1
00:00:23,005 --> 00:00:25,565
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

2
00:00:28,405 --> 00:00:31,166
JAMES BOND-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS

3
00:00:36,166 --> 00:00:39,926
Good evening, Mr Bond,
and welcome to the QI lair.

4
00:00:39,926 --> 00:00:42,606
I see you are not alone.
Oh, it's a very lively cat!

5
00:00:42,606 --> 00:00:44,606
CAT WAILS

6
00:00:44,606 --> 00:00:46,886
Tonight's little, um, episode

7
00:00:46,886 --> 00:00:49,886
is dedicated
to Secrets, Spies and Sleuths.

8
00:00:49,886 --> 00:00:54,047
Allow me to introduce my associates
on a need-to-know basis.

9
00:00:54,047 --> 00:00:55,967
The hush-hush James Acaster.

10
00:00:55,967 --> 00:00:57,847
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

11
00:01:00,487 --> 00:01:02,967
The highly classified Cariad Lloyd.

12
00:01:02,967 --> 00:01:04,647
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

13
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,887
The top-secret Daliso Chaponda.

14
00:01:08,887 --> 00:01:11,607
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

15
00:01:11,607 --> 00:01:14,088
And the man with no name -
Alan Davies.

16
00:01:14,088 --> 00:01:16,848
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

17
00:01:16,848 --> 00:01:20,168
And their buzzers! James goes...

18
00:01:20,168 --> 00:01:23,088
MUSIC: Theme from
The Pink Panther

19
00:01:27,608 --> 00:01:29,048
Cariad goes...

20
00:01:29,048 --> 00:01:31,768
MUSIC: Theme from
Mission: Impossible

21
00:01:35,769 --> 00:01:37,729
Daliso goes...

22
00:01:37,729 --> 00:01:41,009
MUSIC: Theme from
James Bond

23
00:01:45,529 --> 00:01:47,969
And Alan goes...

24
00:01:47,969 --> 00:01:51,249
MUSIC: Theme from
Austin Powers

25
00:01:51,249 --> 00:01:53,089
LAUGHTER

26
00:01:56,090 --> 00:01:57,730
That's my favourite ever.

27
00:01:57,730 --> 00:01:59,770
It's good! I'll just...

28
00:01:59,770 --> 00:02:02,770
Anyway, there we go, OK.

29
00:02:02,770 --> 00:02:06,530
I felt I couldn't spend
the entire show stroking my pussy.

30
00:02:06,530 --> 00:02:10,250
No, not the whole show.
People think this show's smart.

31
00:02:10,250 --> 00:02:12,410
Yeah. They're wrong. They're wrong!

32
00:02:13,570 --> 00:02:19,251
What might make you suspect
that someone was a spy?

33
00:02:19,251 --> 00:02:20,931
DALISO GASPS

34
00:02:22,771 --> 00:02:26,251
OK, I've actually got to say,
I'm very overqualified

35
00:02:26,251 --> 00:02:29,051
for this, right? Oh, are you? OK.
Well, I've met a spy.

36
00:02:29,051 --> 00:02:32,731
Have you? My father's
an African politician in Malawi.

37
00:02:32,731 --> 00:02:35,292
A few years ago, he was arrested.

38
00:02:35,292 --> 00:02:36,852
His office blew up.

39
00:02:36,852 --> 00:02:41,812
And, panicked, he asked me
and my brother to find him a spy,

40
00:02:41,812 --> 00:02:45,092
essentially to investigate stuff,

41
00:02:45,092 --> 00:02:49,492
and all of this culminated in us
meeting a spy

42
00:02:49,492 --> 00:02:51,452
at Wetherspoons.

43
00:02:52,532 --> 00:02:55,332
Was it
Shaken, Not Stirred Saturdays?

44
00:02:57,253 --> 00:02:58,973
CARIAD: What was he wearing?

45
00:02:58,973 --> 00:03:00,373
He did not look like I expected -

46
00:03:00,373 --> 00:03:02,373
he looked more like
a heavy-metal drummer,

47
00:03:02,373 --> 00:03:05,093
like long-haired, big guy,
lots of tattoos.

48
00:03:05,093 --> 00:03:08,613
OK, so we're possibly going
a bit more trad than that. OK.

49
00:03:08,613 --> 00:03:11,973
So you've got a top-secret briefcase
right next to you, my darling.

50
00:03:11,973 --> 00:03:15,133
If you pick that up,
the thing that has betrayed a spy

51
00:03:15,133 --> 00:03:17,534
is in that briefcase.
So if you open that up...

52
00:03:17,534 --> 00:03:20,014
Nobody has a proper briefcase
any more, do they?

53
00:03:20,014 --> 00:03:22,414
No, sadly. I like that noise,
don't you?

54
00:03:22,414 --> 00:03:25,414
Yeah. "Ker-chunk!"
It suggests business is afoot.

55
00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:27,454
Right. What have we got?
I know I've gained

56
00:03:27,454 --> 00:03:28,854
a lot of weight recently,

57
00:03:28,854 --> 00:03:32,534
but is this an intervention?
It's a Fitbit.

58
00:03:32,534 --> 00:03:37,535
So, what happened was, in 2018,
they were tracking data from Fitbits

59
00:03:37,535 --> 00:03:42,575
and it made it possible to work out
where soldiers at American military

60
00:03:42,575 --> 00:03:44,575
bases had been jogging.

61
00:03:44,575 --> 00:03:47,615
So the data came from a company
called Strava, and it's used

62
00:03:47,615 --> 00:03:50,415
by Fitbits and smartphones
and so on to log exercise,

63
00:03:50,415 --> 00:03:52,815
and they released this
heat map of activity.

64
00:03:52,815 --> 00:03:55,735
But it was a huge problem for places
like Afghanistan and Syria

65
00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:59,856
because the Army had given away
2,500 of these Fitbits

66
00:03:59,856 --> 00:04:02,376
as part of an exercise plan
to get people moving.

67
00:04:02,376 --> 00:04:04,256
And everybody could work out
where they were!

68
00:04:04,256 --> 00:04:06,656
"Guys, you've got to stay secret,
absolutely secret."

69
00:04:06,656 --> 00:04:08,616
Wow. "But here is this GPS."

70
00:04:08,616 --> 00:04:10,136
Cariad, let's have a look.

71
00:04:10,136 --> 00:04:12,216
You've got a briefcase as well.

72
00:04:12,216 --> 00:04:15,336
See what's in yours. I feel like
the really cool kid at school.

73
00:04:15,336 --> 00:04:19,257
"Brought my own briefcase, guys."
Oh! What have you got?

74
00:04:19,257 --> 00:04:21,497
I have got some moustaches. Ooh.

75
00:04:21,497 --> 00:04:23,097
Which one do you think suits you?

76
00:04:23,097 --> 00:04:24,617
Well, there's some here...

77
00:04:24,617 --> 00:04:27,737
There's the smarty, the
rogue, the scoundrel,

78
00:04:27,737 --> 00:04:29,217
Casanova, party boy.

79
00:04:29,217 --> 00:04:30,617
I think I'm a party boy.

80
00:04:30,617 --> 00:04:34,257
But then, what about
the Frida Kahlo? Oh, Frida Kahlo.

81
00:04:34,257 --> 00:04:35,817
That's very good. Oh, nice.

82
00:04:35,817 --> 00:04:37,817
The monobrow.

83
00:04:37,817 --> 00:04:40,618
The top really sells it as well.
Yeah, that's what I thought.

84
00:04:40,618 --> 00:04:42,338
Yeah. I'd seen a monkey.

85
00:04:42,338 --> 00:04:45,458
You would not draw attention
to yourself at all if you had that.

86
00:04:45,458 --> 00:04:49,058
A lot of people look like that
in Wetherspoons.

87
00:04:49,058 --> 00:04:50,378
So, this is a true story.

88
00:04:50,378 --> 00:04:52,858
In 2008, an MI6 officer
appeared on The One Show

89
00:04:52,858 --> 00:04:56,338
to talk about recruitment, and
he was wearing a false moustache.

90
00:04:56,338 --> 00:04:58,658
No! And it fell off
during the segment.

91
00:04:58,658 --> 00:05:02,459
So the studio lights had weakened
the glue and the interviewer

92
00:05:02,459 --> 00:05:05,099
eventually had to point out
that it was peeling off.

93
00:05:05,099 --> 00:05:07,739
And he replied,
"I was worried that might happen."

94
00:05:07,739 --> 00:05:10,139
And he put it in his pocket
for the rest of the interview.

95
00:05:10,139 --> 00:05:12,939
They edited that bit out and it was
obscured in the final programme,

96
00:05:12,939 --> 00:05:14,499
so the viewers didn't know about it.

97
00:05:14,499 --> 00:05:16,299
But don't you think
that's marvellous?

98
00:05:16,299 --> 00:05:19,339
James, you've got a briefcase.
Let's have a look at your briefcase.

99
00:05:19,339 --> 00:05:22,180
What have you got in there?
I genuinely can't open it.

100
00:05:22,180 --> 00:05:25,380
CARIAD: Don't pretend you didn't
have a briefcase at school!

101
00:05:25,380 --> 00:05:26,860
James has got loads of briefcases!

102
00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:29,460
CARIAD: He's like, "Oh, how does
this work?" Oh, yeah.

103
00:05:29,460 --> 00:05:30,740
Hold on a sec.

104
00:05:30,740 --> 00:05:33,340
I think I've changed
the combination.

105
00:05:34,820 --> 00:05:36,660
I'm going for 007.

106
00:05:36,660 --> 00:05:38,740
Yeah. Hold on.
I'm putting on gloves...

107
00:05:38,740 --> 00:05:41,261
I'm not saying that
your career as a spy is over,

108
00:05:41,261 --> 00:05:43,421
I just think...
I reckon this is broke.

109
00:05:43,421 --> 00:05:45,621
Push it here. Yeah.
I've got gloves on now.

110
00:05:45,621 --> 00:05:48,981
OK. I really hope, I really hope
you can't do this first time.

111
00:05:50,861 --> 00:05:52,421
Let's have a go.

112
00:05:52,421 --> 00:05:54,141
CLICK!

113
00:05:55,741 --> 00:05:57,581
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

114
00:05:59,181 --> 00:06:00,941
LAUGHTER

115
00:06:03,902 --> 00:06:07,342
And with rubber gloves on, James!
Rubber gloves! I know, right?!

116
00:06:09,302 --> 00:06:11,142
What is it? Is it worth it?
What have you got?

117
00:06:11,142 --> 00:06:12,782
It's empty.

118
00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:17,702
I have... Yes. ..a notebook.

119
00:06:17,702 --> 00:06:21,262
Oh, no, a passport and some staples.
OK.

120
00:06:21,262 --> 00:06:22,863
Are the staples meant to be in here?

121
00:06:22,863 --> 00:06:25,863
Yes. They are. So, they go together,
the passport and the staples.

122
00:06:25,863 --> 00:06:27,863
What do you reckon?

123
00:06:27,863 --> 00:06:31,063
I think that if you're a spy...

124
00:06:31,063 --> 00:06:33,583
Yes. ..and you don't want people
finding out your identity,

125
00:06:33,583 --> 00:06:35,383
you staple your passport together.

126
00:06:35,383 --> 00:06:38,383
And then they can't open it
and find out who you are.

127
00:06:38,383 --> 00:06:40,943
Genius! Well, here's the thing.

128
00:06:40,943 --> 00:06:45,024
For years, the Soviet Union was able
to catch spies due to staples.

129
00:06:45,024 --> 00:06:48,224
So, American staples
are made of stainless steel,

130
00:06:48,224 --> 00:06:49,904
they are not in the Soviet Union.

131
00:06:49,904 --> 00:06:52,624
And that meant the Soviet Union ones
rusted over time,

132
00:06:52,624 --> 00:06:54,344
due to moisture in the air.

133
00:06:54,344 --> 00:06:56,024
And so, official Soviet passports

134
00:06:56,024 --> 00:06:59,144
were stained around the staple,
brown. Wow! Passports forged

135
00:06:59,144 --> 00:07:00,984
in the United States by their agents

136
00:07:00,984 --> 00:07:03,945
did not have rust stains, and
that would make people suspicious.

137
00:07:03,945 --> 00:07:05,465
Ah! That's amazing!

138
00:07:05,465 --> 00:07:09,025
It's very cool, isn't it? REALLY
cool! Right, Alan, your briefcase.

139
00:07:09,025 --> 00:07:11,625
Do you need help or do you think
you'll be able to open it?

140
00:07:11,625 --> 00:07:15,585
No, I don't! Really difficult, Alan.
Take your time.

141
00:07:15,585 --> 00:07:17,385
Oh, straight away!
First time, James!

142
00:07:17,385 --> 00:07:19,745
LAUGHTER

143
00:07:19,745 --> 00:07:21,545
Here's the REALLY annoying thing.

144
00:07:21,545 --> 00:07:23,985
I can't close this now...!

145
00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:28,066
What have you got, darling? I've got
loads of fabric. It's laundry.

146
00:07:28,066 --> 00:07:30,106
It's laundry. So laundry and spying.

147
00:07:30,106 --> 00:07:32,306
How would you think that
goes together?

148
00:07:32,306 --> 00:07:35,226
Hide in the laundry basket,
like they do in cartoons.

149
00:07:35,226 --> 00:07:38,066
You can sew things into things,
Sandi, you could sew things

150
00:07:38,066 --> 00:07:40,186
into garments. Secret messages.
You could. Yes.

151
00:07:40,186 --> 00:07:42,986
There are lots of stories actually
to do with laundry and spying.

152
00:07:42,986 --> 00:07:45,267
So during World War I,
Frieda Lawrence, who was married

153
00:07:45,267 --> 00:07:48,107
to DH Lawrence, she lived with
her husband on the Cornish coast,

154
00:07:48,107 --> 00:07:50,987
and she came under suspicion
because she was rather exacting

155
00:07:50,987 --> 00:07:52,467
about hanging her laundry out.

156
00:07:52,467 --> 00:07:53,867
And it was thought that she was

157
00:07:53,867 --> 00:07:57,067
hanging it on the line in a specific
way to give messages to U-boats.

158
00:07:57,067 --> 00:07:59,387
It didn't help that
she was German, OK?

159
00:07:59,387 --> 00:08:02,467
Her father was Baron von Richthofen.
Not the famous one,

160
00:08:02,467 --> 00:08:04,667
but another Baron von Richthofen.
There's so many.

161
00:08:04,667 --> 00:08:07,308
And she received deliveries
of German newspapers every day,

162
00:08:07,308 --> 00:08:09,948
so they were just a little bit,
you know, suspicious.

163
00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:12,828
They were given a military exclusion
order and made to leave the area.

164
00:08:12,828 --> 00:08:15,148
Was she hanging up, like,
duvet covers

165
00:08:15,148 --> 00:08:17,428
with "attack at midnight"
written on them?

166
00:08:17,428 --> 00:08:20,588
Well... "The base" and an arrow!

167
00:08:20,588 --> 00:08:23,828
"Go that way!"
It's not a completely ludicrous

168
00:08:23,828 --> 00:08:26,669
suspicion, James, because
during the American Civil War,

169
00:08:26,669 --> 00:08:29,749
there was an African-American called
Dabney, and he got a job as a cook

170
00:08:29,749 --> 00:08:31,069
at the Union headquarters.

171
00:08:31,069 --> 00:08:33,469
And at the same time,
his wife worked as a laundress

172
00:08:33,469 --> 00:08:35,909
for a Confederate general,
and she would listen

173
00:08:35,909 --> 00:08:38,469
to the Confederate plans
and then she would signal

174
00:08:38,469 --> 00:08:40,309
to her husband
using the washing line.

175
00:08:40,309 --> 00:08:42,749
So, you know, that grey shirt
is "Long Street",

176
00:08:42,749 --> 00:08:45,589
and when she takes it off,
it means he's gone down here.

177
00:08:45,589 --> 00:08:48,790
So it absolutely has form,
people using laundry.

178
00:08:48,790 --> 00:08:50,790
But poor old Frieda Lawrence.

179
00:08:50,790 --> 00:08:52,910
What's so secret about this?

180
00:08:54,030 --> 00:08:58,790
Um, is it, like,
a very low-budget, like, Bond pen?

181
00:08:58,790 --> 00:09:00,590
It is the pen itself. Ah!

182
00:09:00,590 --> 00:09:03,550
Yes, it is the pen itself that
we are interested in.

183
00:09:03,550 --> 00:09:09,231
This is a ballpoint pen. It was kept
secret from the Chinese, for years.

184
00:09:09,231 --> 00:09:12,071
Is it something about the way that
the ink works in a ballpoint pen?

185
00:09:12,071 --> 00:09:13,311
It's sort of to do with that.

186
00:09:13,311 --> 00:09:15,991
It's to do with the actual
manufacturer of the ballpoint pen.

187
00:09:15,991 --> 00:09:17,791
So, until 2017, so,
fairly recently,

188
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:21,471
although China supplied
80% of the world's ballpoint pens,

189
00:09:21,471 --> 00:09:23,391
it was importing the pen tips,

190
00:09:23,391 --> 00:09:26,071
because it didn't know how
to make them.

191
00:09:26,071 --> 00:09:28,912
The ballpoint pen needs
to hold a ball in a socket,

192
00:09:28,912 --> 00:09:31,232
and that's what
connects it to the inkwell.

193
00:09:31,232 --> 00:09:32,672
So you can see - it is a steel ball,

194
00:09:32,672 --> 00:09:34,752
capable of writing for about 800
metres, I think,

195
00:09:34,752 --> 00:09:37,072
and it was a closely
guarded trade secret,

196
00:09:37,072 --> 00:09:40,352
and China simply had neither
a machine capable of making

197
00:09:40,352 --> 00:09:44,032
the ball small enough, or the right
type of steel that wouldn't crack

198
00:09:44,032 --> 00:09:47,352
when it was cut, and in 2015,
China's Premier, Keqiang, went to

199
00:09:47,352 --> 00:09:49,793
a seminar in Beijing and complained
that this was the big thing.

200
00:09:49,793 --> 00:09:54,073
"The real situation facing us is
that we cannot make ballpoint pens

201
00:09:54,073 --> 00:09:55,633
"with a smooth writing function."

202
00:09:55,633 --> 00:09:57,553
And they thought that
the day they could,

203
00:09:57,553 --> 00:09:59,393
that would make China
a world-class place.

204
00:09:59,393 --> 00:10:02,633
I don't see how you can
reverse engineer an iPhone,

205
00:10:02,633 --> 00:10:04,833
but not a ballpoint pen!

206
00:10:04,833 --> 00:10:07,513
It's actually an extraordinary
thing, but it's that small,

207
00:10:07,513 --> 00:10:10,794
and it doesn't crack, it's the right
kind of steel, and it'll accept

208
00:10:10,794 --> 00:10:14,194
the ink, and so on. They can
now do it, just to let you know.

209
00:10:14,194 --> 00:10:16,314
It took five years
of intense research.

210
00:10:16,314 --> 00:10:17,594
What were they doing wrong?

211
00:10:17,594 --> 00:10:20,794
Did they have a massive
ball at the end?

212
00:10:20,794 --> 00:10:22,714
"We've made one, but it's enormous!"

213
00:10:22,714 --> 00:10:27,474
No, Chen Ping, it's no good. Go back
to the drawing board! Start again!"

214
00:10:27,474 --> 00:10:31,035
Get it down to a tennis ball size.
"Will this do?"

215
00:10:31,035 --> 00:10:33,595
But doesn't that, because you never
really think about it, do you?

216
00:10:33,595 --> 00:10:35,035
This tiny little ball of steel.

217
00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:37,515
OK, now, you've got
a fully functioning Biro,

218
00:10:37,515 --> 00:10:39,715
what do you need
if you want to write a...

219
00:10:39,715 --> 00:10:41,155
Paper!

220
00:10:41,155 --> 00:10:42,955
BLAST OF "AUSTIN POWERS" THEME

221
00:10:42,955 --> 00:10:44,515
LAUGHTER

222
00:10:44,515 --> 00:10:46,435
Paper!

223
00:10:46,435 --> 00:10:49,355
No, I want to add a secret message!
Invisible ink.

224
00:10:49,355 --> 00:10:51,476
Invisible ink, exactly right!

225
00:10:51,476 --> 00:10:53,676
This is a true story.
In 2019, there was

226
00:10:53,676 --> 00:10:57,316
a student at university in Japan
who got full marks on her essay.

227
00:10:57,316 --> 00:10:59,396
She was writing about ninja history,

228
00:10:59,396 --> 00:11:02,716
and she handed it in with
invisible ink made from soybeans.

229
00:11:02,716 --> 00:11:04,996
What a ninja thing to do!
It IS a ninja thing to do.

230
00:11:04,996 --> 00:11:08,316
She's like, "Boom!" "I got this!"
"Give me the degree. I am a ninja!"

231
00:11:08,316 --> 00:11:10,596
It was the ninja museum of Iga-Ryu,

232
00:11:10,596 --> 00:11:13,157
and it is the ninja art
of aburidashi.

233
00:11:13,157 --> 00:11:15,437
You can't get into
the museum, though.

234
00:11:15,437 --> 00:11:16,957
You can't find it. Impossible.

235
00:11:16,957 --> 00:11:18,997
They send you a ticket
to get in and it's just...

236
00:11:18,997 --> 00:11:21,197
Nothing. You can't read it.
Get to the door, someone throws

237
00:11:21,197 --> 00:11:23,037
a shuriken in at your head.
It's very difficult.

238
00:11:23,037 --> 00:11:25,397
She sent her professor a message
with the essay saying,

239
00:11:25,397 --> 00:11:27,917
"Heat this paper up on a stove,"
and he did.

240
00:11:27,917 --> 00:11:29,877
Did anybody ever do that as a kid?
We used to write...

241
00:11:29,877 --> 00:11:31,797
Lemon juice.
..lemon juice, yes.

242
00:11:31,797 --> 00:11:33,438
Secret messages in lemon juice.

243
00:11:33,438 --> 00:11:35,118
You can also use urine...

244
00:11:35,118 --> 00:11:36,678
LAUGHTER

245
00:11:36,678 --> 00:11:38,878
It's lower budget...!

246
00:11:38,878 --> 00:11:41,878
If you want to do it again,
you can use piss, actually!

247
00:11:41,878 --> 00:11:44,278
You don't have to waste your lemons.

248
00:11:44,278 --> 00:11:47,438
Make it a love letter!
Send it to your betrothed.

249
00:11:47,438 --> 00:11:50,958
"Heat this up!"
"Mm, definitely from him! Mm!"

250
00:11:50,958 --> 00:11:52,638
Can you imagine? Semen, darling?

251
00:11:52,638 --> 00:11:54,119
Semen as well? Yeah.

252
00:11:54,119 --> 00:11:57,879
I tell you what, though, if that's
a long letter, you're impressed.

253
00:11:57,879 --> 00:11:59,599
LAUGHTER

254
00:12:01,479 --> 00:12:03,599
Really? How many pages, James?

255
00:12:03,599 --> 00:12:05,839
"You've written a book?!"

256
00:12:05,839 --> 00:12:08,079
"And you're telling me
none of this was written in piss.

257
00:12:08,079 --> 00:12:09,919
"I'm impressed!"

258
00:12:09,919 --> 00:12:12,399
So, invisible ink not the only way
to send secret messages.

259
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:14,120
You can also do it with eggs.

260
00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:15,480
Does anybody know how?

261
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:17,720
Oh, the egg white.
Is it the egg white?

262
00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:20,080
No, with an actual egg,
so, send somebody an egg.

263
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:22,600
And it's got a secret message,
but how?

264
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:24,360
You can see - nothing written.

265
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:26,680
Do you have to put it
in something, like, liquid?

266
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:29,080
So, it was a 16th century Italian
scholar

267
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:31,440
called Giambattista della Porta,

268
00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:33,680
and he was really
interested in cryptography,

269
00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:35,801
he was known as
the Professor of Secrets,

270
00:12:35,801 --> 00:12:38,041
and he used to use eggs
to send messages.

271
00:12:38,041 --> 00:12:43,081
So, what it is is, you leave the egg
in vinegar for four hours, OK?

272
00:12:43,081 --> 00:12:44,881
This softens the shell.

273
00:12:44,881 --> 00:12:48,121
Then you make a tiny little
incision in the shell.

274
00:12:48,121 --> 00:12:51,361
You slot a small message through
the incision so that the paper sits

275
00:12:51,361 --> 00:12:53,721
basically between the shell
and the egg white,

276
00:12:53,721 --> 00:12:56,762
you then repair the cut,
using some plant gum or something,

277
00:12:56,762 --> 00:12:58,602
and put the egg
back into cold water,

278
00:12:58,602 --> 00:13:02,762
and that will harden the shell
again. So let me show you.

279
00:13:04,402 --> 00:13:10,042
OK, like that. And in here is
a message that says...

280
00:13:11,042 --> 00:13:14,242
Oh, wow!
Isn't that great? Wow!

281
00:13:14,242 --> 00:13:15,683
That is really cool!

282
00:13:15,683 --> 00:13:18,683
Yeah! That is so cool!
That is so cool, isn't it?

283
00:13:18,683 --> 00:13:22,123
And he discovered that in 1584.

284
00:13:22,123 --> 00:13:24,363
If you don't have egg white, you can
just fill an egg with semen,

285
00:13:24,363 --> 00:13:26,563
I think, it's the same thing.

286
00:13:26,563 --> 00:13:28,843
It's quite a long way
to send a message, isn't it?

287
00:13:28,843 --> 00:13:30,283
Yes, but here's the thing.

288
00:13:30,283 --> 00:13:32,083
When people are having
food deliveries and so on,

289
00:13:32,083 --> 00:13:33,323
if you're having eggs delivered,

290
00:13:33,323 --> 00:13:34,883
nobody's going to go
and check all the eggs!

291
00:13:34,883 --> 00:13:36,884
That's like,
do you know Josephine Baker?

292
00:13:36,884 --> 00:13:39,044
She was a marvellous spy.
She was a brilliant spy,

293
00:13:39,044 --> 00:13:40,604
and it was all in the musical notes.

294
00:13:40,604 --> 00:13:43,404
So when she was living in Paris she
would just carry her music around

295
00:13:43,404 --> 00:13:45,364
and if she was stopped,
it would just look like music

296
00:13:45,364 --> 00:13:46,524
but it was in the,

297
00:13:46,524 --> 00:13:49,924
the notes were spelling out
messages for the Resistance.

298
00:13:49,924 --> 00:13:53,084
How would you use this
to send a secret message?

299
00:13:53,084 --> 00:13:55,244
That's going to need a big egg!

300
00:13:55,244 --> 00:13:57,445
LAUGHTER

301
00:13:57,445 --> 00:13:59,685
Someone would know the cypher.

302
00:13:59,685 --> 00:14:01,605
So, E = B...

303
00:14:01,605 --> 00:14:03,165
You don't need to know anything.

304
00:14:03,165 --> 00:14:05,525
Oh, is it the way you fold it?
Does it then make a message?

305
00:14:05,525 --> 00:14:08,205
It is the way you wrap
it around something. Wow!

306
00:14:08,205 --> 00:14:09,285
It's called a scytale.

307
00:14:09,285 --> 00:14:11,565
It's an ancient Greek way
to hide messages.

308
00:14:11,565 --> 00:14:14,925
All it required was that the person
sending and the person receiving

309
00:14:14,925 --> 00:14:17,646
had the same size stick.
That's cool.

310
00:14:17,646 --> 00:14:19,126
And then you would just send this,

311
00:14:19,126 --> 00:14:20,806
which could be wrapped up
quite small

312
00:14:20,806 --> 00:14:25,366
and you wrap it around like this
and it says,

313
00:14:25,366 --> 00:14:27,566
"This is a scytale."

314
00:14:27,566 --> 00:14:28,766
Isn't it clever?

315
00:14:28,766 --> 00:14:30,286
That's very clever. I know.

316
00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:32,406
I'd love it if you got it
and that was the message.

317
00:14:32,406 --> 00:14:36,686
And then you just had to reply,
"I know what a scytale is!

318
00:14:36,686 --> 00:14:38,567
"It was my idea to use 'em!

319
00:14:38,567 --> 00:14:40,487
"Can you please stick to the plan?

320
00:14:40,487 --> 00:14:42,847
"We're trying to
bring down a government here!

321
00:14:42,847 --> 00:14:45,767
"I don't need you to tell me what
the equipment is that we used!"

322
00:14:45,767 --> 00:14:47,847
Wow, this is so cool, right?

323
00:14:47,847 --> 00:14:49,647
The rest of it just is gibberish.

324
00:14:49,647 --> 00:14:51,807
It would take you a while to work
out. It also says...

325
00:14:51,807 --> 00:14:53,767
SHE MUMBLES GIBBERISH

326
00:14:53,767 --> 00:14:56,367
That's the Danish version.
It IS the Danish version!

327
00:14:56,367 --> 00:14:57,647
PHONE RINGS

328
00:14:57,647 --> 00:15:00,888
Oh, sorry, I'll just get out
my handkerchief.

329
00:15:02,848 --> 00:15:05,128
Er, hello? Yes?

330
00:15:05,128 --> 00:15:07,888
No. No, Moneypenny, I've told you
not to ring me at work.

331
00:15:07,888 --> 00:15:09,968
Yeah.

332
00:15:09,968 --> 00:15:11,528
OK. The Banker?

333
00:15:11,528 --> 00:15:13,528
LAUGHTER

334
00:15:15,208 --> 00:15:17,848
Who would use a secure phone
like this?

335
00:15:17,848 --> 00:15:20,969
Commissioner Gordon.
Commissioner Gordon!

336
00:15:20,969 --> 00:15:24,049
That's such a good reference.
Anybody else? Who would use...?

337
00:15:24,049 --> 00:15:28,329
Again, this is a totally
unnecessary Chaponda back story!

338
00:15:28,329 --> 00:15:32,009
But we needed one of those
because we were always bugged.

339
00:15:32,009 --> 00:15:36,849
Right. And the reason I know this
is, in Kenya, the Malawi ambassador

340
00:15:36,849 --> 00:15:40,210
happened to be a high-school
friend of my mum,

341
00:15:40,210 --> 00:15:43,530
and gave my mum
a bunch of my dad's secrets.

342
00:15:43,530 --> 00:15:45,290
Really?! Yeah.

343
00:15:45,290 --> 00:15:48,090
When you say secrets, like...

344
00:15:48,090 --> 00:15:50,970
He's been "calling this woman",
what's going on? Oh, secrets!

345
00:15:50,970 --> 00:15:52,610
Yes. Wow!

346
00:15:52,610 --> 00:15:54,970
Have you ever had therapy,
because...?

347
00:15:54,970 --> 00:15:58,650
Is it too late to bring up?
My dad is the Mayor of Kettering.

348
00:16:00,130 --> 00:16:02,091
On numerous occasions,

349
00:16:02,091 --> 00:16:04,331
people have tried to push him over,

350
00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:07,731
and I had to meet a spy
in a Harvester once.

351
00:16:09,691 --> 00:16:11,731
And, let me tell you, he looked

352
00:16:11,731 --> 00:16:15,731
more like a bass player
in a prog band, this man.

353
00:16:17,051 --> 00:16:20,531
You were OK, though? And I DO
go to therapy, just so you know.

354
00:16:20,531 --> 00:16:24,332
So, who might have had
a red telephone? A head of state?

355
00:16:24,332 --> 00:16:25,972
Yeah. President?

356
00:16:25,972 --> 00:16:29,372
So, the one that we normally think
of is the US and Russia hotline.

357
00:16:29,372 --> 00:16:31,132
It was often called
the red telephone.

358
00:16:31,132 --> 00:16:33,652
It was neither red nor a telephone.
What?! Yeah, I know.

359
00:16:33,652 --> 00:16:35,732
I'm destroying things for you!
What?!

