1 00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:27,560 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 2 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:33,840 Good evening! 3 00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:36,320 Welcome to QI. 4 00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:41,600 Tonight, we have a show that promises to be 5 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:43,800 an outright omnishambles, 6 00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:45,560 and trying to stay on top of it all, 7 00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:48,480 we have the cack-handed Josh Widdicombe. 8 00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:50,640 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 9 00:00:50,640 --> 00:00:53,640 The ham-fisted Stephen K Amos. 10 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:57,400 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 11 00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:59,480 The butter-fingered Cally Beaton. 12 00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:02,000 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 13 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:05,360 And the...Alan Davies. 14 00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:08,360 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 15 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:14,000 And their buzzers are going all over the place. Josh goes... 16 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:17,320 BARKING, MOOING 17 00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:20,520 That doesn't sound good, does it? 18 00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:23,320 No. It went on far longer than I'd expected, as well. 19 00:01:23,320 --> 00:01:24,640 Stephen goes... 20 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:27,280 BARKING, NEIGHING, GALLOPING 21 00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:30,440 Wow, that's terrifying. Cally goes... 22 00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:34,360 BARKING, CLUCKING 23 00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:36,160 And Alan goes... 24 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:39,520 BARKING Fenton! Fenton! Fenton! Fenton! 25 00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:43,120 APPLAUSE 26 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:48,440 OK, what's this all about? 27 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:51,240 A disgrace! 28 00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:53,040 Dangerous! 29 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:55,320 Not a very edifying spectacle! 30 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:57,600 Wretched women! What...? 31 00:01:57,600 --> 00:02:00,320 Is this about women on panel shows? 32 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:03,760 Ah, yes. Only last year, in fact, I think! 33 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:07,680 - Horrified. - Yeah. - Yeah, a bit horrifying to be here. 34 00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:11,440 So, panel shows, it's to do with games of some kind. 35 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:13,080 Is it women playing sport? 36 00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:14,960 Yes, women doing sport. 37 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,600 It was thought to be one of the most shocking things in the world. 38 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:21,040 These are descriptions of the women's 800 metres 39 00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:24,480 at the 1928 Olympics, OK? So, women had been allowed 40 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:27,360 to compete in the track and field events for the very first time, 41 00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:29,440 and the media reported that it was a disaster. 42 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:30,800 According to these reports, 43 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:33,680 out of the 11 runners, five collapsed before getting to the end, 44 00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:37,720 five fainted at the finish line and only one was still standing, 45 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:40,720 and she passed out in the dressing room moments later. 46 00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:44,520 Some of the women took 15 minutes to regain consciousness. 47 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:46,920 Those who hadn't won sobbed hysterically. 48 00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:49,720 And, as a result, the 800 metres race was deemed to be 49 00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:52,600 just too injurious to these women and it was dropped 50 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:55,240 from the Olympics for 32 years. 51 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:57,600 We can see here the German, Lena Radca, 52 00:02:57,600 --> 00:02:59,280 winning and Japan coming second. 53 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,720 She must have an early iPod in, cos she's doing something. 54 00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:06,640 In reality, there were nine women runners, 55 00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:08,680 they all completed it, no-one collapsed, 56 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:13,360 no-one became hysterical and six of them beat the existing world record. 57 00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:18,120 So, was this in the mainstream British press? 58 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:21,240 I know, it's shocking to think that the press might ever tell you 59 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:23,360 something that's not a fact. 60 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:26,400 Please don't tell me it was in the Murdoch papers! 61 00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:31,400 This wasn't the first Olympics women competed in, though, was it? 62 00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:33,640 - No. - They'd competed before. - Only in some sports. 63 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:36,160 So, the founder of the modern Olympics, Pierre de Coubertin, 64 00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:38,160 he vehemently opposed female participation, 65 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:39,560 he absolutely wasn't having it. 66 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:41,280 That's Rowan Atkinson! 67 00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:46,280 It does look like him, doesn't it?! 68 00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:48,040 Anyway, him, Pierre de Coubertin, 69 00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:50,440 he vehemently opposed female participation. 70 00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:53,280 He said it would be, "impractical, uninteresting, unaesthetic 71 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:54,600 "and improper." 72 00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:58,240 He said women's primary role should be, "to crown the victors, 73 00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:00,920 "since they were, above all, a companion to men." 74 00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:02,440 But you're absolutely right, 75 00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:05,440 they had been allowed to compete from 1900, but only in five sports, 76 00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:07,920 - and they were considered the kind of easy ones. - Sewing. 77 00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:09,760 Sewing, yes, was a big one. LAUGHTER 78 00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:12,400 It was tennis, croquet, golf, sailing and equestrian. 79 00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:14,440 And the women got fed up with this. 80 00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:18,040 So, in 1922, they held their own Olympics in Paris. 81 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:20,160 20,000 people attended. 82 00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:23,200 - Oh, wow! - There were 18 world records set. 83 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:25,640 One of the more unusual events is that one on the right, 84 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:27,120 it's the two-handed javelin. 85 00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:30,240 And athletes had to throw once with their right hand, then once 86 00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:33,280 with their left hand, and the score was the combined distance 87 00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:36,000 - of the two throws. - So a sort of ambidextrous javelin. 88 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:39,560 - Yes, yes. - Yeah. - And then your team-mate had to catch it! - Yes. 89 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,760 I wouldn't want to be the one who had to measure it 90 00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:44,160 when people were throwing the javelin left-handed. 91 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:45,880 But one of the great... 92 00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:49,960 Is that two together that you're doing? 93 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:52,880 That's two, that's getting the javelin and throwing them. 94 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:56,400 - Quite difficult, I'd have thought. - I would think it was quite tricky. 95 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:59,160 I think she's going too far up, that one, it's going to go straight up 96 00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:01,360 - and down in front of her. - Her trajectory is all wrong. 97 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:04,200 One of the reasons why women wanted to take part in the Olympics was the 98 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:07,520 incredibly restricted clothing that they wore in the traditional games. 99 00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:10,840 So, up until the mid 1900s, female swimmers had to wear blouses 100 00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:12,640 and bloomers in the pool. 101 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:15,280 They used to play tennis in dresses that covered the ankle 102 00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:18,680 and multiple petticoats and corsets, and so on. Shoes with heels. 103 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:21,160 But I think that's why it took so long for women 104 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:24,880 to get involved in sports, because I run, and it's all about two bras. 105 00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:26,760 - Yeah. - Keeping... Nothing should move. 106 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:28,960 Because otherwise, honestly, take your eye out. 107 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:30,720 Yeah. Yeah. 108 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:32,800 I feel like giving tips out at race days, 109 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:35,120 sometimes to middle-aged men, to be honest. 110 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:41,120 I was not a really big sports fan at school at all, because I come 111 00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:44,240 from quite a big family, and all my stuff was hand-me-downs. 112 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:47,440 So I'd be the only boy on the sports field with a training bra. 113 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:51,160 So, I know what you're talking about, yeah. 114 00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:55,560 The very first American woman to win an Olympic medal, 115 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:57,640 she never knew she'd done it. 116 00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:01,280 Her name was Margaret Abbott, she won the golf in 1900, 117 00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:04,200 but the entire tournament was such a shambles that she assumed 118 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:07,120 - it was just a regular sports contest. - What, she didn't realise 119 00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:09,920 - it was the Olympics? - She didn't realise it was the Olympics. 120 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:12,080 In fact she died in 1955 without ever realising 121 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:14,840 that she'd earned an Olympic medal. And, in fact, her mother 122 00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:16,720 also entered the same competition in 1900. 123 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:19,680 That's the only instance we have of mother and daughter taking part 124 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,320 - in the same Olympics. - During the London Olympics... - Yeah? 125 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:24,280 ..I went for a run and I live in East London, 126 00:06:24,280 --> 00:06:28,360 so there's a chance I don't know that I've won gold. 127 00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:30,920 And now is the moment that we can... 128 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:33,840 Surprise, surprise! 129 00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:37,000 - Have you run marathons, Cally, have you done...? - Yes, I have. - You have? 130 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:41,080 - Have you? - I ran the London marathon, I wore three bras that day. 131 00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:43,720 - Because it was a special occasion. - Yeah, no. 132 00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:45,880 So, I did, I quite enjoyed it in a strange way. 133 00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:48,000 But I've got two teenage kids at home, 134 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:50,680 - so I'm just glad to get out of the house. - Yes. 135 00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:54,680 Well, there was a huge thing about the marathon, so, 1967, 136 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:57,520 there was a woman in the United States called Kathy Switzer, 137 00:06:57,520 --> 00:06:59,440 and she attempted to run the Boston marathon, 138 00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:00,960 there's a very famous photograph. 139 00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:04,200 The person on the right of her is the race official 140 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:05,600 called Jock Semple. 141 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:08,800 He attempted to tear the number off her back, he was so angry, 142 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:11,160 and that's her boyfriend trying to make sure 143 00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:12,680 that she can actually finish. 144 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:14,760 And afterwards the man in charge of the race, 145 00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:17,400 the Boston Athletic Association Director, Will Cloney, 146 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,840 asked his opinion of her competing in the race. 147 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,360 He said, "I don't make the rules, but I try to carry them out. 148 00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:23,960 "We have no space in the marathon 149 00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:26,000 "for any unauthorised person, even a man. 150 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:28,760 "If that girl were my daughter, I would spank her." 151 00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:31,600 She did finish, but it would be another five years before 152 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:35,040 - the rules changed. It was just... - Tell you what, men are wankers. 153 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,160 LAUGHTER 154 00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:39,440 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 155 00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:43,920 Anyway, moving on. 156 00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:46,440 When is it cool to wet your pants? 157 00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:50,040 Is it when it's, like, in a hot situation? 158 00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:52,240 Obviously, we're going to be, yes, somewhere hot. 159 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:55,280 Somewhere where your wee is cooler than everything else around you. 160 00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:57,000 OK. It's... 161 00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:00,080 Or if you've had a really cold drink and you get it out quick. 162 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:03,080 Is it to do with, um, jellyfish, you know, 163 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:04,360 when you have to pee on a... 164 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:07,440 - Because my daughter got stung by a jellyfish in South Africa. - Right. 165 00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:10,840 And she was crying, really upset, and so I pulled my tankini - 166 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:13,440 which is what older women wear instead of a bikini - 167 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:16,040 I pulled it to the side to pee, and the sight 168 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:19,160 of my pulled-to-the-side gusset fully stopped her crying. 169 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:20,680 I would imagine. 170 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:22,480 It worked really well. 171 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,200 And she begged me not to pee on the sting. 172 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:26,800 - No. - Is it to do...? No. - Does she still have dreams about this? 173 00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:29,560 - She does. We're working on it. - It's best. - We're working it through. 174 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:31,920 I think we're all going to have dreams about it, aren't we? 175 00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:35,040 Is it in space? 176 00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:36,600 It is not in space. 177 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,040 We're not doing people at all, 178 00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:40,000 and "wet their pants" is more of a... 179 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:42,280 What's another expression for pant? 180 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:46,680 - An animal panting. - Oh. - An animal panting. It is ostriches, in fact. 181 00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:49,200 Ostriches have a phenomenal capacity for water. 182 00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:52,360 They can swallow up to ten litres of water in one go. 183 00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:55,120 And then what they do is, they pant really quickly, 184 00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:57,800 so that the air that they bring into their bodies evaporates 185 00:08:57,800 --> 00:08:59,960 the water, and it works exactly the same way as us 186 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:03,440 evaporating sweat on our skin, in order to keep us cool. 187 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,360 And they have to avoid getting too much oxygen 188 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:07,600 into their bloodstream while they do this, and so, 189 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:10,040 as they pant, their windpipe redirects the air away 190 00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:12,840 from the lungs. Essentially, they pant without breathing. 191 00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:15,280 Did you know this? They're the only birds to have a bladder. 192 00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:17,560 Birds do not wee, because they'd be too heavy to be 193 00:09:17,560 --> 00:09:19,320 carrying around a big bladder, and so on. 194 00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:21,880 But the flightless ostrich can cope with the extra thing. 195 00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:24,440 So there's a little takeaway for you - birds don't wee. 196 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:26,240 - Who knew that? - Wow! 197 00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:28,040 Any creature that's got an eye here 198 00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:31,280 - and an eye there that goes that way, nah. - Yes. 199 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:35,080 It's not right! 200 00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:39,640 The thing that we know about them is that it's possible that they dream. 201 00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:41,920 What do you think an ostrich would dream of? 202 00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:43,960 - Flying, it might dream it could fly like we do. - Yeah. 203 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:46,120 - Because it can't, can it? - No, they're just too heavy, 204 00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:48,880 because they are between six and nine foot in height. 205 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:51,040 And they're 140lbs to sometimes as much as 300lbs. 206 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:53,000 But look at that massive wingspan. 207 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,720 I really do think they're quite creepy. 208 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:57,960 Would you like them more if they could fly? Can you imagine that? 209 00:09:57,960 --> 00:09:59,480 This thing in the sky, argh! 210 00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:02,200 - Ugh! - Do you think they'd fly with their necks up, 211 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:04,680 or would they just put their necks forward? 212 00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:09,360 Or their neck up, looking behind them. 213 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:10,840 "WHOA!" 214 00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:16,720 "Whoa-ho! Ho-ho-ho!" 215 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:19,040 I imagine they'd do that all the time. 216 00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:20,800 The first one that went up would do that. 217 00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:22,520 I'd like to have an ostrich, though, 218 00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:25,600 because one scrambled ostrich egg is the same as 25 chicken eggs, 219 00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:28,440 so you'd only have to go and collect the one. That would be... 220 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:31,360 And that would save you time, because normally you have to make 221 00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:32,880 25 chicken eggs in the morning. 222 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:34,440 I know. It's a nightmare. 223 00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:37,400 The other thing about them is, their legs go the wrong way. 224 00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:41,720 So, when they're running, if you show an ostrich running 225 00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:43,800 and reverse the film, it looks like a person. 226 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:45,720 It looks like Bernie Clifton. 227 00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:49,320 There, you can see, right, if you look at it, 228 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:52,600 it looks like it's running that way, but its body is on backwards. 229 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:55,040 - Yeah. Yeah. - Do you get it, are you seeing it now?! 230 00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:58,000 - So if it was running that way, you'd think, "Yeah." - "Yeah, fair enough." 231 00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:00,240 - Yeah. - That's like, that's Bernie Clifton, right. 232 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:01,760 But Bernie's got to get his... 233 00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:05,000 - If he'd had major surgery in about 1972... - Yeah. 234 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:08,080 Alan, it sounds like you've done quite a lot of research on this. 235 00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:10,800 I did, I shared a dressing room with Bernie Clifton at the recent 236 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:12,720 - Royal Variety Performance. - Did you? 237 00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:15,280 - Did you? - Oh. - Me, Bernie Clifton and the Chuckle Brothers. 238 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:20,520 - I swear to God, it was... - Talk about knowing your place in showbiz. 239 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:24,720 - I'll tell you what... - I'm 51 now, right... 240 00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:27,880 I've been doing stand-up for a very long time, nearly 30 years, 241 00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:31,880 and I was such a junior person in that room. 242 00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:33,400 I loved it, absolutely loved it! 243 00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:36,480 And the older... I cannot remember the Chuckle Brothers' names. 244 00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:39,120 - Paul and Barry. - Paul and Barry, but, yeah, I can't remember... 245 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:40,680 LAUGHTER 246 00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:43,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 247 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:47,200 I knew that one day I'd get something on QI! 248 00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:49,520 - Who knew it was going to be that? - I can't remember which. 249 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:53,200 I've been waiting for that to come up four series! 250 00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:56,360 One of them went out, that was Paul went out, went round looking, 251 00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:59,280 there were a lot of dancers about to socialise with, you know. 252 00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:03,160 And me and Barry and Bernie, we all stayed in the room 253 00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:06,440 and a girl was sort of allocated to look after us. 254 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:08,880 "Do you want anything?" And Barry goes, 255 00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:11,040 "Wouldn't mind a tea. Can we have a tea?" 256 00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:12,960 And she goes, "Do you want any sugar?" 257 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:16,680 - And Barry goes, "Yeah, six." - Six sugars? 258 00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:19,240 That's what she said. "Six?!" And he goes, 259 00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:23,520 "Are they sachets?" And she said, "They are." 260 00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:24,960 And he goes, "Yeah, six." 261 00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:28,240 It was absolutely incredible. 262 00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:29,640 I was in heaven. 263 00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:33,360 I like to think that they totally ignored you for the whole time. 264 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:34,920 They had no idea who I was. 265 00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:40,240 But you're right about the legs, 266 00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:43,200 and look at the extraordinary feet of the ostrich, they're amazing. 267 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:45,640 So, the scientific name is Struthio camelus, 268 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,840 so it's from the ancient Greek, it literally means "camel sparrow." 269 00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:51,680 And the Greeks considered it similar to the camel because if you look 270 00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:54,400 at the hooves of the ostrich and you look at the hooves of the camel. 271 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,400 Hang on, what's what? The ostrich is on the left? 272 00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,520 The ostrich is on the left, the camel on the right. 273 00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:02,080 - Look at those toes. - That toenail, that needs bringing in, doesn't it?! 274 00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:06,560 He's getting through some socks with that, isn't he? 275 00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:09,840 Unlike any other bird and also they have this in common with camels, 276 00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:13,160 ostrich's have eyelashes. That's a thing. They can bat them at you. 277 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:15,720 - That was a good noise you made there. - Yeah. 278 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:19,720 - "Ooh." - It's all just, it's just, oh, no. 279 00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:22,240 I just did not know you were anti-ostrich. I just... 280 00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:26,760 - I've tried ostrich steak before. - CALLY: - Yeah, I've had it as well. 281 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:29,680 They sell it in Aldi now. They do, they do. 282 00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:31,200 - STEPHEN: - Where is this place? 283 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:36,320 - I ate it in Swaziland, because they dished up goat steak. - Right. 284 00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:39,280 And I said I was vegetarian, so they gave me ostrich steak. 285 00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:42,200 And I wasn't vegetarian, I just said it 286 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:43,680 because I didn't want to eat goat. 287 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,840 Yeah. Is it lean? Is it sort of lean? 288 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:48,240 It's lean, it's actually... Aldi were promoting it as being very lean 289 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:50,400 - and cheaper... - STEPHEN: - Stop saying Aldi. 290 00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:52,320 - CALLY: - ..and better for you than beef. 291 00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:55,000 Right. We must try this Aldi place. 292 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:01,360 Oh, come, come, come, are we at war? I don't think so. 293 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:07,000 - All these supermarkets are like anagrams at the moment. - Yeah. 294 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:08,760 Why can't they have a proper word? 295 00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:11,440 - Like what, what would you like it to be called? - Sainsbury's. 296 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:17,680 Am I the only person here who isn't being sponsored by a supermarket? 297 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:22,600 Can I just say, Waitrose is excellent value for money. 298 00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,680 APPLAUSE 299 00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:26,200 Applause for Waitrose! 300 00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:30,200 You're not on Take Me Out, audience. 301 00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:35,920 Right, moving on. 302 00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:39,080 What's the wrong way to get out of a car? 303 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:40,600 Sunroof. 304 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:42,520 Yeah, that's not good, is it? 305 00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:45,120 But let's all imagine we're driving in the UK. 306 00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:46,960 So, let's all do driving. 307 00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:48,680 Can I do MY driving, please? 308 00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:59,400 - Driving, we arrive... - I drive like this. 309 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:02,480 - I'm going to park, brake... - Yeah. - OK, brake now. 310 00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:04,320 So, you're in a right-hand drive. 311 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,320 Brake, yeah. So now I want you to open the door. 312 00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:09,160 - Open the door. - Yeah. - You've done it like that. What have you done? 313 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:10,840 Like that. So, none of that... 314 00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:13,520 HOOTER 315 00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:16,520 And if you never learn anything else from this show, 316 00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:19,200 learn this thing, which I think is wonderful. 317 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:23,040 You should always do what is called the Dutch Reach. 318 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:25,320 You have to open with the hand... Exactly that. 319 00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:26,560 Furthest from the door. 320 00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:29,960 And it makes you automatically look over your shoulder. 321 00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:33,120 It's to spot, particularly, oncoming cyclists. 322 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:35,120 So, in the Netherlands it is required 323 00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:36,640 as part of the driving test, 324 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:39,680 and it prevents what's called "dooring," which is basically 325 00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:41,840 just hitting a cyclist with your car door. 326 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:44,280 Do you not think it's the simplest... 327 00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:46,320 It's brilliant, it's brilliant. 328 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:49,040 But it suggests that when people get out of their car this way, 329 00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:51,200 - that they just go... - And they do. They do. 330 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,720 So, you know that noise that, if he shuts that door, 331 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:56,360 it's going to make a sort of clunking noise, it's fake. 332 00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:59,400 - Did you know this? - No! - Yes, it's a throwback to the olden days. 333 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:02,040 So, we like that noise. It's the first thing we hear 334 00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:03,400 when we get into a new car. 335 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:04,960 So, what happened about 15 years ago, 336 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:07,360 new safety standards meant the door design was changed 337 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:09,440 and it also changed the noise when it closed. 338 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:11,680 And it made it sort of tinny and metallic. 339 00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:14,720 So, they changed the mechanism to make that sound. 340 00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:18,480 So, the door doesn't need to make that sound, that clunking thing. 341 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:21,080 - Wow. - But actually we want it to. 342 00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:22,840 - We like that noise. - Oh, it's nice. - Yeah. 343 00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:25,000 If they can choose the noise, I'd have like, you know 344 00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:26,920 like spooky, creaking door. 345 00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:30,840 So, the idea of making cars seem a little bit old-fashioned 346 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:33,720 is not a new idea. 1899, a patent was filed 347 00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:37,240 for a Horsey Horseless vehicle, and it was a motorcar 348 00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:40,760 with a full-size wooden horse head attached to the front. 349 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:42,960 - Amazing. - That is brilliant. - And the idea was, 350 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,720 if the car looked like a horse, it wouldn't scare the other horses. 351 00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:49,040 I think if I was a horse and I saw the head of a horse... 352 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:53,600 ..I would think it would cause more problems than it would solve. 353 00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:56,200 I'd have an ostrich on the front of mine. 354 00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,560 Bernie Clifton driving it. 355 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:02,600 So, out of the car and into the closet. 356 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:05,400 What's the most exciting thing you can do in a cupboard that 357 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:08,200 begins with O? 358 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:09,920 Orlando Bloom. 359 00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:13,280 APPLAUSE 360 00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:18,320 I organise my pants. 361 00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:21,120 - Organising is a good one, yes. - Organising, yeah, I enjoy that. 362 00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:24,160 - Yeah. - Do you organise your pants, Josh? - Not my pants, but you know. 363 00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:26,000 - What? - What would you organise? 364 00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:27,880 Well, just like a soiree. 365 00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:33,520 Are you saying you put your pants in a cupboard? 366 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:36,360 Well, you can do, darling, it's not that weird. 367 00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:39,200 No, I thought a cupboard was like, you know, in the kitchen. 368 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:43,400 - So, it's a new thing, you sometimes have cupboards in bedrooms. - Yeah. 369 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:48,120 It's never going to take off, you're absolutely right. 370 00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:50,760 That's the larder. I call the cupboard in the kitchen the larder. 371 00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:52,960 Yeah. We've all got different names for these things. 372 00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:54,480 And in the bedroom, it's the cupboard 373 00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:56,720 - or the hanging one's a wardrobe. - Because my girlfriend, 374 00:17:56,720 --> 00:18:00,440 - who I live with, has got too many... - She's in a cupboard? 375 00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:03,200 Oh, I understand that, I spent years in the closet. 376 00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:05,000 I totally understand that. 377 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:08,320 APPLAUSE 378 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:12,640 When you say...exciting, do you mean...? 379 00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:15,200 - Yes, something exciting, yes. - Like physically... 380 00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:17,760 Unbelievably physically exciting. So, who is this in the picture? 381 00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:20,440 Boris Becker. Because he conceived a child in a cupboard, didn't he? 382 00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:22,240 - STEPHEN: - Yes. - We are in a sexual area. 383 00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:24,040 - CALLY: - So, orgasming in a cupboard. 384 00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:26,560 It is an orgasm in a cupboard, but it's a very specific one. 385 00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,800 - So... - Oh, not that Woody Allen film, The Orgasmatron. 386 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,520 It is exactly this sort of thing. 387 00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:33,400 So, in 1940 there was an Austrian psychologist called 388 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:36,280 Wilhelm Reich, and he started building... There he is. 389 00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:38,480 - Doesn't look bonkers at all. - Ooh, look at him. 390 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:41,800 He's got Chris Packham's haircut. 391 00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:45,040 He wanted to harness the power of a force that he called "orgone" - 392 00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:48,880 an amalgam of orgasm and ozone. And he said other people call it God. 393 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:52,000 He believed it was all around us, that it was what made the sky blue, 394 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:55,440 for instance. So, the idea was that you had one of these compartments, 395 00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:58,000 you climbed naked into his special cupboard - this 396 00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,880 is for illustration purposes only, but ideally she should be naked. 397 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:04,520 - No way. - And you absorbed the concentrated orgone within it, 398 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:07,360 to reach a state of sexual satisfaction. 399 00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:10,480 And that could cure anything from, I don't know, cancer to blisters. 400 00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:12,840 - It was really, it was a full-range thing. - So... 401 00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:16,920 But are the people in that box, are they volunteers or hostages? 402 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:20,200 - No, people wanted to do this. It was hugely popular. - Oh, OK. 403 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:21,920 - What year was, when was this? - So, 1940. 404 00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:24,600 He believed that sexual repression was responsible for almost 405 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:27,440 all physical and psychological and emotional problems, and so on. 406 00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:31,200 - I think that's fair. - He was a slightly strange fellow. So... 407 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:33,000 - No shit! - Yeah. 408 00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:35,680 Does it clean itself, like one of those toilets? 409 00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:39,520 - GROANING Well, none of it's... - "I've finished!" 410 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:42,920 It was very, very popular, lots of celebrities owned these cupboards. 411 00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:45,920 JD Salinger, Norman Mailer, Sean Connery had one. 412 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:49,280 - AS SEAN CONNERY: - "Sure, let's go into the cupboard." 413 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:54,080 The vibrator was developed by Victorian doctors, you'll know this. 414 00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:56,920 - Yeah, I do. - It was, wasn't it to stop women being hysterical? 415 00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:58,160 You're absolutely right. 416 00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:00,560 So it's widely believed that it was very damaging to women 417 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:03,600 - if they didn't orgasm enough. - Yeah. - And I think that's entirely true. 418 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:07,760 They had steam-operated vibrators, the first ones. 419 00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:09,760 - Yes. - So I'm just wondering why, 420 00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:12,640 he's a bit late to the party with this cumbersome vibrator. 421 00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:16,160 Well, this doesn't actually touch your pudenda in any way. 422 00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:18,440 - But how's it...? - It's this thing called orgone, 423 00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:20,080 which he believed was in the ether 424 00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:22,320 and that it would accumulate within the cupboard, 425 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:24,480 - and this would make you feel... - Oh, so that's a mask? 426 00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:27,040 No, it's just to go into the cupboard, it's an orgone shooter. 427 00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:29,640 I can't... I'm trying to make it more sensible than it really is. 428 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:32,120 - Right. - Does it work? 429 00:20:32,120 --> 00:20:35,320 No. The US courts formally declared that orgone doesn't exist 430 00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:38,120 and all of the cupboards were ordered to be destroyed, 431 00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:40,200 all of the literature, and, in fact... 432 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:43,200 Destroyed? You could just convert it into a pant cupboard, couldn't you? 433 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:44,320 Yeah, you could have done. 434 00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:47,840 Reich was imprisoned for not complying with the ban, 435 00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:50,040 and so he actually ended up dying in prison. 436 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,800 But you're absolutely right, this whole thing about orgasm, 437 00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:55,680 Victorian doctors, it was not uncommon, women with hysteria, 438 00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:58,000 that they needed to get rid, they thought it was anxiety, 439 00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:01,040 irritability, bloated stomach, any of these things could be got rid of. 440 00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:05,520 And the prescription was to have a pelvic massage. 441 00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:07,880 And it was a routine part of doctors' work. 442 00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:10,680 LAUGHTER 443 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:12,720 That's a water jet, is it? 444 00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:15,360 It looks like one of those Olympic sports. 445 00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:19,280 And now... 446 00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:21,600 ..35 feet. Personal best. 447 00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:25,800 Only 35 feet, Alan? 448 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:27,720 I think I can do better than that. 449 00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:31,440 Apparently it was really boring. It was really, really boring. 450 00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:33,520 Yeah, they used to complain about it, didn't they? 451 00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:35,080 The doctors thought it was dull work, 452 00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:37,600 and so there was a doctor called Dr J Mortimer Granville, 453 00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:39,920 and he pioneered the very first vibrator. 454 00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:41,960 It was known as Granville's Hammer... 455 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:45,760 ..with which you percussed yourself. 456 00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:48,680 Did he used to just hit women on the head? "Pull yourself together now." 457 00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:52,440 - "It's great. The Barker." - Yeah. 458 00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:54,600 That quote isn't attributed to anyone. 459 00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:57,560 - Where are you looking? - That should say, "It's great. 460 00:21:57,560 --> 00:21:59,280 - "The Evening Standard." - Yes. 461 00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:02,200 I think that man is telling you how marvellous it is, Mr James Barker. 462 00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:04,880 - Oh. - And that smile on his face, do you reckon he's using one himself? 463 00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:08,760 - Oh, this is for girls only, this one. - Oh, what? Oh, really? 464 00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:11,080 - For girls only. CALLY: - Stephen begs to differ, don't you? 465 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:12,640 Apparently, we've all been there. 466 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:15,720 OK, moving on. 467 00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:19,800 Wilhelm Reich thought the solution to all our problems 468 00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:21,680 was an orgasm in a cupboard. 469 00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:26,600 What definitely won't happen to you when you sneeze? 470 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:29,120 You won't have a 16th of an orgasm. 471 00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:31,120 - Isn't it a tenth? - Is it a tenth? 472 00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:33,240 But that might be inflation, I don't know. 473 00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:36,760 Is there a, is there a little thrill to be had from sneezing? 474 00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:38,400 Apparently, well, that was the myth, 475 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:40,640 - that if you sneezed, you'd go... - HE SIGHS 476 00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:46,520 But you can't physically sneeze with your eyes open, isn't that right? 477 00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:49,240 Yeah, well, we did say that sneezing with your eyes open can't 478 00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:52,840 make them pop out, but in fact, that is not entirely correct. 479 00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:55,760 If you have something called floppy eyelid syndrome, 480 00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:59,400 a sneeze can in fact force your eyeball out of your socket. 481 00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:01,280 And we're all going to have a go! 482 00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:04,160 So, like this. 483 00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:07,000 So, it would be like that, and then you... Atchoo! 484 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:09,520 And out they pop. So that's so you can see. 485 00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:15,960 Give it a go, have a sneeze. 486 00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:17,600 Atchoo! 487 00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:21,600 So, there's a technical name for it. 488 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:24,120 So, if your eyeball actually pops out, spontaneous... 489 00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:25,360 ATCHOO! 490 00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:30,880 GROANING 491 00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:34,320 Spontaneous globe luxation is what it's called. 492 00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:37,280 So, mostly obese men get this syndrome where your eyelid 493 00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:40,440 can pop out. So the upper eyelid becomes very floppy 494 00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:42,120 and it's easily turned inside-out. 495 00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:45,480 What would the medical advice be if your eyeball popped out? 496 00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:47,120 - Oh... - Pop it back. - Put it on ice. 497 00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:49,000 Get it back in as quickly as possible, yeah. 498 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:52,360 No, don't put it on ice, darling, it's still attached, most likely. 499 00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:53,640 If it's still attached, 500 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:56,560 look round corners that you couldn't previously look round. 501 00:23:57,880 --> 00:23:59,280 - That's a good idea. - Yeah. 502 00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:00,880 Keeping an eye on you. 503 00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:03,560 Just draw eyes on the eyelids. 504 00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:05,840 - So, people think you can still see them. - Yeah. - But then 505 00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:08,600 - you walk into things and you can't. - No, but what are you going to do 506 00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:11,080 about the eyeball that's out? Are you just going to leave it 507 00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:14,000 - hanging on your cheek? What are you going to do there? - Come Halloween, 508 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,040 your trick or treating is going to be top notch. 509 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:19,320 Atchoo! Argh! 510 00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:22,520 I think the main advice is to get a medical person to do it, don't you? 511 00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:25,400 And apparently they use a tool that looks a bit like a bent paperclip, 512 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:26,680 which I think would be... 513 00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:28,440 GROANING Yes. 514 00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:30,160 There was an American basketball player 515 00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:32,160 called Akil Mitchell, in early 2017. 516 00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:36,280 - No! - He got poked in the eye during a game, he fell to the ground, 517 00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:37,680 he was clutching his face. 518 00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:40,720 And he described afterwards that he knew something was wrong because he 519 00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:44,520 could feel his eyeball on his cheek, and could still see out of it. 520 00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:47,440 GROANING 521 00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:48,760 Oh, my God! 522 00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:50,480 And they popped it back in all right? 523 00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:52,400 They popped it back, he's absolutely fine now. 524 00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:55,160 Can you just do it with your finger? Do you need the paperclip thing? 525 00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:56,880 - No, my advice is to... - If it happens. 526 00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:59,000 Honestly, this is a moment for a doctor. 527 00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:03,240 If you have a child and one of their eyeballs fall out, don't go, 528 00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:04,880 "Darling, stop fussing," and... 529 00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:09,040 But losing your eye, there's a famous moment in history, 530 00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:12,680 Federico da Montefeltro, he was a famous military man during the 531 00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:16,560 Renaissance in Italy, and he lost an eye during a jousting tournament. 532 00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:19,920 And he was so paranoid about plans to assassinate him, 533 00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:22,280 and the fact that he couldn't see out of one side of his face, 534 00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:25,400 he had a notch cut, he basically had the bridge of his nose cut off 535 00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:28,480 so that he could still see on the other side. 536 00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:30,360 - So he could see across. - Oh, my God! 537 00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:35,640 Now, who would like to see a seriously eye-popping demonstration? 538 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:37,800 As long as no-one's eye is coming out. 539 00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:39,400 I don't like this whole area. 540 00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:41,320 No, it's not that. So, what we're going to do... 541 00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:43,360 - If you get out a hoover now... - Have a look at this. 542 00:25:43,360 --> 00:25:45,520 So, let me just put this here. 543 00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:48,360 And hopefully I'm going to get this the right way round. 544 00:25:48,360 --> 00:25:51,520 - Then I have... - Is that a steam-powered vibrator, Sandi? No? 545 00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:53,200 No, it's adapted. OK. 546 00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:56,400 So we can see that we have got a mirror here, 547 00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:58,360 and if you look at this one, you can see squares, 548 00:25:58,360 --> 00:26:01,000 and if you look in the mirror, you can see circles. 549 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:03,640 And if I take this one and I turn it, you can 550 00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:07,800 see a square up here and a circle down here. 551 00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:09,920 And if I then carry on turning it, 552 00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:15,920 and we keep going round like this, you will see that this one at the 553 00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:17,440 bottom will turn into a square 554 00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:20,920 - and that one will turn into a circle. - Witchcraft! 555 00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:24,280 It is. I'm going to move that out the way, so I can get my hand in. 556 00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:26,720 You can see the square, and you can see the circles in there. 557 00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:30,080 And, as I turn, and I keep turning it like this, 558 00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:35,600 you'll see it change and the one in the mirror becomes the square, 559 00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:38,440 - and this one here becomes the circles. - Oh, I don't like this. 560 00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:43,400 - Ooh! - And the same with this one here, as I turn it... It is 561 00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:47,400 faintly astonishing, isn't it, you can see it becoming the circles. 562 00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:50,120 - Oh, wow! - And then the squares. - That's amazing. 563 00:26:50,120 --> 00:26:52,160 - What's happening?! - I know! It is called 564 00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:55,160 the Ambiguous Cylinder Illusion. It is designed by a man... 565 00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:58,760 - Catchy name. - Yeah. - It is a catchy name. 566 00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:02,120 Designed by a man called Dr Sugihara Kokichi. 567 00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:05,160 And from one angle, the shapes look circular, 568 00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:08,280 while in the other angle they look like cuboids. And, in fact, 569 00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:10,040 they are a cross between the two. 570 00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:12,760 Squircles, or rather, squircle prisms. 571 00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:15,360 And if you want to make this at home, you absolutely can. 572 00:27:15,360 --> 00:27:18,000 Just look up "Ambiguous Cylinder Illusion cut-out" 573 00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:19,800 and there's a template for a paper version. 574 00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:22,600 So you can work out how to do it. So I'm just going to put that one 575 00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:24,360 - away. - That's amazing. - It IS amazing. 576 00:27:24,360 --> 00:27:26,880 Do give it a go, because I think it's really extraordinary. 577 00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:29,200 And the fact that our brains are flawed in this way is what 578 00:27:29,200 --> 00:27:30,600 distinguishes us from robots. 579 00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:32,680 Robots won't be fooled by optical illusions, 580 00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:34,800 only human beings are fooled by optical illusions. 581 00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:37,920 There's a very famous thing called the Adelson chequerboard illusion. 582 00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:40,280 So, this is a chequerboard, all right? 583 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:43,440 And if you look at it, you would imagine that there are light 584 00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:45,240 squares and there are dark squares. 585 00:27:45,240 --> 00:27:46,920 But, in fact, what's happened is, 586 00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:49,880 the green cylinder there has cast a shadow. 587 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:52,560 And what happens is, our eyes correct. 588 00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:58,120 What is the truth of that is A and B are exactly the same colour. 589 00:27:58,120 --> 00:28:01,520 - So if you see... - No! - If we join them together, so just those squares, 590 00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:03,160 but because we have understood 591 00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:04,880 there's a shadow from the green cylinder, 592 00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:08,920 we have, in our minds, made B a lighter colour. 593 00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:11,320 But, actually, A and B are exactly the same colour. 594 00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:14,520 - And... - Oh, is this how the robots are going to finally defeat us? 595 00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:17,480 - Well, this is certainly... - They'll chase us into a Escher painting. 596 00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:21,400 Yes! But it's how computers may eventually be able to distinguish 597 00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:24,080 a bot from a person, because you could give a test like this. 598 00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:26,880 If you get the answer wrong, then you're human. 599 00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:29,680 Because, even though I've told you A and B are the same colour, 600 00:28:29,680 --> 00:28:31,720 when you look back to the one on the left, 601 00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:33,960 you believe that they are different colours. 602 00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:35,440 - Yeah. - I still don't believe you. 603 00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:40,760 Anyway, what's the most frightening thing you could find in an orchard? 604 00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:44,400 Half a maggot in your apple. 605 00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:49,040 Oh, that is a horrible thing, yeah. Yeah. What else? 606 00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:52,920 Some sort of lethal fruit-destroying insect, or something like that? 607 00:28:52,920 --> 00:28:54,880 - Scrumpers. - It is an old practice. 608 00:28:54,880 --> 00:28:57,400 People used to go scrumping, didn't they? 609 00:28:57,400 --> 00:28:59,800 - Yeah, they did where I grew up. - In Devon. - Yeah, yeah. 610 00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:01,880 - Where did you grow up? - I was Dorset. Were you Devon? 611 00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:04,080 - I was Devon, oh. - How did we not scrump together, Josh? 612 00:29:04,080 --> 00:29:07,920 - I know... - Because I'm old enough to be your mum, that's partly why. 613 00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:12,200 - STEPHEN: - I'm from the big city, so "scrumping"? - Stealing apples. 614 00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:15,120 Stealing apples. Oh, theft? Oh. 615 00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:27,440 So, it's something ancient called "wassailing" or "apple howling." 616 00:29:27,440 --> 00:29:30,160 It's the practice of shouting at apple trees to get them 617 00:29:30,160 --> 00:29:33,000 to bear good fruit. And it dates back to at least the 16th century. 618 00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:36,280 Go out there going, "Pears! PEARS!" 619 00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:42,960 There's an old English folk song called the Wassailing Song. 620 00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:45,520 Yeah, there are lots of wassailing songs, and they used to beat 621 00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:48,400 the trees while they were singing. It's to drive out the evil spirits, 622 00:29:48,400 --> 00:29:50,120 to make sure that we get jolly good fruit. 623 00:29:50,120 --> 00:29:52,440 They used to pour cider onto the roots. 624 00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:55,200 And then, this is one I don't get, tie slices of toast 625 00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:57,480 to the trunks of the tree. 626 00:29:57,480 --> 00:29:59,400 That's just drunk people. 627 00:29:59,400 --> 00:30:02,240 But the tradition is kept up in Somerset and Devon orchards today. 628 00:30:02,240 --> 00:30:04,680 It's supposed to take place on the 12th day of Christmas, 629 00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:07,320 but it quite often takes place on January 17th. Why would that be? 630 00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:09,920 They got the dates wrong? I don't know, what's happening there? 631 00:30:09,920 --> 00:30:12,520 No, it's the historical root, so it corresponds to the 12th day 632 00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:14,520 of Christmas before the calendar was changed. 633 00:30:14,520 --> 00:30:18,680 - It was changed in 1752. - Oh. - But orchards, hugely popular. 634 00:30:18,680 --> 00:30:21,840 So, really beginning to proliferate in Britain in the 17th century, 635 00:30:21,840 --> 00:30:23,760 because cider suddenly becomes popular. 636 00:30:23,760 --> 00:30:26,440 - Oh, cider. - And that is due to the death of the English vines. 637 00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:28,840 We forget how much wine was originally grown in England. 638 00:30:28,840 --> 00:30:31,520 There was a little ice age of prolonged cold weather, 639 00:30:31,520 --> 00:30:34,320 and there was a man in 1640 called Lord Scudamore, 640 00:30:34,320 --> 00:30:36,120 and he worked out how to make cider fizzy 641 00:30:36,120 --> 00:30:39,040 long before people in Champagne worked out how to do Champagne. 642 00:30:39,040 --> 00:30:42,960 And the new drink was so popular that John Evelyn, a popular writer, 643 00:30:42,960 --> 00:30:46,800 said, "All Herefordshire has become but one entire orchard." 644 00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:49,120 But there was some danger cos the bottles used to explode, 645 00:30:49,120 --> 00:30:52,040 and so people would bury them in sand or hang them down wells 646 00:30:52,040 --> 00:30:54,160 to keep them cool and prevent it happening. 647 00:30:54,160 --> 00:30:56,320 And there were vaults cut into the side of well shafts 648 00:30:56,320 --> 00:30:58,040 specifically for storing strong cider. 649 00:30:58,040 --> 00:31:00,480 It was unbelievably popular. And mulled cider. 650 00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:02,440 - Has anybody ever had hot cider? Have you ever? - Hm. 651 00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:04,280 - Oh, I love a mulled cider. - Mulled cider, yes. 652 00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:06,000 - Beautiful, isn't it? - It's really nice. 653 00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:08,440 - Have you seen...? STEPHEN: - Yes, Devon thing again. 654 00:31:08,440 --> 00:31:10,960 - Yeah. - "Oh, cook it, better cook it! Hmm." 655 00:31:12,840 --> 00:31:15,680 There was a thing called a "cider shoe," which was invented. 656 00:31:15,680 --> 00:31:17,120 It was a shoe-shaped tumbler, 657 00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:19,760 and you could poke the toe into the fire to warm the drink up. 658 00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:22,120 - That's a good idea, isn't it? - It's rather fine, isn't it? 659 00:31:22,120 --> 00:31:25,600 - They'll be inventing cupboards next for clothes, won't they? - I know. 660 00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:28,200 Now, who stumbles into someone else's house 661 00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:30,160 and vomits on the floor? 662 00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:33,640 - Oh, now. - That could be... I share a house with a 17-year-old, 663 00:31:33,640 --> 00:31:36,200 a 19-year-old, my cat's got IBS, so it could be anybody. 664 00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:38,120 CLAXON 665 00:31:43,560 --> 00:31:46,240 - Yeah. - Is it an urban fox? - No, although that's... 666 00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:48,560 That's what my kids said, they had all their mates round 667 00:31:48,560 --> 00:31:50,400 from sixth form and there was a lot of debris, 668 00:31:50,400 --> 00:31:53,520 - and they said it was urban foxes. Was that...? - Oh, wow! 669 00:31:53,520 --> 00:31:56,120 - What do you mean by debris? - Well... - Teenage detritus. 670 00:31:56,120 --> 00:31:59,960 - Empty vodka bottles. - Yeah. - Oh, that, yeah. Bloody foxes, yeah. 671 00:32:02,040 --> 00:32:05,120 - Well, we are in an animal area. - Has it got four legs? Is it furry? 672 00:32:05,120 --> 00:32:07,160 Does it have a tail? 673 00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:09,760 - It's a bird. - We play this game a lot in the car. - It's a bird. 674 00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:11,720 An ostrich, an emu. 675 00:32:11,720 --> 00:32:13,480 - A blackbird. - "Ooh-ooh." - A cuckoo. 676 00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:16,280 - Owl. - No, that's a really shit impersonation I've done. 677 00:32:17,960 --> 00:32:20,880 - It's an owl. - That owl looks absolutely livid about something. 678 00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:24,120 Yeah, owls almost never build their own nests. 679 00:32:24,120 --> 00:32:28,320 And in the case of great horned owls, they steal from other birds. 680 00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:31,280 And one of the only contributions the owl makes 681 00:32:31,280 --> 00:32:33,960 to the nest's construction is to vomit on the floor. 682 00:32:33,960 --> 00:32:37,040 It regurgitates pellets of undigested food 683 00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:39,440 and when those are trampled down, that makes 684 00:32:39,440 --> 00:32:42,440 a rather nice, soft surface on which you can incubate your eggs. 685 00:32:42,440 --> 00:32:44,640 Apart from that, they do nothing of domestic upkeep. 686 00:32:44,640 --> 00:32:47,360 They live in the nest until it disintegrates and then they leave. 687 00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:50,360 There's an interesting relationship between snakes and owls, 688 00:32:50,360 --> 00:32:53,240 actually, because the screech owl uses real snakes for protection. 689 00:32:53,240 --> 00:32:56,280 So, if they can, they catch what's called a blind snake, 690 00:32:56,280 --> 00:32:57,440 so that's one of these here. 691 00:32:57,440 --> 00:32:59,720 They're about six inches long, something like that. 692 00:32:59,720 --> 00:33:02,360 And it brings it back to the nest, and they don't eat the snake, 693 00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:05,160 the snake burrows down into the nest floor 694 00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:07,640 and it feeds on all the vermin and parasites. 695 00:33:07,640 --> 00:33:09,840 And we have no idea whether they do this intentionally, 696 00:33:09,840 --> 00:33:12,360 or the snake just escapes before the chicks can eat it, 697 00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:15,640 but, either way, the snake helps the baby owls to grow bigger and faster. 698 00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:18,280 - So, it's a really nice relationship. - What else does that snake do? 699 00:33:18,280 --> 00:33:20,720 It doesn't look good for much, to be honest, does it? 700 00:33:20,720 --> 00:33:23,320 - STEPHEN: - It looks like it sings, doesn't it? - Yes. Yes. 701 00:33:23,320 --> 00:33:27,560 Singing to the owl. "Hello. Hello." 702 00:33:29,000 --> 00:33:33,760 Now, what's a little bit orange and very over-sensitive? 703 00:33:35,120 --> 00:33:36,960 Donald Trump. 704 00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:39,920 HOOTER, APPLAUSE 705 00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:50,760 - Someone had to say it, didn't they?! - Cally, I might be looking at you. 706 00:33:50,760 --> 00:33:54,520 - Something to do with being ginger. - It is to do with being red-headed. 707 00:33:54,520 --> 00:33:56,920 So are there any particular characteristics that are 708 00:33:56,920 --> 00:33:59,440 - more associated with redheads than...? - Fiery. - Fiery. 709 00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:01,960 - They're fiery, aren't they? - We're very attractive. 710 00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:04,520 - Very, very attractive. STEPHEN: - Generally translucent. 711 00:34:06,440 --> 00:34:08,920 No, you can see, yeah, quite pale, aren't they? 712 00:34:08,920 --> 00:34:10,720 - Pale? OK. - Yeah. - Quite pale. - Yeah. 713 00:34:10,720 --> 00:34:12,880 The fact is multiple studies have shown 714 00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:16,760 that redheads are more sensitive to pain than the rest of us. 715 00:34:16,760 --> 00:34:19,560 - So, unfortunately, you are more susceptible to pain. - Do you know, 716 00:34:19,560 --> 00:34:22,320 I think there are studies that say the opposite. I'm just saying, 717 00:34:22,320 --> 00:34:25,160 I've also seen studies that say we've got a higher pain threshold. 718 00:34:25,160 --> 00:34:26,880 Well, they worked out that, typically, 719 00:34:26,880 --> 00:34:29,200 20% more anaesthetic is needed by a redhead. 720 00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:32,120 And the way they work this out, researchers administered 721 00:34:32,120 --> 00:34:34,560 electric shocks to redheads, while giving them 722 00:34:34,560 --> 00:34:38,360 increasing amounts of painkiller until they stopped feeling pain. 723 00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:41,600 And the reason is that having red hair is usually 724 00:34:41,600 --> 00:34:44,600 caused by a mutation on a gene called MC1R. 725 00:34:44,600 --> 00:34:47,480 And that is also involved in pain modulation. 726 00:34:47,480 --> 00:34:50,160 And it explains why redheads are twice as likely to avoid 727 00:34:50,160 --> 00:34:53,280 going to the dentist as the rest of us. Because you feel more pain. 728 00:34:53,280 --> 00:34:57,000 I don't believe any of this. I don't want to cry in the face of QI, 729 00:34:57,000 --> 00:34:58,640 but, no, I don't believe it. 730 00:34:58,640 --> 00:35:01,840 Fair enough. Where do you think the most common red-hair gene 731 00:35:01,840 --> 00:35:04,680 first appeared in the world? Where does it come from? 732 00:35:04,680 --> 00:35:06,200 - Scotland. - Ireland. 733 00:35:06,200 --> 00:35:08,560 HOOTER 734 00:35:08,560 --> 00:35:10,680 I think... 735 00:35:11,680 --> 00:35:13,440 It's got to be Scotland. 736 00:35:13,440 --> 00:35:16,440 - Scandinavia. - No, it isn't - it's Asia, in fact. It's Central Asia. 737 00:35:16,440 --> 00:35:18,720 - So, 20,000... - What?! - ..or maybe 100,000, years ago. 738 00:35:18,720 --> 00:35:20,920 It only really took off when it reached the colder, 739 00:35:20,920 --> 00:35:23,960 darker places, like northern Europe, probably because, and you're going 740 00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:26,800 to dispute this as well, redheads produce vitamin D more efficiently. 741 00:35:26,800 --> 00:35:29,280 So, they can make better use of the limited sunlight. 742 00:35:29,280 --> 00:35:32,120 Oh, I'm sure that's correct. 743 00:35:32,120 --> 00:35:35,280 But it's very common in various parts of the UK. Why do you think that might be? 744 00:35:35,280 --> 00:35:37,880 - Surely it's the lack of sun. - Yeah, it's got to be the climate. 745 00:35:37,880 --> 00:35:39,440 In places like Scotland. 746 00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:42,040 I mean, look at our Scottish cousins, but their skin isn't just 747 00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:44,840 sheet-white from the lack of sun, but their hair has turned red, 748 00:35:44,840 --> 00:35:47,480 as it attempts to start its own fire for warmth. 749 00:35:49,920 --> 00:35:52,800 LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE 750 00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:57,920 Is it about people desperately wanting to procreate 751 00:35:57,920 --> 00:36:01,480 with other ginger people, because we're so deeply attractive? 752 00:36:01,480 --> 00:36:04,760 STEPHEN ROARS WITH LAUGHTER It's, the fact is... 753 00:36:05,800 --> 00:36:08,520 - Sorry. - The fact is, it's a recessive gene, 754 00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:12,280 so it excels in relatively closed communities, I'm afraid. 755 00:36:12,280 --> 00:36:14,880 - Oh. - It requires a level of inbreeding. 756 00:36:14,880 --> 00:36:17,960 We're from Dorset and Devon, thank you very much! 757 00:36:17,960 --> 00:36:20,360 Honestly, it requires a level of in-breeding. 758 00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:23,920 - That's the truth. - My friend, she's got red hair 759 00:36:23,920 --> 00:36:27,560 and she went on holiday to the Philippines, and people were 760 00:36:27,560 --> 00:36:31,080 stopping her in the street to have their photo taken with her. 761 00:36:31,080 --> 00:36:34,320 - Because they just love... - They just couldn't believe that she existed. 762 00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:37,240 Like she was a celebrity. 763 00:36:37,240 --> 00:36:40,400 I was in mainland China for the first time ever, doing gigs, 764 00:36:40,400 --> 00:36:43,080 and I could not tell you how many people stopped me 765 00:36:43,080 --> 00:36:45,920 in the street, asking to take a selfie with me, right? 766 00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:49,320 I mean, it was as though they'd never ever seen a tall person before. 767 00:36:52,120 --> 00:36:54,520 So, can you imagine if I was ginger as well? 768 00:36:54,520 --> 00:36:57,080 They'd be carrying me out of the building! 769 00:36:58,080 --> 00:37:01,080 Obviously I don't speak Mandarin or Cantonese, I'm in a packed lift 770 00:37:01,080 --> 00:37:03,800 in China, all these people - I'm not even joking - 771 00:37:03,800 --> 00:37:06,680 the only phrase I could decipher was this... 772 00:37:06,680 --> 00:37:08,440 "..pube-head." 773 00:37:11,840 --> 00:37:14,840 You absolutely need to put that on your posters. 774 00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:16,040 I think that should be... 775 00:37:17,280 --> 00:37:20,280 Now for the oddly shambolic omnishambles that we call 776 00:37:20,280 --> 00:37:21,920 General Ignorance. 777 00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:25,520 Fingers on buzzers, please. What did the Nazis call this? 778 00:37:25,520 --> 00:37:28,320 - Um... - Aaah... 779 00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:31,160 Aah. Who's going to go for it? 780 00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:32,400 Stephen? 781 00:37:32,400 --> 00:37:33,960 The future. 782 00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:36,400 LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE 783 00:37:42,720 --> 00:37:44,920 Not... I'm told they didn't call it a swastika. 784 00:37:44,920 --> 00:37:46,400 They did not call it the swastika. 785 00:37:46,400 --> 00:37:49,520 They called it the Hakenkreuz. It's the German for "hooked cross," 786 00:37:49,520 --> 00:37:52,560 and in Germany, in fact, it's still referred to, except when discussing 787 00:37:52,560 --> 00:37:55,320 it in a neo-Nazi context, in which case it's called the swastika. 788 00:37:55,320 --> 00:37:56,800 But Hitler was mad for it. 789 00:37:56,800 --> 00:37:59,320 And after his party adopted the swastika, he actually 790 00:37:59,320 --> 00:38:01,000 changed his signature to S Hitler, 791 00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:03,320 because the shape of the S mimicked... 792 00:38:03,320 --> 00:38:06,240 There, you can see there, it mimicked the shape of the swastika. 793 00:38:06,240 --> 00:38:08,320 - Sadolf. - Yes, Sadolf. 794 00:38:09,560 --> 00:38:12,080 Sadolf Shitler. 795 00:38:12,080 --> 00:38:14,320 LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE 796 00:38:19,520 --> 00:38:23,960 Anyway, who was the last monarch to be crowned 797 00:38:23,960 --> 00:38:25,360 at the abbey in Westminster? 798 00:38:26,600 --> 00:38:29,120 Has there been one since the Queen? 799 00:38:29,120 --> 00:38:32,000 HOOTER 800 00:38:32,000 --> 00:38:34,160 - That's wrong, then, is it? - So it's not her. - Not her. 801 00:38:34,160 --> 00:38:36,920 - So it's not her. - Oh, was it Queen Latifah? 802 00:38:40,600 --> 00:38:43,920 Here's the thing, it's not actually an abbey. 803 00:38:43,920 --> 00:38:46,080 And that is what makes it a trick question. 804 00:38:46,080 --> 00:38:47,440 So, Henry VIII is the answer, 805 00:38:47,440 --> 00:38:49,960 because since his dissolution of the monasteries, it is 806 00:38:49,960 --> 00:38:53,920 no longer technically an abbey, so if it's not an abbey, it's a...? 807 00:38:53,920 --> 00:38:56,080 - Church. - It's called a Royal Peculiar. 808 00:38:56,080 --> 00:38:58,200 - A Royal Peculiar. - It's called a Royal Peculiar. 809 00:38:58,200 --> 00:39:01,400 So, it's a church subject to the direct jurisdiction of the monarch. 810 00:39:01,400 --> 00:39:04,560 And although Henry VIII officially did make it a cathedral 811 00:39:04,560 --> 00:39:08,040 by charter in 1540, it was Elizabeth who made it into a Royal Peculiar. 812 00:39:08,040 --> 00:39:09,440 And that is what it is today. 813 00:39:09,440 --> 00:39:12,960 It's the Collegiate Church of St Peter at Westminster. 814 00:39:12,960 --> 00:39:16,240 Did you know, it's home to the oldest stuffed parrot in the world? 815 00:39:16,240 --> 00:39:20,440 It was an African Grey that belonged to the Duchess of Richmond. 816 00:39:20,440 --> 00:39:24,040 It died within days of its owner, in 1702. 817 00:39:24,040 --> 00:39:27,200 And it was placed on a perch next to a model of the Duchess. 818 00:39:27,200 --> 00:39:29,840 And they have remained together ever since. But they're in 819 00:39:29,840 --> 00:39:32,680 - the building's attic. - You don't see that in Madame Tussauds, do you? 820 00:39:32,680 --> 00:39:34,280 You do not, and you should, frankly. 821 00:39:34,280 --> 00:39:36,680 There is one person buried in Westminster Abbey standing up. 822 00:39:36,680 --> 00:39:40,160 - Anybody know who that is? - A William? - No, it's in Poet's Corner. 823 00:39:40,160 --> 00:39:42,320 Queen Latifah. 824 00:39:43,840 --> 00:39:45,320 No, it's Ben Johnson. 825 00:39:45,320 --> 00:39:47,240 He was England's very first Poet Laureate, 826 00:39:47,240 --> 00:39:49,080 but, despite that, he died very, very poor. 827 00:39:49,080 --> 00:39:50,680 And you had to be able to buy the space, 828 00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:52,560 so you needed a six foot long space. 829 00:39:52,560 --> 00:39:55,840 He didn't have that much money, so he bought a two foot square 830 00:39:55,840 --> 00:39:57,880 piece of floor space and was buried standing up. 831 00:39:57,880 --> 00:40:00,840 - They just dropped him in it? - They dropped him in it, yeah, absolutely. 832 00:40:00,840 --> 00:40:02,880 Headfirst or feet first? Hopefully feet first. 833 00:40:02,880 --> 00:40:05,480 - I would imagine feet first. - Don't know, he's dead, mate. - Yeah. 834 00:40:05,480 --> 00:40:07,520 But Henry VIII's dissolution of the monasteries, 835 00:40:07,520 --> 00:40:09,400 as well as changing the status of Westminster, 836 00:40:09,400 --> 00:40:12,160 it also meant that we hardly have any physical record of Old English 837 00:40:12,160 --> 00:40:15,280 left whatsoever, because he destroyed most of the texts. 838 00:40:15,280 --> 00:40:18,800 All of the surviving Old English poems, including Beowulf, 839 00:40:18,800 --> 00:40:21,440 could fit in an average cardboard box. 840 00:40:21,440 --> 00:40:24,440 That's all that we have left, because it was all got rid of. 841 00:40:24,440 --> 00:40:29,880 Westminster Abbey is not an abbey, peculiarly enough, it's a Peculiar. 842 00:40:29,880 --> 00:40:32,400 How many species of camel are there? 843 00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:35,280 Two. 844 00:40:35,280 --> 00:40:37,200 HOOTER 845 00:40:40,400 --> 00:40:43,440 - More than that...? - More than that. Yes. 846 00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:45,640 We used to think it was two, so Carl Linnaeus, 847 00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:49,240 he named the dromedaries and the domestic Bactrians, back in 1758. 848 00:40:49,240 --> 00:40:52,200 120 years later, the Russian geographer 849 00:40:52,200 --> 00:40:55,880 Nikolay Przhevalsky, discovered wild Bactrians. 850 00:40:55,880 --> 00:40:58,320 So, the truth is that there are actually three of them. 851 00:40:58,320 --> 00:41:00,200 They used to think wild Bactrians were 852 00:41:00,200 --> 00:41:03,560 a subspecies of the Bactrians, but we now know from recent DNA analysis 853 00:41:03,560 --> 00:41:05,880 they're a totally different species. 854 00:41:05,880 --> 00:41:09,800 - Beautiful, aren't they? - Aren't they stunning? I think they ARE stunning! 855 00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:13,120 Who was it said a camel is a horse designed by committee? 856 00:41:14,920 --> 00:41:16,360 Have you been on a camel ride? 857 00:41:16,360 --> 00:41:17,960 - I have. - It's glorious. 858 00:41:17,960 --> 00:41:20,520 I have been on a camel ride. It doesn't go well. 859 00:41:20,520 --> 00:41:22,200 Oh. 860 00:41:22,200 --> 00:41:25,960 I did a... I did a magic show once, where I was asked 861 00:41:25,960 --> 00:41:28,000 to "magically" appear on a camel. 862 00:41:28,000 --> 00:41:30,920 And you know my feelings of beasts like this. 863 00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:33,520 - Hm. CALLY: - Why did you point at me when you said that? 864 00:41:34,680 --> 00:41:37,120 Don't, she's very sensitive to pain! 865 00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:39,080 And it was one of those one-hump ones. 866 00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:41,160 I'm not sure - what's the big difference 867 00:41:41,160 --> 00:41:43,200 between the two humps and the one hump? 868 00:41:43,200 --> 00:41:45,880 - It's the number of humps. - Is that it? 869 00:41:45,880 --> 00:41:49,320 LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE 870 00:41:51,440 --> 00:41:54,520 - OK, so I was on the one with the one hump. - Right. 871 00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:57,600 - And they put this sort of square seat on the hump. - Yeah. 872 00:41:57,600 --> 00:42:00,160 - I'm like, "How am I going to get on the hump?" - Yeah. 873 00:42:00,160 --> 00:42:02,560 And I had to have a man... and give me one of those, like... 874 00:42:02,560 --> 00:42:04,440 - But you get a ladder. - They don't like it. - No. 875 00:42:04,440 --> 00:42:07,400 - They don't want you on their backs! - And they turn around and look at you 876 00:42:07,400 --> 00:42:08,560 with their faces, like... 877 00:42:11,120 --> 00:42:12,560 It's too much. 878 00:42:12,560 --> 00:42:14,880 There's a couple of them in London Zoo 879 00:42:14,880 --> 00:42:17,560 and they're great big things, and they look at you with contempt. 880 00:42:17,560 --> 00:42:20,880 You know, "What, are you back again?" "I'm a member, all right?! 881 00:42:22,640 --> 00:42:24,040 "I've got a family membership. 882 00:42:24,040 --> 00:42:27,120 "So, why don't you just, for once, just change your whole attitude?" 883 00:42:27,120 --> 00:42:29,360 "I don't like you. I don't like you." 884 00:42:29,360 --> 00:42:31,160 There are three species of camel, 885 00:42:31,160 --> 00:42:33,120 but sadly, the third doesn't have three humps. 886 00:42:33,120 --> 00:42:34,840 Which brings us to the scores. 887 00:42:34,840 --> 00:42:36,400 This week's winner, 888 00:42:36,400 --> 00:42:38,320 with minus 12, it's Josh. 889 00:42:38,320 --> 00:42:40,520 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 890 00:42:43,160 --> 00:42:45,960 In second place, with a magnificent debut, 891 00:42:45,960 --> 00:42:47,440 minus 14, Cally. 892 00:42:47,440 --> 00:42:49,400 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 893 00:42:53,200 --> 00:42:55,160 Third place, minus 18, 894 00:42:55,160 --> 00:42:57,960 Stephen. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 895 00:42:59,400 --> 00:43:04,040 And, with a truly marvellous minus 69, Alan. 896 00:43:04,040 --> 00:43:06,720 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 897 00:43:12,800 --> 00:43:15,920 So, Josh takes home this week's objectionable object prize, 898 00:43:15,920 --> 00:43:18,280 which is this hilarious comedy eyeball. 899 00:43:18,280 --> 00:43:20,720 There you go, there you go, fantastic. 900 00:43:20,720 --> 00:43:22,520 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 901 00:43:22,520 --> 00:43:24,960 So, it's thanks to Cally, Josh, Stephen and Alan, 902 00:43:24,960 --> 00:43:28,040 and I leave you with this advice from La Code Gourmand, 903 00:43:28,040 --> 00:43:30,400 a book of etiquette written in 1828. 904 00:43:30,400 --> 00:43:32,040 "When you are seated next to a lady, 905 00:43:32,040 --> 00:43:34,640 "you should be only polite during the first course. 906 00:43:34,640 --> 00:43:36,040 "You may be gallant in the second, 907 00:43:36,040 --> 00:43:38,200 "but you must not be tender till the dessert. 908 00:43:38,200 --> 00:43:41,000 "When you have the misfortune to sit next to a child, 909 00:43:41,000 --> 00:43:44,040 "your only plan is to make him drunk as soon as possible." 910 00:43:44,040 --> 00:43:45,600 Goodnight. 911 00:43:45,600 --> 00:43:48,920 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING