1 00:00:26,080 --> 00:00:29,080 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:35,760 Good evening and welcome to QI 3 00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:40,560 for a truly original episode about origins and openings. 4 00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:43,560 Please welcome, with open arms, the open-eyed Rich Hall. 5 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:46,160 APPLAUSE 6 00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:51,200 The open-minded Susan Calman. 7 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:53,280 APPLAUSE 8 00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:57,560 The open-mouthed Josh Widdicombe. 9 00:00:57,560 --> 00:00:59,400 APPLAUSE 10 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:04,920 And opening a can of worms, it's Alan Davies. 11 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:07,160 APPLAUSE 12 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:13,200 So, without further ado, I declare the show open. 13 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:14,440 Rich goes... 14 00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:20,360 GRIEG'S PIANO CONCERTO 15 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:23,880 That's lovely. 16 00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:27,160 - I have to wait for all of that before I can answer? - Yes. 17 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:28,320 Susan goes... 18 00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:34,440 DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC 19 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:40,120 Some of the greatest openings in the world. Josh goes... 20 00:01:40,120 --> 00:01:44,320 BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY 21 00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:45,880 Alan goes... 22 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:49,840 MUPPET SHOW OPENING THEME 23 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:55,320 APPLAUSE 24 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:58,080 Right, I'd like you to act out the opening scene 25 00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:01,560 of the classic film All Together Passionately. 26 00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:04,160 Sorry, am I on the wrong show? 27 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:07,200 I mean, I'm happy to do it, as long as I can go on top. 28 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:11,440 I think you should speak to Josh. 29 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:13,880 As long as you've got a cushion, I'm fine with it. 30 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:17,560 Anybody know All Together Passionately? 31 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:19,520 - A great film. - It's not ringing any bells. 32 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:22,600 It is the Italian name, I will tell you, for a very famous film. 33 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:26,360 Tutti Insieme Appassionatamente. 34 00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:29,200 I'll be honest, if anything, I'm further away from the answer. 35 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:32,440 - OK, if I do this... - The Passion of the Christ. 36 00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:34,160 - No. - Titanic. - Titanic? 37 00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:37,160 No, and I'm twirling around on top of an Austrian mountain... 38 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:38,320 Oh, The Sound Of Music. 39 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:40,800 The Sound Of Music. It is the Italian name... 40 00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:43,480 There's no Italian phrase for the sound of music? 41 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:46,320 Apparently, that's what they called it, All Together Passionately. 42 00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:47,520 In Italy? 43 00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:50,400 That sounds like a film you wouldn't watch on a train. 44 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:53,200 - Do you watch a lot of films on trains? - Lots of them. You have to... 45 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:55,800 Oh, yes, because you don't fly, so you spend your life on a train. 46 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:58,280 Yes, so you have to be very careful sometimes if you have a film 47 00:02:58,280 --> 00:02:59,320 with a bit of... 48 00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:02,920 - Naughtiness. - ..naughtiness. You have to turn it to the window. 49 00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:05,240 Does anybody here cry at movies on planes 50 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:07,480 that you wouldn't normally cry at? 51 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:10,000 Like Paul Blart - Mall Cop, that's... 52 00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:13,040 I'm in floods. Floods! 53 00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:15,400 Not just at movies, sometimes just a credit card ad. 54 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,160 Like, "Oh, my God, she lost her... 55 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:19,280 "Oh, she got it back. Thank God!" 56 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:23,760 So many emotions to handle in one commercial! 57 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:25,680 Well, here is a thing about The Sound Of Music. 58 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:29,680 It was so popular in South Korea when it was first released, 59 00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:33,240 one theatre owner in Seoul made the film shorter 60 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:35,240 by cutting out all the musical numbers... 61 00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:37,600 LAUGHTER 62 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:40,120 ..so they could show it more often. 63 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:42,000 Do you know what? I've never seen it. 64 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:44,000 - GASPS - Josh! 65 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,560 - Oh, really, never? - You've never seen... 66 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:49,520 - THROATILY: - # You are 16, going on 17... # 67 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:51,600 Yeah, it's like that, but with a tune. 68 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:55,360 APPLAUSE 69 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:01,360 In 2004, the Sun reportedly saw a leaked document - 70 00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:04,000 we don't know if it's true - that in the event of a nuclear bomb 71 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:07,280 going off, the advice is going to be to stay indoors and watch television. 72 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:09,440 And apparently, BBC bunkers will broadcast 73 00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:14,240 - The Sound Of Music for 100 days, or until we're all dead. - Wow. 74 00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:17,440 You're all going to go, "I've seen it." That's when I cash in! 75 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:21,720 Do you know, I was once lucky enough to meet Julie Andrews? 76 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,920 It's the only time in my entire life I have been completely speechless. 77 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:26,960 Because she wouldn't shut up? 78 00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:29,520 Kept harping on about what her favourite things were. 79 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:30,640 It was very annoying. 80 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:38,680 - COCKNEY: - "Do you like them tied up with string? 81 00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:41,760 "I bet you do, girl! I bet you do! 82 00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:44,960 "What's a deer? What's a female deer? Come on!" 83 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:46,920 Julie, leave it alone! 84 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:50,880 "I'll get the puppets out. I'll get the puppets out! 85 00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:52,720 "Do you want to see the goat herd? 86 00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:56,520 " # High on the hill... # It wasn't me singing. 87 00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:57,760 " # High on the hill... # 88 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:01,600 "I'm Maria. I'll be back with you. I'm Maria." 89 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:05,840 Shut up, Julie! God! 90 00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:08,320 APPLAUSE 91 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:16,000 I'll be honest, I understood none of that. 92 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:20,160 OK, let's try five more original movie titles. 93 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:23,840 The top one, I can tell you, Please Don't Touch The Old Women, 94 00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:26,360 an Italian version of a famous film. 95 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:27,560 Is it Cocoon? 96 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:31,760 No! 97 00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:33,200 It's The Producers. 98 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,320 - What?! - The Producers. 99 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:38,200 Yes. Because, you know, the whole thing is about him raising money 100 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:41,320 from the old women, so I guess that's the bit they most focused on. 101 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:44,200 Try the next one - this is the Brazilian title of a famous film. 102 00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:45,600 11 Men And A Secret. 103 00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:48,760 Ah, it was 12 Angry Men, but one of them is transgender. 104 00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:59,520 - Ocean's Eleven. - It is Ocean's Eleven, you're absolutely right. 105 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:02,600 - Yay! - OK, this one is also Italian, this next one. 106 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,240 Don't Open That Door! 107 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:06,800 Das Boot. 108 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:10,880 APPLAUSE 109 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:15,040 It's The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. 110 00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:18,960 Right, this next one is Chinese. 111 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:21,120 I'll be honest, when you say which country it's from, 112 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:23,560 it's of no relevance. "Oh, it's Chinese, oh, yes." 113 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:24,920 It's Chinese, yes. His Great... 114 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:26,560 MUPPET SHOW OPENING THEME Yes? 115 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:28,800 The Man With The Golden Gun. 116 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,320 Come on! 117 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:31,760 No, it's Boogie Nights. 118 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:32,800 Oh! 119 00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:38,480 No, no, no, no! 120 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:40,760 Would you like to see my great device? 121 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:45,080 - That's horrific. - OK, let's try a few the other way round. 122 00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:47,560 I want you to think of better titles for these actual films. 123 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:49,400 So Jaws, I have the French title, 124 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:51,720 but what do you think would be a better title for Jaws? 125 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:53,760 Angry Halibut. 126 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:59,160 That was the original screenplay, it wasn't about a shark at all. 127 00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:00,320 It's a furious halibut. 128 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:03,440 A Large Expanse Of Water That's Still On The Surface. 129 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:06,760 So the French title of Jaws is The Teeth From The Sea. 130 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,480 - Teeth From The Sea. - Try this one. 131 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:10,880 Free Willy - any better titles for that? 132 00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:13,080 Oh! The Device Made Him Famous. 133 00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:14,840 I don't know. 134 00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:16,720 Release The Penis. 135 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:21,480 The Chinese title is A Very Powerful Whale Runs to Heaven. 136 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:26,480 - Quite... - It's like something you'd get in a fortune cookie. 137 00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:28,920 It's quite literal, isn't it? Yes. Bad Santa? 138 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:31,520 Anybody got a better title for Bad Santa? 139 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:33,480 - Good Santa. - Good Santa. 140 00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:36,000 The Czech Republic is Santa Is A Pervert. 141 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:38,040 LAUGHTER 142 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:44,680 Die Hard was released in Germany as Die Slowly, 143 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:48,680 in Greece as Very Hard To Die and in Norway as Action Skyscraper. 144 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:52,640 And SpongeBob Squarepants was originally going to be 145 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:53,960 SpongeBob Ahoy, 146 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,880 but that turned out to be the copyright for the name of a mop 147 00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:58,760 and so they couldn't have that. 148 00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:02,160 That's true. And Lion King's working title was King Of The Jungle. 149 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:06,120 - Why does that not work as a title, King Of The Jungle? - Cos... - Cos? 150 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:09,720 - ..the lion... - Yes? - ..is not... - Yes? - ..in the jungle. 151 00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:12,200 Correct, it does not live in the jungle. 152 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,120 So King Of The Jungle would be something else. 153 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:16,640 - I've never seen The Lion King. - Oh, my God! - Have you not? - No. 154 00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:18,560 GASPS Ooh. 155 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:22,360 - I know! - Oh, it's not so nice when it happens to you, is it? - Yeah. 156 00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:26,880 Now, what's the most original idea in this book? 157 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:29,440 - What year is this? - 1831, it was published. 158 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:33,400 This fella, Patrick Matthew, is he by any chance Scottish? 159 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:36,480 - He is, he's a Scottish, or was... - From near Scone. 160 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:39,960 - ..a Scottish horticulturalist. - Yes. - And what is he famous for? 161 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:42,960 I think he came up with some of the ideas which Darwin then 162 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,080 took on in The Origin Of The Species. 163 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:49,120 Well, you are right and not right, in that he did have the original 164 00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:52,680 ideas about natural selection being the mechanism for evolution, 165 00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:56,600 but Darwin had no idea that Matthew had come up with this. 166 00:08:56,600 --> 00:09:00,240 So 30 years later, we're 1860, this guy is reading a review 167 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:03,680 in Gardeners' Chronicle about Darwin's Origin Of The Species, 168 00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:06,360 and it said, "Darwin professes to have discovered the existence 169 00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:08,560 "and the modus operandi of natural selection," 170 00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:11,480 and he wrote to complain, saying that he had already written about this. 171 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:15,640 And Darwin wrote back and said, "I had no idea, I've never, ever read your work." 172 00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:18,840 Oh, come on, Darwin! 173 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:21,480 And not only did Matthew get there before Darwin, 174 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:23,960 lots of his ideas were proved in the end to be more correct. 175 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:27,360 But there are actually three people who are thought to have independently 176 00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:29,360 discovered the principle of natural selection 177 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:30,880 as the mechanism for speciation. 178 00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:34,880 - Wallace? - Matthew, Darwin and Alfred Russel Wallace... - Yes. 179 00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:37,760 ..who also comes up with the idea about five years before Darwin. 180 00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:39,160 Wallace wrote an essay 181 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:42,280 and Darwin very quickly then wrote On The Origin Of The Species, because 182 00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:45,840 he wanted to make sure that he got his stuff out before anybody else. 183 00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:48,440 Darwin very much emphasised competition between individuals 184 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:50,960 of the same species, and Wallace emphasised environmental 185 00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:53,160 pressures, and in fact probably they were both right. 186 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:56,240 - He looks friendlier than the other two, the middle one. - Yeah, he looks nice. 187 00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:59,960 - He looks like you could go to him with a problem. - Yeah. 188 00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:03,440 The other two...the other two would be like, "Sort it out, Susan." Yeah. 189 00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:07,240 So all three of these guys are proponents of natural selection 190 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:10,600 - and that we evolve in order to survive? - Yeah. 191 00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:13,880 But they all have hair growing out of their ears. 192 00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:17,680 Well, sometimes, personal grooming can just fall by the wayside, Rich. 193 00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:20,840 Recently I've stopped plucking my toe hair, because I just... 194 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:24,640 ..can't do it any more. 195 00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:26,760 - It's a bit like a euphemism. - I used to, I used to... 196 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:31,600 - You can't reach or...? - No, I used to, I used to... 197 00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:34,320 She's got like a selfie stick with tweezers on it. 198 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:38,200 I have quite hairy toes and I used to pluck them, 199 00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:40,520 for fear of upsetting people, and then I stepped 200 00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:42,880 out of the house one day in a pair of sandals, and you've 201 00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:46,880 never lived until you've felt the wind through the hair on your toes. 202 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:49,520 And after that, I thought, "To hang with social convention, 203 00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:51,280 "I'm just going to let it go." 204 00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:58,640 So, when Darwin had The Origin Of The Species published, he gave the 205 00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:02,720 original manuscript to his children to use as scrap drawing paper 206 00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:07,240 - and the only surviving pages are illustrated by his children. - Ah. 207 00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:10,040 There's a drawing of a fish with legs carrying an umbrella, 208 00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:12,600 there's men riding horses made of vegetables. 209 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,880 And they wrote short stories on the paper. 210 00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:17,000 The Fairies Of The Mountain is one story. 211 00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:18,440 "Two fairies travel to the sun, 212 00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:21,000 "where they find that life has adapted to the environment." 213 00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:24,920 So I like the idea that they thought, "Oh, it must be different on the sun, they must evolve." 214 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:27,680 - They'd obviously read it before they drew on it. - Yes, I think so. 215 00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:30,120 Anyway, what did Mr First think of Mr Second? 216 00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:34,120 Oh! Didn't like him. 217 00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:36,480 Also, what's wrong with this picture? 218 00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:38,520 That's a very unrealistic snake. 219 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,080 Well, that wasn't my first thing, but, yes, 220 00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:43,640 that is a very unrealistic snake. 221 00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:46,600 That hair would be difficult to keep control of in damp weather. 222 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:50,960 - Yeah. - Yeah. You should see their hairy toes - all over the shop. 223 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:54,760 It was in the very first QI ever. 224 00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:57,040 Oh, don't ask me. 225 00:11:57,040 --> 00:12:00,440 - It'll be to do with Adam cos it'll be A, right? - Yes. 226 00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:04,160 So the very first man and therefore? He wouldn't have a... 227 00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:06,480 - Oh, a bellybutton! - He wouldn't have a bellybutton. - Oh. 228 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:08,520 - And also, what are they eating? - A peach. - Apples. 229 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:11,680 Apples, there are no apples mentioned anywhere in the Bible whatsoever. 230 00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:14,640 - So what was the forbidden fruit then? - We have no idea. It doesn't say. 231 00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:16,920 Anyway, he's not the Mr First that we are talking about, 232 00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:19,800 the first person that we are talking about is Omero Catan, 233 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,760 an American man who claimed 234 00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:25,240 to have been the first person at over 500 opening events, 235 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:27,080 and he was known as Mr First. 236 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:30,000 And his brother Michael very occasionally took his place, 237 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,080 and he was known as Mr Second. 238 00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:34,360 But the rivalry between the two was truly terrible. 239 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,320 So he would just turn up at openings? 240 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:39,800 So, when he was 13 years old, Omero Catan heard of a family friend 241 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:43,200 who had been the very first to cross the Brooklyn Bridge when it opened, 242 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:46,600 so that is 1883, and that inspired him, one year later, 243 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:49,720 when he was 14, to become the very first American passenger 244 00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:51,960 aboard the Graf Zeppelin. 245 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:55,000 There it is, the Graf Zeppelin. Look at that thing! 246 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:58,200 You could fit three 747s on one of those airships. 247 00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:01,280 But he was the very first American passenger to fly the Atlantic 248 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:02,560 - in that airship. - Yeah. 249 00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:04,720 Which took four and a half days, in those days. 250 00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:07,600 And then he rose to fame, he did all sorts of things. 251 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,960 He set up camp outside the Lincoln Tunnel for four days 252 00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:11,760 so he could be the first to drive through. 253 00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:14,760 He was the first person to buy a ticket for the 8th Avenue Subway, 254 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:17,520 first person to skate on the Rockefeller ice rink, first person 255 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:20,080 to drive across the Hudson Tappan Zee Bridge, and the 256 00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:22,480 first person to put a quarter in a New York parking meter. 257 00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:24,800 - You should never be first to do things like that. - Why not? 258 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:27,840 Because the danger aspect. You wait until a lot of people have done it, 259 00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:30,440 and then you know it's safe, and then you pop on. 260 00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:33,040 It's so good Neil Armstrong didn't make that speech. 261 00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:38,560 Oh, I bet he hates Neil Armstrong, doesn't he, Mr First? 262 00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:40,920 No, actually, he said, "I wouldn't have had the nerve," 263 00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:43,120 is what he said about Neil Armstrong when he was asked. 264 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:46,640 I bet Mr First is an absolute bore at dinner parties. 265 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:49,760 - Yes. - "I've been here ages!" 266 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:53,520 But what happened was, in 1945, the third Lincoln Tunnel opened, 267 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:57,200 and Mr First was in the UK. And so his brother, Michael, 268 00:13:57,200 --> 00:14:00,080 was asked if he would be there in his place. 269 00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:04,080 He began to step in more and more regularly, and the papers started 270 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:08,160 to give them equal status, and Mr Second became Mr First. 271 00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:09,600 GASPS 272 00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:11,840 Terrible tensions. Terrible tensions between them! 273 00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:14,080 - Oh, my God. - Omero became convinced that 274 00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:16,080 his brother was trying to steal the limelight. 275 00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:18,880 There were offers from Hollywood to make a movie, he wouldn't have it 276 00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:21,200 because he didn't want his brother to get equal billing, 277 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:24,720 and his very last "first" was a drive through the newly-opened 278 00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:29,360 I-595 highway from Fort Lauderdale Hollywood International Airport 279 00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:30,760 to the Everglades. 280 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:33,720 - Not one of his classics, that, was it? - No. 281 00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:36,280 But in the last 20 years of his life, 282 00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:38,840 the brothers lived 20 minutes apart and they wouldn't speak. 283 00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:40,520 You'd think one of them would go, 284 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:43,880 - "I was the first to get back in touch! Unlucky!" - Yeah. 285 00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:46,360 So have you done no firsts at all, Susan? 286 00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:48,760 I was the first person ever to get 100% in the Currys 287 00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:50,720 electrical superstore exam. 288 00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:52,960 - Wow! - Were you selling white goods? 289 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:55,240 I was in charge of microwaves and vacuum cleaners, 290 00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:57,600 with an overall ambit for white goods. 291 00:14:57,600 --> 00:15:00,520 I went down to Newcastle for a training course and you had to sit 292 00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:02,920 an exam in not only the goods itself, 293 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:05,920 - but also PMA - Positive Mental Attitude. - Ha! 294 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:08,640 Because everyone in Currys had to have a positive mental attitude, 295 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:11,800 and I had a cravat and a badge that said, "Susan, happy to help". 296 00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:17,280 And you got 100% in the exam? 297 00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:19,680 I was the only person to ever get 100%. 298 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:21,360 Josh, done any firsts at all? 299 00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:25,760 I once put a whole packet of Polo's in my mouth. 300 00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:28,160 - That's less impressive. - That way? 301 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:33,760 Oh, I opened it, so it was just 20 Polo's. I wasn't like... 302 00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:38,120 Rich, have you done any firsts of any kind? 303 00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:41,680 I was the first person to Google myself to see if I was still alive. 304 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,200 - And were you? - Yeah. - Yeah. 305 00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:49,520 If you Google "Rich Hall", my name will come up first 306 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:53,720 and the second is a dormitory at Boston University. 307 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:57,680 But last week, if you went on like Twitter or something, it said, 308 00:15:57,680 --> 00:16:00,800 "Rich Hall was on fire last night." 309 00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:03,480 And I was in Aylesbury, and I thought it was... 310 00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:05,880 - But it's actually the dormitory caught fire. - Oh. 311 00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:08,160 Just cut out the headline, it's a great review. 312 00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:10,000 - Yeah, it's still going on my poster. - Yeah. 313 00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:12,600 I think that's a wonderful thing. Have you done any firsts? 314 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,600 No, but someone did send me a thing to a website 315 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:16,720 and it said I died in 1997. 316 00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:21,440 That was at Jongleurs. 317 00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:24,440 I was the first person to do stand-up in Stockholm. 318 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,400 They had got the old Royal Yacht Britannia 319 00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:28,480 and they'd turned it into a stand-up club. 320 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:31,600 And I went out to complete silence, I mean not a laugh, just total silence. 321 00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:35,280 And I finished by saying, "I've been Sandi Toksvig, thank you very much, good night." 322 00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:38,080 And they went nuts, they went crazy. The audience were going wild. 323 00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,360 - Is that cos you were leaving? - Clapping, clapping... 324 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:42,360 Well, I had no idea what was going on, 325 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:44,400 so I went backstage and the organiser says, 326 00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:46,560 "Oh, you were so funny, it was very, very funny." 327 00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:49,840 I said, "But nobody laughed." "No, we didn't like to interrupt." 328 00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:57,120 I've got an audience that doesn't like to interrupt 329 00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:58,480 all round the country. 330 00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:00,520 This whole thing about people want... 331 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,960 - None of these people want to go to Mars. - Yeah, why? 332 00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:07,760 I'll tell you why, just so they can dominate every conversation afterwards. 333 00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:11,160 "I've been to Mars!" 334 00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:14,960 There's not much point in going to Mars. 335 00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:17,600 Oh, it would be awful. They're going... "It's got water." 336 00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:20,720 That is the... If you went, "I'm moving." "What's it like?" 337 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:23,760 "Well, they've got water." That's the bare minimum! 338 00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:25,640 They're going to habitatise it. 339 00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:28,680 - Habitatise? Is that a thing? - Yeah. Habitatise. 340 00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:31,240 Put loads of furniture from Habitat on it. 341 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:38,360 I'm going to wait till they find a planet that has Diet Sprite on it. 342 00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:41,400 Yeah, I would need a planet that had Angel Delight. 343 00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:44,080 Oh, have you set fire to Angel Delight? Have we discussed that? 344 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:45,920 What? 345 00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:48,120 Butt out, Josh. Yes, it's very good. 346 00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:49,400 - It's good, isn't it? - Yes. 347 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,520 Do you set fire to the powder, or when it's made? 348 00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:53,240 So, what you do... Don't do this, OK, 349 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,280 cos it's really dangerous, but it's fun. 350 00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:57,360 So, what you do is, you get some of the powder 351 00:17:57,360 --> 00:18:00,920 and you put a tea light on the floor and then from a height, sprinkle the 352 00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:05,120 powder and it does a phosphorescence, a little kind of... It's marvellous. 353 00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:08,240 I tell you what, tomorrow morning, the supermarkets are going to go, 354 00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:11,280 "Angel Delight's suddenly very popular." 355 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:15,120 "Get some more tea lights and some more Angel Delight. 356 00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:18,400 "It's going crazy in here!" 357 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:20,800 Don't do it, do not do it. 358 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:24,840 Mr First hated Mr Second because, when Mr First was seconded, 359 00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:27,240 Mr Second started coming first. 360 00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:30,440 What's the worst thing that can happen when you open something? 361 00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:33,480 Well, if it's the gentleman that pressed the button 362 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:36,560 on the Virgin Train from Glasgow to London, he'd say 363 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:39,560 it's seeing me on the toilet, which is what happened today. 364 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,440 Those doors take so long to open! 365 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,680 Especially... If you're a gentleman, you can go, "Oh, gosh!" 366 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:54,760 If you're a lady, you just have to sit and go... 367 00:18:57,640 --> 00:18:59,360 But the problem is... 368 00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:02,560 The problem is, because I'm so short, my legs were swinging. 369 00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:04,440 LAUGHTER 370 00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:08,640 I love that you felt you needed to explain that to ME! 371 00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:13,400 We used to take the train to visit my aunt in California 372 00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:14,880 and it took five days to get there, 373 00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:17,360 and so it's quite boring for children, so what we used to do 374 00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:19,400 was go to the toilet on the train, and then flush, 375 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,200 and then run to the back of the train. 376 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:23,760 And there was a little sort of platform, and you could watch all 377 00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:25,880 the toilet paper rushing out across the desert. 378 00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:30,080 The most marvellous entertainment for children. It was very good. 379 00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,760 When did you grow up?! 380 00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:35,680 It was a black and white time. 381 00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:39,520 I was born in 1958. 382 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:41,000 That is astonishing. 383 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:43,160 - What, that I'm still working? - Five days! No... 384 00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:48,080 Josh, just a wee thing for you, sweetie pie. See when a woman 385 00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:51,320 talks about her past, don't go, "When did you grow up?!" 386 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:54,080 I was... 387 00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:56,120 Like it's the 18th century. 388 00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:57,760 In the '60s, yes. 389 00:19:57,760 --> 00:19:59,200 No, that's what I presumed. 390 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:02,600 - I presumed the '70s or '80s, actually. - Thank you. 391 00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:04,520 And this week's winner is Josh! 392 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:09,360 APPLAUSE 393 00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:13,160 OK, what's the worst thing that can happen when you open something? 394 00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:14,800 Is it something that begins with O? 395 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:17,000 Well, it's lots of opening nights that have not 396 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:21,120 - gone as well as possible. - Oh. - So the O-lympics, we could start with. 397 00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:24,600 - There will be no doves at the Tokyo 2020... - Oh, no! 398 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:29,040 ..which is because they were banned after the 1988 Seoul Olympics, 399 00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:31,600 when instead of flying out, as this photograph suggests... 400 00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:33,000 GASPS 401 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,440 ..into the sky, they decided to perch on the huge saucer 402 00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:38,360 in the centre of the stadium with the Olympic Flame, 403 00:20:38,360 --> 00:20:41,280 and several birds were incinerated. 404 00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:44,960 - You say incinerated, do you mean roasted? - I do, yes. 405 00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:48,640 - Mm! Just a little bit more! - Absolutely delicious. 406 00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:51,800 Most delicious opening ceremony I've ever been at! 407 00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:54,560 - Opening night of BBC Two was a disaster. - Oh, that's... 408 00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:55,760 There was a power outage 409 00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:58,440 and the whole of Television Centre went dark that night. 410 00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:00,920 But the best bit of the story is, to publicise the launch, 411 00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:03,120 they had been using a graphic of a kangaroo. 412 00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:06,280 So the kangaroo represented BBC One and then, in the pouch, 413 00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:08,200 the little joey is BBC Two. 414 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:11,120 So they thought, "For opening night, let's get some real kangaroos..." 415 00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:12,760 - Oh, no. - "..in the studio". 416 00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:14,640 And they had just got them into the lift 417 00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:17,120 and pressed the button at the moment when the power went... 418 00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:19,000 Oh, my word! 419 00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:21,480 ..and, apparently, the kangaroos went berserk! 420 00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:26,040 I'd like to think that there was just some guy in the lift, 421 00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:27,600 going, "Oh, my God!" 422 00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:31,640 Also, some opening nights of plays have been disastrous. 423 00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:34,720 So Balzac wrote a play called Les Ressources De Quinola, 424 00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:39,880 and it opened to a completely empty house on March 19th, 1842. 425 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:42,600 So he had hoped to create a buzz about the play, 426 00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:45,840 and he told everybody that the tickets were sold out, 427 00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:47,440 it was impossible to get a ticket. 428 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:50,080 - Oh, no! - So nobody bothered. - Oh, no! 429 00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:52,320 - Yeah. Nobody came. - Did they do the play? 430 00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:54,440 Well, the Equity rule is you don't have to do the play 431 00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:57,360 if there are fewer members in the audience than there are in the play, 432 00:21:57,360 --> 00:21:58,840 - so whether it was... - That's true. 433 00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:02,120 Once, I was doing a gig at Willesden Library Centre... 434 00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:05,080 LAUGHTER 435 00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:07,360 Bill Bailey was there, in The Rubber Bishops. 436 00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:09,480 So there was the two of them, I think Bob Mills, me, 437 00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:12,480 someone else, and then there were seven people in the audience. 438 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:15,560 So we're thinking, "Oh, shit, there's more of them than there are of us." 439 00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:17,400 And then this couple came over to us and said, 440 00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:19,120 "Would it help if we left?" 441 00:22:19,120 --> 00:22:20,680 LAUGHTER 442 00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:25,560 And we said, "As a matter of fact, technically, it would." 443 00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:27,960 So they left, and we didn't have to do the gig! 444 00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:33,800 At the Fringe you, contractually, if one punter turns up, 445 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:39,320 you have to do your 55-minute show directly to them. 446 00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:42,880 And what could be a light-hearted show could become 447 00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:45,920 quite an aggressive diatribe. 448 00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:49,320 Just saying, "So this happened to me, 449 00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:51,960 "and then this happened to me." 450 00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:53,840 And they don't want to leave, 451 00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:56,960 because you're clearly distressed at this point. 452 00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:58,880 I had a friend who, at one point, 453 00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:01,200 was doing exactly that to one person, 454 00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:04,280 and she turned round at one point to pick up a prop and turned round 455 00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:07,000 and she just saw him sprinting. 456 00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:12,560 I remember going to see Arthur Smith doing a show in Edinburgh 457 00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:15,160 and it was 50p to get in, and he'd go round... 458 00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:18,600 As the audience were coming in, he was offering everyone a quid to go. 459 00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:24,400 So, when Disneyland opened, the very first Disneyland in California, 460 00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:29,040 July 17th, 1955, it's known as Black Sunday because so much went wrong. 461 00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:32,520 The first thing was there were 15,000 gate-crashers. 462 00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:35,200 Apparently, it was incredibly easy to counterfeit the tickets, 463 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:38,240 plus somebody got a ladder to the parking lot 464 00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:40,600 and people could pay 5 to climb over the hedge. 465 00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:44,240 The asphalt had been poured at 6.00 that morning, 466 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:46,720 so all the guests' shoes got stuck in it. 467 00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:49,960 There was a circus parade in which a tiger and a panther broke loose 468 00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:53,240 - and had a fight. - I mean, if they're going to break loose, 469 00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:55,760 - at least they've cancelled each other out. - Yes. 470 00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:58,440 Yeah, lucky there were two of them out - 471 00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:00,960 not the tiger looking for a fight. 472 00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:05,480 "Release the panther! The tiger's already out!" 473 00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:07,760 There was a plumbers' strike and so they had to choose 474 00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:10,000 between drinking fountains and flushing toilets. 475 00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:11,880 - Definitely flushing toilets. - Yeah! 476 00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:13,960 If I go to someone's house, "Have you got a toilet?" 477 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:15,960 "No, but I've got a drinking fountain." 478 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:18,440 There's a drinking fountain, 479 00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:21,520 but Susan Calman's sitting on it at the moment. 480 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:24,520 The premiere of Pinocchio in 1940 is one of my favourite stories. 481 00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:26,240 So Disney had had a huge success 482 00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:28,960 with the opening of Snow White, and so they thought they would hire 483 00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:32,000 11 people of restricted growth, and they put them on the roof of the 484 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:35,560 theatre in Pinocchio costumes, they were to just dance around, entertain. 485 00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:38,120 It was a fantastically hot day, so it was lunchtime, 486 00:24:38,120 --> 00:24:40,720 so they hoisted up a load of beer to try and calm them down a bit. 487 00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:44,200 And by three o'clock, apparently, they were belching loudly 488 00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:47,600 and playing cards in the nude on the roof. 489 00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:53,160 They refused to either dress or come down, 490 00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:55,480 and police were sent up on ladders 491 00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:59,880 and, in the end, the 11 gentlemen were carted away in pillow cases. 492 00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:02,000 APPLAUSE 493 00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:09,680 Now, I'm open to a bit of artistic paper folding. 494 00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:12,680 Of course, the art of making folded paper models 495 00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:14,480 without cutting the paper comes from... 496 00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:15,680 Japan. 497 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:17,760 KLAXON 498 00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:22,200 - No. - I forgot about that bit! - Yes! 499 00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:25,400 It does not come from Japan. 500 00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:27,280 "Ori" means folding and "kami" means paper, 501 00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:29,920 so the word "origami" comes from Japan, that is correct. 502 00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:33,040 But Japanese paper folding was done with white paper, 503 00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:34,800 which was both folded and cut. 504 00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:37,760 The modern version, in which we only fold and we don't cut it, 505 00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:39,920 often done with the coloured paper on one side 506 00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:41,480 and the white paper on the other side. 507 00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:44,440 It's actually imported from German kindergartens into Japan, 508 00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:46,480 after Japan opened its borders in 1860. 509 00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:51,280 So the answer is that origami as we now understand it is German. 510 00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:53,960 - Is anybody good at origami? - I did that thing... - Oh, yeah, that one. 511 00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:56,160 The only thing I've done is that thing where it goes, 512 00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:57,480 "Pick a number, Josh". 513 00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:58,720 - Oh... - Three. - SUSAN MUMBLES 514 00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:00,280 - "Pick a colour." - Red. 515 00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:01,320 SUSAN MUMBLES 516 00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:04,000 "He fancies you!" That's all I've done. 517 00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:05,440 How is it so accurate?! 518 00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:13,040 - I've got some very good ones for you. So, Josh, you can have... - Oh! 519 00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:15,480 - A frog. - A little jumping frog. 520 00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:18,920 And, Rich, you have a jack rabbit. There's a jack rabbit for you. 521 00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:23,400 - And, Susan, you've got an elephant. - Oh! 522 00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:26,600 - And, Alan, what's this? - That's a blue whale. 523 00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:29,160 KLAXON 524 00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:31,200 APPLAUSE 525 00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:37,360 - No, THIS is a blue whale. - Oh, of course. 526 00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:41,760 All these years, still don't recognise it. 527 00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:44,440 There you are, there's your blue whale. 528 00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:48,080 These are rather good, these are origami sunglasses. There you are. 529 00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:51,280 - There's some origami sunglasses. - Thank you. - Thank you very much. 530 00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:54,360 I'm really not sure what the point of them is because you... 531 00:26:54,360 --> 00:26:56,760 You actually can't see anything at all. 532 00:26:56,760 --> 00:27:00,320 We've got some origami boomerangs. Do you want to give these a go? 533 00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:04,000 - Oh, yes, please. - Yeah. - OK, there's some origami boomerangs. 534 00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:07,240 There we go, have a go. OK, give it a go. 535 00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:10,040 - Do you want me to throw this? - Yeah. - Can I stand up for this? 536 00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:13,240 - Will it make a difference? - Yes. 537 00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:15,160 APPLAUSE 538 00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:21,280 I never get to say that to somebody else! OK, go. 539 00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:28,000 - Oh! Oh. - Oh, not bad, not bad, yes, very good. 540 00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:30,640 Right, Josh is off and running. 541 00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:33,560 Oh, that was very good. 542 00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:35,280 Rich, are you going to give it a go? 543 00:27:39,360 --> 00:27:40,720 I like yours. 544 00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:44,920 CHEERING 545 00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:52,920 A friend of mine, Chris Buddle, is brilliant at origami and he made... 546 00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:54,040 This is a little badge. 547 00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:57,200 It is a 1 bill, which he has made into a badge for me. 548 00:27:57,200 --> 00:27:58,240 Isn't it stunning? 549 00:27:58,240 --> 00:28:01,160 - And that is without any cutting, it's all folded and beautiful. - Wow! 550 00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:02,760 Josh, your frog is rather marvellous. 551 00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:05,520 If you press the back of it, it will... Yes. 552 00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:09,200 - Well, be less violent with it. - Oh, sorry. - It will jump. 553 00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:12,560 Be gentle, like you're touching a woman. 554 00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:15,160 Let me show you. Let me show you, darling. 555 00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:17,680 APPLAUSE 556 00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:22,520 I've never wanted someone to fail so much at anything! 557 00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:28,800 Right, so let's put our origami away, please. 558 00:28:28,800 --> 00:28:31,440 - Still playing. - My rabbit, look out for the car! 559 00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:33,680 ASTONISHED LAUGHTER 560 00:28:38,120 --> 00:28:41,400 Right. I've got oysters, ox horns, wood, 561 00:28:41,400 --> 00:28:43,240 and a walrus penis. 562 00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:44,680 What are my plans? 563 00:28:44,680 --> 00:28:48,320 That's like those old ads in Loot. "I've got... 564 00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:51,280 "..oysters...ox horns, wood, 565 00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:53,160 "and a walrus penis. 566 00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:56,760 "No time-wasters, please. 567 00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:00,880 "It's a set, I can't break it up." 568 00:29:05,560 --> 00:29:08,520 Sometimes I watch Nigella Lawson and she always goes, 569 00:29:08,520 --> 00:29:10,640 "I went to my pantry to make some supper 570 00:29:10,640 --> 00:29:14,120 "and I had what everyone has, which is some oysters, some oxtails, 571 00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:15,840 "some wood, and a walrus penis. 572 00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:18,280 "I'm going to make myself a frittata." 573 00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:21,680 It's like she's in the room! 574 00:29:23,920 --> 00:29:26,480 The answer is that all of those materials 575 00:29:26,480 --> 00:29:28,240 can be used to make windows. 576 00:29:28,240 --> 00:29:30,840 Can you imagine making windows out of penises? 577 00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:32,720 Well, let's start with the oyster. 578 00:29:32,720 --> 00:29:35,520 The windowpane oyster is found in the Philippines 579 00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:38,480 and the shells... Look at those beautiful windows, 580 00:29:38,480 --> 00:29:42,240 the stuff in-between the wood there is windowpane oyster. 581 00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:46,000 The shell lets 80% of the incident light through 582 00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:47,880 and it's been used for thousands of years. 583 00:29:47,880 --> 00:29:51,320 It's also incredibly strong. Despite being 99% calcite, 584 00:29:51,320 --> 00:29:54,400 which is a really brittle mineral, it can withstand multiple blows 585 00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:57,280 because of the way the material is structured. And it may have 586 00:29:57,280 --> 00:29:59,480 some uses for the military. They may even have a look at 587 00:29:59,480 --> 00:30:01,600 windowpane oysters for visors you can see through 588 00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:04,680 but are also bulletproof. You wouldn't think that from an oyster. 589 00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:06,280 - Isn't it beautiful? - It's a pity 590 00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:08,600 they put those two big pillars in front of it. 591 00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:12,480 Wood, you can have see-through wood. It's being developed, much stronger, 592 00:30:12,480 --> 00:30:15,280 and more insulating than glass, so we're not really 593 00:30:15,280 --> 00:30:18,320 interested in the leaves, but to show how much you can see through. 594 00:30:18,320 --> 00:30:21,360 What you do is you boil the wood in water, sodium hydroxide 595 00:30:21,360 --> 00:30:23,440 and other chemicals, to remove the lignin, 596 00:30:23,440 --> 00:30:25,520 so that's the bit that gives wood its colour. 597 00:30:25,520 --> 00:30:28,000 And then epoxy resin is poured over it to make it stronger. 598 00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:29,880 - But look how much you can see through. - Wow. 599 00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:32,200 And cow horn used for windows in medieval times. 600 00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:35,560 So all of that stuff between is cow horn, and it becomes translucent 601 00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:37,760 if you soak it in water for three months, 602 00:30:37,760 --> 00:30:39,560 and then it becomes malleable. 603 00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:42,120 Now, the walrus penis, and who hasn't wanted to think, 604 00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:45,080 - "What am I going to do with...?" - "Made a sofa out of the walrus..." 605 00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:47,760 Yes, historically used in the construction of Arctic dwellings. 606 00:30:47,760 --> 00:30:51,600 It's stretched over window openings a bit... I don't know how to say this. 607 00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:53,200 A bit like clingfilm, really. 608 00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:57,640 - It stretches out? - Well, it depends how excited the walrus is, really. 609 00:30:57,640 --> 00:30:58,960 Yes, it's a stretchy thing, 610 00:30:58,960 --> 00:31:01,640 and you can stretch it out and use it a bit like clingfilm. 611 00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:05,840 - So, it'd be the skin of the penis and not the...the...the... - Penis. 612 00:31:07,400 --> 00:31:11,680 - I don't know... - Doesn't feel good in your mouth, does it? 613 00:31:11,680 --> 00:31:13,640 APPLAUSE 614 00:31:18,520 --> 00:31:21,720 So, the walrus has to stand outside your window 615 00:31:21,720 --> 00:31:25,240 for the rest of its life, with its cock stretched out. 616 00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:32,040 A really annoyed walrus. 617 00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:34,920 - "How did I get this gig?" - "I'm not getting paid enough." 618 00:31:36,760 --> 00:31:39,640 There's a really wonderful, wonderful thing called Liter of Light, 619 00:31:39,640 --> 00:31:43,800 and it provides environmentally friendly and cheap lighting through the roofs of small houses. 620 00:31:43,800 --> 00:31:46,600 What you do is, you cut a small hole in the roof, 621 00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:49,080 you put a large plastic bottle full of water in it, 622 00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:51,720 so half the bottle is inside and half the bottle is outside. 623 00:31:51,720 --> 00:31:53,640 And the bottle acts like a prism. 624 00:31:53,640 --> 00:31:56,000 And in the daytime you get up to 40 to 60 watts of sunlight 625 00:31:56,000 --> 00:31:57,840 refracted into the house. 626 00:31:57,840 --> 00:32:00,080 - Isn't that...? A fantastic project, I think. - Clever. 627 00:32:00,080 --> 00:32:02,800 But you have to...you have to hold it up like that the whole... 628 00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:05,760 Yes, the whole time, yeah. 629 00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:08,720 With a walrus with his penis out. 630 00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:11,200 Every now and then one of them drops through and kills a child, 631 00:32:11,200 --> 00:32:13,280 but, apart from that, they're awesome. 632 00:32:13,280 --> 00:32:15,200 Largest window in the world, anybody? 633 00:32:15,200 --> 00:32:17,520 - Largest window in the world... - What is one you've seen? 634 00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:20,320 - I'll narrow it down - Paris. - Oh, in the Pompidou. 635 00:32:20,320 --> 00:32:23,200 No, it's in Notre Dame, it is the rose window in Notre Dame. 636 00:32:23,200 --> 00:32:25,880 - Oh, is it? - It's absolutely the largest window in the world. 637 00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:28,280 Did you see they've just announced that the world's 638 00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:32,040 largest passenger aircraft windows are going to be, in 2018, 639 00:32:32,040 --> 00:32:34,880 it's going to be four and a half feet by a foot and a half. 640 00:32:34,880 --> 00:32:37,400 - Oh, I wouldn't like that. - Would you not? - No, no. 641 00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:40,760 No. Too... I mean, you could fit out of that. 642 00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:42,040 I don't think they open. 643 00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:45,960 That's not a standard measurement of window. 644 00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:48,560 "Can we have the window one and a half Calmans, please?" 645 00:32:48,560 --> 00:32:52,360 Is it big enough to shove Susan out at 30,000 feet? 646 00:32:52,360 --> 00:32:54,520 - Is that what this is? - I never said I'd shove you out! 647 00:32:54,520 --> 00:32:57,880 It sounded like he wanted to throw me out of the plane, I'll be honest with you. 648 00:32:57,880 --> 00:33:01,640 I'll be honest, I never get in a London taxi without thinking about you, Susan, because? 649 00:33:01,640 --> 00:33:05,440 I can stand up completely straight in the back of a black cab. 650 00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:06,520 Wow! 651 00:33:06,520 --> 00:33:08,280 APPLAUSE 652 00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:14,720 Now for a question on job openings. 653 00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:19,520 What will be the first occupation done exclusively by robots? 654 00:33:19,520 --> 00:33:22,960 Oh, I hope it's not people on panel shows, otherwise... 655 00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:24,440 LAUGHTER 656 00:33:24,440 --> 00:33:28,320 - I would think something like surgery. - OK. Which kind of surgery? 657 00:33:28,320 --> 00:33:31,080 Keyhole heart surgery, maybe, something like that, 658 00:33:31,080 --> 00:33:34,440 or brain surgery, where they can be incredibly precise. 659 00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:38,440 - So, I need you to go the other end. - It would be...anal surgery. 660 00:33:39,560 --> 00:33:41,120 Wiping arses. 661 00:33:41,120 --> 00:33:45,000 You have to try and imagine that you are training to be a proctologist 662 00:33:45,000 --> 00:33:49,720 and you need to, at some point, have a look inside a rectum, 663 00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:52,000 that's going to be your basic training. 664 00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:56,720 Until recently, the UK has had only one registered 665 00:33:56,720 --> 00:34:01,120 rectal teaching assistant, who travels around the country, 666 00:34:01,120 --> 00:34:06,920 visiting medical schools and offering up his rectum to students. 667 00:34:06,920 --> 00:34:11,240 - Oh, no, Sandi. - Oh, yes. - But somebody says, "I'll do it!" 668 00:34:11,240 --> 00:34:13,080 It's a job. "Leave that with me." 669 00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:15,480 So, there are some problems with this. 670 00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:19,200 You'd definitely make up what you did for a living, wouldn't you? 671 00:34:19,200 --> 00:34:22,320 There are a few problems with this. First of all, the strain of training 672 00:34:22,320 --> 00:34:26,520 an entire country of doctors with one rectum, I think...is pressing. 673 00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:30,280 And then the problem with using a real person is that the professor, 674 00:34:30,280 --> 00:34:32,480 who is teaching you, can't really tell 675 00:34:32,480 --> 00:34:35,720 if you're doing it properly because they can't see what you're doing. 676 00:34:35,720 --> 00:34:37,280 Sorry, can I just...? 677 00:34:37,280 --> 00:34:41,760 - Sorry. For the profession of proctologist... - Yes. 678 00:34:41,760 --> 00:34:46,520 - ..everyone in the country... - Yeah. - ..is using the same person? 679 00:34:46,520 --> 00:34:50,560 - You can see the problem with this, can't you? - So... 680 00:34:50,560 --> 00:34:52,960 ..you apply for it, or does it...? 681 00:34:52,960 --> 00:34:54,840 Well, they only got one applicant. 682 00:34:56,120 --> 00:34:58,440 It's been a problem, so Imperial College 683 00:34:58,440 --> 00:35:00,440 have come up with a robotic rectum, 684 00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:02,520 so this guy can go home and sit down. 685 00:35:02,520 --> 00:35:05,200 There are tiny robotic arms that apply pressure 686 00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:07,600 to a silicon rectal passage. SUSAN SQUIRMS 687 00:35:07,600 --> 00:35:11,400 And then the hardware can be changed to different levels of difficulty. 688 00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:14,080 You can change the size and shape of the rectum... 689 00:35:15,480 --> 00:35:17,000 ..you can change the prostate. 690 00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:19,280 Eventually, you get to a boss fight at the end. 691 00:35:21,360 --> 00:35:24,600 And each one of these arseholes costs £25,000. 692 00:35:26,600 --> 00:35:30,360 So, once the current rectal teaching assistant retires, we will go from 693 00:35:30,360 --> 00:35:34,200 a workforce of one to a workforce of none, and there will be just robots. 694 00:35:34,200 --> 00:35:36,400 My arse definitely needs a good looking at. 695 00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:40,520 CONSTERNATED LAUGHTER 696 00:35:40,520 --> 00:35:43,880 I've been wondering what to give as a prize this evening. 697 00:35:49,720 --> 00:35:53,320 The UK's a rectal trailblazer in more ways than one. 698 00:35:53,320 --> 00:35:56,000 People who have rectums that no longer function 699 00:35:56,000 --> 00:35:59,680 - can be fitted with a bionic rectum. - Oh, yeah! 700 00:35:59,680 --> 00:36:02,640 They can fire out their shit over 40 feet! 701 00:36:05,160 --> 00:36:09,000 Or they just pull their pants down and launch themselves up. 702 00:36:10,720 --> 00:36:13,880 You know, like Steve Austin, they can get onto the roofs of buildings. 703 00:36:14,920 --> 00:36:17,880 MAKES LOUD FARTING NOISE 704 00:36:17,880 --> 00:36:20,760 So was the Six Million Dollar Man technically a robot? 705 00:36:20,760 --> 00:36:24,600 - Well, depends how much percentage... - He was a cyborg. - Cyborg, yeah. 706 00:36:24,600 --> 00:36:27,480 - What's the difference? - Depends on how much of you is a robot 707 00:36:27,480 --> 00:36:29,480 and how much of you is still a human being. 708 00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:31,400 - RICH: - So, what about Robbie Williams? 709 00:36:31,400 --> 00:36:33,240 - What about him? - Cyborg or robot? 710 00:36:33,240 --> 00:36:35,400 LAUGHTER 711 00:36:35,400 --> 00:36:37,720 That's a game we could play for a very long time. 712 00:36:37,720 --> 00:36:40,960 I'm going to carry on with my bionic rectum, if it kills me. 713 00:36:40,960 --> 00:36:43,640 I hope someone's just tuned in at that point. 714 00:36:47,480 --> 00:36:49,640 Anyway, you take a muscle from the inside of the leg 715 00:36:49,640 --> 00:36:51,000 and you wrap it around the anus, 716 00:36:51,000 --> 00:36:53,600 and then you hook it up to the device with electrodes that makes 717 00:36:53,600 --> 00:36:55,840 the muscle contract or relax with an electric signals. 718 00:36:55,840 --> 00:36:58,040 So, basically, it can be activated by remote control. 719 00:36:58,040 --> 00:37:00,280 The only thing I think is, if you have a bionic rectum, 720 00:37:00,280 --> 00:37:02,480 keep hold of the controls. Don't let your... 721 00:37:03,800 --> 00:37:05,960 Don't let the children... 722 00:37:06,960 --> 00:37:09,840 Imagine the panic when you've lost that remote down the sofa. 723 00:37:11,600 --> 00:37:15,360 Anyway, we salute the passage of the UK's only rectal teaching 724 00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:19,560 assistant and welcome our new robot bottom overlords. 725 00:37:19,560 --> 00:37:24,120 Now, it's time to open the floodgates to General Ignorance. 726 00:37:24,120 --> 00:37:29,680 Fingers on buzzers. When's the best time to rob a bank? 727 00:37:29,680 --> 00:37:31,320 Yes, Susan? 728 00:37:32,720 --> 00:37:35,160 - Thursday morning. - Why? 729 00:37:35,160 --> 00:37:37,600 It's when I'm most free and... 730 00:37:40,560 --> 00:37:42,560 I think I can fit it in around ten 731 00:37:42,560 --> 00:37:45,160 and then I've got coffee with Sandi Toksvig. 732 00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:49,880 Ski season cos everybody would have a ski mask on. 733 00:37:51,360 --> 00:37:54,040 - There would be a lot more suspects. - Yes. - Alan, do you want 734 00:37:54,040 --> 00:37:56,280 - to give it a go? - Well, it's either when it's open 735 00:37:56,280 --> 00:37:57,920 or when it's closed... 736 00:37:57,920 --> 00:37:59,920 KLAXON 737 00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:05,040 Bless you. Here's the thing, 738 00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:07,640 you cannot rob a bank when nobody's there. 739 00:38:07,640 --> 00:38:10,040 - Why is that? - No-one can open anything. 740 00:38:10,040 --> 00:38:13,240 No, a robbery's when you steal something by threatening somebody. 741 00:38:13,240 --> 00:38:16,920 So, if you steal from somewhere and nobody sees you, you know this, 742 00:38:16,920 --> 00:38:18,960 - you're a lawyer, it's a burglary. - Yeah. 743 00:38:18,960 --> 00:38:23,080 So, the Hatton Garden heist was actually a burglary, not a robbery. 744 00:38:23,080 --> 00:38:26,360 I always find, like, a Friday about four o'clock, I think 745 00:38:26,360 --> 00:38:29,200 - the best time to do anything... - Is Friday at four? 746 00:38:29,200 --> 00:38:31,680 - ..is Friday about four o'clock. - How are you going to get 747 00:38:31,680 --> 00:38:34,080 into the safe? You can't even get into a train toilet. 748 00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:36,520 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 749 00:38:38,360 --> 00:38:41,680 She could get in the safe, but then it would shut her in again. 750 00:38:45,720 --> 00:38:48,800 Did you ever study...? I did law, we have it common that we did law. 751 00:38:48,800 --> 00:38:50,760 - Did you do Harman's Case? - No, no. 752 00:38:50,760 --> 00:38:53,280 It was a case in 1620 that rather establishes this principle. 753 00:38:53,280 --> 00:38:57,120 There was a man called Harman and he stole a purse from a man called Halfpenny, or Ha'penny. 754 00:38:57,120 --> 00:38:59,800 And he was indicted for robbery, so robbery is a felony, and the 755 00:38:59,800 --> 00:39:02,920 conviction would have meant that he couldn't claim Benefit of Clergy. 756 00:39:02,920 --> 00:39:05,240 "But the facts were Harman came by him 757 00:39:05,240 --> 00:39:08,000 "and slipped his hand into his pocket and took out his purse. 758 00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:11,240 "Halfpenny not suspecting the taking of his purse until turning 759 00:39:11,240 --> 00:39:13,640 "his eye, he saw it in Harman's hand and then he demanded it. 760 00:39:13,640 --> 00:39:16,360 "Harman answered him, 'Villain, if thou speakest of thy purse, 761 00:39:16,360 --> 00:39:19,560 " 'I will pluck thy house over thine ears and drive thee out 762 00:39:19,560 --> 00:39:22,480 " 'of the country as I did John Somers,' then went away with his purse." 763 00:39:22,480 --> 00:39:25,160 The physical threat only came after the theft. 764 00:39:25,160 --> 00:39:28,000 That means he had done it by stealth, that means it wasn't robbery, 765 00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:30,400 it meant he could claim Benefit of Clergy. 766 00:39:30,400 --> 00:39:34,800 So, the only time you can rob a bank is when there's somebody there. 767 00:39:34,800 --> 00:39:38,320 What colour is the pigment in this person's eyes? 768 00:39:38,320 --> 00:39:41,000 BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY 769 00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:44,040 - Yes, Josh? - Mauve. 770 00:39:44,040 --> 00:39:47,960 Mauve is a very good colour that we hadn't thought of, so... 771 00:39:49,960 --> 00:39:52,280 APPLAUSE 772 00:39:57,920 --> 00:40:01,200 I'm going to give you a point for your colour knowledge 773 00:40:01,200 --> 00:40:03,000 but not because it's correct. 774 00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:05,400 - OK. - Obviously, it's a bluey-green colour, isn't it? 775 00:40:05,400 --> 00:40:07,600 KLAXON 776 00:40:11,040 --> 00:40:14,400 So, everybody has melanin in the iris of their eye 777 00:40:14,400 --> 00:40:17,480 and all melanin is dark brown in colour. 778 00:40:17,480 --> 00:40:20,960 The thing is that people with blue eyes have less melanin 779 00:40:20,960 --> 00:40:23,440 and people with brown eyes have more. 780 00:40:23,440 --> 00:40:26,760 This is called the Tyndall effect. So, melanin absorbs light - 781 00:40:26,760 --> 00:40:30,680 if you have less of it, so you have blue eyes, that means that the 782 00:40:30,680 --> 00:40:34,800 light is not absorbed and, instead, some of the light is reflected back. 783 00:40:34,800 --> 00:40:38,120 So, people with blue eyes are reflecting back more light. 784 00:40:38,120 --> 00:40:40,880 So, people with dark brown eyes, are they better, then? 785 00:40:42,080 --> 00:40:45,080 You just checked my eyes before you said that! 786 00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:49,840 You looked at me and thought, "I'm going to win this one!" 787 00:40:49,840 --> 00:40:51,680 So you could have some melanin taken out? 788 00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:54,760 Change your eye colour - that'll be the latest thing being offered. 789 00:40:54,760 --> 00:40:57,080 So, it wouldn't be about taking melanin out. 790 00:40:57,080 --> 00:41:00,040 The easiest way to do it is a corneal tattoo. So what they do is... 791 00:41:00,040 --> 00:41:03,680 GASPS I know, they inject ink into your cornea. 792 00:41:03,680 --> 00:41:04,800 No! 793 00:41:04,800 --> 00:41:06,200 But this has been happening... 794 00:41:06,200 --> 00:41:09,080 The first recorded incidence that we know of corneal tattooing 795 00:41:09,080 --> 00:41:12,800 is the 2nd century. The ancient Greek physician, Galen, used ink 796 00:41:12,800 --> 00:41:16,120 made from pomegranates to change eyes that were disfigured by disease. 797 00:41:16,120 --> 00:41:19,160 I'm going to get my eyes tattooed with "love" and "hate". 798 00:41:20,760 --> 00:41:24,840 So, even if your eyes look blue, they are in fact brown. 799 00:41:24,840 --> 00:41:27,120 To finish off, let's go right back to the origin of man. 800 00:41:27,120 --> 00:41:29,560 What is happening in this diagram? 801 00:41:29,560 --> 00:41:32,680 If you reverse that, it's the story of Alabama. 802 00:41:36,280 --> 00:41:40,520 - Very good. What do we think it is? - Well, it's not right, is it? 803 00:41:40,520 --> 00:41:44,440 - Why is it not right? - We didn't evolve from monkeys in that way. 804 00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:47,520 There are various branches of the tree of evolution, aren't there? 805 00:41:47,520 --> 00:41:50,360 Yeah, the diagram's originally called The Road To Homo Sapiens. 806 00:41:50,360 --> 00:41:52,840 It was done by an illustrator called Rudolph Zallinger 807 00:41:52,840 --> 00:41:55,320 and it was to illustrate a book called Early Man. 808 00:41:55,320 --> 00:41:58,080 Remember those Time-Life Books that were incredibly popular? 809 00:41:58,080 --> 00:42:01,160 It's most famously known nowadays as the March Of Progress, 810 00:42:01,160 --> 00:42:03,840 but all of these things are incredibly misleading 811 00:42:03,840 --> 00:42:05,800 because the road from early primates 812 00:42:05,800 --> 00:42:08,360 to humans cannot be shown in such a neat diagram. 813 00:42:08,360 --> 00:42:11,200 So, the first four figures there are in fact offshoots 814 00:42:11,200 --> 00:42:14,560 to The Road To Homo Sapiens. They aren't ancestors of us at all. 815 00:42:14,560 --> 00:42:18,000 The original drawing had 15 figures in it and there they are. 816 00:42:18,000 --> 00:42:20,760 Slightly better. Again, it's got some blind alleys in it - 817 00:42:20,760 --> 00:42:24,160 species that died out or didn't evolve into modern humans at all. 818 00:42:24,160 --> 00:42:27,120 And the author said it was not supposed to imply 819 00:42:27,120 --> 00:42:29,680 - that one led to the other... - But it clearly does. 820 00:42:29,680 --> 00:42:31,120 What you need in the middle 821 00:42:31,120 --> 00:42:33,880 are the four Beatles crossing the zebra crossing. 822 00:42:35,920 --> 00:42:38,640 What is, in terms of human evolution, 823 00:42:38,640 --> 00:42:42,040 what is the biggest problem with this particular picture? 824 00:42:42,040 --> 00:42:44,600 Is it the guy second from the left? He's the best one. 825 00:42:44,600 --> 00:42:47,600 He's spoiling for a fight. Look at him! 826 00:42:47,600 --> 00:42:49,880 So, this is a picture of the whole of human evolution. 827 00:42:49,880 --> 00:42:52,520 - There's no women. - There's no bloody women in it! 828 00:42:52,520 --> 00:42:55,240 There we are, you're absolutely right. 829 00:42:55,240 --> 00:42:57,040 APPLAUSE 830 00:42:58,360 --> 00:43:01,120 It's like watching an episode of Mock The Week. 831 00:43:04,400 --> 00:43:07,480 Which brings us to the open and shut case of the scores. 832 00:43:07,480 --> 00:43:10,040 And, in fourth place, well, it's magnificent, 833 00:43:10,040 --> 00:43:12,320 with -25, it's Alan! 834 00:43:12,320 --> 00:43:14,760 APPLAUSE 835 00:43:16,920 --> 00:43:19,920 In third place, with -8 points, it's Josh! 836 00:43:19,920 --> 00:43:22,080 APPLAUSE 837 00:43:22,080 --> 00:43:24,040 I'll take -8. 838 00:43:24,040 --> 00:43:27,360 In second place, with 3 points, it's Rich! 839 00:43:27,360 --> 00:43:29,080 APPLAUSE 840 00:43:30,480 --> 00:43:33,800 And, tonight's winner, with a magnificent 9 points, it's Susan! 841 00:43:33,800 --> 00:43:36,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 842 00:43:42,400 --> 00:43:45,640 So, thank you to Susan, Josh, Rich and Alan, 843 00:43:45,640 --> 00:43:49,360 and I leave you with advice that Professor Walter Kotschnig 844 00:43:49,360 --> 00:43:53,280 once gave his students at Holyoke College - "Keep an open mind, 845 00:43:53,280 --> 00:43:56,960 "but not so open that your brains fall out." Thank you and good night.