360
00:16:35,732 --> 00:16:39,012
So June 1963, we'd just
had the Cuban Missile Crisis,

361
00:16:39,012 --> 00:16:41,492
and it took 12 hours at
that time to get messages

362
00:16:41,492 --> 00:16:42,653
backwards and forwards.

363
00:16:42,653 --> 00:16:45,773
They agreed to establish a sort of
direct form of communication.

364
00:16:45,773 --> 00:16:49,493
The very first message sent
by the Americans in August 1963

365
00:16:49,493 --> 00:16:52,933
read, "The quick brown fox jumped
over the lazy dog's back.

366
00:16:52,933 --> 00:16:55,973
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 0."

367
00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:57,813
You had to wrap it round a stick!

368
00:16:57,813 --> 00:16:59,413
Why would they send that?

369
00:16:59,413 --> 00:17:01,853
Because it has every letter
in the world. Uses every letter!

370
00:17:01,853 --> 00:17:03,214
Yeah. Which is called? Oh!

371
00:17:03,214 --> 00:17:04,734
The alphabet.

372
00:17:04,734 --> 00:17:06,094
LAUGHTER

373
00:17:07,334 --> 00:17:10,134
They were trying to show that
they could send all the letters

374
00:17:10,134 --> 00:17:12,334
and that they could actually
communicate directly, because,

375
00:17:12,334 --> 00:17:13,734
in fact, the system consisted not

376
00:17:13,734 --> 00:17:15,654
of telephones,
but of teletype machines.

377
00:17:15,654 --> 00:17:18,414
So there were four teletype
machines in Moscow, four more in

378
00:17:18,414 --> 00:17:21,334
the Soviet embassy in Washington,
and the message was sent over

379
00:17:21,334 --> 00:17:23,655
a 10,000-mile-long
transatlantic cable.

380
00:17:23,655 --> 00:17:26,295
Why is it called the red telephone,
if there's no red telephone?!

381
00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:27,975
It maybe just sounds better.

382
00:17:27,975 --> 00:17:32,215
The 1971 system updated
the use of a satellite connection,

383
00:17:32,215 --> 00:17:35,335
and, most recently, they've
upgraded to a fibre optic link

384
00:17:35,335 --> 00:17:38,975
allowing both email and finally
talking, but only recently. Wow.

385
00:17:38,975 --> 00:17:42,135
There were red secure telephones
in the UK. They were introduced

386
00:17:42,135 --> 00:17:45,096
in the 1950s. Oh! This, and that's
why I was so careful touching it,

387
00:17:45,096 --> 00:17:48,496
is a real Pickwick phone.
It's been lent to us by GCHQ. Wow!

388
00:17:48,496 --> 00:17:50,376
So the Pickwick system was in place

389
00:17:50,376 --> 00:17:53,656
and used during the Cuban Missile
Crisis for secure communication,

390
00:17:53,656 --> 00:17:56,176
but it was between the then
Prime Minister, Harold Macmillan,

391
00:17:56,176 --> 00:17:57,376
and President Kennedy.

392
00:17:57,376 --> 00:17:59,856
And basically this would attach
to the cypher unit and that sort of

393
00:17:59,856 --> 00:18:02,376
mashed up the speech
and prevented eavesdroppers from

394
00:18:02,376 --> 00:18:04,897
understanding what was going on.
What I like is the British Army,

395
00:18:04,897 --> 00:18:06,337
they thought this
is the way to do it.

396
00:18:06,337 --> 00:18:08,697
They used to hire operators
with strong regional accents

397
00:18:08,697 --> 00:18:10,937
so that if anybody was
eavesdropping, they thought,

398
00:18:10,937 --> 00:18:13,417
"Well, they'll never understand
what they bloody said!"

399
00:18:13,417 --> 00:18:17,537
IN WELSH ACCENT: Listen, we're
going to invade at 20 past 5, OK?

400
00:18:17,537 --> 00:18:20,097
And it's going to be, oh,
it's going to go mad, I tell you!

401
00:18:20,097 --> 00:18:22,897
Everyone's going to be kicking off,
you're not going to believe it!

402
00:18:22,897 --> 00:18:26,458
Understand? All right? Ta, bye.
All right, bye, bye, bye.

403
00:18:26,458 --> 00:18:29,498
You wouldn't know. You'd
have no idea what was going on.

404
00:18:29,498 --> 00:18:32,738
Even Welsh people! We do have,
and I think this is seriously cool,

405
00:18:32,738 --> 00:18:34,298
we have another secure phone.

406
00:18:34,298 --> 00:18:36,698
It's just over on the table
cos I don't want to touch it.

407
00:18:36,698 --> 00:18:38,018
It's also incredibly heavy.

408
00:18:38,018 --> 00:18:41,178
It's called Brahms, and it is
a portable, secure line

409
00:18:41,178 --> 00:18:42,698
that comes in a suitcase.

410
00:18:42,698 --> 00:18:45,138
And this is the one that
was used by Margaret Thatcher

411
00:18:45,138 --> 00:18:47,419
during the Falklands War.

412
00:18:47,419 --> 00:18:49,379
Wow. Wow. This is very cool,
isn't it?

413
00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:51,979
She was able to open it,
James, which was nice.

414
00:18:51,979 --> 00:18:55,939
We are joined virtually now
by Dr David Abrutat,

415
00:18:55,939 --> 00:18:58,939
GCHQ's Departmental Historian.

416
00:18:58,939 --> 00:19:03,379
Dr David is one of a very few number
of GCHQ employees to be avowed.

417
00:19:03,379 --> 00:19:06,139
What does that mean, David,
you are avowed?

418
00:19:06,139 --> 00:19:09,540
Essentially it means
I'm publicly known,

419
00:19:09,540 --> 00:19:13,300
and, as the department's historian,
my role's to tell the story

420
00:19:13,300 --> 00:19:16,620
of our organisation's history
over the last 100 years.

421
00:19:16,620 --> 00:19:19,660
So, tell me, the one I want
to hear about is, there was

422
00:19:19,660 --> 00:19:23,220
a secret line called Sigsaly.
Can you tell me about Sigsaly?

423
00:19:23,220 --> 00:19:27,180
During the Second World War,
the British and American governments

424
00:19:27,180 --> 00:19:30,541
needed to talk frequently
on a secure line.

425
00:19:30,541 --> 00:19:35,661
And in November 1942, GCHQ's
Alan Turing went over on a liaison

426
00:19:35,661 --> 00:19:39,621
visit to the States, to the Bell
Laboratories, who were researching

427
00:19:39,621 --> 00:19:42,541
and developing a new secure
communications system,

428
00:19:42,541 --> 00:19:44,021
which was called Sigsaly.

429
00:19:44,021 --> 00:19:47,301
And it was an absolute monster,
it weighed 50 tonnes.

430
00:19:47,301 --> 00:19:49,582
It included 40 racks of equipment

431
00:19:49,582 --> 00:19:52,782
and drew something like
30 kilowatts of power.

432
00:19:52,782 --> 00:19:56,702
And it was certainly known
by the users as the Green Hornet

433
00:19:56,702 --> 00:19:59,982
because of its irritating
buzzing noise on the line.

434
00:19:59,982 --> 00:20:05,262
And the first Sigsaly was installed
in the Pentagon in the States,

435
00:20:05,262 --> 00:20:09,303
and the second was installed
in the basement of Selfridges

436
00:20:09,303 --> 00:20:10,703
in Oxford Street,

437
00:20:10,703 --> 00:20:15,703
so certainly on the first trial run
on July 15th 1943, Winston Churchill

438
00:20:15,703 --> 00:20:19,183
was using this piece of equipment
in the basement

439
00:20:19,183 --> 00:20:21,903
of Selfridges
before they put in extension lines

440
00:20:21,903 --> 00:20:25,143
to 10 Downing Street,
if the rumours are true.

441
00:20:25,143 --> 00:20:27,703
Fantastic. Alan, did you want
to ask anything?

442
00:20:27,703 --> 00:20:31,064
Well, I've seen Thatcher's
briefcase, and I just wondered,

443
00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:34,024
did she take it on holiday?
Did she carry it herself?

444
00:20:34,024 --> 00:20:36,424
DR ABRUTAT: Did Margaret Thatcher
ever go on holiday?

445
00:20:36,424 --> 00:20:38,264
ALAN: Perhaps not!

446
00:20:38,264 --> 00:20:42,424
DR ABRUTAT: The briefcase phone
you've got is called Brahms,

447
00:20:42,424 --> 00:20:45,384
which was developed in
the early 1980s, and it was used

448
00:20:45,384 --> 00:20:48,944
by the British Prime Minister
Margaret Thatcher, at the time,

449
00:20:48,944 --> 00:20:51,825
during the Falklands conflict,
to communicate securely

450
00:20:51,825 --> 00:20:55,945
with her Cabinet and to the senior
military officers of the time.

451
00:20:55,945 --> 00:20:57,465
Well, it's been fascinating.

452
00:20:57,465 --> 00:20:59,945
I don't know if you send love
to everybody at GCHQ!

453
00:20:59,945 --> 00:21:02,025
I send love to everyone at GCHQ.

454
00:21:02,025 --> 00:21:04,825
And thank you very much,
Dr David Abrutat.

455
00:21:04,825 --> 00:21:07,745
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you.

456
00:21:07,745 --> 00:21:10,105
Now, complete this sentence.

457
00:21:10,105 --> 00:21:15,306
If you're invited to a penetration
party, it's best to practise safe...

458
00:21:19,586 --> 00:21:21,786
Safe words.

459
00:21:21,786 --> 00:21:24,266
In case things get hairy.
That's very...

460
00:21:24,266 --> 00:21:26,026
And I'm worried that you know that!

461
00:21:28,946 --> 00:21:30,666
What are they penetrating?

462
00:21:30,666 --> 00:21:32,187
That's the question.

463
00:21:32,187 --> 00:21:35,147
Is it a person? No, it isn't.
Thank goodness for that.

464
00:21:35,147 --> 00:21:37,787
You are best to practise
safe cracking.

465
00:21:37,787 --> 00:21:41,027
Penetration party
is a perfectly innocent phrase

466
00:21:41,027 --> 00:21:42,747
used by safe crackers to describe

467
00:21:42,747 --> 00:21:46,667
an all-night event
where they practise opening safes.

468
00:21:46,667 --> 00:21:48,867
Wow! And it was invented
by accident,

469
00:21:48,867 --> 00:21:51,467
so there was a safe cracker
who was called Dave McOmie.

470
00:21:51,467 --> 00:21:53,668
He's a bit of a legend,
this guy, OK. He edits

471
00:21:53,668 --> 00:21:56,188
the International
Safecracker magazine.

472
00:21:56,188 --> 00:21:59,388
Wow. He looks exactly like
I thought he would.

473
00:22:00,668 --> 00:22:03,068
That's not even him.
That's a general look, frankly.

474
00:22:03,068 --> 00:22:05,348
Can we talk about the guy
in the background

475
00:22:05,348 --> 00:22:06,868
with the orange back support?

476
00:22:06,868 --> 00:22:08,828
Yeah, that is worrying, isn't it?

477
00:22:08,828 --> 00:22:10,308
I really want to be in the shot

478
00:22:10,308 --> 00:22:12,668
where he was buying that
back support, going,

479
00:22:12,668 --> 00:22:15,069
"I'm going to
a penetration party later.

480
00:22:15,069 --> 00:22:17,629
"I'm going to need
a back support for it.

481
00:22:17,629 --> 00:22:21,429
"Just the best one you've got.
It's a big penetration party.

482
00:22:21,429 --> 00:22:25,229
"A lot of guys." "This one
comes with a free matching cap."

483
00:22:25,229 --> 00:22:26,749
"Oh, perfect!"

484
00:22:26,749 --> 00:22:29,669
He's the only one with the
headphones on! Who's he talking to?

485
00:22:29,669 --> 00:22:31,549
There's someone in the safe.

486
00:22:31,549 --> 00:22:35,070
IN MUFFLED VOICE: "I'm inside now.
Are wearing the back support? Over."

487
00:22:35,070 --> 00:22:38,310
"Yeah, but I'm the only one.
I'm standing out."

488
00:22:38,310 --> 00:22:41,830
So they were at a convention
in Philadelphia and one

489
00:22:41,830 --> 00:22:44,070
of the attendees mentioned
that he had a warehouse

490
00:22:44,070 --> 00:22:46,510
filled with about 80 safes,
which all needed opening.

491
00:22:46,510 --> 00:22:49,310
So they decided to do
a masterclass with these 80 things.

492
00:22:49,310 --> 00:22:50,950
Everybody got their equipment.

493
00:22:50,950 --> 00:22:53,390
They spent all night,
all night working on the safes.

494
00:22:53,390 --> 00:22:55,551
They managed to open
every single one of them.

495
00:22:55,551 --> 00:22:58,191
And now it's become a thing.
People have penetration parties.

496
00:22:58,191 --> 00:23:00,791
But how WOULD you open the safe?
Do you know the different ways?

497
00:23:00,791 --> 00:23:03,631
No idea. Twice I've moved house,

498
00:23:03,631 --> 00:23:07,231
and there's been a safe, big safe,
in the house I couldn't get in.

499
00:23:07,231 --> 00:23:09,431
And the second time
it happened to me, I thought,

500
00:23:09,431 --> 00:23:12,831
"I want to get rid of that." It took
six men. I wasn't one of them -

501
00:23:12,831 --> 00:23:16,832
I didn't have a back support.
No. Incredibly heavy thing.

502
00:23:16,832 --> 00:23:18,872
And to this day,
I don't know what was in it.

503
00:23:18,872 --> 00:23:21,832
Oh, wow. I mean, the weight of it,
presumably loads of gold.

504
00:23:23,912 --> 00:23:25,232
Oops!

505
00:23:26,992 --> 00:23:30,192
The best thing, if the mechanism
has slipped a bit, you can work

506
00:23:30,192 --> 00:23:33,272
on the dial. The easiest thing is
what these guys are doing here,

507
00:23:33,272 --> 00:23:35,352
which is to drill a hole.
I love this.

508
00:23:35,352 --> 00:23:37,593
"Just use a sledgehammer,"
it says. That's it.

509
00:23:37,593 --> 00:23:39,833
Just get in and biff it.

510
00:23:39,833 --> 00:23:43,073
I might go to a penetration party
and ask if they run

511
00:23:43,073 --> 00:23:45,513
a course for briefcases.

512
00:23:49,393 --> 00:23:53,473
"I've been struggling lately
and I'm working my way up

513
00:23:53,473 --> 00:23:56,794
"to a safe, but first of all,
I'm only

514
00:23:56,794 --> 00:23:59,034
"halfway there with a briefcase.

515
00:23:59,034 --> 00:24:02,314
"I'll just sit in the corner
while you do the safe stuff."

516
00:24:02,314 --> 00:24:04,634
IN AMERICAN ACCENT:
James, put on the back support,

517
00:24:04,634 --> 00:24:06,114
strap in and watch.

518
00:24:07,754 --> 00:24:10,114
There are other ways
to break into secure buildings

519
00:24:10,114 --> 00:24:12,674
if you think outside the box.
This is a wonderful story.

520
00:24:12,674 --> 00:24:15,194
In 1971, there was
an activist group called

521
00:24:15,194 --> 00:24:18,035
the Citizens' Commission
To Investigate The FBI,

522
00:24:18,035 --> 00:24:21,835
and they targeted a draft board
in Delaware, and to gain access,

523
00:24:21,835 --> 00:24:24,675
all they did was they left
a note on the door that read,

524
00:24:24,675 --> 00:24:26,675
"Please don't lock
this door tonight."

525
00:24:26,675 --> 00:24:29,155
No! Yeah. And nobody did.

526
00:24:29,155 --> 00:24:31,275
So it completely worked.

527
00:24:32,235 --> 00:24:35,435
They went in and stole
everything that they needed.

528
00:24:35,435 --> 00:24:37,476
That's genius! Isn't that brilliant?

529
00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:40,276
And it revealed evidence of
massive wrongdoing and spying

530
00:24:40,276 --> 00:24:42,716
and criminal activity
by Edgar Hoover's FBI,

531
00:24:42,716 --> 00:24:44,436
which was then sent to journalists.

532
00:24:44,436 --> 00:24:47,396
And 200 agents went on a manhunt
to try and find out who did it.

533
00:24:47,396 --> 00:24:49,476
And they never did find the people.
CARIAD GASPS

534
00:24:49,476 --> 00:24:53,156
Another way to break into a safe is
to bypass the doors entirely, OK?

535
00:24:53,156 --> 00:24:57,516
I love this story. 1836, the Bank of
England got an anonymous letter when

536
00:24:57,516 --> 00:25:00,717
the sender claimed to have access
to their stash of gold, OK?

537
00:25:00,717 --> 00:25:03,277
So, offered to prove it by
meeting staff from the bank

538
00:25:03,277 --> 00:25:05,677
in the vault at a time
of their choosing.

539
00:25:05,677 --> 00:25:08,117
So, time was set, the bank managers
go into the vault

540
00:25:08,117 --> 00:25:11,997
and they saw a man appearing up
through the floorboards,

541
00:25:11,997 --> 00:25:14,797
and he had been working on
the sewers and he had discovered,

542
00:25:14,797 --> 00:25:17,717
by fluke, that you could
get up into the safe.

543
00:25:17,717 --> 00:25:19,838
He didn't take anything
and the bank was so grateful,

544
00:25:19,838 --> 00:25:24,118
they gave him £800, which is
about 80 grand in today's money,

545
00:25:24,118 --> 00:25:26,558
and arranged for the vault
to be made more secure.

546
00:25:26,558 --> 00:25:29,238
Wow! Somebody going,
"The floorboards!"

547
00:25:29,238 --> 00:25:32,078
I love that he must have been
standing there covered in shit,

548
00:25:32,078 --> 00:25:36,278
from the sewers, being like,
"See? I got right in."

549
00:25:36,278 --> 00:25:37,838
And they're like, "That's amazing.

550
00:25:37,838 --> 00:25:39,799
"Stand back, just don't
come too near, Dave."

551
00:25:39,799 --> 00:25:42,199
He could have nicked it all
because they didn't know about it.

552
00:25:42,199 --> 00:25:44,839
He could have taken a bar each day
and they wouldn't even notice.

553
00:25:44,839 --> 00:25:49,239
No idea. Anyway, moving on.
How do you kick-start a Spitfire?

554
00:25:49,239 --> 00:25:51,919
Hm. Oh, does it have a crank?

555
00:25:51,919 --> 00:25:55,639
Do you get a glamorous lady,
to get in and sort it out for you?

556
00:25:55,639 --> 00:25:59,199
Well, she's probably one
of the amazing women who delivered

557
00:25:59,199 --> 00:26:02,480
Spitfires once they had been built.
They were delivered by volunteers,

558
00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:04,440
and about a fifth of them
were women. Wow.

559
00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:06,520
What do we talk
about kick-starting now?

560
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:09,960
Oh, like, you go online and you say,
"Please give me money."

561
00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:12,680
"Please give me money.
I want to go to drama school."

562
00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:15,840
Yes. Yes. What,
and then rival me in my career?

563
00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:17,880
I think not. Not happening.

564
00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:20,400
It's crowdfunding. It's exactly...
No. Yeah.

565
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:22,721
So they needed to raise
the money for the planes.

566
00:26:22,721 --> 00:26:26,401
And if you raised a certain amount,
you were allowed to name the plane.

567
00:26:26,401 --> 00:26:28,881
What? So crowdfunded Spitfires
were called things

568
00:26:28,881 --> 00:26:30,201
like All The Fun Of The Fair,

569
00:26:30,201 --> 00:26:32,801
and carnivals and circuses people
put that together.

570
00:26:32,801 --> 00:26:35,721
This is the early Boaty McBoatface,
basically. Yeah.

571
00:26:35,721 --> 00:26:37,601
The Dogfighter was the Kennel Club.

572
00:26:37,601 --> 00:26:41,201
Unshackled Spirit
was funded by British POWs

573
00:26:41,201 --> 00:26:43,362
while they were being
held in Germany.

574
00:26:43,362 --> 00:26:47,202
That's so great! You know,
the actual name Spitfire... Yeah.

575
00:26:47,202 --> 00:26:49,482
..is because the engineer,

576
00:26:49,482 --> 00:26:52,402
his nickname for his daughter
was Spitfire.

577
00:26:52,402 --> 00:26:54,322
It was actually
the owner of the company.

578
00:26:54,322 --> 00:26:59,002
The owner? But imagine he'd called
her, like, Dumpling or something.

579
00:26:59,002 --> 00:27:01,962
"I name it after my son, Dickhead."

580
00:27:06,083 --> 00:27:08,963
"The Unfortunate Mistake."

581
00:27:08,963 --> 00:27:11,683
"Not Really Mine, as I call him."

582
00:27:13,643 --> 00:27:16,323
Takes After Her Mother.
Call her that.

583
00:27:16,323 --> 00:27:19,123
Yes, you know, the daughter, Ann,
her nickname was Spitfire, you're

584
00:27:19,123 --> 00:27:22,203
absolutely right, but the project
manager wanted to call it Scarab

585
00:27:22,203 --> 00:27:25,244
or Shrew. Wouldn't be
the same, would it?

586
00:27:25,244 --> 00:27:27,644
But the fact that POWs,
British POWs,

587
00:27:27,644 --> 00:27:29,164
who were being held in Germany...

588
00:27:29,164 --> 00:27:32,244
So what happened was
they crowdfunded via a series

589
00:27:32,244 --> 00:27:34,644
of coded letters that were
sent in and out of prison,

590
00:27:34,644 --> 00:27:37,764
and the prisoners would instruct
that Army pay be redirected

591
00:27:37,764 --> 00:27:40,164
to the Swedish Red Cross,
and the Red Cross sent it

592
00:27:40,164 --> 00:27:41,924
to the British Army
to fund Spitfires.

593
00:27:41,924 --> 00:27:44,765
So they were still getting funds
when they were POWs in Germany?

594
00:27:44,765 --> 00:27:47,005
You still got paid
even though you were being held.

595
00:27:47,005 --> 00:27:49,565
They redirected it, yeah.
That's incredible.

596
00:27:49,565 --> 00:27:52,565
There were some marvellously
inventive ways to raise funds.

597
00:27:52,565 --> 00:27:56,485
There was a Kent farmer who
charged people sixpence to see

598
00:27:56,485 --> 00:28:00,325
the only field in Kent without
a German aircraft in it.

599
00:28:01,885 --> 00:28:04,726
Market Lavington, which is
a village in Wiltshire, they drew

600
00:28:04,726 --> 00:28:07,206
an outline of a Spitfire in the
square and they asked people to fill

601
00:28:07,206 --> 00:28:10,406
in the outline with coins and it hit
the target in a matter of days.

602
00:28:10,406 --> 00:28:13,606
Spitfires, theoretically, were
priced at about £5,000 each,

603
00:28:13,606 --> 00:28:16,086
so you were told eight shillings
would buy a spark plug,

604
00:28:16,086 --> 00:28:18,286
£2,000 would get you a wing,
that kind of thing.

605
00:28:18,286 --> 00:28:21,246
In reality, it's not like that. It's
very much like when you sponsor

606
00:28:21,246 --> 00:28:23,966
a snow leopard. Yes. You don't
get a specific snow leopard.

607
00:28:23,966 --> 00:28:26,687
No. Oh, really? Yeah.
I did not know this, James.

608
00:28:26,687 --> 00:28:28,807
So, my oldest daughter,
when she was younger,

609
00:28:28,807 --> 00:28:32,207
she was obsessed with sheep and
I sponsored a sheep at London Zoo.

610
00:28:32,207 --> 00:28:34,287
And one day, she said,
"Can we go and look?"

611
00:28:34,287 --> 00:28:37,167
And it was pouring with rain
and I had this photograph that

612
00:28:37,167 --> 00:28:38,807
I had downloaded,

613
00:28:38,807 --> 00:28:42,807
and we stood in the rain with all
these sheep in the petting zoo.

614
00:28:42,807 --> 00:28:45,007
And she was going,
"No, it's not that one, Mum."

615
00:28:45,007 --> 00:28:49,448
Well, if anybody watching sponsored
an African child, it was me.

616
00:28:49,448 --> 00:28:54,128
Thank you. Thank you. So lovely.

617
00:28:54,128 --> 00:28:57,328
The Spitfire project as a whole owes
everything to one woman who I think

618
00:28:57,328 --> 00:29:00,088
most people won't know about,
but she is one of my heroines.

619
00:29:00,088 --> 00:29:03,208
She's called Lady Lucy Houston.
She's fantastic!

620
00:29:03,208 --> 00:29:07,169
She knew that Britain would need
a really strong air force.

621
00:29:07,169 --> 00:29:10,169
She knew this after World War I,
and the Government refused to pay

622
00:29:10,169 --> 00:29:12,649
for the development of aircraft,
so she did.

623
00:29:12,649 --> 00:29:15,249
She personally paid the amounts
of money that was needed

624
00:29:15,249 --> 00:29:17,729
for Rolls-Royce and
Vickers Supermarine to create

625
00:29:17,729 --> 00:29:19,849
the engine and the aircraft
that became the Spitfire.

626
00:29:19,849 --> 00:29:22,689
And I think most people won't know
about her. She died in 1936.

627
00:29:22,689 --> 00:29:26,369
She never knew the impact of what
she did, but she looked forward.

628
00:29:26,369 --> 00:29:29,210
Without her, we simply would not
have had the Spitfire.

629
00:29:29,210 --> 00:29:32,210
I think she's amazing and I think
she's really worth knowing about,

630
00:29:32,210 --> 00:29:34,210
as indeed, do you know about
Hazel Hill? No.

631
00:29:34,210 --> 00:29:37,170
Hazel Hill was 13 years old
when her father, Fred Hill,

632
00:29:37,170 --> 00:29:39,370
was working for the Air Ministry,
and she helped him do

633
00:29:39,370 --> 00:29:42,770
the calculations that eventually
showed a Spitfire could be armed

634
00:29:42,770 --> 00:29:44,890
with eight machineguns
and not four.

635
00:29:44,890 --> 00:29:47,371
And they did the sums
at the kitchen table. And she,

636
00:29:47,371 --> 00:29:50,331
a 13-year-old, thought to have
helped with the Battle of Britain.

637
00:29:50,331 --> 00:29:52,771
And then, later in life,
she was saved by a Spitfire

638
00:29:52,771 --> 00:29:54,451
that she had helped to create.

639
00:29:54,451 --> 00:29:57,411
There was a German plane overhead,
and then when she turned to look,

640
00:29:57,411 --> 00:29:59,451
a Spitfire was chasing it off.
So that's nice.

641
00:29:59,451 --> 00:30:01,851
And the pilot was like,
"Thanks, Hazel!

642
00:30:03,411 --> 00:30:05,131
"Keep doing your maths!"

643
00:30:09,212 --> 00:30:12,012
At 13, she fixed Spitfires
and then we're like,

644
00:30:12,012 --> 00:30:14,772
"James, can you open
this briefcase?" Yeah.

645
00:30:14,772 --> 00:30:15,812
Er...

646
00:30:17,132 --> 00:30:19,532
And then, my favourite thing
about Spitfires, some of them

647
00:30:19,532 --> 00:30:22,852
were transformed into beer
delivery services after D-Day.

648
00:30:22,852 --> 00:30:24,172
So, after the D-Day landings,

649
00:30:24,172 --> 00:30:26,972
the British troops were
rather low on beer in France

650
00:30:26,972 --> 00:30:29,333
and so they hatched a plan
to make the extra fuel

651
00:30:29,333 --> 00:30:31,893
tanks for the Spitfires
into beer delivery things.

652
00:30:31,893 --> 00:30:34,413
And they steam-cleaned them
and then filled them with beer,

653
00:30:34,413 --> 00:30:37,213
although apparently still
strong taste of petrol.

654
00:30:37,213 --> 00:30:39,493
Fantastic!

655
00:30:39,493 --> 00:30:41,773
Anyway, we're sticking with wartime

656
00:30:41,773 --> 00:30:45,413
and imagine you've got
your enemy surrounded, OK?

657
00:30:45,413 --> 00:30:47,773
How are you going to undermine them?

658
00:30:47,773 --> 00:30:52,254
My parents are so good at it.
Just compare them to their brothers.

659
00:30:52,254 --> 00:30:56,894
Say, "Your sister's got two kids
already." "What's wrong with you?"

660
00:30:56,894 --> 00:30:58,214
"What's wrong with you?" Yeah.

661
00:30:58,214 --> 00:31:00,894
"Your brother's a doctor."
That sort of thing.

662
00:31:00,894 --> 00:31:03,734
But your enemy, how are you
going to undermine your enemy?

663
00:31:03,734 --> 00:31:06,134
Are you talking about
literally going under... Digging?

664
00:31:06,134 --> 00:31:08,294
..like in the rather
brilliant novel Birdsong?

665
00:31:08,294 --> 00:31:11,295
Have you ever read Birdsong?
No, is it good? It's brilliant!

666
00:31:11,295 --> 00:31:13,415
It's largely
set in the First World War,

667
00:31:13,415 --> 00:31:16,535
but there's a whole section in it
where miners are trying to

668
00:31:16,535 --> 00:31:19,455
dig under the enemy trenches. Well,
you're absolutely right, darling.

669
00:31:19,455 --> 00:31:21,135
It's military mining.

670
00:31:21,135 --> 00:31:23,775
So a tunnel that you dig,
for example, underneath

671
00:31:23,775 --> 00:31:26,415
a target during a siege
is called a sap

672
00:31:26,415 --> 00:31:28,975
and it's often under
the weakest part of a fortress,

673
00:31:28,975 --> 00:31:30,175
like a gatehouse or something.

674
00:31:30,175 --> 00:31:32,536
So you dig a tunnel and
a support tunnel with wooden beams

675
00:31:32,536 --> 00:31:34,456
and then you basically set
fire to the beams,

676
00:31:34,456 --> 00:31:37,656
it collapses both the tunnel
and the target above the ground.

677
00:31:37,656 --> 00:31:40,416
And it has been used for
thousands of years as a crucial

678
00:31:40,416 --> 00:31:42,536
tactic in siege warfare.

679
00:31:42,536 --> 00:31:45,896
And we use the term sapper today
to refer to a military engineer.

680
00:31:45,896 --> 00:31:48,376
We say "the sappers"
and it's about digging a sap,

681
00:31:48,376 --> 00:31:50,056
digging a tunnel under something.

682
00:31:50,056 --> 00:31:53,297
So how do you stop somebody
sapping towards you?

683
00:31:53,297 --> 00:31:57,217
Would you put, like, big steel
things down so that they can't...?

684
00:31:57,217 --> 00:32:00,217
The easier thing to do, weirdly,
is to dig another tunnel. Oh.

685
00:32:00,217 --> 00:32:02,177
To weaken their tunnel?
Underneath theirs.

686
00:32:02,177 --> 00:32:03,457
Oh. Yes.

687
00:32:03,457 --> 00:32:04,737
It's called counter mining,

688
00:32:04,737 --> 00:32:08,857
so you basically allow
their tunnel to collapse down

689
00:32:08,857 --> 00:32:12,138
and siege warfare often
resulted in battles underground,

690
00:32:12,138 --> 00:32:14,258
actual physical fights
inside the tunnel.

691
00:32:14,258 --> 00:32:15,538
But underground fighting,

692
00:32:15,538 --> 00:32:18,338
hand-to-hand combat was thought
to be the height of courage and

693
00:32:18,338 --> 00:32:21,818
chivalry and if you fought somebody
underground in one of these tunnels

694
00:32:21,818 --> 00:32:24,178
and didn't kill them, there was
an understanding that if you

695
00:32:24,178 --> 00:32:27,458
came across them on the ground later
on, you would spare them again.

696
00:32:27,458 --> 00:32:29,298
You were now brothers in arms.

697
00:32:29,298 --> 00:32:32,138
I'd try to fake it.
Like, I meet someone, I'm like,

698
00:32:32,138 --> 00:32:34,219
"Hey. wait, didn't
you and me have a thing?

699
00:32:34,219 --> 00:32:36,979
"It was dark down there,
it was me! It was me.

700
00:32:36,979 --> 00:32:39,499
"We had a thing, right?"

701
00:32:39,499 --> 00:32:41,899
Henry V fought hand-to-hand
in a tunnel during

702
00:32:41,899 --> 00:32:45,459
the siege, I think it's pronounced
Melun, in 1420 and his opponent,

703
00:32:45,459 --> 00:32:48,459
a Captain Barbazan,
used this convention

704
00:32:48,459 --> 00:32:51,019
when they met later on and
Henry was going to execute him,

705
00:32:51,019 --> 00:32:53,780
and he said, "No, wait a minute, we
did that fighting in that battle."

706
00:32:53,780 --> 00:32:56,420
That's not in the play, is it?
They should have put that scene in.

707
00:32:56,420 --> 00:32:57,700
The tunnel scene.

708
00:32:57,700 --> 00:32:59,660
You know St Andrews, if you go,
you can see both the mine

709
00:32:59,660 --> 00:33:01,420
and the counter mine
under the castle,

710
00:33:01,420 --> 00:33:05,700
both built during a siege in 1546.
Wow. It was dug through solid stone.

711
00:33:05,700 --> 00:33:09,460
That's extraordinary. Isn't that
amazing? Invading Catholic forces

712
00:33:09,460 --> 00:33:11,380
and defending Protestants.

713
00:33:11,380 --> 00:33:15,781
How would you win a siege with
just an ox and a handful of corn?

714
00:33:17,021 --> 00:33:20,381
Now, so far, a lot of your...
Here's what I've noticed. Yes.

715
00:33:20,381 --> 00:33:23,261
Your questions are really tricksy.

716
00:33:23,261 --> 00:33:25,941
Because...

717
00:33:25,941 --> 00:33:29,661
..we all think it means one thing
but actually you've snuck another

718
00:33:29,661 --> 00:33:32,981
word in there that means something
else, you've got a double meaning.

719
00:33:32,981 --> 00:33:36,142
So an ox, a handful of corn. Yes.

720
00:33:36,142 --> 00:33:40,702
So, an ox probably
street slang for Oxo cube.

721
00:33:40,702 --> 00:33:43,902
Erm... A...

722
00:33:43,902 --> 00:33:47,662
..handful, I'm guessing
it's not a human handful,

723
00:33:47,662 --> 00:33:49,982
you're more going for like
a gorilla-size handful,

724
00:33:49,982 --> 00:33:51,142
it's much bigger.

725
00:33:51,142 --> 00:33:55,903
And corn is the nu metal band
Korn from the '90s.

726
00:33:55,903 --> 00:33:57,823
So, that is what you're going for.

727
00:33:57,823 --> 00:34:03,423
You play '90s nu metal, throw Oxo
cubes at them, thrown by a gorilla.

728
00:34:03,423 --> 00:34:05,663
Can I have the points, please?

729
00:34:07,143 --> 00:34:08,543
It's about fooling your enemy.

730
00:34:08,543 --> 00:34:10,303
That's another way to win, right?

731
00:34:10,303 --> 00:34:12,983
Ah! You paint an ox to look
like a giant corn on the cob

732
00:34:12,983 --> 00:34:15,303
and then, all the villagers
run at it

733
00:34:15,303 --> 00:34:17,504
and start trying to
turn it round and eat it

734
00:34:17,504 --> 00:34:20,104
and it just attacks
them and goes hog wild.

735
00:34:20,104 --> 00:34:21,944
It's a legend from Luxembourg.

736
00:34:21,944 --> 00:34:24,504
So, the legend is that
there was a castle siege

737
00:34:24,504 --> 00:34:27,024
and the people inside were running
dangerously low on supplies

738
00:34:27,024 --> 00:34:28,784
and they were on
the edge of starvation

739
00:34:28,784 --> 00:34:31,744
and all they had left was
an ox and a handful of corn.

740
00:34:31,744 --> 00:34:33,784
So, what they did was
they fed the corn to the ox

741
00:34:33,784 --> 00:34:36,625
and they killed it and they threw
the innards over the castle wall,

742
00:34:36,625 --> 00:34:39,585
and the enemy looked at
the guts of the dead animal

743
00:34:39,585 --> 00:34:43,305
and it was full of food and they
deduced, wrongly, that they had

744
00:34:43,305 --> 00:34:46,665
plenty of supplies and resources
and so they called off the siege.

745
00:34:46,665 --> 00:34:51,225
But I like that. I like being
clever rather than killing.

746
00:34:51,225 --> 00:34:53,345
Could have gone badly wrong
though, couldn't it?

747
00:34:53,345 --> 00:34:56,545
"Now we haven't even got the corn!"
Exactly!

748
00:34:56,545 --> 00:34:59,106
Now, it's time to slip
surreptitiously into

749
00:34:59,106 --> 00:35:01,666
the enemy territory
of General Ignorance.

750
00:35:01,666 --> 00:35:03,346
Fingers on buzzers, please.

751
00:35:03,346 --> 00:35:07,946
When you see SS,
as you see here in this picture,

752
00:35:07,946 --> 00:35:11,066
what does the first S stand for?

753
00:35:11,066 --> 00:35:14,746
MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME PLAYS
Cariad.

754
00:35:14,746 --> 00:35:16,466
Steam?

755
00:35:16,466 --> 00:35:18,027
KLAXON

756
00:35:21,107 --> 00:35:23,627
JAMES CLAPS ONCE

757
00:35:23,627 --> 00:35:25,667
LAUGHTER

758
00:35:27,507 --> 00:35:29,747
I don't know why they
don't do that on this show.

759
00:35:29,747 --> 00:35:32,267
Every time someone gets it, they
could look at the camera and go,

760
00:35:32,267 --> 00:35:34,267
"That's general ignorance!"

761
00:35:35,347 --> 00:35:39,668
I'm going to try that from now on!
I'm going to give that a go.

762
00:35:39,668 --> 00:35:40,908
That's general ignorance!

763
00:35:40,908 --> 00:35:42,388
That's so good.

764
00:35:42,388 --> 00:35:43,908
So good, Sandi!

765
00:35:44,948 --> 00:35:48,348
Right. It stands for screw. People
used to distinguish between ships

766
00:35:48,348 --> 00:35:51,748
driven by paddles and ships that
were driven by propellers or screws,

767
00:35:51,748 --> 00:35:54,668
and when paddleships started
to be phased out, the SS seemed

768
00:35:54,668 --> 00:35:56,228
to stick around.

769
00:35:56,228 --> 00:35:59,068
And can I just say, to pre-empt
any letters we might receive from,

770
00:35:59,068 --> 00:36:02,309
I don't know, say there was A Pedant
watching, it is true to say that

771
00:36:02,309 --> 00:36:05,189
two ships normally referred to
these days as SS Great Western

772
00:36:05,189 --> 00:36:09,029
and SS Great Eastern
both had paddles, but the SS prefix

773
00:36:09,029 --> 00:36:11,909
has only been attached
to them in modern times.

774
00:36:11,909 --> 00:36:14,549
So, in their day, they were known...
This is entirely different

775
00:36:14,549 --> 00:36:18,029
from the German SS,
which is much more, much more...

776
00:36:18,029 --> 00:36:20,630
More problematic. More problematic.

777
00:36:20,630 --> 00:36:24,310
We didn't name our ships after them,
as, like, a little joke!

778
00:36:24,310 --> 00:36:27,510
"SS - remember those guys?
That was crazy!"

779
00:36:27,510 --> 00:36:29,750
Those so-and-sos!
Also, the way you said,

780
00:36:29,750 --> 00:36:31,790
"In case there's A Pedant watching,"

781
00:36:31,790 --> 00:36:34,550
made me think there is just one guy
who writes in all the time,

782
00:36:34,550 --> 00:36:36,030
and it's Stephen Fry.

783
00:36:39,510 --> 00:36:43,911
"I think you'll find..."
And he just addresses it to you.

784
00:36:43,911 --> 00:36:45,751
"Dear Sandi..."

785
00:36:45,751 --> 00:36:48,031
"Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear."

786
00:36:51,471 --> 00:36:54,031
Right. Where are sudokus from?

787
00:36:54,031 --> 00:36:55,671
PINK PANTHER THEME PLAYS

788
00:36:55,671 --> 00:36:56,871
James.

789
00:36:56,871 --> 00:36:58,791
The newspaper.

790
00:37:02,432 --> 00:37:04,992
I can't do them.
I can do them. I can do them.

791
00:37:04,992 --> 00:37:07,792
I'm number dyslexic.
Is there number dyslexia?

792
00:37:07,792 --> 00:37:09,792
Yeah, it's called dyscal...calc...

793
00:37:09,792 --> 00:37:12,352
I can't even say it! Dyscalculus?

794
00:37:12,352 --> 00:37:13,832
Count Duckula!

795
00:37:13,832 --> 00:37:16,552
So, numbers switch round when
you're looking at them, and do this.

796
00:37:16,552 --> 00:37:17,952
So sudoku is a nightmare.

797
00:37:17,952 --> 00:37:20,152
I think I need to
borrow money from you.

798
00:37:21,472 --> 00:37:23,873
I'll meet you in Wetherspoons!

799
00:37:23,873 --> 00:37:26,393
So, newspapers, yes, but... Japan?

800
00:37:26,393 --> 00:37:28,793
KLAXON

801
00:37:28,793 --> 00:37:31,273
I was sure I was right! Come on!

802
00:37:31,273 --> 00:37:33,033
Are they actually American?

803
00:37:33,033 --> 00:37:37,113
So, invented in the United States,
1979, by a puzzle magazine

804
00:37:37,113 --> 00:37:39,913
in Manhattan, and they were
originally called Number Place.

805
00:37:39,913 --> 00:37:41,753
I'm scared already.

806
00:37:41,753 --> 00:37:44,474
A little bit of trivia, if
you wrap a sudoku around a stick,

807
00:37:44,474 --> 00:37:47,034
all the numbers line up
in the right order.

808
00:37:50,434 --> 00:37:52,154
There's a life hack.

809
00:37:52,154 --> 00:37:55,354
There was a Japanese games
manufacturer called Maki Kaji,

810
00:37:55,354 --> 00:37:58,394
who brought them to Japan, and they
wanted to give it a new name.

811
00:37:58,394 --> 00:38:00,834
And he said, "My staff are
pushing me to give it a new name,

812
00:38:00,834 --> 00:38:02,394
"and I wanted to go horse racing.

813
00:38:02,394 --> 00:38:05,275
"So I just created a name really
quickly in about 25 seconds."

814
00:38:05,275 --> 00:38:08,795
Now, I'm going to say it all wrong,
so I think we've written it out.

815
00:38:08,795 --> 00:38:11,915
What that means is numbers
should be single, unmarried,

816
00:38:11,915 --> 00:38:15,675
but it was too long and they
decided to shorten it to Sudoku.

817
00:38:15,675 --> 00:38:16,795
Wow.

818
00:38:16,795 --> 00:38:19,955
And if you want to feel really dumb,
they've got now these Rubik's Cubes,

819
00:38:19,955 --> 00:38:21,115
which are also Sudoku.

820
00:38:21,115 --> 00:38:23,435
Oh, my God. Really?

821
00:38:23,435 --> 00:38:25,516
Look at that.
I've never seen someone

822
00:38:25,516 --> 00:38:27,596
want something so much, so quickly!

823
00:38:27,596 --> 00:38:29,876
It was like, as soon as
you heard about it,

824
00:38:29,876 --> 00:38:32,876
I was like, Sandi's going to buy
one as soon as this finishes!

825
00:38:32,876 --> 00:38:35,996
There's a kick-starter,
she's already signed up.

826
00:38:35,996 --> 00:38:37,596
Pledge £500 - done.

827
00:38:37,596 --> 00:38:39,756
I had no idea!

828
00:38:39,756 --> 00:38:41,636
Nightmare. It's heaven.

829
00:38:41,636 --> 00:38:44,356
But what about when you get
to the last box, and you realise

830
00:38:44,356 --> 00:38:46,157
you've got two eights in it? Yeah.

831
00:38:46,157 --> 00:38:50,077
Yeah. And somewhere, right in
the depths of it, there's a mistake,

832
00:38:50,077 --> 00:38:53,837
you'll never find it, and
you've been doing it for four weeks.

833
00:38:53,837 --> 00:38:55,877
You get your pencil and repeatedly

834
00:38:55,877 --> 00:38:57,997
stab yourself in the palm
of the hand

835
00:38:57,997 --> 00:39:00,717
and then smear blood on your face.

836
00:39:00,717 --> 00:39:03,197
You'd only do that in a lockdown.
Yeah.

837
00:39:04,357 --> 00:39:07,758
It's all right.
Would you like to stroke my pussy?

838
00:39:07,758 --> 00:39:09,918
I'm serious. There you go.

839
00:39:09,918 --> 00:39:13,438
Have a stroke of my pussy.
You'll feel better.

840
00:39:13,438 --> 00:39:15,918
CAT SQUEALS

841
00:39:22,478 --> 00:39:27,879
Whoever is on sound duty
is on the top of their game,

842
00:39:27,879 --> 00:39:29,919
because you...

843
00:39:29,919 --> 00:39:32,479
..you riffed that on the spot,
and as soon as it went towards you,

844
00:39:32,479 --> 00:39:34,079
they were like "Bam"!

845
00:39:35,239 --> 00:39:39,199
And they were just...
Give that person a Bafta.

846
00:39:39,199 --> 00:39:42,879
People don't appreciate
how good that was!

847
00:39:42,879 --> 00:39:44,999
Brilliant.

848
00:39:44,999 --> 00:39:49,160
It was Lizzie, in Sound.
Lizzie, in Sound.

849
00:39:49,160 --> 00:39:52,240
She's got a real cat, that she's...
CAT SQUEALS

850
00:39:53,600 --> 00:39:55,320
Sorry.

851
00:39:55,320 --> 00:39:59,120
"Come here, quick, stay in the
room!" And a very sharp pencil!

852
00:40:02,120 --> 00:40:04,880
Right. Which makes
the best espresso,

853
00:40:04,880 --> 00:40:07,201
finely ground or
roughly ground beans?

854
00:40:07,201 --> 00:40:09,321
Well, I'd say finely ground, Sandi.

855
00:40:09,321 --> 00:40:12,441
Isn't the point of grinding
the beans that you expose more

856
00:40:12,441 --> 00:40:14,321
of the coffee bean to the water

857
00:40:14,321 --> 00:40:17,361
and you get more flavour
the more fine the grind?

858
00:40:17,361 --> 00:40:19,641
You would think so
but if they are too fine,

859
00:40:19,641 --> 00:40:23,801
they clog the espresso machine and
then they moisten unevenly and they

860
00:40:23,801 --> 00:40:26,681
make the drink more
sour and more bitter

861
00:40:26,681 --> 00:40:29,282
than if you use coarser grains.
And the reason I know this,

862
00:40:29,282 --> 00:40:31,642
mathematicians published
a paper called

863
00:40:31,642 --> 00:40:34,042
Systematically Improving Espresso -

864
00:40:34,042 --> 00:40:37,842
Insights from Mathematical
Modelling and Experiment.

865
00:40:37,842 --> 00:40:40,522
What they found is that if coffee
shops actually use slightly less

866
00:40:40,522 --> 00:40:42,002
coffee than they're currently using,

867
00:40:42,002 --> 00:40:44,322
so they suggest about
15g instead of 20g, it would

868
00:40:44,322 --> 00:40:46,442
not only improve the taste,
it would have the

869
00:40:46,442 --> 00:40:49,083
added benefit of using
fewer beans, so the coffee shop

870
00:40:49,083 --> 00:40:51,363
will end up with better
drinks for a lower price.

871
00:40:51,363 --> 00:40:54,563
So don't pack it in too tightly.
Don't pack it in too tight.

872
00:40:54,563 --> 00:40:56,283
That's not a reference to coffee!

873
00:40:58,043 --> 00:41:01,403
You just said, "Don't pack it in too
tight," I know what prop's being

874
00:41:01,403 --> 00:41:04,203
bought out here.
Here we go. Here we go.

875
00:41:04,203 --> 00:41:05,843
See how quick she is.

876
00:41:05,843 --> 00:41:08,043
CAT SCREECHES

877
00:41:11,604 --> 00:41:16,604
Now, in homage to one of
the most-famous fictional spies,

878
00:41:16,604 --> 00:41:19,964
I think we should end
with a martini, OK?

879
00:41:19,964 --> 00:41:22,564
So, how would anybody
like theirs?

880
00:41:22,564 --> 00:41:24,084
Shaken, not stirred. No?

881
00:41:24,084 --> 00:41:26,564
KLAXON

882
00:41:28,644 --> 00:41:31,405
So, the thing is that shaking
a martini will ruin it,

883
00:41:31,405 --> 00:41:33,565
and I know this
cos I'm a martini fan, OK?

884
00:41:33,565 --> 00:41:35,685
So drinks like daiquiris,
they're shaken

885
00:41:35,685 --> 00:41:38,405
and the reason for that is that
the ice dilutes the sweetness.

886
00:41:38,405 --> 00:41:41,165
Martinis are not sweet,
so they don't need to be shaken.

887
00:41:41,165 --> 00:41:44,125
They're supposed to be served
as concentrated as possible.

888
00:41:44,125 --> 00:41:46,685
Unfortunately we can't drink
the original martinis

889
00:41:46,685 --> 00:41:48,645
that James Bond
is supposed to have had

890
00:41:48,645 --> 00:41:51,246
because one of the key ingredients
is no longer available.

891
00:41:51,246 --> 00:41:54,686
It's known as a Vesper Martini. It
was named after the first Bond girl,

892
00:41:54,686 --> 00:41:57,966
she was called Vesper Lynd.
Vespa's Italian for wasp.

893
00:41:57,966 --> 00:41:59,686
Did you know that? No, I didn't.

894
00:41:59,686 --> 00:42:01,886
Yes, hence the scooter.
The scooter, the Vespa.

895
00:42:01,886 --> 00:42:04,726
It sounds like a wasp.
Bzzzzzz! Wasp. You see?

896
00:42:04,726 --> 00:42:08,566
The Vesper Martini
contained gin and vodka

897
00:42:08,566 --> 00:42:11,287
and something called Kina Lillet.

898
00:42:11,287 --> 00:42:13,887
Doesn't sound pleasant, does it?
It would absorb a lot.

899
00:42:13,887 --> 00:42:16,607
You don't want THAT in your martini.

900
00:42:16,607 --> 00:42:19,527
Anyway, the trick is...to stir it.

901
00:42:19,527 --> 00:42:22,647
Have you got drinks there
for yourselves? Yes. Yes.

902
00:42:22,647 --> 00:42:26,447
OK. Just, um, pour out...
in tribute here.

903
00:42:26,447 --> 00:42:28,887
Ooh-hoo! OK.

904
00:42:28,887 --> 00:42:32,328
Do you know that Dick Van Dyke
was once asked by Cubby Broccoli

905
00:42:32,328 --> 00:42:36,008
if he wanted to take over
from Sean Connery in the role,

906
00:42:36,008 --> 00:42:39,528
and Dick Van Dyke reminded him
of his British accent as Bert,

907
00:42:39,528 --> 00:42:42,368
the Cockney chimney sweep
in Mary Poppins.

908
00:42:42,368 --> 00:42:45,168
It was generally thought
not to be a very good idea.

909
00:42:45,168 --> 00:42:48,008
Well, here we go.
Cheers. Cheers.

910
00:42:48,008 --> 00:42:50,888
AS SEAN CONNERY: Martinis are
better shtirred than shaken,

911
00:42:50,888 --> 00:42:54,209
and underpants
are better shilk than shatin.

912
00:42:54,209 --> 00:42:56,689
LAUGHTER

913
00:42:56,689 --> 00:42:59,129
APPLAUSE

914
00:43:00,529 --> 00:43:04,649
And, with that, it's the final dash
towards the scores!

915
00:43:04,649 --> 00:43:07,369
Top of the pack
with nine points,

916
00:43:07,369 --> 00:43:09,409
it's Alan! What?!

917
00:43:09,409 --> 00:43:12,649
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

918
00:43:14,650 --> 00:43:16,490
Second, with eight points,

919
00:43:16,490 --> 00:43:20,050
it's James!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

920
00:43:20,050 --> 00:43:23,130
I couldn't even open a briefcase,
and who got beat by me?!

921
00:43:23,130 --> 00:43:24,610
Yes!

922
00:43:24,610 --> 00:43:27,410
Third with -2, Daliso!

923
00:43:27,410 --> 00:43:30,450
CARIAD: Oh, no!

924
00:43:30,450 --> 00:43:33,971
And in last place with -15,
it's Cariad!

925
00:43:33,971 --> 00:43:36,451
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

926
00:43:41,811 --> 00:43:44,451
My thanks to James, Cariad,
Daliso and Alan, and I leave you

927
00:43:44,451 --> 00:43:47,531
with this secret sign-off
from Lucille Ball.

928
00:43:47,531 --> 00:43:50,451
The secret of staying young
is to live honestly,

929
00:43:50,451 --> 00:43:52,611
eat slowly and lie about your age.

930
00:43:52,611 --> 00:43:53,771
Goodnight.

931
00:43:53,771 --> 00:43:55,892
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE