1 00:00:31,595 --> 00:00:35,754 Good evening, and welcome to QI, 2 00:00:35,754 --> 00:00:39,674 where, tonight, we'll be quarrelling with each other all night long. 3 00:00:39,674 --> 00:00:44,993 Here to query everything I say, aw, quick to criticise - Jason Manford. 4 00:00:44,993 --> 00:00:48,912 APPLAUSE 5 00:00:48,912 --> 00:00:51,032 Constantly quibbling - Aisling Bea. 6 00:00:51,032 --> 00:00:53,111 CHEERING 7 00:00:55,191 --> 00:00:58,471 Quashing all opposition - Anuvab Pal. 8 00:00:58,471 --> 00:01:00,830 APPLAUSE 9 00:01:02,590 --> 00:01:03,990 And, oh, will you be quiet? 10 00:01:03,990 --> 00:01:05,030 Alan Davies. 11 00:01:05,030 --> 00:01:07,509 LAUGHTER, CHEERING 12 00:01:11,189 --> 00:01:13,828 We've got some particularly pugnacious buzzers. 13 00:01:13,828 --> 00:01:14,868 Jason goes... 14 00:01:14,868 --> 00:01:18,347 CATS SCREECH 15 00:01:18,347 --> 00:01:19,947 Oh, that's horrible, isn't it? 16 00:01:19,947 --> 00:01:21,467 Hm. Aisling goes... 17 00:01:21,467 --> 00:01:23,187 DOGS BARK 18 00:01:23,187 --> 00:01:25,386 Sounds like my... SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE 19 00:01:27,186 --> 00:01:28,826 So sorry. So sorry. 20 00:01:28,826 --> 00:01:32,465 LAUGHTER 21 00:01:32,465 --> 00:01:34,385 Um... Anuvab goes... 22 00:01:34,385 --> 00:01:38,664 I was hoping the attention wouldn't come to me after that. 23 00:01:38,664 --> 00:01:41,264 ARGUING Order, order! 24 00:01:41,264 --> 00:01:43,263 CATS SCREECH 25 00:01:43,263 --> 00:01:45,143 And Alan goes... 26 00:01:45,143 --> 00:01:49,382 Oh, yes, it is! AUDIENCE: Oh, no, it isn't! 27 00:01:49,382 --> 00:01:51,422 Wow. 28 00:01:51,422 --> 00:01:55,181 They're so pleased with themselves, they can't carry on. 29 00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:57,101 That was alarming. Wasn't it? 30 00:01:57,101 --> 00:02:00,141 What happens when you quarrel with the bellower? 31 00:02:00,141 --> 00:02:02,700 Quarrel's one of those things only English people say. 32 00:02:02,700 --> 00:02:05,620 Why would you not say it? What's...? It's not a word I would use. 33 00:02:05,620 --> 00:02:08,339 No, it sounds like something a teacher would say 34 00:02:08,339 --> 00:02:11,739 if you'd had a proper fist fight with another kid at school. 35 00:02:11,739 --> 00:02:14,698 You know, when they've got your mum and dad and they were like, 36 00:02:14,698 --> 00:02:17,058 "I'm afraid Jason and Jamie have had a quarrel." 37 00:02:17,058 --> 00:02:20,337 Sandi, I'm new to London, and I'm beginning to realise 38 00:02:20,337 --> 00:02:23,057 that, when someone has a dispute or a quarrel, 39 00:02:23,057 --> 00:02:24,777 the English language works at two levels. 40 00:02:24,777 --> 00:02:27,256 Yes. I realised, in Britain, when someone says to me, 41 00:02:27,256 --> 00:02:29,656 "Anuvab, I have a slight issue." 42 00:02:31,016 --> 00:02:33,455 Yeah, yeah, it means I've killed their whole family. 43 00:02:33,455 --> 00:02:35,295 LAUGHTER 44 00:02:36,855 --> 00:02:38,374 That is entirely true. 45 00:02:38,374 --> 00:02:42,014 OK, so the bellower is the nickname of an actor called James Quin. 46 00:02:42,014 --> 00:02:44,693 He was the leading actor in London in the first half 47 00:02:44,693 --> 00:02:46,213 of the 18th century. 48 00:02:46,213 --> 00:02:49,053 What has he come as now? 49 00:02:49,053 --> 00:02:52,972 Well, apparently that's him giving his Coriolanus. Is it, really? 50 00:02:52,972 --> 00:02:56,731 I think it's more anus than corioly. 51 00:02:56,731 --> 00:02:59,891 He was unbelievably quarrelsome, and he actually killed two people 52 00:02:59,891 --> 00:03:02,570 in duels and wounded multiple others. 53 00:03:02,570 --> 00:03:05,770 He had one of the loudest voices in show business. 54 00:03:05,770 --> 00:03:08,369 He also did excessive gesticulation, 55 00:03:08,369 --> 00:03:10,729 and he left extremely long pauses. 56 00:03:10,729 --> 00:03:13,169 These were all the hallmarks of a great actor at that time, 57 00:03:13,169 --> 00:03:16,688 so would-be actors were schooled in three different pauses, 58 00:03:16,688 --> 00:03:20,847 and there was moderate, longer and grand. 59 00:03:20,847 --> 00:03:23,167 And, because you're all natural performers, 60 00:03:23,167 --> 00:03:26,487 I think we would see how you would fare on stage in Quin's era. 61 00:03:26,487 --> 00:03:29,006 So we're going to act out what's written on the script cards 62 00:03:29,006 --> 00:03:30,646 that you've got on the desk. 63 00:03:30,646 --> 00:03:33,965 So, Jason and Anuvab, a bit of quarrelling, please, 64 00:03:33,965 --> 00:03:37,325 from Titus Andronicus. Very loud, very big gestures. 65 00:03:37,325 --> 00:03:39,724 Yes. Pausing. OK, here we go. 66 00:03:39,724 --> 00:03:43,124 Villain, what hast thou done? 67 00:03:43,124 --> 00:03:46,323 That, sir, which thou canst not undo. 68 00:03:46,323 --> 00:03:49,763 Thou hast undone our mother?! 69 00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:51,762 LAUGHTER 70 00:03:56,002 --> 00:03:57,321 That's very good. 71 00:03:58,601 --> 00:04:02,681 I was taken aback for a second. Yes. No. Do a pause! Do a grand pause! 72 00:04:02,681 --> 00:04:06,520 Villain...I have done thy mother. 73 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:12,319 That's an early "your mum" joke from Shakespeare there. 74 00:04:12,319 --> 00:04:14,559 He invented the word quarrelsome, actually. 75 00:04:14,559 --> 00:04:17,518 It's, in fact, the only word he coined beginning with Q. 76 00:04:17,518 --> 00:04:21,198 Comes up in As You Like It and in The Taming Of The Shrew. Right. 77 00:04:21,198 --> 00:04:26,197 Alan and Aisling, I've got an EastEnders-style script for you. 78 00:04:26,197 --> 00:04:28,476 I'm actually going to take a small part in this myself. 79 00:04:28,476 --> 00:04:30,196 Oh! I know. 80 00:04:30,196 --> 00:04:32,756 So, you know, big gestures, big pausing. 81 00:04:32,756 --> 00:04:34,315 Here we go. OK. 82 00:04:34,315 --> 00:04:35,595 Oh, Aisling. 83 00:04:35,595 --> 00:04:37,875 COCKNEY ACCENT: I'm having some real Barney Rubble 84 00:04:37,875 --> 00:04:39,515 with me old trouble and strife. 85 00:04:39,515 --> 00:04:41,394 LAUGHTER 86 00:04:43,994 --> 00:04:46,513 LAUGHTER 87 00:04:46,513 --> 00:04:48,233 She found... 88 00:04:50,433 --> 00:04:52,752 LAUGHTER 89 00:04:52,752 --> 00:04:55,352 ..a pair of your Alan Whickers in my Lucy Locket! 90 00:05:00,511 --> 00:05:02,111 DEEP, GRUFF VOICE: Oh, Alan. 91 00:05:02,111 --> 00:05:03,951 LAUGHTER 92 00:05:03,951 --> 00:05:06,230 APPLAUSE 93 00:05:09,550 --> 00:05:11,349 You absolute doughnut. 94 00:05:13,349 --> 00:05:14,949 You need to be more careful. 95 00:05:14,949 --> 00:05:16,229 COCKNEY ACCENT: NOW! 96 00:05:16,229 --> 00:05:18,628 What's this all about?! 97 00:05:18,628 --> 00:05:20,188 LAUGHTER 98 00:05:20,188 --> 00:05:22,388 STAY OUT OF IT! 99 00:05:22,388 --> 00:05:24,667 You cow. It's you, it's you. 100 00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:29,426 Silence, cow. You're not me mum. 101 00:05:29,426 --> 00:05:30,466 SANDI GASPS 102 00:05:31,626 --> 00:05:32,826 Actually... 103 00:05:37,305 --> 00:05:38,945 LAUGHTER 104 00:05:38,945 --> 00:05:40,185 ..she is. 105 00:05:40,185 --> 00:05:42,864 EASTENDERS DOOF-DOOFS Very good. 106 00:05:42,864 --> 00:05:45,064 APPLAUSE 107 00:05:48,223 --> 00:05:51,503 I can see that making a comeback as a style. 108 00:05:51,503 --> 00:05:55,342 So Quin killed two people. The first man he killed was an actor 109 00:05:55,342 --> 00:05:59,102 who mispronounced kato as keto on stage. 110 00:05:59,102 --> 00:06:00,981 I'm like that with Pacific and specific. Are you? 111 00:06:00,981 --> 00:06:02,901 I'd just take him out long range. 112 00:06:04,021 --> 00:06:05,861 So Quin mocked him in front of the audience, 113 00:06:05,861 --> 00:06:08,500 and the guy decided to challenge him to a duel, 114 00:06:08,500 --> 00:06:11,460 and, in fact, he was... HE mocked somebody? Yes. 115 00:06:11,460 --> 00:06:14,859 LAUGHTER 116 00:06:18,139 --> 00:06:19,898 What did the other bloke look like? 117 00:06:21,498 --> 00:06:23,778 He only got done for manslaughter, and that was it, 118 00:06:23,778 --> 00:06:26,217 and then he just went back to work, frankly. 119 00:06:26,217 --> 00:06:28,497 He was a notorious womaniser. 120 00:06:28,497 --> 00:06:30,017 There's a marvellous story. 121 00:06:30,017 --> 00:06:32,616 He once invited a married woman to his boudoir, 122 00:06:32,616 --> 00:06:34,976 and then he realised he'd forgotten his key, 123 00:06:34,976 --> 00:06:37,495 so he thought, "Oh, no, I'll take her to a brothel." 124 00:06:37,495 --> 00:06:40,255 Anyway, awkwardly, her husband happened to be there. 125 00:06:40,255 --> 00:06:42,815 LAUGHTER 126 00:06:42,815 --> 00:06:46,054 And the husband walked in on them, you know, in flagrante, 127 00:06:46,054 --> 00:06:49,893 and, in the ensuing fight, Quin stabbed him in the leg. 128 00:06:49,893 --> 00:06:53,333 This one of the funny things that used to happen in British India 129 00:06:53,333 --> 00:06:55,812 during the Empire was that there would be a lot of duels 130 00:06:55,812 --> 00:06:57,492 among English men for petty things. 131 00:06:57,492 --> 00:06:59,852 They would fall in love with someone, locally, 132 00:06:59,852 --> 00:07:02,931 or it would be over wine or whatever, which was very confusing 133 00:07:02,931 --> 00:07:06,331 for the locals because they expected the guns to be pointed at them. 134 00:07:06,331 --> 00:07:09,690 They were pointing at each other. And I came across notes between 135 00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:13,130 two governor generals who were fighting, and one of the big issues 136 00:07:13,130 --> 00:07:16,729 was back then, they couldn't get the logistics right, so they said, 137 00:07:16,729 --> 00:07:18,129 "I'll see you on Thursday." 138 00:07:18,129 --> 00:07:21,368 He was like, "Thursday, sir, I am taking my daughter for a walk." 139 00:07:21,368 --> 00:07:24,288 "I'm going to kill you Thursday. I can't do Thursday." 140 00:07:24,288 --> 00:07:26,967 "We've got five-asides Thursday." 141 00:07:26,967 --> 00:07:28,927 What I loved is it went on for five years 142 00:07:28,927 --> 00:07:30,767 where they couldn't fix a meeting! 143 00:07:32,446 --> 00:07:36,206 I love that. Quin's big rival at the time - David Garrick. 144 00:07:36,206 --> 00:07:38,285 Great, famous actor. Oh, David Garrick. 145 00:07:38,285 --> 00:07:40,205 First actor, in fact, to move towards acting 146 00:07:40,205 --> 00:07:41,365 rather than shouting. 147 00:07:41,365 --> 00:07:44,245 "Where's my glove?! WHERE'S my glove?! 148 00:07:44,245 --> 00:07:46,004 "Props!" 149 00:07:46,004 --> 00:07:48,884 They were friends, and Garrick eventually wrote the epitaph 150 00:07:48,884 --> 00:07:51,043 that is on Quin's tomb in Bath Abbey. 151 00:07:51,043 --> 00:07:53,283 That's the Garrick Theatre named after him? Yeah. 152 00:07:53,283 --> 00:07:56,043 I mentioned that James Quin was handy in a duel, 153 00:07:56,043 --> 00:07:57,762 but now let's see how you fare. 154 00:07:57,762 --> 00:08:00,522 So, for this question, please start with your hands on your heads. 155 00:08:00,522 --> 00:08:03,241 We have changed your buzzers so they all make the same sound. 156 00:08:03,241 --> 00:08:05,441 Which of you is the quickest at pressing your buzzer? 157 00:08:05,441 --> 00:08:06,601 Go, go, go. 158 00:08:06,601 --> 00:08:07,961 GUNFIRE BUZZER 159 00:08:07,961 --> 00:08:09,560 GUNFIRE 160 00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:12,000 LAUGHTER Have you...? 161 00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:21,158 GUNSHOT BUZZER 162 00:08:22,238 --> 00:08:24,278 Well, we know who was slowest. 163 00:08:25,678 --> 00:08:29,477 I'm just going to check with VAR. Oh, yes. 164 00:08:29,477 --> 00:08:31,117 Get the replay there. 165 00:08:31,117 --> 00:08:34,116 Let's have a quick look. LAUGHTER 166 00:08:34,116 --> 00:08:35,196 OK. 167 00:08:35,196 --> 00:08:37,196 And the answer is...Jason! 168 00:08:37,196 --> 00:08:38,876 Jason, you were the winner. 169 00:08:38,876 --> 00:08:41,555 APPLAUSE Eh, there we go! 170 00:08:43,115 --> 00:08:45,475 So...very good, 171 00:08:45,475 --> 00:08:47,874 but how would a Victorian have done it differently? 172 00:08:47,874 --> 00:08:49,394 A Victorian? Yes. 173 00:08:49,394 --> 00:08:52,313 It's whether you think the Victorians would have been quicker. 174 00:08:52,313 --> 00:08:53,553 Would they have beaten Jason? 175 00:08:53,553 --> 00:08:56,753 No, I think slower. Why? Just cos it's a long time ago? 176 00:08:56,753 --> 00:09:01,392 Partly, and there's less things to move out the way of quickly. 177 00:09:01,392 --> 00:09:03,072 Are you agreeing? 178 00:09:03,072 --> 00:09:07,391 Yes, I think... In that a technology like a light bulb would need 179 00:09:07,391 --> 00:09:10,950 a bunch of chemical reactions and stuff to happen. 180 00:09:10,950 --> 00:09:13,630 So would they, like, pull on something and a bunch of stuff 181 00:09:13,630 --> 00:09:16,150 would happen and a part of the house would explode? 182 00:09:16,150 --> 00:09:18,549 OK... You are thinking of Wallace and Gromit. 183 00:09:19,789 --> 00:09:21,109 So here's the thing. 184 00:09:21,109 --> 00:09:23,388 We would think, maybe, that we would be quicker today, 185 00:09:23,388 --> 00:09:25,668 but, really, the Victorians had quicker reactions 186 00:09:25,668 --> 00:09:27,028 than we do today. What?! 187 00:09:27,028 --> 00:09:28,508 So in the 1880s and '90s, 188 00:09:28,508 --> 00:09:31,787 there was a statistician called Francis Galton. 189 00:09:31,787 --> 00:09:35,146 He tested thousands of people to see how quickly they could react 190 00:09:35,146 --> 00:09:39,546 to lights and sound, and we have consistently got slower. 191 00:09:39,546 --> 00:09:42,785 So, on average, about 10% over the past century, 192 00:09:42,785 --> 00:09:44,345 and we don't really know why. 193 00:09:44,345 --> 00:09:47,184 So, possibly, modern pollutants have had an effect on our brains. 194 00:09:47,184 --> 00:09:48,544 That is a possibility. 195 00:09:48,544 --> 00:09:51,104 Possibly... This one, I don't like at all. 196 00:09:51,104 --> 00:09:54,943 It's because we are taller is one of the reasons given. Aw. 197 00:09:54,943 --> 00:09:57,943 So our nerve impulses have got further to travel in our bodies, 198 00:09:57,943 --> 00:10:00,102 and so they take longer to get to their destinations, 199 00:10:00,102 --> 00:10:02,742 but it does seem to be that the Victorians 200 00:10:02,742 --> 00:10:04,222 were a bit faster than us. 201 00:10:04,222 --> 00:10:06,381 And do you think boys or girls are faster? 202 00:10:06,381 --> 00:10:09,061 Say girls. I'm going to say girls. Be careful, Jason. 203 00:10:10,461 --> 00:10:13,900 Nice try, Sandi! Girls. 204 00:10:13,900 --> 00:10:15,740 It's usually boys. Aw! 205 00:10:17,460 --> 00:10:20,059 But what they've discovered in the past 40 years or so 206 00:10:20,059 --> 00:10:23,299 is that the gap has decreased. Boys are getting increasingly jumpy. 207 00:10:23,299 --> 00:10:24,498 Yes. 208 00:10:24,498 --> 00:10:27,778 Maybe because women are now doing day-to-day things like driving, 209 00:10:27,778 --> 00:10:29,258 which they didn't do before. 210 00:10:29,258 --> 00:10:31,537 That's what the boys are getting out the way of. 211 00:10:33,217 --> 00:10:35,537 Are left-handed or right-handed people quicker? 212 00:10:35,537 --> 00:10:37,056 Left-handed people are the devil, 213 00:10:37,056 --> 00:10:39,656 so I would say right-handed people, Sandi. 214 00:10:39,656 --> 00:10:42,695 I'm left-handed, so I'm going to say right. 215 00:10:42,695 --> 00:10:44,735 It's left-handed people. And you did win. 216 00:10:44,735 --> 00:10:47,575 Of course! I should have used my own experiment. Yes! 217 00:10:47,575 --> 00:10:50,174 Dammit. It's probably because most right-handed people 218 00:10:50,174 --> 00:10:52,174 are very, very right-handed. 219 00:10:52,174 --> 00:10:54,054 In other words, most left-handed people, 220 00:10:54,054 --> 00:10:55,813 so yourself at least, are more mixed. 221 00:10:55,813 --> 00:10:58,173 The two brain hemispheres of the left-handers 222 00:10:58,173 --> 00:11:00,613 tend to be more balanced and split, so they work more... 223 00:11:00,613 --> 00:11:03,052 It's one of the lesser disabilities. 224 00:11:03,052 --> 00:11:06,891 You know, I don't want everything, just the blue parking badge. 225 00:11:06,891 --> 00:11:10,371 That's all I want. LAUGHTER 226 00:11:11,571 --> 00:11:13,850 Left-handed parking bays! 227 00:11:13,850 --> 00:11:17,530 The right-handed people coming out carrying their phones in their 228 00:11:17,530 --> 00:11:19,489 left hand, "No, I'm left-handed!" 229 00:11:19,489 --> 00:11:22,169 In the supermarket, throwing apples, 230 00:11:22,169 --> 00:11:25,049 "You caught it with your right hand! 231 00:11:25,049 --> 00:11:26,968 "You're in the wrong spot!" 232 00:11:28,368 --> 00:11:30,768 The first scientist to measure reaction times 233 00:11:30,768 --> 00:11:32,167 in laboratory conditions 234 00:11:32,167 --> 00:11:36,247 was a Dutch ophthalmologist called Franciscus Donders in 1869. 235 00:11:36,247 --> 00:11:38,086 He found that we take 0.1 seconds 236 00:11:38,086 --> 00:11:40,406 to physically respond to a sudden noise, 237 00:11:40,406 --> 00:11:43,166 so why might that matter that we know that? 238 00:11:43,166 --> 00:11:46,325 Alarms? No, it's racing, sprinting races. So if you move 239 00:11:46,325 --> 00:11:50,124 in less than 0.1 seconds after the gun has gone off, it's a false start 240 00:11:50,124 --> 00:11:53,404 because you couldn't possibly have reacted that fast. Ah! 241 00:11:53,404 --> 00:11:56,363 Actually, Donders made another contribution to our lives. 242 00:11:56,363 --> 00:11:59,763 There is a gap between the back of the tongue and the hard palate, 243 00:11:59,763 --> 00:12:01,283 known as the space of Donders. 244 00:12:01,283 --> 00:12:04,482 Where is it? Between the back of the tongue and the hard palate. 245 00:12:05,482 --> 00:12:09,801 Trying to find it now? It's hard to find, it's really more of a space. 246 00:12:09,801 --> 00:12:11,801 LAUGHTER 247 00:12:13,961 --> 00:12:15,400 There's nothing there at all. 248 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:18,040 No, there's nothing there, darling, that's correct. 249 00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:21,199 I don't want to really know how he ended up finding that. 250 00:12:21,199 --> 00:12:22,559 Now that I know that, I feel 251 00:12:22,559 --> 00:12:25,399 like I have someone else's real estate in my mouth. 252 00:12:25,399 --> 00:12:28,438 There is a sign - "to let". 253 00:12:30,118 --> 00:12:33,477 A bloody weekend, that's what I call that. 254 00:12:33,477 --> 00:12:38,037 Quickest reaction time of any animal is the Condylostylus fly, 255 00:12:38,037 --> 00:12:39,836 or the long-legged fly. 256 00:12:39,836 --> 00:12:43,236 This is an extraordinary creature. You find it mostly in the USA. 257 00:12:43,236 --> 00:12:47,995 It takes just 2 milliseconds for this fly to respond to a stimulus, 258 00:12:47,995 --> 00:12:51,474 so, see you tried to take a picture of it, and the flash went off, 259 00:12:51,474 --> 00:12:54,714 it would have gone before the picture was actually taken. 260 00:12:54,714 --> 00:12:56,354 How did they get this one? 261 00:13:05,032 --> 00:13:07,432 I am afraid he's dead, Jason. 262 00:13:09,272 --> 00:13:11,391 Its reflexes are about 100 times faster 263 00:13:11,391 --> 00:13:13,391 than the fastest human reaction time. 264 00:13:13,391 --> 00:13:14,911 Wow! I know. 265 00:13:14,911 --> 00:13:16,630 Look at its funny hairy legs. 266 00:13:16,630 --> 00:13:20,470 Imagine you just had four massive hairs on your leg. 267 00:13:20,470 --> 00:13:22,069 And when you shaved your legs, 268 00:13:22,069 --> 00:13:24,429 you kind of had to saw it a bit with a bread knife. 269 00:13:25,709 --> 00:13:27,309 You must come over. 270 00:13:29,948 --> 00:13:33,388 Now, nothing is more likely to cause a quarrel 271 00:13:33,388 --> 00:13:35,107 than a badly ordered queue. 272 00:13:35,107 --> 00:13:39,267 So my question is what's the best way to board a plane? 273 00:13:39,267 --> 00:13:41,706 The people are in the lounge, and you want to board them 274 00:13:41,706 --> 00:13:44,306 onto the plane. What's the most efficient way of doing that? 275 00:13:44,306 --> 00:13:47,185 Minimise hand baggage. All those wankers who can't be bothered 276 00:13:47,185 --> 00:13:49,145 to check their bags in. 277 00:13:49,145 --> 00:13:52,225 Come on like mules, like pack mules. 278 00:13:52,225 --> 00:13:56,504 Fill up all the overhead lockers, with their very important shit. 279 00:13:56,504 --> 00:13:58,064 LAUGHTER 280 00:13:58,064 --> 00:14:00,543 Then they sit down, farting all the way to Malaga. 281 00:14:02,743 --> 00:14:04,023 Sorry, what was the question? 282 00:14:04,023 --> 00:14:05,782 LAUGHTER 283 00:14:05,782 --> 00:14:08,502 There's a lot of bitterness in this, isn't there? 284 00:14:08,502 --> 00:14:10,742 I had a moment on a flight last week, actually, 285 00:14:10,742 --> 00:14:13,381 when I was flying from Aberdeen to Shetland, 286 00:14:13,381 --> 00:14:16,181 and I was with my tour manager, who's also a big chap, 287 00:14:16,181 --> 00:14:18,140 and we sit next to each other cos we're pals, 288 00:14:18,140 --> 00:14:20,180 and there was hardly anyone else on the flight. 289 00:14:20,180 --> 00:14:21,300 It was only a small plane. 290 00:14:21,300 --> 00:14:24,019 And the stewardess came over, and she said, 291 00:14:24,019 --> 00:14:27,139 "Mr Manford, Mr Isaacs," she said, "would you mind separating 292 00:14:27,139 --> 00:14:29,818 "and sitting on either side of the plane?" 293 00:14:29,818 --> 00:14:31,458 LAUGHTER 294 00:14:31,458 --> 00:14:33,178 Oh, no. 295 00:14:33,178 --> 00:14:35,937 Weight distribution. Weight distribution! 296 00:14:37,497 --> 00:14:38,937 You're as heavy as a wing. 297 00:14:40,377 --> 00:14:43,016 What, so he's going to land like this if we...? 298 00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:45,976 Well, that's what you should have done. "We will at the start, 299 00:14:45,976 --> 00:14:49,335 "but during the flight, we're going to set you a series of challenges." 300 00:14:50,775 --> 00:14:54,054 Zig-zagging about the plane. 301 00:14:54,054 --> 00:14:58,374 First time in the history of the world where turbulence is a person. 302 00:14:58,374 --> 00:15:01,293 That's how I'm going to think of you now, as turbulent. That's me. 303 00:15:01,293 --> 00:15:03,533 By the back row, then the next row, then the next row. 304 00:15:03,533 --> 00:15:06,852 That is the most common. Yeah, that is the most common way of doing it. 305 00:15:06,852 --> 00:15:08,172 It is also the least efficient. 306 00:15:08,172 --> 00:15:11,852 Or in the middle and then fan it out towards the back and the front. 307 00:15:11,852 --> 00:15:13,411 Take the top off the plane... 308 00:15:13,411 --> 00:15:15,131 LAUGHTER 309 00:15:15,131 --> 00:15:17,971 ..let them all swarm in over the top like ants. 310 00:15:17,971 --> 00:15:21,250 So there's an astrophysicist called Dr Jason Steffen. 311 00:15:21,250 --> 00:15:24,769 He made a computer model, and then he teamed up with a TV producer 312 00:15:24,769 --> 00:15:26,409 to get people to act out boarding planes 313 00:15:26,409 --> 00:15:28,009 in various different arrangements. 314 00:15:28,009 --> 00:15:30,848 So he compared boarding from the front, from the back, at random, 315 00:15:30,848 --> 00:15:34,128 and what he called WilMA boarding - which is window, middle, 316 00:15:34,128 --> 00:15:36,888 and then aisle... Nice. Block boarding, by far the slowest. 317 00:15:36,888 --> 00:15:39,007 That's the way the airlines currently do it, 318 00:15:39,007 --> 00:15:41,887 so they say, "This group of seats, and then the next group of seats." 319 00:15:41,887 --> 00:15:44,486 The absolute best way to do it is board first 320 00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:46,926 the even-numbered window seats followed by 321 00:15:46,926 --> 00:15:50,325 the odd-numbered window seats, then repeat with the middle seats, 322 00:15:50,325 --> 00:15:52,365 and then repeat with the aisle seats. 323 00:15:52,365 --> 00:15:53,845 It's rather complicated, 324 00:15:53,845 --> 00:15:56,684 and so he actually recommends just board at random. 325 00:15:56,684 --> 00:16:00,484 That would still be much faster than what we currently do. 326 00:16:00,484 --> 00:16:02,483 You don't want too random, though, do you? 327 00:16:02,483 --> 00:16:05,483 You don't want to be, like, 16 rows back, and the pilot's there. 328 00:16:05,483 --> 00:16:07,243 LAUGHTER 329 00:16:10,682 --> 00:16:14,241 I was boarding recently, and this lady announced, 330 00:16:14,241 --> 00:16:17,961 "We are boarding everyone not in zone F." 331 00:16:17,961 --> 00:16:22,240 And then she said, "And also not in zone A, B, C, D, E." 332 00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:26,439 Then she paused and said, "We're just not boarding." 333 00:16:26,439 --> 00:16:27,679 LAUGHTER 334 00:16:30,679 --> 00:16:32,438 I think there's two types of passengers. 335 00:16:32,438 --> 00:16:35,398 There are the ones who think that, if anything happened to the pilot, 336 00:16:35,398 --> 00:16:38,357 they could probably be all right if they took over and got talked in. 337 00:16:38,357 --> 00:16:39,517 That's me. 338 00:16:39,517 --> 00:16:42,437 And there's the other ones who think there's no way they could do that. 339 00:16:42,437 --> 00:16:45,276 I sort of fancy myself being able to fly a plane. You're right. 340 00:16:45,276 --> 00:16:47,796 I think I could bloody give it a go. But don't you think that, 341 00:16:47,796 --> 00:16:50,316 when you've watched a load of ER, for example, then you think, 342 00:16:50,316 --> 00:16:52,635 "I totally could do that heart surgery"? 343 00:16:52,635 --> 00:16:55,035 I sort of feel like I'd be naturally good in emergencies. 344 00:16:55,035 --> 00:16:57,274 Like, I can't speak Spanish now, but I feel like, 345 00:16:57,274 --> 00:17:00,114 if there is an emergency, I probably could give it a go. Yeah. 346 00:17:00,114 --> 00:17:04,153 What kind of emergency suddenly requires Spanish? 347 00:17:04,153 --> 00:17:06,673 I feel like... A Spanish girl, Sandi. 348 00:17:06,673 --> 00:17:10,432 She's come in, she's choking, no-one else in the hospital speaks Spanish. 349 00:17:10,432 --> 00:17:12,232 Right. Something's wrong with her. 350 00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:14,392 Yeah. She can mime, but we're not getting it. 351 00:17:14,392 --> 00:17:17,551 No. They haven't trained like me in the dramatic art of mime. 352 00:17:17,551 --> 00:17:18,751 LAUGHTER 353 00:17:18,751 --> 00:17:21,470 Respirato... Paella...e sombrero. 354 00:17:23,790 --> 00:17:25,670 Eh, Venezuela... 355 00:17:27,310 --> 00:17:29,269 And I'm like, "Don't worry." 356 00:17:29,269 --> 00:17:31,669 PRETENDS TO SPEAK SPANISH 357 00:17:31,669 --> 00:17:33,828 "..penicillin?" "Penicillin!" 358 00:17:33,828 --> 00:17:35,988 And then it'll just be like that for... 359 00:17:35,988 --> 00:17:39,028 That poor child is dying, and you're the last thing she sees. 360 00:17:39,028 --> 00:17:41,307 LAUGHTER 361 00:17:41,307 --> 00:17:42,987 Here's a Randi Scandi fact. 362 00:17:42,987 --> 00:17:46,106 There's another queuing study from the fine country of Denmark. 363 00:17:46,106 --> 00:17:49,666 Economists concluded the very best method of serving a queue 364 00:17:49,666 --> 00:17:51,906 is to serve the last person first, so, 365 00:17:51,906 --> 00:17:54,585 when you have a first-in, first-out system, 366 00:17:54,585 --> 00:17:58,065 it encourages people to queue. If the last person got served, 367 00:17:58,065 --> 00:18:00,384 nobody would start to stand in the queue 368 00:18:00,384 --> 00:18:03,264 because there'd be no point in it. Queues just cause backlog, 369 00:18:03,264 --> 00:18:06,583 and so it's much better to serve the last person first. 370 00:18:06,583 --> 00:18:09,143 The way different people queue, you know, around the world, 371 00:18:09,143 --> 00:18:11,222 can lead to problems. 372 00:18:11,222 --> 00:18:13,462 I had a friend of mine recently in Manchester 373 00:18:13,462 --> 00:18:16,382 went to use a cash machine. When he got there to the cash machine, 374 00:18:16,382 --> 00:18:18,621 there was a man already using the machine, and, 375 00:18:18,621 --> 00:18:22,101 six foot behind the man, there was a woman sort of waiting her turn. 376 00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:24,300 So he says, "Are you in the queue for the cash machine?" 377 00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:26,940 And she says, "I'm Nigerian, and my religious beliefs are that, 378 00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:29,179 "because I don't know this man, and we're not related, 379 00:18:29,179 --> 00:18:31,859 "this is the distance that I feel safe and respectful, you know, 380 00:18:31,859 --> 00:18:34,779 "to what I believe in." So, cos Ste's a very thoughtful person, 381 00:18:34,779 --> 00:18:38,258 he then stands six foot away from her. 382 00:18:38,258 --> 00:18:41,857 You know, it's like a 12-foot, three-person queue out of nowhere. 383 00:18:41,857 --> 00:18:44,177 Then the man moved, and the woman moved to the machine 384 00:18:44,177 --> 00:18:47,376 to do her money business. Steve then stayed the six foot behind. 385 00:18:47,376 --> 00:18:50,176 Perfectly nice. And he was in his sort of daydream when another man 386 00:18:50,176 --> 00:18:52,776 come over and said, "Are you in the queue for the cash machine?" 387 00:18:52,776 --> 00:18:56,095 and Steve went to explain but, not loaded with all the information, 388 00:18:56,095 --> 00:18:59,135 said, "I am, yeah, but I'm standing here because she's Nigerian." 389 00:18:59,135 --> 00:19:01,174 LAUGHTER 390 00:19:04,854 --> 00:19:06,213 It's a minefield. 391 00:19:07,413 --> 00:19:10,373 Even when you're trying to be nice! 392 00:19:10,373 --> 00:19:14,892 So, anyway, why might you put a mirror next to a lift? 393 00:19:14,892 --> 00:19:17,252 Any thoughts about this? We're talking about waiting. 394 00:19:17,252 --> 00:19:20,051 Next to a lift or in a lift? No, next to it. 395 00:19:20,051 --> 00:19:23,011 It's to do with looking at yourself. People dislike waiting in line, 396 00:19:23,011 --> 00:19:24,850 but they do like looking at themselves. 397 00:19:24,850 --> 00:19:27,490 People don't complain if the lift takes a long time to arrive 398 00:19:27,490 --> 00:19:29,730 if they can constantly see themselves. 399 00:19:29,730 --> 00:19:32,129 I love this picture, though. So we had an experiment to see 400 00:19:32,129 --> 00:19:34,449 if we could recreate this with all of you. 401 00:19:34,449 --> 00:19:36,848 So let's have a look. Are we able to do that? 402 00:19:36,848 --> 00:19:38,568 There. What do you think? I know! 403 00:19:38,568 --> 00:19:40,568 Oh, it's Top Of The Pops from the '70s. 404 00:19:40,568 --> 00:19:44,847 LAUGHTER 405 00:19:52,486 --> 00:19:53,726 I love it! 406 00:19:54,805 --> 00:19:56,965 It's like a giant centipede! 407 00:19:58,245 --> 00:20:00,645 That is brilliant. That is really good fun! Wow. 408 00:20:02,044 --> 00:20:04,564 Can we do, like, the swimming thing where we go...? 409 00:20:04,564 --> 00:20:06,884 LAUGHTER 410 00:20:06,884 --> 00:20:08,963 APPLAUSE 411 00:20:13,362 --> 00:20:16,522 This is beginning to look like a Bollywood movie. 412 00:20:19,281 --> 00:20:21,761 Just keeps going after you've finished. 413 00:20:24,081 --> 00:20:28,400 Do you know what I did there? I actually tried to catch myself. 414 00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:31,280 Aw, there she is. You had me, you had me. 415 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:34,919 It's like synchronised swimming on your own. Brilliant. 416 00:20:34,919 --> 00:20:36,679 Very good. 417 00:20:38,038 --> 00:20:40,638 Our queuing advice is to really rile people up 418 00:20:40,638 --> 00:20:42,638 by ignoring the instructions at an airport 419 00:20:42,638 --> 00:20:45,557 and standing on the left of an underground escalator. 420 00:20:45,557 --> 00:20:47,957 AUDIENCE GASP 421 00:20:47,957 --> 00:20:50,716 That's really upset you! No, no, no. 422 00:20:50,716 --> 00:20:54,796 That's the only thing I care about after Brexit. Yeah. 423 00:20:54,796 --> 00:20:57,835 That's only down here that that's a problem. That is London. 424 00:20:57,835 --> 00:21:01,275 Only London. It's not even questioned anywhere else. 425 00:21:01,275 --> 00:21:02,594 Just stand wherever you want. 426 00:21:02,594 --> 00:21:04,914 You stand wherever you want? Yeah, it's not a thing. 427 00:21:04,914 --> 00:21:06,914 LAUGHTER Do what you want! 428 00:21:06,914 --> 00:21:09,273 It's just a thing down here. You stand on the right. 429 00:21:09,273 --> 00:21:10,753 Not anywhere else. 430 00:21:10,753 --> 00:21:12,153 Fucking stand on the right. 431 00:21:12,153 --> 00:21:14,353 LAUGHTER 432 00:21:14,353 --> 00:21:17,072 APPLAUSE 433 00:21:20,951 --> 00:21:25,991 Right. Who's famous for generating about 25,000 quarrels a year? 434 00:21:25,991 --> 00:21:27,270 Piers Morgan. 435 00:21:27,270 --> 00:21:29,550 KLAXON 436 00:21:30,670 --> 00:21:31,750 Someone had to say it. 437 00:21:32,949 --> 00:21:34,309 CATS SCREECH 438 00:21:34,309 --> 00:21:36,629 Ah, who's that?! Donald Trump. What, Donald Trump? Yes. 439 00:21:36,629 --> 00:21:39,228 KLAXON 440 00:21:39,228 --> 00:21:41,428 You want another one? Yeah. Katie Hopkins. 441 00:21:41,428 --> 00:21:43,228 KLAXON 442 00:21:43,228 --> 00:21:44,548 LAUGHTER 443 00:21:44,548 --> 00:21:47,467 We're doing well. That's the three! 444 00:21:47,467 --> 00:21:49,467 What might a quarrel be? 445 00:21:49,467 --> 00:21:51,826 It's a thing rather than it's a dispute. 446 00:21:51,826 --> 00:21:54,706 Like a vase of some sort. Why do you think it's a vase? 447 00:21:54,706 --> 00:21:56,626 That's a lovely idea. Why would you think that? 448 00:21:56,626 --> 00:21:58,065 I have no idea. 449 00:21:58,065 --> 00:21:59,865 LAUGHTER 450 00:21:59,865 --> 00:22:01,825 Is it a hat? No, so... 451 00:22:01,825 --> 00:22:03,425 So it's not a vase, and it's not a hat. 452 00:22:03,425 --> 00:22:05,304 You haven't left us with much, Sandi. 453 00:22:07,384 --> 00:22:08,664 We are going to go back in time. 454 00:22:08,664 --> 00:22:10,583 So, between the 10th and the 15th century, 455 00:22:10,583 --> 00:22:13,503 what was the principal weapon of war, do you suppose? 456 00:22:13,503 --> 00:22:14,543 Stink bombs. 457 00:22:15,823 --> 00:22:18,142 Plague. The plague? No, the crossbow, 458 00:22:18,142 --> 00:22:22,181 and the bolt for a crossbow is called a quarrel. Oh. Oh. 459 00:22:22,181 --> 00:22:25,021 And there was a man called John Malemont, 460 00:22:25,021 --> 00:22:28,101 and he was England's chief quarrel maker in the 13th century. 461 00:22:28,101 --> 00:22:31,820 He made up to 100 a day, so he made about 25,000 quarrels per year 462 00:22:31,820 --> 00:22:35,339 And the earliest crossbows, I mean, this is sort of an image 463 00:22:35,339 --> 00:22:37,979 of one of the earliest ones. They were really, really difficult 464 00:22:37,979 --> 00:22:40,179 to operate because it was so tight to pull it back 465 00:22:40,179 --> 00:22:42,738 so you had to get on your back, use the strength of both legs, 466 00:22:42,738 --> 00:22:45,618 your back and your arms in order to pull the mechanism backwards, 467 00:22:45,618 --> 00:22:47,737 then, eventually, they invented something called 468 00:22:47,737 --> 00:22:50,617 the crossbow stirrup, which meant you could put your foot in the thing 469 00:22:50,617 --> 00:22:52,097 and then pull back with... 470 00:22:52,097 --> 00:22:56,016 I mean, that looks like it can backfire pretty badly. 471 00:22:56,016 --> 00:22:59,415 That feels like before the adverts on You've Been Framed. 472 00:22:59,415 --> 00:23:01,095 LAUGHTER 473 00:23:01,095 --> 00:23:04,935 Harry Hill's like, "What's going to happen after the break?" 474 00:23:04,935 --> 00:23:08,214 Can I ask you, Sandi, weren't there female crossbow people 475 00:23:08,214 --> 00:23:11,333 who used to chop off their baps...? You're thinking of bows and arrows, 476 00:23:11,333 --> 00:23:13,973 and you're thinking of the Amazons who allegedly cut off 477 00:23:13,973 --> 00:23:16,093 their left breast in order to make it easier. 478 00:23:16,093 --> 00:23:19,172 Actually, it depends on which... You'd cut off your right breast 479 00:23:19,172 --> 00:23:22,092 so that the... You'd be annoyed if you cut off the wrong breast. 480 00:23:22,092 --> 00:23:23,132 Yes, I know. 481 00:23:23,132 --> 00:23:24,571 LAUGHTER 482 00:23:24,571 --> 00:23:26,771 "Aw, you're joking." "Oh, no." 483 00:23:26,771 --> 00:23:29,570 I was looking in the mirror, I was looking in the mirror. 484 00:23:30,850 --> 00:23:33,930 It must have been really odd for them when 485 00:23:33,930 --> 00:23:35,769 cannons and bullets came about. 486 00:23:35,769 --> 00:23:38,529 This is the thing. What happened was guns superseded crossbows 487 00:23:38,529 --> 00:23:41,689 in warfare, so you're talking about the 16th century, and, eventually, 488 00:23:41,689 --> 00:23:43,928 crossbows became reserved just for recreational use. 489 00:23:43,928 --> 00:23:47,008 I bet when guns come out, there were some pretty annoyed one-titted women 490 00:23:47,008 --> 00:23:48,327 knocking about. 491 00:23:48,327 --> 00:23:50,567 LAUGHTER 492 00:23:50,567 --> 00:23:52,367 "I chopped off me tit for this!" 493 00:23:53,927 --> 00:23:56,446 In the end it just became a sort of an entertainment thing. 494 00:23:56,446 --> 00:23:58,326 There'd be a procession, it would be led 495 00:23:58,326 --> 00:24:01,925 by a paddle master, who was like the ringmaster of the thing, 496 00:24:01,925 --> 00:24:05,085 but he would punish anybody who shot extremely badly by spanking them 497 00:24:05,085 --> 00:24:06,564 with his paddle. Oh! 498 00:24:06,564 --> 00:24:10,004 So a crossbow is essentially a horizontal and more refined 499 00:24:10,004 --> 00:24:15,323 version of the bow and arrow, which brings us to another Q - quivers. 500 00:24:15,323 --> 00:24:17,363 Where did Robin Hood keep his quiver? 501 00:24:17,363 --> 00:24:19,042 On his back? 502 00:24:19,042 --> 00:24:20,402 KLAXON 503 00:24:22,642 --> 00:24:25,601 Isn't it a quiver the thing you keep your arrows in? 504 00:24:25,601 --> 00:24:28,361 It is the thing you keep your arrows in, but if Robin Hood existed, 505 00:24:28,361 --> 00:24:31,560 he would never have pulled arrows from his back. 506 00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:35,000 You realise there is a photograph of him on the screen. 507 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:37,199 No, no, that's Kevin Costner. 508 00:24:38,679 --> 00:24:41,239 When he played Robin Hood, he went from Dover to Nottingham via 509 00:24:41,239 --> 00:24:44,878 Hadrian's Wall, so I think he's probably not the best person... 510 00:24:44,878 --> 00:24:47,038 ..to ask anything. 511 00:24:47,038 --> 00:24:49,517 The quiver is the sack you keep the arrows in, 512 00:24:49,517 --> 00:24:52,677 but it was stored on the belt. The only people that we know for sure wore it on their backs 513 00:24:52,677 --> 00:24:55,437 were Native Americans. There is one odd exception to this, 514 00:24:55,437 --> 00:24:57,516 there is a single archer in the Bayeux Tapestry 515 00:24:57,516 --> 00:25:00,796 with a quiver on his back. Top left there. 516 00:25:00,796 --> 00:25:03,235 So here we are, we are saying that you don't have the 517 00:25:03,235 --> 00:25:06,635 quiver on the back, apart from 50 million Native Americans 518 00:25:06,635 --> 00:25:08,794 and people at the Battle of Hastings, 519 00:25:08,794 --> 00:25:10,674 otherwise there is no other... 520 00:25:10,674 --> 00:25:13,314 Except, darling, if you took this as the correct thing, 521 00:25:13,314 --> 00:25:16,153 all of those people have got their arrows on the wrong side 522 00:25:16,153 --> 00:25:19,473 of the bow, so it would immediately fall off, so I'm going to suggest to 523 00:25:19,473 --> 00:25:22,472 you the person doing the sewing was not worried about technical detail. 524 00:25:22,472 --> 00:25:25,072 So, Sandi, do you think this photograph was staged? 525 00:25:26,551 --> 00:25:30,391 "Just stand still, OK, I'm nearly there, I've nearly got you." 526 00:25:30,391 --> 00:25:34,030 Now, what causes quarrels in the Batcave? 527 00:25:34,030 --> 00:25:37,630 Oh... Oh, is it his parking when he comes in after a fight? 528 00:25:37,630 --> 00:25:39,869 Maybe that. 529 00:25:39,869 --> 00:25:42,869 I used to love that show. Pow! It was wonderful, 530 00:25:42,869 --> 00:25:46,268 I didn't realise till quite late in my childhood that it was a spoof. 531 00:25:47,748 --> 00:25:49,388 Took it absolutely seriously. 532 00:25:49,388 --> 00:25:51,427 I didn't know until NOW it was a spoof. 533 00:25:52,587 --> 00:25:55,307 Was it a spoof? Well, they were playing for laughs. 534 00:25:55,307 --> 00:25:58,506 So, I'm not talking about... Are you talking about actual bats? 535 00:25:58,506 --> 00:26:00,986 Oh! You fooled us with the photograph! 536 00:26:02,106 --> 00:26:04,785 Is it hanging space, not enough hanging space, 537 00:26:04,785 --> 00:26:07,585 someone putting the light on in the middle of the night? 538 00:26:08,665 --> 00:26:10,504 Well, weirdly you're right, Alan, 539 00:26:10,504 --> 00:26:14,784 because it is almost exactly the stuff that we all fight about. 540 00:26:14,784 --> 00:26:18,823 So researchers recently translated the calls and squeals of bats, 541 00:26:18,823 --> 00:26:21,902 they played them to a computer with a machine-learning algorithm 542 00:26:21,902 --> 00:26:24,382 and they figured out the patterns and the noises 543 00:26:24,382 --> 00:26:26,462 and worked out what the sounds meant, 544 00:26:26,462 --> 00:26:28,581 and mostly bats are complaining, OK? 545 00:26:29,941 --> 00:26:32,381 So, most bat squeaks fell into four categories. 546 00:26:32,381 --> 00:26:35,580 Arguing about who should get what food, arguing about who 547 00:26:35,580 --> 00:26:38,500 should sleep where, the females - what were they complaining about? 548 00:26:38,500 --> 00:26:41,219 Cold, they are cold but their men are too hot. 549 00:26:42,379 --> 00:26:45,499 Unwanted male advances is what the females were arguing about, 550 00:26:45,499 --> 00:26:47,898 and bats of either sex arguing 551 00:26:47,898 --> 00:26:51,338 because they think another bat is sitting too close to them. 552 00:26:51,338 --> 00:26:57,857 If you could improve one of your senses really, really a lot, 553 00:26:57,857 --> 00:27:01,936 and maybe lose a bit on the others, what would you have? 554 00:27:01,936 --> 00:27:04,655 I'd lose a bit of hearing. You'd lose what? 555 00:27:04,655 --> 00:27:06,495 I'd lose a little bit... 556 00:27:06,495 --> 00:27:08,055 LAUGHTER 557 00:27:09,175 --> 00:27:11,574 I'm thinking bats, they can't see anything but they can hear 558 00:27:11,574 --> 00:27:14,094 everything, which is probably what they're complaining about. 559 00:27:14,094 --> 00:27:17,973 I think sight, I'd like sight... Yeah. 560 00:27:17,973 --> 00:27:20,613 I'm getting laser eye surgery in a couple of weeks... Are you? 561 00:27:20,613 --> 00:27:23,692 Well, my eyes are fine, but I'd love if they had lasers in them. 562 00:27:26,212 --> 00:27:29,451 The other fascinating thing about bats is they have multiple different 563 00:27:29,451 --> 00:27:32,331 dialects and they learn them from their mothers and their peers. 564 00:27:32,331 --> 00:27:34,731 They use different tones of voice when they are speaking to 565 00:27:34,731 --> 00:27:37,490 members of their group, and it's one of the only animals to do this. 566 00:27:37,490 --> 00:27:39,410 I mean, humans do it, dolphins do it and monkeys, 567 00:27:39,410 --> 00:27:42,449 but it is very, very rare, and they can actually single out 568 00:27:42,449 --> 00:27:45,849 a single bat in the cave to communicate with, 569 00:27:45,849 --> 00:27:49,688 and bearing in mind in some caves there are 20 million bats, 570 00:27:49,688 --> 00:27:53,408 and when they are annoyed, what do they do? They raise their voices. 571 00:27:53,408 --> 00:27:55,807 So, what the bat signal is really saying is, 572 00:27:55,807 --> 00:27:59,047 "Get away from me and don't touch my food." 573 00:27:59,047 --> 00:28:01,566 This next question is so controversial that Brazil 574 00:28:01,566 --> 00:28:04,766 and France almost went to war over it. 575 00:28:04,766 --> 00:28:07,845 How do lobsters get about? 576 00:28:07,845 --> 00:28:09,325 CAT SQUEALS Yes, sir? 577 00:28:09,325 --> 00:28:10,565 Oyster card. 578 00:28:12,044 --> 00:28:14,044 APPLAUSE I know, right? 579 00:28:15,684 --> 00:28:18,003 What can I do? 580 00:28:18,003 --> 00:28:20,683 So, what do you reckon, how do they get about? 581 00:28:20,683 --> 00:28:22,323 Yes? By black crab. 582 00:28:23,363 --> 00:28:24,802 GROANING 583 00:28:27,162 --> 00:28:30,042 What do you reckon? Do they just walk? 584 00:28:30,042 --> 00:28:31,441 KLAXON 585 00:28:34,201 --> 00:28:36,321 So, it depends which side you're on. 586 00:28:36,321 --> 00:28:39,480 Brazil and France, they very nearly went to war over this. 587 00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:44,199 1961, and the question was, do lobsters crawl or do they swim? 588 00:28:44,199 --> 00:28:47,959 So Brazilian law stated that all sea creatures that walked within 589 00:28:47,959 --> 00:28:51,238 certain distances of their seashore were exclusively theirs, 590 00:28:51,238 --> 00:28:54,478 but anything swimming was fair game, so the French came along, 591 00:28:54,478 --> 00:28:56,517 they found a nice spot to catch lobsters, 592 00:28:56,517 --> 00:28:59,557 and Brazil claimed the lobsters were crawling along the coastal 593 00:28:59,557 --> 00:29:02,636 shelf so they belonged to Brazil, France said they were swimming, 594 00:29:02,636 --> 00:29:05,676 and therefore belonged to the fishermen who were catching them. 595 00:29:05,676 --> 00:29:11,235 In actual fact, lobsters mostly walk but they do swim occasionally. 596 00:29:11,235 --> 00:29:14,314 There was a Brazilian navy oceanography expert, 597 00:29:14,314 --> 00:29:17,594 who argued that if lobsters can be considered fish when they swim, 598 00:29:17,594 --> 00:29:21,073 so could a kangaroo considered to be a bird when it hops. 599 00:29:22,113 --> 00:29:24,473 Very interesting. Anyway, tensions escalated. Wow! 600 00:29:24,473 --> 00:29:29,032 Brazil sent an aircraft carrier, France sent a worship, I mean... 601 00:29:29,032 --> 00:29:30,792 IN FRENCH ACCENT: Those Brazilians, 602 00:29:30,792 --> 00:29:32,991 they come in here giving it all that! 603 00:29:35,231 --> 00:29:37,830 You've all got lobsters, if you want to take them out, 604 00:29:37,830 --> 00:29:39,350 you've all got lobsters. 605 00:29:39,350 --> 00:29:42,310 Did you know that lobsters are left- and right-clawed in the same 606 00:29:42,310 --> 00:29:44,269 proportion that we are left- and right-handed? 607 00:29:44,269 --> 00:29:45,829 Yes, I did know. 608 00:29:45,829 --> 00:29:48,189 If you look at that one in the picture, it is 609 00:29:48,189 --> 00:29:51,068 clearly left-clawed, and 10% of lobsters are dominant 610 00:29:51,068 --> 00:29:53,628 on the left claw, exactly the same proportions. 611 00:29:53,628 --> 00:29:56,148 So, some of them are left-handed and some of them are right-handed. 612 00:29:56,148 --> 00:29:58,827 It is 10%, exactly the same as humans. But they use their right 613 00:29:58,827 --> 00:30:01,387 claw when they want to make it feel like it's someone else. 614 00:30:04,826 --> 00:30:07,666 There is a long history of sea life causing international conflict. 615 00:30:07,666 --> 00:30:09,945 There is a Turbot War, Canada and Spain. 616 00:30:09,945 --> 00:30:11,785 The Crab War, North and South Korea. 617 00:30:11,785 --> 00:30:14,744 The Oyster War, Mackerel and Cod wars, the Prawn War, the Squid War, 618 00:30:14,744 --> 00:30:16,024 the Scallop Conflict. 619 00:30:16,024 --> 00:30:17,904 Here's my favourite, the Sprat Spat. 620 00:30:19,304 --> 00:30:20,464 Between Latvia and Russia. 621 00:30:20,464 --> 00:30:22,983 Look at them all, they are a fantastic list of wars. 622 00:30:22,983 --> 00:30:24,943 What a terrible way to get your medals, 623 00:30:24,943 --> 00:30:27,582 like, no-one would really respect you if you were like, "Yeah, I 624 00:30:27,582 --> 00:30:30,902 "was in the Scallop Conflict of 1970. 625 00:30:30,902 --> 00:30:33,581 "I've never really gotten over it, you know? 626 00:30:33,581 --> 00:30:37,061 And showing off as well, like, crustaceans sitting 627 00:30:37,061 --> 00:30:40,140 around saying, "My grandfather fought in the First Prawn War." 628 00:30:41,900 --> 00:30:43,460 Right, lobsters away. 629 00:30:44,980 --> 00:30:47,139 How do you get a Dane fired up? 630 00:30:47,139 --> 00:30:49,979 You tell them the end of the crime thriller series? 631 00:30:49,979 --> 00:30:52,138 Yes, who did it! 632 00:30:52,138 --> 00:30:55,498 There's a lot of dead people in Copenhagen, aren't there? 633 00:30:55,498 --> 00:30:58,257 Vikings settling quarrels, how might they do it? 634 00:30:58,257 --> 00:31:01,057 Well, it's not with a quiet chat. No. 635 00:31:01,057 --> 00:31:03,657 So, the fired-up part is really important. 636 00:31:03,657 --> 00:31:06,616 Do they make their weapons hot? It's called skin pulling. 637 00:31:06,616 --> 00:31:08,576 There is a Nordic spin on tug-of-war, 638 00:31:08,576 --> 00:31:12,655 and what you do is you get an animal hide, so walrus, seal or ox or something, and you use it as a rope, 639 00:31:12,655 --> 00:31:16,294 and the complainants pull at either end until one is yanked over. 640 00:31:16,294 --> 00:31:17,774 Here is the Scandi twist. 641 00:31:17,774 --> 00:31:19,534 The whole thing happens over a fire, 642 00:31:19,534 --> 00:31:23,413 so whoever loses is dragged into the fire. 643 00:31:23,413 --> 00:31:26,213 I think er used to do that at the Scouts. 644 00:31:26,213 --> 00:31:29,252 So, one of the sagas, there is a King Yngvi, 645 00:31:29,252 --> 00:31:32,412 and he instructs the two opponents, Hastigi and 646 00:31:32,412 --> 00:31:36,331 Hord, to a skin pulling contest, and Hastigi gets naked 647 00:31:36,331 --> 00:31:38,771 but he thinks that's going to give him some advantage, but he's 648 00:31:38,771 --> 00:31:41,930 eventually pulled into the fire, and the king regrets the whole thing. 649 00:31:41,930 --> 00:31:44,730 It's a horrible way of settling a quarrel, isn't it? Yes. 650 00:31:44,730 --> 00:31:48,209 The one I like is from 18th century Arabia, there was 651 00:31:48,209 --> 00:31:52,249 a Scottish traveller called James Bruce, so 1730 to 1794, 652 00:31:52,249 --> 00:31:55,968 and he reported on a town calle d Yanbu, so present-day Saudi Arabia, 653 00:31:55,968 --> 00:31:58,928 and the locals had been fighting for days wasting the town's 654 00:31:58,928 --> 00:32:00,807 ammunition, all firing at each other, 655 00:32:00,807 --> 00:32:04,447 and in the end, to agree on how to end the conflict, they all agreed 656 00:32:04,447 --> 00:32:06,766 that everything that had happened that was bad 657 00:32:06,766 --> 00:32:08,086 was the work of one camel. 658 00:32:09,086 --> 00:32:11,805 So they seized the camel, they put it on trial, 659 00:32:11,805 --> 00:32:13,725 and they spent the whole afternoon shouting at it, 660 00:32:13,725 --> 00:32:16,525 then speared it and killed it, and justice was done. 661 00:32:16,525 --> 00:32:19,804 And now it's time for the hostile interrogation that we call 662 00:32:19,804 --> 00:32:22,484 General Ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, please. 663 00:32:22,484 --> 00:32:25,763 What's the most dangerous part of this ship? 664 00:32:25,763 --> 00:32:26,883 DOGS BARK 665 00:32:26,883 --> 00:32:28,763 Yes? Er, the buffet. 666 00:32:28,763 --> 00:32:31,002 LAUGHTER 667 00:32:31,002 --> 00:32:33,402 APPLAUSE 668 00:32:35,322 --> 00:32:37,681 So you can see it. You can see it in this picture. 669 00:32:37,681 --> 00:32:38,761 The lifeboat. 670 00:32:38,761 --> 00:32:40,721 It is the lifeboats. You are absolutely right. 671 00:32:40,721 --> 00:32:42,360 They're the most dangerous bit? Yeah. 672 00:32:42,360 --> 00:32:44,240 So there was a safety study carried out by 673 00:32:44,240 --> 00:32:46,840 the Marine Accident Investigation Branch in 2001, 674 00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:50,119 and lifeboats killed more people than they saved 675 00:32:50,119 --> 00:32:53,479 in the UK and Australia over a ten-year period. 676 00:32:53,479 --> 00:32:56,558 In fact, they found it was the most common cause of death 677 00:32:56,558 --> 00:32:58,198 on board a ship. 678 00:32:58,198 --> 00:33:00,597 It accounts for 16% of all lives lost. 679 00:33:00,597 --> 00:33:03,517 Almost all of the accidents happen during training or maintenance, 680 00:33:03,517 --> 00:33:07,236 and, in the same time period, no lifeboat was actually used 681 00:33:07,236 --> 00:33:11,596 in an evacuation, so they didn't save any lives whatsoever. 682 00:33:11,596 --> 00:33:14,075 It is considered a really serious problem. 683 00:33:14,075 --> 00:33:16,435 Airplanes have a similar issue with their apparently 684 00:33:16,435 --> 00:33:17,675 life-saving devices. 685 00:33:17,675 --> 00:33:19,794 In fact, we can try them out now. 686 00:33:19,794 --> 00:33:21,714 We're about to crash-land on water. 687 00:33:21,714 --> 00:33:23,954 Fortunately, your life jacket is under your seat, 688 00:33:23,954 --> 00:33:25,793 and, since we know you always pay attention 689 00:33:25,793 --> 00:33:29,193 to the safety demonstrations, here we go. Brace, brace, brace! 690 00:33:29,193 --> 00:33:30,753 KLAXON Go, go! 691 00:33:30,753 --> 00:33:33,072 AIRPLANE ENGINE WHIRS 692 00:33:33,072 --> 00:33:36,272 That's it! Toggle, toggle, toggle. 693 00:33:36,272 --> 00:33:38,471 LAUGHTER 694 00:33:38,471 --> 00:33:41,151 Stick it on, stick it on. Inflate it. 695 00:33:43,750 --> 00:33:46,510 WHISTLE BLOWS Very good. 696 00:33:46,510 --> 00:33:48,750 LAUGHTER 697 00:33:48,750 --> 00:33:50,229 As far as we can ascertain, 698 00:33:50,229 --> 00:33:53,549 life jackets have never saved anybody's life... 699 00:33:54,749 --> 00:33:57,268 ..in a modern commercial airline. 700 00:33:58,308 --> 00:34:00,668 I feel like I overreacted then, if I'm honest. 701 00:34:00,668 --> 00:34:03,507 So you're going to have to take them off. So if you just take them... 702 00:34:03,507 --> 00:34:05,467 Can you get it off, darling? Can you...? 703 00:34:08,106 --> 00:34:09,146 HE GRUNTS 704 00:34:11,186 --> 00:34:12,466 INDISTINCT 705 00:34:12,466 --> 00:34:14,625 No! 706 00:34:14,625 --> 00:34:16,465 SCREECHING 707 00:34:18,145 --> 00:34:21,064 LAUGHTER 708 00:34:30,983 --> 00:34:32,223 Oh, my God! 709 00:34:32,223 --> 00:34:35,182 APPLAUSE 710 00:34:37,022 --> 00:34:39,541 Bloody hell! Are you all right? 711 00:34:41,821 --> 00:34:44,740 Do you remember when that plane crash-landed on the Hudson? 712 00:34:44,740 --> 00:34:48,740 I do, yeah. Oh, and Tom Hanks was in the plane. Yes. 713 00:34:48,740 --> 00:34:51,419 Only 33 of the 150 passengers who were on board 714 00:34:51,419 --> 00:34:54,899 had even managed to get hold of their life vests, 715 00:34:54,899 --> 00:34:57,498 and, of those 33 who'd managed to find them, 716 00:34:57,498 --> 00:35:00,498 only four were wearing them correctly. 717 00:35:00,498 --> 00:35:02,978 They're only intended for planned water landings. 718 00:35:02,978 --> 00:35:05,257 In other words, when there's been advanced warning, 719 00:35:05,257 --> 00:35:07,417 and that hasn't happened for several decades. 720 00:35:07,417 --> 00:35:10,456 Well, I often wonder that, when I'm flying Heathrow to Edinburgh, 721 00:35:10,456 --> 00:35:13,296 they give it all that, "Well, it'd have to be a good shot, mate. 722 00:35:13,296 --> 00:35:15,296 "Where are you going to...?" 723 00:35:15,296 --> 00:35:16,935 Right into Windermere. 724 00:35:16,935 --> 00:35:19,015 There's a woman called Cynthia McLean, she's the 725 00:35:19,015 --> 00:35:21,934 Federal Aviation Authority's principal cabin safety investigator. 726 00:35:21,934 --> 00:35:25,694 She says the best advice is leave the bloody life vest behind. 727 00:35:25,694 --> 00:35:28,333 It takes too long, and, actually, the best thing you can do 728 00:35:28,333 --> 00:35:30,413 if you land on the water is get off the plane. 729 00:35:30,413 --> 00:35:34,492 So, they could save an enormous amount of weight, airlines, 730 00:35:34,492 --> 00:35:36,692 if they just remove the almost useless life jackets, 731 00:35:36,692 --> 00:35:40,891 they could save about a million gallons of fuel every year, but they don't do it. Why don't they do it? 732 00:35:40,891 --> 00:35:44,331 Psychological comfort. Yes, we get psychological comfort knowing there's a life jacket. 733 00:35:44,331 --> 00:35:47,650 Why don't they replace them with parachutes? I've never understood that. 734 00:35:47,650 --> 00:35:50,450 Because if people can't put the life jacket on properly, 735 00:35:50,450 --> 00:35:52,050 who the heck is going to manage...? 736 00:35:52,050 --> 00:35:54,009 LAUGHTER 737 00:35:54,009 --> 00:35:56,729 Why can't the plane be equipped 738 00:35:56,729 --> 00:35:59,448 with two enormous parachutes? 739 00:36:00,448 --> 00:36:02,368 Yes! Yes. That's a good shout. 740 00:36:02,368 --> 00:36:06,247 When it's going down, they just release the two enormous parachutes, 741 00:36:06,247 --> 00:36:08,727 and it floats to the ground. Yeah, like Wile E Coyote. 742 00:36:08,727 --> 00:36:10,527 LAUGHTER 743 00:36:10,527 --> 00:36:14,326 When you jump off a plane, you're strapped to another human being, right? 744 00:36:14,326 --> 00:36:16,046 When you're... 745 00:36:17,805 --> 00:36:20,005 All you mean sky jumping? Sky jumping, yes. 746 00:36:20,005 --> 00:36:23,044 Quite good if every seat, there is already someone sitting, 747 00:36:23,044 --> 00:36:26,884 strap them to them, and then in the event of an emergency 748 00:36:26,884 --> 00:36:29,723 you jump with them. No, I don't want to spend any flight, 749 00:36:29,723 --> 00:36:32,443 no matter how short, strapped to somebody else. 750 00:36:33,523 --> 00:36:35,282 I do. 751 00:36:37,162 --> 00:36:42,041 Right, moving on. Where did the Great Fire of London start? 752 00:36:42,041 --> 00:36:43,721 Oooh. 753 00:36:43,721 --> 00:36:46,481 Go on, then. You think you know. Go on. 754 00:36:46,481 --> 00:36:48,400 Let the audience get it. 755 00:36:48,400 --> 00:36:49,760 AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Pudding Lane! 756 00:36:49,760 --> 00:36:51,120 KLAXON 757 00:36:53,040 --> 00:36:54,919 Not nice, is it? It's not nice. 758 00:36:56,199 --> 00:36:58,599 Makes you feel stupid, don't it? 759 00:36:58,599 --> 00:37:02,358 At the monument. So, well, closer to the monument than we thought. 760 00:37:02,358 --> 00:37:05,638 So it did start at a bakery. It was a baker called Thomas Farriner, 761 00:37:05,638 --> 00:37:07,677 and he left his fuel out too close to the oven, 762 00:37:07,677 --> 00:37:11,677 but they've now discovered planning documents from 1673, 763 00:37:11,677 --> 00:37:14,996 there was an academic called Dorian Gerhold, and he revealed the oven 764 00:37:14,996 --> 00:37:17,356 was actually situated on Monument Street, 765 00:37:17,356 --> 00:37:20,675 so it's about 60 feet east of Pudding Lane, and, of course, 766 00:37:20,675 --> 00:37:22,995 Monument Street wasn't called that then because...? 767 00:37:22,995 --> 00:37:25,234 There was no monument. There was no monument. Yes! 768 00:37:25,234 --> 00:37:27,314 So the monument was built in 1677. 769 00:37:27,314 --> 00:37:31,033 Now, the thing about the monument is it's 202ft tall 770 00:37:31,033 --> 00:37:34,113 because it was supposed to be 202 feet from where the fire started, 771 00:37:34,113 --> 00:37:37,432 but it's probably now too tall 772 00:37:37,432 --> 00:37:41,632 because it probably started much closer to the monument. 773 00:37:41,632 --> 00:37:44,351 What happened was there were lots of printers in the area, and stationers 774 00:37:44,351 --> 00:37:46,871 and book-sellers and so on, and they wanted to save all their paper, 775 00:37:46,871 --> 00:37:48,910 and they rushed to the vaults of St Paul's 776 00:37:48,910 --> 00:37:51,190 because they thought the thick walls would keep it safe. 777 00:37:51,190 --> 00:37:54,110 In fact, this vast amount of paper just became kindling, 778 00:37:54,110 --> 00:37:56,829 helped the fire spread, it destroyed the cathedral. 779 00:37:56,829 --> 00:38:00,229 Apparently was a gruesome sight, the collapse of St Paul's exposed 780 00:38:00,229 --> 00:38:03,188 corpses of people who'd been buried for hundreds of years. 781 00:38:03,188 --> 00:38:05,748 And the fire smouldered for six months. God. 782 00:38:05,748 --> 00:38:08,787 Destroyed 13,200 houses, 87 churches, 783 00:38:08,787 --> 00:38:12,427 and if you imagine at the time, London, the most densely populated 784 00:38:12,427 --> 00:38:14,066 urban settlement in the world. 785 00:38:14,066 --> 00:38:15,706 How many people do you think died? 786 00:38:15,706 --> 00:38:17,866 It's really low, it's about five or something. 787 00:38:17,866 --> 00:38:19,785 So, it was mentioned on QI on the D series, 788 00:38:19,785 --> 00:38:22,065 that they thought it was low, maybe five or six people, 789 00:38:22,065 --> 00:38:25,944 but they now question that. It's almost certain that it was hundreds of people who perished. 790 00:38:25,944 --> 00:38:28,704 And the real problem is the deaths of the poor and even the middle class, 791 00:38:28,704 --> 00:38:31,664 nobody's that bothered, so it probably goes unreported. 792 00:38:31,664 --> 00:38:34,743 How many people were living in London at the time, was it like a big place? 793 00:38:34,743 --> 00:38:37,543 About half a million people living in London at the time. OK. 794 00:38:37,543 --> 00:38:41,102 But some people so burnt that you wouldn't know even that there was a body there. 795 00:38:41,102 --> 00:38:44,781 And also, for three weeks after the fire started, the bills of mortality, 796 00:38:44,781 --> 00:38:49,141 which was the record of London deaths, went unpublished because the press itself getting burnt down. 797 00:38:49,141 --> 00:38:53,140 Right, moving on. The Great Fire of London didn't start on Pudding Lane, 798 00:38:53,140 --> 00:38:54,660 it started just next door. 799 00:38:54,660 --> 00:38:57,659 How should you position your hands when holding the steering wheel? 800 00:38:57,659 --> 00:38:59,579 Ten-to-two. 801 00:38:59,579 --> 00:39:01,779 KLAXON 802 00:39:03,218 --> 00:39:05,338 Used to be. Not any more. Why not? 803 00:39:05,338 --> 00:39:08,937 It's no longer recommended. Well, it's definitely not that. 804 00:39:08,937 --> 00:39:11,497 Something has changed in cars since 805 00:39:11,497 --> 00:39:14,497 the origins of the ten-to-two idea. 806 00:39:14,497 --> 00:39:16,216 What has changed? Seat belts? 807 00:39:16,216 --> 00:39:18,696 No, not seat belts. AUDIENCE MEMBER: Airbags. 808 00:39:18,696 --> 00:39:20,176 Airbags is absolutely right. 809 00:39:20,176 --> 00:39:22,255 So, if your hands are too close together, 810 00:39:22,255 --> 00:39:25,015 which is the ten and the two, it increases the risk of injury, 811 00:39:25,015 --> 00:39:26,815 and some of the injuries are horrific. 812 00:39:26,815 --> 00:39:30,254 Airbags inflate at up to 250mph. Jesus. 813 00:39:30,254 --> 00:39:33,613 Broken hands, entire hands sometimes, requiring amputations. 814 00:39:33,613 --> 00:39:38,093 There is a really stomach-churning injury called de-gloving. 815 00:39:38,093 --> 00:39:40,012 AUDIENCE GASP What...? 816 00:39:40,012 --> 00:39:42,812 Yeah. So lifeboats, airbags. 817 00:39:42,812 --> 00:39:44,052 Like, what is...? 818 00:39:44,052 --> 00:39:46,651 What, the paramedics just come round and slit your throat? 819 00:39:46,651 --> 00:39:49,331 LAUGHTER What's going on? 820 00:39:49,331 --> 00:39:51,131 The best thing is like that, nine and three, 821 00:39:51,131 --> 00:39:53,210 because that way the airbag has got space to come up 822 00:39:53,210 --> 00:39:55,050 between your hands. Keeps you out of the way. 823 00:39:55,050 --> 00:39:56,850 I just steer with my cock. 824 00:39:56,850 --> 00:39:58,769 LAUGHTER 825 00:40:01,249 --> 00:40:03,089 Just loop it round once. 826 00:40:09,288 --> 00:40:11,607 The British driving test changed in 2018. 827 00:40:11,607 --> 00:40:13,727 What did they get rid of? Oh, that's good. 828 00:40:13,727 --> 00:40:16,047 I failed my theory test three times last year. 829 00:40:16,047 --> 00:40:18,886 Have you passed now? No, she hasn't. 830 00:40:18,886 --> 00:40:21,246 I do believe I'm just too much of a genius 831 00:40:21,246 --> 00:40:24,085 to grasp something so simple. 832 00:40:24,085 --> 00:40:26,765 That's how I feel. I failed the practical six times. 833 00:40:26,765 --> 00:40:28,165 What did they pull you up on? 834 00:40:28,165 --> 00:40:31,684 I got to a junction, I looked right, I said, "All right your side?" 835 00:40:31,684 --> 00:40:33,524 LAUGHTER 836 00:40:36,323 --> 00:40:39,123 I failed my test cos, when I was meant to go forwards, 837 00:40:39,123 --> 00:40:40,363 I went backwards. 838 00:40:40,363 --> 00:40:42,122 LAUGHTER 839 00:40:42,122 --> 00:40:44,522 They got rid of the turn in the road manoeuvre. That's gone, 840 00:40:44,522 --> 00:40:46,682 and that reversing around the corner is gone as well. 841 00:40:46,682 --> 00:40:49,481 Yeah, good. That was hard, that one. Is that because that's creepy? 842 00:40:49,481 --> 00:40:50,681 LAUGHTER 843 00:40:50,681 --> 00:40:54,040 I also think parallel parking should do one. 844 00:40:54,040 --> 00:40:56,680 Because that's why we are so fat, because we keep trying to park 845 00:40:56,680 --> 00:40:58,160 closest to the place we need to be. 846 00:40:58,160 --> 00:41:02,479 But if you actually just find the nearest easy parking space, 847 00:41:02,479 --> 00:41:04,799 sometimes you can be 2 miles away. 848 00:41:04,799 --> 00:41:07,758 There's a wonderful survey they did in 2015 of 849 00:41:07,758 --> 00:41:09,958 the most common reasons people fail their tests. 850 00:41:09,958 --> 00:41:12,397 Unusual reasons for failing included - 851 00:41:12,397 --> 00:41:14,717 "I thought a line of parked cars was a line of traffic 852 00:41:14,717 --> 00:41:16,237 "so waited behind it." 853 00:41:17,796 --> 00:41:19,756 "I went too far forward at a zebra crossing 854 00:41:19,756 --> 00:41:21,996 "and bumped the bumper on a pedestrian... 855 00:41:23,236 --> 00:41:24,795 "..and then argued it wasn't my fault 856 00:41:24,795 --> 00:41:27,395 "as his outfit had made him blend in with the stripes." 857 00:41:27,395 --> 00:41:29,635 LAUGHTER 858 00:41:29,635 --> 00:41:32,234 "A good-looking man on a motorbike caught my attention, 859 00:41:32,234 --> 00:41:36,273 "and, without realising, I started to drive directly towards him. 860 00:41:36,273 --> 00:41:39,033 "The instructor had to enforce an emergency stop 861 00:41:39,033 --> 00:41:41,633 "because I nearly crashed straight into him." 862 00:41:41,633 --> 00:41:45,232 Driving instructors, just as a type of people, are quite mean. Mm. 863 00:41:45,232 --> 00:41:47,192 I was getting my driving test. I just sat down. 864 00:41:47,192 --> 00:41:48,951 He looked at me, and he said, 865 00:41:48,951 --> 00:41:51,391 "I don't think you're going to make it." 866 00:41:51,391 --> 00:41:53,591 Wow. Wow. At least he wasn't a doctor. 867 00:41:53,591 --> 00:41:56,430 LAUGHTER 868 00:41:56,430 --> 00:41:58,870 What is the definition of a species? 869 00:41:58,870 --> 00:42:01,709 A type of a living thing? 870 00:42:01,709 --> 00:42:03,269 A class of animal? 871 00:42:03,269 --> 00:42:06,988 Well, here's the thing, there is no universal definition of a species. 872 00:42:06,988 --> 00:42:08,788 Type of a living thing it is, then. 873 00:42:08,788 --> 00:42:12,308 There is certainly at least 32 different definitions. 874 00:42:12,308 --> 00:42:14,747 One of the things that people learn, if they are two different species, 875 00:42:14,747 --> 00:42:16,147 they can't produce viable offspring, 876 00:42:16,147 --> 00:42:18,787 so, mules, which are horse-donkey hybrids, 877 00:42:18,787 --> 00:42:22,226 and horses have 64 chromosomes, donkeys have 62, so mules end up 878 00:42:22,226 --> 00:42:23,906 with 63, which is an odd number, 879 00:42:23,906 --> 00:42:27,425 you can't divide evenly into sperm and eggs, and so it is sterile. 880 00:42:27,425 --> 00:42:31,065 But it is not the case with different species combinations. 881 00:42:31,065 --> 00:42:35,304 So, bonobos and chimps successfully interbreed. And zoologists estimate 882 00:42:35,304 --> 00:42:38,263 88% of all fish species could happily interbreed. 883 00:42:38,263 --> 00:42:41,023 Quite a few fish species like the swordtails in Mexico, 884 00:42:41,023 --> 00:42:43,462 the result of two different fish species. 885 00:42:43,462 --> 00:42:46,062 What about human and chimp? Asking for a friend. 886 00:42:53,061 --> 00:42:56,460 Many different species can successfully breed with one another, 887 00:42:56,460 --> 00:42:58,260 although it is admittedly very hard 888 00:42:58,260 --> 00:43:00,300 to make a whale have sex with an oak tree. 889 00:43:00,300 --> 00:43:02,619 And, with that questionable image in your minds, 890 00:43:02,619 --> 00:43:04,499 it's time for the scores. 891 00:43:04,499 --> 00:43:08,778 Well and truly quashed in last place...with minus 37 - 892 00:43:08,778 --> 00:43:10,698 it's Alan! Thank you very much. 893 00:43:10,698 --> 00:43:12,058 CHEERING, APPLAUSE 894 00:43:12,058 --> 00:43:14,577 How did I do that?! 895 00:43:14,577 --> 00:43:16,897 In fourth place with minus 25 - 896 00:43:16,897 --> 00:43:18,457 Jason! 897 00:43:18,457 --> 00:43:20,816 Fourth? Is that not the same as last? 898 00:43:20,816 --> 00:43:22,896 In third place with minus 17 - 899 00:43:22,896 --> 00:43:24,176 Aisling! 900 00:43:24,176 --> 00:43:26,216 CHEERING, APPLAUSE 901 00:43:27,455 --> 00:43:29,695 In second place with minus nine - 902 00:43:29,695 --> 00:43:31,095 it's the audience! 903 00:43:31,095 --> 00:43:34,614 CHEERING, WHISTLING 904 00:43:34,614 --> 00:43:38,094 And our winner today with a full four points - 905 00:43:38,094 --> 00:43:39,693 Anuvab! 906 00:43:39,693 --> 00:43:41,493 CHEERING, APPLAUSE 907 00:43:41,493 --> 00:43:44,932 THEME TUNE PLAYS 908 00:43:47,052 --> 00:43:51,411 Which only leaves me to thank Anuvab, Aisling, Jason and Alan, 909 00:43:51,411 --> 00:43:54,371 and I leave you with this quick quotation from the quarrelsome 910 00:43:54,371 --> 00:43:55,931 Elizabeth Gaskell. 911 00:43:55,931 --> 00:43:57,450 "I'll not listen to reason. 912 00:43:57,450 --> 00:44:00,130 "Reason always means what someone else has got to say." 913 00:44:00,130 --> 00:44:01,490 Goodnight.