CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
*Q I* Season 18 Episode 18
Episode Title: "VG: Part 2 (Series R)" Aired on: February 04, 2021
Good evening and welcome to QI,
for a selection of some of my favourite bits from the R series.
What's the least sportsmanlike thing you can do on a rugby pitch?
What they used to do at school was put Deep Heat in the jockstraps.
LAUGHTER AND GROANING
Is Deep Heat a euphemism?
No.
Oh. It's a product... It's a product.
..that will warm up your genitals to a terrific degree during a scrum.
LAUGHTER
I don't understand this picture,
because I don't know anything about rugby.
They're not playing rugby there.
Oh, I see, OK. LAUGHTER
Tripping? You're not allowed to trip people up.
You're not allowed to trip people, but this is a truly terrible thing
and I think it doesn't reflect well, frankly, on England.
It was 1889, New Zealand's ruby team,
they were fairly newly formed, they came over to
play against England in a place called Blackheath.
And during the game, one of the English players,
a man called Andrew Stoddart,
he was tackled and his shorts accidentally ripped off.
So, very nicely, the Kiwi players surrounded Stoddart to
allow him to get back his modesty. Nice.
While this was happening, another English player,
a man called Frank Evershed, picked up the ball and scored a try.
I know, Lou, right? That's not on.
Scored a try unopposed, which was allowed by the referee,
a man called Rowland Hill, who also happened to be
the Secretary... Oh, come on!
..of the English Rugby Football Union.
Three of the Kiwi players went off in protest, they were so furious.
England won the game 7-0, and the Kiwis were later forced
to apologise for their players leaving the field.
Wow! It's not a good story, is it? No.
No. No. But I have a worse one.
So almost 100 years later, so we're talking about 1986,
the All Blacks, they endured a crotch-related incident.
So there was a guy called Wayne Shelford, he went on to be captain.
In one of the first games he ended up at the bottom of the ruck.
He lost four teeth and a French boot ripped open his scrotum...
AUDIENCE GROANS
Very low groan there.
..and left a testicle hanging out.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS GROAN
It was sewn together on the sidelines.
LAUGHTER
He played on until way into the second half,
when he was knocked unconscious.
He says he has no memory of the game.
LAUGHTER
What was the question?
LAUGHTER
Let's play What's That Sign?
BLUEGRASS MUSIC PLAYS What's That Sign?
OK, have a look at this first sign, and can you tell me what it is for?
Wobbly trucks? Wobbly trucks, OK.
Is it toasters in use?
LAUGHTER
So they did a survey, by Kwik Fit,
they surveyed 45,000 drivers.
26% could not identify this sign.
100% of you on the panel.
Anybody in the audience?
Put your hand up if you think you know what this is.
Yes, darling, with the beard?
Adverse camber?
It is adverse camber.
Wow. Wow!
Wow, I bet YOU'RE fun.
LAUGHTER
"Ah, yes, that'll be adverse camber, yeah, that will be."
That's his safe word.
LAUGHTER
HE WAILS: Adverse camber!
LAUGHTER
It does sound like a town in Dorset, doesn't it?
"Oh, she's living in Adverse Camber at the moment."
Try this one. What does this one mean, anybody?
No waiting.
Does it mean no waiting, sir?
No.
No, what's it mean?
Is that the Swedish flag?
No, the Swedish flag is blue and yellow!
LAUGHTER
I don't want to be shamed for just guessing, Sandi.
LAUGHTER
Does anybody in the audience? Does literally nobody know what this is?
Yes, the gentleman in the red shirt.
Clearway. It IS a clearway, absolutely right.
Same thing, same thing!
Well, it means no... You can't even stop and pick up.
That's what he said! Yes, yes, yes, yes! No stopping.
No, you said no waiting.
Yes! He said no stopping.
LAUGHTER
No, but you can't wait, you can't even stop!
No, you can't! LAUGHTER
I'm going to give you an extra point
so that you don't have a seizure. LAUGHTER
You know, Alan's the first person to get road rage sitting in a studio.
In the survey, 33% of people could not identify this sign.
It is indeed a clearway. And the final one,
let's have a look at this. Anybody know what this is? Yes?
Is that one, don't take A FENCE?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Don't take a fence from the top of a barber's shop.
That is what it looks like.
Anybody know what it identifies?
Is it to do with a level crossing?
It is to do with a level crossing. What do the bars below it mean?
I'm just trying to lip-read the man in the audience
who knows everything.
His wife's having the best afternoon of her life.
It must be nice to be out of the house. Is it? Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Hands up anybody who knows what this one means.
I bet you whoever knows the next answer will have a white beard.
No stopping on the level crossing? No stopping on the level crossing.
No, is not what it is. You need a sign for that?! Yes.
LAUGHTER
"We'll leave it here, shall we? This seems like...
"Quite lucky to be parked so close to the station, actually."
LAUGHTER
ALAN IMITATES TRAIN HORN
"No waiting!"
Boof!
LAUGHTER
Baby hyraxes have to eat their parents' poo.
Which is, in the long...?
They don't have to, come on. Yes, they do have to, darling.
They don't have the necessary bacteria to digest plant stuffs,
so, a bit like baby koalas,
the solution is to eat the mother's faeces.
There's got to be another solution.
"Get it while it's hot."
LAUGHTER
"Tuck in, kids!"
"Eat that before it goes cold!"
LAUGHTER
So, a hyrax is about this big. Yeah, it's about that big.
And its poo is this big. That big.
What would you guess their closest relative to be?
Meerkat.
Yeah, you would think that, but it's not a meerkat.
Well, it's not their parents, if they're making them do that. Yeah.
That's upset you, hasn't it? Yeah. It's just not on. No.
You'd think they could just have a yoghurt or something. Yeah.
Yeah, something with friendly bacteria. That's fine.
Yeah. Yeah, that would be much more civilised.
The nearest relative to a hyrax. Pick an animal.
Is it a dog? Mouse, rat, cat, dog. Huge. Raccoon.
Huge. Elephant. Huge? Elephant. Elephant. Tiger. An elephant?
No, an elephant?! Elephant, yeah.
Elephants and sea cows, or manatees.
They share a fairly recent common ancestor.
This is going to come up in a couple of years' time.
"When science got it wrong." LAUGHTER
"Can you believe we ever thought these three things were related?"
One geneticist, one wrong decimal place.
A rogue geneticist. One drunk geneticist.
"OK, I'll have that one, that one and that one, yeah!"
That seems right, yeah, that's it.
Can I just say that I think the Elves were a little bit drunk,
Cos I said, "What was the common ancestor?"
And they did a picture for me? Just have a look at this.
This is their view of what the common ancestor looked like.
LAUGHTER
But you're very musical anyway, aren't you, darling? You've been
a choreographer in your time? I was a Bollywood
dance choreographer, yeah. For a...
How cool is that? Oh, my goodness.
Go on, give us a couple of moves.
Yeah. Go on.
This one.
CHEERING
Well, OK. Fine, fine, fine. I'll just say, my husband
is obsessed with Bollywood dancing, he loves it.
But if you could teach me a couple of signature moves to teach him,
he would be thrilled.
OK, I'll teach everyone, then. OK, yeah. Something simple.
OK. Now the common misconception of kind of any kind of Asian or
Indian dance moves is the light bulb and pat the dog.
I can do that. Which, you can, but that's also racist. So...
LAUGHTER
Right, I won't do that, then.
Light bulb, pat the dog, I won't do that, then. No.
Well, I'll teach you. Do we have to get up? No, no, no. You can do it sitting down. OK.
Because the beauty of Bollywood is a lot of the dancing is in the face. Ah, OK.
If any of you have ever looked for a remote under a sofa -
have you ever had to do that? Yes, yes.
Yeah, so you kind of go like that.
Yes. And you don't find it.
Yeah.
And then do the other hand.
And do it together.
I like it.
Oh!
What's this? And the middle finger to your thumb.
Kill the wasp, kill the wasp.
Kill the wasp and then throw the wasp away.
Aah. Kill the wasp, throw the wasp away.
Right, so let's do it together. Oh, right. OK, ready?
Everybody, together, ready? We've got to be a team.
Everybody? Right hand first. OK. In, can't find it.
Found a wasp, threw it. Found a wasp, threw it.
There you go.
Brilliant.
APPLAUSE
And you made a living doing that? Yeah!
LAUGHTER
This is one of my least-favourite things that I have ever seen.
It is the most dubious rotating invention.
It's called an apparatus for facilitating
the birth of a child by centrifugal force.
Oh, Christ!
I know.
Do you have a cordon of slip fielders?
LAUGHTER Yes, well.
There was a net.
You want Ben Stokes in there somewhere. Yes, you do!
So you'd strap the woman to it and she, the idea is...
She doesn't look keen, the girl. No!
No, so the idea is to spin her around at high speed,
and the baby is propelled out and caught in a small net.
LAUGHTER
If you would like to shorten your life,
the best place to go is the Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas.
You can eat for free if you weigh over 350lb or 25st.
So, just for you, that's about three quarters of the weight
of a blue whale's heart. That's quite a lot.
And you are verified by being weighed at a cattle-weighing station
and then you are led to your table
if you are more than 350lb, by your personal nurse.
It's a waiter. Wow.
And their signature Quadruple Bypass Burger is just a shade under
10,000 calories.
It's made - there it is - it's made of four half-pound beef patties,
20 strips of bacon, 8 slices of American cheese,
I say cheese, it's American cheese.
A whole tomato, half an onion, served in a bun coated with lard.
LAUGHTER
If you finish... Well, at least the presentation's gorgeous. I know.
If you finish it,
your nurse will deliver you to your car in a wheelchair.
And then do we know anything about faecal matter?
LAUGHTER
I imagine you'd be bound up for quite a while
after all that protein. If you don't finish it,
she will spank you in front of the other diners.
Really? Are you sure this is a real restaurant and not
a dream you've had? It is a real restaurant. It is a real restaurant.
In 2013, the unofficial spokesman for the restaurant,
he was 52, died of a heart attack.
Three other people have died on site...
What? ..in the restaurant.
The clue is in the fact that the dish has bypass in the name.
Yes, I think that... Yeah.
They do have a vegan option.
LAUGHTER
It's a vegan! Ah, no.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Right, I thought we might start with a little bit of soup to begin.
So you've each got a bowl here of beetroot soup.
So what I want you do is I want you to demonstrate, please, how
to eat this bowl of beetroot soup without getting your ruff all red.
Oh, that seems to be very wise.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yeah.
Oh!
Zoe, I think you've definitely nailed it.
I think that is the answer. Whoa!
I bought one of those La-Z-Boy sofas.
Yeah. And I can eat... Anything? ..completely horizontal.
OK, well, they didn't have those sofas in Elizabethan times.
What they did have, in fact, was a spoon specifically for eating...
Are you just going to drink the whole...? Do you like beetroot soup?
It's very healthy. Hmm. I love all soup.
Yeah, but be careful with beetroot,
cos in the morning you'll think you need a colonoscopy. Oh, yes.
LAUGHTER
A terrible thing. See if that's any easier.
Thank you. This is a ruff spoon.
So ruffs were...
Do you like this? It's rather lovely, isn't it? Hmm.
There's more wobble with a longer spoon.
Oh, do you not like the longer spoon, then?
I find it more difficult.
And what about if you fed each other? Would that be easier?
Oh, yes!
LAUGHTER
I don't know if that would be easier.
This is like... Oh! I think that's rather beautiful.
APPLAUSE
Yeah, I think that's rather lovely.
It's like Lady And The Tramp. Oh.
No! It's gone all down Susan's ruff.
Oh, Susan, I'm sorry. Tom!
But the sight of you slurping that was
so disgusting that I kind of dropped the spoon.
LAUGHTER
The strongest beer ever made, according to
the Guinness World Records, was a beer called The End Of History.
It was made by the Scottish company BrewDog.
It was 55% alcohol.
So if you think vodka mostly is 40%.
What the hell?! When you've had a pint of that,
this is what you see. Yeah, this is what you see!
They sent ten... This is like some of my lockdown dreams.
They sent ten of their investors a bottle of this particular
beer mounted inside a taxidermy roadkill squirrel.
It's not drunk as a beer, though, is it?
It's drunk in a shot glass.
It says it should be drunk in small servings, that is entirely correct.
I bet this is in the inside locker of every RSPCA warden.
LAUGHTER
"Yeah, that's right, yeah.
"You care for them on the outside, inside, yeah, go on!
"Turn them into a bottle, that's what I say! Bloody vermin!
"You're bloody vermin, that's what you are!
"That's the best you can hope for, you miserable little git!"
LAUGHTER
"Turn them into an object, that's what I say!"
APPLAUSE
What happens when you have a bump on your head
and you wake up with foreign language syndrome?
"Que?"
You don't speak in a foreign language,
you speak in a foreign accent. Clever. Is correct. Clever.
That's exactly right, exactly right.
Ooh.
You could just feel the trap door opening and closing. Yeah.
Cos if you could speak another language, then all I'd have done
at school is just bashed my head off the desk and gone, "Oh, bonjour."
"Ca va?" "Oui, ca va bien, merci."
No, it's just you speak in the accent. Yeah.
Why do you do that face when you're French? I don't know.
I was imagining smoking a Gauloises cigarette as well.
That was very odd. Ca va bien.
Good.
Thank you. Merci beaucoup.
Boof!
It's just so weird how you turn into a cartoon. I do, yeah.
But you're absolutely right, they simply have an impairment, a speech
impairment, and the notion that they speak a foreign language is, it's
in the ear of the listener, rather than in the mouth of the speaker.
Sufferers have included George Michael.
I don't know if you remember this, in 2012 he had pneumonia
and he was briefly in a coma and he woke up with what sounded like...
IN ITALIAN ACCENT: You've gotta have faith-a.
LAUGHTER
IN ITALIAN ACCENT: You've gotta rock ya body.
No, he had a West Country accent.
Oh! He had a West Country accent.
BOTH, IN WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: You've gotta have faith. Faith,
you gotta have faith. He had a careless whisper, he did. Yeah!
LAUGHTER
When I hear about planets with more than one moon, I'm quite envious.
Like Jupiter's got several moons, hasn't it?
Well over 60, and we're finding more. Well over 60? Oh, yeah. Oh!
The outer planets tend to, sort of, be,
they're bigger and there's, sort of, more gravity and stuff like that.
But, you see, our moon is the best moon. Why?
Well, compared with Earth, our moon is very big.
And so it helps protect us, so asteroids, meteorites,
things like that, the moon will take some of those knocks -
you can see it on the craters.
So the moon takes some of the knocks for us. Like a bouncer?
Yeah, that's it! "Oi, step away. Yeah, I'll take that. Move away."
If the Earth and the moon perhaps were formed at a similar time
and the Earth is in the Goldilocks zone with the water
and the environment and the atmosphere... Yes.
..and so is the moon, but the moon - nothing. No.
A really harsh environment. But the moon's so much smaller.
If you took the surface area of the moon,
it's about slightly smaller than the surface area of Asia.
So it's quite small in comparison.
And also, being small, it's got lots less gravity, and so, yeah,
if it did ever have an atmosphere, it's long gone.
So it's the size and the lack of gravity that stops it forming
an atmosphere? Yeah.
Also, as a result, it means the sun's rays blast it really hard.
And so, for instance,
the temperature on the moon goes from minus 150 to plus 150.
Oh, I had a boiler like that once.
At the moment, this feels like the morning of a science exam,
and Maggie is the only child who's done any revision.
LAUGHTER
I saw a brilliant sign once, and it was in China
and it was in English on a remote island off Hong Kong.
And it was the most brilliant sort of existential sign.
Basically it said, it was one of those signs where it's a map
and it's supposed to show you where you are, and there's like an arrow.
Yeah.
But it had been weathered so much that all the information was gone.
So it just said, "You are here."
But it didn't show... There was no map, it was just...
So there was nothing else? Yeah.
It was like, "You are..." "Yes, I am here, I exist!"
Come on! Come on!
Where does this man keep his radio transmitter?
Oh.
Where's his penis? Well, that...
Who leaves the house without their penis?
Weirdly, that is part of the answer.
Oh. Oh.
All of us that have penises...
Careful. ..keep our radio transmitters in them?
You could.
Really?! What?! Where?
You could, yes. OK.
I picked up Classic FM earlier.
LAUGHTER
Who were you shagging?
LAUGHTER
So during the Cold War, the CIA developed a radio, obviously
just for the boys, it was a secret radio hidden in a fake scrotum.
I know. GROANING
Oh, my God!
All right, that is an overreaction to the scrotum! No, it's not, Alan.
Do you know what's offensive about that?
I had to pose for eight hours for that.
LAUGHTER
And they air-brushed you out. Oh, my God!
They air-brushed me out! They said it'd be tastefully done.
Because you're the only comedian with a detachable scrotum,
that's why you got that.
It was for pilots who might be captured and searched, for example.
Obviously our Action Man could not, I don't know, couldn't pull
this off, I was going to say, but I don't know what the expression is.
Anyway, I am told spies could slip it over an existing scrotum.
Oh, so it would go over the normal scrotum? Yes.
And then guards would probably...
I really don't think you could slip anything over your scrotum.
Apparently, you had to put it on one testicle at a time.
I'm just telling you.
What, and then staple it?
LAUGHTER
I think it would just...
Suction?!
So it's rubberised like a swimming hat?
LAUGHTER
I think it... Yeah. I think... Well, I think you put...
If it's suction, it's not the getting it on I'm worried about,
it's the getting it off. Yeah.
Is that a one-size-fits-all?
I've run out of information.
LAUGHTER
This kind of thing of eating locusts and bugs and things like that,
about finding alternative sources of protein, and all that.
I've tried locust, that is not pleasant.
I had a locust bhaji,
and it was one of the worst things I've had in my life.
Oh. What's a bhaji?
Well, it's like an onion pakora thing, so it's an Indian dish.
Oh. Oh, did you mean bhaji? A bhaji. Oh, I...
Oh, sorry.
LAUGHTER
I honestly... Everyone... I honestly thought you said budgie.
I thought she said badgie, I was thinking, like, a badger,
but you wouldn't call a badger a barger, would you? No.
"I ran over a barger the other day.
"It was delicious."
Because of the unique way the BBC is funded,
you hear all sorts of voices on the BBC,
one of which was corrected on her pronunciation of bhaji.
Let me say it again.
SHE EXAGGERATES PRONUNCIATION: I had a locust bhaji.
LAUGHTER
Was that better, was that more...? I just misunderstood, forgive me.
Was that more understandable to your ears? My mistake, not yours.
I had a locust bhaji. I'll do it the whole show like this now.
He hasn't understood a word I've said.
I had a locust bhaji the other day, and it was really delicious.
The thing is, darling, you don't need to do that,
because when we put this show out, we'll use subtitles.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Right, it's time for another socially distanced record attempt,
specially created for us by Guinness World Records,
and we are going to do the most Christmas crackers pulled
by an individual in 30 seconds.
OK? The number to beat is 20.
Craig is here to judge again.
Alan and Justin, you're going to be taking this one on.
So there's an important condition, isn't there, Craig, that we
have to be able to hear the bang of each cracker, is that right?
Yeah, each cracker has to crack, so we'll count them
backstage to make sure each of the papers has exploded.
Has actually gone. Yeah.
OK. So you may put your crackers out on your table in front of you.
That's my boy.
Because all the gifts might fly out, I'm just going to put on...
You're going to wear goggles, good idea.
Because, honestly, a pack of playing cards.
OK, I've got my safety glasses. Come on, Alan!
Right, hand over to Craig.
OK, so start with your hands behind your back, please.
So, this one, you have to stop when the music does, OK? OK.
Craig? OK. You have 30 seconds in three, two, one,
go.
COUNTDOWN CLOCK MUSIC
One, two, three.
Go! Go! Go!
Oh, nice technique.
CRACKERS BANG
13, 14, 15, 16.
You've got this, Justin!
# Hallelujah! Hallelujah! #
HOOTER
Stop!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I feel alive! I feel giddy!
But look at that! The smell of gunpowder!
Look at that! That could have had my eye out that.
LAUGHTER Pair of nail clippers.
Environmentally, this is a disaster as well. Yeah.
It smells incredible.
"What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating?"
He pulled a cracker. He pulled a cracker!
CHEERING
Are you doing the citizenship test?
Yes, it's...
It's very complicated. It's very complicated.
No English person can pass it. No.
It is absurd. It's not possible.
I secretly wrote out all the questions from the citizenship
test, and I made it into 100 questions,
and I presented it as a family quiz at Christmas.
LAUGHTER
And people were going, "This is so hard."
"Why? Oh, I don't know. Who knows about this stuff?"
And no-one passed, no-one got close.
So, no-one.
I said, "None of you, none of you, all of you, out!"
You know.
Also, it's weird that they think, like, facts
about the Magna Carta will make me a better British citizen. Yes.
It's very odd.
But what do you think SHOULD be on the citizenship test?
Should the cream or the jam go on the scone first?
Yes, exactly. That's the kind of thing.
Milk in first, then teabag. Yeah, yeah.
Only in a mug, though, only in a mug for tea.
Yeah, you know. And then something about Wat Tyler.
What is the correct British response
to a nuclear conflagration? "Mustn't grumble." Yeah.
That kind of thing. What do you say when you've been
to somewhere amazing? "Not too bad." Yeah.
That's what you say. That's the sort of stuff.
"How was the Lake District?" "Not too bad." Yeah.
"Could have been a lot worse."
But you should be able to name all the fielding positions in cricket.
Yeah. That's true, yes.
Whose genitals are seven feet longer than they used to be?
Don't know where they found that picture.
LAUGHTER
Are we talking specifically male genitals?
We are, darling. OK. We are talking about a penis that's seven foot
longer than it used to be. A man in the back row put his hand up.
Did you put your hand up, darling?
Do you know what it is? No, I just wanted to brag.
LAUGHTER
Oh, my God! Put your phone number on there!
You do not have a seven-foot-long willy.
That's amazing!
It's no wonder we had to sit you at the back.
LAUGHTER
Is that your girlfriend you've sat beside? Yeah.
His girlfriend's six rows in front.
LAUGHTER
Is it to do with, like, a medical condition?
No, it is to do with a piece of art.
It is carved into a hillside.
Oh, oh, it's the Rude Man of Cerne.
It is, the Cerne Abbas Giant, or the Old Man of Cerne.
It is indeed known as the Rude Man of Cerne. Oh!
So he's a 200-foot-tall chalk carving in Dorset.
Look at that! Oh, yeah. Have you ever seen this?
Yes, I have. Have you seen this? I have, I have. Has a notably large,
well, he's well-endowed, let's just put it that way.
But he wasn't always this well-endowed.
So, initially, his proud member was just 16-foot long.
Now, you would think that's quite big, but however,
if you think about scale.
So if you imagine a six-foot man has a six-inch penis,
he's 200 foot, you would imagine him to have
a 200-inch penis, which is about 16-foot long.
Right. But some time around 1908, for reasons we don't know why,
they merged his penis with his belly button and gave him
an extra seven foot.
LAUGHTER
You know what's weird, when I look at that,
I see a shy little girl with pigtails licking a lollipop.
LAUGHTER
Can no-one else see that?
A little bun on her head.
LAUGHTER
Like there's the...
Yeah, now you say that.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Like, here she is... Yeah.
..having a lovely time, going, "I love my lollipop." Yeah.
And those little eyes. She's like, "Om, om, om."
Then she's got, like, Pippi Longstocking hair. Yeah. And then
she's just got a little bun on her head. Yeah. There you have it.
Maybe we've misinterpreted this for years.
LAUGHTER
There are lots of creatures with prehensile tails.
There's seahorses and anteaters, harvest mice,
the tree pangolin.
And there are also creatures with extraordinary things.
So creatures with prehensile lips, rhinos have that.
Harvest mice have the prehensile tail.
Cats have prehensile claws, so they can grab and grasp things.
The giraffe, if you have a look,
has got a prehensile tongue. Oh, yes. Yes.
The most extraordinary, and I'm not
going to look at Ed as I say this,
tapirs have prehensile penises.
Yes, I knew someone was going to have one.
Me too.
There's no way...
No way, with all the evolution that's gone on,
someone was going to get one.
As soon as we finish here, I'm going to swing home.
What do they do with it? Why did that make them survive?
They stay...
So much better when you're watching the telly
and you can't reach the snacks.
LAUGHTER
Before the remote was invented.
It keeps them coupled.
Put the nachos a bit nearer. Oh, I see.
It keeps them coupled. Yeah. Yeah.
Like barbs on foxes.
Yes, or the pig, which has a corkscrew penis.
Oh, yes. I know.
Yeah, you have to get one pig and then spin the other pig into it.
Yes! I think even worse than that, well, for me anyway,
the leaf beetle larvae, they have prehensile anuses, OK?
It's like a sort of anal turret, and what they can do is
they can build shields out of poo on their backs.
And they place each piece of poo on their backs and it becomes
this sort of growing structure and they can even move it slightly.
And it's like...
I'm just pleased for them that they don't know that's weird. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
If they had any sort of consciousness that they were
shitting on their own backs, that nobody else was doing that. Yeah.
Ignorance. I've got an anal turret!
Why? I could have had a prehensile cock!
I could have had massive bollocks like Ed Gamble.
We have a news flash, everybody.
I have the results of the Christmas cracker pulling.
ALL: Ooh.
I'm actually quite excited. OK. I am.
I can tell you that Justin got 30,
with 4 that didn't crack.
Alan got 35 with 7 that didn't crack,
which makes Alan the new world-record holder!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE