1 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:35,360 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:38,520 Good evening and welcome to the QI office party. 3 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:42,000 Joining me around the photocopier for a show all about offices 4 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:47,320 and occupations are vice president of stapler affairs, Deirdre O'Kane. 5 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:50,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 6 00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:55,200 Senior partner in charge of biscuits, Richard Osman. 7 00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:57,600 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 8 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:03,640 Regional branch Biro lid replacement manager, David Mitchell. 9 00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:05,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:14,080 And, on the 15th year of his two-week internship, Alan Davies. 11 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:16,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 12 00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:24,680 Let's hear their noises office. Deirdre goes... 13 00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:26,680 CLACKING 14 00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:28,000 PING 15 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,560 What is it? 16 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:32,320 - Typewriter. - It's a, yeah... - Thanks for the help! Thank you. 17 00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:35,080 - Well done! - Wow. - Yes, there must be a historian in. 18 00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:37,400 But genuinely, kids at home are going, "Oh, thank you." 19 00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:39,360 They couldn't know that, they wouldn't have. 20 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:40,680 Richard goes... 21 00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:44,280 BROADBAND DIAL-UP BEEPING 22 00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:47,040 LAUGHTER 23 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:49,240 That's a laugh from a certain section of the audience, 24 00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:50,920 who got that. 25 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:52,440 David goes... 26 00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:54,800 WATER POURING 27 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:57,640 BUBBLING 28 00:01:57,640 --> 00:01:59,480 Diarrhoea, we're all aware of that. 29 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:02,920 And Alan goes... 30 00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:05,360 RINGING 31 00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:10,800 The office is now closed. Please leave a message for... 32 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:13,280 - Alan Davies. - ..after the tone. 33 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:14,840 BEEP 34 00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:16,280 Right. 35 00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:20,040 What's the worst thing you can catch in the office? 36 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:22,600 Well, I mean, the plague? 37 00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:26,600 Can you imagine how many days off people had during the plague? 38 00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:28,160 People who were perfectly all right. 39 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:31,680 "Yeah, oh, God, plague, yeah. Yeah, pretty bad." 40 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:34,040 Were they just talking to their hands? They were just... 41 00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:35,640 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 42 00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:37,240 Files disease. 43 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:38,680 Files disease? 44 00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:43,200 Well, in fact, it's bad manners. 45 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:46,120 Bad manners is the thing you are most likely to catch in an office. 46 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:49,520 They did a study in 2015, and acts of rudeness apparently 47 00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:53,400 spread around an organisation a bit like a cold. 48 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:54,920 And when rudeness starts, 49 00:02:54,920 --> 00:02:57,200 it tends to get worse over the course of a working day. 50 00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:59,200 - It is the thing... - Oh, bugger off! 51 00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:01,240 LAUGHTER 52 00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:04,960 APPLAUSE 53 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:08,760 You can't actually catch bad manners. 54 00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:10,080 Apparently what happens is, 55 00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:12,800 if somebody is rude to you you're more likely to be rude back. 56 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:15,760 Hence the Nazis and things like that. 57 00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:19,040 - That started in an office... - Yeah, yeah. 58 00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:21,280 - ..with someone being a little bit impolite... - Yeah. 59 00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:23,760 - ..over some filing. - And suddenly they're in Poland. 60 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:26,040 The next thing you know... 61 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:27,600 There is lots of bacteria as well. 62 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:30,600 I mean, they did a study of 33 keyboards in an average office and 63 00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:33,840 one of them had five times as many germs as the office toilet seat. 64 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:38,280 But I'm always a bit worried about those numbers of germs things 65 00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:42,200 because they say the average kitchen worktop has more germs on it 66 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:44,000 than the average loo seat. 67 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,280 To which the obvious response is, 68 00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:48,520 well, that's obviously broadly fine, then. 69 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:50,840 Because we're not all dying, we don't go to the kitchen 70 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:54,200 and have one meal and immediately vomit and vomit and vomit. 71 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,040 But toilets are actually quite clean 72 00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:58,520 because they are actually cleaned with bleach, which is... 73 00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:01,240 Do you not think bleach is the perfect product of all time? 74 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:03,680 Because people go to the shops, they buy it, they pour it 75 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,880 down the toilet, they flush it away and they go and buy some more. 76 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:11,320 Whoever invented it thought, "This is going to make us a fortune." 77 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:12,840 So Deirdre, what do you reckon? 78 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:15,480 If you had an all-male office and an all-female office, 79 00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:17,240 which one would have more bacteria? 80 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:18,600 - Oh, the male office. - Why? 81 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:20,320 Because they're mankier than us. 82 00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:23,600 So maybe that is the scientific answer. 83 00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:26,720 They're dirtier and bigger, so they give off more bacteria. 84 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:32,280 But are men dirtier per kilogram? 85 00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:34,480 Oh, that's a good question. 86 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:37,240 Deirdre, how dirty are you? And then we'll work it out. 87 00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:40,400 I know that men don't wash their hands after 88 00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:42,720 - they've been in the toilet. - There you go. 89 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:45,040 In fact, I was once at Wembley Stadium, 90 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:49,720 and I went to wash my hands, and when I got to the sink 91 00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:52,400 there were three penises urinating into the sink. 92 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:54,840 No! On their own? 93 00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:58,520 I don't really know how it works. 94 00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:03,640 They couldn't be bothered to queue for the urinals, 95 00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:06,640 they just used the sink where I was trying to wash my hands. 96 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,000 And they're here tonight. 97 00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:11,760 Did you ever play the old Comedy Store in Leicester Square? 98 00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:14,400 Yes, and the first time I went in the dressing room, 99 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,720 Arthur Smith and Paul Merton were in there. 100 00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:19,560 And they introduced themselves and said, "The toilet's over there." 101 00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:20,800 - And it was the sink. - Yeah. 102 00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:23,920 So there was just a basin in the corner of the room, 103 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:26,080 and they weren't really expecting girls. 104 00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:27,880 I was just going to say, not much good for us. 105 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:30,560 No, well, Josie Lawrence used to lift me up, to be able... 106 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,520 But while we're on the difference between boys and girls, 107 00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:40,560 does anybody know why air con, air conditioning in offices is sexist? 108 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:44,240 Is it because males and females like different room temperatures? 109 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:46,480 It's because when it was first set, 110 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:50,520 they did some tests in the 1960s and they specifically set 111 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:53,840 the temperature for an 11st, 40-year-old man. 112 00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:55,680 And it's been set at that temperature... 113 00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:57,920 There's no such thing as that any more, is there? 114 00:05:57,920 --> 00:05:59,400 An 11st 40-year-old man. 115 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:00,920 So it was set at that. 116 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:04,280 And I don't know his name, if I catch him I'm going to kill him. 117 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,840 But women's metabolisms run so much slower, 118 00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:09,560 so we don't have as much muscle, we don't generate as much heat, 119 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:11,280 so we're much colder in offices than men, 120 00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:13,360 for whom the air conditioning is all organised. 121 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:16,160 There is good news, if you feel cold at work. 122 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:19,200 If you feel cold on a Monday, why might it be better on a Friday? 123 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:23,080 The excitement at the weekend makes everyone get a little bit oooh. 124 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:25,760 - So... - You've been in the office for five days, you get used to it? 125 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:28,200 It's that you've been in the office for five days and it has 126 00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:31,480 got warmer by the generation of all those people coming into the city. 127 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:33,200 They did some studies in Melbourne 128 00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:36,760 and the temperature actually went up 0.3 degrees in the entire city 129 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:39,080 by just people coming in over the course of the week. 130 00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:41,720 Not just because it's Melbourne and it's warmer there. 131 00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:44,640 Well, I never thought of that as an answer, I think that's fair enough. 132 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:47,440 The worst thing you can catch in the office is bad manners, 133 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:51,080 unless you work in a virus laboratory, I imagine. 134 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:53,640 So, I have four occupations for you. 135 00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:56,280 Deirdre, you are a sewage diver. 136 00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:59,000 Richard, you are the Queen's bagpiper. 137 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,000 David, you're an ornamental hermit. 138 00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:06,680 And, Alan, you're bailiff of the Chiltern Hundreds. 139 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:08,280 Which of you has got a real job? 140 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:11,960 The Chiltern Hundreds is a real place. 141 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:13,720 Yes, but is the job a real job? 142 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:16,320 It's an anti-job. It's what you get when you resign as an MP, 143 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:17,960 - you join the Chiltern Hundreds. - Yeah. 144 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:19,520 So it's not really a real job. 145 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:22,840 So 1624, they passed a law saying that nobody 146 00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,160 can leave Parliament, and it stems from the time 147 00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:27,400 when people were elected against their will. 148 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:29,800 So sometimes local gentry were made to join Parliament, 149 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:31,000 they didn't really want to, 150 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:34,640 and the law says technically you have to die or you have to be 151 00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:37,320 voted out or you have to go work for the Queen or something. 152 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:40,040 So if you want to retire, you apply for a fictional Crown Office 153 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:42,560 called the steward and bailiff of the Chiltern Hundreds. 154 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:45,280 And here are some people who have, in their time, been stewards. 155 00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:47,440 Look at Tony Blair pretending to drink wine. 156 00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:51,000 He brought an empty glass to his lips 157 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,880 and now he's filled it with his special liquid. 158 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:56,200 LAUGHTER 159 00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:01,160 Then he passes it to the person next to him. 160 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:03,080 They drink it and then they like him. 161 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:07,120 So, let's go back to the sewage diver. 162 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,800 What do you reckon, Deirdre, real job? 163 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:10,320 Well, it's a shit job, isn't it? 164 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,160 It is, look at that, it is a real thing. 165 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,120 It's more wading they do than diving, isn't it? 166 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:19,320 But that's not a way to resign if you're an MP. You know... 167 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:22,160 - I think that would be quite popular. - That would be a good way. 168 00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:25,920 "I wish to leave politics, so now I will immerse myself in excrement." 169 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:27,160 - Yes. - Hooray! 170 00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:28,840 - DEIRDRE: - But who would do this job? 171 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:29,960 I used to be a sewage diver. 172 00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:31,920 It was just going through the motions. 173 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:33,480 AUDIENCE GROANS 174 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:34,600 Thanks, everybody. 175 00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:36,640 APPLAUSE 176 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,320 Well, there are sewage farms and they have sort of moving parts, 177 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:44,040 and when things get stuck, they're fitted with air pipelines, 178 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:46,400 - they have to dive in and climb down to fix them. - Oh, God. 179 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:49,240 - They're fitted with air pipelines, I would hope so. - Yes, I know. 180 00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:52,440 Just take a deep breath and go for it. 181 00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:57,360 I would have thought the worst job is the person who has to 182 00:08:57,360 --> 00:08:59,520 clean the suit when they get out. 183 00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:00,720 I don't know. 184 00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:07,040 I think I'd go, presented with that terrible career choice, 185 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:09,320 I think I'd go for cleaning the suit. 186 00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:13,440 What about Queen's bagpiper, Richard, is that a real job? 187 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:15,720 Well, she's got everything, hasn't she, the Queen? 188 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:17,200 So yeah, gosh, I'd imagine so. 189 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:19,840 She is really keen on bagpipers, isn't she? 190 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:20,880 Well, she inherited it. 191 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:23,680 Queen Victoria was terribly keen, I mean, mad keen on them. 192 00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:26,200 - Mad for the bagpipes. - Mad for the bagpipes. 193 00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:29,240 There was no telly then, so, you know, fair enough. 194 00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:31,280 I have to say, it was much easier in the days 195 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:34,600 - when all you had to be better than was a bagpiper. - Yeah. 196 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:36,960 Nine o'clock every morning he plays for 15 minutes 197 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,440 underneath her window. 198 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:39,720 Oh, no, he doesn't! 199 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:43,280 Well, he's been told it's her window. Who knows? 200 00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:47,360 They play 15 minutes every day at Buckingham Palace, 201 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:49,240 Windsor Castle, Balmoral or Holyroodhouse. 202 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:52,320 They don't play at Sandringham. Anybody know why? 203 00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:53,920 Because she needs a break. 204 00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:58,400 - That's the Christmas one, isn't it, Sandringham? - Yeah. 205 00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:01,560 Well, apparently it's because there isn't enough accommodation. 206 00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:03,000 So... 207 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:05,840 - I'm so sorry, we just don't have the room for the bagpiper. - No. 208 00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:07,560 One of the things they say... 209 00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:10,320 It's kind of anti the Christmas story, isn't it? 210 00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:12,440 Go in the stable. 211 00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:15,640 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 212 00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:17,240 No room for the bagpipers. 213 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:20,680 Apparently, and you'll be appalled by this, 214 00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:22,320 at Christmas at Sandringham, 215 00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:25,600 some of the royal family have to sleep in the servants' quarters. 216 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:29,520 I don't know where the servants go. 217 00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:33,160 But presumably that involves them seducing a servant every evening. 218 00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:36,600 I mean, that... 219 00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:39,240 And when he's not bagpiping, he's a Page of Presence. 220 00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:40,880 But I have no idea what that is. 221 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:43,680 A Page of PRESENTS is Santa's list, isn't it? 222 00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:44,720 Oh. 223 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:47,880 I'm going to give you an extra point 224 00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:50,240 because that's the cutest answer anybody's ever given. 225 00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:55,160 What about the ornamental hermit, David? What do you reckon? 226 00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:59,280 The sort of very rich man, aristocrat that built follies 227 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:02,160 might think a folly would be even more fun if it was permanently 228 00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:05,160 inhabited by someone employed to sort of be there and be a hermit. 229 00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:08,080 You're absolutely right. It was very fashionable in the 18th century. 230 00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:10,720 They liked people to sort of dress up as Druids, 231 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:11,760 and they lived in caves. 232 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:13,880 If the land owner couldn't afford a hermit, 233 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:16,840 because, you know, they're pricey, they saved money by having 234 00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:19,800 just the hermitage and telling everybody the hermit was out. 235 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:23,720 - Which, famously, hermits never are. - No. 236 00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:27,720 Yeah, I'd have gone with, 237 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:30,200 "Don't bother the hermit, he's a bit of a loner." 238 00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:33,400 That's more plausible, isn't it? 239 00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:35,160 There are still several towns in Europe 240 00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:36,680 that have professional hermits. 241 00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:41,240 So early 2017, the Austrian town of Saalfelden advertised for one. 242 00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:44,040 There's no salary, but you get your own house and chapel, 243 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:45,080 which is very nice. 244 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:47,560 There's no TV, no running water, no internet, 245 00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:49,360 and you need to be sociable. 246 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:52,200 - You need to be sociable? - Yeah, because people turn up. 247 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:53,760 - You wouldn't expect that. - No. 248 00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:56,120 If you'd finally made it as a professional hermit and then 249 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:59,280 they say, "Of course, the main thing is you've got to be sociable." 250 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:03,680 2008 survey, most common job title in the UK? 251 00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:05,720 - Job title? - Yeah. - Party planner? 252 00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:09,560 - No. - Balloon animal magician? 253 00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:10,800 Oh, I want it to be that. 254 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:12,680 Is it just an office worker? 255 00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:15,000 - It's manager. - Oh, right. 256 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:17,120 - That's a lot of managers. - It is. 257 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:19,800 Most of them have been England managers, as well. 258 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,080 - Is that a football joke? - Yeah. - OK. 259 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:26,280 LAUGHTER 260 00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,320 APPLAUSE 261 00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:32,600 Anyway, moving on. 262 00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:37,360 Why shouldn't you give a teenage boy your phone? 263 00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:41,240 Just plain hygiene. 264 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:47,600 Don't want to give a teenage boy anything, do you? 265 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:50,400 - DAVID: - I'm not happy with anyone having my phone. - Oh, why? 266 00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:54,920 My phone broke a few weeks ago and it was like I'd lost a hand. 267 00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:59,000 And in fact I gained one, because I could use two at once again. 268 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,160 APPLAUSE 269 00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:02,720 But it was... 270 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:06,320 I was honestly, I felt genuinely bereft. 271 00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:09,800 I think having something you can stare at, and by staring at it 272 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:11,920 you look like you're gainfully occupied, 273 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:13,760 and so people might leave you alone. 274 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:16,000 It's a way of being a hermit wherever you are. 275 00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:20,720 Actually, we are going back to the 19th century. 276 00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:23,680 It's the very first telephone systems. 277 00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:25,640 Bell telephone, 1878. 278 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:26,840 If a call came in, 279 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:29,720 they actually had to put a plug into the hole that the call was 280 00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:32,800 being received, and then run a wire to where the call wanted to go. 281 00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:35,880 And when they first set up this system they hired messenger boys 282 00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:38,840 because it was assumed that it was a physically demanding job 283 00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:41,480 and the boys would be fantastic at it, they'd be really fit. 284 00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:45,480 Instead, they drank beer and wrestled each other, 285 00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:49,240 swore at the customers and connected strangers together as a prank. 286 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,720 - What if...? - Well, that's like the first social network. 287 00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:55,880 Yes, it is, exactly. 288 00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:58,160 I was going to say, what if this is what the internet is? 289 00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:00,520 We think it's this whizzy thing, but it's actually just 290 00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:03,480 a series of teenage boys in a little bunker, kind of connecting people. 291 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:04,600 I know, dressed like that. 292 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:06,960 It would explain a lot about the internet if it was. 293 00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:11,280 And so the boys were very quickly replaced by women. 294 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:14,320 By the end of the 1880s, almost all phone operators were women, 295 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:16,840 and they could always remember who they were speaking to. 296 00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:19,480 They had to say "number, please" about a thousand times a day. 297 00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:23,600 They were polite and they managed to knit at the same time. 298 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:25,480 This is the original multi-tasking. 299 00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:27,240 And yet the toilet was still a sink. 300 00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:31,480 The phone banks, you can see how long they are in the picture, 301 00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,560 that some of the women used to wear roller skates 302 00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:35,440 in order to make their way up and down. 303 00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:38,000 Fantastic picture. 304 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:41,120 Anyway, another O occupation now. 305 00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:44,360 How would an Onion Johnny bring tears to your eyes? 306 00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:48,800 Is he wearing one there? 307 00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:51,880 No, it's not a thing. 308 00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:53,120 - It's not a thing? - No. 309 00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:54,560 So it's an emotion? 310 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:56,920 Oh, what is the emotion of Onion Johnny? 311 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:01,880 It's a sad emotion, obviously, it brings tears to your eyes. 312 00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:03,800 Because it's making you cry. An ennui, maybe. 313 00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:06,720 You are heading in the right direction. 314 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:08,400 OK, really? Blimey! 315 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,720 In that we've managed to get a cod French accent in. 316 00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:13,280 - Oh, all right. - So it's French. 317 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:15,920 - French, heading towards France. - French, but it's not a thing. 318 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:17,160 It's a person. 319 00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:18,800 Is it a person selling onions? 320 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:22,040 It's a person selling onions, absolutely right, Deirdre, 321 00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:23,320 very well done. 322 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:25,320 APPLAUSE 323 00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:27,880 So, they were French onion sellers who travelled door to door. 324 00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:30,200 The 1920s and '30s, there were up to 1,500 of them 325 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:32,680 who travelled to the UK for several months of the year, 326 00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:34,120 mostly on bicycles. 327 00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:36,360 And they were called Johnnies because they were Jean, 328 00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:38,840 many of them were called Jean, so they were Onion Johnnies. 329 00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:41,920 And it's where we get the origin of the French stereotype, 330 00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:43,680 the beret and the stripy jumper. 331 00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:46,720 But in fact they were Breton, they were from Brittany. 332 00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:49,720 So most French people are baffled by the fact that we think this is 333 00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:53,480 what a Frenchman looks like, because most of the Johnnies didn't speak 334 00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:57,080 French at all, they spoke Bretonese, which is a bit like Welsh. 335 00:15:57,080 --> 00:16:00,440 2008 reported only 15 Onion Johnnies remaining. 336 00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:01,960 Does anybody know the myth that 337 00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,200 if you put half an onion in your sock, within half an hour 338 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:07,640 you'll be able to taste it, as the chemicals run through your body? 339 00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:09,240 But why would you eat your sock? 340 00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:13,120 No, you don't need to eat the sock. 341 00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:17,080 You put the onion inside the sock to keep it in place. 342 00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:19,280 And then the chemicals seep up through your body. 343 00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:21,840 - Nonsense, I don't believe it. - It is nonsense. 344 00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:24,080 One of the Elves tried this and it doesn't work, 345 00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:26,240 and what worries me is that they tried it. 346 00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:32,000 - They are very thorough researchers. - They do very thorough research. 347 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,920 I heard that if you fill your shoes with custard 348 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:36,160 you can taste it after half an hour, and that's a fact. 349 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:38,800 Don't say that, those squelching Elves. 350 00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:40,400 If they're watching. 351 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,840 I've heard if you put beef stroganoff in your socks 352 00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:44,640 you can taste it after six weeks, 353 00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:47,840 so you've really got to stick at that one. 354 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,840 Sometimes they make you cry and sometimes they don't, don't they? 355 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:53,440 - Yes, and there are all sorts of... - And there's a reason for that. 356 00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:55,280 I think it's the way in which you cut them. 357 00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:56,840 Something to do with that, 358 00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:59,520 and also whether your partner's just left you. 359 00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:02,200 LAUGHTER 360 00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:06,760 APPLAUSE 361 00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:11,080 And there's no point in putting a spoon in your mouth then, is there? 362 00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:13,200 - I do that. - Yeah? - Do you put a teaspoon in your mouth? 363 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:14,880 You're meant to put a spoon in your mouth. 364 00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:17,160 When you're chopping onion, you put a spoon in your mouth 365 00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:18,720 and you won't cry, but it doesn't work. 366 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:21,040 A teaspoon or a great big spoon, like a ladle? 367 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,200 No, like a... 368 00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:26,200 - Let's say a dessert spoon. - Dessert spoon. 369 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:27,760 Soup spoon size. 370 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:30,000 And do you have it curvy bit up or down? 371 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:32,240 I'd have the curly bit up in the shape of the palate. 372 00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:35,960 - DAVID: - But don't ask Deirdre, it doesn't work for her. - Yeah. 373 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,880 Have you ever played the spoon game? 374 00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:39,240 What's the spoon game? 375 00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:40,640 The spoon game is... 376 00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:44,000 ..you put a spoon in your mouth, a bit like that... 377 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:46,680 - Yeah. - All right. Put your head down, it won't hurt. 378 00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:48,040 - Put my what? - Your head. 379 00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:49,360 Head down, right. 380 00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:50,640 And you go like that. 381 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:54,640 - Right? - Mm-hmm. 382 00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:56,760 - Then... David, you can get up now. - Thank you. 383 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:02,360 Then David will put the spoon in his mouth and I'll put my head down. 384 00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:04,760 - Yeah. - And then a third person behind me will hit me 385 00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:06,720 with incredible force with another spoon. 386 00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:12,160 - And it really, really hurts. - Yes. - So when you come up, you're enraged. 387 00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:14,360 And then you put the spoon back in your mouth 388 00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:16,600 and you really, really try as hard as you can. 389 00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:19,240 And then they say "Right," and then the third person goes... 390 00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:23,760 And it took me three goes before I thought, "Hang on a minute, 391 00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:26,080 "you're not doing that with a spoon in your mouth!" 392 00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:29,240 What worried me is how compliant David was. 393 00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:30,400 You had no idea. 394 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:34,160 I was just trying to look fun. 395 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:40,760 - I've known you a long time, David, it's a new look. - Yeah. 396 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,720 Now for an out-of-office question. 397 00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:49,920 How do you get everyone to leave the office party? 398 00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:51,600 - A fire alarm? - Fire alarm's good. 399 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:53,920 - Sprinklers. - I'm going to give you a clue. 400 00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:56,040 It's a particular office that we are going to be in, 401 00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:57,440 it's going to be the Oval Office. 402 00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:00,440 Tell them the President's on his way? 403 00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:05,600 So, the President of the United States, 404 00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:08,240 it was a tradition that he held an open house 405 00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:09,840 to celebrate the inauguration. 406 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:11,600 And theoretically anybody could show up 407 00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:13,840 and shake the President's hand and drink a bit of punch. 408 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:16,840 So, 1829, Andrew Jackson, he had a tradition of, 409 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:18,280 you know, having people over. 410 00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:20,360 And it was the worst house party ever. 411 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:24,280 20,000 people showed up, massive crowds poured in. 412 00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:27,280 They stood on the furniture, they ground food into the carpet, 413 00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:28,480 they broke the crystal, 414 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:31,800 and apparently the carpet smelled of cheese for months. 415 00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:33,800 So, how to get the guests out of the house? 416 00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:35,800 So the house has got 20,000 people in it, 417 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:38,160 they're all making the place stink of cheese. 418 00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:39,640 - What do you do? - Fire? - No. 419 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:42,160 - You want to lure them, be nice... - Ice cream van. 420 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:45,560 Ice cream van in 1829, I'm loving the idea. 421 00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:49,200 I'm sorry, ice cream cart. 422 00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:53,320 No, they set up huge barrels of whisky on the lawn. 423 00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:56,360 - Oh! - "Free booze!" - Free booze. - "Free booze!" 424 00:19:56,360 --> 00:19:58,920 At last, we've had so much cheese! 425 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:02,360 But he didn't learn, Jackson, 426 00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:05,400 so 1837, he's done eight years in office, and he leaves office. 427 00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:09,040 And he's been given as a gift this massive half-tonne 428 00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:12,080 wheel of cheese by a farmer as a... 429 00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:13,920 - Half a tonne? - A half a tonne wheel of cheese. 430 00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:16,200 And he thought, "We'll have that as a party." 431 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:20,760 10,000 people turned up and ate this cheese in two hours. 432 00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:23,960 And once again the White House stank of cheese, apparently. 433 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:27,320 Simpler times, when all you need for a great party is just 434 00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:30,080 an unbelievable quantity of cheese. 435 00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:32,200 - You don't even need biscuits. - No. 436 00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:33,320 So, the truth is, 437 00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,640 most people don't look forward to their office parties. 438 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:37,600 They did a survey of 700 office workers - 439 00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:39,360 25% did look forward to it, 440 00:20:39,360 --> 00:20:40,840 40% didn't care, 441 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:43,760 20% actively hated the prospect 442 00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:48,000 and 15% couldn't be arsed to answer the question, I think. 443 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,880 I think you have to be quite socially confident to say 444 00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:53,400 you're looking forward to your office party. 445 00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:55,200 - It sounds a bit keen. - Yeah. 446 00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:58,800 You're supposed to dread it or go, "Oh, it'll be fine." 447 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:01,360 So those 25% are either very socially confident or 448 00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:04,400 - they've completely missed the mood of the times. - Yeah. 449 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:06,160 Quick question about the Oval Office. 450 00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:09,080 Can you spot the fascist in the Oval Office? 451 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:13,680 It's a thing. This is an actual thing. 452 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:15,240 - A thing, a thing. - It's not a person. 453 00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:18,840 It's the thing from which we get the word fascist, or fascism. 454 00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:21,560 It's that bundle there that you could see over the door. 455 00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:23,680 So what it is, it's a bundle of wooden rods, 456 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:24,920 it's often shown with an axe. 457 00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:26,840 And when Mussolini came to power, he adopted it 458 00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:29,280 as the symbol of fascism, so it's where we get the word from. 459 00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:30,760 It's a big thing for the Americans, 460 00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:33,360 there are two fasces on the Seal of the United States Senate, 461 00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,120 and they also had them on their coins 462 00:21:35,120 --> 00:21:36,640 throughout the Second World War. 463 00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:40,640 The Washington monument is the tallest building in Washington DC. 464 00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:43,320 No other building is allowed to be more than 12 storeys 465 00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:45,360 - or something like that. - Yeah. 466 00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:46,480 It was much disputed over, 467 00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:48,800 because they couldn't decide who was going to pay for it. 468 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:51,160 So they built a bit of it and then it stopped, and by the time 469 00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:53,640 they finished building it, they didn't have the same marble, 470 00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:56,520 so you can see a line where the dispute kind of took place. 471 00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:59,320 Once you get above a certain height you can just use breeze blocks. 472 00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:03,120 No, I always spot that, always. 473 00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:07,560 People always build their fences to like an inch lower 474 00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:09,840 than my eyesight, and, honestly, they think they're 475 00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:13,160 safe from everybody, but they're not safe from me. 476 00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:14,760 The trampolines I've seen! 477 00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:17,080 LAUGHTER 478 00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:22,640 That's just a brilliant title for your autobiography. 479 00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:24,280 But you know what? 480 00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:26,600 APPLAUSE 481 00:22:27,840 --> 00:22:30,680 We've got a wall that goes onto a public space, 482 00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:34,840 and the limit that we're allowed to erect to is two metres, 483 00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:37,000 which is a very close approximation of your height. 484 00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:40,960 So the law about your wall height is specifically designed 485 00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:43,480 to allow Richard to see in. 486 00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:45,880 Or it's for us to see Richard should he approach. 487 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:46,920 Yeah. 488 00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:52,440 Right, moving on. 489 00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:54,960 Name the world's biggest troll. 490 00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:56,160 Donald Trump. 491 00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:58,200 SIREN BLARES 492 00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:01,880 APPLAUSE 493 00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:06,360 Any more for any more? 494 00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:07,640 - Katie Hopkins. - Hey! 495 00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:10,080 SIREN BLARES 496 00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:12,120 APPLAUSE 497 00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:15,200 Donald Twitter? 498 00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:17,120 Oh, no, that doesn't make sense! 499 00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:22,080 - Piers Morgan. - Piers Morgan. 500 00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:24,120 SIREN BLARES 501 00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:26,160 APPLAUSE 502 00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:29,720 No, we've gone offshore, so it's not a Twitter thing, 503 00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:31,080 it's an offshore thing. 504 00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:34,600 Do trolls live under oil rigs now? Who's that clip-clopping over...? 505 00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:36,040 "Boom!" 506 00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:39,240 - It's Troll A. - Oh, that. 507 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:42,920 It's a gas platform in the North Sea's Troll gas field. 508 00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:47,960 It's the tallest and heaviest structure ever moved by mankind. 509 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:49,880 It weighs over a million tonnes 510 00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:52,840 - and it is taller than the Empire State Building. So... - Is it? 511 00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:54,800 Normally, this is before it's been taken out... 512 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:55,960 - Shut the front door! - I know! 513 00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:57,760 Taller than the Empire State Building? 514 00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:00,200 This is before it's been taken out to sea, so when it is out 515 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:03,000 at sea you can't actually see the central structures there. 516 00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:05,400 And it takes nine minutes to take the lift 517 00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:07,520 down the leg of the structure. 518 00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:09,360 Whereupon you drown. 519 00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:12,360 The singer Katie Melua received a Guinness World Record for 520 00:24:12,360 --> 00:24:15,000 the Deepest Concert Ever Given 521 00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:19,520 when she played 303 metres below sea level in the leg. 522 00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:24,120 So they have a performance space at the bottom of the troll leg thing? 523 00:24:24,120 --> 00:24:25,320 Yes, but I don't... 524 00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:27,400 I think that shouldn't have got funding. 525 00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:30,960 There's too much money in gas, isn't there? 526 00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:33,720 Well, I think it's strictly speaking called the dining room, 527 00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:34,760 it's not like a club. 528 00:24:35,880 --> 00:24:38,200 And you couldn't have a board outside saying what's on, 529 00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:41,640 because it would get washed off every now and again. 530 00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:43,960 Would you not get the bends? 531 00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:45,600 - It'll be pressurized in there. - Yeah. 532 00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:48,160 It's not only is it a sub-aqua performance space, 533 00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:49,880 - it has to be pressurized! - Yeah. 534 00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:54,040 You can see why the boat remains the more cost-efficient way 535 00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:56,960 - of having something on the surface of the sea. - Yeah. 536 00:24:56,960 --> 00:24:59,400 Rather than it being on a huge concrete leg 537 00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:00,680 with a concert hall in it. 538 00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:06,320 And when all that's done, is there a tiny little gas tap at the top, 539 00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:08,000 like you have for a Bunsen burner? 540 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,840 You've got your million tonne structure, and then you go, 541 00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:11,880 "psssht." 542 00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:15,560 Yeah, they use it to light their cigarettes. 543 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:19,720 When we went for a cigarette at lunch time at school, 544 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:22,840 we went and stood round the back of the Shell garage, I shit you not! 545 00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:27,040 That was where we went for a cigarette! 546 00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:29,040 "Going up the garage?" "Going up the garage." 547 00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:32,400 And we'd go round and smoke on the forecourt. 548 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:34,680 Safety first, I love it. 549 00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:36,240 Now, for a double-O occupation, 550 00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:41,360 can you name the longest-lasting Soviet spy to work in the UK? 551 00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:42,840 - Oh, yes. - Yes? 552 00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:44,040 My friend Steve. 553 00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:46,680 - I shouldn't say that, actually. - Sssh. 554 00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:48,680 But it is him. 555 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:51,800 It was a secretary called Melita Norwood, and she had 556 00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:55,440 a job in a metals firm in London that was heavily involved... 557 00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:56,880 You just have to look at her! 558 00:25:56,880 --> 00:25:59,520 I know, you can tell straight away. 559 00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:03,680 To be fair to her, she spent a while in Slade as well. 560 00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:06,000 LAUGHTER 561 00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:10,680 Doesn't she look a bit like Richard, though? 562 00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:11,760 Sssh. 563 00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:13,480 Like a little Richard. 564 00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:17,520 You know what her main tactic was? Peering over people's walls. 565 00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:18,880 Fantastically tall. 566 00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:23,040 I get that Vladimir Putin onto me all the time, 567 00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:25,280 "Tell me about the trampolines, tell me." 568 00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:27,040 "Who is on ze trampoliiiine?" 569 00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:28,560 I don't know why I did that voice. 570 00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:30,720 "Does Alan Davies have a Wendy house?" 571 00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:35,080 It just shows you, it's worth another layer of bricks, 572 00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:38,320 - isn't it, when you're building a wall around MI6? - Yep. 573 00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:42,520 How tall can someone be? Six foot two maximum! 574 00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:45,640 She worked in a metals firm that was heavily involved in 575 00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:48,560 Britain's atomic project, and every night she used to open her boss's 576 00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:51,160 safe and she used to photograph the contents, and thanks to her 577 00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:54,720 the Soviet Union were able to test their nuclear weapons much sooner. 578 00:26:54,720 --> 00:27:00,680 And she was discovered as a spy in 1999, when she was 87 years old. 579 00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:04,000 And the authorities decided there was no point in prosecuting her, 580 00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:07,160 and she was of course nicknamed The Bolshevik of Bexleyheath. 581 00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:12,560 Which is a hideous error, because obviously Bolshevik is a male word. 582 00:27:12,560 --> 00:27:15,640 - Oh, Bolshikava. - Should have been Bolshevichka. 583 00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:18,680 - Also, she lived in Stafford, and so... - Yeah. 584 00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,800 One of the least effective spies, Britain's Michael Bettaney, 585 00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:23,600 hired by MI5 in 1982. 586 00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:26,280 He once tried to dodge a ticket on a train while drunk, 587 00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:28,360 and when a guard chased him he shouted, 588 00:27:28,360 --> 00:27:30,120 "You can't arrest me, I'm a spy." 589 00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:36,520 It's so easy to over-estimate the efficacy of the double bluff, 590 00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:37,720 - isn't it? - I know, yes. 591 00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:39,920 He later tried to get in touch with the KGB to sell them 592 00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:42,440 some documents, and the KGB thought they were being set-up 593 00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:44,720 and they informed MI5 of his treachery. 594 00:27:44,720 --> 00:27:46,360 So he was just rubbish. 595 00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:50,000 Look, that is the worst bunny rabbit you've ever seen. 596 00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:52,040 LAUGHTER 597 00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:55,480 APPLAUSE 598 00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:00,840 Probably the worst spying operation happened in 1940, 599 00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:03,160 and this is one of my favourites - a dozen German spies 600 00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:07,120 landed in Britain and they were all caught almost immediately. 601 00:28:07,120 --> 00:28:08,440 One walked into a pub 602 00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:11,840 and asked for a pint of cider soon after nine o'clock in the morning, 603 00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:14,280 and they weren't allowed to serve alcohol before lunch. 604 00:28:14,280 --> 00:28:17,080 - GERMAN ACCENT: - Half a litre of cider. - Straight away, please. 605 00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:19,600 Another couple were stopped while cycling through Scotland 606 00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:22,920 on the wrong side of the road, and when they looked in their bags, 607 00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:26,320 they were found to contain German sausages and Nivea hand cream. 608 00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:28,720 - And I... - What a combination that is! - I know! 609 00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:31,440 Oh! 610 00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:36,360 - Whoa! - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 611 00:28:36,360 --> 00:28:40,000 - GERMAN ACCENT: - It's nine o'clock in the morning, Rolf! 612 00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:41,760 I've had a cider, Hans. 613 00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:47,680 I thought it was because no British soldier would have hand cream, 614 00:28:47,680 --> 00:28:49,880 but it turns out Nivea is German, I didn't know that. 615 00:28:49,880 --> 00:28:51,160 - Is it? - It's German. - Oh. 616 00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:54,000 One of them spoke no English at all, but the one who spoke English 617 00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:56,600 the best said his mission was to find out, 618 00:28:56,600 --> 00:28:58,080 "How the people is living, 619 00:28:58,080 --> 00:29:00,960 "how many soldiers there are and all the things." 620 00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:07,080 It really is, "'Allo 'Allo!" was a documentary, basically, wasn't it? 621 00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:09,360 There are some people who think they were deliberately 622 00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:11,560 sent by senior German officers to sabotage the plot 623 00:29:11,560 --> 00:29:13,720 because they didn't want to invade Britain, but... 624 00:29:13,720 --> 00:29:15,120 That's the Germans for you. 625 00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:17,360 At the time. 626 00:29:19,360 --> 00:29:21,840 A lot of them have mended their ways since. 627 00:29:21,840 --> 00:29:23,080 Ooh! 628 00:29:23,080 --> 00:29:25,520 - No, a lot of them have. - It's a wonderful country. 629 00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:27,680 For our friends in Berlin, Richard's address is... 630 00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:31,840 He's just bitter because they have really, really high fences. 631 00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:36,320 But I tell you, that Berlin wall! Oh. 632 00:29:39,520 --> 00:29:41,640 Now, what is this man about to post? 633 00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:44,680 A letter. 634 00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:46,680 SIREN BLARES 635 00:29:47,760 --> 00:29:49,600 - Took a bullet there, everyone. - Yeah. 636 00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:52,240 Is he about to post a Movember selfie on Facebook? 637 00:29:54,840 --> 00:29:58,200 No, it is a most extraordinary thing, he's about to post himself. 638 00:29:58,200 --> 00:30:00,800 - Is he? - Yeah. His name is Willie Reginald Bray. 639 00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:02,600 He was also known as The Human Letter. 640 00:30:02,600 --> 00:30:05,680 He was an eccentric gentleman who spent his entire life pushing 641 00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:08,320 the British Post Office to their absolute limits. 642 00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:11,760 And he started by sending unwrapped stamped objects to himself 643 00:30:11,760 --> 00:30:12,840 to see how that would go. 644 00:30:12,840 --> 00:30:15,680 So he sent a shirt collar and a half-smoked cigar. 645 00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:18,840 That's him actually posting onions on the right there. 646 00:30:18,840 --> 00:30:21,320 He sent a turnip with the address carved into it, 647 00:30:21,320 --> 00:30:24,040 a rabbit skull with the address written along the nose bone, 648 00:30:24,040 --> 00:30:26,120 with the stamps glued onto the back, 649 00:30:26,120 --> 00:30:29,400 and almost all of it got through without any trouble at all. 650 00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:30,800 So he began to experiment. 651 00:30:30,800 --> 00:30:34,480 He wrote to "any resident of London", there it is. 652 00:30:34,480 --> 00:30:35,720 Any resident of London. 653 00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:38,600 Sadly, that was rejected, "insufficiently addressed". 654 00:30:38,600 --> 00:30:42,480 But he did get his mother to crochet the address and that was accepted. 655 00:30:42,480 --> 00:30:44,920 And he also wrote the address in mirror writing 656 00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:47,000 and that was also accepted. 657 00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:49,760 And then he discovered, in the Post Office guidelines, 658 00:30:49,760 --> 00:30:51,920 that you could send a live animal as small as a bee, 659 00:30:51,920 --> 00:30:53,400 if you wanted to, through the post. 660 00:30:53,400 --> 00:30:56,000 So he couldn't get a bee, he settled on his dog. 661 00:30:56,000 --> 00:30:58,640 And then finally he sent himself through the post. 662 00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:01,360 He shipped himself to his father, 663 00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:04,200 and there's his rather irritated father receiving him. 664 00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:11,240 Then he decided to build the world's largest collection of autographs. 665 00:31:11,240 --> 00:31:15,000 He wrote to the Reichstag in Germany so many times. 666 00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:17,840 There's a letter back from Adolf Hitler's office, 667 00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:21,000 "Please can you stop sending letters? The Fuhrer's quite busy." 668 00:31:22,160 --> 00:31:25,840 - What if that finally pushed Hitler over the edge? - Yeah. 669 00:31:25,840 --> 00:31:27,960 As I say, a lot of them these days, very different, 670 00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:29,960 - a very different country. - Yeah. 671 00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:35,120 Just keep digging that hole there, Richard, it's ... 672 00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:36,920 It's not a hole, it's a trench. 673 00:31:36,920 --> 00:31:38,920 AUDIENCE GROANS 674 00:31:40,160 --> 00:31:43,720 I'm just saying keep an eye on them, that's all I'm saying. 675 00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:44,880 Right, moving on. 676 00:31:45,920 --> 00:31:47,880 Now it's time for Alan's occupational hazard, 677 00:31:47,880 --> 00:31:49,840 the round that we all call General Ignorance. 678 00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:51,520 Fingers on buzzers, please. 679 00:31:51,520 --> 00:31:54,240 Who do you go and see to get your eyes tested? 680 00:31:54,240 --> 00:31:55,800 WATER GURGLES David? 681 00:31:55,800 --> 00:31:58,880 - Optician. - Oh! SIREN BLARES 682 00:32:00,680 --> 00:32:03,200 - No. Why not? BUZZER: - Alan Davies. 683 00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:05,800 LAUGHTER 684 00:32:08,400 --> 00:32:10,000 Optometrist. 685 00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:14,040 Yes. So the optician dispenses the glasses 686 00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:17,680 and the optometrist is the person who actually tests your eyes. 687 00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:20,480 You can be trained as both, so you might have an optician 688 00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:22,480 who is also an optometrist, that is possible. 689 00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:24,360 An optician who is also an optometrist, 690 00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:26,000 that's a TV show I'd like to watch. 691 00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:29,360 Crazy maverick optician who does optometry as a sideline. 692 00:32:31,280 --> 00:32:35,000 There is an optician where I live, and it's called Maverick and Wolf. 693 00:32:35,000 --> 00:32:36,360 Wow. 694 00:32:36,360 --> 00:32:39,200 An optician. I don't think that's their real names. 695 00:32:39,200 --> 00:32:41,400 - I think it is their real name. - Oh, do you think? - Yeah. 696 00:32:41,400 --> 00:32:44,160 Because it's an odd thing to invent, isn't it? 697 00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:48,440 Why would you want to buy glasses from people so oddly named? 698 00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:51,400 Branding, David, do you understand the concept of branding? 699 00:32:51,400 --> 00:32:54,000 Mitchell and Webb was a disastrous name. 700 00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:58,480 - Mitchell and Webb is a good name for an optometrists. - Yeah. 701 00:32:58,480 --> 00:32:59,800 That works much better. 702 00:32:59,800 --> 00:33:02,520 Actually, it does sound like an optician's. 703 00:33:02,520 --> 00:33:04,800 - Maybe one of each. - Oh, yes, I like that. 704 00:33:04,800 --> 00:33:06,720 And they can't get on. 705 00:33:06,720 --> 00:33:11,400 Why might poor eyesight make a good impression? 706 00:33:11,400 --> 00:33:14,280 Do you seem aloof and therefore people respect you? 707 00:33:15,960 --> 00:33:19,880 When you can't see them, you don't rear back at their hideousness. 708 00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:25,480 - Or try and jump them because of their beauty. - Yeah. 709 00:33:25,480 --> 00:33:27,440 So either way, your response is muted. 710 00:33:27,440 --> 00:33:28,480 - Muted. - It's not that. 711 00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:30,400 I have very bad eyesight, even with glasses, 712 00:33:30,400 --> 00:33:31,800 so I can see virtually nothing. 713 00:33:31,800 --> 00:33:33,960 But it does mean, you know in all the Hollywood movies 714 00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:35,800 when they used to sort of...? Yeah, I see that. 715 00:33:37,200 --> 00:33:39,000 Can I say, thank you very much. 716 00:33:40,040 --> 00:33:42,720 So, everyone looks like they're shot through a filter. 717 00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:45,160 OK, so it is about that, it's to do with impressions. 718 00:33:45,160 --> 00:33:47,680 - Oh. - Oh, oh, is it because Monet and Manet had bad eyesight 719 00:33:47,680 --> 00:33:49,840 and that's why they painted in the way they did? 720 00:33:49,840 --> 00:33:51,560 Absolutely, many of the impressionists 721 00:33:51,560 --> 00:33:53,040 suffered from very poor eyesight. 722 00:33:53,040 --> 00:33:54,240 That explains a lot. 723 00:33:54,240 --> 00:33:57,120 Yeah, I'm very short-sighted. Without glasses or contact lenses, 724 00:33:57,120 --> 00:33:59,840 - things look a bit like an impressionist painting. - Right. 725 00:33:59,840 --> 00:34:01,440 I was in a hotel in New York recently, 726 00:34:01,440 --> 00:34:03,160 and I was walking down a long corridor. 727 00:34:03,160 --> 00:34:05,680 At the end of the corridor I saw this painting which I thought, 728 00:34:05,680 --> 00:34:06,760 "That is beautiful." 729 00:34:06,760 --> 00:34:09,160 It was abstract, it was red and white and all kinds of stuff. 730 00:34:09,160 --> 00:34:11,320 And I thought, "When I get to the end of the corridor, 731 00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:12,640 "I'm going to see what that is." 732 00:34:12,640 --> 00:34:14,080 And it was a fire hose. 733 00:34:14,080 --> 00:34:16,800 LAUGHTER 734 00:34:16,800 --> 00:34:18,480 It was beautiful. 735 00:34:21,480 --> 00:34:23,280 APPLAUSE 736 00:34:23,280 --> 00:34:25,640 That would be a thoroughly irresponsible painting 737 00:34:25,640 --> 00:34:28,120 - to hang in a hotel corridor. - It would be. 738 00:34:28,120 --> 00:34:30,840 Well, Monet's unusual colours may be down to his cataracts. 739 00:34:30,840 --> 00:34:32,320 And he's not the only one. 740 00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:35,160 Degas probably had maculopathy, so it's a retinal disease, 741 00:34:35,160 --> 00:34:36,680 it affects your central vision. 742 00:34:36,680 --> 00:34:40,320 And that explains the increasing blurriness in his paintings. 743 00:34:40,320 --> 00:34:43,040 And it is thought that Van Gogh suffered from lead poisoning, 744 00:34:43,040 --> 00:34:45,960 and that can make your retinas swell, and you start to see 745 00:34:45,960 --> 00:34:48,680 light in circles, so very like the Starry Night. 746 00:34:48,680 --> 00:34:50,320 And Van Gogh also treated, of course, 747 00:34:50,320 --> 00:34:51,840 with digitalis for his epilepsy, 748 00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:54,920 and that drug can cause you to see in yellow or yellow-green, 749 00:34:54,920 --> 00:34:56,880 and that could explain his increasing use 750 00:34:56,880 --> 00:34:58,080 of yellow in later works. 751 00:34:58,080 --> 00:35:00,400 Anyway, if you let an optician test your eyes 752 00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:02,880 then you need your head examined. 753 00:35:02,880 --> 00:35:07,200 If your surname is Farmer, what did your ancestors do for a living? 754 00:35:09,800 --> 00:35:11,040 Pharmacists. 755 00:35:11,040 --> 00:35:14,040 - Good, very good! Excellent. - Pharmacists is very good. Very good. 756 00:35:14,040 --> 00:35:16,000 Pharmacists, no. What did they do for a living? 757 00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:18,680 I like that they call the drugs industry big pharma, don't they? 758 00:35:18,680 --> 00:35:19,960 Which always makes me laugh, 759 00:35:19,960 --> 00:35:22,120 because I always think of a big farmer. 760 00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:23,560 - It's not that. - No. 761 00:35:23,560 --> 00:35:26,840 In the Middle Ages, a fermier was a tax collector. 762 00:35:26,840 --> 00:35:30,640 So early fermiers collected taxes for the Crown, 763 00:35:30,640 --> 00:35:34,240 and they would pick applicants to work on tenanted lands in time. 764 00:35:34,240 --> 00:35:36,480 They made money out of this, they began to buy land, 765 00:35:36,480 --> 00:35:38,480 they began to grow crops on it, 766 00:35:38,480 --> 00:35:41,600 and eventually they became what we know as farmers. 767 00:35:41,600 --> 00:35:43,920 The very first-ever farmer, in our sense of the word, 768 00:35:43,920 --> 00:35:47,600 was a man called William Le Fermer, recorded in 1238. 769 00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:50,440 So farmers are actually tax collectors. 770 00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:53,040 Well, let's have a look at some other occupational surnames. 771 00:35:53,040 --> 00:35:55,280 Anybody know any of these? Osman. 772 00:35:55,280 --> 00:35:57,080 - Oh, that's a good one. - Yes? 773 00:35:57,080 --> 00:35:58,840 If you go back a couple of generations, 774 00:35:58,840 --> 00:36:01,080 we were all charcoal burners in the New Forest. 775 00:36:01,080 --> 00:36:02,960 OK, but it's anybody who worked with bones, 776 00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:04,520 so it could be a rag and bone man. 777 00:36:04,520 --> 00:36:05,600 Oh, that's fun. 778 00:36:05,600 --> 00:36:07,320 Yeah, so it was an Osman. 779 00:36:07,320 --> 00:36:08,440 Knatchbull? 780 00:36:08,440 --> 00:36:10,560 It's somebody who hits bulls on the head to stun them 781 00:36:10,560 --> 00:36:12,360 - before they get slaughtered. - With a spoon. 782 00:36:12,360 --> 00:36:13,920 And they do it with a huge spoon, yeah. 783 00:36:13,920 --> 00:36:15,480 Yeah, a massive spoon. 784 00:36:19,040 --> 00:36:20,560 What about a Warner? 785 00:36:20,560 --> 00:36:23,360 Is that a sort of health and safety inspector? 786 00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:29,440 Is it someone who makes yellow cards? 787 00:36:29,440 --> 00:36:32,000 - No. - That's a football joke. - A football joke, OK. 788 00:36:33,520 --> 00:36:35,800 Hang on two seconds - ha-ha-ha! 789 00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:37,600 LAUGHTER 790 00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:39,480 APPLAUSE 791 00:36:41,720 --> 00:36:45,120 It's somebody who looks after royal rabbit warrens. 792 00:36:45,120 --> 00:36:47,560 What about a Dickman, what do you reckon? 793 00:36:47,560 --> 00:36:50,480 It's somebody who digs ditches, a Dickman. 794 00:36:50,480 --> 00:36:52,280 And a Kellogg? 795 00:36:52,280 --> 00:36:54,240 CEREAL killer? 796 00:36:54,240 --> 00:36:57,000 Yes, yes. 797 00:36:57,000 --> 00:36:59,600 It is, it's a killer of hogs, it's a butcher. 798 00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:02,880 Is an Arkwright someone who makes an enormous boat? 799 00:37:02,880 --> 00:37:06,160 An Arkwright is a person who makes arks, so chests. 800 00:37:06,160 --> 00:37:08,400 So Noah's Ark, it was just an inverted chest. 801 00:37:08,400 --> 00:37:10,200 Massive chest, yeah. 802 00:37:10,200 --> 00:37:14,720 If your surname is Farmer, your ancestors were tax collectors. 803 00:37:14,720 --> 00:37:17,640 Name the greatest Wimbledon champion of all time. 804 00:37:19,000 --> 00:37:20,240 Andy Murray. 805 00:37:20,240 --> 00:37:21,880 SIREN BLARES 806 00:37:23,240 --> 00:37:24,720 WHISTLE TOOTS 807 00:37:24,720 --> 00:37:26,600 I think I would have said Sampras. Sorry. 808 00:37:26,600 --> 00:37:28,920 Sampras? SIREN BLARES 809 00:37:28,920 --> 00:37:30,560 Great Uncle Bulgaria. 810 00:37:32,760 --> 00:37:34,280 - Is it...? - WATER GURGLES 811 00:37:34,280 --> 00:37:36,040 Is it a croquet player? 812 00:37:36,040 --> 00:37:38,600 Yes! It is a croquet player. 813 00:37:38,600 --> 00:37:40,120 Absolutely right. 814 00:37:40,120 --> 00:37:42,160 APPLAUSE 815 00:37:44,600 --> 00:37:47,480 Professor Bernard Neal is the greatest Wimbledon champion 816 00:37:47,480 --> 00:37:50,560 of all time, he won the croquet championships 38 times. 817 00:37:50,560 --> 00:37:53,160 So if you think about it, Navratilova won Wimbledon singles 818 00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:56,280 nine times, he won 38 times. 819 00:37:56,280 --> 00:37:58,960 He only took the sport up at the age of 40. 820 00:37:58,960 --> 00:38:04,000 Between 1963 and 2002, he won 37 titles out of a possible 40. 821 00:38:04,000 --> 00:38:05,840 Smacks of a drug cheat, that. 822 00:38:07,920 --> 00:38:10,040 What do you have to press on the red button to get 823 00:38:10,040 --> 00:38:11,320 coverage of the croquet? 824 00:38:12,400 --> 00:38:13,880 I've got a bit of croquet here. 825 00:38:13,880 --> 00:38:16,680 - So... - Oh! 826 00:38:16,680 --> 00:38:18,400 Alan, what colour do you want to be? 827 00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:20,280 Do you want to be red or blue or...? 828 00:38:20,280 --> 00:38:22,160 - Black. - Black, here we go. 829 00:38:22,160 --> 00:38:23,400 Can I be the iron? 830 00:38:25,640 --> 00:38:28,120 Which way are you going to go? Are you going to go right...? 831 00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:32,000 LAUGHTER 832 00:38:36,520 --> 00:38:38,640 I don't know why that's pleased me so much. 833 00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:42,280 It went miles, it went miles, viewer! 834 00:38:42,280 --> 00:38:44,280 That'll be under someone's feet. 835 00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:46,080 Croquet, it was an Olympic sport. 836 00:38:46,080 --> 00:38:47,640 And it should be still. 837 00:38:47,640 --> 00:38:49,240 It was dropped after 1900 838 00:38:49,240 --> 00:38:51,720 because only one person turned up to watch, so... 839 00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:56,280 But the reason it's interesting is because the very first women to 840 00:38:56,280 --> 00:38:59,480 take part in the Olympics took part as part of the French croquet team. 841 00:38:59,480 --> 00:39:01,320 So there were seven men and three women. 842 00:39:01,320 --> 00:39:02,840 And it was thought to be rather racy 843 00:39:02,840 --> 00:39:05,960 because it was a game where men and women played on equal footing. 844 00:39:05,960 --> 00:39:08,960 There's a wonderful quote from the American Christian Review, 845 00:39:08,960 --> 00:39:13,560 in 1878, said, "Croquet would lead to moral decline in American women, 846 00:39:13,560 --> 00:39:17,000 "and consequences would include absence from church, 847 00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:20,160 "immoral conduct and eventually ruin." 848 00:39:23,160 --> 00:39:26,320 - True, though. - That's a very pessimistic view, isn't it, really? 849 00:39:26,320 --> 00:39:29,280 I love that. Anybody know the connection between 850 00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:32,600 croquet and Pall Mall, the great street in London? 851 00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:34,760 They played croquet upon it? 852 00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:37,080 Yes, they did. It is in fact where croquet comes from. 853 00:39:37,080 --> 00:39:40,120 An Italian game, 17th century game called Palle-Malle. 854 00:39:40,120 --> 00:39:42,680 And both Pall Mall and the Mall were designed 855 00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:44,560 specifically to play this game. 856 00:39:44,560 --> 00:39:46,000 They whacked the ball up the course 857 00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:48,360 and then they had to shoot a ball through a suspended 858 00:39:48,360 --> 00:39:50,960 hoop at the end, and that's where we begin to get croquet from. 859 00:39:50,960 --> 00:39:53,800 - That's much more like Quidditch. - It is, yes. 860 00:39:53,800 --> 00:39:57,120 There are people who play actual Quidditch near where I live. 861 00:39:57,120 --> 00:40:00,800 They run around with broomsticks between their legs. 862 00:40:00,800 --> 00:40:02,360 None of them can fly. 863 00:40:03,760 --> 00:40:06,720 That is what leads inevitably to ruin. 864 00:40:06,720 --> 00:40:08,040 - To ruin. - Yes. 865 00:40:08,040 --> 00:40:10,560 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 866 00:40:14,160 --> 00:40:17,080 So, the name comes from the Italian pallamaglio. 867 00:40:17,080 --> 00:40:19,440 Palla - ball and maglio - mallet. 868 00:40:19,440 --> 00:40:21,600 And it's where we get mall from, shopping mall, 869 00:40:21,600 --> 00:40:24,360 we get it from the Mall and all those wonderful games. 870 00:40:24,360 --> 00:40:26,240 Can I have my things back, please? 871 00:40:26,240 --> 00:40:29,320 I've lost the black, I'm sorry, it's gone. 872 00:40:29,320 --> 00:40:33,760 Now, which oath do doctors swear before entering practice? 873 00:40:33,760 --> 00:40:35,720 - Hippocratic? - Yay! 874 00:40:35,720 --> 00:40:38,240 SIREN BLARES 875 00:40:38,240 --> 00:40:39,760 They don't. It turns out they don't. 876 00:40:39,760 --> 00:40:41,640 - They don't. - Yeah, I knew that they didn't. 877 00:40:41,640 --> 00:40:42,720 You knew that? 878 00:40:42,720 --> 00:40:44,840 - A doctor friend of mine said, "Oh, no, we don't." - No. 879 00:40:44,840 --> 00:40:46,040 I was very disappointed. 880 00:40:46,040 --> 00:40:47,440 Yeah, "We do what we like." 881 00:40:48,680 --> 00:40:50,120 Fingers crossed all the way. 882 00:40:50,120 --> 00:40:52,200 "We do what we fancy, we know all the stuff 883 00:40:52,200 --> 00:40:53,560 "and then we do what we like." 884 00:40:55,000 --> 00:40:56,600 They do take sometimes an oath called 885 00:40:56,600 --> 00:40:59,680 the General Medical Council's Guidance on Good Practice, 886 00:40:59,680 --> 00:41:02,200 but the Hippocratic Oath that we talk about, they don't. 887 00:41:02,200 --> 00:41:04,920 Although it's got some great stuff in it, the Hippocratic Oath. 888 00:41:04,920 --> 00:41:07,480 Don't have sex with patients, that kind of thing, you know. 889 00:41:07,480 --> 00:41:08,760 I think that's quite good. 890 00:41:08,760 --> 00:41:10,680 Don't remove the kidney or bladder stones, 891 00:41:10,680 --> 00:41:12,440 that's part of the Hippocratic Oath. 892 00:41:12,440 --> 00:41:15,800 - I didn't know the Hippocratic Oath was this specific. - Yeah! 893 00:41:15,800 --> 00:41:18,400 I thought it was like general, airy-fairy, try and do good. 894 00:41:18,400 --> 00:41:21,760 - No, no, no, no. - "Airy-fairy, try and do good?" 895 00:41:21,760 --> 00:41:24,400 Yeah. If a patient is ill, try and make him better, or her better. 896 00:41:24,400 --> 00:41:27,280 The bit you are thinking of is "first do no harm". 897 00:41:27,280 --> 00:41:30,720 It actually comes from another part of Hippocrates' work. 898 00:41:30,720 --> 00:41:32,680 But in fact we don't even think he wrote the oath. 899 00:41:32,680 --> 00:41:35,760 It appears about a century after he popped his own clogs, 900 00:41:35,760 --> 00:41:37,400 so it's probably one of his students. 901 00:41:37,400 --> 00:41:39,960 But the doctors in America do take a more modern oath. 902 00:41:39,960 --> 00:41:41,920 Does anybody know what it's called? 903 00:41:41,920 --> 00:41:44,920 It's named after a pasta dish. 904 00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:46,200 Carbonara. 905 00:41:47,600 --> 00:41:51,040 - Ravioli. - The oath of ravioli, I like that. 906 00:41:51,040 --> 00:41:53,040 - The oath of Bolognese. - The oath of Bolognese. 907 00:41:53,040 --> 00:41:56,800 - Lasagna? - Yes, it's the Oath of Lasagna, you're absolutely right, 908 00:41:56,800 --> 00:42:00,240 written by a doctor in 1964 called Louis Lasagna. 909 00:42:02,400 --> 00:42:05,960 And at the end of all that, it is time for the scores. 910 00:42:05,960 --> 00:42:12,560 In first place, our employee of the week, with minus two, is David. 911 00:42:12,560 --> 00:42:14,920 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 912 00:42:17,520 --> 00:42:20,360 Performing adequately with minus five, it's Richard. 913 00:42:20,360 --> 00:42:23,800 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you. 914 00:42:23,800 --> 00:42:26,640 On a final warning with minus seven, Deirdre. 915 00:42:26,640 --> 00:42:28,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 916 00:42:29,920 --> 00:42:33,840 And clearing their desk with minus 49 points... 917 00:42:33,840 --> 00:42:35,360 ..Alan! 918 00:42:35,360 --> 00:42:38,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 919 00:42:43,760 --> 00:42:46,960 And of course we have a prize for our winner. 920 00:42:46,960 --> 00:42:49,200 This week's objectionable object is 921 00:42:49,200 --> 00:42:53,360 this lovely Queen Victoria milk jug. 922 00:42:53,360 --> 00:42:56,680 That's for you, David, because you can't have a show without prizes. 923 00:42:56,680 --> 00:42:58,080 Lovely. 924 00:42:58,080 --> 00:43:00,720 It only remains for me to thank Deirdre, Richard, David and Alan. 925 00:43:00,720 --> 00:43:03,920 Now it's time to clock out, and to encourage you all to leave, 926 00:43:03,920 --> 00:43:06,880 we've left a massive cheese in the car park. Goodnight.