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This programme contains
some strong language

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you very much.
Welcome to QI.

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Who fancies a ride in my Spike Away
non-social transient behaviour vest?

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LAUGHTER

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<font color="#FFFF00"> Transient behaviour?</font>

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So, non-social transient behaviour
is the way people...

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<font color="#00FFFF"> Oh, it's something you wear to make
people not stand next to you.</font>

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Yes! <font color="#00FFFF"> A spiky thing.</font>
It is a spiky thing, yeah.

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<font color="#00FFFF"> I find my personality
does the trick, but...</font>

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LAUGHTER

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<font color="#00FFFF"> ..if there's a clothing version...</font>

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So, it is the way in which people
on public transport try and keep

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the seat next to them free.

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So, there was a designer
named Kathleen McDermott,

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she created a dress,
and it senses when people

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are standing too close
and it inflates.

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, that is great. <span tts: color="white">Yeah.</font>
I love this. <font color="#FFFF00"> <font color="#11FF11"> Like a puffer fish?</font>

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Yes.

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So, the other thing to have is
a Singaporean design student called

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Siew Ming Cheng made the Spike Away
vest, so, what it is,

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it's flexible spikes that you
put in the garden, you know,

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to keep animals away from plants.

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We have a couple,
so, what I'd like is Phill

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and Bridget, if you would
put on the Spike Away.

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And then I've got for you, Alan...

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<font color="#11FF11"> So, it just goes over the...</font>

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<font color="#11FF11"> The spikes, they're really
hurting me, the spikes.</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00"> I think they're supposed
to go on the outside, Bridg.</font>

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OK, so if you stand here, Alan.
<font color="#FFFF00"> Yeah.</font>

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And you two, so, imagine
you're minding your own business

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on the Tube. <font color="#FFFF00"> In a lift.</font>

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And you two
wish that he wasn't there,

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so, just to see if you could
use your Spike Away vests to...

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Wow. <font color="#11FF11"> They're not...</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00"> I'm loving this!</font>

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<font color="#00FFFF"> Welcome to niche porn.</font>

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<font color="#00FFFF"> And now the Danish lady
will burst the balloons.</font>

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<font color="#00FFFF"> Oh, yeah, that's how we like it.</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00"> This is a dream,
I've had this dream!</font>

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ALAN SHRIEKS

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LAUGHTER

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CHEERING

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CHEERING
PHILL: <font color="#00FFFF"> Come on!</font>

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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<font color="#FFFF00"> You got me in the shoulder!</font>

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LAUGHTER

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Come on, one more, one more jump.

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He's asking for it!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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OK, which former Top Gear presenter
failed a drugs test last year

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and how on Earth
did they get away with it?

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<font color="#11FF11"> <font color="#00FFFF"> Stig? </font>Oh, is it the white guy, yeah?</font>

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ALARM BLARES

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<font color="#FFFF00"> Is it the white guy?</font>

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<font color="#11FF11"> The white guy.</font>

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LAUGHTER

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<font color="#FFFF00"> Five white guys!</font>
Any more for any more?

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<font color="#00FFFF"> So, are we are just to guess those
guys' names?</font>

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Well, it's up to you. <font color="#FFFF00"> It's not
going to be any of those names,</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00">they're all a trap.</font>
<font color="#00FFFF"> Is it all a trap? </font>It's all a trap.

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<font color="#FFFF00"> Yes, watch this - Jeremy Clarkson.</font>

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ALARM BLARES

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<font color="#FFFF00"> James May.</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00"> Richard Hammond.</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00"> Chris Evans.</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00">Carry on.</font>
<font color="#00FFFF"> You just body guarded us.</font>

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<font color="#00FFFF"> You just jumped in front
and took the bullets.</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00"> I'll take the bullet. Matt LeBlanc.</font>

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ALARM BLARES

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<font color="#FFFF00"> Lots of birds can see ultraviolet,
and they can see...</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00"> ..animals' urine on the ground.</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00"> And that's how they know
there's a burrow.</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00"> How about that? </font>That's very good.

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<font color="#FFFF00"> So, when they're swooping around
looking for prey,</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00"> they think, "Oh, look,
they're over there,"</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00"> cos lots of
small rodents are incontinent.</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00"> This is all God's will, right?</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00"> I'm going to set this up.</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00"> That one can see wee,
that one keeps pissing itself.</font>

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LAUGHTER

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<font color="#00FFFF"> Let the games begin!</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00"> Let the games begin.</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00"> Oh, I can't stop pissing.</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00"> Look at all the wee,
look at all the wee!</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00"> Get in the hole, get in the hole!
That's the only thing,</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00">if they can't get in the hole...</font>
<font color="#11FF11"> If you're a little vole</font>

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<font color="#11FF11"> and you're running with your mummy
like that and you look up</font>

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<font color="#11FF11"> and you see one you go, "I'm
terrified! I'm going to wet myself."</font>

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<font color="#11FF11"> "DON'T WET YOURSELF!
Do not wet yourself!"</font>

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What's the most unrealistic thing
about this picture?

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Yes.

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<font color="#00FFFF"> That bra.</font>

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<font color="#00FFFF"> That is a pointless bra. </font>Yeah, I
don't know what that's doing for her,

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really, nothing. <font color="#FFFF00"> She's done a pump
out of her front bottom.</font>

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Only a man with children
would call it a pump.

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<font color="#FFFF00"> Or indeed the front bottom.</font>
Yes.

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What is the most unrealistic
thing about this picture?

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<font color="#11FF11"> She's got her eyes open.</font>

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OK. <font color="#00FFFF"> No, people are allowed
to have their eyes open</font>

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<font color="#00FFFF"> underwater, that's OK.</font>

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<font color="#11FF11"> No, but if she's in the sea,
you wouldn't have your eyes open.</font>

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<font color="#00FFFF">Yeah, but she is a merlady.</font>
She's a merperson. <font color="#11FF11"> Well, she's not</font>

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<font color="#11FF11"> a merperson. I mean, it's a woman
dressed up as a merperson.</font>

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OK, I need you to imagine it's a
merperson. <font color="#11FF11"> Well you didn't say that.</font>

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OK. <font color="#11FF11"> Right. </font>So the most
unrealistic thing for you

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is that it doesn't seem like
a real merperson?

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LAUGHTER

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Weirdly, we don't have
a picture of a real merperson.

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So, if you think about
the classic depictions of mermaids,

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try and think about how fish swim.

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So, when fish swim,

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they have their tail
in the same plane as their body,

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and they moved their tails from left
to right to propel themselves.

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Most depictions of merfolk show them
just like that with a tail fin

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perpendicular to
the plane of the body.

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<font color="#FFFF00"> Yeah, but a lot of whales
have that, don't they?</font>

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Well, this is the thing.
So, if mermaids swam like fish...

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<font color="#FFFF00"> Mm. </font>..then they would have
to swim on their side.

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<font color="#FFFF00"> They'd swim like a mammal,
the mermaid, wouldn't they?</font>

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Right, so if they're going to swim
like a whale or a dolphin,

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they're mammals, not fish.

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However, most merpeople
are depicted with scaly and shimmery

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lower halves, which is
a fish characteristic. <font color="#11FF11"> Yes.</font>

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And not the smooth skin
of a cetacean,

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so, a whale or a dolphin.

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And, so, either - this is
what really irritates me -

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the tail orientation is wrong
and a merperson is half-fish,

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or the scales are wrong
and the merperson is half-cetacean -

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you can't have it both ways.

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LAUGHTER

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<font color="#11FF11"> So, your point is,
just to be clear...</font>

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Yeah. <font color="#11FF11"> That they shouldn't have scales
if their tail's like that.</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00"> You can't have both ways.</font>
You can't have it both ways.

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<font color="#11FF11">You can't have it both ways?</font>
<font color="#FFFF00"> You can't have it both ways.</font>

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Well, um...

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LAUGHTER

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<font color="#FFFF00"> That's not what we're talking about.</font>
Oh, sorry!

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<font color="#00FFFF"> And this has really
upset you, hasn't it?</font>

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<font color="#11FF11"> Yeah. </font>It's my show,
I thought we'd talk about it.

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LAUGHTER

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We're going to place a tray
of finds, there they are,

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you've got them. And I would like you
to identify the fossil.

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So, now, you can use
any part of your body,

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except your hands.

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Thank you.

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So, how might you identify
any of them?

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<font color="#00FFFF"> They told me
I wouldn't need my glasses.</font>

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OK, do you want to borrow mine?
Here. <font color="#00FFFF"> Yes. </font>There you go, sweetie.

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<font color="#FFFF00"> Well, these are all pebbles
from a standard British B Road.</font>

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LAUGHTER

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So, Phill is heading
in the right direction.

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TERI: <font color="#00FFFF"> Can I put it in my mouth?</font>

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No, you can't.

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Teri!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Teri is exactly right,
Teri has got the right answer.

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<font color="#11FF11"> Good, good. Good for her.</font>

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So, we've got various ways
of distinguishing fossils from plain

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old rocks, but one of the ways
you do it is to lick them.

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<font color="#11FF11"> Oh, Jesus.</font>

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<font color="#00FFFF"> I'm going to just...</font>

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<font color="#00FFFF"> Pay no attention,
I'm going to lick this long one.</font>

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LAUGHTER

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That's actually a British sweet.
OK... That's...

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<font color="#00FFFF"> I really want to touch it.</font>

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No, no...

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<font color="#FFFF00"> That's the ringtone I want.</font>

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I want you to experiment
with the disc and see

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whether your fingers or your tongue
are better at working out

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the size of the holes in the disc.

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It's the tongue. <span tts: color="white <font color="#FFFF00"> Sorry?</font>
The tongue.</font>

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<font color="#00FFFF">For me it's the fingers.</font>
<font color="#FFFF00"> It's the tongue.</font>

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<font color="#00FFFF">No, it's the fingers.</font>
<font color="#FFFF00"> I can feel different edges.</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00"> I can get the tongue much further in
than you'd think possible, Sara.</font>

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LAUGHTER

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Suddenly I see you in
a new and more positive light, Alan.

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LAUGHTER

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The tongue is much more pliable.

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It's called the oral size illusion,
because your tongue is much

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more pliable, it'll bend
around different surfaces

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more easily, and it should give you
a more accurate picture

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of what you're looking at.
<font color="#11FF11"> So, when I'm measuring up</font>

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<font color="#11FF11"> to put some shelves up,
I should, I should...</font>

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Measure with your tongue.
<font color="#11FF11"> I should go into B&amp;Q and go...</font>

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HE MUMBLES

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<font color="#11FF11"> I need some screws
about that length.</font>

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<font color="#11FF11"> "Are they 2.5mm?" "I don't know..."</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00"> What's interesting to me, Sandi,
is that these three shapes on here,</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00"> I did not successfully identify
what they are</font>

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<font color="#FFFF00"> with either my fingers or my tongue.</font>

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<font color="#00FFFF"> I knew two of them with my tongue,
you were right,</font>

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<font color="#00FFFF"> the tongue was better. </font>Yeah,
well it's that thing, you know when

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you've got a little thing
in your mouth and it seems,

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feels so much bigger to you...
<font color="#00FFFF"> I do know about that, Sandi.</font>

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LAUGHTER

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<font color="#FFFF00"> Stop telling her about everything.</font>

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<font color="#11FF11"> Right, what am I?</font>

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B, try B. <font color="#11FF11"> Try B?</font>

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Yeah, just have a lick of it.

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No, don't put it all
in your mouth, just...

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Just lick it.
<font color="#00FFFF"> Just lick it, just lick it.</font>

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<font color="#00FFFF"> Hasn't anyone ever told you that?</font>

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LAUGHTER

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It's dinosaur poo. <font color="#11FF11"> What is it?</font>
Dinosaur poo.

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What's the correct word
for dinosaur poo?

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00:10:49,171 --> 00:10:51,170
Or any poo that's been fossilised?
<font color="#11FF11"> Delicious!</font>

210
00:10:51,171 --> 00:10:53,305
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

211
00:10:55,305 --> 00:10:58,170
Before the show,
I asked everybody to write a poem.

212
00:10:58,171 --> 00:11:00,571
So, I've got one, here we are.

213
00:11:00,572 --> 00:11:02,170
What would we be without Alan

214
00:11:02,171 --> 00:11:04,705
Totally unbalan... ced

215
00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:06,171
That's where.

216
00:11:07,171 --> 00:11:10,170
It's a haiku. Do you like it?
<font color="#FFFF00"> Yes, very much.</font>

217
00:11:10,171 --> 00:11:12,705
Yeah, it was written by my agent,
I hadn't got time.

218
00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:14,170
LAUGHTER

219
00:11:14,171 --> 00:11:16,170
Do you want to begin?
<font color="#00FFFF"> I've written a haiku as well.</font>

220
00:11:16,171 --> 00:11:18,170
Oh, go for it, darling.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

221
00:11:18,171 --> 00:11:19,171
<font color="#00FFFF"> First time on QI</font>

222
00:11:19,172 --> 00:11:22,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> Must not swear and let Mum down</font>

223
00:11:22,171 --> 00:11:24,171
<font color="#00FFFF"> Piece of fucking piss.</font>

224
00:11:31,171 --> 00:11:33,170
She'll be so proud. <font color="#00FFFF"> Thank you, Sandi.</font>

225
00:11:33,171 --> 00:11:35,170
Joe.

226
00:11:35,171 --> 00:11:37,170
<font color="#11FF11"> Can I have absolute silence, please?</font>

227
00:11:37,171 --> 00:11:39,170
LAUGHTER

228
00:11:39,171 --> 00:11:43,105
<font color="#11FF11"> I really like to go on QI</font>

229
00:11:43,106 --> 00:11:44,972
<font color="#11FF11"> It is better than if I die</font>

230
00:11:44,973 --> 00:11:46,972
<font color="#11FF11"> Sandi Toksvig is so nice</font>

231
00:11:46,973 --> 00:11:49,170
<font color="#11FF11"> But Alan Davies has got lice</font>

232
00:11:49,171 --> 00:11:51,171
LAUGHTER

233
00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:55,105
<font color="#11FF11"> Thank you, thank you.</font>

234
00:11:55,106 --> 00:11:56,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> I liked you.</font>

235
00:11:56,171 --> 00:11:59,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> I have actually been
treated for that.</font>

236
00:11:59,171 --> 00:12:03,170
Phil? <font color="#00FFFF"> I've written a poem
on the theme of pastime,</font>

237
00:12:03,171 --> 00:12:05,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> which is the theme of the episode.</font>

238
00:12:05,171 --> 00:12:07,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> It's called One T Or Two?</font>

239
00:12:07,171 --> 00:12:10,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> Does pastime have one T or two?</font>

240
00:12:10,171 --> 00:12:12,838
<font color="#00FFFF"> I haven't the foggiest, do you?</font>

241
00:12:12,839 --> 00:12:14,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> I suppose it doesn't matter</font>

242
00:12:14,171 --> 00:12:16,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> We're only here for the patter</font>

243
00:12:16,171 --> 00:12:18,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> Does anyone else need a poo?</font>

244
00:12:18,171 --> 00:12:20,105
<font color="#00FFFF"> I sort of panicked
at the end, I think.</font>

245
00:12:20,106 --> 00:12:21,838
LAUGHTER

246
00:12:21,839 --> 00:12:23,171
APPLAUSE

247
00:12:26,305 --> 00:12:29,171
Where would we find beer in the sky?

248
00:12:29,172 --> 00:12:31,170
<font color="#11FF11"> Oh, in space.</font>

249
00:12:31,171 --> 00:12:35,170
In space, about 10,000 light-years
from Earth.

250
00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:38,171
<font color="#11FF11"> Did someone lob a can up,
it's just landed.</font>

251
00:12:38,172 --> 00:12:42,170
Here is an incredible thing -
there is a giant cloud of alcohol

252
00:12:42,171 --> 00:12:44,170
with enough ethyl alcohol

253
00:12:44,171 --> 00:12:47,170
for 400 trillion trillion

254
00:12:47,171 --> 00:12:49,170
pints of beer.

255
00:12:49,171 --> 00:12:55,170
That is enough for every person
on Earth to drink 300,000 pints

256
00:12:55,171 --> 00:12:58,170
every day for a billion years.

257
00:12:58,171 --> 00:13:01,171
LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

258
00:13:06,171 --> 00:13:10,705
<font color="#11FF11"> Why are we living here? </font>Because
it's spiked with hydrogen cyanide.

259
00:13:10,706 --> 00:13:14,170
<font color="#11FF11"> <font color="#00FFFF"> Classic. </font>Damn those Russians.</font>

260
00:13:14,171 --> 00:13:17,171
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

261
00:13:18,839 --> 00:13:22,838
But the intriguing thing is that
the cloud contains ethyl formate,

262
00:13:22,839 --> 00:13:26,170
so that is... it's the chemical
compound that helps give raspberries

263
00:13:26,171 --> 00:13:29,705
their taste, and it reportedly
smells like rum.

264
00:13:29,706 --> 00:13:33,170
It seems that the centre
of our galaxy may taste

265
00:13:33,171 --> 00:13:36,170
and smell like
raspberry-flavoured rum.

266
00:13:36,171 --> 00:13:38,105
<font color="#11FF11"> Oh, my God.</font>

267
00:13:38,106 --> 00:13:41,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> Can I just ask, when you say
it reportedly smells like rum...</font>

268
00:13:41,171 --> 00:13:42,171
Yeah.

269
00:13:42,172 --> 00:13:44,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> ..who reported it?</font>

270
00:13:44,171 --> 00:13:47,170
Well, we know what the chemical is
and we know what the chemical

271
00:13:47,171 --> 00:13:50,105
smells like, but nobody's been there.
<font color="#00FFFF"> Right. </font>You could volunteer.

272
00:13:50,106 --> 00:13:51,170
<font color="#11FF11"> I'm here now. Yeah, like...</font>

273
00:13:51,171 --> 00:13:53,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> What's it smell like,
what's it smell like?</font>

274
00:13:53,171 --> 00:13:56,170
<font color="#11FF11"> I mean, it could be blackberries,
I think it's raspberries,</font>

275
00:13:56,171 --> 00:13:59,170
<font color="#11FF11"> <font color="#FFFF00"> Doris disagrees. </font>Have you had
raspberries for breakfast?</font>

276
00:13:59,171 --> 00:14:02,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> <font color="#11FF11"> Could it be that? </font>Oh, I did, yes,
I actually I did, now I think of it.</font>

277
00:14:02,171 --> 00:14:04,438
You know people who do
those wine things, isn't it?

278
00:14:04,439 --> 00:14:07,170
They're always like,
"Mm, I'm getting blackcurrant,

279
00:14:07,171 --> 00:14:10,171
"I'm getting running
naked through heather..."

280
00:14:12,171 --> 00:14:15,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> Skirting boards,
I'm getting skirting boards...</font>

281
00:14:15,171 --> 00:14:16,571
<font color="#FFFF00"> ..and linoleum. You've fallen over.</font>

282
00:14:16,572 --> 00:14:18,171
LAUGHTER

283
00:14:20,171 --> 00:14:23,105
Now, you mentioned astrology,
that's another way

284
00:14:23,106 --> 00:14:26,170
in which human beings try and
sort of divide themselves up.

285
00:14:26,171 --> 00:14:29,170
So, I'm just like this,
so, I'm a Taurean.

286
00:14:29,171 --> 00:14:31,838
So, let's have a look, Sara, what...?

287
00:14:31,839 --> 00:14:33,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> I'm a Gemini, just after...</font>

288
00:14:33,171 --> 00:14:35,171
ALARM BLARES

289
00:14:37,171 --> 00:14:39,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> OK, did you mean, like, my risings?</font>

290
00:14:39,171 --> 00:14:40,438
No.

291
00:14:40,439 --> 00:14:42,972
Johnny, what star sign are you?

292
00:14:42,973 --> 00:14:44,571
<font color="#11FF11"> Oh, Virgo.</font>

293
00:14:44,572 --> 00:14:46,170
Yeah, yeah, no, OK.

294
00:14:46,171 --> 00:14:48,171
<font color="#FFFF00"> John Virgo!</font>

295
00:14:49,171 --> 00:14:51,304
Ed, what are you? <font color="#00FFFF"> I'm a Pisces.</font>

296
00:14:51,305 --> 00:14:53,170
Pisces?

297
00:14:53,171 --> 00:14:55,170
Oh... OK, and what are you, Alan?

298
00:14:55,171 --> 00:14:58,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> Well, now, I think I know
what's going on here.</font>

299
00:14:58,171 --> 00:14:59,171
Oh...

300
00:14:59,172 --> 00:15:01,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> <font color="#FFFF00"> Thank God somebody does. </font>Yeah.</font>

301
00:15:01,171 --> 00:15:04,438
<font color="#FFFF00"> Because all the stars
and the alignment of the...</font>

302
00:15:04,439 --> 00:15:07,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> ..where the planet is were set
by astrologists a long time ago,</font>

303
00:15:07,171 --> 00:15:10,171
<font color="#FFFF00"> but actually everything's moved
a little bit. </font>Everything's moved.

304
00:15:10,172 --> 00:15:12,438
<font color="#FFFF00"> So, you think if you're
born at that time of year</font>

305
00:15:12,439 --> 00:15:15,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> that you're born under those stars,
but you're not. </font>No, so,

306
00:15:15,171 --> 00:15:17,972
the modern star signs are all
based on those of ancient Babylon

307
00:15:17,973 --> 00:15:19,170
and the night sky
has completely moved.

308
00:15:19,171 --> 00:15:22,170
Um, you're actually a Leo,
in case you wanted to know.

309
00:15:22,171 --> 00:15:23,838
<font color="#11FF11"> I'm really not.</font>

310
00:15:23,839 --> 00:15:25,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> So that means I'm a Taurus?</font>

311
00:15:25,171 --> 00:15:29,170
So, you, Sara are actually a Taurus,
and, Alan, you were actually

312
00:15:29,171 --> 00:15:32,170
born under Aquarius. <font color="#FFFF00">Oh, cool.</font>
<font color="#11FF11"> And what am I?</font>

313
00:15:32,171 --> 00:15:34,439
I think we got the date of your birth
entirely wrong, so...

314
00:15:37,172 --> 00:15:39,170
ALARM BLARES

315
00:15:39,171 --> 00:15:40,706
LAUGHTER

316
00:15:46,171 --> 00:15:49,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> I did a tandem skydive,
that's the most frightening thing...</font>

317
00:15:49,171 --> 00:15:51,170
Why, why did you do it?
<font color="#FFFF00"> Do you know why?</font>

318
00:15:51,171 --> 00:15:54,105
<font color="#FFFF00"> Because I had a girlfriend
who was always on about how brave</font>

319
00:15:54,106 --> 00:15:55,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> her ex-boyfriend was.</font>

320
00:15:55,171 --> 00:15:57,171
LAUGHTER

321
00:15:58,171 --> 00:16:00,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> And, to be fair to him,</font>

322
00:16:00,171 --> 00:16:03,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> he was a battlefield medic
in the army.</font>

323
00:16:03,171 --> 00:16:06,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> So, I mean, he was terrifically
brave, highly trained.</font>

324
00:16:06,171 --> 00:16:08,171
AS ALAN: <font color="#00FFFF"> I do comedy.</font>

325
00:16:10,171 --> 00:16:12,705
<font color="#FFFF00"> And, then, but then she really
hurt my feelings when she said</font>

326
00:16:12,706 --> 00:16:15,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> he was also the funniest
person she'd ever met.</font>

327
00:16:15,171 --> 00:16:19,105
<font color="#FFFF00"> I was in Cairns in Queensland,
I was nowhere near home,</font>

328
00:16:19,106 --> 00:16:22,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> so I thought, I'm going to do
a tandem parachute jump,</font>

329
00:16:22,171 --> 00:16:24,171
<font color="#FFFF00"> I'll show her.
And I absolutely shat myself.</font>

330
00:16:24,172 --> 00:16:26,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> It's so frightening.</font>

331
00:16:26,171 --> 00:16:29,170
<font color="#11FF11"> Cos also you were being like babied
by another man behind you, so...</font>

332
00:16:29,171 --> 00:16:31,171
<font color="#FFFF00"> You're being strapped onto
a total stranger.</font>

333
00:16:31,172 --> 00:16:33,171
<font color="#00FFFF"> Oh, it wasn't him, was it?</font>

334
00:16:36,171 --> 00:16:39,170
<font color="#FFFF00">Let's make this interesting.</font>
<font color="#00FFFF"> It's me, Alan.</font>

335
00:16:39,171 --> 00:16:41,171
<font color="#FFFF00"> The bravest man in the world.</font>

336
00:16:42,172 --> 00:16:45,706
<font color="#00FFFF"> Let me tell you a joke as we're
going down, cos I'm really funny.</font>

337
00:16:47,172 --> 00:16:50,105
<font color="#FFFF00"> They told us, whether this is
true or not I don't know,</font>

338
00:16:50,106 --> 00:16:52,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> they said the plane can't land
with this much weight in it,</font>

339
00:16:52,171 --> 00:16:54,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> so we do have to jump out.</font>

340
00:16:54,171 --> 00:16:56,171
LAUGHTER

341
00:16:57,839 --> 00:17:00,304
<font color="#00FFFF"> Someone asked me once if
I wanted to go bungee jumping,</font>

342
00:17:00,305 --> 00:17:03,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> and I don't like heights either, so
I said, "I'll go up and watch you."</font>

343
00:17:03,171 --> 00:17:05,838
<font color="#00FFFF"> And this was in Australia as well.
And he got to the edge,</font>

344
00:17:05,839 --> 00:17:09,105
<font color="#00FFFF"> and the guy says, "Right, now when
I say jump, you've got to jump."</font>

345
00:17:09,106 --> 00:17:10,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> He says, "OK."</font>

346
00:17:10,171 --> 00:17:13,172
<font color="#00FFFF"> "Jump." And just as he jumped,
he went, "Not yet!"</font>

347
00:17:15,172 --> 00:17:17,171
<font color="#00FFFF"> As he fell.</font>

348
00:17:19,171 --> 00:17:21,706
<font color="#00FFFF"> That's not funny, mate.</font>

349
00:17:23,973 --> 00:17:26,838
<font color="#00FFFF"> That is really not funny, is it?
And the look on his face,</font>

350
00:17:26,839 --> 00:17:28,572
<font color="#00FFFF"> "Did you see that, what I did?"</font>

351
00:17:33,171 --> 00:17:37,170
Right, now, Alan, I would like you
to put this on, please.

352
00:17:37,171 --> 00:17:39,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> Oh! Why certainly, Sandi.</font>

353
00:17:39,171 --> 00:17:42,170
Thank you very much.
<font color="#FFFF00"> Is it a hat?</font>

354
00:17:42,171 --> 00:17:44,170
It is a hat, yes. Pop that on.

355
00:17:44,171 --> 00:17:47,170
Now my question is,
what activity is Alan

356
00:17:47,171 --> 00:17:49,171
now perfectly dressed to do?

357
00:17:50,171 --> 00:17:52,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> Is it a taco hat?</font>

358
00:17:52,171 --> 00:17:55,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> At parties, sometimes they get
people to walk around</font>

359
00:17:55,171 --> 00:17:59,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> and a dip in the centre and
some tacos, and then you dip them</font>

360
00:17:59,171 --> 00:18:01,705
<font color="#00FFFF">into the man's head.</font>
<font color="#FFFF00"> Feels like a bicycle tyre.</font>

361
00:18:01,706 --> 00:18:04,170
OK, when you do know what it is
you'll be horrified

362
00:18:04,171 --> 00:18:06,170
at the thought of
serving dip from this.

363
00:18:06,171 --> 00:18:08,171
<font color="#11FF11"> Is it a contraceptive?</font>

364
00:18:10,171 --> 00:18:14,170
So, it's exactly the reverse
of a contraceptive.

365
00:18:14,171 --> 00:18:18,105
<font color="#00FFFF"> It's an erection hat.</font>
It is kind of a erection hat.

366
00:18:18,106 --> 00:18:20,571
<font color="#00FFFF"> OK. </font>OK, so, this is...

367
00:18:20,572 --> 00:18:22,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> It's not working.</font>

368
00:18:22,171 --> 00:18:25,170
LAUGHTER

369
00:18:25,171 --> 00:18:26,305
APPLAUSE

370
00:18:29,171 --> 00:18:31,171
<font color="#FFFF00"> Patience, everyone. I'm 52.</font>

371
00:18:32,171 --> 00:18:34,706
I'm very pleased
because it's for a falcon.

372
00:18:36,171 --> 00:18:38,170
It's a falcon sex hat.

373
00:18:38,171 --> 00:18:41,170
It was invented to save the peregrine
falcon from extinction.

374
00:18:41,171 --> 00:18:45,170
So, the peregrine trainer
wears this hat

375
00:18:45,171 --> 00:18:48,171
and encourages the bird
to mate with his head.

376
00:18:49,171 --> 00:18:50,171
<font color="#FFFF00"> Come on.</font>

377
00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:53,171
<font color="#FFFF00"> Come on, you know you want to.</font>

378
00:18:56,171 --> 00:18:57,571
<font color="#FFFF00"> Oh!</font>

379
00:18:57,572 --> 00:18:59,170
It's that.

380
00:18:59,171 --> 00:19:02,171
So, in the 1970s, the whole species
was threatened to be wiped out.

381
00:19:02,172 --> 00:19:05,170
The pesticides were damaging
their eggs and so...

382
00:19:05,171 --> 00:19:06,571
<font color="#11FF11"> Oh, look, it works!</font>

383
00:19:06,572 --> 00:19:08,170
It does absolutely work.

384
00:19:08,171 --> 00:19:11,170
A captive breeding programme
was set up.

385
00:19:11,171 --> 00:19:12,171
So, here is the problem.

386
00:19:12,172 --> 00:19:15,171
Falcons are usually
more attracted to their owners

387
00:19:15,172 --> 00:19:18,705
than they are to other birds.
It's a phenomenon called imprinting.

388
00:19:18,706 --> 00:19:21,170
So, when a young falcon comes
out of its egg, it gets attached

389
00:19:21,171 --> 00:19:24,170
to the very first thing it sees.
It could be a rubber boot

390
00:19:24,171 --> 00:19:25,171
or it could be an electric train,

391
00:19:25,172 --> 00:19:28,170
it could be anything
but, quite often, it is the owner

392
00:19:28,171 --> 00:19:30,171
so, they want to mate...

393
00:19:33,171 --> 00:19:35,170
They want to mate
with their carers and the hat

394
00:19:35,171 --> 00:19:38,170
is invented to catch
the resulting semen.

395
00:19:38,171 --> 00:19:40,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> Oh, God! </font>It can be collected...

396
00:19:40,171 --> 00:19:43,972
I know. The thing you're wearing,
that's why I said you don't want

397
00:19:43,973 --> 00:19:46,171
to eat dip out of it. <font color="#00FFFF"> No, I really
don't. </font>The thing you're wearing...

398
00:19:46,172 --> 00:19:48,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> It's got falcon ejaculate in it?</font>

399
00:19:48,171 --> 00:19:51,170
It's got little tiny pockets in it,
the falcon wants to mate,

400
00:19:51,171 --> 00:19:55,105
and it goes onto the hat because,
you know, it likes the owner,

401
00:19:55,106 --> 00:19:59,170
and you can catch the semen
from those little tiny pockets.

402
00:19:59,171 --> 00:20:01,170
ALAN MIMICS FALCON MOANING

403
00:20:01,171 --> 00:20:04,170
It totally works.
In the 1970s, the population...

404
00:20:04,171 --> 00:20:05,304
ALAN MIMICS FALCON SNORING

405
00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:07,171
LAUGHTER

406
00:20:13,305 --> 00:20:16,304
How would you test to see if
it's warm enough

407
00:20:16,305 --> 00:20:19,171
to put your plants outside?
<font color="#FFFF00"> Go outside?</font>

408
00:20:20,171 --> 00:20:24,170
OK, so that's still in
underpant, bottom...

409
00:20:24,171 --> 00:20:27,305
<font color="#00FFFF"> Well, if you take them off
and you shrivel up...</font>

410
00:20:29,171 --> 00:20:30,571
<font color="#00FFFF"> ..it's too cold.</font>

411
00:20:30,572 --> 00:20:32,705
<font color="#00FFFF"> Put your pants back on.</font>

412
00:20:32,706 --> 00:20:35,305
<font color="#00FFFF"> If it looks like a little mushroom
peeping out of a bush...</font>

413
00:20:38,171 --> 00:20:41,839
How smelly your pumps are,
is it that? <font color="#11FF11"> <font color="#FFFF00"> Excuse me?</font>

414
00:20:43,171 --> 00:20:45,170
I love this but I can
only describe it as

415
00:20:45,171 --> 00:20:47,171
a cul-de-sac of conversation so...

416
00:20:48,305 --> 00:20:51,705
Steering back to the motorway
of actual information.

417
00:20:51,706 --> 00:20:54,171
<font color="#FFFF00"> Oh, it's not that, then?</font>
It's not that.

418
00:20:54,172 --> 00:20:58,170
So, in order to assess,
you sit down with your bare bottom

419
00:20:58,171 --> 00:21:02,170
in the ploughed field,
and if it is comfortable enough

420
00:21:02,171 --> 00:21:07,170
to sit on the field, then it is warm
enough to plant out your crops.

421
00:21:07,171 --> 00:21:10,171
<font color="#00FFFF"> I'm telling you,
science funding is a sham.</font>

422
00:21:12,839 --> 00:21:15,171
<font color="#00FFFF"> They are having a laugh out there!</font>

423
00:21:16,171 --> 00:21:19,304
<font color="#FFFF00"> <font color="#00FFFF"> Take your pants off
and sit over there. </font>Unbelievable!</font>

424
00:21:19,305 --> 00:21:22,170
<font color="#11FF11"> Does this initiative actually work?</font>

425
00:21:22,171 --> 00:21:26,170
<font color="#11FF11"> Are there hundreds and thousands
of farmers up and down the country</font>

426
00:21:26,171 --> 00:21:29,838
<font color="#11FF11"> wearing no pants and sitting...</font>

427
00:21:29,839 --> 00:21:32,105
<font color="#FFFF00"> With bum prints across their field,</font>

428
00:21:32,106 --> 00:21:33,972
<font color="#FFFF00"> as far as you can see.</font>

429
00:21:33,973 --> 00:21:36,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> Maybe that's how they get
crop circles.</font>

430
00:21:36,171 --> 00:21:38,170
LAUGHTER

431
00:21:38,171 --> 00:21:40,171
APPLAUSE

432
00:21:44,171 --> 00:21:47,170
It is the practice of
people throwing,

433
00:21:47,171 --> 00:21:49,304
or tossing people on blankets.

434
00:21:49,305 --> 00:21:50,438
So...

435
00:21:50,439 --> 00:21:52,170
LAUGHTER

436
00:21:52,171 --> 00:21:54,170
This guy in the middle
is called Johann Unzer,

437
00:21:54,171 --> 00:21:56,170
he was a German doctor
and he lived in the 18th century.

438
00:21:56,171 --> 00:21:59,105
He was visiting Corsica
and he wrote down about this.

439
00:21:59,106 --> 00:22:03,170
When a married man died,
it was common for villagers to toss

440
00:22:03,171 --> 00:22:07,170
the corpse on a blanket for hours
on end, which occasionally

441
00:22:07,171 --> 00:22:10,171
had the effect of
bringing him back to life.

442
00:22:11,171 --> 00:22:14,170
If he didn't come back to life,
then the local women would gather

443
00:22:14,171 --> 00:22:16,172
and they would beat his widow
as a punishment...

444
00:22:18,171 --> 00:22:20,170
..for letting him die.

445
00:22:20,171 --> 00:22:23,972
If it turned out he wasn't dead,
then I imagine she dealt with him.

446
00:22:23,973 --> 00:22:27,105
It's not uncommon,
not just in Corsica,

447
00:22:27,106 --> 00:22:29,438
so, you get it in Spain,
it's called "pelele,"

448
00:22:29,439 --> 00:22:31,170
and "prellen" in Germany.

449
00:22:31,171 --> 00:22:34,170
It's a bit like giving somebody
the bumps on their birthday,

450
00:22:34,171 --> 00:22:37,170
and it was a common thing to toss
people up and down in that way.

451
00:22:37,171 --> 00:22:40,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> Is there any, like,
medical basis for that to work?</font>

452
00:22:40,171 --> 00:22:42,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> Like, jolting the heart?</font>
Well, it could be.

453
00:22:42,171 --> 00:22:45,170
It has a kind of superstitious
background to it.

454
00:22:45,171 --> 00:22:48,170
So, the idea of tossing things
in the air to ward off evil spirits.

455
00:22:48,171 --> 00:22:50,304
And it probably comes
from winnowing, so you know

456
00:22:50,305 --> 00:22:53,438
about separating the wheat
from the chaff, so the simplest way

457
00:22:53,439 --> 00:22:56,170
is to toss it in the air,
because the chaff is lighter

458
00:22:56,171 --> 00:22:59,105
than the wheat and the wind
will blow it away.

459
00:22:59,106 --> 00:23:01,705
And, so, there's a sort of symbolic
thing of doing that

460
00:23:01,706 --> 00:23:04,438
with human beings. <font color="#FFFF00"> He's dead!
He's alive! He's alive!</font>

461
00:23:04,439 --> 00:23:06,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> Oh, he's dead again.</font>

462
00:23:06,171 --> 00:23:08,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> His neck's broken.</font>

463
00:23:08,171 --> 00:23:09,572
LAUGHTER

464
00:23:11,106 --> 00:23:12,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> Where's his widow? It's your fault.</font>

465
00:23:12,171 --> 00:23:14,170
Yeah, it's your fault.

466
00:23:14,171 --> 00:23:17,170
One of the most famous
recipients of a tossing,

467
00:23:17,171 --> 00:23:19,170
Sancho Panza, from which book?

468
00:23:19,171 --> 00:23:21,571
<font color="#FFFF00"> Oh, Don Quixote. </font>Don Quixote.

469
00:23:21,572 --> 00:23:23,170
Chapter 17.

470
00:23:23,171 --> 00:23:26,170
He and his master
refused to pay an innkeeper's bill,

471
00:23:26,171 --> 00:23:28,170
and so he's grabbed by
a group of lodgers

472
00:23:28,171 --> 00:23:30,170
and they toss him up and down.

473
00:23:30,171 --> 00:23:32,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> Queen Elizabeth,
she was tossed, wasn't she?</font>

474
00:23:32,171 --> 00:23:33,705
Queen Elizabeth I? <font color="#FFFF00"> II.</font>

475
00:23:33,706 --> 00:23:35,705
II? <font color="#FFFF00"> Yeah.</font>

476
00:23:35,706 --> 00:23:37,305
<font color="#FFFF00"> The day of the coronation.</font>

477
00:23:40,171 --> 00:23:44,170
Do tell. <font color="#FFFF00"> Well, they had a rehearsal
and the Archbishop of Canterbury</font>

478
00:23:44,171 --> 00:23:46,438
<font color="#FFFF00"> and a few of the cohorts,
they gave her a toss.</font>

479
00:23:46,439 --> 00:23:49,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> And that's the tradition.
People aren't familiar with it</font>

480
00:23:49,171 --> 00:23:51,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> because we haven't had a coronation
for ages,</font>

481
00:23:51,171 --> 00:23:52,439
<font color="#FFFF00"> but Charles is next. </font>Really?!

482
00:23:54,171 --> 00:23:56,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> Is that actually a thing?</font>

483
00:23:56,171 --> 00:23:57,705
<font color="#FFFF00"> Of course not, you fool!</font>

484
00:23:57,706 --> 00:24:00,171
LAUGHTER

485
00:24:08,171 --> 00:24:12,170
Now, then, my poppets,
I have got these for you.

486
00:24:12,171 --> 00:24:14,170
This is for Aisling.

487
00:24:14,171 --> 00:24:16,705
<font color="#FFFF00"> Am I supposed to show you
on the doll where he touched me?</font>

488
00:24:16,706 --> 00:24:18,305
LAUGHTER

489
00:24:19,839 --> 00:24:21,170
Jason...

490
00:24:21,171 --> 00:24:22,171
..and Alan.

491
00:24:22,172 --> 00:24:25,972
And then we have me here.

492
00:24:25,973 --> 00:24:28,171
Anybody know what they are? <font color="#FFFF00"> I'm going
to take a stab in the dark and say</font>

493
00:24:28,172 --> 00:24:32,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> are they dolls?</font>
Yes, a very particular kind of doll.

494
00:24:32,171 --> 00:24:34,438
Ideally, you should have
each other's is the thing,

495
00:24:34,439 --> 00:24:37,170
so if we can swap around,
we can all... I've got Jason's...

496
00:24:37,171 --> 00:24:39,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> Are they voodoo dolls?</font>

497
00:24:39,171 --> 00:24:42,170
They are poppets, also known as
pippies or moppets,

498
00:24:42,171 --> 00:24:45,170
and they are traditionally used
in European folk magic.

499
00:24:45,171 --> 00:24:48,170
So, they're for
casting spells on people.

500
00:24:48,171 --> 00:24:50,170
So, if you wanted to
get somebody out of your life,

501
00:24:50,171 --> 00:24:53,172
you might fill a poppet... What are
you doing with my poppet down there?

502
00:24:56,171 --> 00:24:58,170
My poppet does not want to be
down there!

503
00:24:58,171 --> 00:25:00,171
LAUGHTER

504
00:25:06,171 --> 00:25:09,170
I don't know why, but I feel the need
to rinse my mouth.

505
00:25:09,171 --> 00:25:12,171
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

506
00:25:16,305 --> 00:25:20,170
It's something called Third Man
syndrome, and it is the sensation

507
00:25:20,171 --> 00:25:23,170
of the presence
of an extra, unseen person.

508
00:25:23,171 --> 00:25:25,170
It happens in extreme situations,

509
00:25:25,171 --> 00:25:27,170
the most vivid are experienced
by adventurers.

510
00:25:27,171 --> 00:25:31,105
In 1933, there was a solo attempt
to climb Everest by a British

511
00:25:31,106 --> 00:25:35,170
explorer called Frank Smythe,
and he got within 1,000 feet

512
00:25:35,171 --> 00:25:38,170
of the top and he had
the strongest sensation that

513
00:25:38,171 --> 00:25:42,170
somebody was with him, so strong
that he broke off a piece of...

514
00:25:42,171 --> 00:25:44,170
..I don't know, Kendal Mint Cake
or whatever it was,

515
00:25:44,171 --> 00:25:47,170
and he handed it, or tried to hand
it to this other person.

516
00:25:47,171 --> 00:25:49,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> It was probably the bloke
holding the camera.</font>

517
00:25:49,171 --> 00:25:51,171
LAUGHTER

518
00:25:53,171 --> 00:25:56,170
Ernest Shackleton
reported exactly the same sensation.

519
00:25:56,171 --> 00:25:58,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> That's really weird.</font>

520
00:25:58,171 --> 00:26:01,304
And I wonder if you know TS Eliot's
poem, The Wasteland,

521
00:26:01,305 --> 00:26:05,171
it's in there, it's inspired
by Shackleton's experience.

522
00:26:15,171 --> 00:26:18,171
<font color="#00FFFF"> <font color="#11FF11"> That's Gandalf. </font>Shaft!</font>

523
00:26:19,439 --> 00:26:22,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> It did feel a bit karaoke, that,
didn't it?</font>

524
00:26:22,171 --> 00:26:25,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> TS Eliot karaoke, I want to do.</font>

525
00:26:25,171 --> 00:26:29,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> # Who is the third
who walks always beside you?</font>

526
00:26:29,171 --> 00:26:32,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> # Only you and I together</font>

527
00:26:32,171 --> 00:26:34,171
<font color="#00FFFF"> # But when I look ahead</font>

528
00:26:34,172 --> 00:26:37,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> # Up the white road</font>

529
00:26:37,171 --> 00:26:40,171
TOGETHER: <font color="#11FF11"> # There is always another
one walking beside you! #</font>

530
00:26:42,106 --> 00:26:44,171
APPLAUSE

531
00:26:48,171 --> 00:26:50,304
<font color="#FFFF00"> Try moving my arms
and see if it works.</font>

532
00:26:50,305 --> 00:26:53,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> I'll move your right...
I'll move Aisling's right arm. Oh!</font>

533
00:26:53,171 --> 00:26:57,171
It's magic. <font color="#00FFFF"> <font color="#FFFF00"> And I appear to be
touching my own breasts. </font>Oh, no!</font>

534
00:26:59,106 --> 00:27:00,839
<font color="#FFFF00"> This joke has backfired!</font>

535
00:27:03,839 --> 00:27:07,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> Wait a minute. Who's this?</font>

536
00:27:07,171 --> 00:27:09,171
LAUGHTER

537
00:27:11,171 --> 00:27:13,171
APPLAUSE

538
00:27:17,839 --> 00:27:20,170
Why would you say
the Pope's name three times

539
00:27:20,171 --> 00:27:22,304
and then whack his ring
with a hammer?

540
00:27:22,305 --> 00:27:23,839
<font color="#FFFF00"> His ring?!</font>

541
00:27:24,839 --> 00:27:26,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> Because...</font>

542
00:27:26,171 --> 00:27:29,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> Because he forgot the safeword!</font>

543
00:27:29,171 --> 00:27:31,170
LAUGHTER

544
00:27:31,171 --> 00:27:33,171
APPLAUSE

545
00:27:40,171 --> 00:27:42,170
Bloody marvellous.

546
00:27:42,171 --> 00:27:44,170
I live for those moments.

547
00:27:44,171 --> 00:27:46,172
<font color="#00FFFF"> He doesn't say a lot,
but when he says it, it lands.</font>

548
00:27:49,106 --> 00:27:50,171
The answer is because he's...

549
00:27:50,172 --> 00:27:52,171
<font color="#FFFF00"> A nail?</font>

550
00:27:55,171 --> 00:27:57,170
<font color="#00FFFF"> Francis, Francis, Francis!</font>

551
00:27:57,171 --> 00:27:59,304
<font color="#11FF11"> He's dead?</font>
He's dead, you're absolutely right.

552
00:27:59,305 --> 00:28:01,171
<font color="#00FFFF"> Why do you have to hit his ring
with a hammer?</font>

553
00:28:01,172 --> 00:28:04,838
OK, so there is a thing called
the Apostolic Camera,

554
00:28:04,839 --> 00:28:07,170
so, it's an office of the Roman Curia

555
00:28:07,171 --> 00:28:10,171
that is a largely ceremonial office
until the Pope dies.

556
00:28:10,172 --> 00:28:14,170
At this point, the Camerlengo,
he's the cardinal in charge

557
00:28:14,171 --> 00:28:18,170
of the Apostolic Camera,
in he goes, he comes.

558
00:28:18,171 --> 00:28:19,838
ITALIAN ACCENT: <font color="#FFFF00"> I's in charge of it.</font>

559
00:28:19,839 --> 00:28:23,304
His duty is
to ceremonially verify...

560
00:28:23,305 --> 00:28:25,972
ITALIAN ACCENT: <font color="#FFFF00"> I whack him
with a fucking hammer.</font>

561
00:28:25,973 --> 00:28:28,171
LAUGHTER

562
00:28:30,171 --> 00:28:32,171
<font color="#FFFF00"> A-bang, bang, bang!</font>

563
00:28:34,171 --> 00:28:37,171
<font color="#FFFF00"> Francis, Francis, Francis? A-boom!</font>

564
00:28:39,171 --> 00:28:42,170
<font color="#FFFF00"> Right in the ring hole.</font>
Well, kind of. Erm...

565
00:28:42,171 --> 00:28:44,839
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE