1 00:00:27,300 --> 00:00:32,380 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:36,260 --> 00:00:40,260 Hello, and welcome to QI, where tonight we are ready to 3 00:00:40,260 --> 00:00:44,180 rejoice at the most wonderful time of the year. Merry Christmas! 4 00:00:44,180 --> 00:00:48,420 And joining me are a wise man - Chris McCausland. 5 00:00:48,420 --> 00:00:50,540 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 6 00:00:50,540 --> 00:00:52,900 A shining star - Holly Walsh. 7 00:00:52,900 --> 00:00:55,540 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 8 00:00:55,540 --> 00:00:58,820 A venerated virgin - Justin Moorhouse. 9 00:00:58,820 --> 00:01:01,580 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 00:01:01,580 --> 00:01:04,020 And a bit of an ass - Alan Davies. 11 00:01:04,020 --> 00:01:06,780 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 12 00:01:06,780 --> 00:01:08,820 OK. 13 00:01:08,820 --> 00:01:12,020 Of course, their buzzers are all rejoicing. I will conduct you. 14 00:01:12,020 --> 00:01:14,860 So, Chris, if you could start us off, please. 15 00:01:14,860 --> 00:01:17,500 # Hallelujah! # 16 00:01:17,500 --> 00:01:18,700 And Holly? 17 00:01:18,700 --> 00:01:21,100 # Hallelujah! # 18 00:01:21,100 --> 00:01:23,420 And Justin? # Hallelujah! # 19 00:01:23,420 --> 00:01:25,220 Alan? # Hallelujah! # 20 00:01:25,220 --> 00:01:28,300 And because it's Christmas, I gave myself a buzzer. 21 00:01:28,300 --> 00:01:33,380 # Halle 22 00:01:33,380 --> 00:01:37,180 # Lujah! # 23 00:01:37,180 --> 00:01:40,140 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah! I know, right? 24 00:01:43,100 --> 00:01:46,660 Now, I want you to imagine it's Christmas Eve 25 00:01:46,660 --> 00:01:49,140 and you are looking for a very quick present. 26 00:01:49,140 --> 00:01:51,860 What beats four calling birds, 27 00:01:51,860 --> 00:01:55,140 three French hens, two turtle doves 28 00:01:55,140 --> 00:01:57,940 and a partridge in a pear tree? 29 00:01:57,940 --> 00:02:00,340 # Hallelujah! # Yes, Chris? 30 00:02:00,340 --> 00:02:02,460 I'm going to take one for the team and say... 31 00:02:02,460 --> 00:02:04,900 # Five gold rings! # 32 00:02:04,900 --> 00:02:07,260 KLAXON 33 00:02:09,020 --> 00:02:11,540 To be honest, I'd rather that than just have it building up 34 00:02:11,540 --> 00:02:13,620 inside me for the rest of the show. Yes. No. 35 00:02:13,620 --> 00:02:16,180 So I'm going to give you a clue - those were all birds 36 00:02:16,180 --> 00:02:18,860 and we are looking for the next bird on the list. 37 00:02:18,860 --> 00:02:21,060 # Hallelujah! # Six geese a-laying. 38 00:02:21,060 --> 00:02:23,300 Six geese a-laying is absolutely right. 39 00:02:23,300 --> 00:02:26,060 It beats all the birds on our list in one respect, the goose. 40 00:02:26,060 --> 00:02:29,020 Can fly further? It can fly faster. 41 00:02:29,020 --> 00:02:33,100 Actually, to be more specific, it's a spur-winged goose. 42 00:02:33,100 --> 00:02:35,460 There it is, a beautiful thing. 43 00:02:35,460 --> 00:02:40,980 More importantly, what impact has this question had on the world? 44 00:02:40,980 --> 00:02:45,420 Has it brought down more aeroplanes than any other bird? 45 00:02:45,420 --> 00:02:47,820 Wow, that's...horrible. 46 00:02:47,820 --> 00:02:49,500 No, it's not that. 47 00:02:49,500 --> 00:02:53,620 Is it responsible for the shape of wings on planes? Oh. 48 00:02:53,620 --> 00:02:55,580 I don't mean it designs them, but, like... 49 00:02:55,580 --> 00:02:58,860 "The geese are doing the wings. 50 00:02:58,860 --> 00:03:03,580 "They've got lots of good ideas. Listen up - they can fly." 51 00:03:03,580 --> 00:03:06,380 So, the book, Guinness World Records, 52 00:03:06,380 --> 00:03:08,700 which used to be known as the Guinness Book Of Records, 53 00:03:08,700 --> 00:03:11,300 started with an argument about the speed of game birds. 54 00:03:11,300 --> 00:03:13,500 Wait, so now it's called the Book...the Guinness...? 55 00:03:13,500 --> 00:03:15,260 It's now called Guinness World Records, 56 00:03:15,260 --> 00:03:17,340 and it used to be called the Guinness Book of Records. 57 00:03:17,340 --> 00:03:19,780 So, but it's called the Book of the Guinness World Records? 58 00:03:19,780 --> 00:03:23,260 OK. The book is now entitled Guinness World Records, 59 00:03:23,260 --> 00:03:25,060 but doesn't have the word "book" in it. 60 00:03:25,060 --> 00:03:27,380 Guinness Book of Records. Yeah. Guinness Book of Records. 61 00:03:27,380 --> 00:03:29,740 The Book of Guinness Records. Guinness World Records. 62 00:03:29,740 --> 00:03:31,740 This is like STIs, STDs, all over again. Yeah. 63 00:03:31,740 --> 00:03:33,420 Is the book sponsored by Guinness? 64 00:03:33,420 --> 00:03:37,020 So it was originally put forward by the MD of Guinness Brewery. 65 00:03:37,020 --> 00:03:40,700 So it all started in a competition to decide who knew 66 00:03:40,700 --> 00:03:42,340 the fastest game bird, OK? 67 00:03:42,340 --> 00:03:44,780 And they were having a pint of Guinness and they thought...? 68 00:03:44,780 --> 00:03:46,620 No, they were out hunting game birds. 69 00:03:46,620 --> 00:03:49,460 So there's a guy called Sir Hugh Eyre Campbell Beaver, 70 00:03:49,460 --> 00:03:52,700 and he was on a grouse... ALAN LAUGHS I know, it's very pleasing. 71 00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:56,740 This is the story of a man called Beaver. You can't have that many names, that's just greed. Iknow. 72 00:03:56,740 --> 00:04:00,100 People will have called him Hugh Beaver. Hugh Beaver. Sir Beaver. 73 00:04:00,100 --> 00:04:03,460 Huge Beaver, that's what they called him. 74 00:04:03,460 --> 00:04:06,900 Huge Hairy Campbell Beaver. 75 00:04:06,900 --> 00:04:09,220 That's what they call him behind his back. 76 00:04:09,220 --> 00:04:11,100 "Here he comes, Huge Beaver." 77 00:04:11,100 --> 00:04:14,260 The Beaver Book Of Records sounds much better. That is better. 78 00:04:14,260 --> 00:04:17,580 The Book Of Beaver Records. Book Of Beavers. The Guinness Book Of Beavers. 79 00:04:17,580 --> 00:04:20,700 The Book Of Huge Beavers. Yes, World Beaver. 80 00:04:20,700 --> 00:04:23,980 "What's the fastest beaver, Huge?" 81 00:04:23,980 --> 00:04:29,820 Beaver, as I like to call him, was on a grouse shoot in 1954 and he got 82 00:04:29,820 --> 00:04:33,940 into a row with a friend about what was the fastest European game bird. 83 00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:36,700 Very pleasingly, they had this discussion in a place in Ireland 84 00:04:36,700 --> 00:04:39,180 called North Slob. 85 00:04:39,180 --> 00:04:41,420 That's me. 86 00:04:41,420 --> 00:04:44,820 Anyway, so, Beaver, who was the MD of Guinness Breweries, claimed 87 00:04:44,820 --> 00:04:47,420 it was the golden plover, and his friend said it was the grouse. 88 00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:49,980 And so they decided that there was a gap in the market for a book 89 00:04:49,980 --> 00:04:52,940 like this and they commissioned Norris and Ross McWhirter 90 00:04:52,940 --> 00:04:56,740 to write this book. Are they twins? Or do they just dress exactly the same? No, they were twins. 91 00:04:56,740 --> 00:05:00,780 They were on Record Breakers, weren't they? Yes, darling. One of them was. Yes, with Roy Castle. 92 00:05:00,780 --> 00:05:04,820 Yeah. Who do you think won - the one who thought it was the grouse or the one who thought it was the plover? 93 00:05:04,820 --> 00:05:07,420 It turns out it was a goose, so neither of them. Exactly. 94 00:05:07,420 --> 00:05:11,340 The grouse is faster than the plover, but the spur-winged goose is faster than either one of those. 95 00:05:11,340 --> 00:05:14,500 It all depends where the wind's blowing, doesn't it, for a bird? Yeah, I think. 96 00:05:14,500 --> 00:05:17,220 I've seen birds sometimes where they're really not in control 97 00:05:17,220 --> 00:05:20,260 of what they're doing and they're just trying to style it out. Yeah, just... 98 00:05:20,260 --> 00:05:23,940 They take off in a high wind and they're filled with regret and they can't go back to thenest 99 00:05:23,940 --> 00:05:27,140 and they're just trying to style it out, but they're being buffeted around. 100 00:05:27,140 --> 00:05:28,940 And then they come in with feet like that. 101 00:05:28,940 --> 00:05:32,020 If you see a duck landing on a pond in a high wind, that's hilarious. 102 00:05:32,020 --> 00:05:35,500 Yeah. Some birds, little birds, can go at terrific speeds through a bush 103 00:05:35,500 --> 00:05:38,500 and then just come to a standstill on a twig, 104 00:05:38,500 --> 00:05:41,580 defying all the laws of physics. Whereas a duck needs basically 105 00:05:41,580 --> 00:05:45,420 the English Channel just to come to a stop. 106 00:05:45,420 --> 00:05:49,300 So the spur-winged goose is the fastest game bird in the world. 107 00:05:49,300 --> 00:05:51,140 What's the problem with this? 108 00:05:51,140 --> 00:05:54,340 Game birds. Yes. It's not really a game bird. 109 00:05:54,340 --> 00:05:56,700 So it's only found in Sub-Saharan Africa. 110 00:05:56,700 --> 00:05:58,820 It also eats something called blister beetles, 111 00:05:58,820 --> 00:06:00,940 which makes the flesh entirely toxic, 112 00:06:00,940 --> 00:06:05,340 so you'd die if you ate a spur-winged goose, and it's not really a goose. 113 00:06:05,340 --> 00:06:08,300 Other than that, I think it's a perfect world record holder. 114 00:06:09,780 --> 00:06:12,740 Blister beetle. So, the book was first given away as a promotion. 115 00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:15,620 They printed 1,000 copies and they gave it away free with beer, 116 00:06:15,620 --> 00:06:18,820 but it proved to be so popular that they decided to put it on sale 117 00:06:18,820 --> 00:06:22,020 and it became a Christmas best-seller that year and every year since. 118 00:06:22,020 --> 00:06:26,660 And, in fact, Guinness World Records holds the Guinness World Record 119 00:06:26,660 --> 00:06:30,340 for the best-selling copyrighted book of all time. 120 00:06:30,340 --> 00:06:33,980 Sounds a bit convenient, don't you think? Yeah. I know, as they're judging, right? 121 00:06:33,980 --> 00:06:36,340 Of course they'd say that, wouldn't they? Yeah. Yeah. 122 00:06:36,340 --> 00:06:39,140 Let's bring out the Martini Book Of Real Facts. 123 00:06:39,140 --> 00:06:41,340 LAUGHTER 124 00:06:44,140 --> 00:06:47,060 The Cinzano Book Of Lies. 125 00:06:47,060 --> 00:06:49,740 Funny how they just... It was the Guinness Book Of Records 126 00:06:49,740 --> 00:06:52,740 and now it's the Carling Pamphlet Of Stuff. 127 00:06:55,500 --> 00:07:00,740 Guinness World Records has sold over 130 million copies since 1955, 128 00:07:00,740 --> 00:07:03,820 but once you include non-copyrighted books, 129 00:07:03,820 --> 00:07:06,700 estimates are that the Bible has sold over five billion copies. 130 00:07:06,700 --> 00:07:08,900 I mean, you'd think everybody must have one by now. 131 00:07:08,900 --> 00:07:10,540 We've got one in our house. 132 00:07:10,540 --> 00:07:12,340 We've got about 11 in our house. Why? 133 00:07:12,340 --> 00:07:14,780 Cos my mum's a vicar. Oh, that's right, I forgot. Sorry. 134 00:07:14,780 --> 00:07:17,060 Yeah. Yes. It's kind of the textbook. Yeah. 135 00:07:17,060 --> 00:07:19,860 Is she a very forgetful vicar? Does she keep buying them? 136 00:07:19,860 --> 00:07:22,700 "You've already had that one, Mum! You've read it!" 137 00:07:22,700 --> 00:07:24,740 The great thing about the Bible is, 138 00:07:24,740 --> 00:07:26,140 spoiler alert, cos there's no... 139 00:07:26,140 --> 00:07:28,420 It's such a massive twist at the end. Yeah, it is, quite. 140 00:07:28,420 --> 00:07:31,060 The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is... Comes out of nowhere. 141 00:07:31,060 --> 00:07:32,460 Is that what it ends with? 142 00:07:32,460 --> 00:07:33,900 Oh, sorry. 143 00:07:33,900 --> 00:07:37,940 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 144 00:07:40,620 --> 00:07:44,660 What I like is that the Guinness World Records 1978 edition is 145 00:07:44,660 --> 00:07:48,380 also listed as the book most stolen from public libraries in Britain. 146 00:07:48,380 --> 00:07:51,380 Other Christmassy records awarded by Guinness World Records include 147 00:07:51,380 --> 00:07:55,940 largest group of carol singers. Was won by a Nigerian choir, there. 148 00:07:55,940 --> 00:07:59,020 Wow. 25,272 singers. 149 00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:01,900 This is a very good one. Fastest time - have a guess at this - 150 00:08:01,900 --> 00:08:05,780 fastest time to eat all the chocolates from an advent calendar 151 00:08:05,780 --> 00:08:08,060 in the correct order? 152 00:08:08,060 --> 00:08:10,460 24 days. 153 00:08:11,580 --> 00:08:13,140 12 seconds. 154 00:08:13,140 --> 00:08:14,500 7. 4. 155 00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:16,940 It's a minute and 27 seconds. What?! 156 00:08:16,940 --> 00:08:20,020 Yeah. What was he doing?! I've done it quicker than that, definitely. 157 00:08:20,020 --> 00:08:23,020 By this guy, Kevin "LA Beast" Strahle. 158 00:08:23,020 --> 00:08:26,300 He also has the record for the most chicken nuggets, 159 00:08:26,300 --> 00:08:29,980 most powdered doughnuts and drinking a litre of maple syrup. 160 00:08:29,980 --> 00:08:33,500 Imagine, like, how many he's got to go through to get to that level. 161 00:08:33,500 --> 00:08:36,260 I know. Yeah. He's probably got to do, like, 200 calendars 162 00:08:36,260 --> 00:08:39,780 and 50 litres of whatever it was, maple syrup, was it? Yeah. 163 00:08:39,780 --> 00:08:42,940 Fastest marathon dressed as a Christmas tree? 164 00:08:42,940 --> 00:08:46,140 3 hours and 43 minutes. Oh, that's good going. 165 00:08:46,140 --> 00:08:48,860 Largest gathering of people dressed as Santa Claus 166 00:08:48,860 --> 00:08:53,620 was broken in Kerala in India in 2014 by 18,112 Santas. Oh, wow. 167 00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:57,180 Look at that! I know. But you're going to love this, OK, 168 00:08:57,180 --> 00:08:59,820 the previous record for the biggest Santa gathering had been 169 00:08:59,820 --> 00:09:02,180 set in Newtown in Wales in 2004. 170 00:09:02,180 --> 00:09:06,500 More than 4,260 Santas went for an annual charity run 171 00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:09,580 but it finished in a mass street brawl... 172 00:09:09,580 --> 00:09:12,740 LAUGHTER 173 00:09:12,740 --> 00:09:17,260 ..which involved 30 Santas slugging it out. 174 00:09:17,260 --> 00:09:20,140 So the Elves and I thought, you know, how hard can these records be? 175 00:09:20,140 --> 00:09:22,580 We decided we're going to try and break one. 176 00:09:22,580 --> 00:09:24,780 So, first up, Holly and Chris, 177 00:09:24,780 --> 00:09:30,700 fastest time to put on five Christmas jumpers, OK? 178 00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:33,860 And our judge is the editor-in-chief of Guinness World Records. 179 00:09:33,860 --> 00:09:35,700 Please welcome Craig Glenday. 180 00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:38,820 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 181 00:09:43,380 --> 00:09:46,140 Craig, what are the rules, darling, that we need to follow? 182 00:09:46,140 --> 00:09:48,020 It is five jumpers you have to put on. 183 00:09:48,020 --> 00:09:50,380 If you have one jumper on now, that doesn't count, 184 00:09:50,380 --> 00:09:54,380 so a T-shirt is fine, topless is fine, but no... 185 00:09:54,380 --> 00:09:56,900 Are we getting them now? Let's do this. I'll do it in this. 186 00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:59,060 Tell me when you're ready, darling. OK. 187 00:09:59,060 --> 00:10:03,340 OK, so the... Wait, wait, wait. Don't touch them yet. You have in front of you... Don't touch them yet. 188 00:10:03,340 --> 00:10:05,420 OK. So they have to be on the floor? Yes. 189 00:10:05,420 --> 00:10:09,500 So, in front of you are five jumpers that are in increasing size. 190 00:10:09,500 --> 00:10:12,180 Don't touch them until I say go. 191 00:10:12,180 --> 00:10:16,380 And make sure it's pulled down below the waist. OK. 192 00:10:16,380 --> 00:10:19,220 I might punch myself out doing this. 193 00:10:19,220 --> 00:10:21,980 Right, but they need to get quicker than 20 seconds. 194 00:10:21,980 --> 00:10:24,780 Is Holly allowed to kneel to start? That's fine. That's fine? 195 00:10:24,780 --> 00:10:27,580 I can't actually see, but as long as you're not touching the jumpers. 196 00:10:27,580 --> 00:10:30,660 ALAN: Holly's doing it kneeling down. Do you want to kneel, Chris? 197 00:10:30,660 --> 00:10:33,140 She's not touching the jumpers. No, I'm all right, thanks. 198 00:10:33,140 --> 00:10:35,260 It brings back bad memories of church. OK. 199 00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:37,220 LAUGHTER 200 00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:38,780 For several reasons. 201 00:10:38,780 --> 00:10:41,180 APPLAUSE 202 00:10:43,180 --> 00:10:46,060 OK. Actually, no, Holly, I do need you to stand. 203 00:10:46,060 --> 00:10:50,340 Holly, get up, you cheat! Over to you, Craig, to get us going. 204 00:10:50,340 --> 00:10:53,180 Three, two, one - go! 205 00:10:53,180 --> 00:10:55,380 ALAN: Go on, Chris! Go on, Chris! 206 00:10:55,380 --> 00:10:58,700 CHEERING, SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT 207 00:11:10,980 --> 00:11:13,260 Go, go, go, go, go! 208 00:11:13,260 --> 00:11:15,940 KLAXON 209 00:11:15,940 --> 00:11:18,540 Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going. 210 00:11:18,540 --> 00:11:21,500 You've got one more. You've got to pull them all down below your waist. 211 00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:24,100 There's one more. One more, Chris, you can do this. 212 00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,220 The friction's killing me! 213 00:11:26,220 --> 00:11:28,900 CHEERING 214 00:11:28,900 --> 00:11:31,180 One more, Chris, one more! 215 00:11:31,180 --> 00:11:33,980 LAUGHTER 216 00:11:33,980 --> 00:11:36,860 Don't fall for that, don't look for any more. Phew! 217 00:11:36,860 --> 00:11:39,180 How was that, Craig? It was interesting. 218 00:11:39,180 --> 00:11:43,060 I think, Holly, you clocked a time of 31 seconds, 219 00:11:43,060 --> 00:11:45,260 but you didn't seem to be standing. 