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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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*Q I*
Season 18 Episode 18
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00:00:29,136 --> 00:00:31,136
Episode Title: "VG: Part 2 (Series R)"
Aired on: February 04, 2021
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Good evening and welcome to QI,
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for a selection of some of my
favourite bits from the R series.
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What's the least sportsmanlike thing
you can do on a rugby pitch?
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What they used to do at school was
put Deep Heat in the jockstraps.
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LAUGHTER AND GROANING
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Is Deep Heat a euphemism?
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No.
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Oh. It's a product...
It's a product.
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..that will warm up your genitals
to a terrific degree during a scrum.
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LAUGHTER
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I don't understand this picture,
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because I don't know
anything about rugby.
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They're not playing rugby there.
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Oh, I see, OK.
LAUGHTER
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Tripping? You're not allowed
to trip people up.
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You're not allowed to trip people,
but this is a truly terrible thing
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and I think it doesn't reflect well,
frankly, on England.
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It was 1889,
New Zealand's ruby team,
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they were fairly newly formed,
they came over to
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play against England
in a place called Blackheath.
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And during the game,
one of the English players,
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a man called Andrew Stoddart,
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he was tackled and his shorts
accidentally ripped off.
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So, very nicely, the Kiwi players
surrounded Stoddart to
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allow him to get back his modesty.
Nice.
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While this was happening,
another English player,
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a man called Frank Evershed,
picked up the ball and scored a try.
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I know, Lou, right? That's not on.
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Scored a try unopposed,
which was allowed by the referee,
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a man called Rowland Hill,
who also happened to be
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the Secretary... Oh, come on!
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..of the English Rugby Football
Union.
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Three of the Kiwi players went off
in protest, they were so furious.
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England won the game 7-0,
and the Kiwis were later forced
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to apologise for their players
leaving the field.
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Wow! It's not a good story, is it?
No.
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No. No. But I have a worse one.
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So almost 100 years later,
so we're talking about 1986,
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the All Blacks, they endured
a crotch-related incident.
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So there was a guy called Wayne
Shelford, he went on to be captain.
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In one of the first games he ended
up at the bottom of the ruck.
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He lost four teeth and a French boot
ripped open his scrotum...
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AUDIENCE GROANS
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Very low groan there.
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..and left a testicle hanging out.
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AUDIENCE MEMBERS GROAN
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It was sewn together
on the sidelines.
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LAUGHTER
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He played on
until way into the second half,
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when he was knocked unconscious.
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He says he has no memory
of the game.
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LAUGHTER
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What was the question?
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LAUGHTER
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Let's play What's That Sign?
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BLUEGRASS MUSIC PLAYS
What's That Sign?
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OK, have a look at this first sign,
and can you tell me what it is for?
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Wobbly trucks? Wobbly trucks, OK.
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Is it toasters in use?
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LAUGHTER
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So they did a survey, by Kwik Fit,
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they surveyed 45,000 drivers.
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26% could not identify this sign.
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100% of you on the panel.
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Anybody in the audience?
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Put your hand up if you think
you know what this is.
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Yes, darling, with the beard?
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Adverse camber?
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It is adverse camber.
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Wow. Wow!
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Wow, I bet YOU'RE fun.
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LAUGHTER
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"Ah, yes, that'll be adverse camber,
yeah, that will be."
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That's his safe word.
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LAUGHTER
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HE WAILS: Adverse camber!
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LAUGHTER
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It does sound like a town in Dorset,
doesn't it?
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"Oh, she's living in Adverse Camber
at the moment."
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Try this one.
What does this one mean, anybody?
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No waiting.
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Does it mean no waiting, sir?
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No.
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No, what's it mean?
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Is that the Swedish flag?
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No, the Swedish flag
is blue and yellow!
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LAUGHTER
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I don't want to be shamed
for just guessing, Sandi.
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LAUGHTER
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Does anybody in the audience? Does
literally nobody know what this is?
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Yes, the gentleman in the red shirt.
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Clearway.
It IS a clearway, absolutely right.
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Same thing, same thing!
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Well, it means no...
You can't even stop and pick up.
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That's what he said!
Yes, yes, yes, yes! No stopping.
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No, you said no waiting.
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Yes! He said no stopping.
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LAUGHTER
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No, but you can't wait,
you can't even stop!
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No, you can't!
LAUGHTER
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I'm going to give you an extra point
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so that you don't have a seizure.
LAUGHTER
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You know, Alan's the first person to
get road rage sitting in a studio.
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In the survey, 33% of people
could not identify this sign.
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It is indeed a clearway.
And the final one,
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let's have a look at this.
Anybody know what this is? Yes?
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Is that one, don't take A FENCE?
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
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Don't take a fence
from the top of a barber's shop.
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That is what it looks like.
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Anybody know what it identifies?
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Is it to do with a level crossing?
