Good evening and welcome to QI,
where tonight we are wading through a quagmire of Q's.
Rather than muddy the waters, let's plunge right in.
Up to her neck in it, it's Sally Phillips.
Getting bogged down, it's Sindhu Vee.
Absolutely swamped, it's Aisling Bea.
And the very emboggyment of QI, it's Alan Davies.
Let's admire their quagmires.
Sally goes...
FROG CROAKING
That's nice. Sindhu goes...
BUBBLING
I've had weekends like that, I have to say.
Aisling goes...
SPLASHING
Wow, so many things come to mind that I am not going to say.
There's only one thing, really.
Alan goes...
QUAGMIRE:Giggedy Giggedy!
Quagmire? You don't know Quagmire? No.
It's a character from Family Guy.
Do you not watch Family Guy? No.OK.
Let's get stuck in to some questions.
What's old, cheesy and found in the Bog of Allen?
That's a good picture.
This is kind of blowing my mind. Why?
Because I'm from the Bog of Allen.
And I don't mean where I'm from in Ireland, I mean, like, in Ireland,
where I'm from. Yeah, me English is great!
I'll translate as you go through.
What she's trying to tell you is about her native place.
INCOHERENT SPEECH
We used to take school tours to the Bog of Allen.
To the Bog of Allen?
So it's County Kildare. Kildare. Yeah.OK.
And we didn't realise how special it was, growing up,
but it's #realspecial.
Because?
Just because of its bogginess.
I just realised I didn't take anything in on the day when we went.
OK, that's not really what I'm looking for.OK.
It's one of the unique places where you can find something.
A cheesy thing? A cheesy thing, yes.
A dairy thing?Did you used to throw
cheese wheels into the Bog of Allen?
That's where my Babybels went for my packed lunch!
Yoghurt?
Keep going on the dairy thing.
Butter.Butter.
It's bog butter. What?! Bog butter.
So this is actual butter, buried...
Only one person enjoyed that.
My seven-year-old would be on the floor laughing at that.
"Butter in the bog, ah-ha-ha-ha!"
There is a guy on YouTube who has a whole channel devoted to
flushing different things down the toilet.
Seriously?Yeah.
Like soft cheese, Cheesy Puffs.
Like, a whole beef Wellington.
"And does it flush? Yes, it does."
So, I don't know what I'm more worried about,
that that channel exists or that you're watching it.
You're the only subscriber!
And, Sally, is he single?
"And, reader, I married him!"
I want to know how you crossed the bog as schoolchildren.
Did you go on planks?
Do you know what? There were actually planks,
and I remember one time we also went on a retreat that we had to
cross it in the dead of night.
It was a Catholic retreat now, so I think it was trying to make us
feel a bit like Jesus did or something.
The story of Jesus and the bog is one that's not often told.
I know, but Sandi, you don't just immediately walk on water.
No. You have to build up to it. Absolutely.
Anyway, butter.
Butter.
Butter buried in cloth or sometimes in barrels, and left there,
and some of it has been there for as long as 2,000 years,
so clearly been forgotten.
Still edible.
Sorry, who ate it?
Allen.
Allen, yes.
Because of the cold temperatures, because of the high acidity
and the lack of oxygen, it actually decomposes extremely slowly.
And, well, it makes our sell-by dates look rather ridiculous,
frankly.
Now, the question is,
why did people decide to bury their butter in the bog?
To stop the British stealing the butter, maybe.
Theft is a really good reason.
What else? To preserve it.Yeah.
Preserve it, particularly in the summer months.
Putting stuff in mud is a really good preservation thing.
When I was young, in the summer, my mother would make yoghurt
and say, "go and put it in the mud."
And then you'd forget. And then she'd say, "bring the yoghurt,"
and then you would leave and try and get someone to adopt you because...
You couldn't remember where it was.
You couldn't be, "I lost the yoghurt." Because that would be it.
So you would just leave the house. All summer.
So that's how you've ended up with us? That's how I'm here.OK.
Did you have any bog people come out of the Bog of Allen?
There were.
He went to school with us for seven years.
Denmark has shed-loads of dead people in the bogs.
In fact, one of the best preserved bog bodies was a Dane,
a guy called the Tollund Man.Yes.
And actually, if you have a look, it is, that is...
Ooh, there he is. But isn't that extraordinary?
Quite often corpses like this were found with incredible
signs of violence.
Hanged, beaten, strangled, stabbed.
And I don't mean one of those four, I mean all of them.
And then thrown in the bog.Yes. Really, really dead.
That is what you call overkill.
Yeah. Or...
It is actually, that is the technical term,
it's called over-killing.Oh.
But then, Sandi, can I ask,
if we know that people are being tortured and then thrown
into bogs, what kind of school takes children on a bog school trip?
An Irish Catholic school!
