1 00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:26,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:36,800 Good evening and welcome to QI. 3 00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:38,440 Tonight we are heading overseas, 4 00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:41,080 and helping me to oversee proceedings 5 00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:43,760 are the Maharaja of Mirth, Bill Bailey... 6 00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:45,600 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 7 00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:51,240 ..the Sultana of Swing, Desiree Burch... 8 00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:52,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 9 00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:59,440 ..the Grand Vizier of Gags, Colin Lane... 10 00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:01,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:06,600 ..and on his "gap yah", Alan Davies. 12 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 13 00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:15,840 Right, let's OVERSEA their buzzers. Bill goes... 14 00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:22,560 # Over the hills and far away... # 15 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:25,280 That's lovely. Desiree goes... 16 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:30,360 # It's a long way to Tipperary... # 17 00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:31,560 Colin goes... 18 00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:34,520 # I come from a land down under... # 19 00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:37,520 Alan goes... 20 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:40,800 # Show me the way to go home 21 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:44,400 # I'm tired and I wanna go to bed... # 22 00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:48,360 That's like the ultimate drunk song, isn't it, that? 23 00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:54,920 - Yeah. - Now, which Australian icon is regularly smeared in olive oil? 24 00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:57,360 - # Go home... # - Oh, Alan was in. 25 00:01:57,360 --> 00:01:58,600 Colin Lane. 26 00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:01,120 KLAXON BLARES 27 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:07,720 And it's not a good look. 28 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:11,360 So, I need an Australian icon regularly smeared in olive oil. 29 00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:14,200 Well, would it be an animal of some kind? 30 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:15,440 A beast, a thing? 31 00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:17,640 - No, it's not an animal. - Sydney Harbour Bridge is... 32 00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:19,200 - OK, you're getting close. - Ooh. 33 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:22,040 - Opera House? - Yes, the Opera House is absolutely the right answer. 34 00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:23,520 - Why did you say that? - It's 200 metres 35 00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:25,480 - from the Sydney Harbour Bridge. - Yeah, exactly. 36 00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:27,560 And you said that was close when he said... 37 00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:31,480 So there was a Greek migrant who arrived in Sydney in 1964, 38 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:34,680 Steve Tsoukalas, and he loved the building immediately. 39 00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:37,400 It was being built, he immediately decided he wanted to work there. 40 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:40,280 He is still working there, he's the longest-serving employee, 41 00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:42,920 and he was inspired by his own Greek heritage. 42 00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:45,760 So he said, "Olive oil for the Greeks means a lot of things. 43 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:48,960 "The Greeks used olive oil in the Olympic Games to rub on the body. 44 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:51,040 "Olive oil protects from the sun." 45 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:54,240 And he decided that the building needed to be rubbed in olive oil. 46 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:57,600 The fact is, it doesn't protect it from the sun at all, 47 00:02:57,600 --> 00:02:59,640 but it stops the railings and the door frames 48 00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:01,480 - and the windows from getting rusty. - Ah. 49 00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:03,600 He's still working there more than 50 years later. 50 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,320 And does it not deter people from clambering on it, 51 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:09,240 - I imagine, as well? - Because you'd slide off because of the olive oil. 52 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:12,440 I love the design of it, I think the design of it is extraordinary. 53 00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:15,080 Apparently the Danish architect Jorn Utzon... 54 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:16,600 SHE CHUCKLES 55 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:19,080 He got the idea when he was peeling an orange. 56 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:21,480 It's the segments of an orange, and then the 14 shells, 57 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:24,000 if you put them together, would make a perfect sphere. 58 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:25,760 What I love about the story is his design 59 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:27,280 was recovered from a reject pile. 60 00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:30,440 It was a competition and he got £5,000 for winning the competition. 61 00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:32,800 He got £5,000 and a lot of grief, unfortunately. 62 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:34,760 Yes, it didn't go well, did it? 63 00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:36,960 No, they ran out of money and then they didn't want to do 64 00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:38,400 his inside design, 65 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:42,000 so he was very unhappy and it's not a very funny story. 66 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:43,480 No. 67 00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:46,400 But, anyway, thanks to Australia for treating a Dane so well. 68 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:47,720 So, anyway... 69 00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:48,920 I'm kidding. 70 00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:51,960 There are lots of different ways of cleaning buildings. So, York Minster 71 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:54,680 found that covering the building in a paint made from olive oil 72 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,640 can also help to protect it from rain damage. 73 00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:59,000 So one of the components of olive oil is an acid 74 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,960 that reacts with limestone surfaces, 75 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,840 and it creates a barrier and stops water getting into the stone itself. 76 00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:05,920 So, actually, it is a wonderful thing, olive oil. 77 00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:07,280 It's a panacea, for buildings. 78 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:10,000 I remember, we had this neighbour once, who hated squirrels, 79 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:14,320 and he painted all the trees with anti-climb paint. 80 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:18,360 And... Which was... 81 00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:21,400 Obviously I don't know whether that's cruel or what, 82 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:25,120 - I don't know, but it was hilarious to watch. - Quite funny, yeah. 83 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:28,480 The cat would chase the squirrel, and the squirrel would go, 84 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:29,720 "Hey, I'm out of here!" 85 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:35,080 If he caught them, he'd drown them in a barrel. 86 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:36,160 That's right. 87 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:41,200 Yeah, yeah, that's the sort of darker element of his... 88 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:42,320 Of his squirrel hatred. 89 00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:45,240 - You were living next door to a psycho. - Yeah. Yeah, pretty much. 90 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:47,960 - And that's OK? You're allowed to do that? - You're allowed to do that. 91 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:50,400 - In fact, you're encouraged to do it. - Don't tell people that. 92 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:53,480 You're not allowed to do that. Please do not do this at home. 93 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:55,920 We had a fox in the garden and it was injured 94 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:57,200 and it was not going to make it. 95 00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:59,720 And, er, the kindest thing to do was to, you know... 96 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:01,720 - Put it out on the A40. - Yeah, yeah. 97 00:05:03,280 --> 00:05:05,400 Yeah, actually, that's... 98 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,000 Tie it to some railway tracks. 99 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:08,120 No, what we did was... 100 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:11,520 I had to, you know, finish it off and... 101 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:13,800 Not in that way, obviously! 102 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:15,760 I mean, it's going to die, give it a little joy. 103 00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:17,320 Well, I thought I'd better do it... 104 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:19,720 When you do that, is that a guitar, a mic stand, what is that? 105 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:22,240 Yeah, with a Flying V guitar. With a shovel. 106 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:24,320 And I thought, "I hope nobody's watching this," 107 00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:25,880 because that's not a good look, is it? 108 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:27,840 Animal lover Bill Bailey, by day. 109 00:05:27,840 --> 00:05:29,040 By night... 110 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,160 Mwa-ha-ha! 111 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:34,280 Aren't you supposed to put them at the back... 112 00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:36,920 Put the exhaust on if an animal's injured, put the exhaust on 113 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,240 and kill it with the fumes 114 00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:40,840 - from the back of a car? - Really? - Is that not a thing? 115 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:44,960 Drown it in a barrel suddenly sounds so far the most humane. 116 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:48,080 Fake the animal suicide - is that what we're doing? 117 00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:50,600 Write a little fox note with a paw print at the end. 118 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:51,840 "I couldn't go on." 119 00:05:51,840 --> 00:05:54,480 - Hooked up to the exhaust, yeah, that's it. - "Not enough rubbish." 120 00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:57,120 No, what you do, you hang it from a beam... 121 00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:59,080 ..you turn a chair over 122 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:02,080 and you put a puddle there as if there had once been a block of ice. 123 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:05,320 - Ooh! - And an electric fire. 124 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:08,040 - Oh, you just ring up Bill. - Just for me, I'll come round. 125 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:10,120 - I've got a taste for it now. - Bill with a shovel. 126 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:12,040 There are other things you can do with... 127 00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:13,720 I don't think I'll be able to say this - 128 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:16,440 there are other things you can do with olive oil! 129 00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:19,680 - Cover opera houses. - Yes. - Well, in Turkey, oil wrestling 130 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,160 is the national sport. 131 00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:24,400 They have an annual world series, it's called the Kirkpinar. 132 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:27,840 40 Springs. It's the oldest continuing sporting event 133 00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:29,160 in the world. 134 00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:32,160 There are 13 weight categories, from Best Beginner, 135 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:35,480 all the way up to Chief Wrestler, and taking in Big Medium, 136 00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:38,160 Small Medium Big and Small And Sweet. 137 00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:39,560 Which I like. 138 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:42,400 You are allowed to put your hand down your opponent's trousers. 139 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:45,560 - Hmm, there you go. - But it is explicitly against the rules 140 00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:48,160 to grab your opponent's testicles 141 00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:50,520 or invade his rectum. 142 00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:54,240 That was going to be the one, right there. 143 00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:58,680 - Just, ooh! - You can, if you want, you can put a squirrel down there. 144 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:00,840 - And that's... - Yes. 145 00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:04,440 Yeah, that squirrel will be committing suicide thereafter. 146 00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:07,840 This looks like an instructional video of a pickpocket. 147 00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:09,440 It's like, do's and don'ts. 148 00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:12,440 Do aim for the pocket. 149 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:13,800 Yeah. 150 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,360 The one on the right really looks compliant. 151 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:22,440 He's saying, "You can invade it if you like. 152 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:27,880 "I won't say a word!" 153 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:31,200 "It's not an invasion if I invite you in there." 154 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:34,760 Right, moving on, um... 155 00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:38,600 What did the Romans think the Britons had ever done for them? 156 00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:41,280 I'm going to give you a clue, it begins with O. 157 00:07:41,280 --> 00:07:44,520 Orienteering. They just went in straight lines, 158 00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:47,320 whereas we could go from point to point over all terrain. 159 00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:50,480 - Via a youth hostel. - Yes. - Yes. 160 00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:52,520 - They've got nothing to eat. - Octopus. 161 00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:54,280 Orally. 162 00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:57,000 THEY ALL MUMBLE SLOWLY 163 00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:58,560 Ovaltine! 164 00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:01,080 - Oysters. - Oysters. 165 00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:04,720 When they came to Britain, they fell in love with our oysters. 166 00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:08,360 The first century BC Roman historian, Sallust, he said, 167 00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:11,240 "Poor Britons, there is some good in them after all. 168 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:13,120 "They have produced an oyster." 169 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:14,960 So, do you like oysters? I love oysters. 170 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,920 - Yes. - Yeah, they're fantastic. - I think they are just delicious. 171 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:20,520 - I'll tell you what is nice. - Yeah. - Fish paste. 172 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,240 Innit, though? Fish paste on toast. 173 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:26,320 - Oh, it is, yeah. - Can you still get that? - Yeah. 174 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:27,920 Yeah, you can get that. 175 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:30,320 And Salisbury Cathedral is covered in it. 176 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:35,760 It stops the pigeons from landing. 177 00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:39,480 I just made that up, I don't know. It could be true, I don't know. 178 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:40,560 It sounds plausible. 179 00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:43,480 They used to transport the oysters from here all the way 180 00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:47,080 over the Alps in carts filled with snow and ice. 181 00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:49,880 The wealthier Romans used to have salt water tanks in their gardens, 182 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:52,480 so they could keep them fresh for parties and that sort of thing. 183 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:55,840 - Wait, they went over the Alps... - Yes. - ..rather than in a boat, 184 00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:58,200 since they'd already gotten something from the sea? 185 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:01,120 I think actually some did go by sea from the Kent coast from Reculver 186 00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:05,080 and places like that, but certainly a lot went up and over the Alps. 187 00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:07,960 You can find oyster shells from that part of the Kent coast 188 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:10,400 in Rome at some of the archaeological sites. 189 00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:12,520 - That is pretty weird. - That is quite strange. 190 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:13,920 But oysters aside, I have to say, 191 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:16,400 the Romans viewed the British as uncultured and backwards. 192 00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:20,400 They mocked their abundance of tattoos and lack of clothing. 193 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:25,960 - Nothing's changed. - Nothing's changed. - No! 194 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,720 The second-century historian Herodian, he reported the reason 195 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:31,120 they didn't wear clothes was to show off their tattoos. 196 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,760 Oysters have been very popular in this country for a long time. 197 00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:35,800 There's a horrible story of William Thackeray. 198 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:39,440 He tried one the size of a dinner plate when he was in New York, 199 00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:41,680 in 1852, and he described it, 200 00:09:41,680 --> 00:09:44,120 "Like swallowing a live baby." 201 00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:48,680 In the 19th century, London was plagued by a man called Dando, 202 00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:50,600 the celebrated oyster glutton. 203 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:54,440 This man was constantly sent to prison for overeating oysters 204 00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:59,600 and not paying the bill. And he became a sort of folk hero. 205 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,160 And every time he left prison, 206 00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:04,880 he went back out and immediately started eating oysters again, 207 00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:06,840 not paying for them, and then back in again. 208 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,440 There's a wonderful story about him leaving Brixton prison, 209 00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:13,640 still in the prison garb, he eats 13 dozen oysters, 210 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:16,000 and washes it down with five bottles of ginger beer, 211 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:20,600 because he was, "Troubled with wind in the stomach." 212 00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:23,600 You'd think he'd eat a quieter food if he'd been thrown in jail. 213 00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:25,680 It's all that slurping. Eat marshmallows. 214 00:10:25,680 --> 00:10:27,640 - Yes, something. - Yeah. - Yeah. 215 00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:30,120 He once ate 240 oysters in one sitting. 216 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:31,960 GASPS I know, that is really... 217 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,800 - Audible gasps! - Yes. 218 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,800 - Is it an aphrodisiac? - It IS an aphrodisiac. 219 00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:38,440 Casanova had 60 oysters for breakfast every day - 220 00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:40,720 that was his thing - and they've done studies on this, 221 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:44,560 and it's rich in rare amino acids which can trigger increased levels 222 00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:46,440 of sex hormones, so yes, it is an aphrodisiac. 223 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:48,440 Your breath would be pretty bad, wouldn't it? 224 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:50,600 I mean, you wouldn't want to have sex with that person 225 00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:51,960 if they'd eaten 240 oysters. 226 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:54,360 And also there'd be a lot of shells kicking around. 227 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:57,440 - A lot of shells. - It'd hurt. - Be a bit like lying on a bit of Lego, 228 00:10:57,440 --> 00:10:58,760 wouldn't it? 229 00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:01,880 I once lacerated my hand quite badly trying to open an oyster shell, 230 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:04,560 and I was trying to decide if that was the most middle-class injury 231 00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:06,480 you could possibly have. 232 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:08,640 And then I got my finger stuck in the ladies' lavatory 233 00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:11,600 at the Dorchester, and I thought, "No, that's quite bad as well." 234 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,560 No, the most middle-class injury would be 235 00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:15,880 passing the port the wrong way, 236 00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:17,600 and then realising it halfway through, 237 00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:19,800 - and getting a crick in your neck. - That's it! 238 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:22,440 Oh, God... Oh, GOD! 239 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:27,800 So, anyway. On the screen we have some anagrams of country names. 240 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:29,600 I want you to see how many you can work out. 241 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,560 And you've got just a few seconds. 242 00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:33,320 Write them down, please. 243 00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:36,480 - What are we working out, sorry? - What countries these are anagrams of. 244 00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:37,600 Oh, I see. 245 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:39,320 Well, I've got the first two. 246 00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:40,960 After that I'm in trouble. 247 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:44,480 OK. Who got all four? 248 00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:47,920 - # Down under... # - Oh, Colin! 249 00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:49,920 KLAXON BLARES 250 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:53,240 - "I did." I did is wrong? - Yes, it is wrong. 251 00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:55,720 It's not possible to get all four - how many did you get? 252 00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:57,040 Only the two. 253 00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:59,560 - Just two? - Yeah. - Colin, what did you think they were, darling? 254 00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:01,520 - Well, Wales. - Yes. 255 00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:03,560 - France. - Yes. 256 00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:05,960 - Angola. - Ah, there you go. 257 00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:07,200 And Kazakhstan. 258 00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:10,040 Yeah, it would be Kazakhstan, except there is an extra E. 259 00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:13,280 So the fourth one is not possible. 260 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:14,520 Here's the thing. 261 00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:18,480 - That's very good, I think. - Well, thank you very much, Alan. 262 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:20,400 I mean, obviously there's no E in Kazakhstan, 263 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:23,120 - but to get anywhere near is very impressive. - Thank you very much. 264 00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:26,080 I mean, I didn't even get Angola, I was so distracted by my own name. 265 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:27,120 Yeah! 266 00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:31,160 - Alan. Alan. Alan. - We're just celebrating the fact 267 00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:33,440 - that you saw your name in big letters. - Alan. Alan. Alan. 268 00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:36,280 Colin, it's not a good thing that you thought you'd got all four, 269 00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:39,280 because what they now know is that you're more likely to act immorally 270 00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:40,760 if you spend time abroad. 271 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:44,080 Yes, I just thought that I was right, but I wasn't. 272 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:46,000 So I didn't actually purposely lie. 273 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:47,040 No, no. 274 00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:48,880 So they did a study of this. 275 00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:51,960 They got people to solve anagrams, and what they've discovered is 276 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:53,600 that people who spend time abroad 277 00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:56,720 are more likely to say that they've done something correctly. 278 00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:59,920 48% of people who spent a year in a foreign country cheated on the test, 279 00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:01,680 compared with 30% of the others. 280 00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:04,520 The idea is that your moral compass loses some of its precision. 281 00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:06,440 The further from your home country? 282 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:10,680 Yeah. So a fifth of people admitted to stealing while they've been in a foreign country. 283 00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:12,560 So, what you're saying is that you go abroad, 284 00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:15,640 you live abroad for a bit, and you sort of, kind of, almost have 285 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:17,960 a bit of licence to reinvent yourself a little bit, 286 00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:20,080 - and become a different person... - Be a bit naughty. 287 00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:21,960 ..who would do things you'd not normally do? 288 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:24,840 Yeah. So 20% of people admitted to urinating in public when abroad, 289 00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:26,480 but wouldn't dream of doing it. 290 00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:28,960 - Oh. - Although the first time I came over to Europe, 291 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:30,560 everyone was pissing everywhere. 292 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:33,560 Out along the streets, it was like, this is the way of the Europeans. 293 00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:36,480 - Everyone... - Oh. Whereabouts in Britain were you at this point? 294 00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:39,840 So, lots of people do that. 5% of people who did the survey, 295 00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:42,840 drinking too much has led to a naked escapade in public, 296 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:44,320 but only when abroad. 297 00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:47,120 I've never... Have you had a naked escapade abroad? 298 00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:48,960 I don't know why I'm looking at you, Bill. 299 00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:52,120 Um, no, well, no. Well, all right, well... 300 00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:53,760 - Yeah, I have. - Yeah. 301 00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:57,240 I got locked out of a room once. 302 00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:01,800 The thing I don't understand, Expedia, a travel company, 303 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:03,920 they did a survey in 2002, 304 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:06,560 and the British were voted the worst tourists in the world. 305 00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:08,440 Yeah! 306 00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:11,040 - Champions! - Number one! 307 00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:12,920 In your face, Europe! 308 00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,240 Well, because Europe, 309 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,920 your liquor laws make everything close at midnight, 310 00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:21,440 and then you go to these places where you can drink until 4am. 311 00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:23,480 You don't know how to pace or control yourselves. 312 00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:26,160 - No, that's true. - It's like, "Lads! Lads! Lads!" Everywhere. 313 00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:28,480 And people are like, really, it's OK, you can... 314 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:31,320 There's more to drink tomorrow! Stop for now. 315 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:34,840 The Danes have a completely different attitude 316 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:36,080 to the whole thing. 317 00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:38,640 I was once taken to the Central Hospital in Copenhagen, 318 00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:41,080 the A&E department on a Saturday night, 319 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:42,520 and it was completely empty. 320 00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:44,240 They self medicate, though, don't they? 321 00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:46,720 They stitch one another up with string. 322 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:48,800 Gurdy-gurdy-gurdy. AARGH! 323 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:50,400 Bite on this! 324 00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:51,760 HE YELLS 325 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:56,080 I said to the nurse, I said, "Where all the drunks?" 326 00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:58,400 And she said, "If people are drunk, they should go home." 327 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,040 And your neighbours, you're very, very organised. Extraordinary. 328 00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:05,160 I did a festival in southern Sweden, in Lund, 329 00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:06,240 and it was Friday night, 330 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:08,760 and you'd think, Friday night in any town in Britain, 331 00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:12,680 all the pubs are open, it's, you know, it's like Day Of The Dead. 332 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:17,280 But I've been in many, many European capitals 333 00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:19,680 where the only people still up are the British tourists. 334 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:23,040 You know? In a fountain going "whay"! 335 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:24,400 But here is the strange thing. 336 00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,200 They did the same survey seven years later, 337 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:28,240 and Britain had jumped to second-best tourists, 338 00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:30,200 so they'd gone from being worst to being second, 339 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:31,800 and I can't work out why in seven years. 340 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:34,240 - They're trying to get back to number one. - Yeah, do you think? 341 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:36,240 Guess who's the best tourists in the world? 342 00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:38,240 No, darling, it's not the Australians. 343 00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:39,920 - Japanese? - Japanese, yeah, absolutely. 344 00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:43,680 The most polite, quietest, cleanest, least likely to complain. 345 00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:46,800 - Yeah. - And by the way, as far as alcohol is concerned, Australia, 346 00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:48,840 we never touch the stuff. 347 00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:51,400 Never touch your shitty lager, that's for sure. 348 00:15:57,800 --> 00:16:00,280 Well, we... We don't touch it either - 349 00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:02,280 that's why we sent it all over here. 350 00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:06,480 My favourite story about people getting drunk abroad 351 00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:08,600 happened in 2012, two Welsh holiday-makers. 352 00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:11,800 They drank a litre and a half of vodka, right? 353 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:14,400 So this is like two wine bottles, basically, of vodka. 354 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:16,960 - Bloody hell. - They were in Queensland, and they woke up to find 355 00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:21,680 they were sharing their apartment with a fairy penguin called Dirk 356 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:25,720 they had obtained by breaking into SeaWorld the night before. 357 00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:29,000 They're the smallest species of penguin, about 13 inches high. 358 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,320 They had apparently also swum with the dolphins 359 00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:33,480 and let off a fire extinguisher in the shark pool. 360 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:39,000 They then tried to care for the penguin by giving it a shower. 361 00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:43,760 I feel like this is a plot to a Hollywood film. 362 00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:46,480 Like, they've had the best vacation they'll never remember. 363 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:49,320 Yes, you're absolutely right. 364 00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:51,440 And then they tried to put it in a canal, 365 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:54,280 because they didn't know what to do with it. 366 00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,520 - What a night! - Yeah, seriously! 367 00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:59,200 - Top night out. - Yeah. - Once you've put out a shark that's on fire... 368 00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:04,440 Can you imagine waking up drunk and there's a penguin right there? 369 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,000 How did they find out it was called Dirk? 370 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:12,840 - I think SeaWorld said, "Where the hell is Dirk?" - Oh, OK. 371 00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:16,240 - Dirk's always out with the Welsh lads. - Yeah. 372 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:20,360 Right, what am I doing here? 373 00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:21,440 Oh. 374 00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:26,240 OK, it's a cry for help. 375 00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:28,640 Some of my... Some of my finest work, I think you'll find. 376 00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:31,320 Overdoing it, overreacting? 377 00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:34,160 Yes, yes, there is that, 378 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,000 but where might I... Where do you think... 379 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:39,840 - Oh... - Somewhere in like the prairie, the plains? - Ohio? 380 00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:42,240 - Look, watch this, this is good. - Oh! 381 00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,200 So, keep going - it's beginning with O, 382 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:48,320 - somewhere in the United States. - Austin? - Ohio? 383 00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:49,640 Austin doesn't begin with an O. 384 00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:50,680 Oh, right, yeah. 385 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:53,720 - Oh... - Oklahoma! - There we go! 386 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,560 So when Oklahoma was opened up to American settlers, 387 00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:01,960 you could claim your favourite plot of land by just standing on it, 388 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:04,440 waving your hat in the air and shouting "hurrah"! 389 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:09,840 In 1889, President Benjamin Harrison declared two million acres 390 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:12,840 of Indian territories, so that's the future Oklahoma, 391 00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:14,440 to be available to white settlers, 392 00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:16,920 and they did it on one day, April 22nd. 393 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:20,440 50,000 Americans set up tents along the border 394 00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:21,680 and then they galloped... 395 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:23,520 Apart from the bloke from the Village People, 396 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:24,760 who was on a Penny Farthing. 397 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:27,560 He is quite camp, isn't he? 398 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,120 There was a starting gun at midday, 399 00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:32,400 and they were called boomers, after the sound of the gun 400 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,400 and there were special boomer trains as well, 401 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:36,440 but they weren't allowed to go any faster 402 00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:39,080 than the maximum speed of the horse so that nobody could cheat. 403 00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:41,280 And then you just stood on the land, you waved your hat, 404 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:43,360 and shouted "hurrah", and you got your piece of land. 405 00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:44,760 Well, how would you have a dispute 406 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:47,560 if two people got to the same piece of land and one was like "whooo"! 407 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,560 And the other one was like, "No, whooo!" 408 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:51,480 I think in a traditional American way. 409 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:54,400 You'd get shot. Yeah. Why, why did I ask? 410 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:57,080 There was another way actually you could claim the land - 411 00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:59,640 - you could stand on it and fire a pistol. - Oh, there you go. 412 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:02,600 There was an amazing woman called Nannita Daisy - 413 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,640 she's a great legend in the United States 414 00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:06,240 for fighting gender discrimination, 415 00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:08,440 but she took part in four Oklahoma land runs, 416 00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:10,840 and she got her first bit of land by jumping off a train, 417 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:12,560 firing a celebratory shot, 418 00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:14,720 and getting back on the same train, 419 00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:16,640 - and carrying on to the next piece of land. - Wow! 420 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,880 Allegedly, she jumped off the cow catcher at the front, 421 00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:20,760 although we don't know if that's true or not. 422 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,720 But she is considered a hero in Oklahoma. 423 00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:24,880 There's a statue to her in Edmond in Oklahoma. 424 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:26,840 How did she jump off the train in those heels? 425 00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:28,560 - I don't buy it. - Yeah... 426 00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:31,600 You didn't choose to re-enact that? No? 427 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:33,960 There's a limit to what I'll do for this show and that's it, 428 00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:35,000 right there. 429 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,920 So as well as boomers, there were also sooners, 430 00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:40,600 and these were people who in the Oklahoma Territory 431 00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:42,240 before the legal date and time, 432 00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,920 and because of that, Oklahoma is known as The Sooner State. 433 00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:48,560 The name Oklahoma comes from the Choctaw phrase okla humma, 434 00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:50,680 which literally means red people. 435 00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:52,800 The thing I love about the Choctaw people, 436 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:55,520 in 1847 there's a great famine in Ireland, 437 00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:58,960 and they were so moved to hear about people starving in Ireland 438 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,120 that they gathered together 170... 439 00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:02,680 So, these are a poor people, 440 00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:05,760 gathering together what was a huge sum of money at that time. 441 00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:09,240 People did suffer terribly in their removal from the Indian territory. 442 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:10,360 ..and sent it to the Irish. 443 00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:13,400 - Do you not think that is wonderfully affecting? - That's incredible. - Yeah. 444 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:16,520 Now, we all know who was overpaid, oversexed and over here. 445 00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:20,960 But who was overpaid, undersexed and over there? 446 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,480 - Well, these are GIs we're talking about. - OK, GIs. Yeah. 447 00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:26,960 - But you're saying there was an equivalent? - Yes. - Oh, OK, undersexed. 448 00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:29,000 Oh, all the women who were left behind waiting, 449 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:32,000 - although they weren't overpaid, were they? - No. - Well, it depends. 450 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:33,440 So, during the Second World War, 451 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:36,840 the wives of the American servicemen who'd been sent to fight abroad, 452 00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:39,000 they got an allotment. It was known as an allotment, 453 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,880 and it was 50 a month for their husband's tour. 454 00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:46,600 And if the husband died in battle, they got 10,000 life insurance. 455 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:48,960 Some of the women thought, "That's a marvellous idea." 456 00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:51,200 So they married as many men as they could! 457 00:20:52,360 --> 00:20:53,920 So, they were bigamists. 458 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,000 They were known as Allotment Annies. 459 00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:58,520 There's a fabulous story about one of them, Elvira Taylor. 460 00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:02,000 She was 17 years old, and she had married two men, 461 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:05,200 and she was caught out by the most unbelievably unlucky coincidence. 462 00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:07,560 There were two American sailors in a pub - this is not them, 463 00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:09,440 this is just us showing two American sailors. 464 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:12,560 And they both showed a photograph of their wife... 465 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:18,440 ..to the other, and it turns out she was in fact married to both of them, 466 00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:20,080 as well as four other sailors. 467 00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,760 Oh, hashtag role models. 468 00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:26,760 In fact, the practice was considered so widespread 469 00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:28,560 that warnings against possible bigamists 470 00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:31,240 were printed in every civil notice of every single marriage. 471 00:21:31,240 --> 00:21:34,480 There was even a film, Allotment Wives, released about them. 472 00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:36,720 Hundreds of women were convicted after the war 473 00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:38,120 of having been Allotment Annies. 474 00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:40,840 - Wow. - Allotment Annies. - I know, it's a great phrase, isn't it? 475 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:42,800 It is, yeah. 476 00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:45,560 Now, when Americans were first described as overpaid, 477 00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:48,880 oversexed and over here, where was here? 478 00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:50,040 Kent. 479 00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:52,920 I love this picture! 480 00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:58,000 - Colin should know this. - Australia. 481 00:21:58,000 --> 00:21:59,880 Australia is absolutely the right answer. 482 00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:02,280 - ALL: - Ah! - Wave the flag! Australia flag? 483 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:03,560 Yay! 484 00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:05,880 - This one's like... - SHE GROWLS 485 00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:08,560 So the first GIs arrived in Australia, December 1941, 486 00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:11,040 and a couple of months later they arrived in the UK, 487 00:22:11,040 --> 00:22:14,280 so that expression "overpaid, oversexed and over here" 488 00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:17,240 initially was used to refer to them in Australia. 489 00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:19,960 - But they must have been very sexy to the Australian women. - Oh, yes. 490 00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:22,440 I mean, they were well dressed and well paid. 491 00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:24,720 Are you saying that the Americans were attractive, 492 00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:27,800 or are you saying that Australia's women are desperate? Or... 493 00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:30,680 Any time anyone comes over from another place, 494 00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:32,440 they're always like, "Ooh, exotic! 495 00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:35,360 "I like the way you talk, you say what we say but different. 496 00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:36,400 "Nom." 497 00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:39,320 Exactly. 498 00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:41,080 Except if you're from Birmingham. 499 00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:44,400 - BRUMMIE ACCENT: - Hullo! 500 00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:48,400 And letters from Birmingham can be addressed directly to Bill Bailey... 501 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,560 No, they're all in Birmingham, all going, 502 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:52,560 - BRUMMIE ACCENT: - "It's true, that, it's true." 503 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:54,160 "Hullo, oi'm from anuther countray!" 504 00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:58,800 "Do you fancy going to... Don't go!" 505 00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:04,040 Allotment Annies could make 50 per month per husband, 506 00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:05,320 and that's a-lot-men. 507 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:08,880 GROANING AND APPLAUSE 508 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:18,880 OK, who am I talking about? A great beauty, pouty lips, long legs, 509 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:20,520 good posture, firm ears, 510 00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:23,280 and spits in your face when you annoy them? 511 00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:25,360 - Camel. - It is a camel, indeed. 512 00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:27,000 - Yeah. - Pouty lips?! 513 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:29,280 Pouty lips, yes. There you are, look - 514 00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:31,320 they have naturally pouty lips. 515 00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:34,000 Every year the government of which country... 516 00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:35,880 It's the only one in the world begins with O? 517 00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:39,280 - Oman. - Oman. ..runs a camel beauty contest. 518 00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:42,400 So I've got the guidelines for a beautiful camel. 519 00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:44,360 "Well-proportioned body and face." 520 00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:45,720 - Essential. - Essential. 521 00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:47,520 "A long gharib." 522 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:49,040 Anybody know what the gharib is? 523 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:50,360 - Gharib. - The penis. 524 00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:54,360 Is it their neck thing? 525 00:23:54,360 --> 00:23:57,600 It is the area between the hump and the neck, is the gharib. 526 00:23:57,600 --> 00:24:01,600 - Oh, OK. - "Long body, firm ears, pouty lips. 527 00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:04,200 "Broad cheeks, big whiskers, a long, straight neck, 528 00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:06,880 "long straight legs, and fur shimmer." 529 00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:08,040 A shiny coat, I guess. 530 00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:10,560 Yeah. And the most important thing is it's got to be large. 531 00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:13,960 There are no hybrid breeds, no fur dying, colouring, tattooing, 532 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:16,360 that kind of thing. The natural look is what they want. 533 00:24:16,360 --> 00:24:18,520 But there are other animal beauty contests, 534 00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:20,640 and one of them is held here in the UK. 535 00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:24,520 It's an annual tarantula beauty contest. 536 00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:27,280 So we are going to have a look to see how beautiful tarantulas are. 537 00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:29,360 Please welcome zoologist Mark Amey. 538 00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:31,160 APPLAUSE 539 00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:38,160 Thank you, Mark. Now, here is the thing, 540 00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:42,960 is that we don't in any way want to upset the tarantulas, obviously. 541 00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:45,640 - COLIN: - Don't open the lid, don't open the lid. Don't open the lid. 542 00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:49,080 So only one person is going to handle. 543 00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:51,160 - This is Rosie the tarantula. - Don't! 544 00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:53,280 And Bill's volunteered, haven't you, Bill? 545 00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:56,680 - Yes, I have. - Ah, he's... Oh, yeah. 546 00:24:56,680 --> 00:25:00,200 - And what is this one? - That's a Mexican redknee tarantula. 547 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:03,120 - Right. - And this one is a Chilean rose tarantula. 548 00:25:03,120 --> 00:25:04,520 She is called Rosie, isn't she? 549 00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:06,480 - Yeah. - OK. How dangerous are they? 550 00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:08,320 I mean, some people are afraid of them. 551 00:25:08,320 --> 00:25:09,640 Their venom is very mild. 552 00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:11,080 - Right. - So it's equivalent to a... 553 00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:12,920 COLIN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY 554 00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:17,040 - Completely natural. - Venom is mild? 555 00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:19,480 It's similar to bees' and wasps' stings. 556 00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:21,960 So it's a neurotoxin, but it's a low-level neurotoxin. 557 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:24,720 - Oh, that's all right, then! - But tell me about the... 558 00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:27,200 Like a nettle sting that they can give off from their abdomen - 559 00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:29,120 - is that right? - Yeah, it's called urticating. 560 00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:31,560 And those hairs are like little javelin spears 561 00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:34,240 that go in an upward direction, and they're all barbed. 562 00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:37,320 So when they hit something like eyes or skin, they stick in. 563 00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:40,080 It comes from the Latin for nettle, so it feels like a nettle sting? 564 00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:41,760 - Is that the sensation? - Yeah, it does. - Oh. 565 00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:43,080 And do they mind being handled? 566 00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:45,240 No, this one's quite used to it, and quite enjoys it. 567 00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:47,560 Have you known Rosie from... I don't, from...? 568 00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:49,400 I've had her for over 20 years, but that... 569 00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:51,080 I don't know how long they'll live. 570 00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:54,280 - She could live another 10, 20 years? - Yeah. - It's very sweet. - But the boys, 571 00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:56,200 the boys reach sexual maturity, and then what? 572 00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:57,840 - Oh, then they're pretty doomed. - Right. 573 00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:00,040 They stop feeding, and their whole purpose in life 574 00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:01,280 is to try and find females. 575 00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:03,960 - Yes. - And then they'll usually die of starvation. 576 00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:05,440 If not, 577 00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:07,960 the last female that they mate with generally kills him. 578 00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:10,440 Well, I think they're both super. Thank you so much, Mark, 579 00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:12,720 for bringing them in and thank you to Rosie. 580 00:26:12,720 --> 00:26:15,040 - Thank you very much. - APPLAUSE 581 00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:21,240 Now, why would you keep your brother in a cage? 582 00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:24,160 If he was a bit like my brother, 583 00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:27,440 who used to like to pin me down and dribble into my mouth... 584 00:26:27,440 --> 00:26:28,600 Oh, yeah. 585 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:31,880 - Oh! - Eurgh. - It's a funny relationship with brothers, isn't it? 586 00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:34,720 So, my brother and I, we used to play this game at night. 587 00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:37,000 We'd turn out the lights and roll up a pair of socks 588 00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:39,760 and throw them, and if you hit each other, then you got a point. 589 00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:41,840 And I always won. And that is because 590 00:26:41,840 --> 00:26:43,840 he had a luminous dial on his watch. 591 00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:49,200 And I never told him, right, 592 00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:51,560 until his 50th birthday. 593 00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:54,600 And he's STILL cross about it! 594 00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:00,680 I had a big brother who used to bully me, 595 00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:02,160 and I had a little brother as well. 596 00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:05,520 And he was one day in the bathroom, and he was nude, 597 00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:09,760 came out of the bathroom and just went, "I am a robot, I am a robot." 598 00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:12,200 We thought that was pretty funny. And then he turned around, 599 00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:14,200 and he had a battery sticking out of his bum. 600 00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:19,400 Actually, we're going right back to Ottoman times. 601 00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:21,280 So, as the Ottoman Empire expanded, 602 00:27:21,280 --> 00:27:23,840 it was decreed that when a sultan ascended to the throne, 603 00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:25,200 he should kill all his brothers, 604 00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:27,280 to prevent sibling rivalry and that kind of thing. 605 00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:30,920 And then this guy pitched up, Sultan Ahmed I. 606 00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:33,120 1603, and he said, "I don't want to kill my brothers." 607 00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:35,720 He's obviously a nice guy, so he made this very special pavilion 608 00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:38,280 and it was called The Cage. And they were cut off from the world, 609 00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:40,480 all his brothers, they were accompanied by eunuchs, 610 00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:42,480 and concubines past child-bearing age, 611 00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:46,200 so they couldn't have any progeny to mess up everything. 612 00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:48,960 And they spent all their time doing macrame. 613 00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:50,640 Ah, how lovely. 614 00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:52,800 - I know. - In the shape of a noose. 615 00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:55,440 Yeah. And then if a sultan died without a son, 616 00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:58,600 one of the brothers would be taken from the cage and made Sultan. 617 00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:01,600 Right, so is this a way of protecting the line, the lineage? 618 00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:03,000 - Yeah. - Right. - It is exactly that. 619 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:04,880 But the one who came from the cage, 620 00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:08,160 that wasn't just whoever's the oldest, there was terrible fighting. 621 00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:11,680 1622, Sultan Osman II died by... 622 00:28:11,680 --> 00:28:16,240 "Compression of the testicles at the hands of an assassin, 623 00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:18,480 - "Pehlivan the Oil Wrestler." - Ah! 624 00:28:21,040 --> 00:28:23,600 You can die from compression of the testicles? 625 00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:27,080 - Yeah! - Ooh... - Oh, I don't know, embarrassment, maybe. 626 00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:29,680 It would hurt a lot, I imagine you might black out. 627 00:28:29,680 --> 00:28:33,360 - If that happens in the bathtub, you're a goner. - Absolutely, yeah. 628 00:28:33,360 --> 00:28:35,160 They had quite a lot of strange rules. 629 00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:38,040 One of my favourites, if a grand Vizier of the Ottoman Empire was 630 00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:41,720 sentenced to death, he could have the sentence commuted to banishment 631 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:45,280 if he beat the head gardener, who was also the chief executioner, 632 00:28:45,280 --> 00:28:47,800 in a race around the royal palace. 633 00:28:47,800 --> 00:28:50,080 So the Vizier would be summoned by the gardener, 634 00:28:50,080 --> 00:28:52,120 and he would be handed a cup of sherbet. 635 00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:55,640 If it was white, it was all fine, if it was red, it meant death. 636 00:28:55,640 --> 00:28:58,000 And he had to run 300 yards from the palace to a place 637 00:28:58,000 --> 00:28:59,880 called the Fish Market Gate, 638 00:28:59,880 --> 00:29:03,080 and if he survived, then he could carry on living. 639 00:29:03,080 --> 00:29:05,960 And this carried on quite well into the 19th century. 640 00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:08,600 It's such an interesting period of history, the Ottoman Empire. 641 00:29:08,600 --> 00:29:11,480 So 1517, they had one of their most famous victories, 642 00:29:11,480 --> 00:29:13,600 over the Mamluks of Egypt. 643 00:29:13,600 --> 00:29:15,520 And it's largely down to the fact 644 00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:18,240 that the Mamluks considered guns beneath their dignity. 645 00:29:18,240 --> 00:29:20,840 - Huh. - They refused to use them, and that's how they were... 646 00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:24,080 - Idiots! - Yeah, exactly. Totally wiped out. - Yeah. 647 00:29:24,080 --> 00:29:27,240 When the Ottomans invaded Constantinople the previous century, 648 00:29:27,240 --> 00:29:30,280 they had to get from here to here with their boats. 649 00:29:30,280 --> 00:29:32,280 How did they do it? 650 00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:33,720 Walking? Is it shallow? 651 00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:35,680 Walking is in fact the correct answer. 652 00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:38,200 So it was impossible to get into the Golden Horn 653 00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:41,560 because there was a huge iron chain floating on logs 654 00:29:41,560 --> 00:29:43,960 that had been installed across the entrance to defend it, 655 00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:45,960 so they secretly built a road, 656 00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:49,400 and they rolled the boats along on logs. 657 00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:51,720 They had all previously hidden their guns there... 658 00:29:51,720 --> 00:29:54,000 How do you secretly build a road? 659 00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:57,000 And why can't construction workers do that now? They're so loud! 660 00:29:58,440 --> 00:29:59,680 The very first railways, 661 00:29:59,680 --> 00:30:01,040 or what we think of as railways, 662 00:30:01,040 --> 00:30:02,360 were rather a similar system. 663 00:30:02,360 --> 00:30:04,160 You used to move ships around in this way. 664 00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:07,720 You can see here, it's a paved trackway near Corinth. 665 00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:09,160 It's called the Diolkos, 666 00:30:09,160 --> 00:30:11,840 and it allowed ships to be moved over the isthmus of Corinth, 667 00:30:11,840 --> 00:30:14,120 and that's kind of considered to be the early railways, 668 00:30:14,120 --> 00:30:16,440 but it's basically rolling ships on logs. 669 00:30:16,440 --> 00:30:19,240 Or you could just cover the ground in olive oil and they'd just slide. 670 00:30:19,240 --> 00:30:21,520 - Just slide along! - Yeah! 671 00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:22,800 Now, what can you tell about 672 00:30:22,800 --> 00:30:24,640 somebody who wears socks with sandals? 673 00:30:25,880 --> 00:30:27,760 They're English. 674 00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:29,560 KLAXON BLARES 675 00:30:35,920 --> 00:30:37,960 - They don't care any more. - They've given up. 676 00:30:37,960 --> 00:30:40,560 They've got at least three embarrassed children behind them, 677 00:30:40,560 --> 00:30:42,440 like, "Dad, God, come on!" 678 00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:44,560 They've gone for comfort over style. 679 00:30:44,560 --> 00:30:46,200 Well, here's the curious thing. 680 00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:49,600 Wearing socks with sandals actually once saved somebody's life. 681 00:30:49,600 --> 00:30:51,040 There's a man called Hiroo Onoda, 682 00:30:51,040 --> 00:30:52,480 and he was a Japanese army officer 683 00:30:52,480 --> 00:30:56,280 who refused to believe that World War II had ended. 684 00:30:56,280 --> 00:30:58,440 He was in the mountains of the Philippines, 685 00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:00,760 and they dropped leaflets saying the war was over, 686 00:31:00,760 --> 00:31:02,120 but he didn't believe it. 687 00:31:02,120 --> 00:31:04,760 He was in hiding until 1974. 688 00:31:04,760 --> 00:31:06,720 There was a man called Norio Suzuki. 689 00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:09,240 He was the person who eventually found him. 690 00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:10,480 There they are together, 691 00:31:10,480 --> 00:31:13,160 and he was spared by Onoda because 692 00:31:13,160 --> 00:31:16,240 he was wearing socks with his sandals. 693 00:31:16,240 --> 00:31:18,000 And Onoda wrote, "I might have shot him, 694 00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:19,920 "but he had on these thick woollen socks, 695 00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:21,760 "even though he was wearing sandals." 696 00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:24,120 The islanders would never do anything so incongruous, 697 00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:26,920 so he thought he'd spare him from that. 698 00:31:26,920 --> 00:31:29,480 I like Suzuki - he dropped out of college 699 00:31:29,480 --> 00:31:33,560 and announced that he was going to look for the abominable snowman, 700 00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:34,880 a panda bear, 701 00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:36,480 and Hiroo Onoda. 702 00:31:36,480 --> 00:31:38,600 And he died, in fact, in an avalanche in 1986, 703 00:31:38,600 --> 00:31:41,280 whilst still searching for the abominable snowman. 704 00:31:41,280 --> 00:31:44,080 - Should have ticked off the panda first, really. - Oh, yeah! 705 00:31:44,080 --> 00:31:45,120 But Onoda, 706 00:31:45,120 --> 00:31:47,960 the gentleman who was conducting guerrilla warfare for 30 years, 707 00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:49,520 he effectively got away with murder, 708 00:31:49,520 --> 00:31:51,960 because he killed 30 people during his guerrilla campaign, 709 00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:54,200 but he was pardoned because he thought he was at war, 710 00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:56,200 so there would be no crime if he is at war. 711 00:31:56,200 --> 00:31:58,200 And he's not the only Japanese holdout. 712 00:31:58,200 --> 00:32:01,320 In 1972, there was another soldier found on the island of Guam, 713 00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:03,560 also still under the impression that he was at war. 714 00:32:03,560 --> 00:32:05,120 He got back to Japan and said, 715 00:32:05,120 --> 00:32:07,600 "It is with much embarrassment I have returned." 716 00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:10,880 And he was missing for 28 years, and got 300 back pay. 717 00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:14,880 - He wasn't wearing sandals? - No. 718 00:32:14,880 --> 00:32:18,160 - I mean, it is quite a Japanese thing wearing socks and sandals. - It is. 719 00:32:18,160 --> 00:32:20,920 They wear these socks which are called tabi, which stop chafing. 720 00:32:20,920 --> 00:32:22,160 It's a thing. 721 00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:24,120 If you see someone wearing socks and sandals, 722 00:32:24,120 --> 00:32:26,440 they are probably either an Englishman abroad, 723 00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:28,640 or a Japanese officer still fighting World War II. 724 00:32:29,920 --> 00:32:31,720 Now we arrive at the slippery individual 725 00:32:31,720 --> 00:32:34,320 that we call General Ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, please. 726 00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:39,280 Where are most of the world's obelisks? 727 00:32:39,280 --> 00:32:41,080 # Go home... # 728 00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:43,440 - Alan? - London. 729 00:32:43,440 --> 00:32:45,640 - No. - Oh, come on, we've got one. 730 00:32:46,760 --> 00:32:48,280 We've got one! 731 00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:49,560 # Down under... # 732 00:32:49,560 --> 00:32:52,040 - Tasmania. - I want that to be true. 733 00:32:52,040 --> 00:32:53,960 But no, they are in Rome. 734 00:32:53,960 --> 00:32:58,080 There are twice as many obelisks in Rome as there are in Egypt. 735 00:32:58,080 --> 00:32:59,880 So 13 in Rome, six in Egypt. 736 00:32:59,880 --> 00:33:03,120 They were nicked by... Well, five of the ones in Rome are home-grown, 737 00:33:03,120 --> 00:33:04,880 but the rest were taken from Egypt. 738 00:33:04,880 --> 00:33:07,080 The Egyptians called them tekhenu. 739 00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:09,720 We call them obelisks because Herodotus, the Greek traveller, 740 00:33:09,720 --> 00:33:12,640 was the first one to write about them, so we get the Greek name. 741 00:33:12,640 --> 00:33:13,840 So you said Britain has one. 742 00:33:13,840 --> 00:33:16,960 - What is the name of the one that we have? - I don't know. 743 00:33:16,960 --> 00:33:19,480 - There it is. - It's Cleopatra's Needle, right? 744 00:33:19,480 --> 00:33:21,680 Yes! The American gets the point! 745 00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:23,680 APPLAUSE 746 00:33:25,400 --> 00:33:28,320 Of course, as soon as you say it, of course! 747 00:33:28,320 --> 00:33:29,560 Yes! 748 00:33:29,560 --> 00:33:31,520 It's 3,000 years old, I do know that. 749 00:33:31,520 --> 00:33:33,480 Well, do you know that it nearly didn't get here? 750 00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:35,880 It was given to the UK in 1819 by the then ruler of Egypt, 751 00:33:35,880 --> 00:33:40,840 - Muhammad Ali, who went on to have a very fine boxing career... - Yeah! 752 00:33:40,840 --> 00:33:43,560 ..to commemorate Lord Nelson's victory at the Battle of the Nile. 753 00:33:43,560 --> 00:33:45,520 The British government thought it marvellous, 754 00:33:45,520 --> 00:33:47,800 but didn't want to transport it because it cost a fortune 755 00:33:47,800 --> 00:33:49,480 to bring such a big piece of stone over 756 00:33:49,480 --> 00:33:52,040 and eventually there was a purpose-built iron cylinder made - 757 00:33:52,040 --> 00:33:54,640 there it is - and it was towed towards Britain by a ship 758 00:33:54,640 --> 00:33:57,240 called the Olga, and then the Olga unfortunately was wrecked, 759 00:33:57,240 --> 00:33:58,760 and the obelisk was lost at sea, 760 00:33:58,760 --> 00:34:00,960 it was bobbing up and down for five days, 761 00:34:00,960 --> 00:34:03,560 and a passing ship thought, "I wonder what that is." 762 00:34:04,760 --> 00:34:06,040 And grabbed it on a rope, 763 00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:09,760 and towed it back, and that is how it eventually ended up in Britain. 764 00:34:09,760 --> 00:34:13,720 - Now, what's it outside Mongolia? - A lot of things... 765 00:34:13,720 --> 00:34:16,200 - Outer Mongolia? - KLAXON BLARES 766 00:34:19,160 --> 00:34:21,640 It's just like you're walking into a spider web. 767 00:34:21,640 --> 00:34:23,600 I know! Come into my trap, my pretties! 768 00:34:25,520 --> 00:34:28,760 - No, doesn't exist, Outer Mongolia. - What? - I know! 769 00:34:28,760 --> 00:34:30,560 - It's in Tintin! - No, see... 770 00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:36,840 When it did exist, it was inside the modern country of Mongolia, 771 00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:40,360 so it did exist, 1644 to 1911, 772 00:34:40,360 --> 00:34:44,040 but it was a semi-independent territory of China's Qing Dynasty. 773 00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:46,320 So "outer" just differentiated it from inner, 774 00:34:46,320 --> 00:34:48,840 which was under more direct Chinese rule. 775 00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:51,160 And then it declared independence in 1912, 776 00:34:51,160 --> 00:34:53,320 and finally became Mongolia again in 1992, 777 00:34:53,320 --> 00:34:55,800 but the very first person to use the phrase Outer Mongolia 778 00:34:55,800 --> 00:34:58,480 to mean a place in the middle of nowhere was the American explorer, 779 00:34:58,480 --> 00:35:01,080 the director of the American Museum of Natural History, 780 00:35:01,080 --> 00:35:03,120 Roy Chapman Andrews, 781 00:35:03,120 --> 00:35:05,640 and he is thought to have been the person on whom 782 00:35:05,640 --> 00:35:07,120 Indiana Jones was modelled. 783 00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:10,440 Yeah, and it was an expedition to Komodo 784 00:35:10,440 --> 00:35:12,400 by the American Natural History Museum, 785 00:35:12,400 --> 00:35:14,040 that eventually led to King Kong. 786 00:35:14,040 --> 00:35:15,920 Yeah. Because they went to Komodo Island 787 00:35:15,920 --> 00:35:18,640 and found these extraordinary things, the Komodo dragons, 788 00:35:18,640 --> 00:35:21,040 and they brought one back to America... 789 00:35:21,040 --> 00:35:23,120 And it was a huge sensation, 790 00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:27,840 but the idea of a creature that was terrorising the locals 791 00:35:27,840 --> 00:35:31,240 then became, you know, the giant ape, 792 00:35:31,240 --> 00:35:33,720 so that was the origin of the King Kong story. 793 00:35:33,720 --> 00:35:36,520 - You should have some points for that, I think. - Yeah. Yeah. 794 00:35:36,520 --> 00:35:39,760 Anyway, Outer Mongolia is now in Mongolia, 795 00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:42,440 while Inner Mongolia is, and always has been, 796 00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:43,480 out of Mongolia. 797 00:35:43,480 --> 00:35:44,800 That's cleared that up. 798 00:35:44,800 --> 00:35:48,240 Name an endangered mammal that eats bamboo. 799 00:35:49,400 --> 00:35:51,400 - Panda! - Panda. 800 00:35:51,400 --> 00:35:54,200 - KLAXON BLARES - Panda! - He-e-ey! 801 00:35:54,200 --> 00:35:57,280 - DESIREE: - Glad you said it! Yeah. - Not so, why? 802 00:35:57,280 --> 00:36:00,680 - Bill, any ideas? - Well, they're not that endangered. 803 00:36:00,680 --> 00:36:03,720 - They're no longer endangered. - No. - Oh, they're all over the place. 804 00:36:03,720 --> 00:36:06,520 - They're vulnerable. - You can't go in any shopping centre in London 805 00:36:06,520 --> 00:36:08,760 without them taking up all the seats. 806 00:36:08,760 --> 00:36:11,600 - Yeah. - Elephants eat bamboo - is there a right answer? 807 00:36:11,600 --> 00:36:13,160 There is, but it isn't panda, 808 00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:15,520 because they are no longer designated as endangered. 809 00:36:15,520 --> 00:36:17,320 - Tree sloths. - It's a golden bamboo... 810 00:36:18,280 --> 00:36:20,240 - ..Eater. - Lemur. 811 00:36:20,240 --> 00:36:23,160 - There, look, how cute is that? - Look at his little face! 812 00:36:23,160 --> 00:36:24,440 Look, cute! 813 00:36:24,440 --> 00:36:25,520 Bird of prey! 814 00:36:25,520 --> 00:36:28,360 - Argh! - HE SCREECHES 815 00:36:29,840 --> 00:36:32,240 "There's only the two of us left now! 816 00:36:32,240 --> 00:36:34,320 "Phone the World Wildlife Fund." 817 00:36:34,320 --> 00:36:37,080 "Stop eating the bamboo! That's why they're upset!" 818 00:36:44,760 --> 00:36:48,200 "We're making the same mistakes again and again and again! 819 00:36:48,200 --> 00:36:50,240 "We need to adapt to new habitats!" 820 00:36:50,240 --> 00:36:53,280 "Shut up, I'm eating all the bamboo before the bird comes back." 821 00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:56,560 I love bamboo. I bloody love it! 822 00:36:57,720 --> 00:36:59,080 You can do so much with it. 823 00:36:59,080 --> 00:37:02,200 You can grill it, you can fry it. You can chop it up and it's good. 824 00:37:02,200 --> 00:37:06,040 You can make scaffolding out of it, for building a lemur house. 825 00:37:06,040 --> 00:37:08,720 It's a very flexible plant - everyone knows that! 826 00:37:08,720 --> 00:37:10,760 You can make a xylophone out of it, for God's sake! 827 00:37:10,760 --> 00:37:12,680 There's loads of it - why are we dying out?! 828 00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:17,320 - We should be thriving. - We're not having enough sex. - No. 829 00:37:18,440 --> 00:37:20,120 It doesn't really look like bamboo. 830 00:37:20,120 --> 00:37:22,080 It looks like he's crimping the end of a joint. 831 00:37:26,560 --> 00:37:28,720 "Yeah, let's crimp it, here we are, that's that. 832 00:37:28,720 --> 00:37:30,520 "Right, OK, come on, everyone." 833 00:37:31,640 --> 00:37:33,400 The Camberwell Carrot. 834 00:37:33,400 --> 00:37:34,800 Yeah! 835 00:37:34,800 --> 00:37:37,400 That's why they're dying out - they're just not doing anything. 836 00:37:38,840 --> 00:37:41,040 Best job ever, I think, in 2014, 837 00:37:41,040 --> 00:37:43,440 China's Giant Panda Protection and Research Centre 838 00:37:43,440 --> 00:37:45,960 started recruiting panda nannies. 839 00:37:45,960 --> 00:37:48,320 - Awww! - Oh, my. 840 00:37:48,320 --> 00:37:51,440 - Oh, my gosh. - You get paid the equivalent of £28,000 a year. 841 00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:53,680 You get free meals, travel, accommodation. 842 00:37:53,680 --> 00:37:56,360 And you get to hug pandas all day. 843 00:37:56,360 --> 00:37:58,400 What are any of us doing with our lives? 844 00:37:59,840 --> 00:38:02,000 Some basic knowledge of pandas is required, 845 00:38:02,000 --> 00:38:04,240 as well as the ability to take pictures. 846 00:38:04,240 --> 00:38:05,920 The work has only one mission, 847 00:38:05,920 --> 00:38:08,120 spending 365 days with the pandas, 848 00:38:08,120 --> 00:38:10,960 and sharing in their joys and sorrows. 849 00:38:10,960 --> 00:38:13,600 Aw. I don't think they have any joy or sorrow though, do they? 850 00:38:13,600 --> 00:38:16,320 - Yeah, what are panda sorrows? - They're just pandas, aren't they? 851 00:38:17,640 --> 00:38:19,480 I like the little one in the middle. 852 00:38:19,480 --> 00:38:21,720 "I may be small, but I'll take any of you. 853 00:38:21,720 --> 00:38:23,360 "I can take on any of you." 854 00:38:23,360 --> 00:38:25,880 - He's a tough one. - They're about to drop that one. 855 00:38:25,880 --> 00:38:27,200 And ready... Go! 856 00:38:29,680 --> 00:38:31,000 Argh! 857 00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:33,560 It would just be the softest crash in the world, though. 858 00:38:33,560 --> 00:38:34,880 This one, this is my favourite. 859 00:38:34,880 --> 00:38:36,360 Yeah, this one. That's the best. 860 00:38:36,360 --> 00:38:37,560 "Show business!" 861 00:38:38,680 --> 00:38:40,360 # There's no business like... # 862 00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:44,280 A panda with jazz hands - you don't see that very often, do you? 863 00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:48,400 Now, how many hills was Rome built on? 864 00:38:48,400 --> 00:38:50,080 - Seven. - Seven! 865 00:38:50,080 --> 00:38:52,720 KLAXON BLARES 866 00:38:54,440 --> 00:38:56,280 Six? Six? Five? 867 00:38:56,280 --> 00:38:58,320 - Five? - Four? Three? - Eight? - Seven and a half. 868 00:38:58,320 --> 00:39:00,600 - Eight. - Eight! - Oh, no, you've done it again! 869 00:39:01,800 --> 00:39:03,200 COLIN SINGS HAPPILY 870 00:39:03,200 --> 00:39:06,240 It's always been known as seven, but it seems to be a misunderstanding. 871 00:39:06,240 --> 00:39:08,760 They used to have a big festival called the Septimontium, 872 00:39:08,760 --> 00:39:11,160 which means "seven hills" - they celebrated the whole thing. 873 00:39:11,160 --> 00:39:14,040 But, actually, when you look at the ancient list of the hills involved 874 00:39:14,040 --> 00:39:16,080 that they are celebrating, there are eight. 875 00:39:17,600 --> 00:39:20,200 And Mary Beard, who's a wonderful classicist, 876 00:39:20,200 --> 00:39:23,920 says, "Something has got confused there somewhere along the line." 877 00:39:23,920 --> 00:39:25,720 There's about 75 cities in the world 878 00:39:25,720 --> 00:39:27,960 that claim to have been built on seven hills. 879 00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:29,520 There are two Romes, two Athens. 880 00:39:29,520 --> 00:39:32,440 There's a Seven Hills in Ohio, which is rather aptly named. 881 00:39:32,440 --> 00:39:34,960 About a quarter of Europe's capital cities claim to be. 882 00:39:34,960 --> 00:39:37,440 Bath, where I grew up, that's supposed to be based on Rome. 883 00:39:37,440 --> 00:39:40,120 - Right. - Cos of seven hills, but, you know. I don't know. 884 00:39:40,120 --> 00:39:41,600 Lisbon's very hilly. 885 00:39:41,600 --> 00:39:42,960 What's that? 886 00:39:44,960 --> 00:39:46,600 They have a funicular railway. 887 00:39:46,600 --> 00:39:48,800 It's like the worst TripAdvisor review. 888 00:39:48,800 --> 00:39:52,480 No, no, on the contrary, it's a very good tip about Lisbon. 889 00:39:52,480 --> 00:39:54,080 It's very hilly - 890 00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:56,640 it's what you need to know more than anything else. 891 00:39:56,640 --> 00:39:58,760 "They said it was hilly on TripAdvisor." 892 00:40:00,080 --> 00:40:02,920 You need to be warned about it - you're absolutely right. 893 00:40:02,920 --> 00:40:05,160 - Edinburgh's hilly. - Yeah. 894 00:40:05,160 --> 00:40:07,280 OK, let's stop doing places that are hilly. 895 00:40:08,280 --> 00:40:11,160 - Dublin's not very hilly. - No. OK, moving on from hilly. 896 00:40:11,160 --> 00:40:12,400 Holland! 897 00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:14,360 Holland's completely flat, no hills at all. 898 00:40:14,360 --> 00:40:16,480 Amsterdam, no, barely an incline. 899 00:40:16,480 --> 00:40:19,560 Nothing at all. No, there's no crime in Holland or Belgium. 900 00:40:19,560 --> 00:40:22,480 - You can see people coming from miles off. - Because you can see everyone! 901 00:40:23,640 --> 00:40:26,320 Denmark is very, very flat, and the area that I come from, 902 00:40:26,320 --> 00:40:28,600 there's a tiny little hill, just one, 903 00:40:28,600 --> 00:40:31,600 - and we call it Little Switzerland. - Oh! 904 00:40:31,600 --> 00:40:33,200 Prague's quite hilly. 905 00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:35,760 Wales. 906 00:40:35,760 --> 00:40:37,120 Scotland. That's really hilly! 907 00:40:37,120 --> 00:40:38,480 Cardiff isn't, though, really. 908 00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:40,720 Do you know, I can imagine you in a home, somehow. 909 00:40:43,400 --> 00:40:46,840 APPLAUSE 910 00:40:46,840 --> 00:40:48,560 Will you come and see me? 911 00:40:48,560 --> 00:40:49,600 Yeah... No. 912 00:40:50,920 --> 00:40:52,440 I'll bring you some mashed banana. 913 00:40:52,440 --> 00:40:54,360 Argentina - that's really hilly. 914 00:40:54,360 --> 00:40:55,760 Shut up! 915 00:40:57,520 --> 00:40:59,560 I'll be in the next bed. 916 00:40:59,560 --> 00:41:01,320 "What was that, Alan?" 917 00:41:02,440 --> 00:41:04,960 Vancouver, but it's not a capital, doesn't count. 918 00:41:04,960 --> 00:41:06,040 Yeah. 919 00:41:06,040 --> 00:41:07,520 - Fiji - is that hilly? - Shut up! 920 00:41:09,680 --> 00:41:11,800 Do you think this is sharp enough to kill somebody? 921 00:41:11,800 --> 00:41:14,760 Yeah, if you have enough intention behind it. 922 00:41:14,760 --> 00:41:16,040 - Yeah. - Oslo. 923 00:41:17,000 --> 00:41:18,760 - Oslo's hilly. - That's true. 924 00:41:18,760 --> 00:41:21,320 They've got a funicular railway, and don't deny it! 925 00:41:23,720 --> 00:41:25,440 That's right. 926 00:41:25,440 --> 00:41:26,640 OK! 927 00:41:28,520 --> 00:41:29,800 On the subject of Rome... 928 00:41:29,800 --> 00:41:31,240 Yes. 929 00:41:31,240 --> 00:41:33,440 THAT is hilly - it's famous for it. 930 00:41:35,160 --> 00:41:37,360 They thought it was seven, but it turns out it's eight. 931 00:41:37,360 --> 00:41:38,560 Eight, we know that. 932 00:41:38,560 --> 00:41:41,400 - COLIN: - Does this qualify as entertainment? - No! 933 00:41:41,400 --> 00:41:42,960 The seven hills... 934 00:41:42,960 --> 00:41:45,440 The seven hills of Rome are actually eight. 935 00:41:45,440 --> 00:41:47,960 There are many other places in the world that are also hilly, 936 00:41:47,960 --> 00:41:50,160 and I can't be arsed to tell you about them. 937 00:41:51,680 --> 00:41:53,840 When I am in the company of men in a group like this, 938 00:41:53,840 --> 00:41:56,080 I feel happy about my life choices. And so... 939 00:41:57,680 --> 00:42:00,120 APPLAUSE 940 00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:08,200 And so, our international odyssey is over, 941 00:42:08,200 --> 00:42:10,320 and it's time to work out what it's cost us. 942 00:42:10,320 --> 00:42:12,520 Let's have a look at the scores. 943 00:42:12,520 --> 00:42:14,920 In last place, we have, with... 944 00:42:14,920 --> 00:42:18,320 Ah, this is magnificent. Minus 57, it's Alan. 945 00:42:18,320 --> 00:42:20,440 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 946 00:42:22,560 --> 00:42:24,840 A very creditable minus 3, Bill. 947 00:42:24,840 --> 00:42:27,880 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 948 00:42:27,880 --> 00:42:30,560 And considering it was her very first show, 949 00:42:30,560 --> 00:42:32,600 she got a full 3 points, Desiree. 950 00:42:32,600 --> 00:42:35,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 951 00:42:36,720 --> 00:42:40,320 Colin, 16 points, you are the winner. 952 00:42:40,320 --> 00:42:42,200 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 953 00:42:48,360 --> 00:42:52,720 # Australians all let us rejoice 954 00:42:52,720 --> 00:42:55,960 # For we are young and free... # 955 00:42:55,960 --> 00:42:58,320 - No, you're not... - Colin... 956 00:42:58,320 --> 00:43:03,320 # Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours... # 957 00:43:03,320 --> 00:43:06,040 And the suburb where they make Neighbours is quite hilly. 958 00:43:10,040 --> 00:43:11,200 Quite hilly. 959 00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:14,320 The winner takes home this week's Objectionable Object, 960 00:43:14,320 --> 00:43:17,480 and it is this lovely souvenir spider. 961 00:43:17,480 --> 00:43:18,720 Awwww! 962 00:43:18,720 --> 00:43:20,880 - There you go. - Aww, no! - There you go. - Oh... 963 00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:24,680 Ow! 964 00:43:24,680 --> 00:43:28,240 It only remains for me to thank Desiree, Bill, Colin and Alan. 965 00:43:28,240 --> 00:43:30,320 And to end this Overseas show, 966 00:43:30,320 --> 00:43:32,640 I leave you with this story about travel. 967 00:43:32,640 --> 00:43:34,120 Muhammad Ali was on a flight, 968 00:43:34,120 --> 00:43:37,000 when a hostess asked him to put on his seat belt. 969 00:43:37,000 --> 00:43:39,720 "Superman don't need no seatbelt," said Ali. 970 00:43:39,720 --> 00:43:42,920 To which she replied, "Superman don't need no plane." 971 00:43:42,920 --> 00:43:44,680 Thank you, goodnight.