1 00:00:26,999 --> 00:00:28,999 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 2 00:00:29,999 --> 00:00:33,999 Thank very you much. Welcome to QI. 3 00:00:35,566 --> 00:00:39,440 According to the latest research, the average person has five secrets 4 00:00:39,442 --> 00:00:42,441 which they've never told to a living soul, 5 00:00:42,442 --> 00:00:46,376 so I'd like tonight to hear one of yours, please. 6 00:00:46,377 --> 00:00:47,441 Are you looking at me? 7 00:00:47,442 --> 00:00:49,293 I was, darling, but I think you've given enough. 8 00:00:49,295 --> 00:00:52,441 For subtitling services, contatct: waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com 9 00:00:52,442 --> 00:00:54,441 I'll give you all five. OK, go. 10 00:00:54,442 --> 00:00:55,442 Where I keep my keys... Yes? 11 00:00:55,443 --> 00:00:56,710 ..and four murders. 12 00:01:00,443 --> 00:01:03,441 I was once walking home across Hampstead Heath, 13 00:01:03,442 --> 00:01:06,441 and I got caught short and I had to do a poo under some leaves. 14 00:01:06,442 --> 00:01:08,442 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 15 00:01:15,710 --> 00:01:18,442 Did you have to do that five times? 16 00:01:20,442 --> 00:01:23,441 Four other secret poos I've done, probably. 17 00:01:23,442 --> 00:01:26,441 Sorry, so let's just retrace our steps. Yeah. 18 00:01:26,442 --> 00:01:29,441 So, you're crossing Hampstead Heath, trousers down... 19 00:01:29,442 --> 00:01:31,441 No, I didn't have my trousers down until I needed to go. 20 00:01:31,442 --> 00:01:34,441 He doesn't walk around with his trousers down... Do you? 21 00:01:34,442 --> 00:01:40,243 But then, then as I went to pull my trousers up, 22 00:01:40,244 --> 00:01:41,441 I slipped over in it and fell. 23 00:01:41,442 --> 00:01:43,441 GROANING 24 00:01:43,442 --> 00:01:45,441 Excuse me, sorry, have you not been mocking me? 25 00:01:45,442 --> 00:01:48,441 I'm not mocking you. I've been sympathetic. No, you haven't! 26 00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:49,710 And you've shat in a bush. 27 00:01:52,710 --> 00:01:54,441 Did you have any paper with you? 28 00:01:54,442 --> 00:01:57,441 No, I used some leaves, and that's what I slipped on. 29 00:01:57,442 --> 00:02:01,441 And... my glasses fell off, 30 00:02:01,442 --> 00:02:04,441 and I had to go home and when I got home, 31 00:02:04,442 --> 00:02:05,442 I couldn't properly see my house. 32 00:02:05,443 --> 00:02:08,441 I thought, where am I going? My glasses have fallen off! 33 00:02:08,442 --> 00:02:10,441 And I had to go back and look for them. 34 00:02:10,442 --> 00:02:11,442 How drunk were you? 35 00:02:12,442 --> 00:02:14,442 I was pretty pissed. A bit steaming. 36 00:02:16,377 --> 00:02:18,441 The Columbia Business School - it was a study. 37 00:02:18,442 --> 00:02:21,109 They used 38 categories of secrets, so there's all the normal ones 38 00:02:21,110 --> 00:02:22,441 that you might have, you know, stealing, 39 00:02:22,442 --> 00:02:25,243 cheating, fancying somebody that you shouldn't fancy, 40 00:02:25,244 --> 00:02:27,441 and all that stuff, but they also had some odd choices, 41 00:02:27,442 --> 00:02:28,442 so a secret opinion, 42 00:02:28,443 --> 00:02:32,441 not liking something that people think that you like. 43 00:02:32,442 --> 00:02:34,441 Planning a surprise for somebody, a secret hobby, 44 00:02:34,442 --> 00:02:36,441 and they asked 2,000 participants 45 00:02:36,442 --> 00:02:38,842 if they had any of those kind of secrets. 46 00:02:38,843 --> 00:02:42,376 Oh, I didn't really realise those were the parameters, I thought... 47 00:02:42,377 --> 00:02:43,441 Oh... 48 00:02:43,442 --> 00:02:44,442 I thought... 49 00:02:45,443 --> 00:02:48,575 ..a terribly humiliating event. 50 00:02:48,576 --> 00:02:50,977 I didn't realise like a secret opinion. 51 00:02:52,377 --> 00:02:55,441 I like yours as a benchmark. I think it's very... 52 00:02:55,442 --> 00:02:57,442 Oh, he didn't on the bench as well, did he? 53 00:03:04,710 --> 00:03:06,441 A gift for you all now. Ooh! 54 00:03:06,442 --> 00:03:10,441 I've got you your very own QI periscopes, OK? 55 00:03:10,442 --> 00:03:11,442 Have a look. 56 00:03:11,443 --> 00:03:15,441 What are you going to use them for? 57 00:03:15,442 --> 00:03:17,442 OK. Have a look through. 58 00:03:19,442 --> 00:03:21,441 Oh, that's a good idea, yep. 59 00:03:21,442 --> 00:03:23,441 Yep. 60 00:03:23,442 --> 00:03:26,441 It's very clever, cos even though you're down below, 61 00:03:26,442 --> 00:03:29,441 you can still see the audience, even though you're below the desk. 62 00:03:29,442 --> 00:03:31,441 You have totally understood periscopes. 63 00:03:31,442 --> 00:03:33,709 I can't see the audience now, I can't see the audience. 64 00:03:33,710 --> 00:03:36,441 Now, you need your periscope, darling, it's the thing... 65 00:03:36,442 --> 00:03:38,441 My periscope doesn't work. 66 00:03:38,442 --> 00:03:39,442 Where's Alan gone? 67 00:03:40,442 --> 00:03:43,376 Alan, Alan! Rhod... 68 00:03:43,377 --> 00:03:47,442 I can see your periscope, Phill. I can see yours as well! 69 00:03:49,442 --> 00:03:51,376 Are you under the desk? I am! 70 00:03:51,377 --> 00:03:52,442 I'm under the desk, Alan. 71 00:03:54,442 --> 00:03:56,441 Can you see my second L? 72 00:03:56,442 --> 00:04:00,441 I can see... Why, yes, both of the Ls, Phill, yes. 73 00:04:00,442 --> 00:04:01,442 Both of the Ls. 74 00:04:01,443 --> 00:04:04,376 I've lost your N, Alan. I'm coming up. 75 00:04:04,377 --> 00:04:05,442 OK. 76 00:04:07,576 --> 00:04:09,977 I'm now above the desk, Phill. 77 00:04:11,442 --> 00:04:12,575 We've toyed with the idea 78 00:04:12,576 --> 00:04:15,442 of having two five-year-old boys on the panel... 79 00:04:16,442 --> 00:04:19,243 ..and then we thought, no need. 80 00:04:19,244 --> 00:04:21,442 This is me going down the stairs. OK. 81 00:04:24,442 --> 00:04:25,442 I'm coming up now. 82 00:04:25,442 --> 00:04:26,442 Oh, I forgot my phone. 83 00:04:28,442 --> 00:04:32,441 He's having so much fun under there. you should see his little face. 84 00:04:32,442 --> 00:04:33,443 Really, really enjoyed that. 85 00:04:34,977 --> 00:04:37,441 Can I have this? Yes, you can have them. 86 00:04:37,442 --> 00:04:39,575 Because we've got quite a high garden wall, 87 00:04:39,576 --> 00:04:41,441 and I've often wanted to look over. 88 00:04:41,442 --> 00:04:45,441 Didn't you build the high garden wall, Alan? 89 00:04:45,442 --> 00:04:46,442 Er, yes. 90 00:04:49,442 --> 00:04:51,441 It's true, so I could have a lower one, 91 00:04:51,442 --> 00:04:54,244 but really I want to go like that. 92 00:04:59,442 --> 00:05:00,442 There was a TV programme on 93 00:05:00,443 --> 00:05:02,442 when I was little called Why Don't You? Yeah. 94 00:05:02,443 --> 00:05:05,243 Why don't you just turn off your television set, 95 00:05:05,244 --> 00:05:07,441 and they once had a thing which you could do at home 96 00:05:07,442 --> 00:05:08,442 called the dying duck. 97 00:05:08,443 --> 00:05:09,709 What was it? 98 00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:13,441 QUACKING NOISES 99 00:05:13,442 --> 00:05:14,442 Pow! 100 00:05:14,443 --> 00:05:16,442 RAPID, FALLING QUACKING 101 00:05:20,442 --> 00:05:22,442 I can remember... 102 00:05:23,710 --> 00:05:26,441 I was five years old, and I've been doing that duck ever since. 103 00:05:26,442 --> 00:05:29,442 You were wasted in parliament. That's fantastic. 104 00:05:32,377 --> 00:05:34,243 Can we ask a question, Sandi? Yes, Rhod. 105 00:05:34,244 --> 00:05:36,441 Is your periscope bigger than ours because you're the host? 106 00:05:36,442 --> 00:05:38,441 Well, what can you do? Or was it 107 00:05:38,442 --> 00:05:40,441 because of your diminutive stature? 108 00:05:40,442 --> 00:05:44,441 Yes, I think because I need the extra help with the periscope. 109 00:05:44,442 --> 00:05:47,376 Imagine how much easier shopping's going to be for you now with that. 110 00:05:47,377 --> 00:05:48,441 Do you know...? 111 00:05:48,442 --> 00:05:50,442 Alpen! They've got Alpen! 112 00:05:58,710 --> 00:06:03,441 Now here is an astonishing thing - that is Stephen Wildish, 113 00:06:03,442 --> 00:06:05,575 and he beat Mo Farah. 114 00:06:05,576 --> 00:06:08,441 Whoa! And what did he beat Mo Farah doing? 115 00:06:08,442 --> 00:06:10,441 Oh, most corn consumed? No. 116 00:06:10,442 --> 00:06:11,709 Yes. Sack race. 117 00:06:11,710 --> 00:06:18,376 He held the world record in 2014, 39.91 seconds. 118 00:06:18,377 --> 00:06:23,441 In 2017, Steve Wildish smashed that in just 26.3 seconds. 119 00:06:23,442 --> 00:06:25,441 What's the distance, sorry? 100 metres. 120 00:06:25,442 --> 00:06:26,442 It's 100 metres, yeah. 121 00:06:26,443 --> 00:06:28,441 So he had tried earlier in the year, 122 00:06:28,442 --> 00:06:30,441 but his sack had been deemed too small. 123 00:06:30,442 --> 00:06:32,441 LAUGHTER 124 00:06:32,442 --> 00:06:33,977 Do you know what...? I say! 125 00:06:37,110 --> 00:06:39,442 In this weather, I've had the same problem. 126 00:06:45,442 --> 00:06:49,109 So the man who beat Mo Farah substantially is in our audience. 127 00:06:49,110 --> 00:06:51,441 Please welcome Stephen Wildish. Oh! 128 00:06:51,442 --> 00:06:52,977 APPLAUSE 129 00:06:57,442 --> 00:07:00,575 OK, would you mind having a go for us and showing us your technique? 130 00:07:00,576 --> 00:07:03,441 Yes! But, wait, we have to have a competitor, 131 00:07:03,442 --> 00:07:05,441 so I feel the only person I know who's been 132 00:07:05,442 --> 00:07:07,441 and reported at the Paralympics 133 00:07:07,442 --> 00:07:09,441 is Josh Widdicombe, I would like Josh to go. 134 00:07:09,442 --> 00:07:10,442 Yes! 135 00:07:10,443 --> 00:07:12,442 APPLAUSE 136 00:07:16,442 --> 00:07:18,442 Don't let us down, Josh. I won't. 137 00:07:20,442 --> 00:07:22,441 Um, I won... I didn't do the sack race, 138 00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:26,109 I did a race at school called the dressing up race. Oh, yeah! 139 00:07:26,110 --> 00:07:28,441 I won two years in a row. Really? 140 00:07:28,442 --> 00:07:31,109 And left primary school undefeated. 141 00:07:31,110 --> 00:07:33,442 I now want to see Mo Farah doing the dressing up race, but there we are. 142 00:07:33,443 --> 00:07:36,441 So, please be careful, both of you. 143 00:07:36,442 --> 00:07:38,376 Darling, you have to hold the... 144 00:07:38,377 --> 00:07:40,442 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 145 00:07:45,710 --> 00:07:49,441 Have you got any tips? I use one arm out, a bit of balance. 146 00:07:49,442 --> 00:07:50,576 Whoa... OK. 147 00:07:52,110 --> 00:07:53,441 Ready, boys? 148 00:07:53,442 --> 00:07:55,441 Imagine if I win, how amazing this will be. 149 00:07:55,442 --> 00:07:57,842 If you win, darling, you'll be the world record holder. 150 00:07:57,843 --> 00:07:59,441 Oh, my giddy aunt! 151 00:07:59,442 --> 00:08:01,842 On your marks, get set, go! 152 00:08:01,843 --> 00:08:02,977 Go, Josh, come on! 153 00:08:18,244 --> 00:08:19,977 Thank you, Stephen Wildish. 154 00:08:29,110 --> 00:08:32,441 What's the pizza-litically correct procedure 155 00:08:32,442 --> 00:08:34,442 for eating a piece of pizza? 156 00:08:36,110 --> 00:08:37,842 What is it, yeah? 157 00:08:37,843 --> 00:08:41,842 Many years ago, I was a friend of and knew Fanny Cradock. 158 00:08:41,843 --> 00:08:44,441 Oh, dear Fanny. The younger people won't know who she was - 159 00:08:44,442 --> 00:08:47,441 she was a television chef, a sort of interesting cross 160 00:08:47,442 --> 00:08:49,442 between Mary Berry and Jeremy Clarkson. 161 00:08:51,576 --> 00:08:55,441 A wonderful woman, and she taught me and my wife 162 00:08:55,442 --> 00:08:58,376 how to make pizza, proper Neapolitan pizza, 163 00:08:58,377 --> 00:09:00,441 and she explained to us, A - that you cut it up, 164 00:09:00,442 --> 00:09:02,441 but then you don't use a knife and fork to eat it, 165 00:09:02,442 --> 00:09:04,441 you have to eat it by hand. Yes. 166 00:09:04,442 --> 00:09:06,575 And you have to feed one another. 167 00:09:06,576 --> 00:09:09,441 Yeah, the fact is you can eat pizza in any way you please, 168 00:09:09,442 --> 00:09:12,441 but there are certain thoughts and some advice about how to do it. 169 00:09:12,442 --> 00:09:15,441 It's a fold, isn't it? It's a fold. So the grease doesn't go everywhere. 170 00:09:15,442 --> 00:09:18,441 Yeah. Yeah, so what you end up with is a sort of triangular package, 171 00:09:18,442 --> 00:09:21,441 with all the toppings inside, they don't slip off. 172 00:09:21,442 --> 00:09:23,110 That looks exactly like Fanny's. 173 00:09:33,442 --> 00:09:35,441 I often do that with mediums where they go, 174 00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:38,441 "I've got your grandad here, I've got your grandad here," 175 00:09:38,442 --> 00:09:41,376 and he's come all this way to talk to you in a theatre 176 00:09:41,377 --> 00:09:42,575 where you pay 25 quid or whatever it is 177 00:09:42,576 --> 00:09:44,441 to listen to it, and then you go, 178 00:09:44,442 --> 00:09:47,109 "I've got Fred. Anyone? Fred?" "Oh, yeah, that's my grandad Fred. 179 00:09:47,110 --> 00:09:49,709 "What does Fred want to say?" "It's something with the letter C." 180 00:09:49,710 --> 00:09:52,441 What? Won't he just tell me? Fred would tell me, 181 00:09:52,442 --> 00:09:53,709 I know Fred. 182 00:09:53,710 --> 00:09:56,441 Ghosts don't have great English, and that's why... 183 00:09:56,442 --> 00:09:58,441 What even the dead... Like, the dead English ones? Yeah. 184 00:09:58,442 --> 00:10:00,243 Once they go up to heaven... Yeah. 185 00:10:00,244 --> 00:10:02,842 ..they forget all their English, and they've just got a few words. 186 00:10:02,843 --> 00:10:04,442 Like "Wooooo!" Yeah, yeah, yeah. 187 00:10:06,244 --> 00:10:08,441 So "woo" is "all right, how you doing?" 188 00:10:08,442 --> 00:10:10,441 "I'm all right, thanks. Yeah, I'm all right." Yeah. 189 00:10:10,442 --> 00:10:12,976 Must be horrible when you're dying and you wake up as a ghost 190 00:10:12,977 --> 00:10:14,442 and go "Woo." 191 00:10:16,377 --> 00:10:19,441 As if the car crash wasn't bad enough, now all I can say is woo. 192 00:10:19,442 --> 00:10:22,442 Of course he wouldn't be able to say that, it would just come out woo. 193 00:10:25,442 --> 00:10:28,441 Right, for a question about proximity, 194 00:10:28,442 --> 00:10:31,442 so, Alan, I want to ask you... 195 00:10:33,110 --> 00:10:34,576 She's only just got casters. 196 00:10:36,377 --> 00:10:37,441 Can't stop now, can you? 197 00:10:37,442 --> 00:10:40,442 Am I close enough to trigger your reaction bubbles? 198 00:10:42,576 --> 00:10:44,442 Without a shadow of a doubt. 199 00:10:45,442 --> 00:10:48,443 Is it uncomfortable at all? No, no, just feeling it now. 200 00:10:51,244 --> 00:10:54,244 So, why is it uncomfortable, does anybody know? No, don't go! 201 00:10:56,442 --> 00:10:58,441 We were so close! 202 00:10:58,442 --> 00:11:02,441 Does anybody know why that might be uncomfortable? 203 00:11:02,442 --> 00:11:04,575 Well, um, proximity. Yeah, it is. 204 00:11:04,576 --> 00:11:06,441 It's the study of proxemics. 205 00:11:06,442 --> 00:11:08,441 It's the discipline of studying 206 00:11:08,442 --> 00:11:10,976 the space that we keep between ourselves. 207 00:11:10,977 --> 00:11:14,441 So, the founder of it is a US cultural anthropologist 208 00:11:14,442 --> 00:11:15,976 called Edward Twitchell Hall. 209 00:11:15,977 --> 00:11:17,441 You all right? 210 00:11:17,442 --> 00:11:19,441 Are you coming to me? 211 00:11:19,442 --> 00:11:22,377 No, darling, you're OK, because you might get injured. 212 00:11:26,442 --> 00:11:28,441 So there are four main zones and you can see it up here. 213 00:11:28,442 --> 00:11:30,441 First of all we have the public space. 214 00:11:30,442 --> 00:11:32,441 That is the distance at which you are comfortable... 215 00:11:32,442 --> 00:11:35,441 No, there's zone six as well. Oh, yes, that's true. 216 00:11:35,442 --> 00:11:38,441 So the distance at which you feel comfortable addressing a crowd. 217 00:11:38,442 --> 00:11:39,442 Then there is social distance. 218 00:11:39,443 --> 00:11:42,441 That's where I would interact with my acquaintances. 219 00:11:42,442 --> 00:11:44,442 And then there is personal distance, 220 00:11:44,443 --> 00:11:48,441 which is coming up to four feet, so that's for friends and family. 221 00:11:48,442 --> 00:11:50,709 Now I'm going to... I'm going to pick you. 222 00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:53,442 This is intimate distance, OK? 223 00:12:04,442 --> 00:12:07,442 So, I've never met you before, have I? 224 00:12:08,442 --> 00:12:09,442 No, Mum. 225 00:12:09,443 --> 00:12:12,110 LAUGHTER 226 00:12:17,442 --> 00:12:19,976 Ladies and gentlemen, my son, Theo. 227 00:12:19,977 --> 00:12:21,442 APPLAUSE 228 00:12:24,442 --> 00:12:28,441 This particular building is the place where you will find 229 00:12:28,442 --> 00:12:30,842 the burial place of Michelangelo, Galileo, Machiavelli, 230 00:12:30,843 --> 00:12:33,441 Rossini, it's like all this greatness of Italy, 231 00:12:33,442 --> 00:12:36,441 and they don't want people just eating sandwiches on the steps, 232 00:12:36,442 --> 00:12:39,441 so they had a really simple idea how to stop them doing this. 233 00:12:39,442 --> 00:12:42,441 Was it they get the spooky voices of all those dead people 234 00:12:42,442 --> 00:12:46,110 on a loudspeaker, "Stop eating sandwiches..." 235 00:12:47,442 --> 00:12:50,441 "Hey, this is-a Michelangelo. I see you got a sandwich." 236 00:12:50,442 --> 00:12:55,441 "Why are you a-ruining the steps with your sandwiches? 237 00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:56,442 "You need to stop." 238 00:12:56,443 --> 00:13:00,441 "It's-a me, Rossini! Stop with the baguette." 239 00:13:00,442 --> 00:13:01,842 "We're going to be crazy angry, 240 00:13:01,843 --> 00:13:05,441 "that you're eating a sandwich on the step-as." 241 00:13:05,442 --> 00:13:07,842 None of these are spooky enough voices! No. 242 00:13:07,843 --> 00:13:09,441 Just saying. Too jolly. 243 00:13:09,442 --> 00:13:12,442 Don't you want to see a film where Romesh plays Michelangelo? 244 00:13:14,442 --> 00:13:17,442 Fantastic idea. I'm-a going to do a ceiling-a picture. 245 00:13:21,442 --> 00:13:25,441 I went to Florence and I saw - by some miracle there wasn't a queue - 246 00:13:25,442 --> 00:13:27,842 Michelangelo's statue of David. 247 00:13:27,843 --> 00:13:30,441 It's a great-a statue. It's amazing. 248 00:13:30,442 --> 00:13:32,709 You can go all the way round behind, you're right behind. 249 00:13:32,710 --> 00:13:35,243 You see everything. 250 00:13:35,244 --> 00:13:36,441 He's got massive hands, 251 00:13:36,442 --> 00:13:37,442 and tiny winkie. 252 00:13:44,442 --> 00:13:46,441 I liked it when they started selling... 253 00:13:46,442 --> 00:13:48,842 We used to have one at home. The breathalyser that you could... 254 00:13:48,843 --> 00:13:51,976 You could buy a thing, couldn't you? You could buy your own breathalyser. 255 00:13:51,977 --> 00:13:53,976 It's a great idea. Should have one in the car. 256 00:13:53,977 --> 00:13:55,441 Well, don't they want to put them in cars 257 00:13:55,442 --> 00:13:58,441 so that you have to blow into them before you can start the car? 258 00:13:58,442 --> 00:14:00,441 Yes, that is one of the things, that it would actually stop 259 00:14:00,442 --> 00:14:02,441 the ignition if you had alcohol levels that were... 260 00:14:02,442 --> 00:14:05,976 You'd just always have your child with you, wouldn't you? Yeah. 261 00:14:05,977 --> 00:14:08,575 SLURRING: All right, son, you know the drill. 262 00:14:08,576 --> 00:14:10,110 Blow into that thing. 263 00:14:14,442 --> 00:14:16,442 Now let's get you to school. 264 00:14:17,442 --> 00:14:21,441 INDISTINCT SLURRING 265 00:14:21,442 --> 00:14:23,842 Your little seven-year-old blows into it and it still won't start - 266 00:14:23,843 --> 00:14:26,442 "What have you been doing?!" "Mind your own business!" 267 00:14:31,442 --> 00:14:33,441 Anyway, here's a weird question - 268 00:14:33,442 --> 00:14:36,441 why might you put chilli in a condom? 269 00:14:36,442 --> 00:14:38,442 LAUGHTER AND GROANING 270 00:14:38,443 --> 00:14:40,442 Revenge. 271 00:14:46,710 --> 00:14:48,441 Did they do this in your school? 272 00:14:48,442 --> 00:14:52,441 They used to put deep heat into people's jock straps. Wow. 273 00:14:52,442 --> 00:14:55,441 And then, like, I remember in one particular scrum, 274 00:14:55,442 --> 00:14:59,442 on the rugby pitch, there was very loud screaming from a lad 275 00:14:59,443 --> 00:15:01,442 whose jockstrap had just settled in. 276 00:15:03,442 --> 00:15:05,441 And he couldn't get out of the scrum, 277 00:15:05,442 --> 00:15:08,442 and they wouldn't let him out either, those bastards. Oh, God. 278 00:15:10,442 --> 00:15:11,442 Anyway, no. 279 00:15:12,442 --> 00:15:15,441 It's to do with elephants. What? This question gets weirder. 280 00:15:15,442 --> 00:15:17,441 So it's to stimulate elephants? It's quite the opposite. 281 00:15:17,442 --> 00:15:22,842 Elephants have the most acute sense of smell of any mammal. Do they? 282 00:15:22,843 --> 00:15:25,441 And they hate the smell of chilli. 283 00:15:25,442 --> 00:15:27,442 So Tanzanian farmers want to keep them away from their land, 284 00:15:27,443 --> 00:15:30,441 and they've tried all sorts of things. Elephants are so clever. 285 00:15:30,442 --> 00:15:32,441 They've tried putting bells around their necks, 286 00:15:32,442 --> 00:15:35,442 and the elephant, within 24 hours, was packing the bell 287 00:15:35,443 --> 00:15:38,441 with their own dung to stop it ringing. 288 00:15:38,442 --> 00:15:39,442 Oh, my God. 289 00:15:39,443 --> 00:15:43,243 But if you put chilli in a condom and attach a firework to it 290 00:15:43,244 --> 00:15:44,441 and throw it at an elephant, 291 00:15:44,442 --> 00:15:47,575 it explodes in a great cloud of spicy powder, 292 00:15:47,576 --> 00:15:49,441 the elephant hates it, 293 00:15:49,442 --> 00:15:52,976 and goes away, but it's not harmed. Wow. 294 00:15:52,977 --> 00:15:54,441 So putting chilli in a condom 295 00:15:54,442 --> 00:15:57,441 is a very good way to get rid of them off their land. 296 00:15:57,442 --> 00:15:59,243 But if that elephant was very clever, 297 00:15:59,244 --> 00:16:00,442 he'd come up the next day with a gas mask. 298 00:16:04,377 --> 00:16:06,441 I think you've got to question your life a little bit 299 00:16:06,442 --> 00:16:07,709 when you're putting chilli in condoms 300 00:16:07,710 --> 00:16:10,441 and then throwing them at elephants. 301 00:16:10,442 --> 00:16:13,442 Cos a little bit of you is going, "What happened? 302 00:16:17,442 --> 00:16:18,977 "Why didn't I do more maths?" 303 00:16:20,442 --> 00:16:23,441 TRUMPETING WHINE 304 00:16:23,442 --> 00:16:24,442 Sorry, Sandi. 305 00:16:26,442 --> 00:16:29,441 What's an elephant's gas mask going to be like, for God's sake? 306 00:16:29,442 --> 00:16:32,442 They'll have to coil their whole trunk up. 307 00:16:34,442 --> 00:16:36,977 Or is it on the end of the trunk, the gas mask? 308 00:16:40,442 --> 00:16:42,842 The economists William Evans and Timothy Moore in 2010, 309 00:16:42,843 --> 00:16:46,441 they found that mortality rates spiked by almost 1% on the first day 310 00:16:46,442 --> 00:16:49,442 of every month, and remain high for the next few days. 311 00:16:49,443 --> 00:16:51,441 Why do you think that might be? 312 00:16:51,442 --> 00:16:53,441 I know nothing about stacking coffins, 313 00:16:53,442 --> 00:16:56,442 but even I know, that is not the right way of doing it. 314 00:16:57,442 --> 00:17:01,441 They're all going to be rolled up against the side, aren't they? 315 00:17:01,442 --> 00:17:04,442 Are they all full of dead people that died of obesity on one side? 316 00:17:05,576 --> 00:17:08,442 "Died of obesity on one side." 317 00:17:09,442 --> 00:17:11,441 It's a very common condition. Very common, that. 318 00:17:11,442 --> 00:17:13,442 Massively fat on one side. 319 00:17:15,442 --> 00:17:17,244 He tipped over and died. 320 00:17:18,443 --> 00:17:20,441 My father passed away about 30 years ago, 321 00:17:20,442 --> 00:17:22,441 and, of course, we were very distressed. 322 00:17:22,442 --> 00:17:24,441 My brother and I had to go to the undertakers, 323 00:17:24,442 --> 00:17:26,575 and he put on his desk... He said, "Let's talk about the coffin," 324 00:17:26,576 --> 00:17:30,441 and he put six tiny little examples of coffins 325 00:17:30,442 --> 00:17:32,441 on the desk in front of me. 326 00:17:32,442 --> 00:17:34,441 He said, "What do you think?" And my brother said, 327 00:17:34,442 --> 00:17:36,442 "I think they're bit small." 328 00:17:41,977 --> 00:17:44,442 Were you not tempted to nick one for your funeral? 329 00:17:48,443 --> 00:17:50,377 Ooh... 330 00:17:51,442 --> 00:17:54,243 Anybody a fan of Lord of the Rings? 331 00:17:54,244 --> 00:17:55,441 Yes! Yes? Yes. 332 00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:59,441 So the guy who came up with the technology, Gamgee. 333 00:17:59,442 --> 00:18:02,441 Samwise Gamgee. Yes, so... Frodo's best friend. 334 00:18:02,442 --> 00:18:07,441 Who never let him down, no matter what anyone said. 335 00:18:07,442 --> 00:18:09,441 "I'll stay with you, master Frodo! Give me your hand." 336 00:18:09,442 --> 00:18:11,441 CHEERING 337 00:18:11,442 --> 00:18:12,976 The other one I do... 338 00:18:12,977 --> 00:18:16,377 I don't know if I fancy you more or less now. 339 00:18:17,442 --> 00:18:18,442 I'm going to go with less. 340 00:18:19,843 --> 00:18:21,442 Havo dad, Legolas. 341 00:18:21,443 --> 00:18:23,441 That's "Sit down, Legolas." 342 00:18:23,442 --> 00:18:25,377 It's definitely less. 343 00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:32,441 Anyway, he is named... After that man! 344 00:18:32,442 --> 00:18:33,842 No, not after him, after his brother. 345 00:18:33,843 --> 00:18:36,441 His brother was called Jay Sampson Gamgee. Yeah. 346 00:18:36,442 --> 00:18:38,575 And he is the person who invented that surgical dressing 347 00:18:38,576 --> 00:18:41,441 where you get cotton ball between two pieces of absorbent gauze. 348 00:18:41,442 --> 00:18:44,441 Oh, yeah. And so he was known as Sampson Gamgee, 349 00:18:44,442 --> 00:18:47,243 and Sam Gamgee, it's most likely that Tolkien got the name from him. 350 00:18:47,244 --> 00:18:49,709 Wow. Which is my connection between the hobbits and ice skating, 351 00:18:49,710 --> 00:18:52,441 just for you. I love it. As a Christmas present. Brilliant! 352 00:18:52,442 --> 00:18:54,441 I auditioned for The Hobbit. 353 00:18:54,442 --> 00:18:56,441 What?! Did you? 354 00:18:56,442 --> 00:18:58,442 I don't know if I fancy you more or more. 355 00:19:00,442 --> 00:19:03,575 You were going to be in The Hobbit. Yeah, well, I didn't get it. Oh. 356 00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:05,441 To be what, darling? 357 00:19:05,442 --> 00:19:08,441 The main... The hobbit. Bilbo! You auditioned to be Bilbo Baggins. 358 00:19:08,442 --> 00:19:10,842 I auditioned to be Bilbo Baggins, and the day before... 359 00:19:10,843 --> 00:19:13,441 NOEL: I'm going to blow your mind now. But go on, carry on. 360 00:19:13,442 --> 00:19:16,441 They brought down the maximum height, 361 00:19:16,442 --> 00:19:18,441 and my agent phoned me and she said, "How tall are you?" 362 00:19:18,442 --> 00:19:20,441 And I said, "I'm five foot six and a half..." 363 00:19:20,442 --> 00:19:23,441 How tall do you want me to be? That's what you say. 364 00:19:23,442 --> 00:19:25,442 Never accept the premise of the question. 365 00:19:26,442 --> 00:19:31,441 Find out what they want before... you say anything. 366 00:19:31,442 --> 00:19:33,441 APPLAUSE 367 00:19:33,442 --> 00:19:36,441 So, you didn't go? No, they said we brought down the maximum height, 368 00:19:36,442 --> 00:19:38,441 but I still qualified. I was short enough to be a hobbit. 369 00:19:38,442 --> 00:19:41,109 And? I went. 370 00:19:41,110 --> 00:19:43,442 And I was dog shit. 371 00:19:44,576 --> 00:19:47,441 I also auditioned for something in that. Did you? Yeah. 372 00:19:47,442 --> 00:19:50,709 They said you'll be four hours a day in make up in New Zealand, 373 00:19:50,710 --> 00:19:53,441 is that OK? And I went, "Yep." 374 00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:54,442 How tall are you? 375 00:19:56,442 --> 00:19:57,443 How tall do you want me to be? 376 00:20:01,442 --> 00:20:04,441 I went for a part. For Frodo. 377 00:20:04,442 --> 00:20:05,575 Did you? Yeah. 378 00:20:05,576 --> 00:20:07,441 And they went, "You're a bit tall, 379 00:20:07,442 --> 00:20:09,441 "you look more like an elf. Get out." 380 00:20:09,442 --> 00:20:13,709 You do. You're clearly from the elven race. Exactly. 381 00:20:13,710 --> 00:20:15,709 Yeah. Apparently. 382 00:20:15,710 --> 00:20:18,441 Rivendell, you look like a Rivendell elf. 383 00:20:18,442 --> 00:20:20,441 A River Dance elf. Rivendell! 384 00:20:20,442 --> 00:20:21,442 Cariad. Yes? 385 00:20:21,443 --> 00:20:23,243 Stop now. 386 00:20:23,244 --> 00:20:24,442 I really wanted an audition! 387 00:20:26,442 --> 00:20:29,376 You're the right size and everything. I know! 388 00:20:29,377 --> 00:20:31,576 I don't think you'd have been professional on set. 389 00:20:32,710 --> 00:20:35,376 I wouldn't have been. I would've been so excited. 390 00:20:35,377 --> 00:20:36,441 It would've been like, 391 00:20:36,442 --> 00:20:38,442 "Can someone remove this crying woman, please?" 392 00:20:40,442 --> 00:20:42,441 The best bit about this book is not the yoga poses. 393 00:20:42,442 --> 00:20:47,441 It has some instructions for example, how to avoid death 394 00:20:47,442 --> 00:20:50,441 by re-drawing discharged semen back into your penis. 395 00:20:50,442 --> 00:20:52,441 That is one of them. 396 00:20:52,442 --> 00:20:53,442 GROANING 397 00:20:53,443 --> 00:20:55,576 That's like a boomerang on Instagram. 398 00:21:00,442 --> 00:21:02,442 Oh, you've been on my Instagram? 399 00:21:05,110 --> 00:21:07,441 What a gif! Yeah. 400 00:21:07,442 --> 00:21:09,441 There's another one - how to lengthen your own tongue 401 00:21:09,442 --> 00:21:11,441 so you can lick your forehead. 402 00:21:11,442 --> 00:21:13,441 Who doesn't want that skill? Wow. 403 00:21:13,442 --> 00:21:16,442 Licking your forehead's not the first thing that comes to mind. 404 00:21:25,442 --> 00:21:27,441 Phil, I'm sorry. 405 00:21:27,442 --> 00:21:29,441 You seem like a nice boy, and I'm very sorry. 406 00:21:29,442 --> 00:21:32,441 This is exactly what I came here for. OK. 407 00:21:32,442 --> 00:21:35,441 The most difficult yoga pose that we know of 408 00:21:35,442 --> 00:21:37,575 is called the Yoganidrasana. 409 00:21:37,576 --> 00:21:40,441 And it is known... Oh, God. Yeah! 410 00:21:40,442 --> 00:21:42,442 It's the yoga sleep pose. 411 00:21:43,843 --> 00:21:46,842 Huh? I don't even know what's happening. 412 00:21:46,843 --> 00:21:49,710 I think he's trying to do what Alan was suggesting earlier. 413 00:21:52,710 --> 00:21:56,109 I think that all that stands between that man and happiness 414 00:21:56,110 --> 00:21:57,442 is two vertebrae. 415 00:21:59,442 --> 00:22:02,441 Will someone help me get my pants off?! 416 00:22:02,442 --> 00:22:04,441 Yeah, where are his feet, actually? 417 00:22:04,442 --> 00:22:06,575 They're tucked in under his chin. Some people tuck the feet 418 00:22:06,576 --> 00:22:08,575 behind the head, and use it as a sort of pillow. 419 00:22:08,576 --> 00:22:10,442 That is the other way I've seen it done. 420 00:22:10,443 --> 00:22:12,442 Just use a pillow! 421 00:22:15,442 --> 00:22:17,709 Weird that Pythagoras is one of the three things 422 00:22:17,710 --> 00:22:20,441 that I remember from school. What's the other two? 423 00:22:20,442 --> 00:22:21,442 Oxbow lake. 424 00:22:21,443 --> 00:22:23,243 Oh, yeah, I remember. 425 00:22:23,244 --> 00:22:24,575 Photosynthesis. Yeah. 426 00:22:24,576 --> 00:22:26,709 It's like it's sort of gone in as osmosis. 427 00:22:26,710 --> 00:22:28,442 Well, that's the fourth. 428 00:22:32,442 --> 00:22:35,441 What is it about the oxbow lake? I remember the oxbow lake. 429 00:22:35,442 --> 00:22:37,441 Because geography is so boring, 430 00:22:37,442 --> 00:22:39,441 and it's just like, how did that get there? 431 00:22:39,442 --> 00:22:42,441 I've got to be honest, I have no idea what you're talking about. 432 00:22:42,442 --> 00:22:47,441 Oxbow lakes? Oh, right. Alan's drawing you a picture. 433 00:22:47,442 --> 00:22:50,109 So, you've got a river. So, you've got a river. 434 00:22:50,110 --> 00:22:52,441 The river's going like this. It's bendy! It's a bendy river. 435 00:22:52,442 --> 00:22:55,976 Then it will meander. Bendy river. It's like that. 436 00:22:55,977 --> 00:22:58,441 Then gradually, that erodes. Erosion. That erodes. 437 00:22:58,442 --> 00:23:00,376 Erosion. Takes years and years. 438 00:23:00,377 --> 00:23:02,441 Years and years it takes. The water's going down... 439 00:23:02,442 --> 00:23:05,441 That's the lake. Takes years and years. And after a while... 440 00:23:05,442 --> 00:23:07,442 ..it cuts off here. Oh. 441 00:23:10,442 --> 00:23:14,109 How is that possible you all knew what that was, and I didn't? Hmm? 442 00:23:14,110 --> 00:23:16,442 Maybe different lessons for the white kids. 443 00:23:18,442 --> 00:23:20,441 They did say to us, they did whisper to us afterwards, 444 00:23:20,442 --> 00:23:22,441 don't tell the black children. 445 00:23:22,442 --> 00:23:23,442 Don't tell! 446 00:23:25,442 --> 00:23:27,441 They don't... If you tell them about oxbow lakes, 447 00:23:27,442 --> 00:23:28,443 where will it stop? 448 00:23:33,710 --> 00:23:35,976 So the British Board of Film Classification, 449 00:23:35,977 --> 00:23:38,575 which used to be the British Board of Film Censors. Oh, right, yes. 450 00:23:38,576 --> 00:23:41,376 It not only awards films a certificate, 451 00:23:41,377 --> 00:23:45,441 but since 1997, it's provided a brief line of consumer advice 452 00:23:45,442 --> 00:23:48,441 of what to expect from the picture. How about this one? 453 00:23:48,442 --> 00:23:50,441 Dangerous behaviour, mild threat, innuendo, 454 00:23:50,442 --> 00:23:52,976 infrequent mild bad language. 455 00:23:52,977 --> 00:23:54,442 QI. 456 00:23:55,442 --> 00:23:58,441 Austin Powers? Nope. 457 00:23:58,442 --> 00:24:00,441 Is it something that is quite tame? 458 00:24:00,442 --> 00:24:02,443 Yes, darling, it is. Is it Pingu? 459 00:24:04,442 --> 00:24:07,441 It's Paddington. Paddington? Oh, what? Yeah. 460 00:24:07,442 --> 00:24:09,109 Where's the bad language in Paddington? 461 00:24:09,110 --> 00:24:11,441 I have no idea. Well, actually there was one bit where he said, 462 00:24:11,442 --> 00:24:13,710 "Where's me marmalade sandwich, you BLEEP?" 463 00:24:26,442 --> 00:24:29,244 That's my favourite word in the English language. 464 00:24:31,442 --> 00:24:35,441 I went to see the Sistine Chapel, and all I remember is, 465 00:24:35,442 --> 00:24:37,109 somebody in the middle of the room - 466 00:24:37,110 --> 00:24:39,109 there's about 200 people all going like this - 467 00:24:39,110 --> 00:24:43,243 and there's somebody going, "No pictures! No pictures! 468 00:24:43,244 --> 00:24:45,244 "No pictures!" 469 00:24:46,442 --> 00:24:49,441 Of course, people immediately go, "Wow..." 470 00:24:49,442 --> 00:24:52,109 Why don't they let them take pictures of it? I don't know. 471 00:24:52,110 --> 00:24:54,441 I was talking to Ronnie Barker's daughter, Charlie, 472 00:24:54,442 --> 00:24:56,441 and she said the first time... 473 00:24:56,442 --> 00:24:57,442 No pictures! Oh, God! 474 00:25:00,377 --> 00:25:01,710 She was always saying it. 475 00:25:04,442 --> 00:25:06,441 The first time she realised her dad was famous, 476 00:25:06,442 --> 00:25:09,441 she was a little girl, and they went to see the Mona Lisa, 477 00:25:09,442 --> 00:25:12,441 and they walked into the room, and she's standing there looking 478 00:25:12,442 --> 00:25:14,441 at the Mona Lisa, and the room filled with British tourists, 479 00:25:14,442 --> 00:25:17,243 and they were all looking at her dad, and nobody was looking 480 00:25:17,244 --> 00:25:19,441 at the Mona Lisa, and she said that was the moment 481 00:25:19,442 --> 00:25:20,442 she thought, ooh, OK. 482 00:25:20,443 --> 00:25:22,842 And then they all went home, and went "I saw Ronnie Barker. 483 00:25:22,843 --> 00:25:24,442 "Was he smiling? Wasn't he?" 484 00:25:25,710 --> 00:25:28,441 Why has he got no eyebrows? 485 00:25:28,442 --> 00:25:30,442 When I was a kid, I had a dog called Ronnie Barker. 486 00:25:33,110 --> 00:25:36,442 You could leave that there if you want. Yeah. 487 00:25:37,576 --> 00:25:39,441 My dad named him, and I was like 488 00:25:39,442 --> 00:25:41,441 "Ha, it's funny, Barker, it's a pun." 489 00:25:41,442 --> 00:25:43,441 But I didn't know... It was named after Ronnie? 490 00:25:43,442 --> 00:25:46,441 No, I didn't know Ronnie Barker was a famous situation, 491 00:25:46,442 --> 00:25:47,709 and, so I... 492 00:25:47,710 --> 00:25:51,441 I thought, "Oh, I think we just named our dog 493 00:25:51,442 --> 00:25:52,442 "after Ricky Barker's dad." 494 00:25:52,443 --> 00:25:56,442 And Ricky's just a guy I went to school with. And so.. 495 00:25:57,443 --> 00:25:59,441 I even told Ricky, and he's like "Oh, did you?" 496 00:25:59,442 --> 00:26:01,441 Did Ricky not know his dad wasn't called Ronnie? 497 00:26:01,442 --> 00:26:03,109 Yes, he did! 498 00:26:03,110 --> 00:26:04,843 His name was Michael, and I kind of... 499 00:26:07,442 --> 00:26:10,709 It wasn't until years later, I was watching Open All Hours, 500 00:26:10,710 --> 00:26:13,441 and he's like, "Why don't you j-j-j-jiggle it?" 501 00:26:13,442 --> 00:26:16,243 And I read it and like, oh, my God. Poor dog. 502 00:26:16,244 --> 00:26:18,441 It's not Ricky Barker's dad! 503 00:26:18,442 --> 00:26:20,977 Oh, I just got that. Because of the bark. 504 00:26:28,377 --> 00:26:30,442 It's like having a troubled child. Now... 505 00:26:32,442 --> 00:26:35,441 Time for an experiment. I'm going to show you what happens 506 00:26:35,442 --> 00:26:39,441 when water reacts with magnesium and silver nitrate, 507 00:26:39,442 --> 00:26:43,243 so I've asked the panel to put their safety goggles on, please. 508 00:26:43,244 --> 00:26:45,441 And I have to charge this. 509 00:26:45,442 --> 00:26:47,441 Are you ready? 510 00:26:47,442 --> 00:26:49,442 Woohoo! 511 00:26:50,442 --> 00:26:53,441 You didn't do that. I did. Isn't that fantastic? 512 00:26:53,442 --> 00:26:55,376 That didn't come from that. I love that. 513 00:26:55,377 --> 00:26:59,441 So that is what happens when water reacts with magnesium 514 00:26:59,442 --> 00:27:00,442 and silver nitrate. 515 00:27:00,443 --> 00:27:03,575 Can anybody tell me when a reaction like that happens in the body? 516 00:27:03,576 --> 00:27:06,442 When you've eaten a lot of very spicy food and you have gas. 517 00:27:08,442 --> 00:27:10,441 It's a really specific moment like that, 518 00:27:10,442 --> 00:27:12,441 but on a much, much smaller scale. 519 00:27:12,442 --> 00:27:15,441 Sneezing. Ejaculation. Well, you're closer. 520 00:27:15,442 --> 00:27:16,442 Conception. 521 00:27:16,443 --> 00:27:20,441 It is the moment when the sperm and the egg meet for the first time. 522 00:27:20,442 --> 00:27:22,441 ALAN SINGS OPERATICALLY 523 00:27:22,442 --> 00:27:25,376 Sparks literally fly. 524 00:27:25,377 --> 00:27:28,441 So when a sperm enzyme activates a human egg, 525 00:27:28,442 --> 00:27:31,109 there is an explosion of zinc, 526 00:27:31,110 --> 00:27:34,842 and the human egg has got about 8,000 zinc compartments, 527 00:27:34,843 --> 00:27:39,441 and each one contains around a million zinc atoms. 528 00:27:39,442 --> 00:27:41,441 So at the point of conception, 529 00:27:41,442 --> 00:27:44,442 they're all released in a display that looks just like tiny fireworks, 530 00:27:44,443 --> 00:27:47,575 and it goes on for about two hours. 531 00:27:47,576 --> 00:27:51,244 So did you just fire semen at that? Is that what you've done? 532 00:27:53,576 --> 00:27:57,441 So is it like a firework display? Yes. Different ones going...? No. 533 00:27:57,442 --> 00:28:00,243 But tiny, darling, it's not as big as that. Yeah, I realise that. 534 00:28:00,244 --> 00:28:01,442 Zinc compartments... 535 00:28:08,244 --> 00:28:09,441 OK, we're going to have another go, 536 00:28:09,442 --> 00:28:11,441 but I'm going to let you all have a go. 537 00:28:11,442 --> 00:28:13,442 I'm a 50-year-old man, that's a bit far away. 538 00:28:15,442 --> 00:28:18,441 Are you ready? Yeah, I'm so ready. Ready? Pull it out now, as it were. 539 00:28:18,442 --> 00:28:20,244 What do we do? 540 00:28:22,442 --> 00:28:25,442 Three, two, one, fire! 541 00:28:26,977 --> 00:28:28,441 Come on, boys. 542 00:28:28,442 --> 00:28:29,442 Oh... Oh, for goodness' sake. 543 00:28:36,442 --> 00:28:38,244 How was it for you? 544 00:28:44,442 --> 00:28:45,843 I can go on for two hours, Sandi! 545 00:28:49,244 --> 00:28:51,442 Did that one not go off? No, it didn't.