May I introduce you to The Nuns?
That's some school.
"It's only an eighth of what Jesus went through
"for all of you little shits!
"Do you understand me?"
"Does anyone have any butter for this roll?"
So you get it, you get it wrapped in cloth, you get it stored in barrels.
And there's a guy called Brian Kaller, we actually spoke to him.
He recreated bog butter in an experiment at the Bog of Allen.
He only kept it for 18 months in the bog,
which I think is not really long enough.
It should be 2,000 years at the minimum.
He says it has an earthy flavour, not unlike Parmesan cheese.
And apparently it's very good on popcorn.Oh.
In Wales, they came up with a completely different thing
to do with bogs. Any ideas? I know this.Oh, right?
Because I play a part who's the head of the Welsh Tourist Board
and they do bog snorkelling.Yeah.
It was conceived in the 1970s in a pub, curiously.
Something's got hold of him.Yeah.
A dead body!
He's not alone in that water, is he?No.No.
He does look startled.Yeah.
I don't know where number one and number two are,
but they're under the water.
It's essentially a swimming race.
It takes place in a muddy trench in the Waen Rhydd bog.
And contestants have to swim 110 metres
through the marsh wearing a mask, snorkel and flippers.
They have to, they have to!Yeah. But have a look, because some
of them, I think, haven't really
got the hang of it, you know, your basic snorkelling, I think.
This guy.
This one, a little bit more proficient,
he's actually got the hang of using a snorkel.
About 3% of the world's surface is covered in peat.
It's a fantastic carbon sink.
It stores twice as much carbon as all the forests in the world, so
they might have told you that when you went to visit the Bog of Allen.
I missed out on that bit, but I think there's a famine museum on
it, you know, for kids.
And you go round all these places, looking at people being like,
"Urgh!" from the famine.
You know, in India we just go out... And find...?
We take our kids and say, "See that? Get good grades in maths.
"See that?"
Very immersive, that. Very immersive.
To keep your butter fresh, you might want to think outside the bogs.
GROANING
Here's a tastier question - where does Quorn come from?
SPLASH! Oh, yes?
No, I do know this for a fact.
Mo Farah makes it.
Do you eat it, Alan? Is it part of your...?Yes, I eat loads of it.
Yeah? So do you know where it comes from?
Sainsbury's, I get it from.
Isn't it a fungus or something?
It is, it's a mycoprotein.Yeah.
So it's made entirely from fungi. But why is it called Quorn?Oh.
Branding?
I mean, it's called Quorn because if you said
"here's some myco-fungi," nobody would eat it.
Nobody would eat it.
Well, here's one of the most delicious pieces of irony.
It's named after one of the UK's biggest hunts.
Yeah.
I have to say that very carefully. Yeah.
The hunt used to take place at Quorn Hall, in Leicestershire,
in the village of Quorn. It was the home of Hugo Meynell.
He was an MP and he was an absolutely fanatical huntsman.
But it is a village.
And in 1914, the Quorn Specialist Company of Leicester
registered the word as a trademark.
They did custard powders and sauces and stuffings.
Because it's a vegetarian thing, it's what they...
It is a vegetarian thing.
When you're a vegetarian and you move here and you say,
"I'm vegetarian," they start presenting you with this stuff.
They say, "Here's a Quorn hot dog, and a Quorn hamburger."
And you're like, "I've never eaten a hot dog or a hamburger.
"Can I just have, like, a tomato? That's enough for me.
"And you can spare me." But you must have hell in Denmark,
because the Danes don't understand vegetarianism.
Oh, the first time I went to Denmark, I was going to meet
my future in-laws and my husband was like, "Oh, let's go to McDonald's."
So it was a drive-in, and then he said to the guy,
and at that time I understood no Danish,
so he just leaned over and like, "Hurdy, hurdy hoo."
And I had no idea.
But you do know what I mean, you know what I mean.
But you know what I mean.
That's what I heard.
I have a funny feeling you're not going to win this evening.
That's what I heard.
And I won't say what the lady said back.
She just said something in Danish.
And then she made two Big Macs,
then she put my husband's in the box and then she took mine,
opened it, threw out the patty, put that back on and handed it to us.
And she said, "Yeah, we have vegetarian here."
And my husband was like, "Yeah, I'm sorry,
"they're still catching up with vegetarians."
But in 2004, the Quorn Hunt tried to register their name for...
Well done.Thank you.
You're going to slip up in a minute. I know.I can't wait.
I know.
So the hunt from Quorn tried to register their name
for a range of non-foodstuffs, and they couldn't,
because Marlow Foods, who own it, objected and said
they might be adversely affected by being associated with a hunt.
And they won.
So, on the vegetarian food, you each have a vegan sausage roll.
Oh!Ooh!I know, don't get overexcited.
We've gone all out on the budget today.
How is that, Aisling? Is it nice? It's very good.Is it really good?
OK, so it contains half your recommended daily saturated fat in a
single sausage roll, a third of your recommended salts.
It has more calories than a McDonald's cheeseburger.
And palm oil, the farming of which is responsible for 80% of the
world's deforestation between 1990 and 2008.
How is it still legal?!
No, but it is really good that it doesn't contain meat,
because I don't think people realise how much the emissions of the meat
market are affecting climate change.
According to the UN, it makes up 18% of the world's total, so that's
more than cars and planes and all other forms of transport put
together. So you've got the direct emissions.
You know, your burping and your farting from your cows.
But then there's all the land clearing and all the feed
production, food manufacturing, fertiliser production for animal
feed, pumping water for animals to drink, refrigerating the meat.
A third of all fossil fuel produced in the US goes towards
animal agriculture.Yeah, and also, back to soya, a lot of people are
like, "Oh, don't use soya milk, it's bad for the environment."
But most of soya that's grown is for cattle feed,
not for veggie options and... Oh, except that
I started drinking soya milk because everybody said it's really good for
you - I got kidney stones.
You have to have almond milk, but almond milk takes a million gallons
of water to grow one almond or something.
So almond milk is not good for the environment, because I don't want to
shock anyone, but it's a very thirsty nut, the almond.
Oat milk is the best one.
Oat milk is the most sustainable of all the alternative milks.
But, and this is not a joke, it does take ages to milk an oat.
The science of it is really new, so they've actually only developed
the process to make oat milk in the last seven or eight years.
I think in either New Zealand or Norway they can't keep up with the
demand...Something that starts with N. Yeah, exactly.
Nigeria.
Oat milk comes from Sweden. Exactly, so Sweden is very much
the lovechild of New Zealand and Norway.
I'm sure that's how the Swedes see it.
Quorn gets its name from a famous hunt.
Who searches for scollocks around a bunny hole?
See, now you've nearly said bollocks.
Is it Hugh Hefner?
It does sound like it.
We are using historical slang from Cornwall.
I can tell you that a hollibubber might search
for scollocks around a bunny hole.
So, Cornwall, what's Cornwall famous for?
Pixies.Pixies, I love that. No.
Crabs?Tin.It is quarrying.
We are in the world of quarrying. Worrying.
Scollocks are small pieces of stone which you might
find around the edge of a quarry.
The bunny hole is pretty simple, actually,
it's just the entrance to the mine or the quarry.
And the hollibubber is someone who makes a living collecting
these stones. So, we've got that.
Hollibubbers, scollocks and bunny holes.
Can you work out what any of these pieces of quarrying slang
might be used for in a sentence?
There they are.Oh, ho-ho!
Anybody want to make a sentence out of one of those words?
Dumble-hole is the online porno name that Dumbledore goes by.
Yes.
Leggo's the most fun you can have with plastic.
Leggo of me Knob, you Dumble-hole.
Or I'll Throstle you in the breast. Yeah, there you go.
They're wonderful words.
To Knob is to remove protruding pieces of stone.
No, no, it isn't.
Throstle-breast is any kind of stone which has got
a sort of spotted appearance.
Dumble-hole is sweet, isn't it? It's a derelict quarry.
So one that's no longer in use.
And Leggo is an old word for a fault in a quarry.
Quarry, of course, comes from the Latin meaning to make square.
That is, a place where square blocks of stone were made.
What was the problem with the biggest stone ever quarried?
It was really heavy.
Yes, is the right answer.
It rolled down the hill and landed on Wile E. Coyote.
No, it was too heavy to move, the largest stone ever quarried.
It was found in Lebanon in 2014.
It was named the Stone of the Pregnant Woman.
It weighs 1,650 tonnes,
which is the same as 500 elephants,
or 8.25...
Um... Camels.
Brontosauruses.
AUDIENCE:Blue whales!
Blue whales! Blue whales!
I find it very offensive that something that's big and huge and
can't be moved is called Pregnant Woman.
Why can't it just be called Fat Man?
The theory about the Pregnant Woman stone is that women who touched it
were more likely to get pregnant.
There is a Fatman Mountain in Montana.
Then I think that's fine.
But how can they say it's the biggest stone ever?
Surely that would be the Earth.
It's the biggest stone quarried. Or a cliff. Oh, quarried?
Because it had probably been cut 2,000 years ago.
It was intended for a nearby Temple of Jupiter,
but it was so big they never were able to move it.
So you can see, it has actually been cut.Oh, I see.
It's not just a random bit of earth.OK, yeah.
It's... I mean, there is a very large stone that was moved.
The largest one ever moved was called the Thunder Stone.
It was commissioned by Catherine the Great to go under a statue of
Peter the Great called The Bronze Horseman.
And legend has it that thunder actually originally split the rock.
It weighed 1,500 tonnes.
I like this. It's about eight times the weight of a bungalow.
It took 400 men nine months to move it 6km.
The workers had to - you're going to love it - dig it out of a bog.
And they basically invented the precursor to the ball bearing.
So it was a system of small bronze spheres on which it slid over the
ice to get it to St Petersburg.
And they had to keep dismantling the track behind it and laying it out in
front. It's an astonishing piece of rock. I'm very fond of Catherine
the Great, I think she's rather fine.Yeah, I mean, the only thing I
know about Catherine the Great is that she had sex with a horse.
Oh, my God!I think that's literally the only thing I know,
it's probably not true.No, it's not true at all. It's...
It's a horrible, scurrilous thing people said about her.
But she did get rid of her husband and ruled alone.
She was rather marvellous. I mean, almost certainly had him
assassinated. So I've swallowed the patriarchal gossip.Yeah.
They were trying to... OK.Yeah. The horse shagger?
But she didn't have her horse lowered onto her in a stable?
No.Sally, you've really thought about this, haven't you?
"I don't want to be a gossip, right, but I did hear that basically she
"got some guy, right, to come... I've only heard, I heard this from
"Deborah, right, so I don't know if it's true or not. They basically
"lowered a horse down onto her because she's really lonely since
"her husband left, so basically that's all I heard,
"but I don't know if it's true or not."
Isn't it extraordinary in history, that is the thing that people will
say about her, and not actually that she was an extraordinary ruler and
she managed to move that big rock?
Right, quarries, we're going back to quarries.
They can be rather dangerous places, especially abandoned ones,
because they look rather inviting.
So there was a quarry, a disused one in Buxton,
and this is not it, actually, but it had bright blue water.
And it attracted lots of swimmers.
But it gets its colour from the caustic alkaline
chemicals in the rock, it gives it a really high PH.
So it's got a PH of 11.3.
So if you imagine bleach has got a PH of 12.3.
Yeah, painful rashes is what you're going to end up with.
And they put signs up, people don't want to read signs,
people kept going, "Yay, blue water!"
And in the end, in 2013, the council opted to dye the water black.
And people went, "Oh, yeah, I'm good.
"I'm not going to go in there."
No matter how attractive they may look, stay away from Dumble-holes.
It's like a lesbian advice night.
We should do a feature,
"Lesbian advice - holes to steer clear of.
"Number one, the Dumble-hole."
You could have, like, a prog rock band with, like, a really sexy girl going like...
# Someone's got her hands in the dumble-hole
# Stay away from the dumble-holes! #
I quite like the idea of Alan hosting a lesbian advice!
Yeah, I'll do it.
I'll say, "Other advice is available."
Right, OK.
Here we go.
How can I be certain I'm not drunk right now?
Oh, it's very hard.
You know the whole smelling toast thing, like, how do I know if I'm
having a stroke? Like, one of the things is you smell toast.
So if you work in a breakfast buffet,
it must be very difficult to know if you're having a stroke.
You smell chips or you taste the need for chips or a kebab maybe?
I once... My body became a micro-brewery.
What?Yeah.
I felt terrible and a bit woozy all the time.
Was that just like a terrible yeast infection?
Yes.
In my brain, I had thrush in my brain.
What?!I know that. Which made me drunk.
Yeah, I went to... I had salmonella.
Sorry, wait, wait, wait, whoa! I went to... Whoa!Yes?
I went to Mexico with Oxfam
and they used me as a kind of test-run for Coldplay.
And so I went round
and everywhere I went, people would kill a chicken and cook it in a bin,
rolled in cocoa, and I would eat it politely
and, naturally, I got incredibly ill
and was hospitalised with salmonella.
And for many months after that, I had, like, chronic fatigue syndrome,
and no-one could work out what was wrong.
I was having tests everywhere.
And it turned out that it was yeast in my brain.
Oh, my God!Yes, so...
You could have produced sourdough in your head?
Yeah.
I was making my own alcohol. I was just pissed.
Oh, my God!Wow! All the time. But did you feel pissed?
I suppose I did, in retrospect,
but I didn't think I was,
because I wasn't drinking.
To be honest, Sally, you were great fun at the time.
I was very easy.
Can I just say that none of this is where
I was heading with this question?
Also...
..the whole question is about quartz.Quartz?
Yeah, about quartz, specifically amethyst.
What was the question again?
How can I be certain I'm not drunk right now?
Oh, right, OK.
And the answer is to do with amethyst.
So it's a violet version of quartz, and Anglican bishops traditionally
wear an amethyst ring to remind themselves that they are not drunk.
Oh, look at this!
Have you got an amethyst on? Yes. Oh, my word.
And I can tell you now that mama's been drinking and it's...
Woo! Yeah, always.
But why do you wear it, darling? Just because you think it's pretty?
No, I basically grew up a Catholic, shunned Catholicism
because I was like, that magic isn't real.
And then immediately replaced it with all sorts of, like, lady magic,
like crystals and psychics and crystal healers and energy healers,
and reading my star signs instead of the news.
The belief that amethyst keeps you sober dates back to antiquity.
It comes from the ancient Greek word, amethustos.
It translates as "not intoxicated".
Oh. And what's interesting to me
is that you have something that is ancient and comes
originally from the Greeks and then goes into traditional religion.
So bishops traditionally wear the amethyst ring to remind them that they are not drunk, that they
are filled with the Holy Spirit, is the idea. It later reminded them to not become drunk with power.
I mean, it is an absolutely beautiful thing, an amethyst.
I do believe in the power of colour
and holding something external to yourself and energy and power.
Because if you look at what powers a watch, it's just quartz.
So there is a lot of power in stones.
Other advice is available.
A bishop can tell how squiffy he is by taking a look at his ring.
But why would a Scotsman want a glass bottom?
Well, you can see through a glass bottom, can't you?You can.
Why might you want to see through a glass bottom?
We are in a particular kind of drinking done in Scotland.
Whisky drinking?
Yes, what might you drink whisky out of in Scotland?
A glass?A tumbler.
It's a special kind of cup called a quaich.A what?
It's called a quaich. Yes.Oh.
It's a shallow cup, it's used traditionally to drink whisky,
often made with a glass bottom.
That normally has mango chutney in it.
OK, so, there's some thought that Bonnie Prince Charlie
supposedly liked to see through the base of his, of his cup,
just in case his enemies were up to anything.
You can drink and still use your eyes.Yeah.
So we thought it would be great to let everybody have a drink.
Have some whisky?Yes, please. Yes, so, I'm very pleased with this.
It is Toksvig's Finest Whisky.
There you go.
This is the most, like, rock and roll QI has ever been.
There it is, there you go.
Skol, skol.
Skol.I can't open mine. Go for it. Slainte.
Slainte.Cheers.Cheers.
Another way that you might do a drink in Scotland...You might do a
drink?Well, have a drink. Have a drink.
SCOTTISH ACCENT:Hey, let's do a drink!
SCOTTISH ACCENT: Take a drink, everybody!
Why might you drink it over water?
Why might you toast over water in Scotland?
Some sort of superstition.
So we're talking 1688 when it begins.
Bonnie Prince Charlie involved? So it's the Stuarts.
Usually is.The Stuarts are exiled to France.
Their supporters in Scotland want the King to return.
He is over the water, and so you toast over the water.
Toast over the water.
And in fact the desire to suppress the spirit of rebellion in the
Jacobites was so strong that finger bowls were reportedly burned at
court from 1746 until 1905.
They were still worrying about it!
Oh!Is it good?
Yeah, it goes well with a cold veggie sausage roll.
This is the Edinburgh Festival in a nutshell.
We don't know where the quaich comes from.
The National Museum of Scotland recounts it evolved
from scallop shells. Another theory, it evolved from bleeding cups.
As in lady bleeding?!No, no.
No, bleeding somebody if they were unwell. It's OK.
You don't put that between your thighs and try and walk,
I don't think. I don't think that's a thing.
Other advice is available.
But still looking at the bottoms of drinking vessels.
The ancient Greek kylix.
So, this is a wonderful thing, it's a shallow drinking cup for wine.
It's similar to one of these cups, but it had obscene pictures
painted on the inside, which were gradually revealed.
Oh!
We've censored this, because, you know.
And they would have things like a couple having sex,
a man wiping his bottom.
Naked people. And then an eye cup.
So it's a wide mug with eyes, and sometimes a nose painted on the
outside, and it looked like you were wearing a mask when you drank it.
So great.And sometimes they painted ships on the inside,
so it looked like the ships were sailing on the wine as you drank it.
I think we should have more fun with cups.Yeah.
How great that you're drinking, you're getting pissed, and at
the bottom of the cup is something that you're probably going to do,
you know, when you've been drinking. Like an instruction manual?Yes.
Like, you know what? This is where this is heading. Ooh.
I feel like that just kind of cuts to the chase.
I would be really annoyed, though, if I got to the end of my cup,
and I was like, "So what now, I have to learn the flute as well?"
OK, so I just want to see what kind of audience we have in tonight.
Who would like us to remove the pixels? Put your hands up.
CHEERING
"Hey, brilliant."
Who is quite happy with it being censored?
Oh, my. No-one at all.
The best audience.
All right, let's remove the pixels and see what's behind.
It's going to be a flute. Literally nothing.
Aah!
Genuine disappointment. What a tease!
Well, especially for him.
Conflicts in the 18th century would end
with a great Scottish quaich-off.
GROANING Hey!I'm working.
Now, from something squiffy to something quiffy.
Who would wear a hat like this? You each have a hat.
Hilarious.Oh!
Yeah.Oh, this would be in the band we were talking about.
# Be careful of going down the Dumble-holes... #
The hair goes at the front. It suits you, darling.Thank you.Oh, my God.
You look gorgeous. Claudia Winkleman.
APPLAUSE
You look like you've been working on an airline 15 years too long.
So, around the 20th century,
close-cropped hair was absolutely de rigueur and vital for soldiers.
But if you wanted to make a fashion statement, you were allowed
one exception and it was a quiff plastered to the forehead.
Now, if you couldn't grow one, you could have a fake one,
stuck to the inside of your cap. There you go.
It was particularly popular amongst men, apparently, who'd just left...
..who'd just left military prison.
And you could use grease or soap to turn it into
a little bit of a ringlet.
I'm hyperventilating, I feel all squiffy.
Officers frowned on it, they said it was effeminate and un-soldierly.
And in fact in 1904 they were banned from wearing their caps
too far back on their heads in order to display their quiffs.
But it was young men who still wanted to look good.
Maybe it's also cos they wanted to, what the English people say, pull.
Yeah.Pull.
Here's another military hairstyle, does anybody know what this is?
A military hairstyle from somewhere that's not the West?
No, it was absolutely a critical part of Royal Navy hairstyles.
They had braids?
Well, I'm going to be honest with you, this one has actually
got braids because it's a prop left over from another show. But...
There you go. I know my hair.
They had a long ponytail at the back, it's called a queue.
It was known as a queue hairstyle.
It was standard in the Royal Navy until the early 19th century.
Today they have to have short back and sides
and properly groomed, all that kind of thing.
They specifically banned designer stubble.
They also banned hipster beards, handlebar moustaches.
I don't think they want you to look like the village people.
What about a Brazilian?
I believe the Brazilian Navy has very different rules.
They just have one strip along the top of their head.
I mean, really, what do they think it matters
if the sailors have a goatee?
You're representing your nation, I suppose it's that.
Isn't it funny that at different times throughout history,
certain types of hair or moustaches
might be representative of anarchy or conforming, depending on when?
Like say now, hipster moustaches at a time were just
exactly what everyone, in the war, just general war...
The whisky is kicking in!
I know I've got a point, but I'll be honest,
it's going to come out loose.
Those submarines, though,
they can be in the water for nine months of the year.
They don't see daylight, their friends, or anybody else.
I think if they grow a moustache, that's fair enough.
They don't have facial hair so that masks
and breathing apparatus can fit on submarines.Oh, that's a good idea.
It's a safety thing. I suppose for bacteria
and stuff like that not to get trapped in the beard.
Yeah, and you might end up with brain thrush.
Yes!
Right, hats away, please. Complete this saying.
Oh! Klaxons.
KLAXON
Very small things.
I'll tell you, because my youngest kid was reading the QI book
and she said to me, "Mama, what is seh-men?"
I'm really sorry about that.
Well, and I thought to myself, this is 7.45 in the morning,
and frankly, I don't want to tell you what seh-men is
because it's... I don't want to tell you, I'm sorry.
So I said, because I didn't know what to say, I said,
"What is the context? Read me the sentence."
And the sentence, in your QI book, was about bee semen.
Very small things. And she said, "What is that?"
I said, "Take the book to school, talk to your teacher,
"because she is paid..."
Different pronunciation of Q-I.Qi. It's in China.
It is in China, you're absolutely right. It's the state of Qi.
It's a small kingdom, existed for a really long time in China, actually.
The 11th to the third century BC.
And today they're probably best known for the Chinese idiom,
"The people of Qi worry about the sky."
What does that mean? I've no idea, but it's beautiful.It is lovely.
It basically means, don't worry about something
that is extremely unlikely to happen.
So they used to refer to the fact that the people of Qi
often talked anxiously about the sky falling on their heads.
That is something that children have worried about,
there are children's stories... Chicken Licken.
Chicken Licken, known in the United States as Chicken Little,
Henny Penny, it's known as in Denmark.
The Qi people were the first to build a great wall,
to keep out their neighbours who were called the Chu.
And it was constructed, it began in 685 BC. It went for 600km.
The Qi and the Chu sounds a bit Dr Seuss.It does, doesn't it? Yeah.
And the Qi wanted to keep out the Chu!
They were the last major state to fall to the Qin
when China was unified. What is up with this C-H...?
It's just, it's Q-I.
And then it's China. Qi, Qin, China.
Where the word China comes from is from the Qin people.Exactly.
But there's an unrelated word, qi, and that refers to the vapour
that comes off cereals as they are cooked.
And it became a sort of word for breath,
it can be translated in English as smell or spirit or atmosphere.
It's the sort of... Chi energy.The chi energy.
It's a central concept in feng shui.
Does anybody believe in feng shui?
I believe in the Hindi version which is called Vastu.
It means chuck your shit out.
If that doesn't work, eBay it.
If that doesn't work, Freecycle.
If that doesn't work, leave it in the road, someone will take it.
Apparently, one place with particularly good chi, good energy,
is Hong Kong. According to feng shui.
It has this auspicious position between the sea and the mountains.
If you look at some of the architecture,
it's the idea that the whole place allows energy to flow really freely.
And all of the architecture is designed with that in mind
including some buildings which have holes to allow dragons
who want to fly through the city.
Western practises of feng shui in interior design...
I've been practising it, honestly, since I was a kid.
I've always been interested in how space affects your feelings.
So for example, there's a version of something like,
you shouldn't have your bed facing a mirror because the idea that
you might see someone as you wake up might startle you...
You don't want to see up your husband's bum.Exactly.
That's what they don't put in the book.Other advice is available.
Now, that brings us to the round
where things are always as clear as mud, General Ignorance.
Fingers on buzzers, please.
Other than a dog,
what's the one thing you need to play a game of fetch?
Yes?An arm.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Fair enough.
What else do you need? One of those ball launcher things.
Yes, I love those.
What is the thing you don't need? You don't need a stick.
You don't need a stick. In fact, the People's Dispensary of Sick Animals
say it causes horrible injuries to dogs.
They get lodged in the throat, they get cuts.Really?!
They get splinters, it can get down into their digestive system.
What you need is a ball, and I'm going to just show you,
I think probably the finest dog in the world just catching a ball.
Let's have a... This is, er...
Aah.That is my dog Mildred.
Aah!
APPLAUSE
Isn't she gorgeous?
I think she's very clever.
What is the general thing? Do we think dogs are clever or not clever?
Super clever.Super clever.
Doesn't it depend on the dog, like with humans?
No, it depends on whether you like dogs, really.Yes.
Fundamentally. So they've done lots of analysis of all the different
studies of dogs, and they're of average intelligence, frankly,
compared with similar animals like...
LAUGHTER
But people who like dogs will say it's great.
Most authors who want to set out to prove that dogs are really
smart already think so. But then that's the same as humans,
isn't it? There are some real dum-dums out there, guys.
Absolutely.
Many vets say that playing fetch can be dangerous,
though they can expect to get a bit of stick.
LAUGHTER
Right, here's another controversial idea.
What's so wasteful about this fruit?
Yes, darling?
It's all wrapped in things that are bad for the environment.
OK, so, here's the thing, we're not going to klaxon this one,
but it is an interesting point, rather than a trick question.
So, here's one of the biggest problems in the West is about
throwing away food. According to some environmentalists,
the carbon release associated with food waste is a much greater
problem than any pollution caused by plastic waste.
And here's the thing - sometimes wrapped in plastic is a GOOD thing.
It can be a very efficient way to keep food fresh.
So, a shrink-wrapped cucumber will last four times longer
than one that is just loose.
Bananas in a perforated plastic bag will last
twice as long as a loose bunch.
And pears in a plastic bag in a fridge will last
14 days longer than left loose in a fruit bowl.
So, the best idea is not to buy food
that you're going to throw out at all.
Also, edible packaging is the future.Yes.OK.
Now when they deliver the newspaper,
it comes in something made out of potatoes.Does it?
Yeah, and you have to stuff it in your veg recycling.
Oh, I did not know people still had newspapers delivered. There we are.
LAUGHTER
Plastic is undoubtedly bad for the environment, but it can be good
for making your fruit last longer.
Which Chinese dynasty made the most valuable vases?
Ming.
KLAXON
Yes?Quing.
LAUGHTER
Well, we will get there eventually.
Queef!
Bling.It rhymes with "bling". Ping.
SHE LAUGHS
Thing.Thing, I like thing.
Most expensive Chinese item ever sold at auction is a Qing vase.
It went for �43 million in 2010.
Here's the thing about it - a brother and sister found it
in their parents' attic in West London.
Nobody knew how it had ended up there.
And if you look at it, it's full of holes.
It's not even a very good vase, is it?!
The most expensive Ming vase sold in 2011 for a mere 17.25 million.
Who's paying this money for a vase?
It's insane.In the end, it's only worth what someone will hand over.
Yeah. So, these are the different ones.
There's a Ding on the left. Are you kidding?
A Ming and a Qing.
These are all different types.
Ding are the cheapest, they're the ones on the left.
There was one bought for 3 at a yard sale in New York,
and it sold for 2.2 million.
SHE GASPS Whoa!
But you can see the decoration is strikingly less intricate
than the Ming and the Qing. And it also has no holes,
so who's going to waste money on that vase, right?
It is always like when one of those goes onto Antiques Roadshow,
I'm always waiting for someone to go...
MULTIPLE BLEEPS
What?!
Like, there's no way I would be like, "Yeah, I bought this
"for three quid in New York and now it's what, 2.2 million?"
BLEEPS
Are you...kidding me?!
Oh, my...
And by that, I mean, "lovely stuff, great."
LAUGHTER
Well, they say that, and they say,
"OK, we're going to have to do the reaction again."Yeah.
LAUGHTER
"So would you mind saying, 'Oh, I wouldn't dream of selling it.' "
LAUGHTER
"It belonged to my grandmother."
So, the high price is put down now to patriotism of the newly
wealthy Chinese collectors, cos a lot of it came to Europe
and now they want to have it back. But the worst story about these
fabulous vases was in 2006, I don't know if you remember,
there were three Qing vases in the Fitzwilliam Museum in Cambridge.
They were on a staircase and a member of the public
was coming down the staircase and stumbled. Oh, stop!Yeah!
Smashed them.
"The visitor tumbled down the right-hand flight of stairs
"then along the windowsill from right to left,
"colliding with each vase in turn.
"The impact reduced them to rubble and scattered them
"across the landing and the stairs." Was it Fiona Bruce?It wasn't.
LAUGHTER
What is amazing about this picture,
this is the vases after they've been restored.
Do you not think that is a remarkable...?They mended them?
Yeah, they mended them. You know, I have to tell my mum that.Yeah.
She was here. This story had come out and I was like,
"Oh, my God, Mummy, that's terrible." And she said, "Who fell down?
"Who fell on the vase? Did they kill him?"
LAUGHTER
So I'm going to tell her. Yeah, it's all fine.
They look so pretty now they're back.
When you're in a shop and you knock something over,
there's a moment where you go, "Arrrgh..."
And you look up at the person in the shop and they're like,
"Ahhhh..."
"Am I going to...
"..have to..."
SQUEAKING:"..pay for it?"
If you knock something over in a shop,
the moment you knock it over, you have to go like this.
"Oh, you little bastard! Where's he gone?!"
LAUGHTER
There's a little kid, a silly little kid just knocked something over!
I'll go outside and look for him.
LAUGHTER
Other advice is available.
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
Right, where's the traditional place
for Irishmen to celebrate Paddy's Day?
In a pub?
KLAXON
Well. Why not the pub? In England?
Alan, why not the pub?
Why not the pub?
Cos it's a holy day. Yeah, it's a holy day.
It's St Patrick's Day, March 17th.
All pubs in Ireland used to be closed, 1927 to 1960.
It usually falls on Lent and all alcohol sales, under the same kind
of law, were banned on Good Friday, for even longer, 1927 to 2017.
However, there was one place in Ireland where you could buy
a drink on that day, and it was the Royal Dublin Dog Show.
It was historically a Protestant community event.
But everybody went,
because whether you're a dog-lover or not...
LAUGHTER
Very funny. ..because you could get a drink.
I love that.
DRUNKEN IRISH ACCENT:"I love dogs, I've always loved dogs.
"I love dogs and St Patrick."
The great Irish poet Brendan Behan is supposed to have abducted
a stray poodle in order to get into the members' lounge.
And Patrick Kavanagh, another great Irish poet,
he rented a dog from a woman so that he could go.
But I love that. Do you think, that should still be going on now,
I think, don't you? That people should have to bend the rules,
find a dog to get a drink. It'd be rather fine.
You know there was that time, that awful time in British history
where in a lot of pubs and venues they'd say, "No blacks, no dogs,
no Irish". And I always think, that feels like the stupidest thing
in the world, cos can you imagine a pub with just black people,
just Irish people and just dogs?
Like, that's the most craic I've ever heard in my life.
LAUGHTER Is there still that thing in Dublin
that they have singing and non-singing pubs?
Irish people naturally all think they're great singers,
cos of a natural sadness in our necks.
Like, give me a song, give me any song that I might know the words to
and I'll show you what I mean. Twinkle, Twinkle.
# Twinkle, twinkle little star
# How I wonder what you are. #
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
The Danes would just be sitting in the corner crying, going,
DANISH ACCENT: "She's absolutely right."
LAUGHTER
Which brings us to the messy matter of the scores.
In first place, emerging completely unsoiled, oh,
with five points, it's Sally.
APPLAUSE
In second place, with four whole points, Aisling.
APPLAUSE Yay!
In penultimate place, with minus 17, Alan.
APPLAUSE
And in last place, for Pete's sake, with minus 27, Sindhu!
APPLAUSE
Thank you to Sindhu, Aisling, Sally and Alan.
And goodnight.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING