Oh
Quafing and Phil Jupiter's three sheets to the wind. It's prulies. Would you mind stepping out of the vehicle, please? It's Alan Davis
This is around the house. So what can I get you prugose?
Those a good idea to order 300 gin and tonics Tuesday a bit late in the week
Frankly
Let's think it through. What is in gin and tonic?
Quinine is in and why might you want quinine?
Isn't it good for stopping mosquitoes biting you?
No, it doesn't stop mosquitoes biting you but it used to be the treatment for malaria for malaria
Yeah, so the problem is that today's tonic contains very little so in order for it to be effective
You would really have to drink 300 gin and tonics every single day. I accept that
Mean don't try it because too much quinine it unbelievably bad for you can get to abnormal heart rhythms
You can get double vision. I think that's the gin actually if I'm honest
Seriously
Some of those some malaria pills make you blind or make you yes
No, I mean some of the new stuff is also I think not very good
I've known people to have what can only be described as a psychotic reaction
Usually while sharing a tent with me, which is not fun
Crazy dreams. Oh, wow. It's great. I bought a load
The only person I can think who might have accepted the actual challenge of 300 gin and tonics a day is Clarissa Dixon
Right, you may remember one half of the TV chef duo two fat ladies. She once got so ill
The doctors thought she had malaria. She had something called sticky blood
It's a condition that is usually suffered by people who have taken too many quinine tablets
Over a long period it turned out she had quinine poisoning from too many gin and tonics
Then she was drinking six pints of tonic a day
Over 12 years. I didn't even know what quinine is to you. It comes from the bark of the cinchona tree. Oh
So the interesting. Thank you, darling
What can they ask off here? So thank you
So the catch what people who were the indigenous people of South America
They knew about it long before the Europeans because they lived there because they live there exactly
Europeans are a massive disadvantage with the fauna of South America
Yeah, and the flora but the really sad thing is that it was the Europeans who brought malaria to them
So the malaria did not exist. Oh, and now we have to go there to catch it
So what do you get out the bark and what yeah, so you have to distill it you have to distill it
From the bark or will it up and then drips out or how do you do that?
Well, it's a very long chemical process and it was first done in 1820 by two French scientists
But it changed the face of the world. Why might that be you could just go to more horrible places
Well, you could go to places that you wanted to colonize the whole map
Exactly, right Prue. You could suddenly go to India and parts of Africa. Give them gonorrhea instead. Yeah
Give us your land. We'll give you an itch in an uncomfortable place
Is that a quinine tree that is the cinchona tree so it's like a beach tree to me looks like a good climber
Do you not think you could easily climb up that not for a fat person?
But in Britain it saves the reputation of gin because when quinine was discovered as a thing that would possibly cure malaria
Gin which had been the drink of the of the poorer classes
Suddenly became a drink that everybody was happy to drink gin and tonic became quite the thing certainly the drink of the colonies
Yes sitting in the club and having a gin and tonic quinine also responsible for the invention of modern dyes
So there was a gentleman called Sir William Henry Perkin and he wanted to make a synthetic version of the drug
He failed actually it so there is it was only 18 when he did this there
He is an 18. It is actually before and after picture 300 gin and tonic
He's very nice-looking both times
He was a handsome fellow handsome boy handsome man. He did well and he invented Moveen
It's the very first artificial color ever invented changed the world of fashion
But what he was trying to do was actually to make quinine
I want to heal people. I'm gonna heal people. I want to make people look fabulous
But the pre-quinine malaria treatments they were just as bizarre as they were desperate so I love this one in medieval Europe
It was thought that it would work if you were thrown headfirst into a bush
And if you got out quickly enough to leave the fever behind that would sort you out
God if someone landed in my bush training
I
Leave it there
Eat an onion with our men written on it. It's good for you
My mother used to have from onion sandwiches raw onion sandwiches white bread lots of butter raw onions
It's delicious. Tell us to put some cheese in
It used to be called Roman fever malaria and it's thought to be one of the reasons for the end of the Roman Empire
It's one of the oldest illnesses in the world. We have discovered mosquitoes with the malaria parasite in it fossilized in amber
It are 30 million years old and still to this day about a million people a year die
From it is a truly terrible disease. It comes from medieval Italian malaria. So it means bad air. Not a good thing
I do like this in 2014 a Californian firm made a perfume that made cows smell like humans
So that mosquitoes would bite them instead of us
Oh
Because cows can't get malaria apparently the other alternative cure is Viagra
Of me. Yes
Apparently a fairly effective way of treating malaria as it can improve the spleen's ability to filter the parasite excellent
My malaria is gone. I've got somewhere to put this towel
I'm so sorry
Sorry crew, it's okay. I'm too old to understand it. I don't know what
All right, that's your gnt now time for some shots
So you've all got a shot glass of something beside you. So Alan having a look at yours. What do you think it might be?
Do you want me to drink it? Have a taste? Yes. Have a taste a taste
I mean, is it if I drank it all would I die? No, I'm not allowed to kill you
Sounds to me like you've said that before
Say the contract this year has been particularly tricky to negotiate
What's it taste of I just see I just drank that what no idea what it is any thoughts of what it tastes it tastes
I'm getting
I'm getting gravel from the a1 side of a wardrobe
It's as close as we can get to what the gladiators used to drink
So they coiffed a drink which was made from ash vinegar and water in order to help
Are you enjoying it more or less now?
Basically what you're drinking there is a burnt-down chip shop
Savalois
What we know is the gladiators were mostly vegetarian. They had a diet of lots of lentils and lots of beans
We know this from QI is great friend Pliny the elder
I have to say things he wrote we have to take them a little bit of a pinch of salt because he also said
Drinking bulls blood cures snake bites and turnips provoke lust. I can't argue with that
These are kind of early energy drinks and the nearest we can find to the kind of ash thing is activated charcoal shots
And people do drink them now and adherents say it's fantastic for I don't hangovers increasing your energy
I have to warn you that it can cause constipation and make your poo black
Okay, so a little bit of ash for you let's come on to Phil so charioteers
This I'm straight away malt vinegar right out of the trap. Okay some more vinegar
It tastes like watered-down
Malt vinegar, but I'm getting them a bit of a salty back end on it. Yeah, so well
Had we been able to do this properly a salty back end is exactly what's missing because what they drank
Was indeed vinegar which had been watered down, but it also had dung in it, which would be
Sorted down back end right there. So what is in this is only this is just posca which is vinegar and water
It would have lots of good calories and it would have been perfectly healthy thing good for your gutter and so on
Even Nero who fancied himself as a charioteer
He swore by a good old draught of pig dung and vinegar to help you with your recovery
Did you like it? I'm gonna go through a period where people were using ash to cook things
I don't know where they did it intentionally
but certainly there'd been a lot of ash around and people have often used ash to preserve cheeses and
Berry cheese in ash. I think babies were given it for something
That's when they used to be allowed to smoke fags
When they had a cup of tea in their bottles, you know
Brandy on the lips my man used to put a shot of brandy in the baby's milk
That's a shot. You're a baby. You've had a brandy
Sorry, you're saying it's me. Look at me
Thanks, Nan
She just wanted you to shut up and go to sleep quite right
Right Joe, let's have a go with you looks like liquid hopelessness to me
Do you like it? It tastes like ginger beer. It is just ginger my darling
It's a stimulant ginger wherever it's been available has been used as it not as a medicine as a medicine
Here's the thing. If you drank that how would you feel about drinking from a toilet bowl? Love it. Well
One of the weirdest things about drinking ginger is apparently it suppresses feelings of disgust
So they did a study in 2019 in the Journal of the American Psychological Association. Maybe I'll have sex with me husband tonight
See your wife having a ginger ale before bed
I'll just get me back
Disgusting things like snot in a napkin or something you would feel you have that on some toast
If you have the ginger first apparently you don't feel as disgusted
Somehow the ginger suppresses the disgust. I quite like the concept of snot on a napkin
Sounds like an upmarket restaurant
And have a snow on a napkin
All right, let's have a go you better have a ginger ale first
What can you smell?
It gave it a sniff to see that professional. Oh, yes
I have no idea what this is, but I have drunk it before
It's a modern energy drink. Do you don't like the taste of it? Well, it's a bit sweet what it's the crack
Sugar and caffeine and something called taurine which is supposed to be even more stimulating than caffeine
They're pretty much all that I have it all i'll be jumping high as a kite darling high as a kite
So these are all energy drinks from a long time ago
This is the most modern one that we've come to here
The money made by it is more than the fragrance and cannabis market combined. It is worth an absolute fortune
And since it's absolutely stuffed full of sugar. Yeah, all it's doing is making you fat your point
being
What might you want to have done with your own ashes if you don't want to turn it into a drink
What could you do with your own ashes any thoughts?
Oh, yeah
You say you leave it in your work you say when I
Firework you can be turned into a jewel
Yeah, but your manner of so my favorite thing is that you can turn the ashes of a loved one
into a drinking cup
So I love this because you could theoretically drink an ash drink for energy out of the ashes of somebody you loved who is dead
I know it's quite weird, isn't it? Apparently you can also make them into a tattoo. What? Yes
What they make it into ink and turn it into a tattoo. It can be made into a pencil lead
Cuddly toy, there's no end
I could be a pencil lead. Well, i'm 56. Oh the irony
I think you could be a whole set of pencils
Right drinks away, please
Time to go from quaffing to scoffing, but we are staying with the letter q. Can you name a cereal crop that begins with
a q
Yes
Quaker oats quaker oats is as close as we were able to find ourselves. You are exactly right
It's not quinoa because I think quinoa isn't a grass. It is not a grain. It's a seed
It's a seed so strictly speaking it cannot be classified as a cereal and in fact, you know
It's good news for the ashkenazi jews. For example, they're not allowed to eat grains over Passover
Where they can eat quinoa bad luck to them. It tastes shit
I always think it's one of those foods that you need to add actual food to it to make it taste like a cake. Yeah
Do you have quinoa? Of course it has. Do you like it? No
It's annoying on your plate. It's annoying in your mouth
Irritating stuff. Have you cooked with it? Yeah, of course i've cooked with it. You like it? Yeah, I like it
But I agree with you it needs help. Here's the thing about quinoa. It's a super food
It contains a lot more protein than most plants plenty of iron high in vitamin e
It also has all 10 amino acids needed to support human life. I mean I say this in fairness haribo contains nine
So-called building blocks. I really want to believe that. That is true. Yeah haribo has nine of the building blocks in life
Haribo a day keeps the doctor away
But if you've had a quinoa only diet you'd have anemia I think you'd probably have scurvy you wouldn't be able to clot blood
It's not a good idea
But it does contain another q quercetin and that is very good antiviral anti-cancer anti-inflammatory antidepressant
I mean it has lots of good stuff in it. Here's what does quinoa. Yeah, it has lots of good stuff in it
Yeah, it's got antidepressants in it and you look at it and feel like killing yourself
It's all carol vorderman's fault is it yeah, well she wrote the first cookery book that's had quinoa in it
I remember it. Well, I wept that day
Whatever happened to semolina
I agree with you. What's that? That's gone. Nobody uses semolina
Do you if you make a pie and it's likely to have a soggy bottom? Yes, i'm listening
If you put a layer of semolina in the bottom of the pie it will soak up those juices and you'll have a nice
Crisp non-soggy bottom and you won't taste it. You won't taste the semolina. It's just wheat. So it's just like pastry. I love that
Uh, anybody know what quinoa plant looks like? Yeah, I went to bolivia. I saw quinoa fields
It is actually rather beautiful. It's got colors which come from a type of pigment called betalin
It's the same chemical gives beetroot its color. Isn't it? It's rather lovely also contains suppanins
Which are soap-like chemicals and in fact andean cultures use those soapy husks as shampoo
And nasa are looking at quinoa as a possible food for long space missions. Lucky astronaut. I know. Yay
Please and not to get on that you got to sit with richard branson for 50 years
Seeing as we have pru on the panel
I thought I should test your baking skills the rest of you so we're going to make some danish
Lemon quaffels and pru i'm going to ask you to judge please. So everybody bring out your tray with your
Ingredients so pru that is the instructions. Have you made danish lemon quaffels before?
I don't think they exist. Don't be ridiculous
Okay, here we go
Before we can start our quaffel making sandy. I don't wish to I appear to be given a chair from sandy's house
Yes
Right, you've got one egg one half cup of buttermilk five teaspoons of baking soda one half teaspoon of vanilla one cup of lemon
Juice one cup and a quarter of sugar
Seven eighths of a cup of all-purpose flour and eight tablespoons of melted butter pru. What are the instructions, please?
All right in a small bowl beat the egg until foamy
It's foamy or until you're foamy
Until it's foamy, come on foam up your bastard
Okay now, yeah, all right put it in a pan and get the beans warmed up
Add the buttermilk and vanilla. Which one's the buttermilk? That's the white one. Oh, it's gloopy and blended well
Yeah, so and the vanilla
Sandy yeah, can I lick the bowl sandy?
A bit more wet
Add the baking soda one teaspoon at a time
Sprinkling it and beating until the mixture is smooth and the consistency of light cream and you can do this
Right and beating sandy's keep that other show where it belongs
Baking soda the whole lot all of it. That's good. Okay
That's thankfully the skills I had as a young man that becoming useful
Oh
Oh, darling, it'll take forever. Let me
One teaspoon at a time. That's a teaspoon. It's there. It's there. Don't don't leak. Oh
Okay assisted by sanding
Okay. All right. This is pretty good. Yep. Now what? All right a fiber for now
I had to have the right money around the block. Okay, so done that. Yeah pour the mixture into the beaker. Oh
Beaker is it the process but they won't eat any of it
The lemon juice all at once and blend into the mixture blend. How do you oh no spilt some in the egg
Happen something to do with the acid. I think because prude doesn't know how to cook
Lemon juice is acid and it mixes with the baking powder, which is a carbonate and that is what happens
Is it by baking soda? Okay, so it forms co2 and it foams up in that way
Especially if you put five teaspoons in it, which yeah about four and a half more than you'd normally use
Yeah, we were rather determined that it should work
I think it did obviously we invented danish lemon quaffles because it begins with a q
Can I recommend to you a pen and teller book called how to play with your food and the recipes in there
It's called swedish lemon angels, but what a great thing to make with your kids and wasn't pretty fantastic getting out the
Television it'll never catch on
for a question on quips
Phil how many jokes would you exchange for this person? Well, it's my child. So, uh
I've got to be honest. It's a buyer's market
So this is your daughter emily, yeah, and emily is now one of the elves here she works for us on qi
But we learned this wonderful thing in between the fifth and the second century bc in athens
Comedians were known as parasitos literally means we still are literally means parasites
So sponges and they made a living by turning up at dinner parties uninvited and they would exchange jokes for food
Uh, and they had their own joke books and kept them updated. That's why we're such brilliant comics. Look at the size of it
One or two dinners
So there was a parasitos called sartorio and he kept a whole chest full of joke books at home and he offered up
600 of his quips his jokes as a dowry for his daughter
So we thought well, let's extend this and let's have your daughter as a hostage and see how many jokes you would exchange
So if you can make the audience laugh, I will release her
Okay, um a salesman knocks on the door of a house and the door opens and there's a five-year-old child standing there
With a cigar and a balloon of brandy and the salesman looks a little boy and goes hello little boy
He goes boy
He goes are your mum and dad in and he goes does it look like they are?
Okay release the child
So the ancient Greeks had stand-up comedy nights, but a lot of the time only other comedians would attend
There was a group in what what's the one on the right doing to the one on the right?
I believe that's the beginning of improv
One on the left's not keen on it
Second left's going look at him. Look at him
Anyway, there used to be a thing called the group of 60 and they were athenian wits who got together
And exchanged jokes and so one of the ways you would tell a joke in athens you would say the 60 said and so
On but the very first joke book that europe ever had was published by anybody ever guess
We are talking in mid 1400s
lazy bird well
The vatican
Published it was utterly obscene
They had they had a sort of joke club called the bujjali. It was literally a fib factory
There was a papal secretary called poggio bracciolini and he kept a record of all these jokes and he published it
273 puns and jokes mostly the usual stuff farts erections a bit rubbish at reading any look at him. Yeah
Yeah
Excuse me, is that athena the frame of my picture has fallen on my head
He's famous for having beautiful handwriting
He is the creator of the very first roman font and we think he's the man behind time's new roman that we use today
Today I will come up with dingbats
Right now what was the most exciting diet in history I reckon
In the siege of paris
They ate the zoo animal they did darling 1870 there were recipes for elephant elephant
There were recipes for his trunk and his uh, whatever you call it. Yeah cock
I believe some roosters were eaten as well
So that is an interesting one, but it's possibly not the most exciting exciting diet
At the end of the 19th and indeed the beginning of the 20th century, uh, there were professional
Fasters they were called hunger artists and these were people who would in public see who could fast for the longest
I'd love to do that. Yeah
Yeah
If we all stopped eating now if we like didn't have any food the five of us
Would me and joe last longer because we're fat. How dare you?
You
I point out i'm much heavier than joe. I'll slaughter her in a fasting competition. It's not a competition, but do do
These reserves are yes, of course, we would last longer. Yeah. Yeah
Do you think I don't know that's necessarily true. I think it depends on your metabolism and then yeah your abilities is
Available. Yeah
So how long do you think you would last because if you could last for a very long time you could make thousands and thousands
A year there was a guy called giovanni. Suchi. He was paid more than a quarter of a million pounds
Back in 1890. He lasted 40 days on the stage in london and afterwards he had missed eating so much
He went on to found pringles
What we now reckon is uh, it doesn't matter about your initial body weight
You'll probably last eight to 12 weeks. Okay, all of us would be about the same
Um, but this fad it started in 1880
There was a doctor called henry tanner and he bet that he could live on water for 40 days
And he made an absolute fortune from people just coming to stare at him. There was a woman called molly fluncher
She was also known as the brooklyn enigma
And she claimed she had psychic abilities due to starvation and she was challenged
To do it for 40 days with round-the-clock observation by doctors, but she said the doctors are bound to be male
I'm not going to do it
Because you know modesty would prevent me from doing this. The truth is on the whole it was discovered people had been secretly eating
Anybody remember the last one in uh, sort of in popular always david blaine in the box
Yeah, he did 44 days in the box. I went to see him. Did you go and see him?
Well, I went it was quite late at night and people throwing eggs at him
How long would you last if you just it without water though, not anywhere near as long
I mean you must have so yeah, you must have some hydration of some kind
There's a rule of three. You can survive three hours without shelter
You can survive three days without water and three weeks without food is the sort of rule of three
What was the first one you can survive three hours without shelter?
This cricket match is longer than that
I mean the one that is extraordinary is the breatharian diet. Does anybody know what the breatharian diet is? Is it breathing air?
Just that literally just that there's this thing prana which you're supposed to live on
It's a sanskrit word and it translates as life air or life force
Have you met a breatharian? I haven't I presume they're the only people I presume they're all dead
I
Claim to live purely off light and air. I would guess they're the only people can bore vegans at dinner parties
Patrick Moore wrote a wonderful book called
Can you speak venutian and he established that the leader of the breatharians did actually eat much like everybody else
But not as well because all he was able to do was rely on places open very late at night when nobody saw him go
Not eating a good diet definitely don't try it at home the garage
And so that's basically pork pies and quavers in it
Yeah
What's the least amount of food anything can survive on any human?
No, anything a a living being two percent of your body weight two percent of your body weight
I mean, uh, we need at least 1200 calories. Don't we they're human beings only 1200 at three muffins
A
Team from the university of southern california has recently discovered microbes that genuinely seem to survive on almost nothing
This is an astonishing story
So the sediments of the pacific ocean they have been found living there and based on how much oxygen has depleted over the ages
Researchers propose that they may have been alive for 75
million
Years, they've certainly been alive for an extraordinarily long period of time
They don't do anything apart from really really slowly metabolizing really really small amounts of food
What is extraordinary? So say they've been alive for 75 million
Uh years that time if they can understand time will have passed really quickly
For them because an animal's ability to perceive time is linked to the speed of its metabolism
So imagine you've got a very fast metabolism. It sends signals to your brain much more quickly
So a fly has very very fast metabolism, uh, so signals go to the brain incredibly quickly
So a newspaper coming at it seems to move rather slowly
And that means that the fly can get away much more quickly never can swat them
You've got a couple of 75 million year old microbes at the bottom of the pacific going where the dinosaur's gone
Well, he's evolved she's evolved
They all evolve he's gone on land now
Here we are still at the starting gate. What's going wrong with us? Do you remember that comet?
Which one
Anyway 75 million isn't that astonishing?
Now what would newlyweds do with these?
That's got to be
A love apple of some sort. It's certainly associated with love. We're in the letter q so it's a fruit beginning with quince
It is a quince
from ancient greek times
Right up to the present day been associated with love and marriage
And in fact in the sixth century bc the athenian lawmaker solon decreed that during the wedding every bride and bridegroom shall
Be shut into a chamber and eat a quince together. You don't like them bro. You've got a raw quince's are
Disgusting i've had quince jelly which is delicious. It's stuffed full of sugar and it's cooked for a very long time
It's lovely but very unkind to make them eat. They must have been desperate to get on with matters
I mean certainly in terms of a british food until the 19th century all fruit was cooked
It was regarded as very bad for your system to eat anything
That was raw the ancient greeks have a story that quince trees sprung up wherever aphrodite the goddess of love
And had a wee walked
Her father uranus was castrated by his son cronus
And the genitals uranus genitals were thrown into the sea and the foam created by the genitals
Out of that rose aphrodite. In fact, if you look at the wikipedia page on aphrodite
Her parents are listed as uranus's severed genitals, which is
Anybody think of a famous poem with quince in it
Are they dined on mints and slices of quince it's up with a ransomable spoon by snoop dog
Anybody know what a runcible spoon is a spoon formerly owned by the archbishop of canterbury
No, it's not anything he made it up it just it just fitted in the poem
Up until the 16th century quince was considered to be an aphrodisiac
It really has had this tremendous reputation
And now really not popular at all is it in fact quite difficult to get hold of I think if you have a tree
Produces so many of them. You don't know what to do with it
But they are wonderful because they make everything set if you want
Apple pie to have that sort of nice jelly
bottom and if you want
To make any jam set shab some quince in that is that and medlar fruit
Which was the other fruit that was very popular particularly in medieval times, you know what the name for medlar is the victorian name
dog's ass
You look at the end of a medlar guess what it looks like does it look like just like a dog's ass
There's one street in london called medlar street where there are still some medlar trees
But I don't think anybody picks the fruit because people don't know what to do with it
I would have preferred dog's ass street wouldn't you?
Generally people should pay more attention to quince's now for a question
That may make you feel a little queasy. Where can you find the world's most disgusting food?
What I think is interesting about that is that it depends where you are
You're right. It is entirely to do with cultural context, but there is actually a disgusting food museum
Uh, it is in sweden. It is in marmo
So what they have said the rules for the food that is allowed to be in the disgusting food museum
They have to be considered disgusting by some people somewhere in the world
They have to be genuinely eaten by some people somewhere in the world as a choice
Okay, so not through necessity and there mustn't be a food stuff that has been created
Just for tourists. So for example, they have bull testicles which in the united states are eaten as prairie oysters or rocky mountain oysters
There are those the testicles issue ever like me had never seen them before
Mongolian mary, which is a sheep's eye in tomato juice, which is regarded as a hangover cure in mongolia. That is a bull's penis there
And uh penis very popular in drinks. It takes three penises to make chinese three penis wine
You need a I know it's well named. Uh, but uh, wait what now? Yeah
You seal a deer and a dog quarter in our last glass of triple dick, please
Uh, but bull's penis crops up all over the world in bolivia darling
It's as a soup they make bull's penis soup in bolivia who did not have that
Oh, maybe I did most commonly eaten by pet dogs as a chewy treat
They don't have any food in the discussing food museum that involves any animal cruelty
So they talk about pate, but they don't show you all the penises have been donated. Yes
It's the thing that I like about it
There's a huge number of people who visited, uh the museum and they report a drastic reduction in meat consumption after they've been to the museum
And vomiting has been a slight issue
Rather cleverly though. All tickets to the museum are printed on a sick bag
Disgust is a it's a universal evolutionary function
We need it in order to avoid disease and unsafe food and so on but what we find disgusting is not interesting
I think we're all going to end up eating lots of insects. Yes
Because they're very nutritious before the knife is out
I don't know why we don't eat more rabbit in this country. They're delicious. Yeah
No, right wait, no i've been on this show i've had this before it kills you
Too much rabbit. I remember when the big man with a uh, when he was on
But there was an episode when uh something and he went oh it'll kill you
If you only eat rabbit it might kill you yeah, yeah, I was suggesting the odd meal
Right now it's time for the round that's guaranteed to make alan's stomach turn
General ignorance fingers on buzzers, please. What is the most expensive liquid on earth? It's probably a wine
Yeah, anybody else elvis's bath water there's someone doing little vials of be no
Yeah, yeah, really go online. Have a look and people are buying vials of bath water
Yeah, because when he died everybody went oh, I know save the bath water exactly
I thought he died on the toilet. Yeah, that's much cheaper that
I think the answer is probably racehorse semen
There is an internet factoid that says scorpion venom is the most expensive liquid on earth
It is 30 million uh pounds per gallon
But here's the thing about scientists. They've worked out a new way of breeding and milking. Uh scorpions has caught the price right down
Oh, yes, they've ruined the markets crack. I know you can now get a gallon of scorpion venom for a mere 70 000
Now come on daisy put your stinger in the milker
A gallon is a lot. It is a lot. You can get a gallon of lsd for 123.000
Chanel number five twenty thousand pounds per gallon printer ink two thousand pounds per gallon
That's that's we're heading down the prices here. That is a racket. That is a racket
But the most expensive liquid that we can find seems to be racehorse semen
So for a mare to be serviced, uh by a famous thoroughbred called Galileo would cost the owner about
540 000 pounds the average volume of a stallion's ejaculation
There's 65 mil so
Galileo would have to ejaculate 70 times in order to produce one gallon of semen and so his semen would be worth almost
50 million pounds per gallon is the most expensive thing
I know
How much is a man's semen worth yours a quid? Yeah
Yeah
Horse semen is much more expensive than printer ink, but even if it was cheaper, it would probably cause some kind of paper jam
What is traditional marmalade made from quinces oranges
Prue had it right. What did you say quince? It is. I said you should pay more attention to quince
Have you ever made quince marmalade? I have it makes very good marmalade. Yeah, so etymologically speaking marmalade should be made from quince
Anybody know where we get the word marmalade from?
Well, the myth is it's maria malan, isn't it?
Yeah
Mary queen of scots that mary queen of scots supposedly ate it when she was sick and it was the french
She is sick and so they made the marmalade. It's an absolute nonsense. It comes from an old word for quince
It's portuguese marmelo and it's just a just means quince. That's all I told you
We should pay more attention to quinces. I said this earlier. Nobody was listening. Well, I refuse
Uh, jay, why might you not want to be a marmalade madam? I don't like fruit
Yeah
What do you reckon marmalade madam you run a brothel and you yes get paid in jam for your hookers
Well, you don't run the brothel. You are a prostitute. It was a 17th 18th century. You have to make them toast afterwards
Remember I said quince was an aphrodisiac
Oh, yeah
Yeah
So it was still believed that it was an aphrodisiac and the young ladies of the night were known as marmalade
I used to live next to a madam of a brothel
She used to tell me which news readers used to come in
They're not telling you oh, yeah
One of them just before he finished go and finally
No
This just in
And now showers. Um
God i'm joining in
Which brings us to the belly of the beast the scores. Let's have a quick. Oh, this is very good in first place
Absolutely, marmalizing the competition with six points. It's phil
In second place with two points, it's alan
And in penultimate place making a fantastic debut with minus one prove
Busting a gut yet still in last place with minus 13 joe
Phil joe and alan and it's time ladies and gentlemen, please with this quaffing quotation from terry pratchett
There are better things in the world than alcohol
But alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them. Cheers
You