LAUGHTER 254 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:18,960 APPLAUSE 255 00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:26,880 Flowers on the tree and tinsel? Come on... 256 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,640 Traditional or non-traditional? 257 00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:30,360 Flowers, I guess. 258 00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:32,800 There aren't flowers at Christmas time, so, no. 259 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:35,880 No traditional base of them, in fact. So, from the time that we 260 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:38,560 first had Christmas trees, in fact. So we're looking 261 00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:41,400 at the 15th century - at the beginning of Christmas trees 262 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:44,560 and what did they decorate them with? They decorated them with 263 00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:47,600 - paper flowers, so roses cut out of paper, wafers... - They put... 264 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,520 - ..a sausage on there. - Is that a sausage? 265 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:53,440 - No, that's a pine cone. - That is not a sausage. 266 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,640 That is Santa coming through the tree! 267 00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:57,520 LAUGHTER 268 00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:05,080 Doing my best... 269 00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:08,440 It's got out of control, this. 270 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,360 Going in a very good area! 271 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:16,120 Has anybody ever had Christmas in the United States? Christmas 272 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:18,000 - in America? - Yes. 273 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:20,360 They often have something strange on the tree, 274 00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:22,480 which we don't have, do you know what it is? 275 00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:24,960 - A gun? Traditional. - What Americans have on the tree 276 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,280 that we don't have is a pickle on the tree. 277 00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:29,760 - And this is a very strange thing. - A pickle, like a gherkin? 278 00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:32,280 A gherkin. And we're not quite sure the origin of it. 279 00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:35,680 But it is possibly... The tradition comes from this terrible place 280 00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:39,480 called Camp Sumter. It was a notorious Confederate prisoner of war place. 281 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:42,560 Union soldiers held there - of the 45,000 who were held there, 282 00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:45,480 13,000 died. And there was a Bavarian-born gentleman... 283 00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:47,480 This is a picture to illustrate this. 284 00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:50,440 ..called Private John C Lower and he was captured and taken 285 00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:53,000 to the prison camp and he was so hungry that he asked 286 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,720 the guard for something to eat and he was given a pickle. 287 00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:58,800 And he credited it with saving his life and when he returned to 288 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:01,840 his family, he began a tradition... AUDIENCE MEMBER LAUGHS 289 00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:03,600 You're doing your own jokes now! 290 00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:05,480 That is a pickle! 291 00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:13,320 You can see why families fight at Christmas. 292 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:15,720 - Is that a pickled gherkin? - Yeah. 293 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:17,280 Are they that big? 294 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:21,440 - In America, they can be enormous. - That's a pickled cucumber. 295 00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:23,760 The provenance of the picture of the gherkin, 296 00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:25,240 I'm not entirely clear of... 297 00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:29,320 Maybe we should check with my mum. 298 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:34,160 What do you think that is? A gherkin or a cucumber? 299 00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:36,160 - A gherkin, I think. - Thank you, Shanthi. 300 00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:38,240 In America, everything is big, isn't it? 301 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:39,760 You just heard Sandi say that! 302 00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:44,200 - She's on my side. - Oh, yes. - Absolutely. 303 00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:46,800 Trees away, please. 304 00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:49,760 THUD 305 00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:51,120 LAUGHTER 306 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:56,040 Now, which king appeared on the first British Christmas stamp? 307 00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:57,680 Er...George V. 308 00:14:57,680 --> 00:15:00,520 KLAXON BLARES 309 00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:04,520 - Wenceslas. - Yes. - Yeah! - Yes! 310 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:07,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 311 00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:12,840 You're absolutely right. 312 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:16,840 So, 1963, the then Postmaster General was Tony Benn, 313 00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:18,440 and he launched a competition 314 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:21,280 in conjunction with Blue Peter and the Post Office 315 00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:23,720 to design Britain's very first Christmas stamp, 316 00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:27,920 and six-year-old Tasveer Shemza - that's her there on the right - 317 00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:32,520 she won with a Good King Wenceslas design, and James Berry, 318 00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:35,160 next to her, he got a 1/6d stamp, but here is her stamp. 319 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:37,400 So he was the only king on the stamp, 320 00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:40,080 because of course the monarch is Queen Elizabeth II. 321 00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:41,800 And Tasveer is in the audience... 322 00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,480 - Shut the front door! - There she is, all grown-up. - Ah! 323 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:45,760 Congratulations! 324 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:48,360 APPLAUSE 325 00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:57,440 Tasveer, did you... 326 00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:00,800 That's the longest round of applause we've ever had for anything. 327 00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:02,680 They LOVE your stamp! 328 00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:05,200 Tasveer, was the picture based on anybody? 329 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:08,680 Well, it was indeed, yes. It's not King Wenceslas... 330 00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:11,720 - Right. - ..as people say - it was actually a picture of my dad. 331 00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:13,440 Oh, a picture of your dad! 332 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:14,920 And we've got... There he is. 333 00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:17,600 I think you did very well with that. 334 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:19,200 Sorry, if your dad is wearing that hat, 335 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:21,200 I think he's a bit above his station. 336 00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:25,760 What I love about this is the stamp was issued in 1966, 337 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:29,320 so in fact Daleks, which were introduced in 1963, 338 00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:32,080 are an older Christmas tradition than Christmas stamps 339 00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:33,360 here in the UK. 340 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:34,920 Do you know who that is in the picture? 341 00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:36,840 Is it one of the Doctors, William Hartnell? 342 00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:39,000 It was William Hartnell, the very first Doctor Who. 343 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,680 - Was the first Doctor Who really old, then? - Yes. 344 00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:44,520 He was THAT old, in fact. 345 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:47,600 It was something about wisdom and gravitas with the role. 346 00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:50,640 Yeah. Well, I mean, with your new white beard, you could be up for it. 347 00:16:50,640 --> 00:16:53,080 - ROMESH: - Yeah. - Yeah. HOLLY: - I think now that beards are so... 348 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:55,960 I don't think the beard cancels out the skin. 349 00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:00,200 - I think you'd be a really good Doctor Who. - Do you think so? 350 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:03,080 - Yeah. - JASON: - And your mum could be like Doctor Who's sidekick. - Oh! 351 00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:05,080 Oh, my God! 352 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:06,760 The first Doctor to top himself. 353 00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:16,920 I started laughing, like your mum, my own laugh is now... 354 00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:22,800 - Do you fancy it, Alan? Playing Doctor Who? - No. 355 00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:26,480 - Why not? - Because it takes a year of your life. - Yeah. 356 00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:29,400 And everyone around you is painted blue and they all... 357 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:32,720 But...the truth is, Sandi - if they asked me I'd probably do it. 358 00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:34,320 LAUGHTER 359 00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:43,400 He was talking and... "Oh, my God, I might be talking 360 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:44,840 "myself out of this!" 361 00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:47,960 Some producer going, "Well, he's out." 362 00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:52,120 They do some audiotape stories of Doctor Who 363 00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:54,680 and I was in one - I played the villain. 364 00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:56,960 I was a lesbian who ate the world! 365 00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:00,320 Was it that one of your character traits was that 366 00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:02,680 you are a lesbian? Was that one of the storylines? 367 00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:04,880 No, the whole storyline was about the fact 368 00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:07,520 - that I was a predatory lesbian. - Right... 369 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,120 And I had to study for ages to... 370 00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:11,040 LAUGHTER 371 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,760 I'd happily do it as a trans... 372 00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:19,240 We get it, you want the job, all right! 373 00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:23,480 "I'll play a Jamaican, whatever they need..." 374 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:31,000 Which is best for Christmas cards - first class or second class? 375 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:33,120 - Makes no odds. - It doesn't really make a difference. 376 00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:35,440 I don't think we have a second-class stamp any more, do we? 377 00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:37,520 - Yeah, yeah, no, you do. - Oh, how posh are you?! 378 00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:39,280 LAUGHTER 379 00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:43,560 - ROMESH: - Things are going all right for Jason Manford, aren't they?! 380 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:46,400 What is a second-class stamp for? Cos the letters must arrive 381 00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:49,280 at the same time. Does the postman go, "Nah, well, I'll leave them 382 00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:51,160 "till tomorrow"? He's going that way. 383 00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:54,000 So, the Post Office guarantees with first-class delivery 384 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,400 that 93% of it will be delivered within one working day. 385 00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,080 - Oh, I see. - 93, not 100%? - No. 386 00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:01,120 93% guaranteed, but at Christmas, that is formally suspended, 387 00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:03,080 and they only manage 50% next-day delivery, 388 00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:04,440 so frankly, you might as well... 389 00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:07,560 So how can they live with themselves and sell some people...? 390 00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:10,280 If you were to go in and say, "Can I have a first-class stamp," 391 00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:12,000 - they should say, "No." - Don't bother. 392 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,560 "We don't sell them, because that's morally wrong." 393 00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:19,760 I had a girlfriend once, who thought that if you put more stamps on, 394 00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:21,160 it would get there quicker. 395 00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:26,400 Five first-class stamps on a letter. 396 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:28,200 Actually, Sandi, my mum can step in here, 397 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:31,240 - because she works for Royal Mail, don't you, Mum? - Yes, I do. 398 00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:33,920 - And there are second-class stamps, are there not? - Yes, there are. 399 00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:35,480 Yeah, there's second-class stamps. 400 00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:38,520 What have you got to say about this 50% success-rate scandal? 401 00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,480 - My lips are sealed! - No, speak up, you're here! 402 00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:43,760 Now answer the question! 403 00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:47,800 - You said it on the way here. - What? 404 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,480 You said you thought Royal Mail was crap, 405 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:52,280 - and you wished you didn't have to work there. - I never said that! 406 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:54,800 I never said that. 407 00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:55,920 LAUGHTER 408 00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,880 Anyway, please can you thank Tasveer Shemza? 409 00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:03,360 APPLAUSE 410 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:11,680 Now, it's time to wrap our presents in the great QI wrapping race. 411 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,600 OK, so under your respective desks, 412 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:16,760 you're going to find paper and scissors and tape, 413 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:19,440 and I would like you to beautifully wrap the things you've got. 414 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:22,760 So, Romesh, you need to wrap the game that we've got there for you, 415 00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:25,120 and if you could find the best way of... 416 00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:26,240 LAUGHTER 417 00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:28,640 Wrap that for me. 418 00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:33,280 And, Alan, if you could wrap yours, there we are, that's lovely. 419 00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:35,280 And what have you guys got to wrap up? 420 00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:42,040 Lovely. So, what do we reckon? Best way to wrap these things up? 421 00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:44,040 Are you going to say, "Ready, steady, go"? 422 00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:46,240 Ready, steady, go. Whoever does it best... 423 00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,600 Wow! Jason, that's... Yeah. 424 00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:04,080 - Looks good. - I think I've finished, Sandi. 425 00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:05,600 OK, let me see, let me see. 426 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:07,720 Alan is the winner, I think, got there first. 427 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:08,760 APPLAUSE 428 00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:11,680 OK. 429 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,720 So, awkward items, what you need is a life-hack, OK, 430 00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:17,720 to wrap something awkward. 431 00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:20,200 So I've got here a small American football 432 00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:22,480 and a single piece of paper, and what you actually do, 433 00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:24,480 and you could have done it with any of your items, 434 00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:28,400 is you take your paper, and you fold it like this, 435 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:33,240 and then put some tape down the middle like this. 436 00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:37,240 and then you need to fold the piece of paper like this... 437 00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:38,760 and fold it in... 438 00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:44,800 ..and then put some Sellotape on that, like this... 439 00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:46,520 This is like Blue Peter, isn't it? 440 00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:51,400 It's a really brilliant way to wrap an awkward thing. 441 00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:53,920 It is basically a bag with a gusset 442 00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:56,040 that you can make out of a single piece of paper, 443 00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:58,920 and you make it like that, and you stick your awkward thing inside, 444 00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:03,680 - and you have a very neatly wrapped gift. - Oh, my God! 445 00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:04,960 APPLAUSE 446 00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:11,800 So the other way to do it is - if you've got a very small present... 447 00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:15,000 ..and you haven't got any money, you can take a packet of crisps, 448 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,680 eat the crisps, turn it inside out and then the packet 449 00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:20,320 makes a very lovely silver parcel to wrap something small, 450 00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:23,120 - so there are some simple... - Doesn't it smell of cheese and onion? 451 00:22:23,120 --> 00:22:29,200 - It stinks! - "I love these diamond earrings that smell of pickled onion." 452 00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:31,040 Wrap your presents in crisp packets? 453 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:34,760 Right, let's put the presents away, please. 454 00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:41,320 Describe the most miserable Christmas dinner of all time. 455 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:46,600 - Well, it's got to be sprout-based. - Do you not like sprouts? 456 00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:49,320 Little pockets of evil, aren't they? Just... 457 00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:51,160 Honestly, it's a fart in your mouth. 458 00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:54,400 Exactly, I agree. 459 00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:55,760 - That's a great game. - Yeah. 460 00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:02,480 - Have you not done that? - Have I not done that? 461 00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:05,880 - Christmas Day? - No, I haven't. - There's one for you. 462 00:23:05,880 --> 00:23:07,040 Mum...? 463 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:11,440 When you say love them, how do you cook them? 464 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:13,800 How do you cook them? I'm interested. 465 00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:16,200 This is the most intimidating cookery show. 466 00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:20,400 How do you cook 'em?! Answer! 467 00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:25,040 - I boil them for a bit. - Boil them for a bit. 468 00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:26,880 And then you have them with chestnuts. 469 00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:29,360 Now, here we go, you see, this is what everybody does... 470 00:23:29,360 --> 00:23:31,000 They go, "I like sprouts, cos what you do, 471 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:33,000 "you put them with a bit of bacon..." You're like, 472 00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,720 "No, no, bacon's nice, innit?" That's what you've done there. 473 00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:38,200 "I'll put them with some chocolate." No, chocolate's nice. 474 00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:40,440 By themselves...they are little devil's haemorrhoids 475 00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:42,240 and they should be... 476 00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:44,680 - ..yanked off the planet. - The only way to do them that's nice, 477 00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:47,040 is to cut them in half and then drizzle them with olive oil 478 00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:49,400 and put them in a roasting tray and stick them in the oven 479 00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:51,480 for 40 minutes and they're actually not too bad. 480 00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:53,840 No, no, you steam them a bit and then you get 481 00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:57,160 - them in a very hot pan with curry powder. - Right. 482 00:23:57,160 --> 00:23:59,960 This has officially become the most middle class... 483 00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:04,720 There's nothing middle class about curry powder. 484 00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:06,400 Is there, Romesh? 485 00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:11,560 Right, the most miserable Christmas dinner of all time... 486 00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:14,760 - Was there a war declared? - It's 1912, so just before the war. 487 00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:16,440 Christmas Day, 1912...? 488 00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:19,040 - We're a long, long way away...? - In space? 489 00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:22,280 - As far away as you can... - It's a bit early! - Space?! 490 00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:27,080 "How did we get here? 491 00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:30,080 "The Wright brothers haven't taken off yet." 492 00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:33,800 - Is it at the South Pole? - Yes. - Shackleton...? - Yes. 493 00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:36,320 Antarctic explorer Frank Hurley, so that's him 494 00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:39,280 on the left there with Shackleton. He was Shackleton's photographer 495 00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:42,040 in the Great Imperial Trans-Antarctic expedition... 496 00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:44,440 Who took that picture, then? 497 00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:46,040 Er... 498 00:24:48,440 --> 00:24:51,000 APPLAUSE 499 00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:54,040 So there's Shackleton and Hurley. But in fact, Hurley 500 00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:56,200 - had been on a previous expedition. - Got you, right. 501 00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:58,000 The Australasian Antarctic expedition 502 00:24:58,000 --> 00:24:59,960 and it was Christmas Day and they were on their way 503 00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:03,440 back from the South Pole and they thought they'd make a festive Christmas pudding. 504 00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:06,240 Now, obviously, where could you get anything...that you wanted? 505 00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:10,160 - Exactly. - So they grated three biscuits with a saw, 506 00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:13,320 they mixed in sugar, snow and seven raisins 507 00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:14,880 and added meths for flavour. 508 00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:19,280 And boiled it all up in his old sock on their Primus stove! 509 00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:23,080 And to accompany this feast, they made a drink called 510 00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:26,080 Tanglefoot - by boiling five raisins in meths 511 00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:29,120 and then drinking the meths. So, ethanol is the thing that 512 00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:33,080 alcohol is made of, and meths has things added to ethanol 513 00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:35,640 so that it's poisonous, so that you don't drink it. 514 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:37,440 But my favourite is the hors d'oeuvre - 515 00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:39,560 the hors d'oeuvre was Angels On Gliders - 516 00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:43,080 it consisted of a raisin on top of a chocolate bar previously fried. 517 00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:46,600 What if you didn't like raisins? 518 00:25:48,120 --> 00:25:49,920 Probably not the expedition for you. 519 00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:54,120 You go, "Listen, I don't mind drinking this poison, 520 00:25:54,120 --> 00:25:55,880 "but I cannot stand raisins." 521 00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:59,680 I wonder if they talked about whose sock would be the nicest 522 00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:02,040 - to cook it in. - I think it's going to be the chef's choice, 523 00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:04,920 - is it not? - See, I'd still rather have that than sprouts. 524 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:09,560 I even get annoyed when parsnips pretend to be 'tatoes. 525 00:26:09,560 --> 00:26:11,880 - Oh, that is annoying. - You know when you're like, 526 00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:13,800 "Oh, I'll have a bit of potato. It's a parsnip, 527 00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:15,040 "you lying get!" 528 00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:18,240 They cut them up so they look like chips 529 00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:21,680 and they all think it's hilarious, "Look, the kids think they're chips, 530 00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:23,480 "look, look... 531 00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:28,120 "Ha-ha-ha!" 532 00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:34,240 Right, because it's Christmas, we're going to play a quick game. 533 00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:36,080 The envelopes have got your name on them. 534 00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:37,680 Oh, here we go. Ooh! 535 00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:39,880 Inside the envelope you'll find a two-syllable word. 536 00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:42,680 Here's what you have to do - you have to act out the first syllable, 537 00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:44,920 then the second, then the whole thing, 538 00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:47,120 and only then can we guess what the word is. 539 00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:49,360 OK? Right, Alan, off you go. 540 00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:53,000 LAUGHTER 541 00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:56,440 - OK. I'm not allowed to speak, am I? - No. - No, OK. 542 00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:01,280 So this is the first syllable. 543 00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:04,760 OK. 544 00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:08,320 - Right, that's the first syllable. - OK, yeah. - Second syllable. 545 00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:10,320 Very good. And now the whole thing. 546 00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:13,160 Bagpipe. 547 00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:15,760 Yes. Very, very good, well done. 548 00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:22,880 - Romesh? - I don't think I can do mine. - Why? 549 00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:24,280 I just can't. 550 00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:28,000 Yes, you can. 551 00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:30,920 - OK. - Yes, and your mum believes in you, she just said yes behind me. 552 00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:33,520 - SHANTHI: - Yeah, try. Try. - Yes, see, "Try," says your mum. 553 00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:36,600 - Yeah, why don't you try? - "Oh, well, if you believe in me, Mum!" 554 00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:42,080 Doesn't change the word, love, all right? It's still impossible. 555 00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:43,600 OK. 556 00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:45,840 - So, first syllable. - Yeah. 557 00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:50,840 - Oh good, yeah, good. - Yeah. 558 00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:52,800 - OK. - That's that bit. - Yeah. Second syllable? 559 00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:54,560 No idea what that was. 560 00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:55,960 - Shark. - OK, the whole thing? 561 00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:02,160 - HOLLY: - Pie shark? - A pie shark? - A pie shark? 562 00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:04,240 Is it a pie shark? 563 00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:06,360 It is, I can't believe you got it, it IS a pie shark! 564 00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:07,760 What is the first bit, so... 565 00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:13,400 - First thing? - I thought it was going to be difficult, 566 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:15,880 but she's absolutely nailed that. Astonishing! 567 00:28:17,360 --> 00:28:19,840 You're the only other person I know that's heard of pie shark, 568 00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:20,880 it's amazing! 569 00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:23,720 You were right, Mum - I CAN do it! 570 00:28:25,040 --> 00:28:26,120 APPLAUSE 571 00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:31,680 Show everybody the card. 572 00:28:31,680 --> 00:28:33,600 - It's a muff! - Muffin! 573 00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:35,680 - Muffin. - Muffin. 574 00:28:37,360 --> 00:28:40,480 - Have a go. - Me? - Yeah. 575 00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:42,200 Right. Erm... 576 00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:46,840 - Bum. - Don't guess yet! 577 00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:49,640 - ROMESH: - There's only three rules in this game, Holly! 578 00:28:57,320 --> 00:29:00,160 - And then the whole thing. - OK, and the whole thing. Er... 579 00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:05,000 OK. Anybody? 580 00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:06,120 Pie shark? 581 00:29:06,120 --> 00:29:07,440 LAUGHTER 582 00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:15,840 - Bum hands. - Bum ring? 583 00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:18,040 - What's that? - What did you say? 584 00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:19,600 I said bum ring. 585 00:29:19,600 --> 00:29:21,920 Bum...ring? 586 00:29:21,920 --> 00:29:24,680 - Bum ring, really, on QI?! - How did we get to bum ring? 587 00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:27,480 It's a bum ring, cos he went like that, he went like that... 588 00:29:27,480 --> 00:29:29,680 But what was the thing when he was walking around? 589 00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:32,000 It's the sort of thing that a bum ring would do. 590 00:29:34,120 --> 00:29:37,600 What he did there, I thought, "He looks like such a bum ring." 591 00:29:37,600 --> 00:29:39,160 What does it say on your card? 592 00:29:39,160 --> 00:29:41,600 - Bumbling. - Bumbling. - Oh, bumbling! 593 00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:43,400 - Bum-bling. - Bling! - Bling! 594 00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:46,240 Right, Holly. 595 00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:49,200 - Hang on a minute, why is your clue in your sock? - Oh, the foot's out. 596 00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:51,320 - OK, first one. - Foot! 597 00:29:51,320 --> 00:29:53,400 Don't guess yet! 598 00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:55,520 Yeah, second one. 599 00:29:55,520 --> 00:29:56,560 Oh, God. 600 00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:02,200 This is very awkward. 601 00:30:05,880 --> 00:30:06,920 Is it football? 602 00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:10,240 It WAS football - very well done. 603 00:30:12,880 --> 00:30:15,280 That is how they used to play charades. 604 00:30:15,280 --> 00:30:17,000 It came from France, actually, the game, 605 00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:20,200 but it was codified by the brothers Mayhew, Henry and Horace, 606 00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:22,600 and they decided those were the rules. 607 00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:24,920 Look at that - isn't that wonderful? 608 00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:27,200 "Deeds not words," also, weirdly, the slogan of 609 00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:30,320 the Suffragettes, I don't know why it was also the slogan for charades! 610 00:30:30,320 --> 00:30:32,880 But I think the jokes were supposed to be out of muff-fin - 611 00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:35,280 that was the idea, so breast-plate, or cock-ade, 612 00:30:35,280 --> 00:30:37,520 or any of those things was meant to be hilarious. 613 00:30:37,520 --> 00:30:40,520 But there were lots of wonderful parlour games. Since that went 614 00:30:40,520 --> 00:30:43,000 so well, who's for a game of hot cockles? 615 00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:44,640 Absolutely. 616 00:30:46,720 --> 00:30:49,600 It was a big Georgian favourite - have you ever heard of it? 617 00:30:49,600 --> 00:30:51,800 - No. - Hot cockles? The player puts their head 618 00:30:51,800 --> 00:30:54,520 in another person's lap but here's the fun bit, OK? 619 00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:57,960 One by one, everybody else comes up behind and kicks them in the arse. 620 00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:03,160 The object of the game - you have to guess who's kicking. 621 00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:09,360 - Have you got any other ones? - Yes, I have. 622 00:31:09,360 --> 00:31:11,960 - I'm not sure about that one. - Bullet pudding. 623 00:31:11,960 --> 00:31:14,320 This was very, very popular in Regency times. 624 00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:17,040 You took a large amount of flour and you piled it 625 00:31:17,040 --> 00:31:21,120 on a plate and then you balanced a bullet on the top 626 00:31:21,120 --> 00:31:23,720 and then players used to take a knife and take it in turns 627 00:31:23,720 --> 00:31:27,240 to remove some of the flour and the person who made the 628 00:31:27,240 --> 00:31:29,680 bullet topple into the pile of flour, had to retrieve it 629 00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:31,800 using only their teeth. 630 00:31:31,800 --> 00:31:35,640 - We used to do that with 1p's. - In a pile of flour? - Yeah. 631 00:31:35,640 --> 00:31:38,480 - Aww! - On Christmas, when the bells would run out. 632 00:31:40,640 --> 00:31:43,160 On day five of Christmas, we'd do that, it's really fun. 633 00:31:43,160 --> 00:31:45,480 But at the end, you have to try and get the penny out with 634 00:31:45,480 --> 00:31:47,800 your face and then you look like Romesh. 635 00:31:50,680 --> 00:31:52,360 In a good way, Romesh. 636 00:31:52,360 --> 00:31:53,880 My beard, yeah. 637 00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:55,360 Snapdragon, another game 638 00:31:55,360 --> 00:31:58,720 that was incredibly popular from the 16th to the 19th century. 639 00:31:58,720 --> 00:32:03,000 You put brandy in a wide, shallow bowl and then raisins - again, 640 00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:05,480 and then the whole thing is set alight 641 00:32:05,480 --> 00:32:08,040 and the aim of the game is to pluck the raisins 642 00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:09,800 out of the burning brandy! 643 00:32:11,440 --> 00:32:15,120 With the hilarious risk of...being burnt! 644 00:32:18,840 --> 00:32:20,760 Merry Christmas! 645 00:32:20,760 --> 00:32:22,520 That's like Jackass 200 years ago! 646 00:32:24,680 --> 00:32:27,400 Now we invite QI's Lord of Misrule to the fireside 647 00:32:27,400 --> 00:32:29,520 for the round we call General Ignorance. 648 00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:31,720 Fingers on buzzers, please. 649 00:32:31,720 --> 00:32:34,800 What Christmas tradition is the first downward step 650 00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:38,520 for fallen women and inmates of prisons and lunatic asylums? 651 00:32:39,800 --> 00:32:43,480 - Crackers? - Crackers? - Pudding? - It's Christmas carols. - Carols. 652 00:32:43,480 --> 00:32:47,240 - Oh. - Because Christmas carols were originally sung in the pub 653 00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:50,960 at summertime. So, in the 1870s, carol singing was frowned upon, 654 00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:53,800 it was carried out by, well, the rough working classes, 655 00:32:53,800 --> 00:32:55,280 if I'm honest with you. 656 00:32:55,280 --> 00:32:57,480 They were often drunk and it was a disgraceful excuse 657 00:32:57,480 --> 00:33:00,480 for young men and women to spend time together. 658 00:33:00,480 --> 00:33:03,480 I've got this marvellous letter in the Derby Mercury, 1872, 659 00:33:03,480 --> 00:33:07,080 wondered, "How many poor fallen women and inmates of prisons 660 00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:10,480 "and lunatic asylums could date their first downward step to 661 00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:12,040 "an evening's carol singing?" 662 00:33:13,200 --> 00:33:15,960 So why would you sing Christmas songs in the summer? 663 00:33:15,960 --> 00:33:18,360 - They were just popular songs. - You were pissed. 664 00:33:18,360 --> 00:33:19,560 LAUGHTER 665 00:33:19,560 --> 00:33:22,040 And it's one of the reasons why they've survived so long 666 00:33:22,040 --> 00:33:24,320 because they were just very jolly, cheery tunes. 667 00:33:24,320 --> 00:33:26,640 There weren't many other songs about, were there? 668 00:33:26,640 --> 00:33:29,040 - They hadn't had The Beatles. - Yeah. 669 00:33:29,040 --> 00:33:30,640 That's a fair point, actually. 670 00:33:30,640 --> 00:33:35,040 Carols were traditionally summer songs sung down the pub. 671 00:33:35,040 --> 00:33:39,800 What did robins originally represent on Christmas cards? 672 00:33:39,800 --> 00:33:41,480 Evil? 673 00:33:45,160 --> 00:33:48,680 Can you imagine anything less evil? 674 00:33:48,680 --> 00:33:51,640 - Was it something to do with being stabbed, or blood? - What?! 675 00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:56,840 - You know... - I love how your mind works, but it puzzles me. 676 00:33:56,840 --> 00:34:00,120 - The red breast. - Yes. So, Christmas, traditional stabbing time. 677 00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:05,360 - OK, anybody in the audience know? AUDIENCE MEMBER: - The postman. 678 00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:07,560 Postmen. KLAXON BLARES 679 00:34:11,760 --> 00:34:14,480 Oh, it looks so easy, doesn't it? 680 00:34:14,480 --> 00:34:16,480 LAUGHTER 681 00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:18,800 The fact is, robins have been associated with Christmas 682 00:34:18,800 --> 00:34:21,000 - long before Victorian... - Long before Jesus. 683 00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:22,320 LAUGHTER 684 00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:28,160 Long before Victorian postmen and their red outfits. 685 00:34:28,160 --> 00:34:31,680 So the idea that robins on cards originally represented the postman, 686 00:34:31,680 --> 00:34:34,120 as, I have to say, stated in a previous QI, 687 00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:37,680 is wrong, and so thank goodness I am here to clear up this terrible mess. 688 00:34:37,680 --> 00:34:39,280 - Thank God you're here. - I know. 689 00:34:39,280 --> 00:34:41,960 There's a traditional Christmas song called The Robin's Appeal, 690 00:34:41,960 --> 00:34:44,240 so pictures of robins on cards appear to have been there 691 00:34:44,240 --> 00:34:45,560 to represent robins. 692 00:34:45,560 --> 00:34:48,240 What I find incredible about this is that he's a traditional postman 693 00:34:48,240 --> 00:34:49,840 but he's holding a smartphone. 694 00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:57,120 - And a man bag. - And a hipster beard. - Yeah. 695 00:34:57,120 --> 00:35:00,080 Possibly it's to do with poverty in the 19th century - 696 00:35:00,080 --> 00:35:03,400 it was common to refer to destitute children as poor robins. 697 00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:07,840 And lots of churches would put on robins' dinners on Christmas Day for local poor children. 698 00:35:07,840 --> 00:35:10,240 But it's changed over the years, so in the 1860s, 699 00:35:10,240 --> 00:35:12,120 they had robins on Christmas cards, 700 00:35:12,120 --> 00:35:14,240 and they were depicted as being comic, 701 00:35:14,240 --> 00:35:17,360 then in the 1870s, they get rather sentimental. 702 00:35:17,360 --> 00:35:20,760 1880s, it's... I don't know what happened - they just show them dead. 703 00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:21,920 I don't know what's... 704 00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:28,120 - There's a stabbing. - There must have been a terrible epidemic. 705 00:35:28,120 --> 00:35:34,160 - ROMESH: - Look at... I mean, it says, "May yours be a joyful Christmas." 706 00:35:36,040 --> 00:35:39,000 He's got it wrong at the printer - it's meant to be portrait. 707 00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:41,160 LAUGHTER 708 00:35:42,880 --> 00:35:45,160 Despite what we said on an earlier season of QI, 709 00:35:45,160 --> 00:35:50,920 robins on Christmas cards probably represent not postmen, but poor children...or robins. 710 00:35:50,920 --> 00:35:55,280 And finally, what should I do if I spill red wine on the tablecloth? 711 00:35:55,280 --> 00:35:58,680 So, gentlemen, I'm going to give you a tablecloth, 712 00:35:58,680 --> 00:36:01,520 and you've got some wine between you. 713 00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:03,920 Wine, yes. Wine, lovely wine. 714 00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:04,960 All right, there we go. 715 00:36:04,960 --> 00:36:07,560 If you think any of it's going on the tablecloth, 716 00:36:07,560 --> 00:36:09,320 you are sadly mistaken. 717 00:36:12,480 --> 00:36:14,720 A merry, merry, merry Christmas to you all. 718 00:36:14,720 --> 00:36:17,920 I've had drinks with you before, and I suspect I am not mistaken. 719 00:36:22,760 --> 00:36:24,880 - OK, so... - Pouring the red on? - Do a bit of red on. 720 00:36:24,880 --> 00:36:27,920 - Little bit of red on there. - OK. Now, what would you do about that? 721 00:36:27,920 --> 00:36:29,440 I've gone, "Ooh, my tablecloth!" 722 00:36:29,440 --> 00:36:31,960 Oh! Get some white wine, get some white wine! 723 00:36:31,960 --> 00:36:34,560 KLAXON BLARES 724 00:36:36,200 --> 00:36:38,400 - Can we try it at least? - You can give it a go, yeah. 725 00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:40,640 I mean, it's a bit unfair to give us white wine 726 00:36:40,640 --> 00:36:43,720 - and then have a go at us for mentioning it, but... - OK, have a go. 727 00:36:46,040 --> 00:36:47,560 - So... - It's gone, it's gone! 728 00:36:48,920 --> 00:36:54,000 So, it will dilute the stain, but it contains complex sugars. 729 00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:56,880 It's perfectly possible that the white wine will discolour the cloth. 730 00:36:56,880 --> 00:37:00,200 So, you two, you've got a bit of carpet that you've spilled yours on. 731 00:37:00,200 --> 00:37:02,040 - OK. - I have seen that work, though. 732 00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:04,320 - Spill a bit of red. - Shall I spill it? - Yeah, go on. 733 00:37:04,320 --> 00:37:06,840 It's liberty hall. There we go. 734 00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:09,560 - Oh, God! - Red on the carpet... Wow, you just went crazy! 735 00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:15,000 You assumed that you were doing just the one experiment, did you, Holly? 736 00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:17,400 And you were going to get it right first time out of the gate? 737 00:37:17,400 --> 00:37:19,960 - Right, Jason, what are you going to do? - I've got all sorts here. 738 00:37:19,960 --> 00:37:22,360 - OK. - I think there's some... Is that soda water? 739 00:37:22,360 --> 00:37:23,920 Er...yes, that's... 740 00:37:23,920 --> 00:37:26,680 - Water, maybe a bit of salt. - Yes? OK, you were doing... 741 00:37:26,680 --> 00:37:29,360 KLAXON BLARES 742 00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:30,920 - But not salt? - Not salt. 743 00:37:30,920 --> 00:37:33,880 Salt will absorb the wine initially, but it's also a fixative, 744 00:37:33,880 --> 00:37:36,000 so unless you manage to get all the salt out, 745 00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:37,920 it is possible that what you're actually doing 746 00:37:37,920 --> 00:37:39,280 is making the stain permanent. 747 00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:41,520 Well, this is... This is doing a good job. 748 00:37:41,520 --> 00:37:43,840 - So, the tip is, blot it... - I can't open the vinegar. 749 00:37:43,840 --> 00:37:46,040 So, again, the vinegar, frankly no better than water, 750 00:37:46,040 --> 00:37:47,160 and extremely expensive. 751 00:37:47,160 --> 00:37:50,040 - What's this, then? - No better than water! 752 00:37:50,040 --> 00:37:53,600 It's also acidic, so it's going to possibly discolour the cloth. 753 00:37:53,600 --> 00:37:56,000 It's going through the desk! It's going through the desk! 754 00:37:56,960 --> 00:37:59,720 Argh, it's like Alien! 755 00:37:59,720 --> 00:38:01,560 - So the tip is... - Get Ripley! 756 00:38:01,560 --> 00:38:03,680 The tip is to... Oh, no. 757 00:38:03,680 --> 00:38:05,840 LAUGHTER 758 00:38:14,400 --> 00:38:16,000 Well, that's put that fire out. 759 00:38:17,440 --> 00:38:19,440 - That didn't work, Sandi. - That didn't work, no. 760 00:38:19,440 --> 00:38:22,400 What you need to do is blot it with kitchen paper. 761 00:38:22,400 --> 00:38:24,360 I was going to take this notebook home. 762 00:38:29,840 --> 00:38:31,920 Well, that's sorted that out, that's... 763 00:38:32,880 --> 00:38:35,040 Don't spill your wine, that's the moral of the story. 764 00:38:35,040 --> 00:38:36,080 That's the trick. 765 00:38:36,080 --> 00:38:38,520 But actually, the answer is, you blot it with kitchen paper, 766 00:38:38,520 --> 00:38:40,640 and all you need is tap water, not sparkling water. 767 00:38:40,640 --> 00:38:42,920 - Why not sparkling water? - Cos it's fizzy? 768 00:38:42,920 --> 00:38:44,960 Cos it's really expensive! 769 00:38:44,960 --> 00:38:46,280 Oh, it's stupidly expensive. 770 00:38:46,280 --> 00:38:48,200 It's really stupidly expensive. 771 00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:49,800 What have you done? You've made a mess. 772 00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:51,840 - We haven't done nothing. - Underneath. Let me see. 773 00:38:51,840 --> 00:38:52,960 How do you get, erm... 774 00:38:52,960 --> 00:38:54,760 wine off expensive electrical equipment? 775 00:38:54,760 --> 00:38:57,680 LAUGHTER 776 00:38:59,280 --> 00:39:02,440 Well, I have to say, Sandi, that's bollocks, 777 00:39:02,440 --> 00:39:04,080 cos that hasn't worked, either. 778 00:39:07,120 --> 00:39:10,600 - One year... - Yes. - ..when I was a student, we had paper decorations. 779 00:39:10,600 --> 00:39:14,800 And then we had brandy on the cake and the paper caught fire 780 00:39:14,800 --> 00:39:16,560 and then it went... 781 00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:18,320 HE BLOWS 782 00:39:19,720 --> 00:39:23,200 Across the whole room and then flaming decorations started... 783 00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:27,160 And then someone threw brandy on it to put it out 784 00:39:27,160 --> 00:39:28,600 and it went...whoom! 785 00:39:29,840 --> 00:39:33,920 And then suddenly we realised this was an actual fire. 786 00:39:33,920 --> 00:39:37,320 And my mate got up and put Burning Down The House by Talking Heads on. 787 00:39:39,200 --> 00:39:42,040 - Shanthi, what would you do, darling? - Washing-up liquid. 788 00:39:42,040 --> 00:39:43,840 - Washing-up liquid? - Oh, controversial! 789 00:39:43,840 --> 00:39:45,760 OK. 790 00:39:45,760 --> 00:39:48,600 - Yeah, but it's not... - Any particular brand? 791 00:39:48,600 --> 00:39:52,200 - But not wasting white wine, am I right? - No. No, I won't. 792 00:39:52,200 --> 00:39:54,800 We just move furniture... 793 00:39:56,960 --> 00:40:00,600 - Sod it, let's move the couch. - Put a rug on it. 794 00:40:00,600 --> 00:40:02,840 "Why's the telly behind the sofa?" 795 00:40:02,840 --> 00:40:04,200 "Don't worry about it." 796 00:40:05,640 --> 00:40:08,000 - I'll tell you what we did one year, actually... - Yeah? 797 00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:10,800 ..is spilt a bit of red wine, then took one of the dead budgies, 798 00:40:10,800 --> 00:40:12,440 made it look like a murder scene. 799 00:40:14,800 --> 00:40:17,640 The bird died because somebody fell on the cage, I remember. 800 00:40:17,640 --> 00:40:19,360 Did somebody fall on the cage? 801 00:40:19,360 --> 00:40:21,240 Yeah, they were drunk, isn't it? 802 00:40:21,240 --> 00:40:22,680 That's why it died. 803 00:40:24,160 --> 00:40:25,360 It's not me! 804 00:40:26,560 --> 00:40:30,320 - JASON: - Can I just say, the bird didn't die, the bird was murdered. 805 00:40:30,320 --> 00:40:31,440 Yeah. 806 00:40:31,440 --> 00:40:34,840 I've also got dead budgies in my life. 807 00:40:34,840 --> 00:40:37,560 We had two blue budgies, one called Manchester 808 00:40:37,560 --> 00:40:38,960 and one called City. 809 00:40:40,440 --> 00:40:42,920 When I was a kid. And what happened was... 810 00:40:42,920 --> 00:40:45,480 The door was open and it had gone for it, flown out 811 00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:47,360 and it broke its leg. 812 00:40:47,360 --> 00:40:48,880 ALL GASP 813 00:40:48,880 --> 00:40:52,000 So we managed to... My dad, with two little matchsticks, managed 814 00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:55,200 to make a little splint and put it back in its cage, honestly... 815 00:40:55,200 --> 00:40:56,920 Back in its cage! 816 00:40:56,920 --> 00:40:58,800 This is such rubbish, man! 817 00:41:00,680 --> 00:41:03,760 - Made a little splint?! - A little splint for its leg, right, 818 00:41:03,760 --> 00:41:06,440 and then put it back in its cage but obviously it couldn't stand 819 00:41:06,440 --> 00:41:08,720 on its perch anymore, so we had to just leave it on the 820 00:41:08,720 --> 00:41:10,480 - bottom of the cage... - In agony. 821 00:41:10,480 --> 00:41:13,640 It was sort of fine, it had stopped whistling, you know, but... 822 00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:17,280 Did it have crutches as well? 823 00:41:17,280 --> 00:41:19,320 No, no, don't be ridiculous! 824 00:41:19,320 --> 00:41:21,360 LAUGHTER 825 00:41:21,360 --> 00:41:23,480 One afternoon, my mum came in from work 826 00:41:23,480 --> 00:41:25,920 and it had toppled into its water bowl and drowned. 827 00:41:25,920 --> 00:41:27,240 ALL GROAN 828 00:41:27,240 --> 00:41:29,840 Just a little splint sticking up out of the bowl. 829 00:41:31,440 --> 00:41:34,000 And a very merry Christmas to you all. 830 00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:41,200 Yes, the only thing worse than spilling red wine 831 00:41:41,200 --> 00:41:44,200 is wasting good white wine trying to clean it up. 832 00:41:44,200 --> 00:41:46,200 And with that, we come to the end of the show, 833 00:41:46,200 --> 00:41:47,720 so let's have a look at the scores. 834 00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:51,160 Oh, my goodness, it's a Christmas miracle - 835 00:41:51,160 --> 00:41:53,560 everybody came first equal! 836 00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:56,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 837 00:42:04,160 --> 00:42:07,760 Thanks to Holly, Jason, Romesh and Alan. 838 00:42:07,760 --> 00:42:11,120 But before we go, I've got one last Christmas present. 839 00:42:11,120 --> 00:42:13,360 I absolutely love Christmas singing, 840 00:42:13,360 --> 00:42:15,520 so I wonder if there is anyone in the audience 841 00:42:15,520 --> 00:42:16,960 who's a member of a choir? 842 00:42:19,040 --> 00:42:20,080 - What?! - Wow! 843 00:42:21,040 --> 00:42:22,800 OK. Put your hands up, 844 00:42:22,800 --> 00:42:24,880 how many of you know We Wish You A Merry Christmas? 845 00:42:25,840 --> 00:42:30,720 OK. So here is my gift to you - the QI audience choir, 846 00:42:30,720 --> 00:42:32,400 conducted by Neville Creed. 847 00:42:34,160 --> 00:42:38,080 # We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas 848 00:42:38,080 --> 00:42:42,040 # We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year 849 00:42:42,040 --> 00:42:46,360 # Good tidings we bring To you and your kin 850 00:42:46,360 --> 00:42:50,280 # We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year 851 00:42:50,280 --> 00:42:54,280 # Now bring us some figgy pudding Now bring us some figgy pudding 852 00:42:54,280 --> 00:42:58,200 # Now bring us some figgy pudding And bring some out here 853 00:42:58,200 --> 00:43:02,440 # Good tidings we bring To you and your kin 854 00:43:02,440 --> 00:43:06,600 # We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year 855 00:43:06,600 --> 00:43:10,680 # We all like figgy pudding We all like figgy pudding 856 00:43:10,680 --> 00:43:14,800 # We all like figgy pudding So bring some out here 857 00:43:14,800 --> 00:43:18,880 # Good tidings we bring To you and your kin 858 00:43:18,880 --> 00:43:23,040 # We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year 859 00:43:23,040 --> 00:43:25,160 # And we won't go until we've had some 860 00:43:25,160 --> 00:43:27,040 # We won't go until we've had some 861 00:43:27,040 --> 00:43:31,080 # We won't go until we've had some So bring some out here 862 00:43:31,080 --> 00:43:35,200 # Good tidings we bring To you and your kin 863 00:43:35,200 --> 00:43:39,440 # We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year 864 00:43:39,440 --> 00:43:41,400 # A happy new year 865 00:43:41,400 --> 00:43:49,280 # We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy New Year. # 866 00:43:49,280 --> 00:43:51,880 APPLAUSE 867 00:43:55,280 --> 00:43:57,520 ALL: Merry Christmas!