1 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:35,479 Good evening. 2 00:00:35,480 --> 00:00:41,119 And welcome to a truly remarkable, rabble-rousing, absolutely ravenous, 3 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:44,239 really rather rude collection of my favourite bits of business 4 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:48,879 from a series of QI that's all about the letter R. 5 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:51,519 Here are a few Danish words just to see if you can see 6 00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:52,840 what they mean. 7 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:56,759 "Bag-slag"? "Bag-slag". 8 00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:58,599 It's not funny to me at all? 9 00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:00,800 What, "bag-slag"? No, it's bagslag. 10 00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:04,560 Yes. And is it still a slapper? 11 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:09,560 Just politely! Dancing round the handbag. Yeah! 12 00:01:10,680 --> 00:01:12,360 Oh, Sandra, come away, you bag-slag! 13 00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:17,599 No, it means backfire. 14 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:18,759 Bagslag. 15 00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:21,119 So, then, what does...? Isn't that what fart is? 16 00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:22,559 Yeah, so does fart, yeah. 17 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,319 "Fart" is the Danish word for speed. 18 00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:26,080 So you have to mind your fart. 19 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:29,159 What about the other one? 20 00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:31,359 Anybody want to try? Boghandel. 00:01:32,999 Yeah, how do you pronounce that one? 22 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:34,919 Boghandel. Bo-handle. 23 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:37,159 No, no. Boghandel. 24 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:38,319 Boghandel. 25 00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:39,360 Bo-hand-a. 26 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:42,639 This is so fun! 27 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:45,799 "Bo" means book and "handel" is the handler of the books, 28 00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:47,279 so it's the book shop. 29 00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:48,479 Boghandel. Book shop. 30 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:50,119 Yeah. Bog-handle. 31 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:51,399 So you'd go, "I need to go..." 32 00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:53,760 Fart down to the book shop. "..fart to the book shop." 33 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:58,000 "I want to read 50 Shades of Grey because I'm a bag-slag." 34 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:02,919 Actually, this is one of my favourite stories. 35 00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:05,359 Does anybody remember Fabio? Do you remember Fabio? 36 00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:06,959 Oh, yeah. Sexy Fabio? 37 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,279 Sexy Fabio. Sexy Fabio. 38 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:09,599 There he is, sexy Fabio. 39 00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:12,159 He was often on the, sort of, cover of romance novels. 40 00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:14,519 Anyway, he went on a roller-coaster. 41 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:17,239 It was the inaugural ride of this roller-coaster in Virginia. 42 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:19,359 Oh, I remember this. 43 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:21,760 This was in 1999 and he killed a goose with his face. 44 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:27,840 What?! 45 00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:32,999 What do you mean?! 46 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:34,439 Help! 47 00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:36,199 Everyone thought it was hilarious. 48 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:37,479 Look at that girl behind him. 49 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:39,239 This is the thing. 50 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:41,360 "Oh, Fabio, even when you do that, it's sexy." Yeah! 51 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:45,839 Weird question - do geese like roller-coasters? 52 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:48,919 No, the goose flew at his face. It flew into his face. 53 00:02:48,920 --> 00:02:53,399 Here's the thing, is that we're not really sure whether the goose flew 54 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:55,319 into the roller-coaster and then hit Fabio... 55 00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:56,920 "That looks like Fabio, isn't it?" 56 00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:01,439 "It could be, you know." 57 00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:02,760 "He's moving!" 58 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:10,879 Anyway, he said afterwards, 59 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:13,279 he said, "It was very dangerous to go on roller-coasters. 60 00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:16,000 "This was clearly not a freak accident and it would happen again." 61 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:19,919 As far as we know, it hasn't. 62 00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:21,879 "This is going to happen again. 63 00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:23,360 "It's a ticking time..." 64 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:29,279 I reckon, if a bird did fly in his face, at that speed, 65 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:31,559 he'd have had much more serious damage than that. 66 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:33,560 It was probably pulling up, wasn't it? 67 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:36,639 Whoa! Whoa! 68 00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:38,679 I imagine it was right on the belly. 69 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:41,759 If it was this soft behind of a goose... 70 00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:43,839 Yeah. ..then perhaps that would have... 71 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:46,160 You mean he was pursuing the goose? He was pursuing... 72 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:53,839 "Get off, Fabio! Get off!" 73 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:56,999 And then it just went up a loop, and went right round. 74 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:59,360 How I wish you two had been the detectives on this case. 75 00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:03,040 "I'm coming for you!" 76 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:08,280 "Hey, ladies, watch me get this goose on my nose. Watch this." 77 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:10,880 Voo-voo-voo-voo-voof! 78 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:14,800 "This could happen again." 79 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:23,479 How would you sell a house right next to a nuclear power plant? 80 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:26,599 How do you sell it? How do you sell it? Yeah, how would you sell it? Rightmove? 81 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:28,199 I don't know, I mean, estate agent? 82 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:29,519 Yes, go to the estate agent. 83 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,079 Well, when you take photographs... 84 00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:34,119 Yeah. ..face the other way. Yes. 85 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:35,759 And then try and distract people. 86 00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:37,159 You are exactly right. 87 00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:38,679 Have a look at this. This is 2009. 88 00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:43,079 This was a charming, three-bedroom, Kent cottage that was for sale. 89 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:45,519 The estate agent failed to mention the view 90 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:47,279 if you stood behind the house. 91 00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:49,200 Let's just have a look at the view. There we are. 92 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:53,079 Wow! 93 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:56,799 It's 100 yards from Dungeness Nuclear Power Station - 94 00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:59,439 one of the largest nuclear power stations in Europe - 95 00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:00,959 and they didn't mention it. 96 00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:03,479 When they were asked about it, they said, 97 00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:06,800 "The thing is, anywhere on Dungeness is close to the power station." 98 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:11,879 And if the nuclear power station are out, you have to collect their deliveries as well. 99 00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:13,120 Yes! 100 00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:18,040 "Could you hold on to this glowing box for 12 hours?" 00:05:21,399 Well, we've all done a motorway mooney. 102 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:23,519 We haven't all done a motorway mooney, Holly Walsh. 103 00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:25,999 It's just you. OK, fine. Who's done a motorway mooney? 104 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,679 Have you done a motorway mooney? 105 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:28,799 No. 106 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:31,119 Please say, "No." 107 00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:33,159 You need to back me up here. You must have done one. 108 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:34,919 It was in France. It wasn't here. 109 00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:36,999 Oh, that doesn't count? 110 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:39,439 It's different. An autoroute booty. 111 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:41,279 I thought, "No-one will know it's me." 112 00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:42,919 I was on my own. 113 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:45,039 I wouldn't take my trousers off in front of anyone. 114 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:47,799 You were on your own? Were you driving? 115 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:48,999 How does that work? 116 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:50,399 I'm a very talented driver. 117 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:51,999 I was going to say! 118 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:55,839 Although, I was being taught how to drive a tractor once by a farmer... 119 00:05:55,840 --> 00:05:59,479 Right... and I hadn't realised that the farmer had jumped off. 120 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:01,839 How could you not notice? There's not doors, or anything. 121 00:06:01,840 --> 00:06:04,279 He was stood on the outside and we were talking, 122 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:07,319 and I thought, "He's been quiet for a while." 123 00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:08,959 He'd fallen to his death! 124 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:10,439 We had done gone quite a long way, 125 00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:13,359 and he hadn't yet taught me how to stop it. 126 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:14,759 Oh, my God. What happened? 127 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,919 Well, I had to crash into a barn. 128 00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:19,879 You began this story by saying, "I have many skills." 129 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:24,319 And then the first thing you say is you drove a tractor into a barn. 130 00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:26,999 What comes next in this sequence? 131 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:30,200 That actually looks like Take That just before Robbie left. 132 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:33,879 Very good. 133 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:36,039 Which end are we adding to? We're adding to the right. 134 00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:37,079 What's the next one? 135 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:38,879 Is it vomit? It is vomit, darling. 136 00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:41,599 It's known as BARF. Yeah. 137 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:44,479 It's the Baxter Animated Retching Faces. 138 00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:45,919 Mm. Hm. Ha. Huh. 139 00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:47,199 Arghh! 140 00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:48,639 What it is, it's used for children 141 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:51,599 so, when they've got nausea and they can't explain exactly 142 00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:52,919 how bad they feel... Oh. 143 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:56,159 ..then you use this, usually with a computer screen so the user 144 00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:57,639 can kind of scroll up and down, 145 00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:00,599 and stop at the one that describes how they're feeling. 146 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:03,759 I need to bring that and give it to my friends for nights out. 147 00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:07,839 "I don't... Hi, darling. I'm bo-..." 148 00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:12,239 "Oh, is she going to go?" "Darling, point!" "Ey?" "Point! Point!" 149 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:16,120 "She's about to spew." "Hold my hair, John. Hold..." 150 00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:20,359 "You're all right, darling. You're fine." 151 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:22,199 "You're all right." "I'm so sorry." 152 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:24,119 "It's OK. We still love you." "I'm so sorry..." 153 00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:25,839 "She'll be fine. She'll be fine." 154 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:27,479 "Once I get it out, I can go again." 155 00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:29,319 "Yeah." "It's preventative." 156 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:30,480 "That's why we love you." 157 00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:34,159 "Am I still pretty, John?" 158 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:35,480 "Yeah, you're always pretty." 159 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:39,759 "Wipe that off a bit. There you go." 160 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:41,999 "Best friend I've ever had, John." 161 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,240 "She'll be fine." 162 00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:47,359 This is classic me. 163 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:49,879 It's normally, "Aisling!" 164 00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:51,399 "Yeah-huh?" 165 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:52,439 "Aisling!" 166 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:53,560 "Be out in two minutes." 167 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:58,159 "Just say something so we know you're not dead, love." 168 00:07:58,160 --> 00:07:59,680 "I'm not dead, love." 169 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,999 Bridget knows some farmers, or knew some farmers until they died. 170 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:08,479 You knew Afarmer. The one who fell off the tractor. 171 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:09,959 Was he OK, by the way? 172 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,959 Oh, he was just, like, waving from two fields away. 173 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,719 Did you hurt yourself when he went into the barn? 174 00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:18,279 Or did you come out the other side with a cow on the front? 175 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:21,039 It was the worst three days of my life. 176 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:23,879 You were driving it round for three days?! 177 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:26,639 No... For three days, you couldn't find the brakes? 178 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,359 Going round and round like Father Ted. 179 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:30,919 No, I thought there was more to life than working in an office, 180 00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:33,599 so I thought, "Oh, I'll be a farm hand." 181 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,519 Just drive for three days? 182 00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:38,239 No, that was the job on the second day, 183 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:41,399 but I'd already had to milk cows with my hand. 184 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,639 Did you do the third day for being a farmer? 185 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:45,999 I said, "I'm not cut out for this, I'm really sorry." 186 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,079 So, day one, they make you milk a cow. 187 00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:51,599 Day two, they taught you how to drive, but not stop, a tractor. 188 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:54,279 What was the third one? They were like, "There's a haystack. 189 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:56,439 "Somewhere in it's a needle. Good luck." 190 00:08:56,440 --> 00:09:00,039 I've just remembered the worst thing... There's more? 191 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:03,039 Yeah. When I was milking the cow, they know from your touch 192 00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:04,439 if you're new. 193 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:07,359 You're in, like, a swimming pool that doesn't have water in it. 194 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:10,199 They don't make you swim and milk them at the same time. 195 00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:12,679 It's just so you're on the level with their feet, 196 00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:15,279 and you're here going, "Oh, come on." 197 00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:18,319 And the cow's tail went up, and it pooed all over me, 198 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:21,959 because it was new and it... Why were you behind it? 199 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:23,079 No, I was underneath it. 200 00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:25,079 You should have stood to the side. 201 00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:27,719 No, that's still not the worst... That's STILL not the worst bit? 202 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:31,159 The worst bit is that the farmer made me stand in the courtyard 203 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:33,319 while he hosed me down with a hose. 204 00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:35,479 That's abuse. That's what I thought. 205 00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:37,799 I thought, "Oh, I'm sure I'm sure it's all off now." 206 00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:40,239 Alan. Yeah? 207 00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:42,000 What is your buzzer? 208 00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:47,199 What's red and roughy? 209 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:50,159 Ooh! Ooh, hello! 210 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:52,719 Who's allowed that photograph to be taken of themselves? 211 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:55,359 That's mine. 212 00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:58,759 When I did Strictly Come Dancing, they said, "It's in high definition, 213 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:00,519 "and you wear a leotard." 214 00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:02,359 And I thought, "Got it." 215 00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:04,039 What they were saying was, 216 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:05,640 "Please do something." 217 00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:10,239 Because the first time I got the fitting, I was wearing shorts, 218 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:13,199 and so I had to go, for the very first time, at the age of 43, 219 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,799 for a bikini wax, and it was the most terrifying thing 220 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:18,959 that's ever happened in my entire life. It really was. 221 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:23,000 It was exposing and strange, and afterwards, I was so cold. 222 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,639 To be fair, Susan, if somebody suggested you have a wax 223 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:31,040 if you're wearing shorts... 224 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:37,320 "These are going to get shorter, babe. 225 00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:42,960 "Unless we are transporting tarantulas, I think, er..." 226 00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:46,439 Isn't it one of those things as well, 227 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:49,079 when you've been married for 17 years, and you just kind of 228 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:51,839 stop caring because neither of you is going to find anyone else, 229 00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:54,799 so you just kind of let it all kind of join up? 230 00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:57,399 But it's also knowing what's in vogue 231 00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,759 if you haven't been on the "market" for a while, isn't it? 232 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:03,239 Because, you know, I've been with my partner for 20-plus years, 233 00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:06,600 and back then, it was plaits and beads. 234 00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:10,800 Sort of Willie Nelson, if you will. 235 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:14,999 So, erm, did you...? 236 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:16,720 OK. 237 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:20,839 Did you go...? What's the thing? Bermudan? 238 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:23,639 What's the thing? Bermudan! 239 00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:26,679 A Bermuda triangle, where everything disappears! 240 00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:29,680 Just a ship disappeared up there. 241 00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:33,999 Pilots walking out. 242 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:37,360 World War II pilots... "What year is it?" 243 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:43,359 "The things I seen!" What's it called when you have...? 244 00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:45,679 Brazilian. Brazilian! 245 00:11:45,680 --> 00:11:47,919 Not Bermudan Triangle, Brazilian! 246 00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:50,759 So, the Hollywood's nothing. The Brazilian's the strip. 247 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:54,159 And then there's something where you just go, "Just make me a bit..." 248 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:55,519 The Macclesfield. 249 00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:57,239 "Sod it!" 250 00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:58,880 "Deal with that!" 251 00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:02,399 We... We... Moving along... 252 00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:07,039 Enough! Enough! The question was, "What's red and roughy?" 253 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:10,959 And it has nothing to do with these pants at all. 254 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:14,279 Why are we looking at this picture, then? 255 00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:17,040 It was meant to spark conversation and, weirdly, it did. 256 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:23,959 I've only once played roulette, and in extraordinary circumstance. 257 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,399 It was quite recently. 258 00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:29,039 My wife and I went for our wedding anniversary to Barbados. 259 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:33,639 We were on the beach, sun was setting, wonderful golden sand, 260 00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:37,959 and this little old wizened lady came teetering along the beach 261 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:40,959 towards us. And it wasn't till she got to about here that we realised 262 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,120 it was actually Mick Jagger. 263 00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:57,919 This is a true story. 264 00:12:57,920 --> 00:13:01,679 And it turned out he was a really enthusiastic viewer of Countdown, 265 00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:05,399 so he knew who I was, and I obviously knew who he was, 266 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,279 and my wife was quite excited. 267 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:10,679 So, anyway, we went off for the evening, and we went to a casino 268 00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:14,679 with Mick Jagger, and he very sweetly gave us the chips, 269 00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:17,999 and of course, we lost, but it didn't seem to bother him, 270 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:20,079 which was fantastic. 271 00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:22,199 That's amazing! Lovely. 272 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:26,559 There's this really bad Chris de Burgh song about a death train. 273 00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:28,119 Is there? Yeah. 274 00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:29,199 Go on. 275 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:30,639 # And I said, Lord... # 276 00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:31,919 No, because I did this before 277 00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:33,839 with Joseph And The Technicolour Dreamcoat, 278 00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:35,439 and it ended up all over the internet. 279 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:37,399 No, do it again. 280 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:40,279 # I said, Lord, oh, Lord, don't let him in 281 00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:42,479 # The sun is down and the night is coming in 282 00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:44,079 # That train is dead on time 283 00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:46,119 # Many souls are on the line 284 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:49,359 # Oh, Lord, don't let him win. # 285 00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:51,560 That's not going anywhere. 286 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:01,239 We're going to play a game of Beer Hunter. 287 00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:04,839 OK, so I have four cans. 288 00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:07,519 OK, so... I don't like the look of this. 289 00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:09,039 That's Mark's. 290 00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:10,600 OK. 291 00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:16,439 OK. So here's one for you. Here's one for you. 292 00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:19,359 That's for Phill, and then you have that one. 293 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:20,839 There we go. Thank you. 294 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:24,919 OK, let's have a go at opening them. Sara, you want to go first? 295 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:27,279 Yeah, I'm going to do some tapping first. Do some tapping? 296 00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:29,679 Think that's going to help? Well, this is an Essex trick. 297 00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:31,839 OK. You want me to open mine? Yes, please. 298 00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:33,199 Go. 299 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:37,399 OK. So not that one. Alan? 300 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:40,399 Oh! OK, not that one. Mark? 301 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,680 Well, the more this game goes on, the worst feeling I have about it. 302 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:48,279 No? OK. 303 00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:50,160 Phill? Wow. 304 00:14:57,360 --> 00:14:59,160 Phill? 305 00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:20,360 What could this man do in 28 seconds? 306 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,440 Where's the silly laughter coming from? 307 00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:26,959 Who's sniggering at the back of the class? 308 00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,999 He's Scottish. His name is Robert Liston. 309 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:33,199 19th century. 19th century? He was a surgeon. 310 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,879 He was a surgeon, famed for his speed. 311 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:38,279 He could amputate a leg in 28 seconds. 312 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:40,040 That's too quick. Yeah. 313 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:43,719 I feel like I could do it quicker, actually. 314 00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:44,879 What's that, half a second? 315 00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:46,759 No, but you have to tie all the veins together. 316 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:49,479 Oh, you've got to finish the job? Yeah, you've got to finish it off. 317 00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:52,039 His catchphrase was, "Time me, gentlemen." 318 00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:53,080 So... 319 00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:58,999 In those days, theatres were called that for a reason, 320 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:02,079 because people sold tickets, and there were spectators, 321 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:04,199 so what happened on this one particular occasion, 322 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:07,039 it did not go all that well, one time he accidentally chopped off 323 00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:09,199 a patient's testicles along with his leg. 324 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:10,879 No! Too high up the leg. 325 00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:13,519 I know, right? Too high! 326 00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:15,399 On one occasion, he was doing the amputation, 327 00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:17,479 so you have to imagine he has to be fast, 328 00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:20,239 because there's no anaesthetic. Yeah. He brought the knife down, 329 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:23,559 he managed to sever three of his assistant's fingers. 330 00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:27,679 And as he brought it back up, he slashed the cloak of a spectator. 331 00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:31,279 The patient and the assistant both died later of gangrene. 332 00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:33,879 Their wounds became infected, and the story is that 333 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:37,679 the spectator died of fright because he thought he had been stabbed. 334 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:42,240 It is the only operation on record with a 300% mortality rate. 335 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:46,079 So... Did he lose his licence? 336 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:49,119 No, darling. People queued up to see him, they absolutely did, 337 00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:51,839 because his mortality rate was one in seven, 338 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:54,159 and... One in seven?! Well, the average was one in four. 339 00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:58,119 So, you know. But to the idea that people don't make mistakes now, 340 00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:01,999 let me tell you, in 2019, a hospital in Leicester 341 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:06,479 paid out £20,000 to a man they had circumcised by mistake. 342 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:10,119 He'd gone in for a procedure on his bladder. No! 343 00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:12,599 He said he got distracted chatting to the nurses. 344 00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:13,719 What? Yeah. 345 00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:15,879 So he didn't notice he was having the wrong operation 346 00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:17,479 until it was too late. 347 00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:19,600 He described it as "a real surprise." 348 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:23,679 20 grand, though. 349 00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:25,480 I'd take it. 350 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:31,879 I went to the IMAX to watch Gravity. with Sandra Bullock.Right. 351 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:32,959 Is this a film, darling? 352 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:35,639 Because that just sounds like a really boring thing to do. 353 00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:37,160 It's a film. 354 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:41,239 You and Sandra Bullock watching gravity. 355 00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:42,679 You can't tell me... 356 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:43,840 Wow! 357 00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:46,680 "Sandra! Sandra!" 358 00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:50,440 "Sandra! Oh!" 359 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:54,719 I mean, you wouldn't need to go to the IMAX, surely. 360 00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:56,559 "Sandra! Sandra! 361 00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:58,439 "Look at that!" 362 00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:01,039 I rarely stand up for myself. 363 00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:03,639 You cannot tell me that the star of Miss Congeniality 364 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:06,399 and Miss Congeniality 2: Armed And Fabulous, 365 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:08,279 could not make me interested by doing that. 366 00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:09,599 But it was a film about space. 367 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,479 It was just her. She was in her pants and vest. 368 00:18:11,480 --> 00:18:13,879 That's irrelevant to the story. She was in Gravity. 369 00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:16,559 She was there. I was right up close because I couldn't get seats 370 00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:17,919 because I was late in booking. 371 00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:20,079 It's huge. It's the size of this entire studio. 372 00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:22,399 Why couldn't you get seats? You know Sandra Bullock. 373 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,200 I've not understood this story. 374 00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:28,119 I'm there, I'm sitting, she's right in front of me. 375 00:18:28,120 --> 00:18:32,679 It was so realistic that I vomited on myself in the cinema 376 00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:37,879 because I felt like I was in space with Sandra Bullock, 377 00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:40,239 who's a real person, who was not doing that, 378 00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:42,400 she was trying to escape. 379 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:54,359 Humans would be described as radiators 380 00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:57,799 because 60% of our body heat leaves us through radiation. 381 00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:01,719 So the heat is transferred to blood vessels at the body's surface. 382 00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:03,960 Has she got hot boobs or cold boobs? 383 00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:09,119 I'd say those tits are hot, I would say. 384 00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:10,720 Is she a mermaid? 385 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,679 She's covering her modesty as if... 386 00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:15,839 He's not. 387 00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:18,200 No, he's... He's very happy with himself, isn't he? 388 00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:23,279 Anyway, so we radiate heat all the time, so we are a form of radiator. 389 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:26,639 Toucans radiate even more, and they are astonishing. 390 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:29,039 So they use those big bills, which you would think was 391 00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:32,839 just to attract mates or to identify toucans of the same species. 392 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:36,160 Tell you what, Sandi, my radiators have led to quite big bills. 393 00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:42,920 I like that. I like that. 394 00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:46,719 Very, very good wordplay. 395 00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:49,919 Double meaning, double meaning of bills, you see. 396 00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:52,520 That really should have got a... 397 00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:55,720 Have you ever had TWO CANS of beer? 398 00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:58,880 Oh. 399 00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:02,920 So fickle. 400 00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:07,759 There was a man who said that women at 50 are invisible. 401 00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:09,759 Not to men who are 54. 402 00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:12,759 Certainly in a restaurant, that is true. 403 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:15,960 Have you tried popping one tit out and seeing if they can see you then? 404 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:22,479 Just the one. No need to come across as loose or fast. 405 00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:25,439 At a certain age, Aisling, I don't want to compare boobage, 406 00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:27,439 but they just sort of fall out and drag with you. 407 00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:28,679 You've got to be very careful. 408 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:31,600 Oh, like you could pop it out under your skirt. Yeah, anywhere. 409 00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:35,319 You have to pop it out, and then you have to go, "Oh! 410 00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:36,919 "Oh! Oh! 411 00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:38,720 "Oh, yeah, I'll have soup..." 412 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:44,679 My forebear, Jeremiah Brandreth, was a revolutionary, 413 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:49,799 and the last person to be beheaded in this country for treason. 414 00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:52,559 I think we have a picture, actually, of Jeremiah. 415 00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:56,639 There he is. He was part of the Pendrick... 1817. 416 00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:59,119 He was a revolutionary. He began as a Luddite. 417 00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:01,639 He realised that the Industrial Revolution was going to 418 00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:02,919 make people lose their jobs. 419 00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:05,399 He was determined to overthrow the government of the day. 420 00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:09,799 And, anyway, he led this revolution up in Derbyshire. 421 00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:13,679 He was known as the Nottingham Captain, and was arrested, 422 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:17,799 put on trial, and was not just hanged, but he was then beheaded. 423 00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:19,439 Yes. Because he was a traitor. 424 00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:21,119 Because they wanted to show the head. 425 00:21:21,120 --> 00:21:23,319 I think he was already dead by the time he was beheaded. 426 00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:26,319 Now, we were trying to see the family likeness in this, 427 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:28,599 so we've done a little bit of Photoshopping 428 00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:30,319 just to see how that would look. 429 00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:31,840 So there you are. 430 00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:36,159 Uncanny! Uncanny. 431 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:39,359 I do think, darling, if you were ever beheaded, just as they lifted 432 00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:41,840 the head up, you'd be going, "I've got one more story." 433 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:53,560 "You know, the head can live on for another 15 sec..." 434 00:21:57,840 --> 00:22:02,359 Which is better - symmetrical knees or symmetrical nostrils? 435 00:22:02,360 --> 00:22:04,919 Ooh! I know. Who would've thought there was a choice? 436 00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:06,719 Which is better? Yeah. Which is better? 437 00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:09,079 I'd say knees. Why would you say knees? 438 00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:12,599 To have your face exactly the same on both sides 439 00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:15,439 would actually be really odd, wouldn't it? Yeah. 440 00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:18,039 I thought the height of beauty was having a symmetrical face. 441 00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:21,479 OK, let's have a look at ourselves with symmetrical faces. 442 00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:23,120 Oh, God. Here we are. 443 00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:28,720 This is... 444 00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:34,279 This is the left side of your faces replicated. 445 00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:36,160 It's had more impact than your hairdo. 446 00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:40,640 I look terrifying. I look like a chipmunk. 447 00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:44,199 That's our left sides. Let's have a look at our right sides 448 00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,080 and see if we think that's any better. 449 00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:49,679 That's amazing! 450 00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:51,680 Christ, you're straight out of Star Trek. 451 00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:56,799 "I come in peace." 452 00:22:56,800 --> 00:23:01,160 That is the weirdest thing. Alan, you don't look like yourself at all. 453 00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:05,320 Oh, look, at Alan. I feel really sad for him there. I don't know why. 454 00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:10,399 Does anybody know what the world record is for catching shuttlecocks 455 00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:11,919 with a pair of chopsticks? 456 00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:15,319 I have got a racquet and a shuttlecock. 457 00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:16,639 We're going to give this a go. 458 00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:18,919 OK, who wants to go first? Sure. 459 00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:20,719 You going up? 460 00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:22,999 Oh, almost! 461 00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:25,280 Yeah. Aisling, you want a go? Yeah. Ready? OK. 462 00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:27,639 No. 463 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:29,000 Phill, get ready. 464 00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:31,639 Oh! Alan. 465 00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:34,399 Maybe it's not catching it. You have to stab it a little bit. 466 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:36,879 I don't know what's the easiest thing. If I send it high... 467 00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:38,760 Well, why don't...? Go high, go high. 468 00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:42,439 So this is a thing. 469 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:45,239 Do you know what the world record is? 4,000. 470 00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:47,320 "Exterminate Jelly Babies." 471 00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:54,399 "Darling, don't say that! What a lovely basket you've got." 472 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:58,639 "Argh!" "Mother!" "Argh!" "Mother!" 473 00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:00,840 "Exterminate!" 474 00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:03,880 "Oh, no, it's come back as a woman." 475 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:11,840 Oh, my God. Give a bunch of performers too much sugar... 476 00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:16,359 Oh! 477 00:24:16,360 --> 00:24:17,879 But I didn't hit it to you. 478 00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:20,359 But you didn't say that you HAD to hit it to me. 479 00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:22,599 No, it's the world record for catching a shuttlecock, 480 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:24,439 but I've got to send it to you. 481 00:24:24,440 --> 00:24:25,999 OK, try now. Try now. 482 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:28,519 Now you've got the hang of it, I will... I'm going to stand up. 483 00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:30,600 I'll do a gentler one. You ready? Ready. 484 00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:36,720 Yes! 485 00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:47,319 I did Celebrity Million Pound Drop. 486 00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:50,919 Did you win? Yeah, we won. We won, like, 25 grand. 487 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:52,639 Me and Alex from Last Leg. 488 00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:54,599 The last bundle, isn't it? You what? 489 00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:57,200 25 grand is the last... You lost loads. 490 00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:03,439 You had one bundle of cash left, 491 00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:07,120 and I know this because I did that programme, and I also won 25 grand. 492 00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:15,560 We lost 450 grand on, "What was the first flavour of crisps?" 493 00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:19,679 You've got to go like this with piles of money. 494 00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:21,559 It's all for charity. It's all for charity. 495 00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:23,720 It wasn't once you'd finished. 496 00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:28,599 My favourite way to open a champagne bottle is with... 497 00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:30,559 A sword. ..a sword. Indeed. 498 00:25:30,560 --> 00:25:32,599 Oh, my gosh. Ho-ho! 499 00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:37,399 So I would like to introduce you to someone who can do just that. 500 00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:39,480 Please welcome Julian the Magnificent. 501 00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:45,240 Oh! Oh, my gosh! 502 00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:51,719 Julian, am I right? You are a member of La Confrerie du Sabre d'Or. 503 00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:53,679 Is that right? I am. Have I said it correctly? 504 00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:56,079 You have indeed, and I'm the ambassador emeritus. 505 00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:57,679 Isn't that fantastic? 506 00:25:57,680 --> 00:25:59,279 Oh, ambassador, you are spoiling us. 507 00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:01,559 How did you come to be able to do this? 508 00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:04,319 Well, I get a thirst around about 11.00 every morning. 509 00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:05,720 Yes. Absolutely. 510 00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:09,879 So I take out a bottle of champagne and one of my sabres, 511 00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:13,359 and I remove the top, and Bob's your uncle. 512 00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:15,159 Now, here's the thing. 513 00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:18,999 I was told that, for health and safety reasons, 514 00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:20,639 we cannot actually do this. 515 00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:22,519 Oh, come on! 516 00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:25,959 However, if you all agree, should we just do it? 517 00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:27,120 Yeah! 518 00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:36,199 "Do you remember we were there the night at the studio 519 00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:37,920 "when Sandi Toksvig lost her hand?" 520 00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:43,079 Can I just be really clear? You're not going to extract the cork, 521 00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:44,399 you're actually going to... 522 00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:46,959 I shall remove the glass annulus and the cork together. 523 00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:49,359 Oh, my God! OK. Are you OK to stand this close? 524 00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:52,079 No problem at all, because I'm going to be shooting it over there. 525 00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:53,520 OK! All right. 526 00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:57,479 That is a gentleman! That is a gentleman! 527 00:26:57,480 --> 00:26:59,799 We've all heard that before. A gentleman warns you. 528 00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:01,760 "You'll be fine, I'll shoot over there." 529 00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:04,520 Do not try this at home. 530 00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:08,320 You go ahead. Yeah. Off we go. 531 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:13,880 So magnificent, Julian! 532 00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:18,919 Look at that! Fair play, I mean... 533 00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:21,479 Don't touch the top, because it's sharp, obviously... 534 00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:23,119 But you could drink that? 535 00:27:23,120 --> 00:27:26,039 You could drink that perfectly, because no glass will go inside. 536 00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:27,879 As you quite rightly said earlier, 537 00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:30,319 the pressure is about five times, actually. 538 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:33,039 OK. And it will just shoot any glass away. 539 00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:34,759 Can I learn how to do it? You can indeed. 540 00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:36,079 OK. Sandi! 541 00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:37,759 It takes three seconds. Let's do it. 542 00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:39,200 Three seconds?! 543 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:48,119 "Do you remember you were there the night Alan Davies lost his hand?" 544 00:27:48,120 --> 00:27:50,359 You're right-handed, Sandi? I'm right-handed, yes. 545 00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:52,119 Take your left hand... My left hand, yes. 546 00:27:52,120 --> 00:27:54,960 ..with your thumb up the punt. "Thumb up the punt"? Punt, yes. 547 00:27:56,880 --> 00:27:58,319 Not the first time. 548 00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:00,880 There you are.OK. "Champagne?" Oh, it's quite heavy. 549 00:28:02,160 --> 00:28:06,159 Right, now the art of sabrage - you never take the blade off the glass. 550 00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:07,479 No. It's a shaving motion. 551 00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:10,719 You go straight up there, and follow through. Don't stop.Right. 552 00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:13,559 Take the glass annulus and the cork with it. With the sword in this...? 553 00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:15,239 But never take the blade off the glass. 554 00:28:15,240 --> 00:28:16,959 OK. The straighter you get it, the more... 555 00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:19,559 Can you hold the bottle as well? I'll do that for you. Why not? OK. 556 00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:20,759 Off you go. It's terrifying. 557 00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:22,080 Oh, my God! 558 00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:30,400 That was amazing! 559 00:28:30,424 --> 00:28:32,424 http://Scene-RLS.net