1 00:00:32,376 --> 00:00:36,856 Hello, and welcome to QI, where tonight we're enjoying 2 00:00:36,856 --> 00:00:40,096 an absolute plethora of painful punishments. 3 00:00:40,096 --> 00:00:42,375 Please welcome the well hung, drawn and quartered, 4 00:00:42,375 --> 00:00:43,855 Jimmy Carr. 5 00:00:48,095 --> 00:00:50,815 A cool cat-o'-nine-tails, Lee Mack. 6 00:00:50,815 --> 00:00:52,735 Thank you. 7 00:00:55,414 --> 00:00:58,214 An irony maiden, Alice Levine. 8 00:01:02,494 --> 00:01:05,973 And, with his neck on the block, Alan Davies. 9 00:01:11,733 --> 00:01:13,853 And their buzzers are all suitably painful. 10 00:01:13,853 --> 00:01:14,893 Jimmy goes... 11 00:01:15,973 --> 00:01:18,012 Oh... Short but sharp, I think. 12 00:01:18,012 --> 00:01:19,652 And Lee goes... 13 00:01:23,252 --> 00:01:24,452 Alice goes... 14 00:01:27,612 --> 00:01:28,851 And Alan goes... 15 00:01:28,851 --> 00:01:31,091 Tottenham Hotspur - 6, Arsenal - 0. 16 00:01:39,251 --> 00:01:41,650 The most painful cut of all. 17 00:01:41,650 --> 00:01:45,370 Question one is all about the place of eternal punishment. 18 00:01:45,370 --> 00:01:49,210 So tell me, how many circles does hell have? 19 00:01:50,330 --> 00:01:52,369 Someone just went... .."Seven!" 20 00:01:56,529 --> 00:01:57,649 Was that for me? 21 00:01:57,649 --> 00:01:58,809 Were you trying to...? 22 00:01:58,809 --> 00:02:01,169 That person was wrong. 23 00:02:01,169 --> 00:02:02,409 No, not seven circles. 24 00:02:02,409 --> 00:02:04,768 It's like Who Wants To Be A Millionaire all over again, 25 00:02:04,768 --> 00:02:07,728 with the coughing. Yes. Seven... Five. 26 00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:09,528 Five, why five? 27 00:02:09,528 --> 00:02:11,408 Did you say hell or the Olympic rings? 28 00:02:14,687 --> 00:02:16,567 These are concentric circles of doom 29 00:02:16,567 --> 00:02:18,727 that, depending on how bad you've been... 30 00:02:18,727 --> 00:02:21,567 Yeah, yeah. It just gets worse and worse and worse and worse and worse, 31 00:02:21,567 --> 00:02:23,047 and then the devil's in the middle. 32 00:02:23,047 --> 00:02:25,687 Who was the person who wrote about the circles of hell? Dante. 33 00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:27,526 Dante, so in Dante's Inferno... 34 00:02:27,526 --> 00:02:30,486 Nine, nine circles of hell. Absolutely, nine circles in hell. 35 00:02:30,486 --> 00:02:33,926 So the first part of the epic poem, the Divine Comedy. 36 00:02:33,926 --> 00:02:36,406 So the seventh circle is the one everybody talks about, 37 00:02:36,406 --> 00:02:38,605 but there's nothing special about it. 38 00:02:38,605 --> 00:02:40,525 It's where murderers are punished. 39 00:02:40,525 --> 00:02:43,685 Oh... Isn't there a weird thing where murderers are punished there, 40 00:02:43,685 --> 00:02:45,805 but then it gets worse if you're a fraudster, 41 00:02:45,805 --> 00:02:47,205 which I'm annoyed about. 42 00:02:55,044 --> 00:02:56,964 It's just made like... There's a murderer, 43 00:02:56,964 --> 00:02:59,884 and then in a worse place there's me and my accountant going, "What?!" 44 00:03:01,204 --> 00:03:02,683 Well, you do strike me, Jimmy, 45 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:05,163 as someone that eventually will murder, as well. 46 00:03:05,163 --> 00:03:06,603 Thank you, Lee. 47 00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:08,883 Just to get out of hell one step at a time. 48 00:03:08,883 --> 00:03:11,003 You're going to end up in the eighth circle of hell. 49 00:03:11,003 --> 00:03:12,563 The eighth? Yes. OK. 50 00:03:12,563 --> 00:03:15,442 It's where fraudsters, pimps, hypocrites, 51 00:03:15,442 --> 00:03:18,202 coin forgers and flatterers are punished in, frankly, various... 52 00:03:18,202 --> 00:03:20,122 Flatterers?! Flatterers?! Flatterers. 53 00:03:20,122 --> 00:03:23,442 You look well, Sandi. Arrrrrgh! 54 00:03:23,442 --> 00:03:26,721 So what? Being a suck-up is as bad as being Jimmy? 55 00:03:28,561 --> 00:03:31,441 I'm using you as... I'm using you... 56 00:03:31,441 --> 00:03:33,881 "As bad as being"?! What?! 57 00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:36,400 Yeah, so flatterers get immersed in dung. 58 00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:38,240 That's their thing. Oh, OK. 59 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:41,160 Quacks have to suffer the ailments that they've caused in life. 60 00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:43,400 People who've tried to predict the future 61 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:47,240 have to walk around with their head on backwards, unable to see ahead... 62 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:49,839 What about Daily Mail readers? Are they at number nine? 63 00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:53,399 We know what circle Jimmy's in, 64 00:03:53,399 --> 00:03:55,999 let's see if anybody else wants one of these. 65 00:03:55,999 --> 00:03:58,119 First circle is just basically limbo, 66 00:03:58,119 --> 00:04:00,038 it's for virtuous non-Christians. 67 00:04:00,038 --> 00:04:01,518 So... Gary Lineker. 68 00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:04,518 Why Gary Lineker? 69 00:04:04,518 --> 00:04:06,958 I just say that about any ex-Tottenham players. 70 00:04:06,958 --> 00:04:09,518 First circle of hell. Straight away. 71 00:04:09,518 --> 00:04:13,117 People in the first limbo have to spend eternity 72 00:04:13,117 --> 00:04:15,277 in an inferior heaven. 73 00:04:15,277 --> 00:04:17,237 So it's a bit like... That sounds all right. 74 00:04:17,237 --> 00:04:19,757 Slightly cheaper furniture. I'm quite into that, yeah. 75 00:04:19,757 --> 00:04:22,197 Things that have to be put together with an Allen key. 76 00:04:22,197 --> 00:04:23,996 Second one is lust. 77 00:04:23,996 --> 00:04:26,596 This is the first of the circles of incontinence. 78 00:04:28,276 --> 00:04:30,516 Can I go back to one, please? 79 00:04:30,516 --> 00:04:33,356 Sexual incontinence, rather than urinary, if I may say so. 80 00:04:33,356 --> 00:04:35,915 OK, got you. So you would be spending your time with Cleopatra, 81 00:04:35,915 --> 00:04:37,475 Helen of Troy, people like that. 82 00:04:37,475 --> 00:04:39,835 And you get to spend time with Helen of Troy? Yeah. 83 00:04:39,835 --> 00:04:42,475 That... Put me down for one of those, yeah. 84 00:04:42,475 --> 00:04:44,675 It's too late - you're already in number eight. 85 00:04:44,675 --> 00:04:46,914 This is quite a sexy circle, isn't it, this one? 86 00:04:46,914 --> 00:04:50,234 Yeah, that's a good circle. Gluttony, that's number three. 87 00:04:50,234 --> 00:04:52,074 Trapped in a vile slush. 88 00:04:52,074 --> 00:04:56,034 Greed is number four... Sorry, what flavour was the slush? 89 00:04:56,034 --> 00:04:58,953 I don't know if... Is it like the blue one? I like the blue one. 90 00:04:58,953 --> 00:05:02,033 You get to be pounded by icy rain, I don't know if you fancy... 91 00:05:02,033 --> 00:05:03,833 Oh, it is, it's literally slush. Yeah. 92 00:05:03,833 --> 00:05:06,393 Is greed on a different category to gluttony? 93 00:05:06,393 --> 00:05:09,313 Yes, and they have to push rocks around pointlessly. 94 00:05:09,313 --> 00:05:12,472 Is there a way of pushing rocks around that isn't pointless? 95 00:05:12,472 --> 00:05:14,952 Yes, if you say it's curling. Curling. 96 00:05:21,432 --> 00:05:23,311 Number five, anger. 97 00:05:23,311 --> 00:05:26,111 And people who are sullen. Sullen, angry types. 98 00:05:26,111 --> 00:05:28,071 Yeah. Heresy is number six. 99 00:05:28,071 --> 00:05:29,871 Violence, number seven. 100 00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:31,951 The final circle, the ninth. 101 00:05:31,951 --> 00:05:34,470 There are four circles within the final circle 102 00:05:34,470 --> 00:05:36,470 and they have different names as they go down. 103 00:05:36,470 --> 00:05:40,230 The worst one is round four, named after Judas Iscariot. 104 00:05:40,230 --> 00:05:44,150 So, hell has nine circles, but if you think that's bad, 105 00:05:44,150 --> 00:05:46,909 Milton Keynes has got 130 roundabouts. 106 00:05:46,909 --> 00:05:49,709 I think that's the wonderful thing about Milton Keynes, 107 00:05:49,709 --> 00:05:52,909 the roundabouts, cos there's lots of chances to turn back. 108 00:05:57,868 --> 00:06:01,828 Now, before you get to hell, can you tell me, where is purgatory? 109 00:06:01,828 --> 00:06:03,228 Milton Keynes. 110 00:06:08,987 --> 00:06:11,667 Bloody marvellous. 111 00:06:11,667 --> 00:06:14,547 I don't even... I don't even mean it. I like Milton Keynes. 112 00:06:14,547 --> 00:06:16,827 It's very nice. They've got a very nice theatre. 113 00:06:16,827 --> 00:06:17,947 Are you really doing 114 00:06:17,947 --> 00:06:20,906 the "some of my best friends are from Milton Keynes"? 115 00:06:20,906 --> 00:06:22,786 So where is purgatory? 116 00:06:22,786 --> 00:06:25,226 Does anybody know what purgatory means? 117 00:06:25,226 --> 00:06:27,346 Is there a difference between purgatory and limbo? 118 00:06:27,346 --> 00:06:29,666 Yes. So, limbo is one of the circles of hell. 119 00:06:29,666 --> 00:06:31,745 It's like the waiting room for heaven, isn't it? 120 00:06:31,745 --> 00:06:33,785 Well, a lot of Christians in the late Middle Ages 121 00:06:33,785 --> 00:06:36,585 believed that humans have to suffer for their earthly sins 122 00:06:36,585 --> 00:06:38,065 before they enter into heaven, 123 00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:40,265 and it was actually a physical place on Earth. 124 00:06:40,265 --> 00:06:43,424 The real debate was where it was. 125 00:06:43,424 --> 00:06:45,464 They're saying it's a place on Earth? 126 00:06:45,464 --> 00:06:47,304 Is it the Trump Tower in New York? 127 00:06:48,704 --> 00:06:51,304 Lots of people used to believe it was under Mount Etna, 128 00:06:51,304 --> 00:06:54,384 but there was a very popular 12th-century text 129 00:06:54,384 --> 00:06:57,423 called The Treatise of St Patrick's Purgatory, 130 00:06:57,423 --> 00:06:59,423 and it persuaded a lot of Catholics 131 00:06:59,423 --> 00:07:02,103 that, in fact, purgatory was a cave in Ireland, 132 00:07:02,103 --> 00:07:06,862 on Station Island, so it's in a lake called Lough Derg in County Donegal, 133 00:07:06,862 --> 00:07:08,902 and it appeared as a physical location 134 00:07:08,902 --> 00:07:10,422 on loads and loads of medieval maps. 135 00:07:10,422 --> 00:07:15,342 This is actually one from 1666, and lots of people believe 136 00:07:15,342 --> 00:07:18,581 that this cave was the portal to purgatory. 137 00:07:18,581 --> 00:07:23,221 15,000 people a year still go on a pilgrimage to this place. 138 00:07:23,221 --> 00:07:24,981 Is that...? Is that it? Yes. 139 00:07:24,981 --> 00:07:27,221 It's all built-up now? Yes, it is. 140 00:07:27,221 --> 00:07:28,541 People hope to go to purgatory, 141 00:07:28,541 --> 00:07:30,460 because only saints went straight to heaven. 142 00:07:30,460 --> 00:07:32,180 Unrepentant sinners went to hell, 143 00:07:32,180 --> 00:07:34,820 so, honestly, purgatory was your top option - 144 00:07:34,820 --> 00:07:37,820 and then, while you were there, your soul would burn in flames 145 00:07:37,820 --> 00:07:40,020 until it was clean enough to get into heaven. 146 00:07:40,020 --> 00:07:41,420 Oh, well, that sounds nice. 147 00:07:41,420 --> 00:07:44,139 He looks like he's just won the Showstopper on Bake-Off. 148 00:07:51,179 --> 00:07:52,859 And he's even got the audacity... 149 00:07:52,859 --> 00:07:55,298 "This is my recipe, if anyone wants to read about..." 150 00:07:55,298 --> 00:07:56,458 Well, funnily enough, Lee, 151 00:07:56,458 --> 00:07:58,698 there were two ways to get your soul out of purgatory, 152 00:07:58,698 --> 00:08:01,858 and one of them was to give people cake to eat on your behalf. No! 153 00:08:01,858 --> 00:08:03,378 That was a way of doing it. 154 00:08:03,378 --> 00:08:05,657 So on the evening before All Souls' Day, 155 00:08:05,657 --> 00:08:07,137 poor people would go door to door 156 00:08:07,137 --> 00:08:09,417 and they would offer to say prayers for the dead... 157 00:08:09,417 --> 00:08:10,617 A banana. ..in return... 158 00:08:10,617 --> 00:08:12,857 Well... Yes, that does appear to be a banana - 159 00:08:12,857 --> 00:08:14,137 but in return for food. 160 00:08:14,137 --> 00:08:16,417 They were called soul cakes, and... 161 00:08:16,417 --> 00:08:18,776 That looks like one of those cons at the fairground 162 00:08:18,776 --> 00:08:20,776 where you're never going to win a goldfish, 163 00:08:20,776 --> 00:08:22,576 it's never going over that cross, is it? 164 00:08:24,216 --> 00:08:26,936 The other way, which was much simpler if you were wealthy... 165 00:08:26,936 --> 00:08:30,055 I don't know why I'm looking at you, Jimmy. 166 00:08:30,055 --> 00:08:32,895 ..you could pay institutions to pray for your soul on your deathbed 167 00:08:32,895 --> 00:08:35,215 and thus cleanse your soul and let you into heaven - 168 00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:36,855 you didn't need to do it yourself. 169 00:08:36,855 --> 00:08:37,975 You can today. 170 00:08:37,975 --> 00:08:40,095 There are nuns, particularly in the United States, 171 00:08:40,095 --> 00:08:42,374 that you can pay per prayer to pray for you. 172 00:08:42,374 --> 00:08:44,094 So if you haven't got time... Come on! Yes. 173 00:08:44,094 --> 00:08:45,694 They've got a webcam. 174 00:08:47,334 --> 00:08:49,814 Might be different nuns. I'm pretty sure it's the same. 175 00:08:53,453 --> 00:08:57,893 OK, which of these punishments would you rather receive? 176 00:08:57,893 --> 00:09:01,733 The penalty of the sack, an Assyrian parking fine, 177 00:09:01,733 --> 00:09:04,332 or be forced to wear a drunkard's cloak? 178 00:09:04,332 --> 00:09:06,492 Are they all worse than they sound? 179 00:09:06,492 --> 00:09:08,772 Well, certainly the parking fines is hideous. 180 00:09:08,772 --> 00:09:11,492 So, we're talking 700 BC, what do you think the parking fine 181 00:09:11,492 --> 00:09:12,972 might have been in 700 BC? 182 00:09:12,972 --> 00:09:15,251 Well, I don't know, but I know after 30 days, 183 00:09:15,251 --> 00:09:17,611 it doubles if you don't remember to pay. 184 00:09:17,611 --> 00:09:19,091 What are you parking in Assyria? 185 00:09:19,091 --> 00:09:21,371 Chariot or a horse or a camel or anything you like. 186 00:09:21,371 --> 00:09:23,411 Where is Assyria? Is it Syria? 187 00:09:23,411 --> 00:09:25,651 It's modern northern Iraq, 188 00:09:25,651 --> 00:09:28,050 south-eastern Turkey, north-western fringes of Iran, 189 00:09:28,050 --> 00:09:30,370 it's an area that's now divided up into other countries - 190 00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:32,650 and there was a king called Sennacherib, 191 00:09:32,650 --> 00:09:34,610 and he announced a parking restriction 192 00:09:34,610 --> 00:09:36,050 on the kingdom's royal road, 193 00:09:36,050 --> 00:09:37,610 so you couldn't build anything on it, 194 00:09:37,610 --> 00:09:39,489 you couldn't park your chariot out front, 195 00:09:39,489 --> 00:09:43,449 and if you did, you were impaled on a stake 196 00:09:43,449 --> 00:09:46,689 and planted in your own garden. 197 00:09:46,689 --> 00:09:49,649 And that's for a single yellow or a double yellow? 198 00:09:49,649 --> 00:09:51,848 What if your horse has just broken down? 199 00:09:53,928 --> 00:09:55,688 Got his hazards on. 200 00:09:55,688 --> 00:09:58,248 As long as he blinks like that, that's all right, the horse... 201 00:09:58,248 --> 00:10:00,048 But they actually had a sign that said, 202 00:10:00,048 --> 00:10:03,087 "Royal road, let no man decrease it", and so... 203 00:10:03,087 --> 00:10:05,007 This is 2,700 years ago, 204 00:10:05,007 --> 00:10:07,487 it would've been in cuneiform, Akkadian cuneiform. 205 00:10:07,487 --> 00:10:11,647 What is really interesting is that that average person at that time 206 00:10:11,647 --> 00:10:13,247 was able to read. 207 00:10:13,247 --> 00:10:16,166 You don't think that's a thing 2,700 years ago, 208 00:10:16,166 --> 00:10:18,766 that somebody might have had, A, a sign about parking... 209 00:10:18,766 --> 00:10:21,206 I suppose not understanding the signs 210 00:10:21,206 --> 00:10:24,246 meaning you end up impaled and planted in your garden 211 00:10:24,246 --> 00:10:26,245 is a good motivation for reading. 212 00:10:26,245 --> 00:10:28,365 You're saying it's like it's more of a punishment, 213 00:10:28,365 --> 00:10:30,685 "in your OWN garden". Why is that bit so bad? 214 00:10:30,685 --> 00:10:32,045 You might have landscaped, 215 00:10:32,045 --> 00:10:35,405 you might have got your lovely front garden sorted, and then you... 216 00:10:35,405 --> 00:10:38,124 Yeah, you've just put the leylandii in, it's all looking nice. 217 00:10:38,124 --> 00:10:40,484 You'd be like one of those weather cocks, wouldn't you? 218 00:10:40,484 --> 00:10:42,044 You'd swing around with the wind. 219 00:10:42,044 --> 00:10:44,284 And if you've died like that, you could always point 220 00:10:44,284 --> 00:10:45,724 in the direction of the wind. 221 00:10:47,364 --> 00:10:51,363 Just imagine, if you, I don't know, say your husband has been impaled 222 00:10:51,363 --> 00:10:54,123 on a stake and planted in the garden, you spend all your time 223 00:10:54,123 --> 00:10:56,043 going, "Yeah, but where have you put the car?" 224 00:10:59,123 --> 00:11:01,522 Yeah, the horse is in a pound somewhere... 225 00:11:01,522 --> 00:11:03,042 Also impaled on a stake. 226 00:11:03,042 --> 00:11:04,522 I mean, impale the horse, not me! 227 00:11:04,522 --> 00:11:06,682 Stashed all the parking tickets in its mouth. 228 00:11:06,682 --> 00:11:08,042 "Look at them all!" 229 00:11:08,042 --> 00:11:09,882 "Look at how many you've ignored!" 230 00:11:09,882 --> 00:11:11,442 Right, well, other punishments. 231 00:11:11,442 --> 00:11:14,041 The penalty of the sack, or a drunkard's cloak. 232 00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:15,201 What do you fancy? 233 00:11:15,201 --> 00:11:17,681 Penalty of the sack, that... it doesn't sound too bad. 234 00:11:17,681 --> 00:11:19,721 Maybe a waxing? 235 00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,281 I'll have that, it's not too bad. 236 00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:23,800 It's an ancient Roman punishment. It was called... 237 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,320 Couple of clothes pegs. 238 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:30,840 It's called poena cullei, 239 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:33,120 it's an ancient Roman punishment for parricide. 240 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:34,760 Anybody know what parricide is? 241 00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:36,839 Parricide, killing someone in the family? 242 00:11:36,839 --> 00:11:38,199 Killing your parents. 243 00:11:38,199 --> 00:11:41,799 It must have been popular enough to merit a separate punishment. 244 00:11:41,799 --> 00:11:45,399 It involved being whipped, stitched into a leather sack 245 00:11:45,399 --> 00:11:46,759 and thrown into the sea. 246 00:11:46,759 --> 00:11:49,798 The Emperor Hadrian adjusted the law by including animals in the sack, 247 00:11:49,798 --> 00:11:51,798 along with the victims. 248 00:11:51,798 --> 00:11:54,238 You might have a dog or a cockerel, a snake or a monkey. 249 00:11:54,238 --> 00:11:56,918 We're not really sure whether that was just a deterrent, 250 00:11:56,918 --> 00:11:58,837 or they really did look for the animals, 251 00:11:58,837 --> 00:12:01,637 but we do know it survived into the 18th century in Germany, 252 00:12:01,637 --> 00:12:02,837 and monkeys and snakes, 253 00:12:02,837 --> 00:12:04,517 really hard to source. 254 00:12:04,517 --> 00:12:06,037 So, in 1715... 255 00:12:06,037 --> 00:12:08,357 Oh, I thought you meant when you're cooking them, sorry. 256 00:12:08,357 --> 00:12:09,877 Oh, I see, yes. 257 00:12:09,877 --> 00:12:11,756 You'd have a bearnaise or something, yeah. 258 00:12:11,756 --> 00:12:14,276 So, they were very difficult to source, so in 1715, 259 00:12:14,276 --> 00:12:17,476 there was one man who was "sacked" with a dog, 260 00:12:17,476 --> 00:12:20,476 a cockerel, a cat and a picture of a snake. 261 00:12:22,235 --> 00:12:24,035 It's the thought that counts. 262 00:12:24,035 --> 00:12:26,075 Drawn by a child. 263 00:12:26,075 --> 00:12:28,035 What about the drunkard's cloak? 264 00:12:28,035 --> 00:12:31,195 It's something metallic that is impaled upon you? 265 00:12:31,195 --> 00:12:32,715 No, wooden. 266 00:12:32,715 --> 00:12:35,434 In the 1640s - and I think you're going to find this hard to credit - 267 00:12:35,434 --> 00:12:39,234 Newcastle upon Tyne had a problem with drunkenness in the streets. 268 00:12:39,234 --> 00:12:40,794 Oh, shut up! No way. 269 00:12:43,354 --> 00:12:45,833 What I know about Newcastle, and I know it quite well, 270 00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:49,833 is no-one there wears a cloak of any kind, no matter what the weather. 271 00:12:49,833 --> 00:12:52,433 So the initial punishment was to put the offender in the stocks, 272 00:12:52,433 --> 00:12:54,753 but if that didn't work, they would take a barrel, 273 00:12:54,753 --> 00:12:57,392 and they would cut the bottom off it, and they would cut holes 274 00:12:57,392 --> 00:13:00,152 like this, one for the head, two for the hands, 275 00:13:00,152 --> 00:13:03,352 and they would force the drunk to parade around town. 276 00:13:03,352 --> 00:13:06,032 I think he's more of a medium. He's wearing an extra large there, 277 00:13:06,032 --> 00:13:08,911 and it's not hugging in the right places. 278 00:13:08,911 --> 00:13:10,911 That's not overly flattering. 279 00:13:10,911 --> 00:13:13,151 He looks as if he's about to tell quite a fun story. 280 00:13:13,151 --> 00:13:15,951 Yeah. "All I did was I parked the chariot..." 281 00:13:15,951 --> 00:13:17,511 It's a very unfortunate outfit, 282 00:13:17,511 --> 00:13:19,391 because drunk people fall over a lot. 283 00:13:19,391 --> 00:13:21,870 If he falls over, he's not getting back up very easily. 284 00:13:21,870 --> 00:13:23,710 No. He could end up miles away. 285 00:13:24,870 --> 00:13:26,630 Over a waterfall or something. 286 00:13:26,630 --> 00:13:29,150 What's she got on her head? Scold's bridle. 287 00:13:29,150 --> 00:13:30,790 She's wearing a scold's bridle 288 00:13:30,790 --> 00:13:33,549 and it was something that was done for nagging women. 289 00:13:33,549 --> 00:13:35,549 You can't really see from here, but it had a piece 290 00:13:35,549 --> 00:13:37,949 that went into the mouth and prevented her from speaking. 291 00:13:37,949 --> 00:13:39,709 And where can you get these? 292 00:13:42,869 --> 00:13:45,948 In ancient Jewish culture, and indeed in Athens, 293 00:13:45,948 --> 00:13:48,508 male body hair was valued, 294 00:13:48,508 --> 00:13:51,668 and one punishment was punitive depilation. 295 00:13:51,668 --> 00:13:53,708 Oh, that sounds painful! Oh, yes. 296 00:13:53,708 --> 00:13:56,787 They burnt off your anal and pubic hair. 297 00:13:56,787 --> 00:14:00,107 I've had that done. Punitive depilation! 298 00:14:00,107 --> 00:14:03,147 Have you had that done? Oh, it looks amazing now. 299 00:14:03,147 --> 00:14:04,747 Like a runway. 300 00:14:04,747 --> 00:14:06,707 Everyone likes a clean work surface. 301 00:14:08,506 --> 00:14:10,666 Yours is Formica, though, isn't it, Jimmy? 302 00:14:11,946 --> 00:14:14,226 Apparently men found it emasculating 303 00:14:14,226 --> 00:14:17,786 because women often singed off their hair as a beauty thing, 304 00:14:17,786 --> 00:14:19,865 and men did not like having this done to them. 305 00:14:19,865 --> 00:14:23,465 Well, I imagine having it done to you wouldn't be great, would it? No. 306 00:14:23,465 --> 00:14:26,705 I think, fire and genitals - try and keep 'em away. Yeah! 307 00:14:26,705 --> 00:14:31,584 OK. What's the best punishment to keep people punctual? 308 00:14:31,584 --> 00:14:33,344 I haven't encountered it yet, 309 00:14:33,344 --> 00:14:35,944 because I'm a very late person, so... Why? 310 00:14:35,944 --> 00:14:38,784 It drives me mad! I know! Sandi, I know! 311 00:14:38,784 --> 00:14:41,384 You were supposed to be on last week's show, weren't you? Yeah! 312 00:14:45,663 --> 00:14:48,863 Why...? If you make an arrangement, why can't you turn up on time? 313 00:14:48,863 --> 00:14:51,663 Because I do the thing where I think as long as I leave the house 314 00:14:51,663 --> 00:14:54,422 before the arrangement starts, then it's fine. I do the same. 315 00:14:54,422 --> 00:14:56,702 Wow. It hasn't started yet - we'll be all right. 316 00:14:56,702 --> 00:14:58,822 Yeah, exactly. "But it's in Wales!" 317 00:14:58,822 --> 00:15:01,822 There's a name for people like you - it's called selfish. 318 00:15:03,102 --> 00:15:05,382 I'm always on time, Sandi. What about you, Jimmy? 319 00:15:05,382 --> 00:15:08,261 I've been late once in my professional career. 320 00:15:08,261 --> 00:15:11,261 I was late for a gig in Blackburn by two hours 321 00:15:11,261 --> 00:15:12,661 because the train just stopped. 322 00:15:12,661 --> 00:15:14,461 It was... Yeah... 323 00:15:14,461 --> 00:15:15,741 Did they wait? 324 00:15:15,741 --> 00:15:18,100 Well, the annoying thing was I had to buy everyone a drink. 325 00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:19,980 Yeah, with your audience that's only 18 quid. 326 00:15:25,340 --> 00:15:26,820 Boom! 327 00:15:26,820 --> 00:15:29,059 I once had a gig in Torquay, 328 00:15:29,059 --> 00:15:32,139 and I was told I could fly down to the area... 329 00:15:32,139 --> 00:15:34,659 You can't fly! 330 00:15:34,659 --> 00:15:37,379 These magic beans, Sandi? 331 00:15:37,379 --> 00:15:39,579 BA had a flight going from Gatwick. 332 00:15:39,579 --> 00:15:43,258 Anyway, the flight was cancelled, so I went out to the cab rank 333 00:15:43,258 --> 00:15:45,178 and I got in a black cab and I said, 334 00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:47,178 "Will you please take me to Torquay?" 335 00:15:47,178 --> 00:15:48,938 and we were ten minutes late. 336 00:15:48,938 --> 00:15:50,378 No! Wow. Yeah. 337 00:15:50,378 --> 00:15:54,097 The bill was eye-watering. 338 00:15:54,097 --> 00:15:56,857 Well, that's always the cheapest way to do it, isn't it? A BLACK cab. 339 00:15:58,577 --> 00:16:02,217 Anyway, best punishment to keep people punctual? 340 00:16:02,217 --> 00:16:05,416 Screaming very loudly and saying, "No Haribos on Saturday" - 341 00:16:05,416 --> 00:16:07,056 that works at my house. 342 00:16:07,056 --> 00:16:08,496 And what about the kids? 343 00:16:10,616 --> 00:16:14,256 Is it impaling people and planting them in their own garden? 344 00:16:20,655 --> 00:16:23,575 I still think punitive depilation is the best punishment... 345 00:16:24,935 --> 00:16:26,615 Burn off their anal hair. 346 00:16:26,615 --> 00:16:29,734 It's guilt, is the very best thing. 347 00:16:29,734 --> 00:16:32,814 So what does not work is fining people for being late. 348 00:16:32,814 --> 00:16:35,494 So they did a study, two Israeli economists, 349 00:16:35,494 --> 00:16:39,733 and they found that punctuality gets worse with a financial penalty. 350 00:16:39,733 --> 00:16:43,533 So they had ten Israeli daycare centres, and some of them, 351 00:16:43,533 --> 00:16:45,613 if the parents were late picking up the kids, 352 00:16:45,613 --> 00:16:47,453 they just had to make peace with the teacher. 353 00:16:47,453 --> 00:16:50,533 Then they changed the system and they brought in a small fine - 354 00:16:50,533 --> 00:16:52,692 it was about £2 - as a penalty for lateness, 355 00:16:52,692 --> 00:16:56,492 and punctuality immediately got worse - 356 00:16:56,492 --> 00:16:58,132 and eventually it stabilised, 357 00:16:58,132 --> 00:17:00,932 but it stabilised at twice the original level. 358 00:17:00,932 --> 00:17:03,171 People are happier to pay a small fine 359 00:17:03,171 --> 00:17:04,971 than they are to face the guilt... 360 00:17:04,971 --> 00:17:06,851 Because you feel you've paid your dues then. 361 00:17:06,851 --> 00:17:09,491 Doesn't matter, I've paid for it! It's fine. Just up the fine. 362 00:17:09,491 --> 00:17:12,651 Yeah, I'd pay £2 - I wouldn't pay £200 to be late. 363 00:17:12,651 --> 00:17:14,290 I think if the daycare centre said, 364 00:17:14,290 --> 00:17:16,170 "If you're ten minutes late, it's 200 quid," 365 00:17:16,170 --> 00:17:17,650 you'd say, "You can keep the kid!" 366 00:17:20,890 --> 00:17:22,770 "We liked him, we didn't LOVE him." 367 00:17:23,890 --> 00:17:26,249 "We have others. It's fine." 368 00:17:26,249 --> 00:17:28,169 "They're older and can make tea." 369 00:17:29,529 --> 00:17:32,129 There have been places, of course, where it's appalling. 370 00:17:32,129 --> 00:17:37,049 The Qin dynasty in China, their punishment for lateness was death. 371 00:17:37,049 --> 00:17:38,888 What, all lateness? That is worse. 372 00:17:38,888 --> 00:17:41,208 Any government worker who turned up late for work, 373 00:17:41,208 --> 00:17:44,368 whatever the excuse, was killed. 374 00:17:44,368 --> 00:17:47,248 So, even on the first day, when you...? Yeah, doesn't matter. 375 00:17:47,248 --> 00:17:49,168 So, 209 BC, this led to an uprising. 376 00:17:49,168 --> 00:17:52,527 There were two officers called Chen Sheng and Wu Guang, 377 00:17:52,527 --> 00:17:54,887 and they were delayed on a journey by torrential rain - 378 00:17:54,887 --> 00:17:56,207 so totally not their fault. 379 00:17:56,207 --> 00:17:59,727 They had been ordered to lead 900 soldiers to a place called Yuyang, 380 00:17:59,727 --> 00:18:02,286 to help defend the northern border, and they were delayed, 381 00:18:02,286 --> 00:18:04,526 and they thought, "Oh, we've got nothing to lose..." 382 00:18:04,526 --> 00:18:06,606 Black cab? Yeah, get a black cab. 383 00:18:06,606 --> 00:18:09,006 "..nothing to lose, we might as well start a rebellion," 384 00:18:09,006 --> 00:18:12,925 and some 20,000 thought, "Yeah, that's fair enough," 385 00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,165 and they joined in with the 900. 386 00:18:15,165 --> 00:18:17,885 Unfortunately, they did become the new regime, 387 00:18:17,885 --> 00:18:19,925 but they were just as paranoid and arbitrary 388 00:18:19,925 --> 00:18:21,445 and murderous as the previous one, 389 00:18:21,445 --> 00:18:24,404 and both men were assassinated by their own bodyguards. 390 00:18:24,404 --> 00:18:29,284 Now, what do parrots think of the dead parrot sketch? 391 00:18:30,364 --> 00:18:32,004 Oh, actually, I know this one. Yes? 392 00:18:32,004 --> 00:18:34,644 Is it that they don't think anything cos they're not aware of it, 393 00:18:34,644 --> 00:18:37,003 what the hell are you on about, Sandi? 394 00:18:40,003 --> 00:18:42,243 They don't know about it, so they don't think anything 395 00:18:42,243 --> 00:18:45,243 any more than those candles think about...Ronnie Barker. 396 00:18:45,243 --> 00:18:46,323 They don't care. 397 00:18:47,642 --> 00:18:51,202 I mean, they are intelligent enough to observe things. 398 00:18:52,522 --> 00:18:54,402 You mean, they can see?! They can see?! 399 00:18:56,602 --> 00:18:59,881 Cos I can see, and I'm thick as pig shit. 400 00:18:59,881 --> 00:19:01,761 That's so a teacher writing the school report 401 00:19:01,761 --> 00:19:04,441 trying to think of something good. 402 00:19:04,441 --> 00:19:07,281 They can see brilliantly well. They can see more colours than we can. 403 00:19:07,281 --> 00:19:10,561 They have astonishing... That's what they say! 404 00:19:10,561 --> 00:19:12,800 So they can they see more colours than us? Yes, they can. 405 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:14,800 So which ones can they see that we can't see? 406 00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,960 There's a whole extra range in the ultraviolet range 407 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:18,560 that they can see that we can't see. 408 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:20,800 Well, if we can't see them, how do we know they exist? 409 00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:23,519 Lots of birds can see ultraviolet 410 00:19:23,519 --> 00:19:28,199 and they can see... animals' urine on the ground, 411 00:19:28,199 --> 00:19:30,439 and that's how they know there's a burrow. 412 00:19:30,439 --> 00:19:32,279 How about that! That's very good. 413 00:19:32,279 --> 00:19:35,238 So when they're swooping around, looking for prey, and they think, 414 00:19:35,238 --> 00:19:37,318 "Oh, look, they're over there," 415 00:19:37,318 --> 00:19:40,758 cos lots of those small rodents are incontinent. 416 00:19:40,758 --> 00:19:44,238 This is all God's will, right? "I'm going to set this up." 417 00:19:44,238 --> 00:19:47,837 "That one can see wee, that one keeps pissing itself." 418 00:19:47,837 --> 00:19:51,277 Let the games begin! Let the games begin! 419 00:19:52,797 --> 00:19:55,197 "Oh, I can't stop pissing!" 420 00:19:55,197 --> 00:19:57,597 "Look at all the wee! Look at all the wee!" 421 00:19:57,597 --> 00:19:59,316 "Get in the hole! Get in the hole!" 422 00:19:59,316 --> 00:20:01,396 That's the only thing. If they can't get in... 423 00:20:01,396 --> 00:20:03,956 It must be awful if you're a vole and running with your mummy, 424 00:20:03,956 --> 00:20:05,596 and you look up and you see one, and go, 425 00:20:05,596 --> 00:20:07,396 "I'm terrified, I'm going to wet myself." 426 00:20:07,396 --> 00:20:10,155 "Don't wet yourself! Do not wet yourself!" 427 00:20:10,155 --> 00:20:12,595 "I can't help it!" 428 00:20:12,595 --> 00:20:16,075 But their fatal flaw is they have to go out the hole to do a wee - 429 00:20:16,075 --> 00:20:18,235 they don't like to do a wee in the hole, you see. 430 00:20:18,235 --> 00:20:21,754 Get a bloody en-suite. What are you doing?! 431 00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:23,914 Can you tell us this absolute crazy fact, then? 432 00:20:23,914 --> 00:20:26,434 Cos I'm really going to pull you up on it, whatever you say. 433 00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:28,514 Puerto Rican parrots - I'm being very specific - 434 00:20:28,514 --> 00:20:31,194 are an endangered species, and what the authorities want to do 435 00:20:31,194 --> 00:20:32,873 is they want to raise some in captivity 436 00:20:32,873 --> 00:20:34,633 and then release them into the wild. 437 00:20:34,633 --> 00:20:37,633 Here is the problem - they are not aware of predators, 438 00:20:37,633 --> 00:20:41,113 so they have to be trained to watch out for predators, 439 00:20:41,113 --> 00:20:43,473 otherwise they will simply be released into the wild 440 00:20:43,473 --> 00:20:46,352 and captured immediately by something that wants to kill it. 441 00:20:46,352 --> 00:20:47,592 Like John Cleese? 442 00:20:49,072 --> 00:20:50,312 Probably more like a hawk. 443 00:20:50,312 --> 00:20:53,272 So what they do is they have a programme of training them, 444 00:20:53,272 --> 00:20:54,592 to be aware of predators 445 00:20:54,592 --> 00:20:58,111 so they might fly a hawk-shaped cut-out over the aviary, 446 00:20:58,111 --> 00:20:59,831 they might play hawk calls, 447 00:20:59,831 --> 00:21:03,511 they might allow a live hawk to attack the cage. 448 00:21:03,511 --> 00:21:05,791 The final stage - 449 00:21:05,791 --> 00:21:09,550 they stage a parrot murder scene 450 00:21:09,550 --> 00:21:13,590 and they make the trainee parrots watch. OK? 451 00:21:13,590 --> 00:21:17,910 So sorry, but this is a Pixar movie, isn't it? 452 00:21:17,910 --> 00:21:19,270 So we get the learner parrot 453 00:21:19,270 --> 00:21:23,909 and it faces another parrot who's wearing a small leather vest. 454 00:21:23,909 --> 00:21:27,069 What are you talking about, Sandi?! 455 00:21:27,069 --> 00:21:28,429 You've lost your mind! 456 00:21:28,429 --> 00:21:30,709 There's a straight parrot and a gay parrot... Yes. 457 00:21:32,348 --> 00:21:34,348 Sandi, can I ask you a question? Yeah. 458 00:21:34,348 --> 00:21:36,948 When you were painting and decorating in that blouse today, 459 00:21:36,948 --> 00:21:38,188 did you inhale it? 460 00:21:44,147 --> 00:21:47,147 So what happens...? So Freddie Mercury parrot, in the leather... 461 00:21:47,147 --> 00:21:48,867 Yes, you've got one in the leather jacket, 462 00:21:48,867 --> 00:21:51,387 and the trainee parrot, I'm going to call it. 463 00:21:51,387 --> 00:21:54,467 So it's a waistcoat...? It's more like a flak jacket, really. Sure. 464 00:21:54,467 --> 00:21:55,506 OK? Yeah. 465 00:21:55,506 --> 00:21:58,906 So a hawk is released to attack the parrot in the flak jacket... 466 00:21:58,906 --> 00:22:01,306 And he's been told just to attack the one in the flak jacket? 467 00:22:01,306 --> 00:22:02,466 Don't go near the other one. 468 00:22:02,466 --> 00:22:05,026 No, the learner one is being protected - it's just watching. 469 00:22:05,026 --> 00:22:08,065 The one that's attacked, obviously it has a bad time, it screams, 470 00:22:08,065 --> 00:22:10,905 but it's protected by the clothing, so it doesn't die, 471 00:22:10,905 --> 00:22:16,745 and the trainee parrot learns to be wary of hawks in the future, 472 00:22:16,745 --> 00:22:19,664 and it absolutely seems to be working. 473 00:22:19,664 --> 00:22:21,464 I mean... What? 474 00:22:21,464 --> 00:22:23,784 I mean, it sounds to me that evolution is trying to get rid 475 00:22:23,784 --> 00:22:25,904 of these little buggers anyway. 476 00:22:25,904 --> 00:22:28,664 Sounds awful. It does sound awful, doesn't it? 477 00:22:28,664 --> 00:22:34,103 Parrots are the only non-human animal to play the drums. 478 00:22:34,103 --> 00:22:35,943 Oh, she's off again! 479 00:22:37,463 --> 00:22:41,502 The male Northern Australian palm cockatoo, so that's a giant parrot, 480 00:22:41,502 --> 00:22:45,382 it beats out rhythms on hollow trees with seed buds to impress females. 481 00:22:45,382 --> 00:22:49,462 It has a regular non-random beat, and it even trims down the sticks 482 00:22:49,462 --> 00:22:52,262 to get the length right, it is so keen to get it right. 483 00:22:52,262 --> 00:22:54,621 Do we have any footage of this, or is it a made-up thing? 484 00:22:54,621 --> 00:22:57,021 We don't have footage of it cos... Oh, it's a made-up thing. 485 00:22:57,021 --> 00:22:58,101 Yeah, OK. 486 00:22:58,101 --> 00:23:00,301 We don't have footage because we couldn't afford it. 487 00:23:02,701 --> 00:23:06,100 To parrots, the dead parrot sketch is not so much a comedy 488 00:23:06,100 --> 00:23:08,820 as a harrowing infomercial. 489 00:23:08,820 --> 00:23:11,060 Now for another question on pet punishment. 490 00:23:11,060 --> 00:23:13,740 Why do cats hate Hitler? 491 00:23:13,740 --> 00:23:16,499 Well, he loved dogs, didn't he? He did, he loved German shepherds. 492 00:23:16,499 --> 00:23:17,939 Is there any connection with that? 493 00:23:17,939 --> 00:23:20,979 I think it's fair to say cats and dogs would have hated Hitler. 494 00:23:20,979 --> 00:23:23,499 So he was responsible for which war? 495 00:23:23,499 --> 00:23:26,819 I tell you what, this show's really dumbed down, hasn't it? 496 00:23:26,819 --> 00:23:29,098 Is the Second World War, Sandi?! 497 00:23:30,538 --> 00:23:32,738 He was the baddie with the tache, weren't he? 498 00:23:33,898 --> 00:23:37,818 I've worked with you so often, I'm trying to tailor the material, Lee. 499 00:23:40,617 --> 00:23:43,257 Hundreds of thousands of cats and dogs were killed off. 500 00:23:43,257 --> 00:23:45,697 In the first four days of the war alone, in World War II, 501 00:23:45,697 --> 00:23:47,457 400,000 cats and dogs were put down, 502 00:23:47,457 --> 00:23:49,777 so a quarter of the pets that were in London, 503 00:23:49,777 --> 00:23:52,096 and the whole massacre was a horrible mistake. 504 00:23:52,096 --> 00:23:54,736 So the government body which made provision for British animals 505 00:23:54,736 --> 00:23:57,416 was called the National Air Raid Precautions Animals Committee, 506 00:23:57,416 --> 00:23:58,616 or NARPAC. 507 00:23:58,616 --> 00:24:01,296 They issued advice just before the war to pet owners 508 00:24:01,296 --> 00:24:04,935 about what to do in an immediate emergency, and it said, 509 00:24:04,935 --> 00:24:07,215 "If you can't get your animals to the countryside," 510 00:24:07,215 --> 00:24:09,935 "then the kindest thing to do would be to have them destroyed," 511 00:24:09,935 --> 00:24:11,295 and everybody overreacted - 512 00:24:11,295 --> 00:24:13,735 because it didn't mean, "Do it now!" Oh, God. 513 00:24:13,735 --> 00:24:16,534 It just meant, "If things are very, very bad..." The rumours spread. 514 00:24:16,534 --> 00:24:18,734 You would double-check! You wouldn't just be like... 515 00:24:18,734 --> 00:24:21,494 .."What did it say again?" 516 00:24:21,494 --> 00:24:25,414 Is that an advert for a gun to kill your pet? Yeah. 517 00:24:25,414 --> 00:24:28,213 You'd want to do it with a captive bolt pistol, wouldn't you? 518 00:24:28,213 --> 00:24:30,333 "Because he deserves the best." 519 00:24:30,333 --> 00:24:31,533 Oh, that's awful. 520 00:24:31,533 --> 00:24:33,893 People were worried their animals would starve to death. 521 00:24:33,893 --> 00:24:36,613 They were worried that they would panic if there was a bombing raid - 522 00:24:36,613 --> 00:24:38,252 but a lot of animals were killed. 523 00:24:38,252 --> 00:24:40,692 London Zoo beheaded their black widow spider. 524 00:24:40,692 --> 00:24:42,052 "Beheaded"?! Yeah. 525 00:24:42,052 --> 00:24:44,852 I'd have just pulled its legs off, it's the same thing. 526 00:24:44,852 --> 00:24:48,252 Did they kill the black widow spider in case...? In case it escaped. 527 00:24:48,252 --> 00:24:49,532 Escaped, right. Yeah. 528 00:24:49,532 --> 00:24:52,251 Cos, you know, if a bomb lands on the zoo and they all get out, 529 00:24:52,251 --> 00:24:54,891 you'd come out of the air raid shelter, "Thank God for that," 530 00:24:54,891 --> 00:24:56,291 and there's a lion outside. 531 00:24:57,291 --> 00:24:59,011 They also killed a manatee. 532 00:24:59,011 --> 00:25:01,690 A manatee is afraid of its own air bubbles. 533 00:25:03,330 --> 00:25:05,370 A lot of the animals in a lot of the cities of Europe 534 00:25:05,370 --> 00:25:08,090 got eaten, didn't they? Cos they were under siege and starving. 535 00:25:08,090 --> 00:25:10,770 Well, certainly, in the Siege of Paris in 1870... 536 00:25:10,770 --> 00:25:13,569 They ate an elephant, didn't they? ..they ate almost the entire zoo. 537 00:25:13,569 --> 00:25:14,849 In one sitting. 538 00:25:16,209 --> 00:25:18,849 - What a hell of a meal that was. - With a lot of garlic! 539 00:25:18,849 --> 00:25:21,689 Didn't they eat a whole elephant? They ate an elephant, there was... 540 00:25:21,689 --> 00:25:23,569 You could buy slices of elephant trunk. 541 00:25:23,569 --> 00:25:25,168 What does elephant taste like? 542 00:25:25,168 --> 00:25:26,568 You never forget. 543 00:25:29,568 --> 00:25:31,368 I've had hippo. That's very unpleasant. 544 00:25:31,368 --> 00:25:32,888 What do you mean, you've had hippo? 545 00:25:32,888 --> 00:25:34,528 Which bit of the hippo did you have? 546 00:25:34,528 --> 00:25:36,168 I don't know. It was an enormous steak! 547 00:25:37,167 --> 00:25:38,407 Talk about unnecessary. 548 00:25:38,407 --> 00:25:42,247 You're only a little thing, you could have had a guinea pig! 549 00:25:46,807 --> 00:25:50,326 I canoed across Africa, I canoed the Zambezi. You...?! 550 00:25:50,326 --> 00:25:53,526 And in Mozambique, we were invited... Where did we find you? 551 00:25:53,526 --> 00:25:54,966 What are you...? 552 00:25:54,966 --> 00:25:58,406 Why did you do that? Buy a rail ticket like a normal person. 553 00:25:58,406 --> 00:26:00,245 She flies to Torquay! 554 00:26:01,765 --> 00:26:03,965 And she canoes across Africa. 555 00:26:03,965 --> 00:26:06,205 I mean, she's a mystery to us all. 556 00:26:06,205 --> 00:26:10,125 Now, a question about punishing perverts. 557 00:26:10,125 --> 00:26:13,044 Sorry, Jimmy, I don't know why... Why'd you look straight at me?! 558 00:26:14,884 --> 00:26:16,324 You looked straight at me. 559 00:26:16,324 --> 00:26:18,964 You certainly did. You did do that. I mean, straight at me. 560 00:26:18,964 --> 00:26:22,404 I mean... So sorry. No, I mean... I mean... I'm so sorry. 561 00:26:22,404 --> 00:26:25,963 ..you're a very good judge of character, is all I'll say. 562 00:26:25,963 --> 00:26:27,323 - How did she know?! - Sandi... 563 00:26:27,323 --> 00:26:29,123 Sandi, you didn't need to go over there. 564 00:26:29,123 --> 00:26:32,443 he'd have gladly come over and touched you, wouldn't you? 565 00:26:32,443 --> 00:26:34,603 You smell so nice. Oh. Aww. 566 00:26:34,603 --> 00:26:36,362 That's it. Win 'em back, Sandi. 567 00:26:37,482 --> 00:26:39,242 I believe flatterers go to the... 568 00:26:39,242 --> 00:26:42,482 We'll be in the same area of hell if you're a flatterer. 569 00:26:42,482 --> 00:26:47,281 Right, can you spot where this woman's concealed weapon is? 570 00:26:47,281 --> 00:26:49,321 Usually, yes. 571 00:26:49,321 --> 00:26:51,521 What's in between her eyes? 572 00:26:51,521 --> 00:26:53,001 It's a machine gun! 573 00:26:55,441 --> 00:26:57,681 She's wearing a pince-nez. Is it in her hat? 574 00:26:57,681 --> 00:26:59,000 It is in her hat. 575 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,040 What is it? 576 00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:03,080 - Hatpin. - A hatpin, someone said. 577 00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:05,480 Alan is absolutely right. It's a hatpin. 578 00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:07,760 It is a hatpin. Points for the audience. Yeah. 579 00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:09,600 They may have points. Well done! 580 00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:10,799 She's Edwardian. 581 00:27:10,799 --> 00:27:13,039 So, in the late 19th century, early 20th century, 582 00:27:13,039 --> 00:27:14,959 hats got bigger, much more decorative, 583 00:27:14,959 --> 00:27:16,599 they had fruit on them, and feathers, 584 00:27:16,599 --> 00:27:19,199 and women needed pins to fasten them to their hair, 585 00:27:19,199 --> 00:27:20,559 these rather elaborate hats - 586 00:27:20,559 --> 00:27:23,318 and they were fantastically useful, apparently. 587 00:27:23,318 --> 00:27:25,398 One San Francisco publication 588 00:27:25,398 --> 00:27:28,318 said it could "pick a lock, open an ink bottle" 589 00:27:28,318 --> 00:27:30,318 "or furtively spear a pickle." 590 00:27:31,598 --> 00:27:33,997 There you go. They grew to over ten inches long, 591 00:27:33,997 --> 00:27:36,397 and there was a type of man called a masher - 592 00:27:36,397 --> 00:27:38,917 so these were lecherous men, who took advantage of the fact 593 00:27:38,917 --> 00:27:42,077 that women were increasingly beginning to travel unchaperoned, 594 00:27:42,077 --> 00:27:45,196 and women started using their hatpins for self-defence, 595 00:27:45,196 --> 00:27:47,276 and there were all sorts of newspaper reports 596 00:27:47,276 --> 00:27:48,716 across Europe and across America - 597 00:27:48,716 --> 00:27:51,836 Women who had foiled robbers or muggers with hatpins. 598 00:27:51,836 --> 00:27:55,076 Or masseurs, apparently, cos he's just giving her a nice back massage 599 00:27:55,076 --> 00:27:57,515 and she's like, "Like it. Don't like it!" 600 00:27:57,515 --> 00:27:59,995 It's worse than that. He was just doing the conga. 601 00:28:01,515 --> 00:28:03,235 "Come on, we'll get one started." 602 00:28:04,715 --> 00:28:05,995 Self-defence manuals, 603 00:28:05,995 --> 00:28:07,955 they recommended a combination of jujitsu, 604 00:28:07,955 --> 00:28:12,434 hatpin stabbing and umbrella beating to deal with dangerous men. 605 00:28:12,434 --> 00:28:14,154 There was even a music hall song 606 00:28:14,154 --> 00:28:17,514 which was entitled Never Go Walking Out Without Your Hatpin. 607 00:28:17,514 --> 00:28:20,473 Lots of stories from the time of hatpin perils. 608 00:28:20,473 --> 00:28:23,793 There was a 19-year-old girl in Scranton, which is in New Jersey. 609 00:28:23,793 --> 00:28:26,753 She playfully thrust her hatpin at her boyfriend 610 00:28:26,753 --> 00:28:29,033 and fatally pierced his heart. 611 00:28:29,033 --> 00:28:31,752 There was a story of a young New York streetcar passenger, 612 00:28:31,752 --> 00:28:33,832 felt a sharp pain behind his ear. 613 00:28:33,832 --> 00:28:37,472 It was an accidental...prick from a stranger's hatpin 614 00:28:37,472 --> 00:28:40,352 and, within a week, he fell into a coma and died. 615 00:28:40,352 --> 00:28:41,672 And people began to panic. 616 00:28:41,672 --> 00:28:44,591 They associated them with violent suffragette tactics. 617 00:28:44,591 --> 00:28:47,631 There was one London flower seller - she stabbed a policeman, 618 00:28:47,631 --> 00:28:49,271 and the magistrate said, 619 00:28:49,271 --> 00:28:52,271 "The hatpin is as dangerous a weapon in the hands of a woman" 620 00:28:52,271 --> 00:28:55,150 "as a revolver in the hands of a man." 621 00:28:55,150 --> 00:28:58,030 Los Angeles even debated limiting hat feathers 622 00:28:58,030 --> 00:29:01,230 on the grounds of constant tickling on the bus was annoying. 623 00:29:02,470 --> 00:29:05,710 And, from 1912, quite a lot of local councils passed rules 624 00:29:05,710 --> 00:29:08,549 saying that hatpins could be no more than seven to nine inches, 625 00:29:08,549 --> 00:29:11,269 and you had to have a permit if you wanted to have a longer one. 626 00:29:11,269 --> 00:29:14,349 Can you just show me again what seven to nine inches is, Sandi? 627 00:29:16,749 --> 00:29:18,948 How many years have you been wrong about it? 628 00:29:20,868 --> 00:29:23,228 1910, Chicago actually banned hatpins 629 00:29:23,228 --> 00:29:25,188 that were longer than nine inches. 630 00:29:25,188 --> 00:29:28,148 And that was the end of crime in Chicago. 631 00:29:28,148 --> 00:29:31,027 So why did it all disappear in the end? It wasn't the laws. 632 00:29:31,027 --> 00:29:33,347 What was the reason why they all sort of disappeared? 633 00:29:33,347 --> 00:29:35,747 Cos the little fascinator hat came in. 634 00:29:35,747 --> 00:29:37,707 Didn't need a nine-inch pin for that. 635 00:29:37,707 --> 00:29:40,307 Well, basically flapper society is what happened. 636 00:29:40,307 --> 00:29:42,226 So, first of all, you get the Audubon Society, 637 00:29:42,226 --> 00:29:45,106 and they don't want birds killed just for their feathers, 638 00:29:45,106 --> 00:29:46,866 and then the new bobbed hairstyle, 639 00:29:46,866 --> 00:29:49,826 and, in fact, pins were seen as much less of a social problem 640 00:29:49,826 --> 00:29:53,106 than flapper culture, which was thought to be completely outrageous. 641 00:29:53,106 --> 00:29:54,625 The other problem was pirates. 642 00:29:54,625 --> 00:29:57,065 Obviously, the one on the left there is a pirate. 643 00:29:58,305 --> 00:30:00,425 I like the one on the right. That's a good frock. 644 00:30:00,425 --> 00:30:03,545 I like the one on the right cos she didn't read the memo about the hat. 645 00:30:03,545 --> 00:30:08,344 Yeah. She just put on a tea cosy as she was going through the door. 646 00:30:08,344 --> 00:30:11,504 Right, you've put up with so much punishment it's time for a prize. 647 00:30:11,504 --> 00:30:14,264 Which of these would you prefer to win? 648 00:30:20,983 --> 00:30:23,783 ..or the Oldest Mouse Award? 649 00:30:23,783 --> 00:30:26,503 I would like to win the Oldest Mouse Award. 650 00:30:26,503 --> 00:30:28,343 The Oldest Mouse Award. 651 00:30:28,343 --> 00:30:30,622 It's worth, actually, quite a lot of money. 652 00:30:30,622 --> 00:30:33,502 There's a thing called the Methuselah Foundation, 653 00:30:33,502 --> 00:30:34,942 they're a scientific body, 654 00:30:34,942 --> 00:30:38,142 and they are working on extending the healthy life of all of us 655 00:30:38,142 --> 00:30:39,302 and fighting ageing, 656 00:30:39,302 --> 00:30:42,901 and they're offering prize money if you can make the oldest mouse. 657 00:30:42,901 --> 00:30:44,701 So the current record is five years. 658 00:30:44,701 --> 00:30:46,901 Average mouse lives to be three years old. 659 00:30:46,901 --> 00:30:51,421 So five years in human terms would be, like, 150 to 180 years old - 660 00:30:51,421 --> 00:30:52,900 and then there's another prize 661 00:30:52,900 --> 00:30:55,620 if you can rejuvenate a middle-aged mouse. 662 00:30:55,620 --> 00:30:58,500 First step - kill all the cats, obviously. 663 00:30:58,500 --> 00:31:00,860 No more cat killing stuff. Let's keep it light. 664 00:31:02,380 --> 00:31:05,059 They are offering a prize of 1.4 million 665 00:31:05,059 --> 00:31:07,419 to the research team that can break the record 666 00:31:07,419 --> 00:31:08,819 for the world's oldest mouse. 667 00:31:08,819 --> 00:31:10,219 What proof do they need? 668 00:31:10,219 --> 00:31:12,019 Cos that's an interesting amount of money. 669 00:31:12,019 --> 00:31:14,899 I love that phrase, "that's an interesting amount of money". 670 00:31:14,899 --> 00:31:17,898 Is that what you say to your agent? Yeah. 671 00:31:20,138 --> 00:31:23,418 "That is of interest to me, that sum." 672 00:31:23,418 --> 00:31:24,698 "Torquay, you say?" 673 00:31:26,538 --> 00:31:30,177 "How much is this cab ride? I've got an old mouse - I'll pay with that." 674 00:31:30,177 --> 00:31:32,337 The fact is, we are genetically very similar to mice. 675 00:31:32,337 --> 00:31:34,697 Why are you looking at me now? 676 00:31:34,697 --> 00:31:37,817 I wasn't looking directly at you, I was ignoring Jimmy. 677 00:31:37,817 --> 00:31:41,896 We're very similar to mice? Well, you are - we're regular size, Sandi. 678 00:31:41,896 --> 00:31:46,616 We're genetically very similar, so in terms of extended life spans, 679 00:31:46,616 --> 00:31:48,736 it's hoped that successful work on mice 680 00:31:48,736 --> 00:31:50,975 can then eventually be applied to humans, 681 00:31:50,975 --> 00:31:53,655 and the current prize pot stands at 4.5 million, 682 00:31:53,655 --> 00:31:56,295 and the overall winner will receive a chunk of the money 683 00:31:56,295 --> 00:31:58,455 for each week that the mouse survives 684 00:31:58,455 --> 00:32:00,695 after breaking the old record and setting a new one. 685 00:32:00,695 --> 00:32:02,174 So what you really want 686 00:32:02,174 --> 00:32:05,174 is a little, tiny mouse life-support machine. 687 00:32:06,614 --> 00:32:10,254 Tiny... Clear! Ka-dush! Like, tiny defibrillator. 688 00:32:10,254 --> 00:32:12,174 Clear! Boom! 689 00:32:15,293 --> 00:32:17,453 Two wires and a AA battery. You get a straw... 690 00:32:20,373 --> 00:32:22,333 So let's look at the other prizes... 691 00:32:22,333 --> 00:32:24,333 There was the Aussie Non Drunk Driver Cup, 692 00:32:24,333 --> 00:32:26,132 the Val d'Isere Skiing Cow 693 00:32:26,132 --> 00:32:28,772 and solving the Birch/Swinnerton-Dyer conjecture. 694 00:32:28,772 --> 00:32:31,052 Isn't that the maths thing where you get paid a fortune 695 00:32:31,052 --> 00:32:33,172 if you solve some impossible thing? 696 00:32:33,172 --> 00:32:36,852 I think Rachel Riley had a crack at it, but she only had 30 seconds. 697 00:32:39,571 --> 00:32:41,331 It's the Clay Mathematics Institute. 698 00:32:41,331 --> 00:32:43,451 Basically, there are seven maths problems - 699 00:32:43,451 --> 00:32:45,171 they're called the Millennium Problems - 700 00:32:45,171 --> 00:32:48,051 and you get 1 million if you can solve any one of them. 701 00:32:48,051 --> 00:32:50,010 And this is only one of them, 702 00:32:50,010 --> 00:32:52,170 the Birch and Swinnerton-Dyer conjecture. 703 00:32:52,170 --> 00:32:54,210 It's basically the set of rational solutions 704 00:32:54,210 --> 00:32:56,330 to equations defining an elliptic curve. 705 00:32:56,330 --> 00:32:58,010 You know, it's one of those open problems 706 00:32:58,010 --> 00:32:59,290 in the field of number theory. 707 00:32:59,290 --> 00:33:00,330 Shall we have a go? 708 00:33:00,330 --> 00:33:02,929 Yeah, if you solve it, you get a million dollars straight away. 709 00:33:02,929 --> 00:33:04,129 Is it eight? 710 00:33:07,089 --> 00:33:08,489 Let's have a look to the other two. 711 00:33:08,489 --> 00:33:10,729 The Val d'Isere Skiing Cow or the Aussie... 712 00:33:10,729 --> 00:33:14,248 Now, they put a cow on skis, right? And chuck it down the mountain. 713 00:33:14,248 --> 00:33:18,088 It rings its bell like mad, but no-one will help it. 714 00:33:18,088 --> 00:33:23,008 So, it is the traditional prize in the World Cup downhill, 715 00:33:23,008 --> 00:33:26,607 and in 2005, the Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn - 716 00:33:26,607 --> 00:33:28,447 there she is - she won the cow. 717 00:33:28,447 --> 00:33:30,927 Now, what usually happens... You win the cow? You win the cow. 718 00:33:30,927 --> 00:33:33,767 What usually happens is the person goes, "I don't really want a cow," 719 00:33:33,767 --> 00:33:36,446 and they go, "We thought you might not, here's 5,000 instead." 720 00:33:36,446 --> 00:33:39,686 Lindsey, however, wanted to keep the actual cow, 721 00:33:39,686 --> 00:33:42,966 and everybody was very annoyed, cos it was worth 20,000... 722 00:33:44,686 --> 00:33:48,925 ..and it was pregnant, so she's basically getting two cows for one. 723 00:33:48,925 --> 00:33:52,725 She named it Olympe, and it now lives on a farm in Kirchberg. 724 00:33:52,725 --> 00:33:56,605 It has had other cows, it has even had grandcows, 725 00:33:56,605 --> 00:33:59,044 and she's named them all after members of her family. 726 00:33:59,044 --> 00:34:02,444 She is the only person who has kept her cow prize. 727 00:34:02,444 --> 00:34:05,524 Surely people will now keep them, now they know they're worth so much? 728 00:34:05,524 --> 00:34:08,284 It's a wonderful... I'd love to have a cow. I think it's a great idea. 729 00:34:08,284 --> 00:34:10,244 You have to win the competition. Yeah. 730 00:34:11,563 --> 00:34:15,323 What about the Aussie Non-Drunk-Driver Cup? 731 00:34:15,323 --> 00:34:17,523 Has nobody ever won it? 732 00:34:17,523 --> 00:34:19,523 No. 733 00:34:19,523 --> 00:34:21,443 I liked it when they started selling... 734 00:34:21,443 --> 00:34:22,962 We used to have one at home. 735 00:34:22,962 --> 00:34:25,602 ..the breathalyser that you could just... You could buy a thing. 736 00:34:25,602 --> 00:34:28,082 You could buy your own breath... It's a great idea. 737 00:34:28,082 --> 00:34:29,362 Should have one in the car. 738 00:34:29,362 --> 00:34:30,962 Don't they want to put them in cars 739 00:34:30,962 --> 00:34:33,282 so you have to blow into them before you can start the car? 740 00:34:33,282 --> 00:34:35,441 Yes, that's one of the things, that it would actually 741 00:34:35,441 --> 00:34:37,361 stop the ignition if you had alcohol levels... 742 00:34:37,361 --> 00:34:40,681 You'd just always have your child with you, wouldn't you? Yeah. 743 00:34:40,681 --> 00:34:43,721 "All right, son, you know the drill." 744 00:34:43,721 --> 00:34:45,401 "Blow into that. Go on." 745 00:34:49,440 --> 00:34:51,080 "Now let's get you to school." 746 00:34:52,280 --> 00:34:53,880 Right... 747 00:34:56,880 --> 00:34:59,599 Your little seven-year-old blows into it and it still won't start. 748 00:34:59,599 --> 00:35:02,319 "What have you been doing?" "Mind your own business!" 749 00:35:05,919 --> 00:35:09,598 Well, in 2016, traffic police in the Australian town of Nanango 750 00:35:09,598 --> 00:35:13,158 in Queensland started offering cash prizes 751 00:35:13,158 --> 00:35:15,798 to any driver found to be sober. 752 00:35:17,158 --> 00:35:19,398 - Wow. - I mean, that's... 753 00:35:19,398 --> 00:35:22,797 That is pretty good. Any driver who was stopped and tested 754 00:35:22,797 --> 00:35:25,277 and had zero blood alcohol limit entered into a prize draw, 755 00:35:25,277 --> 00:35:28,557 and it gave them a chance of winning 500. 756 00:35:28,557 --> 00:35:31,317 Is not being arrested not enough of an incentive? 757 00:35:31,317 --> 00:35:32,556 Apparently not, no. 758 00:35:32,556 --> 00:35:35,116 It's whether you would win money, and apparently it's spread. 759 00:35:35,116 --> 00:35:37,276 Other towns in Australia have now picked this up 760 00:35:37,276 --> 00:35:38,676 and think it's a really good idea. 761 00:35:38,676 --> 00:35:41,116 You could stop drinking and driving in Australia overnight 762 00:35:41,116 --> 00:35:43,276 by just having you as the traffic cop, just going... 763 00:35:43,276 --> 00:35:45,035 .."I'm disappointed." 764 00:35:46,275 --> 00:35:47,755 If you're pulled over in Australia, 765 00:35:47,755 --> 00:35:50,475 there's a chance the only ticket you'll be given is a raffle ticket. 766 00:35:50,475 --> 00:35:53,795 Now the punishment of round one is out of the way, 767 00:35:53,795 --> 00:35:56,874 it's time for a quick dip in the fiery lake of general ignorance. 768 00:35:56,874 --> 00:36:00,154 What's the most volcanic country on Earth? 769 00:36:00,154 --> 00:36:02,754 Ooh... Ooh... Oh, yes, Jimmy? 770 00:36:02,754 --> 00:36:04,074 I'll go New Zealand. 771 00:36:04,074 --> 00:36:06,154 No, it is not New Zealand. Good shout. 772 00:36:06,154 --> 00:36:08,433 Yes? 773 00:36:08,433 --> 00:36:11,313 Is it another place other than New Zealand? 774 00:36:14,553 --> 00:36:15,993 Indonesia. 775 00:36:15,993 --> 00:36:18,153 KLAXON BLARES No... 776 00:36:19,392 --> 00:36:22,552 It's weird, that, because I thought it was such a stupid answer, 777 00:36:22,552 --> 00:36:25,032 but the fact that it was considered an obvious answer 778 00:36:25,032 --> 00:36:27,112 I see as a bit of a result. 779 00:36:27,112 --> 00:36:29,432 It's like when you're watching University Challenge 780 00:36:29,432 --> 00:36:31,511 and you say the answer, but it's wrong, 781 00:36:31,511 --> 00:36:34,551 but they say the same wrong answer. You go, "That's a point." 782 00:36:36,911 --> 00:36:38,751 New Zealand's not even on my list. 783 00:36:38,751 --> 00:36:42,470 Ha-ha, mine was! It was on the big board! 784 00:36:42,470 --> 00:36:43,590 What about...? 785 00:36:43,590 --> 00:36:45,670 I'll have Hawaii. 786 00:36:45,670 --> 00:36:48,550 Well, you're absolutely in the right area, cos it's the United States. 787 00:36:48,550 --> 00:36:52,230 The United States has more volcanoes than any other country in the world. 788 00:36:52,230 --> 00:36:54,949 It's got 173 volcanoes in total. 789 00:36:54,949 --> 00:36:58,069 Are you counting it by volcano numbers 790 00:36:58,069 --> 00:36:59,949 or by lava emitted? 791 00:36:59,949 --> 00:37:01,189 OK, so it's... 792 00:37:02,749 --> 00:37:05,149 This is my profile on Match.com. 793 00:37:06,228 --> 00:37:08,148 If you were doing most active volcanoes, 794 00:37:08,148 --> 00:37:10,348 then Indonesia would be the correct answer. 795 00:37:10,348 --> 00:37:12,948 Well, that's what I thought you meant! Yay! 796 00:37:18,547 --> 00:37:21,347 I've just given myself two points. 797 00:37:21,347 --> 00:37:24,947 Yeah, maybe turn the fingers around. Um... 798 00:37:24,947 --> 00:37:26,947 I've just given myself two points! 799 00:37:28,707 --> 00:37:32,026 It's United States first, then Russia, then Indonesia, then Japan - 800 00:37:32,026 --> 00:37:34,026 those are the ones with the most volcanoes. 801 00:37:34,026 --> 00:37:36,786 I don't think Russia's taking part, actually, this year. 802 00:37:36,786 --> 00:37:39,106 In terms of active, it's Indonesia, 803 00:37:39,106 --> 00:37:40,985 then the Philippines, and then Japan. 804 00:37:40,985 --> 00:37:43,545 There are areas where there's just a huge number of volcanoes, 805 00:37:43,545 --> 00:37:46,745 so the Pacific Ring of Fire has got 452 volcanoes - 806 00:37:46,745 --> 00:37:48,785 it runs all the way around the Pacific. 807 00:37:48,785 --> 00:37:51,945 ♪ Ring of Fire, Ring of Fire... ♪ 808 00:37:51,945 --> 00:37:54,984 ♪ I fell in to a burning ring of fire 809 00:37:57,384 --> 00:38:01,344 ♪ A ring of fire, a ring of fire. ♪ 810 00:38:01,344 --> 00:38:04,663 It's like there's a problem with the boiler just to my right. 811 00:38:04,663 --> 00:38:06,503 Strange voice. Let's record it, Jimmy. 812 00:38:06,503 --> 00:38:09,263 We'd have a Christmas number one. 813 00:38:09,263 --> 00:38:11,343 Jimmy's always happy with a Cash gig. 814 00:38:12,463 --> 00:38:14,183 - Come on! - Come on! 815 00:38:14,183 --> 00:38:15,223 It's a Cash joke. 816 00:38:15,223 --> 00:38:17,182 It's Johnny Cash and it's about Jimmy. 817 00:38:17,182 --> 00:38:19,342 Those planets aligned perfectly! 818 00:38:21,342 --> 00:38:23,742 First the Indonesia incident and now this! 819 00:38:25,662 --> 00:38:28,861 Place in the world with the densest region of volcanoes? 820 00:38:28,861 --> 00:38:31,021 The most amount of volcanoes? Yes, the densest. 821 00:38:31,021 --> 00:38:32,781 Where might you find that? 822 00:38:32,781 --> 00:38:34,061 Yes? 823 00:38:34,061 --> 00:38:35,221 Indonesia! 824 00:38:35,221 --> 00:38:36,261 No! 825 00:38:38,741 --> 00:38:40,860 Antarctica. Antarctica! 826 00:38:40,860 --> 00:38:42,540 But it's so cold! 827 00:38:42,540 --> 00:38:44,260 Yes, so this is the issue about it. 828 00:38:44,260 --> 00:38:47,740 So in 2017, 91 new volcanoes were found under the ice sheet 829 00:38:47,740 --> 00:38:49,140 of Western Antarctica. 830 00:38:49,140 --> 00:38:52,179 It now has 1 volcano every 4,800 square miles, 831 00:38:52,179 --> 00:38:54,899 and they're expecting to find lots, lots more. 832 00:38:54,899 --> 00:38:57,299 So, some of them are as tall as the Eiger... Wow. 833 00:38:57,299 --> 00:39:00,259 ..and they were all discovered by researchers at Edinburgh University. 834 00:39:00,259 --> 00:39:02,618 and it really, really matters, 835 00:39:02,618 --> 00:39:05,178 because it has implications for the rest of the planet. 836 00:39:05,178 --> 00:39:09,898 If one of them erupts, it could melt the ice from beneath. 837 00:39:09,898 --> 00:39:12,458 Goodbye, Norfolk! Basically. 838 00:39:12,458 --> 00:39:13,658 Let's cancel it, then. 839 00:39:13,658 --> 00:39:15,537 I feel like we were like "Yeah, let's do that! 840 00:39:15,537 --> 00:39:18,217 "No, let's not do it." It's not a good idea. 841 00:39:18,217 --> 00:39:22,097 The most volcanic country on Earth is actually the United States. 842 00:39:22,097 --> 00:39:24,017 After Great Britain and Ireland, 843 00:39:24,017 --> 00:39:27,336 what is the third most populous island in the British Isles? 844 00:39:27,336 --> 00:39:29,496 I know that if you could get everybody in the world 845 00:39:29,496 --> 00:39:31,136 on the Isle of Wight, then it would sink. 846 00:39:31,136 --> 00:39:33,536 That is not the answer that I'm looking for. 847 00:39:33,536 --> 00:39:35,776 And the Isle of Wight in fact would come fourth. 848 00:39:35,776 --> 00:39:37,775 I'm looking for the one that would come third. 849 00:39:37,775 --> 00:39:39,975 I'm looking for the most populous island. 850 00:39:39,975 --> 00:39:41,695 Yes? Man. 851 00:39:41,695 --> 00:39:44,655 The Isle of Man is not right, no. 852 00:39:44,655 --> 00:39:46,375 Is it going to be somewhere far off? 853 00:39:46,375 --> 00:39:49,294 No, it's not even far from the studio, actually... 854 00:39:49,294 --> 00:39:50,454 Oh! 855 00:39:50,454 --> 00:39:52,734 Isle of Dogs! Isle of Dogs! No. Oh... 856 00:39:54,614 --> 00:39:55,934 I meant Indonesia! 857 00:39:55,934 --> 00:39:57,614 I was going to say you could get there 858 00:39:57,614 --> 00:39:59,574 in about an hour and a quarter on the train. 859 00:39:59,574 --> 00:40:01,693 Isle of Thanet? It's Portsea Island. 860 00:40:01,693 --> 00:40:04,853 It is where the city of Portsmouth lies. 861 00:40:04,853 --> 00:40:08,133 The island of Portsea has the highest population density 862 00:40:08,133 --> 00:40:10,493 of any of the UK's islands. 863 00:40:10,493 --> 00:40:13,812 In fact, Portsmouth is the only island city in the whole of the UK. 864 00:40:13,812 --> 00:40:15,372 It's a complete island, is it? Yeah. 865 00:40:15,372 --> 00:40:17,852 It was one of the most heavily defended cities in the world 866 00:40:17,852 --> 00:40:19,052 during the Napoleonic wars, 867 00:40:19,052 --> 00:40:21,692 and it was the world's first mass production line. 868 00:40:21,692 --> 00:40:25,091 The Royal Navy made... Pulley blocks were made there 869 00:40:25,091 --> 00:40:30,291 by in fact, Marc Isambard Brunel, Isambard Kingdom Brunel's father. 870 00:40:30,291 --> 00:40:32,851 I was the Chancellor at Portsmouth University for five years. 871 00:40:32,851 --> 00:40:34,731 I think it's a most wonderful place. Ooh! 872 00:40:34,731 --> 00:40:37,290 Only because they didn't know you'd eaten a hippo! 873 00:40:40,730 --> 00:40:43,290 It was the home to some of the earliest free schools 874 00:40:43,290 --> 00:40:44,810 for working-class children. 875 00:40:44,810 --> 00:40:47,729 Portsmouth is one of the first places where their education 876 00:40:47,729 --> 00:40:49,729 was thought to be important. It's also... 877 00:40:49,729 --> 00:40:52,929 The other thing they pioneered was free venereal disease clinics. 878 00:40:52,929 --> 00:40:55,569 Why would you pay for venereal disease? 879 00:40:55,569 --> 00:40:56,889 Oh, to the... No. Yeah. 880 00:40:58,489 --> 00:41:00,728 I've paid for venereal disease. 881 00:41:02,568 --> 00:41:04,368 Well, let's... 882 00:41:04,368 --> 00:41:06,608 ..let's all let that settle in for a minute. 883 00:41:08,008 --> 00:41:09,408 That's what the doctor said. 884 00:41:11,727 --> 00:41:14,167 It sort of works for the joke. 885 00:41:14,167 --> 00:41:16,567 The idea that they'd say "I'd just let it settle in." 886 00:41:16,567 --> 00:41:20,087 "Let that settle that in if I were you." "That's there for the winter." 887 00:41:20,087 --> 00:41:23,646 Here's a gorgeous painting by Turner. Where is this? 888 00:41:23,646 --> 00:41:25,486 Yes? 889 00:41:25,486 --> 00:41:26,846 Is it Indonesia? 890 00:41:32,846 --> 00:41:35,405 I'll give you a clue. Here are two paintings. 891 00:41:35,405 --> 00:41:37,085 I'll give you the titles if this helps. 892 00:41:37,085 --> 00:41:40,045 One is called Festive Lagoon Scene Venice, 893 00:41:40,045 --> 00:41:41,405 and the other one's called 894 00:41:41,405 --> 00:41:43,485 Procession Of Boats With Distant Smoke Venice. 895 00:41:43,485 --> 00:41:44,805 Is it Portsmouth? 896 00:41:44,805 --> 00:41:47,644 Yes, it is Portsmouth, you're absolutely right. 897 00:41:50,924 --> 00:41:52,004 Are you serious? 898 00:41:52,004 --> 00:41:53,844 They were wrongly titled in the 1960s 899 00:41:53,844 --> 00:41:56,004 when they were exhibited in New York. 900 00:41:56,004 --> 00:41:57,963 They had nothing to do with Venice whatsoever. 901 00:41:57,963 --> 00:42:00,363 You said it as a joke... No, I'm just an expert on Turner. 902 00:42:00,363 --> 00:42:01,763 So annoying! 903 00:42:01,763 --> 00:42:04,723 If he'd painted them in Indonesia, I'd have been laughing, wouldn't I? 904 00:42:04,723 --> 00:42:06,283 No, you're totally right. 905 00:42:06,283 --> 00:42:09,443 It was in 2003 that a curator at the Tate declared 906 00:42:09,443 --> 00:42:11,042 that they were not of Venice at all. 907 00:42:11,042 --> 00:42:13,402 They have been renamed The Arrival of Louis-Philippe, 908 00:42:13,402 --> 00:42:15,482 who was King, at the time, of France, 909 00:42:15,482 --> 00:42:17,562 at Portsmouth, 8th of October, 1844, 910 00:42:17,562 --> 00:42:19,562 and The Disembarkation of Louis-Philippe, 911 00:42:19,562 --> 00:42:21,561 8th of October, 1844. 912 00:42:21,561 --> 00:42:23,161 That is also a stretch, isn't it? 913 00:42:23,161 --> 00:42:24,921 You can't see him coming or going, can you? 914 00:42:24,921 --> 00:42:27,681 It's not the first time it's happened to a Turner painting. 915 00:42:27,681 --> 00:42:30,721 There was one which was identified as a view of Monte Rosa in Italy 916 00:42:30,721 --> 00:42:34,120 for over a century, that turns out it's actually a pier in Scotland. 917 00:42:35,560 --> 00:42:39,320 Turner's beautiful Venice scenes turned out to be scenes 918 00:42:39,320 --> 00:42:41,480 of lovely old Portsmouth - 919 00:42:41,480 --> 00:42:44,120 and with that, we've reached the end of our path of punishment, 920 00:42:44,120 --> 00:42:47,199 and it's time to lick our wounds, and let's peek at the points 921 00:42:47,199 --> 00:42:49,119 while I point out the penalty. 922 00:42:49,119 --> 00:42:52,519 Our prize fighter tonight and the winner... 923 00:42:52,519 --> 00:42:53,719 Oh, my goodness. 924 00:42:53,719 --> 00:42:55,399 ..with -2, it's Jimmy! 925 00:42:55,399 --> 00:42:59,198 Yay! 926 00:42:59,198 --> 00:43:02,118 Taking second prize with -3, it's Alan! 927 00:43:08,277 --> 00:43:10,597 And in third place with -8, it's the audience! 928 00:43:16,677 --> 00:43:19,557 So in fourth place with -9, it's Alice! 929 00:43:25,276 --> 00:43:29,036 We're running out of time - you might want to wrap this up. Yeah. 930 00:43:29,036 --> 00:43:34,035 Finally, an absolute glutton for punishment, with -27, it's Lee! 931 00:43:43,354 --> 00:43:45,994 That's it from Alice, Lee, Jimmy, Alan and me, 932 00:43:45,994 --> 00:43:49,274 and I leave you with these wise words of advice from John Hardwick. 933 00:43:49,274 --> 00:43:52,994 Don't do drugs, because if you do drugs, you'll go to prison, 934 00:43:52,994 --> 00:43:56,193 and drugs are REALLY expensive in prison. 935 00:43:56,193 --> 00:43:57,673 Goodnight.