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This programme contains
some strong language.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello and welcome
to a sick episode of QI,

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where we'll be
sneezing and sniffling,

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but always socially distancing,
of course.

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I think our guest list this evening
must be some sort of sick joke.

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They are - sick as a parrot,
it's Jo Brand.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Sick as a dog, it's Maisie Adam.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Sick as a pig, it's Lee Mack.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And sick as a blue whale,
it's Alan Davies.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And their buzzers don't sound
quite themselves.

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Jo goes...

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MAN GROANS

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Maisie goes...

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MAN RETCHES, STOMACH GURGLES

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Lee goes...

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MAN COUGHS AND VOMITS

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And Alan goes...

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Mate, that is well sick!

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LAUGHTER

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Right, on with the questions.

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Which weirdo genius left
a plague zone to test his eyesight?

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MAN GROANS

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Mine sounds the most like sex,
doesn't it?

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Well, my kind of... I was going
to say, not to me, Jo. No.

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That's quite an insight, there.
To me, sadly.

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I was going to say possibly some
kind of wanker.

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LAUGHTER

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I mean, you can't... No, no, no,

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just because
he's got failing eyesight

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and that's what they say,
isn't it, if you...? If you...?

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Oh, I see! It's a bold statement
for the only person wearing glasses.

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LAUGHTER

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"Who said that?"

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LAUGHTER

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Did you want to say something?
Dominic Cummings. Dominic Cummings!

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KLAXON

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He did what any good father
would do! Yes.

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As the age-old saying goes,

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if your eyes are given your hassle,
drive to Barnard Castle.

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LAUGHTER

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When was there a plague before?

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The bubonic plague?
Yeah, the Great Plague.

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Round about 1380-something,
wasn't there?

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Wasn't there one more recent
than that? 17th century? 1665.

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Yes, yes! A point!

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1665. Yes, I know, right?

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I retire.

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I knew what century
the Great Plague was in. Come on!

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A plague swept the south-east
of England and Sir Isaac Newton

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fled Cambridge and shut himself up
at the family farm at Woolsthorpe.

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So what do we know about Newton?
Theory of...? The apple on his head.

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It's gravity, isn't it? Except that
didn't happen. It was a myth. What?!

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That apple thing's a myth?! Are you
telling me the apple went up?

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He propagated it as a bit of a myth,
the story about the apple, but it is

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from exactly the same time. So
his theory of gravity is from then.

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But he also studied optics

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and he wanted to work out
how the eye worked.

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And this was a guy who was
fully committed, OK?

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So in order to work it out,
he took a bodkin,

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which is like a little hatpin,

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and put it between... No.
..his eyeball... No.

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..and the socket to see what effect
that would have on his vision. Why?!

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This is very coincidental.

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Only a week ago, this is genuinely
true, I had to have a tear duct...

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Have you ever had it flushed?

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No. They basically get a syringe.

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The needle, I kid you not, is about
that big, but it bends, right?

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And I didn't have any clue what was
going to happen to me,

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and then the reason I knew this was
going to be painful is because

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a lady came in, and without asking,

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she held my hand.

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Oh, that's when you know.
And I went, "What are you doing?"

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She went, "Just holding your hand."

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Just in case. Bang!

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Yeah. It was the most painful thing
imaginable.

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And then they pushed the saline
through,

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and you feel it in your throat
when it - pop - it's unblocked.

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What was...?
You could no longer show emotion?

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I was constantly crying
out of this eye,

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and this was emotionally northern
and depressed.

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It felt like I was very upset about
things,

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but only at this side of my face.

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They could have just made you
watch ET

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or an episode
of Little House On The Prairie.

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Nice topical reference for you!

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Anyway, he poked around
and apparently it does

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affect your eyesight,
affected what colours he saw,

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and he could see spots
before his eyes and so on,

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and I think that's kind of a
dedication to his work right there.

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Wow. And years immediately
following the plague,

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he studied the best way to cure
the disease and he decided

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the best option -
to make toad vomit lozenges.

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Anybody want the recipe?
Yes, please. OK, so first of all,

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hang your toad upside down in the
chimney for three days, OK? What?

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I hope that's not a euphemism.
In the chimney?

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He was full of ideas. I know.
With the fire going underneath it?

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It doesn't say, it doesn't say
about the fire. Just says,

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"Collect vomit emitted before
it dies on a dish of yellow wax.

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"Be sure to include the detritus
from the bottom of your fireplace" -

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so bits of ash and so on -

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"and then grind the vomit with the
frog remains and form lozenges."

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And then you place the lozenges
around the affected body parts.

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And the idea is the tablets would
draw the poison out of the body.

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So they're not lozenges to suck,
then? No. How disappointing.

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Yes, I know. Right?
Who doesn't want a toad lozenge?

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At some point, he must have said to
his mate, "Do you know what

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"I've discovered? That toads
will only vomit in a chimney."

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Yeah, how many times do you reckon
his mates had conversations

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behind his back? Like,
"We're worried about Isaac,

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"he's put toads in the chimney
again."

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Anyway, do you think it worked?

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No. No, of course not. Yeah. Oh.

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It's a time when mysticism
and alchemy were pretty much

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indistinguishable
from chemistry and biology.

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So it was just his best guess.
I have to say that the prescription

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was not worthless
because it was sold.

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The handwritten recipe by Newton was
sold at Bonhams in 2020 for £60,000.

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So... In 2020?
Quite ironic, isn't it, really,

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given what he was like
with his eyes? 20/20. Yeah.

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LAUGHTER

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The similarities between the 2020
coronavirus epidemic

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and the Great Plague of 1665
are sort of startling.

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So King Charles II, he shut down the
pubs, he shut down the universities,

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he banned most public gatherings.

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Every day, the death tolls
were publicly posted.

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Mourning was limited. What
about afternoon? Ha-ha-ha! Sorry.

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LAUGHTER

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And, actually, plague doctors
sort of wore PPE,

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it's the rather famous mask...
There it is, the beaked mask,

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and it probably worked.
It's a bit like face masks today.

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I mean, incorrectly, they thought
it was the sweet-smelling perfume

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that you placed in the beak that
protected them from the bad smells.

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Oh, I thought that was
a socially distancing thing.

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That's not foolish... Surprisingly,
that is exactly right.

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Well, then, don't use it in the
edit, I've got my brand to think of.

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LAUGHTER

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You've got a brand, darling?
Of course. Paddy McGuinness

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can't do those Greggs adverts
forever.

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LAUGHTER

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And they also wore thick gloves
and they had long sleeves and stuff,

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basically preventing
fleas from biting their skin.

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Now, who has shooting stars
coming out of their bottom?

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Are you...? What? Oh, this is
a question. I thought you had...

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It's a philosophical question.

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I thought you were being
very middle class and

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you wanted to know who's farted.

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Yes, I say, who's got shooting stars
coming out of their bottom?

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What do you call it in your family,
with the children?

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Like, my family called it trumping.

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We say pumps. Pumps. I'm old school.
I say fart. Yeah.

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But, you know, they like to say
bottom burp. "Who's bottom burped?"

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I go, "Not me, I farted."

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LAUGHTER

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And we've got a dog now and you know
how smelly their farts can be.

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Yeah. And you can't call that
a bottom burp,

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it's too nice and delicate a word,
isn't it, for what they do?

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It's nuclear. We call it attempted
murder. Yeah, it is, isn't it?

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Shooting stars out of the bottom?

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Well, I could imagine that I might
have had a row with Vic Reeves

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when we were pissed
and he might have shoved a DVD up

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and then had to pull it out again.
I don't know.

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One of Jo's crazy nights out.

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LAUGHTER

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We're up in space.

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We're up in space.
Shooting stars out the backside.

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Is it what methane does
when it reacts with a vacuum?

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Wow. That's VERY scientific.
What happened to that brand?

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Oh, God. I know.

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NORTHERN ACCENT: Eh, is it a fat
bloke who's eaten

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too many silver star biscuits?

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LAUGHTER

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Much better, Lee. Use that one.

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So the International Space Station
has had a lavatory upgrade.

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Here it is. Look at that.

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It's called the
Universal Waste Management System

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and it cost $23 million.

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That costs $23 million? For one?
So, yeah, for one. Yeah.

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Everybody has to share, up on
the International Space Station.

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Here is the thing. This particular
toilet has the ability

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to sort faecal bits from the rest
of the waste to allow the liquid

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to be recycled... 23 million?!

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Wait...
You can buy a sieve for 4.99.

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Well... What are they recycling it
as? No, no, don't you dare.

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They're recycling the liquid as...

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Lucozade.

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Water. Drinking water. Drinking
water. Drinking water.

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No, no. For them on the spaceship?
Mm. Oh, come on.

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No, for the royal family!

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LAUGHTER

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That's unbelievable.
It is unbelievable.

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But the good news is if you're a
woman and you want to go into space,

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there is an improvement
for women astronauts.

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There's now a funnel
especially designed for women

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and they're a sort of - how can I
put this? - there's, like, ridges

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to help women position themselves.

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But we still haven't found
a truly unisex lavatory

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that works for everybody.

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Are they holding their personal
toilet? They're all... Yes.

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Where is the...? Where are the
ridges? On the inside of the...

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So the women have to, yes, position
their bottom exactly right.

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Where are the ridges?
So there is a serious issue, OK -

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the old toilet did not allow
astronauts to urinate and defecate

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at the same time. And that is more
difficult for women to control.

209
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It's just a thing. Can we just do
a quick sort of straw poll? Mm.

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Is it difficult for you not to
defecate when you've had a piss?

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00:10:25,860 --> 00:10:30,020
Sorry, can I just check, Jo,
have you been speed dating before?

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LAUGHTER

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00:10:32,740 --> 00:10:34,380
"Can I just check,

214
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"do you find it difficult to
defecate and piss at the same time?

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"No? You're in, get your coat,
you've pulled." I was so excited

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about being on this show.
I told my mum and dad, they said,

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"Oh, you're on with Jo Brand?
Let me know what she's like."

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I'm going to tell her. "You'll never
guess what that she asked me, Mum."

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If women defecate, they nearly
always urinate at the same time.

220
00:10:53,900 --> 00:10:56,940
I'm 52. I don't think
I ever knew that. Yeah.

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Never crops up, though, does it?
It does when I'm speed dating.

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That's how I met my husband.
Anyway... What they have now

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is they have, like,
a training potty on the ground

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which has got a camera in it to
teach you how to position yourself.

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And so what they have is
a vacuum-cleaner-like contraption

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to suck away the urine and then a
hole with a bag for the faeces, OK?

227
00:11:18,340 --> 00:11:21,060
But how...?
Surely just a cork would do.

228
00:11:21,060 --> 00:11:23,500
A cork would certainly sort it out.
But there was a problem.

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It was a really big problem
in the early days.

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They used to have to put some
germ-killing liquid in the bags,

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the bag with the faeces,
and then they had to knead it

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00:11:31,100 --> 00:11:33,900
for a few minutes.
They themselves? Yes.

233
00:11:33,900 --> 00:11:36,500
So it could be stabilised
and then it was stowed away

234
00:11:36,500 --> 00:11:39,300
for re-entry. Re-entry?!

235
00:11:39,300 --> 00:11:41,620
LAUGHTER

236
00:11:42,980 --> 00:11:47,100
Wow! Surely they could
just put it in the bin?

237
00:11:48,540 --> 00:11:52,940
So, when the toilet container
is full of sealed poo bags,

238
00:11:52,940 --> 00:11:55,060
it jettisons them into space

239
00:11:55,060 --> 00:11:57,700
and they eventually burn up
in the Earth's atmosphere

240
00:11:57,700 --> 00:12:00,100
and become shooting stars.

241
00:12:00,100 --> 00:12:03,860
Oh. That's not going to be quite
as romantic now we see... No.

242
00:12:03,860 --> 00:12:06,660
"Oh, look, you know that,
I reckon that was Neil Armstrong

243
00:12:06,660 --> 00:12:10,060
"having a shit, that one."
Anyway, moving on.

244
00:12:10,060 --> 00:12:14,380
Now, what's the best way to survive
in the Sahara? Oh.

245
00:12:14,380 --> 00:12:17,100
JO: Are we allowed to ask you about
this? Yes, go on, then.

246
00:12:17,100 --> 00:12:19,380
Cos I reckon you know quite a lot

247
00:12:19,380 --> 00:12:21,380
about the Sahara cos you're SANDI.

248
00:12:21,380 --> 00:12:22,940
Hey-hey!

249
00:12:22,940 --> 00:12:26,380
Heeeey! Thank you.

250
00:12:26,380 --> 00:12:29,580
Thank God that was a joke cos I
thought your geography was terrible.

251
00:12:29,580 --> 00:12:30,940
I thought you were going to go,

252
00:12:30,940 --> 00:12:33,140
"You know about the Sahara
cos you're Danish."

253
00:12:34,380 --> 00:12:36,260
What was the question?

254
00:12:36,260 --> 00:12:39,540
What's the best way
to survive in the Sahara?

255
00:12:39,540 --> 00:12:42,340
Wear a hat. Yeah.
I know how to get water.

256
00:12:42,340 --> 00:12:46,380
You can get a bit of plastic
with four sticks in the corners

257
00:12:46,380 --> 00:12:48,100
so it dips in the middle,

258
00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:50,220
and you put a cup under it... Mm-hm.

259
00:12:50,220 --> 00:12:55,140
..and then the condensation at night
will get under, on the underside,

260
00:12:55,140 --> 00:12:57,500
and will all run to the middle
and drop in the cup.

261
00:12:57,500 --> 00:13:01,580
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: That's a tip
from the outback in Australia that
I learned when I was in Australia.

262
00:13:01,580 --> 00:13:03,500
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

263
00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:05,540
NORMAL ACCENT: But what if
you've got some water?

264
00:13:05,540 --> 00:13:07,940
Should you make it last for a long
time or drink it all?

265
00:13:07,940 --> 00:13:09,700
What should you do?
Sip it slowly. No. No.

266
00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:12,140
I know that.
I meant gulp it all down in one.

267
00:13:12,140 --> 00:13:15,300
In fact, only have half of it
and throw the other half away.

268
00:13:15,300 --> 00:13:17,460
LAUGHTER

269
00:13:17,460 --> 00:13:20,740
Lots and lots of hikers who have
been found in a poor condition

270
00:13:20,740 --> 00:13:23,140
have been found with plenty of water
in their bottles.

271
00:13:23,140 --> 00:13:27,060
If you're thirsty, you should drink.
The water is better inside you
than it is inside the bottle.

272
00:13:27,060 --> 00:13:29,900
And you should use relatively
large gulps, to be honest,

273
00:13:29,900 --> 00:13:32,540
cos if you use small sips,
the body does not recognise

274
00:13:32,540 --> 00:13:34,860
that it has been rehydrated
and you stay thirsty.

275
00:13:34,860 --> 00:13:37,460
But the first thing...
And you should, by the way,

276
00:13:37,460 --> 00:13:38,940
once you've emptied your bottle,

277
00:13:38,940 --> 00:13:41,780
fill it up with your urine
and drink it. No. No? Yes.

278
00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:45,260
You shouldn't do that? No. Bear
Grylls does that. Absolutely not.

279
00:13:45,260 --> 00:13:47,540
No matter what Bear Grylls says,
drinking urine

280
00:13:47,540 --> 00:13:49,180
will only further dehydrate you.

281
00:13:49,180 --> 00:13:52,780
Why might that be? Because it's very
salty. Unbelievably salty.

282
00:13:52,780 --> 00:13:55,860
It has a salt content of about 2%,
depending on the person. Oh, Bear.

283
00:13:55,860 --> 00:13:59,380
That's not much lower than
seawater, which is 3.5%.

284
00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:02,940
And kidneys will waste water trying
to remove the salt from the body

285
00:14:02,940 --> 00:14:04,140
for a second time.

286
00:14:04,140 --> 00:14:06,660
So one of the other things is
what you said about wearing a hat,

287
00:14:06,660 --> 00:14:10,180
save sweat, not water, so you can
reduce the amount of water

288
00:14:10,180 --> 00:14:11,900
you're losing by finding shade.

289
00:14:11,900 --> 00:14:15,580
Don't eat too much because your body
will waste water digesting it

290
00:14:15,580 --> 00:14:17,580
and even keeping out of the wind,

291
00:14:17,580 --> 00:14:20,340
because air can speed up
sweat evaporation.

292
00:14:20,340 --> 00:14:23,540
What about taking water out of a
cactus? What do we think about that?

293
00:14:23,540 --> 00:14:26,260
I'd say that's a good idea.

294
00:14:26,260 --> 00:14:29,780
So you're in the Sahara... Yeah.
Yeah, you'd struggle to find one.

295
00:14:29,780 --> 00:14:32,540
Oh, you're still in the Sahara?
I'm still in the Sahara.

296
00:14:32,540 --> 00:14:35,180
You didn't say that. Oh, in that
case, if you're in the Sahara,

297
00:14:35,180 --> 00:14:37,860
I'll tell you what, I wouldn't even
bother, there isn't any.

298
00:14:37,860 --> 00:14:40,260
There is only one naturally
occurring species of cactus

299
00:14:40,260 --> 00:14:43,300
outside America, the mistletoe
cactus, which grows in forests,

300
00:14:43,300 --> 00:14:45,940
and anything that looks like a
cactus is a member

301
00:14:45,940 --> 00:14:49,180
of the Euphorbia family, and
they are mostly highly toxin.

302
00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:52,660
What do you think kills more people
than thirst in the desert?

303
00:14:52,660 --> 00:14:55,900
I bet it's hypothermia.
No, it's not hypothermia.

304
00:14:55,900 --> 00:14:59,500
It's counterintuitive
is what it is. Chapped lips.

305
00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:03,100
What would be the very, very, very
extreme opposite of dehydration?

306
00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:05,020
Drowning. Drowning is exactly right.

307
00:15:05,020 --> 00:15:07,580
Drowning? Drowning in the desert?
Drowning is exactly right.

308
00:15:07,580 --> 00:15:10,220
People neglect the threat
of flash floods.

309
00:15:10,220 --> 00:15:13,900
So dry channels, ditches,
what are sometimes called wadi,

310
00:15:13,900 --> 00:15:16,380
they can fill with water
really quickly.

311
00:15:16,380 --> 00:15:18,980
And it's fantastically strong
and very, very violent.

312
00:15:18,980 --> 00:15:21,540
And it can suddenly create
a wall 10 to 30 feet high.

313
00:15:21,540 --> 00:15:24,260
More people will die of drowning
than they will die of thirst.

314
00:15:24,260 --> 00:15:27,620
I tell you what, God has got a good
sense of humour. It's a laugh.

315
00:15:27,620 --> 00:15:29,420
Days and days of looking for water,

316
00:15:29,420 --> 00:15:31,420
you find it, and then you drown.
Yeah.

317
00:15:31,420 --> 00:15:33,980
Don't go to the desert
without a life jacket.

318
00:15:33,980 --> 00:15:37,980
I just love the idea of Alan walking
around in a life jacket, going,

319
00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:40,900
"You'll see. You'll see."

320
00:15:40,900 --> 00:15:43,740
I was filming in the Sudan,
and we were in a wadi,

321
00:15:43,740 --> 00:15:47,540
which is an empty dry riverbed,
and it was a perfectly nice day,

322
00:15:47,540 --> 00:15:51,340
and suddenly water came rushing,
we never even saw it com...

323
00:15:51,340 --> 00:15:53,620
It was terrifying, absolutely
terrifying,

324
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:55,220
and we just got up the bank,

325
00:15:55,220 --> 00:15:57,860
and by the time I was standing on
the bank, there was a full river

326
00:15:57,860 --> 00:16:00,380
flooding down below us. Sandi,
you are only a little person -

327
00:16:00,380 --> 00:16:02,100
was it a puddle? Yeah.

328
00:16:02,100 --> 00:16:04,780
GROANING AND LAUGHTER

329
00:16:04,780 --> 00:16:07,300
To me, the whole of life is
a massive adventure.

330
00:16:09,340 --> 00:16:11,340
Speaking of a lack of water,

331
00:16:11,340 --> 00:16:14,580
what Olympic sport could you do
in an empty swimming pool?

332
00:16:14,580 --> 00:16:18,980
So are we looking for a sport that
roughly takes place in that size?

333
00:16:18,980 --> 00:16:22,100
Well, it's a sport that developed
from empty swimming pools.

334
00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:25,900
Skateboarding. Yes!
What about comedy diving?

335
00:16:25,900 --> 00:16:28,740
You'd only have the event
the one time, I think.

336
00:16:28,740 --> 00:16:30,620
Like that TV show "Splash!"

337
00:16:30,620 --> 00:16:33,340
that you did, but it'd be called
"Thud!"

338
00:16:33,340 --> 00:16:36,220
I was just going to say
synchronised swimming,

339
00:16:36,220 --> 00:16:39,100
cos then it's just dancing, innit?
That would just be nice.

340
00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:40,740
Just dancing in a floral bonnet.

341
00:16:40,740 --> 00:16:43,860
There was a drought in California
in the late 1970s and it meant

342
00:16:43,860 --> 00:16:46,580
there were a lot of pools that were
left empty and it coincided

343
00:16:46,580 --> 00:16:49,500
with the rise of skateboarding
and it helped develop the concept,

344
00:16:49,500 --> 00:16:52,660
first of all, of something
called bowl skating. And then...

345
00:16:52,660 --> 00:16:54,140
Not a pool like that, though.

346
00:16:54,140 --> 00:16:56,780
They're called kidney-shaped pools.
Yeah. Yeah.

347
00:16:56,780 --> 00:17:00,140
In fact, sometimes they would
sneak in and drain them,

348
00:17:00,140 --> 00:17:02,420
if people were away. Really?
Just to have a go?

349
00:17:02,420 --> 00:17:05,300
And then go and use them
till the cops showed up.

350
00:17:05,300 --> 00:17:08,220
There's a rather good film called
something Dog something,

351
00:17:08,220 --> 00:17:10,020
I can't remember. Anyway...

352
00:17:10,020 --> 00:17:11,940
Skateboard films, google that.

353
00:17:11,940 --> 00:17:13,660
Lords Of Dogtown. Yeah, that's it.

354
00:17:13,660 --> 00:17:16,620
I used to skateboard, you know.
Back in the day. Did you?

355
00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:19,900
Yes, I loved it.
Had Kryptonic wheels.

356
00:17:19,900 --> 00:17:24,340
Is that good? Red. 65mm. There
are people at home going, "Oh!"

357
00:17:24,340 --> 00:17:30,700
When you see, like, the sort of '90s
grunge music videos from California,

358
00:17:30,700 --> 00:17:33,940
they're often skateboarding
around... Doing the stuff. Yeah.

359
00:17:33,940 --> 00:17:37,220
Alan's quite pleased
that you associate his skateboarding
with the '90s!

360
00:17:37,220 --> 00:17:39,700
It was a long time before that!

361
00:17:39,700 --> 00:17:41,980
They're all skateboarding round

362
00:17:41,980 --> 00:17:44,780
and Alan's there going,
"I'll pick you up at five, love."

363
00:17:44,780 --> 00:17:48,060
LAUGHTER

364
00:17:48,060 --> 00:17:50,300
Anyway, it took a while
for everybody to get used to it.

365
00:17:50,300 --> 00:17:54,060
Norway banned skateboarding
completely, 1978-1989.

366
00:17:54,060 --> 00:17:55,660
Said it was too dangerous.

367
00:17:55,660 --> 00:17:58,220
But actually, apparently,
it has many benefits.

368
00:17:58,220 --> 00:18:00,900
Cities with skate parks do
actually have lower rates

369
00:18:00,900 --> 00:18:03,140
of crime and antisocial behaviour.

370
00:18:03,140 --> 00:18:05,460
Is that cos they've all got
broken legs?

371
00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:07,940
Yeah, they can't walk.
They can't go anywhere.

372
00:18:07,940 --> 00:18:10,660
But apparently it's a great way
to exercise, particularly...

373
00:18:10,660 --> 00:18:13,340
I don't get it. It's brilliant fun.
Anyway, some tricks.

374
00:18:13,340 --> 00:18:16,500
Let's see if anybody can tell me
what they entail.

375
00:18:16,500 --> 00:18:18,140
A stiffy.

376
00:18:18,140 --> 00:18:21,060
That's when you skateboard
with an erection.

377
00:18:21,060 --> 00:18:23,740
LAUGHTER

378
00:18:23,740 --> 00:18:26,340
And it's very important not to fall.

379
00:18:27,620 --> 00:18:29,980
Is a stiffy when you go along
those metal railings

380
00:18:29,980 --> 00:18:32,900
cos they're stiff? No. So you jump
off the top of the ramp,

381
00:18:32,900 --> 00:18:34,740
you keep
both your feet on the board,

382
00:18:34,740 --> 00:18:38,580
and then you straighten your legs
and hold your board with your hand.

383
00:18:38,580 --> 00:18:40,740
OK, how about a hippy jump?
Oh, well, that's easy.

384
00:18:40,740 --> 00:18:42,180
You just get a fella with long hair

385
00:18:42,180 --> 00:18:44,580
to lie down and try and jump him
like a double-decker bus.

386
00:18:44,580 --> 00:18:46,940
A little bit. Is it a bit like that?
A little bit.

387
00:18:46,940 --> 00:18:49,540
Basically, you jump off your board,
so over an obstacle,

388
00:18:49,540 --> 00:18:52,340
it keeps rolling
and then you land back on it.

389
00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:55,860
Oh, I've seen these. Have you? Yeah.
Salad grind.

390
00:18:55,860 --> 00:18:58,940
That's just a lunch break
from it all, isn't it?

391
00:18:58,940 --> 00:19:01,620
So the back wheels slide
across the top of a ramp

392
00:19:01,620 --> 00:19:04,780
while the front is raised upwards.
It's named after the inventor, a man

393
00:19:04,780 --> 00:19:07,740
called Ed Dressen, who was known
to his friends as "Salad" Dressen.

394
00:19:07,740 --> 00:19:10,700
Oh, clever. Oh, now you've explained
it, I can't believe I didn't get it.

395
00:19:10,700 --> 00:19:14,300
Yeah. The opposite of
a salad grind is a willy grind,

396
00:19:14,300 --> 00:19:17,300
where the front slides on the ramp
and the back is depressed.

397
00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:19,900
And your cock goes along
the edge of the ramp.

398
00:19:19,900 --> 00:19:24,500
It's named after a Filipino boarder
called Willy Santos.

399
00:19:24,500 --> 00:19:29,100
This one's very unpleasant.
This is called a sack tap.

400
00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:33,260
I know what a back, crack and sack
is. Have you ever had one?

401
00:19:33,260 --> 00:19:36,100
No. I've often thought about it.
Why have you thought about it?

402
00:19:36,100 --> 00:19:39,500
Are you particularly hairy?
No, but I'd like to be smooth.

403
00:19:39,500 --> 00:19:41,780
LAUGHTER

404
00:19:44,660 --> 00:19:46,380
Wow. Just for once, you know.

405
00:19:46,380 --> 00:19:49,660
Do you know what the correct term is
for hairy buttocks? I do not.

406
00:19:49,660 --> 00:19:53,420
Dasypygal.
Wasn't she a judge on Strictly?

407
00:19:53,420 --> 00:19:55,700
Sack tap. Well, a sack,

408
00:19:55,700 --> 00:19:58,780
it'll be something about
you go so low down... Yeah.

409
00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:00,980
..that you're tapping your sack
on the board.

410
00:20:00,980 --> 00:20:05,300
Oh, you'd, like, teabag the floor.
Teabagging the floor to put it

411
00:20:05,300 --> 00:20:07,500
in more youthful terminology.

412
00:20:07,500 --> 00:20:10,300
So the skater has jumped off
the top of the ramp, OK,

413
00:20:10,300 --> 00:20:11,900
they grab the board with both hands

414
00:20:11,900 --> 00:20:15,540
and then they tap the scrotum with
the board and then put the board

415
00:20:15,540 --> 00:20:17,980
back under the feet.
Who thought that was a thing?

416
00:20:17,980 --> 00:20:20,660
Tapping your scrotum
with a skateboard?

417
00:20:20,660 --> 00:20:22,540
Let's have a look at this picture.

418
00:20:22,540 --> 00:20:23,900
Be awful if you started,

419
00:20:23,900 --> 00:20:27,780
and you didn't even have
to lift the board up! Lee!

420
00:20:29,540 --> 00:20:31,420
That's horrible.

421
00:20:31,420 --> 00:20:35,020
That's called a Christ Air, where
you grab the board in one hand,

422
00:20:35,020 --> 00:20:37,980
and you stretch out the body
in a cross position, like that.

423
00:20:37,980 --> 00:20:39,100
Wow. I know.

424
00:20:39,100 --> 00:20:42,580
What is so solid about
the siksik squirrel?

425
00:20:42,580 --> 00:20:45,220
What are you calling him,
the squirrel? Siksik. Siksik?

426
00:20:45,220 --> 00:20:47,780
Also known as the
Arctic ground squirrel.

427
00:20:47,780 --> 00:20:50,700
Siksik. He's called siksik
because that's the sound he makes.

428
00:20:50,700 --> 00:20:53,940
It's onomatopoeic.
Oh. Very strong teeth.

429
00:20:53,940 --> 00:20:56,900
No. This is... You know, every now
and then we do a creature on here

430
00:20:56,900 --> 00:20:59,340
that I go,
"Oh, isn't the world amazing?!"

431
00:20:59,340 --> 00:21:04,060
So it hibernates for eight months
of the year, during which time

432
00:21:04,060 --> 00:21:07,780
it freezes solid -
the whole squirrel, OK? What?!

433
00:21:07,780 --> 00:21:12,180
It can supercool its blood
to minus three degrees centigrade.

434
00:21:12,180 --> 00:21:14,660
So that's colder than any other
mammal can survive.

435
00:21:14,660 --> 00:21:17,380
Humans die if our temperature
fluctuates even by a few degrees

436
00:21:17,380 --> 00:21:19,420
either side of 37.5.

437
00:21:19,420 --> 00:21:22,340
So a liquid needs something
for its molecules to grab on to

438
00:21:22,340 --> 00:21:24,060
before it can form ice crystals.

439
00:21:24,060 --> 00:21:28,340
And to avoid this, all imperfections
are removed from a siksik's blood

440
00:21:28,340 --> 00:21:32,260
and we do not know how they do this.
Whoa.

441
00:21:32,260 --> 00:21:34,500
But here's the really unfortunate
side-effect.

442
00:21:34,500 --> 00:21:37,300
They hide away, so you can... I can
imagine what the side-effect is -

443
00:21:37,300 --> 00:21:40,380
people finding them. If you picked
one up, darling, and you shook it,

444
00:21:40,380 --> 00:21:42,660
it would freeze and die. Oh!

445
00:21:42,660 --> 00:21:45,700
So its heartbeat slows down
to just twice a minute.

446
00:21:45,700 --> 00:21:49,060
So that's the same pace as a... Blue
whale. A blue whale, exactly right.

447
00:21:49,060 --> 00:21:51,620
Every three weeks,
it comes out of hibernation

448
00:21:51,620 --> 00:21:53,100
because it has to go to sleep,

449
00:21:53,100 --> 00:21:55,180
because, even though
it's been frozen,

450
00:21:55,180 --> 00:21:58,700
the brain still needs sleep
from time to time.

451
00:21:58,700 --> 00:22:00,340
Well, my true story.

452
00:22:00,340 --> 00:22:03,860
We used to have a tortoise, and
there was an overnight snowstorm,

453
00:22:03,860 --> 00:22:06,740
and I found my mum in the garden,
I was just about to go to school,

454
00:22:06,740 --> 00:22:10,140
and my mum was digging
in her nightie, with a shovel...

455
00:22:10,140 --> 00:22:12,300
I thought she'd buried Dad again!
But no.

456
00:22:12,300 --> 00:22:13,780
I went, "What's up?" And she went,

457
00:22:13,780 --> 00:22:16,420
"The tortoise was out all night
and now it's under the snow."

458
00:22:16,420 --> 00:22:19,060
She was looking for it.
And then she finally found it -

459
00:22:19,060 --> 00:22:21,820
its head and legs were out
and it was absolutely solid,

460
00:22:21,820 --> 00:22:24,940
so obviously we assumed it was dead.
My mum being my mum,

461
00:22:24,940 --> 00:22:27,140
instead of just contacting the vet,

462
00:22:27,140 --> 00:22:30,860
she put it under the warm tap,
just held it under.

463
00:22:30,860 --> 00:22:32,980
I said, "I'm sure you're not
supposed to do that,"

464
00:22:32,980 --> 00:22:35,140
and then put it
in front of a three-bar fire.

465
00:22:35,140 --> 00:22:36,540
Just set it there.

466
00:22:36,540 --> 00:22:38,900
And even tried to teaspoon brandy
in its mouth.

467
00:22:39,940 --> 00:22:42,620
Aww! I swear to God,
it came back alive.

468
00:22:44,300 --> 00:22:45,780
Singing!

469
00:22:45,780 --> 00:22:48,100
# Oh, Danny boy... #

470
00:22:50,540 --> 00:22:52,220
Saying, "Do you want some?!"

471
00:22:54,460 --> 00:22:56,260
"Who's going to the garage?"

472
00:22:58,780 --> 00:23:01,820
"Give us another warm bath, love,
that were lovely."

473
00:23:03,500 --> 00:23:05,460
What was it called? Brutus.

474
00:23:05,460 --> 00:23:07,180
Brutus? Yes. Perfect name.

475
00:23:07,180 --> 00:23:10,140
Yeah, Brutus, and it lived for many
more years after that.

476
00:23:10,140 --> 00:23:13,460
God knows what effect it had had on
its brain, but it seemed all right.

477
00:23:13,460 --> 00:23:16,140
Well, the brain is the bit that's
really interesting because

478
00:23:16,140 --> 00:23:18,660
the day it comes back from having
been completely frozen,

479
00:23:18,660 --> 00:23:20,820
it suffers from a form of amnesia,

480
00:23:20,820 --> 00:23:23,900
and the brain resembles those
of human dementia patients,

481
00:23:23,900 --> 00:23:26,700
from which it recovers
really quickly.

482
00:23:26,700 --> 00:23:29,740
And I love this because scientists
are trying to work out again

483
00:23:29,740 --> 00:23:33,180
what is the process cos you might be
able to help human sufferers. Whoa.

484
00:23:33,180 --> 00:23:35,020
And also, before they go into
hibernation,

485
00:23:35,020 --> 00:23:37,140
this is a bit like your brandy with
your tortoise,

486
00:23:37,140 --> 00:23:40,620
they gorge themselves on magic
mushrooms, and nobody's sure

487
00:23:40,620 --> 00:23:44,780
if it's for some psychedelic benefit
or because...just nutrients.

488
00:23:44,780 --> 00:23:46,300
Sounds like they have a great time.

489
00:23:46,300 --> 00:23:48,460
It's not a bad life, is it?
They have a great life.

490
00:23:48,460 --> 00:23:49,700
Eight months a year.

491
00:23:49,700 --> 00:23:52,580
Imagine that, and their little book
is just open at the page.

492
00:23:53,660 --> 00:23:55,300
And they wake up and go...

493
00:23:56,820 --> 00:23:59,580
Now, for a question on syc-ophants.

494
00:23:59,580 --> 00:24:03,180
What's the worst result
of excess arse kissing?

495
00:24:04,540 --> 00:24:07,540
A promotion you didn't want,
surely.

496
00:24:07,540 --> 00:24:09,180
I think that's probably true.

497
00:24:09,180 --> 00:24:12,500
I like this picture. Somebody has
actually kissed his arse.

498
00:24:12,500 --> 00:24:15,140
Are there not lipstick marks
on his right buttock?

499
00:24:15,140 --> 00:24:18,500
Oh, yeah. OK, the worst result of
excess arse kissing,

500
00:24:18,500 --> 00:24:21,340
we are going back to the Romans.

501
00:24:21,340 --> 00:24:23,860
Emperor Caligula got sick, 37AD,

502
00:24:23,860 --> 00:24:26,260
and everybody wanted to show how
upset they were.

503
00:24:26,260 --> 00:24:28,940
There's Nero on the left
and Caligula on the right there.

504
00:24:28,940 --> 00:24:32,660
Anyway, there was one particularly
sycophantic plebeian

505
00:24:32,660 --> 00:24:35,020
called Publius Afranius Potitus,

506
00:24:35,020 --> 00:24:39,340
and he publicly announced that he
was willing to give up his own life

507
00:24:39,340 --> 00:24:42,500
if it meant that Caligula would get
better.

508
00:24:42,500 --> 00:24:46,540
The Emperor did recover, and
he forced Potitus to keep his word,

509
00:24:46,540 --> 00:24:49,660
and when he didn't kill himself,
Caligula had him executed.

510
00:24:49,660 --> 00:24:52,860
Oh, my God!
Wow, that's a bit harsh.

511
00:24:52,860 --> 00:24:55,940
But Nero, on the left, he hired
professional sycophants.

512
00:24:55,940 --> 00:24:59,940
He would enter a singing competition
and pay people to applaud

513
00:24:59,940 --> 00:25:03,380
so that it looked, you know, as
realistic as possible when he won.

514
00:25:03,380 --> 00:25:06,780
He would have groups of 5,000
soldiers called Augustals,

515
00:25:06,780 --> 00:25:09,420
who would cheer him while he was
singing.

516
00:25:09,420 --> 00:25:12,860
There was a French poet in the
16th century called Jean Daurat,

517
00:25:12,860 --> 00:25:16,100
and he read about the Augustals,
these guys that Nero paid

518
00:25:16,100 --> 00:25:18,820
to cheer him on, and so he bought
a number of tickets

519
00:25:18,820 --> 00:25:21,060
for a performance
of one of his plays,

520
00:25:21,060 --> 00:25:23,700
and he gave them to people who
promised to applaud and to cheer,

521
00:25:23,700 --> 00:25:25,660
and they became known as claqueurs.

522
00:25:25,660 --> 00:25:28,620
Oh, yes, that's what a claque is,
isn't it? Yeah.

523
00:25:28,620 --> 00:25:32,260
So that's arse kissing, but who gave
us the insult "kiss my arse"?

524
00:25:32,260 --> 00:25:33,780
Mother Teresa?

525
00:25:37,700 --> 00:25:41,580
There was a Teutonic mercenary
called Gotz von Berlichingen,

526
00:25:41,580 --> 00:25:44,500
and he was known in Germany
as one of the bravest soldiers

527
00:25:44,500 --> 00:25:47,860
in history, said to have
used the insult as a response

528
00:25:47,860 --> 00:25:51,660
to the Swabian army when they
besieged his home town in 1516,

529
00:25:51,660 --> 00:25:54,260
and the act is immortalised in
a play by Goethe,

530
00:25:54,260 --> 00:25:57,100
as leck mich am Arsch,
lick me in the arse,

531
00:25:57,100 --> 00:25:59,700
it's now known as the Swabian
Salute.

532
00:25:59,700 --> 00:26:01,580
Lick me in the arse?
Lick me in the arse.

533
00:26:01,580 --> 00:26:03,820
It does work, doesn't it?
If you are facing up to someone

534
00:26:03,820 --> 00:26:06,220
and they go, "Kiss my arse,"
it gets you more aggressive.

535
00:26:06,220 --> 00:26:09,020
If someone says, "Lick my arse,"
you go, "You all right, mate?"

536
00:26:09,020 --> 00:26:10,380
You'd back off.

537
00:26:10,380 --> 00:26:13,260
You'd walk away, you'd go, "I'm not
messing with him, he's mental."

538
00:26:13,260 --> 00:26:15,900
Why's he got such a tiny arm?
I'll tell you why.

539
00:26:15,900 --> 00:26:17,700
He can't tap his own sack, can he?!

540
00:26:17,700 --> 00:26:21,020
No, but he is very famous
in the history of prosthetics.

541
00:26:21,020 --> 00:26:23,340
So, a decade before inventing kiss
my arse,

542
00:26:23,340 --> 00:26:26,660
he lost his arm to cannon fire, and
he had some very impressive

543
00:26:26,660 --> 00:26:28,940
iron prosthetics made, so, at the
time,

544
00:26:28,940 --> 00:26:30,580
there was only a simple hook usually

545
00:26:30,580 --> 00:26:33,220
for somebody who had a prosthetic
for gripping things,

546
00:26:33,220 --> 00:26:34,820
and he had one with finger joints

547
00:26:34,820 --> 00:26:37,060
that allowed him to still brandish
his sword.

548
00:26:37,060 --> 00:26:40,340
He carried on being a mercenary
until he was 60, and this is the
exact arm.

549
00:26:40,340 --> 00:26:42,220
It's now on display in Heilbronn.

550
00:26:42,220 --> 00:26:45,220
Does anybody know where the Pogues
got their name from?

551
00:26:45,220 --> 00:26:47,940
Yes, pogue mahone,
and that means kiss my arse.

552
00:26:47,940 --> 00:26:51,260
MAISIE: Does it really? Oh!
I like that.

553
00:26:51,260 --> 00:26:53,940
So that's your arse kissing,
and for the rest of the show

554
00:26:53,940 --> 00:26:56,260
I'll be awarding bonus points for
sycophancy.

555
00:26:56,260 --> 00:26:58,580
But don't go too far
or I'll have you executed.

556
00:26:59,700 --> 00:27:02,300
How can laxatives help the lovesick?

557
00:27:02,300 --> 00:27:04,140
VOMITING

558
00:27:05,260 --> 00:27:08,180
I don't know the answer, I just
wanted to say you're looking lovely.

559
00:27:08,180 --> 00:27:10,780
An extra point for Lee.
Thank you.

560
00:27:10,780 --> 00:27:12,980
SCATTERED APPLAUSE

561
00:27:14,740 --> 00:27:17,180
I think you're heading to a good win
today.

562
00:27:17,180 --> 00:27:19,060
Thank you.

563
00:27:19,060 --> 00:27:20,500
Yes? I don't care about winning,

564
00:27:20,500 --> 00:27:22,460
just being here and looking at you
is enough.

565
00:27:25,860 --> 00:27:27,340
Have him killed!

566
00:27:27,340 --> 00:27:29,500
Yes! Damn!

567
00:27:29,500 --> 00:27:32,820
What is it, how can laxatives...?
How can laxatives help the lovesick?

568
00:27:33,900 --> 00:27:35,860
RETCHING, GURGLING

569
00:27:35,860 --> 00:27:39,580
Probably just give you a bit of
perspective, I imagine, you know?

570
00:27:39,580 --> 00:27:43,900
Like, if you're worried about
soiling yourself, you've got bigger

571
00:27:43,900 --> 00:27:47,660
fish to fry, you've got a bigger
problem at hand, I would imagine.

572
00:27:47,660 --> 00:27:50,380
It's a very good point. Do we think
lovesickness is a real thing?

573
00:27:50,380 --> 00:27:53,580
No! Yeah. Yeah. Oh! I think it can
have physical effects.

574
00:27:53,580 --> 00:27:54,860
Yeah, absolutely does.

575
00:27:54,860 --> 00:27:57,180
Loss of appetite, depression,
inability to sleep.

576
00:27:57,180 --> 00:28:01,700
Weirdly, historically, also supposed
to have resulted in excess blinking.

577
00:28:01,700 --> 00:28:04,500
You can literally die of a broken
heart, that is a thing.

578
00:28:04,500 --> 00:28:07,020
Is that a real thing?
I've heard people say it, but...

579
00:28:07,020 --> 00:28:10,100
So, if you have severe emotional
stress, it can weaken

580
00:28:10,100 --> 00:28:13,060
the left ventricle, that's the
heart's main pumping chamber,

581
00:28:13,060 --> 00:28:16,540
and it gives you a condition
called takotsubo cardiomyopathy.

582
00:28:16,540 --> 00:28:19,180
I have to say, more than 90%
of the cases are reported

583
00:28:19,180 --> 00:28:21,260
in women aged 58 to 75.

584
00:28:21,260 --> 00:28:24,220
I mean, most people recover.
There's a very low death rate.

585
00:28:24,220 --> 00:28:26,780
But there's never
been a case in Yorkshire.

586
00:28:29,180 --> 00:28:32,140
NORTHERN ACCENT: "Oh, well, I'll
just buy a whippet instead."

587
00:28:37,540 --> 00:28:39,900
I mean, today we blame it on an
imbalance of hormones,

588
00:28:39,900 --> 00:28:42,540
although historically they used
to blame it on the four humours.

589
00:28:42,540 --> 00:28:44,900
Anybody know what the four humours
were?

590
00:28:44,900 --> 00:28:46,620
Frankincense and myrrh.

591
00:28:46,620 --> 00:28:48,860
It's phlegm and blood
and black bile...

592
00:28:48,860 --> 00:28:52,540
Blood's one, yes, bile. Two kinds,
black bile and yellow bile.

593
00:28:52,540 --> 00:28:56,660
But their medical science was based
on the humours for centuries.

594
00:28:56,660 --> 00:29:00,140
And lovesickness was supposedly
down to an excess of black bile,

595
00:29:00,140 --> 00:29:03,380
and so the best cure was thought
to be laxatives

596
00:29:03,380 --> 00:29:05,260
right up until the Victorian times.

597
00:29:05,260 --> 00:29:09,620
No! Yes. So if that didn't work,
then purgatives to make you vomit

598
00:29:09,620 --> 00:29:14,140
or leeches to drain your blood,
that was the way to cure people.

599
00:29:14,140 --> 00:29:18,180
Actually, the worst story, in the
fifth century there was a Roman

600
00:29:18,180 --> 00:29:20,940
collection of biographies called the
Historia Augusta, and

601
00:29:20,940 --> 00:29:25,060
Marcus Aurelius's wife Faustina,
she had terrible lovesickness

602
00:29:25,060 --> 00:29:26,660
for a hunky gladiator,

603
00:29:26,660 --> 00:29:29,980
and it was cured by having the
gladiator killed,

604
00:29:29,980 --> 00:29:33,500
and she and Marcus Aurelius had sex
in a pool of his blood.

605
00:29:33,500 --> 00:29:35,060
Oh, my... No! No!

606
00:29:35,060 --> 00:29:38,700
He was always seen as the sort of
good Emperor, Marcus Aurelius.

607
00:29:38,700 --> 00:29:43,100
Yes. All of history is full of
stories trying to undermine

608
00:29:43,100 --> 00:29:45,660
powerful women
with fanciful sexual stories.

609
00:29:45,660 --> 00:29:48,340
I mean, it is depressingly common
throughout history.

610
00:29:48,340 --> 00:29:52,060
So, probably we should take
this story with a handful of salt.

611
00:29:52,060 --> 00:29:55,180
The best cure for love sickness
is sex,

612
00:29:55,180 --> 00:29:58,700
but what happens to your body
if you engage

613
00:29:58,700 --> 00:30:00,740
in too much spelunking?

614
00:30:00,740 --> 00:30:04,060
Spelunking... Is it one
of your skateboard moves?

615
00:30:04,060 --> 00:30:08,100
Oh! No. I like that, though.
We've done a quick spelunk.

616
00:30:08,100 --> 00:30:12,420
So the Latin "spelunca" is cave.

617
00:30:12,420 --> 00:30:15,260
So it's the hobby
of exploring caves - spelunking.

618
00:30:15,260 --> 00:30:19,780
Oh! Ah. So, in 1989,
they did an experiment.

619
00:30:19,780 --> 00:30:22,900
They took a 27-year-old Italian
interior designer called

620
00:30:22,900 --> 00:30:25,980
Stefania Follini and it was an
experiment about circadian rhythm,

621
00:30:25,980 --> 00:30:28,420
so about the way in which your body
normally functions.

622
00:30:28,420 --> 00:30:31,140
And she lived in isolation
in a cave in New Mexico.

623
00:30:31,140 --> 00:30:34,220
This is the actual cave
where she lived. She had a guitar,

624
00:30:34,220 --> 00:30:36,660
she had computers not attached
to the internet.

625
00:30:36,660 --> 00:30:38,900
She found two mice in the cave,

626
00:30:38,900 --> 00:30:41,780
which she named
Giuseppe and Nicoletta,

627
00:30:41,780 --> 00:30:43,580
and they became
her sort of companions.

628
00:30:43,580 --> 00:30:47,660
I thought you said she found a mouse
called Giuseppi and Nicol ate her.

629
00:30:47,660 --> 00:30:51,900
Don't know who Nicol is
but it's her only friend,
she could have left him alone.

630
00:30:51,900 --> 00:30:55,700
She lost weight. She had very low
vitamin D. Her periods stopped.

631
00:30:55,700 --> 00:30:57,540
Her body clock changed completely.

632
00:30:57,540 --> 00:31:00,780
She would stay awake for 20 hours
and then sleep for 10. Oh.

633
00:31:00,780 --> 00:31:03,460
And when she came out
after 130 days,

634
00:31:03,460 --> 00:31:07,900
she guessed she'd been there
for 60 days. Whoa! Did she have...

635
00:31:07,900 --> 00:31:09,260
She had the lighting, right?

636
00:31:09,260 --> 00:31:11,900
She had that lighting, but she
didn't have any natural light...

637
00:31:11,900 --> 00:31:13,860
She had no form of time-telling.
..whatsoever.

638
00:31:13,860 --> 00:31:16,980
And when she came out, it was really
way, way too bright for her.

639
00:31:16,980 --> 00:31:21,020
She had to have dark glasses
and so on. There she is, coming out.

640
00:31:21,020 --> 00:31:24,860
Oh, yeah. Looks all right. Looks all
right, but that's her going in.
Yeah.

641
00:31:24,860 --> 00:31:26,620
LAUGHTER

642
00:31:26,620 --> 00:31:28,380
How long do you think you would last

643
00:31:28,380 --> 00:31:31,620
in a plain room
with no stimulation whatsoever?

644
00:31:31,620 --> 00:31:35,140
What did she do? She...
She was an interior designer.

645
00:31:35,140 --> 00:31:39,540
LAUGHTER

646
00:31:39,540 --> 00:31:41,140
Well, she was there a very long
time,

647
00:31:41,140 --> 00:31:44,100
but I'm talking about a completely
plain room with no stimulation.

648
00:31:44,100 --> 00:31:47,260
So you saw her room, she had a
guitar and she made friends with the
mice,

649
00:31:47,260 --> 00:31:50,140
and she had a computer and stuff,
she had books. What if you'd had

650
00:31:50,140 --> 00:31:51,900
nothing? Just a cube of white.

651
00:31:51,900 --> 00:31:54,260
I mean, a month is going to be hard,
innit?

652
00:31:54,260 --> 00:31:56,500
It's going to be a small amount of
time, isn't it?

653
00:31:56,500 --> 00:31:59,740
I'm going to say three days and
you're cracking up. Really?

654
00:31:59,740 --> 00:32:02,500
That short? Yeah, it's really
a very short period of time.

655
00:32:02,500 --> 00:32:07,100
So the CIA were researching supposed
Chinese brainwashing techniques

656
00:32:07,100 --> 00:32:11,140
in the 1950s, there was a Canadian
psychologist called Donald O Hebb,

657
00:32:11,140 --> 00:32:14,900
and he performed an experiment,
so the participants got $20 a day

658
00:32:14,900 --> 00:32:18,460
to sit in a cell with everything
that might stimulate them removed.

659
00:32:18,460 --> 00:32:21,380
They wore cotton gloves, they had
cardboard cuffs,

660
00:32:21,380 --> 00:32:24,340
soft goggles to prevent the eyes,
even, rusting,

661
00:32:24,340 --> 00:32:27,300
and nobody could last seven days,
you couldn't last a week.

662
00:32:27,300 --> 00:32:31,100
And in the corner was a $23 million
toilet. Yeah.

663
00:32:31,100 --> 00:32:33,860
And all of them reported
hallucinations. Really?

664
00:32:33,860 --> 00:32:37,100
Yeah, so to begin with, it's just
sort of dots and geometric patterns.

665
00:32:37,100 --> 00:32:38,580
Some of them are great.

666
00:32:38,580 --> 00:32:41,220
One person saw parade of squirrels
with backpacks

667
00:32:41,220 --> 00:32:43,300
marching along a snowy field,

668
00:32:43,300 --> 00:32:46,620
another saw a bathtub being steered
by an old man in a metal helmet.

669
00:32:46,620 --> 00:32:48,700
But none of them could last seven
days?

670
00:32:48,700 --> 00:32:52,860
No, they were too depressed to have
no stimulation whatsoever.

671
00:32:52,860 --> 00:32:56,500
Caves - we go back to spelunking -
can obviously cause claustrophobia,

672
00:32:56,500 --> 00:32:57,980
but I just wanted to show you this

673
00:32:57,980 --> 00:33:00,580
cos it's one of my bucket list
things I want to do.

674
00:33:00,580 --> 00:33:05,140
It's the Sarawak Chamber in Borneo.
It is... Look at that. Wow, yeah.

675
00:33:05,140 --> 00:33:08,900
There's some caves in Vietnam that
are enormous, amazing places.

676
00:33:08,900 --> 00:33:11,340
And in some places
in northern Vietnam,

677
00:33:11,340 --> 00:33:13,300
they are still discovering them.

678
00:33:13,300 --> 00:33:16,780
So you'll go down a hole, some of
them only appear when the water

679
00:33:16,780 --> 00:33:19,140
goes down and you go through
a hole and...

680
00:33:19,140 --> 00:33:21,380
So people are still looking
for caves.

681
00:33:21,380 --> 00:33:24,460
That's the nice bit of caving,
though, isn't it? You have a stroll.

682
00:33:24,460 --> 00:33:27,820
That bit's fine, it's having to get
through a tiny little hole

683
00:33:27,820 --> 00:33:29,820
where there's loads of water
down there.

684
00:33:29,820 --> 00:33:32,580
That's what people are doing, they
are going into all those holes,

685
00:33:32,580 --> 00:33:34,780
in the belief that eventually
they'll come out

686
00:33:34,780 --> 00:33:35,980
into something like that.

687
00:33:35,980 --> 00:33:38,220
But what you get in there is not
claustrophobia,

688
00:33:38,220 --> 00:33:39,900
because obviously
it's a large space.

689
00:33:39,900 --> 00:33:42,100
You get agoraphobia, which is...

690
00:33:42,100 --> 00:33:44,700
A lot of people call it
a fear of open spaces

691
00:33:44,700 --> 00:33:47,060
but, basically, it's a situation
where you feel

692
00:33:47,060 --> 00:33:51,620
there may be no escape from it.
Isn't it ag-raphobia? It... Yes.

693
00:33:51,620 --> 00:33:54,460
It's not called agoraphobia...
OK, so the Elves and I had

694
00:33:54,460 --> 00:33:55,980
had a long discussion about this...

695
00:33:55,980 --> 00:33:58,140
Isn't the Agora the name
of the public square?

696
00:33:58,140 --> 00:34:01,180
Is that where it comes? Yes.
It is to do with wide open spaces.

697
00:34:01,180 --> 00:34:04,500
And I said ag-raphobia and they
assured me it was agoraphobia.

698
00:34:04,500 --> 00:34:07,340
They're wrong. But everybody says
"ag-raphobia". Everyone says...

699
00:34:07,340 --> 00:34:09,500
It's the same word
with different pronunciations.

700
00:34:09,500 --> 00:34:11,220
Listen to them backtracking
in your ear.

701
00:34:11,220 --> 00:34:12,860
"It's the same word,
it's the same word!

702
00:34:12,860 --> 00:34:15,300
"It's a different pronunciation!"
You've got it wrong!"

703
00:34:15,300 --> 00:34:19,140
You Elves... El-ves, I call you.

704
00:34:19,140 --> 00:34:21,420
LAUGHTER

705
00:34:21,420 --> 00:34:24,980
People in that cave might be
suffering from megalophobia,

706
00:34:24,980 --> 00:34:28,860
which is a fear of huge structures.
Me-gail-o-phobia.

707
00:34:28,860 --> 00:34:33,860
You could fit ten Wembley stadia
inside there.

708
00:34:33,860 --> 00:34:37,380
Stadiums!

709
00:34:38,860 --> 00:34:42,180
We just say Wembleys. You don't need
a plural of Wembley Stadium, do you?

710
00:34:42,180 --> 00:34:45,300
There's only ever going to be one.
Unless you need to fit ten of them.

711
00:34:45,300 --> 00:34:48,380
They must be Wembley Stadiums
because they can only ever be

712
00:34:48,380 --> 00:34:51,740
one Wembley Stadium. OK.
Thank you. Goodnight.

713
00:34:51,740 --> 00:34:53,900
LAUGHTER

714
00:34:53,900 --> 00:34:57,860
It's a shame, cos you really were
looking as though you were going
to win and now I don't know.

715
00:34:59,460 --> 00:35:02,300
I never win on this show.
Do you WANT to win?

716
00:35:02,300 --> 00:35:06,260
More than you could possibly
imagine, Jo. I always come last, Jo.

717
00:35:06,260 --> 00:35:09,740
OK. And with that, it's time
for a round of killer questions,

718
00:35:09,740 --> 00:35:13,060
the plague on all your houses
that we call General Ignorance.

719
00:35:13,060 --> 00:35:14,580
Fingers on buzzers, please.

720
00:35:14,580 --> 00:35:18,060
Which of these soaps
will clean me up best?

721
00:35:18,060 --> 00:35:22,260
Oh. Oh, yes, Lee.
Gotta be the antibacterial.

722
00:35:22,260 --> 00:35:25,380
KLAXON

723
00:35:25,380 --> 00:35:29,140
It's got to be.
Are the Elves wrong again?

724
00:35:29,140 --> 00:35:31,460
LAUGHTER, KLAXON

725
00:35:31,460 --> 00:35:35,540
Oh, no, sorry, sorry,
no, no, no, no, no.

726
00:35:36,580 --> 00:35:41,220
Is it the antibac-terial?
Did I pronounce it wrong?

727
00:35:42,620 --> 00:35:45,140
Maisie. Normal.
You're absolutely right.

728
00:35:45,140 --> 00:35:48,420
There is no clear evidence that
antibacterial soap is any better.

729
00:35:48,420 --> 00:35:49,820
May even be worse.

730
00:35:49,820 --> 00:35:53,460
So soap works by dissolving fats,
which helps dislodge the dirt...

731
00:35:53,460 --> 00:35:56,620
What?!

732
00:35:56,620 --> 00:36:00,180
Do you think if you'd just showered
more? No-one told me that!

733
00:36:01,300 --> 00:36:02,980
I eat three bars a day.

734
00:36:02,980 --> 00:36:06,820
You've not been overeating,
you've been under-washing. Yes!

735
00:36:06,820 --> 00:36:09,140
LAUGHTER

736
00:36:09,140 --> 00:36:12,100
A lot of those beauty bars,
the ones that smell really nice,

737
00:36:12,100 --> 00:36:15,420
are technically not soap at all.
They're cheese.

738
00:36:15,420 --> 00:36:18,740
Just lathering yourself up
with Brie. Philadelphia.

739
00:36:18,740 --> 00:36:20,380
Are they toad vomit?

740
00:36:20,380 --> 00:36:25,140
"Oh, God, I've left the toad
in the chimney again!"

741
00:36:25,140 --> 00:36:28,740
They're technically synthetic
detergents and not soap at all.

742
00:36:28,740 --> 00:36:32,140
Soap has to consist of alkali salts,
of fatty acids.

743
00:36:32,140 --> 00:36:36,300
How can you tell
that your toe is not broken?

744
00:36:36,300 --> 00:36:37,860
You can wiggle it.

745
00:36:37,860 --> 00:36:40,620
KLAXON

746
00:36:43,740 --> 00:36:47,460
I forget with this show to say it
in your head first. Yeah.

747
00:36:47,460 --> 00:36:52,140
Edit. Yeah. So it is an old maxim
if you can move it, it's not broken.

748
00:36:52,140 --> 00:36:54,340
It's not only unsympathetic,
it's untrue.

749
00:36:54,340 --> 00:36:57,820
I mean, the toe is the least
of that person's worries. Yeah.

750
00:36:57,820 --> 00:37:00,820
You've managed to find
the only picture of somebody

751
00:37:00,820 --> 00:37:02,540
who hasn't broken their toe.

752
00:37:02,540 --> 00:37:06,140
The poor person is going to wake up
and they've just got somebody going,

753
00:37:06,140 --> 00:37:09,580
"Great news is -
wiggle them toes!"

754
00:37:09,580 --> 00:37:12,540
I think the best clue
is if you hear a loud snap,

755
00:37:12,540 --> 00:37:15,140
that's usually...
That's the best clue.

756
00:37:15,140 --> 00:37:18,180
Do you remember a goalkeeper from
Manchester City

757
00:37:18,180 --> 00:37:19,700
called Bert Trautmann?

758
00:37:19,700 --> 00:37:22,380
Yes, he broke his neck
in the Cup Final.

759
00:37:22,380 --> 00:37:24,140
He did, and carried on playing.

760
00:37:24,140 --> 00:37:26,100
Terry Butcher did that as well.
Really?

761
00:37:26,100 --> 00:37:28,620
I said to him, I was doing a radio
show, and we had him on

762
00:37:28,620 --> 00:37:31,100
for an interview, and I used to like
to ask the guests,

763
00:37:31,100 --> 00:37:33,180
"What's the worst injury
you've ever had?"

764
00:37:33,180 --> 00:37:34,980
And he said, "Broken neck."

765
00:37:34,980 --> 00:37:37,060
Wow. And I said, "Did you go off?"

766
00:37:37,060 --> 00:37:38,740
And he said no.

767
00:37:38,740 --> 00:37:41,380
MAISIE GASPS
Carried on heading. That's insane!

768
00:37:41,380 --> 00:37:44,740
Well, Bert Trautmann collided with
Birmingham City forward Peter Murphy

769
00:37:44,740 --> 00:37:46,780
during the 1956 FA Cup Final.

770
00:37:46,780 --> 00:37:49,580
Is that the moment it happened?
Or is that a different...?

771
00:37:49,580 --> 00:37:51,580
I think that is the moment.

772
00:37:51,580 --> 00:37:54,380
Have a look at this picture of
Bert Trautmann. Look at that.

773
00:37:54,380 --> 00:37:57,140
Wow. Those are fantastic photos.
Yeah.

774
00:37:57,140 --> 00:38:00,140
Is a broken bone stronger
afterwards?

775
00:38:00,140 --> 00:38:02,220
I'm going to say...

776
00:38:02,220 --> 00:38:03,660
VOMITING

777
00:38:03,660 --> 00:38:04,900
Maybe.

778
00:38:06,980 --> 00:38:09,060
I'm going to say yes and no.

779
00:38:09,060 --> 00:38:12,180
Yes.

780
00:38:12,180 --> 00:38:14,820
VOMITING
I'm going to say I agree with Jo.

781
00:38:14,820 --> 00:38:18,620
There is some truth to this because
extra-tough bone will form

782
00:38:18,620 --> 00:38:21,900
around a fracture to protect the
healing bits, but it's temporary.

783
00:38:21,900 --> 00:38:23,660
I broke my leg when I was a kid,

784
00:38:23,660 --> 00:38:27,340
and when I got older,
I trained for the marathon,

785
00:38:27,340 --> 00:38:30,180
and I only got about halfway in the
training and then the doctor said,

786
00:38:30,180 --> 00:38:33,420
"Your problem is that one leg is
much shorter than the other leg,

787
00:38:33,420 --> 00:38:36,780
"so you're putting more pressure on
one leg when you're running."

788
00:38:36,780 --> 00:38:38,260
And you're going round in circles.

789
00:38:38,260 --> 00:38:40,660
I used to always run
right next to the kerb

790
00:38:40,660 --> 00:38:42,340
and even it out, it was fine.

791
00:38:42,340 --> 00:38:45,740
And he said, "It will be connected
to the fact you broke your leg
as a kid."

792
00:38:45,740 --> 00:38:48,660
And I still want to know, has
the healing made it longer

793
00:38:48,660 --> 00:38:50,180
or has the healing made it shorter?

794
00:38:50,180 --> 00:38:52,580
Cos I can't remember which leg was
the longest, you see.

795
00:38:52,580 --> 00:38:55,020
I mean, if it worked, I'd break both
my legs...

796
00:38:56,780 --> 00:38:58,100
And then ten years later,

797
00:38:58,100 --> 00:39:00,500
find out it's the opposite,
it makes you smaller.

798
00:39:02,860 --> 00:39:06,980
How does eating food help you
get less drunk? It lines... Hmm.

799
00:39:06,980 --> 00:39:11,660
Oh! Go on, Maisie!
Go on, Maisie! Come on!

800
00:39:11,660 --> 00:39:15,100
Maisie was going to say
line your stomach. No!

801
00:39:15,100 --> 00:39:17,220
KLAXON

802
00:39:17,220 --> 00:39:19,180
That's not me, that's for you.

803
00:39:19,180 --> 00:39:22,100
What's Kate Middleton doing
in the kitchen?

804
00:39:22,100 --> 00:39:23,420
If you were there you'd go,

805
00:39:23,420 --> 00:39:26,220
"You need to take a look
at yourself, love."

806
00:39:26,220 --> 00:39:28,780
Yeah. She looks like...
Eating a pizza, swigging...

807
00:39:28,780 --> 00:39:31,380
Come on, Lee,
that's your dream girl.

808
00:39:31,380 --> 00:39:34,420
Anyway, here's the thing.
When you drink alcohol,

809
00:39:34,420 --> 00:39:37,060
it can enter your bloodstream one
of two ways - either through

810
00:39:37,060 --> 00:39:38,780
your stomach or your small
intestine.

811
00:39:38,780 --> 00:39:41,340
The intestine obviously has a much
larger surface area,

812
00:39:41,340 --> 00:39:43,580
so it absorbs alcohol
much more quickly.

813
00:39:43,580 --> 00:39:45,900
And which of these is going
to end up doing the job

814
00:39:45,900 --> 00:39:47,900
depends on what you have eaten.

815
00:39:47,900 --> 00:39:50,820
So if you are full,
the sphincter between your stomach

816
00:39:50,820 --> 00:39:54,420
and your small intestine is closed,
and more of the work will be done

817
00:39:54,420 --> 00:39:57,620
by your stomach, so a fatty meal

818
00:39:57,620 --> 00:40:01,060
can reduce your peak alcohol
concentration by 50%.

819
00:40:01,060 --> 00:40:03,980
Never mind all that,
we ordered olives - where are they?

820
00:40:05,620 --> 00:40:07,220
So what's the right thing to eat?

821
00:40:07,220 --> 00:40:10,340
You want to have something... It
doesn't actually line your stomach,

822
00:40:10,340 --> 00:40:11,860
it just keeps your stomach very busy

823
00:40:11,860 --> 00:40:14,380
so that it can't get through
to the intestine. Keeps it busy.

824
00:40:14,380 --> 00:40:17,300
It's the same reason, darling,
that low-sugar mixers, you know,

825
00:40:17,300 --> 00:40:19,580
like slimline tonics,
you get drunk faster...

826
00:40:19,580 --> 00:40:21,980
I've never had a slimline tonic
in my life.

827
00:40:21,980 --> 00:40:23,620
Never been so insulted!

828
00:40:25,660 --> 00:40:29,060
They get you drunk faster
than normal mixers. Oh. Do they?

829
00:40:29,060 --> 00:40:31,060
Yeah. So with a normal...
I'll try it, then.

830
00:40:31,060 --> 00:40:33,940
With a normal sugary mix,
there's lots of calories to burn,

831
00:40:33,940 --> 00:40:36,620
it keeps your stomach working
and it keeps the alcohol away

832
00:40:36,620 --> 00:40:38,580
from the intestines for longer.

833
00:40:38,580 --> 00:40:41,100
The effect can put you
over the limit on a breathalyser.

834
00:40:41,100 --> 00:40:43,820
That's the difference.
There's a curious thing.

835
00:40:43,820 --> 00:40:46,620
When you drink, the brain creates
a substance called galanin.

836
00:40:46,620 --> 00:40:50,060
It has a role in addictions. If you
inject it into mice,

837
00:40:50,060 --> 00:40:51,500
the thing they want to do is to eat

838
00:40:51,500 --> 00:40:53,860
really fatty foods
and drink alcohol.

839
00:40:53,860 --> 00:40:56,060
MAISIE GASPS

840
00:40:56,060 --> 00:40:58,740
And do they get emotional and
tell you about their ex-boyfriend?

841
00:40:58,740 --> 00:41:00,340
The more alcohol and fatty foods...

842
00:41:00,340 --> 00:41:02,140
Then walk home carrying their shoes.

843
00:41:02,140 --> 00:41:05,540
The more alcohol and fatty food they
have, the more galanin they produce,

844
00:41:05,540 --> 00:41:08,140
and the more fatty food
and alcohol they crave. Aww.

845
00:41:08,140 --> 00:41:10,380
Eating might help you slow
how drunk you get,

846
00:41:10,380 --> 00:41:12,580
but it doesn't do it by soaking up
the booze.

847
00:41:12,580 --> 00:41:16,180
Helen of Troy had a face
that launched how many ships?

848
00:41:16,180 --> 00:41:20,260
Careful, Maisie. Oh, Maisie,
what is it? Come on, Maisie.

849
00:41:20,260 --> 00:41:23,100
I can't remember the number now.
Help me out here, Maisie.

850
00:41:23,100 --> 00:41:26,020
Oh, shall I do it? Maisie,
I'll do it. A thousand.

851
00:41:26,020 --> 00:41:29,780
KLAXON

852
00:41:29,780 --> 00:41:32,540
But, at the time, there weren't
a thousand ships in the world.

853
00:41:32,540 --> 00:41:35,580
There weren't enough shipbuilders.
Yeah, something like that.

854
00:41:35,580 --> 00:41:39,700
There weren't any oceans.
There were no such thing as...
No-one had sailed anywhere.

855
00:41:39,700 --> 00:41:41,460
LAUGHTER

856
00:41:41,460 --> 00:41:43,540
No? None of those?

857
00:41:43,540 --> 00:41:46,380
People rowed.
They didn't launch ships.

858
00:41:46,380 --> 00:41:50,060
They didn't have a slip thing. They
didn't have the champagne bottle.

859
00:41:50,060 --> 00:41:53,580
They would...they would take
the ship out a bit at a time.

860
00:41:53,580 --> 00:41:56,420
She didn't have a face.
She was faceless!

861
00:41:57,820 --> 00:42:00,900
Totally smooth and faceless
like an AI robot.

862
00:42:00,900 --> 00:42:03,740
The face that launched a thousand
ships, it dates back to

863
00:42:03,740 --> 00:42:07,020
a 1592 play, Doctor Faustus
by Christopher Marlowe,

864
00:42:07,020 --> 00:42:08,700
and it's a rounding down.

865
00:42:08,700 --> 00:42:13,060
Homer's Iliad specifically says
there were 1,186 ships

866
00:42:13,060 --> 00:42:16,060
in the Greek fleet that sailed
to Troy for the Trojan War.

867
00:42:16,060 --> 00:42:18,620
Actually, there's lots of
misconceptions about the Iliad.

868
00:42:18,620 --> 00:42:20,860
It makes no mention
of a wooden horse whatsoever.

869
00:42:20,860 --> 00:42:23,660
That's actually referred to
in The Odyssey, which is the sequel,

870
00:42:23,660 --> 00:42:25,460
and then only in sort of
flashback form.

871
00:42:25,460 --> 00:42:28,220
And, of course, Helen of Troy was
actually Helen of...

872
00:42:28,220 --> 00:42:29,900
Birmingham.

873
00:42:29,900 --> 00:42:32,100
LAUGHTER

874
00:42:32,100 --> 00:42:34,860
Sparta.
She was actually Helen of Sparta.

875
00:42:34,860 --> 00:42:37,900
That's why I won't read The Iliad.
There's too many misconceptions.

876
00:42:37,900 --> 00:42:41,420
Yes, there's too much stuff.
It's like The Crown. Yeah. Yeah.

877
00:42:41,420 --> 00:42:44,260
There were 1,186 ships
in Homer's Iliad

878
00:42:44,260 --> 00:42:47,660
and anyone who says it's 1,000
is almost 20% out.

879
00:42:47,660 --> 00:42:51,220
Which brings us to the exact
science of the scores.

880
00:42:51,220 --> 00:42:53,820
Come on, not last. I'll take it.
I'll be happy.

881
00:42:53,820 --> 00:42:59,020
Losing the game and their lunch
in last place, with minus 27...

882
00:42:59,020 --> 00:43:00,540
..it's Maisie. Oh.

883
00:43:00,540 --> 00:43:02,020
APPLAUSE

884
00:43:02,020 --> 00:43:06,380
Feeling green around the gills in
third place, with minus 15 is Jo!

885
00:43:06,380 --> 00:43:08,100
APPLAUSE

886
00:43:08,100 --> 00:43:11,420
On the road to recovery in second
place, with minus three, it's Alan.

887
00:43:11,420 --> 00:43:14,700
APPLAUSE

888
00:43:14,700 --> 00:43:18,180
And in first place...
Has that fuckwit won?

889
00:43:18,180 --> 00:43:21,260
LAUGHTER

890
00:43:21,260 --> 00:43:23,940
The eighth chunder of the world...

891
00:43:23,940 --> 00:43:27,580
I don't think me and you
as the Chuckle Brothers would work.

892
00:43:27,580 --> 00:43:32,580
..with no points whatsoever...
I'll take it. It's Lee! Yay!

893
00:43:32,580 --> 00:43:34,940
APPLAUSE

894
00:43:40,020 --> 00:43:42,020
Thanks to Maisie, Lee, Jo and Alan

895
00:43:42,020 --> 00:43:44,780
and I leave you with this sickly
sign-off from the late, great

896
00:43:44,780 --> 00:43:48,660
Ken Dodd - I just read a book
about Stockholm syndrome.

897
00:43:48,660 --> 00:43:53,420
It started off badly, but by the
end, I really liked it. Goodnight.

898
00:43:53,420 --> 00:43:56,460
APPLAUSE