3 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,880 Good evening and welcome to QI, where we're all reacting 4 00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:38,440 rather roughly in a show that's really rather rude. 5 00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:41,040 Joining me is our rudest panel yet. 6 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:43,280 The breathtakingly rude John Barrowman... 7 00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:47,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 8 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:50,640 ..the fantastically rude Phill Jupitus... 9 00:00:50,640 --> 00:00:54,080 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:57,120 ..the unbelievably rude Aisling Bea... 11 00:00:57,120 --> 00:01:01,120 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 12 00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:04,640 ..and the rudest four-letter word that I can think of - Alan! 13 00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:08,360 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 14 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:14,440 If you really must interrupt, then you can use your buzzers. 15 00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:16,400 John goes... 16 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:19,040 Oi, you! Aisling goes... 17 00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:21,680 Shove it up your arse! 18 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:23,680 Wow. Phill goes... 19 00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:25,320 Go to hell! 20 00:01:25,320 --> 00:01:26,960 And Alan goes... 21 00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:29,440 You flipping scoundrel! 22 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:33,440 Do you remember when those were the worst words you could think of? 23 00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:35,160 "You cad!" "You rapscallion." 24 00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:38,320 "What the flip?" My four-year-old says, "What the flip?" 25 00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:42,600 "What the flip?!" Or fish. My mother says, "Oh, fish!" 26 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:45,000 When you're in a boat? Yeah, yeah. 27 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:48,520 It's a Scandinavian way of getting excited. 28 00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:51,880 Open any cupboard in the house - "Oh, fish!" 29 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:53,560 LAUGHTER 30 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:57,240 Of if nobody's showered. 31 00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:59,720 LAUGHTER AND GROANING 32 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:02,680 Our first question is R for risky. 33 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:08,560 Name something that is so rude you can't say it on a BBC comedy show. 34 00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:09,840 Hell. Yes? 35 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:12,480 BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! 36 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:14,960 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 37 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,320 JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS 38 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:23,360 Let's try this instead. 39 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:28,240 Name something that you CAN say on a BBC comedy show NOW 40 00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:30,200 that you couldn't say in the 1950s. 41 00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:33,000 We're post-watershed, we're allowed a fuck. 42 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:34,280 Yay! 43 00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:36,360 Only if it's cleared. 44 00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:40,760 You have to write to whatever the gods of words of television are. 45 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:45,240 You have to write and get permission. Yeah. Yeah? I'll start. 46 00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:48,360 On the radio, they used to say... There was a list of eight words 47 00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:51,560 they'd give you at the BBC... You must have had this list. Yeah. 48 00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:53,800 ..when I started doing the radio, back in the '90s. 49 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:57,680 But the only thing we got in trouble for, really, 50 00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:01,760 was blasphemy. Well, in the late 1940s, they issued something called 51 00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:05,120 the BBC Variety Programmes Policy Guide For Writers And Producers. 52 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:06,720 It became known as the Green Book, 53 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:09,400 and it was what was acceptable for broadcasting. 54 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:13,000 There was an absolute ban on jokes regarding, and I'm quoting here, 55 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:16,200 "lavatories, effeminacy in men, immorality of any kind, 56 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:19,440 "and any suggestive references to honeymoon couples, 57 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:21,640 "chambermaids and fig leaves." 58 00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:23,320 LAUGHTER 59 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:26,440 "That should cover it." I know! 60 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:30,600 The vulgar use of the word "basket" must be avoided. 61 00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:33,680 "Oh, hello, missus. Can I see your basket, please? 62 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:37,400 "What, have you got some melons in your basket?" Now you do it like that... 63 00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:40,360 Yes, suggestive references to ladies' underwear, 64 00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:43,080 so things like, "Winter drawers on," you wouldn't say that, 65 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:48,000 and it conceded that "references to Noah were sometimes permissible". 66 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:52,120 But it added, "Since there is seldom anything to be gained by them, 67 00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:54,520 "and since they can engender much resentment, 68 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:56,720 "they are best avoided altogether." 69 00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:58,800 You couldn't make jokes about solicitors, 70 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:00,680 miners or the working class. 71 00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:03,880 And, in particular, you could not make any joke about 72 00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:07,680 a specific Irish family called the MacGillycuddys of the Reeks. 73 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:10,840 I wonder who they are. They're an ancient family but, apparently, 74 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:13,400 several jokes have been made about them and they took offence. 75 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,520 And even now, we should not be amused by 76 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:17,680 the MacGillycuddys of the Reeks. 77 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:17,680 You know in Ireland 78 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:21,560 there are certain words like feck, Jaysus and shite? Yeah. 79 00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:23,480 These are OK, they're versions of fudge, 80 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:25,480 that's why so many people in Ireland say them, 81 00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:29,640 so something like Father Ted - "Drink, feck, girls, arse!" - 82 00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:32,400 those are versions of what you get away with saying... 83 00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:35,560 It's the same in the States. You can say frickin'. Frickin'. 84 00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:40,120 "I don't frickin' believe it." And that's fine. Max Miller, in 1944, 85 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:43,480 he tells the story about meeting a rather attractive woman 86 00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:46,000 on a mountain pass, and it included the line, 87 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:49,320 he didn't know whether to "block her passage or toss himself off" and... 88 00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:51,760 LAUGHTER 89 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,320 But he got banned for five years. Five years... 90 00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:58,800 PHILL: Wow! ..he received for that particular... 91 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:01,560 AISLING: Ooh, it was worth it, though. I know. 92 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,840 The very first song, in fact, banned by the BBC was 93 00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:07,920 George Formby's My Little Ukulele In My Hand. It was 1933. 94 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:10,240 He was apparently a regular offender. 95 00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:13,120 The BBC described him as "our old friend". 96 00:05:13,120 --> 00:05:16,320 I remember when we were BBC trained for presenting and everything 97 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:17,720 and we were always told, 98 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:20,760 "You can say it on air, as long as it is in a medical book." 99 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:23,600 # Oh, I'm absolutely riddled 100 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:25,400 # With chlamydia. # 101 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:27,640 LAUGHTER 102 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:40,280 That's why Alan is sitting between us. 103 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:47,000 The music-hall singer Marie Lloyd, she was absolutely fantastic. 104 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:48,840 She was told off for her song... 105 00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:52,280 She had a song called She Sits Among The Cabbages And Peas, 106 00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:55,960 and it was said to be rude, so she agreed to change it, 107 00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:58,960 and she sang She Sits Among The Cabbages And Leeks. 108 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,200 LAUGHTER 109 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:04,880 Y'all know the movie Mrs Miniver? Yeah. There's a scene 110 00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:07,840 where the actor - I can't remember his name off the top of my head - 111 00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:09,560 he jumps into bed in his pyjamas, 112 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:13,240 just after he's got back from helping the rescue at D-Day, 113 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:18,240 and as he jumps in bed, his willy falls out of his pyjamas... 114 00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:22,000 I was hoping you were going to say pyjamas, not off his body! 115 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:23,560 LAUGHTER 116 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:26,680 It leapt off him! Oh, my God. And for some reason, 117 00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:29,760 the editor at that point in the movie obviously missed it, 118 00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:32,920 they didn't cut it out and to this day it's still in the film. 119 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:34,680 Sorry, Sandi... We've got to go. 120 00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:36,240 LAUGHTER 121 00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:39,800 I was doing a job recently. 122 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:42,040 As an actor, you have to say what nudity you're OK with 123 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,480 before you do, like, a lovemaking scene or anything. 124 00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:47,080 My agent was texting me - they had to do it the next day, 125 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:50,280 so I only had the time to text her what to put into the contract 126 00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:53,600 and I was like, "Boob. No nip. Top of crack, fine. 127 00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:55,040 "Bottom of crack, no." 128 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:58,760 And she printed out that text for me and framed it for me 129 00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:02,480 and sent it to me. "Top of crack, yes. Bottom of crack, no. 130 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:04,160 "That much I save for my husband." 131 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:06,320 LAUGHTER 132 00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:09,040 It's good to know you've got standards, Aisling. 133 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:12,880 Thank you, yeah. Now, you've all got some chopsticks under your desk. 134 00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:16,560 What is the rudest thing that you can do with them? 135 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:20,360 I think there's some food as well. I say food, it's jelly babies. Oh! 136 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:23,560 So, what is the rudest thing that you can do with them? 137 00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:26,920 Is it break up the chopsticks into firewood 138 00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:29,320 and then get the sushi in front of the chef and go, 139 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:30,520 "I'm just going to heat this up"? 140 00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:36,520 PHILL: I've been there. It's to put them... 141 00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:38,480 Oh, leave them in the bowl? 142 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:43,760 That is rude, but it's not as rude as passing food from one to another 143 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:45,280 with your own chopsticks. 144 00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:49,720 So, if John was to pass a jelly baby to Aisling, unbelievably rude. 145 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:53,120 Like that? Do you know why? I feel like I've just become a meme. 146 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:55,480 Ooh! That's rude, John. 147 00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:58,560 I don't want it. Let's do it again. 148 00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:00,480 HE MOANS 149 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,800 LAUGHTER 150 00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:08,840 Wait, wait, wait, wait. What? Don't show bottom crack. Go. 151 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:10,680 HE MOANS 152 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:12,480 You can finish it off yourself. 153 00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:14,080 LAUGHTER 154 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:17,160 APPLAUSE 155 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:20,240 I wasn't very clear. 156 00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:23,120 It's passing with your chopstick to the next chopstick. 157 00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:25,640 It was not necessarily in her mouth. Oh! Yeah. 158 00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:27,280 Why do you think that might be? 159 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:30,160 Is it that you'd be mixing flavours of the foods? 160 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:33,080 No. So, it reminds everybody of Buddhist funerals. Huh? 161 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:35,080 PHILL: Yeah, that's what I was going to say. 162 00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:37,480 At least stand them up like terracotta soldiers. 163 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:39,440 Oh, OK. Let's do that. 164 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:42,640 I'm trying to talk to you about Buddhist funerals! Carry on. 165 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:46,320 You're just playing with jelly babies. So, you... 166 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:50,080 LAUGHTER 167 00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:52,480 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 168 00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:58,200 Whoa! 169 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:00,960 I mean, honestly, this looks like a meeting of my family. 170 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:05,560 In a Buddhist funeral, they use chopsticks to pick 171 00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:08,800 the deceased bones out of the ashes and place them in the urn. 172 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:11,520 So, larger bones, you need two sets of chopsticks. 173 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:14,560 So, two sets of chopsticks touching reminds people 174 00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:19,000 of removing their ancestors' bones and putting them in an urn. 175 00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:22,560 Sticking chopsticks vertically up in food, very rude in both China 176 00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:26,320 and in Japan. Anybody know why? It looks like an "up yours" symbol? 177 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:28,240 Again, it's funerals. 178 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:30,560 It reminds people of joss sticks which are used at funerals. 179 00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:33,040 What's the thing, then, when you get it, you place it...? 180 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,960 You know the little table they give you for your chopsticks, 181 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:37,240 where did that come from? 182 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:39,720 Well, that's all because you don't want to put them on the bowl, 183 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:41,720 for example. There are all sorts of words. 184 00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:45,440 So, in Japan, the word for chopsticks is hashi. 185 00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:48,480 And, then, when it's part of a compound word, it's called bashi. 186 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:53,000 And all of these things are really bad manners. So, watashi-bashi - 187 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:56,320 placing your chopsticks across the bowl like that. 188 00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:58,040 That's why you have the little rest. 189 00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:00,080 I'm quite in the mood for a watashi-bashi. 190 00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:01,680 LAUGHTER 191 00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:04,320 Neburi-bashi is sucking on your chopsticks. 192 00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:07,400 Saguri-bashi is rummaging, food rummaging. 193 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:10,280 And then sashi-bashi is skewering your food. 194 00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:12,360 All of these things in Japan are terribly bad manners. 195 00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:14,840 You know at Christmas when someone offers you a box of Roses? 196 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:18,360 You're like, "I love the orange ones!" That's saguri-bashi. 197 00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:21,280 That's rude. Does anybody know what the world record is for catching 198 00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:23,360 shuttlecocks with a pair of chopsticks? 199 00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:25,640 Oh, I'm in. Yeah. Er... 200 00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:29,600 Look, OK. I have got a racquet and a shuttlecock. 201 00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:32,240 We're going to give this a go. OK, who wants to go first? 202 00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:34,840 John, do you want to go first? Sure. You're going up? 203 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:37,600 Almost. Yeah. 204 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:40,160 Aisling, you want a go? Yeah. Ready? OK. 205 00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:41,800 OK. No. 206 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:43,760 Er, Phill? Are you ready? 207 00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:48,280 Alan? Maybe it's not catching it, you have to stab it a little bit. 208 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,400 I don't know what's the easiest thing... 209 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,960 If I send it high... Well, why don't...? Go high, go high! 210 00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:54,360 AISLING YELPS 211 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:56,720 JOHN SCREECHES 212 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:56,720 So, this is a thing. 213 00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:59,640 Do you know what the world record is? 4,000. 214 00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:01,680 "Exterminate jelly babies. 215 00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:04,320 Exterminate..." 216 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:06,640 APPLAUSE 217 00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:10,080 "Darling, don't say that..." 218 00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:10,080 APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH 219 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:13,760 "Mother! Mother!" "Exterminate!" 220 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:18,080 "Oh, no. It's come back as a woman." 221 00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:20,000 THEY BOTH SHRIEK 222 00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:21,480 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 223 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:26,680 Oh, my God. Give a bunch of performers too much sugar... 224 00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:29,840 LAUGHTER 225 00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:31,920 Yeah, but I didn't hit it to you! 226 00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:34,520 Oh. But you didn't say that you HAD to hit it to me. 227 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,000 No, it's the world record for catching a shuttlecock, 228 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:40,480 but I've got to send it to you. OK. Try now, try now. Are you ready 229 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:43,000 now you've got the hang of it? I'm going to stand up. 230 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:44,480 I'll do a gentler one. Oh! 231 00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:51,040 Quickly, do it now, because I can do it really prim. Are you ready? Yes. 232 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:57,840 Anyway, the record is 54 in a minute. 233 00:11:57,840 --> 00:11:59,880 So you guys are rubbish! 234 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:03,280 OK. Last one. You ready? Ready. 235 00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:08,480 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 236 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:18,920 I'm out of breath. That's the most sport I've done in years. 237 00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:21,960 Now, here's a real faux pas. You might know that Oedipus 238 00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:26,080 murdered his father, but what was the motive? 239 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:29,400 Cos he wouldn't give him the car keys to go on a date. 240 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:32,320 You are, weirdly, in the right area. 241 00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:34,720 Shut up! Shut the front door. 242 00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:38,520 This is Oedipus in the middle. Not quite sure they got the arms 243 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:40,240 in the right place. 244 00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:43,200 It looks like someone behind doing the arms, 245 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:46,000 like he's got his arms like that and someone else is doing them. 246 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:51,480 LAUGHTER 247 00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:55,680 Yeah. Oedipus is talking to Tiresias, who's a soothsayer, 248 00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:58,120 and he wants to know who has killed his father. 249 00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:02,000 He's going to discover it was him. He didn't know it was his father. 250 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:04,520 So why did he kill his father? Does anybody know? 251 00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:07,800 He thought his father killed his father. Huh? 252 00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:09,640 LAUGHTER 253 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:11,080 The guy he thought was his father 254 00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:13,400 he thought was the bloke who killed his real father. 255 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,920 That's like EastEnders kind of plot. 256 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,640 You said I was close about the car. 257 00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:20,800 Was it because his dad wouldn't allow him to do something...? 258 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,520 It is to do with driving. The chariot. 259 00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:26,480 It is to do with the chariot. The miracle that Oedipus was told by 260 00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:28,600 an oracle that he would marry his mother 261 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:31,800 and he would kill his father... I do not recall that. OK. 262 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:33,360 He wasn't told he was adopted 263 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:35,560 so he didn't know who his actual father was. 264 00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:38,640 And one day he got into an argument with his birth father, 265 00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:41,520 who was King Laius, over who had the right of way, 266 00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:43,440 and so Oedipus killed him. 267 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:46,560 But he killed him not knowing that it was his father. 268 00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:50,520 This is chariot rage. This is before modern road rage 269 00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:52,760 and even before that there was carriage rage. 270 00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:54,800 We think it's like a new thing... 271 00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:54,800 ALAN HUMS 272 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:56,600 What are you humming, darling? 273 00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:58,840 HE HUMS LOUDER 274 00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:02,080 That's the running... Chariots Of Fire, yeah. 275 00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:05,880 Best nickname in the history of sport. What's that? Chariots. 276 00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:09,480 For the Rugby League player Martin Offiah. 277 00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:13,000 It's also the name of a very popular gay sauna in Central London. 278 00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:17,560 I've driven past that. Yeah, I, all the time, drive past them. 279 00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:19,080 LAUGHTER 280 00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:27,520 It's a chain, so it's like a brand like McDonald's that you recognise. 281 00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:29,040 "This is going to be a nice sauna." 282 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:32,800 So you're not going in for Big Mac, you're going in for a "big mac"! 283 00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:34,920 I think we should move on. 284 00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:37,520 There's always been some kind of rage on the road. 285 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:39,960 There's chariot rage, there was carriage rage. 286 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:43,880 In 1817, Lord Byron wrote to his friend that he had just had a row 287 00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:46,280 with a man in a carriage who had shouted at him 288 00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:48,680 and frightened his horse, and expressed, as he wrote, 289 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:52,320 "An intention of mending the road with his immediate remains 290 00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:55,800 "if he did not hold his tongue." He held it. 291 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:58,240 And I think that is something we should say in road rage. 292 00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:00,920 "I shall mend the road with your immediate remains 293 00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:02,800 "if you do not hold your tongue." 294 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:06,000 You rarely see people from the past without a beard. I admire that. 295 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,760 He's a handsome fellow. Very handsome. 296 00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:12,040 He kept a pet bear at university. When you say a bear... 297 00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:16,000 No, I don't mean a... Oh, OK. ..a larger gentleman. 298 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:19,400 Yeah. "Byron, come upstairs, I'm ready." 299 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,280 "We're going to Chariots." 300 00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:23,400 LAUGHTER 301 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:27,240 The phrase road rage, when do we reckon it dates from? 302 00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:32,280 1972. '88. Roman times. '88. 303 00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:34,960 '88 is exactly right, you get an extra point. 304 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,400 WHOOPING 305 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:43,280 First appeared in a Florida newspaper in 1988. 306 00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:47,960 Probably a play on what was called steroid rage, roid rage, road rage. 307 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:51,200 They did a study of 2,400 drivers in the United States. They found 308 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:55,000 that motorists who carry guns - more likely to indulge in road rage. 309 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:57,960 I know. Quelle surprise. I know, right? 310 00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:01,560 A 2019 survey found in the UK, people in Yorkshire most likely to 311 00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:04,880 rage on the roads. But people in Yorkshire, to be fair, 312 00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:07,240 are just being annoyed that there's a road. 313 00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:09,960 "Used to be all fields when I were a lad. Look at this now. 314 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:13,840 "Bloody roads! Bloody roads everywhere!" 315 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:16,320 That's very good, darling. 316 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:17,960 "All going t'south." 317 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,440 LAUGHTER 318 00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:21,880 "Where they drink shandy. 319 00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:23,360 "The bastards." 320 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:25,200 LAUGHTER 321 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:30,280 "Look at the state of you in your trousers. Trousers! 322 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:34,120 "Look at you." The only reason I moved to Scotland is 323 00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:36,440 so I can call people from Yorkshire southerners. 324 00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:39,040 LAUGHTER 325 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:42,080 Who thinks it's attractive to stand in front of a female 326 00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:44,040 and shout in her face? 327 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:47,040 The entire Republican Party. So true. 328 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:49,040 APPLAUSE 329 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:49,040 That's so true. 330 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:53,440 So, we are not talking about a person, 331 00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:56,440 we are talking about a creature, and it is an astonishing creature. 332 00:16:56,440 --> 00:17:01,000 It's the white bellbird. So, the correct name is the Procnias albus. 333 00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:04,480 It lives in the Amazon. It's got the loudest call in the avian kingdom. 334 00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:08,680 From a metre away, it averages 116 dB. 335 00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:10,520 So, that is the same as a rock concert. 336 00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:12,800 It's the same as a sort of sports crowd shouting. 337 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:18,320 Or a white guy in a bar. Yeah. The bird is about this big, OK? 338 00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:19,840 That is its wattle, 339 00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:21,960 can you see this thing that's hanging down? Yep. 340 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,920 It's just a single loud note. I mean, it's just like a fog horn, OK? 341 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:26,080 Have a listen to this. 342 00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:28,840 WHITE BELLBIRD BRAYS 343 00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:31,480 And what they do is, when they find the likely mate, 344 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:34,400 they land on a branch and they swivel their body face on, 345 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:38,280 and they bray into the female's face, and she doesn't seem to mind. 346 00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:40,920 I mean, she risks hearing loss at this point. 347 00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:44,080 And the females judge their mates entirely on volume 348 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:46,960 and there seems to be no purpose to this. 349 00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:51,280 It is just to try and get the woman to go, "Wow, you're loud..." 350 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:53,440 Wow, I like it. "..and I really fancy you." 351 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,600 What's the highest note you can sing, John? 352 00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:58,640 I don't know. I've never screamed in a woman's face before. 353 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:02,560 Well, that's how you get them. 354 00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:05,240 If only there was a woman near you! 355 00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:08,080 If I weren't doing eight shows a week and doing a concert... Yeah. 356 00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:10,160 ..I'd go to B flat. Go on. Give us a note. 357 00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:12,360 Sing the word Mary in a B flat. Let me think here. 358 00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:13,640 # Mary... # 359 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:14,960 HIGHER PITCH: # Mary. # 360 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:16,480 Go on. 361 00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:18,600 I don't know why I picked Mary, by the way. 362 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:20,720 What about shuttlecock? Yeah. 363 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:25,480 SUSTAINED NOTE: # Shuttle-cock! # 364 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:27,320 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 365 00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:28,800 Yeah, John! 366 00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:35,640 How do your ovaries feel now? Exploding, John. Whay! 367 00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:37,120 Oh, my God. 368 00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:40,320 Children at home watching this, trying to pick up dating techniques. 369 00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:44,920 So, from one rude man to another. 370 00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:49,400 Whose genitals are seven feet longer than they used to be? 371 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:51,960 Don't know where they found that picture. 372 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:53,720 LAUGHTER 373 00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:57,000 Are we talking specifically male genitals? We are, darling. OK. 374 00:18:57,000 --> 00:19:00,480 We're talking about a penis that's seven foot... A man in the back row put his hand up. 375 00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:02,720 Did you put your hand up, darling? Do you know what it is? 376 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:04,320 No, I just wanted to brag. 377 00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:05,760 LAUGHTER 378 00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:11,160 KLAXON BLARES 379 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:18,280 Oh, my word. Put your phone number on there! 380 00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:20,200 LAUGHTER 381 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:24,080 You do not have a seven-foot long willy. That's amazing! 382 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:26,640 It's no wonder we had to sit you at the back. 383 00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:32,440 Is that your girlfriend you're sat beside? His girlfriend's six rows in front. 384 00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:35,000 LAUGHTER 385 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:38,080 It's not how big it is, it's what you do with it. Exactly. 386 00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:41,480 IN YORKSHIRE ACCENT: "It's not what you do with it..." 387 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:43,280 "It's that you do it in Yorkshire." 388 00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:45,560 "..it's that you do it in bloody Yorkshire. 389 00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:48,280 "I use it to dig me vegetables." 390 00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:50,160 LAUGHTER 391 00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:55,040 Is it to do with, like, a medical condition? 392 00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:57,720 No, it is to do with a piece of art. 393 00:19:57,720 --> 00:20:01,720 It is carved into the hillside. PHILL: Oh! 394 00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:05,360 It's the Rude Man of Cerne. It is. The Cerne Abbas Giant, 395 00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:07,000 or the Old Man of Cerne. 396 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:09,280 It is indeed known as the Rude Man of Cerne. Oh! 397 00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:12,520 So, he's a 200-foot tall chalk carving in Dorset. Look at that. 398 00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:16,000 Have you ever seen this? I have, I have. Has a notably large... 399 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:18,120 Well, he's well endowed, let's just put it that way. 400 00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:21,360 But he wasn't always this well endowed. So, initially, 401 00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:24,840 his proud member was just 16ft long. 402 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,680 You would think that's quite big, but if you think about scale, so if 403 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:31,800 you imagine a 6ft man has a six-inch penis. He's 200ft, you'd imagine him 404 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:35,440 to have a 200-inch penis, which is about 16ft long. Right. 405 00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:39,240 But sometime around 1908, for reasons we don't know why, 406 00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:41,680 they merged his penis with his bellybutton 407 00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:43,680 and gave him an extra seven foot. 408 00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:46,080 LAUGHTER 409 00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:48,040 AISLING: What's weird, when I look at that, 410 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:51,960 I see a shy little girl with pigtails licking a lollipop. 411 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,360 Does no-one else see that? 412 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,360 LAUGHTER 413 00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:55,920 A little bun on her head. 414 00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:58,320 LAUGHTER 415 00:20:58,320 --> 00:20:59,840 Yeah, now you say that... 416 00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,480 Like, there she is, having a lovely time, going, 417 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:06,760 "I love my lollipop." Yeah! 418 00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:09,800 Then she's got, like, Pippi Longstocking hair. 419 00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:12,920 Yeah, and then she's just got a little bun on her head. Yeah. 420 00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:16,880 Maybe we've misinterpreted this for years. 421 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:18,960 So, we don't know how old it is. 422 00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:22,040 There was a survey of land in the area in 1617, 423 00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:23,440 no mention of him at all. 424 00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:25,720 Either it wasn't there or it had been overgrown, I don't know. 425 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:29,160 By the 1760s, we start to get references to him. 426 00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:32,680 So, certainly, there's a 1764 edition of The Gentleman's Magazine, 427 00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:35,240 and that's got a drawing in it, including measurements, when he had 428 00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:39,160 the smaller... Are you sure it wasn't The Ladies' Magazine? Hey! 429 00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:41,560 Ladies couldn't read at that time. 430 00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:43,280 LAUGHTER 431 00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:45,840 Don't really know why he's there. It's possible that it was 432 00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:48,320 a parody of Cromwell and dates from the Civil War, 433 00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:50,800 that people were taking the mickey out of Cromwell. 434 00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:53,000 There was a wonderful campaign in 1921. 435 00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:55,840 There was a Mr Long from Gillingham, in Dorset, 436 00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:57,400 and he hated this thing 437 00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:01,000 and he had a campaign that the giant's genitals should be hidden 438 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:02,520 with a huge fig leaf, 439 00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:04,760 and two local bishops thought this was a marvellous idea. 440 00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:08,440 Apparently, the Home Office thought about it but didn't actually do it. 441 00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:10,160 He's been covered up lots of times. 442 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:14,160 1992, some pranksters made a giant pair of jeans for him. 443 00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:16,120 LAUGHTER 444 00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:18,680 Yes! Yes! 445 00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:21,280 That reminds me of me in high school sitting at a desk - 446 00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:25,560 "Oh, no, it's coming out! Noooo!" 447 00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:27,720 What lesson? 448 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:29,920 Math. Maths? Yeah. Wow, that's weird. 449 00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:33,760 The teacher was... What was his name? Not telling you. 450 00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:36,480 LAUGHTER 451 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:41,120 2002 he was given a condom by the Family Planning Association. 452 00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:44,920 And in 2007 a protestor known only as the Purple Phantom 453 00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:47,960 painted his entire penis purple. 454 00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:50,840 Using what? How do you dye grass? 455 00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:52,560 Uh...with dye. Mm. 456 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:54,680 LAUGHTER 457 00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:58,240 Now, there's nothing ruder than someone with bad timekeeping, 458 00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:01,040 but who is always a little bit late? 459 00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:03,960 Well, is it to do with astrology? 460 00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:09,000 Hmm... We're not all actually born under the star sign we think we are. 461 00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:11,520 Yes, that is the case, but that is not what we are talking about. 462 00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:13,320 It's a small amount of lateness. 463 00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:16,560 Weirdly, the stars are sort of connected to it. 464 00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:19,440 It's very important because of the interconnectivity 465 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:22,160 of the planet that we all run on the same time. 466 00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:25,040 Is it Greenwich Mean Time, the clock or something, I don't know, 467 00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:28,680 just behind? No, it isn't Greenwich. That was a lovely guess, John. 468 00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:30,520 It's a nice guess. It was a very nice guess. 469 00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:32,960 There's an atomic clock. Is it in Switzerland? 470 00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:35,200 It is to do with the atomic clock. You are absolutely right. 471 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:38,000 You get an extra point. There are 50 or more national labs 472 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:40,520 around the world which all run on atomic clocks. 473 00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:44,600 So, what they do is they measure the vibration of caesium atoms, OK? 474 00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:48,000 So, one second is defined as 475 00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:50,880 the time it takes for a caesium atom 476 00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:57,920 to vibrate 9,192,631,770 times. 477 00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:01,760 That's that number of times per second, OK, for it to vibrate. 478 00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:05,120 And then each clock around the world sends all of its data to Paris, 479 00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:07,600 to the International Bureau of Weights and Measurements, 480 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:11,920 and they collate it. This process is called Coordinated Universal Time 481 00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:16,600 and it is used throughout the world, except in one country. 482 00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:18,880 AISLING: Russia. PHILL: North Korea. 483 00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:21,480 It's not Denmark. It is Denmark. 484 00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:25,200 It is Denmark, and I think an extra ten points there. 485 00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:28,160 They don't play ball with time. Didn't bother. We didn't bother. 486 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:33,080 We never updated our laws. I don't know. We were busy. There was a herring season. I've no idea... 487 00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:35,760 We just use something called mean solar time, 488 00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:39,080 but because the Danes have failed to play ball, 489 00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:43,440 we are pretty much a quarter of a second late to every meeting. 490 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:47,000 PHILL: Certainly explains the fashion. 491 00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:49,520 AUDIENCE: Oooh! Phill! 492 00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:52,560 Have you been to Denmark? I have, yeah. Loads. I love it. 493 00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:54,960 Yeah, you won't be welcome now, you know that, right? 494 00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:57,480 It's all right. I'll just say I know you. "Passport?" 495 00:24:57,480 --> 00:25:00,800 "No, Sandi sent me." "Oh, that is OK. Please come in." 496 00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:02,080 LAUGHTER 497 00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:04,400 "You are a quarter of a second early." 498 00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:05,800 LAUGHTER 499 00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:11,080 So, it's called Coordinated Universal Time, 500 00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:14,880 but the acronym is UTC. Why do you think that might be? 501 00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:17,360 Cos isn't that milk? Yeah. Is that milk? No, that's... 502 00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:19,040 AUDIENCE MEMBER: UHT. 503 00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:21,600 UHT. Thank you very much. UHT, sorry. I knew it was something. 504 00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:24,240 And then there's PMT. Do not buy that milk. 505 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:26,680 LAUGHTER 506 00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:28,240 So, UTC it's called. 507 00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:31,840 So, in French, it would be "temps universel coordonne", 508 00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:34,520 so TUC. And, apparently, nobody could agree, 509 00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:38,000 so UTC was just a compromise. It doesn't actually mean anything. 510 00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:41,200 Why do you think we have 60 seconds and 60 minutes? There was a lot 511 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:43,320 of early attempts to do timekeeping. 512 00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:47,560 Why do you think we went for 60 minutes? Is it...? I don't know. 513 00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:49,680 Birds. Birds?! 514 00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:52,760 Another lovely guess from John, isn't he great? 515 00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:56,600 Birds, he says, Sandi! You know when your three-year-old says something 516 00:25:56,600 --> 00:26:00,160 and they're trying to be clever and you want to go, "Yes. No, that's..." 517 00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:03,160 Maybe it is birds, John. Yes. 60 birds. 518 00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:07,000 I'm coming off that sugar high right now. 519 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:08,440 LAUGHTER 520 00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:10,280 "Sandi, is it birds?" 521 00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:15,360 I always thought it was just mathematics. Yes, but why? 522 00:26:15,360 --> 00:26:17,120 Because of all the factors in 60. 523 00:26:17,120 --> 00:26:19,880 Yeah, so, 60 is a fantastically useful number 524 00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:22,120 because it can be divided by 12 other numbers 525 00:26:22,120 --> 00:26:24,000 to make fractions easy. 526 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:26,560 And you can go back 4,000 years to the Ancient Babylonians, 527 00:26:26,560 --> 00:26:29,440 who are probably the ones that came up with the idea of the 60 minutes. 528 00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:31,480 They just got it from the birds, though, didn't they? 529 00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:33,720 They just got it... 530 00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:33,720 LAUGHTER 531 00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:35,560 Fundamentally, the birds... 532 00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:41,320 Can I do a little bit of Sandi mythology that I'd like to break? 533 00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:42,720 Yes, darling. 534 00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:46,280 I heard a story that a young Sandi Toksvig was at, potentially, 535 00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:50,360 Cambridge University? And someone was talking about how cavemen 536 00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:54,360 or whatever used to use, like... They found old versions of calendars 537 00:26:54,360 --> 00:26:57,640 that cavemen would have, like, 30 things marked out in them 538 00:26:57,640 --> 00:27:00,960 and a tiny, tiny Danish hand went up and was like, 539 00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:04,080 "Why in the hell would it be a caveman and not a cavewoman?" 540 00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:07,720 And they were like, "What?" "Why would a man need to know 30 days 541 00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:09,360 "has passed? That's clearly a woman 542 00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:11,680 "invented those calendars for obvious reasons." 543 00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:13,400 Is that a fact? 544 00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:16,400 It is! 545 00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:19,240 Clever Sandi. It's my favourite Sandi fact. 546 00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:23,320 Yeah, I love that. 547 00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:26,400 This is to do with a particular bone that is thought to be 548 00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:29,720 the world's first calendar, and it's actually got 28 markings on it. 549 00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:32,080 28. I was sitting in a lecture and somebody said, 550 00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:34,880 "This is Man's first attempt at a calendar." 551 00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:38,360 But, clearly, no man needs to know 28 days... Days have passed. 552 00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:39,480 We fucking do! 553 00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:42,320 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 554 00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:49,800 It's called the Ishango bone but the thought was first to put to me 555 00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:53,320 by a wonderful woman called Dr Deborah Swallow. 556 00:27:53,320 --> 00:27:57,280 So, this idea of using 60 has been around probably for 5,000... 557 00:27:57,280 --> 00:28:00,520 certainly 4,000 years, and the Romans and the Greeks borrowed that 558 00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:04,480 but they didn't take the bit about 60 minutes for an hour, 559 00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:07,320 and so hours are whatever length you needed them to be. 560 00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:10,400 In the summer you could have an hour that was 75 minutes long 561 00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:13,920 and in the winter you could have an hour that was maybe 45 minutes long. 562 00:28:13,920 --> 00:28:16,120 I have to say, the Scandinavians would have hours that 563 00:28:16,120 --> 00:28:18,400 were 15 minutes long in the winter. 564 00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:21,400 The Vikings had a completely different way of telling time. 565 00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:23,840 They would divide the day into eight parts 566 00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:27,480 and they would do this by splitting the horizon into eight parts 567 00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:30,840 and people would pick a daymark - so a feature of the landscape 568 00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:33,520 that was directly above the middle of each of these sections - 569 00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:36,440 and then you would know what time it was depending on where the sun was 570 00:28:36,440 --> 00:28:38,440 over the chosen hill or tree or field 571 00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:40,800 and each village would have these particular day marks. 572 00:28:40,800 --> 00:28:44,440 Say you're on a Viking rampage, like your people used to be... Wow. 573 00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:47,880 You're somewhere where you don't know. No idea what time it is. 574 00:28:47,880 --> 00:28:51,480 "Oh, we are late again but we have brought bacon and herring." 575 00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:56,480 Someone comes back and he's like, "Guys, I was down there by myself, 576 00:28:56,480 --> 00:29:00,880 "like a fool, rampaging all on my own. I thought we agreed a time?" 577 00:29:00,880 --> 00:29:03,200 Sorry, are these rabbits invading? 578 00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:05,080 LAUGHTER 579 00:29:07,560 --> 00:29:09,240 ALAN: Dutch Rabbit. 580 00:29:09,240 --> 00:29:11,520 Does sound like a euphemism. 581 00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:13,480 LAUGHTER 582 00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:16,320 Why should you not have horns on your helmet? 583 00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:18,600 PHILL: Because they didn't have horns. 584 00:29:18,600 --> 00:29:21,120 They didn't have horns on their helmets. Did they not...? 585 00:29:21,120 --> 00:29:23,960 No, it was invented by a designer for a Wagnerian opera. 586 00:29:23,960 --> 00:29:26,960 But these daymarks that the Vikings had, you still get some names. 587 00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:28,720 So in Norway you might get 588 00:29:28,720 --> 00:29:32,600 Middagsfjeld or Middagshorn or Middagsberg... 589 00:29:32,600 --> 00:29:34,880 Say it again, say it quieter. 590 00:29:34,880 --> 00:29:37,400 I love it when you talk the mother tongue. 591 00:29:37,400 --> 00:29:40,320 Do it more, do it more, I love it. 592 00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:41,800 LAUGHTER 593 00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:52,840 Right. We all know that it's rude to pull faces, 594 00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:56,160 but what comes next in this sequence? 595 00:29:56,160 --> 00:29:59,280 That actually looks like Take That just before Robbie left. 596 00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:01,200 AISLING LAUGHS 597 00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:04,960 Very good. Which end are we adding to? So, we are adding to the right. 598 00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:09,080 What's the next one? Is it vomit? It is vomit. It's known as Barf. 599 00:30:09,080 --> 00:30:13,960 This is the Baxter Animated Retching Faces. 600 00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:15,840 What it is, it's used for children 601 00:30:15,840 --> 00:30:19,560 so when they've got nausea and they can't explain exactly how bad 602 00:30:19,560 --> 00:30:23,120 they feel, then you use this, usually with a computer screen, 603 00:30:23,120 --> 00:30:26,080 so the user can kind of scroll up and down and stop at the one 604 00:30:26,080 --> 00:30:28,000 that describes how they're feeling. 605 00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:32,200 I need to bring that and give it to my friends for nights out. 606 00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:35,920 I don't know... 607 00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:35,920 SHE MUMBLES 608 00:30:35,920 --> 00:30:38,960 Darling, point. Point! 609 00:30:38,960 --> 00:30:41,360 Point! She's about to spew. 610 00:30:41,360 --> 00:30:43,720 Hold my hair. John. Hold... 611 00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:48,680 You're all right, darling. You're fine. You're all right. 612 00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:51,320 I'm so sorry. That's OK. We still love you. 613 00:30:51,320 --> 00:30:53,200 She'll be fine. She'll be fine. 614 00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:58,160 Once I get it out, I can go again. That's why we love you. 615 00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:04,560 Am I still pretty, John? Yeah, you're always pretty. 616 00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:06,960 Just wipe that off a bit. There you go. 617 00:31:06,960 --> 00:31:09,680 Best friend I've ever had, John. 618 00:31:11,920 --> 00:31:14,560 Classic me. 619 00:31:14,560 --> 00:31:18,920 Aisling! Yeah? Aisling! Yeah? 620 00:31:18,920 --> 00:31:21,640 SHE MUMBLES 621 00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:24,920 Just say something so we know you're not dead, love. 622 00:31:24,920 --> 00:31:27,160 I'm not dead, love. 623 00:31:27,160 --> 00:31:31,040 Anyway, the retching scale is based on a similar one called 624 00:31:31,040 --> 00:31:33,440 the Wong-Baker Scale which is used for pain. 625 00:31:33,440 --> 00:31:37,120 So, it's the same thing with kids, if you don't really know how much pain they're in. There you are. 626 00:31:37,120 --> 00:31:40,560 It wouldn't be helpful if your child did NOT look like a moon. Yeah. 627 00:31:40,560 --> 00:31:41,920 LAUGHTER 628 00:31:41,920 --> 00:31:44,440 Why should you always be polite to your doctor? 629 00:31:44,440 --> 00:31:46,600 What's in it for you to be polite to your doctor? 630 00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:49,200 Cos they'll spit in your drip behind your back 631 00:31:49,200 --> 00:31:51,760 before they serve it to you. Well, it's worse than that. 632 00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:55,440 I was in a veterinary surgery and I was behind the scenes 633 00:31:55,440 --> 00:31:58,920 and when the bring the animals in, when you hand the animal over, 634 00:31:58,920 --> 00:32:02,280 you don't want to see how they manipulate it and move the animal. 635 00:32:02,280 --> 00:32:04,680 Cos they'd be like, "Oh, is this your cat?" 636 00:32:04,680 --> 00:32:06,920 Yeah. Move the leg! Put it in! 637 00:32:06,920 --> 00:32:09,080 Argh-argh-argh-argh-argh! 638 00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:11,840 But why should you be nice to them? Because when you go into surgery 639 00:32:11,840 --> 00:32:14,600 you don't want them to take it out on you to flip you around 640 00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:16,840 or do something really violent with you. 641 00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:20,160 Well, you want them to be good at their job, is that fair? Yeah. Yes. 642 00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:22,680 OK, so not that. 643 00:32:22,680 --> 00:32:24,320 LAUGHTER 644 00:32:24,320 --> 00:32:27,080 In 2017 they did a study of surgeons in Israel 645 00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:28,840 and they looked at rudeness. 646 00:32:28,840 --> 00:32:32,520 It makes doctors 50% less good at their jobs. 647 00:32:32,520 --> 00:32:35,560 That's the same answer, though. Well, they don't take it out on you, 648 00:32:35,560 --> 00:32:39,240 they just can't help themselves. They performed a simulated surgery 649 00:32:39,240 --> 00:32:41,600 on a child, all the time while they're being yelled at 650 00:32:41,600 --> 00:32:43,360 by one of the child's parents, 651 00:32:43,360 --> 00:32:46,960 and not only did they communicate less well, they made incorrect 652 00:32:46,960 --> 00:32:49,880 diagnosis, they sometimes picked up the wrong instruments 653 00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:53,960 and lots of the patients they were "operating on" would have died. 654 00:32:53,960 --> 00:32:57,200 So be nice because you don't want your doctor to make 655 00:32:57,200 --> 00:33:02,600 a mess of things. Now, why do the most mature people do this? 656 00:33:02,600 --> 00:33:05,280 SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY 657 00:33:05,280 --> 00:33:07,840 I'm staying out of this one. 658 00:33:07,840 --> 00:33:10,000 It's nothing to do with birds. 659 00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:11,480 LAUGHTER 660 00:33:11,480 --> 00:33:14,000 Are we talking about the very elderly or losing control? 661 00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:16,440 I think most people do it but it is done by the most mature people 662 00:33:16,440 --> 00:33:18,840 at a certain age. What age might it be? 663 00:33:18,840 --> 00:33:22,120 Oh, it's developmental milestone, blowing a raspberry. Yeah. 664 00:33:22,120 --> 00:33:23,840 It is absolutely. 665 00:33:23,840 --> 00:33:26,440 A very important part of a baby's language development. 666 00:33:26,440 --> 00:33:28,640 It's the way they learn how to manoeuvre their jaw 667 00:33:28,640 --> 00:33:31,440 and their lips and their tongue and so on, making loud noises 668 00:33:31,440 --> 00:33:35,080 and quiet noises, and the earlier a baby blows a loud raspberry, 669 00:33:35,080 --> 00:33:37,000 the earlier they tend to speak 670 00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:39,240 and it is a sign at that age of maturity. 671 00:33:39,240 --> 00:33:41,440 Fascinating. And then parents blow raspberries back 672 00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:44,040 and that reinforces the behaviour and it's how we teach them that 673 00:33:44,040 --> 00:33:46,960 it's worth making that noise cos you'll communicate. 674 00:33:46,960 --> 00:33:49,160 John, please. John. 675 00:33:49,160 --> 00:33:50,920 LAUGHTER 676 00:33:50,920 --> 00:33:53,560 They did a study in 2018 of babies' first words. 677 00:33:53,560 --> 00:33:57,680 London infants are the most rude, apparently. West Midlands... 678 00:33:57,680 --> 00:34:00,120 LAUGHTER 679 00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:03,920 West Midlands are the most polite. I love this - Scottish babies 680 00:34:03,920 --> 00:34:06,640 learn quicker than others to say the word sorry. 681 00:34:06,640 --> 00:34:10,240 SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Sorry, sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry." 682 00:34:10,240 --> 00:34:12,000 The Montessori Method of Education, 683 00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:15,120 when children start to talk back and start to question the rules, 684 00:34:15,120 --> 00:34:17,120 they refer to that as the age of rudeness. 685 00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:19,760 It's a good sign if your child is spirited and rude, 686 00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:22,680 it means they're making a bit of space for themselves in the world. 687 00:34:22,680 --> 00:34:25,800 The alternative is for them to slip into depression. 688 00:34:25,800 --> 00:34:29,000 No, rudeness and talking back is a sign of advanced maturity. 689 00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:31,600 I mean, it's annoying but it's still a thing. 690 00:34:31,600 --> 00:34:34,960 Household assistants like Siri and Alexa are becoming more common. 691 00:34:34,960 --> 00:34:36,600 What is the effect on children? 692 00:34:36,600 --> 00:34:38,960 They don't know to say please and thank you, maybe, 693 00:34:38,960 --> 00:34:41,960 cos they can demand... You're absolutely right. 694 00:34:41,960 --> 00:34:44,080 It is making children more rude. 695 00:34:44,080 --> 00:34:48,200 42% of children 9-16 are using them, and you do not have to say please 696 00:34:48,200 --> 00:34:51,000 or thank you, so they are making children more rude. 697 00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:53,600 Blowing raspberries is a sign of maturity... 698 00:34:53,600 --> 00:34:55,160 ALAN BLOWS A RASPBERRY 699 00:34:55,160 --> 00:34:57,360 LAUGHTER 700 00:34:57,360 --> 00:34:59,360 ..but only in babies. 701 00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:02,080 All of which brings us to the fruity matter of general ignorance. 702 00:35:02,080 --> 00:35:04,000 Fingers on buzzers, please. 703 00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:07,720 Name a body part that is built only for pleasure. 704 00:35:07,720 --> 00:35:09,600 Oh! 705 00:35:09,600 --> 00:35:11,200 The clitoris? 706 00:35:11,200 --> 00:35:14,640 KLAXON BLARES 707 00:35:14,640 --> 00:35:18,240 Can I just say, that is the biggest clitoris I have ever seen? 708 00:35:18,240 --> 00:35:21,400 LAUGHTER 709 00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:23,720 It's the first one I've ever seen! 710 00:35:23,720 --> 00:35:25,600 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 711 00:35:27,880 --> 00:35:31,280 Not true. Why do we think that? Oi! Yes, darling? Is it feet? 712 00:35:31,280 --> 00:35:32,760 No, it's not feet. 713 00:35:32,760 --> 00:35:37,080 But I'm just going to say, I'm just going to finish with the clitoris. 714 00:35:37,080 --> 00:35:40,560 So, it used to be thought that it was the only human organ 715 00:35:40,560 --> 00:35:42,080 whose sole function was pleasure. 716 00:35:42,080 --> 00:35:44,360 One of the things that we now know is that it's actually 717 00:35:44,360 --> 00:35:46,840 fantastically clever. So, the clitoris informs the brain 718 00:35:46,840 --> 00:35:50,040 that it's time to create THE very best swimming conditions for sperm. 719 00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:53,080 So it's in men's interests to engage the clitoris in what's going on. 720 00:35:53,080 --> 00:35:55,800 That's right, man at the back, who thinks all you need... 721 00:35:55,800 --> 00:35:58,360 LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH 722 00:35:58,360 --> 00:36:00,640 Do you remember when you were younger, 723 00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:02,480 this sort of word that's gone out of use? 724 00:36:02,480 --> 00:36:04,920 There used to be erogenous zones. Zones, yes. 725 00:36:04,920 --> 00:36:07,880 People would say, "What's your erogenous zone?" Yeah. 726 00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:09,640 PHILL: Basildon. 727 00:36:09,640 --> 00:36:11,160 LAUGHTER 728 00:36:13,080 --> 00:36:14,880 Zone six! 729 00:36:18,160 --> 00:36:20,800 But, yeah, people were obsessed with ear lobes. 730 00:36:20,800 --> 00:36:23,520 "Oh, it's the ear lobes." Yes. The ear lobes is not an erogenous zone. 731 00:36:23,520 --> 00:36:27,080 No, not at all. What a day for that lady to go modelling. 732 00:36:27,080 --> 00:36:30,160 LAUGHTER Yeah. Neither here nor there... 733 00:36:30,160 --> 00:36:32,960 You know when you buy a chicken and it hasn't been plucked properly, 734 00:36:32,960 --> 00:36:34,640 you know that? 735 00:36:34,640 --> 00:36:37,680 PHILL: It looks like Desperate Dan's chin. 736 00:36:37,680 --> 00:36:40,840 Is it the perineum? Er, no. 737 00:36:40,840 --> 00:36:44,200 So, we're still on the part that is entirely... The appendix? No. 738 00:36:44,200 --> 00:36:46,560 It's a part of the brain that is entirely wired for pleasure 739 00:36:46,560 --> 00:36:49,480 and it is called the nucleus accumbens. It is... 740 00:36:49,480 --> 00:36:51,600 Oh, I forgot the question was pleasure. Pleasure. 741 00:36:51,600 --> 00:36:55,040 And I was like, "Is it the appendix?" Yeah. I was going to say, 742 00:36:55,040 --> 00:36:57,320 how are you pleasuring your appendix? Yeah. 743 00:36:57,320 --> 00:37:00,080 SHE FEIGNS MOANS OF PLEASURE 744 00:36:57,320 --> 00:37:00,080 No. 745 00:37:00,080 --> 00:37:02,720 So, it's the bit of the brain that when we feel rewarded in some way, 746 00:37:02,720 --> 00:37:04,920 we eat food, or we take drugs, or we have sex or whatever, 747 00:37:04,920 --> 00:37:08,280 it fires in dopamine into the body and makes you feel good. 748 00:37:08,280 --> 00:37:12,040 So, it's the bit of the body that is there just for pleasure. 749 00:37:12,040 --> 00:37:13,800 You should just do that a lot, then. 750 00:37:15,040 --> 00:37:18,120 Well, just help yourself. Hit your head off that. 751 00:37:18,120 --> 00:37:20,560 Yeah. Oh, I feel great. Yeah. 752 00:37:20,560 --> 00:37:23,520 Ow! Sorry! 753 00:37:23,520 --> 00:37:26,040 Notice how I didn't do it. "John, try that." 754 00:37:26,040 --> 00:37:28,480 Remind me not to listen to you again! 755 00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:31,960 I'm just going to say, I don't think that's going to do it. OK. 756 00:37:31,960 --> 00:37:34,760 Which country's national poem begins with the words 757 00:37:34,760 --> 00:37:37,080 "O Lithuania"? 758 00:37:37,080 --> 00:37:38,560 Is it Latvia? 759 00:37:38,560 --> 00:37:40,840 KLAXON BLARES 760 00:37:40,840 --> 00:37:43,760 APPLAUSE 761 00:37:43,760 --> 00:37:46,760 What's the other one? Estonia. Estonia. 762 00:37:46,760 --> 00:37:49,720 KLAXON BLARES 763 00:37:49,720 --> 00:37:52,760 Is it Lithuania? Lithuania. Can we put that up there? 764 00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:55,160 KLAXON BLARES 765 00:37:55,160 --> 00:37:57,080 Er, no, it's Poland. Oh. Ah. 766 00:37:57,080 --> 00:37:59,920 So your family comes originally from Lithuania, do they not? 767 00:37:59,920 --> 00:38:01,680 Yes, my stepdad's family. Jupitus? 768 00:38:01,680 --> 00:38:04,840 Is Jupitus...? They are from... Seputis, yes, from Vilnius. 769 00:38:04,840 --> 00:38:07,160 But the answer is, in fact, it's from Poland. 770 00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:09,120 It's from their national poem. 771 00:38:09,120 --> 00:38:11,480 So, there was a poet called Adam Mickiewicz 772 00:38:11,480 --> 00:38:12,960 and the opening verse begins... 773 00:38:12,960 --> 00:38:14,320 O Lithuania, my country, thou 774 00:38:14,320 --> 00:38:16,720 Art like good health I never knew till now 775 00:38:16,720 --> 00:38:18,920 How precious, till I lost thee. 776 00:38:18,920 --> 00:38:22,920 So, why is it part of the Polish national anthem, do we think? 777 00:38:22,920 --> 00:38:24,440 Are they slagging Lithuania? No. 778 00:38:24,440 --> 00:38:26,800 So, there used to be the Polish Lithuanian Commonwealth. 779 00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:29,880 We miss you. We miss you, yeah. Basically, we miss you. 780 00:38:29,880 --> 00:38:32,600 Longest national anthem in the world, anybody? 781 00:38:32,600 --> 00:38:36,800 Have a guess. North Korea. It's Greece. It's got 158... 782 00:38:36,800 --> 00:38:38,520 No, that's a musical. 783 00:38:38,520 --> 00:38:40,560 LAUGHTER 784 00:38:40,560 --> 00:38:42,440 It's not a national anthem, Sandi. 785 00:38:42,440 --> 00:38:45,560 It's a great musical. It stars a woman called Sandy. 786 00:38:45,560 --> 00:38:47,400 LAUGHTER 787 00:38:47,400 --> 00:38:49,600 So, 158 stanzas in the Greek one. 788 00:38:49,600 --> 00:38:52,920 They only use two because, you know, like, who would do all that? 789 00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:56,520 My favourite, Congo's national anthem asks, 790 00:38:56,520 --> 00:38:59,960 "And if we have to die does it really matter?" 791 00:38:59,960 --> 00:39:02,600 LAUGHTER 792 00:39:02,600 --> 00:39:05,000 What can it mean when you smell burnt toast? 793 00:39:05,000 --> 00:39:06,920 You're having a stroke. 794 00:39:06,920 --> 00:39:09,640 KLAXON BLARES 795 00:39:09,640 --> 00:39:13,880 What a pleasing image that is to see those words flashing over John. 796 00:39:13,880 --> 00:39:15,720 LAUGHTER 797 00:39:15,720 --> 00:39:18,080 It means you've overheated your bread. Is it really? 798 00:39:18,080 --> 00:39:20,720 It's honestly just that. They say if you smell burnt toast 799 00:39:20,720 --> 00:39:23,160 or if you feel like you're starting to droop... 800 00:39:23,160 --> 00:39:25,640 Who tells you this, a doctor you've shouted at? 801 00:39:25,640 --> 00:39:27,640 LAUGHTER 802 00:39:27,640 --> 00:39:29,640 No, a vet! 803 00:39:29,640 --> 00:39:31,680 That's what I always thought it was. 804 00:39:31,680 --> 00:39:33,240 It's a common misconception. 805 00:39:33,240 --> 00:39:35,720 No, but you know what's really scary, though, because my husband 806 00:39:35,720 --> 00:39:38,280 must be doing something to me because every morning I wake up 807 00:39:38,280 --> 00:39:42,040 smelling burnt toast and there's never any toast to eat. 808 00:39:42,040 --> 00:39:44,520 He's making me think I'm having a stroke! 809 00:39:44,520 --> 00:39:45,920 LAUGHTER 810 00:39:45,920 --> 00:39:48,840 Phantosmia is when you think you can smell something and so you are 811 00:39:48,840 --> 00:39:50,400 having an olfactory dysfunction. 812 00:39:50,400 --> 00:39:52,720 No, I think my husband's actually burning toast in the morning 813 00:39:52,720 --> 00:39:55,120 and trying to get me to think I'm having a stroke every morning. 814 00:39:55,120 --> 00:39:58,480 Yeah. It wakes me up in a panic. He's gaslighting you. Yes. Yes. 815 00:39:58,480 --> 00:40:01,320 So, you are not having a stroke. You are not having a brain tumour. 816 00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:03,800 If you had a stroke, it doesn't affect particularly your sense of 817 00:40:03,800 --> 00:40:06,920 smell and there is no specific scent that you should look out for. 818 00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:09,600 You are unlikely to be having a stroke if you can smell toast. 819 00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:12,360 You're more likely to be having breakfast. Yes. 820 00:40:13,920 --> 00:40:17,840 Why shouldn't you flash in an art gallery? 821 00:40:17,840 --> 00:40:20,240 LAUGHTER 822 00:40:20,240 --> 00:40:24,440 If you take a photograph with the flash... It can bleach the painting. 823 00:40:24,440 --> 00:40:28,120 KLAXON BLARES 824 00:40:28,120 --> 00:40:31,520 I thought it did. Lots of people do think it will, I dunno, 825 00:40:31,520 --> 00:40:35,360 bleach the delicate colours of the painting. It's not true. Why, then? 826 00:40:35,360 --> 00:40:37,840 In order for any damage to be done, you'd have to have a flash 827 00:40:37,840 --> 00:40:40,440 as powerful as the ones inside professional photography studios, 828 00:40:40,440 --> 00:40:44,040 but the effect would be so small, it would be invisible to the eye. 829 00:40:44,040 --> 00:40:47,120 First of all you'll get a terrible photograph. 830 00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:49,680 Also it's very annoying for everybody else. 831 00:40:49,680 --> 00:40:53,080 Also does it make the gallery less money if everyone's just taking pictures? 832 00:40:53,080 --> 00:40:56,000 "You don't need to see it, guys, I got a picture." 833 00:40:56,000 --> 00:40:58,600 Cos you know the Mona Lisa's hard to get a picture of? 834 00:40:58,600 --> 00:41:00,840 Because there's so many people in front of it. 835 00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:03,800 What I found hilarious about the Mona Lisa when I went to see it... 836 00:41:03,800 --> 00:41:06,920 I went to the Louvre. Oh, Phill! And I went... 837 00:41:06,920 --> 00:41:09,800 Well, that's where it is, so that's good. Yeah. 838 00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:12,720 LAUGHTER 839 00:41:12,720 --> 00:41:15,240 So far it was going well for you. 840 00:41:15,240 --> 00:41:18,840 Yeah, you know what? I'll bail out from that anecdote. 841 00:41:18,840 --> 00:41:22,520 Aw, Phill, we want to know. 842 00:41:22,520 --> 00:41:24,840 Tell us, Phill! 843 00:41:24,840 --> 00:41:29,000 AUDIENCE: Tell us, Phill. Tell us. 844 00:41:29,000 --> 00:41:30,640 LAUGHTER 845 00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:38,280 Actually, cos I'm 57, I've genuinely forgotten what I was going to say. 846 00:41:38,280 --> 00:41:40,960 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 847 00:41:45,360 --> 00:41:48,280 The best argument for not flashing in an art gallery 848 00:41:48,280 --> 00:41:50,200 is that it's a little bit rude. 849 00:41:50,200 --> 00:41:53,800 All of which ungentlemanly and unladylike conduct brings us 850 00:41:53,800 --> 00:41:58,040 to the slightly tactless moment where we find out just how useless 851 00:41:58,040 --> 00:42:04,360 everybody has been. So, let me tell you, in last place, oh, with -10, 852 00:42:04,360 --> 00:42:06,760 it's the audience. 853 00:42:06,760 --> 00:42:08,200 CHEERING 854 00:42:10,400 --> 00:42:13,760 In fourth place, well, a complete disgrace, with -5, it's Phill. 855 00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:16,080 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 856 00:42:17,640 --> 00:42:19,920 Sticking their tongue out with -2, it's Aisling. 857 00:42:19,920 --> 00:42:23,320 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 858 00:42:23,320 --> 00:42:25,960 In second place, cocking a snook with -1, it's Alan. 859 00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:27,600 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 860 00:42:27,600 --> 00:42:30,320 -1! That's pretty good. 861 00:42:30,320 --> 00:42:36,840 In first place, flipping everybody the bird, with one point, it's John. 862 00:42:36,840 --> 00:42:38,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 863 00:42:44,240 --> 00:42:46,880 Thank you so much to Aisling, John, Phill and Alan. 864 00:42:46,880 --> 00:42:49,600 I leave you with these wise words from the founder of a nation, 865 00:42:49,600 --> 00:42:51,760 US President George Washington. 866 00:42:51,760 --> 00:42:55,560 "The foolish and wicked practice of profane cursing and swearing 867 00:42:55,560 --> 00:42:59,120 "is a vice so mean and low that every person of sense and character 868 00:42:59,120 --> 00:43:01,400 "detests and despises it." 869 00:43:01,400 --> 00:43:03,760 Wow, what a boring twat he was. 871 00:43:03,760 --> 00:43:06,200 Thank you and goodnight.