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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Hello, and welcome to QI.
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Now, what do vegetarian
goatsuckers eat?
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LAUGHTER
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Right, I thought... Wow.
Can you show that on television?
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I think that's taking
vaping too far.
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Is that a goat bagpipe?
It is a goat bagpipe. Oh.
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He's done something odd to his hair.
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Yeah, his hair, that's
the problem with that picture!
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So vegetarian goatsuckers,
what do they eat?
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He must eat the rest of the goat,
surely,
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before it becomes his instrument?
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It's a vegetarian goatsucker.
So...
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Not goats!
There's no use saying that...
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What's a goatsucker?
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It's a kind of bird, it's an order
of birds called goatsuckers. Oh.
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And they were named because
there was an ancient belief
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that they lived nocturnally, sucking
the milk from the teats of goats,
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which sent them blind. Oh, God!
Oh, I know.
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It feels like a fun-size owl.
Well...
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Like, if you're like,
"Oh, I want to get an owl,
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"but I haven't got the space." Yeah.
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"I'll get one of these."
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They're called oilbirds,
also known as guacharo.
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And they are the only vegetarian
species of goatsuckers.
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Most goatsuckers eat insects,
these oilbirds eat fruit.
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Sorry, you said that like
it's like a huge surprise to us.
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What? We've only just heard
they existed and you went,
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"These are the only ones
that are vegetarians!"
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Well, I've just found out.
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I mean,
I literally couldn't care less.
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LAUGHTER
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And I'm speaking on behalf of
everyone in the room when I say,
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"No, really,
these are the only vegetarian ones?
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"Wow, let's get this down."
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What are you talking about?
You've lost your mind!
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They live in caves in the northern
part of South America.
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Well, no wonder they're vegetarian,
what is there to eat in there?
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Well, the thing about them
is they get so fat
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from the fruit that they eat, that
they become incredibly plump and
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there's an annual oil harvest where
people take the plump babies in
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their thousands, the local people,
and they render them for the oil.
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Because apparently it's excellent
for fuel and also for cooking.
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Do they still suck the goats?
Nobody sucks goats, it's...
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Do you remember when Sandi had
a breakdown on television
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and she was talking
about goatsuckers?
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And then we just gave up.
We asked about three times,
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"What has this goat got to do
with anything?"
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And she just went,
"Oh, it's a bird."
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But then she kept on talking
about goats for ages before,
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but then we just let it go.
People will look back on it as the
tipping point.
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They'll say it was one
show too many,
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and she explained to everyone, "It's
the only vegetarian goatsucker,
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"but it doesn't suck goats, doesn't
even do it."
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And she thought it made sense.
Yeah, yeah.
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It was an ancient belief that
they sucked the teats of goats
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for the milk, but they don't.
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Sometimes in the old days
they got things wrong.
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LAUGHTER
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I'd quite like to live in a cave.
Would you? Why?
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I don't know,
I always like being in a cave.
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LAUGHTER
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Whenever I'm in a cave,
I feel quite relaxed.
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This is the weirdest therapy
session of all time.
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I went into some really big caves
once, and it was great in there.
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LAUGHTER
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I'd say whatever Sandi's
got is catching.
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And do you know what...?
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If my calculations are correct,
I think the wind's blowing that way.
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I don't think Jason's got much hope.
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OK, I've got some
descriptions of perfumes
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and I want you to guess which
celebrity they come from, OK?
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"Focused on the topic
of decisiveness and persistence.
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"Its composition is based
on sophisticated shades of spices,
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"which are blended with citruses
over a masculine, elegant heart
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"and a woody, leathery base."
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# Smell the roses. #
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Is it David Beckham? It is! What?!
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APPLAUSE
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Well done, two to go.
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So it's called Beyond Forever.
I love it. By David Beckham.
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OK, here's the next one.
Ready?
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"The perfect accessory for the
confident man determined to
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"make his mark with passion,
perseverance and drive.
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"For those who aspire to create
their own empire through personal
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"achievement, this dynamic scent
is both compelling
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"and leaves a lasting impression.
Bold notes..."
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ROSS'S BUZZER
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Ross? Is it Rory Bremner?
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Rory could probably do this person,
I would imagine.
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Donald Trump... Yes! Yes!
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
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I'm very, very pleased
to actually have a...
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BUZZER TRUMPS
..a trump sound.
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It's called Empire,
by Donald Trump.
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Right, last one. Ready?
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"Base notes are leather, peat fire,
highland mud, burned rubber
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"and white truffle."
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# Smell the... #
Yes, Nish? Is it Ross?!
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Have you not got your
own perfume in the...?
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I've released many scents.
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But not one that people
would pay for.
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I quite like the idea
of a perfume called Noble Gas.
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LAUGHTER
Oh, yeah.
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OK.
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I'm going to carry on with this one.
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"Heart notes are sharp and tempting
with cigar, heather, fir and rubber.
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"Top notes complete
the fragrance with fresh,
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"spiced notes of bergamot,
black pepper, pine and whisky."
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# Smell it too... #
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David Dickinson?
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I would have to say "creosote"
if it was David Dickinson.
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It's a boy.
Is it George Clooney?
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No, it's the best
name for a perfume ever, I think.
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It is Cumming, by Alan Cumming.
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LAUGHTER
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And there are lots of words
called orphaned negatives.
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So these are words
that have the opposites,
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but nobody uses them,
they are now obsolete.
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So, what would be
the opposite of ineffable?
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Eff... Effable. Effable.
But nobody ever uses it,
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it's a perfectly good word, isn't
it? I've heard people say that.
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Effable - it's not effable? "Oh,
he's got nice trousers on today.
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"He's totally f-able."
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LAUGHTER
It makes sense...
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I mean, that could be acceptable,
in polite company.
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Have you ever played the spoon game?
What's the spoon game?
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The spoon game is, you put a spoon
in your mouth, a bit like that...
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Yeah. Put your head down,
put your head down, it won't hurt.
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Put my what? Your head.
Head down, right.
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And you go like that.
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Right. M-hm? Then... David, you can
get up now. Thank you.
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And then David will put the spoon in
his mouth and I'll put my head down.
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Yeah? And then a third person
behind me will hit me
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with incredible force
with another spoon.
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And it really, really hurts.
Yes!
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So when you come up, you're enraged.
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And then you put the spoon
back in your mouth
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and you really, really
try as hard as you can.
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And then they say, "Right..."
And then the third person goes...
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And it took me three goes
before I thought,
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"Hang on a minute, you're not doing
that with a spoon in your mouth!"
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What worried me
is how compliant David was.
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You had no idea.
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I was just trying to look fun.
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LAUGHTER
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I've known you a long time,
David, it's a new look. Yeah.
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The important thing,
although oestrogen is the primary
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female sex hormone,
of course men have it as well -
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the same as women have testosterone.
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And if men didn't have oestrogen,
what would happen to them?
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It's the light, it's the light.
Everyone is looking at that picture,
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it's the light.
It's not what you think!
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It's just the light.
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Why would you have swimming trunks
made out of silk?
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That's the most... I think those two
women are going,
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"If you could just leave
us two alone...." Yeah.
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So, men have to have oestrogen,
and if they don't have oestrogen,
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what happens to them? Do we know?
They become ladies. No!
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Well, they get a
male menopause is the thing.
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They start putting on weight
and have a diminished libido.
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It's like babies,
when you're breast-feeding them,
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at the beginning, little baby girls
can have periods in the first
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month, because they've
taken your oestrogen.
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I did not know that.
Yeah, that's true...
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Is this the first time you've
ever had that experience? What?
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Not knowing something?
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
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Our perception of sharks
is apparently shaped by footage
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in nature documentaries, which tends
to be accompanied by ominous music.
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So the thing that really
scares you in it is ominous music.
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So here's one with silence.
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Hello, my friend!
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"Aaaah."
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"Am I going to be on TV?"
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Da-da-da-da-da!
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"Aaaaawwwww!"
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"Awwwww."
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LAUGHTER
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Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
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Do you know what?
There's a whole show for you, Alan,
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in just doing fish impersonations.
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We had the trout faking her orgasm
last series.
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We've done that.
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LAUGHTER
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Different orgasm,
same trout.
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Can you do a shark who then
has an orgasm?
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Can you combine...?
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"Aaah."
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"Ah, oooh!"
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Mildly surprised. Yeah.
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Because they don't know
they're going to have an orgasm,
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they haven't learnt about orgasms
or experimented with themselves,
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I imagine. And then when they have
an orgasm the first time,
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it must be very alarming.
My worry is, watching you do them,
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that you haven't seen someone
have one before.
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"Ooooh. Ooh, uh-oh!"
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And then they go... When they do it
for the second or the third time,
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then they're much more,
"Ooooooh, aah, aaah!"
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"Aaaahhh!"
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Is... Is everything OK
at home, Alan?
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What is the point of a tap
in the ocean?
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That's not a real picture.
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LAUGHTER
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It isn't a real picture,
because in Britain
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you'd have two taps
for no reason at all. Yeah.
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00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:09,999
OK, I don't understand this. What?!
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So you have a hot tap and you
have a cold tap, right? Yes.
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Yes, well, how is that? So you're
trying to wash your hands,
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and what happens, you put it under
the hot tap, you think, "Argh!"
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And then you go for the cold tap,
and go, "Argh!"
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"Oh, hoo, hoo, hoo! Argh!"
Yeah.
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How is it the British haven't
discovered there's a mixer tap?!
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What...? It's the only excitement
we get. Oh, is that...?
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Did you find that baffling
when you arrived?
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I still find it baffling. Yeah, no.
And I don't understand radiators.
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Why you want to heat an entire
house with a small hot metal
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plate in the corner. It doesn't
work! What would you do instead?
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We have forced air in Canada,
otherwise you freeze to death.
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What do you have? A forced what?
What?
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Forced air, just the same as
air-con. You know... Forced air-con?
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Yeah. Yeah. I've never heard the
term, I'm 40... Late forties.
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LAUGHTER
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I genuinely didn't
know how old I was then!
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But I've never...
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I'm not going to
bother sitting here working it out,
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00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:03,719
but, I mean, I'm 50 soon and I've
never heard the term "forced air".
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00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:05,120
Well, not in that context.
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I love the fact,
Rhod, that I'm asking you some
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00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:14,239
quite complicated science questions
and you don't know how old you are.
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I'm about 49. You're about 49.
Have you just worked it out?
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00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:18,640
Yeah.
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I'm so used to saying
I'm 50 in a few years.
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00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:24,959
I'm so used to saying that,
that for a moment it stumped me.
235
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:27,879
No, but the thing is, though, it is
quite good to know how old you are,
236
00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:31,319
and the producer has just told me
in my ear, Rhod, that you're 48!
237
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:34,400
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
238
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:46,119
OK, so for this I'm going to ask
Aisling, please, to channel
239
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:48,479
Carol Vorderman for me,
if you wouldn't mind.
240
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:51,159
Oh! So here is a pen.
241
00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:53,559
So you've got to hold it up so that
everybody can see. Yes.
242
00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:55,639
So maybe Alan can help
you with that.
243
00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:58,919
Well, I think I'm all right.
No, no, I mean hold it up
244
00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:01,519
so that the audience
can see what you're writing.
245
00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:03,719
Oh, I see what you mean. Yes.
246
00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:06,359
LAUGHTER
247
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:09,119
AMERICAN ACCENT: Thank God I got
this big strong man with me
248
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:11,920
to help me carry
this heavy old board.
249
00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:16,679
There's a gentleman wearing
a T-shirt that says
250
00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:19,519
"Love Is..." Something.
Any random number, please.
251
00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:22,599
Just a single-digit number. Eight.
252
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:25,239
It wasn't a difficult question.
Eight.
253
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:28,239
Not that many of them. Right, eight.
Write that down, please. OK.
254
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:31,279
Just to warn you, you're going
to write a three-digit number
255
00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:34,159
and there's going to be quite
a lot of numbers. So, eight.
256
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:37,279
Oh, dear God!
257
00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:39,120
LAUGHTER
258
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:45,919
Could you just start again?
OK.
259
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:49,279
That was just me having a gentle
laugh, Sandi. I love it.
260
00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:51,439
There is... Let's go right
up the back,
261
00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:52,759
the first row at the very back.
262
00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:55,359
The blue shirt at the end. Two.
263
00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:58,599
Two. Number two. OK.
OK, there we go.
264
00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:02,679
Oh, squeaky!
Shut up, Debbie McGee!
265
00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:05,679
And let's go over here,
lady with a patterned top. Seven.
266
00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:07,559
Seven. 827. OK. Whoa.
267
00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:11,119
So what I want you to do now
is reverse the digits underneath.
268
00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:13,439
Oh, yes.
269
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:17,679
Oh, but that's always going
to be two in the middle.
270
00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:19,519
Yeah, that's fine, that's fine,
keep going.
271
00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:21,239
That's still an eight.
Put it upside down.
272
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:24,079
It's not really complicated, what
I'm asking you to do. Yes, yes, yes.
273
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:28,760
Could you now subtract the smaller
number from the larger?
274
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:32,319
Right, yeah.
275
00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:35,599
OK, so we're going to do this now.
276
00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:37,519
So we take eight from seven,
277
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:38,919
just not possible,
278
00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:40,959
I think we all know that.
279
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:44,799
OK. Yes, so we're going to do...
Wow!
280
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:48,439
I mean, I'm in the arts, you see,
so... Yeah. It's just...
281
00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:52,079
Nine, nine, nine! What, stop saying
"no" at me in German
282
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:55,959
and tell me what the answer is.
Nine.
283
00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:59,079
Yeah, and then it's going to be...
And then this one comes down here...
284
00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:01,239
It's going to be nine again.
So it's three from nine.
285
00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:03,759
So I need to have three numbers,
so put a zero now, please.
286
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:07,919
So you have three numbers. OK.
Now reverse those digits, please.
287
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:09,719
Zero... Always 9.
288
00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:12,599
..9, 9, and please
could you add them together?
289
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:13,640
Oh...
290
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:18,879
So 18? No.
291
00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:20,200
So, so...
292
00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:23,439
So 9 and zero... Start again.
Oh!
293
00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:25,199
9 and zero is 9. 9.
294
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:27,199
9 and 9 is 8, carry 1. 18.
295
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,239
So the answer is? 1089.
296
00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:31,159
OK, so we've come to 1089.
297
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:33,279
OK, thank you very much.
How exciting.
298
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:35,159
Wow, that was painful.
Really painful.
299
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:37,880
APPLAUSE
300
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:42,399
So, what was the number
that we had? We had 1089.
301
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,239
So, Noel, I'm going
to pass you a copy
302
00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:48,720
of 1,342 QI Facts
To Leave You Flabbergasted.
303
00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:52,479
Noel? Yes? I feel really stressed.
304
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:57,159
Could you, let's see, 1089,
take the tenth word on page 89
305
00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:58,719
and tell me what it is?
306
00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:01,319
Yeah. What is it? French. French.
307
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:05,519
Here is the envelope
that I did earlier.
308
00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:06,999
And there is the word French.
309
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:09,840
APPLAUSE
No! RUSSELL BRAND: That's magic.
310
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:18,359
Number four? Let's have
a quick look.
311
00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:20,719
The horns are the giveaway.
Is it a goat? Goat?
312
00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:22,599
No, much smaller.
Smaller than a goat.
313
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:24,319
Reindeer.
314
00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:26,560
Yes, those famous small reindeer.
315
00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:31,239
Muntjac. No, it's called a dik-dik.
316
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,199
Oh, yeah, yeah. A dick pic?
317
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:36,239
A dik-dik. Not a dick pic.
318
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:39,399
I'd rather get one of those
than a dick pic, to be honest.
319
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,559
Do you know why they're
called dik-dik?
320
00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:43,999
Cos they've got two...
So good they named it twice.
321
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:46,519
Because they've got two what,
darling?
322
00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:47,560
Er...
323
00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:50,919
No, it's just I thought...
324
00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:53,919
Sorry, the rest of the class
want to hear it now.
325
00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:56,039
I sort of... I just...
What was it, Nish?
326
00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:57,799
Well, I was just saying.
327
00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:00,319
It seemed very important that
you wanted to interrupt Sandi.
328
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:01,999
You have to say it.
329
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:05,360
I was just... I was just saying
that maybe they have two dicks.
330
00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:08,680
Yeah, no.
331
00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:13,359
It's the sound they make.
It's a sort of a warning cry.
332
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:14,840
Dick! Dick! Yeah.
333
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:19,240
Dick! Dick!
334
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:24,839
The thing I like about them, they
are incredibly efficient with water.
335
00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:26,759
They have the driest poo
336
00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:29,519
and the most concentrated
urine of any ungulate.
337
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:30,919
Right. Wow.
338
00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:35,239
Well, clearly you've never spent
a night in Wetherspoon's.
339
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:38,520
And an extra point for that,
cos that's true too.
340
00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:46,559
Now, it's time to wrap our presents
in the great QI wrapping race.
341
00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:49,239
OK, so under your respective desks
you're going to find paper
342
00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:51,119
and scissors and tape.
343
00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:53,679
And I would like you to beautifully
wrap the things you've got.
344
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:57,439
So, Romesh, you need to wrap the
game that we've got there for you.
345
00:17:57,440 --> 00:17:59,479
And if you could find
the best way....
346
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:01,719
LAUGHTER
347
00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:03,279
Wrap that for me.
348
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:08,399
And, Alan, if you could wrap yours.
There we are, that's lovely.
349
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:11,599
And what have you guys
got to wrap up?
350
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:12,799
Lovely.
351
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,239
So, what do we reckon?
352
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:16,559
Best way to wrap these things up?
353
00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:18,959
Are you going to say,
"Ready, steady go," or something?
354
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:21,160
Ready, steady, go.
Whoever does it best...
355
00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:35,280
Wow! Jason, that's... Yeah.
356
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:37,679
That looks good.
357
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:40,079
I think I've finished, Sandi.
OK, let me see, let me see.
358
00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:42,319
Alan is the winner, I think,
got there first.
359
00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:45,799
APPLAUSE
360
00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:47,479
OK.
361
00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:51,399
So, awkward items,
what you need is a life-hack, OK,
362
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:52,679
to wrap something awkward.
363
00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:55,919
So I've got here a small American
football and a single piece
364
00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:58,599
of paper, and what you actually do,
and you could have done it with
365
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:02,959
any of your items, is you take your
paper and you fold it like this.
366
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:07,799
And then put some tape down
the middle like this.
367
00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:13,400
And then you need to fold the piece
of paper like this, and fold it in.
368
00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:18,640
And then put some Sellotape
on that, like this.
369
00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:22,000
This is like Blue Peter, isn't it?
370
00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:26,239
It's a really brilliant way
to wrap an awkward thing.
371
00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:29,599
It is basically a bag with
a gusset that you can make
372
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:33,679
out of a single piece of paper
and you make it like that, and you
373
00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:36,839
stick your awkward thing inside and
you have a very neatly wrapped gift.
374
00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:39,279
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
375
00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:41,760
APPLAUSE
376
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:45,719
Here's a collection
of odd-sounding O words,
377
00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:48,639
and I'd like you to pick one
and use it in a sentence, please.
378
00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:50,680
A cum-spliff, what the f...?
379
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,280
"Oh, ja, a cum-spliff.
380
00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:04,479
"Ja, cum-spliff, ja." He doesn't
take long, he doesn't take long at
all. No, no.
381
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:06,719
"Oppenchops, cum-spliff."
382
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:09,999
Are you doing Oojah-cum-spliff?
Yeah... Is that your one?
383
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,479
Cum-spliff...
384
00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:13,159
What is your sentence, please, Alan?
385
00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:14,639
"Oh, ja, a cum-spliff."
386
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:15,680
It's a...
387
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:19,640
It's a Dutchman having
a joint in a brothel.
388
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:26,280
Cum-spliff? I don't want it,
I don't want it.
389
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,639
Get it away from me, man.
390
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:33,600
You'd be no fun in a brothel,
would you?
391
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:38,080
Oh, look at Rom, he doesn't want
the cum-spliff, what a prude!
392
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,159
Oojah-cum-spliff means
all fine and dandy.
393
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:43,200
Yeah, I bet it does.
394
00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:47,999
It's a glimpse of the future. Yeah.
395
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:49,719
Him just talking to his chameleon.
396
00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:52,239
Well, if you've got one, it doesn't
do anything else, does it?
397
00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:54,919
What are you going to do with it?
You can't take it for a walk.
398
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:57,879
Well, it's like the first
ten minutes you have
with your chameleon.
399
00:20:57,880 --> 00:21:00,879
"Barry? Barry! Barry!"
400
00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:02,239
He's there! He's just there.
401
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:04,159
Oh, shit, it's there.
402
00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:09,119
He went on a two-tone suit once
and nearly had a heart attack.
403
00:21:09,120 --> 00:21:12,919
Do you have this on Strictly?
All you want to do is talk about
the foxtrot and people are going,
404
00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:15,799
"Rumba, I want to talk rumba."
No, I never want to talk about
the foxtrot.
405
00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:18,279
No, this is good. What's it like?
I was asked to go on it and I...
406
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:21,159
I wish you would. I said... You
could dance with the pipe, chatting.
407
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:23,879
They said, "Who do you want to...?"
I said "I want to do it in
character."
408
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:26,319
And they said, "Who do you want
to be?" I said, "Abu Hamza."
409
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:27,560
And they said no.
410
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:50,839
Is anybody good at origami?
411
00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:53,519
I did that thing, the only thing
I've done is... Oh, yeah, that one.
412
00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:56,559
That thing where he goes,
pick a number, Josh? Oh... Three.
413
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:57,999
Pick a colour. Red.
414
00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:00,600
Hmm, hmm, hmm, he fancies you.
That's all I've done.
415
00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:03,840
How is it so accurate?
416
00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:09,599
But I've got some
very good ones for you.
417
00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:13,439
So, Josh, you can have... There we
have a little jumping frog.
Oh, a frog. Frog.
418
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:17,919
And, Rich, you have a jack rabbit.
There's a jack rabbit for you.
419
00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:20,639
And, Susan, you've got an elephant.
420
00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:21,879
Oh.
421
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:23,399
And, Alan, what's this?
422
00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:24,880
It's a blue whale.
423
00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:35,520
No, this is a blue whale.
Oh, God.
424
00:22:37,360 --> 00:22:39,959
All these years,
still don't recognise it.
425
00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:41,440
There we are.
426
00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:46,599
The modern hi-tech racing catamarans
have taken this one step further.
427
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:48,519
They don't even have
a floppy sail any more,
428
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:50,599
they have much more like
an aeroplane wing.
429
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:53,399
So if you have a look here, the AC72
catamaran, it has a rigid thing,
430
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:57,079
the same size of
wing as the Boeing 747.
431
00:22:57,080 --> 00:23:00,199
So using the aeroplane technology
and the fact they lift out of water
432
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:04,919
onto hydrofoils, they have speeds of
up to 2.79 times the speed of wind.
433
00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:06,439
So, unbelievably fast.
434
00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:08,720
ALAN BLOWS RASPBERRY
435
00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:12,400
LAUGHTER
436
00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:17,319
Do you know, people often say to me,
437
00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:19,359
"What did Stephen say
to you as he left?"
438
00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:21,999
And the truth is, he shook his head
and went, "You have no idea."
439
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:26,719
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
440
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:29,799
Boats sailing across the wind can
go much faster than the wind itself.
441
00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:32,400
Indeed there is...
Oh, stop going on about the boat!
442
00:23:36,120 --> 00:23:37,240
Come here.
443
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:41,120
They're so awful.
444
00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:46,320
I just... Oh, thank God
you're here. Right.
445
00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:50,600
Can you name a female outlaw?
446
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:53,799
Well, not Jesse James. No.
447
00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:56,280
Bonnie out of Bonnie and Clyde.
448
00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:00,719
Strictly speaking,
449
00:24:00,720 --> 00:24:04,239
there is no such thing as
a female outlaw in British law.
450
00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:07,359
Outlawry is when an
individual was placed outside
451
00:24:07,360 --> 00:24:08,639
the protection of the law.
452
00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:11,479
And females denied protection of
the law were called something else,
453
00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:13,399
they were called waived women.
454
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:15,439
Isn't that awful?
455
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:17,679
So their right to any protection
was said to be waived,
456
00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:19,839
so left out or not regarded.
457
00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:22,999
Can you name a male
outlaw of the Wild West?
458
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:24,839
Of the Wild West? Yeah. Oh.
459
00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:26,879
Billy the Whatsit?
Billy the Whatsit?
460
00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:29,560
Billy the Kid. Yeah. Billy the Kid.
Billy the Kid.
461
00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:34,520
Sundance Kid?
You know, What's-Her-Name.
462
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:41,480
Butch Cassidy?
463
00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:44,799
It could go on and on.
464
00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:47,919
So, again, there were no outlaws as
such in the Old West...
Oh, you amaze me.
465
00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:49,799
..male or female.
466
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:53,559
So in the original meaning,
an outlaw is merely somebody
467
00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:56,279
who's been put outside the law,
so denied its protection. Right.
468
00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:59,880
HE SINGS THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN THEME
That's a fantastic film, isn't it?
469
00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:04,959
So these were,
so none of them were outlaws.
470
00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:07,719
In order to be an outlaw,
you had to be set outside...
471
00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:09,519
LAUGHTER
472
00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:12,439
Are you trying to hum the theme tune
to The Magnificent Seven?
Yeah. Yes.
473
00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:13,879
That's not the theme tune to The...
474
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:16,359
Do you know The Magnificent Seven?
HE SINGS THEME
475
00:25:16,360 --> 00:25:18,800
No, that's Bonanza.
Oh, that's Bonanza!
476
00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:22,999
Oh, I liked Bonanza.
I thought Bonanza was...
477
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:25,079
SHE SINGS NOTES
Bonanza!
478
00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:28,119
GRAYSON PERRY: Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I think that was right.
I think we need...
479
00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:30,159
What's The High Chaparral?
I demand...
480
00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:33,039
BILL BAILEY: That's The Muppets.
Someone Google it.
481
00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:36,959
Does anybody know
the bloody theme tune?
482
00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:41,400
HE SINGS TUNE, ALAN JOINS IN
483
00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:45,200
Come on, everyone.
484
00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:48,439
Anybody join in.
485
00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:50,480
THEY ALL JOIN IN
486
00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:03,359
BILL BAILEY: Oh, no, no,
it's not that.
487
00:26:03,360 --> 00:26:04,840
It's not that!
488
00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:10,520
How many hills was Rome built on?
489
00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:14,120
Seven. Seven.
490
00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:18,719
Six, six, five.
491
00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:20,079
Five. Four, three.
492
00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:21,599
- Eight.
- Seven and a half.
493
00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:25,559
Oh, no, you've done it again!
Yes! Da-da, da-da-da...
494
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:28,439
It's always been known as seven, but
it seems to be a misunderstanding.
495
00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:31,119
In fact, they used to have a big
festival called the Septimontium,
496
00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:34,039
which means seven hills, and they
used to celebrate the whole thing.
497
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:36,639
But, actually, when you look
at the ancient list of the hills
498
00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:40,399
involved that they're celebrating,
there are eight.
499
00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:43,079
And Mary Beard,
who's a wonderful classicist, says,
500
00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:46,799
"Something has got confused there
somewhere along the line."
501
00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:48,879
But there's about 75 cities
in the world that claim
502
00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:50,639
to have been
built on seven hills.
503
00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:52,399
There are two Romes, two Athens.
504
00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:55,199
There's a Seven Hills in Ohio,
which is rather aptly named.
505
00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:57,519
About a quarter of Europe's
capital cities claim to be.
506
00:26:57,520 --> 00:27:00,159
Bath, where I grew up, that's
supposed to be based on Rome. Right.
507
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:02,319
The seven hills, but, you know...
The seven hills.
508
00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:04,799
..I don't know. Lisbon's very hilly.
509
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:07,039
What's that?
510
00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:09,039
They have a funicular railway.
511
00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:12,279
It's like the worst
TripAdvisor review.
512
00:27:12,280 --> 00:27:15,479
No, on the contrary, it's a
very good tip about Lisbon.
513
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:19,279
It's very hilly, it's what you need
to know more than anything else.
514
00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:22,799
"They said it was
hilly on TripAdvisor."
515
00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:25,799
You need to be warned about it,
you're absolutely right.
516
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:27,160
Edinburgh's hilly. Yeah.
517
00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:30,959
OK, let's stop doing
places that are hilly.
518
00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:32,799
Dublin's not very hilly. No. No.
519
00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:34,639
OK, moving on from hilly.
520
00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:36,839
Holland's completely flat,
no hills at all.
521
00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:39,039
Amsterdam, no, barely an incline.
522
00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:40,199
Nothing at all.
523
00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:42,319
No, there's no crime
in Holland or Belgium
524
00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:46,119
cos you can see people coming from
miles off. Cos you can see everyone.
525
00:27:46,120 --> 00:27:48,279
Do you know, I can imagine
you in a home, somehow.
526
00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:52,320
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
527
00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:55,879
Will you come and see me?
528
00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:57,879
Yeah, no.
529
00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:00,679
I'll bring you some mashed banana.
Uh...
530
00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:03,000
Argentina, that's really hilly.
Shut up!
531
00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:07,199
I'll be in the next bed.
532
00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:08,720
What was that, Alan?
533
00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:13,039
Vancouver, but it's not a capital,
don't count. Yeah.
534
00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:15,480
Fiji, is that hilly? Shut up!
535
00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:19,559
Do you think this is sharp
enough to kill somebody?
536
00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:22,079
Yeah, if you have enough
intention behind it.
537
00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:23,320
Yeah. Oslo.
538
00:28:24,360 --> 00:28:25,839
Oslo is hilly.
539
00:28:25,840 --> 00:28:29,040
That's true. They've got a
funicular railway, and don't deny
it.
540
00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:32,639
That's right.
541
00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:34,040
OK. Yeah?
542
00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:39,359
On the subject of Rome... Yes.
543
00:28:39,360 --> 00:28:41,959
That is hilly, it's famous.
That's really hilly.
544
00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:44,319
You thought it was seven,
but it turns out it's eight.
545
00:28:44,320 --> 00:28:45,839
Eight, we know that.
546
00:28:45,840 --> 00:28:49,079
Does this qualify
as entertainment? No.
547
00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:52,599
When I'm in the company
of men in a group like this,
I feel happy about my life choices.
548
00:28:52,600 --> 00:28:53,799
And so...
549
00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:56,240
APPLAUSE
550
00:28:59,920 --> 00:29:03,000
CHEERING