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It is to do with a level crossing.
What do the bars below it mean?
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I'm just trying to lip-read
the man in the audience
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who knows everything.
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His wife's having the best
afternoon of her life.
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It must be nice to be
out of the house. Is it? Yeah.
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LAUGHTER
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Hands up anybody who knows
what this one means.
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I bet you whoever knows the next
answer will have a white beard.
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No stopping on the level crossing?
No stopping on the level crossing.
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No, is not what it is.
You need a sign for that?! Yes.
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LAUGHTER
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"We'll leave it here, shall we?
This seems like...
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"Quite lucky to be parked
so close to the station, actually."
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LAUGHTER
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ALAN IMITATES TRAIN HORN
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"No waiting!"
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Boof!
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LAUGHTER
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Baby hyraxes have to eat
their parents' poo.
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Which is, in the long...?
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They don't have to, come on.
Yes, they do have to, darling.
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They don't have the necessary
bacteria to digest plant stuffs,
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so, a bit like baby koalas,
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the solution is
to eat the mother's faeces.
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There's got to be another solution.
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"Get it while it's hot."
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LAUGHTER
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"Tuck in, kids!"
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"Eat that before it goes cold!"
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LAUGHTER
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So, a hyrax is about this big.
Yeah, it's about that big.
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And its poo is this big. That big.
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What would you guess
their closest relative to be?
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Meerkat.
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Yeah, you would think that,
but it's not a meerkat.
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Well, it's not their parents, if
they're making them do that. Yeah.
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That's upset you, hasn't it?
Yeah. It's just not on. No.
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You'd think they could just have
a yoghurt or something. Yeah.
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Yeah, something with friendly
bacteria. That's fine.
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Yeah. Yeah, that would be
much more civilised.
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The nearest relative to a hyrax.
Pick an animal.
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Is it a dog?
Mouse, rat, cat, dog. Huge. Raccoon.
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Huge. Elephant. Huge? Elephant.
Elephant. Tiger. An elephant?
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No, an elephant?! Elephant, yeah.
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Elephants and sea cows,
or manatees.
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They share a fairly recent
common ancestor.
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This is going to come up
in a couple of years' time.
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"When science got it wrong."
LAUGHTER
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"Can you believe we ever thought
these three things were related?"
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One geneticist,
one wrong decimal place.
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A rogue geneticist.
One drunk geneticist.
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"OK, I'll have that one,
that one and that one, yeah!"
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That seems right, yeah, that's it.
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Can I just say that I think
the Elves were a little bit drunk,
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Cos I said,
"What was the common ancestor?"
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And they did a picture for me?
Just have a look at this.
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This is their view of what
the common ancestor looked like.
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LAUGHTER
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But you're very musical anyway,
aren't you, darling? You've been
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a choreographer in your time?
I was a Bollywood
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dance choreographer, yeah. For a...
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How cool is that?
Oh, my goodness.
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Go on, give us a couple of moves.
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Yeah. Go on.
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This one.
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CHEERING
182
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Well, OK. Fine, fine, fine.
I'll just say, my husband
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is obsessed with Bollywood dancing,
he loves it.
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But if you could teach me a couple
of signature moves to teach him,
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he would be thrilled.
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OK, I'll teach everyone, then.
OK, yeah. Something simple.
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OK. Now the common misconception
of kind of any kind of Asian or
188
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Indian dance moves is
the light bulb and pat the dog.
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I can do that. Which, you can,
but that's also racist. So...
190
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LAUGHTER
191
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Right, I won't do that, then.
192
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Light bulb, pat the dog,
I won't do that, then. No.
193
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Well, I'll teach you.
Do we have to get up? No, no, no.
You can do it sitting down. OK.
194
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Because the beauty of Bollywood is
a lot of the dancing is in the face.
Ah, OK.
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00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:25,116
If any of you have ever
looked for a remote under a sofa -
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have you ever had to do that?
Yes, yes.
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Yeah, so you kind of go like that.
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00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:30,756
Yes. And you don't find it.
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00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:31,956
Yeah.
200
00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:34,196
And then do the other hand.
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And do it together.
202
00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:38,916
I like it.
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00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,516
Oh!
204
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,556
What's this?
And the middle finger to your thumb.
205
00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:43,756
Kill the wasp, kill the wasp.
206
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:46,436
Kill the wasp
and then throw the wasp away.
207
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:48,836
Aah.
Kill the wasp, throw the wasp away.
208
00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:51,036
Right, so let's do it together.
Oh, right. OK, ready?
209
00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:53,116
Everybody, together, ready?
We've got to be a team.
210
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,596
Everybody? Right hand first. OK.
In, can't find it.
211
00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:57,556
In, can't find it.
212
00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:00,596
Found a wasp, threw it.
Found a wasp, threw it.
213
00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:03,036
There you go.
214
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:04,716
Brilliant.
215
00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:06,880
APPLAUSE
216
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:10,556
And you made a living doing that?
Yeah!
217
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:12,320
LAUGHTER
218
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:16,876
This is one of my least-favourite
things that I have ever seen.
219
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,516
It is the most dubious
rotating invention.
220
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,996
It's called an apparatus
for facilitating
221
00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:24,596
the birth of a child
by centrifugal force.
222
00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:26,036
Oh, Christ!
223
00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:27,636
I know.
224
00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:29,676
Do you have a cordon of
slip fielders?
225
00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:31,560
LAUGHTER
Yes, well.
226
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:34,276
There was a net.
227
00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:37,196
You want Ben Stokes in there
somewhere. Yes, you do!
228
00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:41,156
So you'd strap the woman to it
and she, the idea is...
229
00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:43,476
She doesn't look keen, the girl. No!
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00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:45,956
No, so the idea is to spin
her around at high speed,
231
00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:50,996
and the baby is propelled out
and caught in a small net.
232
00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:53,556
LAUGHTER
233
00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:55,876
If you would like
to shorten your life,
234
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:58,956
the best place to go is
the Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas.
235
00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:02,956
You can eat for free if you weigh
over 350lb or 25st.
236
00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:05,796
So, just for you, that's about
three quarters of the weight
237
00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:08,236
of a blue whale's heart.
That's quite a lot.
238
00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:12,476
And you are verified by being
weighed at a cattle-weighing station
239
00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:14,476
and then you are led to your table
240
00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:18,836
if you are more than 350lb,
by your personal nurse.
241
00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:20,396
It's a waiter. Wow.
242
00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:25,316
And their signature Quadruple Bypass
Burger is just a shade under
243
00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:27,196
10,000 calories.
244
00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:30,796
It's made - there it is - it's made
of four half-pound beef patties,
245
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,276
20 strips of bacon,
8 slices of American cheese,
246
00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:36,276
I say cheese,
it's American cheese.
247
00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:39,636
A whole tomato, half an onion,
served in a bun coated with lard.
248
00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:41,920
LAUGHTER
249
00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:47,236
If you finish... Well, at least
the presentation's gorgeous. I know.
250
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:48,476
If you finish it,
251
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:51,316
your nurse will deliver you
to your car in a wheelchair.
252
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,356
And then do we know anything
about faecal matter?
253
00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:54,756
LAUGHTER
254
00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:56,956
I imagine you'd be bound up
for quite a while
255
00:10:57,040 --> 00:10:59,436
after all that protein.
If you don't finish it,
256
00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:01,756
she will spank you
in front of the other diners.
257
00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:04,116
Really? Are you sure this is a real
restaurant and not
258
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:07,236
a dream you've had? It is a real
restaurant. It is a real restaurant.
259
00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:10,596
In 2013, the unofficial spokesman
for the restaurant,
260
00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:12,476
he was 52, died of a heart attack.
261
00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:15,116
Three other people
have died on site...
262
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:16,716
What? ..in the restaurant.
263
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:19,356
The clue is in the fact that
the dish has bypass in the name.
264
00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:20,556
Yes, I think that... Yeah.
265
00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:21,796
They do have a vegan option.
266
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:23,396
LAUGHTER
267
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:24,796
It's a vegan! Ah, no.
268
00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:27,680
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
269
00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:33,796
Right, I thought we might start with
a little bit of soup to begin.
270
00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:38,156
So you've each got a bowl here
of beetroot soup.
271
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:41,956
So what I want you do is I want you
to demonstrate, please, how
272
00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:47,080
to eat this bowl of beetroot soup
without getting your ruff all red.
273
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:52,156
Oh, that seems to be very wise.
274
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:54,636
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
275
00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:55,760
Yeah.
276
00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:58,640
Oh!
277
00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:02,796
Zoe, I think
you've definitely nailed it.
278
00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:05,076
I think that is the answer. Whoa!
279
00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:07,276
I bought one of those
La-Z-Boy sofas.
280
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:11,156
Yeah. And I can eat... Anything?
..completely horizontal.
281
00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:13,876
OK, well, they didn't have those
sofas in Elizabethan times.
282
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:17,996
What they did have, in fact, was
a spoon specifically for eating...
283
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:21,116
Are you just going to drink the
whole...? Do you like beetroot soup?
284
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:22,916
It's very healthy. Hmm.
I love all soup.
285
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:24,356
Yeah, but be careful with beetroot,
286
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,996
cos in the morning you'll think
you need a colonoscopy. Oh, yes.
287
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,116
LAUGHTER
288
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,236
A terrible thing.
See if that's any easier.
289
00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:31,916
Thank you. This is a ruff spoon.
290
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:33,516
So ruffs were...
291
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:35,676
Do you like this?
It's rather lovely, isn't it? Hmm.
292
00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:37,356
There's more wobble
with a longer spoon.
293
00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:39,196
Oh, do you not like the
longer spoon, then?
294
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:40,236
I find it more difficult.
295
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:42,636
And what about if you fed
each other? Would that be easier?
296
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,476
Oh, yes!
297
00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:46,476
LAUGHTER
298
00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:48,360
I don't know
if that would be easier.
299
00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:52,996
This is like...
Oh! I think that's rather beautiful.
300
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,636
APPLAUSE
301
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:56,720
Yeah, I think that's rather lovely.
302
00:12:58,360 --> 00:12:59,956
It's like Lady And The Tramp. Oh.
303
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:03,356
No! It's gone all down Susan's ruff.
304
00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:05,396
Oh, Susan, I'm sorry. Tom!
305
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,636
But the sight of you
slurping that was
306
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,916
so disgusting
that I kind of dropped the spoon.
307
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,200
LAUGHTER
308
00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:14,156
The strongest beer ever made,
according to
309
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,956
the Guinness World Records, was
a beer called The End Of History.
310
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:18,996
It was made by the Scottish company
BrewDog.
311
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:21,836
It was 55% alcohol.
312
00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:23,716
So if you think vodka mostly is 40%.
313
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:26,156
What the hell?!
When you've had a pint of that,
314
00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,556
this is what you see.
Yeah, this is what you see!
315
00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:32,120
They sent ten... This is like
some of my lockdown dreams.
316
00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:36,476
They sent ten of their investors
a bottle of this particular
317
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:40,556
beer mounted inside a taxidermy
roadkill squirrel.
318
00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:42,956
It's not drunk as a beer, though,
is it?
319
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:44,236
It's drunk in a shot glass.
320
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:47,876
It says it should be drunk in small
servings, that is entirely correct.
321
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:51,516
I bet this is in the inside locker
of every RSPCA warden.
322
00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:53,800
LAUGHTER
323
00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:57,156
"Yeah, that's right, yeah.
324
00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:59,876
"You care for them on the outside,
inside, yeah, go on!
325
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:03,956
"Turn them into a bottle,
that's what I say! Bloody vermin!
326
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:06,436
"You're bloody vermin,
that's what you are!
327
00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:10,356
"That's the best you can hope for,
you miserable little git!"
328
00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:11,796
LAUGHTER
329
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:14,076
"Turn them into an object,
that's what I say!"
330
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:15,960
APPLAUSE
331
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:19,796
What happens
when you have a bump on your head
332
00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:22,356
and you wake up with
foreign language syndrome?
333
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:23,680
"Que?"
334
00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:26,636
You don't speak in a foreign
language,
335
00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:29,196
you speak in a foreign accent.
Clever. Is correct. Clever.
336
00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:30,836
That's exactly right, exactly right.
337
00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:32,440
Ooh.
338
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:38,716
You could just feel the trap door
opening and closing. Yeah.
339
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:41,276
Cos if you could speak another
language, then all I'd have done
340
00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:44,800
at school is just bashed my head off
the desk and gone, "Oh, bonjour."
341
00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:47,956
"Ca va?" "Oui, ca va bien, merci."
342
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:50,196
No, it's just
you speak in the accent. Yeah.
343
00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:53,276
Why do you do that face
when you're French? I don't know.
344
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:56,116
I was imagining smoking
a Gauloises cigarette as well.
345
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:57,680
That was very odd. Ca va bien.
346
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:02,796
Good.
347
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:04,916
Thank you. Merci beaucoup.
348
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,640
Boof!
349
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:12,156
It's just so weird how you turn
into a cartoon. I do, yeah.
350
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:14,996
But you're absolutely right, they
simply have an impairment, a speech
351
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:17,876
impairment, and the notion that they
speak a foreign language is, it's
352
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,716
in the ear of the listener, rather
than in the mouth of the speaker.
353
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:22,716
Sufferers have included
George Michael.
354
00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:26,036
I don't know if you remember this,
in 2012 he had pneumonia
355
00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:28,996
and he was briefly in a coma and he
woke up with what sounded like...
356
00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:31,236
IN ITALIAN ACCENT:
You've gotta have faith-a.
357
00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:33,236
LAUGHTER
358
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:36,116
IN ITALIAN ACCENT:
You've gotta rock ya body.
359
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:37,956
No, he had a West Country accent.
360
00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:39,556
Oh! He had a West Country accent.
361
00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:42,236
BOTH, IN WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:
You've gotta have faith. Faith,
362
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:45,236
you gotta have faith. He had
a careless whisper, he did. Yeah!
363
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:47,360
LAUGHTER
364
00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:53,436
When I hear about planets with more
than one moon, I'm quite envious.
365
00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:55,356
Like Jupiter's got several moons,
hasn't it?
366
00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:58,076
Well over 60, and we're finding
more. Well over 60? Oh, yeah. Oh!
367
00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:00,236
The outer planets tend to,
sort of, be,
368
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:03,076
they're bigger and there's, sort of,
more gravity and stuff like that.
369
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:05,316
But, you see,
our moon is the best moon. Why?
370
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:09,236
Well, compared with Earth,
our moon is very big.
371
00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:11,636
And so it helps protect us,
so asteroids, meteorites,
372
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:14,076
things like that, the moon will
take some of those knocks -
373
00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:15,356
you can see it on the craters.
374
00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:17,756
So the moon takes some of the knocks
for us. Like a bouncer?
375
00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:21,320
Yeah, that's it! "Oi, step away.
Yeah, I'll take that. Move away."
376
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:25,876
If the Earth and the moon perhaps
were formed at a similar time
377
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,916
and the Earth is in
the Goldilocks zone with the water
378
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,116
and the environment
and the atmosphere... Yes.
379
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,196
..and so is the moon,
but the moon - nothing. No.
380
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:36,036
A really harsh environment.
But the moon's so much smaller.
381
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,036
If you took the surface area
of the moon,
382
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:40,916
it's about slightly smaller
than the surface area of Asia.
383
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,756
So it's quite small in comparison.
384
00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:47,876
And also, being small, it's got
lots less gravity, and so, yeah,
385
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,076
if it did ever have an atmosphere,
it's long gone.
386
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:53,596
So it's the size and the lack
of gravity that stops it forming
387
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,076
an atmosphere? Yeah.
388
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:58,356
Also, as a result, it means
the sun's rays blast it really hard.
389
00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:00,036
And so, for instance,
390
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,836
the temperature on the moon
goes from minus 150 to plus 150.
391
00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:05,276
Oh, I had a boiler like that once.
392
00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:08,036
At the moment, this feels
like the morning of a science exam,
393
00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:10,156
and Maggie is the only child
who's done any revision.
394
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:11,840
LAUGHTER
395
00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:16,876
I saw a brilliant sign once,
and it was in China
396
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:20,116
and it was in English
on a remote island off Hong Kong.
397
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:23,676
And it was the most brilliant
sort of existential sign.
398
00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:27,436
Basically it said, it was
one of those signs where it's a map
399
00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:30,276
and it's supposed to show you where
you are, and there's like an arrow.
400
00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:31,636
Yeah.
401
00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:34,516
But it had been weathered so much
that all the information was gone.
402
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:36,840
So it just said, "You are here."
403
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,476
But it didn't show...
There was no map, it was just...
404
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:44,916
So there was nothing else? Yeah.
405
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:47,196
It was like, "You are..."
"Yes, I am here, I exist!"
406
00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:48,840
Come on! Come on!
407
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:53,636
Where does this man
keep his radio transmitter?
408
00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:55,036
Oh.
409
00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:57,196
Where's his penis? Well, that...
410
00:17:57,280 --> 00:17:59,476
Who leaves the house
without their penis?
411
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:03,836
Weirdly, that is part of the answer.
412
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:05,396
Oh. Oh.
413
00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:07,436
All of us that have penises...
414
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:10,396
Careful. ..keep our radio
transmitters in them?
415
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:11,796
You could.
416
00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:13,356
Really?! What?! Where?
417
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,156
You could, yes. OK.
418
00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:16,756
I picked up Classic FM earlier.
419
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:18,796
LAUGHTER
420
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:20,156
Who were you shagging?
421
00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:22,516
LAUGHTER
422
00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:27,476
So during the Cold War,
the CIA developed a radio, obviously
423
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:32,440
just for the boys, it was a secret
radio hidden in a fake scrotum.
424
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:35,876
I know.
GROANING
425
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:37,636
Oh, my God!
426
00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:40,760
All right, that is an overreaction
to the scrotum! No, it's not, Alan.
427
00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:43,836
Do you know what's offensive
about that?
428
00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:45,636
I had to pose for eight hours
for that.
429
00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:46,916
LAUGHTER
430
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,116
And they air-brushed you out.
Oh, my God!
431
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,876
They air-brushed me out!
They said it'd be tastefully done.
432
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:54,356
Because you're the only comedian
with a detachable scrotum,
433
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:55,916
that's why you got that.
434
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:59,716
It was for pilots who might be
captured and searched, for example.
435
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:03,516
Obviously our Action Man could not,
I don't know, couldn't pull
436
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:06,436
this off, I was going to say, but
I don't know what the expression is.
437
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:11,356
Anyway, I am told spies could slip
it over an existing scrotum.
438
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:13,636
Oh, so it would go over
the normal scrotum? Yes.
439
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,276
And then guards would probably...
440
00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:17,956
I really don't think you could slip
anything over your scrotum.
441
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:20,156
Apparently, you had to put it
on one testicle at a time.
442
00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:21,440
I'm just telling you.
443
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:25,236
What, and then staple it?
444
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:26,436
LAUGHTER
445
00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:27,796
I think it would just...
446
00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:29,200
Suction?!
447
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:32,356
So it's rubberised
like a swimming hat?
448
00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:34,556
LAUGHTER
449
00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:36,880
I think it... Yeah. I think...
Well, I think you put...
450
00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:41,236
If it's suction, it's not
the getting it on I'm worried about,
451
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:42,756
it's the getting it off. Yeah.
452
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:44,396
Is that a one-size-fits-all?
453
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,596
I've run out of information.
454
00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:48,240
LAUGHTER
455
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:53,476
This kind of thing of eating locusts
and bugs and things like that,
456
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,956
about finding alternative sources
of protein, and all that.
457
00:19:56,040 --> 00:19:57,516
I've tried locust,
that is not pleasant.
458
00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:58,876
I had a locust bhaji,
459
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,956
and it was one of the worst things
I've had in my life.
460
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:02,036
Oh. What's a bhaji?
461
00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:04,636
Well, it's like an onion pakora
thing, so it's an Indian dish.
462
00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:07,356
Oh. Oh, did you mean bhaji?
A bhaji. Oh, I...
463
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:08,836
Oh, sorry.
464
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:10,356
LAUGHTER
465
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:14,280
I honestly... Everyone...
I honestly thought you said budgie.
466
00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:18,676
I thought she said badgie,
I was thinking, like, a badger,
467
00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:21,756
but you wouldn't call a badger
a barger, would you? No.
468
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:23,600
"I ran over a barger the other day.
469
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,316
"It was delicious."
470
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,396
Because of the unique way
the BBC is funded,
471
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:30,236
you hear all sorts of voices
on the BBC,
472
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:32,596
one of which was corrected
on her pronunciation of bhaji.
473
00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:33,916
Let me say it again.
474
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,236
SHE EXAGGERATES PRONUNCIATION:
I had a locust bhaji.
475
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:37,356
LAUGHTER
476
00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:39,996
Was that better, was that more...?
I just misunderstood, forgive me.
477
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,636
Was that more understandable
to your ears? My mistake, not yours.
478
00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:44,876
I had a locust bhaji. I'll do it
the whole show like this now.
479
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:46,316
He hasn't understood
a word I've said.
480
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:48,716
I had a locust bhaji the other day,
and it was really delicious.
481
00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:50,556
The thing is, darling,
you don't need to do that,
482
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:52,796
because when we put this show out,
we'll use subtitles.
483
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:55,920
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
484
00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,396
Right, it's time for another
socially distanced record attempt,
485
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:06,796
specially created for us
by Guinness World Records,
486
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:09,636
and we are going to do the most
Christmas crackers pulled
487
00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:11,676
by an individual in 30 seconds.
488
00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:13,716
OK? The number to beat is 20.
489
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:15,516
Craig is here to judge again.
490
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:18,716
Alan and Justin, you're going to be
taking this one on.
491
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:21,236
So there's an important condition,
isn't there, Craig, that we
492
00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:23,796
have to be able to hear the bang
of each cracker, is that right?
493
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:25,916
Yeah, each cracker has to crack,
so we'll count them
494
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:28,116
backstage to make sure
each of the papers has exploded.
495
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:29,356
Has actually gone. Yeah.
496
00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:32,040
OK. So you may put your crackers out
on your table in front of you.
497
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:35,320
That's my boy.
498
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:40,316
Because all the gifts might fly out,
I'm just going to put on...
499
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:42,076
You're going to wear goggles,
good idea.
500
00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:44,560
Because, honestly,
a pack of playing cards.
501
00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:49,036
OK, I've got my safety glasses.
Come on, Alan!
502
00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:50,476
Right, hand over to Craig.
503
00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:52,916
OK, so start with your hands
behind your back, please.
504
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:55,956
So, this one, you have to stop
when the music does, OK? OK.
505
00:21:56,040 --> 00:22:00,636
Craig? OK. You have 30 seconds
in three, two, one,
506
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:02,076
go.
507
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:03,156
COUNTDOWN CLOCK MUSIC
508
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:05,196
One, two, three.
509
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:07,036
Go! Go! Go!
510
00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:08,556
Oh, nice technique.
511
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:10,520
CRACKERS BANG
512
00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:14,120
13, 14, 15, 16.
513
00:22:15,360 --> 00:22:16,760
You've got this, Justin!
514
00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:26,720
# Hallelujah! Hallelujah! #
515
00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:31,916
HOOTER
516
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:32,996
Stop!
517
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:34,240
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
518
00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:42,676
I feel alive! I feel giddy!
519
00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:45,356
But look at that!
The smell of gunpowder!
520
00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:47,396
Look at that!
That could have had my eye out that.
521
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:49,396
LAUGHTER
Pair of nail clippers.
522
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,236
Environmentally,
this is a disaster as well. Yeah.
523
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:53,876
It smells incredible.
524
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:57,516
"What did Father Christmas do
when he went speed dating?"
525
00:22:57,600 --> 00:22:59,316
He pulled a cracker.
He pulled a cracker!
526
00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:01,040
CHEERING
527
00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:04,316
Are you doing the citizenship test?
528
00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:05,436
Yes, it's...
529
00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:07,356
It's very complicated.
It's very complicated.
530
00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:09,076
No English person can pass it. No.
531
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:10,876
It is absurd. It's not possible.
532
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:14,996
I secretly wrote out all
the questions from the citizenship
533
00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:18,236
test, and I made it
into 100 questions,
534
00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:21,476
and I presented it
as a family quiz at Christmas.
535
00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:23,200
LAUGHTER
536
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:28,196
And people were going,
"This is so hard."
537
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:31,836
"Why? Oh, I don't know.
Who knows about this stuff?"
538
00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:34,076
And no-one passed, no-one got close.
539
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:35,556
So, no-one.
540
00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:37,716
I said, "None of you, none of you,
all of you, out!"
541
00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:39,116
You know.
542
00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:41,196
Also, it's weird that they think,
like, facts
543
00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:44,236
about the Magna Carta will make me
a better British citizen. Yes.
544
00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:45,796
It's very odd.
545
00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:48,436
But what do you think SHOULD be
on the citizenship test?
546
00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:50,876
Should the cream or the jam go
on the scone first?
547
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:52,876
Yes, exactly.
That's the kind of thing.
548
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:54,916
Milk in first, then teabag.
Yeah, yeah.
549
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,516
Only in a mug, though,
only in a mug for tea.
550
00:23:57,600 --> 00:23:59,676
Yeah, you know.
And then something about Wat Tyler.
551
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:01,356
What is the correct British response
552
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:03,676
to a nuclear conflagration?
"Mustn't grumble." Yeah.
553
00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:06,076
That kind of thing. What do you say
when you've been
554
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:08,156
to somewhere amazing? "Not too bad."
Yeah.
555
00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:10,276
That's what you say.
That's the sort of stuff.
556
00:24:10,360 --> 00:24:12,316
"How was the Lake District?"
"Not too bad." Yeah.
557
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:13,916
"Could have been a lot worse."
558
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,916
But you should be able to name all
the fielding positions in cricket.
559
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:18,320
Yeah. That's true, yes.
560
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:23,236
Whose genitals are seven feet longer
than they used to be?
561
00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:25,676
Don't know where
they found that picture.
562
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:27,476
LAUGHTER
563
00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:29,516
Are we talking specifically
male genitals?
564
00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:32,156
We are, darling. OK. We are talking
about a penis that's seven foot
565
00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:34,596
longer than it used to be. A man in
the back row put his hand up.
566
00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:35,996
Did you put your hand up, darling?
567
00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:38,116
Do you know what it is?
No, I just wanted to brag.
568
00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:39,760
LAUGHTER
569
00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:51,960
Oh, my God!
Put your phone number on there!
570
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:56,316
You do not have
a seven-foot-long willy.
571
00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:57,756
That's amazing!
572
00:24:57,840 --> 00:24:59,836
It's no wonder
we had to sit you at the back.
573
00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:02,036
LAUGHTER
574
00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:04,236
Is that your girlfriend
you've sat beside? Yeah.
575
00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:06,156
His girlfriend's six rows in front.
576
00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:08,996
LAUGHTER
577
00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:11,956
Is it to do with, like,
a medical condition?
578
00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:14,996
No, it is to do with a piece of art.
579
00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:18,156
It is carved into a hillside.
580
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:21,356
Oh, oh,
it's the Rude Man of Cerne.
581
00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:24,076
It is, the Cerne Abbas Giant,
or the Old Man of Cerne.
582
00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:26,156
It is indeed known as the
Rude Man of Cerne. Oh!
583
00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:29,076
So he's a 200-foot-tall
chalk carving in Dorset.
584
00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:31,316
Look at that! Oh, yeah.
Have you ever seen this?
585
00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:34,076
Yes, I have. Have you seen this? I
have, I have. Has a notably large,
586
00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:36,156
well, he's well-endowed, let's just
put it that way.
587
00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:37,836
But he wasn't always
this well-endowed.
588
00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:42,036
So, initially, his proud member
was just 16-foot long.
589
00:25:42,120 --> 00:25:44,076
Now, you would think
that's quite big, but however,
590
00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:45,236
if you think about scale.
591
00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:47,316
So if you imagine a six-foot man
has a six-inch penis,
592
00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:49,996
he's 200 foot,
you would imagine him to have
593
00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:52,836
a 200-inch penis, which is
about 16-foot long.
594
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:56,476
Right. But some time around 1908,
for reasons we don't know why,
595
00:25:56,560 --> 00:25:59,516
they merged his penis
with his belly button and gave him
596
00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:00,516
an extra seven foot.
597
00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:03,116
LAUGHTER
598
00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:04,996
You know what's weird,
when I look at that,
599
00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:07,836
I see a shy little girl with
pigtails licking a lollipop.
600
00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:09,356
LAUGHTER
601
00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:11,156
Can no-one else see that?
602
00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:12,316
A little bun on her head.
603
00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:14,316
LAUGHTER
604
00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:15,556
Like there's the...
605
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:16,836
Yeah, now you say that.
606
00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:18,396
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
607
00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:20,396
Like, here she is... Yeah.
608
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:23,316
..having a lovely time, going,
"I love my lollipop." Yeah.
609
00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:25,476
And those little eyes.
She's like, "Om, om, om."
610
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:28,076
Then she's got, like, Pippi
Longstocking hair. Yeah. And then
611
00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:30,596
she's just got a little bun on her
head. Yeah. There you have it.
612
00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:32,996
Maybe we've misinterpreted this
for years.
613
00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:34,520
LAUGHTER
614
00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:37,876
There are lots of creatures
with prehensile tails.
615
00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:40,396
There's seahorses
and anteaters, harvest mice,
616
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:42,156
the tree pangolin.
617
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:44,476
And there are also creatures
with extraordinary things.
618
00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:48,076
So creatures with prehensile lips,
rhinos have that.
619
00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:50,276
Harvest mice have
the prehensile tail.
620
00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:53,956
Cats have prehensile claws,
so they can grab and grasp things.
621
00:26:54,040 --> 00:26:55,476
The giraffe, if you have a look,
622
00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:58,196
has got a prehensile tongue.
Oh, yes. Yes.
623
00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:00,036
The most extraordinary, and I'm not
624
00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:01,676
going to look at Ed as I say this,
625
00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:03,916
tapirs have prehensile penises.
626
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:06,436
Yes, I knew someone was going
to have one.
627
00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:07,676
Me too.
628
00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:09,236
There's no way...
629
00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:11,396
No way, with all the evolution
that's gone on,
630
00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:12,920
someone was going to get one.
631
00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:16,916
As soon as we finish here,
I'm going to swing home.
632
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:19,516
What do they do with it?
Why did that make them survive?
633
00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:20,556
They stay...
634
00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:22,556
So much better when
you're watching the telly
635
00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:24,116
and you can't reach the snacks.
636
00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:25,716
LAUGHTER
637
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:27,356
Before the remote was invented.
638
00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:28,796
It keeps them coupled.
639
00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:30,716
Put the nachos a bit nearer.
Oh, I see.
640
00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:32,556
It keeps them coupled. Yeah. Yeah.
641
00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:33,996
Like barbs on foxes.
642
00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:36,476
Yes, or the pig,
which has a corkscrew penis.
643
00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:38,116
Oh, yes. I know.
644
00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:41,076
Yeah, you have to get one pig
and then spin the other pig into it.
645
00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:43,916
Yes! I think even worse than that,
well, for me anyway,
646
00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:46,956
the leaf beetle larvae,
they have prehensile anuses, OK?
647
00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:50,236
It's like a sort of anal turret,
and what they can do is
648
00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:53,876
they can build shields
out of poo on their backs.
649
00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:58,276
And they place each piece of poo
on their backs and it becomes
650
00:27:58,360 --> 00:28:01,236
this sort of growing structure
and they can even move it slightly.
651
00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:02,356
And it's like...
652
00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:04,956
I'm just pleased for them that
they don't know that's weird. Yeah.
653
00:28:05,040 --> 00:28:06,356
LAUGHTER
654
00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:08,876
If they had any sort of
consciousness that they were
655
00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:12,556
shitting on their own backs, that
nobody else was doing that. Yeah.
656
00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:14,196
Ignorance. I've got an anal turret!
657
00:28:14,280 --> 00:28:16,996
Why?
I could have had a prehensile cock!
658
00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:19,040
I could have had massive bollocks
like Ed Gamble.
659
00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:23,156
We have a news flash, everybody.
660
00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:26,516
I have the results of
the Christmas cracker pulling.
661
00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:28,236
ALL: Ooh.
662
00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:29,956
I'm actually quite excited. OK.
I am.
663
00:28:30,053 --> 00:28:33,210
I can tell you that Justin got 30,
664
00:28:33,295 --> 00:28:35,396
with 4 that didn't crack.
665
00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:39,236
Alan got 35
with 7 that didn't crack,
666
00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:41,636
which makes Alan
the new world-record holder!
667
00:28:41,721 --> 00:28:43,481
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE