1 00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:30,160 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:38,000 Good evening and welcome to QI, 3 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:42,680 where tonight, we are ogling an odditorium of objects and ornaments. 4 00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:44,800 Let's meet some ornaments to their profession. 5 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:46,400 The opulent Sarah Millican. 6 00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:48,120 APPLAUSE 7 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:53,720 The ostentatious Cariad Lloyd. 8 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:55,240 APPLAUSE 9 00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:00,040 The oratorical Alice Levine. 10 00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:02,360 APPLAUSE 11 00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:06,800 And, objection! Alan Davies. 12 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:08,160 APPLAUSE 13 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:15,960 And their ornamental noises are from priceless objects 14 00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:19,680 kindly lent to us by the Victoria and Albert Museum. So, Sarah goes... 15 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:21,720 GLASS WIND CHIMES RING 16 00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:25,840 That's nice, pretty, isn't it? Cariad goes... 17 00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:27,920 MANTLE CLOCK CHIMES 18 00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:32,120 Lovely. Alice goes... 19 00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:34,840 MUSIC BOX LULLABY CHIMES 20 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:36,560 LAUGHTER 21 00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:42,640 And Alan goes... 22 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:43,880 TAPPING ON GLASS 23 00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:45,760 Don't touch the exhibit, sir! 24 00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:47,080 RUMBLING 25 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:48,720 GLASS BREAKS, CRASHING 26 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:52,320 Well, that's horribly familiar, that. 27 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:59,320 Right, top question, where are you most likely to come across a UFO? 28 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:01,320 GLASS WIND CHIMES Yes? Millican? 29 00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:03,000 In the sky? 30 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:04,480 KLAXON 31 00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:09,200 Anybody else? 32 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:11,880 - MANTLE CLOCK CHIMES Yes? - Reading. 33 00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:15,080 Not much happens in Reading, so... 34 00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:17,120 Don't you think they'd want to go somewhere where 35 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:20,080 - the stuff is happening? - No, because they want to be secret. 36 00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:22,880 The whole of Reading could be aliens, you wouldn't even know. 37 00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:24,160 Why do they want to be secret? 38 00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:26,600 This big assumption that they come here all this way 39 00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:28,160 - and then just hide. - That's true. 40 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:30,840 Somebody knows a lot about them, don't they? 41 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:33,640 Near airports, because they always look like planes, weirdly. 42 00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:35,720 - Yes, that is quite a strange thing, isn't it? - Yeah. 43 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:37,920 They do look like planes. And the answer is the ocean. 44 00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:40,120 The most common and most dangerous UFOs are 45 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:42,320 Unidentified Floating Objects. 46 00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:45,600 These are pieces of lost cargo and they lie along the shipping routes, 47 00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:48,680 just under the surface, and they can damage ships tremendously. 48 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:49,960 Between 2008-2013, 49 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:53,280 an average of about 1,700 shipping containers were lost at sea. 50 00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:54,760 Look at this picture! 51 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:58,320 That is seriously bad packing, isn't it? That's... 52 00:02:58,320 --> 00:02:59,440 Surely not in one go? 53 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:01,440 Well, about half of those 1,700 54 00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:03,920 came from a single ship, the MOL Comfort. 55 00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:07,000 The ship actually broke in half and all the containers went into the sea. 56 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,840 - But that's fair enough, then. - Yeah. - That wasn't careless, was it? 57 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:11,600 No. No. 58 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:14,840 Some of the strange stuff that has washed up in the sea, 59 00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:18,520 - in 2008, a six-foot-tall Lego man - my people... - What?! 60 00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:22,840 - ..washed up on Brighton beach. - Aw! - That's amazing. 61 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:24,360 The really extraordinary thing is, 62 00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:26,400 I've been trying to find out what happened to it. 63 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:29,080 Did they just push it back out to the sea? 64 00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:30,200 It just swam off. 65 00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:36,200 If anybody knows, please, could you let me know? 66 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:38,240 I want to know where the Brighton Lego man is. 67 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:39,680 I'd like to come and say hello. 68 00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:42,960 Why is it never a Lego woman that's washed up? 69 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,240 Because the Lego woman wasn't beach-ready. 70 00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:50,600 APPLAUSE 71 00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:52,000 So... 72 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:58,560 February 2017, £50 million worth of cocaine washed up 73 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:01,160 on a beach in Norfolk, and I don't know where that is either. 74 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:02,920 SHE SNIFFS 75 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:05,360 There is a National UFO Reporting Centre, which is 76 00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:08,680 the UFOs that we normally think of, the Unidentified Flying Objects. 77 00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:10,600 It was started by a man called Robert Gribble, 78 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:14,040 who's a fireman from Seattle and he collects UFO sightings. 79 00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:19,080 And since 1905, there have been 105,000 reports of alien sightings. 80 00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:21,240 A tenth of those have been here, in the UK. 81 00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:24,240 But the photos are never on a camera that's more than one megapixel. 82 00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:26,440 - Yeah. - It's always conveniently grainy. 83 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:28,160 - A little bit fuzzy. - Yeah. 84 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:30,360 Anybody know the best place in the UK to see a UFO? 85 00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:33,760 - MANTLE CLOCK CHIMES Yes, Reading! - Reading! - No. 86 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:37,280 I think there's some near us. I think there's some aliens near us. 87 00:04:37,280 --> 00:04:39,480 - Do you? - Because my dog barks at all other dogs, 88 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:41,760 but no people, apart from one family near us. 89 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:45,280 And whenever they walk past, we just... 90 00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:48,240 We look at... My husband and I go, "Lizard people." 91 00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:51,360 And I know that they're walking past going, "He knows." 92 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:54,600 - Norfolk. - No, it's not, 93 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,720 it's Scotland, it's Bonnybridge in Scotland. 94 00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:59,120 - Oh, yeah, yeah. - It's the place where you are most likely. 95 00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:01,560 - I don't know why. - Is that one of them? Is that guy an alien? 96 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:04,760 This is a man called Billy Buchanan, he's a councillor in Bonnybridge. 97 00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:09,600 I'm not sure why he photo-bombed our shot of the sign. 98 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:12,920 They have 300 sightings a year, roughly, in Bonnybridge. 99 00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:17,000 - Is it all by one man? - "I've seen another one, and another one." 100 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:18,880 He has 65 days off a year. 101 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:23,440 It's also known as the Falkirk Triangle. 102 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:27,320 The fact is that Bonnybridge is under three flight paths, 103 00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:29,680 including those for Edinburgh and Glasgow Airports. 104 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:32,000 And just...it's your point there, Alice, isn't it? 105 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,360 I mean, just saying. 106 00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:36,400 So the very first flying saucers, in fact, weren't even a saucer shape. 107 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:39,920 So in 1947, there was a pilot called Kenneth Arnold, 108 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:42,240 and he reported seeing nine objects 109 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:45,360 whose movement was "like a saucer if you skipped it across the water", 110 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:48,280 is what he actually said, he didn't say they looked like flying saucers. 111 00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:51,160 In fact, they were more sort of crescent shaped or boomerang shaped. 112 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:54,000 But the place in America that you would most likely find a UFO 113 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:57,120 is Roswell, is the place that everybody thinks about them. 114 00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:58,520 Again, 1947. I don't know. 115 00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:01,920 So these are the street lamps in Roswell. Aren't they great? 116 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:04,720 - Well, you're not helping matters, are you? - No, not really. 117 00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:07,360 Every night at around 7pm, they come out. 118 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:10,440 I really, really love these. They have an annual UFO festival 119 00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:12,840 where they have an alien pet competition - 120 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:16,000 how alien can you make your dog look? 121 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,640 - A lot of the sightings are near military bases, aren't they? - Yes. 122 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:20,080 Then people say that it's because 123 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:21,800 the military are trying to cover it up. 124 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:24,240 But is it actually that it's something military related 125 00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:26,160 but they can't tell us, because top secret? 126 00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:29,120 - Or... - Yes. - The military is entirely made up of aliens. 127 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:30,720 - LAUGHTER - Yes. 128 00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:31,960 Just offering that out there. 129 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:34,560 - I think you're more likely to be right. - Oh. 130 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:36,760 As this is the case, I wondered if I could interest you 131 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:39,800 in an insurance policy against alien abduction? 132 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,440 How much is it? 133 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:43,680 Well, for about £120 a year, 134 00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:46,280 I can protect you against alien impregnation. 135 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:51,800 What if I was on the pill? 136 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:53,880 Or 41, you know. 137 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:58,200 Well, men are also able to purchase impregnation insurance of this kind, 138 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:02,520 for protection against the unknown capabilities of alien technology. 139 00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:06,160 So your pill, not really going to be anywhere. 140 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:10,800 - So far, more than 30,000 of these policies have been sold. - No! 141 00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:13,080 - 30,000?! - Yeah. One I like is called 142 00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:16,200 the Goodfellow Rebecca Ingrams Pearson policy, 143 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,800 which, if you put that together, is GRIP. 144 00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:20,840 So, "Get a GRIP policy." 145 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:22,240 LAUGHTER 146 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:24,000 I love these insurance policies. 147 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:26,560 In 2000, there were three sisters from Inverness 148 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:29,200 who insured themselves against the possibility 149 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:32,320 of miraculously conceiving and raising the second Christ. 150 00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:37,680 - I hate it when that happens. - Hate it when that happens, yes. 151 00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:40,280 But we have worried about UFOs for a very long time. 152 00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:43,760 Probably the earliest picture that we have of a potential UFO 153 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:47,560 was 1561 over the skies in Nuremberg. 154 00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:50,080 That's the sun, though, isn't it? 155 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:53,840 Bear in mind, this is the best they could do for a photo in 1561. 156 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,920 Is that what the sky looked like that day? 157 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:57,280 Yes. So they say. 158 00:07:57,280 --> 00:07:59,080 It lasted for about an hour 159 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:01,760 and there were lights and flashes all over the place. 160 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:04,560 What we now think it is, it was something called a mock sun 161 00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:05,600 or a sun dog. 162 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:07,480 What you get, you sometimes get ice crystals 163 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:09,080 up in the upper part of the sky. 164 00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:11,760 So it is just the sun reflecting ice crystals, 165 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:15,320 but there was a report in the gazette of the town of Nuremberg - 166 00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:18,400 "At the dawn of April 4th in the sky of Nuremberg, 167 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:20,640 "a lot of men and women saw a very alarming spectacle 168 00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:22,320 "where various objects were involved, 169 00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:25,640 "including balls approximately three in the length from time to time, 170 00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:28,160 "four in a square, much remained insulated, 171 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:30,840 "and between these balls, one saw a number of crosses 172 00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:32,040 "with the colour of blood. 173 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:34,920 "Then one saw two large pipes in which small and large pipes 174 00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,680 "were three balls, also four or more. 175 00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:39,360 "All these elements started to fight, one against the other." 176 00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:41,120 How many balls did our vendor have? 177 00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:43,600 LAUGHTER 178 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:45,760 It might have lost a bit in translation, I think. 179 00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:47,320 Do you think so? Yeah. 180 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:50,320 Do you think they were, like, paid by the word as well? 181 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:54,320 Cos the "colour of blood" could just have been "red". 182 00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:56,400 Anybody know where the word "gazette" comes from? 183 00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:59,200 Just a little side bar. I'll give you an extra point if anybody knows. 184 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:01,400 I know. I just don't feel like I need to say it right now. 185 00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,400 A small gazer, like a gaze-ette. 186 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:05,240 It does sound like that, doesn't it? 187 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:06,520 No, is the answer. 188 00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:09,480 It's a Venetian coin. The very first newspapers in Venice, 189 00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:12,480 so we're talking early to sort of mid-16th century, 190 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:15,040 were sold for a venetian coin called a gazzetta. 191 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:17,080 So the newspaper became known as the gazette, 192 00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:18,600 but it's just the name of the coin, 193 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,840 like calling it a sixpence or a farthing or something. 194 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:25,320 Right - you wake up wrapped in a futon covered in orange paint, 195 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:28,880 there's confetti everywhere and you smell of smoke. 196 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:30,480 What the heck happened? 197 00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:32,080 Tha-a-at's Tuesday! 198 00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:37,560 Now, can anybody, first of all, spot whose face that is, in the picture? 199 00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:40,480 - We've Photoshopped... - Cariad. - It's Cariad's face. 200 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:42,440 How do you not recognise your own face? 201 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:43,920 Yeah, I mean, no... 202 00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:45,560 Sarah, to be honest, as a man, 203 00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:49,040 sexily posing with spots all over his body and an orange haze, 204 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,080 I wasn't instantly sure it was me. 205 00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:52,680 I was! 206 00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:55,800 OK, so all of those things - smoke and confetti and the futon - 207 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:56,840 they are all... 208 00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:59,600 It sounds like someone dressed as a hot dog maybe, doesn't it? 209 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:02,000 If you were to lie in the futon, roll yourself up, 210 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:04,080 the orange is almost the kind of mustard, 211 00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:06,560 - or even the frankfurter... - Yeah. 212 00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:10,560 My actual answer is going to be so boring by comparison. 213 00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:12,360 - CARIAD: - Sandi, tell me, what is it? 214 00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:14,000 They are all methods... 215 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:17,160 LAUGHTER 216 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:20,360 I would need to take more clothes off, but I'm not going to, 217 00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:21,560 unlike the picture. 218 00:10:21,560 --> 00:10:23,960 - Those are all methods of dealing with offenders. - What? 219 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:26,960 So, anybody waking up with those has probably committed a crime, 220 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,640 is the truth of it. Take the orange paintballs, 221 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:32,680 they're for shop staff in Japan to throw at offenders. 222 00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:34,160 They are the size of a tennis ball 223 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:36,840 and they are known as "bohan yu kara boru" - 224 00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:38,880 anti-crime colour balls. 225 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:41,120 And the idea, if somebody's committing a crime, 226 00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:44,160 you throw it at them, and then they are marked and easier to track. 227 00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:45,600 You have to be good at throwing. 228 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:47,360 Well, this is the main problem with them. 229 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:49,760 - You might hit the wrong person. - Yeah. - Yeah, God. 230 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,280 So, they are widely distributed, 231 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:54,800 and under moments of stress, staff either tend to forget they... 232 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,200 ..the staff tend to forget they've got them... 233 00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:03,920 - You have no reflexes at all. - No. 234 00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:08,600 Cariad's reflex is just to go into the position in the photo. 235 00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:12,920 And people forget they've got them or they freeze, 236 00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:15,200 or they see that the robber is armed and think, 237 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,520 "That paintball thing, not going to go so well." 238 00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:20,640 They have signs in the shops where they've got the orange paintballs, 239 00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:23,480 that does seem to put some people off from robbing them, but... 240 00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:24,880 That's what they do in Poundland. 241 00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:27,200 They have a picture of a policeman in the window, because 242 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:30,200 if they put a picture of a policeman in the window, people shoplift less. 243 00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:33,520 - Do they? - Yeah. - So they could put a picture of the balls in the window. 244 00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:35,280 That's all they need. 245 00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:36,960 "I have the orange balls." 246 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:42,760 - How do you like my orange balls? - "I will take my business elsewhere." 247 00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:44,960 Do you feel like you should say something though, 248 00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:46,760 when you throw it, you should be like, "No!" 249 00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:48,760 - Yeah, like, "Stop! - "Don't!" - "Stop it." - Yeah. 250 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:51,200 - "Bad." - "I've seen you." - I quite like that with a robber, 251 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:52,840 - "Stop it." - "Stop it!" 252 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:54,440 Do you know, I was on a train once, 253 00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:58,080 and there were some boys who'd had a sherry too many, and they were being 254 00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:01,880 very vulgar and loud and frightening some people over on the other side. 255 00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:04,920 And I suddenly stood up and I went, "That will do!" 256 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:09,880 APPLAUSE 257 00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:13,720 They said sorry. 258 00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:19,040 The other technique was the futon technique, which is also Japanese. 259 00:12:19,040 --> 00:12:20,640 It deals with drunk or violent people. 260 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:23,120 They wrap them up in plastic futons 261 00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:26,400 and then carry them to cells to calm them down. 262 00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:30,200 It apparently works. In 2014, the Japanese police fired only six shots 263 00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:33,640 in the entire country. When the US, if you look at the comparison, 264 00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:36,000 had 32,599 gun deaths. 265 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:38,120 - Whoa. - So this has got to be the answer. 266 00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:40,320 Plastic futons, it seems to be very straightforward. 267 00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:42,760 I imagine, somehow, that in the US, if they had orange balls, 268 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:45,160 - there'd be a lot more orange balls thrown. - Yeah, probably. 269 00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:47,080 I think it's just general politeness in Japan. 270 00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:49,160 Do you think that's what happened to Donald Trump, 271 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:51,880 somebody got him right in the face with an orange ball? 272 00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:00,160 There's a Japanese office supply company that sells 273 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:04,000 wearable futon air mat sets. 274 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:07,040 They're sold as the perfect solution to people who sleep at work. 275 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:08,880 So you go to work wearing your futon, 276 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:10,960 and then you blow it up and lie down and sleep. 277 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:13,040 There's a big culture in Japan, it's called imeri, 278 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:15,560 - which is you sleep anywhere. - Inemuri. - Yeah. 279 00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:18,360 It's because they have this thing of, like, you should work so hard 280 00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:21,680 that you... It's OK to sleep literally anywhere. 281 00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:23,800 You see people, like, on the side of motorways, 282 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:25,880 salary men they call them, just asleep on the side. 283 00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:28,800 Yeah. So the other two I had, I had confetti and smoke machines. 284 00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:31,840 Smoke machines, used in some stores in the UK, they set them off 285 00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:34,840 and it obscures the view of any stuff in the shop, whatsoever. 286 00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:36,720 And makes it like an '80s music video. 287 00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:40,080 "So, we're really mad that you're robbing us, but..." 288 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:41,960 # Whooooaaa... # 289 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:43,960 And confetti is another safety mechanism. 290 00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:45,800 When you fire a Taser gun, apparently, 291 00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:48,360 it also releases a tiny amount of confetti. 292 00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:51,720 - Oh, how lovely. - Well, you know, kind of, "Ow!", but, "Ooh, nice." 293 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:55,000 "My heart's stopped! Aaaah." 294 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,840 If you look in the middle picture, you can just see little bits, 295 00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:00,680 - tiny, coloured bits of confetti. - Has somebody literally thought, 296 00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:04,400 "Oh, I mean, it's so sad, let's jazz it up when they get tasered." 297 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:07,040 It's supposed to deter people using Tasers to commit crimes. 298 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:09,800 In order to get a Taser, you have to register it with the company, 299 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:12,480 and then you get a specific number, that number's on the confetti 300 00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:14,320 to make sure that bad people don't use them. 301 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:16,120 You know what they could have done instead? 302 00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:18,720 when I got married, people threw confetti, which was lovely, 303 00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:21,600 cos it's, like, pretend-y flowers, but some people threw rice, 304 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:25,080 and I don't know if you know this, but rice really hurts. 305 00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:26,800 It's like being pelted with grit. 306 00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:29,920 So, anyway - 307 00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:34,480 what was Lord Montagu's secretary doing on the bonnet of his car? 308 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:36,400 - Wow! - Hmm. 309 00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:40,160 I don't know, but she called a lot of people before she did it. 310 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:42,520 It must have been a warm day. 311 00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:45,360 Was she a cog in the patriarchy, but she was getting paid for it, 312 00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:47,200 so in a way it was OK, because of the time? 313 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:50,840 It's possible I love you, Cariad. 314 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:53,760 Er, no. 315 00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:55,440 He was Lord Montagu of...? 316 00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:58,720 - Beaulieu. - Lord Montagu of Beaulieu. What is Beaulieu famous for? 317 00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:02,000 - Motor Museum. - Motor Museum. So cars, we're talking about cars. 318 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:05,720 This is a bit like how they used to entice you to buy lots of things. 319 00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:08,440 Like washing machines, you're like, "Do I want a washing machine? 320 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:11,480 "Oh, a sexy lady is sat on it! I now want that washing machine." 321 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:15,360 He was particularly associated with one motorcar. 322 00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:18,160 - A British-made one? - Yes, beautiful, amazing... - A Bentley? 323 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:20,440 - No, possibly, I think, the... - A Ford Ka. 324 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:25,120 The most beautiful car of all time. 325 00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:27,800 - Rolls-Royce? - Rolls-Royce! - Rolls-Royce, absolutely right. 326 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:30,800 - Oh, was she the lady? - Yes, the iconic figure. - Ah! 327 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:33,600 The Spirit of Ecstasy. 328 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,840 Eleanor Thornton, she was the secretary to 329 00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:40,920 John Walter Douglas-Scott-Montagu, second Baron Montagu of Beaulieu. 330 00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:42,480 A motoring pioneer. 331 00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:45,120 And he commissioned a figure as a personal mascot 332 00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:47,600 on the front of the 1910 Rolls-Royce Silver Ghost. 333 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:48,960 It was called The Whisper. 334 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:51,360 And so the original one was like that, 335 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:54,920 because, allegedly, it was a secret love affair that they were having. 336 00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:58,000 It's not that secret if you've put it on the front of all the cars. 337 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,480 Was his wife like, "Oh, right, I see, 338 00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:04,400 "so you based that on your secretary, but nothing's going on?" 339 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:07,360 Yeah, the figure was sometimes known as Ellie in her nightie. 340 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:08,720 That's the thing about it. 341 00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:11,080 - Which doesn't sound dodgy at all, does it? - No, it doesn't. 342 00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:13,320 To be fair, you wouldn't necessarily know who that was. 343 00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:15,600 You'd be like, "Does he work with anyone with one eye, 344 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:18,800 "a moustache, a crew cut 345 00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:20,360 "and one mono-boob?" 346 00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:22,080 "His secretary!" 347 00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:24,440 Over the years, people have put lots of ornaments 348 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:28,320 and the choice is not always suitable for the sort of things that people have had. 349 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:29,840 So there's been... 350 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:33,240 - Oh, my God. - So that's why they standardised it. 351 00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:35,080 The Whisper became the Spirit of Ecstasy, 352 00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:37,640 because they didn't want people doing that kind of thing. 353 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:40,600 - And then... - The middle one says Spirit of Ecstasy to me, though. 354 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,960 We couldn't actually get the car ornament, 355 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,240 so this is a little model. 356 00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:46,120 You've skewered a robin. 357 00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:49,640 In 1907, a picture was circulated of a robin impaled on a car ornament, 358 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:52,520 and there was a terrible backlash against having ornaments at all. 359 00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:54,560 They were banned. In fact, if you have them today, 360 00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:56,760 they have to be spring-loaded and all kinds of things. 361 00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:58,640 The ornithologists are going to be on, Sandi. 362 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:00,120 - I know. - They're going to be curious. 363 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,440 The DVLA has a banned list of licence plates that runs 364 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:06,360 to 46 pages, things that you may not have as your licence. 365 00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:08,400 - Bollocks. - Well, kind of. 366 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:11,320 So, this one is supposed to be rude 367 00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:13,480 if you read it in your rear view mirror. 368 00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:15,520 So can anybody work it out? 369 00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:18,080 - Oral... - I nearly just did that! 370 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:20,880 I haven't got a mirror with me. 371 00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:24,160 Yeah, it's supposed to be oral sex. Anyway, it's banned, it's banned. 372 00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:26,240 "Banned! Banned! 373 00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:28,680 "Ban! Possible humour - banned!" 374 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:32,760 "Possible smiling - banned! 375 00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:35,720 "No smiling on the road - banned! 376 00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:37,960 "Do not think of sex! Banned! 377 00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:40,120 "Stop it, stop it!" 378 00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:44,040 - See if you can work out these other ones? - "Filth!" 379 00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:46,200 - Top left? - Doggers. - Doggers. 380 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:49,280 Doggers. "Banned! Banned! No intercourse." 381 00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:52,040 - Heroin? - Heroin. - Oh, scrotum. - Scrotum. 382 00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:54,760 - SARAH: - Oh, scrotum. - "How dare you! I feel sick!" 383 00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:56,920 - What's the bottom one? - Alcohol. - Oh. 384 00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:58,720 "Banned! No!" 385 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:00,560 It's fair enough to ban alcohol. 386 00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:04,200 I love that Sarah just went, "Oh, scrotum, are these available ones? 387 00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:08,800 - In America, you can buy these, OK? - Oh, Sandi. - I know. 388 00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:11,480 - Do you know how to handle them? - Hang on a second... 389 00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:14,400 Hang on a minute. 390 00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:16,640 I've totally got this. "Cough." 391 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:19,680 When you said cough, did you just breathe in a little, 392 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:22,960 - have a little sniff? - She did, she went, "Cough," 393 00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:25,200 - and then she went, "Wahey!" - Hey! 394 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:28,400 This is a sight you will see nowhere else in the world. 395 00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:31,200 Alan, is that normal size? 396 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:32,720 Well, they're a little small. 397 00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:36,480 - They're called... - Jesus! 398 00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:39,160 They're called truck nuts. 399 00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:43,920 - Wow! - And they are genitals for your car. 400 00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:47,600 - Do you know what, I'm all right thanks. - Oh, come on. "Banned!" 401 00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:49,760 Well, they have been banned in some states. 402 00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:52,120 Have they? Truck nuts? What, you hang them on your truck? 403 00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:53,880 Yes, look, there. See the picture. 404 00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,680 What's wrong with that? 405 00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:02,040 Some states have banned them for indecency. 406 00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:03,360 In Virginia, the law states, 407 00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:06,000 "No person shall display upon or equip any motor vehicle 408 00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,760 "with any device that depicts, represents or resembles 409 00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:11,760 "human genitalia, regardless of size or scale." 410 00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:14,000 LAUGHTER 411 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:15,440 Right, moving on. 412 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:19,120 Describe the world's best-dressed crab. 413 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:21,360 MUSIC BOX LULLABY CHIMES Alice? 414 00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:25,760 I'm going to say a little bit of lime, some chilli, some mayo, 415 00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:28,440 and then just, yeah, served with, like, brown bread, probably. 416 00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:30,880 - That does sound delicious. - Sounds good, doesn't it? - Yeah. 417 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:33,560 - But I'm actually talking about a live crab. - You didn't say that. 418 00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:34,960 No, I didn't. I should be clearer. 419 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:37,720 - A lot of the things you've said tonight have been ambiguous. - Yes. 420 00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:40,800 - And that's difficult for me. - Welcome to the show. 421 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:44,720 Is it in a shell suit? 422 00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:46,440 APPLAUSE 423 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:51,680 I'm proud to be your friend. 424 00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:54,120 No. There's something called a dresser crab, 425 00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:55,760 or indeed the decorator crab. 426 00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:59,080 And what it does is it gathers material from all around itself 427 00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:01,200 in order to blend in with the surroundings. 428 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,560 So it's basically making camouflage clothing. 429 00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:06,400 They cover their shells in seaweed, in sponge and pearls, 430 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:09,200 chewing on the material in order to make it fibrous, 431 00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:10,600 and then it attaches it to itself. 432 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:14,320 It's got, like, little, tiny Velcro bits on its claws and legs. 433 00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,800 I love this one, it's seriously getting dressed-up. 434 00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:20,680 That's Cardiff on a Saturday night, that is. 435 00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:22,320 That's proper getting ready. 436 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:25,200 And they're found off the coast of Australia. They're tiny. 437 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:26,400 Just over 1.5 inches. 438 00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,960 And sometimes what they do is they put noxious stuff on them 439 00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:31,240 to ward off predators. It's called aposematism. 440 00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:32,840 It's called Lynx. 441 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:38,480 Other sprays are available. 442 00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:41,120 But there are lots of what we call augmented animals, 443 00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:43,760 so, animals who make themselves look a bit different. 444 00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:46,440 One of my favourites, Uraba lugens caterpillar. 445 00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:50,040 - It keeps its old heads and wears them as hats. - What?! 446 00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:54,240 Oh, my God. 447 00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:56,960 That is hoarding gone mad. 448 00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:58,960 As it grows, it sheds its exoskeleton 449 00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:02,040 and the protrusion on the top of the head remains, 450 00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:05,640 and eventually it has a stack, which it uses both as a weapon 451 00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:08,720 and as a false target for any would-be predators. 452 00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:10,880 It's known as the Mad Hatterpillar. 453 00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:12,840 - Yeah, I mean it would be, wouldn't it? - Yeah. 454 00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:15,600 Found in Australia and New Zealand. Isn't it wonderful? 455 00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,960 - That's incredible. - He doesn't even need that. 456 00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:20,040 Look how much you'd remember him anyway. 457 00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:22,600 - Yeah. - "You know the one, do you remember the guy, 458 00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:25,440 "you met him last week, he had five heads on his, five heads as a hat." 459 00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:27,760 - Five-Head Gary, yeah. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 460 00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:30,040 There's another one which is a beetle that lives 461 00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:33,160 in the Costa Rican rainforest. It's called Nymphister kronaueri 462 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:36,640 and it disguises itself as an army ant's bottom. 463 00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:39,000 So, that looks like it's just an ant, 464 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:40,760 but the bit that is a protrusion, 465 00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:44,440 as if the ant has got terrible haemorrhoids, is actually a beetle. 466 00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:47,160 And what it does is, it bites onto the ant 467 00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:50,920 and then it rides around disguised as an army ant's bottom. 468 00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:55,720 - What a life. - We've all done it. - What a life, I know. 469 00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:58,280 There are lots of creatures that live with ants. 470 00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:01,120 They're called myrmecophiles, so they love ants. 471 00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:04,080 This is the very first one that attaches itself for a ride. 472 00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:07,880 Do you think the ant knows what's happening, 473 00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:10,240 why it's got an extra bum? 474 00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:13,960 Or do you think the ant is like, "Oh, my God, the piles are back?" 475 00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:15,560 Yeah. 476 00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:18,520 - It'd keep going like that, wouldn't it? - "What the hell is that?" 477 00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:21,200 "There's something... I'm sure there's something..." 478 00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:23,080 And the beetle's like that... 479 00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:27,720 "Oh, no, no. 480 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:29,400 "You never see me." 481 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:34,640 - And every now and then it goes... - HUMS TWILIGHT ZONE THEME 482 00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:36,920 "I can hear something, I can hear something." 483 00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:39,840 But then the ant will shit in its face. 484 00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:41,120 "Ugh, you ruined it!" 485 00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:43,880 "You were behind me, you cheeky beetle!" 486 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:46,440 All the other ants are going, 487 00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:48,400 "You haven't put on any weight, you look fine." 488 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,280 "Oh, really, are you sure?" "You look fine." 489 00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:51,880 Then the five-head caterpillar goes, 490 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:53,880 "Have you seen him? He's hanging onto his arse." 491 00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:55,840 "Shut up!" "He's hanging onto his arse." 492 00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:57,960 "Well, he can't possibly be living down there." 493 00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,120 "He is, he's on his arse!" 494 00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:03,680 "There's a beetle on the ant's arse." 495 00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:05,400 "There's a beetle on the ant's arse?" 496 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:06,760 "Yes, I can see it from here." 497 00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:08,960 "Swap places, swap places." "All right." 498 00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:14,000 "Oh, there is, there is, there's a beetle on the ant's arse! 499 00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:15,600 "Go and have a look." "All right." 500 00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:20,480 "I can't get up there, why am I always at the bottom?" 501 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:22,280 APPLAUSE 502 00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:31,800 - Something like that. - I like that they're all from the same animal, 503 00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:34,240 but they're all from different regions, different places. 504 00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:36,600 Isn't there a thing - you can have your bottom made bigger? 505 00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:39,400 - Can you do that? - Bottom implants, yeah. - Can you? 506 00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:41,480 I just eat more. 507 00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:43,920 How do you guarantee that it goes to the bottom? 508 00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:45,600 - You just sit a lot. - OK. 509 00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:51,760 Now, what is the lady at the back of this picture saying? 510 00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:53,720 "What's going on?" 511 00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:56,520 - Has she got a mask on? - She has got a mask on. 512 00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:58,880 Is she wondering how she's keeping her mask on? 513 00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:00,520 Because I can't see any elastic. 514 00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:03,680 That is exactly the question. So, these are black velvet masks. 515 00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:06,720 We haven't got black velvet ones, but we have got masks for you. 516 00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:09,520 They were worn in the 16th century, and the way you kept them on, 517 00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:12,320 there's a sort of a bead, but we've done a button for you there. 518 00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:13,920 And you put that in your mouth. 519 00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:16,960 If anyone turns on now, this is like an episode of Black Mirror. 520 00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:21,240 So the answer is, she's not saying anything, because she's using... 521 00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:24,040 - MUFFLED: - Because she's got a button in her mouth. - Sorry, what? 522 00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:26,920 - She's got a button... - MOCK MUFFLED: She's got a button in her mouth. 523 00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:28,400 Is exactly right. 524 00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:30,920 She's saying, "I'm not marrying a hippo." 525 00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:35,720 Why...? 526 00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:44,080 The glasses are a triumph, if I may say so. 527 00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:47,240 I have a re-occurring nightmare and it's this. This, right here. 528 00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:49,640 Why might she be wearing it? What's the reason? 529 00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:52,280 Is it scars from horrible sexually transmitted diseases? 530 00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:54,880 She's proving how rich she is. So how is she doing that? 531 00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:56,320 Oh, to keep her skin so white? 532 00:24:56,320 --> 00:24:59,040 - I was going to say, she looks almost as pale as me. - Yeah. 533 00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:01,040 So, the idea is to avoid sunburn. 534 00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:03,640 The most complete example that we have of one of these 535 00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:06,040 is the Daventry Mask, which was discovered - there it is - 536 00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:08,440 in Northamptonshire, found inside a wall while they were 537 00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:10,840 renovating a 16th-century building. And the idea is... 538 00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:13,920 They've spent about five seconds making that, haven't they? 539 00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:21,360 "You'd be better off not going out!" 540 00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:25,160 The idea was to say, "I'm too rich to get a tan, 541 00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:27,880 "I don't work in the fields, I'm a fantastically wealthy person." 542 00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:29,320 They do that in Vietnam, you know. 543 00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:32,080 You'll go on a beach and all the girls are completely covered. 544 00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:34,600 Their face is covered, arms covered right up to there 545 00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:37,480 cos they want to have white skin, otherwise you look like a peasant. 546 00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:40,080 - I have to wear factor 50. - Do you burn badly? 547 00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:42,240 I don't take a glowing tan. 548 00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:46,400 Yeah, I look like a newborn fish. You can see, like, through my skin 549 00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:47,640 and see my organs, yeah. 550 00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:49,640 - That's deeply unpleasant. - Yeah, it is. 551 00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:54,400 The lady in our painting is actually wearing something called 552 00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:57,240 a moretta muta, it was a Venetian variation on the mask. 553 00:25:57,240 --> 00:25:59,280 Does anybody know what this painting is? 554 00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:02,400 It's a wonderful painting of Clara the Rhinoceros, from 1751. 555 00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:03,760 This is a sort of sad story. 556 00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:06,320 17 years, she was toured round Europe, and of course it was 557 00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:08,800 an extraordinary thing, nobody had ever seen rhinoceroses. 558 00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:11,320 They've just taken the horn off, is that what they've done? 559 00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:14,520 Well, as far as we know, the year before she was displayed in Venice, 560 00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:17,200 she had rubbed the horn off in Rome, where she was on display. 561 00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:20,080 So, clearly, an animal in some distress. And she eventually... 562 00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:23,560 Whenever I'm in distress, I rub a horn. Always. Yeah. 563 00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:26,200 Eventually, she came to Britain. In fact, she died in Lambeth, 564 00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:28,880 at the Horse and Groom pub, where she was being shown for sixpence. 565 00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:31,080 We've all died at the Horse and Groom. 566 00:26:33,360 --> 00:26:34,520 So, your factor 50 - 567 00:26:34,520 --> 00:26:37,920 in 1938, there was a chemistry student called Franz Greiter. 568 00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:40,040 He got sunburned while he was climbing 569 00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:42,240 the Piz Buin peak in the Alps. 570 00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:44,520 He went on to develop sunscreen, 571 00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:46,000 which he called glacier cream, 572 00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:48,800 but we now know it as the company that is named after the mountain. 573 00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:50,280 That's what they say in Wales, 574 00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:53,080 if you've been sick the next morning from alcohol, 575 00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:55,960 - "I was piz buin." Instead of spewing. - Is that right? 576 00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:59,400 "I was hanging and I've been piz buin all morning." 577 00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:03,240 Wouldn't he be proud to know that? 578 00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:05,320 - So, Alan, I've got a question just for you. - Oh. 579 00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:08,240 What is the largest creature that gets sunburn? 580 00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:13,960 Blue whale? 581 00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:15,200 Yes, it is! 582 00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:17,880 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 583 00:27:23,120 --> 00:27:25,320 It spends less time breathing at the surface, 584 00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:27,520 about two minutes, than the sperm whale, 585 00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:28,880 which spends about ten minutes, 586 00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:32,280 but the blue pigmentation means it is more likely to get sunburned. 587 00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:34,840 Very vulnerable. Yes. It's a lot of Ambre Solaire. 588 00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:39,400 Where would you find these ornaments? 589 00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:41,920 - MANTLE CLOCK CHIMES - Oh. - Yes? 590 00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:43,680 - That is an orchid. - It is. 591 00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:45,760 That's genuinely called something like the... 592 00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:47,800 Oh, like, the hanging willy man, or something. 593 00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:49,680 - It's called the Orchis italica. - Oh, OK! 594 00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:53,680 "Ha-ha-ha! The Orchis italica!" 595 00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:58,200 "Ha-ha-ha-ha!" 596 00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:00,960 It's known amongst gardeners as, like, the naked man, isn't it? 597 00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:04,320 - It is called the naked man orchid, is its nickname. - People who can't do Latin, like. 598 00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:07,000 - FARMER VOICE: - "My naked man's come up lovely this year." 599 00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:09,280 "I've got 16 naked men in my garden." 600 00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:13,000 "I've been giving a lot of attention to my naked man." 601 00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:16,840 Which is funny, because the orchid is named after the female genitalia. 602 00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:18,520 That's where the Latin comes from. 603 00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:20,600 I think the orchid's name means testicles. 604 00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:23,600 You've got your genitalia round the wrong way, which... 605 00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:26,080 - That could explain a lot. - I can help you with that. 606 00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:32,280 But orchids come in the most wonderful shapes. 607 00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:35,640 There's one shaped like the laughing bumblebee, on the left there. 608 00:28:35,640 --> 00:28:38,760 - Wow. - The other one is the swaddled baby. - Yeah, yeah. 609 00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:41,040 And then the one on the right, it's a birthwort flower. 610 00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:44,560 - Do you not think it looks a bit like Darth Vader? - Yes. 611 00:28:44,560 --> 00:28:45,880 That's an STI. 612 00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:51,040 "I'm not going to come in, 613 00:28:51,040 --> 00:28:53,280 "I'm just going to send you a photograph of it." 614 00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:57,720 "I can't get any clothes on with this thing. 615 00:28:57,720 --> 00:29:00,080 "Could we Skype? Could we Skype it?" 616 00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:02,640 It is known as a Dutchman's pipe, is its nickname. 617 00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:04,320 Oh! You do not want one of those. 618 00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:06,560 Apparently it stinks, it smells of rotting flesh. 619 00:29:06,560 --> 00:29:09,240 So what it does - those membranes, which look like eyes, 620 00:29:09,240 --> 00:29:11,680 are really, really thin and it lets the light through. 621 00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:14,120 The insects are attracted to the smell of the rotting flesh. 622 00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:16,400 Then they go down into those little holes there, 623 00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:19,880 and they get trapped in hairs and it makes them shake about, 624 00:29:19,880 --> 00:29:22,240 like that, and they get pollen all over themselves, 625 00:29:22,240 --> 00:29:24,600 and then the hairs wither away just before the insect dies 626 00:29:24,600 --> 00:29:26,680 and the insect can release itself from the flower 627 00:29:26,680 --> 00:29:28,680 and go and pollinate. Isn't it amazing? 628 00:29:28,680 --> 00:29:31,520 - No, orchid means testicles, because in... - Sorry, I got my... 629 00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:35,360 In middle English it was called bollockwort. 630 00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:38,160 I think you would have got that one. You would have known that one. 631 00:29:38,160 --> 00:29:41,000 The next time you're backstage with somebody and a marvellous orchid 632 00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:43,760 has been delivered, you go, "Oh, nice bollockwort." 633 00:29:43,760 --> 00:29:45,480 I think we should bring that back. 634 00:29:45,480 --> 00:29:47,960 Bollockwort is much better than orchids. 635 00:29:47,960 --> 00:29:50,640 I've got two lovely bollockworts, actually, on my windowsill. 636 00:29:50,640 --> 00:29:52,720 - Good for you. - Hmm. 637 00:29:52,720 --> 00:29:55,200 Talking about mimicry, have a look at these. 638 00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:57,680 - These are snapdragons. - Oh, yeah, skull ones. Yeah. 639 00:29:57,680 --> 00:30:00,280 - Oooh. - Snapdragon skulls. Amazing. 640 00:30:00,280 --> 00:30:02,600 So there was a mania for collecting orchids, 641 00:30:02,600 --> 00:30:04,200 it was called orchid delirium. 642 00:30:04,200 --> 00:30:06,080 It hit the UK in the early 19th century. 643 00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:08,760 There was a naturalist called William John Swainson, 644 00:30:08,760 --> 00:30:11,320 and he packed some orchids which hadn't flowered, 645 00:30:11,320 --> 00:30:14,000 he mistook them for weeds, and he used them as packaging material. 646 00:30:14,000 --> 00:30:16,400 When they arrived in Britain, they burst into bloom, 647 00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:17,760 and people couldn't believe it. 648 00:30:17,760 --> 00:30:19,760 Flowers were beginning to change hands 649 00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:22,360 for more than 1,000 per plant. Amazing amounts of money. 650 00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:25,360 About 25 grand they were exchanging for a single plant. 651 00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:27,360 - Isn't it amazing? - For one bollockwort? 652 00:30:27,360 --> 00:30:28,640 For one bollockwort, yes. 653 00:30:28,640 --> 00:30:31,440 What you really want is a pair, obviously. 654 00:30:31,440 --> 00:30:33,480 One of the UK's rarest plants is an orchid, 655 00:30:33,480 --> 00:30:35,600 it's a beautiful thing called the ghost orchid. 656 00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:37,960 It was first discovered in Britain in 1845, 657 00:30:37,960 --> 00:30:40,440 and isn't it delicate and amazing? 658 00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:42,600 They were seen 11 more times in the 1950s, 659 00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:44,160 sometimes a few... 660 00:30:44,160 --> 00:30:46,960 It was one of the rarest things. Anybody who was interested in plants 661 00:30:46,960 --> 00:30:49,200 wanted to find one of these ghost orchids. 662 00:30:49,200 --> 00:30:50,360 There's a sweet story, 663 00:30:50,360 --> 00:30:52,800 there was a motorbike salesman called Mark Jannink. 664 00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:56,080 He was searching and searching, and in 2009 he finally found one. 665 00:30:56,080 --> 00:30:59,640 Apparently when he saw it, he said, "Hello, you. So there you are." 666 00:30:59,640 --> 00:31:04,440 - Aw! You can see some today in the Welsh National Herbarium. - Of course. 667 00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:06,200 - There's a lovely vase of them. - Yes. 668 00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:11,200 So they get their name, partly because of the colour, 669 00:31:11,200 --> 00:31:13,800 but also they were a little bit spooky, they have no chlorophyll 670 00:31:13,800 --> 00:31:16,120 at all, so all plants, we think, have photosynthesis, 671 00:31:16,120 --> 00:31:18,080 that's how they stay alive. But it's a parasite. 672 00:31:18,080 --> 00:31:19,680 It steals energy from funguses below, 673 00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:21,320 so it can live in the dark, shaded woods. 674 00:31:21,320 --> 00:31:24,120 That's another reason why we can't find them. Aren't they gorgeous? 675 00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:25,560 I like the one with the cock more. 676 00:31:27,120 --> 00:31:29,680 What I like about you, Sarah, is you're reliable. 677 00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:39,320 Now, name an object that is designed to fail. 678 00:31:39,320 --> 00:31:41,760 MUSIC BOX LULLABY CHIMES Yes, Alice. 679 00:31:41,760 --> 00:31:45,240 I feel like all phones and laptops are designed to fail 680 00:31:45,240 --> 00:31:47,360 after exactly 24 months. 681 00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:49,880 Weirdly, when your contract's up, they just... 682 00:31:49,880 --> 00:31:51,480 They just stop working immediately. 683 00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:53,720 There does seem to be something in that, doesn't there? 684 00:31:53,720 --> 00:31:55,960 It's a thing called planned obsolescence. 685 00:31:55,960 --> 00:31:58,880 Built-in obsolescence. All white goods have it. 686 00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:01,560 - Yeah. - Eventually they fall apart and you have to buy another one. 687 00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:04,800 So it started in the 1920s. There was a group of light bulb companies 688 00:32:04,800 --> 00:32:06,880 known as the Phoebus cartel. 689 00:32:06,880 --> 00:32:10,280 They got together to reduce the lifespan of a light bulb 690 00:32:10,280 --> 00:32:13,280 down to 1,000 hours. They used to test each other's light bulbs. 691 00:32:13,280 --> 00:32:16,040 There were fines levied if your light bulb was able to last longer. 692 00:32:16,040 --> 00:32:18,840 The idea was that you deliberately gave all your products 693 00:32:18,840 --> 00:32:20,240 a limited life span. 694 00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:23,120 Aren't there still light bulbs that work from yesteryear? 695 00:32:23,120 --> 00:32:25,920 Ooh, there's a light bulb in a Californian fire station 696 00:32:25,920 --> 00:32:28,160 which is still going after 115 years. 697 00:32:28,160 --> 00:32:30,000 Weirdly, there's a webcam... 698 00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:33,680 Oh, I totally want to look at that. 699 00:32:33,680 --> 00:32:36,800 ..that you can look at to make sure that it's actually working. 700 00:32:36,800 --> 00:32:39,560 But, I mean, the modern energy saving light bulb, 701 00:32:39,560 --> 00:32:41,080 I can see nothing when they're on. 702 00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:43,200 What about the ones that come on a bit, 703 00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:46,120 - and then they come on really slowly... - I like those ones. 704 00:32:46,120 --> 00:32:48,560 You can use those ones for, like, sort of sexy time. 705 00:32:48,560 --> 00:32:50,360 - Yeah. - If you're quick. 706 00:32:50,360 --> 00:32:52,640 "Getting brighter! It's getting brighter!" 707 00:32:54,920 --> 00:32:58,840 "Oh, I'm getting... Oh, no! Aaaarrrrgh!" 708 00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:02,400 "Get the mask! Get the mask!" 709 00:33:03,600 --> 00:33:05,520 Well, those modern energy saving light bulbs, 710 00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:07,240 they last about 2,500 hours. 711 00:33:07,240 --> 00:33:09,560 But there are lots of planned obsolescences. 712 00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:12,280 So DuPont, who invented nylon in the 1930s. 713 00:33:12,280 --> 00:33:14,920 Nylon, tough stuff, you make parachutes out of it, right? 714 00:33:14,920 --> 00:33:18,200 It's fantastic stuff. But they were reportedly told to make it fragile 715 00:33:18,200 --> 00:33:20,600 - for making nylon tights. - That's so irritating. 716 00:33:20,600 --> 00:33:22,000 Why did they do that to us? 717 00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:23,960 Do people still put nail polish on their...? 718 00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:26,280 Yeah, I used to put nail polish on, and then you'd forget, 719 00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:28,880 - and it had stuck to your leg. - Yeah. - Took a couple of hairs out, 720 00:33:28,880 --> 00:33:31,240 if you were lucky, so you didn't have to shave that bit. 721 00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:35,040 I only ever had red nail polish. I looked like a mild burns victim. 722 00:33:35,040 --> 00:33:37,120 You have to use the clear nail polish. 723 00:33:37,120 --> 00:33:40,640 Yeah. In the 1920s, the American car market was saturated, 724 00:33:40,640 --> 00:33:43,880 and the head of General Motors, a man called Alfred P Sloan, 725 00:33:43,880 --> 00:33:46,880 he came up with the idea of changing the design each year. 726 00:33:46,880 --> 00:33:49,920 That was the idea. It's called dynamic obsolescence. 727 00:33:49,920 --> 00:33:52,760 The idea is you say, "I want the new car." 728 00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:55,680 There was a man called Bernard London in 1932, wrote a book 729 00:33:55,680 --> 00:33:58,560 called Ending The Depression Through Planned Obsolescence. 730 00:33:58,560 --> 00:34:00,840 That's why they invented that ham with the face on it. 731 00:34:00,840 --> 00:34:04,000 - Sorry? - Because people bought ham, but then they were like, 732 00:34:04,000 --> 00:34:05,200 "How do we change up ham?" 733 00:34:05,200 --> 00:34:08,240 So then they put a face on it, and everyone was like, "Great. 734 00:34:08,240 --> 00:34:10,080 "Face meat. This is so much better." 735 00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:13,400 There's meat with a face on it? 736 00:34:13,400 --> 00:34:14,920 That's called a pig. 737 00:34:17,960 --> 00:34:20,320 The other thing, of course, that seems to me 738 00:34:20,320 --> 00:34:23,080 to have planned obsolescence is bloody printer cartridges. 739 00:34:23,080 --> 00:34:27,400 - Yeah. - Finally, someone's talking about the big issues. - I know! 740 00:34:27,400 --> 00:34:30,440 In North America, more than 350 million 741 00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:33,560 often not empty cartridges are dumped every single year. 742 00:34:33,560 --> 00:34:36,440 - That's a lot. - Does everybody have a printer that doesn't work, though, 743 00:34:36,440 --> 00:34:37,680 - under a chest of drawers? - Yes. 744 00:34:37,680 --> 00:34:40,480 I don't remember mine ever working, but it must have printed once. 745 00:34:40,480 --> 00:34:42,960 Now I just keep it under a chest of drawers. 746 00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:44,120 Why are you keeping it? 747 00:34:44,120 --> 00:34:46,200 Well, exactly. You've got one. We've all got one. 748 00:34:46,200 --> 00:34:48,400 - Why do we keep them? - Yeah, I've got a couple of those. 749 00:34:48,400 --> 00:34:50,840 - Yeah. - About four computers and eight phones. 750 00:34:50,840 --> 00:34:53,040 Someone's doing all right for themselves. 751 00:34:56,240 --> 00:34:59,360 I had a fax machine until fairly recently. 752 00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:00,720 Shall I tell you what I've got? 753 00:35:00,720 --> 00:35:03,360 No matter how many times you clear out the under stairs cupboard, 754 00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:04,880 there's a fondue set. 755 00:35:06,960 --> 00:35:09,440 You clear it out, you get rid of it, it goes to the charity shop. 756 00:35:09,440 --> 00:35:11,560 Next time you clear it, there's a bloody fondue set. 757 00:35:11,560 --> 00:35:15,160 Do you know what? That's the most relatable thing I've heard all day. 758 00:35:15,160 --> 00:35:17,600 Now, the object of the game is to avoid the klaxons, 759 00:35:17,600 --> 00:35:19,400 as we play General Ignorance. 760 00:35:19,400 --> 00:35:20,760 So, fingers on buzzers, please. 761 00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:24,200 What would a medieval knight call this? 762 00:35:24,200 --> 00:35:26,840 - Chain mail. - Chain mail. KLAXON 763 00:35:31,560 --> 00:35:34,600 - No, it's just mail. - Oh. - I know. 764 00:35:34,600 --> 00:35:36,640 Is that like saying PIN number? 765 00:35:36,640 --> 00:35:38,880 Yes, it is what's called a Victorian pleonasm. 766 00:35:38,880 --> 00:35:41,360 It's when you use many more words to explain something 767 00:35:41,360 --> 00:35:44,040 than is necessary, you don't really need that many words. 768 00:35:44,040 --> 00:35:47,280 - Isn't that QI? - It is QI, yes. 769 00:35:47,280 --> 00:35:50,520 It's only been called chain mail since the turn of the 19th century. 770 00:35:50,520 --> 00:35:52,080 We could save valuable time, 771 00:35:52,080 --> 00:35:54,600 couldn't we, by dropping the extra word? 772 00:35:54,600 --> 00:35:56,280 I think I'd save days a year. 773 00:35:56,280 --> 00:35:58,680 It's the same for suit of armour, because, of course, 774 00:35:58,680 --> 00:36:01,320 armour is a suit, so you don't need suit of armour. 775 00:36:01,320 --> 00:36:03,840 In Lord Of The Rings, you know they had all that chain mail? 776 00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:06,200 It took seven years to film the Lord Of The Rings films, 777 00:36:06,200 --> 00:36:09,880 and there was a man whose only job was to slice a thin plastic tube 778 00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:13,160 every single day, and in that plastic tube he made the chain mail. 779 00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:15,680 And on the special features of the DVD of Lord Of The Rings - 780 00:36:15,680 --> 00:36:17,400 it's, like, 40 hours, you can watch it... 781 00:36:17,400 --> 00:36:19,640 - Wow! We're lucky you're here tonight. - Yeah, I know. 782 00:36:19,640 --> 00:36:23,240 And this man, they said to him at the end, "So, you've been doing this for seven years." 783 00:36:23,240 --> 00:36:27,120 He went, "I wouldn't take back a day, it's been the best experience of my whole entire life." 784 00:36:27,120 --> 00:36:29,040 - But what's it for? - To make fake chain mail, 785 00:36:29,040 --> 00:36:31,320 they couldn't give them real, cos it's too heavy. 786 00:36:31,320 --> 00:36:33,480 So they made it out of plastic and sprayed it silver. 787 00:36:33,480 --> 00:36:36,360 - So, why are they remaking it every day? - Cos there were so many extras, 788 00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:38,800 there was so much to make, they had to constantly make it. 789 00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:40,760 Had everyone thrown it away at the end of the day? 790 00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:42,560 No, it's plastic, so it just kept breaking. 791 00:36:42,560 --> 00:36:46,000 And also, Viggo Mortensen probably was, like, really living it, because he was so... 792 00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:49,640 LAUGHTER 793 00:36:50,640 --> 00:36:53,000 Seriously, between that and the ham with the face, 794 00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:56,560 I have no idea what anybody is talking about. 795 00:36:56,560 --> 00:37:01,360 Moving on, medieval battles were full of mail-on-mail action. 796 00:37:01,360 --> 00:37:02,680 AUDIENCE GROANS 797 00:37:05,440 --> 00:37:07,160 Working me arse off here, people. 798 00:37:08,760 --> 00:37:11,760 What would you have seen tumbling across the prairie 799 00:37:11,760 --> 00:37:15,160 after George Washington made a terrible joke? 800 00:37:15,160 --> 00:37:16,800 ALICE GROANS 801 00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:18,760 MUSIC BOX LULLABY CHIMES Alice? 802 00:37:18,760 --> 00:37:21,440 - Tumbleweed... - KLAXON 803 00:37:24,120 --> 00:37:26,760 The answer is, we don't know whether he ever made a joke, 804 00:37:26,760 --> 00:37:29,400 is the truth of it. But we do know it wasn't tumbleweed, 805 00:37:29,400 --> 00:37:31,880 because during his lifetime there was...? 806 00:37:31,880 --> 00:37:33,440 - No tumbleweed? - No tumbleweed. 807 00:37:33,440 --> 00:37:38,280 It's native to Russia, not to the USA, and it arrived in the USA 808 00:37:38,280 --> 00:37:41,640 long after he had passed away, in the late 19th century. 809 00:37:41,640 --> 00:37:45,960 It was accidentally imported in shipments of flax seed from Russia. 810 00:37:45,960 --> 00:37:48,800 Although when you drive now, you do see it just like that. 811 00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:53,160 And a single tumbleweed can become the size of a Volkswagen Beetle. 812 00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:55,840 They can bury houses, they can fuel forest fires, 813 00:37:55,840 --> 00:37:58,320 - I mean, it is fearful stuff. - Oh, my God! 814 00:37:58,320 --> 00:38:03,120 As it tumbles, it scatters seeds up to 250,000 per plant. 815 00:38:03,120 --> 00:38:04,840 So it keeps perpetuating itself. 816 00:38:04,840 --> 00:38:09,760 And in 2016, there's a rural city in Australia called Wangaratta, 817 00:38:09,760 --> 00:38:13,120 and they were hit by a type of tumbleweed called hairy panic. 818 00:38:15,400 --> 00:38:17,840 - That could be your wrestling name, Sandi. - Yeah. 819 00:38:19,640 --> 00:38:24,200 "Here she comes, all the way from Denmark, it's Hairy Panic! 820 00:38:24,200 --> 00:38:26,120 "She's small, but she's fierce!" 821 00:38:26,120 --> 00:38:29,200 The truth is we don't know whether George Washington ever told a joke, 822 00:38:29,200 --> 00:38:31,560 but when I was a child, I grew up in the United States, 823 00:38:31,560 --> 00:38:33,600 and we celebrated Washington's birthday. 824 00:38:33,600 --> 00:38:35,600 You were made to tell George Washington jokes. 825 00:38:35,600 --> 00:38:38,840 So I've got a couple to see what you think of them, that I have recalled. 826 00:38:38,840 --> 00:38:41,440 What would George Washington be if he were alive today? 827 00:38:41,440 --> 00:38:42,720 Dead. 828 00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:46,640 If he were alive today. 829 00:38:48,120 --> 00:38:50,440 - Old. - Yes, really, really old. Well done. 830 00:38:50,440 --> 00:38:51,560 Oh. 831 00:38:51,560 --> 00:38:54,200 How did George Washington speak to his army? 832 00:38:54,200 --> 00:38:56,560 Up his sleevies? No. 833 00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:01,200 - Loudly? - In general terms. 834 00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:03,280 GROANING 835 00:39:03,280 --> 00:39:06,360 They're as good as they were when I was eight. 836 00:39:06,360 --> 00:39:09,040 - They haven't aged a day. - Not a day. 837 00:39:09,040 --> 00:39:11,880 Right, does anybody fancy a cup of tea? 838 00:39:11,880 --> 00:39:14,040 - Yes. - Tea all round? - Yes, please. Yes. - Ooh, yes. 839 00:39:14,040 --> 00:39:16,400 Yes, I feel there's not enough tea breaks. 840 00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:19,080 - So what I'm going to do, I'm going to... - Do you have any herbal? 841 00:39:19,080 --> 00:39:20,520 Jesus Christ! 842 00:39:22,720 --> 00:39:24,120 No, I haven't. 843 00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:28,680 Right, anybody know, to the nearest 100ml, 844 00:39:28,680 --> 00:39:31,880 how much water did it take to make this tea? 845 00:39:31,880 --> 00:39:34,560 - To make the whole pot? - To make the cup of tea I'm giving you. 846 00:39:34,560 --> 00:39:37,720 So one cup of tea, I'm going to... I've given you a little bit of milk. 847 00:39:37,720 --> 00:39:40,720 And everybody gets two sugars, you don't have to use them, but I'm... 848 00:39:40,720 --> 00:39:43,920 So, that's what I'm asking. There's a cup of tea. 849 00:39:43,920 --> 00:39:46,600 - Tea, Cariad? - Thanks, darling. - Thanks. - Do you want sugar? 850 00:39:46,600 --> 00:39:49,160 - Do you guys want sugar? - That's piss weak, Sandi. 851 00:39:49,160 --> 00:39:52,440 I didn't actually... I didn't make the tea. 852 00:39:52,440 --> 00:39:54,960 I have people for that. 853 00:39:54,960 --> 00:39:57,360 To the nearest 100ml? 854 00:39:57,360 --> 00:39:59,600 - 300. - 300! KLAXON 855 00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:05,080 Do you mean to the cup or in the flask? 856 00:40:05,080 --> 00:40:06,960 Yes, so one cup, to the nearest 100ml, 857 00:40:06,960 --> 00:40:09,320 - how much water did it take to make the tea? - 200. 858 00:40:09,320 --> 00:40:11,800 KLAXON 859 00:40:11,800 --> 00:40:13,320 - I sense a pattern here. - Any more? 860 00:40:13,320 --> 00:40:15,240 - 100? - 100! KLAXON 861 00:40:17,440 --> 00:40:18,640 Ten litres. 862 00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:20,840 - Ten... You're getting closer. - Oh? 863 00:40:20,840 --> 00:40:25,880 Yes. The answer is 52,000ml. 864 00:40:25,880 --> 00:40:28,280 - Oh, to grow the tea plants? - That's why it's so weak. 865 00:40:28,280 --> 00:40:30,680 - That wasn't the question! - It was, to make this... 866 00:40:30,680 --> 00:40:32,840 I'm trying to work out how much that is. 867 00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:35,040 Yes, but it's QI. 868 00:40:35,040 --> 00:40:37,960 Oh, I forgot what programme I was on! 869 00:40:37,960 --> 00:40:41,720 52 litres of water, roughly, go into white tea with two sugars. 870 00:40:41,720 --> 00:40:43,240 So we'll see how it breaks down. 871 00:40:43,240 --> 00:40:47,520 Around 30 litres to make the amount of tea in a single tea bag. 872 00:40:47,520 --> 00:40:49,520 Ten litres to make the dash of milk. 873 00:40:49,520 --> 00:40:51,880 And six litres needed for every teaspoon of sugar. 874 00:40:51,880 --> 00:40:55,800 So, 60 billion cups of tea consumed in Britain every year. 875 00:40:55,800 --> 00:40:59,480 So that gives us a footprint of 3,000 billion litres of water. 876 00:40:59,480 --> 00:41:02,200 That's about ten times the volume of water in Lake Windermere 877 00:41:02,200 --> 00:41:04,080 that is needed to make the tea for Britain. 878 00:41:04,080 --> 00:41:07,280 Imagine making Lake Windermere into a giant cup of tea. 879 00:41:07,280 --> 00:41:10,560 So, what are your cups made of? 880 00:41:10,560 --> 00:41:13,120 # Polystyrene. # 881 00:41:13,120 --> 00:41:14,920 Styrofoam? 882 00:41:14,920 --> 00:41:16,280 KLAXON 883 00:41:21,040 --> 00:41:22,280 Duh! 884 00:41:25,360 --> 00:41:26,720 APPLAUSE 885 00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:32,360 No. You're right, they're polystyrene, they're not Styrofoam. 886 00:41:32,360 --> 00:41:34,720 All right, don't pick on me. 887 00:41:34,720 --> 00:41:37,800 - That's what we have new people on for. - Oh, OK. 888 00:41:37,800 --> 00:41:41,280 Welcome to the show. So they're totally different. 889 00:41:41,280 --> 00:41:45,240 Styrofoam is extruded polystyrene, which is the stuff on the left. 890 00:41:45,240 --> 00:41:46,920 Does it come out of her bum? 891 00:41:49,640 --> 00:41:51,720 The strawberry laces she's got through. 892 00:41:51,720 --> 00:41:53,440 "How much did you want?" 893 00:41:56,080 --> 00:41:58,680 So there's a difference between extruded polystyrene, 894 00:41:58,680 --> 00:42:01,160 which is Styrofoam, and the stuff that we're drinking out of, 895 00:42:01,160 --> 00:42:02,800 which is expanded polystyrene. 896 00:42:02,800 --> 00:42:06,080 Now that you have dodged that round, let's take a look at the scores. 897 00:42:06,080 --> 00:42:10,640 And in fourth place, with a magnificent -34, it's Alan. 898 00:42:10,640 --> 00:42:12,800 - Thank you very much. - APPLAUSE 899 00:42:14,200 --> 00:42:18,160 In third place, with a very creditable -29, Sarah. 900 00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:19,920 APPLAUSE 901 00:42:21,320 --> 00:42:23,920 In second place, and considering it's her first show, 902 00:42:23,920 --> 00:42:25,800 what an incredible score, -18, Alice. 903 00:42:25,800 --> 00:42:27,480 APPLAUSE 904 00:42:28,640 --> 00:42:33,360 And, finally, in first place, with four points, Cariad! 905 00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:35,080 APPLAUSE 906 00:42:40,320 --> 00:42:45,160 Tonight's prize, Cariad, obviously... 907 00:42:45,160 --> 00:42:48,320 This lovely pair of truck nuts. There you are, congratulations. 908 00:42:48,320 --> 00:42:49,520 Thank you, thank you. 909 00:42:49,520 --> 00:42:50,840 APPLAUSE 910 00:42:55,440 --> 00:42:58,800 It only remains for me to thank Alice, Sarah, Cariad and Alan, 911 00:42:58,800 --> 00:43:02,000 and you've all been so great it's practically criminal, so let's 912 00:43:02,000 --> 00:43:07,840 break out my favourite object - confetti cannons. There we are. 913 00:43:07,840 --> 00:43:10,720 Ready? Steady, fire! 914 00:43:10,720 --> 00:43:12,400 CHEERING 915 00:43:14,800 --> 00:43:16,760 Good night. APPLAUSE