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This programme contains
some strong language

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Hello, and welcome to the QI
compilation show -

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my quirky patchwork quilt
of favourite moments

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and deleted bits from the series.

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Cue the first clip.

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Quorum sensing was very first
observed in the 1970s.

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There are some bacteria called
Vibrio fischeri,

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and they live in the bodies of the
Hawaiian bobtail squid.

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Isn't that beautiful?
Wow. Hmm.

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So, the squid gives them
accommodation

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and sugar and amino acid for food

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and, in return, the bacteria gives
the squid

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the most ingenious defence
mechanism,

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by glowing - all of them,
all at once -

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and generating bioluminescence.

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That seems like a really fair
payment. Yeah, yeah.

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Like, you get that incredible party
trick

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just from getting some bact...

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like, if I got that every time
I'd had thrush, I would...

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I am so in love with the idea
of getting thrush

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and suddenly being bioluminescent.
Yeah.

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It would definitely be, literally,
the silver lining.

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Yes.

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The two most popular Quality Street
chocolates

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are the purple ones
and the green triangles.

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And these should appear,
by preference,

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11 times in the box.

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They actually appear just five
to six times. Oh.

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And it's the same with Heroes -
Wispas, Twirls...

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No wonder this country's
the way it is.

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The most uninspiring country
in the world.

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"Oh, just the green one, please.

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"The green triangle that doesn't
really taste of anything."

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Do you not have favourites?

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I hit the toffee finger,
I hit the caramel.

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Those ones are delicious.
They're the same.

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They are not the same.
That's racist.

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The toffee one's a lot firmer,

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the caramel one's nice and soft.

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Give that to an old man with
dentures,

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ask him if they're the same!

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I just didn't expect, when I started
on this show,

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that I would watch James call
Bridget a racist.

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Absolutely appalling, what you just
said about

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toffee fingers and caramel cups.

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I like that everybody's got a line
that they draw somewhere.

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I got stuck on a roller-coaster
at Alton Towers.

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Oh, see, my idea of hell.

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Yeah. I got stuck in the Black Hole.

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What?!

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This is the kind of audience
I want for my anecdotes!

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What is the Black Hole, darling?

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It's a roller-coaster in the dark.
No! Nightmare.

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If I'd have been there, you would
have felt a hell of a lot happier.

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JOSH LAUGHS

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Lighting it up.

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And it's one of those
roller-coasters

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where you're straddling someone.

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Sorry, what?
ALAN: Hang on a minute.

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So, you get on and you're both in
like a cart

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and one of you has to sit with your
legs out

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and then the other kind of sits...
Oh, OK.

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You were the one with the legs out?
I was the one with the legs out.

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Were you with a stranger?
Yes!

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Oh!
Why...? Where were your friends?!

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Because I was in a three, and those
two paired-up.

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Aah, OK.

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And I wasn't going to, like, miss
out on the Black Hole.

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And then we just ran out
of momentum.

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I mean, the cart, not, like,
the conversation.

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And we were there for about five
minutes, just sat there.

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At one point, you could hear the
other carts coming down.

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It was absolutely terrifying.
Oh, my God.

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And then they got us off in the end
and they went,

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"You can have free tickets to go
again."

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We were like, "No!"
No! No, no.

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Just the guy who had a soaking wet
back

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from where you pissed yourself.

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So a nuclear chain reaction
typically takes

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50 to 100 shakes.

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What?

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God! I'm going to get this really
wrong.

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ALAN: Go on, then.
Go on, then. We'll enjoy it.

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Here comes some more racism,
I imagine.

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APPLAUSE

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It would be so beautiful,
it would be like...

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..those...

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..fountains in...

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What are those fountains called in
Las Vegas?

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Where they...?
AUDIENCE: Bellagio.

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Bellagio! My God, I cried when
I saw those.

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Oh, wow.

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Are they the ones where they fire
out and land in a hole?

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No.

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They're my favourite fountains.

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Honest to God, it's like being
in an old people's home.

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"He toured the Middle East, did he?"

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"He toured the Middle East."
"Right."

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"I saw a fountain once."
"Did you?!"

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OK, so...

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So he toured the Middle East?
..he toured the Middle East.

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"Tell us about the dark room again."
ALAN LAUGHS

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Er...

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"When are we going on a
roller-coaster?"

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"You said we was going
on a roller-coaster!"

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"I never pissed myself."

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"I've got thrush."

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I love, love, love the music
to James Bond.

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Let's have a quick listen to the
original James Bond theme.

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MUSIC: James Bond Theme
by Monty Norman

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The composer is a man called
Monty Norman,

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and it actually comes from a song
about a man

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with an unlucky sneeze,

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which he reworked into the
James Bond theme.

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It was originally called Bad Sign,
Good Sign,

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and it didn't sound at all like the
original song.

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Have a listen to this.

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MUSIC: Good Sign, Bad Sign
by Monty Norman

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SITAR PLAYS

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Can I have some onion bhajis,
please?

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# I was born with this unlucky
sneeze,

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# And what is worse, I came into the
world the wrong way round

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# Pundits all agree... #
OK, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop.

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Oh, this is surely bullshit?
No, this is true.

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VS Naipaul's novel,
A House For Mr Biswas,

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is a wonderful novel,

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and Mr Biswas has a terrible sneeze
and it's unlucky for him.

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And Monty Norman wrote a musical
version of this,

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which was not a huge success.

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He was later hired to write the
music for the first Bond film,

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which was Dr No.

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He re-worked the theme tune into the
James Bond theme tune.

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So we thought we'd do a bit of...

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I'm going to call it Quaraoke
because it starts with a Q.

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We're going to try and see
if we can sing

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the original James Bond theme tune.

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So the words are going to come
up on the screen for you.

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Let's all get ready.

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# I was born with this unlucky
sneeze

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# And what is worse, I came into the
world the wrong way round

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# Pundits all agree that I'm the
reason why

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# My father fell
into the village pond

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# And drowned. #

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I sort of feel like I'd be naturally
good in emergencies.

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Like, I can't speak Spanish now,
but I feel like,

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if there was an emergency, I
probably could give it a go.

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Yeah? What kind of emergency
suddenly requires Spanish?

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I feel like the Spanish girl,
Sandi,

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she's come in, she's choking, no-one
else in the hospital speaks Spanish.

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Right. Something's wrong with her.

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She can mime, but we're not
getting it. No.

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They haven't trained like me in the
dramatic art of mime.

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ALAN: Of course.

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So she'd be like...
SHE SPEAKS FAKE SPANISH

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"Paella...

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"..Amaretto...

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"..Madrid...

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"..Venezuela..."

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And I'm like, "Don't worry"

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SHE SPEAKS FAKE SPANISH

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"Penicillin?"

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"Yeah, Penicillin!"

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And then it'll just be like that
for...

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That poor child is dying and you're
the last thing she sees.

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Has anyone ever done a poem about
jackdaws and back doors?

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Cos if they haven't, I'm going to do
one before the end of the show.

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Yeah, you write one.

168
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It's really bothering me that it
sounds so like a back door.

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The jackdaw and the back door does
sound like some kind of reverse.

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They go together.
Yes, they do.

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Right, you do that, we'll do
the next question on our own.

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"Jackdaw, back door, lack more,
smack whore."

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That's where I've got to.

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What sort of...?
Seashore! Seashore...

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Crack whore!

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I'm thinking... Crack whore is what
I'm thinking, isn't it?

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What about be poor?

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Be... be poor? No, it's got to be...
Yeah? No? Why am I joining in?!

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"She sells sea shells down by the
crack whore...

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"Here comes a jackdaw flying in the
back door."

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You carry on, darling.

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I've never been happier.
Dopamine, dopamine.

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Dopamine, dopamine.

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Hacksaw?

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Oh!

186
00:09:07,947 --> 00:09:09,826
Oh, my goodness!

187
00:09:09,827 --> 00:09:12,067
Hang on, I'm looking at Jimmy -
tax law!

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JIMMY LAUGHS

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Right, you've got one egg,
one half-cup of buttermilk,

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00:09:21,907 --> 00:09:24,386
five teaspoons of baking soda,
one half-teaspoon of vanilla,

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one cup of lemon juice, one cup
and a quarter of sugar,

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00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,466
seven-eighths of a cup of
all-purpose flour

193
00:09:28,467 --> 00:09:30,106
and eight tablespoons
of melted butter.

194
00:09:30,107 --> 00:09:31,946
Prue, what are the instructions,
please?

195
00:09:31,947 --> 00:09:35,507
All right. In a small bowl,
beat the egg until foamy.

196
00:09:39,427 --> 00:09:42,507
Do you mean, like, the egg's foamy,
or until you're foamy?

197
00:09:44,027 --> 00:09:46,187
And now you've got to beat it up.

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00:09:47,707 --> 00:09:50,667
Until it's foamy.
Come on! Foam up, you bastard!

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00:09:54,347 --> 00:09:56,186
That looks foamy,
what do we reckon?

200
00:09:56,187 --> 00:09:57,986
Is that foamy?
OK, now...

201
00:09:57,987 --> 00:10:01,386
All right... Put it in a pan
and get the beans warmed up.

202
00:10:01,387 --> 00:10:02,587
No, no.

203
00:10:05,867 --> 00:10:07,786
Add the buttermilk and vanilla.

204
00:10:07,787 --> 00:10:09,506
Which one's the buttermilk?
That white one.

205
00:10:09,507 --> 00:10:11,306
Is that it? Ooh, it's gloopy!

206
00:10:11,307 --> 00:10:13,786
And blend it well.
Yeah. And the vanilla, darling.

207
00:10:13,787 --> 00:10:15,706
Is that the vanilla?
Yes. That's vanilla, yeah.

208
00:10:15,707 --> 00:10:17,426
I was hoping that was a shot
of Glenfiddich.

209
00:10:17,427 --> 00:10:18,986
Other whiskies are available.

210
00:10:18,987 --> 00:10:20,266
Sandi?
Yeah?

211
00:10:20,267 --> 00:10:21,466
Can I lick the bowl, Sandi?

212
00:10:21,467 --> 00:10:24,426
Not at the minute. We've got a bit
more work to do. Thank you, Sandi.

213
00:10:24,427 --> 00:10:28,506
Add the baking soda one teaspoon
at a time,

214
00:10:28,507 --> 00:10:31,866
sprinkling it and beating
until the mixture is smooth

215
00:10:31,867 --> 00:10:34,146
and the consistency of light cream.

216
00:10:34,147 --> 00:10:36,266
Alan, you can do this.
Right, and beating.

217
00:10:36,267 --> 00:10:39,107
Sandi, you should keep that other
show where it belongs.

218
00:10:45,667 --> 00:10:47,906
Where is your teaspoon?
Let me help you.

219
00:10:47,907 --> 00:10:49,106
Oh, thank you.

220
00:10:49,107 --> 00:10:52,386
There we go, sprinkling it in.
How much baking soda?

221
00:10:52,387 --> 00:10:54,306
The whole lot?
All of it.

222
00:10:54,307 --> 00:10:55,786
Let's get...
OK.

223
00:10:55,787 --> 00:10:58,466
That's cheating. Thankfully, there's
some skills I had as a young man

224
00:10:58,467 --> 00:11:00,906
that have come in useful.

225
00:11:00,907 --> 00:11:03,067
OK...
I worked in a baker's!

226
00:11:07,587 --> 00:11:10,026
Listen.
Right, now what?

227
00:11:10,027 --> 00:11:12,067
I used to charge a fiver for this.
Now...

228
00:11:20,027 --> 00:11:22,027
You had to have the right money.

229
00:11:25,467 --> 00:11:28,107
Oh, there was a queue
round the block, Alan.

230
00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:31,186
Yeah, OK, so done that.
Yeah.

231
00:11:31,187 --> 00:11:33,066
Pour the mixture into the beaker.

232
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:35,026
Oh, a beaker, is it?

233
00:11:35,027 --> 00:11:37,066
Hmm.

234
00:11:37,067 --> 00:11:38,266
OK?
Yeah.

235
00:11:38,267 --> 00:11:39,546
Pour that in there.

236
00:11:39,547 --> 00:11:41,066
ALAN SLURPS

237
00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:43,826
"Argh!

238
00:11:43,827 --> 00:11:45,986
"We don't want to go
in a beaker!"

239
00:11:45,987 --> 00:11:48,026
"Go in the beaker!

240
00:11:48,027 --> 00:11:49,626
"Go in the beaker!"

241
00:11:49,627 --> 00:11:52,907
"No, we want to be back in our
individual bowls!"

242
00:11:54,307 --> 00:11:56,426
OK...
Do you ever cook with your children?

243
00:11:56,427 --> 00:11:57,787
Yes, frequently.

244
00:12:00,027 --> 00:12:02,227
They like the process, but they
won't eat any of it.

245
00:12:03,787 --> 00:12:07,626
OK, add the lemon juice all at once
and blend into the mixture.

246
00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:10,106
Blend? How do you...? Oh, no, I've
spilt some in the egg cup!?

247
00:12:10,107 --> 00:12:11,586
Oh!

248
00:12:11,587 --> 00:12:13,627
ALL: Whoa!

249
00:12:16,147 --> 00:12:19,107
APPLAUSE

250
00:12:22,707 --> 00:12:24,227
That worked a treat.

251
00:12:25,787 --> 00:12:27,066
Oh, that was great.

252
00:12:27,067 --> 00:12:28,946
That was fab, wasn't it?
That was really good.

253
00:12:28,947 --> 00:12:30,306
It was fab.

254
00:12:30,307 --> 00:12:31,466
It's not real food?
No, darling.

255
00:12:31,467 --> 00:12:33,347
This is bullshit!

256
00:12:38,187 --> 00:12:40,786
I mean, Irish people naturally all
think they're great singers,

257
00:12:40,787 --> 00:12:42,826
cos of a natural sadness
in our necks.

258
00:12:42,827 --> 00:12:45,706
Give me a song. Give me any song
that I might know the words to

259
00:12:45,707 --> 00:12:48,106
and I'll show you what I mean.
Er, Twinkle, Twinkle.

260
00:12:48,107 --> 00:12:52,626
IN THE STYLE OF IRISH FOLK
# Twinkle, twinkle, little star

261
00:12:52,627 --> 00:12:56,667
# How I wonder what you are. #

262
00:12:59,787 --> 00:13:01,147
It just comes out.

263
00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:08,066
Now, for a bit of role-play.

264
00:13:08,067 --> 00:13:10,466
Three of you have got police hats
under your desk.

265
00:13:10,467 --> 00:13:12,666
Ade, I want you to play good cop.

266
00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:14,066
Holly, you play bad cop.

267
00:13:14,067 --> 00:13:15,586
Alan, you're going to be normal cop.

268
00:13:15,587 --> 00:13:17,066
ADE: I know, it's good, here we go.

269
00:13:17,067 --> 00:13:18,826
I don't have the voice to play
a bad cop.

270
00:13:18,827 --> 00:13:20,066
"Go for it."

271
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:22,706
I can't.. Like, I just can't swear
with this voice.

272
00:13:22,707 --> 00:13:25,066
It's just sort of like,
"Give me your fucking secrets!"

273
00:13:25,067 --> 00:13:26,747
It just sounds delightful.

274
00:13:29,387 --> 00:13:30,866
Nish has a secret.
Oh.

275
00:13:30,867 --> 00:13:33,826
I want the three of you to find
out what it is, please.

276
00:13:33,827 --> 00:13:35,427
You look like a traffic warden.

277
00:13:39,507 --> 00:13:41,867
Right... He looks like someone
from the Village People.

278
00:13:43,307 --> 00:13:45,427
I think he's about to go
to a hen night and strip.

279
00:13:47,107 --> 00:13:49,026
Right, Nish is in the spotlight.
Oh, my God!

280
00:13:49,027 --> 00:13:50,426
He's got a secret. Come on.

281
00:13:50,427 --> 00:13:52,747
This is American immigration
all over again.

282
00:13:55,147 --> 00:13:57,827
I know you've got something
going on, mate.

283
00:14:05,787 --> 00:14:07,787
Wow!
No, leave it, you've gone too far.

284
00:14:09,707 --> 00:14:13,066
Oh, we're a comedian, are we?!

285
00:14:13,067 --> 00:14:15,346
Actually, yes.

286
00:14:15,347 --> 00:14:16,706
Now, you be nice. Be nice.

287
00:14:16,707 --> 00:14:19,187
It's a lovely beard you have there,
Nish.

288
00:14:20,427 --> 00:14:22,186
Thanks very much, Ade.
I've had it combed.

289
00:14:22,187 --> 00:14:25,026
And I also really love the fact that
you've turned your policeman hat

290
00:14:25,027 --> 00:14:27,186
backwards and are wearing it like
Samuel L Jackson...

291
00:14:27,187 --> 00:14:29,066
Hey, guys!
That's what I'm talking about.

292
00:14:29,067 --> 00:14:30,386
Hashtag time's up!

293
00:14:30,387 --> 00:14:32,227
We can't flirt at work any more!

294
00:14:34,147 --> 00:14:36,626
Wait, hang on, you're supposed to be
the bad cop!

295
00:14:36,627 --> 00:14:39,107
All right... Sonny Jim.

296
00:14:43,507 --> 00:14:44,826
Sonny Jim?!

297
00:14:44,827 --> 00:14:46,666
This is just bizarre.

298
00:14:46,667 --> 00:14:51,466
I'm sorry about this, Mr Kumar,
she's an absolute nightmare.

299
00:14:51,467 --> 00:14:54,907
It's like being interrogated by
Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins.

300
00:14:57,547 --> 00:14:59,986
Just tell us what the secret is
and I'll call her off. Yeah.

301
00:14:59,987 --> 00:15:01,346
I haven't got a secret!

302
00:15:01,347 --> 00:15:03,426
I'm an upstanding member of society.

303
00:15:03,427 --> 00:15:04,746
I've not even taken cocaine,

304
00:15:04,747 --> 00:15:08,506
in spite of the size and volume
of my nose!

305
00:15:08,507 --> 00:15:11,746
Good cop?
Er, tell us your secret.

306
00:15:11,747 --> 00:15:14,706
No, that's not good.
Good would be like,

307
00:15:14,707 --> 00:15:17,066
"Listen, sir, I'm terribly sorry
to bring you in here.".

308
00:15:17,067 --> 00:15:19,226
Have we switched round?
Oh, we're switching round.

309
00:15:19,227 --> 00:15:21,107
"Tell us your secret, you!"

310
00:15:24,427 --> 00:15:26,107
"Sonny Jim!"

311
00:15:27,987 --> 00:15:29,506
Are you going to confess?

312
00:15:29,507 --> 00:15:35,106
I will confess to farting in Sandi's
dressing room.

313
00:15:35,107 --> 00:15:36,946
Oh, my God!

314
00:15:36,947 --> 00:15:41,226
"Nish farted in Sandi's..."
Are you getting him to sign it?

315
00:15:41,227 --> 00:15:43,947
"You have a right to remain silent
but violent!"

316
00:15:46,507 --> 00:15:49,546
I'm really worried, Holly,
you're getting into it now.

317
00:15:49,547 --> 00:15:50,947
"Shut your face!"

318
00:15:58,707 --> 00:16:01,546
I had a situation where I was flying
back from Portugal

319
00:16:01,547 --> 00:16:04,746
on quite a well-known bargain
airline

320
00:16:04,747 --> 00:16:07,946
and then I had to go straight off
to do some work.

321
00:16:07,947 --> 00:16:11,346
So I wanted to sleep on the almost
three hours of the plane.

322
00:16:11,347 --> 00:16:14,386
On the other side of the aisle seat
there was a Portuguese lady

323
00:16:14,387 --> 00:16:17,786
and her two-, three-year-old son,
who had an iPad.

324
00:16:17,787 --> 00:16:19,586
And the iPad was on and
it was going,

325
00:16:19,587 --> 00:16:24,266
"Ding-ba-bing-bong-di-bong..."

326
00:16:24,267 --> 00:16:25,467
I love that game.

327
00:16:27,107 --> 00:16:28,947
It sounds like he was doing
pretty well.

328
00:16:30,027 --> 00:16:31,786
I had a brand-new set of headphones,

329
00:16:31,787 --> 00:16:34,546
but I couldn't converse
with this lady

330
00:16:34,547 --> 00:16:38,626
so I went to the crew, who were also
Portuguese, at the back, and I went,

331
00:16:38,627 --> 00:16:40,746
"I've got these headphones, there's
a situation.

332
00:16:40,747 --> 00:16:42,906
"I really need sleep and I'm very
happy for...

333
00:16:42,907 --> 00:16:45,146
"They can keep the headphones,
I totally understand.

334
00:16:45,147 --> 00:16:47,066
"I'm a parent myself,
keeping kids distracted,

335
00:16:47,067 --> 00:16:48,506
"but, you know, I really need
sleep."

336
00:16:48,507 --> 00:16:50,226
He went, "No problem, no problem."

337
00:16:50,227 --> 00:16:55,986
He goes down there and he snatches
the iPad off her and goes,

338
00:16:55,987 --> 00:16:59,946
"No! No! No!"

339
00:16:59,947 --> 00:17:03,226
And then he takes the iPad and he
bonks her over the head with it.

340
00:17:03,227 --> 00:17:05,186
Oh, my goodness!

341
00:17:05,187 --> 00:17:07,946
Then he turns around to me, he went,
"Enjoy your flight."

342
00:17:07,947 --> 00:17:09,987
Oh, no!

343
00:17:16,067 --> 00:17:18,306
Who drank the very first cup of tea?
Where do you reckon?

344
00:17:18,307 --> 00:17:19,546
ALAN: Probably in China.

345
00:17:19,547 --> 00:17:21,106
You're absolutely right, it's China.

346
00:17:21,107 --> 00:17:22,626
Well, it's a Chinese legend.

347
00:17:22,627 --> 00:17:27,666
There was Chinese emperor in 2737 BC
called Shennong,

348
00:17:27,667 --> 00:17:31,426
and he was sitting under a tree and
his servant was boiling some water,

349
00:17:31,427 --> 00:17:33,346
and some leaves,
apparently from the tree,

350
00:17:33,347 --> 00:17:35,746
blew into the water and he thought,
"I'll have that."

351
00:17:35,747 --> 00:17:38,466
"I'm not re-boiling the kettle now."
"No, it's boiled now.

352
00:17:38,467 --> 00:17:40,266
"That took ages to boil that up.
Yeah.

353
00:17:40,267 --> 00:17:42,306
"Now the leaf's gone in it!"
"And I was watching it."

354
00:17:42,307 --> 00:17:44,506
"Shall I fish it out or leave it?
I'll leave it in."

355
00:17:44,507 --> 00:17:45,746
Leave it in.
"A bit stronger."

356
00:17:45,747 --> 00:17:46,946
Yeah.

357
00:17:46,947 --> 00:17:49,186
So, actually, if you go right back
there,

358
00:17:49,187 --> 00:17:51,306
it is tea first, milk...
Milk second.

359
00:17:51,307 --> 00:17:52,626
Milk never.

360
00:17:52,627 --> 00:17:54,906
Tea first... "Milk?!"

361
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,226
"Putting milk in it? It's already
got leaves in it!"

362
00:17:57,227 --> 00:17:59,746
So how did they find out that you
can have milk in tea?

363
00:17:59,747 --> 00:18:05,026
Was he drinking tea and a cow just
went past and, like...

364
00:18:05,027 --> 00:18:06,547
..squirted a bit in?

365
00:18:08,707 --> 00:18:09,906
Is it like that?

366
00:18:09,907 --> 00:18:11,146
Eureka!

367
00:18:11,147 --> 00:18:12,947
It's a milkmaid having a cup of tea.

368
00:18:19,667 --> 00:18:22,106
I love your... You don't want to dip
the teat in though, do you?

369
00:18:22,107 --> 00:18:23,626
No.
In your kettle.

370
00:18:23,627 --> 00:18:24,946
Ooh, listen to them all.

371
00:18:24,947 --> 00:18:26,986
The empathy with the udder there.

372
00:18:26,987 --> 00:18:29,747
Ooh! Can you imagine your own
udders going in?

373
00:18:31,467 --> 00:18:34,066
Oh! I think it's fair to say
you probably can't.

374
00:18:34,067 --> 00:18:35,107
Er...

375
00:18:37,067 --> 00:18:40,306
I think honey's nicer than jam.

376
00:18:40,307 --> 00:18:42,627
I do like...
Now, at last, the big question!

377
00:18:44,747 --> 00:18:47,466
It's the sort of thing...
Is honey nicer than jam?

378
00:18:47,467 --> 00:18:49,106
Or what about marmalade?

379
00:18:49,107 --> 00:18:50,986
No. No, get out.

380
00:18:50,987 --> 00:18:53,186
Oh, God! Marmalade's amazing!
Get out of town.

381
00:18:53,187 --> 00:18:55,026
I love marmalade.
No. No, waste of time.

382
00:18:55,027 --> 00:18:58,106
Do you like it with the
rindy, peely in? No!

383
00:18:58,107 --> 00:19:00,506
Yeah.
You like it... No?

384
00:19:00,507 --> 00:19:02,186
AUDIENCE: Yes.
Yes!

385
00:19:02,187 --> 00:19:03,906
All right, all right, let's have...
Shh!

386
00:19:03,907 --> 00:19:05,746
This is how they're going
to decide Brexit.

387
00:19:05,747 --> 00:19:08,786
We'll vote. The point is, if this
country means anything,

388
00:19:08,787 --> 00:19:11,706
we're only allowed one spread
from here on in.

389
00:19:11,707 --> 00:19:14,066
Yeah. How many people
like marmalade?

390
00:19:14,067 --> 00:19:16,106
Let's have a quick vote.
How many of you like...?

391
00:19:16,107 --> 00:19:18,186
Loads of people like marmalade.
Hang on, hang on.

392
00:19:18,187 --> 00:19:21,746
And, of that group, how many of you
like it with the rind in?

393
00:19:21,747 --> 00:19:24,026
Oh, mostly everybody.
Any sort, any sort.

394
00:19:24,027 --> 00:19:26,066
And who doesn't like marmalade?
AUDIENCE: Yeah!

395
00:19:26,067 --> 00:19:27,786
Yay!

396
00:19:27,787 --> 00:19:29,107
What is wrong with you?!

397
00:19:31,067 --> 00:19:34,786
The people who like... Who don't
like marmalade...

398
00:19:34,787 --> 00:19:38,706
People who like marmalade...
Don't, you're not involved,

399
00:19:38,707 --> 00:19:41,066
People who don't like marmalade,
do you like jam?

400
00:19:41,067 --> 00:19:42,346
Yes.

401
00:19:42,347 --> 00:19:45,067
No, put your hands up, you fools!
SANDI LAUGHS

402
00:19:47,027 --> 00:19:49,826
Yeah. The people who like marmalade,
put their hands up.

403
00:19:49,827 --> 00:19:51,467
People who like jam, shout.

404
00:19:53,507 --> 00:19:55,347
Because we're sick of your shit!

405
00:19:56,907 --> 00:19:59,186
That's why. Let's see what people
who like honey do.

406
00:19:59,187 --> 00:20:00,387
The people...

407
00:20:02,667 --> 00:20:04,066
Who likes honey?

408
00:20:04,067 --> 00:20:05,706
AUDIENCE CHEERS

409
00:20:05,707 --> 00:20:08,866
They do both.
They do both!

410
00:20:08,867 --> 00:20:11,986
Because it's in between marmalade
and jam, it turns out.

411
00:20:11,987 --> 00:20:14,226
It's where the two sides meet.

412
00:20:14,227 --> 00:20:15,907
It's the Lib Dems of the...

413
00:20:23,107 --> 00:20:25,786
The way different people queue
around the world

414
00:20:25,787 --> 00:20:27,706
can lead to problems.

415
00:20:27,707 --> 00:20:30,186
I had a friend of mine, recently,
in Manchester,

416
00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:31,506
he went to use a cash machine.

417
00:20:31,507 --> 00:20:34,746
When he got there, there was a man
already using the machine.

418
00:20:34,747 --> 00:20:37,386
And, six foot behind the man,
there was a woman

419
00:20:37,387 --> 00:20:38,826
sort of waiting her turn.

420
00:20:38,827 --> 00:20:41,066
So, he says, "Are you in the queue
for the cash machine?"

421
00:20:41,067 --> 00:20:43,346
And she says, "I'm Nigerian and my
religious beliefs are

422
00:20:43,347 --> 00:20:45,666
"because I don't know this man
and we're not related

423
00:20:45,667 --> 00:20:47,946
"this is the distance that I feel
safe and respectful

424
00:20:47,947 --> 00:20:49,266
"to what I believe in."

425
00:20:49,267 --> 00:20:51,146
Because Steve's a very thoughtful
person,

426
00:20:51,147 --> 00:20:55,146
he then stands six foot away
from her, you know?

427
00:20:55,147 --> 00:20:58,586
It's like a 12-foot, three-person
queue out of nowhere.

428
00:20:58,587 --> 00:21:00,586
Then the man moved and the woman
moved to the machine

429
00:21:00,587 --> 00:21:01,866
to do her money business.

430
00:21:01,867 --> 00:21:04,786
Steve then stayed the six foot
behind. Yeah, perfectly nice.

431
00:21:04,787 --> 00:21:06,426
He was in sort of a little daydream,

432
00:21:06,427 --> 00:21:08,866
then another man come over and said,
"Are you in the queue?"

433
00:21:08,867 --> 00:21:12,706
He went to explain but, not loaded
with all the information, said,

434
00:21:12,707 --> 00:21:15,747
"I am, yeah, but I'm standing here
because she's Nigerian."

435
00:21:23,067 --> 00:21:25,106
So this is a very sweet story, OK?

436
00:21:25,107 --> 00:21:26,746
This is the story of Romeo.
Aw.

437
00:21:26,747 --> 00:21:28,466
A Sehuencas frog.

438
00:21:28,467 --> 00:21:31,066
So he has been living in a tank
in Bolivia,

439
00:21:31,067 --> 00:21:33,666
in the Cochabamba Natural History
Museum,

440
00:21:33,667 --> 00:21:37,666
and it was thought that Romeo was
the last one in his species.

441
00:21:37,667 --> 00:21:40,106
The last one in a species is called
an endling.

442
00:21:40,107 --> 00:21:44,426
And, in 2018, his conservationists
set up an online dating profile

443
00:21:44,427 --> 00:21:48,666
for him, on Match.com, in an effort
to find him a mate.

444
00:21:48,667 --> 00:21:51,506
And here is the video that they
made for their search.

445
00:21:51,507 --> 00:21:55,706
Hi, there. I'm Romeo, a Sehuencas
water frog from Bolivia.

446
00:21:55,707 --> 00:21:57,506
I'm a pretty simple guy.

447
00:21:57,507 --> 00:22:01,386
I tend to keep to myself and love
spending nights at home.

448
00:22:01,387 --> 00:22:02,666
I also love eating.

449
00:22:02,667 --> 00:22:04,547
Then again, who doesn't?

450
00:22:06,227 --> 00:22:08,786
Aw, who could resist, right?
Who could resist?

451
00:22:08,787 --> 00:22:10,186
They're good friends to do that.

452
00:22:10,187 --> 00:22:11,826
He didn't want to do it himself.
Yeah.

453
00:22:11,827 --> 00:22:13,786
It's embarrassing...
It's embarrassing.

454
00:22:13,787 --> 00:22:15,706
They're good mates.
Get your friends to do it.

455
00:22:15,707 --> 00:22:18,307
IN A BOLIVIAN ACCENT: "Miguel, could
you do a video for me?"

456
00:22:20,347 --> 00:22:22,906
IN A BOLIVIAN ACCENT: "Hey, why not
put you catching a worm?"

457
00:22:22,907 --> 00:22:26,226
I... "You come out under the rock.
You get a worm."

458
00:22:26,227 --> 00:22:29,306
"I have the tiny arms at the front.

459
00:22:29,307 --> 00:22:31,547
"It is not possible for me to hold
the phone...

460
00:22:32,747 --> 00:22:34,787
"..and eat the worm."
PHILL CROAKS

461
00:22:35,987 --> 00:22:38,066
"Say what you want me to say."

462
00:22:38,067 --> 00:22:40,706
"Yeah. Write it down on a big piece
of paper

463
00:22:40,707 --> 00:22:43,027
"and hold it behind a phone."

464
00:22:45,147 --> 00:22:47,787
The thing is, it worked.
Loads of frogs started turning up.

465
00:22:48,947 --> 00:22:50,627
A toad in a frog bra.

466
00:22:55,507 --> 00:22:57,107
"Hello."

467
00:22:58,387 --> 00:23:00,906
They went out on a frog-finding
expedition,

468
00:23:00,907 --> 00:23:03,226
they found three males
and two females.

469
00:23:03,227 --> 00:23:05,266
And he has now been paired
with a female,

470
00:23:05,267 --> 00:23:07,066
who they have obviously named...?
Juliet.

471
00:23:07,067 --> 00:23:08,506
Juliet, exactly right.

472
00:23:08,507 --> 00:23:10,306
"Si, because I am called Romeo.

473
00:23:10,307 --> 00:23:14,107
"This photograph was taken of me
at my modern jazz dance class."

474
00:23:21,587 --> 00:23:24,746
So, who fancies a Christmas
cup-stacking contest?

475
00:23:24,747 --> 00:23:26,106
Oh, yes, please.
Yes, please.

476
00:23:26,107 --> 00:23:28,826
OK, so, take out your stack of cups.

477
00:23:28,827 --> 00:23:30,026
Yeah.

478
00:23:30,027 --> 00:23:33,306
And what you need to do is,
you need three cups here

479
00:23:33,307 --> 00:23:37,106
and three cups here, and six cups
in the middle.

480
00:23:37,107 --> 00:23:39,066
So, it's a proper sport,
it's recognised by

481
00:23:39,067 --> 00:23:41,386
the American Amateur Athletics
Union Junior Olympics.

482
00:23:41,387 --> 00:23:42,706
So here is what you have to do -

483
00:23:42,707 --> 00:23:46,066
you have to take the stack on the
left and make three.

484
00:23:46,067 --> 00:23:47,306
Like this.

485
00:23:47,307 --> 00:23:49,506
Then you have to take the six
in the middle

486
00:23:49,507 --> 00:23:53,346
and make them into a stack as well.

487
00:23:53,347 --> 00:23:55,026
Like this.

488
00:23:55,027 --> 00:23:58,106
And then you have to make
the stack of three.

489
00:23:58,107 --> 00:24:00,426
So this is the shape that you
should end up with.

490
00:24:00,427 --> 00:24:03,026
And, once you've done that, in order
to do it as a proper

491
00:24:03,027 --> 00:24:05,186
sport-stacking contest,

492
00:24:05,187 --> 00:24:07,146
you then have to return it
to how it was.

493
00:24:07,147 --> 00:24:10,866
But you have to start the same way,
er...

494
00:24:10,867 --> 00:24:12,386
..and back, like this, OK?
Yeah.

495
00:24:12,387 --> 00:24:14,346
Are we going to have a competition?
Oh, my God!

496
00:24:14,347 --> 00:24:16,386
See who can do this fastest.
Yeah.

497
00:24:16,387 --> 00:24:17,866
All right?
This is so exciting!

498
00:24:17,867 --> 00:24:19,386
So, start on the...

499
00:24:19,387 --> 00:24:21,626
Josh, darling, start on the left.

500
00:24:21,627 --> 00:24:24,067
Yeah, OK. Very good.

501
00:24:25,507 --> 00:24:28,546
A stack of three, a stack of six,
a stack of three. OK.

502
00:24:28,547 --> 00:24:30,307
Ready, steady, go!

503
00:24:31,787 --> 00:24:34,387
Three and a six.

504
00:24:35,507 --> 00:24:36,866
SARA: I'm just going to be...

505
00:24:36,867 --> 00:24:39,306
And then take them down again,
from the left to the right.

506
00:24:39,307 --> 00:24:41,826
JOHNNY: It won't come out,
it won't come out!

507
00:24:41,827 --> 00:24:43,187
Josh!

508
00:24:45,107 --> 00:24:48,426
Damn it! Can we go again?
OK.

509
00:24:48,427 --> 00:24:52,106
I think we should challenge you
to see if there's somebody

510
00:24:52,107 --> 00:24:54,226
in the audience... Does anybody want
to have a go?

511
00:24:54,227 --> 00:24:55,426
Anybody want to have a go?

512
00:24:55,427 --> 00:24:58,186
OK, the guy who's put his hand up.
Come and have a go, my darling.

513
00:24:58,187 --> 00:25:00,027
Let's challenge you against Josh.

514
00:25:05,067 --> 00:25:06,946
Right, what's your name?

515
00:25:06,947 --> 00:25:08,746
Lee.
Lee? Lee, this is Josh.

516
00:25:08,747 --> 00:25:10,146
I've got bad news for you, Lee,

517
00:25:10,147 --> 00:25:12,586
You're about to get your arse handed
to you.

518
00:25:12,587 --> 00:25:14,026
OK.

519
00:25:14,027 --> 00:25:17,866
Both put your hands on the board
before you start.

520
00:25:17,867 --> 00:25:20,026
OK, are you ready?
Not really.

521
00:25:20,027 --> 00:25:21,546
Go!

522
00:25:21,547 --> 00:25:23,427
Whoa, what's going on? Whoa!

523
00:25:26,627 --> 00:25:29,787
APPLAUSE

524
00:25:34,107 --> 00:25:36,186
You were not quite out the gate
there, Josh.

525
00:25:36,187 --> 00:25:38,867
I'm not going to lie to you,
I dropped my first cup.

526
00:25:41,027 --> 00:25:43,786
Otherwise, I thought we were pretty
well-matched.

527
00:25:43,787 --> 00:25:45,106
Best of three?

528
00:25:45,107 --> 00:25:47,146
OK, put your hands on the mat,
so no cheating.

529
00:25:47,147 --> 00:25:49,507
You think that's going to make
a difference? I do.

530
00:25:50,587 --> 00:25:51,907
Ready? Go!

531
00:25:54,507 --> 00:25:56,306
Woo!

532
00:25:56,307 --> 00:25:58,107
AUDIENCE CHEERS

533
00:26:11,067 --> 00:26:12,747
Yes!

534
00:26:18,027 --> 00:26:20,906
Well done. Well done.

535
00:26:20,907 --> 00:26:22,706
You should be ashamed, Josh.

536
00:26:22,707 --> 00:26:24,106
I've ruined Christmas.

537
00:26:24,107 --> 00:26:27,186
You should be ashamed of yourself,
cheating at Christmas.

538
00:26:27,187 --> 00:26:29,786
Right, boys, hands on the mat, I'm
going to give you best of three.

539
00:26:29,787 --> 00:26:31,627
Are you ready? Go!

540
00:26:35,307 --> 00:26:36,506
SARA GASPS

541
00:26:36,507 --> 00:26:38,907
Wow!
AUDIENCE CHEERS

542
00:26:41,107 --> 00:26:45,427
Ladies and gentlemen, British
Champion Stacker, Lee Norton.

543
00:26:48,107 --> 00:26:51,146
That was fantastic, Lee.
Very, very well done.

544
00:26:51,147 --> 00:26:52,746
The chances of being hit by
an asteroid

545
00:26:52,747 --> 00:26:54,986
is about one in a billion if you go
into an asteroid belt.

546
00:26:54,987 --> 00:26:56,546
That would be really unlucky.

547
00:26:56,547 --> 00:26:59,346
# The chances of anything coming
from Mars

548
00:26:59,347 --> 00:27:00,906
# Are a million to one

549
00:27:00,907 --> 00:27:03,827
# They say, "Ooh-ooh, wee-oh,
wee-oh. #

550
00:27:07,667 --> 00:27:08,946
What is that song from?

551
00:27:08,947 --> 00:27:10,626
That's from Jeff Wayne's
War Of The Worlds.

552
00:27:10,627 --> 00:27:12,666
When I was younger, we only had one
tape in the car

553
00:27:12,667 --> 00:27:14,586
for summer holidays, and it was
that one tape

554
00:27:14,587 --> 00:27:16,107
and we listened to it for ten years.

555
00:27:18,107 --> 00:27:19,627
That's a really long holiday.

556
00:27:21,267 --> 00:27:23,746
We had the same with Joseph's
Technicolour Dreamcoat.

557
00:27:23,747 --> 00:27:24,866
Oh, yeah.

558
00:27:24,867 --> 00:27:26,426
# A flash of light

559
00:27:26,427 --> 00:27:29,826
# My golden coat
flew out of sight

560
00:27:29,827 --> 00:27:33,426
TOGETHER: # The colours
faded into darkness

561
00:27:33,427 --> 00:27:37,466
# I was left alone
Was left alone

562
00:27:37,467 --> 00:27:41,106
# May I return
May I return

563
00:27:41,107 --> 00:27:44,786
# To the beginning?
Ah-ah

564
00:27:44,787 --> 00:27:48,626
# The light is dimming
Ah-ah...

565
00:27:48,627 --> 00:27:50,466
Ha-ha!

566
00:27:50,467 --> 00:27:52,066
Ah, yeah!

567
00:27:52,067 --> 00:27:55,626
# The world and I
The world and I

568
00:27:55,627 --> 00:27:59,386
# We are still dreaming
AUDIENCE: Ah-ah

569
00:27:59,387 --> 00:28:01,347
SUSAN LAUGHS

570
00:28:03,027 --> 00:28:05,467
# Any dream will do. #

571
00:28:12,547 --> 00:28:15,226
The asteroid belt contains a lot
less material

572
00:28:15,227 --> 00:28:16,307
than you might think.

573
00:28:18,107 --> 00:28:20,667
Why is this skirt called...?
Go on, shoo!

574
00:28:23,147 --> 00:28:25,907
That really was intolerable.
That was terrible.

575
00:28:27,627 --> 00:28:29,027
And you, all of you!

576
00:28:31,067 --> 00:28:33,666
Take us out, please, Mr Davies.

577
00:28:33,667 --> 00:28:35,507
BADGE BEEPS