1 00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:25,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:34,240 Good evening and welcome to QI, 3 00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:37,720 where tonight we're going to be rummaging around an assortment 4 00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:41,240 of parts and generally having a right old knees-up, hint-hint. 5 00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:44,680 So park your posterior as we meet tonight's panel. 6 00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:48,560 Joining me are the perfectly profiled Sara Pascoe... 7 00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:50,200 APPLAUSE 8 00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:51,240 Thank you! 9 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:55,640 ..in the pinky, Johnny Vegas... 10 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:57,800 APPLAUSE 11 00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:02,560 ..the very palate-able Ed Balls... 12 00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:05,680 APPLAUSE 13 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:09,360 ..and a part of the furniture, Alan Davies. Hello. 14 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:11,520 APPLAUSE 15 00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:16,880 And let's preview their body parts. 16 00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:18,440 Sara goes... 17 00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:21,000 JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS: ♪ Dancing cheek to cheek. ♪ 18 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:23,120 Oh, nice. Johnny goes... 19 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:25,680 EASY LISTENING MUSIC PLAYS: ♪ You need hands. ♪ 20 00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:26,720 LAUGHTER 21 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:27,760 Ed goes... 22 00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:31,160 ROCK MUSIC PLAYS: ♪ I've got big balls, I've got big balls. ♪ 23 00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:34,640 LAUGHTER 24 00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:36,160 Wow. I think I'm blushing. 25 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:37,400 And... 26 00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:38,680 ..and Alan goes... 27 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:41,520 GLAM ROCK MUSIC PLAYS: ♪ Little Willy, Willy won't go home. ♪ 28 00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:43,320 LAUGHTER 29 00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:45,720 APPLAUSE 30 00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:49,440 Now, here's the thing. There may be a question about a pig, all right? 31 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:52,760 So look out for that, and if you spot it, then you should all... 32 00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:54,760 Have you got pigs? You've all got pigs. Yeah. 33 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:57,160 You shout, "Pig!" and then you get extra pig points, OK? 34 00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:58,240 LAUGHTER 35 00:01:58,240 --> 00:01:59,600 ED OINKS 36 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:02,320 Oh, yours is slightly aggressive, Ed, I think. 37 00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:03,720 LAUGHTER Anyway, so... 38 00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:08,040 What is the most useful organ of the body? 39 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:10,840 I'm going to give you a clue. OK. It begins with a P. 40 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:12,800 LAUGHTER 41 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:13,840 Penis? 42 00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:19,160 KLAXON AND LAUGHTER 43 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:21,640 Can I just say, that picture of that gentleman... 44 00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:24,280 LAUGHTER 45 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:27,040 ..is he wearing something underneath or is that...? 46 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:30,880 Are you going to make us explain the male physique to you? 47 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:32,920 Perineum. Perineum is very good. 48 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:34,280 Is that an organ on its own? 49 00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:35,400 It's an area. Yeah. 50 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:37,560 Just something beginning with P on the body, Pascoe. 51 00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:39,400 How about a paunch? Paunch? A paunch. 52 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:41,280 LAUGHTER How is that useful? 53 00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:44,000 I've always felt a bit sorry for people who've not got a paunch. 54 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:45,520 Yes. Nowhere to put your beer. 55 00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:47,680 If you're reading in bed, you can rest your book. Yes. 56 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:48,760 LAUGHTER 57 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:50,880 And actually, it's really important for dancing. 58 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:51,920 Why? 59 00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:54,400 Er, my dance partner from Strictly, Katya, 60 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:56,600 was on the show this year with a thin person. 61 00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:59,000 Right. And they gave her a very bad back 62 00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:01,160 cos she was always leaning in, trying to find him. 63 00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:03,080 Right. Whereas I was... 64 00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:05,160 Readily available. ..always there. 65 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:06,320 LAUGHTER 66 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,160 At all times, bang! 67 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:09,760 I'm going to give you an extra point. 68 00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:12,000 That's probably why so many professional dancers 69 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:13,760 approach me in nightclubs. 70 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:16,320 LAUGHTER 71 00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:18,960 "If I dance with you, I'll live to be 100." 72 00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:20,360 LAUGHTER 73 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:21,600 I'm sure that's not... 74 00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:24,200 A paunch can so easily lead to crying on your own. 75 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:26,480 LAUGHTER 76 00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:27,880 If not managed properly. 77 00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:29,000 Yes, that's so true. 78 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,320 But, um... 79 00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:32,520 I think you've curated yours very well. 80 00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:35,480 I haven't created it, I've just mismanaged it. Curated, curated. 81 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:38,320 You know when the Woodland Trust will sell you a forest? 82 00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:40,760 Yeah. And then it gets a bit overgrown... 83 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:43,320 LAUGHTER 84 00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:46,800 Right. So what I'm looking for... 85 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:50,320 We've all had one... Oh. ..we don't necessarily have one now, 86 00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:51,400 but we've all had one. 87 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:52,440 Who? 88 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,280 LAUGHTER 89 00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:55,640 It's the placenta. 90 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:58,600 In its time, it has performed the roles of the kidney, of the lungs, 91 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:01,840 of the liver, the guts, the endocrine glands, disposed of waste, 92 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:05,000 it is...of course, it's made by a woman, it is a multi-skilling organ. 93 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:07,840 LAUGHTER AND CHEERING 94 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:11,880 And it's also a superfood. Well... 95 00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:13,600 SARA: It's not scientifically proven... 96 00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:16,480 - No. - ...the whole eating the placenta thing. It's very trendy. 97 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:19,240 The idea is that it's full of protein 98 00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:21,920 cos it's done all these things, but it's waste matter. 99 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:24,760 Do you know who eats placenta in the world? 100 00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:26,440 - Idiots. - Idiots. 101 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:28,360 LAUGHTER 102 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:30,280 Can you combine it with anything else? 103 00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:31,400 Well, yes, you can. 104 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:34,520 There are recipes and I have some advice for preparing a placenta, 105 00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:36,160 if anybody's interested. 106 00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:38,840 Clean it, first by draining all the blood, 107 00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:40,800 then rinsing it until it's pink. 108 00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:43,560 Then you'll have to cut away the umbilical cord and membranes. 109 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:44,720 Once it's prepared, 110 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:47,320 it's no different from something you'd get at the butcher's, 111 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:49,880 so go ahead, roast, steam, saute, flambe, 112 00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:51,600 whatever the culinary winds take you. 113 00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:53,520 Add herbs or garlic, if you like. 114 00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:55,600 So essentially, it's like fish fingers. 115 00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:57,480 LAUGHTER 116 00:04:57,480 --> 00:05:01,080 You don't really often wash the blood off fish fingers. 117 00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:02,160 LAUGHTER 118 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:06,040 I do, but quite often I've fallen over before deciding to cook them. 119 00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:07,360 LAUGHTER 120 00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:11,120 The only tribe that actually routinely eats the placenta 121 00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:12,920 are affluent people in, um... 122 00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:14,200 LAUGHTER 123 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:15,560 ..in the USA. 124 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:17,480 In fact, the Royal College of Midwives 125 00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:19,640 says there is absolutely no evidence 126 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:21,960 that it does you any good whatsoever. 127 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:23,400 So it's total trendy garbage? 128 00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:26,360 Generally, it's a stupid idea. 129 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:29,080 I'd be more concerned... 130 00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:33,120 ..because it's not readily available on the shelves... 131 00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:36,960 Right. ..that if I ate it once and it became the food for me... 132 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:40,560 LAUGHTER 133 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:43,560 Which major chain... Yeah. 134 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:46,120 You know, I don't want to end up in a conversation going, 135 00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:48,720 "I'm not keen on Tesco's." 136 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:51,680 You know, "I don't think theirs has been corn-fed." 137 00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:54,640 LAUGHTER 138 00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:57,600 Where can I get a placenta that had a happy...? 139 00:05:57,600 --> 00:06:00,840 A free-range placenta. Yeah. That's had a happy life. 140 00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:03,720 I'm worried you'll be following heavily pregnant women around 141 00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:05,360 just with your hands out, waiting. 142 00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:08,040 "Have you finished with that? Have you finished with that now?" 143 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:10,120 LAUGHTER 144 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:12,440 Body-builders believe that breastmilk is really, 145 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:14,760 really high in protein and helps you grow muscles, 146 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:17,000 because it helps human babies grow so quickly. 147 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:19,760 There are websites where body-builders buy what 148 00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:22,760 they call liquid gold... Buying breastmilk? 149 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:25,680 Yeah, and women advertise their breastmilk to buy, 150 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:27,760 with a picture of the baby 151 00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:29,440 that they are denying milk to. 152 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:31,680 LAUGHTER 153 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:34,920 And people pay a lot of money for it. 154 00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:37,480 As a body-builder, Johnny, have you, um... 155 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:38,880 LAUGHTER 156 00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:41,000 I'm fortunate, cos I can lactate. 157 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:43,880 Yes, that is definitely possible. 158 00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:46,080 But I did not know that stuff was being sold. Yes. 159 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:47,800 So, the other thing I didn't know about. 160 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:49,400 In France, once the pregnancy's over, 161 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:53,240 the government pays for something called "la reeducation perineale". 162 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:55,800 So it's a physical therapy and it is designed 163 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:59,120 to retrain the pelvic floor muscles, so that all sounds fine. Yeah. 164 00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:04,720 Part of the course involves using an electronic vaginal re-educator. 165 00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:07,680 Now, it measures how hard the particular muscles are working 166 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:10,200 and teaches the mother, you know, to control them. 167 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:13,080 But it can be hooked up to video games, so... 168 00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:15,440 LAUGHTER 169 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:20,640 There was a journalist called Clare Lundberg at Slate and 170 00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:23,520 she wrote, "I played a Pole Position game at my last session" 171 00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:27,200 "and a friend played what I can only call Cooter Pac-Man." 172 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:28,920 LAUGHTER 173 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:31,880 Yeah. I don't think it's a game I want to play in front of my mother, 174 00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:34,720 that's what I'm thinking. LAUGHTER 175 00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:37,400 Womb Raider. 176 00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:40,640 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 177 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:46,280 Now, then. 178 00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:49,600 Which part of the body did Painless Parker specialise in pulling? 179 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:52,240 SCATTERED GIGGLING 180 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:53,680 I'm not saying penis again. 181 00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:56,760 KLAXON AND LAUGHTER 182 00:07:56,760 --> 00:07:59,400 APPLAUSE 183 00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:00,960 Painless Parker, what do you think? 184 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:03,640 He did some pulling. With pulling, it makes you think of teeth. 185 00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:05,560 Yes, you're exactly right. 186 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:10,560 He was America's only ever dentist-cum-ringmaster. 187 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:12,000 Don't you love this? 188 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,480 Yes! Do you think he looks a bit like Stephen Fry? 189 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:16,240 LAUGHTER 190 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:17,680 With no teeth. Yeah. 191 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:21,680 So his very first business plan, a very simple technique - 192 00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:25,600 ply patients with cocaine before pulling their teeth out. 193 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:27,920 Sometimes he would use a tumbler of whisky. 194 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:30,600 But he thought this wasn't enough cos he did about six weeks 195 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:33,360 and he hadn't had a patient and he thought he would promote himself, 196 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:37,360 so he got sort of a horse-drawn flatbed with a dentist's chair on it 197 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:39,920 and he charged 50 cents per extraction 198 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:43,520 and you got given 5 if it hurt, OK? 199 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:47,240 So he wore a top hat and tails and a necklace made of teeth. 200 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:49,480 Eventually, he had a live audience, a brass band, 201 00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:52,080 contortionists and dancing women 202 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:54,280 and he would sometimes enter on an elephant, 203 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:56,640 throwing coins to the ground 204 00:08:56,640 --> 00:09:01,000 and the brass band was there to drown out the cries of the patients. 205 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:04,560 I'm currently involved in a lawsuit because I woke up at my dentist's 206 00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:06,400 wearing clothes that weren't mine. 207 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:08,360 LAUGHTER 208 00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:14,120 I went in as a working-class gentleman and left as a toff 209 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:17,160 and my horse and trap was not to be found. 210 00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:18,960 Do you mind going to the dentist, Ed? 211 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:22,200 I don't mind it, but I worked for many years with Gordon Brown 212 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:24,480 when he was Chancellor of the Exchequer, 213 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,640 who was a very brave, tough guy, 214 00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:29,600 who was totally afraid of needles. 215 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:31,160 But he had lots of dental work, 216 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:34,000 and he had it all done without any anaesthetic, 217 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,200 and he used to come in, having had his teeth done, 218 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:39,560 in the blackest mood you could possibly imagine. 219 00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:40,720 I'm not surprised! 220 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:43,680 It was the one thing he could not blame Tony Blair for at all! 221 00:09:43,680 --> 00:09:46,800 So, ever since then, I just figured whatever the pain, 222 00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:48,600 I'll have an injection. And it's been fine. 223 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:51,360 Yeah. So, before forceps, people used to have their teeth removed 224 00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:54,360 by something called dental pelican. 225 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:56,240 That's what it looks like. 226 00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:58,360 AUDIENCE GROANS It sounded nicer than that. Yeah. 227 00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:00,960 It sounded like a bird. They didn't have a dentist's chair, 228 00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:03,200 so the patient had to sit on a low seat 229 00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:06,880 with their head between the dentist's thighs. 230 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:09,440 But, like, looking upwards at them? Yep, yeah. 231 00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:12,120 LAUGHTER 232 00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:14,640 Didn't people, if they were going on international trips, 233 00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:16,880 like, you were going to be a missionary in Africa, 234 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,600 the only safe way to go was to have all of your teeth pulled out 235 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:20,840 before you went? Yeah. 236 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,640 Because the chances of catching something and it being 237 00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:26,600 deathly were so bad, you'd just have the lot taken out. Yeah. 238 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:28,320 I was in the dentist's the other week, 239 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:32,720 and he explained to me that both his grandparents had their teeth 240 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:36,520 removed for their 21st birthday, as a present. 241 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:38,640 My Nanny Babs was exactly the same. 242 00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:41,680 Her 21st birthday, it's much, much cheaper just to get all your 243 00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:44,200 false teeth put in at once, rather than it kind of going on, 244 00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:46,680 you know it's going to be expensive and an ongoing thing, 245 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,800 so, exactly the same, all of her teeth out. 246 00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:51,520 You don't get any Nanny Babs any more, do you? Marvellous name. 247 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:54,160 There is no more Nanny Babs, actually. Sorry! 248 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:56,800 I'm glad we've paid tribute to her today. 249 00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:59,120 Yes! Old Gummy Babs! 250 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,200 But she wasn't going to be a missionary? 251 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,200 No, she didn't give a shit, mate. 252 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:07,520 LAUGHTER 253 00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:10,600 OK, while we are in the mouth, we're going to try something. 254 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:15,120 So you have plastic discs at your disposal and some blindfolds. 255 00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:17,880 And I want you to put the blindfolds on, please. 256 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:19,080 OK. 257 00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:20,240 There we go. 258 00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:22,400 And I want you to see... 259 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:23,880 We can't! 260 00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:25,640 That's the one thing we can't do. 261 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:28,680 "Put the blindfold on, I want you to see." "What?!" 262 00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:30,680 I want you to experiment with the disc... OK. 263 00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:34,160 ..and see whether your fingers or your tongue 264 00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:38,480 are better at working out the size of the holes in the disc 265 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:39,560 and the shape. 266 00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:45,000 See which you think is actually more adept at working out which is... 267 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,120 TALKING WITH TONGUE OUT: It's the tongue. Sorry? 268 00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:48,760 The tongue. For me, it's the fingers. 269 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:50,880 It's tongue. It's the tongue. No, it's the fingers. 270 00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:52,120 I can feel different edges. 271 00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:53,520 LAUGHTER Can you? 272 00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:56,480 I can get the tongue further in than you think possible, Sara. 273 00:11:56,480 --> 00:12:00,040 LAUGHTER 274 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:02,760 Something I see in a new and more positive light, Alan. 275 00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:04,200 LAUGHTER 276 00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,120 The tongue is much more pliable. 277 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:07,720 It's called the oral size illusion 278 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:10,520 and cos your tongue is much more pliable, it will bend around 279 00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:12,920 different surfaces more easily and it should give you 280 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:15,160 a more accurate picture of what you're looking at. 281 00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:17,680 So when I'm measuring up to put some shelves up, I should... 282 00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:19,120 Yeah. Measure with your tongue. 283 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,600 I should go into B&Q and go, "About that big." 284 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:23,280 LAUGHTER 285 00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:25,320 "I need some screws about that big." 286 00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:28,680 LAUGHTER 287 00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:30,720 Do not... "I do two and a half mil." "I don't know." 288 00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:33,600 LAUGHTER 289 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:35,480 Right, what's interesting to me, Sandi, 290 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:37,800 is that there's three shapes on here. Yeah. 291 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:41,800 I did not successfully identify what they are with either my fingers 292 00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:42,840 or my tongue. Ah. 293 00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:44,560 I knew two of them with my tongue. 294 00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:46,280 You were right, the tongue was better. 295 00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:48,880 Well, you know when you've got a little thing in your mouth 296 00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:50,800 and it seems, feels so much bigger to you... 297 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:53,480 I do know about that, Sandi. I thought they were all the same. 298 00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:56,320 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 299 00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:58,680 Stop making it us! 300 00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:00,520 Stop telling her about everything! 301 00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:02,360 LAUGHTER 302 00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:05,920 So, is that why dogs lick us, to find out what shape we are? 303 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:08,240 "When this one dies, I'll eat it." 304 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:12,240 "This one's delicious." 305 00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:16,360 As a lover, should you always be looking for two alternative shapes? 306 00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:20,000 Cos the semicircle is like a happy mouth. Right. 307 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,920 The other one is like an angry eye. I like that. 308 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:25,960 I like a woman saying to you, "Look for my happy mouth," and then... 309 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:29,440 "No, not the angry eye, not the angry eye!" 310 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:32,200 "The happy mouth!" 311 00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:37,040 So, what are your toes best at identif... Oh, the ground. 312 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:39,160 LAUGHTER 313 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:45,720 Now, how can you tell the time of year using part of a ruddy duck? 314 00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:48,960 There's a beautiful ruddy duck. 315 00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:50,680 Is it actually a thing, a ruddy duck? 316 00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:53,120 It is an actual... I thought it was just rhyming slang. 317 00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:55,080 No, no, no. LAUGHTER 318 00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:57,600 It is a North American bird. It's named after its colour. 319 00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:58,880 Does the beak change colour? 320 00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:02,040 Er, nope, stays that beautiful blue. It's stunning, isn't it? 321 00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:03,200 It starts with a P. OK. 322 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:05,000 Plumage. It's not the plumage. 323 00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:07,280 Tail. Well, it's the... 324 00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:09,040 ..Latin word for tail... 325 00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:10,120 Penis. 326 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:12,240 Penis, finally! LAUGHTER 327 00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:13,680 There we go. 328 00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:16,760 It's got the most enormous penis, but only for... 329 00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:19,040 Oh, well done. There, it's grotesque. 330 00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:21,480 Oh, look at that! I know, it's astonishing. 331 00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:25,240 But it only has it for a very small period each year. 332 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,800 So, can you see at the top in the middle there, 333 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:30,080 you can see that it's being measured out. 334 00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:31,560 It looks unwell, doesn't it? 335 00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:33,000 LAUGHTER 336 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:34,040 So that's the penis 337 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,320 and then the vagina goes, as it were, the other way. 338 00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:38,200 It screws in? Yeah, so they fit together. 339 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:39,480 Does it have to spin its way in? 340 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:40,920 Yeah. LAUGHTER 341 00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:43,960 Take a breath and go around again, take a breath and go around again. 342 00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:48,400 LAUGHTER Oh! 343 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:51,200 Can they choose between them who's going to spin this time? 344 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:54,160 "You spin. You spin, I'm exhausted. I'll go under. You spin." 345 00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:55,920 LAUGHTER 346 00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:58,240 HE SCREAMS 347 00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:00,680 Does the duck lay little screw eggs that's... 348 00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:01,840 HE MAKES WHOOSHING SOUND 349 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:03,520 Yeah. LAUGHTER 350 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:06,520 It only has that long penis exclusively for the mating season. 351 00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:08,560 The rest of the year, it practically has nothing. 352 00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:10,000 It withers back, it's a tiny... 353 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:13,160 So that's the picture on the far... Tiny little stumps. The little one? 354 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:17,160 Yeah. The penis size depends on their social circumstances. Mm. 355 00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:20,400 So males who are kept with females, they grow to full size. 356 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:22,240 If males are kept with other males, 357 00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:26,120 only the dominant male is the one who gets a full-size penis. 358 00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:27,800 It's like duck prison. 359 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:28,840 LAUGHTER 360 00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:31,440 Well, except that other males will get one for four to six weeks, 361 00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:33,600 so it's a bit more like time-share. Right. Yeah. 362 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:34,760 LAUGHTER 363 00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:37,280 So nature does that so that they don't all kill each other. 364 00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:39,320 Yeah. Cos if they were too competitive, 365 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:41,160 so it has a kind of biological hierarchy. 366 00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:42,880 That's exactly right. It's very clear. 367 00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:45,840 But if you are the non-dominant male and you get the big penis, 368 00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:48,120 then you are a target, so what they try and do 369 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:50,240 is they try and grow one, sneak in some sex, 370 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:52,120 then quickly shrink it back again 371 00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:56,160 so that the duck in charge didn't even notice that it had happened. 372 00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:59,280 So I should go back to living in a house share? 373 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:03,200 LAUGHTER 374 00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:06,360 If I live with five other blokes, I might just have that "rurr"... 375 00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:07,480 If you're the alpha male, 376 00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:09,920 so you have to be very careful who you choose to live with. 377 00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:12,040 That's true. I'm not by nature an alpha male, 378 00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:15,520 but I will kill them in their sleep and just enjoy that brief moment. 379 00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:17,760 LAUGHTER 380 00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:20,600 Take some pictures. Yeah. Some selfies. 381 00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:23,960 LAUGHTER "Five guys dead, but look at the..." 382 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:26,920 LAUGHTER 383 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:30,320 There was a TV programme on when I was little called Why Don't You? 384 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:32,520 Yeah. Why Don't You Just Turn Off Your Television Set? 385 00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:34,840 And they once had a thing which you could do at home 386 00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,560 called the dying duck. What was it? 387 00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:40,920 HE QUACKS 388 00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:42,160 HE IMITATES GUNSHOT 389 00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:44,040 HE QUACKS RAPIDLY 390 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:47,160 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 391 00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:49,880 I can remember... 392 00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:53,960 I was five years old and I've been doing that duck ever since. 393 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,120 You were wasted in Parliament. That's fantastic. 394 00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:57,160 LAUGHTER 395 00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:59,320 I can remember hearing that George Osborne 396 00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:01,040 used to find you irritating... 397 00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:02,080 LAUGHTER 398 00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:04,760 ..across the bench because, you know, you'd get on his nerves... 399 00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:07,320 Did you do the duck call? ..and I never knew what you were doing. 400 00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:08,600 I never did the duck call. 401 00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:10,640 Although we did use rhyming slang. Did you? 402 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:14,360 Yeah, there was one time where he did a Budget which he claimed 403 00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:16,440 was a Robin Hood Budget, 404 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:18,800 cos it took from the rich to give to the poor, 405 00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,840 and I said in Parliament, "It's the opposite way around," 406 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:24,120 "he's taking from the poor to give to the rich," 407 00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:26,840 "and he doesn't give a Friar Tuck." 408 00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:29,960 He sat there kind of looking at the Speaker, saying, 409 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:31,840 "Call this out of order!" 410 00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:33,840 Yeah! The Speaker loved it. 411 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:39,200 So there's only one other animal that adjusts its penis size. 412 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:42,040 It's the acorn barnacle, OK? 413 00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:45,200 So, the acorn barnacle, it lives in the intertidal waters 414 00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:47,720 and it can't move and it's stuck on the sea rocks, 415 00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:50,480 but it still has to get its penis to its neighbours, 416 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:51,800 it's a hermaphrodite. 417 00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:54,800 And it grows the penis for the mating season every autumn 418 00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:57,160 and then it throws it away the next time it moults, 419 00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,080 and the length of the penis depends entirely 420 00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:00,920 on how close you are to the neighbours, 421 00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:03,800 and then the type of penis you grow depends on the water. 422 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:07,400 So, if choppy waters, you want it to be a little bit more muscular, 423 00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:11,040 and in calm waters, bit longer, bit more flexible. 424 00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:12,600 I'm still processing that you said 425 00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:15,320 he throws it away when he's finished with it. Yeah. 426 00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,720 Yeah, they moult. Is there some other sea creature going, 427 00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:19,440 "You'll never guess what I've found"? 428 00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:21,520 LAUGHTER 429 00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:23,240 "I thought you were coming out with me." 430 00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:25,000 "Nah, I'm going straight home." 431 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:27,720 LAUGHTER 432 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:30,240 Does it definitely always grow back? Yes. 433 00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:31,600 Is it like a Christmas tree, 434 00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:34,280 where you've got to wait for the council to come and get it? 435 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:37,720 Is there some kind of tiny undersea... Mound? 436 00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:40,800 ..organised thing that comes and collects them and says, 437 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:43,000 "Please don't leave them out the front of your house"? 438 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:47,080 When you get in with your penis, there will be a collection day... 439 00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:51,000 Yes. Which of your bins do you put your penis in? 440 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,960 I don't think it's recycling, 441 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,160 I don't think anyone wants it afterwards. 442 00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:56,640 Well, it's organic. 443 00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:59,200 ED: It depends upon your local authority. That's true. 444 00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:01,000 It's not like jellyfish. 445 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,760 You're not going to get a warning in Wales - 446 00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:05,600 "Don't go in the water, it's full of tiny penises." 447 00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:08,480 Or maybe you do! 448 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:11,080 It has the longest penis in relation to body length 449 00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:13,520 of any animal in the world. SARA: Yes. the whole of nature. 450 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:18,960 ED: Are female ruddy ducks generally more contented? 451 00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:21,800 Yeah, other ducks from other breeds fancy them. 452 00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:23,840 It's part of sperm competition. 453 00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:25,840 Having really strong sperm matters, 454 00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:28,920 so birds started evolving labyrinthine vaginas 455 00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:31,120 which meant that sperm would have to travel further, 456 00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:33,240 which means it would be the strongest sperm 457 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:34,680 that would impregnate the duck, 458 00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:37,520 and then penises started getting longer and windier 459 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:41,000 so the sperm would have less to travel, so it's kind of... 460 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:42,960 Is that the video game you've been playing? 461 00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:44,400 LAUGHTER 462 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:46,840 This entire time, yeah. 463 00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:47,880 Nobody can tell. 464 00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:50,280 We're both playing video games while we're sitting here. 465 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:51,880 LAUGHTER 466 00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:55,240 Whoa! Score. Um... 467 00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:59,600 Right. Whose internal parts are most like yours? 468 00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:03,400 Oh! 469 00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:05,280 Playing the pig? Playing the pig? Yep. 470 00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:06,360 ♪ Little Willy. ♪ 471 00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:07,920 Yes, you're absolutely right. 472 00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:09,120 This is a very odd thing, 473 00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:11,400 but between the lips and the anus, basically, 474 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:15,880 there is very little difference between a pig and a human. 475 00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:18,760 Yeah. So we're both generalists when it comes to eating, 476 00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:21,920 we have evolved to eat nuts, roots... Anything, yeah. 477 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:24,360 ..meat, fat. Pretty much anything at all. 478 00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:26,600 In fact... HE SNORTS AND OINKS 479 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:29,840 LAUGHTER 480 00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:33,520 HE OINKS 481 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:36,120 LAUGHTER 482 00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:40,240 LAUGHTER 483 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:42,480 I wanted to be a puppeteer all my life. 484 00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:43,960 LAUGHTER 485 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:47,120 That looked like a cheaper version of Alien then. 486 00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:49,400 LAUGHTER 487 00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:50,640 Ahhhhh! 488 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:51,960 Oh, my God, Davies! 489 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,720 LAUGHTER 490 00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:57,960 APPLAUSE 491 00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:00,960 Don't shake your head! I'm sorry, I was just thinking, if this was... 492 00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,280 ..if this was school, you'd get told off, 493 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:05,920 but they let you do it on television. I know. 494 00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:07,360 Grow up and you do what you like. 495 00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:09,440 So some people, cannibals... 496 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:12,520 That's why they called us long pigs because human meats taste like... 497 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:14,360 Yeah, apparently, we taste a bit like pork 498 00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,680 and it's because we eat roughly the same sorts of things. 499 00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:18,840 We have the same sort of construction in our mouth, 500 00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:21,560 we have incisors, canines and molars, we have a single stomach, 501 00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:24,680 we have a colon that tries to extract all the water it can 502 00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:27,520 from whatever we eat. Also, before they had synthetic insulin, 503 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:29,920 they used pig's insulin for people who were diabetic. 504 00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:31,400 Yeah, they've used lots of things. 505 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:34,360 They've used pig valves in operations and so on. 506 00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:39,280 But it's not the best model of the human immune system. 507 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:42,320 I think the best model is actually a mouse, 508 00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:46,480 because they are, I think, a better model of humans 509 00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:48,040 than primates, for example. 510 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,680 So, if you're going to test for drug reactions, 511 00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:52,800 you're much better off using mice. Yeah, yeah. 512 00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:55,480 But I do believe that two chimpanzees are better... 513 00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:58,320 LAUGHTER 514 00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:01,880 ..two chimpanzees are better at moving a piano. 515 00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:04,840 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 516 00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:08,160 Here's the bit I did not know... 517 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,040 We've lost Alan. LAUGHTER 518 00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:12,840 We've lost Alan. He's having the best day of his life! 519 00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:15,400 The thing I did not know is that pigs also suffer 520 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:17,600 from the same genetic and protein malfunctions 521 00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:19,360 that account for lots of human diseases, 522 00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:21,560 so they get Alzheimer's and they get Parkinson's. 523 00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:22,960 How do they identify that? 524 00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:25,600 Does the pig start putting the car keys in the fridge? 525 00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:28,000 LAUGHTER 526 00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:30,600 Going to the trough and going, "What have I come here for?" 527 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:33,080 LAUGHTER 528 00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:34,560 Between the mouth and the anus, 529 00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:36,800 you're more like a pig than anything else. 530 00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:38,520 Pigs away, please. 531 00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:40,360 IN HIGH PITCHED VOICE: Bye, everyone. Bye. 532 00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:42,200 LAUGHTER Argh! 533 00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:44,760 Right, can you spot the personality in this picture? 534 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:50,600 Oh! You look like you're constipated. I do! Cockroaches? 535 00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:54,080 They are cockroaches. And they're around Alan. Yes. 536 00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:56,360 I want you to spot the personality in this picture. 537 00:22:56,360 --> 00:22:59,120 The personality? The personality? Yeah. 538 00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:04,160 So, in biology, a personality is a set of behavioural differences 539 00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:08,000 between individuals in a group, that stays consistent over time. 540 00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:11,800 So, for example, researchers at Universite libre de Bruxelles, 541 00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:13,840 they studied cockroaches. Mm-hm. 542 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:16,600 And they found they had two basic personality types. 543 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:18,400 Half of them are shy and cautious, 544 00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:21,360 and the other half are bold and explorers. 545 00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:25,360 Humans, however - really complicated, really unpredictable 546 00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:28,680 and change how they behave, their traits, over their lifetime. 547 00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:34,200 So, in a biological respect, humans have no personality whatsoever. 548 00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:36,560 That's absolutely true, because we're plastic, 549 00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:38,840 we respond to environment and each other all the time. 550 00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:41,240 So, we don't have what's called a personality. 551 00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:43,400 Bees have a personality, they can either be flighty, 552 00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:46,520 so they never settle down, or they are very diligent, 553 00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:48,160 so they are one of two things. 554 00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:50,280 Hermit crabs can be bold or they can be shy. 555 00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:52,520 Even fruit flies have different personalities. 556 00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:54,200 Doesn't this just show that 557 00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:56,840 the biologists don't know what the word personality means? 558 00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:58,560 If you look in philosophy 559 00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:01,480 and, say, Wittgensteinian stuff about language, 560 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:05,080 he would say you can only be a person if you have language, 561 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:08,840 which means you can talk and reflect upon what you have said. Yeah. 562 00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:10,080 Which means that only humans 563 00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:12,160 can have a personality, and an animal never could, 564 00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:14,200 because they don't have that language capacity. 565 00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:15,680 That seems to make much more sense. 566 00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:17,560 But if a personality is something completely 567 00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:20,160 definable and predictable, and that's what we're looking for. 568 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,560 Yeah, so, like a horoscope always has a balanced sentence, 569 00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:25,440 it goes, "You're a quiet person, but you sometimes like to go out." 570 00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:28,400 So, this is not the anthropomorphic kind of personality, 571 00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:30,480 as we take the word, it's a kind of behaviour 572 00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:33,560 that is then replicated by all of the rest of the... 573 00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:37,400 Cos Johnny is, as far as I can see, entirely unpredictable... 574 00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:38,920 LAUGHTER 575 00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:41,960 ..and has kind of no discernible, consistent, 576 00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:45,280 predictable traits through time, and that makes him a big personality. 577 00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:48,200 Yes, but I think we're not using the word in the biological sense. 578 00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:50,440 I know, but it's ridiculous. 579 00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:53,920 There are some consistent things. Like the drinking. 580 00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:55,240 Yeah, that's consistent. 581 00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:57,960 LAUGHTER 582 00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:02,400 This is Sara's glass of wine, by the way... 583 00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:03,440 Shut up! 584 00:25:04,680 --> 00:25:08,640 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You dropped me in! 585 00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:10,240 You dropped me in! 586 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:12,840 There were two cardiologists in the 1950s, 587 00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:14,440 Meyer Friedman and Ray Rosenman, 588 00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:16,840 and they divided human beings into type A and type B, 589 00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:18,280 you might have heard of this... 590 00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:20,880 Honest people whose lives haven't gone to plan, 591 00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:22,640 and liars. 592 00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:25,640 LAUGHTER 593 00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:30,640 So, a type A, competitive, highly organised, ambitious, 594 00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:32,320 impatient, that kind of thing, 595 00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:34,440 and type B personalities are much more relaxed. 596 00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:37,000 And part of the reason why this theory became so popular 597 00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:39,520 is a lot of the research was funded by cigarette companies, 598 00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:42,400 who wanted to prove that it wasn't cigarettes that were causing 599 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,720 heart attacks, it was people who were of a type A personality, 600 00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:47,640 that in fact there was no link at all. 601 00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:50,040 Now, you mentioned astrology, that's another way in which 602 00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:52,240 human beings try to sort of divide themselves up. 603 00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:55,440 So, you'd say, "I'm just like this, so I'm a Taurean." 604 00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:59,720 So, let's have a look. Sara, what... I'm a Gemini. 605 00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:01,880 KLAXON 606 00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:05,960 OK, did you mean, like, my rising? 607 00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:09,360 No, no. Johnny, what star sign are you? 608 00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:11,080 Oh, er, Virgo. 609 00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:12,520 KLAXON 610 00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:14,120 Johnny Virgo! 611 00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:17,640 OK. What are you, Ed? 612 00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:19,360 I'm a Pisces. Pisces? 613 00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:22,960 Oh! OK. And what are you, Alan? 614 00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:25,840 Well, now, I think I know what's going on here. Oh! Ooh! 615 00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:28,520 Thank God somebody does! Yeah! 616 00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:32,040 Because all the stars and the alignment of where a planet is 617 00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:35,240 were set by astrologers a long time ago, but actually, 618 00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:36,720 everything's moved a little bit, 619 00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:39,520 so you think if you're born at that time of the year that you're 620 00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:41,640 born under those stars, but you're not. 621 00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:43,600 The modern star signs are all based on those of 622 00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:45,960 ancient Babylon, and the night sky has completely moved. 623 00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:48,880 It turns out I'm not a Taurean at all, I'm actually an Aries. 624 00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:50,840 Can I borrow that phrase? Yes. 625 00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:54,000 If I chat to somebody in the pub and she says, "What's your star sign?" 626 00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:56,880 Can I say, "You're just talking absolute Babylon"? 627 00:26:56,880 --> 00:27:00,680 You absolutely can. You're actually a Leo, in case you wanted to know. 628 00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:02,520 I'm really not. 629 00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:05,720 So, that means I'm a Taurus? So, you, Sara, are actually a Taurus. 630 00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:08,320 And Alan, you were actually born under Aquarius. 631 00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:10,240 Oh, cool. And what am I? 632 00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:12,800 I think we got the date of your birth entirely wrong, so... 633 00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:15,120 LAUGHTER 634 00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:18,960 We might have gone into Wikipedia... KLAXON 635 00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:21,000 APPLAUSE 636 00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:25,040 Didn't get that one before. That's so good! 637 00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:28,640 So, in Japan, there is even a word for playground bullying 638 00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:32,000 based on blood type stereotype, and it's called bura-hara, 639 00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:33,840 and it means blood harassment. 640 00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:36,640 There's also an Oxford philosopher called Parfitt, 641 00:27:36,640 --> 00:27:39,120 who wrote a book called Reasons and Persons, 642 00:27:39,120 --> 00:27:42,880 and what he said was that who we are as a person changes through time, 643 00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:47,360 so that your personhood is a succession of past and future selves 644 00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:51,000 so your different from yourself aged 20 and yourself aged 60, 645 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:53,560 but you can only be a person if you have that sense of self 646 00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:56,200 which evolves through time. They did a study, 647 00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:59,880 and it was this thing of going, for a certain amount of your life, 648 00:27:59,880 --> 00:28:02,280 you're stuck in a certain time period, 649 00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:05,480 and they actually worked it out, they brought it down to 28. 650 00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:09,880 Like, 28 is the age that apparently you feel that you've become, 651 00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:11,440 you know... A human being. 652 00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:15,200 ..a fully rounded person, you're not looking constantly... 653 00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:19,920 ..for acceptance from anybody else. 654 00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:23,920 And then you stay in that age... Until when? ..within your head. 655 00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:26,080 Well, until I was told this advice, 656 00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:28,120 and I was being pulled out of a river. 657 00:28:28,120 --> 00:28:30,040 LAUGHTER 658 00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:33,240 It was a fascinating conversation in the back of the ambulance. 659 00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:39,480 And I realised I wasn't a pole vaulter. 660 00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:43,480 I pole vaulted for Nottinghamshire Under 15s. 661 00:28:43,480 --> 00:28:45,400 Did you really? Mmm. 662 00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:47,800 What on earth did they... Under 15 pole vault, 663 00:28:47,800 --> 00:28:50,080 Leicestershire, Nottinghamshire and Derbyshire. 664 00:28:50,080 --> 00:28:52,800 Because I went to the county trials, only three of us turned up 665 00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:55,000 and only two of us got over the qualifying height. 666 00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:57,080 Straight in the team! 667 00:28:57,080 --> 00:28:59,640 It turned out the under-18 high jumpers 668 00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:01,920 were going over a higher height, WITHOUT a pole... 669 00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:07,680 ..than with a pole at 15. Didn't matter. County pole vaulter. 670 00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:08,880 SARA: Ed, Ed! 671 00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:10,800 Can I have the film rights to this? 672 00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:12,440 ED: What was this segment about? 673 00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:14,360 Don't worry about it. 674 00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:17,720 There are two types in this world, those with the personality of 675 00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:21,320 a cockroach and those with no personality at all. 676 00:29:21,320 --> 00:29:23,440 Now, from parts to parties. 677 00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:27,320 How can children's parties cause you to age prematurely? 678 00:29:27,320 --> 00:29:29,360 LAUGHTER 679 00:29:29,360 --> 00:29:30,920 Speaking as a parent... Yeah. 680 00:29:30,920 --> 00:29:36,120 ..the amount of carrot batons that you eat at a children's party, 681 00:29:36,120 --> 00:29:38,160 cos they won't touch them for love nor money, 682 00:29:38,160 --> 00:29:40,520 and there are always bowls of them and it's inexplicable - 683 00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:43,200 just put Smarties out. Yes. They don't want carrot batons. 684 00:29:43,200 --> 00:29:44,480 LAUGHTER 685 00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:45,920 Do they age you? 686 00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:49,440 Er, yes, but it isn't the adults that we are worrying about. 687 00:29:49,440 --> 00:29:51,520 So, it's the children, not the adults? Yeah. 688 00:29:51,520 --> 00:29:52,640 It is the sweetest thing. 689 00:29:52,640 --> 00:29:55,040 At the age of about four or five, 690 00:29:55,040 --> 00:29:58,600 lots of children think that it is the birthday party 691 00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:00,120 that makes you older. 692 00:30:00,120 --> 00:30:03,520 The party is the thing that causes them to age. Aww. 693 00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:05,560 Isn't that the sweetest thing? It is sweet. 694 00:30:05,560 --> 00:30:07,600 So some researchers in Israel asked children, 695 00:30:07,600 --> 00:30:10,000 they said there was a child celebrating their birthday 696 00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:12,480 after one year, and then they celebrated after two years, 697 00:30:12,480 --> 00:30:13,640 but in their third year, 698 00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:15,880 their mother was not well and they didn't have a party, 699 00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:17,000 how old is the child? 700 00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:18,800 And 80% of the children aged four 701 00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:23,320 thought the child was still two because they hadn't had a party. 702 00:30:23,320 --> 00:30:26,160 My niece has just turned four and she's actually... 703 00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:28,520 She's put things together in a different way. 704 00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:30,680 She asked me, "Are you coming to my birthday party?" 705 00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:32,040 I said, "Yes." And she went... 706 00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:34,240 SHE WHISPERS: .."Father Christmas will be coming." 707 00:30:34,240 --> 00:30:36,080 LAUGHTER 708 00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:39,040 What are the dangers of blowing out the candles on a birthday cake? 709 00:30:39,040 --> 00:30:42,960 Oh, God, all of the...spit. Yes. 710 00:30:42,960 --> 00:30:45,000 And the older you get, the more you blow, 711 00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:47,600 the more germs that are left on the cake. 712 00:30:47,600 --> 00:30:49,920 They have invented this thing for older people, 713 00:30:49,920 --> 00:30:52,720 who still want to celebrate their party but do not want to eat 714 00:30:52,720 --> 00:30:55,200 the cake after they have dribbled on it... 715 00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:57,680 So, they have invented this plastic sheeting you can put 716 00:30:57,680 --> 00:31:00,760 underneath the candles, you put the candles on, then they... 717 00:31:00,760 --> 00:31:02,680 SHE BLOWS RASPBERRY 718 00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:04,880 Thanks, Nanny Babs. You know I don't want any! 719 00:31:04,880 --> 00:31:09,120 - And then you take the plastic off... - It's absolutely right, it's a birthday cake cover. 720 00:31:09,120 --> 00:31:12,280 There it is. You can increase the level of bacteria 721 00:31:12,280 --> 00:31:14,600 by an average of 1,400 percent. 722 00:31:14,600 --> 00:31:19,240 - Oh, come on! - Yes, no, no. - Isn't this the equivalent of children playing in the mud in the garden? 723 00:31:19,240 --> 00:31:22,240 That part of developing their young immune systems is to... 724 00:31:22,240 --> 00:31:25,560 - Spit on their cake! - ..for their bodies to deal with all that stuff... 725 00:31:25,560 --> 00:31:27,680 There is nothing wrong with the bacteria, darling. 726 00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:32,080 - It's all the perfectly harmless stuff that is in your mouth. You've got to process it. - That's true. 727 00:31:32,080 --> 00:31:36,200 Now, let's head to foreign parts. Can you tell me what's wrong with this boat? 728 00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:37,720 Well, it's not in the water. 729 00:31:37,720 --> 00:31:40,400 LAUGHTER 730 00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:43,120 It's not boat-shaped. It's not boat shaped is exactly right. 731 00:31:43,120 --> 00:31:47,200 It is called a popovka and they were circular battleships. 732 00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:50,400 Only two were ever made, in Russia in the late-19th century. 733 00:31:50,400 --> 00:31:53,640 So there was a Russian Vice Admiral called Andrei Popov 734 00:31:53,640 --> 00:31:56,520 and he thought it was a marvellous idea to have a round ship 735 00:31:56,520 --> 00:31:59,560 because it could deflect shells, it would require less armour, 736 00:31:59,560 --> 00:32:03,080 and he got the idea from a Scottish shipbuilder called John Elder. 737 00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:04,720 And he thought that circular hulls 738 00:32:04,720 --> 00:32:07,480 would offer greater level of displacement of the water, 739 00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:09,800 so you could have a greater ratio of guns and so on. 740 00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:13,360 So why did it not work? What do you suppose was the reason? 741 00:32:13,360 --> 00:32:16,080 Did it go round in circles? It just went round in circles! 742 00:32:16,080 --> 00:32:18,400 So, the minute you fire a gun, the boat went... 743 00:32:18,400 --> 00:32:19,640 "Whoaa!" 744 00:32:19,640 --> 00:32:22,800 LAUGHTER 745 00:32:22,800 --> 00:32:25,160 So you had to fire in all directions equally? 746 00:32:25,160 --> 00:32:27,960 Yes, you'd have to fire at everything all at the same time. 747 00:32:27,960 --> 00:32:30,680 So therefore, if you're totally surrounded, it's really useful. 748 00:32:30,680 --> 00:32:32,920 Yeah, you'd have to be right in the middle of the enemy. 749 00:32:32,920 --> 00:32:35,560 But if you've got your guys behind you, they're screwed. 750 00:32:35,560 --> 00:32:37,600 One of them was called the Novgorod 751 00:32:37,600 --> 00:32:40,960 and it got stuck in an eddy in the River Dnieper 752 00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:44,400 and spun round and round, making everybody incredibly sick, 753 00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:47,120 before it was swept out to sea. LAUGHTER 754 00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:49,720 That's the thing. The whole thing with naval stuff is kind of 755 00:32:49,720 --> 00:32:52,400 the starboard, the directions, you don't have that either. 756 00:32:52,400 --> 00:32:54,320 Yeah, and the other thing is heat as well, 757 00:32:54,320 --> 00:32:56,920 because it concentrated all the heat inwards. 758 00:32:56,920 --> 00:32:59,160 It made the decks incredibly hot. 759 00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:01,040 There was so much water resistance, 760 00:33:01,040 --> 00:33:03,280 cos it's not cutting through the water, 761 00:33:03,280 --> 00:33:05,840 that they could hardly make any speed at all. 762 00:33:05,840 --> 00:33:09,080 So, for the Russia-Turkish War 1877-1878, 763 00:33:09,080 --> 00:33:10,720 the ships were anchored on the shore 764 00:33:10,720 --> 00:33:12,400 in order to not make them spin round. 765 00:33:12,400 --> 00:33:14,360 What they should have done was twin hulls. 766 00:33:14,360 --> 00:33:16,120 You could have a circular top. 767 00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:18,520 Yes, you could. As long as you... You need a catamaran... 768 00:33:18,520 --> 00:33:20,360 Yeah, with a catamaran thing underneath. 769 00:33:20,360 --> 00:33:23,600 You're absolutely right. I've got a degree in marine engineering. 770 00:33:23,600 --> 00:33:25,680 It's too late to try and impress me, Alan. 771 00:33:25,680 --> 00:33:27,480 LAUGHTER 772 00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:30,280 If your penis is not growing seasonally, she's not interested. 773 00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:32,120 LAUGHTER 774 00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:34,480 lots of ships have what's called a bulbous bow, 775 00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:37,920 so that's the sort of bulbous bit at the front of the keel. There it is. 776 00:33:37,920 --> 00:33:41,600 What do you think that does? What is the purpose of that? 777 00:33:41,600 --> 00:33:43,720 It's a penis. 778 00:33:43,720 --> 00:33:46,080 LAUGHTER 779 00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:50,240 KLAXON AND APPLAUSE 780 00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:58,160 I think it's for breaking icebergs. 781 00:33:58,160 --> 00:34:00,920 No, it's a really clever piece of physics. 782 00:34:00,920 --> 00:34:04,280 So normally the protruding bit is underneath the waterline and 783 00:34:04,280 --> 00:34:06,160 what happens is 784 00:34:06,160 --> 00:34:09,880 it creates its own wave and the actual bow creates a wave and 785 00:34:09,880 --> 00:34:13,280 they are in different phases, and they cancel each other out. 786 00:34:13,280 --> 00:34:17,880 - Wow. - So, it basically stops the wave at the front from slowing the ship down. 787 00:34:17,880 --> 00:34:22,040 That's amazing. This is what you mean about human beings not having a defined personality. 788 00:34:22,040 --> 00:34:25,400 - You can have some people going, "wouldn't it be great if a boat was round?". - Yeah. 789 00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:27,800 And other people going, "Or, we can just work with physics." 790 00:34:27,800 --> 00:34:29,800 And make it much easier to go through the water." 791 00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:34,200 But I love that because it's really straightforward and simple. 792 00:34:34,200 --> 00:34:38,320 - Yeah. - And you wouldn't know from looking at it unless you understood water and physics. - Yeah... 793 00:34:38,320 --> 00:34:41,600 It should have a window in it and you should be able to sit in there. 794 00:34:41,600 --> 00:34:43,360 LAUGHTER 795 00:34:44,520 --> 00:34:47,840 The Popovka, one of the world's least ship-shaped ships, 796 00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:50,760 which brings us around again to the perilous part of the show 797 00:34:50,760 --> 00:34:53,840 that we call General Ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, please. 798 00:34:53,840 --> 00:34:56,640 Can you name a body part that babies are born without? 799 00:34:57,800 --> 00:34:59,920 ♪ Hands. ♪ Yes? 800 00:34:59,920 --> 00:35:00,960 Remorse. 801 00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:03,080 LAUGHTER 802 00:35:03,080 --> 00:35:05,360 APPLAUSE 803 00:35:08,400 --> 00:35:09,840 Fair enough. Body part. 804 00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:11,160 I'm looking for a body part. 805 00:35:11,160 --> 00:35:13,960 Teeth. Yeah, it is their permanent teeth. 806 00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:16,400 A lot of people think that they are born without kneecaps, 807 00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:17,680 that is not the case. 808 00:35:17,680 --> 00:35:20,320 I've never... That's not a thing that people think, do they? 809 00:35:20,320 --> 00:35:22,120 Yeah, cos they don't show up on X-rays. 810 00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:24,000 What? They've got invisible knees? 811 00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:26,680 They're made of cartilage. Up until about three to five... 812 00:35:26,680 --> 00:35:29,360 So there you are. You can see that you cannot see, as it were. 813 00:35:29,360 --> 00:35:31,560 I can smell that nappy from here. I just know... 814 00:35:31,560 --> 00:35:33,040 LAUGHTER 815 00:35:33,040 --> 00:35:35,960 It's not until you're 10 or 12 that you have a firm kneecap 816 00:35:35,960 --> 00:35:37,760 and that's why it doesn't hurt so much 817 00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:40,600 when you fall when you're younger because it is sort of cushioned. 818 00:35:40,600 --> 00:35:42,440 I see! That's amazing. Ooh! 819 00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:44,720 In fact, the human foetus, when it's in the womb, 820 00:35:44,720 --> 00:35:47,720 it's almost all cartilage, it's a bit like a sort of giant ear. 821 00:35:47,720 --> 00:35:50,280 When I was in Australia once, in the Northern Territory, 822 00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:54,640 a very stupid man got eaten by a crocodile 823 00:35:54,640 --> 00:35:57,160 and when they killed the crocodile to get his body back, 824 00:35:57,160 --> 00:36:00,760 because he'd been partially digested and one of the first things they digest is calcium, 825 00:36:00,760 --> 00:36:02,840 his bones were all rubbery... 826 00:36:02,840 --> 00:36:04,000 Yeah! 827 00:36:04,000 --> 00:36:06,240 LAUGHTER 828 00:36:06,240 --> 00:36:07,600 But it is the permanent teeth. 829 00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:10,200 They take a while for the baby teeth to fall out. 830 00:36:10,200 --> 00:36:12,120 It begins around the age of six. 831 00:36:12,120 --> 00:36:14,360 Anybody know, 2017, UK survey, 832 00:36:14,360 --> 00:36:16,960 what's the average amount the tooth fairy leaves for a tooth? 833 00:36:16,960 --> 00:36:18,480 ♪ Cheek. ♪ Yes. 834 00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:19,720 I'll go £2. 835 00:36:19,720 --> 00:36:22,080 It's 88p. Oh, OK. 836 00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:24,280 Who leaves 88p for a...? 837 00:36:24,280 --> 00:36:26,120 LAUGHTER 838 00:36:26,120 --> 00:36:28,320 It's an average, it's an average. Yeah. 839 00:36:28,320 --> 00:36:30,400 Ostriches are the only animals in the world 840 00:36:30,400 --> 00:36:31,840 that have a double kneecap. 841 00:36:31,840 --> 00:36:34,600 They have an upper kneecap which looks like that of most species, 842 00:36:34,600 --> 00:36:36,880 but it also has a lower kneecap. Anybody know why? 843 00:36:38,040 --> 00:36:40,240 Nope. No, that's correct. Nobody knows why. 844 00:36:40,240 --> 00:36:41,840 LAUGHTER Oh, wow! 845 00:36:41,840 --> 00:36:43,360 Is it to do with trying to take off, 846 00:36:43,360 --> 00:36:45,480 like the amount of weight when they used to fly? 847 00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:48,080 Well, if you could figure it out, everybody would be thrilled. 848 00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:50,160 I'm going to dedicate my life to it. That's it. 849 00:36:50,160 --> 00:36:51,920 What is this man's official title? 850 00:36:53,200 --> 00:36:54,520 Is it the Pope? 851 00:36:54,520 --> 00:36:56,320 KLAXON 852 00:36:58,440 --> 00:36:59,720 Head of the Catholic Church. 853 00:36:59,720 --> 00:37:01,640 Yeah, it's not his official title. 854 00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:03,040 So, we rang... I love this. 855 00:37:03,040 --> 00:37:07,160 We rang the Papal Nunciature. Guess where they are located. 856 00:37:07,160 --> 00:37:08,200 Lowestoft. 857 00:37:08,200 --> 00:37:10,120 LAUGHTER 858 00:37:10,120 --> 00:37:11,480 Wimbledon. Are they? 859 00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:12,640 LAUGHTER 860 00:37:12,640 --> 00:37:14,800 And the spokesman translated the Pope's titles 861 00:37:14,800 --> 00:37:16,600 from the Vatican's official directory. 862 00:37:16,600 --> 00:37:18,680 They are Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, 863 00:37:18,680 --> 00:37:20,480 Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, 864 00:37:20,480 --> 00:37:23,600 Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, 865 00:37:23,600 --> 00:37:26,080 Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, 866 00:37:26,080 --> 00:37:28,000 Sovereign of the State of Vatican City, 867 00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:30,280 Servant of the Servants of God, 868 00:37:30,280 --> 00:37:32,280 but not Pope. 869 00:37:32,280 --> 00:37:34,400 Try fitting that on a name badge. I know! 870 00:37:34,400 --> 00:37:35,760 LAUGHTER 871 00:37:35,760 --> 00:37:39,320 It's a colloquial term from the Italian "papa", so it's a style, 872 00:37:39,320 --> 00:37:40,920 rather than an official title. 873 00:37:40,920 --> 00:37:42,960 Why do you think those guys all round the back 874 00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:44,280 are looking in the air? 875 00:37:44,280 --> 00:37:47,000 Cos their hats haven't landed yet. And the Pope's looking forward? 876 00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:48,320 LAUGHTER 877 00:37:48,320 --> 00:37:50,840 "My hat came first! Ha-ha-ha!" 878 00:37:50,840 --> 00:37:53,280 Supplementary question, is the Pope Catholic? 879 00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:56,520 I mean, literally, is the Pope a Roman Catholic? 880 00:37:56,520 --> 00:38:00,280 He's a Roman Catholic, yes. 881 00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:02,040 KLAXON 882 00:38:04,600 --> 00:38:07,960 Because the Pope, that is this man, is not called the Pope, 883 00:38:07,960 --> 00:38:10,400 then he is a Roman Catholic, this one is a Roman Catholic, 884 00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:13,920 but the actual Pope is the Pope of the Coptic Orthodox Church of Alexandria 885 00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:16,280 and his official title is 886 00:38:16,280 --> 00:38:20,880 Pope of Alexandria and Patriarch of All Africa on the Holy See of St Mark the Apostle. 887 00:38:20,880 --> 00:38:23,560 So he is definitely the Pope but he isn't a Catholic. 888 00:38:23,560 --> 00:38:26,000 He's the Pope of the Coptic Orthodox Church. 889 00:38:26,000 --> 00:38:31,040 So the Pope, the man whose actual title is the Pope, isn't a Catholic. 890 00:38:31,040 --> 00:38:33,000 The Pope isn't officially called the Pope 891 00:38:33,000 --> 00:38:35,960 and the man who actually is the Pope isn't a Catholic. 892 00:38:35,960 --> 00:38:38,160 LAUGHTER 893 00:38:38,160 --> 00:38:39,200 Clear? Yeah. 894 00:38:40,480 --> 00:38:44,280 Name the third largest political party in the UK. 895 00:38:45,360 --> 00:38:46,840 ♪ Balls. ♪ 896 00:38:46,840 --> 00:38:49,080 The SNP. 897 00:38:49,080 --> 00:38:51,240 No. KLAXON 898 00:38:52,320 --> 00:38:54,160 Now, you ought to get to this one. 899 00:38:54,160 --> 00:38:56,080 Any other guesses? 900 00:38:56,080 --> 00:38:57,960 Can't be the Liberal Democrats, they're... 901 00:38:57,960 --> 00:38:59,840 KLAXON 902 00:38:59,840 --> 00:39:00,880 It can't be. 903 00:39:02,880 --> 00:39:04,080 It can't be Ukip. 904 00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:07,800 KLAXON AND LAUGHTER 905 00:39:07,800 --> 00:39:09,680 Can't be the Green Party. 906 00:39:09,680 --> 00:39:12,000 KLAXON AND LAUGHTER 907 00:39:14,480 --> 00:39:17,120 So, no, it's a party that you ought to know about. 908 00:39:17,120 --> 00:39:20,160 Co-operative Party? It is the Co-operative Party. 909 00:39:20,160 --> 00:39:22,400 And which party did you stand for? 910 00:39:22,400 --> 00:39:23,880 The Labour and Co-operative Party. 911 00:39:23,880 --> 00:39:25,520 So were you a Co-operative Party person 912 00:39:25,520 --> 00:39:27,960 or were you a Labour Party...? Both. You were both? 913 00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:30,720 Yeah, the Co-operative Party is affiliated to the Labour Party. 914 00:39:30,720 --> 00:39:34,560 There's no Co-operative MPs who aren't also Labour Party MPs, 915 00:39:34,560 --> 00:39:36,120 and so you're always both. 916 00:39:36,120 --> 00:39:39,360 But it currently has 38 MPs and 17 peers, 917 00:39:39,360 --> 00:39:41,320 seven members of the Scottish Parliament. 918 00:39:41,320 --> 00:39:43,640 So there was a pact with Labour in 1927. 919 00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:45,200 What was the reason for the pact? 920 00:39:45,200 --> 00:39:48,880 I mean, cos it made the Co-operative Party sort of disappear. 921 00:39:48,880 --> 00:39:51,480 I mean, even you, who is a Co-operative Party member, 922 00:39:51,480 --> 00:39:54,520 didn't say Co-operative Party. You came up with lots of other ones. 923 00:39:54,520 --> 00:39:56,080 I wonder why it has disappeared. 924 00:39:56,080 --> 00:39:58,040 This has suddenly become Paxman. 925 00:39:58,040 --> 00:39:59,320 LAUGHTER 926 00:39:59,320 --> 00:40:00,680 No, I'm just curious! 927 00:40:00,680 --> 00:40:02,560 Ask him again, he hasn't answered it. 928 00:40:02,560 --> 00:40:04,480 SARA: Answer the question! 929 00:40:04,480 --> 00:40:06,400 I don't know! 930 00:40:06,400 --> 00:40:08,720 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 931 00:40:11,480 --> 00:40:16,080 That is the most refreshing thing any politician has ever said. 932 00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:17,720 LAUGHTER 933 00:40:17,720 --> 00:40:21,960 It's a party founded in 1917 by hundreds of different cooperative societies. 934 00:40:21,960 --> 00:40:24,320 Do you not think it's due for a resurgence? 935 00:40:24,320 --> 00:40:27,120 It has more representation in Parliament now than it's ever had. 936 00:40:27,120 --> 00:40:28,680 So, 38 is the biggest it's ever been. 937 00:40:28,680 --> 00:40:32,480 But might it break away from Labour if it doesn't agree with the direction Labour takes? 938 00:40:32,480 --> 00:40:35,680 Well, it absolutely could. 939 00:40:35,680 --> 00:40:39,120 But...it never has and nobody has ever stood as a Co-operative Party 940 00:40:39,120 --> 00:40:42,160 member who is not also a Labour Party member. Yeah. 941 00:40:42,160 --> 00:40:45,080 So, other parties that people may not have heard of, 942 00:40:45,080 --> 00:40:48,280 there have been over 700 different ones in UK general elections 943 00:40:48,280 --> 00:40:53,200 since the 1950s, including the I Want To Drop A Blancmange Town Terry Wogan's Y-Fronts Party. 944 00:40:53,200 --> 00:40:55,280 LAUGHTER 945 00:40:55,280 --> 00:40:57,520 How did you get on? 946 00:40:57,520 --> 00:41:00,000 In the local elections, fine. 947 00:41:00,000 --> 00:41:02,800 Pamela Stephenson stood for them. 948 00:41:02,800 --> 00:41:07,320 The Rainbow Dream Ticket Party. In 2005, they got one vote. 949 00:41:07,320 --> 00:41:09,720 LAUGHTER 950 00:41:09,720 --> 00:41:12,480 and the woman who stood said, "I didn't vote for myself." 951 00:41:12,480 --> 00:41:16,120 The Highlander IV Wednesday Night Promotion Party. 952 00:41:16,120 --> 00:41:21,480 It was a pub landlord and he worked out that if you pay your deposit, 953 00:41:21,480 --> 00:41:24,760 you get free postage for one piece of campaign literature to every 954 00:41:24,760 --> 00:41:27,040 registered household in your constituency 955 00:41:27,040 --> 00:41:31,560 And it was worth spending the money for his pub, Highlander IV, Wednesday Night Promotion. 956 00:41:31,560 --> 00:41:33,480 LAUGHTER 957 00:41:33,480 --> 00:41:37,880 He got 48 votes. He narrowly lost to the Buy The Daily Sport Party 958 00:41:37,880 --> 00:41:40,600 but he did beat the Alfred Chicken Party, so well done. 959 00:41:40,600 --> 00:41:42,400 LAUGHTER 960 00:41:42,400 --> 00:41:47,120 The Co-operative Party has the third most MPs despite the fact that most people don't know about them. 961 00:41:47,120 --> 00:41:51,480 Name a movie the owner of this Hollywood star starred in. 962 00:41:51,480 --> 00:41:53,080 ♪ Hands. ♪ 963 00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:56,240 Oh, it's a trick one, isn't it? 964 00:41:56,240 --> 00:41:58,720 Raiders of the Lost Ark. Raiders of the Lost Ark. 965 00:41:58,720 --> 00:42:01,080 KLAXON 966 00:42:02,080 --> 00:42:03,440 Is there another? 967 00:42:03,440 --> 00:42:08,240 There are two Harrison Fords on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. 968 00:42:08,240 --> 00:42:10,200 What?! So, the original... 969 00:42:10,200 --> 00:42:12,480 Wasn't he gorgeous? Silent movie star. 970 00:42:12,480 --> 00:42:17,360 Isn't he stunning? Made more than 80 films from 1915 to 1932 971 00:42:17,360 --> 00:42:21,280 and got his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in 1960. 972 00:42:21,280 --> 00:42:25,440 In fact, the modern Ford initially called himself Harrison J. Ford 973 00:42:25,440 --> 00:42:29,520 because people were still talking about the old Harrison Ford, 974 00:42:29,520 --> 00:42:32,400 although the initial one had actually been dead for ten years. 975 00:42:32,400 --> 00:42:35,240 Maybe people were really spooked out when he turned up for auditions. 976 00:42:35,240 --> 00:42:37,080 Wargh! LAUGHTER 977 00:42:37,080 --> 00:42:39,400 What I like about the current Harrison Ford, his USP, 978 00:42:39,400 --> 00:42:43,360 his kind of great selling point in Hollywood is apparently that he looks good scared. 979 00:42:43,360 --> 00:42:46,400 In other words, when he's frightened, he still looks handsome. 980 00:42:46,400 --> 00:42:49,280 Which, I quite like that, as a thing. 981 00:42:49,280 --> 00:42:52,360 And so it's time for the walk of shame that is the scores. 982 00:42:52,360 --> 00:42:54,760 In first place, ahh, 983 00:42:54,760 --> 00:42:57,080 part woman, part human encyclopaedia, 984 00:42:57,080 --> 00:42:58,600 with no points at all... 985 00:42:58,600 --> 00:43:00,640 LAUGHTER 986 00:43:00,640 --> 00:43:01,920 ..it's Sara! 987 00:43:01,920 --> 00:43:03,160 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 988 00:43:03,160 --> 00:43:05,640 No points. Thank you. No points. 989 00:43:07,040 --> 00:43:09,440 In second place, excellent in parts, 990 00:43:09,440 --> 00:43:11,120 with -27, Johnny! 991 00:43:11,120 --> 00:43:13,440 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 992 00:43:15,760 --> 00:43:18,160 And in equal last place, 993 00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:21,600 the coalition of chaos, with -36, Alan and Ed. 994 00:43:21,600 --> 00:43:24,800 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 995 00:43:24,800 --> 00:43:26,040 APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH 996 00:43:31,320 --> 00:43:34,880 So it's a big thank you to Ed Balls, Johnny Vegas, Sara Pascoe and Alan, 997 00:43:34,880 --> 00:43:36,160 and I leave you with this. 998 00:43:36,160 --> 00:43:40,000 George Bernard Shaw found himself sat next to a tedious windbag 999 00:43:40,000 --> 00:43:43,240 at a party. Eventually, he got a word in edgeways. 1000 00:43:43,240 --> 00:43:46,560 "I think, between us, we know everything in the world," he said. 1001 00:43:46,560 --> 00:43:49,760 "How's that?", replied the man. "Well, you seem to know everything, 1002 00:43:49,760 --> 00:43:53,240 "apart from the fact that you're a bore, and I know that." 1003 00:43:53,240 --> 00:43:54,680 Thank you and goodnight. 1004 00:43:54,680 --> 00:43:57,760 APPLAUSE