_
Thank you very much.
Welcome to QI.
Tonight, we are ensuring our privacy and going for maximum publicity
in our public and private show, so allow me to publicly
unveil our panel.
A "Private Eye", Victoria Coren Mitchell.
A private soldier, Phill Jupitus.
A private property, Bridget Christie.
And, a public convenience, Alan Davies.
Let's give the buzzers their first public outing.
Victoria goes...
This is Victoria.
That's very nice.
Phil goes...
And second, number two, the fine filly Jupitus.
And Bridget goes...
Final call for Bridget Christie, final call for Bridget Christie.
That's terrifying.
And finally, Alan goes...
Unexpected item in the bagging area.
Right, for a question about proximity,
so, Alan, I want to ask you...
She's only just got castors.
You're stuck now, aren't you?
Am I close enough to trigger your reaction bubbles?
Without a shadow of a doubt. Yeah.
Is it uncomfortable at all?
No, no, just feeling it now. Yep.
- So why is it uncomfortable? - No, don't go!
We were so close!
Do you know why that might be uncomfortable?
Well, proximity.
Yeah, it is the study of proxemics.
It's the discipline of studying
the space that we keep between ourselves.
So, the founder of it is a US cultural anthropologist called
Edward Twitchell Hall.
Are you all right?
And he...
- Are you coming to me? - No, darling, you're OK,-
-because you might get injured.
So there are four main zones, and you can see it up here.
First of all, we have the public space,
that is the distance at which you are comfortable addressing...
- There is zone six as well. - Oh, yes, that's true.
So the distance at which you feel comfortable addressing a crowd.
Then there is social distance,
that's where I would interact with my acquaintances
and then there is personal distance
which is coming up to four feet, that's for friends and family.
Now, I'm going to pick you.
This is intimate distance, OK.
So... I've never met you before, have I?
No, Mum.
Ladies and gentlemen, my son, Theo!
Personal space... I wouldn't have done that to a stranger
because I'm too shy. It would have been awful.
Thank God it actually is your son. Everything was wrong with that.
Mainly the fact that he said, "No, Mum." If that wasn't your son...
It would be a terrible way to find out, wouldn't it?
Wow. So, personal space, it depends slightly on your culture.
So you'd stand closer to a Latin American
than you would to a north European
and closer to a north European than you would to a Japanese person.
There are lots of people who use it as a power tool.
So President Johnson -
he was the president who followed after Kennedy -
he used it all the time to dominate. It was called the Johnson treatment.
Look at him, with that guy. He was 6'3", very heavily built
and he used to push his face right into personal space
and it doesn't feel comfortable even looking at it, does it?
It sets up our fight-and-flight response if somebody's too close.
I am definitely that person. I am the one, at a party,
everyone's moving around the room as I get closer and closer and closer.
My husband, it was five years
before he'd even put a kiss at the end of an e-mail.
I think it's nice to get close.
- Was your family touchy-feely? - Yeah, touchy, feely, shouty, ragey.
There is a sort of nationality thing.
My very British husband, you know he's a bit Scottish, a bit Welsh,
"What? Kisses on an e-mail? We're not even married!"
Whereas, with my more exotic blood,
let's all sit on each other's laps, let's do it now, Phill!
Yeah, go on, Phill! If you say so.
Right, let's get our privates on parade for a public holiday.
How far back does this parade go?
Is it weirdly new? Six months.
Well, you're not far off.
- Oh, really? - No. It's in Mexico City.
It is a world-famous costume parade
to celebrate a tradition which goes back to 2016.
That can't be true.
They got the idea from the 2015 James Bond film, Spectre.
And the Mexican City people thought,
what a marvellous idea, let's do one of those.
What they used to do in the past was that
they did have the festival, the Day Of The Dead,
but they celebrated with - I think rather jolly -
a family picnic beside their relatives' graves.
Who doesn't want to do that?
Do you want a sandwich, Nan?
Nan!
Sorry, a tortilla. Sorry.
When is it?
The Day Of The Dead? It takes place October 31, November 1.
So it's Halloween, then.
Yes, the English equivalent would indeed be Halloween.
The festival itself is genuinely old.
You're right about that. It is a pre-Columbian Aztec festival.
The British equivalent is, of course, Halloween,
and lots of people lament the trick-or-treating.
They lament it as an American thing, but it is not American.
Anyone know where it comes from?
Belgium.
Well, it's somewhere that you know rather well.
- Oh, Spain? - Scotland. - It is from Scotland. It is, indeed.
- What? - Yes. It's a centuries-old Scottish custom.
It's "All Tricks".
The Scottish have a thing called guising,
and children used to go door-to-door dressed as ghosts
and say, either "I'll do a trick,"
which was a song or a dance
and then you would get a treat for it.
And possibly the very first trick or treat is 3rd century AD -
there was a Greek writer, Athanaeus of Naucratis,
and he wrote a book, the Deipnosophists,
so it basically means "the dinner philosophers".
I've always thought a political party called The Dinner Party
would do rather well, do you not think?
The After Party!
Yes! Do you know what I mean?
Anyway, this book is in fact also known as the world's oldest
cookbook, but in it, Athenaeus talks about the Greek island of Rhodes
and they had a custom in which the children
in the months of September, October, would go door to door,
dressed as swallows, and sing a song, demanding the owners
of the house gave some food, and threatening mischief if they refused
so trick or treat, unbelievably old and actually originally Greek.
Ooh!
You know what they do in America
now, which I think is totally cheating?
They do trunk or treat. Yeah.
They park a load of cars next to each other...
..and the kids just walk from car to car.
Yes. Apparently it's thought to be safer, and maybe
some of them are too fat to walk.
That one's still got its engine running.
Absolute health hazard. Yep.
Who dresses as Santa for Halloween?!
That kid's been like that for ten months!
Right, let's have a look at some other public holidays.
Which one of these do you fancy celebrating?
Tomb-Sweeping Day. Tomb-sweeping Day,
also known as the Qingming Festival.
It happens in China
and it pretty much does what it says on the tin, really.
You visit family graves and you tidy them.
Are you allowed to hoover?
I don't know if you can hoover, but here's the thing -
you are allowed not to turn up.
There is a service that some cemeteries offer
where staff will do the tomb sweeping on your behalf
and you livestream it via an app.
It originates from a very old festival called
the Hanshi Festival, or the cold food festival,
and it celebrates a man called Jie Zhitui.
And he was a nobleman who lived around 650 BC.
He was very loyal to his master
and his master wanted soup, and they didn't have any meat,
so he cut a piece of his own thigh...
- Ooh. - ...and placed it in the soup.
Ahhh. That's nice!
And yet Employee of the Year was actually Dave from Accounts!
So everyone does it?
They go themselves or somebody does it for them?
Yes, it's a bit like now, you know,
you can get nuns in the United States,
you can pay for them to pray for you if you can't be bothered to
do it every day.
This is... I mean, I literally don't even clean the bath!
How many people have you got buried in the bath?!
I've got a nun, takes PayPal. I just have to text her mid-show,
if it's going badly, and she... Prays for a happy ending.
Yeah, people do that now. People...
You can have people to cry at your funeral as well.
Professional mourners, yes.
Yeah, and then after they've done it, they invoice you
and then they go, "Ohh, again!"
Can you get ones that just do a little...
..or do you get, like, ones that...
A range of criers.
- Can't you pick which one...? - Yeah.
- So you could have a mix... - Yeah, a mixture.
- Not just someone who's just a bit irritable. - Yeah.
"What? "Sorry, I'm a bit upset, OK?!"
Come on, let's have a look at some other festivals.
- Boogie Nights down the bottom there. - The Boogg.
OK. So this is a Swiss festival
and The Boogg is basically a bogeyman,
but it's a bogeyman shaped like a snowman.
And what they do -
this is to celebrate spring's victory over winter,
and he's stuck on top of a bonfire
with his head stuffed full of dynamite.
♪ We're walking in the air
♪ We're floating in the... ♪ No! Why are you doing this to me?
Why? What have I done to you?
Apparently you can tell the summer forecast
by how quickly his head explodes.
And eventually, kaboom! Kaboom.
What's his broom for?
It's tidying up his grave later.
Sweeping up.
Anyone want to choose another one? Bridget, choose one.
The Day of the Sea.
This is the only one out of all of them I absolutely want to go to.
It's March the 23rd, the Day of the Sea.
They haven't got any sea in Bolivia. I know.
It is a landlocked country
but they bemoan the day, in 1879, when they had a battle with Chile
and they lost their access to the sea. Ah.
It is a very famous battle,
it was a heroic commander called Eduardo Abaroa
and he was invited to surrender by the Chileans
and he replied, "Me, surrender? Tell your grandmother to surrender."
At which point he was shot dead, and he...
He had the first home hand.
To the sea, to the sea!
They have parades, they have a national beauty contest,
people dress up with boats on their heads,
the Navy, they still have a Navy. What?
The Bolivian Navy turns out in full regalia
and at midday, the whole country falls silent
and they listen for five minutes on loudspeakers
to the sounds of the sea.
Who doesn't want to go?
Bolivia is now half the size it was
when it declared independence but the loss of the sea...
..is the most painful!
And the Bolivian Navy has several boats
but mostly on Lake Titicaca.
Lake Titicaca is the largest lake in South America, and it's massive -
it's 118 miles long and 50 ft wide. I mean, you're talking...
50 ft wide? That's quite...
I'm sorry, 50 miles!
That's a river, Sandi, that's a river!
Phil, pick a festival.
I'll take Smigus-dyngus, please.
Smigus-dyngus. I knew him. Yeah. It's a Polish holiday.
It means "wet Monday". Er...
which mostly, as I've understood it, consists of boys
throwing water over girls,
and then spanking them with pussy willow.
This is pretty much...
Oh, surprise, surprise
It will not surprise you that the more attractive the girl,
the more frequently she tends to have water thrown over her,
and is spanked more by pussy willow.
Could I have another go, please?
I didn't know I had a pervs' festival!
Where do you think the dyngus capital of the world is?
It's in Buffalo, New York.
Huh? Yeah. Is it?
Yes, it is, er, the most popular place to celebrate this.
They claim that the festival dates back to 966 AD,
when Prince Mieszko of Poland, "The Father of Poland",
along with his court, were baptised for the very first time.
Ah, they didn't have a public procession in Mexico City
until it was suggested by the parade inspector.
Sorry, by the parade... in Spectre, there we are.
Er, now...
Take your time, I'm here all evening.
Right, who fancies a ride
in my Spike Away non-social transient behaviour vest?
Transient behaviour?
A little clue, I found these in lost property -
I don't know if that's of any use to you whatsoever.
Some sort of travelling thing? Yes, travelling, to do with travelling.
Non-social transient behaviour is the way people...
Oh, it's something you wear to make people not stand next to you. Yes!
A spiky thing. It is a spiky thing.
Yeah, my personality does the trick. But...
It's a clothing version.
So, it is the way in which people on public transport try and keep
the seat next to them free.
So they avoid eye contact,
they stretch out, they pretend to be asleep,
they use the hate stare to look crazy.
There was a wonderful eccentric called Gerald Tyrwhitt.
He was Lord Berners.
And what he used to do is, when he was on a railway carriage,
now, he died in 1950, he used to put on a black skull cap,
lean out the window and beckon people to join him.
And then, if they dared to, he took out a large rectal thermometer,
and shoved it in his mouth every few minutes
and then gloomily looked at it, and...
But there are other things you can wear.
So there was a designer named Kathleen McDermott.
She created a dress and it senses when people are standing too close
and it inflates.
Oh, that's great. Yeah.
I love this. Like a pufferfish. Yes.
The other thing to have is, a Singaporean design student
called Siew Ming Cheng, made the Spike Away vest.
What it is, it's flexible spikes that you put in the garden
to keep animals away from plants.
We have a couple. So what I'd like is,
Phil and Bridget, if you would put on the Spike Away
and then I've got, for you, Alan...
So it just goes over...
The spikes, they're really hurting me, the spikes.
I think they are supposed to be on the outside, Bridge.
OK, so if you stand here, Alan. Yeah.
And you two. So, imagine you're minding your own business...
In the lift. ..on the Tube
and you two wish that he wasn't there.
So, just see if you could use your Spike Away vests to...
Wow, it's...
I'm loving this.
They're not...
Not trying.
And welcome to Niche Porn!
And now the Danish lady will burst the balloons!
Oh, yeah! That's how we like it! Let's...
Oi!
Come here, come here!
Come on!
Oh, you've got me in the shoulder!
Come on!
Watch how he steadies himself - he's asking for it!
That's the most adrenaline I've ever had on this show!
Nobody's afraid of balloons, are they? That would be an awful fear.
Where did you get those tiny scissors from, you lunatic?!
NOW I find out about it,
just one week after I was trapped on the Tube
with that lecherous balloon modeller.
I do find balloon modelling very strange, don't you?
Yeah, I find it quite nerve-racking. Yeah.
Anybody know what the fear of balloons is called?
I do now.
Somebody over there does.
Globophobia.
It is globophobia, yes, or "globe-ophobia",
it seems to be a fear of...globes.
I have got the fear of lots of holes together next to each other.
Have you? Trypophobia, it's called.
Where does this... Like a sieve? No.
It's something like a hive
or a pomegranate when the seeds are out.
I mean, doesn't anyone else... Is that...
No, honestly, it's just you, darling.
Literally, just you. It can't just be me.
- Anybody else? No, nobody. - Yes!
Oh, thank you! It's horrible, isn't it?
It's disgusting!
Does it make you feel like you're going to pass out?
Yeah, me too. Thank you.
Somebody, look, she's... Pincushions must be a nightmare.
Or those little things where you put...
..a globule. What about one of them dangled before you?
It's not, you can't... I have to see it.
You can't frighten me. Yeah, I can...
I'm going to make some holes here
and see how bad you get.
Oh.
No, it's... No?
Sorry, that is very unfair.
You can't harm me.
You are an insignificant fear... No.
You're not supposed to say that out loud.
That's your own personal mantra.
Moving on.
Anyway, what was I talking about?
Anyway, yes, don't stand so close to me or I'll call the police.
Oh, yeah, you see. Thank you.
To use a slightly creaky pop culture reference
which will hopefully appeal to QI's target...
Pop culture? Pop culture.
It will appeal to QI's target demographic.
Me.
According to the latest research, the average person has five secrets
which they've never told to a living soul,
so I would like tonight to hear one of yours, please.
- You're looking at me. - I was, darling, but I think you've given enough.
I'll give you all five. OK, go.
- Where I keep my keys. - Yes.
And four murders.
I was once walking home across Hampstead Heath
and I got caught short and I had to do a poo under some leaves.
Did you have to do that five times?
Four other secret poos I've done, probably.
Sorry. Let's just retrace our steps.
So, you're crossing Hampstead Heath, trousers down.
No, I didn't have my trousers down until I needed to go.
He doesn't walk around with his trousers down... Do you?
Then, as I went to pull my trousers up...
..I slipped over in it...
- Excuse me, sorry, have you not been mocking me? - I'm not mocking you,
- I'm being sympathetic. - No, you haven't.
And you've shat in a bush.
- Did you have any paper with you? - No, I used some leaves
and that's what I slipped on.
And my glasses fell off
and I had to go home
and when I got home, I couldn't properly see my house.
I thought, "Where are my... My glasses have fallen off!"
I had to go back and look for them.
How drunk were you?
Oh, I was pretty... A bit steamed.
Columbia Business School, it was a study,
they used 38 categories of secrets.
So there's all the normal ones you might have, you know -
stealing, cheating, fancying somebody you shouldn't fancy.
But they also had some odd choices.
So, a secret opinion,
not liking something that people think that you like,
planning a surprise for somebody, a secret hobby.
They asked 2,000 participants if they had those kind of secrets.
Oh, I didn't really realise those were the parameters, I thought...
Yeah, oh... I thought...
..terribly humiliating events.
I didn't realise, like, a secret opinion.
No, but I'd like yours as a benchmark, I think it's very...
Oh, you didn't on the bench as well, did you?
There's a link between having secrets and people being clumsy,
people getting depressed, people having anxiety, chronic illnesses,
even the common cold.
But what they reckon is, it's the having the secret that's the burden,
not the keeping of it. It's the worrying that you do
on your own when you've got this secret.
I feel ever more regretful about...
You overshared. I did overshare.
We're playing the game,
and I've absolutely been hung out to dry in my own faeces.
Anyway, my secret is that I am a closet beanbag tosser.
Here we go, Phill and Victoria.
You've called yourself a beanbag tosser?
I... I don't want to just call myself a tosser, darling,
I thought the beanbag thing was better.
These are actually Sandi's pillows from her bed.
OK. There is a basket you can see on the I there.
I've got another one. I've got another one, don't worry.
I'm livid about my secret.
At least he didn't shit in the basket.
No, no, no!
No.
Right.
It is addictive isn't it? Phill, have a go.
OK. Mind, don't hit him.
Alan, can you get... Can you get mine for me?
Stay away from me, you dirty bastard!
You're not allowed to bring it up again.
When someone's revealed something,
you're not allowed to use it against them.
Darling, I don't think the fact you've shat in a bush
is ever going to go away.
Oh. So here is the thing...
It's another study by the University of Amsterdam.
So, people who have secrets find them burdensome...
They're all stoned.
What if we threw beanbags at the palace?
Well, you're physically burdened by it... Oh, he's off again. Erm...
We're going to up the ante. Here we are, look.
We're going to do it again.
I'll face the audience, then I won't know, right, I won't...
OK. It's like William Tell beanbag tossing.
Go on, then.
Ooh, sorry! Ooh!
Stay still, for goodness' sake!
Do you know what you look like?
You look like a little elf sitting under a bush thinking,
"I hope nobody shits on me!"
Just going to bring it up on the end of every sentence now, aren't you?
Yes. "Tell me a secret."
"Oh, it's vicious, it's cruel."
So, I am surprised, Alan, that you are telling us all these secrets,
because you were easily the person who threw the beanbags too far.
And people who did this study in the University of Amsterdam,
they find people are physically burdened by having a secret,
and they tend to think physical tasks are too difficult.
Well, I have got much, much darker secrets than that.
If you think your husband's having an affair...
Get him to toss beanbags.
..see if he can hit a milk bottle with a ping-pong ball? Yes.
That's the sort of thing. Is that a euphemism?
So whoever overshoots has got a guilty conscience,
that's all I'm saying. What does it mean if you got one in?
Are we still talking about the beanbags?
It means you're a very well-balanced individual.
You're a nicely balanced individual. Apart from the holes.
It's no secret everybody has a few things they'd like to keep private.
No shit!
Now, what's so embarrassing about this guy?
He's pooed in that case!
If only I'd had an attache case at the time.
I'm going to guess... Yeah.
..is he...
I dunno.
El Cobrador del Frac, so El Cobrador is...
Something to do with cobras?
It's a debt collector. Ah. Oh.
So he is a frock-coated debt collector.
And I think we should have this.
This is apparently a common sight in Spain.
If you've got a debt that you can't collect,
you can call in a company that specialises in sending
these distinctively dressed people out to haunt the debtor.
So they never speak to them, they don't approach them,
they just stand hour after hour staring at you. What?
Yep. You could be at work, you could be in a restaurant,
you can be on the street, and the whole world knows that the debtor
is being what used to be called dunned.
You know what? I've got a way round that.
What you do is, when you get up, you go, "Come with me, Jeeves."
Well, so, these are not the only cobradors.
There are ones who are dressed as bull-fighters, as clowns,
monks, bears. What?!
Rewind a minute. Yeah.
A bear will go and stand because you owe someone a few bob?
A bear will just stand and stare at you.
I've never wanted to be in debt in Spain more in my life.
But my favourite, there's one company that employs a bagpiper
to bagpipe incessantly outside your house until you pay up.
I think the Queen must owe a lot of money!
In Britain, the Office of Fair Trading
lists acting in a way likely to be publicly embarrassing to the debtor
as unfair practice, so they wouldn't be allowed here,
but I think it's marvellous thing.
Medieval Europe - public shaming was a very common punishment.
Adulterers, wife beaters, that kind of thing.
But also husbands who were hen-pecked.
This is a picture representing a scene
in 17th century France - a hen-pecked husband
would be made to ride a donkey backwards
through the streets, so a public shaming.
And this is the Flute of Shame. Oh, 'allo!
Do you know who that's for, the Flute of Shame?
Acker Bilk! Acker Bilk!
So you wore it round your neck and your fingers were trapped.
It was for bad musicians.
Yeah. Aww!
Oh, no, oh, come on!
No, no, you can see one in the Amsterdam Museum of Torture.
You can see more than that, love.
They should give one each to One Direction.
But public shaming still exists today, doesn't it? I mean, it's...
It's, well, social media. Social media, yeah.
There is a very good thing which I did like -
in the 1990s, the Mayor of Bogota hired 20 professional mimes
to mimic people who flouted traffic laws.
And it was so successful, they ended up training another 400 mimes.
It turns out people are more afraid of being mocked
than they are of being fined.
When I went to La Paz on my Bolivia trip, they have
people dressed as zebras to help you cross the road. Seriously?
I'm not joking.
And they kind of dance while they're helping you across the road.
They've had such trouble with cars hitting people. Yeah.
What a car will do is it will stop
if it sees three dancing zebras going in front of it.
A fantastic interpretation of a zebra crossing. I love that.
Yeah, actual zebra crossings. OK.
Now, what could be more private than a privy?
But those outdoor lavs can be awfully chilly.
What's the best way to keep them warm?
I mean, to Alan, everything's an outdoor privy.
They could do with a few of those on Hampstead Heath.
That's exactly the hat I was wearing.
Hang on a minute!
What do you reckon? It's old-fashioned,
it's been around since Elizabethan times.
Something to do with compost?
Yes, you're heading in the right sort of direction.
Who might produce a lot of... Well, other than Alan!
Who might produce...
Like cattle, sort of, an animal.
Pigs. Animals, you're absolutely right, it's pigs.
And in lots of places, it was traditional to build a pigsty
and the privy right next to each other.
That allowed heat generated in the former
to improve the comfort of the latter.
It goes back a very long way.
And lots of places, privies emptied directly into the pigsty,
so ultimately your waste becomes sausages.
Do you think that's why pigs have a reputation for being dirty
when they're very clean animals? They're extremely clean,
and it may be that we associate them with our own waste -
that is perfectly possible.
But in Elizabethan times, the floor of your privy became a source of
an incredibly valuable resource. Anybody know what it have been?
Is it a fertiliser? It can be used for fertiliser,
it can also be used for something rather more explosive.
Ammonia? It would be for saltpetre.
Saltpetre. Saltpetre - it was used for gunpowder.
And it was so important that there were saltpetre men
and they were sent out to dig out your privy.
So, basically, it formed
wherever the soil is enriched by urine and dung.
And it's what keeps cigarettes alight.
It is the thing that causes a cigarette
to burn evenly, saltpetre, you're absolutely right.
In several countries in the 17th century, it was illegal
to pave over your barn, because they wanted the saltpetre.
Do you know how they detected it? It was by tasting it.
Yeah, I know. Jolly good job, I think, absolutely.
I've loaded a musket with gunpowder.
How come?
I just... Hasn't everybody?
She had an intruder!
What were you doing, though?
It was the Sealed Knot, the Civil War re-enactment society.
I used to, like... Did you do that?
I used to be in that.
Did you? Yeah.
Did you really? Yes.
That's amazing.
Yeah, not really, well...
I mean, amazing as in weird.
I am genuinely admiring.
This is what we have at the beginning of Only Connect.
"Oh, do you make it up?"
"Oh, the guy likes to go brass rubbing on Sunday."
Well, because it's normal to just sit watching X Factor all the time.
This is an interesting, eclectic person with a range of interests.
Ooh! I only admire you more for these things.
She used to ride motorbikes, didn't you?
I did. Yes.
Yeah.
Anyway, erm... Shooting people.
In the end, that's why she got turfed out the society.
Have you given up guns?
No, I like clay pigeon shooting now, but I don't get...
..a chance because, you know, just so busy doing these, these sort...
- That's, is that how they could solve the problem in America, more panel games? - Yeah.
What can't long-hairs do in Italy,
Mr Baggy Pants can't do in France,
mermaids can't do in Bromsgrove
and saggers can't do in Switzerland?
It is a sporting thing.
Swim?
Yes. What?! It's swimming. You're absolutely right.
They are banned from swimming in public baths.
Almost all public baths in France, you are only allowed to wear
tight swimming trunks. I know this.
Why? Because we went on holiday in France
and my husband, who always wears knee-length things,
was told by a very aggressive French man to go to the, um, machine -
they have a machine. A little vending machine.
And you get these awful, like, incontinence, small, tight,
like, plastic... We didn't go swimming.
You have to wear budgie smugglers. Yeah. That is the thing.
It's to stop people wearing their clothes from outside
in the pool.
And in Italian pools everybody,
male or female, has to wear a swimming cap.
Even if you're bald as a billiard ball,
you have to wear a swimming cap.
He looks magnificent!
He does, doesn't he?
In Japan, anybody with a tattoo is banned from public baths
because of the association with organised crime.
What? Yeah. And sagging, which is the fashion for wearing
your pants under your trousers with the brand name
of the underpants showing, that is banned in Switzerland.
And, er, mermaids?
Mermaid tails, they are banned for safety reasons from
a public pool in Bromsgrove.
This has upset many mermaids.
Erm... They're not real mermaids!
Did you know you can make $10 an hour as a mermaid?
- Yes. - Doing what?
There's a place called Weekiwachee Springs State Park
in Florida, and they have a show,
which I actually saw as a child in the late '60s,
which has 17 mermaids and three princes,
and they were hiring just recently.
$10 an hour for a mermaid.
But it's really, really difficult.
So the spring is so deep that the bottom has never been found.
And the current is so strong,
it would knock a scuba diver's mask off.
Do you fancy being a mermaid?
No. No.
I do like the idea of the place
where all the men have to wear little skimpy pants.
See, I like that. You like that? Oh, yes.
Goran Ivanisevic, when he won Wimbledon,
and he went back home
and sort of ripped his trousers off in celebration,
and had these tiny pants on,
it was said to be disgusting and terrible.
I thought it was amazing!
Absolute peak fitness, there you go. Very happy.
Naturist swimming pools sometimes have a sign that says,
"three-piece swimming suits only".
It's hats, sunglasses and sandals.
I'm wondering, right, if you had to swim at the Olympics, but
without a costume, I wonder how that would affect the times.
I'd be slowed right down.
Now for the round where we publicly mock your private delusions.
General Ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, please.
Which of these can you eat if you are a strict vegan?
Any of them, right?
No, why not?
Is one of them made out of animals?
No. So, almonds, avocados.
All of them, in fact.
It's the same reason as honey.
Oh, bees. They can't exist without bees, and the bees are used in...
Let's call it an unnatural way.
Because they're so difficult to cultivate naturally,
all of these crops rely on bees
which are placed on the back of trucks
and taken very long distances across the country.
It is called migratory beekeeping. Oh, God.
And it's obviously a...
Oh, God.
Can we change the picture, please? We can't look at the holes.
You can't look either, can you? No.
Has it gone yet? No? Yes, gone. It's gone, it's gone.
So, it's migratory beekeeping, and it's an unnatural use of animals,
and there are lots of foods that fall foul of this.
Broccoli is a good example. Cherries, cucumbers, lettuce.
Lots of sort of things that actually are NOT vegan.
Actually, there's some surprising things that are not vegan.
Vaccines produced with gelatine and eggs, wine,
often clarified with isinglass made from fish bladders,
and toothpaste. The texture often comes from glycerine,
which is made with animal fats, so
bad news for millennials, I'm afraid -
avocado toast is usually not strictly vegan.
If you've got 20-20 vision, how good is your eyesight?
Good. Normal.
It is absolutely average. It is not perfect.
So, in the UK, we actually say 6-6 rather than 20-20.
20-20 is the American thing.
So, if you are 20-20 vision, it means you can see at 20 feet
what an average person can see at 20 feet.
If you can't see the top letter, which is at 20-200 -
in other words at 20 feet
what the average person could see at 200 with your glasses on -
then you are legally blind.
Or you're looking the wrong way.
The limit for human beings, given the physical characteristics
of our eyeballs, is thought to be 20-8,
which means you can see at 20 feet
what an average person can see at eight feet.
A kestrel can see in the ultraviolet range
which means that it can see traces of urine
around the holes where tiny mammals go in and out.
Isn't that astonishing?
And then it can hang about till they pop out for a slash!
I was probably lucky not to be swept off by one.
Because they have got them on Hampstead Heath.
They had an eye on you.
So 20 feet is roughly infinity for us,
and any time you focus on something that is nearer than 20 feet,
so, maybe... Argh!
What, are you all right? Oh!
What, you don't like eyes? Big eye.
Oh! Oh, Saruman! Oh!
I feel like I'm holding together
some kind of group therapy this evening.
You absolutely, definitely are.
"I need to poo outside."
"I can't look at holes."
"Argh! Big eyes!"
And the other thing that's a good takeaway from this
is to follow the 20-20 rule.
Every 20 minutes, take a break from whatever close-up work
that you are focused on.
And instead focus on something that is 20 ft away, for 20 seconds.
So you should really have your telly 20 ft away.
Or 21 ft away.
Be annoying for the neighbours, though, wouldn't it?
Well, you should watch theirs and you should watch yours.
Anyway, moving on.
Presumably, these people aren't bored or tired.
So why are they yawning?
Is it something to do with oxygen before...
Didn't even get to the end of the thing.
We used to think that it gave us extra oxygen,
but it absolutely does not do that.
But it may be that it regulates the brain temperature
by cooling the blood on the way to the brain,
and that makes us more alert.
So some people now do it in sport, not because they're stressed,
but because they're trying to get themselves as ready as they can.
I once did a tandem parachute jump. Ah.
That, you go up, there's two pairs,
and then two other people with video cameras on their helmets
to film you as you down, and then...
And they all, they fell asleep.
And there's a lot of yawning and falling asleep
and it was explained to me that
in expectation of an adrenaline rush, the body kind of shuts down
a little bit and closes, and prepares for this.
So that is, there is a thing called nervous inertia,
and that is something, sometimes actors get it.
You'll find an actor's asleep five minutes before their opening night.
But the yawning thing,
what is amazing about it, it does seem to be contagious -
but only some people are susceptible to it.
It rather depends on how much empathy they have.
If you have more empathy, you're more likely, as it were,
to "catch" a yawn, and yawns are not catching at all
in children under the age of four
because, before the age of four, you haven't developed any empathy.
But virtually all vertebrates yawn - so fish, snakes.
But only humans and chimpanzees, dogs, budgies
have a contagion of yawning. Fish are yawning? Yes.
That puts an entirely different perspective on fishing, doesn't it?
There's even, darling -
there's even interspecies contagion of yawning.
So a human and a dog might -
one yawns and it sets the other one off...
Oh, that's me now. That's so sweet.
And you're going to love this. Babies yawn in the womb.
Have a look at this tiny bit of footage.
Let me out!
Yeah, he's yawning, Sandi! He's yawning. He's yawning.
Here's a good word to take away, which I really love - pandiculation.
Pandiculation is yawning and stretching at the same time
and just for any women using Prozac or using antidepressant drugs,
there is a side effect that you can get which is the yawning orgasm,
is that you have an orgasm every time you yawn.
That takes me back to my honeymoon.
And it may be that it's not contagious at all.
I mean, we don't really know.
Let's have a quick look at a yawn-ometer
and see if it sets the audience off.
We have a VT of different people yawning.
Oh, he's off, he's off straight away.
There's people there actually trying to grip their mouths shut.
Does it make you feel like you want to yawn, does it?
Yeah. It is a very strange feeling, isn't it?
And it's possible it's more contagious between
people who know each other, between family and friends.
Either yawning is catching or the audience think
it's time for us to end the show. So, let's have a look at the scores.
Publicly shamed in fourth place with -16, it's Alan.
Privately relieved not to have come last,
in third place with no points at all, it's Bridget.
The public place of good, but not quite good enough,
in second place with 6 points, it's Phill.
And in first place with a public display of modesty,
while in private she's fist-pumping and shouting "yay",
with 9 points, it's Victoria.
I'd like to thank Victoria, Phill, Bridget and Alan
and leave you with the words of Irish playwright Brendan Behan
who, a few weeks before his death in 1964, told an interviewer,
"All publicity is good, except an obituary notice."
To the great British public, with love from QI, goodbye.