1 00:00:24,080 --> 00:00:26,360 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:35,960 Hello, and welcome to QI, 3 00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:40,520 which tonight is an omnibus of Oddballs. 4 00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:44,960 Let's meet our obliging odd-fellows. An odd bod, Jason Manford. 5 00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:48,960 - APPLAUSE - Odd? Odd bod? 6 00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:51,480 An odd fish, Jimmy Carr. 7 00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:52,520 APPLAUSE 8 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:56,440 Really? Odd fish? OK, fine. 9 00:00:56,440 --> 00:00:58,800 An odd lot, Victoria Coren Mitchell. 10 00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:00,280 APPLAUSE 11 00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:02,080 What is an odd lot?! 12 00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:06,120 And Odds Bodkins, Alan Davies. 13 00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:07,840 - APPLAUSE - Hello. 14 00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:16,080 Right, let's hear their Odd Ball buzzers. 15 00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:17,480 Jason Manford goes... 16 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:20,680 TABLE TENNIS BALL BOUNCES 17 00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:22,320 Very good. 18 00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:23,400 Jimmy goes... 19 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:24,640 BALL BOUNCES HEAVILY 20 00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:27,040 Oh. 21 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:28,720 Well, my apologies. 22 00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:30,120 A Mexican lunch. 23 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:31,640 Victoria goes... 24 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:33,520 PINBALL MACHINE PINGS 25 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:37,080 Oh, you... And Alan goes... 26 00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:38,600 # Bouncy bouncy 27 00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:40,320 # Bouncy bouncy 28 00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:41,880 # Bouncy bouncy 29 00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:44,160 # Bouncy bouncy. # 30 00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:48,000 Oddly enough, we start with Oddball games. 31 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:51,000 So you've each got a selection of odd balls under your desks. 32 00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:52,360 Odd balls coming up. 33 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:56,880 Kindly invent a new ball game, and I would like you to use your heads. 34 00:01:57,920 --> 00:01:59,600 LAUGHTER 35 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:01,280 - That was funny. - What did you do, just...? 36 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:02,480 I threw it at his head, look. 37 00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:10,720 Not the baseball! 38 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:12,400 OK, can we get the orange one back again? 39 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,080 Can we have it thrown back by somebody? 40 00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:17,320 - Somebody will throw it to us, I'm sure. Come on. - Oh, whoa! 41 00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:18,920 - That was terrifying! - Do you know what? 42 00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:20,720 If you can't throw, don't volunteer. 43 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:23,080 - Unbelievable! Unbelievable. - Underarm, as well. 44 00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:25,800 If it comes over here again, I'll put a bloody knife through it! 45 00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:30,600 - Curmudgeonly old man. - OK. 46 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:33,160 There is a German game called Headis, 47 00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:35,960 and it is ping-pong played without a bat, 48 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:38,480 where you just hit it with your head. 49 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:41,640 So, it was invented by a sports science student. 50 00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:43,920 - Push. - But don't forget the net. 51 00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:46,920 - The net?! - Yes - so, there's a net in the way, right? 52 00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:49,320 OK, are you ready? Try now. 53 00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:50,600 Yes! 54 00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:51,640 APPLAUSE 55 00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:57,040 Can you get that? 56 00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:02,680 - Result. - APPLAUSE 57 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:04,440 He caught the ball. 58 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:08,480 It was in 2006, his name is Rene Wegner, 59 00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:10,000 and he invented this game Headis. 60 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,640 It is now played internationally. 61 00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:15,080 It is on the official sports programme of 15 German universities, 62 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:18,040 and have a look at this, because the top players are extraordinary, 63 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:20,080 and they use sort of noms-de-guerre - 64 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:24,080 like, well there's things like "the Sausage Seller", "Leek Face", 65 00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:28,480 - and "Bob Der Headmaster", which I'm... - Wow. - ..very pleased with. 66 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:29,960 And they have astonishing rallies. 67 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:31,840 So they're replaced the bat with their heads. 68 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:34,040 I suppose it's better than the ball. 69 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:35,120 Oh! 70 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:36,320 ALL: Ooh! 71 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:37,360 APPLAUSE 72 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:43,880 I can't help thinking of the corners of the table. 73 00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:45,360 I know, yes. 74 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:47,880 Another ball game we've discovered is a Swiss game 75 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:51,360 called Hornussen, and this is one of Switzerland's national sports. 76 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:53,840 You have two teams, but there seems to be no limit 77 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:55,880 to the size of the team, or the size of the pitch, 78 00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:58,680 and there is a ball, which stands on this little thing like this, 79 00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:01,120 and then what looks like a bendy golf club, right? 80 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:04,240 And you hit the ball and it goes out into a field, 81 00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:07,960 and then the opposition have these enormous sort of placards. 82 00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:09,880 So here's the guy who hits the ball. 83 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:13,560 It's a bendy golf club, yeah - 84 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:18,560 and then a guy with a placard... LAUGHTER 85 00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:21,880 ..tries to stop the ball, OK? 86 00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:23,240 And yes, a lot of shouting... 87 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:27,480 ..and then - oh, there they are - and there seems to be no limit. 88 00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:29,880 - That is good. - It's good! - That is brilliant. 89 00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:31,600 It's been around since the 17th century, 90 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:33,440 and it evolved from the ancient tradition 91 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:38,000 of hitting burning logs down the mountainside to expel evil spirits. 92 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:39,560 LAUGHTER 93 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:42,160 But the ball can go up to 306km per hour - 94 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:43,840 I mean, it's a fantastically fast thing. 95 00:04:43,840 --> 00:04:46,040 Ah, well, that explains why that fellow in the video 96 00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:48,520 - didn't have many teeth left. - Yeah, I think that's the thing. 97 00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:51,400 - 300km an hour? - Yeah, yeah. 98 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,360 - That's really fast, isn't it? - It's really fast. 99 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:54,720 This game I like the look of, 100 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:56,600 although I would not be able to play it. 101 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,000 It's called Cycle Ball, it was invented in 1893, 102 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:01,000 it is enormously popular in Germany. 103 00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:02,800 Anybody work out how you play it? 104 00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:05,080 Is it not like polo, but they're on bicycles? 105 00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:07,560 Yes, and you have to use the front wheel of the bicycle - 106 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:11,400 and, again, just extraordinary skill that the players have with this. 107 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:14,000 Obviously, it's tremendously exciting. 108 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,320 - Wow! - Ooh, what a goal. Oh, nice. 109 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:17,720 - Yeah, yeah. Look. - Ooh, he's lobbed him. - He's lobbed him... 110 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:20,720 - Ooh, ooh! - Crikey O'Reilly. - Oh, this is a good show reel. 111 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:23,040 - Yeah, that's, I mean... - I would actually watch that. 112 00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:25,000 - It's quite exciting, don't you think? - Yeah. 113 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:26,800 - I would totally watch that. - Yeah. 114 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:28,160 This is, I think, I seem to... 115 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:29,960 - For - I mean, for a bit. - Yeah. 116 00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:31,000 LAUGHTER 117 00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:34,360 One I like is a game called Pushball. 118 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:36,480 So, there's a guy called Moses Crane, in the 1890s, 119 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:38,920 who watched a lot of American football, and he got confused. 120 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,720 You know in American football they always have sort of like a scrum? 121 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:43,920 They couldn't find the ball, so he invented this game. 122 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:45,800 - "It's so big!" - It is. 123 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:49,040 It's a six foot ball that weighs 50 pounds. 124 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:50,320 Wow. 125 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:55,040 - So those guys are about to die. - Yeah! 126 00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:57,960 No, the idea is you have to either get it across the line, 127 00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:00,080 or you have to get it across a crossbar. 128 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:02,560 People played it on horseback. 129 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:07,000 Is that the... Is that the American remake of The Prisoner? 130 00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:12,880 We did some filming once for Jonathan Creek 131 00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:14,560 and there was a polo ground. 132 00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:19,040 There was an Argentinian polo player milling around in jodhpurs. 133 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:21,800 The make-up and wardrobe department, I swear to God, 134 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:23,880 all began to ovulate simultaneously. 135 00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:26,440 And I thought to myself, 136 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:28,480 he was magnificent. 137 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,600 He was the sexiest thing you've ever seen in your life 138 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:34,920 just wandering about in jodhpurs and boots 139 00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:36,680 looking for his pony. 140 00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:38,680 There's a line in one of the Jilly Cooper books, 141 00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:40,520 "Well, everyone looks sexy in jodhpurs." 142 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:42,160 No. 143 00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:45,200 No. Some people look like badly packaged sausages. 144 00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:51,360 Do you know a football club in Telemark in Norway 145 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:53,360 called the Odds Ballklub, do you know that? 146 00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:54,800 I do not know of them. 147 00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:57,760 It's just known as Odds, so its greatest claim to fame is that 148 00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:01,080 it had a goal, believed to be the longest headed goal ever scored. 149 00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:04,080 There was a man called Jone Samuelsen and he... 150 00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:05,760 From within his own half... 151 00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:07,680 Well, he's cheating, to be fair. 152 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:08,760 Yes. 153 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:10,240 Look at that beauty. 154 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:13,560 From within his own half, he headed the ball 190 feet. 155 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:18,280 So unbelievable, they called the police in to make sure it was real. 156 00:07:21,080 --> 00:07:22,680 Someone would have thought it 157 00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:25,400 and then someone would have had to agree with them. 158 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:28,320 - Yeah. - "Have you seen that header that went in from the other half? 159 00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:30,200 - "We'd better ring the police." - Yeah. 160 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,880 LAUGHTER 161 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:35,880 The thing I really love is when football is played 162 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:38,640 in a district of Bangkok called Khlong Toei. 163 00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:40,960 It's a really densely populated area, 164 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:42,680 there is no space to play football, 165 00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:45,600 so what they have done is reclaimed patches of an odd size. 166 00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:47,960 They carefully designed a pitch 167 00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:50,800 so that it is exactly two different halves. 168 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:52,880 Look at that. That is just to make it fit in 169 00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:54,840 so they can play a fair football game. 170 00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:55,880 That's brilliant. 171 00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:57,520 - They play round the corner? - Yes. 172 00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,000 They can't even see the ball coming. 173 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,680 Wonderful, I love that. 174 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:04,640 You say it's a good use of the space, 175 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:06,880 but they could have built a hospital. 176 00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:08,080 LAUGHTER 177 00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:11,480 It's all relative. 178 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:13,840 I'm going to guess the football pitch was cheaper, 179 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:17,320 what do you think? OK, balls away, please. 180 00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:20,960 - Balls away. - I should never have got them out. 181 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,680 Now, here's an odd question. 182 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:26,320 How can I persuade you to do what I want using only my thumb? 183 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:28,400 - Er... - Ah, well, now, well... 184 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:32,960 - I can think of a couple of possibilities. - Yeah. 185 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:35,480 - Just... - Yes? 186 00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:37,520 - No, I've got nothing that isn't filth. - Nothing. 187 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:39,280 - Nothing, no? - Nothing that isn't filth. 188 00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:42,160 It is known as the "thumb of power" and it's a hand gesture 189 00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:45,080 used very widely by modern politicians when they make speeches. 190 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:47,560 Oh, it's to stop you doing this, isn't it? To stop you going... 191 00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:49,440 - Yeah. - "You!" - Apparently it's more powerful - 192 00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:51,280 don't do that because people don't like it, 193 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:54,040 - but if you do that, you look like you're a powerful person. - Yeah. 194 00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:56,520 - Never do that as a politician. - No. 195 00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:59,880 There's a science of oratorical hand gestures, 196 00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:01,800 and it's called chironomia, 197 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:05,200 and it was set out in precise detail in 95AD, so a really long time ago, 198 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:07,560 Quintilian's Institutio Oratoria. 199 00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:10,480 It says here, "One of the commonest of all the gestures 200 00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:14,120 "consists in placing the middle finger against the thumb 201 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:16,040 "and extending the remaining three. 202 00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:17,920 "It is suitable in the statement of facts, 203 00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:20,280 "but in that case the hand must be moved with firmness 204 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:21,520 "and a little further forward 205 00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:24,320 "while, if we are reproaching or refuting our adversary, 206 00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:27,360 "the same movement may be employed with some vehemence and energy, 207 00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:30,720 "since such passages permit of greater freedom of extension." 208 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:33,040 - You know, I'll tell you who does it... - Yes? 209 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,360 I think, Paulie Walnuts in the Sopranos. 210 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:37,400 - Does he? - And Spider-Man. 211 00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:38,520 LAUGHTER 212 00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:41,960 But the study of oratory and rhetoric 213 00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:43,680 dates back a really long time - 214 00:09:43,680 --> 00:09:46,840 and there's all sorts of rules about classic rhetoric 215 00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:49,720 based around the rule of three, which is the same as in comedy. 216 00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:52,600 So, tricolon, "I came, I saw, I conquered." 217 00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:55,680 Or veni, vidi, Visa - "I came, I saw, I shopped." 218 00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:59,240 Molossus, so that's three stressed syllables. 219 00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:00,880 "Yes, we can." 220 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:03,400 And epizeuxis, so, "Location, location, location," 221 00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:05,560 when you repeat the same word over and over again - 222 00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:07,520 but it hasn't changed, it hasn't changed. 223 00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:09,840 So you get ethos, logos and pathos, 224 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:12,400 those are the three modes of persuasion. 225 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:15,120 So, ethos is how you establish the credibility of the speaker. 226 00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:18,000 So, "Watch QI, I'm on it." 227 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:20,640 Logos, you present the logical argument. 228 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:22,240 "Watch QI, it's really good." 229 00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:24,160 And pathos, appeal to the emotions. 230 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:26,640 "Watch QI or we shoot this kitten." 231 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:27,680 LAUGHTER 232 00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:32,440 I was just using it as a rough example. 233 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:35,240 There have been manuals about how you gesture 234 00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:36,760 since there have been speeches. 235 00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:39,720 - This is a wonderful one. - Oh, I've done this on a stag do. 236 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:42,600 - LAUGHTER - It's brilliant. 237 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:46,840 - Zorb - zorb football, it's called. - You run downhill. 238 00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:50,040 It's a right laugh, 12 of you, "Boing, boing..." 239 00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:53,200 We didn't dress like that. 240 00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:54,240 Hob, dob, do. 241 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:57,560 Hob, dob, do. 242 00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:00,600 Hob, dob, do. 243 00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:01,840 Ao. 244 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:02,880 LAUGHTER 245 00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:06,520 I think he might - I think he might be learning the Macarena. 246 00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:07,960 LAUGHTER 247 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:09,320 I'm totally sure. 248 00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:14,160 A study of TED talks - anybody given a TED talk? 249 00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:16,200 Erm, no, I think we'd remember. 250 00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:18,000 - No? - Have you given a TED talk? 251 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,080 - Of course I have, yes. - What was your TED talk? 252 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,360 I gave a TED talk on how feminism could save the world. 253 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,760 CHEERING 254 00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:31,360 What about the other half of the audience? Nothing! 255 00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:33,480 They know their place. 256 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:40,360 Anyway, no, it's cool. So, the most successful ones tend to be the ones 257 00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:42,280 when people use lots of hand gestures. 258 00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:44,720 And politicians can't help but use them. 259 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:47,280 My favourite example is Richard Nixon 260 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:50,640 on the day that he was made to resign as President, 261 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:52,920 that's what he chose to do as he left. 262 00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:56,240 He clearly hadn't got the message it hadn't gone all that well. 263 00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:58,480 I think I could play a young Nixon. 264 00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:01,080 - Yes, actually, that's slightly terrifying, isn't it? - Yeah. 265 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:04,800 And Angela Merkel always holds her hands like that. 266 00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:07,400 In fact, in Germany, it's known as the Merkel-Raute, 267 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:10,320 the Merkel diamond, that's just how she always holds her hands. 268 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:12,440 Trump, also, lots of signature hand signals. 269 00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:14,640 When Donald Trump took to office, little did he know. 270 00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:17,320 LAUGHTER 271 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:18,560 APPLAUSE 272 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,080 - JASON: - Very good. 273 00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:24,360 - VICTORIA: - I like Angela Merkel's one - 274 00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:26,960 it's like she's going to go, "Open the door, see all the people." 275 00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,520 It does look like that! 276 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:30,960 GERMAN ACCENT: "I have ze steeple and zen - oh, look. 277 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,200 "Ah, zere's no British people." 278 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:35,880 LAUGHTER 279 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:40,560 - There's a whole conspiracy theory around that. - Oh? 280 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:43,640 It's about an Illuminati symbol. 281 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:46,360 I did it once inadvertently on a TV show, like, 282 00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:47,480 for like a split second. 283 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:49,360 Someone did a freeze frame on it and went, 284 00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:51,400 "Oh, Illuminati. That guy's in the Illuminati." 285 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,520 Which I am, but that's not... 286 00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:59,040 If you Google it, there's lots of pictures of Jay-Z doing this... 287 00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:01,560 - Like... - Jay-Z's in the Illuminati?! 288 00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:03,160 - You heard it here first. - Oh, my! 289 00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:06,680 Victoria, when you have your photograph taken, 290 00:13:06,680 --> 00:13:08,800 isn't it awkward to know what to do with your hands? 291 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:10,120 If you're a woman, especially. 292 00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:12,920 - You can't put your hands in your pockets, can you? - No, yes, terrible. 293 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:14,440 I've read things that say, you know, 294 00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:16,320 if you put one foot forward, you look thinner. 295 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:18,680 I like the idea of the one foot forward. 296 00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:21,080 - Just do that. Always just do that. - Why is that? 297 00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:23,200 Because people will always remember you. 298 00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:24,520 LAUGHTER 299 00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:29,720 "Remember that man 300 00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:32,040 "that thought there was a robbery going on all the time?" 301 00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:33,600 "Yeah, I remember him, yeah." 302 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:34,800 - VICTORIA: - Am I alone in this? 303 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:36,800 When you see great-looking women at premieres, 304 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:38,960 and they have a picture and they're looking over... 305 00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:41,840 Whenever I see a picture like that, I don't understand how they do it. 306 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:44,400 - No. - They used to have a pose they did on Page 3 307 00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:46,840 where it got the tits and the bum in the same shot. 308 00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:47,880 Really? 309 00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:52,560 Tits and the bum in the same shot? 310 00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:53,600 AUDIENCE CHEERS 311 00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:57,240 I think I've got it. 312 00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:02,600 - Yeah? - You be the bum, you be the bum, and I'll... 313 00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:05,240 Bend over, be the bum, like that. 314 00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:06,640 There we go. 315 00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:09,040 APPLAUSE 316 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:13,480 Enough oratory. 317 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:15,560 Let's look at some optical odds and sods. 318 00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:17,320 Which of these paintings is awful? 319 00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:22,160 - Is awful. - Awful. - As in terrible. 320 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:23,880 Which painting is awful? 321 00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:26,120 Well, the bottom right, as I'm looking at it. 322 00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:28,080 - You don't like that? - A kid's done that. 323 00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:29,600 Yes, and you think it's awful? 324 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:31,680 Well, not, I mean... Er, yeah. 325 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:33,160 OK. 326 00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:35,360 Some nice six-year-old called Eloise Fell 327 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:37,680 and now you've made her feel terrible. 328 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:38,880 LAUGHTER 329 00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:43,040 - Top row. - You want to go top row, what do you think about it? 330 00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:44,880 It's upside-down. 331 00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:47,200 So this is actually rather a famous painting, 332 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:51,160 it is called Libre Mer and it is by Spain's premier abstract artist, 333 00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:53,400 a man called Antoni Tapies. 334 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,720 So what we're talking about is what's known as 335 00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:57,760 outsider art. It is called all sorts of things. 336 00:14:57,760 --> 00:14:59,480 You know, people call it naive painting, 337 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,600 or they call it primitive painting, or whatever, 338 00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:04,800 and now a lot of this work is worth an absolute fortune. 339 00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:06,880 But have a look at some of the others, 340 00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:09,080 - some of them you must recognise. - Lowry, we know Lowry. 341 00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:12,280 Yeah. He was variously described in his day as a Sunday painter, 342 00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:13,680 a concealed sophisticate, 343 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,720 deceptively simple, all those kind of things. 344 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:18,360 Primitivist. In fact, he had trained and he looked very annoyed 345 00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:20,440 when people called him a Sunday painter. 346 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:23,160 He said, "I'm a Sunday painter who paints every day of the week." 347 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:25,640 He wasn't very well thought of and that is quite often the case 348 00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:27,760 from people in the outsider art category. 349 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,920 It was also known as art brut, raw art. 350 00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:33,960 In fact, the one on the top left there is Jean Debuffet, 351 00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,840 it's actually a sculpture. 352 00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:38,080 And he rejected what he called beauty in art. 353 00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:40,120 He said he liked the savagery of it, 354 00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:43,280 especially art that exists outside the normal tradition of art. 355 00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:46,920 Initially it was people, as it were, outside of society, 356 00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:49,680 it was people who had been put into an asylum, 357 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:52,440 rough sleepers, anybody who'd been socially excluded. 358 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:54,600 One of my favourites is Grandma Moses, 359 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:56,760 she didn't start painting until she was 78. 360 00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:58,360 So bottom left there. 361 00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:00,320 She was a friend of Norman Rockwell's. 362 00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:03,240 What I like is that she was named as Mademoiselle's Magazine 363 00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:05,720 Young Woman of the Year at the age of 88. 364 00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:08,280 - Brilliant! - Isn't that wonderful? - That's great. 365 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:10,320 She hadn't started painting until she was 78. 366 00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:12,760 There's a difference between the naive art and the bad art. 367 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:15,080 There is a Museum Of Bad Art in Boston, Massachusetts 368 00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:16,760 and here are two examples from it. 369 00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:19,280 You see, I have no confidence about this, 370 00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:22,840 I don't... You could have told me these are hugely expensive paintings 371 00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:26,000 that went for millions and everyone thinks they're wonderful 372 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,120 and I'd go, "Wow, OK." I don't know why they're awful. 373 00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:30,520 Why are they worse than the ones we looked at before? 374 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:31,920 Yeah. 375 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:34,640 They say that the definition of bad art is that it lacks 376 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:37,160 both artistic inspiration and technical competence. 377 00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:39,120 If it's meant to be a picture of a horse, 378 00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:40,440 it lacks technical competence. 379 00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:41,680 LAUGHTER 380 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:44,000 If it's a horse that's run into some French window... 381 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:51,160 My kids bring pictures home sometimes, we put them on the wall. 382 00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:54,160 - Yeah. - I mean, a lot of them are rubbish. 383 00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:55,400 Like, terrible. 384 00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:58,200 Eloise Fell, who you picked out, our lovely six-year-old... 385 00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:01,160 Be nice about my painting, or the dog gets it. 386 00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:06,160 Pathos. Pathos. 387 00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:09,120 What's the youngest someone's been taken seriously by the art world? 388 00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:12,200 Well, Picasso, by the time he was 18 could draw anything to look 389 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:14,120 exactly the way it was supposed to. 390 00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:16,680 He said he spent the rest of his life trying to draw like a child, 391 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:18,720 trying to release the child inside himself. 392 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:21,560 But, yeah, I guess because we're not trained in what to look for 393 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:24,200 we would...if you said that was done by a genius, 394 00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:26,680 we'd go, "Oh, right." And that's worth £12 million. 395 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:29,640 "All right, fair enough." Like the Tracey Emin unmade bed thing, 396 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:33,000 we've all got unmade beds but she's made millions of pounds out of it. 397 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:35,680 Like, how... What separates that from the rest of us? 398 00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:37,760 Pure evil. 399 00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:39,920 LAUGHTER 400 00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:45,280 I sometimes think it would be nice if artists 401 00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:47,360 would think inside the box, for a change. 402 00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:49,520 Now, here's another kind of outsider. 403 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:53,200 How did this man's bare bottom help Britain win World War I? 404 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:55,680 He looks really different with his suit off, doesn't he? 405 00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:57,560 LAUGHTER 406 00:17:57,560 --> 00:18:00,160 Like, you wouldn't even know that was him. 407 00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,760 Do you know what that bit's called, the cleft there? 408 00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:05,320 - Do you know what that's called? - The fun bit? 409 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,040 Which cleft are we talking about? 410 00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:08,800 Where you might park your bicycle? 411 00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:11,720 No, I don't know what that's called. I'm excited to learn. 412 00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:13,640 It's called the intergluteal cleft. 413 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,960 You old romantic, you. 414 00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:20,080 It's just a great thing to say to a builder as you go past. 415 00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:22,880 "Oh, hello, intergluteal cleft on display. 416 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:24,960 "And your sacral dimples." 417 00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:26,400 Give us a clue about the man - 418 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:29,040 - did something go into his bottom or come out of it? - Well... 419 00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:33,960 - The man is called William Lawrence Bragg... - Oh! 420 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,880 ..he was a physicist. He was a Nobel laureate. 421 00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:40,080 In fact, he remains the youngest recipient of the Nobel Prize - 422 00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:43,200 he received it in 1915, along with his father, a famous physicist. 423 00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:46,960 In 1915, he was serving as a subaltern in Flanders, 424 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:50,400 trying to find out ways to use sound to locate enemy artillery. 425 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:53,000 So, one day he was sitting on the latrine 426 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:56,000 at the house where he was billeted - it was a tight little closet, 427 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,840 with no window at all, and he'd shut the door, 428 00:18:57,840 --> 00:19:00,000 and so there was no other opening to the outside world 429 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,120 apart from the one that he was sitting on - 430 00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:04,520 and he noticed that when there was gunfire nearby, 431 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:07,280 his backside momentarily lifted off the seat. 432 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,720 Even when he didn't really hear the explosion, 433 00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:11,280 there was a sort of a thing, like this - 434 00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:13,840 and meanwhile, another physicist he was working with, 435 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:17,000 a man called William Tucker, was billeted in a tar paper hut, 436 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:20,200 and he noticed that by his cot there were just a couple of little holes, 437 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:22,600 and even on a day when there was no wind, 438 00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:24,840 little puffs of air were blowing through, 439 00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:26,840 and they compared notes, the two of them, 440 00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:29,160 one from the loo and one from these two little holes, 441 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,360 and they deduced that this was the result 442 00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:34,080 of inaudible low frequency sounds of artillery, 443 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,160 and they set about devising detectors, 444 00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:38,440 and by 1917 it was so advanced 445 00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:40,760 that the allies had a really devastating advantage 446 00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:43,000 in locating and targeting enemy guns... 447 00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:44,480 - Wow. - ..and it all came about 448 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,600 - because his backside lifted off the lavatory. - Ooh! 449 00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:49,040 Is this maybe the most inspiring story I have ever heard... 450 00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:51,760 - About a lavatory. - ..about a men's toilet and holes in a wall. 451 00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:53,520 LAUGHTER 452 00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:57,520 - Normally, these end super differently. - Yeah, yeah. 453 00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:59,920 Normally it's, "Then they had to shut down that garage." 454 00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:01,400 LAUGHTER 455 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:04,320 And did they have to use his specific arse on all of this? 456 00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:05,440 No, I don't... 457 00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:07,680 Did he have to go round the whole - "Oh, it's over there." 458 00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:10,120 That's how he discovered it. You get other ones in history. 459 00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:11,560 Martin Luther, so 16th century, 460 00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:13,800 he also had his eureka moment sitting on the privy. 461 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:16,360 Martin Luther, the man who led to the Reformation, 462 00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:19,480 suffered from terrible constipation and he was sitting there for so long 463 00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:22,520 - that he decided to read the New Testament in Greek. - Yeah. 464 00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:25,120 That's when you start reading the back of the Domestos bottle. 465 00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:26,440 LAUGHTER 466 00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,160 Why is there a phone number...? 467 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:33,080 And his theological breakthrough, the Justification By Faith, 468 00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:36,000 happened while he was sitting on the loo, suffering from constipation. 469 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:39,120 There are still 40,000 outside lavatories in the UK. 470 00:20:39,120 --> 00:20:42,880 I'm surprised they've not all been turned into cereal cafes or summat. 471 00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:45,200 That's the sort of thing people keep doing now, 472 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:46,680 turning toilets into bars. 473 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:48,960 - Yeah, there's one not far from here. - Yeah? 474 00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,920 - It's a toilet. - That turned into a bar? 475 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:52,640 It's called The Toilet, I think. 476 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:55,560 I think it is, actually, that's right! 477 00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:58,120 Where you go to the loo, God knows. 478 00:20:58,120 --> 00:21:00,840 You can go out on the street and do it up the side of a pub, like... 479 00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:04,680 There used to be a thing, 480 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:07,680 when people were peeing up the sides of buildings, boys, let's be honest. 481 00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:10,080 - Let's be honest, yeah. - Boys peeing outside buildings. 482 00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:12,960 - And talented girls. - Yeah, and talented - very talented girls 483 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,360 who were straight from Page 3, 484 00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,640 showing their arse and their tits at the same time. 485 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:19,760 Lots of London buildings had special tilted metal bars, 486 00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:22,280 so that if somebody did pee against it, 487 00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:25,280 the pee would splash back on the person's shoes. 488 00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:28,400 The most southerly public loo in Britain 489 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:30,520 is on the island of the Minquiers. 490 00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:33,160 Here is a picture of it. It says, "This toilet has the distinction 491 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,560 "of being the most southern building in the British Isles. 492 00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:39,240 "Please use with care as the nearest alternative is in Jersey, which is 11 miles away." 493 00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:40,560 LAUGHTER 494 00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:43,920 It looks like those rocks are leaning against the toilet. 495 00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:46,200 It looks like they're queuing up, doesn't it? 496 00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:49,200 It does look like a queue, doesn't it, and they've solidified waiting. 497 00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:51,960 LAUGHTER 498 00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:55,200 "Oh, hello, we're the Minquiers. 499 00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:57,640 "Is there anyone in there?" 500 00:21:57,640 --> 00:21:59,920 That's a great title for a band. 501 00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:02,760 - "Hey, hey, we're The Minquiers." - "Hey, hey, we're The Minquiers." 502 00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:06,360 On a lighter note, who takes their mother-in-law to a lunatic asylum? 503 00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:09,040 - LAUGHTER - Ooh... 504 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:11,080 - Terrible picture. - Look at us there. 505 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:13,480 - I'm just thinking of mother-in-law jokes now. - Go on, then. 506 00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:15,640 Well, the Les Dawson one is the best mother... 507 00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:17,880 KLAXON Ah! 508 00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:21,280 - I haven't even told a joke! - APPLAUSE 509 00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:23,720 Damn you! That is not fair! 510 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:28,400 He had the cl..., 511 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:31,200 I was walking down the street with my wife 512 00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:33,440 and I saw my mother-in-law, 513 00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:36,120 and she was being beaten and robbed by six men. 514 00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:38,400 And my wife said, "Aren't you going to help?" 515 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:41,240 - I said, "No, six should be enough." - LAUGHTER 516 00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:43,960 - AS LES DAWSON: - I knew the mother-in-law was around, 517 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:46,680 - because all the mice were throwing themselves on the trap. - Yeah! 518 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:51,440 - He's amazing, amazing. - Fantastic comic. 519 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:53,480 - Is this the old school... Like, the day out? - Yeah. 520 00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:55,920 - Like you would take... - Yeah. - ..to watch. - Absolutely right. 521 00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:58,800 - It was just down the road from here, wasn't it? Bethlem Hospital. - Yeah. 522 00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:00,640 You could go and they had a viewing gallery, 523 00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:02,640 - where you used to watch the crazy people. - Yeah. 524 00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:05,040 In 19th-century America, if you could afford a honeymoon, 525 00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:07,440 you would go on a grand tour, like you'd go to Niagara Falls, 526 00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:10,240 but you would also take an excursion to an insane asylum, prisons, 527 00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:13,280 battlefields, homes for the deaf and dumb, orphanages - 528 00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:16,840 and it was normal practice to take your new in-laws along with you. 529 00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:18,760 Can you imagine? 530 00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:22,040 It's funny how, like, there's a part of you that hears about that, 531 00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:24,720 and you suddenly think, "Oh, well, I'm glad we've moved on," 532 00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:27,760 and then you think, "Isn't Big Brother still on the telly?" 533 00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:31,120 - Yeah, yeah. - And Britain's Got Talent auditions. 534 00:23:31,120 --> 00:23:33,680 - Yeah, I know! - It's pretty much the same thing. 535 00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:35,680 I only actually watch those at the beginning, 536 00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:38,320 when you've got the nutters. "Where are you from?" "Hull." 537 00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:41,080 "Where are you from?" "Carlisle." "Where are you from?" "Narnia!" 538 00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:42,360 "Right, you're in." 539 00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:44,520 LAUGHTER 540 00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:47,840 So, odd outings, and odd days out, if you were interested - 541 00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:50,240 - sewage treatment works, for example. - Oh, yeah. 542 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:52,680 The Sha Tin sewage works in Hong Kong 543 00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:55,600 offers, "Thematic tours, display panels, 544 00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:57,440 "model exhibitions and game booths," 545 00:23:57,440 --> 00:23:59,320 as well as "stage performances, 546 00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:01,640 "a fun area for kids and photo-taking corners." 547 00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:04,080 Can you see the guy in the bottom right? 548 00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:06,520 LAUGHTER 549 00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:09,520 That really, that's very much like, "Oh, this is a terrible..." 550 00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:11,640 - Yeah! - "I thought it was a funny idea, 551 00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:13,400 "and now I'm here and it's bad." 552 00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:15,320 There's a treatment plant in New Zealand. 553 00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:19,000 "Sturdy, flat-soled and closed-in shoes are required, 554 00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:20,680 "and rain coats are recommended." 555 00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:22,120 AUDIENCE GROANS 556 00:24:22,120 --> 00:24:24,280 That sounds like they need a redesign, 557 00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:26,000 - if you've got to wear a raincoat. - Yeah. 558 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:28,360 - Going on a log flume. - LAUGHTER 559 00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:37,520 Yeah. "Close your mouth!" 560 00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:42,920 The Dubbo Sewage Treatment Plant in New South Wales, 561 00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:47,160 their open day includes "spectacular drone footage plus a free barbecue." 562 00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:49,520 As the man in charge said, "I would be surprised 563 00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:52,360 "if we didn't have at least dozens of people through." 564 00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:54,160 LAUGHTER 565 00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:59,440 Other open days on offer, a halal abattoir in the West Midlands. 566 00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:03,040 A cigarette filter factory being demolished because of asbestos. 567 00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:05,400 - That is the one that you want to go and see. - Wow! 568 00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:07,640 - There's an open day there. - Yes. - You can go... 569 00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:10,200 - You can go. - Well, that's date night sorted. - Mmm. 570 00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:12,800 The council tip in Padworth, Berkshire holds a free 571 00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:14,320 family fun day. 572 00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:15,880 LAUGHTER 573 00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:19,520 A chance for children to sit in a bin lorry. 574 00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:22,800 Now, here's something rather odd, who keeps their cheese in the bank? 575 00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:24,640 The Swiss. 576 00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:26,360 It should be, shouldn't it? 577 00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:29,200 You're not far off, though, it is about cheese and money. 578 00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:32,040 In this case, it is about overdrafts. 579 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:35,600 Since the 1950s, the regional banks in Emiliano have accepted 580 00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:40,320 Parmesan as collateral against overdrafts of cheese producers. 581 00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:43,440 The bank needs to help with cash flow, and so they accept young 582 00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:45,680 wheels of Parmesan as security. 583 00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:48,560 - What's the deal with the Parmesan? I like the taste of Parmesan. - Mmm. 584 00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:50,760 But it smells like sick, what's going on? 585 00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:52,800 Well, it does give off bacteria. 586 00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:54,920 Cheese and the stuff that's growing in your feet 587 00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:57,560 is almost exactly the same kind of bacteria that it's giving off. 588 00:25:57,560 --> 00:25:59,520 I'm really working up an appetite. 589 00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:01,760 So next time the guy comes round, no. 590 00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:03,840 "Parmesan?" "No, you're all right, mate." 591 00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:06,680 "You're all right, but can I have a lick of your sock?" 592 00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:09,880 - The banks have special cheese vaults... - They actually take it? 593 00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:12,440 They take it. Millions of pounds' worth of Parmesan 594 00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:14,640 in a climate-controlled vault. 595 00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:16,920 There are specialist staff who clean the cheese 596 00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:19,720 and hit it with little metal hammers to make sure it hasn't gone soft. 597 00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:21,240 - To this day, they do this? - Yes. 598 00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:24,080 It is thought that without it, the Parmesan industry would have died 599 00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:27,240 because it takes so long for it to mature. 600 00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:29,600 As with any valuable commodity, of course, 601 00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:31,160 it's a wonderful thing for thieves. 602 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:33,640 Parmesan is the most stolen food on the planet. 603 00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:37,120 - Wow! - In fact, more than 3% of all cheese produced in the world 604 00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:39,000 is stolen each year. 605 00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:40,560 LAUGHTER 606 00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:43,320 And the most large-scale theft of cheese is Parmesan in Italy. 607 00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:46,600 2013-15, six million euros' worth stolen, 608 00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:48,600 most notably from Italian bank vaults. 609 00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:51,000 So 2009, they tunnelled into a vault and made off with 610 00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:54,200 570, 40kg wheels of cheese. 611 00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:56,480 Imagine being the kids of those robbers. 612 00:26:56,480 --> 00:26:58,200 Every day... "What's for dinner? 613 00:26:58,200 --> 00:26:59,560 "Oh, you're joking!" 614 00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:01,280 LAUGHTER 615 00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:03,880 It's the most shoplifted item in Italy, Parmesan. 616 00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:06,480 It is 10% of all goods stolen from shops and, in fact, 617 00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:09,040 they've now started microchipping some cheeses 618 00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:11,000 to make them traceable. 619 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:13,320 - You can get it up your sleeve, I suppose. - Yeah. 620 00:27:13,320 --> 00:27:15,040 It's easy, it's a good shape. 621 00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:18,440 The world's most expensive cheese, Pule, 622 00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:20,160 anybody know what it's made from? 623 00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:22,520 It's from the Balkans. It's a creature that... 624 00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:23,760 A war criminal? 625 00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:25,800 It's a wa... LAUGHTER 626 00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:31,880 APPLAUSE 627 00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:36,280 It's made from the Balkan donkey's milk. 628 00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:37,440 - Oh. - Yeah. 629 00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:40,080 That sounds like a euphemism, doesn't it? 630 00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:42,160 - LAUGHTER - Donkey cheese. - Donkey cheese. 631 00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:44,160 - About £1,000 a kilo. - Wow! 632 00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:46,800 The weirdest and the most disgusting is casu marzu. 633 00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:48,960 It's a sheep cheese from Sardinia. 634 00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:50,640 It means rotten cheese 635 00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:53,000 and it is literally filled with maggots. 636 00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:55,000 AUDIENCE GROANS 637 00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:57,440 There's live insect larvae in there 638 00:27:57,440 --> 00:28:01,120 and locals consider it unsafe to eat once the larvae have died. 639 00:28:01,120 --> 00:28:04,600 So it's served while these translucent white worms, 640 00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:06,080 about a third of an inch long, 641 00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:08,040 - are still squiggling. - Wow. 642 00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:11,040 Some people clear the maggots from the cheese before consuming, 643 00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:13,120 others think, "Get right in there!" 644 00:28:13,120 --> 00:28:14,840 - You don't have to eat everything. - No. 645 00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:15,880 LAUGHTER 646 00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:18,560 The people who leave the maggots, they have to cover the cheese 647 00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:20,280 with their hands because when disturbed, 648 00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:22,000 the maggots can jump six inches in the air. 649 00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:23,400 Stop it! 650 00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:25,000 It's like my dad still eats tripe. 651 00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:27,240 I'm like, "Dad, we're not even at war." 652 00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:28,920 LAUGHTER 653 00:28:30,200 --> 00:28:33,320 "People are making food now that's nice." 654 00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:35,400 So another way to secure your overdraft, 655 00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:37,520 hunting, shooting, fishing types in the UK 656 00:28:37,520 --> 00:28:39,960 would deposit their valuable shotguns after the end 657 00:28:39,960 --> 00:28:41,200 of the shooting season. 658 00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:44,080 With their stockbrokers they would buy shares, 659 00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:46,040 and this was a perfectly reasonable way to do it. 660 00:28:46,040 --> 00:28:47,520 When the shooting season reopened 661 00:28:47,520 --> 00:28:49,800 they would sell their shares and buy their guns back. 662 00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:51,760 That was another way of having an overdraft. 663 00:28:51,760 --> 00:28:54,760 So you go in with a gun and you say, "Give me some money?" 664 00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:57,440 - It seems like it. - It feels like an armed robber 665 00:28:57,440 --> 00:28:59,520 that's sort of lost his bottle. 666 00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:01,520 They walk into a bank with a shotgun and they go, 667 00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:02,680 "What are you doing?" 668 00:29:02,680 --> 00:29:04,400 "Er, I want to buy some shares." 669 00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:09,120 Then he just styled it out. 670 00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:11,960 He went, "Yeah, yeah, I thought maybe you could just..." 671 00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:13,800 "Why is it loaded?" "No reason." 672 00:29:14,960 --> 00:29:16,480 Anyway, moving on. 673 00:29:16,480 --> 00:29:20,840 Which is the odd one out of these four? 674 00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:22,840 Odd, odd, odd or odd? 675 00:29:22,840 --> 00:29:24,160 Um... 676 00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:25,960 Er... 677 00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:27,720 KLAXON 678 00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:30,360 It feels like this is... 679 00:29:30,360 --> 00:29:31,520 I can't... Yeah. 680 00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:34,000 I think the last one we pick is going to be the good one, right? 681 00:29:34,000 --> 00:29:35,280 - Do you think? - One. 682 00:29:35,280 --> 00:29:37,000 KLAXON 683 00:29:38,880 --> 00:29:42,120 Does someone get paid when that sound effect goes off? 684 00:29:42,120 --> 00:29:44,080 KLAXON 685 00:29:44,080 --> 00:29:45,680 LAUGHTER 686 00:29:45,680 --> 00:29:47,520 APPLAUSE 687 00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:53,840 They've been waiting 15 years for that gag! 688 00:29:56,800 --> 00:29:58,560 So they are all acronyms. 689 00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:01,160 The number one ODD is One-Day Decorating. 690 00:30:01,160 --> 00:30:03,840 And this is a service you can get, particularly in California. 691 00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:05,400 It's called the One-Day Decorating. 692 00:30:05,400 --> 00:30:07,520 Anybody have any idea what that might be? 693 00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:10,000 Um, decorating in a single day. 694 00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:12,480 No, it's slightly weirder than that. 695 00:30:12,480 --> 00:30:15,360 It's professional furniture rearranging. 696 00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:19,160 - Ah. - So, it's a person who comes in, looks at how you've had it for ages 697 00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:20,640 and goes, "It's not working." 698 00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:22,360 And just moves everything around. 699 00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:23,680 That's it. 700 00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:26,480 It's a rearrangement specialist. 701 00:30:26,480 --> 00:30:28,920 - I like that. - Yeah. OK, here's the next one. 702 00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:31,600 Outdoors And Dirty - they're pastimes for the person 703 00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:32,760 who likes to be active. 704 00:30:32,760 --> 00:30:35,160 That's presumably on, like, dating sites and things. 705 00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:37,880 - It's things like camping and hiking and climbing. - OK. 706 00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:39,640 Paintballing, that sort of thing. 707 00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:42,560 The other that we had was the Official Designated Driver. 708 00:30:42,560 --> 00:30:45,640 This is an idea that began in Scandinavia as early as the 1920s 709 00:30:45,640 --> 00:30:47,520 but in the 1980s, the US had a campaign 710 00:30:47,520 --> 00:30:50,160 led by the Harvard School of Public Health 711 00:30:50,160 --> 00:30:51,920 because at the time drink-driving 712 00:30:51,920 --> 00:30:53,920 was one of the leading causes of death in the US, 713 00:30:53,920 --> 00:30:54,960 aged between 15 and 24. 714 00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:57,880 What they did is, they approached Hollywood script writers, 715 00:30:57,880 --> 00:30:59,880 people writing sitcoms and movies and so on 716 00:30:59,880 --> 00:31:02,560 and they got them to put lines in. 717 00:31:02,560 --> 00:31:04,720 So he'd say to somebody, "Would you like a drink?" 718 00:31:04,720 --> 00:31:08,720 "No, thanks, I'll just have a soft drink because I'm driving these guys home." 719 00:31:08,720 --> 00:31:10,600 That was how they introduced the idea 720 00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:12,320 of the Official Designated Driver. 721 00:31:12,320 --> 00:31:15,240 When it became part of culture, death figures dropped dramatically, 722 00:31:15,240 --> 00:31:17,680 it really did work. So the odd one out, obviously, 723 00:31:17,680 --> 00:31:19,640 - is the other ODD. - Ah. 724 00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:21,800 How could we possibly have got this? 725 00:31:21,800 --> 00:31:23,600 It's the word "odd" four times. 726 00:31:23,600 --> 00:31:26,600 - I know. The point of the game is for you not to win. - Oh. 727 00:31:26,600 --> 00:31:28,360 LAUGHTER 728 00:31:29,840 --> 00:31:32,680 It is an actual thing, Oppositional Defiance Disorder. 729 00:31:32,680 --> 00:31:33,720 It is the odd one out 730 00:31:33,720 --> 00:31:36,280 because it's the only bona fide medical condition. 731 00:31:36,280 --> 00:31:38,120 And, I don't really get this, OK, 732 00:31:38,120 --> 00:31:41,320 because it's when children, or teenagers exhibit 733 00:31:41,320 --> 00:31:42,960 an ongoing pattern of defiance. 734 00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:44,600 - Is it teenagers being...? - Yeah. 735 00:31:44,600 --> 00:31:46,840 You know, argumentative, angry. 736 00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:50,640 - So you can actually go and see a doctor... - My child's a bit ODD. 737 00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:52,120 - You child, ODD. - Yeah. 738 00:31:52,120 --> 00:31:54,200 Just, it's a diagnosis. 739 00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:56,480 It turns out that ODD was the odd one out. 740 00:31:56,480 --> 00:31:58,040 What were the odds? 741 00:31:58,040 --> 00:32:00,560 LAUGHTER 742 00:32:00,560 --> 00:32:03,600 Now, what do vegetarian goatsuckers eat? 743 00:32:03,600 --> 00:32:05,480 LAUGHTER 744 00:32:05,480 --> 00:32:09,120 - Right, wow... - Can you show that on television? 745 00:32:09,120 --> 00:32:11,280 I think that's taking vaping too far. 746 00:32:12,640 --> 00:32:14,320 Is that a goat bagpipe? 747 00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:16,080 It is a goat bagpipe. 748 00:32:16,080 --> 00:32:18,200 He's done something odd to his hair. 749 00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:20,400 Yeah, his hair, that's the problem with that picture. 750 00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:21,560 LAUGHTER 751 00:32:23,360 --> 00:32:26,040 So vegetarian goatsuckers, what do they eat? 752 00:32:26,040 --> 00:32:27,880 He must eat the rest of the goat, surely, 753 00:32:27,880 --> 00:32:29,520 before it becomes his instrument? 754 00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:31,560 It's a vegetarian goatsucker. 755 00:32:31,560 --> 00:32:33,040 - VICTORIA: - So... 756 00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:34,800 - Not goats. - It's no use saying that. 757 00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:36,080 What's a goatsucker? 758 00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:39,120 - It's a kind of bird, it's an order of birds called goatsuckers... - Oh. 759 00:32:39,120 --> 00:32:40,400 ..and they were named 760 00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:43,120 because there was an ancient belief that they lived nocturnally 761 00:32:43,120 --> 00:32:44,880 sucking the milk from the teats of goats, 762 00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:46,800 - which sent them blind. - Ooh, God! - Ooh, hello. 763 00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:49,080 - Feels like a fun-size owl. - Well... 764 00:32:49,080 --> 00:32:51,280 Like, if you're like, "Oh, I want to get an owl, 765 00:32:51,280 --> 00:32:52,840 - "but I haven't got the space." - Yeah. 766 00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:54,280 LAUGHTER 767 00:32:54,280 --> 00:32:55,880 "I'll get one of these." 768 00:32:55,880 --> 00:32:58,720 They're called oilbirds, also known as guacharo, 769 00:32:58,720 --> 00:33:02,000 and they are the only vegetarian species of goatsuckers. 770 00:33:02,000 --> 00:33:03,440 Most goatsuckers eat insects. 771 00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:05,240 These oilbirds eat fruit. 772 00:33:05,240 --> 00:33:07,840 Sorry, you said that like it's like a huge surprise to us. 773 00:33:07,840 --> 00:33:09,600 - What? - We only just heard they existed, 774 00:33:09,600 --> 00:33:12,080 and you went, "These are the only ones that are vegetarians." 775 00:33:12,080 --> 00:33:14,520 Well, I've just found out. I mean, I literally couldn't care less. 776 00:33:14,520 --> 00:33:15,560 LAUGHTER 777 00:33:15,560 --> 00:33:18,000 And I'm speaking on behalf of everyone in the room 778 00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:21,520 when I say, "No, really, these are the only vegetarian ones?! 779 00:33:21,520 --> 00:33:23,320 "Wow, let's get this down." 780 00:33:24,760 --> 00:33:27,320 What are you talking about? You've lost your mind! 781 00:33:30,120 --> 00:33:32,720 They live in caves in the northern part of South America. 782 00:33:32,720 --> 00:33:35,480 Well, no wonder they're vegetarian - what is there to eat in there? 783 00:33:35,480 --> 00:33:38,240 Well, the thing about them is that they get so fat 784 00:33:38,240 --> 00:33:42,280 from the fruit that they eat that they become incredibly plump 785 00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:44,040 and there's an annual oil harvest, 786 00:33:44,040 --> 00:33:46,760 where people take the plump babies in their thousands, 787 00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:49,160 the local people, and they render them for the oil. 788 00:33:49,160 --> 00:33:51,960 Because apparently, it's excellent for fuel, and also for cooking. 789 00:33:51,960 --> 00:33:53,520 Do they still suck the goats? 790 00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:55,880 Nobody sucks goats, it's... 791 00:33:55,880 --> 00:33:57,760 There is no goat-sucking. 792 00:33:57,760 --> 00:34:00,200 - How do you get the oil out of the bird? - This is like a...! 793 00:34:00,200 --> 00:34:02,160 Well, you can render any bird for its fat. 794 00:34:02,160 --> 00:34:03,360 If you've ever cooked a duck, 795 00:34:03,360 --> 00:34:05,440 you can get an enormous amount of duck fat out of it. 796 00:34:05,440 --> 00:34:08,240 - Imagine a world where I've never cooked a duck. - OK. 797 00:34:08,240 --> 00:34:10,360 - LAUGHTER - Imagine - I mean, it's... 798 00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:13,760 I mean, it's like... 799 00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:16,360 We're not really on the same wavelength here at all. 800 00:34:17,840 --> 00:34:19,120 But fat runs off a chicken. 801 00:34:19,120 --> 00:34:20,560 Have you cooked a bird of any kind? 802 00:34:20,560 --> 00:34:23,000 - You'll have a drip tray. - Yes. Yes, you have a drip tray. 803 00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:25,040 - You've got one under your bed. - Yeah. 804 00:34:25,040 --> 00:34:26,720 LAUGHTER 805 00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:29,880 APPLAUSE 806 00:34:33,840 --> 00:34:36,280 Do you remember when Sandi had a breakdown on television 807 00:34:36,280 --> 00:34:38,280 and she was talking about goatsuckers? 808 00:34:38,280 --> 00:34:40,840 And then we just gave up, we asked about three times, 809 00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:42,720 "What has this goat got to do with anything?" 810 00:34:42,720 --> 00:34:44,680 and she just went, "Oh, it's a bird," 811 00:34:44,680 --> 00:34:47,080 and then she kept on talking about goats for ages before, 812 00:34:47,080 --> 00:34:48,160 but then we just let it go. 813 00:34:48,160 --> 00:34:50,040 You could look back on it as the tipping point, 814 00:34:50,040 --> 00:34:51,880 they say that was it, it was one show too many - 815 00:34:51,880 --> 00:34:53,200 and she explained to everyone, 816 00:34:53,200 --> 00:34:54,880 "It's the only vegetarian goatsucker, 817 00:34:54,880 --> 00:34:56,680 "but it doesn't suck goats, doesn't do it," 818 00:34:56,680 --> 00:34:59,440 - and she thought it made sense. - Yeah, and then...and then she was... 819 00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:02,320 ..she was someone's mother-in-law, and then she ended up in an asylum. 820 00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:03,640 LAUGHTER 821 00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:05,680 And we went to visit her. Yeah. 822 00:35:05,680 --> 00:35:08,400 It was an ancient belief that they sucked 823 00:35:08,400 --> 00:35:11,640 the teats of goats for the milk, but they don't. 824 00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:15,320 Sometimes, in the old days, they got things wrong. 825 00:35:16,800 --> 00:35:18,280 I'd quite like to live in a cave. 826 00:35:18,280 --> 00:35:19,800 Would you? Why? 827 00:35:19,800 --> 00:35:22,120 I don't know, I always like being in a cave. 828 00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:27,280 Whenever I'm in a cave, I feel quite relaxed. 829 00:35:27,280 --> 00:35:30,600 This is the weirdest therapy session of all time. 830 00:35:30,600 --> 00:35:34,240 I went into some really big caves once, and it was great in there. 831 00:35:34,240 --> 00:35:36,120 LAUGHTER 832 00:35:38,560 --> 00:35:41,200 I'd say whatever Sandi's got is catching. 833 00:35:41,200 --> 00:35:42,960 LAUGHTER 834 00:35:42,960 --> 00:35:44,200 And do you know what? 835 00:35:44,200 --> 00:35:47,480 If my calculations are correct, I think the wind's blowing that way. 836 00:35:47,480 --> 00:35:50,120 I don't think Jason's got much hope. 837 00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:51,640 But you talk about the things that - 838 00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:54,360 you say they're called goatsuckers and you don't believe me, 839 00:35:54,360 --> 00:35:56,760 - there are... - Oh, we're back to this, are we? 840 00:35:56,760 --> 00:35:59,800 I mean, God bless Alan for taking one for the team, 841 00:35:59,800 --> 00:36:03,320 but you really... Oh, yeah, no, back to the goatsuckers, yeah, 842 00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:06,440 let's pull this round, because this lot can't believe it. 843 00:36:07,440 --> 00:36:09,720 There is a thing that's also known as an oilbird, 844 00:36:09,720 --> 00:36:12,520 but the type of bird it is a goatsucker. 845 00:36:12,520 --> 00:36:14,440 That's just the - what they became called 846 00:36:14,440 --> 00:36:16,240 even though it isn't actually the... 847 00:36:16,240 --> 00:36:18,440 Hundreds, thousands of years ago somebody went, 848 00:36:18,440 --> 00:36:22,240 - "I bet they suck the teats of goats." - Yes, exactly. 849 00:36:22,240 --> 00:36:24,640 - "Let's call them goatsuckers." - Yes, and it stuck. 850 00:36:24,640 --> 00:36:26,560 Everyone else went, "But they don't do that." 851 00:36:26,560 --> 00:36:28,600 - "I've named them now!" - Yes. 852 00:36:28,600 --> 00:36:32,400 "OK? I've written it down in the bird book!" 853 00:36:32,400 --> 00:36:33,760 LAUGHTER 854 00:36:34,880 --> 00:36:37,120 It's like that joke, "You shag one sheep..." 855 00:36:37,120 --> 00:36:38,920 Yeah, exactly. 856 00:36:38,920 --> 00:36:42,160 One of them mistook a goat's nipple for a berry... 857 00:36:42,160 --> 00:36:45,800 ..and the whole species was named. 858 00:36:45,800 --> 00:36:48,240 Right, moving on. 859 00:36:48,240 --> 00:36:51,760 The oilbird is the only vegetarian goatsucker. 860 00:36:51,760 --> 00:36:54,360 It eats nothing but fruit. Right. 861 00:36:54,360 --> 00:36:56,480 Let us move on to the outer limits of knowledge, 862 00:36:56,480 --> 00:36:58,640 the odd world of General Ignorance. 863 00:36:58,640 --> 00:37:00,360 Fingers on buzzers, please. 864 00:37:00,360 --> 00:37:03,040 How many time zones are there in China? 865 00:37:03,040 --> 00:37:04,320 Ooh. 866 00:37:04,320 --> 00:37:06,520 Yes, Jimmy? 867 00:37:06,520 --> 00:37:07,720 One. 868 00:37:07,720 --> 00:37:10,160 - Yes. - Come on! - You're absolutely right, one. 869 00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:11,640 APPLAUSE 870 00:37:13,920 --> 00:37:16,960 - So... - No, no, no, don't even explain, let's just... 871 00:37:16,960 --> 00:37:18,680 Let's just enjoy that moment for a second. 872 00:37:18,680 --> 00:37:20,800 I mean, I've never got anything on this bloody show. 873 00:37:20,800 --> 00:37:23,600 - You're absolutely right. - It's one, actually. - Why do you think that? 874 00:37:23,600 --> 00:37:26,320 Well, do you know what? That's not important. What matters is... 875 00:37:26,320 --> 00:37:27,360 LAUGHTER 876 00:37:27,360 --> 00:37:29,760 - ..there's one time zone in China. - Yeah. 877 00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:31,680 - You can take that to the bank. - Yeah. 878 00:37:31,680 --> 00:37:34,040 I imagine the Communist Party decided what the time was 879 00:37:34,040 --> 00:37:36,080 - and that was it. - Yeah. You're absolutely right. 880 00:37:36,080 --> 00:37:37,520 So, given the size of the nation, 881 00:37:37,520 --> 00:37:40,160 - you would think that it would be many different... - At least four. 882 00:37:40,160 --> 00:37:42,160 At least four - but it's always Beijing time, 883 00:37:42,160 --> 00:37:44,440 no matter where you are. So, if it is noon in Beijing, 884 00:37:44,440 --> 00:37:46,200 then 3,000 miles away, it is also noon. 885 00:37:46,200 --> 00:37:47,840 It was standardised, time, in 1949, 886 00:37:47,840 --> 00:37:49,920 following the revolution and the civil war. 887 00:37:49,920 --> 00:37:52,800 Are there people in the middle of the night forcing lunch down them? 888 00:37:52,800 --> 00:37:55,320 - Yes. - "Ooh, lunchtime again." 889 00:37:55,320 --> 00:37:57,320 HE YAWNS Yes. 890 00:37:57,320 --> 00:37:59,640 In the summer, there are places where the sun sets 891 00:37:59,640 --> 00:38:01,720 in the middle of the night, and then in the winter 892 00:38:01,720 --> 00:38:04,160 the sunrise might not come until ten o'clock in the morning. 893 00:38:04,160 --> 00:38:06,880 Hang on, what's this? Is this an eye cutting out salon? 894 00:38:06,880 --> 00:38:07,920 That's right. 895 00:38:07,920 --> 00:38:09,320 LAUGHTER 896 00:38:10,760 --> 00:38:12,880 He's the village blinder. 897 00:38:15,520 --> 00:38:17,040 I'm looking for a haircut, 898 00:38:17,040 --> 00:38:19,520 have you got anything near an oil pipeline? 899 00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:23,120 First adoption of standard time in Britain? 900 00:38:23,120 --> 00:38:25,480 - Why did we adopt it? - Was that wartime? 901 00:38:25,480 --> 00:38:27,880 No. 1847, so we're talking about the railways. 902 00:38:27,880 --> 00:38:30,600 It's because there's no point in having the railways 903 00:38:30,600 --> 00:38:32,160 - if you're all on different times. - Oh. 904 00:38:32,160 --> 00:38:34,680 You say that, but I don't know if you've used Southern Rail... 905 00:38:34,680 --> 00:38:36,360 LAUGHTER 906 00:38:38,280 --> 00:38:39,760 GMT. You start to get it - 907 00:38:39,760 --> 00:38:42,360 1855, about 98% of the country is using it, 908 00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:45,360 and then it became Britain's legal time in 1880 - 909 00:38:45,360 --> 00:38:47,280 but there were still places, 910 00:38:47,280 --> 00:38:49,880 some British clocks have got two minute hands, 911 00:38:49,880 --> 00:38:52,080 so there is a still working public clock 912 00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:53,800 over the old Corn Exchange in Bristol, 913 00:38:53,800 --> 00:38:56,560 and it has a black minute hand for GMT 914 00:38:56,560 --> 00:38:59,920 and it has a red minute hand for what was known as Bristol Time, 915 00:38:59,920 --> 00:39:01,600 and it's ten minutes behind, 916 00:39:01,600 --> 00:39:03,080 and that clock is still working. 917 00:39:03,080 --> 00:39:04,520 Ten minutes behind! 918 00:39:04,520 --> 00:39:06,800 - I've done some gigs in Bristol, that makes sense. - Yeah. 919 00:39:06,800 --> 00:39:08,040 LAUGHTER 920 00:39:08,040 --> 00:39:10,040 Sometimes they don't get it straight away. 921 00:39:10,040 --> 00:39:11,560 RENEWED LAUGHTER 922 00:39:11,560 --> 00:39:13,920 I think they might be in. 923 00:39:15,560 --> 00:39:19,640 - That reaction. - What should I do if my child has got flat feet? 924 00:39:19,640 --> 00:39:22,120 Oh, store them on a flat surface. 925 00:39:22,120 --> 00:39:24,080 LAUGHTER 926 00:39:24,080 --> 00:39:25,800 Why would I mind? 927 00:39:25,800 --> 00:39:28,120 Ah, well, you're absolutely right, it doesn't matter. 928 00:39:28,120 --> 00:39:30,400 - Nothing, nothing. - It doesn't matter in the slightest. 929 00:39:30,400 --> 00:39:32,560 - I've got very flat feet. - Yes, it doesn't matter. 930 00:39:32,560 --> 00:39:33,920 I mean it doesn't matter to me. 931 00:39:33,920 --> 00:39:35,800 I don't give a damn about your feet. LAUGHTER 932 00:39:35,800 --> 00:39:37,880 You've... You've really changed. 933 00:39:37,880 --> 00:39:39,840 You were super-friendly earlier. 934 00:39:39,840 --> 00:39:41,360 Why has it ever mattered? 935 00:39:41,360 --> 00:39:43,480 You used to be able to get out of military service. 936 00:39:43,480 --> 00:39:46,360 - Yeah. - Pike in Dad's Army - it was his feet, wasn't it? 937 00:39:46,360 --> 00:39:48,400 - Yeah. - That and his stupidity. 938 00:39:48,400 --> 00:39:49,920 LAUGHTER 939 00:39:49,920 --> 00:39:51,800 It's an old wives' tale, and we have no idea 940 00:39:51,800 --> 00:39:54,240 why both the medical and the military establishment 941 00:39:54,240 --> 00:39:56,480 decided to adopt it as something that was important - 942 00:39:56,480 --> 00:39:58,720 and you could indeed be given exclusion from service 943 00:39:58,720 --> 00:40:00,600 in the Armed Forces because you had flat feet. 944 00:40:00,600 --> 00:40:02,280 - Not any more. - Those are nice little feet. 945 00:40:02,280 --> 00:40:04,720 - They're so... I love babies' feet. - Mm. - They're just so... 946 00:40:04,720 --> 00:40:06,960 Like little slices of rare roast beef. 947 00:40:06,960 --> 00:40:08,280 LAUGHTER 948 00:40:08,280 --> 00:40:10,400 OK, that wasn't where I was going, but, yes. 949 00:40:10,400 --> 00:40:11,920 LAUGHTER 950 00:40:11,920 --> 00:40:14,720 - JASON: - I've got a feeling the wind's blowing the other way now. 951 00:40:14,720 --> 00:40:15,960 LAUGHTER 952 00:40:17,320 --> 00:40:19,360 It's really, it used to be seen as a disability. 953 00:40:19,360 --> 00:40:21,680 Some people thought it needed treatment, even surgery, 954 00:40:21,680 --> 00:40:24,080 - but nowadays it's... - That would feel like taking the piss, 955 00:40:24,080 --> 00:40:26,720 if you parked in a disabled bay and went, "Yeah, I've got..." 956 00:40:26,720 --> 00:40:29,040 - Flat feet, mate. - Flat feet. - "I've got very flat feet." 957 00:40:29,040 --> 00:40:32,040 What we think now is that feet just come in different shapes and sizes. 958 00:40:32,040 --> 00:40:33,480 - That'll be it. - Like ears and noses, 959 00:40:33,480 --> 00:40:35,800 they come - you know, there's no right or wrong. 960 00:40:35,800 --> 00:40:38,040 It's possible that the whole concept of arched feet 961 00:40:38,040 --> 00:40:39,160 is just a cosmetic ideal. 962 00:40:39,160 --> 00:40:41,000 People thought it was rather beautiful. 963 00:40:41,000 --> 00:40:42,840 I don't really get the foot fetish thing. 964 00:40:42,840 --> 00:40:45,040 - Do you not? - Like, how did that start? 965 00:40:45,040 --> 00:40:47,040 Well, there was a goatsucker and... 966 00:40:47,040 --> 00:40:48,480 LAUGHTER 967 00:40:48,480 --> 00:40:49,760 APPLAUSE 968 00:40:53,440 --> 00:40:56,240 The best treatment for flat feet is no treatment at all. 969 00:40:56,240 --> 00:40:58,920 When a boa constrictor squeezes its prey, 970 00:40:58,920 --> 00:41:00,480 what is the cause of death? 971 00:41:00,480 --> 00:41:01,920 Oh, that's so horrible. 972 00:41:01,920 --> 00:41:03,040 No, snakes are brilliant. 973 00:41:03,040 --> 00:41:04,400 It'll be something creepy. 974 00:41:04,400 --> 00:41:07,200 - Yeah. - Snakes are real murderers. 975 00:41:07,200 --> 00:41:10,120 Is the answer, you're beaten to death with a candlestick? 976 00:41:10,120 --> 00:41:13,200 Oh! In the library by the boa constrictor. 977 00:41:13,200 --> 00:41:16,160 They are the absolute Agatha Christie of killers. 978 00:41:16,160 --> 00:41:18,240 Do you know, I normally quite like snakes, 979 00:41:18,240 --> 00:41:20,760 - but that one is just rude. - Yeah. 980 00:41:20,760 --> 00:41:23,320 Don't they, don't they sort of trigger a heart attack? 981 00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:25,920 - Yes, that is exactly right. - Is that their thing? - Yeah. - Yeah. 982 00:41:25,920 --> 00:41:27,880 It used to be thought that they squeezed so hard 983 00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:29,360 that the victim couldn't breathe, 984 00:41:29,360 --> 00:41:31,080 and that each time the prey exhaled, 985 00:41:31,080 --> 00:41:32,480 the snake would tighten its grip 986 00:41:32,480 --> 00:41:34,080 until they couldn't breathe any more - 987 00:41:34,080 --> 00:41:35,560 but what they've now discovered is, 988 00:41:35,560 --> 00:41:37,600 it's stopping the blood flow to the vital organs. 989 00:41:37,600 --> 00:41:38,800 They've done these studies 990 00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:40,880 to know how the snake knows when to stop squeezing. 991 00:41:40,880 --> 00:41:44,360 Dickinson College in Pennsylvania, they gave their boa constrictor 992 00:41:44,360 --> 00:41:49,040 dead rats into which little robot hearts had been inserted. 993 00:41:49,040 --> 00:41:51,520 So, although the rat was dead, it still had a heartbeat, 994 00:41:51,520 --> 00:41:53,440 and the snakes didn't relax their grip 995 00:41:53,440 --> 00:41:55,080 until they turned off the heartbeat. 996 00:41:55,080 --> 00:41:58,120 They seemed to have the ability to work out, to monitor the heartbeat. 997 00:41:58,120 --> 00:42:01,160 They're like a, they're like a demon blood pressure cuff. 998 00:42:01,160 --> 00:42:02,280 LAUGHTER 999 00:42:02,280 --> 00:42:03,960 Listen to the things people have done, 1000 00:42:03,960 --> 00:42:05,400 and you haven't even cooked a duck! 1001 00:42:05,400 --> 00:42:07,160 LAUGHTER 1002 00:42:07,160 --> 00:42:09,120 APPLAUSE 1003 00:42:14,600 --> 00:42:18,640 That's told me! That's told me. 1004 00:42:18,640 --> 00:42:20,360 Time to look at some odd numbers. 1005 00:42:20,360 --> 00:42:22,640 It is the final scores - 1006 00:42:22,640 --> 00:42:26,040 and our winner, with minus four, this is very exciting, 1007 00:42:26,040 --> 00:42:27,680 is Victoria. 1008 00:42:27,680 --> 00:42:30,920 - Oh, fair play. - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 1009 00:42:33,960 --> 00:42:36,880 In joint second place, with minus eight, 1010 00:42:36,880 --> 00:42:38,400 it's Jason and Alan. 1011 00:42:38,400 --> 00:42:40,600 - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - Oh! - That's good. 1012 00:42:40,600 --> 00:42:42,800 We came second. 1013 00:42:44,320 --> 00:42:45,960 I've never even cooked a duck! 1014 00:42:45,960 --> 00:42:47,600 Or sucked a goat. 1015 00:42:47,600 --> 00:42:48,640 In... 1016 00:42:48,640 --> 00:42:50,560 - LAUGHTER - Well... 1017 00:42:51,640 --> 00:42:54,000 - Too much information. - I had a fabulous gap year, 1018 00:42:54,000 --> 00:42:55,360 I don't want to discuss it. 1019 00:42:55,360 --> 00:42:58,600 With minus 23, last place goes to Jimmy! 1020 00:42:58,600 --> 00:43:00,760 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1021 00:43:07,200 --> 00:43:08,440 So, Victoria takes home 1022 00:43:08,440 --> 00:43:10,400 our objectionable object of the week. 1023 00:43:10,400 --> 00:43:14,440 It's this lovely piece of outsider art by her six-year-old. 1024 00:43:14,440 --> 00:43:16,200 APPLAUSE 1025 00:43:17,280 --> 00:43:20,920 So, it's thanks to Victoria, Jimmy, Jason and Alan - 1026 00:43:20,920 --> 00:43:23,160 and we leave you with a memory of Winston Churchill, 1027 00:43:23,160 --> 00:43:26,280 who was not only a great orator, but a great student of oratory. 1028 00:43:26,280 --> 00:43:28,120 He used to rehearse his speeches constantly 1029 00:43:28,120 --> 00:43:29,280 to make them sound natural. 1030 00:43:29,280 --> 00:43:31,080 He'd practise in the bath, for instance, 1031 00:43:31,080 --> 00:43:33,920 and it's said that the first time his valet heard him doing this, 1032 00:43:33,920 --> 00:43:35,720 he asked, "Were you speaking to me, sir?" 1033 00:43:35,720 --> 00:43:38,600 "No," said Churchill, "I was addressing the House of Commons." 1034 00:43:38,600 --> 00:43:39,640 Good night. 1035 00:43:39,640 --> 00:43:40,680 APPLAUSE