220 00:11:45,260 --> 00:11:49,220 I'm short. But are you...? Are you standing now, or...? Yes. 221 00:11:49,220 --> 00:11:51,900 Yeah, no, then you were shorter during the attempt, 222 00:11:51,900 --> 00:11:55,100 so I think I might have to disqualify you. Oh! 223 00:11:55,100 --> 00:11:57,740 And, also, where is your waistline? 224 00:11:57,740 --> 00:12:00,700 This is such a personal question to ask on television. 225 00:12:00,700 --> 00:12:03,860 You think it's bad, there's people watching this at home now going, 226 00:12:03,860 --> 00:12:07,300 "That lad sat next to Sandi, he's already wearing 15 jumpers." 227 00:12:07,300 --> 00:12:10,140 LAUGHTER 228 00:12:10,140 --> 00:12:13,180 And Chris? Chris... How did I do, then, Craig? 229 00:12:13,180 --> 00:12:16,380 Well, you did 35 seconds. I was happy that it was a valid attempt. 230 00:12:16,380 --> 00:12:20,140 Yeah. But, yes, the minimum, unfortunately, for this record, 231 00:12:20,140 --> 00:12:25,460 which is based on existing speed jumper-wearing, is 20 seconds. Oh. 232 00:12:25,460 --> 00:12:27,820 So I'm afraid it's not an actual record. 233 00:12:27,820 --> 00:12:29,860 Craig, can I ask a serious question, though? 234 00:12:29,860 --> 00:12:32,860 What is the record for a blind man putting on five jumpers? Ah! 235 00:12:32,860 --> 00:12:35,740 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 236 00:12:38,660 --> 00:12:42,020 Of course, right now it's 35 seconds. Hurray! 237 00:12:42,020 --> 00:12:44,180 ALAN: Yay, he's in the book! 238 00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:47,340 Does that mean we can expect to see it in the next edition of the book? 239 00:12:47,340 --> 00:12:50,780 I will need to check that previous applicants weren't already blind... 240 00:12:50,780 --> 00:12:53,180 Ah, yeah, good point. ..and maybe not mentioned it. 241 00:12:53,180 --> 00:12:56,820 If that's the case, then maybe. Just because we can't read it... 242 00:12:56,820 --> 00:12:59,140 LAUGHTER 243 00:12:59,140 --> 00:13:02,140 Chris, Chris, he's saying maybe and shaking his head no. Oh, right. 244 00:13:02,140 --> 00:13:04,700 Just telling you, just telling you now. 245 00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:08,660 Well, well done for trying, that was fantastic. 246 00:13:08,660 --> 00:13:10,420 You can take them off. 247 00:13:10,420 --> 00:13:14,540 This is the least sexy Christmas strip-tease you'll ever see. 248 00:13:14,540 --> 00:13:16,340 No, it's working for me. 249 00:13:16,340 --> 00:13:19,020 It's like a game of Holly pass-the-parcel. 250 00:13:19,020 --> 00:13:21,020 Make sure you stop before... 251 00:13:21,020 --> 00:13:23,420 LAUGHTER 252 00:13:23,420 --> 00:13:25,700 Well done, fantastic. 253 00:13:28,580 --> 00:13:33,460 Well, I'm only sorry I didn't try. It did look like such fun. 254 00:13:33,460 --> 00:13:37,500 What's the most unusual place a reindeer has ever slept? 255 00:13:37,500 --> 00:13:39,300 Is it Nap-land? 256 00:13:39,300 --> 00:13:41,060 LAUGHTER 257 00:13:41,060 --> 00:13:42,460 That's very good, darling. 258 00:13:42,460 --> 00:13:43,820 I'll give you another clue. 259 00:13:43,820 --> 00:13:46,820 The reindeer leaves by air but arrives by tube. 260 00:13:46,820 --> 00:13:48,260 Oh... Oh... 261 00:13:48,260 --> 00:13:50,780 What, like, the underground sort of Tube? Eurotunnel? 262 00:13:50,780 --> 00:13:53,100 Under... Well, we are under the water, certainly. 263 00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:55,300 Reindeer... An underwater reindeer? 264 00:13:55,300 --> 00:13:56,860 No... Yes. An underwater reindeer. 265 00:13:56,860 --> 00:13:58,700 Yes, an underwater reindeer? Yes. Oh! 266 00:13:58,700 --> 00:14:00,300 # Hallelujah. # Yes? 267 00:14:00,300 --> 00:14:02,660 Submarine? Submarine is exactly right, yes. 268 00:14:02,660 --> 00:14:04,340 A reindeer named Pollyanna, 269 00:14:04,340 --> 00:14:07,580 the only reindeer known to have lived on a submarine. 270 00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:12,460 In 1941, the Soviet Navy presented a Royal Navy submarine, HMS Trident, 271 00:14:12,460 --> 00:14:16,900 with a live reindeer as a thank you for fighting the German forces. 272 00:14:16,900 --> 00:14:19,020 There's one thing I know about submarines. Yeah. 273 00:14:19,020 --> 00:14:20,980 It's that they're quite cramped. Yeah. 274 00:14:20,980 --> 00:14:23,300 So... And one thing about reindeers is... Yeah. 275 00:14:23,300 --> 00:14:25,220 ..they've got... Yeah. This was the issue. 276 00:14:25,220 --> 00:14:27,580 They'd probably have said, "Look, can we have the money?" 277 00:14:27,580 --> 00:14:28,860 Yeah. Yeah. Just... 278 00:14:28,860 --> 00:14:30,340 No, the captain had said his wife 279 00:14:30,340 --> 00:14:32,940 was having trouble pushing their pram through the snow 280 00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:35,780 and the Russian Admiral said, "You need a reindeer." 281 00:14:35,780 --> 00:14:38,100 To push a pram? To pull the pram. 282 00:14:38,100 --> 00:14:39,740 So the Russian base where it was docked, 283 00:14:39,740 --> 00:14:41,620 the submarine was called Polyarnoe, 284 00:14:41,620 --> 00:14:44,140 so they named the reindeer Pollyanna. 285 00:14:44,140 --> 00:14:46,380 And they brought it aboard through the torpedo tube, 286 00:14:46,380 --> 00:14:48,540 and it spent the next six weeks on the submarine, 287 00:14:48,540 --> 00:14:50,940 and they had meant for her to sleep in the torpedo room 288 00:14:50,940 --> 00:14:53,020 but she turned out to be rather fussy 289 00:14:53,020 --> 00:14:55,740 and she ended up sleeping under the captain's bed. 290 00:14:55,740 --> 00:14:58,540 At first they fed her on a barrel of moss that the Russians had left, 291 00:14:58,540 --> 00:14:59,980 then after that, it ran out 292 00:14:59,980 --> 00:15:02,460 and they just gave her scraps and condensed milk, 293 00:15:02,460 --> 00:15:05,380 and she also ate some navigation charts, and she became enormous. 294 00:15:05,380 --> 00:15:07,260 And in the end, she'd gained too much weight 295 00:15:07,260 --> 00:15:08,900 and had to be lifted out of the main hatch, 296 00:15:08,900 --> 00:15:11,180 rather than the way she came in through the torpedo tube. 297 00:15:11,180 --> 00:15:13,020 They didn't fire her out of the torpedo tube? 298 00:15:13,020 --> 00:15:14,940 That would have been good, wouldn't it? Yeah. 299 00:15:14,940 --> 00:15:16,420 No, so she got sent off to a zoo. 300 00:15:16,420 --> 00:15:19,660 At least there's somewhere for them all to hang their caps, the sailors. 301 00:15:19,660 --> 00:15:21,140 That's a very good point! 302 00:15:21,140 --> 00:15:23,140 Unfortunately, we don't have a picture of her. 303 00:15:23,140 --> 00:15:24,940 We do have a picture of another reindeer. 304 00:15:24,940 --> 00:15:27,740 This reindeer is called Olga. There she is. 305 00:15:27,740 --> 00:15:33,300 She arrived at Scapa Flow in December 1943 aboard the cruiser HMS Kent, 306 00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:35,300 also a gift from a Russian Admiral. 307 00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:37,540 They are very unoriginal in their gift-giving. 308 00:15:37,540 --> 00:15:40,580 I think the Russians were training reindeer... Undercover. 309 00:15:40,580 --> 00:15:42,340 ..to be spies. Oh. Yeah. 310 00:15:42,340 --> 00:15:44,140 Either that, or when you fall asleep, 311 00:15:44,140 --> 00:15:47,220 it opens and Russian soldiers... Come out, yeah, yeah! 312 00:15:48,700 --> 00:15:52,340 I can't imagine hooking your baby up to the back of a reindeer. No. 313 00:15:52,340 --> 00:15:54,580 I've been pulled many times on a sleigh by reindeer, 314 00:15:54,580 --> 00:15:57,220 and they're unbelievably gentle and lovely. 315 00:15:57,220 --> 00:15:59,060 Yeah, but not as a small baby. 316 00:15:59,060 --> 00:16:00,900 No, obviously, I was a grown-up and fully 317 00:16:00,900 --> 00:16:02,740 in charge of what was going on. Right. 318 00:16:02,740 --> 00:16:06,380 I thought you were going to say, "fully grown". No, not... 319 00:16:06,380 --> 00:16:08,580 Wow, even you're making those jokes. 320 00:16:08,580 --> 00:16:12,180 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 321 00:16:12,180 --> 00:16:15,140 JUSTIN: Yes, you know you're short when a blind man knows... 322 00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:18,060 I might not be able to see anything, but I can judge an angle! 323 00:16:22,420 --> 00:16:24,580 Did you know, darling, that the person who created 324 00:16:24,580 --> 00:16:26,500 Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Robert L May, 325 00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:28,380 intended to call him Reginald? 326 00:16:28,380 --> 00:16:31,220 That's the thing. If we didn't know Rudolph... It would be Reginald. 327 00:16:31,220 --> 00:16:34,220 ..Reginald would sound right. Rudolph would sound stupid. Yeah. 328 00:16:34,220 --> 00:16:36,460 If it was Adolf, that would be funny. 329 00:16:36,460 --> 00:16:37,900 "He's got a red nose." 330 00:16:37,900 --> 00:16:39,300 "What about his 'tache?" "Shut up!" 331 00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:40,540 "What about his red nose?" 332 00:16:41,940 --> 00:16:44,180 And actually, lots of reindeer do have red noses. 333 00:16:44,180 --> 00:16:45,580 Why do you think that might be? 334 00:16:45,580 --> 00:16:46,980 They're clowns. 335 00:16:46,980 --> 00:16:48,740 Why might a reindeer...? It is a thing. 336 00:16:48,740 --> 00:16:50,660 Why do they have red noses? Rosacea. 337 00:16:50,660 --> 00:16:52,060 What, like...like...? 338 00:16:52,060 --> 00:16:54,140 They just have bad circulation in their face. 339 00:16:54,140 --> 00:16:56,980 No, in fact, they have excellent circulation, it's to do with that. 340 00:16:56,980 --> 00:16:59,620 Is it, like... It's how they lure a mate. ..a sexual thing? 341 00:16:59,620 --> 00:17:02,460 No. Is it like a red light in a red light district? No. 342 00:17:02,460 --> 00:17:03,980 The red nose district. No. 343 00:17:03,980 --> 00:17:06,300 I'm going to stop you all. 344 00:17:06,300 --> 00:17:08,500 So, if they breathed that Arctic air straight in, 345 00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:10,460 they would literally die of cold, 346 00:17:10,460 --> 00:17:13,540 so the noses contain a huge number of blood vessels, 347 00:17:13,540 --> 00:17:16,460 and in some of them, the density of blood vessels is so great, 348 00:17:16,460 --> 00:17:18,300 it actually turns their noses red. 349 00:17:18,300 --> 00:17:21,860 So the cold, dry air enters and it's warmed by these capillaries, 350 00:17:21,860 --> 00:17:24,380 and moistened, also, by a thick layer of mucus. 351 00:17:24,380 --> 00:17:25,780 This is astonishing. 352 00:17:25,780 --> 00:17:29,500 They can breathe in air that is -40 degrees Celsius 353 00:17:29,500 --> 00:17:32,100 and by the time it reaches their lungs, 354 00:17:32,100 --> 00:17:35,180 it is +38 degrees Celsius. 355 00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:39,020 It has gained almost 80 degrees in a single second. 356 00:17:39,020 --> 00:17:40,620 Wow! Isn't that incredible? 357 00:17:40,620 --> 00:17:43,860 That is like entering any grandparent's home! 358 00:17:43,860 --> 00:17:46,500 LAUGHTER 359 00:17:48,140 --> 00:17:50,140 They also cool the air on the way out. 360 00:17:50,140 --> 00:17:53,060 It's cooled by about 20 degrees Celsius before it exits the nose, 361 00:17:53,060 --> 00:17:56,340 and then they recapture all the moisture in this nasal mucus 362 00:17:56,340 --> 00:17:58,900 before the air is exhaled, so what it means is, 363 00:17:58,900 --> 00:18:01,140 if a human being was to stand next to a reindeer 364 00:18:01,140 --> 00:18:03,140 at, say, -30 degrees Celsius, 365 00:18:03,140 --> 00:18:04,780 you would see the human being's breath, 366 00:18:04,780 --> 00:18:06,420 cos you'd see all the bits of moisture, 367 00:18:06,420 --> 00:18:08,820 but you would not see the reindeer's breath at all because 368 00:18:08,820 --> 00:18:11,700 they're so brilliant at absorbing all the moisture back into the body. 369 00:18:11,700 --> 00:18:13,540 So if you ever see them with breath, 370 00:18:13,540 --> 00:18:15,180 it means they're smoking. Yeah. 371 00:18:15,180 --> 00:18:18,020 Or vaping. Or vaping. Vaping. I'm going to go with vaping. 372 00:18:18,020 --> 00:18:20,020 Can I show you something which is extraordinary? 373 00:18:20,020 --> 00:18:22,220 This is then forming what's called a cyclone. 374 00:18:22,220 --> 00:18:24,740 So, when they are threatened, they run in circles 375 00:18:24,740 --> 00:18:26,980 and that makes it really hard for predators 376 00:18:26,980 --> 00:18:28,580 to attack individual animals. 377 00:18:28,580 --> 00:18:30,860 Almost always, they run in an anticlockwise manner, 378 00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:32,820 but isn't that astonishing? There's hundreds. 379 00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:34,340 Hundreds of them, running around... 380 00:18:34,340 --> 00:18:37,060 We're looking at hundreds of reindeer running around in circles. 381 00:18:37,060 --> 00:18:40,140 Like a mosh pit. Yes, exactly like that. Yeah. 382 00:18:40,140 --> 00:18:41,780 I think that's amazing. 383 00:18:41,780 --> 00:18:43,180 So, why do they do that? 384 00:18:43,180 --> 00:18:44,860 Because it makes it really difficult 385 00:18:44,860 --> 00:18:46,700 for a predator to single out an animal. 386 00:18:46,700 --> 00:18:49,500 And another trick they have is that their knees click, 387 00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:52,620 so that they can send each other sound signals, even in a blizzard. 388 00:18:52,620 --> 00:18:54,820 So if you hear your neighbour's knees moving, 389 00:18:54,820 --> 00:18:56,620 suddenly starting to click very quickly, 390 00:18:56,620 --> 00:18:58,380 that might mean there's danger about. 391 00:18:58,380 --> 00:19:00,980 So they send messages through their... Oh, my knees click. 392 00:19:00,980 --> 00:19:04,460 Maybe I'm just sending messages. To reindeer. Yeah. Yeah. 393 00:19:04,460 --> 00:19:08,380 What horrible incident involving Dijon befell 394 00:19:08,380 --> 00:19:10,700 Father Christmas in 1951? 395 00:19:10,700 --> 00:19:12,260 # Hallelujah! # 396 00:19:12,260 --> 00:19:14,780 Did somebody put mustard on their mince pie? 397 00:19:14,780 --> 00:19:18,180 Oh, that would be bad, wouldn't it? I love mustard. 398 00:19:18,180 --> 00:19:21,580 You like mustard? Oh, I eat mouthfuls of it raw. Really? Yeah. 399 00:19:21,580 --> 00:19:24,620 French mustard or English mustard? French. Dijon? 400 00:19:24,620 --> 00:19:27,260 Yes, and wholegrain. I can only eat that stuff, 401 00:19:27,260 --> 00:19:30,300 I can't eat the English stuff that goes up the back of your nose. 402 00:19:30,300 --> 00:19:34,180 Yeah. It burns my eyeballs. Yeah. Not that it matters, but... 403 00:19:34,180 --> 00:19:37,900 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 404 00:19:37,900 --> 00:19:40,540 But I like the stuff with the seeds in it, 405 00:19:40,540 --> 00:19:44,180 but did he fall into a vat of mustard or something? No, it has nothing to do with mustard. 406 00:19:44,180 --> 00:19:48,060 We're talking about the French city of Dijon, it's to do with Christmas, it's the early 1950s. 407 00:19:48,060 --> 00:19:52,060 And the Catholic Church was very cross, they thought that Christmas had become too commercialised 408 00:19:52,060 --> 00:19:55,300 and it should be more about le petit Jesus than presents. 409 00:19:55,300 --> 00:19:57,380 And so... Something happened to Santa? 410 00:19:57,380 --> 00:20:00,420 Yes, something did happen to Santa. In the town? Yes. Did he get hung? 411 00:20:00,420 --> 00:20:03,220 Well, did they ban Santa? Yes. They hung Santa?! They hung Santa. 412 00:20:03,220 --> 00:20:05,660 They hung him?! Yes. Who hung Santa? 413 00:20:05,660 --> 00:20:07,940 OK, the Catholics, that's... 414 00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:10,540 Catholics?! Yes. The Catholics! 415 00:20:10,540 --> 00:20:13,620 At Dijon Cathedral in 1951, on December 23rd, 416 00:20:13,620 --> 00:20:18,940 250 schoolchildren hanged an eight-foot tall Santa effigy... 417 00:20:18,940 --> 00:20:22,540 That's so bleak - the kids turned on Santa! Oh, my God. 418 00:20:22,540 --> 00:20:25,180 It's even worse! So there's a young man, he asked the crowd, 419 00:20:25,180 --> 00:20:27,300 "Does Santa deserve death?" 420 00:20:27,300 --> 00:20:30,980 And the assembled children chanted back, "Yes, yes, yes," 421 00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:34,700 before setting fire to the effigy and pelting it with orange peel. 422 00:20:34,700 --> 00:20:37,660 Oh, my God. AUDIENCE: Oh! 423 00:20:37,660 --> 00:20:41,020 It was the Church? The Church did it, yes. So the Archbishop of Rennes, 424 00:20:41,020 --> 00:20:43,860 he said it demonstrated that the Church was pushing back against 425 00:20:43,860 --> 00:20:46,100 the paganism which Santa seemed to bring... 426 00:20:46,100 --> 00:20:48,100 How has that worked out for them in Dijon? 427 00:20:48,100 --> 00:20:50,460 Well, the very next day, there was a pro-Santa rally outside 428 00:20:50,460 --> 00:20:53,700 the town hall. Oh, my gosh. "San-ta! San-ta!" 429 00:20:53,700 --> 00:20:55,900 So, Santa has been in trouble all over the world, 430 00:20:55,900 --> 00:20:59,700 he's faced challenges. 1920s in the Soviet Union, Christmas itself was banned for years. 431 00:20:59,700 --> 00:21:01,940 There was a sort of wave of anti-Christmas sentiment 432 00:21:01,940 --> 00:21:03,980 all the way through Soviet Russia. 433 00:21:03,980 --> 00:21:06,820 One school put on a play where fictional characters were expelled 434 00:21:06,820 --> 00:21:09,100 as non-Soviet elements, 435 00:21:09,100 --> 00:21:13,740 Cinderella was tried for betraying the working class, and Father Frost 436 00:21:13,740 --> 00:21:16,340 was accused of spying on people down their chimneys. 437 00:21:16,340 --> 00:21:19,620 And it wasn't until 1937 that Father Frost, or Ded Moroz, 438 00:21:19,620 --> 00:21:22,180 was allowed to return, but he has to wear a blue coat, 439 00:21:22,180 --> 00:21:26,140 so that we don't think he's the Western... Cos he works at Pontins. 440 00:21:26,140 --> 00:21:28,780 It was rather like the Puritans under Oliver Cromwell, 441 00:21:28,780 --> 00:21:33,020 and in parts of the United States, when the Forefathers arrived, they followed Oliver Cromwell's idea 442 00:21:33,020 --> 00:21:36,460 that you didn't have Christmas at all. It was seen as Popish excess. 443 00:21:36,460 --> 00:21:39,260 So carol singing was seen as a political statement. 444 00:21:39,260 --> 00:21:41,300 People used to do secret carol singing. Wow! 445 00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:42,900 In fact, I think 1644, 446 00:21:42,900 --> 00:21:45,540 the Act of Parliament came in, banning Christmas entirely 447 00:21:45,540 --> 00:21:48,460 until the restoration of the monarchy, which was 1660. 448 00:21:48,460 --> 00:21:50,660 So there's a long period of time, nearly two decades, 449 00:21:50,660 --> 00:21:52,900 where we don't have any Christmas at all in this country. 450 00:21:52,900 --> 00:21:55,460 People would get together and do secret carol singing? Yes. 451 00:21:55,460 --> 00:21:59,020 WHISPERING: # Ding dong merrily on high... # 452 00:21:59,020 --> 00:22:02,340 SINGS IN A HIGH NOTE: # La la la! # Ssh. 453 00:22:02,340 --> 00:22:04,900 They loved Silent Night. 454 00:22:04,900 --> 00:22:08,660 In the 1930s, Mexico's Ministry of Education decided that 455 00:22:08,660 --> 00:22:10,980 children shouldn't learn about Santa Claus any more, 456 00:22:10,980 --> 00:22:14,420 but gifts should be given by an old Mesoamerican god, 457 00:22:14,420 --> 00:22:18,460 Quetzalcoatl, who takes the form of a feathered snake. 458 00:22:18,460 --> 00:22:21,780 I mean, all due respect to Mesoamerican culture and everything, 459 00:22:21,780 --> 00:22:25,780 I'm not sure this is the one for the kids, because this guy burnt himself 460 00:22:25,780 --> 00:22:28,460 to death out of shame after getting drunk 461 00:22:28,460 --> 00:22:31,100 and having sex with his sister. 462 00:22:31,100 --> 00:22:34,780 I mean, Christmas, we've all had a drink. I know. 463 00:22:34,780 --> 00:22:38,020 Right, it's time for another socially distanced record attempt, 464 00:22:38,020 --> 00:22:40,660 specially created for us by Guinness World Records, 465 00:22:40,660 --> 00:22:43,220 and we are going to do the most Christmas crackers pulled 466 00:22:43,220 --> 00:22:46,060 by an individual in 30 seconds, OK? 467 00:22:46,060 --> 00:22:48,980 The number to beat is 20. Craig is here to judge again. 468 00:22:48,980 --> 00:22:52,020 Alan and Justin, you're going to be taking this one on. 469 00:22:52,020 --> 00:22:54,900 So there's an important condition, isn't there, Craig, that we have to 470 00:22:54,900 --> 00:22:57,340 be able to hear the bang of each cracker, is that right? 471 00:22:57,340 --> 00:22:59,980 Each cracker has to crack, so we'll count them backstage 472 00:22:59,980 --> 00:23:03,300 to make sure each of the papers has actually exploded. Has actually gone? Yeah. OK, 473 00:23:03,300 --> 00:23:07,300 so you may put your crackers out on your table in front of you. 474 00:23:07,300 --> 00:23:10,660 That's my boy. So, I don't know what your technique is going to be, 475 00:23:10,660 --> 00:23:12,740 are you going to have them standing? 476 00:23:12,740 --> 00:23:15,300 You're losing them all over... Is it one person doing this? 477 00:23:15,300 --> 00:23:17,900 One person pulling the crackers. 478 00:23:17,900 --> 00:23:20,500 Do we have to do one at once? Is that right, Craig? 479 00:23:20,500 --> 00:23:23,140 Yeah, one cracker at a time. One cracker at a time. 480 00:23:23,140 --> 00:23:25,940 Do you have to read all the jokes and put all the hats on? 481 00:23:25,940 --> 00:23:28,980 Oh, wait a minute, because all the gifts might fly out, 482 00:23:28,980 --> 00:23:31,700 I'm just going to put on... You're going to wear goggles. Good idea. 483 00:23:31,700 --> 00:23:34,060 Because, honestly, a pack of playing cards... 484 00:23:34,060 --> 00:23:36,100 LAUGHTER 485 00:23:36,100 --> 00:23:38,540 OK, I've got my safety glasses. Come on, Alan. 486 00:23:38,540 --> 00:23:40,180 Right, hand over to Craig. 487 00:23:40,180 --> 00:23:43,060 OK, so start with your hands behind your back, please. Oh. Oh. 488 00:23:43,060 --> 00:23:45,140 Do you want to change how you've got them, darling? 489 00:23:45,140 --> 00:23:47,260 I'm not going to do 20 in 30 seconds, Sandi. 490 00:23:47,260 --> 00:23:49,500 Yes, you are, I've got every faith in you. 491 00:23:49,500 --> 00:23:52,580 No, I think this is a perfect layout. OK. 492 00:23:52,580 --> 00:23:54,020 Just use both hands. 493 00:23:54,020 --> 00:23:56,220 Have you got everything ready? Yeah, I'm ready. OK. 494 00:23:56,220 --> 00:24:01,100 Can I just say, Sandi... Yes? ..I'm psyched for this. OK, good. Yeah. 495 00:24:01,100 --> 00:24:02,900 LAUGHTER 496 00:24:02,900 --> 00:24:06,180 So, this one, you have to stop when the music does, OK? OK. 497 00:24:06,180 --> 00:24:09,420 Craig? OK. You have 30 seconds 498 00:24:09,420 --> 00:24:12,020 in three, two, one. Go! 499 00:24:12,020 --> 00:24:17,460 One, two, three... Go! Go! Go! 500 00:24:17,460 --> 00:24:19,100 Oh, nice technique! 501 00:24:19,100 --> 00:24:20,980 CHEERING, SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT 502 00:24:22,420 --> 00:24:25,060 ..13, 14, 15... 503 00:24:25,060 --> 00:24:26,340 You've got this! 504 00:24:33,300 --> 00:24:36,220 BUZZER: # Hallelujah! Hallelujah! # 505 00:24:40,740 --> 00:24:42,780 KLAXON Stop! 506 00:24:42,780 --> 00:24:45,580 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 507 00:24:48,620 --> 00:24:51,300 I feel... I feel alive! 508 00:24:51,300 --> 00:24:53,180 I feel giddy! 509 00:24:53,180 --> 00:24:56,140 But look at that. The smell of gunpowder! Look at that. 510 00:24:56,140 --> 00:24:59,260 That could have had my eye out, that. Pair of nail clippers. 511 00:24:59,260 --> 00:25:02,420 Environmentally, this is a disaster as well. Yeah. 512 00:25:02,420 --> 00:25:04,260 It smells incredible. 513 00:25:04,260 --> 00:25:07,460 "What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating?" 514 00:25:07,460 --> 00:25:10,940 He pulled a cracker. "He pulled a cracker!" 515 00:25:10,940 --> 00:25:15,020 "How do you know when Santa's in the room?" Oh, I don't know. 516 00:25:15,020 --> 00:25:18,060 "Because the residents of Dijon have hung and burnt him." 517 00:25:18,060 --> 00:25:21,100 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 518 00:25:23,740 --> 00:25:26,380 Right, we'll bring the news to you as soon as we have it 519 00:25:26,380 --> 00:25:28,580 as to whether or not the record has been broken. 520 00:25:28,580 --> 00:25:30,580 But it was looking pretty good, I think. 521 00:25:30,580 --> 00:25:34,060 What happened to the turkey at Charles Dickens' last Christmas? 522 00:25:34,060 --> 00:25:35,820 # Hallelujah. # 523 00:25:35,820 --> 00:25:37,580 If it was his last Christmas... Yes. 524 00:25:37,580 --> 00:25:39,220 ..did it kill Charles Dickens? 525 00:25:39,220 --> 00:25:41,220 Oh. No. 526 00:25:41,220 --> 00:25:42,860 Attacked him in the kitchen... Yeah. 527 00:25:42,860 --> 00:25:45,660 ..and cooked him on a medium heat for however long, 528 00:25:45,660 --> 00:25:47,100 three hours. No. 529 00:25:47,100 --> 00:25:48,940 He had... 530 00:25:48,940 --> 00:25:50,780 ..indigestion. No. It... Salmonella? 531 00:25:50,780 --> 00:25:52,220 It never turned up. 532 00:25:52,220 --> 00:25:54,820 He should have ordered one of them geese. They come really fast. 533 00:25:54,820 --> 00:25:56,460 Yes, much quicker! 534 00:25:56,460 --> 00:25:57,860 So here's what happened. 535 00:25:57,860 --> 00:26:01,540 The turkey was on its way to him and the train carriage which it was in 536 00:26:01,540 --> 00:26:03,700 burnt down somewhere near Reading. 537 00:26:03,700 --> 00:26:05,260 And so the pieces of turkey, 538 00:26:05,260 --> 00:26:07,700 it burnt, but not so much that you couldn't eat it, 539 00:26:07,700 --> 00:26:09,780 and they were sold off, portions of it, 540 00:26:09,780 --> 00:26:12,300 for sixpence a portion to the people of Reading. 541 00:26:12,300 --> 00:26:14,220 I think that's the world's first pop-up. 542 00:26:14,220 --> 00:26:16,020 Yes... Yes, you're quite right. 543 00:26:16,020 --> 00:26:18,060 There's a thing about Dickens, though, he was... 544 00:26:18,060 --> 00:26:20,940 ..I mean, obviously, a great writer and everything else we know about, 545 00:26:20,940 --> 00:26:22,860 but it's funny you're talking about turkey, 546 00:26:22,860 --> 00:26:25,140 cos he was an innovative chef, as well. He... 547 00:26:25,140 --> 00:26:27,940 ..was one of the first people in this country to use herbs, 548 00:26:27,940 --> 00:26:30,380 and he was very specific about the herbs he used. 549 00:26:30,380 --> 00:26:31,820 Are you serious? Yeah, yeah. 550 00:26:31,820 --> 00:26:33,260 Cos he often... He said that 551 00:26:33,260 --> 00:26:35,260 it was the best of thyme, the worst of thyme. 552 00:26:35,260 --> 00:26:36,580 AUDIENCE GROANS 553 00:26:36,580 --> 00:26:38,700 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 554 00:26:39,940 --> 00:26:41,140 Oh, God. 555 00:26:41,140 --> 00:26:43,180 Is this not the point in a Christmas gathering 556 00:26:43,180 --> 00:26:44,820 where somebody goes, "You bastard!"? 557 00:26:44,820 --> 00:26:47,060 Yes! That's very good, darling. 558 00:26:47,060 --> 00:26:49,180 I did not see that coming. That was very good. 559 00:26:49,180 --> 00:26:52,740 The 30 lb turkey was not the biggest Christmas present he ever received. 560 00:26:52,740 --> 00:26:55,620 In 1864, he was given an entire Swiss chalet 561 00:26:55,620 --> 00:26:58,820 as a gift from an actor friend called Charles Fechter. 562 00:26:58,820 --> 00:27:00,260 I bet he guessed... Yeah. 563 00:27:00,260 --> 00:27:01,540 ..when he unwrapped it. 564 00:27:01,540 --> 00:27:05,340 Well, it came in 58 separate boxes designed for self-assembly, 565 00:27:05,340 --> 00:27:07,180 and the instructions were in French. 566 00:27:07,180 --> 00:27:09,780 It's like a puzzle, as well, isn't it? Yes. He had no idea. 567 00:27:09,780 --> 00:27:12,660 Eventually he had to hire a stage carpenter to help him build it. 568 00:27:12,660 --> 00:27:14,100 Is that it? Yes. 569 00:27:14,100 --> 00:27:15,900 I put our table together at home, 570 00:27:15,900 --> 00:27:18,420 and, um...it's fine, you know. 571 00:27:18,420 --> 00:27:20,460 It was meant to be a chest of drawers, but... 572 00:27:20,460 --> 00:27:22,180 LAUGHTER 573 00:27:22,180 --> 00:27:23,500 ..it does the job. 574 00:27:23,500 --> 00:27:25,060 He used to work in it in the summer, 575 00:27:25,060 --> 00:27:27,460 and the top floor is where he wrote his last works. 576 00:27:27,460 --> 00:27:29,700 But he also lined it with mirrors, because he used to... 577 00:27:29,700 --> 00:27:33,140 He was a tremendous performer and he liked to try out his performances. 578 00:27:33,140 --> 00:27:37,060 The only thing I've ever read of his is Mickey's Christmas Carol. 579 00:27:37,060 --> 00:27:39,060 Yeah. 580 00:27:39,060 --> 00:27:40,460 OK. Um... 581 00:27:40,460 --> 00:27:42,500 LAUGHTER 582 00:27:42,500 --> 00:27:44,980 The Dickensian way to roast a turkey 583 00:27:44,980 --> 00:27:48,300 is to stick it on a train and set the train on fire. 584 00:27:48,300 --> 00:27:50,340 Do you ever get Christmas cards from people 585 00:27:50,340 --> 00:27:52,580 but have no idea who they are? Has that ever happened? 586 00:27:52,580 --> 00:27:55,100 The worst Christmas card I ever got wasn't a Christmas card, 587 00:27:55,100 --> 00:27:57,340 it was a note, came through the post, said, 588 00:27:57,340 --> 00:28:00,700 "We've got some post for you but the person's not paid enough for it." 589 00:28:00,700 --> 00:28:04,820 So I had to go to the post office and pay £1.50 for a Christmas card 590 00:28:04,820 --> 00:28:07,700 from someone who came to my house the next day for Christmas lunch. 591 00:28:07,700 --> 00:28:09,540 Bastards. That's a rotten thing. 592 00:28:09,540 --> 00:28:12,580 Have a look at some Christmas cards that you've got under the desk. 593 00:28:12,580 --> 00:28:16,060 Now, Chris, let me tell you about your card. Shall I open it? Yes. 594 00:28:16,060 --> 00:28:21,060 So one of the Elves spent ages writing it in braille for you. 595 00:28:21,060 --> 00:28:23,700 Oh, my God, there's braille in it. I don't read braille. 596 00:28:23,700 --> 00:28:26,180 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 597 00:28:26,180 --> 00:28:29,020 Amazingly, I do. You're not helping yourself here, are you? 598 00:28:29,020 --> 00:28:31,660 I mean, if we're honest, it's just dots, isn't it? 599 00:28:31,660 --> 00:28:33,500 LAUGHTER 600 00:28:33,500 --> 00:28:35,620 No, I'm not a very good blind person, 601 00:28:35,620 --> 00:28:38,460 but that's very thoughtful, I mean, God knows what it says. 602 00:28:38,460 --> 00:28:41,180 They did try. No. Well, what does yours say? 603 00:28:41,180 --> 00:28:45,380 Mine says, "Merry Christmas from Phil and Joyce." OK, and you two? 604 00:28:45,380 --> 00:28:49,900 Mine says, "Warmest wishes this festive season, Dr and Mrs Kunz." 605 00:28:49,900 --> 00:28:53,020 Christmas Kunz but once a year. Yeah. 606 00:28:53,020 --> 00:28:56,420 OK. So yours, Chris and Alan, yours say Phil and Joyce, 607 00:28:56,420 --> 00:28:59,300 and yours say Dr and Mrs Kunz. Mrs Kunz. 608 00:28:59,300 --> 00:29:01,060 So this has actually been tried. 609 00:29:01,060 --> 00:29:03,940 There were two sociologists from Brigham Young University 610 00:29:03,940 --> 00:29:07,300 called Phillip Kunz - which is where the name comes from - and Michael Woolcott, 611 00:29:07,300 --> 00:29:10,060 and they sent out 578 Christmas cards to random addresses 612 00:29:10,060 --> 00:29:12,900 in the United States, to see how many people would write back. 613 00:29:12,900 --> 00:29:14,820 It was really impressive. 614 00:29:14,820 --> 00:29:17,940 One person in five sent Christmas greetings in return, 615 00:29:17,940 --> 00:29:20,020 as if they knew who the person was. 616 00:29:20,020 --> 00:29:22,740 And what they discovered was, you got better results 617 00:29:22,740 --> 00:29:24,900 if you sent out a higher status card. 618 00:29:24,900 --> 00:29:29,380 So if you signed it "Dr and Mrs Kunz", you got a 26% return. 619 00:29:29,380 --> 00:29:31,940 "Phil and Joyce", just 15%. 620 00:29:31,940 --> 00:29:34,860 But some people sent back letters that were three or four pages long. 621 00:29:34,860 --> 00:29:38,700 And a few people kept sending cards for 15 years. 622 00:29:38,700 --> 00:29:43,300 This particular study was in 1975. They tried it again in 2015 623 00:29:43,300 --> 00:29:47,820 and only got replies from 2% of recipients, so it has changed. 624 00:29:47,820 --> 00:29:50,540 Anybody else remember another R-based feature of Christmas cards, 625 00:29:50,540 --> 00:29:52,100 which is the round-robin? 626 00:29:52,100 --> 00:29:53,540 Yes. We still get them. 627 00:29:53,540 --> 00:29:55,140 Yeah, we get letters from... Yeah. 628 00:29:55,140 --> 00:29:56,500 It doesn't... I... 629 00:29:56,500 --> 00:29:58,740 I mean, I don't want to put my family down... No, don't. 630 00:29:58,740 --> 00:30:00,460 ..but we're scum. 631 00:30:00,460 --> 00:30:01,780 But we don't... 632 00:30:01,780 --> 00:30:04,660 There's none of that, "And Johnny's gone to university, and..." 633 00:30:04,660 --> 00:30:06,180 We're more likely to get, you know, 634 00:30:06,180 --> 00:30:08,820 "Gary's not gone to prison this year, so... 635 00:30:08,820 --> 00:30:11,220 "..that's something, you know?" 636 00:30:11,220 --> 00:30:13,100 Well, my old friend, the writer Simon Hoggart, 637 00:30:13,100 --> 00:30:14,620 who used to present The News Quiz, 638 00:30:14,620 --> 00:30:17,500 he used to collect examples of them. I love this one. 639 00:30:17,500 --> 00:30:20,980 "My ears ringing with praise for Jake from his parent-teacher meeting, 640 00:30:20,980 --> 00:30:22,980 "I got home to find Emily opening a letter 641 00:30:22,980 --> 00:30:25,020 "to say she'd won a place at Oxford." 642 00:30:25,020 --> 00:30:27,340 I mean, you'd want to vomit, wouldn't you? 643 00:30:28,460 --> 00:30:31,700 Now, what was the Immaculate Conception? 644 00:30:31,700 --> 00:30:33,140 # Hallelujah! # 645 00:30:33,140 --> 00:30:37,060 Yes? The Immaculate Conception is when the Virgin Mary... Yes? 646 00:30:37,060 --> 00:30:39,780 ..became pregnant with the Holy Spirit. No. 647 00:30:39,780 --> 00:30:44,100 KLAXON 648 00:30:44,100 --> 00:30:46,740 Lots of people think it's to do with the virgin birth. 649 00:30:46,740 --> 00:30:49,940 It has nothing to do with the virgin birth of Jesus. 650 00:30:49,940 --> 00:30:53,980 So, whose birth is it to do with? Is it Mary's birth? 651 00:30:53,980 --> 00:30:57,580 It is to do with Mary's birth. So, Catholics believe that she was conceived and born 652 00:30:57,580 --> 00:31:02,140 without original sin, which, apart from Adam and Eve, would make her unique, I think, in history. 653 00:31:02,140 --> 00:31:06,260 So it doesn't mean she was born by a virgin birth, it means that she could go on to be Christ's mother 654 00:31:06,260 --> 00:31:10,100 because she didn't have any original sin. So, immaculate just means "not stained". 655 00:31:10,100 --> 00:31:12,500 Macula in Latin is for "stain" or "blemish". 656 00:31:12,500 --> 00:31:16,020 So, according to the Church, she never committed a single sin in her entire life. 657 00:31:16,020 --> 00:31:18,060 This is a marvellous painting by Leonardo, 658 00:31:18,060 --> 00:31:20,660 and that's her mother in the background there, St Anne. 659 00:31:20,660 --> 00:31:23,300 But it was officially made part of the Catholic doctrine 660 00:31:23,300 --> 00:31:25,740 by Pope Pius IX in 1854. 661 00:31:25,740 --> 00:31:28,220 At exactly the same time, in fact, the first Vatican Council, 662 00:31:28,220 --> 00:31:29,820 when they made the Pope infallible. 663 00:31:29,820 --> 00:31:32,060 I can't believe he's front cover of Vanity Fair! 664 00:31:32,060 --> 00:31:34,060 I know, that does seem extraordinary, doesn't it? 665 00:31:34,060 --> 00:31:35,580 I like that thing he's doing there 666 00:31:35,580 --> 00:31:37,420 where he's like, it's after Christmas lunch 667 00:31:37,420 --> 00:31:39,860 and he's going, "It was me!" Yes. 668 00:31:39,860 --> 00:31:42,300 LAUGHTER "Sorry, too many sprouts." 669 00:31:42,300 --> 00:31:45,860 In 2006, there was a British insurance firm that had to withdraw 670 00:31:45,860 --> 00:31:48,900 cover from three virgin sisters in Inverness. 671 00:31:48,900 --> 00:31:53,180 They had taken out insurance against getting pregnant in the event 672 00:31:53,180 --> 00:31:55,180 of a second coming of Christ. 673 00:31:55,180 --> 00:31:58,220 If one of them had given birth as a virgin, 674 00:31:58,220 --> 00:32:01,060 they stood to gain £1 million to help with the childcare. 675 00:32:01,060 --> 00:32:03,740 Insurance companies don't pay out with acts of God, though. 676 00:32:03,740 --> 00:32:06,380 Ah, well... 677 00:32:06,380 --> 00:32:09,220 ..I know, but the burden of proof that they had been impregnated 678 00:32:09,220 --> 00:32:12,420 by the Holy Ghost was most specifically resting with them 679 00:32:12,420 --> 00:32:14,900 in the policy. They eventually withdrew it 680 00:32:14,900 --> 00:32:17,740 due to what can only be described as adverse headlines. 681 00:32:17,740 --> 00:32:19,980 Although, of course, that got further headlines, 682 00:32:19,980 --> 00:32:24,740 my favourite of which is, "Sisters lose Second Coming cover." 683 00:32:24,740 --> 00:32:27,060 There's a withdrawal joke in there as well, isn't there? 684 00:32:27,060 --> 00:32:28,780 Yeah, there is. Yeah. Yeah. 685 00:32:28,780 --> 00:32:31,140 In 2018, the Church of England commissioned a poll 686 00:32:31,140 --> 00:32:34,060 to find the nation's ideal mother. Anybody? 687 00:32:34,060 --> 00:32:35,740 You? 688 00:32:35,740 --> 00:32:37,780 KLAXON 689 00:32:37,780 --> 00:32:40,500 APPLAUSE 690 00:32:42,060 --> 00:32:43,940 Is it Victoria Beckham? 691 00:32:43,940 --> 00:32:45,260 No, she wasn't on the list. 692 00:32:45,260 --> 00:32:47,420 I can tell you that the Virgin Mary placed eighth. 693 00:32:47,420 --> 00:32:49,420 Willoughby? Princess Diana. 694 00:32:49,420 --> 00:32:50,860 It's an extraordinary list. 695 00:32:50,860 --> 00:32:52,820 Mary Poppins is higher than the Virgin Mary. 696 00:32:52,820 --> 00:32:54,940 Marge Simpson. 697 00:32:54,940 --> 00:32:58,140 Mary Poppins isn't a mother! Yeah, well... She was a nanny. 698 00:32:58,140 --> 00:32:59,980 I know! But I'm just telling you. 699 00:32:59,980 --> 00:33:01,860 The Queen, Michelle Obama, Mother Teresa, 700 00:33:01,860 --> 00:33:03,540 and people who put "my own mother", 701 00:33:03,540 --> 00:33:06,140 but there were four fictitious women on the list of ten, 702 00:33:06,140 --> 00:33:07,820 and Princess Diana came first. 703 00:33:07,820 --> 00:33:09,780 Could have gone for Mother Hubbard. 704 00:33:09,780 --> 00:33:11,780 Yeah, Mother Hubbard would have been good, yeah. 705 00:33:11,780 --> 00:33:13,180 The Immaculate Conception 706 00:33:13,180 --> 00:33:15,380 is actually a bit of an inaccurate misconception. 707 00:33:15,380 --> 00:33:17,780 We have a newsflash, everybody. 708 00:33:17,780 --> 00:33:21,820 I have the results of the Christmas cracker pulling. 709 00:33:21,820 --> 00:33:24,420 Ooh! I'm actually quite excited. OK. I am. 710 00:33:24,420 --> 00:33:27,740 I can tell you that Justin got 30, 711 00:33:27,740 --> 00:33:30,260 with 4 that didn't crack. 712 00:33:30,260 --> 00:33:32,020 Alan got 35, 713 00:33:32,020 --> 00:33:33,900 with 7 that didn't crack, 714 00:33:33,900 --> 00:33:36,780 which makes Alan the new world record holder! 715 00:33:36,780 --> 00:33:39,780 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 716 00:33:43,940 --> 00:33:47,100 Wow, my kids are going to love this. Am I going to be in the thing? 717 00:33:47,100 --> 00:33:50,180 Darling, it's even better, you're going to get a certificate 718 00:33:50,180 --> 00:33:53,820 as the world record holder. I haven't had a certificate for years and years! I know. 719 00:33:53,820 --> 00:33:58,100 Not since your swimming badge. I have never been as disappointed. 720 00:33:58,100 --> 00:34:00,740 I now know the first line of your obituary, Alan, 721 00:34:00,740 --> 00:34:03,780 that's quite exciting. If the BBC had paid for a better quality 722 00:34:03,780 --> 00:34:06,340 of cracker, you'd have had 42. 723 00:34:06,340 --> 00:34:11,580 Yeah. Anyway, congratulations. I'm... I'm proud to know you. 724 00:34:11,580 --> 00:34:14,140 Now it's time to get onto our tea tray 725 00:34:14,140 --> 00:34:16,780 and slide down the icy slopes of General Ignorance. 726 00:34:16,780 --> 00:34:18,660 Fingers on buzzers, please. 727 00:34:18,660 --> 00:34:20,860 What kind of room was Jesus born in? 728 00:34:20,860 --> 00:34:23,460 # Hallelujah! # Stable. 729 00:34:23,460 --> 00:34:26,740 KLAXON 730 00:34:28,580 --> 00:34:31,620 Just not got "winner" written all over you tonight, have you, Justin? 731 00:34:31,620 --> 00:34:35,860 No. So sorry, darling. No, not a stable. What else? Premier Inn. 732 00:34:35,860 --> 00:34:41,300 KLAXON, LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 733 00:34:41,300 --> 00:34:44,380 Ah, they loved it. Holiday Inn. OK, a Travelodge? 734 00:34:44,380 --> 00:34:49,900 KLAXON, LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 735 00:34:49,900 --> 00:34:52,460 So there is no mention in the Bible whatsoever 736 00:34:52,460 --> 00:34:54,380 of Jesus being born in a stable. 737 00:34:54,380 --> 00:34:56,980 And also the idea that there was no room at the inn seems 738 00:34:56,980 --> 00:34:59,340 entirely wrong. So the Greek word, 739 00:34:59,340 --> 00:35:01,660 which traditionally is translated as inn, 740 00:35:01,660 --> 00:35:06,340 is kataluma. It actually means something more like "guest room". 741 00:35:06,340 --> 00:35:09,380 So we know perfectly well the Bible states that Joseph had 742 00:35:09,380 --> 00:35:11,220 relatives in Bethlehem. 743 00:35:11,220 --> 00:35:15,260 The likeliest explanation is that kataluma refers to there being 744 00:35:15,260 --> 00:35:18,500 no space in the guest room at his relatives' house. 745 00:35:18,500 --> 00:35:20,900 And he was born in a manger, we do know that, 746 00:35:20,900 --> 00:35:23,500 so it's a feeding trough - that is mentioned in the Bible - 747 00:35:23,500 --> 00:35:26,060 but that probably just means he was born in the ground floor 748 00:35:26,060 --> 00:35:28,980 living area. You often brought the animals in to keep it nice and warm, 749 00:35:28,980 --> 00:35:32,500 and so on. So the chances are that he was actually just born 750 00:35:32,500 --> 00:35:34,460 in a crowded family house. 751 00:35:34,460 --> 00:35:36,900 If you actually get a genuine inn mentioned in the Bible, 752 00:35:36,900 --> 00:35:40,700 it's a different word, it's "pandocheion", which means place where strangers are welcome. 753 00:35:40,700 --> 00:35:44,940 I really look forward to your Christmas sermon. Yes. 754 00:35:44,940 --> 00:35:47,740 In fact, the only gospels that mention the nativity are Matthew 755 00:35:47,740 --> 00:35:51,020 and Luke, and they have completely different versions. Matthew mentions 756 00:35:51,020 --> 00:35:53,300 the wise men visiting, Luke mentions the shepherds. 757 00:35:53,300 --> 00:35:57,300 John talks about watching The Great Escape at four o'clock. Yeah. 758 00:35:57,300 --> 00:36:00,220 Mark and John, the other gospels, don't mention the nativity at all. 759 00:36:00,220 --> 00:36:02,580 But here is the extraordinary thing about the Bible, 760 00:36:02,580 --> 00:36:05,860 is that women in the Bible speak 1% of the time. 761 00:36:05,860 --> 00:36:08,300 Be amazing, wouldn't it? 762 00:36:08,300 --> 00:36:10,940 LAUGHTER 763 00:36:14,620 --> 00:36:16,860 It's been lovely, being on the show. 764 00:36:16,860 --> 00:36:18,580 LAUGHTER 765 00:36:19,940 --> 00:36:22,340 No, women hardly say a word, including the Virgin Mary, 766 00:36:22,340 --> 00:36:24,620 who must have been rather surprised by the entire thing. 767 00:36:24,620 --> 00:36:27,580 She didn't say anything? She says about 108 words in the entire... 768 00:36:27,580 --> 00:36:30,940 And none of them are, "Really?! What?!" 769 00:36:32,060 --> 00:36:37,220 Now, what word beginning with C describes people who make shoes? 770 00:36:37,220 --> 00:36:39,260 Oh... Oh... 771 00:36:39,260 --> 00:36:40,900 # Hallelujah. # 772 00:36:40,900 --> 00:36:43,020 Absolutely not cobbler. 773 00:36:43,020 --> 00:36:44,660 Correct. Not cobblers. 774 00:36:44,660 --> 00:36:46,940 Cobblers don't make shoes. What do they do? 775 00:36:46,940 --> 00:36:49,340 Fix. They mend them, absolutely right. 776 00:36:49,340 --> 00:36:51,940 A cordwainer. Yes, it is a cordwainer. 777 00:36:51,940 --> 00:36:53,980 You're absolutely right. Wow. Whoa! 778 00:36:53,980 --> 00:36:56,580 APPLAUSE 779 00:36:56,580 --> 00:36:58,060 Well, I'll tell you why I know that, 780 00:36:58,060 --> 00:37:01,140 because my school was sponsored by loads of livery companies. Yes. 781 00:37:01,140 --> 00:37:04,340 And the Cordwainers were one of the livery companies that sponsored them. 782 00:37:04,340 --> 00:37:07,660 They are one of the oldest guilds, since 1131, the Cordwainers. 783 00:37:07,660 --> 00:37:10,420 And they were in Hackney. Oh, that's very impressive, darling. 784 00:37:10,420 --> 00:37:13,700 And would you know why cordwainers? Do you know why that name? 785 00:37:13,700 --> 00:37:15,700 No. No. OK. 786 00:37:15,700 --> 00:37:17,140 They dealt with Cordovan leather, 787 00:37:17,140 --> 00:37:19,940 so it's a specific kind of leather from Spanish goats. 788 00:37:19,940 --> 00:37:22,620 Cobblers were actually prevented by law from making new shoes. 789 00:37:22,620 --> 00:37:24,900 They were allowed to collect old shoes and cut them apart 790 00:37:24,900 --> 00:37:27,300 and use the leather to make cheap second-hand shoes, 791 00:37:27,300 --> 00:37:28,980 but they were not allowed to make new ones. 792 00:37:28,980 --> 00:37:30,940 Why do we say "cobblers" for nonsense, 793 00:37:30,940 --> 00:37:33,420 does anybody know, in rhyming slang? 794 00:37:33,420 --> 00:37:35,180 It's cobbler's awls. 795 00:37:35,180 --> 00:37:37,060 An awl is a tool, it's sort of a pointed tool 796 00:37:37,060 --> 00:37:39,940 that pierces holes in leather. So cobbler's awls... 797 00:37:39,940 --> 00:37:41,340 Balls. Balls. 798 00:37:41,340 --> 00:37:43,780 There you go. Is it? Yeah. Oh. Oh. 799 00:37:43,780 --> 00:37:46,380 So, what's a cobbler, like, a pudding? 800 00:37:46,380 --> 00:37:47,660 Like a peach cobbler? 801 00:37:47,660 --> 00:37:49,940 Why the connection with the two words? Yeah. I'm not sure. 802 00:37:49,940 --> 00:37:51,460 Is it cos it's cobbled together? 803 00:37:51,460 --> 00:37:54,340 It might be related to the word cobeler, which means wooden bowl, 804 00:37:54,340 --> 00:37:56,540 and therefore has an entirely different origin. 805 00:37:56,540 --> 00:37:58,580 Made out of shoe pastry! Yeah! 806 00:37:58,580 --> 00:38:01,220 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 807 00:38:05,500 --> 00:38:08,660 I want you to think back 2,000 years to a group of shepherds, 808 00:38:08,660 --> 00:38:12,180 washing their socks by night under a deep red sky. 809 00:38:12,180 --> 00:38:17,060 What did the sky tell them about the weather forecast? 810 00:38:17,060 --> 00:38:18,940 # Hallelujah. # 811 00:38:18,940 --> 00:38:20,140 Justin? 812 00:38:20,140 --> 00:38:21,940 Red sky at night... Angel Delight. 813 00:38:21,940 --> 00:38:23,780 ..shepherd's delight. 814 00:38:23,780 --> 00:38:25,380 Is correct. Oh, it is correct? Yes. 815 00:38:25,380 --> 00:38:26,940 Are you having a little seizure? 816 00:38:26,940 --> 00:38:28,660 Yeah, I thought I was going to get the... 817 00:38:28,660 --> 00:38:30,500 IMITATES KLAXON "You're an idiot!" 818 00:38:30,500 --> 00:38:32,220 In fact, it is a very useful thing. 819 00:38:32,220 --> 00:38:34,100 "Red sky at night, shepherd's delight" 820 00:38:34,100 --> 00:38:36,220 is an entirely useful prognostication. 821 00:38:36,220 --> 00:38:38,860 So you get a red sky at night when dust and small particles 822 00:38:38,860 --> 00:38:41,860 are trapped in the atmosphere by high pressure. 823 00:38:41,860 --> 00:38:44,700 So a red sky at sunset could well mean that high pressure 824 00:38:44,700 --> 00:38:47,580 is moving in from the west, and if that's the case, 825 00:38:47,580 --> 00:38:50,380 the next day is usually going to be dry and very pleasant. 826 00:38:50,380 --> 00:38:53,020 Conversely, if you get a red sky in the morning, that's often 827 00:38:53,020 --> 00:38:55,100 because the high-pressure system has passed on 828 00:38:55,100 --> 00:38:57,700 and the wet and windy low-pressure system is coming behind it. 829 00:38:57,700 --> 00:38:59,540 Red sky in the morning, sailor's warning. 830 00:38:59,540 --> 00:39:01,220 Yeah, all of those... All of those things. 831 00:39:01,220 --> 00:39:02,580 But if you're in Australia, 832 00:39:02,580 --> 00:39:04,620 just a word of caution to our Australian viewers, 833 00:39:04,620 --> 00:39:06,380 the north of Australia is the opposite, 834 00:39:06,380 --> 00:39:08,060 so it has tropical weather patterns. 835 00:39:08,060 --> 00:39:10,340 Also, you've got poisonous spiders. There's that. 836 00:39:10,340 --> 00:39:12,260 LAUGHTER 837 00:39:12,260 --> 00:39:14,780 Red sky at night might just be right. 838 00:39:14,780 --> 00:39:18,420 Who wrote Oliver Twiss and Nickelas Nicklebery? 839 00:39:18,420 --> 00:39:22,300 Oliver Twiss? That's not right. No. 840 00:39:22,300 --> 00:39:26,380 Are these a kind of, what, spoofy Charles Dickens? They are. 841 00:39:26,380 --> 00:39:30,060 # Hallelujah! # Yes, Justin? Is it Dick Charles? 842 00:39:30,060 --> 00:39:33,780 Er... It might as well have been, is the truth of it. Yeah. 843 00:39:33,780 --> 00:39:36,140 He was so popular. This is our second Dickens question 844 00:39:36,140 --> 00:39:38,540 cos he's such a kind of iconic figure at Christmas. 845 00:39:38,540 --> 00:39:41,900 There were loads of knock-off versions of his most famous works. 846 00:39:41,900 --> 00:39:46,460 So there was Barnaby Budge, David Copperful, Martin Guzzlewit, 847 00:39:46,460 --> 00:39:49,860 the Penny Pickwick, and these all sold phenomenally well. 848 00:39:49,860 --> 00:39:51,500 But were they actually the story? 849 00:39:51,500 --> 00:39:54,580 Well, the story was written by a man called Thomas Peckett Prest. 850 00:39:54,580 --> 00:39:58,060 I have to say, Thomas's versions were a little bit sexier. 851 00:39:58,060 --> 00:40:02,260 So Nancy in Oliver Twiss, renamed as Poll Smiggins, 852 00:40:02,260 --> 00:40:05,420 has a... Let's call it a more sexually explicit backstory. 853 00:40:05,420 --> 00:40:06,940 So they're a little bit racier. 854 00:40:06,940 --> 00:40:09,260 But there was no law stopping anybody selling these 855 00:40:09,260 --> 00:40:11,820 kind of knock-offs until the Copyright Act of 1842. 856 00:40:11,820 --> 00:40:14,060 It sounds like the modern-day equivalent would be 857 00:40:14,060 --> 00:40:17,260 if you only watched the porn version of films instead of the originals. 858 00:40:17,260 --> 00:40:19,180 Yes, yeah, exactly, yes. Yes. 859 00:40:19,180 --> 00:40:21,740 Saving Ryan's Privates. There you go. Yeah. 860 00:40:21,740 --> 00:40:24,140 Tale Of Two Titties. Or is it Shaving Ryan's Privates? 861 00:40:24,140 --> 00:40:26,660 Good Will Humping. 862 00:40:26,660 --> 00:40:30,940 Right, time now for our final record attempt - 863 00:40:30,940 --> 00:40:35,620 the fastest time to dress up as Santa Claus. OK? 864 00:40:35,620 --> 00:40:38,060 So you can see I've already got part of it on. 865 00:40:38,060 --> 00:40:40,700 I was going to do this myself, but one of the conditions is that 866 00:40:40,700 --> 00:40:42,940 you have to start out in your underwear. 867 00:40:42,940 --> 00:40:46,620 So I've asked my son, Theo, to do it for me. 868 00:40:46,620 --> 00:40:49,220 He looks so much better in his unmentionables than I do. 869 00:40:49,220 --> 00:40:52,380 Oh, he's not wearing your underwear? No, he's not wearing my underwear. 870 00:40:52,380 --> 00:40:54,900 The time to beat is 30.94 seconds. 871 00:40:54,900 --> 00:40:57,940 I'm going to hand over to Craig for the last time. 872 00:40:57,940 --> 00:40:59,620 Any rules about this, Craig? 873 00:40:59,620 --> 00:41:02,860 It's a Guinness World Records approved Santa outfit. 874 00:41:02,860 --> 00:41:06,300 You know you have to put it all on exactly as it's presented. 875 00:41:06,300 --> 00:41:10,620 And when you're done, hands up and say stop or ho-ho-ho or whatever. 876 00:41:10,620 --> 00:41:13,420 Stop is quicker. Stop is quicker. 877 00:41:13,420 --> 00:41:17,180 You have 30.94 seconds to beat, so I'll give you a three, two, one. 878 00:41:17,180 --> 00:41:20,900 OK. Come on. And then at the end... We'll burn you. Hang you and burn you. 879 00:41:20,900 --> 00:41:23,740 LAUGHTER 880 00:41:23,740 --> 00:41:25,620 Ready? 881 00:41:25,620 --> 00:41:28,900 Can I just ask Alan to give me some radio commentary on this? 882 00:41:28,900 --> 00:41:32,460 Certainly. Certainly. Over to Alan in the commentary box. 883 00:41:32,460 --> 00:41:34,700 He's standing up. 884 00:41:34,700 --> 00:41:36,540 Near some Santa clothes. 885 00:41:36,540 --> 00:41:40,620 Are we ready? Yes. Three, two, one. Go! 886 00:41:40,620 --> 00:41:44,660 HOLLY: Theo, Theo, Theo, Theo, Theo! 887 00:41:44,660 --> 00:41:48,060 CHEERING, SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT 888 00:41:49,940 --> 00:41:51,780 CHEERING 889 00:41:53,820 --> 00:41:57,260 SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT 890 00:42:00,420 --> 00:42:02,140 DROWNED OUT BY AUDIENCE 891 00:42:09,100 --> 00:42:12,100 KLAXON, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 892 00:42:14,740 --> 00:42:18,180 So you had 30.94 to beat. 893 00:42:18,180 --> 00:42:21,100 And you achieved...28... 894 00:42:21,100 --> 00:42:24,260 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 895 00:42:27,740 --> 00:42:29,980 Is that it? Has he done it? He's done it. 896 00:42:29,980 --> 00:42:32,620 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 897 00:42:37,580 --> 00:42:41,780 Are you proud, Sandi? Oh, both my boys, Alan and Theo! 898 00:42:41,780 --> 00:42:44,700 This has been a very important Christmas for me! 899 00:42:44,700 --> 00:42:48,620 You're going to have the smuggest round-robin ever! I know, right? 900 00:42:48,620 --> 00:42:51,300 "I'd only just recovered from Alan's world record..." 901 00:42:53,340 --> 00:42:56,380 This is the point where I traditionally do the scores, 902 00:42:56,380 --> 00:43:00,420 but it's Christmas, so everyone is a winner! 903 00:43:00,420 --> 00:43:03,060 # Halle 904 00:43:03,060 --> 00:43:07,220 # Lujah! # 905 00:43:07,220 --> 00:43:11,980 Right, that's it from Justin, Holly, Chris, Alan and me. 906 00:43:11,980 --> 00:43:16,620 And merry Christmas to you all, you filthy animals. Goodnight. 907 00:43:16,620 --> 00:43:20,140 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE