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This programme contains
some strong language

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Merry Christmas and
welcome to QI, where we're

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snowed in on a silent night
and wishing you season's greetings.

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A lowly shepherd, Sally Phillips.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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A wise woman, Bonnie Langford.

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Thank you.

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An immaculate virgin, Joe Lycett.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And in keeping with tradition,
Alan Davies.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Let's hear their adorable acting.

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Joe goes...

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PIANO INTERLUDE

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CHILD: We must go
to Bethlehem on a donkey.

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LAUGHTER

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Sally goes...

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PIANO INTERLUDE

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CHILD: I was just washing my socks
when an angel suddenly appeared!

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Bonnie goes...

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CHILD: Behold, I bring you fra...
fra...frank...frank...

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..frankin...cense. Frank...

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Behold, I bring you gold!

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Alan goes...

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MANDY COHEN: Now, you listen here!

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He's not the Messiah,
he's a very naughty boy!

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LAUGHTER, LIGHT APPLAUSE

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All right,
based on what you are wearing,

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who's probably going
to win tonight's show?

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Joe. Hmm? Joe? Why?

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Because he's Mary
and Mary is the star of the show.

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Well, actually, you have got it
right.

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That is right, but why do you
think that might be?

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Cos I'm so clever and gorgeous!

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Well, I present a religious show
on Sunday morning,

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so I know that there was a piece
of research that tried to map

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the parts that people played
in the school nativity with lifetime

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success, but I can't remember
who came out best.

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So, they did survey in 2019 and

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they asked 2,000 people what parts
they had as children

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and then they had a look at their
lives and see how it worked out.

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Now, people who'd played oxen
ended up earning the most. No! Yes.

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So, twice as much on average
as those people who played lambs

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or sheep, OK? Wow.

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Marys - most likely
to be content with their adult life,

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with Josephs coming second.

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Mary also had the
most social media friends.

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So, the most popular, OK?

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@JoeLycett,
if you want to follow me.

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The person with the fewest social
media friends, the narrator.

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Way behind. Narrators are just
always annoying, aren't they? Yeah.

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And narrator most likely to work
in education and enjoy horse riding.

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I mean, what are the chances
of these things?

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The donkey - most
likely to work in IT

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and do gardening and enjoy puzzles.

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The Angel Gabriel - most likely
to work in marketing

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and communications.

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What were you in the nativity?

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I... Well, I was the star,
and when I say that,

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I don't mean I had the main part.

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I played the actual star. Aww! Aww!

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I just wore a twinkly headband and
appeared over the stable like that.

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Aw, sweet!

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It sounds slightly creepy.
Yeah. Rarrrgh!

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I think it is a bit creepy.

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You know, it
wasn't actually a star.

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What? I'm just going to say
it, it was Uranus, Sandy.

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Hurray!

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Wasn't it two planets close
together, isn't that the theory?

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Yes, absolutely. It's an
unusual occurrence, isn't it?

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But if Joe is Mary, you
are more likely to win the show,

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partly because Mary earns more
than the average,

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so, about £39,000 a year, whereas
the angels, about 25, wise men,

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about 26, shepherds, 29, and has
the most social media friends,

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so, likely to be the most content,
therefore likely to be

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the luckiest, therefore most
likely to win the show.

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The trouble is all these parents
now going to the Nativity,

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looking at it and going, "Oh,
no, they're a shepherd, they're

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"going to be useless now, they'll
have no career, no life, nothing."

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"I'll be very happy in marketing!"

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Can we just admire the set,
which I think does look...

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Beautiful. It's amazing.
Beautiful. Amazing.

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This might very well be illegal
in France. Why would that be?

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Cos it's covered in cocaine!

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Is it cos there's a fire risk
of candles near hay? No.

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It's about depictions
of the nativity.

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It's illegal to display them
in public places if it

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demonstrates a public recognition or
preference for a specific religion.

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So, the only way you can get round
the law is by proving that it has

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some cultural, artistic
or festive significance.

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It can't have religious
significance, it's not allowed.

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So, some mayors have protested
about this in France.

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In January 2021,
the mayor of Beaucaire, which is

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in Provence, insisted on keeping
their nativity scene up

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in the town hall till Candlemas,
which is February 2nd, and he
argued

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that there was a cultural history
to have these nativity scenes.

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And that is true in a way
because they feature

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these things called santons,
or little saints,

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and the point is that these are
traditional Provence figures

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and these have been traditional

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since the French Revolution,
actually.

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But, anyway, the guy in Beaucaire,
he was fined 5,000 euros a day

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for each day that the scene was up.

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I know, it's a lot of money! That's
a lot of money! It's a lot of money!

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Anybody remember...? We've mentioned
it before on the show.

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Alan, do you remember what the
Catalan version

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of nativity scenes include? Yes.

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Did you want to share
with the other children?

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No, I don't... No.

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A caganer? Oh, caganer, yes.
A caganer is part of the Catalan...

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Is it? ..nativity, yeah.

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It's a crouching...
Uh, how can I put this politely?

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..defecating statue.

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Oh, yes, the poo one! The poo one!

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It's in all the Catalan... Yes.

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It's a squatting man. That is.

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It's a traditional symbol
of fertility.

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What's funny about it is that
when you go to the area,

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you can buy these
little figures of...

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You know, you can get
one of Donald Trump

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and you can get one of David
Beckham, whoever you want to have.

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I'd want Timmy Mallet.

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Why not?

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With or without his mallet? Yeah.

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Just Timmy Mallet having a shit -
that's what I want for Christmas.

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Wow. You remind me a tiny bit
of Timmy Mallet.

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Stop right there.

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I will walk from this show!

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But nativity scenes have had
a long history of controversy,

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not just in France.

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1890s, there was an English priest

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who issued knuckle dusters
to his congregation

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so they could repel attacks
on local nativity scenes

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because people felt
so strongly about it.

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They were hardline Anglicans,
anti-ritualists, they were called,

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and they didn't want any religious
decoration of any kind.

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And, in fact, one of the leaders
of the anti-ritualists movement

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was Lady Wimborne.
She was Winston Churchill's aunt.

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There she is. Formidable, isn't she?
Marvellous.

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Cornelia. There's a whole...

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Peta have got a big campaign
against using animals in nativities.

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What, like, real animals, or...?
Real animals, live nativities.

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There's been a real issue with
them trying to escape and also...

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LAUGHTER

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..sheep being sexually harassed...

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By who? By the Wise Men?

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Who's doing this?!

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There was genuinely a thing where
a guy got into the nativity scene...

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"In America". But also true...

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Why did you do "In America"?
It is a real place.

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Put it down! You bad man!

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Stop! Stop! Leave my sheep alone!

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No, you don't, you pervert!

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He was arrested for...? What sort
of a shepherd are you? Look at this!

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But, yeah, no,
and he had sex with a sheep.

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Oh! During the nativity?

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Yeah, they had a stable set
with live animals

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and someone broke in at night
and had sex with a sheep.

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Be honest - was it Timmy Mallet?

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Well, that's covered nativity plays,
I think, very succinctly.

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Apparently future success can
be predicted by your school

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nativity play, which quite frankly
is "virgin" on the ridiculous.

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Aha! Boom, boom.
Ratta-tata-ta!

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OK, do you want to take
your beard off, darling? You can.

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I'm all right if you are. Yeah. No,
what's great is that people will go,

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"Who was that person talking
about sheep sex?"

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Why is there always too much to do
on Christmas Day?

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Oh...

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I think Christmas Day is
when you can relax, isn't it?

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It's like the lead-up to Christmas
Day that is a bit of a night...

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Well, not quite relax.

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Once you've got to Christmas Day,
the worst bit's out of the way.

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I can't take you seriously.

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You look like you're about to
serve nachos.

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Speedy Gonzales over there!

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Mind you, Alan's looking a bit
more like Speedy Gonzales,

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with his tea towel over...

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I think Alan looks like one of those
guys that plays the panpipes on...

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Yes! Yes! ..the steps of the...
Selling their albums.

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When you're all quite done!

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Why is there so much
to do on Christmas Day?

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Is it because we're all
so busy doing things that we

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leave things till the last minute?

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Or else, we...
Well, I did this one year.

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My daughter was very little,
I got her lots of presents

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and hid them all and forgot
where I'd hidden them.

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When I was a kid and I wanted a
computer, it took up an entire room!

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Hard to hide!

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The mistake that we make in modern
times is that we squeeze it...

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We get married, and then we have two
lots of traditions, is that why?

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I like yours better, but no.

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The idea is that we try and cram it

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all into one day, and they
never used to do that.

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So, medieval and Tudor period,
for example,

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Christmas lasted for a full season,
so you'd start possibly 1st November

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right through to 2nd February,

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so All Hallows' Day, it was called,
all the way to Candlemas.

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And there'd be huge
feasts on the way,

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00:10:03,560 --> 00:10:05,360
things that I think
we should bring back.

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St Martin's Day - who
celebrates that? Anybody? Martin?

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Martin Clunes. Martin Kemp.

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November 11th, it started
a full 43 days of advent.

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I like him, St Martin of Tours,

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he has an eclectic list of
things he's the patron of.

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Geese, horses, innkeepers
and reformed alcoholics.

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They would seem to be...erm,
cancel each other out.

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I know, the innkeepers
and the reformed alcoholics.

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But the Middle Ages,
I mean, goodness,

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they were really rowdy at Christmas.

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There was a
Lord of Misrule appointed always,

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from among the peasants,
to lead the revelry.

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00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:39,640
So, this is not a good story.

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In Lincolnshire, 1637, the Lord of
Misrule was taken through

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a mock ceremony in which he married
a fellow citizen

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and after this sham marriage,

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in the words of one Victorian
historian who documented it,

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"The affair was carried to
its utmost extent

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"in front of the crowds."

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GASPS

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Publicly consummated marriage with
somebody they didn't really know.

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And there were a lot of complaints
at the time about the amount

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of chambering that went on
at Christmas.

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00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:10,160
It is a very good old word
for "doing the deed". Chambering?

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Chambering? Yes. Yeah.

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00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:17,200
Now it's just called Married At
First Sight. Yes, absolutely right.

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Right, guys if you want to
take off your, I don't know,

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your frocks, if it's
a bit more comfortable.

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00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:23,800
There we go.

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Take that, Timmy!

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00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:28,360
I say!

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00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:30,000
Is that your own jumper?

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00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:40,640
No! I borrowed it
from Pam St Clement.

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Some people sometimes
dress as panders at Christmas,

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why might you do that?
What, panders? Panders with an ER.

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00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:53,080
P-A-N-D-E-R.
Oh, panders.

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00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:56,240
It's an old word for a pimp.
Is it? Stroke pimp.

238
00:11:56,240 --> 00:12:00,040
Yeah, things used to get very
out of hand, frankly,

239
00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:02,760
particularly in France, and the
Feast of the Fools was very rowdy.

240
00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:06,760
They used to have something, we
could call it a Mass for the Ass,
frankly.

241
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:09,960
There was a song about the beauty
of the donkey,

242
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,880
and it was often accompanied
by a donkey being led into church.

243
00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:16,040
It had a sort of serious purpose to
start with, which was to thank the

244
00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:20,600
donkey for the, you know, part
that the donkey played in the story.

245
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:24,440
But then it became...
Well done. Yes, well done, donkey!

246
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:27,560
Is this where they
used to do a parade where

247
00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:30,080
they reverse everything
so the king is the...? Yep.

248
00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:32,840
That's the Mass of the Fools?
Well, it's the Feast of the Fools,

249
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:34,120
and then the Mass of the Ass,

250
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:36,000
is the way I'm going to make
you remember it.

251
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:38,520
It's kind of interesting,
because the hunchback of Notre Dame,

252
00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:40,760
they used to take all the disabled
people and throw them

253
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,240
out of Paris, they used to have to
go and live in the forest.

254
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:47,600
Yeah. And then once a year they'd
come in and parade through the city

255
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:50,240
dressed as kings and things.
Kind of awful... It is shocking.

256
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,120
But it was the Christmas
period generally,

257
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:54,600
there were all these different
celebrations.

258
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:56,560
Now, time to start opening presents.

259
00:12:56,560 --> 00:13:00,280
I've got you all some Christmas
stockings. Oh!

260
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:03,400
Sally, you take yours
out first and tell us

261
00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:05,920
what you've got in your
Christmas stocking there.

262
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:08,160
OK. I've got...

263
00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:11,120
I've got a bar
of soap and a tangerine.

264
00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:13,840
OK, so, what do we think the soap
is all about?

265
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:15,920
Washing.

266
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:19,920
It's a gift for Santa,
and it's not from him.

267
00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:23,160
So, in 1910, the Ivory soap company,
they created a, I have to say,

268
00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:25,600
a short-lived tradition of leaving
soap out for Santa

269
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:28,840
so he could wash the soot off
when he came down... The chimney.

270
00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:31,800
And parents would leave a
dirty towel and some soapy

271
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:35,880
water by the fireplace for children
to discover that Santa had washed.

272
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:37,520
That's nice. Seems inappropriate,

273
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:39,200
he's going to
go up the chimney again

274
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:42,240
and get completely dirty again,
it's sort of, like...

275
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,800
Have to leave another
bowl at the top of the chimney.

276
00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:46,800
I did say it was a short-lived
tradition.

277
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:48,960
Joe, let's have a look at yours.

278
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:52,080
That looks exciting.
It's an arson kit.

279
00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:59,800
It's some flammable twig...
Do you know what kind of twig it is?

280
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:04,000
Is it Birch? Absolutely right,
it's a birch rod. Oh!

281
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,880
I mean, that would hurt.
Yes. Yes.

282
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,000
From at least as far back as 1800,

283
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:12,000
naughty children could expect to get
a birch rod in their stockings.

284
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:16,040
There's a poem called Old Santeclaus
With Much Delight from 1821,

285
00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:20,160
explains about the birch rod and
it's Santa who's telling this...

286
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:21,720
"I left a long, black birchen rod

287
00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:23,760
"Such is the dread command of God

288
00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:25,760
"Directs a parent's hand to use

289
00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:28,200
"When virtue's path
his sons refuse."

290
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,680
It's horrible, isn't it? Really.

291
00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:34,040
I used to tell my children that
Santa spied on them

292
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,400
in the form of wildlife.

293
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:43,800
The robins were informers,
all Santa's informers.

294
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:46,720
If you want presents, the robin
can see, he'll tell Santa,

295
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:48,760
the worms can see you!

296
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:50,720
They'll tell Santa.

297
00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:54,360
Do your children ever go out now?
Terrified to do anything?!

298
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:57,320
I would say I am reaping
the whirlwind. Funny.

299
00:14:57,320 --> 00:15:01,000
Let's have a look at your stocking.
My stocking, right.

300
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:04,720
Oh! A nice bottle of wine.
Sherry.

301
00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:06,960
Oh, it's sherry.
Who's it for?

302
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:09,320
Timmy Mallet.
The re...

303
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:12,640
The reindeer?
The police?

304
00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:15,480
What kind of parties do you go to?

305
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,040
At the Tio Pepe winery in Spain,

306
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:21,320
they leave out a glass
of sherry every day,

307
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:25,840
complete with a little ladder
leaning for the mice to enjoy.

308
00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:28,960
There's all sorts of stories
about how this tradition started.

309
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:32,720
Possibly there was a winery worker
who had a soft spot for mice,

310
00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:35,840
or possibly a mouse once snuck
a sip from a worker's glass,

311
00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:38,720
or maybe it's just to keep the mice
from nibbling at the casks,

312
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:40,200
but it's rather sweet, isn't it?

313
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:44,280
I don't know that it's all right
to get the mice pissed!

314
00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:48,880
It's very wrong. Alan,
let's have a look at your stocking.

315
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:50,680
Yes, certainly.

316
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:55,480
Oh! What have you got there?
Fortune-teller miracle...

317
00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:59,520
It's a Swedish fish! I love these.
Mind-reading fish.

318
00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:01,080
I love those.

319
00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:04,360
Do you want to open it up and see
if it will tell you? OK, here we go.

320
00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:07,480
Put it on your hand
and then you will have to tell us,

321
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:09,560
read the thing to tell us what it...

322
00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:12,120
I reckon it's going to curl up
and roll over. Yeah.

323
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:14,760
Oh! Oh!

324
00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:18,000
Moving head - jealousy.

325
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,360
Oh! And... And tail...?

326
00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:23,240
Curling sides - fickle.

327
00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:27,960
Jealous and fickle.

328
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:30,320
Motionless - dead... Oh!

329
00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:34,600
That means suicide. Yes.

330
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:38,040
Anybody know why that...?
How that works?

331
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:41,520
It doesn't work, it's not a...
Those aren't facts.

332
00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:47,480
That's never stopped us before, Joe!

333
00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:49,720
This is all lies. It's lies!

334
00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:51,240
It's about how the fish is made.

335
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:54,240
So, cellophane is made with all
of the strands of cellulose lining

336
00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:57,320
up, and it's the same as in wood,
it's easier to chop along the grain.

337
00:16:57,320 --> 00:17:01,040
So, some of the fish are made with
the grain going head to tail and

338
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:04,480
some are made the other way, and
that makes them move in a particular
way.

339
00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:07,360
It really is not to do with Alan,
although he does seem to be...

340
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,200
I mean, you've made
a troop of them now.

341
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:12,520
That's like synchronised
fish telling.

342
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:16,600
It's like an Oscar-winning
animation.

343
00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:19,120
Dub some dialogue over it.

344
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:22,200
Who's the man with the beard?
He was hilarious!

345
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:28,560
I was hoping for some sheep
shagging - they're all talk.

346
00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:35,600
Anyway... Who would you least like
to jingle your bells this Christmas?

347
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:38,360
Timmy Mallet.

348
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:40,320
Let's put this down.

349
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:43,280
Which bells are we talking about?
The doorbells?

350
00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:45,640
Yes. Oh, carol singers.

351
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:48,320
Yes, it is. Oh! Why?

352
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:51,800
Because they can be really
annoying? I don't know. Yes.

353
00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:53,320
Is that it? Yes, very annoying.

354
00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:56,400
It turns out, people dislike carol
singers, and they always have.

355
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:57,840
They always have?

356
00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:00,360
Yes, so, in 2020,
there was a YouGov survey,

357
00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:03,280
5,300 people were asked what
they thought of them,

358
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:06,320
21% did not want carol singers
to visit because of Covid,

359
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:12,760
55% did not want them to visit
whether there was Covid or not.

360
00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:17,080
And only 13% actively hoped
they'd turn up. Yes.

361
00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:21,120
In fact, in 2009 the Lancashire
Police and local councils
distributed

362
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:24,200
signs to people's homes and to
libraries and GPs and so on that

363
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:27,880
read, "Sorry, no carol singers,
I will not open my door to you."

364
00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:31,360
There was a demand from locals who
said they didn't want it.

365
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:33,840
Large groups made them nervous,
coming to the door.

366
00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:35,520
That bloke in the hat doesn't know

367
00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:39,680
anyone else in that
picture, does he?

368
00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:41,480
Christmas Eve 2018,

369
00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:45,080
North Yorkshire Police revealed they
had a call from a woman in Harrogate

370
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:49,040
reporting the presence
of carol singers in her area.

371
00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:53,400
She said she believed they were from
Leeds and therefore up to no good.

372
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:58,720
Our local church had the worst choir

373
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:01,560
in Britain and
I absolutely loved it.

374
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:03,360
Did they know they were terrible?

375
00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:05,480
They do now,
if they're watching this!

376
00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:09,680
Well, actually, they all got sacked.
They were really upset.

377
00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:14,400
And they've been replaced by better
singers, some of whom are paid.

378
00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:16,960
But it's quite difficult to sing
really badly.

379
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:19,880
You have to be able to sing to be
able to sing badly, really,

380
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:23,160
if you want to do it properly.
That's not true.

381
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:25,600
OK. But if you want to do it in a

382
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:28,920
comedic fashion in a
show or whatever.

383
00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:30,680
But, yes, there are those that

384
00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:33,080
really can't sing,
and it's fantastic.

385
00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:35,240
Bad singing is an art, I think.

386
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:38,280
Should I put it on my CV?

387
00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:40,800
Yes, go for it.

388
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:43,480
Really bad singer.

389
00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:46,240
This is me!

390
00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:51,840
There is a Welsh equivalent of
carol singing and it's a tradition

391
00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:53,400
called Mari Lwyd, and somebody used

392
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:55,560
to parade around town draped
in a cape

393
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:57,800
and holding a real horse
skull on a pole

394
00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:02,560
while their companions
dressed as undead attendants.

395
00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:06,360
And usually they had a spring
so that the jaw could open and close

396
00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:08,640
and then if you wanted to
keep them out of your house,

397
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:11,600
you had to defeat them in a rhyming
battle of wits, like a sort of...

398
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:14,560
Welsh rap.
Yeah, like a rap battle.

399
00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:18,360
And if they beat you,
they got given ale and food.

400
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:21,040
Very popular in the 19th century,
it sort of faded in the 1920s

401
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:23,640
but it is making
a bit of a comeback.

402
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:26,200
And it probably grew
out of the Feast of the Ass.

403
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,200
Things gradually fall apart,
don't they?

404
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:31,160
I was asked a few years

405
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:35,000
ago around Guy Fawkes time
by a couple of kids in Islington

406
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:39,600
who said to me, "Penny for the guy."
And I said, "You haven't got a guy."

407
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:43,760
And they looked at me and they said,

408
00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:46,760
"It's not a penny anyway,
it's a pound."

409
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:50,320
I would imagine Welsh carol singers

410
00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:52,400
would be rather lovely to
actually...

411
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:55,200
I would have thought...
..have outside your door,

412
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:56,600
that's quite different.

413
00:20:56,600 --> 00:21:00,360
Now you're asking for it. One of my
very good friends is Welsh, and...

414
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:03,040
That's a lovely story.

415
00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:05,680
How very liberal of you!

416
00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:08,600
And I'd ring up on Christmas Day to
say happy Christmas and hear all

417
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,520
this drunk singing and fighting

418
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:12,720
going on in the background
and be kind of

419
00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:16,240
really jealous, as my family sat
and ate crisps in different rooms.

420
00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:18,720
Right... End of story.

421
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:22,440
Thanks!
We've all got different dreams!

422
00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:24,720
Speaking of carols, we all

423
00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:28,000
like our snow deep and crisp
and even.

424
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:30,920
But what is it mostly made of?

425
00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:33,880
Woke lefties, that's
what it's full of! Woke lefties?

426
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:36,680
Yeah! Snowflakes! Oh... Yeah!

427
00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:39,040
Mainly air, isn't it?

428
00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:41,240
Yes, it is mainly air.

429
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:44,720
So, powdery, freshly fallen snow
is made up of tiny crystals

430
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:48,200
of frozen water and each
crystal is surrounded by air,

431
00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:50,560
so it's incredibly fluffy and porous

432
00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:55,000
and up to 90-95% of
its total mass is just air.

433
00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:56,760
And that's why, when snow melts,

434
00:21:56,760 --> 00:21:59,040
it seems like there's so little
of it, doesn't it? Yeah.

435
00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:02,880
There's a really good rule of thumb.
One inch of rain corresponds
with about ten inches of snow.

436
00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:05,760
Really? Yeah. Wow.
What does it make, snow...?

437
00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:07,080
If it's got so much air in it,

438
00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:10,280
what's it going to give it
as a quality? Cloudiness.

439
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:13,960
Oh, um, transparency.
Excellent insulator.

440
00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:17,840
Oh! Cos it's full of air. So, if
you're inside a well-built igloo,

441
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:20,720
let's imagine it's -40 degrees
centigrade outside,

442
00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:24,600
your body heat trapped inside
all of that air is enough to make

443
00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:27,440
it a very nice 16 degrees inside.

444
00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:29,920
In Denmark,
because we get quite a lot of snow,

445
00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:32,360
it's always recommended that you
carry a single tealight

446
00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:33,440
and a box of matches,

447
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:36,520
and a single tealight lit on the
dashboard of your car will be enough

448
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:39,320
to keep your warm for the entire
night if you're stuck in snow.

449
00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:41,960
Wow. Oh, that's quite a good tip.

450
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:45,760
I mean, if you get a few across
the dashboard, it's roasting. Yes!

451
00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:47,480
Some marshmallows.

452
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:49,160
Ooh, get your top off!

453
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:51,360
Pouring wax on yourself.

454
00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:58,640
Steaming up the windows.

455
00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:00,000
"What's going on in there?!"

456
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:02,280
"We've run out of petrol!
Bugger off!"

457
00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:08,800
And ice does not have the same
insulating properties as snow,

458
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:11,000
that's why they never build
igloos out of ice.

459
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:13,400
Although, you do get some igloos
where a block of ice

460
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:15,120
has been put in as a window.

461
00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:17,440
A friend of mine took
his fiancee to the Ice Hotel.

462
00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:19,920
Has anyone been to that?
No, I want to go!

463
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:23,440
Apparently it was horrible! Oh!
Cold?

464
00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:25,720
It was a bit chilly! It was!

465
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:29,440
Hith tongue thticks to the window!

466
00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:31,080
Thith hotel's shit!

467
00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:36,880
How often are you licking
windows in hotels?

468
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:39,120
How else do you know they're clean,
Joe?

469
00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:43,480
Have a look at this. What do you
think is causing it?

470
00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:48,280
Oh. Timmy Mallet. Sorry, I can't
stop.

471
00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:50,560
HOOTER

472
00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:52,280
No!

473
00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:55,640
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

474
00:23:57,640 --> 00:24:00,680
Oh, wow.
So it's called an ice shove.

475
00:24:00,680 --> 00:24:03,000
And it is caused when ice is forced

476
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:05,840
up over the edge of a lake or body
of water,

477
00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:07,320
by the currents underneath.

478
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:09,640
And it's almost impossible to stop.
Yeah.

479
00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:13,080
It'll crush trees and houses in the
path. There was a, what's known as

480
00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:15,440
the Great Ice Shove of Montreal,
1836.

481
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:18,080
It brought down an entire whisky
distillery.

482
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:22,120
Snow is one of the very few things
that isn't mostly made of water.

483
00:24:22,120 --> 00:24:25,400
What kind of parasite sticks
around at Christmas

484
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:27,600
and extracts food from the host?

485
00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:29,360
An actor. Yes!

486
00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:33,720
Anywhere to get a free meal!

487
00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:37,120
Is it that thing
that lives in the carpets?

488
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:44,440
Those are your feet, Sally,
they're your feet!

489
00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:47,000
"It's those things
in the carpet again!"

490
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:53,000
Can I ask something? This headband
you're wearing,

491
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:56,040
is it decoration or is
there a serious injury...?

492
00:24:56,040 --> 00:24:58,120
It's very, very tight.

493
00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:04,200
I'm talking about mistletoe.
There we go.

494
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:06,960
Hey! Oh! Yes. That's a parasite?
It's a parasite, yes.

495
00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:09,960
It's part of the sandalwood family,
it sinks its roots into

496
00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:12,320
tree branches
and then it sucks the nutrients

497
00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:14,280
and the water that it needs
out of it. Wow.

498
00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:18,200
So, how are they going to make sure
that their seeds are deposited

499
00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:21,000
on tree branches
rather than on the ground?

500
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:23,240
Birds. Birds, berries...
Birds, yeah.

501
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:26,880
So, the seeds have evolved to be
sticky, and when the birds eat them,

502
00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:29,800
the seeds stick
to their bottoms at the other end,

503
00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:31,760
when it comes out the other end.

504
00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:35,920
And it's actually Anglo-Saxon...
Oh... That's a nice...

505
00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:39,400
That is a mistletoe flowerpecker.
Isn't it beautiful?

506
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:43,960
I think the name is from
the Anglo-Saxon, meaning bird poo.

507
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:48,440
Mistel-tan. Yeah, it's "mist"
is shit or dung. Poo.

508
00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:49,920
And "tan" is twig. Poo twigs.

509
00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:53,520
Poo twigs. That's what they are.
Yeah. Shit stick. Shit stick!

510
00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:58,080
Yeah. So what happens is, they get
these seeds stuck to their bottoms,

511
00:25:58,080 --> 00:26:00,120
and then the only way
for the bird to detach them

512
00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:02,960
is to find some kind of hard,
angular surface to wipe them on,

513
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:05,520
and the tree branch is often
the very best candidate.

514
00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:08,080
And they're usually deposited
along with a rather handy

515
00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:11,720
covering of fertilising faeces.
So, it's absolutely terrific.

516
00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:13,880
Sometimes they regurgitate the seeds
instead

517
00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:16,080
and then they just wipe
their beak on the branch.

518
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:17,480
It's incredibly clever.

519
00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:19,920
The mistletoe genus is
called viscum, so...

520
00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:22,600
It's Latin for mistletoe.
It's where we get viscous from.

521
00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:26,720
Sticky poo. Yeah.
U-poo, if you will. It is!

522
00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:29,760
Do you know how it became romantic?
Why do we kiss underneath it, then?

523
00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:31,920
Yes, it is a weird thing,
isn't it? It's a bit like...

524
00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:35,320
Have a snog under the shit stick!

525
00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:36,440
It's like, honestly?

526
00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:39,880
One of the main birds that does this
is the mistle thrush.

527
00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:43,920
Do you know what? I was once
the voice of Canesten thrush cream.

528
00:26:43,920 --> 00:26:46,160
Were you? Yes, they did a radio
commercial...

529
00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:49,080
And what did you have to say?
..where I was the voice of Can...

530
00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:51,040
Well, the marketing people had
decided

531
00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:54,240
that for the purposes of this
audio-only advert,

532
00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:58,960
the Canesten was going to be a, um,
stand-up comedian.

533
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:01,120
"Have you got an itch?
I've got an itch."

534
00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:03,320
"I went to a bar, had a little
bit of an itch." Yeah.

535
00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:05,520
It was exactly that.
And I thought...

536
00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:07,520
I did a slightly different voice.

537
00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:10,000
"You ever suffer from embarrassing,
burning itching?"

538
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:12,160
"I don't know, do you?"
"Yes..." You know.

539
00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:14,560
I thought, well, no-one will ever
know because I've done

540
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:16,000
a slightly different voice. OK.

541
00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:19,000
And then I got recognised on
the Tube by a blind woman!

542
00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:28,240
"You're the thrush lady!"
BONNIE: "You're the thrush lady."

543
00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:31,360
"I'd recognise that voice anywhere.
You're hilarious!" Anyway...

544
00:27:31,360 --> 00:27:33,440
"What are your thrush jokes?"

545
00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:36,760
..why we use it for romance,
nobody really knows.

546
00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:39,240
It may be associated with
fertility by the Druids.

547
00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:42,480
The white berries may represent
semen, I'm afraid.

548
00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:44,640
So, poo, semen and kisses.

549
00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:46,440
Right. What can I tell you?

550
00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:47,680
Merry Christmas!

551
00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:51,320
Right, in the original pantomimes,

552
00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:53,720
the lead character magically
transformed

553
00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:56,160
the scene halfway through by waving

554
00:27:56,160 --> 00:27:59,400
around a magic what?

555
00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:00,880
Wand! SALLY: Wand.

556
00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:04,000
KLAXON

557
00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:07,360
Where's that, Bon?

558
00:28:07,360 --> 00:28:08,800
I think that was Guildford,

559
00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:11,200
the Yvonne Arnaud Theatre.
That's a good wand, actually.

560
00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:14,280
It's a nice wand. Is there a trick
to doing a proper wand?

561
00:28:14,280 --> 00:28:17,440
One needs to always make sure
that the top of the wand is upright.

562
00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:18,760
You must never...

563
00:28:18,760 --> 00:28:21,880
We've each got a wand, so you can
give us a quick lesson....

564
00:28:21,880 --> 00:28:25,320
Oh! Oh, look! ..in wand holding.
Voila. Aha.

565
00:28:25,320 --> 00:28:28,480
Yes, this is rather a...subtle wand.
Um, one...

566
00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:33,200
Wow, diss the props!

567
00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:35,520
One must hold the wand at the bottom

568
00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:38,600
and then support it
a bit like a sceptre. OK.

569
00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:41,720
Like this, and always make sure
that the magic is held upright

570
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:44,720
and then bestowed on the person.
Mine bends to the left.

571
00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:48,160
And I don't think anybody's
surprised. Yeah.

572
00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:50,520
LAUGHTER

573
00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:53,400
So that's it, wand work. That's it.
Anyway, the answer was not wand.

574
00:28:53,400 --> 00:28:56,880
I think the answer is slapstick.
Is correct.

575
00:28:56,880 --> 00:28:58,400
This is where slapstick comes from.

576
00:28:58,400 --> 00:29:00,400
Yes. Is that right?
So they were initially...

577
00:29:00,400 --> 00:29:03,000
Pantomime, you're kind of looking
about the early 1700s,

578
00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:04,920
and they were initially called
harlequinades

579
00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:07,840
and every show would
begin as a rather serious melodrama

580
00:29:07,840 --> 00:29:11,680
and then about halfway through,
a mischievous magician called

581
00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:14,960
Harlequin would start bashing bits
of scenery with his magic bat

582
00:29:14,960 --> 00:29:17,920
and they were hinged so they would
collapse at a particular moment,

583
00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:19,520
I mean, which must have been great,

584
00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:23,200
and reveal new scenery behind. And
the sound of the stick smacking was

585
00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:25,880
also the signal for the stagehands
to run on and transform the set,

586
00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:28,360
and from that moment on, the whole
tone of the show changed.

587
00:29:28,360 --> 00:29:30,080
It wasn't a serious
melodrama any more.

588
00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:33,400
It was, well, it was out-and-out
farce with absurd chase scenes and

589
00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:36,120
comic pratfalls, and it turned into,

590
00:29:36,120 --> 00:29:38,640
by the 1800s... BONNIE: Oh, yes!
..a proper slapstick.

591
00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:41,160
So it is two sticks
joined by a hinge.

592
00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:44,200
Yeah. I'm not very good at it.

593
00:29:44,200 --> 00:29:45,720
LAUGHTER

594
00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:48,800
And that's, um, that's where we get
the word "slapstick" from.

595
00:29:48,800 --> 00:29:51,400
That came from commedia dell'arte,
didn't it? Yes.

596
00:29:51,400 --> 00:29:54,240
So commedia dell'arte is where we
get improv from, it's where we get
the

597
00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:57,080
beginnings of panto and Harlequinade
from in the 16th century. Yeah.

598
00:29:57,080 --> 00:29:59,440
But the interesting thing about it
is that women played equal parts

599
00:29:59,440 --> 00:30:01,880
in commedia dell'arte and then that
disappears.

600
00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:03,400
They were kind of ahead of the game

601
00:30:03,400 --> 00:30:05,880
as far as women performing
on the stage was concerned.

602
00:30:05,880 --> 00:30:09,080
So slapstick is often cited as one
of the earliest special effects

603
00:30:09,080 --> 00:30:11,320
and there is an even earlier one,
and I love this.

604
00:30:11,320 --> 00:30:13,800
It was invented by a playwright
called John Dennis.

605
00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:17,400
So in 1709, he staged his own play
called Appius And Virginia.

606
00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:20,360
It doesn't sound very good. It was
a tragedy set in ancient Rome.

607
00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:22,360
Nobody liked it. But what they
really liked

608
00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:24,440
was his new thunder machine.
It was amazing.

609
00:30:24,440 --> 00:30:28,360
He generated these really realistic
sound effects for stormy scenes.

610
00:30:28,360 --> 00:30:29,920
Anyway, the play did not do very
well

611
00:30:29,920 --> 00:30:34,120
and it closed after a few nights
and was replaced by Macbeth.

612
00:30:34,120 --> 00:30:35,800
And when Dennis, the playwright,

613
00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:37,680
turned up to watch
the Macbeth production,

614
00:30:37,680 --> 00:30:42,320
he was outraged to hear his very
distinctive sound effect being used.

615
00:30:42,320 --> 00:30:45,720
They had literally stolen his
thunder.

616
00:30:45,720 --> 00:30:47,120
BONNIE: Oh! And that is where...

617
00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:49,480
Is that where it came from? Is that
"steal my thunder..."? Yes.

618
00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:51,560
Oh, well there you go! It's great,
isn't it?

619
00:30:51,560 --> 00:30:54,040
And the thunder, was it
because they used a sheet of metal?

620
00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:56,520
They used to use sheets of metal but
there was also a thing

621
00:30:56,520 --> 00:30:58,440
called a Thunder Run, which I wish
they still had.

622
00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:01,560
They used to make a pipe, set
into the wall of some theatres,

623
00:31:01,560 --> 00:31:04,240
so it would start very high up,
sort of in the gods

624
00:31:04,240 --> 00:31:06,240
and it would wrap its way
round the building,

625
00:31:06,240 --> 00:31:08,440
and you dropped a cannonball into it
and it would rumble,

626
00:31:08,440 --> 00:31:10,680
so it was almost as if you could
hear the thunder going all

627
00:31:10,680 --> 00:31:13,320
the way around the building. Cool.
Ooh! That is cool, isn't it?

628
00:31:13,320 --> 00:31:14,680
Yeah. That's clever.

629
00:31:14,680 --> 00:31:17,280
It would be annoying to start it at
the wrong time, wouldn't it?

630
00:31:17,280 --> 00:31:18,400
"Stop!"

631
00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:22,480
"Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art
thou..." Oh, dear. Oh, no.

632
00:31:22,480 --> 00:31:25,600
The word claptrap comes from the
same period,

633
00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:28,040
anybody ever engaged in claptrap?

634
00:31:28,040 --> 00:31:30,200
It's a theatrical thing. Is it?

635
00:31:30,200 --> 00:31:33,560
So it comes from the 1720s. I love
this. It's a phrase

636
00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:35,920
or a gag put in by a performer

637
00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:38,000
to elicit easy applause. Oh!

638
00:31:38,000 --> 00:31:39,720
Yeah. It's just...

639
00:31:39,720 --> 00:31:41,360
It's a trap to get people to clap.

640
00:31:41,360 --> 00:31:44,360
Yes. But there are many people who
love their entrance round.

641
00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:46,160
Yes. There is this...

642
00:31:46,160 --> 00:31:49,560
..way of getting applause when you
first walk on if you want a sort of

643
00:31:49,560 --> 00:31:53,320
an entrance round. You walk on and
you go, "Ohhhhh! Thank you so much."

644
00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:54,920
And also, I do remember,

645
00:31:54,920 --> 00:31:58,320
being in the audience when... I
remember going to see Hello, Dolly!

646
00:31:58,320 --> 00:32:01,200
with Carol Channing, and her
husband used to nip through

647
00:32:01,200 --> 00:32:04,080
the pass door, from backstage
through to the auditorium,

648
00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:06,680
and would start the applause for her
as she walked on.

649
00:32:06,680 --> 00:32:09,360
That was his... A clapper. Yeah.

650
00:32:09,360 --> 00:32:12,560
But I've seen people, particularly
in musicals... Just one person. Wow.

651
00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:14,680
..do a big number and go off into
the wings,

652
00:32:14,680 --> 00:32:16,760
and as they go off, they go,
"Brilliant!"

653
00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:19,320
And it just gets people going.

654
00:32:19,320 --> 00:32:23,640
Mind you, if you went round through
the pass door and on she came,

655
00:32:23,640 --> 00:32:25,160
and you went, "Boo!"

656
00:32:25,160 --> 00:32:27,480
Well, then it'd be divorce,
wouldn't it?

657
00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:29,760
Get off, get off! Yeah, get off.

658
00:32:29,760 --> 00:32:31,480
There's also "ah" baits as well,
isn't there?

659
00:32:31,480 --> 00:32:33,640
Where you try and get the audience
to say "ah".

660
00:32:33,640 --> 00:32:35,440
Oh! Yeah.

661
00:32:35,440 --> 00:32:37,640
Just kind of... Yeah. Yeah.

662
00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:39,960
So anyway,

663
00:32:39,960 --> 00:32:43,120
how did Charles Dickens cook this
person's goose?

664
00:32:43,120 --> 00:32:46,880
Was it not that Charles Dickens...

665
00:32:46,880 --> 00:32:51,960
So Scrooge sees the Cratchits who
are very poor, having a goose. Yeah.

666
00:32:51,960 --> 00:32:54,760
And therefore he gives them,
as a luxury item, a turkey.

667
00:32:54,760 --> 00:32:59,720
Therefore, from then on, people
decided that if you had a goose
for Christmas, you were considered

668
00:32:59,720 --> 00:33:02,120
to be poor. That's exactly right.
Very good.

669
00:33:02,120 --> 00:33:04,600
APPLAUSE

670
00:33:04,600 --> 00:33:08,760
By the 1840s, elaborate Christmas
celebrations were sort of dying out
in Britain.

671
00:33:08,760 --> 00:33:13,120
And it was Dickens who famously
rebooted it by publishing
Christmas Carol.

672
00:33:13,120 --> 00:33:16,200
And the goose had been the
traditional Christmas fare for...

673
00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:18,080
..well, since medieval times,
really.

674
00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:21,360
And then, as you say, in the story,
he gives them a turkey instead.

675
00:33:21,360 --> 00:33:25,000
Now, it's possible he was just
indicating a shift in preference
anyway,

676
00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:27,960
that was happening in society,
going from goose to turkey.

677
00:33:27,960 --> 00:33:30,680
Queen Victoria always served a
boar's head for Christmas dinner.

678
00:33:30,680 --> 00:33:33,040
Hmm. Well, I like the story.

679
00:33:33,040 --> 00:33:38,200
I like the idea that it's just a
boring person. Yeah.

680
00:33:38,200 --> 00:33:40,640
Who shall we have for the boar's
head this year?

681
00:33:40,640 --> 00:33:43,120
So what used to happen
was the German Emperor and

682
00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:46,160
the King of Saxony both sent her
a boar's head at Christmas.

683
00:33:46,160 --> 00:33:49,960
But the cook thought they didn't
cook very well so he used to get a
normal

684
00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:53,640
pig's head and dress it to look like
a wild boar. And she never knew.

685
00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:57,200
Ah! Yeah, painted the eyes to look a
bit more boary.

686
00:33:57,200 --> 00:33:59,880
Brussels sprouts are a Christmas
dinner staple

687
00:33:59,880 --> 00:34:02,840
but is there any way to make them
bearable?

688
00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:05,840
Well, my friend's family, they play,
um,

689
00:34:05,840 --> 00:34:07,800
fart tennis at Christmas.

690
00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:12,720
So you eat as many sprouts as you
can, and then you have one side

691
00:34:12,720 --> 00:34:16,840
of the table against the other side
of the table, scoring fart for fart.

692
00:34:16,840 --> 00:34:19,400
But you don't do it with an
actual ball? No? It's just...

693
00:34:19,400 --> 00:34:21,720
No, well, you do it with a fart,
so you...

694
00:34:21,720 --> 00:34:24,560
"15 love!" No, I like the idea that
the fart was so powerful

695
00:34:24,560 --> 00:34:28,080
it could propel the ball across the
table. That would be good. Yeah.

696
00:34:28,080 --> 00:34:30,600
Chestnuts make sprouts bearable.

697
00:34:30,600 --> 00:34:33,360
Well, I think roasted,
they are absolutely lovely.

698
00:34:33,360 --> 00:34:36,400
I steam them a bit and then fry them
in curry powder.

699
00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:38,560
Whoa!

700
00:34:38,560 --> 00:34:41,040
So you have some sprouts. Do we?

701
00:34:41,040 --> 00:34:43,880
Do I? Yes, you have some sprouts in
a tin.

702
00:34:43,880 --> 00:34:47,640
Oh, Auntie Sandi! I know.
BONNIE: Oh, look at that!

703
00:34:47,640 --> 00:34:49,520
So open up your Brussels sprouts

704
00:34:49,520 --> 00:34:52,560
and then you also have
a glass of red wine.

705
00:34:52,560 --> 00:34:54,560
What scientists have discovered

706
00:34:54,560 --> 00:34:56,640
is that Brussels sprouts taste less

707
00:34:56,640 --> 00:34:59,720
bitter if you take a sip of red wine

708
00:34:59,720 --> 00:35:02,280
between each mouthful, OK?

709
00:35:02,280 --> 00:35:04,400
Have a sip of red wine and then...

710
00:35:04,400 --> 00:35:06,280
Well, I might do one as a tester.

711
00:35:06,280 --> 00:35:09,840
OK, fine, do that. What,
to see if it tastes disgusting,

712
00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:12,160
and then it's better with
the red wine? OK.

713
00:35:12,160 --> 00:35:14,680
Then... Fucking hell!

714
00:35:14,680 --> 00:35:17,560
LAUGHTER

715
00:35:22,000 --> 00:35:25,200
So the astringency of the red wine,
so the rough dry mouth feel

716
00:35:25,200 --> 00:35:28,160
you get when you drink it,
it's possible it stops your saliva

717
00:35:28,160 --> 00:35:31,600
being able to pass the bitter taste
to your taste buds.

718
00:35:31,600 --> 00:35:34,560
Or you just get piddly-pom.
Does it work with the red?

719
00:35:34,560 --> 00:35:36,200
The red wine is working.

720
00:35:36,200 --> 00:35:38,840
Is that working? Yes. That's it, it
is, yeah.

721
00:35:38,840 --> 00:35:40,800
It's going to be
15-love in a minute.

722
00:35:40,800 --> 00:35:43,280
SANDI LAUGHS

723
00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:46,160
We will win, my friend. We will win.

724
00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:48,600
We're going to murder them!

725
00:35:48,600 --> 00:35:51,360
Bonnie Langford's farts can only be
heard by a dog.

726
00:35:54,360 --> 00:35:56,000
BONNIE: Is there a tune?

727
00:35:58,280 --> 00:36:00,720
Well, it's almost time to wrap
up for the present

728
00:36:00,720 --> 00:36:04,520
but not before you total turkeys
get stuffed by General Ignorance.

729
00:36:04,520 --> 00:36:07,400
I tell you what,
let's make it a bit more festive.

730
00:36:07,400 --> 00:36:09,720
You can light your Christmassy
candles, OK? Ooh! OK.

731
00:36:09,720 --> 00:36:12,200
We've got a lovely candle here
How lovely.

732
00:36:12,200 --> 00:36:14,800
There we go. Um...

733
00:36:14,800 --> 00:36:16,680
Oh. ..like that.

734
00:36:16,680 --> 00:36:18,640
Oh, look at that. Isn't that pretty?

735
00:36:18,640 --> 00:36:23,360
It is pretty. Let me light that up.
CHILD'S VOICE: Donkey!

736
00:36:23,360 --> 00:36:25,000
It won't stay on.

737
00:36:25,000 --> 00:36:26,960
That was a very good doorbell.
Donkey!

738
00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:29,440
LAUGHTER

739
00:36:29,440 --> 00:36:32,320
Here's the thing, because of, um,
because of health and safety...

740
00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:33,960
Donkey.

741
00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:38,320
LAUGHTER

742
00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:40,480
Oh, God,
why did we give you the ass?

743
00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:44,920
I now need you to snuff your candles

744
00:36:44,920 --> 00:36:47,160
and you have what you need to
snuff them beside you.

745
00:36:47,160 --> 00:36:49,560
Oh, very nice. Look at that.

746
00:36:49,560 --> 00:36:52,360
OK...

747
00:36:52,360 --> 00:36:53,560
Not like that?

748
00:36:53,560 --> 00:36:55,160
I didn't do it, I didn't do it!

749
00:36:55,160 --> 00:36:57,920
SANDI LAUGHS

750
00:36:57,920 --> 00:36:59,400
What are we supposed to do with it?

751
00:36:59,400 --> 00:37:02,920
In fact, it is an expression that is
always used wrongly today.

752
00:37:02,920 --> 00:37:06,040
It actually means to cause
the candle to burn brighter

753
00:37:06,040 --> 00:37:09,560
and what you do is you do
it by trimming the wick,

754
00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:11,640
in order to make it go brighter,

755
00:37:11,640 --> 00:37:14,480
so, you cut a little bit of the wick

756
00:37:14,480 --> 00:37:17,360
like that and the flame will go up.

757
00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:19,840
It is actually the opposite of what
we think it is. Oh!

758
00:37:19,840 --> 00:37:22,600
Sandi. Yeah. I don't think it works.
Oh!

759
00:37:24,640 --> 00:37:27,760
Don't cut the whole thing off, you
fool! Just a tiny bit.

760
00:37:27,760 --> 00:37:30,240
Thank God you don't do
circumcisions.

761
00:37:32,960 --> 00:37:36,520
You get it in Northanger Abbey. Jane
Austen says she attempted to snuff

762
00:37:36,520 --> 00:37:40,040
the dim candle but to her horror she
only succeeded in putting it out.

763
00:37:40,040 --> 00:37:41,560
Can I just show you a trick?

764
00:37:41,560 --> 00:37:44,800
So first of all, I'm going
to light my lighter.

765
00:37:47,280 --> 00:37:49,040
BONNIE GASPS

766
00:37:49,040 --> 00:37:51,000
Is it because you...
Just the smoke?

767
00:37:51,000 --> 00:37:53,480
The smoke is enough to draw it
back down.

768
00:37:57,320 --> 00:37:59,720
That's so cool! Oh, that's like
a magic trick.

769
00:37:59,720 --> 00:38:02,360
Have a look at the video
and it makes it a little bit clearer

770
00:38:02,360 --> 00:38:05,360
but it is actually as if the flame
is passing down through the smoke.

771
00:38:05,360 --> 00:38:07,920
Mm. So there, it goes out.

772
00:38:10,800 --> 00:38:13,320
Into the flame, smoke...

773
00:38:13,320 --> 00:38:14,920
..and look at it travelling.

774
00:38:14,920 --> 00:38:17,400
Ah! That's amazing.

775
00:38:17,400 --> 00:38:21,080
Boom. SALLY: That is... Wow. Cool,
man. That is a good trick, isn't it?

776
00:38:21,080 --> 00:38:23,160
That's a very good trick.
BONNIE: I like that.

777
00:38:23,160 --> 00:38:26,840
Is it dangerous to do that? No,
darling, not in the slightest.

778
00:38:26,840 --> 00:38:28,880
BONNIE GASPS

779
00:38:28,880 --> 00:38:32,600
Oh! Agh!
I've got hot wax on my finger.

780
00:38:32,600 --> 00:38:35,080
God, it reminds me
of that car journey with Alan.

781
00:38:35,080 --> 00:38:37,000
LAUGHTER

782
00:38:37,000 --> 00:38:41,240
I thought you were going to say...
You weren't cold, though, were you?

783
00:38:41,240 --> 00:38:45,120
LAUGHTER

784
00:38:45,120 --> 00:38:49,040
Um, does anybody want to see
my candle salad? Hell, yes.

785
00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:51,440
BONNIE: Oh, I say!

786
00:38:51,440 --> 00:38:53,480
Reminds me of that car journey with
Alan.

787
00:38:53,480 --> 00:38:56,720
LAUGHTER

788
00:38:56,720 --> 00:38:59,040
It's really disturbing!

789
00:38:59,040 --> 00:39:02,400
It's hard to believe this was a
popular dinner party treat...

790
00:39:02,400 --> 00:39:03,920
JOE LAUGHS

791
00:39:03,920 --> 00:39:08,960
..a popular dinner party treat
in America in the 1950s.

792
00:39:08,960 --> 00:39:12,000
It was used as a way quite often
of introducing children to cooking.

793
00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:14,760
It's supposed to represent
a candle, OK?

794
00:39:14,760 --> 00:39:16,320
It is a banana sticking out

795
00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:18,360
of pineapple rings with a cherry,

796
00:39:18,360 --> 00:39:20,080
that's the flame, fixed to the top,

797
00:39:20,080 --> 00:39:22,560
and the mayonnaise dribbling
down the side... Mayonnaise?!

798
00:39:22,560 --> 00:39:23,680
..I'm just saying,

799
00:39:23,680 --> 00:39:26,520
is meant to represent candle wax.
What's wrong with these people?

800
00:39:26,520 --> 00:39:28,640
And, apparently, people who
presented

801
00:39:28,640 --> 00:39:32,560
these recipes were totally
naive about what it actually...

802
00:39:32,560 --> 00:39:34,320
..looked like. Really?

803
00:39:34,320 --> 00:39:36,360
What does it look like, Sandi?

804
00:39:36,360 --> 00:39:37,840
Um...

805
00:39:37,840 --> 00:39:41,280
LAUGHTER

806
00:39:41,280 --> 00:39:43,400
Those things that live in the
carpet.

807
00:39:43,400 --> 00:39:47,280
LAUGHTER

808
00:39:47,280 --> 00:39:50,240
The candle salad was a perfectly
innocent culinary treat

809
00:39:50,240 --> 00:39:53,640
and I don't know why anyone would
think otherwise.

810
00:39:53,640 --> 00:39:57,840
Finally, what was the name of the
guy who invented this screwdriver?

811
00:39:57,840 --> 00:40:00,240
Gold! Phillips!

812
00:40:00,240 --> 00:40:03,480
Oh...

813
00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:09,240
No, it was actually... The man
Phillips that it's named after was

814
00:40:09,240 --> 00:40:11,000
a businessman who
spotted its potential.

815
00:40:11,000 --> 00:40:14,480
It was invented by an Englishman
called John Frierson in the 1870s.

816
00:40:14,480 --> 00:40:17,920
It is known as having
a cruciform orifice.

817
00:40:17,920 --> 00:40:21,160
That's the Holy Grail, isn't it?
I know, right? Of screwdrivers.

818
00:40:21,160 --> 00:40:23,840
LAUGHTER

819
00:40:23,840 --> 00:40:25,640
This businessman, Henry Phillips,

820
00:40:25,640 --> 00:40:28,280
he bought the patent and he
introduced it to General Motors and

821
00:40:28,280 --> 00:40:31,520
then World War II happened and all
the military manufacturers used it.

822
00:40:31,520 --> 00:40:36,360
But what else is a screwdriver which
is more interesting at Christmas?

823
00:40:36,360 --> 00:40:38,160
Angels! Ah!

824
00:40:38,160 --> 00:40:40,960
Alcohol. Yes, it is a cocktail.

825
00:40:40,960 --> 00:40:43,800
Everybody's got a drink.
Have a drink.

826
00:40:43,800 --> 00:40:45,640
Ooh.
BONNIE: Wahey! Right.

827
00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:49,200
Sally, do you know what you've got?
Orange juice.

828
00:40:49,200 --> 00:40:50,360
It's a Screwdriver,

829
00:40:50,360 --> 00:40:52,880
apparently, a drink that arrived at
the end of World War II

830
00:40:52,880 --> 00:40:55,800
either from the Armed Forces or the
oil workers and most people say it's

831
00:40:55,800 --> 00:40:57,200
because they used a screwdriver to

832
00:40:57,200 --> 00:40:59,360
mix the vodka in with their orange
juice. Oh.

833
00:40:59,360 --> 00:41:01,120
But I've got my favourite drink

834
00:41:01,120 --> 00:41:04,080
and it is the S series,
so it's SH-ampagne.

835
00:41:04,080 --> 00:41:05,720
BONNIE LAUGHS

836
00:41:05,720 --> 00:41:07,960
Shh!

837
00:41:07,960 --> 00:41:10,960
Cheers. Cheers! Cheers! Cheers!
So let's have a look at the scores.

838
00:41:10,960 --> 00:41:15,200
Oh, the biggest loser
in our Nativity with -8,

839
00:41:15,200 --> 00:41:16,760
oh, it's Bonnie. Yes.

840
00:41:16,760 --> 00:41:18,640
APPLAUSE

841
00:41:18,640 --> 00:41:21,040
Thank you. Thank you.

842
00:41:22,360 --> 00:41:25,640
In third place with -6, it's Joe.
Ah, that's nice! Yay!

843
00:41:25,640 --> 00:41:29,160
APPLAUSE

844
00:41:29,160 --> 00:41:32,280
In second place with two whole
points, it's Alan. Yay!

845
00:41:32,280 --> 00:41:34,840
APPLAUSE

846
00:41:36,560 --> 00:41:40,840
In first place, with 13 full
festive points, it's Sally!

847
00:41:40,840 --> 00:41:45,280
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

848
00:41:49,160 --> 00:41:52,120
Thanks, to Bonnie, Joe,
Sally and Alan,

849
00:41:52,120 --> 00:41:55,520
and it only remains to say, from
all of us here, Merry Christmas.

850
00:41:55,520 --> 00:41:57,280
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas!

851
00:41:57,280 --> 00:41:59,680
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

852
00:41:59,680 --> 00:42:03,360
Merry Christmas!

853
00:42:04,880 --> 00:42:07,160
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

854
00:42:07,160 --> 00:42:08,960
Merry Christmas, you filthy animal.

855
00:42:08,960 --> 00:42:10,680
Merry Christmas. Don't drink it!

856
00:42:12,440 --> 00:42:14,920
Happy Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Cheers.

857
00:42:14,920 --> 00:42:18,320
Merry Christmas.
I hope you are, too.

858
00:42:18,320 --> 00:42:20,400
Cariad's pissed. I'm so pissed!

859
00:42:20,400 --> 00:42:22,880
Merry Christmas! Happy Christmas.

860
00:42:22,880 --> 00:42:24,440
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

861
00:42:24,440 --> 00:42:26,080
Happy Christmas, please.

862
00:42:26,080 --> 00:42:28,960
Merry Christmas and a happy New
Year. Merry Christmas.

863
00:42:30,400 --> 00:42:32,040
Merry Christmas.

864
00:42:32,040 --> 00:42:34,200
HAT JINGLES

865
00:42:34,200 --> 00:42:37,640
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas,
happy New Year. Merry Christmas.

866
00:42:37,640 --> 00:42:40,520
Merry Christmas.
Merry Nish-mas.

867
00:42:40,520 --> 00:42:42,880
Wow, it's like Jesus himself
wishing it to you.

868
00:42:44,640 --> 00:42:46,280
Merry Christmas, one and all.

869
00:42:46,280 --> 00:42:48,120
And a very Merry Christmas to you.

870
00:42:48,120 --> 00:42:49,440
Merry Christmas.

871
00:42:49,440 --> 00:42:51,800
Nollaig Shona daoibh go leir! Ah!

872
00:42:51,800 --> 00:42:54,960
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

873
00:42:54,960 --> 00:42:57,000
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

874
00:42:59,520 --> 00:43:02,440
Happy Christmas. Happy Christmas.

875
00:43:04,720 --> 00:43:08,640
That's what I'm like at Christmas.
Well, all the year round, really.

876
00:43:08,640 --> 00:43:10,560
Happy Christmas. Happy Christmas.

877
00:43:10,560 --> 00:43:12,040
Happy Christmas.

878
00:43:12,040 --> 00:43:13,920
I didn't sell that, did I?

879
00:43:13,920 --> 00:43:15,320
Can I do mine again?

880
00:43:15,320 --> 00:43:17,240
Do you know what? Happy Christmas.

881
00:43:17,240 --> 00:43:19,080
Oh!

882
00:43:19,080 --> 00:43:20,440
Merry Christmas.

883
00:43:20,440 --> 00:43:22,080
Oi! Merry Christmas!

884
00:43:22,080 --> 00:43:23,240
Merry Christmas.

885
00:43:24,760 --> 00:43:26,880
What the...?

886
00:43:29,120 --> 00:43:30,680
I, I don't know....

887
00:43:30,680 --> 00:43:32,440
Keep it in! Keep it in!

888
00:43:32,440 --> 00:43:33,920
Happy Christmas.

889
00:43:38,680 --> 00:43:42,080
APPLAUSE