1 00:00:24,560 --> 00:00:29,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:31,500 --> 00:00:34,540 Good evening and welcome to QI. 3 00:00:34,540 --> 00:00:38,550 Tonight, we're tiptoeing through our quiet episode. 4 00:00:38,550 --> 00:00:41,500 Pray silence for the tight-lipped Jimmy Carr... 5 00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:43,510 QUIET APPLAUSE 6 00:00:43,510 --> 00:00:44,590 ..the soundless Sara Pascoe... 7 00:00:44,590 --> 00:00:47,510 QUIET APPLAUSE 8 00:00:47,510 --> 00:00:48,580 ..the muffled Andrew Maxwell... 9 00:00:48,580 --> 00:00:50,550 QUIET APPLAUSE 10 00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:52,530 ..and the unspeakable Alan Davies! 11 00:00:52,530 --> 00:00:55,520 LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 12 00:00:58,550 --> 00:01:00,590 Their buzzers are all appropriately quiet. 13 00:01:00,590 --> 00:01:02,510 Jimmy goes... 14 00:01:02,510 --> 00:01:03,550 BUZZER:Quiet! 15 00:01:03,550 --> 00:01:04,580 Sara goes... 16 00:01:04,580 --> 00:01:06,520 BUZZER:QUIET! 17 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:07,540 Andrew goes... 18 00:01:07,540 --> 00:01:09,520 Will you be quiet! 19 00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:10,550 And Alan goes... 20 00:01:10,550 --> 00:01:12,500 BUZZER:Oh, do shut up. 21 00:01:12,500 --> 00:01:14,520 LAUGHTER 22 00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:17,550 That's very polite, wasn't it, really? "Oh, do shut up." 23 00:01:17,550 --> 00:01:21,500 Now, how long before a silence becomes awkward? 24 00:01:24,540 --> 00:01:25,590 SCATTERED LAUGHTER 25 00:01:25,590 --> 00:01:27,570 LAUGHTER 26 00:01:29,510 --> 00:01:30,580 SCATTERED LAUGHTER 27 00:01:30,580 --> 00:01:32,540 LAUGHTER 28 00:01:36,580 --> 00:01:39,520 OK, it's about now, I think. I think it's about now. 29 00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:41,580 So, they've... That could have been a whole hour! 30 00:01:41,580 --> 00:01:44,560 It was horrible, wasn't it? It is horrible.Ah, ga, ah, ah! 31 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,520 I think it's really awkward 32 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:48,550 when you can hear your own stomach gurgle. 33 00:01:48,550 --> 00:01:51,530 Especially if it's a gig.Yeah. 34 00:01:51,530 --> 00:01:53,560 That's always a sign, "Oh, this isn't going my way." 35 00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:55,530 Yeah. That's not a good sign! 36 00:01:55,530 --> 00:01:57,540 I think comedy's quite a lot like sex. 37 00:01:57,540 --> 00:01:59,540 If they haven't made a noise for a while, 38 00:01:59,540 --> 00:02:00,590 change what you're doing. 39 00:02:02,580 --> 00:02:04,580 APPLAUSE 40 00:02:08,530 --> 00:02:11,560 You could say that about parenting, as well, actually. 41 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:13,500 Yeah.Oh! 42 00:02:14,570 --> 00:02:18,510 2011, the University of Groningen, which is in Netherlands, 43 00:02:18,510 --> 00:02:20,530 discovered that a pause in conversation 44 00:02:20,530 --> 00:02:22,560 becomes awkward after four seconds.Oh. 45 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:25,520 And after that, people start to feel anxious, they feel rejected. 46 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:27,540 I don't know, I read a really interesting thing by, 47 00:02:27,540 --> 00:02:29,570 it's an American research company called the Love Lab, 48 00:02:29,570 --> 00:02:33,510 and they basically looked at thousands and thousands of couples over the years, 49 00:02:33,510 --> 00:02:35,510 and they came up with a theory on call response. 50 00:02:35,510 --> 00:02:37,590 If you're sort of having a silence with someone, with your partner, 51 00:02:37,590 --> 00:02:39,590 and you're looking at the paper and you go, "Oh." 52 00:02:39,590 --> 00:02:42,530 And they don't go, "What?" Then it takes... 53 00:02:42,530 --> 00:02:45,510 ..it takes, like, seven good things to make up for that one bad thing, 54 00:02:45,510 --> 00:02:47,500 cos people feel so rejected by that response. 55 00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:49,560 It's that, it's exactly that. It's about feeling rejected, 56 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:51,560 cos the reason that we like good conversation 57 00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:53,560 is it helps us feel good about ourselves. 58 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:55,500 We get dopamine, don't we? 59 00:02:55,500 --> 00:02:57,580 Like, teenage girls who stay on the phone for hours and hours 60 00:02:57,580 --> 00:02:59,580 have really, really high levels of dopamine, 61 00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:02,500 like they've, like, completed a PhD. 62 00:03:02,500 --> 00:03:06,510 I always think, like, as comedians, we're like drug dealers. 63 00:03:06,510 --> 00:03:10,590 But the drug we deal is endorphins, and you've already got them on you. 64 00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:12,570 We'll just help you release them. 65 00:03:12,570 --> 00:03:14,530 Do the Irish mind silence, darling? 66 00:03:14,530 --> 00:03:16,520 Well, it's never happened.No! 67 00:03:19,540 --> 00:03:21,560 We have yet to meet the awkward moment. 68 00:03:23,530 --> 00:03:26,500 I suppose after about four seconds of silence in Ireland, 69 00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:28,560 you'd bring in a wink, at least. Yeah. 70 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:34,580 Just to keep things moving along! Yeah, exactly! 71 00:03:34,580 --> 00:03:37,560 Or, "you know, yourself."Yeah. 72 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:39,580 And a bit of pointing maybe, you know. Oh, yeah.Yeah. 73 00:03:39,580 --> 00:03:41,590 There he is, over there. It's good, those phrases 74 00:03:41,590 --> 00:03:44,550 that kind of break the silence that don't really mean anything. 75 00:03:44,550 --> 00:03:46,580 Like, I've spent a lot of time in Ireland and it's always, 76 00:03:46,580 --> 00:03:48,590 "Fair play to you." Yeah. Doesn't mean anything. 77 00:03:48,590 --> 00:03:51,520 Well, it means fair play to you. 78 00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:54,560 I had a silent moment, me and an old Irishman. 79 00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:58,560 It was really raining hard outside and it was just me and him alone 80 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:01,550 and I tried to make conversation, 81 00:04:01,550 --> 00:04:04,560 I went, "It's good weather for ducks." 82 00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:07,580 And I was expecting him to go, "Oh, yeah, yeah, very good." 83 00:04:07,580 --> 00:04:11,530 He just looked back and went, "Bad weather for dust." 84 00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:16,580 APPLAUSE 85 00:04:19,590 --> 00:04:22,520 Some cultures have a different attitude. 86 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:25,510 So the Japanese have a concept, something called haragei, 87 00:04:25,510 --> 00:04:26,560 and basically it means belly talk. 88 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:29,520 And the idea is that you use a prolonged silence 89 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:30,590 in business negotiations. 90 00:04:30,590 --> 00:04:35,540 And they're content with an average silence of about 8.2 seconds, 91 00:04:35,540 --> 00:04:36,590 so twice as long as we are. 92 00:04:36,590 --> 00:04:39,560 So I think it's very much a cultural attitude to it. 93 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,550 Maybe that's why, especially in dating, 94 00:04:41,550 --> 00:04:43,550 you do feel the silence a lot, 95 00:04:43,550 --> 00:04:46,510 because usually the instinct is, he's awful. 96 00:04:47,550 --> 00:04:50,520 A couple of bottles of wine and two years later, there you are! 97 00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:52,590 Hey! "Let's buy a flat."Yeah. 98 00:04:52,590 --> 00:04:55,520 Well, isn't that the theory, when you look at someone, 99 00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:57,560 you either, you either want to kill them or you want to... 100 00:04:57,560 --> 00:04:59,580 Yeah, if you're looking someone directly in the eye, 101 00:04:59,580 --> 00:05:01,580 it's either kind of sexual or aggressive, 102 00:05:01,580 --> 00:05:03,510 after about three seconds. 103 00:05:03,510 --> 00:05:05,560 It's one or the other, you can't... Not both? 104 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,580 It's not neutral, Alan.Oh. 105 00:05:07,580 --> 00:05:09,530 That's sexual. 106 00:05:11,500 --> 00:05:12,540 APPLAUSE 107 00:05:13,570 --> 00:05:14,590 Damn it! Too easy. 108 00:05:16,510 --> 00:05:17,580 How about if I do it? 109 00:05:19,500 --> 00:05:21,540 Just aggressive. 110 00:05:21,540 --> 00:05:24,500 But does it count when you're on the other end of the phone 111 00:05:24,500 --> 00:05:26,510 and you're negotiating and you don't say anything, 112 00:05:26,510 --> 00:05:28,550 you put the phone down and walk away like they do in films? 113 00:05:28,550 --> 00:05:31,560 And they get back there and the person has tripled the offer. 114 00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:34,540 You can throw an argument in your favour. I had a friend of mine 115 00:05:34,540 --> 00:05:37,560 who did a lot of negotiating and he had a pronounced stutter 116 00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:39,590 and somebody would say, "I'd offer you 3,000." 117 00:05:39,590 --> 00:05:41,580 And he'd go, "F-F-F-F..." 118 00:05:41,580 --> 00:05:45,520 And they'd go, "OK, four." And he said, "I was going to say fine." 119 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:50,500 I've got a friend that whenever she changes jobs, 120 00:05:50,500 --> 00:05:52,510 they always come with the offer for the new job, 121 00:05:52,510 --> 00:05:54,560 and she says the trick is you don't read what the offer is. 122 00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:57,520 You just get the e-mail and you write back and you write, 123 00:05:57,520 --> 00:05:58,540 "I'm very disappointed." 124 00:05:58,540 --> 00:06:01,530 But you can't look at the offer because sometimes the offer 125 00:06:01,530 --> 00:06:04,570 is really generous, and they always come back with a better offer. 126 00:06:04,570 --> 00:06:07,590 That is the phrase I use with my children all the time. 127 00:06:07,590 --> 00:06:10,520 I go in the other room and laugh. 128 00:06:11,530 --> 00:06:13,530 But I was thinking about the dopamine thing 129 00:06:13,530 --> 00:06:16,510 that you said, you know, one of the things that we now know 130 00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:18,540 is that particularly talking about ourselves 131 00:06:18,540 --> 00:06:20,570 triggers these neural rewards in the brain. 132 00:06:20,570 --> 00:06:23,500 Talking about yourself? Talking about yourself. 133 00:06:23,500 --> 00:06:26,500 And the subjects who were in this study were even offered money, 134 00:06:26,500 --> 00:06:28,510 and they turned money down in order to carry on 135 00:06:28,510 --> 00:06:30,520 talking about themselves, and apparently, 136 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:33,570 they still felt good, even if they knew nobody was listening. 137 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:38,520 Well, what talking to yourself is like... 138 00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:40,580 Talking to yourself in the, commonly, in the bathroom. 139 00:06:40,580 --> 00:06:43,590 Sometimes my kids walk past and go, "Who are you talking to?" 140 00:06:43,590 --> 00:06:46,540 What do you talk about in the bathroom? 141 00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:47,570 How to get out. 142 00:06:50,540 --> 00:06:53,500 There you have it, scientists have found you can't even pay us 143 00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:55,500 to shut up about ourselves. 144 00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:58,580 What's the one sound you really can't ignore? 145 00:06:58,580 --> 00:07:01,530 Oh, babies crying. 146 00:07:01,530 --> 00:07:04,540 I think that is true for... I don't know, is it true for boys? 147 00:07:04,540 --> 00:07:06,540 I was going to say Wu-Tang Clan. 148 00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:09,550 What? What is that? 149 00:07:09,550 --> 00:07:12,500 Wu-Tang Clan Killa Beez On The Storm. 150 00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:13,530 No? 151 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:17,580 Wu-Tang Clan, you know. Method Man. RZA.RZA, Method Man. 152 00:07:17,580 --> 00:07:19,550 Ghostface Killah? 153 00:07:19,550 --> 00:07:21,560 You know Ghostface Killah, Sandi. 154 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:24,510 Keep going till we get to Gangnam Style. 155 00:07:26,550 --> 00:07:28,590 Gangnam Style, I knew I knew you from somewhere! 156 00:07:31,510 --> 00:07:34,590 I would say our fridge makes a noise if you leave the door open. 157 00:07:34,590 --> 00:07:38,570 I never hear the fridge until the noise stops. 158 00:07:38,570 --> 00:07:41,590 That sounds like a trailer for a horror film.Yeah. 159 00:07:41,590 --> 00:07:44,550 The Silence Of The Fridge. The fridge lands on your head!Yeah. 160 00:07:46,510 --> 00:07:47,520 Don't leave the door open. 161 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:49,500 Everything I own warns me all the time. 162 00:07:49,500 --> 00:07:52,540 I used to have a microwave, when it stopped it went, "ping." 163 00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:55,570 And now it goes "beep, beep, beep, beep, beep..." 164 00:07:55,570 --> 00:07:57,510 Is it reversing? 165 00:07:57,510 --> 00:07:58,550 "..beep beep beep." 166 00:07:58,550 --> 00:08:00,560 But it keeps reversing forever, 167 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:02,560 forever more, until there's a power cut. 168 00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:05,510 Do you think the people making white goods for your house 169 00:08:05,510 --> 00:08:06,580 have seen you on this show? 170 00:08:08,530 --> 00:08:10,580 My car bleeps, if I'm in reverse it bleeps 171 00:08:10,580 --> 00:08:12,580 and if I'm near something at the back it bleeps. 172 00:08:12,580 --> 00:08:15,540 It does a different bleep if I'm near something at the front. 173 00:08:15,540 --> 00:08:17,560 It's got three bleeps... Who's letting you drive?! 174 00:08:18,590 --> 00:08:21,500 And then, on top of that, my wife's next to me going, 175 00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:23,540 "This car's making too much noise!" Then all the kids go, 176 00:08:23,540 --> 00:08:25,500 "Oh, what's all this bleeping?" 177 00:08:25,500 --> 00:08:26,560 Can everyone shut up? Shut up! 178 00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:30,500 I can see the thing behind, I can see the thing in front! 179 00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:33,540 I know I'm in reverse, I put it there myself! 180 00:08:33,540 --> 00:08:35,560 APPLAUSE 181 00:08:43,540 --> 00:08:45,590 Sadly, on his 234th show... 182 00:08:47,530 --> 00:08:50,500 ..Alan Davies had a complete breakdown. 183 00:08:50,500 --> 00:08:53,520 Yeah, but the dopamine, I just had the dopamine. 184 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:55,530 Everyone heard you, yeah. 185 00:08:55,530 --> 00:08:58,560 Anyway, I wasn't talking about any of those things. 186 00:08:58,560 --> 00:09:01,520 Is it the sound iPads make on planes? 187 00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:05,520 Technically, we are talking about the one sound a child cannot ignore. 188 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:06,560 Oh, ice cream van. 189 00:09:07,570 --> 00:09:08,590 No.Oh. 190 00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:11,520 It's the sound of a woman's voice, is what we now know. 191 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:13,580 So children tend to sleep through fire alarms and so on, 192 00:09:13,580 --> 00:09:15,520 they tend to sleep through them. 193 00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:17,510 It's partly because they sleep more deeply. 194 00:09:17,510 --> 00:09:20,530 I read about this, so they were going to have a smoke alarm 195 00:09:20,530 --> 00:09:23,500 that had a voice coming out of it, if it was in a child's bedroom. 196 00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:24,540 Yes, absolutely right. 197 00:09:24,540 --> 00:09:27,520 There is a really strong response to a maternal voice, 198 00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:28,580 and that is why there is going to be 199 00:09:28,580 --> 00:09:31,500 a new kind of smoke alarm with a female voice. 200 00:09:31,500 --> 00:09:32,530 So they've been testing them. 201 00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:34,530 I don't know if this would do it for me, 202 00:09:34,530 --> 00:09:37,560 it was a woman's voice going, "Wake up, the house is on fire." 203 00:09:39,550 --> 00:09:41,540 No, you want a bit more urgency. 204 00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:43,530 I think that might be better than the alternate. 205 00:09:43,530 --> 00:09:45,590 My mother was an incredibly sweary woman, 206 00:09:45,590 --> 00:09:47,580 and I think if she'd recorded a fire alarm, 207 00:09:47,580 --> 00:09:49,530 it would have been just filth. 208 00:09:49,530 --> 00:09:52,510 It would have been like a pirate was doing it. 209 00:09:52,510 --> 00:09:55,500 Dundee University, working with Derbyshire Fire and Rescue, 210 00:09:55,500 --> 00:09:58,520 and they tested smoke alarms in 2017 on sleeping children, 211 00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:00,520 and it is astonishing, the difference. 212 00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:03,580 The woman's voice will wake your child up 86 to 91% of the time, 213 00:10:03,580 --> 00:10:05,580 whereas a tonal alarm, just over 50%. 214 00:10:05,580 --> 00:10:08,570 Apparently, incorporating your child's name into the recording 215 00:10:08,570 --> 00:10:11,520 makes no difference whatsoever. 216 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:14,520 You could call a little girl Frank and it wouldn't make any difference. 217 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:17,530 I think, if you use your child's name, that's when they ignore you. 218 00:10:17,530 --> 00:10:20,580 Yes, that is true. They hear their name and think, "Uh-oh."Yeah. 219 00:10:20,580 --> 00:10:23,580 Why that thing when they use your full name? 220 00:10:23,580 --> 00:10:26,530 If I was ever referred to as James, it would... 221 00:10:26,530 --> 00:10:28,560 "Oh, I'm in a lot of trouble now." Yes. 222 00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:30,510 What are your middle names? 223 00:10:30,510 --> 00:10:31,560 Anthony Patrick. 224 00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:34,540 And do they sometimes use the lot? And then you're really in the shit. 225 00:10:35,550 --> 00:10:37,540 ANDREW:I think that's called a judge, 226 00:10:37,540 --> 00:10:39,520 you're in court. 227 00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:42,500 APPLAUSE 228 00:10:46,590 --> 00:10:50,550 Getting sentenced... "James Anthony Patrick Carr." 229 00:10:50,550 --> 00:10:52,560 "You are a habitual criminal." 230 00:10:54,540 --> 00:10:56,590 "You have been caught once again." 231 00:10:56,590 --> 00:10:58,580 "No signs of remorse." 232 00:11:00,500 --> 00:11:02,510 So children can ignore these alarms 233 00:11:02,510 --> 00:11:05,570 but the ability to ignore noises is not unique to humans. 234 00:11:05,570 --> 00:11:10,500 So they have discovered that mice also have a noise-cancelling 235 00:11:10,500 --> 00:11:14,520 function in their brain. What noise might mice want to cancel out? 236 00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:18,500 Other mice.Well, sort of. heading in the right direction. 237 00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:20,540 Other mice having sex. 238 00:11:20,540 --> 00:11:22,550 Because they apparently do it all the time. 239 00:11:22,550 --> 00:11:23,580 Really, is it very loud? 240 00:11:23,580 --> 00:11:25,560 I have no idea of the volume. 241 00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:28,510 I'm not there, creepy, outside the nest. 242 00:11:28,510 --> 00:11:30,580 No, it's the sound of their own footsteps, 243 00:11:30,580 --> 00:11:33,510 because, imagine, it would be very annoying. 244 00:11:33,510 --> 00:11:36,580 I think you're thinking of the little mouse with clogs on. 245 00:11:38,530 --> 00:11:39,550 I think that's a nice sound. 246 00:11:39,550 --> 00:11:42,520 But if you're a mouse and you're really close to that sound, 247 00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:43,540 you can't hear predators 248 00:11:43,540 --> 00:11:45,570 so they actually cancel out the sound of their own... 249 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,580 Have you seen the new tinnitus app? 250 00:11:49,580 --> 00:11:54,540 Sorry?So if you have a ringing in your ears constantly, 251 00:11:54,540 --> 00:11:57,530 what it does, basically you listen to it and you get exactly 252 00:11:57,530 --> 00:11:59,540 the same ringing in your ears on the phone, 253 00:11:59,540 --> 00:12:02,550 and you listen to this thing, and you practice turning on and off 254 00:12:02,550 --> 00:12:05,520 the phone and eventually your brain learns to turn off 255 00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:06,570 the tinnitus in your own head. 256 00:12:06,570 --> 00:12:09,590 If that is true, that is the most brilliant thing.It's genius. 257 00:12:09,590 --> 00:12:13,520 There is a phenomenon where people can hear things which are not there 258 00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:15,520 and that is called musical ear syndrome 259 00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:17,560 and that's when you hear music that isn't there. 260 00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:19,590 It's thought it's the brain trying to compensate 261 00:12:19,590 --> 00:12:21,520 for sensory deprivation. 262 00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:23,560 Robert Schumann, the great German composer, 263 00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:26,530 he reportedly heard entire symphonies in his head 264 00:12:26,530 --> 00:12:28,550 from which he did originally draw inspiration 265 00:12:28,550 --> 00:12:31,520 but eventually he was released from his job as a conductor in 1851 266 00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:33,570 because he couldn't distinguish the music in his head 267 00:12:33,570 --> 00:12:36,560 and the music he was conducting, which if you're a conductor... 268 00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:37,590 ..not going to go as well... 269 00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:40,570 Isn't there a story about Paul McCartney and Yesterday, 270 00:12:40,570 --> 00:12:43,550 that he was humming Yesterday, it came to him in a dream, 271 00:12:43,550 --> 00:12:46,580 and he was humming it for three days going, "Who wrote this?" 272 00:12:46,580 --> 00:12:49,580 And it just came to him fully formed in a dream. 273 00:12:49,580 --> 00:12:50,590 Oh, my God. 274 00:12:50,590 --> 00:12:52,560 I was in a shop and I realised, 275 00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:55,500 and I wasn't sure how long I'd been doing it, 276 00:12:55,500 --> 00:12:58,520 that I was humming the theme tune to Jonathan Creek. 277 00:12:59,590 --> 00:13:02,540 Waiting to be recognised! 278 00:13:02,540 --> 00:13:05,550 What a way to draw attention to yourself!I know! 279 00:13:05,550 --> 00:13:08,580 How loud was the hum?Really loud. 280 00:13:08,580 --> 00:13:11,570 Schumann was quite mad by the end. 281 00:13:11,570 --> 00:13:14,510 He just heard one note, it was an A. 282 00:13:14,510 --> 00:13:17,500 A single, tortuous... He'd left the fridge open. 283 00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:22,520 Do you know, this is one of the things where people become human. 284 00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:25,560 Unfortunately, he did end up in what used to be called a lunatic asylum, 285 00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:27,580 and his wife, Clara, they had seven children. 286 00:13:27,580 --> 00:13:29,560 She got hold of their friend Brahms 287 00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:33,500 and Brahms used to go round and do childcare instead of composing. 288 00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:35,550 He did write a lot of lullabies, to be fair. 289 00:13:35,550 --> 00:13:38,550 Isn't that the thing with van Gogh and Paul Gauguin 290 00:13:38,550 --> 00:13:42,520 that van Gogh's really famous paintings of the sunflowers, 291 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:45,580 he painted them to do up the room for Paul to come and stay. 292 00:13:45,580 --> 00:13:49,500 He was in the pit of despair living in southern France 293 00:13:49,500 --> 00:13:51,510 and Paul Gauguin came to stay. 294 00:13:51,510 --> 00:13:52,580 My elves tell me it is entirely true 295 00:13:52,580 --> 00:13:54,590 so that's a very good fact, you get an extra point. 296 00:13:54,590 --> 00:13:56,590 APPLAUSE 297 00:13:58,570 --> 00:14:01,530 Sometimes our brains block out sound that is there 298 00:14:01,530 --> 00:14:03,540 and hear sound that isn't. 299 00:14:03,540 --> 00:14:04,580 Sorry, what was that? 300 00:14:04,580 --> 00:14:07,580 Oh, thank you very much, Alan. I picked it out myself. 301 00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:09,570 What's the most...? 302 00:14:09,570 --> 00:14:10,570 LAUGHTER 303 00:14:12,550 --> 00:14:16,510 What's the most dangerous thing to do in bed? 304 00:14:16,510 --> 00:14:17,560 ANDREW:Tell the truth. 305 00:14:18,570 --> 00:14:21,520 APPLAUSE 306 00:14:26,540 --> 00:14:28,510 Anybody else? 307 00:14:28,510 --> 00:14:29,540 Reverse cowgirl? 308 00:14:29,540 --> 00:14:31,500 KLAXON 309 00:14:32,550 --> 00:14:34,530 Really? Really? 310 00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:38,520 They had that locked and loaded? 311 00:14:39,550 --> 00:14:42,520 There was some suggestion you might say that, darling. 312 00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:44,540 Is it a particular favourite? 313 00:14:44,540 --> 00:14:46,500 Yeah, how did you know? 314 00:14:47,530 --> 00:14:48,550 So we're looking at the past, 315 00:14:48,550 --> 00:14:50,560 we're looking at particularly the Victorian era. 316 00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:53,540 So something that is dangerous to do in bed in the Victorian time. 317 00:14:53,540 --> 00:14:56,520 They would have had candles and things, to light themselves to bed. 318 00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:58,590 Yeah, exactly right. Gas lamps and things.Candles in particular. 319 00:14:58,590 --> 00:15:01,510 Oh, candles, yeah.Why would you take a candle to bed? 320 00:15:01,510 --> 00:15:03,510 To read?I suppose, reading in bed. To read, yeah. 321 00:15:03,510 --> 00:15:06,500 Reading, the silent killer. It was not thought to be a good thing at all, 322 00:15:06,500 --> 00:15:08,510 because it was burning as you drifted off.Yeah. 323 00:15:08,510 --> 00:15:12,540 There's a most fantastic summary of fires in London from 1833 to 1866. 324 00:15:12,540 --> 00:15:14,580 So in those days, all fires were dealt with 325 00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:16,570 by the fire insurance company. 326 00:15:16,570 --> 00:15:18,550 And they kept meticulous records. 327 00:15:18,550 --> 00:15:21,540 So, here's a quick snapshot of 19th century London life. 328 00:15:21,540 --> 00:15:24,520 "One death from a fire caused by a jackdaw." 329 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:27,500 No details provided, that's it. Don't know what that was. 330 00:15:27,500 --> 00:15:28,580 Another caused by a monkey. 331 00:15:28,580 --> 00:15:30,550 Two attributed to smoking in bed. 332 00:15:30,550 --> 00:15:32,590 Three to sewing in bed. Anybody? 333 00:15:32,590 --> 00:15:34,550 12 to lightning. 334 00:15:34,550 --> 00:15:37,550 But the figure that tops all of these is 34 lethal fires 335 00:15:37,550 --> 00:15:39,560 caused by reading in bed. 336 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:43,510 In fact, exactly equalled by the number of fires started by cats. 337 00:15:44,530 --> 00:15:49,550 Has anyone ever actually damaged their eyes reading by torchlight? 338 00:15:49,550 --> 00:15:51,580 I don't know because it used to be a thing. 339 00:15:51,580 --> 00:15:54,510 I was told that every night of my childhood. 340 00:15:54,510 --> 00:15:55,560 "You'll damage your eyes!" 341 00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:57,570 I think it's a myth, darling. Under the covers. 342 00:15:57,570 --> 00:16:00,550 I used to read with a torch as well and neither of us have glasses. 343 00:16:00,550 --> 00:16:02,500 Who's speaking now? 344 00:16:05,500 --> 00:16:06,580 It's your fire alarm. 345 00:16:08,500 --> 00:16:11,530 When I was at university, there were two students 346 00:16:11,530 --> 00:16:12,560 who wanted to go off grid. 347 00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:15,580 They wouldn't even wear shoes, for some inexplicable reason, 348 00:16:15,580 --> 00:16:18,580 and they wouldn't have electricity or gas or anything, 349 00:16:18,580 --> 00:16:22,510 and they'd use newspaper for loo paper, and candles, 350 00:16:22,510 --> 00:16:26,540 and they knocked a candle over in the toilet and burnt the house down. 351 00:16:26,540 --> 00:16:29,560 It's sad because it was a beautiful old house on the beach 352 00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:31,560 but it was funny. 353 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:36,520 Maybe it wasn't their fault, maybe it was spontaneous combustion. 354 00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:42,510 Or a jackdaw.1,255 fires attributed to spontaneous combustion. 355 00:16:42,510 --> 00:16:44,550 Used to be a thing that Victorians were terrified of. 356 00:16:44,550 --> 00:16:47,580 I was obsessed with that growing up, the idea that fat was like wax 357 00:16:47,580 --> 00:16:50,550 and the wick was inside and that's why it was so quick, 358 00:16:50,550 --> 00:16:52,580 but it's kind of stopped happening since the internet 359 00:16:52,580 --> 00:16:54,550 because there would be a video of it now. 360 00:16:54,550 --> 00:16:57,540 Someone with their phone would have gone, "Oh, Nana's burning." 361 00:17:00,550 --> 00:17:02,530 Various examples over the years, 362 00:17:02,530 --> 00:17:05,570 Lord Walsingham found burnt to a crisp in his bedroom in 1831 363 00:17:05,570 --> 00:17:08,540 but it is probably because he was reading in bed. 364 00:17:08,540 --> 00:17:10,530 Is this the bottom of him burnt? 365 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:11,590 That's it. 366 00:17:11,590 --> 00:17:15,500 Reading in particular for women was regarded as dangerous. 367 00:17:15,500 --> 00:17:19,500 Women reading in solitude, it gave them rebellious, fantastical ideas. 368 00:17:19,500 --> 00:17:20,560 It was novels, specifically. 369 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:23,520 There were very, very worried because novels were in 370 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,580 the third person and might make people too empathetic, 371 00:17:26,580 --> 00:17:29,560 and thus weaken the nation. 372 00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:32,540 Another common hazard in the 1800s, of course, Christmas trees. 373 00:17:32,540 --> 00:17:34,520 Now, I dispute this. In those days, 374 00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:36,540 Christmas trees were lit with real candles.Yeah. 375 00:17:36,540 --> 00:17:38,560 Now, I am Danish. For the last 60 years, 376 00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:40,550 I have had Christmas lit with real candles, 377 00:17:40,550 --> 00:17:42,520 and so far, not a flicker of a fire. 378 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,580 Just don't set the tree on fire, it's not complicated. 379 00:17:44,580 --> 00:17:48,520 But apparently, it was so great a risk in this country 380 00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:50,520 that insurance companies wouldn't... 381 00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:52,500 So you've got the candles on the tree? 382 00:17:52,500 --> 00:17:54,580 Special candle holders that hook onto the branch like that.Yeah. 383 00:17:54,580 --> 00:17:57,520 And you just make sure, when you put the candle on, 384 00:17:57,520 --> 00:18:00,520 that there isn't a branch directly above, that is the key to it. 385 00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:03,530 Honestly, I've never known this to happen, 386 00:18:03,530 --> 00:18:05,570 but insurance companies refuse to insure people 387 00:18:05,570 --> 00:18:07,540 against this particular thing. 388 00:18:07,540 --> 00:18:09,520 And in fact, there was a spate of patents 389 00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:12,500 for self-extinguishing Christmas trees, for a while. 390 00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:14,520 There was an American called Leonard Deyo, 391 00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:16,530 he filed a patent in 1947, and it had a hose 392 00:18:16,530 --> 00:18:19,520 that ran up the trunk and had a sprinkler system 393 00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:22,540 on the top of the tree, that you could use to prevent this. 394 00:18:22,540 --> 00:18:25,590 I think, as long as you remember to take the jackdaw out at night... 395 00:18:25,590 --> 00:18:28,500 Yeah! 396 00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:31,520 Perhaps the lack of a jackdaw is why we've been so successful so far. 397 00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:35,510 Has anyone ever done a poem about jackdaws and back doors? 398 00:18:35,510 --> 00:18:38,520 Cos if they haven't, I'm going to do one before the end of the show. 399 00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:41,530 Yeah, you write... It sounds so like a back door. 400 00:18:41,530 --> 00:18:44,540 You're right, the jackdaw and the back door does sound like some kind of... 401 00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:46,500 They go together.Yes, they do. 402 00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:48,590 Right, you do that, we'll do the next question on our own. 403 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:52,570 Jackdaw, back door, 404 00:18:52,570 --> 00:18:54,580 lack more, smack whore. 405 00:18:54,580 --> 00:18:56,540 That's where I've got to. 406 00:18:57,540 --> 00:18:59,560 What's the...?Seashore, seashore... 407 00:19:02,500 --> 00:19:03,520 Crack whore. 408 00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:05,560 I'm thinking... Crack whore is what I'm thinking, isn't it? 409 00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:07,500 Yeah. What about be poor? 410 00:19:07,500 --> 00:19:09,500 Be...no, be poor? No, it's got to be... 411 00:19:09,500 --> 00:19:10,540 Why am I joining in? 412 00:19:14,580 --> 00:19:18,500 She sells sea shells 413 00:19:18,500 --> 00:19:19,570 down by the crack whore. 414 00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:23,550 Here comes a jackdaw flying in the back door. 415 00:19:25,550 --> 00:19:26,580 You carry on, darling. 416 00:19:28,510 --> 00:19:31,500 I've never been happier. Dopamine, dopamine. Dopamine, dopamine. 417 00:19:31,500 --> 00:19:32,590 Hacksaw. 418 00:19:32,590 --> 00:19:34,510 Oh! 419 00:19:36,510 --> 00:19:38,530 APPLAUSE 420 00:19:38,530 --> 00:19:40,540 Oh, my goodness! 421 00:19:40,540 --> 00:19:42,570 Hang on, I'm looking at Jimmy. Tax law. 422 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:45,570 APPLAUSE 423 00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:51,560 You're very good at this! 424 00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:54,540 In all fairness, I don't pay tax either, but I don't get caught. 425 00:19:55,580 --> 00:19:56,590 Right. Erm... 426 00:19:58,550 --> 00:20:03,500 What would you hear at the most peaceful place in Britain? 427 00:20:03,500 --> 00:20:04,550 SARA:I reckon dogging. 428 00:20:05,580 --> 00:20:08,560 They, honestly, they're ruin... they're ruining the countryside. 429 00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:10,520 We've got rights! 430 00:20:13,540 --> 00:20:15,500 You've also got houses. 431 00:20:16,580 --> 00:20:18,580 ANDREW:I think the answer is builders. 432 00:20:18,580 --> 00:20:21,500 Builders?Builders. Cos that's what happens. 433 00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:23,500 In all the most beautiful places in the land, 434 00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:24,550 all you can hear is builders. 435 00:20:24,550 --> 00:20:26,510 Well, that is not the case, 436 00:20:26,510 --> 00:20:28,560 because we are looking at the most peaceful spot in Britain. 437 00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:31,550 It's been officially declared, the Campaign to Protect Rural England. 438 00:20:31,550 --> 00:20:34,520 It is a region of Northumberland National Park. 439 00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,560 It's been left alone since 1911. 440 00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:39,580 23% of this national park 441 00:20:39,580 --> 00:20:43,580 is owned by the MOD and is used for military training. 442 00:20:43,580 --> 00:20:46,580 So, remarkably quiet, unless a tank is going past. 443 00:20:48,500 --> 00:20:50,550 Yeah, or they're firing things at you. 444 00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:53,560 There's one of them down in Lulworth Cove in Dorset, 445 00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:55,540 where there's a tank firing range. 446 00:20:55,540 --> 00:20:58,560 And there's massive traffic signs that just say, 447 00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:00,590 "Warning, sudden gunfire." 448 00:21:02,580 --> 00:21:05,510 I mean, I don't know about how the rest of you live, 449 00:21:05,510 --> 00:21:07,510 but all gunfire is sudden for me. 450 00:21:07,510 --> 00:21:08,580 Yes. 451 00:21:08,580 --> 00:21:11,510 I always wonder, with that sign that's a triangle 452 00:21:11,510 --> 00:21:13,560 with falling rocks, and it just says "Falling Rocks." Yeah. 453 00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:16,590 That might as well just say, "Be lucky." Yeah! 454 00:21:18,500 --> 00:21:20,510 While you're driving along doing that... 455 00:21:20,510 --> 00:21:22,500 ..that's when you hit things, isn't it? 456 00:21:22,500 --> 00:21:24,580 SARA:You'll get little beeps just as they come just above your car. 457 00:21:24,580 --> 00:21:27,550 There won't be a beep, that's the annoying thing!There's no beep? 458 00:21:27,550 --> 00:21:30,500 There'll be no beep from that. You've got a beeper up there. 459 00:21:30,500 --> 00:21:31,520 There won't be a roof beep! 460 00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:33,590 ANDREW:Does anybody else, when you go through one of those, 461 00:21:33,590 --> 00:21:36,580 you know, the height inhibitor into a certain car park, 462 00:21:36,580 --> 00:21:39,540 you're in a car and you know you're going to fit into it, 463 00:21:39,540 --> 00:21:41,560 but do you...?Yeah. 464 00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:43,550 You know, I'll tell you what my one is. 465 00:21:43,550 --> 00:21:45,560 I'll be driving along on the motorway, 466 00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:47,540 and there'll be fog 467 00:21:47,540 --> 00:21:49,540 and I'll drive like that. 468 00:21:49,540 --> 00:21:51,580 Just in case the fog is in the car. 469 00:21:53,580 --> 00:21:55,540 There's a big sign saying, "Fog". 470 00:21:55,540 --> 00:21:57,550 If you can see it, it's not that bad, is it? 471 00:21:59,510 --> 00:22:00,560 Other quiet options, 472 00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:03,550 does anybody what Teesside Airport train station is near? 473 00:22:03,550 --> 00:22:04,590 What it's near? 474 00:22:04,590 --> 00:22:07,580 Well, this is the thing, it is not anywhere near Teesside Airport, 475 00:22:07,580 --> 00:22:11,520 for two reasons. One is it's a mile away from the airport. 476 00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:13,560 And the other thing is the airport has been renamed 477 00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:15,510 Durham Tees Valley Airport. 478 00:22:15,510 --> 00:22:19,560 There's one train a week. It's on a Sunday, 14:56. 479 00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:21,570 It is one of our ghost stations. 480 00:22:21,570 --> 00:22:25,500 Those stairs just go up and up... 481 00:22:25,500 --> 00:22:29,540 So they announced in December 2017 that the footbridge would be closed, 482 00:22:29,540 --> 00:22:33,500 and apparently it would save �6 million if they did so 483 00:22:33,500 --> 00:22:36,500 until 2022, because that's how much it costs to maintain it, 484 00:22:36,500 --> 00:22:38,540 and in fact most of the tickets that are bought 485 00:22:38,540 --> 00:22:41,520 to Teesside Airport Station are purely bought by collectors 486 00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:42,590 because there's no point in going there 487 00:22:42,590 --> 00:22:46,540 and now they've closed the footbridge as well. 488 00:22:46,540 --> 00:22:49,530 There are quite a few of these ghost stations. 489 00:22:49,530 --> 00:22:51,590 There's the Leeds-Snaith line. 490 00:22:51,590 --> 00:22:53,580 Monday to Saturday, there is one train a day. 491 00:22:53,580 --> 00:22:56,590 Apparently, it is easier to maintain a minimal service 492 00:22:56,590 --> 00:22:59,550 than go to the expense of closing down an entire line. 493 00:22:59,550 --> 00:23:03,500 This is going to be a godsend to doggers who have lost their licence. 494 00:23:03,500 --> 00:23:06,540 You've just given them a whole new option. 495 00:23:06,540 --> 00:23:10,530 They think the reason they keep it is people would be upset 496 00:23:10,530 --> 00:23:13,500 if it was closed, which I love as a British reason. 497 00:23:13,500 --> 00:23:16,500 I'd be upset and I've only just heard that it existed. 498 00:23:16,500 --> 00:23:18,580 If you're in the United States and you wanted complete quiet, 499 00:23:18,580 --> 00:23:21,560 you go to a place called the National Radio Quiet Zone, 500 00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:23,510 it's in West Virginia. 501 00:23:23,510 --> 00:23:25,540 It's a 13,000 square mile patch of land 502 00:23:25,540 --> 00:23:28,540 where all electromagnetic radiation is banned 503 00:23:28,540 --> 00:23:32,550 and it's because it's where the National Radio Astronomy Observatory 504 00:23:32,550 --> 00:23:34,590 is and they don't want any interference with it. 505 00:23:34,590 --> 00:23:37,560 All the vehicles that they use around the area are relics 506 00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:40,520 from the 1950s or '60s, or trucks with diesel engines, 507 00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:42,560 because the spark plug in a modern petrol engine 508 00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:44,500 might cause some interference. 509 00:23:44,500 --> 00:23:46,530 Microwave ovens are kept in special metal cages, 510 00:23:46,530 --> 00:23:49,590 people use phone booths in place of mobile phones. 511 00:23:49,590 --> 00:23:52,560 It's like a real glimpse into America's future. 512 00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:57,550 Who here likes total silence and who finds it disconcerting? 513 00:23:57,550 --> 00:24:01,540 I had a situation where I was flying back from Portugal 514 00:24:01,540 --> 00:24:03,580 on quite a well-known bargain airline. 515 00:24:03,580 --> 00:24:06,580 And then I had to go straight off to do some work, 516 00:24:06,580 --> 00:24:10,500 so I wanted to sleep on the, almost three hours on the plane. 517 00:24:10,500 --> 00:24:13,540 And the other side of the aisle seat there was a Portuguese lady 518 00:24:13,540 --> 00:24:16,580 and her two/three-year-old son who had an iPad, 519 00:24:16,580 --> 00:24:18,580 and the iPad was on and it was going, 520 00:24:18,580 --> 00:24:22,570 "BING, BONG, BING, DING, BONG, BONG, BONG, DING, DING, DING!" 521 00:24:22,570 --> 00:24:24,550 I love that game. 522 00:24:26,510 --> 00:24:28,560 Sounds like he was doing pretty well. 523 00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:32,540 That's actually one of the Wu-Tang Clan's most famous songs. 524 00:24:33,580 --> 00:24:35,570 I had a brand-new set of headphones 525 00:24:35,570 --> 00:24:39,500 but I couldn't converse with this lady, so I went to the crew, 526 00:24:39,500 --> 00:24:43,540 who were also Portuguese, at the back, and I went, "I've got these headphones, 527 00:24:43,540 --> 00:24:47,510 "I really need sleep and I'm very happy, he can keep the headphones. 528 00:24:47,510 --> 00:24:51,500 "Totally understand, I'm a parent myself, keeping kids distracted, 529 00:24:51,500 --> 00:24:53,580 "but I really need sleep." He went, "No problem, no problem." 530 00:24:53,580 --> 00:24:59,500 He goes down there and he snatches the iPad off her and goes, 531 00:24:59,500 --> 00:25:03,500 "No! No! No!" 532 00:25:03,500 --> 00:25:06,560 And then he takes the iPad and he bonks over the head with it... 533 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:08,540 Oh, my goodness! 534 00:25:08,540 --> 00:25:12,590 Then he turns around to me, he went, "Enjoy your flight." 535 00:25:12,590 --> 00:25:15,560 APPLAUSE 536 00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:22,580 And then a lovely three hours' sleep. 537 00:25:22,580 --> 00:25:26,540 I was just trying to sleep while there was a lady and a child crying. 538 00:25:26,540 --> 00:25:30,590 Wow, that's one way of dealing with it, isn't it? 539 00:25:30,590 --> 00:25:33,570 Now, how do you quell a carnivorous plant? 540 00:25:33,570 --> 00:25:36,560 By quell, so do you mean sate it or stop it wanting? 541 00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:39,520 Stop it...well, stop it being able to actually function. 542 00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:40,560 So let's have a quick look.Oh, OK. 543 00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:42,560 Let's have a look at a Venus flytrap, OK? 544 00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:45,550 So you know the theory behind the Venus flytrap is...Fly away! 545 00:25:45,550 --> 00:25:47,580 Fly! Run for your life! 546 00:25:47,580 --> 00:25:49,570 Fly! 547 00:25:49,570 --> 00:25:51,570 Have a look at a video of it actually functioning, 548 00:25:51,570 --> 00:25:54,520 cos it is the most extraordinary thing.Yeah, it's amazing. 549 00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:55,560 So watch it just closing up now. 550 00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:57,540 So there is the fly. 551 00:25:57,540 --> 00:25:58,550 Oh... 552 00:25:58,550 --> 00:26:00,520 I mean, that's creepy, right?Yeah. 553 00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:02,510 But if you wanted to make it stop working, 554 00:26:02,510 --> 00:26:04,550 you would anaesthetise it, exactly as you do human beings. 555 00:26:04,550 --> 00:26:06,520 So you can gas them with ether, 556 00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:08,540 you can swab the roots with lidocaine. 557 00:26:08,540 --> 00:26:10,580 And what'll happen is, it'll just stop working. 558 00:26:10,580 --> 00:26:13,540 The fly will land there, but the thing won't close down. 559 00:26:13,540 --> 00:26:16,530 And it is found that the electrical impulses in the plant 560 00:26:16,530 --> 00:26:18,520 have temporarily dropped to zero. 561 00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:21,550 It is exactly the same effect as what happens to us. 562 00:26:21,550 --> 00:26:23,540 So a plant would be exactly the same reaction 563 00:26:23,540 --> 00:26:26,540 to an anaesthetic as a human? Yes, exactly. 564 00:26:26,540 --> 00:26:28,510 I find that stuff extraordinary. 565 00:26:28,510 --> 00:26:30,550 You know this fentanyl stuff that's 1,000 times 566 00:26:30,550 --> 00:26:32,550 more powerful than heroin as an opiate, 567 00:26:32,550 --> 00:26:34,550 and drug dealers are selling fentanyl 568 00:26:34,550 --> 00:26:37,580 but they're having to cut it with heroin to take the edge off. 569 00:26:39,540 --> 00:26:43,500 It's like trying to defuse a bomb by flying a plane into it. It's mad. 570 00:26:43,500 --> 00:26:45,510 Carfentanyl is even stronger. 571 00:26:45,510 --> 00:26:48,540 This is my own personal brand of fentanyl. 572 00:26:50,590 --> 00:26:54,510 It's really good, you don't pay VAT on it. 573 00:26:56,540 --> 00:26:58,510 APPLAUSE 574 00:27:01,500 --> 00:27:04,520 Whether you're a cop or ambulance personnel, 575 00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:07,560 when they pick up somebody who's OD'd from carfentanyl, 576 00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:10,580 they've got to wear extra-thick gloves because if you just touch 577 00:27:10,580 --> 00:27:13,500 skin to skin, you'll OD. Through your skin? 578 00:27:13,500 --> 00:27:14,540 So why does anyone take it? 579 00:27:14,540 --> 00:27:16,530 I think it's very moreish. 580 00:27:17,590 --> 00:27:21,570 We don't entirely know how anaesthetics actually work. 581 00:27:21,570 --> 00:27:24,530 We do know that something like lidocaine works by stopping 582 00:27:24,530 --> 00:27:26,530 local neurons signalling to the human brain, 583 00:27:26,530 --> 00:27:28,530 but it also seems to work on plants. 584 00:27:28,530 --> 00:27:31,570 And the truth is, we don't really know how anaesthetics work. 585 00:27:31,570 --> 00:27:32,590 Can I just show you something 586 00:27:32,590 --> 00:27:34,590 which I hadn't seen before, but maybe you have? 587 00:27:34,590 --> 00:27:36,580 I'd never seen a Venus flytrap in flower, 588 00:27:36,580 --> 00:27:38,560 and actually, they're rather beautiful, 589 00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:41,530 cos you only ever see it when it's looking sort of slightly vicious. 590 00:27:41,530 --> 00:27:43,510 But isn't it rather lovely? ANDREW:Wow. 591 00:27:43,510 --> 00:27:44,560 That's...terrifying. 592 00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:46,520 I think it's rather beautiful. 593 00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:48,520 They gassed all sorts of other plants, as well. 594 00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:50,560 The effect is the same, they all just went straight to sleep. 595 00:27:50,560 --> 00:27:52,550 Has anyone asked why they're up to this? 596 00:27:52,550 --> 00:27:54,560 They're trying to work out how anaesthetics work. 597 00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:57,510 It wasn't like a group of flies got together...No, it wasn't! 598 00:27:57,510 --> 00:27:59,500 "Something's got to be done about this, flies!" 599 00:27:59,500 --> 00:28:00,550 "We should shut them down!"Yeah. 600 00:28:00,550 --> 00:28:03,540 One of the interesting things that they found out really recently 601 00:28:03,540 --> 00:28:06,500 about pain and the brain is that if you think about colours, 602 00:28:06,500 --> 00:28:08,510 it distracts your brain from the part of your brain 603 00:28:08,510 --> 00:28:10,510 that's getting the messages about being in pain. 604 00:28:10,510 --> 00:28:12,560 So something quite good, if you don't have any pain relief, 605 00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:14,590 if you think about colours, one at a time.Yeah. 606 00:28:14,590 --> 00:28:17,530 People with hypermobility, so double-jointed people, 607 00:28:17,530 --> 00:28:20,520 appear to be resistant to sort of topical creams 608 00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:22,540 and to being injected by local anaesthetics. 609 00:28:22,540 --> 00:28:23,560 AUDIENCE:Oh! 610 00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:26,500 I know, that's quite strange, isn't it? 611 00:28:26,500 --> 00:28:28,520 Three times more likely, a hypermobile person, 612 00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:31,500 to report that a local anaesthetic is not effective.Not working. 613 00:28:31,500 --> 00:28:33,590 I know you're still talking, but I can't stop looking at that. 614 00:28:33,590 --> 00:28:37,540 I'm aware you're speaking, but who cares? Wow! 615 00:28:37,540 --> 00:28:39,580 He does these amazing YouTube yoga tutorials. 616 00:28:41,500 --> 00:28:43,530 I can't help feeling, I mean, I know it's just a story, 617 00:28:43,530 --> 00:28:46,510 but I think a radioactive spider's been involved there. 618 00:28:47,570 --> 00:28:50,520 In general, whether you're animal or vegetable, 619 00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:52,500 anaesthetic will put you to sleep. 620 00:28:52,500 --> 00:28:54,520 Now, who would use a Quaker gun? 621 00:28:55,530 --> 00:28:58,500 Well, not a Quaker. They're famously pacifists. 622 00:28:58,500 --> 00:29:01,530 They are famously pacifists, and so is the gun. 623 00:29:01,530 --> 00:29:03,530 It's to scare something away, then? 624 00:29:03,530 --> 00:29:05,520 Yeah, look at that gun. Rather than hit them. 625 00:29:05,520 --> 00:29:09,510 It's just a log, painted to look like a gun.Oh.Oh. 626 00:29:09,510 --> 00:29:11,590 Oh, it's like someone has it in the jacket, has the gun in the jacket 627 00:29:11,590 --> 00:29:14,570 and they go, "Yeah, I've got a gun." Yeah.Yeah. "Have you got a gun?" 628 00:29:14,570 --> 00:29:17,540 So during the American Revolutionary War, for example, in 1780, 629 00:29:17,540 --> 00:29:19,580 there was a Colonel William Washington and he managed 630 00:29:19,580 --> 00:29:22,530 to convince a loyalist commander and 120 of his followers to 631 00:29:22,530 --> 00:29:27,510 surrender from their barricaded barn by pointing a painted log at them. 632 00:29:27,510 --> 00:29:29,510 Just a pine log. 633 00:29:29,510 --> 00:29:31,550 That must be a terrible way... Yes, you must feel awful. 634 00:29:31,550 --> 00:29:32,570 ..to lose a battle.Yeah. 635 00:29:32,570 --> 00:29:34,590 "Oh, they didn't have a gun after all. Aah!" 636 00:29:34,590 --> 00:29:37,580 Ah, just killed...killed off by the Arts and Crafts army. 637 00:29:38,580 --> 00:29:41,530 But the Americans did it as well in the Second World War. 638 00:29:41,530 --> 00:29:43,570 So the Mitchell B25 bomber did not have any guns at the rear, 639 00:29:43,570 --> 00:29:46,570 so they just painted some broomstick handles and stuck them out the back, 640 00:29:46,570 --> 00:29:49,530 so that the Japanese thought, "I'd better not come from behind, 641 00:29:49,530 --> 00:29:52,500 "because they've got guns at the back."We did the same thing here. 642 00:29:52,500 --> 00:29:54,550 We had inflatable tanks all along the south coast. That's right. 643 00:29:54,550 --> 00:29:57,510 The Allies had inflatable tanks and they used them in North Africa 644 00:29:57,510 --> 00:29:59,590 to confuse the Nazis.I don't know that they were inflatable, darling. 645 00:29:59,590 --> 00:30:02,580 No, no, they were literally, they were like...Like a bouncy castle? 646 00:30:02,580 --> 00:30:06,540 Yes, yeah! And to show that they had a sense of humour about it, too, 647 00:30:06,540 --> 00:30:08,560 the Germans dropped wooden bombs on them. 648 00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:12,510 Well, I knew that we had fake stuff, 649 00:30:12,510 --> 00:30:14,540 but I did not know that it was made... I mean, like a... 650 00:30:14,540 --> 00:30:16,550 Honestly, like you just...? SHE PUFFS 651 00:30:16,550 --> 00:30:17,580 Yeah. Like a girlfriend. 652 00:30:21,550 --> 00:30:23,570 I think, darling, that they were made of canvas, 653 00:30:23,570 --> 00:30:25,500 if I'm honest with you. 654 00:30:25,500 --> 00:30:28,540 Still pretty funny for a Nazi to send, like, a wooden bomb back. 655 00:30:28,540 --> 00:30:31,510 GERMAN ACCENT:"Just there back at the base, just carving away, 656 00:30:31,510 --> 00:30:33,520 "This is going to be funny." 657 00:30:35,510 --> 00:30:37,510 Don't do that accent with that haircut. 658 00:30:38,580 --> 00:30:40,560 APPLAUSE 659 00:30:41,580 --> 00:30:44,560 It's not... Not a good... 660 00:30:44,560 --> 00:30:47,510 Either one. Either one is fine. 661 00:30:47,510 --> 00:30:49,560 But when you combine them, I feel it's dangerous. 662 00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:53,560 Anybody ever been to a Quaker meeting?Yes. 663 00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:55,560 Did you go to a silent one? 664 00:30:55,560 --> 00:30:58,590 Yes. Waterford in Ireland is the Quaker capital of Ireland. 665 00:30:58,590 --> 00:31:00,530 Everybody is just silent 666 00:31:00,530 --> 00:31:02,580 until somebody gets taken by the Holy Spirit 667 00:31:02,580 --> 00:31:07,540 and then they stand up and offer up a prayer, and that's it for an hour. 668 00:31:07,540 --> 00:31:09,590 There's no hymns, there's nothing else. 669 00:31:09,590 --> 00:31:11,590 The thing I've discovered, which I didn't know, 670 00:31:11,590 --> 00:31:14,500 because I thought all Quaker meetings were silent, 671 00:31:14,500 --> 00:31:15,570 is it's only 11% now of Quaker worship. 672 00:31:15,570 --> 00:31:18,570 There's an awful lot of people going to what's called "programmed". 673 00:31:18,570 --> 00:31:21,520 I love the silent, unprogrammed worship. I have to say, 674 00:31:21,520 --> 00:31:23,580 not as much as a group of young Quakers in Nottingham. 675 00:31:23,580 --> 00:31:28,510 In February 2018, they released, it was a big hit, a silent podcast. 676 00:31:28,510 --> 00:31:31,510 They broadcast an entire 30-minute meeting for worship, 677 00:31:31,510 --> 00:31:34,590 and it just featured audible shuffles, creaking chairs 678 00:31:34,590 --> 00:31:37,590 and the turning of a Quaker Advice & Queries pages. That's it. 679 00:31:37,590 --> 00:31:40,570 I could have just taped one of my audiences. 680 00:31:42,580 --> 00:31:45,520 And now it's time to whisper our way 681 00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:49,500 through the calming quietude of General Ignorance. 682 00:31:49,500 --> 00:31:51,500 How good are you at multitasking? 683 00:31:51,500 --> 00:31:52,560 Excellent. 684 00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:54,540 KLAXON BLARES Excellent? 685 00:31:54,540 --> 00:31:56,570 OK. 686 00:31:56,570 --> 00:31:58,580 Here we go. Oh, I see.Yeah. 687 00:31:58,580 --> 00:32:00,590 I didn't know I was going to be tested on it. 688 00:32:00,590 --> 00:32:03,580 You just volunteered yourself, OK? 689 00:32:03,580 --> 00:32:05,580 So I want you to take this stack from here 690 00:32:05,580 --> 00:32:07,580 and recreate it exactly the same on this one, 691 00:32:07,580 --> 00:32:10,520 and you have to move them one at a time, OK?Oh, great. 692 00:32:10,520 --> 00:32:11,540 But while you're doing it, 693 00:32:11,540 --> 00:32:13,530 I want you to recite the alphabet backwards. 694 00:32:13,530 --> 00:32:14,540 Ooh! 695 00:32:14,540 --> 00:32:16,570 Well, I can't do that anyway. 696 00:32:16,570 --> 00:32:17,580 Ah. 697 00:32:17,580 --> 00:32:20,510 I mean, I don't think I can do it forwards, like. 698 00:32:20,510 --> 00:32:21,570 A, B... 699 00:32:21,570 --> 00:32:24,580 No, no, so you don't understand how the game functions. Um... 700 00:32:25,590 --> 00:32:28,530 Are we going to find out that Andrew's a toddler? 701 00:32:29,580 --> 00:32:32,560 Just took them off and put them on the counter! 702 00:32:32,560 --> 00:32:34,550 And said, "A, B..." 703 00:32:34,550 --> 00:32:36,590 A, B, C...It's not backwards, though, is it? No, no, no! 704 00:32:36,590 --> 00:32:38,510 I can't do it backwards. 705 00:32:38,510 --> 00:32:40,510 No, Z! Z!Backwards, Z. 706 00:32:40,510 --> 00:32:42,580 And put them on the middle one! No, no.Andrew, Andrew, Andrew... 707 00:32:42,580 --> 00:32:44,560 ANDREW:All right, OK. Listen to me.Righto. 708 00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:46,540 Start again, move the whole thing that way. 709 00:32:46,540 --> 00:32:48,550 This is more annoying than my microwave! 710 00:32:49,580 --> 00:32:51,530 OK, here we go again. 711 00:32:51,530 --> 00:32:53,510 Z, Y... 712 00:32:53,510 --> 00:32:55,510 Keep them on the post. Go backwards. ..X... 713 00:32:55,510 --> 00:32:57,570 Move them one at a time. No! Middle one. 714 00:32:57,570 --> 00:32:59,580 What's wrong with this one? No, don't help him! 715 00:32:59,580 --> 00:33:01,500 I love this, cos as I said... 716 00:33:01,500 --> 00:33:05,540 Z, Y, X, W... 717 00:33:09,500 --> 00:33:10,570 ..V... 718 00:33:10,570 --> 00:33:11,590 AUDIENCE: U! U! 719 00:33:11,590 --> 00:33:13,590 OK, you're not supposed to get any help.U. 720 00:33:13,590 --> 00:33:15,560 Don't pretend you can do this. 721 00:33:15,560 --> 00:33:16,590 So why did you say...? 722 00:33:16,590 --> 00:33:19,560 Why did you say that you are good at multitasking? 723 00:33:19,560 --> 00:33:21,530 I'm a man and I like to brag. 724 00:33:23,500 --> 00:33:25,560 What they found is, doing tests at Stamford University, 725 00:33:25,560 --> 00:33:28,590 people who consider themselves to be good at multitasking 726 00:33:28,590 --> 00:33:32,500 actually do worse at performing multiple tasks 727 00:33:32,500 --> 00:33:35,510 than people who preferred to focus on things one at a time. 728 00:33:35,510 --> 00:33:36,580 It's one of those strange things. 729 00:33:36,580 --> 00:33:39,530 But anybody else think they would be better at it? 730 00:33:39,530 --> 00:33:41,500 I mean, than THAT, yeah.Go. 731 00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:43,580 The fact is that what we now know 732 00:33:43,580 --> 00:33:46,500 is that the brain is pretty much incapable of focusing 733 00:33:46,500 --> 00:33:47,570 on more than one thing at a time... Yeah. 734 00:33:47,570 --> 00:33:49,520 ..if it requires a level of thought. 735 00:33:49,520 --> 00:33:51,580 I mean, walking, you can do and do something else at the same time. 736 00:33:51,580 --> 00:33:53,540 But the task that... But that's the... 737 00:33:53,540 --> 00:33:55,580 I did a course years ago in neuro-linguistic programming, 738 00:33:55,580 --> 00:33:57,540 and the idea was that your conscious mind 739 00:33:57,540 --> 00:34:00,510 can hold, like, five things in it. Mm.So if you think about, 740 00:34:00,510 --> 00:34:03,500 "How do my feet feel at the moment in these shoes? How's my breathing?" 741 00:34:03,500 --> 00:34:05,560 And you think about "What I'm having for dinner this evening," 742 00:34:05,560 --> 00:34:07,500 and then the first thing's gone - 743 00:34:07,500 --> 00:34:09,540 you can't remember how your feet feel in the shoes, 744 00:34:09,540 --> 00:34:11,530 cos your conscious mind doesn't do that much. 745 00:34:11,530 --> 00:34:14,500 But your subconscious mind... Doing two things at the same time... 746 00:34:14,500 --> 00:34:16,570 Automatic things, yeah...if it's done by your subconscious mind, 747 00:34:16,570 --> 00:34:19,550 then yes.Yeah. If it's breathing and walking.It depends what it is. 748 00:34:19,550 --> 00:34:21,520 So singing, which is an auditory process, 749 00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:22,590 is easy to combine with riding a bicycle, 750 00:34:22,590 --> 00:34:24,530 because that is a motor process. 751 00:34:24,530 --> 00:34:26,540 They utilise different brain processes. 752 00:34:26,540 --> 00:34:29,580 It's when you've got a thing that really requires single focus. 753 00:34:29,580 --> 00:34:32,500 It's called a bottleneck. Like voting. 754 00:34:32,500 --> 00:34:34,500 Yes, exactly like that, exactly like that. 755 00:34:34,500 --> 00:34:36,550 When you're multitasking, what your brain's actually doing 756 00:34:36,550 --> 00:34:38,580 is switching back and forth very fast between the tasks. 757 00:34:38,580 --> 00:34:41,530 So, really, it would have been better off to do it one at a time. 758 00:34:41,530 --> 00:34:43,570 So why's there a thing about men not being able to multitask 759 00:34:43,570 --> 00:34:46,530 and women being able to? No, but it's kind of reverse sexism, 760 00:34:46,530 --> 00:34:48,530 that essentially it was invented by men to go, 761 00:34:48,530 --> 00:34:50,540 "No, no, no, you should do all the housework, 762 00:34:50,540 --> 00:34:52,580 "because you're able to kind of, like, look after the baby 763 00:34:52,580 --> 00:34:55,560 "and do the dinner AND keep the kitchen clean."Yeah. 764 00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:59,580 It's like ads. You know, the ad is always a massive suburban house, 765 00:34:59,580 --> 00:35:03,520 and the husband can't put in a light bulb. 766 00:35:03,520 --> 00:35:05,590 The amount of ads that, over the last 30, 40 years, 767 00:35:05,590 --> 00:35:09,520 is always, "Oh, George! Hur-hur-hur! 768 00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:10,580 "Oh, he's useless, isn't he? 769 00:35:10,580 --> 00:35:12,510 "Anyway, buy this."Yeah. 770 00:35:13,530 --> 00:35:15,520 But, yeah, and also it is insulting to men. 771 00:35:15,520 --> 00:35:16,580 There's no consensus at all...No. 772 00:35:16,580 --> 00:35:19,520 ..as to whether men or women are better at multitasking. 773 00:35:19,520 --> 00:35:22,530 But multitasking actually causes a temporary ten-point decrease in IQ. 774 00:35:22,530 --> 00:35:24,520 It's about the same as smoking marijuana 775 00:35:24,520 --> 00:35:26,540 or missing a night's sleep, if you try and multitask. 776 00:35:26,540 --> 00:35:28,580 You're much better off doing things one at a time.Yeah. 777 00:35:28,580 --> 00:35:32,570 It seems there's no such thing as a multitask master. 778 00:35:32,570 --> 00:35:34,580 Right, everybody gets a banana. 779 00:35:34,580 --> 00:35:40,500 I want you to show me how a wild monkey would eat this, please. 780 00:35:40,500 --> 00:35:41,580 Oh, I reckon I know this. ANDREW: I know. 781 00:35:41,580 --> 00:35:43,530 Yes? Oh. 782 00:35:43,530 --> 00:35:44,560 - Upside down. - Whoa. 783 00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:45,560 Oh, that's very good. 784 00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:48,530 How am I doing? KLAXON BLARES 785 00:35:48,530 --> 00:35:49,560 How does that work?! 786 00:35:49,560 --> 00:35:52,560 I think monkeys in the wild don't, in fact, eat bananas. 787 00:35:52,560 --> 00:35:53,580 ALAN:Yeah, I'm with you. 788 00:35:53,580 --> 00:35:55,570 Oh, cos they don't have access to bananas, yeah. 789 00:35:55,570 --> 00:35:58,580 It's like the way polar bears don't eat penguins.Yeah. 790 00:35:58,580 --> 00:36:01,520 Cos they don't like chocolate biscuits. 791 00:36:02,520 --> 00:36:04,580 APPLAUSE That's it. 792 00:36:04,580 --> 00:36:06,500 You're absolutely right. 793 00:36:06,500 --> 00:36:09,530 Wild monkeys do not eat bananas at all. Why is that? 794 00:36:09,530 --> 00:36:11,580 There are no bananas in the wild. Correct, absolutely right. 795 00:36:11,580 --> 00:36:13,590 It's a domesticated plant, the edible banana. 796 00:36:13,590 --> 00:36:16,510 And there's only one left, isn't there? What, banana? 797 00:36:16,510 --> 00:36:18,570 No, one type of banana. There was... That's right, it died out. 798 00:36:18,570 --> 00:36:21,500 Yeah, it died out and there was one place that had them, 799 00:36:21,500 --> 00:36:22,530 and that now caters everyone. 800 00:36:22,530 --> 00:36:24,560 Well, there are some bananas that grow in the wild, 801 00:36:24,560 --> 00:36:26,510 but they are not particularly... 802 00:36:26,510 --> 00:36:29,520 A banana plant takes nine months to grow...Yeah. 803 00:36:29,520 --> 00:36:32,590 ..nine months to produce a bunch of bananas and then that's it finished. 804 00:36:32,590 --> 00:36:34,550 And it's technically a herb. 805 00:36:34,550 --> 00:36:37,520 These are all correct facts about bananas, 806 00:36:37,520 --> 00:36:40,530 but the wild banana is oval, it's not remotely sweet, 807 00:36:40,530 --> 00:36:41,570 it's not particularly edible. 808 00:36:41,570 --> 00:36:44,510 Monkeys do not tend to eat them. 809 00:36:44,510 --> 00:36:45,570 They do like to eat them in the zoo. 810 00:36:45,570 --> 00:36:47,580 Let's see how. 811 00:36:47,580 --> 00:36:50,560 There is a monkey eating it in the zoo. 812 00:36:50,560 --> 00:36:52,530 They seem to eat it any way they like - 813 00:36:52,530 --> 00:36:54,550 they bite into it, they pierce the skin, they just... 814 00:36:54,550 --> 00:36:56,530 He just wants to get it down him, doesn't he? 815 00:36:56,530 --> 00:36:59,500 Doesn't really care. They do love human-engineered bananas. 816 00:36:59,500 --> 00:37:00,580 They've been known to raid plantations. 817 00:37:00,580 --> 00:37:02,570 They are actually seen as a bit of a pest. 818 00:37:02,570 --> 00:37:04,520 But Paignton Zoo in Devon 819 00:37:04,520 --> 00:37:08,530 has stopped monkeys from eating bananas now, because they're too sugary.Mm. 820 00:37:08,530 --> 00:37:10,570 And they cause gastro-intestinal problems. 821 00:37:10,570 --> 00:37:12,570 And here's my favourite banana fact. 822 00:37:12,570 --> 00:37:14,570 Enid Blyton's nephew Carey Blyton 823 00:37:14,570 --> 00:37:17,570 wrote the song Bananas In Pyjamas. 824 00:37:17,570 --> 00:37:19,560 I know it's a bit random. 825 00:37:19,560 --> 00:37:23,590 As we were doing songs and I didn't know any of them, I know that one. 826 00:37:23,590 --> 00:37:27,520 I know, "Let's all go along the Strand, have a banana," 827 00:37:27,520 --> 00:37:29,550 it's because they used to have a fruit stall 828 00:37:29,550 --> 00:37:31,540 right at that end of Charing Cross. 829 00:37:31,540 --> 00:37:34,540 You know, Des O'Connor couldn't walk when he was young, 830 00:37:34,540 --> 00:37:37,560 very tragic childhood, which he recovered from, 831 00:37:37,560 --> 00:37:40,520 but his autobiography is called Bananas Can't Fly 832 00:37:40,520 --> 00:37:43,560 because his father would hold a banana when encouraging him 833 00:37:43,560 --> 00:37:45,570 to recover the use of his legs and say, 834 00:37:45,570 --> 00:37:48,520 "You've got to come and get it, it can't fly." 835 00:37:48,520 --> 00:37:50,510 And it was a rare thing to have a banana, 836 00:37:50,510 --> 00:37:52,560 and then when he recovered and he was able to walk, 837 00:37:52,560 --> 00:37:55,550 he went down the shops and got run over - and that's a true story! 838 00:37:57,570 --> 00:37:59,530 That's a wonderful story. 839 00:37:59,530 --> 00:38:02,560 Where was the fruit stall in, did you say the Strand? 840 00:38:02,560 --> 00:38:05,550 There is a really old kind of London Cockney song. 841 00:38:05,550 --> 00:38:08,520 Yeah. You used to be able to, I've got a friend that wrote a book 842 00:38:08,520 --> 00:38:11,540 about pineapples and you used to be able to rent a pineapple on the Strand. 843 00:38:11,540 --> 00:38:14,540 No-one ate pineapples. It was a sign of wealth. 844 00:38:14,540 --> 00:38:17,550 They had them on Lambeth Bridge in the architecture 845 00:38:17,550 --> 00:38:20,520 and it was a fashion item. Women dressed up like pineapples. 846 00:38:20,520 --> 00:38:23,540 I heard this lovely story about sailors coming home 847 00:38:23,540 --> 00:38:25,530 from being away for months and months at a time, 848 00:38:25,530 --> 00:38:28,530 and the wives would put a pineapple in the window and it would signify, 849 00:38:28,530 --> 00:38:30,560 my husband is home, no gentleman callers, please. 850 00:38:30,560 --> 00:38:33,540 Absolutely.Someone told me that stately home thing, 851 00:38:33,540 --> 00:38:37,560 the big pineapples on stately homes, is kind of a gag alluding to that. 852 00:38:37,560 --> 00:38:41,580 Gateposts with pineapples on to show the lady was permanently virtuous. 853 00:38:41,580 --> 00:38:43,520 Kind of cute.I know. 854 00:38:43,520 --> 00:38:45,530 I'm not getting one. 855 00:38:47,510 --> 00:38:49,560 There was a woman that died in pineapple as well, in London. 856 00:38:49,560 --> 00:38:50,580 She died in pineapple? 857 00:38:50,580 --> 00:38:53,540 She bathed in pineapple and the acid killed her. 858 00:38:53,540 --> 00:38:54,570 Right, moving on. 859 00:38:54,570 --> 00:38:58,540 What did the first sneeze sound like? 860 00:38:58,540 --> 00:38:59,560 Atishoo. 861 00:38:59,560 --> 00:39:02,520 KLAXON BLARES No, not...No, not "Achoo!" 862 00:39:02,520 --> 00:39:03,560 No. Achoo is different.Yeah. 863 00:39:03,560 --> 00:39:06,520 Atishoo is different from achoo. I'm not having that. 864 00:39:06,520 --> 00:39:08,580 You've pressed the wrong button. No, I think... 865 00:39:08,580 --> 00:39:10,530 Everything about sneezing... 866 00:39:10,530 --> 00:39:12,520 "Atishoo!" It's not the same as "Achoo!" 867 00:39:12,520 --> 00:39:14,530 That's a different sneeze.Yeah.OK. 868 00:39:14,530 --> 00:39:17,500 Everything about sneezing is adorable. The way that people... 869 00:39:17,500 --> 00:39:19,580 Their eyes kind of glaze over, like they can't concentrate for a second. 870 00:39:19,580 --> 00:39:21,530 The worst thing is when it goes away. 871 00:39:21,530 --> 00:39:23,540 When you think you're going to sneeze and it goes, 872 00:39:23,540 --> 00:39:24,580 you've been robbed of it.You think, 873 00:39:24,580 --> 00:39:26,570 "He'll be back, and it'll be even stronger." 874 00:39:26,570 --> 00:39:28,560 I don't think you make any noise when you sneeze. 875 00:39:28,560 --> 00:39:30,540 I think it's a socially learned thing. 876 00:39:30,540 --> 00:39:32,590 You're absolutely right, it's an affectation.Is it? 877 00:39:32,590 --> 00:39:35,500 So you could go, "Yahoo!" Yeah, well... 878 00:39:35,500 --> 00:39:37,560 ..deaf people who have never heard the affectation 879 00:39:37,560 --> 00:39:40,560 do not make the sounds that the rest of us make when we sneeze.Oh! 880 00:39:40,560 --> 00:39:44,500 So "atishoo" or "achoo" or, in German, "haschi", 881 00:39:44,500 --> 00:39:48,500 "hakshon" in Japanese, the Filipino is "hatsing". 882 00:39:48,500 --> 00:39:49,540 The Polish say "apsik". 883 00:39:49,540 --> 00:39:52,550 We all have a noise that we make, but we've learnt to make it. 884 00:39:52,550 --> 00:39:56,520 Apparently, if you have never heard a sneeze before, 885 00:39:56,520 --> 00:39:58,570 what it actually should sound like is a heavy breath, 886 00:39:58,570 --> 00:40:00,580 as the deep pre-sneeze breath is taken, 887 00:40:00,580 --> 00:40:03,570 and then a sharper, faster sound of air being released.Ahh-huh... 888 00:40:03,570 --> 00:40:06,540 But we make that noise because we think we're supposed to. 889 00:40:06,540 --> 00:40:09,500 Hic!It's what a sneeze sounds like. That's a great fact, isn't it? 890 00:40:09,500 --> 00:40:10,550 It's a really great fact.Yeah. 891 00:40:10,550 --> 00:40:12,560 WHINING SNEEZE 892 00:40:12,560 --> 00:40:14,560 I'm so sorry. 893 00:40:14,560 --> 00:40:16,520 That's a great sneeze, do that again. 894 00:40:16,520 --> 00:40:18,560 Alan's come down with something. 895 00:40:18,560 --> 00:40:20,580 Very poorly. That was several years ago, darling. 896 00:40:20,580 --> 00:40:24,540 Still battling. You may need some W-40. 897 00:40:24,540 --> 00:40:28,580 There's also a different cultural response to how we sneeze, 898 00:40:28,580 --> 00:40:31,560 so we tend to say bless you, that tends to be the thing. 899 00:40:31,560 --> 00:40:33,590 The Burmese say, "Understood." 900 00:40:33,590 --> 00:40:36,560 I don't know why. The Chinese say, "Duo he dian shui," 901 00:40:36,560 --> 00:40:40,560 and it means, "Drink more water." 902 00:40:40,560 --> 00:40:42,540 The Portuguese cry, "Little Saint," 903 00:40:42,540 --> 00:40:45,510 the Serbians say, "Go away, kitten." 904 00:40:45,510 --> 00:40:47,510 The record for the longest fit of sneezing 905 00:40:47,510 --> 00:40:49,520 belongs to a British woman called Donna Griffiths. 906 00:40:49,520 --> 00:40:52,500 She began sneezing on the 13th of January 1981, 907 00:40:52,500 --> 00:40:55,510 and she had her first sneeze-free day... 908 00:40:55,510 --> 00:40:58,550 ..977 days later.No! 909 00:40:58,550 --> 00:41:00,560 She sneezed an estimated one million times. 910 00:41:00,560 --> 00:41:04,510 Worked in the pepper factory, I believe. 911 00:41:04,510 --> 00:41:06,500 Yeah, I'll just be clear that's not her, OK? 912 00:41:06,500 --> 00:41:08,570 That's just a very nice random person.Stock image sneezer. 913 00:41:08,570 --> 00:41:11,500 Stock image of person sneezing. Yeah. 914 00:41:11,500 --> 00:41:14,510 And at school, did you have that thing where everyone was like, 915 00:41:14,510 --> 00:41:17,540 if you sneeze eight times, it's the same as a whole orgasm? 916 00:41:17,540 --> 00:41:20,520 Did you? No.No. OK. Yeah. 917 00:41:20,520 --> 00:41:23,540 That was a thing at school, just like, "Oh, three! Five more." 918 00:41:23,540 --> 00:41:25,560 Yeah."Five more." 919 00:41:25,560 --> 00:41:27,540 What do you say when it happens? 920 00:41:29,540 --> 00:41:31,560 Because the Koreans say... 921 00:41:31,560 --> 00:41:33,540 Get out my away, kitten! 922 00:41:33,540 --> 00:41:35,590 I think when you orgasm, I think it's nice to say, 923 00:41:35,590 --> 00:41:38,500 "Bang goes the dynamite!" 924 00:41:38,500 --> 00:41:40,500 Or, "Whoopsie daisies." 925 00:41:40,500 --> 00:41:41,540 It's really time to finish. 926 00:41:43,520 --> 00:41:44,560 That also works. 927 00:41:44,560 --> 00:41:46,520 There's the most fantastic game, 928 00:41:46,520 --> 00:41:48,550 which is played on I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, 929 00:41:48,550 --> 00:41:50,540 which was coming up with sentences that work 930 00:41:50,540 --> 00:41:52,570 both in the kitchen and in the bedroom. 931 00:41:52,570 --> 00:41:55,570 So things like, "Ooh, it's a bit dry, do you have any cream?" 932 00:42:00,570 --> 00:42:03,510 Or, "I prefer your mother's," that kind of thing. 933 00:42:03,510 --> 00:42:04,540 Wow. 934 00:42:06,510 --> 00:42:07,580 "Do you fancy a roast this Sunday?" 935 00:42:07,580 --> 00:42:08,590 That's it! 936 00:42:10,530 --> 00:42:11,560 "Just stick it in for 20 minutes 937 00:42:11,560 --> 00:42:14,500 "and I'll get you the free garlic bread." Um... 938 00:42:15,590 --> 00:42:19,550 All of which leaves us clamouring for the scores. 939 00:42:19,550 --> 00:42:22,560 And I can tell you, in fourth place, with minus two, 940 00:42:22,560 --> 00:42:24,530 which I think is very creditable, 941 00:42:24,530 --> 00:42:25,590 it's Alan. 942 00:42:25,590 --> 00:42:27,560 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 943 00:42:27,560 --> 00:42:28,560 Minus two. 944 00:42:29,580 --> 00:42:33,520 In third place, with minus one, Sara! 945 00:42:33,520 --> 00:42:34,590 APPLAUSE Thank you. Thank you. 946 00:42:36,520 --> 00:42:39,530 In second place, with a full three points, Andrew! 947 00:42:39,530 --> 00:42:41,540 APPLAUSE 948 00:42:42,580 --> 00:42:47,540 In first place, with seven actual points, it's Jimmy. 949 00:42:47,540 --> 00:42:51,520 How? What did I say? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 950 00:42:57,560 --> 00:43:00,580 Right, it's thanks to Andrew, Jimmy, Sara and Alan. 951 00:43:00,580 --> 00:43:04,500 And I leave you with this quick quotation from Mark Twain. 952 00:43:04,500 --> 00:43:06,570 "I thoroughly disapprove of duels. 953 00:43:06,570 --> 00:43:08,530 "If a man should challenge me, 954 00:43:08,530 --> 00:43:11,500 "I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand 955 00:43:11,500 --> 00:43:12,560 "and lead him to a quiet place 956 00:43:12,560 --> 00:43:13,580 "and kill him." 957 00:43:13,580 --> 00:43:14,590 Goodnight. 958 00:43:14,590 --> 00:43:16,590 APPLAUSE