Good evening.
And welcome to a truly remarkable, rabble-rousing, absolutely ravenous,
really rather rude collection of my favourite bits of business
from a series of QI that's all about the letter R.
Here are a few Danish words just to see if you can see
what they mean.
"Bag-slag"? "Bag-slag".
It's not funny to me at all?
What, "bag-slag"? No, it's bagslag.
Yes. And is it still a slapper?
Just politely! Dancing round the handbag. Yeah!
Oh, Sandra, come away, you bag-slag!
No, it means backfire.
Bagslag.
So, then, what does...? Isn't that what fart is?
Yeah, so does fart, yeah.
"Fart" is the Danish word for speed.
So you have to mind your fart.
What about the other one?
Anybody want to try? Boghandel.</font Berk-hand-l.
Yeah, how do you pronounce that one?
Boghandel. Bo-handle.
No, no. Boghandel.
Boghandel.
Bo-hand-a.
This is so fun!
"Bo" means book and "handel" is the handler of the books,
so it's the book shop.
Boghandel. Book shop.
Yeah. Bog-handle.
So you'd go, "I need to go..."
Fart down to the book shop. "..fart to the book shop."
"I want to read 50 Shades of Grey because I'm a bag-slag."
Actually, this is one of my favourite stories.
Does anybody remember Fabio? Do you remember Fabio?
Oh, yeah. Sexy Fabio?
Sexy Fabio. Sexy Fabio.
There he is, sexy Fabio.
He was often on the, sort of, cover of romance novels.
Anyway, he went on a roller-coaster.
It was the inaugural ride of this roller-coaster in Virginia.
Oh, I remember this.
This was in 1999 and he killed a goose with his face.
What?!
What do you mean?!
Help!
Everyone thought it was hilarious.
Look at that girl behind him.
This is the thing.
"Oh, Fabio, even when you do that, it's sexy." Yeah!
Weird question - do geese like roller-coasters?
No, the goose flew at his face. It flew into his face.
Here's the thing, is that we're not really sure whether the goose flew
into the roller-coaster and then hit Fabio...
"That looks like Fabio, isn't it?"
"It could be, you know."
"He's moving!"
Anyway, he said afterwards,
he said, "It was very dangerous to go on roller-coasters.
"This was clearly not a freak accident and it would happen again."
As far as we know, it hasn't.
"This is going to happen again.
"It's a ticking time..."
I reckon, if a bird did fly in his face, at that speed,
he'd have had much more serious damage than that.
It was probably pulling up, wasn't it?
Whoa! Whoa!
I imagine it was right on the belly.
If it was this soft behind of a goose...
Yeah. ..then perhaps that would have...
You mean he was pursuing the goose? He was pursuing...
"Get off, Fabio! Get off!"
And then it just went up a loop, and went right round.
How I wish you two had been the detectives on this case.
"I'm coming for you!"
"Hey, ladies, watch me get this goose on my nose. Watch this."
Voo-voo-voo-voo-voof!
"This could happen again."
How would you sell a house right next to a nuclear power plant?
How do you sell it? How do you sell it? Yeah, how would you sell it? Rightmove?
I don't know, I mean, estate agent?
Yes, go to the estate agent.
Well, when you take photographs...
Yeah. ..face the other way. Yes.
And then try and distract people.
You are exactly right.
Have a look at this. This is 2009.
This was a charming, three-bedroom, Kent cottage that was for sale.
The estate agent failed to mention the view
if you stood behind the house.
Let's just have a look at the view. There we are.
Wow!
It's 100 yards from Dungeness Nuclear Power Station -
one of the largest nuclear power stations in Europe -
and they didn't mention it.
When they were asked about it, they said,
"The thing is, anywhere on Dungeness is close to the power station."
And if the nuclear power station are out, you have to collect their deliveries as well.
Yes!
"Could you hold on to this glowing box for 12 hours?"</font "It a bit hot!"
Well, we've all done a motorway mooney.
We haven't all done a motorway mooney, Holly Walsh.
It's just you. OK, fine. Who's done a motorway mooney?
Have you done a motorway mooney?
No.
Please say, "No."
You need to back me up here. You must have done one.
It was in France. It wasn't here.
Oh, that doesn't count?
It's different. An autoroute booty.
I thought, "No-one will know it's me."
I was on my own.
I wouldn't take my trousers off in front of anyone.
You were on your own? Were you driving?
How does that work?
I'm a very talented driver.
I was going to say!
Although, I was being taught how to drive a tractor once by a farmer...
Right... and I hadn't realised that the farmer had jumped off.
How could you not notice? There's not doors, or anything.
He was stood on the outside and we were talking,
and I thought, "He's been quiet for a while."
He'd fallen to his death!
We had done gone quite a long way,
and he hadn't yet taught me how to stop it.
Oh, my God. What happened?
Well, I had to crash into a barn.
You began this story by saying, "I have many skills."
And then the first thing you say is you drove a tractor into a barn.
What comes next in this sequence?
That actually looks like Take That just before Robbie left.
Very good.
Which end are we adding to? We're adding to the right.
What's the next one?
Is it vomit? It is vomit, darling.
It's known as BARF. Yeah.
It's the Baxter Animated Retching Faces.
Mm. Hm. Ha. Huh.
Arghh!
What it is, it's used for children
so, when they've got nausea and they can't explain exactly
how bad they feel... Oh.
..then you use this, usually with a computer screen so the user
can kind of scroll up and down,
and stop at the one that describes how they're feeling.
I need to bring that and give it to my friends for nights out.
"I don't... Hi, darling. I'm bo-..."
"Oh, is she going to go?" "Darling, point!" "Ey?" "Point! Point!"
"She's about to spew." "Hold my hair, John. Hold..."
"You're all right, darling. You're fine."
"You're all right." "I'm so sorry."
"It's OK. We still love you." "I'm so sorry..."
"She'll be fine. She'll be fine."
"Once I get it out, I can go again."
"Yeah." "It's preventative."
"That's why we love you."
"Am I still pretty, John?"
"Yeah, you're always pretty."
"Wipe that off a bit. There you go."
"Best friend I've ever had, John."
"She'll be fine."
This is classic me.
It's normally, "Aisling!"
"Yeah-huh?"
"Aisling!"
"Be out in two minutes."
"Just say something so we know you're not dead, love."
"I'm not dead, love."
Bridget knows some farmers, or knew some farmers until they died.
You knew Afarmer. The one who fell off the tractor.
Was he OK, by the way?
Oh, he was just, like, waving from two fields away.
Did you hurt yourself when he went into the barn?
Or did you come out the other side with a cow on the front?
It was the worst three days of my life.
You were driving it round for three days?!
No... For three days, you couldn't find the brakes?
Going round and round like Father Ted.
No, I thought there was more to life than working in an office,
so I thought, "Oh, I'll be a farm hand."
Just drive for three days?
No, that was the job on the second day,
but I'd already had to milk cows with my hand.
Did you do the third day for being a farmer?
I said, "I'm not cut out for this, I'm really sorry."
So, day one, they make you milk a cow.
Day two, they taught you how to drive, but not stop, a tractor.
What was the third one? They were like, "There's a haystack.
"Somewhere in it's a needle. Good luck."
I've just remembered the worst thing... There's more?
Yeah. When I was milking the cow, they know from your touch
if you're new.
You're in, like, a swimming pool that doesn't have water in it.
They don't make you swim and milk them at the same time.
It's just so you're on the level with their feet,
and you're here going, "Oh, come on."
And the cow's tail went up, and it pooed all over me,
because it was new and it... Why were you behind it?
No, I was underneath it.
You should have stood to the side.
No, that's still not the worst... That's STILL not the worst bit?
The worst bit is that the farmer made me stand in the courtyard
while he hosed me down with a hose.
That's abuse. That's what I thought.
I thought, "Oh, I'm sure I'm sure it's all off now."
Alan. Yeah?
What is your buzzer?
What's red and roughy?
Ooh! Ooh, hello!
Who's allowed that photograph to be taken of themselves?
That's mine.
When I did Strictly Come Dancing, they said, "It's in high definition,
"and you wear a leotard."
And I thought, "Got it."
What they were saying was,
"Please do something."
Because the first time I got the fitting, I was wearing shorts,
and so I had to go, for the very first time, at the age of 43,
for a bikini wax, and it was the most terrifying thing
that's ever happened in my entire life. It really was.
It was exposing and strange, and afterwards, I was so cold.
To be fair, Susan, if somebody suggested you have a wax
if you're wearing shorts...
"These are going to get shorter, babe.
"Unless we are transporting tarantulas, I think, er..."
Isn't it one of those things as well,
when you've been married for 17 years, and you just kind of
stop caring because neither of you is going to find anyone else,
so you just kind of let it all kind of join up?
But it's also knowing what's in vogue
if you haven't been on the "market" for a while, isn't it?
Because, you know, I've been with my partner for 20-plus years,
and back then, it was plaits and beads.
Sort of Willie Nelson, if you will.
So, erm, did you...?
OK.
Did you go...? What's the thing? Bermudan?
What's the thing? Bermudan!
A Bermuda triangle, where everything disappears!
Just a ship disappeared up there.
Pilots walking out.
World War II pilots... "What year is it?"
"The things I seen!" What's it called when you have...?
Brazilian. Brazilian!
Not Bermudan Triangle, Brazilian!
So, the Hollywood's nothing. The Brazilian's the strip.
And then there's something where you just go, "Just make me a bit..."
The Macclesfield.
"Sod it!"
"Deal with that!"
We... We... Moving along...
Enough! Enough! The question was, "What's red and roughy?"
And it has nothing to do with these pants at all.
Why are we looking at this picture, then?
It was meant to spark conversation and, weirdly, it did.
I've only once played roulette, and in extraordinary circumstance.
It was quite recently.
My wife and I went for our wedding anniversary to Barbados.
We were on the beach, sun was setting, wonderful golden sand,
and this little old wizened lady came teetering along the beach
towards us. And it wasn't till she got to about here that we realised
it was actually Mick Jagger.
This is a true story.
And it turned out he was a really enthusiastic viewer of Countdown,
so he knew who I was, and I obviously knew who he was,
and my wife was quite excited.
So, anyway, we went off for the evening, and we went to a casino
with Mick Jagger, and he very sweetly gave us the chips,
and of course, we lost, but it didn't seem to bother him,
which was fantastic.
That's amazing! Lovely.
There's this really bad Chris de Burgh song about a death train.
Is there? Yeah.
Go on.
# And I said, Lord... #
No, because I did this before
with Joseph And The Technicolour Dreamcoat,
and it ended up all over the internet.
No, do it again.
# I said, Lord, oh, Lord, don't let him in
# The sun is down and the night is coming in
# That train is dead on time
# Many souls are on the line
# Oh, Lord, don't let him win. #
That's not going anywhere.
We're going to play a game of Beer Hunter.
OK, so I have four cans.
OK, so... I don't like the look of this.
That's Mark's.
OK.
OK. So here's one for you. Here's one for you.
That's for Phill, and then you have that one.
There we go. Thank you.
OK, let's have a go at opening them. Sara, you want to go first?
Yeah, I'm going to do some tapping first. Do some tapping?
Think that's going to help? Well, this is an Essex trick.
OK. You want me to open mine? Yes, please.
Go.
OK. So not that one. Alan?
Oh! OK, not that one. Mark?
Well, the more this game goes on, the worst feeling I have about it.
No? OK.
Phill? Wow.
Phill?
What could this man do in 28 seconds?
Where's the silly laughter coming from?
Who's sniggering at the back of the class?
He's Scottish. His name is Robert Liston.
19th century. 19th century? He was a surgeon.
He was a surgeon, famed for his speed.
He could amputate a leg in 28 seconds.
That's too quick. Yeah.
I feel like I could do it quicker, actually.
What's that, half a second?
No, but you have to tie all the veins together.
Oh, you've got to finish the job? Yeah, you've got to finish it off.
His catchphrase was, "Time me, gentlemen."
So...
In those days, theatres were called that for a reason,
because people sold tickets, and there were spectators,
so what happened on this one particular occasion,
it did not go all that well, one time he accidentally chopped off
a patient's testicles along with his leg.
No! Too high up the leg.
I know, right? Too high!
On one occasion, he was doing the amputation,
so you have to imagine he has to be fast,
because there's no anaesthetic. Yeah. He brought the knife down,
he managed to sever three of his assistant's fingers.
And as he brought it back up, he slashed the cloak of a spectator.
The patient and the assistant both died later of gangrene.
Their wounds became infected, and the story is that
the spectator died of fright because he thought he had been stabbed.
It is the only operation on record with a 300% mortality rate.
So... Did he lose his licence?
No, darling. People queued up to see him, they absolutely did,
because his mortality rate was one in seven,
and... One in seven?! Well, the average was one in four.
So, you know. But to the idea that people don't make mistakes now,
let me tell you, in 2019, a hospital in Leicester
paid out £20,000 to a man they had circumcised by mistake.
He'd gone in for a procedure on his bladder. No!
He said he got distracted chatting to the nurses.
What? Yeah.
So he didn't notice he was having the wrong operation
until it was too late.
He described it as "a real surprise."
20 grand, though.
I'd take it.
I went to the IMAX to watch Gravity. with Sandra Bullock.Right.
Is this a film, darling?
Because that just sounds like a really boring thing to do.
It's a film.
You and Sandra Bullock watching gravity.
You can't tell me...
Wow!
"Sandra! Sandra!"
"Sandra! Oh!"
I mean, you wouldn't need to go to the IMAX, surely.
"Sandra! Sandra!
"Look at that!"
I rarely stand up for myself.
You cannot tell me that the star of Miss Congeniality
and Miss Congeniality 2: Armed And Fabulous,
could not make me interested by doing that.
But it was a film about space.
It was just her. She was in her pants and vest.
That's irrelevant to the story. She was in Gravity.
She was there. I was right up close because I couldn't get seats
because I was late in booking.
It's huge. It's the size of this entire studio.
Why couldn't you get seats? You know Sandra Bullock.
I've not understood this story.
I'm there, I'm sitting, she's right in front of me.
It was so realistic that I vomited on myself in the cinema
because I felt like I was in space with Sandra Bullock,
who's a real person, who was not doing that,
she was trying to escape.
Humans would be described as radiators
because 60% of our body heat leaves us through radiation.
So the heat is transferred to blood vessels at the body's surface.
Has she got hot boobs or cold boobs?
I'd say those tits are hot, I would say.
Is she a mermaid?
She's covering her modesty as if...
He's not.
No, he's... He's very happy with himself, isn't he?
Anyway, so we radiate heat all the time, so we are a form of radiator.
Toucans radiate even more, and they are astonishing.
So they use those big bills, which you would think was
just to attract mates or to identify toucans of the same species.
Tell you what, Sandi, my radiators have led to quite big bills.
I like that. I like that.
Very, very good wordplay.
Double meaning, double meaning of bills, you see.
That really should have got a...
Have you ever had TWO CANS of beer?
Oh.
So fickle.
There was a man who said that women at 50 are invisible.
Not to men who are 54.
Certainly in a restaurant, that is true.
Have you tried popping one tit out and seeing if they can see you then?
Just the one. No need to come across as loose or fast.
At a certain age, Aisling, I don't want to compare boobage,
but they just sort of fall out and drag with you.
You've got to be very careful.
Oh, like you could pop it out under your skirt. Yeah, anywhere.
You have to pop it out, and then you have to go, "Oh!
"Oh! Oh!
"Oh, yeah, I'll have soup..."
My forebear, Jeremiah Brandreth, was a revolutionary,
and the last person to be beheaded in this country for treason.
I think we have a picture, actually, of Jeremiah.
There he is. He was part of the Pendrick... 1817.
He was a revolutionary. He began as a Luddite.
He realised that the Industrial Revolution was going to
make people lose their jobs.
He was determined to overthrow the government of the day.
And, anyway, he led this revolution up in Derbyshire.
He was known as the Nottingham Captain, and was arrested,
put on trial, and was not just hanged, but he was then beheaded.
Yes. Because he was a traitor.
Because they wanted to show the head.
I think he was already dead by the time he was beheaded.
Now, we were trying to see the family likeness in this,
so we've done a little bit of Photoshopping
just to see how that would look.
So there you are.
Uncanny! Uncanny.
I do think, darling, if you were ever beheaded, just as they lifted
the head up, you'd be going, "I've got one more story."
"You know, the head can live on for another 15 sec..."
Which is better - symmetrical knees or symmetrical nostrils?
Ooh! I know. Who would've thought there was a choice?
Which is better? Yeah. Which is better?
I'd say knees. Why would you say knees?
To have your face exactly the same on both sides
would actually be really odd, wouldn't it? Yeah.
I thought the height of beauty was having a symmetrical face.
OK, let's have a look at ourselves with symmetrical faces.
Oh, God. Here we are.
This is...
This is the left side of your faces replicated.
It's had more impact than your hairdo.
I look terrifying. I look like a chipmunk.
That's our left sides. Let's have a look at our right sides
and see if we think that's any better.
That's amazing!
Christ, you're straight out of Star Trek.
"I come in peace."
That is the weirdest thing. Alan, you don't look like yourself at all.
Oh, look, at Alan. I feel really sad for him there. I don't know why.
Does anybody know what the world record is for catching shuttlecocks
with a pair of chopsticks?
I have got a racquet and a shuttlecock.
We're going to give this a go.
OK, who wants to go first? Sure.
You going up?
Oh, almost!
Yeah. Aisling, you want a go? Yeah. Ready? OK.
No.
Phill, get ready.
Oh! Alan.
Maybe it's not catching it. You have to stab it a little bit.
I don't know what's the easiest thing. If I send it high...
Well, why don't...? Go high, go high.
So this is a thing.
Do you know what the world record is? 4,000.
"Exterminate Jelly Babies."
"Darling, don't say that! What a lovely basket you've got."
"Argh!" "Mother!" "Argh!" "Mother!"
"Exterminate!"
"Oh, no, it's come back as a woman."
Oh, my God. Give a bunch of performers too much sugar...
Oh!
But I didn't hit it to you.
But you didn't say that you HAD to hit it to me.
No, it's the world record for catching a shuttlecock,
but I've got to send it to you.
OK, try now. Try now.
Now you've got the hang of it, I will... I'm going to stand up.
I'll do a gentler one. You ready? Ready.
Yes!
I did Celebrity Million Pound Drop.
Did you win? Yeah, we won. We won, like, 25 grand.
Me and Alex from Last Leg.
The last bundle, isn't it? You what?
25 grand is the last... You lost loads.
You had one bundle of cash left,
and I know this because I did that programme, and I also won 25 grand.
We lost 450 grand on, "What was the first flavour of crisps?"
You've got to go like this with piles of money.
It's all for charity. It's all for charity.
It wasn't once you'd finished.
My favourite way to open a champagne bottle is with...
A sword. ..a sword. Indeed.
Oh, my gosh. Ho-ho!
So I would like to introduce you to someone who can do just that.
Please welcome Julian the Magnificent.
Oh! Oh, my gosh!
Julian, am I right? You are a member of La Confrerie du Sabre d'Or.
Is that right? I am. Have I said it correctly?
You have indeed, and I'm the ambassador emeritus.
Isn't that fantastic?
Oh, ambassador, you are spoiling us.
How did you come to be able to do this?
Well, I get a thirst around about 11.00 every morning.
Yes. Absolutely.
So I take out a bottle of champagne and one of my sabres,
and I remove the top, and Bob's your uncle.
Now, here's the thing.
I was told that, for health and safety reasons,
we cannot actually do this.
Oh, come on!
However, if you all agree, should we just do it?
Yeah!
"Do you remember we were there the night at the studio
"when Sandi Toksvig lost her hand?"
Can I just be really clear? You're not going to extract the cork,
you're actually going to...
I shall remove the glass annulus and the cork together.
Oh, my God! OK. Are you OK to stand this close?
No problem at all, because I'm going to be shooting it over there.
OK! All right.
That is a gentleman! That is a gentleman!
We've all heard that before. A gentleman warns you.
"You'll be fine, I'll shoot over there."
Do not try this at home.
You go ahead. Yeah. Off we go.
So magnificent, Julian!
Look at that! Fair play, I mean...
Don't touch the top, because it's sharp, obviously...
But you could drink that?
You could drink that perfectly, because no glass will go inside.
As you quite rightly said earlier,
the pressure is about five times, actually.
OK. And it will just shoot any glass away.
Can I learn how to do it? You can indeed.
OK. Sandi!
It takes three seconds. Let's do it.
Three seconds?!
"Do you remember you were there the night Alan Davies lost his hand?"
You're right-handed, Sandi? I'm right-handed, yes.
Take your left hand... My left hand, yes.
..with your thumb up the punt. "Thumb up the punt"? Punt, yes.
Not the first time.
There you are.OK. "Champagne?" Oh, it's quite heavy.
Right, now the art of sabrage - you never take the blade off the glass.
No. It's a shaving motion.
You go straight up there, and follow through. Don't stop.Right.
Take the glass annulus and the cork with it. With the sword in this...?
But never take the blade off the glass.
OK. The straighter you get it, the more...
Can you hold the bottle as well? I'll do that for you. Why not? OK.
Off you go. It's terrifying.
Oh, my God!
That was amazing!
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