This programme contains some strong language
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you very much. Welcome to QI.
Who fancies a ride in my Spike Away non-social transient behaviour vest?
LAUGHTER
Transient behaviour?
So, non-social transient behaviour is the way people...
Oh, it's something you wear to make people not stand next to you.
Yes! A spiky thing. It is a spiky thing, yeah.
I find my personality does the trick, but...
LAUGHTER
..if there's a clothing version...
So, it is the way in which people on public transport try and keep
the seat next to them free.
So, there was a designer named Kathleen McDermott,
she created a dress, and it senses when people
are standing too close and it inflates.
LAUGHTER
Oh, that is great. Yeah. I love this. Like a puffer fish?
Yes.
So, the other thing to have is a Singaporean design student called
Siew Ming Cheng made the Spike Away vest, so, what it is,
it's flexible spikes that you put in the garden, you know,
to keep animals away from plants.
We have a couple, so, what I'd like is Phill
and Bridget, if you would put on the Spike Away.
And then I've got for you, Alan...
So, it just goes over the...
The spikes, they're really hurting me, the spikes.
I think they're supposed to go on the outside, Bridg.
OK, so if you stand here, Alan. Yeah.
And you two, so, imagine you're minding your own business
on the Tube. In a lift.
And you two wish that he wasn't there,
so, just to see if you could use your Spike Away vests to...
Wow. They're not...
I'm loving this!
Welcome to niche porn.
And now the Danish lady will burst the balloons.
Oh, yeah, that's how we like it.
This is a dream, I've had this dream!
ALAN SHRIEKS
LAUGHTER
CHEERING
PHILL: Come on!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
You got me in the shoulder!
LAUGHTER
Come on, one more, one more jump.
He's asking for it!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, which former Top Gear presenter failed a drugs test last year
and how on Earth did they get away with it?
Stig? Oh, is it the white guy, yeah?
ALARM BLARES
Is it the white guy?
The white guy.
LAUGHTER
Five white guys! Any more for any more?
So, are we are just to guess those guys' names?
Well, it's up to you. It's not going to be any of those names,
they're all a trap. Is it all a trap? It's all a trap.
Yes, watch this - Jeremy Clarkson.
ALARM BLARES
James May.
Richard Hammond.
Chris Evans.
Carry on. You just body guarded us.
You just jumped in front and took the bullets.
I'll take the bullet. Matt LeBlanc.
ALARM BLARES
Lots of birds can see ultraviolet, and they can see...
..animals' urine on the ground.
And that's how they know there's a burrow.
How about that? That's very good.
So, when they're swooping around looking for prey,
they think, "Oh, look, they're over there,"
cos lots of small rodents are incontinent.
This is all God's will, right?
I'm going to set this up.
That one can see wee, that one keeps pissing itself.
LAUGHTER
Let the games begin!
Let the games begin.
Oh, I can't stop pissing.
Look at all the wee, look at all the wee!
Get in the hole, get in the hole! That's the only thing,
if they can't get in the hole... If you're a little vole
and you're running with your mummy like that and you look up
and you see one you go, "I'm terrified! I'm going to wet myself."
"DON'T WET YOURSELF! Do not wet yourself!"
What's the most unrealistic thing about this picture?
Yes.
That bra.
That is a pointless bra. Yeah, I don't know what that's doing for her,
really, nothing. She's done a pump out of her front bottom.
Only a man with children would call it a pump.
Or indeed the front bottom. Yes.
What is the most unrealistic thing about this picture?
She's got her eyes open.
OK. No, people are allowed to have their eyes open
underwater, that's OK.
No, but if she's in the sea, you wouldn't have your eyes open.
Yeah, but she is a merlady. She's a merperson. Well, she's not
a merperson. I mean, it's a woman dressed up as a merperson.
OK, I need you to imagine it's a merperson. Well you didn't say that.
OK. Right. So the most unrealistic thing for you
is that it doesn't seem like a real merperson?
LAUGHTER
Weirdly, we don't have a picture of a real merperson.
So, if you think about the classic depictions of mermaids,
try and think about how fish swim.
So, when fish swim,
they have their tail in the same plane as their body,
and they moved their tails from left to right to propel themselves.
Most depictions of merfolk show them just like that with a tail fin
perpendicular to the plane of the body.
Yeah, but a lot of whales have that, don't they?
Well, this is the thing. So, if mermaids swam like fish...
Mm. ..then they would have to swim on their side.
They'd swim like a mammal, the mermaid, wouldn't they?
Right, so if they're going to swim like a whale or a dolphin,
they're mammals, not fish.
However, most merpeople are depicted with scaly and shimmery
lower halves, which is a fish characteristic. Yes.
And not the smooth skin of a cetacean,
so, a whale or a dolphin.
And, so, either - this is what really irritates me -
the tail orientation is wrong and a merperson is half-fish,
or the scales are wrong and the merperson is half-cetacean -
you can't have it both ways.
LAUGHTER
So, your point is, just to be clear...
Yeah. That they shouldn't have scales if their tail's like that.
You can't have both ways. You can't have it both ways.
You can't have it both ways? You can't have it both ways.
Well, um...
LAUGHTER
That's not what we're talking about. Oh, sorry!
And this has really upset you, hasn't it?
Yeah. It's my show, I thought we'd talk about it.
LAUGHTER
We're going to place a tray of finds, there they are,
you've got them. And I would like you to identify the fossil.
So, now, you can use any part of your body,
except your hands.
Thank you.
So, how might you identify any of them?
They told me I wouldn't need my glasses.
OK, do you want to borrow mine? Here. Yes. There you go, sweetie.
Well, these are all pebbles from a standard British B Road.
LAUGHTER
So, Phill is heading in the right direction.
TERI: Can I put it in my mouth?
No, you can't.
Teri!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Teri is exactly right, Teri has got the right answer.
Good, good. Good for her.
So, we've got various ways of distinguishing fossils from plain
old rocks, but one of the ways you do it is to lick them.
Oh, Jesus.
I'm going to just...
Pay no attention, I'm going to lick this long one.
LAUGHTER
That's actually a British sweet. OK... That's...
I really want to touch it.
No, no...
That's the ringtone I want.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I want you to experiment with the disc and see
whether your fingers or your tongue are better at working out
the size of the holes in the disc.
It's the tongue. <span tts: color="white Sorry? The tongue.
For me it's the fingers. It's the tongue.
No, it's the fingers. I can feel different edges.
I can get the tongue much further in than you'd think possible, Sara.
LAUGHTER
Suddenly I see you in a new and more positive light, Alan.
LAUGHTER
The tongue is much more pliable.
It's called the oral size illusion, because your tongue is much
more pliable, it'll bend around different surfaces
more easily, and it should give you a more accurate picture
of what you're looking at. So, when I'm measuring up
to put some shelves up, I should, I should...
Measure with your tongue. I should go into B&Q and go...
HE MUMBLES
I need some screws about that length.
"Are they 2.5mm?" "I don't know..."
What's interesting to me, Sandi, is that these three shapes on here,
I did not successfully identify what they are
with either my fingers or my tongue.
I knew two of them with my tongue, you were right,
the tongue was better. Yeah, well it's that thing, you know when
you've got a little thing in your mouth and it seems,
feels so much bigger to you... I do know about that, Sandi.
LAUGHTER
Stop telling her about everything.
Right, what am I?
B, try B. Try B?
Yeah, just have a lick of it.
No, don't put it all in your mouth, just...
Just lick it. Just lick it, just lick it.
Hasn't anyone ever told you that?
LAUGHTER
It's dinosaur poo. What is it? Dinosaur poo.
What's the correct word for dinosaur poo?
Or any poo that's been fossilised? Delicious!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Before the show, I asked everybody to write a poem.
So, I've got one, here we are.
What would we be without Alan
Totally unbalan... ced
That's where.
It's a haiku. Do you like it? Yes, very much.
Yeah, it was written by my agent, I hadn't got time.
LAUGHTER
Do you want to begin? I've written a haiku as well.
Oh, go for it, darling. SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
First time on QI
Must not swear and let Mum down
Piece of fucking piss.
She'll be so proud. Thank you, Sandi.
Joe.
Can I have absolute silence, please?
LAUGHTER
I really like to go on QI
It is better than if I die
Sandi Toksvig is so nice
But Alan Davies has got lice
LAUGHTER
Thank you, thank you.
I liked you.
I have actually been treated for that.
Phil? I've written a poem on the theme of pastime,
which is the theme of the episode.
It's called One T Or Two?
Does pastime have one T or two?
I haven't the foggiest, do you?
I suppose it doesn't matter
We're only here for the patter
Does anyone else need a poo?
I sort of panicked at the end, I think.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Where would we find beer in the sky?
Oh, in space.
In space, about 10,000 light-years from Earth.
Did someone lob a can up, it's just landed.
Here is an incredible thing - there is a giant cloud of alcohol
with enough ethyl alcohol
for 400 trillion trillion
pints of beer.
That is enough for every person on Earth to drink 300,000 pints
every day for a billion years.
LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
Why are we living here? Because it's spiked with hydrogen cyanide.
Classic. Damn those Russians.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
But the intriguing thing is that the cloud contains ethyl formate,
so that is... it's the chemical compound that helps give raspberries
their taste, and it reportedly smells like rum.
It seems that the centre of our galaxy may taste
and smell like raspberry-flavoured rum.
Oh, my God.
Can I just ask, when you say it reportedly smells like rum...
Yeah.
..who reported it?
Well, we know what the chemical is and we know what the chemical
smells like, but nobody's been there. Right. You could volunteer.
I'm here now. Yeah, like...
What's it smell like, what's it smell like?
I mean, it could be blackberries, I think it's raspberries,
Doris disagrees. Have you had raspberries for breakfast?
Could it be that? Oh, I did, yes, I actually I did, now I think of it.
You know people who do those wine things, isn't it?
They're always like, "Mm, I'm getting blackcurrant,
"I'm getting running naked through heather..."
Skirting boards, I'm getting skirting boards...
..and linoleum. You've fallen over.
LAUGHTER
Now, you mentioned astrology, that's another way
in which human beings try and sort of divide themselves up.
So, I'm just like this, so, I'm a Taurean.
So, let's have a look, Sara, what...?
I'm a Gemini, just after...
ALARM BLARES
OK, did you mean, like, my risings?
No.
Johnny, what star sign are you?
Oh, Virgo.
Yeah, yeah, no, OK.
John Virgo!
Ed, what are you? I'm a Pisces.
Pisces?
Oh... OK, and what are you, Alan?
Well, now, I think I know what's going on here.
Oh...
Thank God somebody does. Yeah.
Because all the stars and the alignment of the...
..where the planet is were set by astrologists a long time ago,
but actually everything's moved a little bit. Everything's moved.
So, you think if you're born at that time of year
that you're born under those stars, but you're not. No, so,
the modern star signs are all based on those of ancient Babylon
and the night sky has completely moved.
Um, you're actually a Leo, in case you wanted to know.
I'm really not.
So that means I'm a Taurus?
So, you, Sara are actually a Taurus, and, Alan, you were actually
born under Aquarius. Oh, cool. And what am I?
I think we got the date of your birth entirely wrong, so...
ALARM BLARES
LAUGHTER
I did a tandem skydive, that's the most frightening thing...
Why, why did you do it? Do you know why?
Because I had a girlfriend who was always on about how brave
her ex-boyfriend was.
LAUGHTER
And, to be fair to him,
he was a battlefield medic in the army.
So, I mean, he was terrifically brave, highly trained.
AS ALAN: I do comedy.
And, then, but then she really hurt my feelings when she said
he was also the funniest person she'd ever met.
I was in Cairns in Queensland, I was nowhere near home,
so I thought, I'm going to do a tandem parachute jump,
I'll show her. And I absolutely shat myself.
It's so frightening.
Cos also you were being like babied by another man behind you, so...
You're being strapped onto a total stranger.
Oh, it wasn't him, was it?
Let's make this interesting. It's me, Alan.
The bravest man in the world.
Let me tell you a joke as we're going down, cos I'm really funny.
They told us, whether this is true or not I don't know,
they said the plane can't land with this much weight in it,
so we do have to jump out.
LAUGHTER
Someone asked me once if I wanted to go bungee jumping,
and I don't like heights either, so I said, "I'll go up and watch you."
And this was in Australia as well. And he got to the edge,
and the guy says, "Right, now when I say jump, you've got to jump."
He says, "OK."
"Jump." And just as he jumped, he went, "Not yet!"
As he fell.
That's not funny, mate.
That is really not funny, is it? And the look on his face,
"Did you see that, what I did?"
Right, now, Alan, I would like you to put this on, please.
Oh! Why certainly, Sandi.
Thank you very much. Is it a hat?
It is a hat, yes. Pop that on.
Now my question is, what activity is Alan
now perfectly dressed to do?
Is it a taco hat?
At parties, sometimes they get people to walk around
and a dip in the centre and some tacos, and then you dip them
into the man's head. Feels like a bicycle tyre.
OK, when you do know what it is you'll be horrified
at the thought of serving dip from this.
Is it a contraceptive?
So, it's exactly the reverse of a contraceptive.
It's an erection hat. It is kind of a erection hat.
OK. OK, so, this is...
It's not working.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Patience, everyone. I'm 52.
I'm very pleased because it's for a falcon.
It's a falcon sex hat.
It was invented to save the peregrine falcon from extinction.
So, the peregrine trainer wears this hat
and encourages the bird to mate with his head.
Come on.
Come on, you know you want to.
Oh!
It's that.
So, in the 1970s, the whole species was threatened to be wiped out.
The pesticides were damaging their eggs and so...
Oh, look, it works!
It does absolutely work.
A captive breeding programme was set up.
So, here is the problem.
Falcons are usually more attracted to their owners
than they are to other birds. It's a phenomenon called imprinting.
So, when a young falcon comes out of its egg, it gets attached
to the very first thing it sees. It could be a rubber boot
or it could be an electric train,
it could be anything but, quite often, it is the owner
so, they want to mate...
They want to mate with their carers and the hat
is invented to catch the resulting semen.
Oh, God! It can be collected...
I know. The thing you're wearing, that's why I said you don't want
to eat dip out of it. No, I really don't. The thing you're wearing...
It's got falcon ejaculate in it?
It's got little tiny pockets in it, the falcon wants to mate,
and it goes onto the hat because, you know, it likes the owner,
and you can catch the semen from those little tiny pockets.
ALAN MIMICS FALCON MOANING
It totally works. In the 1970s, the population...
ALAN MIMICS FALCON SNORING
LAUGHTER
How would you test to see if it's warm enough
to put your plants outside? Go outside?
OK, so that's still in underpant, bottom...
Well, if you take them off and you shrivel up...
..it's too cold.
Put your pants back on.
If it looks like a little mushroom peeping out of a bush...
How smelly your pumps are, is it that? Excuse me?
I love this but I can only describe it as
a cul-de-sac of conversation so...
Steering back to the motorway of actual information.
Oh, it's not that, then? It's not that.
So, in order to assess, you sit down with your bare bottom
in the ploughed field, and if it is comfortable enough
to sit on the field, then it is warm enough to plant out your crops.
I'm telling you, science funding is a sham.
They are having a laugh out there!
Take your pants off and sit over there. Unbelievable!
Does this initiative actually work?
Are there hundreds and thousands of farmers up and down the country
wearing no pants and sitting...
With bum prints across their field,
as far as you can see.
Maybe that's how they get crop circles.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
It is the practice of people throwing,
or tossing people on blankets.
So...
LAUGHTER
This guy in the middle is called Johann Unzer,
he was a German doctor and he lived in the 18th century.
He was visiting Corsica and he wrote down about this.
When a married man died, it was common for villagers to toss
the corpse on a blanket for hours on end, which occasionally
had the effect of bringing him back to life.
If he didn't come back to life, then the local women would gather
and they would beat his widow as a punishment...
..for letting him die.
If it turned out he wasn't dead, then I imagine she dealt with him.
It's not uncommon, not just in Corsica,
so, you get it in Spain, it's called "pelele,"
and "prellen" in Germany.
It's a bit like giving somebody the bumps on their birthday,
and it was a common thing to toss people up and down in that way.
Is there any, like, medical basis for that to work?
Like, jolting the heart? Well, it could be.
It has a kind of superstitious background to it.
So, the idea of tossing things in the air to ward off evil spirits.
And it probably comes from winnowing, so you know
about separating the wheat from the chaff, so the simplest way
is to toss it in the air, because the chaff is lighter
than the wheat and the wind will blow it away.
And, so, there's a sort of symbolic thing of doing that
with human beings. He's dead! He's alive! He's alive!
Oh, he's dead again.
His neck's broken.
LAUGHTER
Where's his widow? It's your fault.
Yeah, it's your fault.
One of the most famous recipients of a tossing,
Sancho Panza, from which book?
Oh, Don Quixote. Don Quixote.
Chapter 17.
He and his master refused to pay an innkeeper's bill,
and so he's grabbed by a group of lodgers
and they toss him up and down.
Queen Elizabeth, she was tossed, wasn't she?
Queen Elizabeth I? II.
II? Yeah.
The day of the coronation.
Do tell. Well, they had a rehearsal and the Archbishop of Canterbury
and a few of the cohorts, they gave her a toss.
And that's the tradition. People aren't familiar with it
because we haven't had a coronation for ages,
but Charles is next. Really?!
Is that actually a thing?
Of course not, you fool!
LAUGHTER
Now, then, my poppets, I have got these for you.
This is for Aisling.
Am I supposed to show you on the doll where he touched me?
LAUGHTER
Jason...
..and Alan.
And then we have me here.
Anybody know what they are? I'm going to take a stab in the dark and say
are they dolls? Yes, a very particular kind of doll.
Ideally, you should have each other's is the thing,
so if we can swap around, we can all... I've got Jason's...
Are they voodoo dolls?
They are poppets, also known as pippies or moppets,
and they are traditionally used in European folk magic.
So, they're for casting spells on people.
So, if you wanted to get somebody out of your life,
you might fill a poppet... What are you doing with my poppet down there?
My poppet does not want to be down there!
LAUGHTER
I don't know why, but I feel the need to rinse my mouth.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It's something called Third Man syndrome, and it is the sensation
of the presence of an extra, unseen person.
It happens in extreme situations,
the most vivid are experienced by adventurers.
In 1933, there was a solo attempt to climb Everest by a British
explorer called Frank Smythe, and he got within 1,000 feet
of the top and he had the strongest sensation that
somebody was with him, so strong that he broke off a piece of...
..I don't know, Kendal Mint Cake or whatever it was,
and he handed it, or tried to hand it to this other person.
It was probably the bloke holding the camera.
LAUGHTER
Ernest Shackleton reported exactly the same sensation.
That's really weird.
And I wonder if you know TS Eliot's poem, The Wasteland,
it's in there, it's inspired by Shackleton's experience.
That's Gandalf. Shaft!
It did feel a bit karaoke, that, didn't it?
TS Eliot karaoke, I want to do.
# Who is the third who walks always beside you?
# Only you and I together
# But when I look ahead
# Up the white road
TOGETHER: # There is always another one walking beside you! #
APPLAUSE
Try moving my arms and see if it works.
I'll move your right... I'll move Aisling's right arm. Oh!
It's magic. And I appear to be touching my own breasts. Oh, no!
This joke has backfired!
Wait a minute. Who's this?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Why would you say the Pope's name three times
and then whack his ring with a hammer?
His ring?!
Because...
Because he forgot the safeword!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Bloody marvellous.
I live for those moments.
He doesn't say a lot, but when he says it, it lands.
The answer is because he's...
A nail?
Francis, Francis, Francis!
He's dead? He's dead, you're absolutely right.
Why do you have to hit his ring with a hammer?
OK, so there is a thing called the Apostolic Camera,
so, it's an office of the Roman Curia
that is a largely ceremonial office until the Pope dies.
At this point, the Camerlengo, he's the cardinal in charge
of the Apostolic Camera, in he goes, he comes.
ITALIAN ACCENT: I's in charge of it.
His duty is to ceremonially verify...
ITALIAN ACCENT: I whack him with a fucking hammer.
LAUGHTER
A-bang, bang, bang!
Francis, Francis, Francis? A-boom!
Right in the ring hole. Well, kind of. Erm...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE