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Good evening, and welcome
to the qi cutting room floor,

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where tonight we are sifting
through the most scintillating snippets

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from series s.

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Let's dive right in.
Roll the first clip.

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The international space station
has had a lavatory upgrade.

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Here it is. Ooh, look at that!

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It's called the universal
waste management system,

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and it cost $23 million.

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What? That costs
$23 million? Yeah.

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So... For one?

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Yeah, for one.

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So everybody has to share on
the international space station.

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Here's the thing. This
particular toilet has the ability

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to sort faecal bits from
the rest of the waste

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to allow the liquid
to be recycled.

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23 million! Wait.

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You can buy a sieve for 4.99.

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Well... What are
they recycling it as?

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No, no, don't you dare.

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They're recycling the
liquid as... Lucozade.

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No. As water?

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Drinking water. Drinking water.

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Drinking water. No!

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For them on the spaceship?! Mm.

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Oh, come on! No,
for the royal family.

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Sandi laughs

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but there was a problem.
It was a really big problem

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in the early days. They used to
have to put some germ killing liquid

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in the bag with the faeces,

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and then they had to
knead it for a few minutes.

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Gasping

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they, themselves? Yes,
so it could be stabilised.

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And then it was stowed
away for re-entry.

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Re-entry?!

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Wow!

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Surely they could
just put it in the bin?

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You know, we're all
stronger than we realise.

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I learnt this when I was a very
little boy because I was born

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in Germany after
the second world war.

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The late 1940s. Not a
lot of work for the circuses.

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And my parents engaged
a couple to look after me,

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as a sort of nanny
and governess.

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And they were strong
people from the local circus.

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So almost the first things I
learnt were to walk the tightrope

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and to stand on my head
and to be a strong baby.

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We can all do this
experiment now.

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Put your hand on your
head - like this. Ok.

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Oh, I've got to find my head.

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Now, with your other
hand, attempt to lift

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your arm off your
head - from underneath.

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Just push it. Please do this
at home if you're watching.

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You can't do it, can you?
No. You really cannot do it.

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The strongest
person in the world,

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that strong woman, could
not lift my hand from my head.

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It's all done with mechanics.

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They're not
particularly strong at all.

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That's the trick I
learnt when I was two,

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and I'm pleased after
all these years to be able

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to share it with you now.

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Someone told you that
when you were two?

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Yes. And you remembered it?

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Yes. How?!

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I treasured it. Yeah.

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I don't... never ask giles
a follow-up question.

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We now think that munch's
figure was in fact inspired

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by a Peruvian mummy, which
he saw when he went to a visit

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at the ethnographic
exchange museum in Paris.

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It's a chachapoyas warrior
who lived in the Amazon,

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maybe around 1,000 years ago.

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He's just got his
orthodontist bill.

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Yes, argh!

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Teeth aren't bad for 1,000
years. They're not bad, are they?

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No. No, that's all right.

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But when it was brought to
Paris, it did have a big effect

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on a lot of people, because
Paul Gauguin is thought

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to have been inspired by
exactly the same mummy.

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There's a marvellous painting of
his called where do we come from?

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What are we? Where are we going?

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And if you look down in the
bottom left hand, you can see.

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It's thought that he was inspired
by the same 1,000-year-old figure.

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That's someone saying, "nine,
ten - coming, ready or not!"

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"I'm on my way! On my way!"

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"Put your top on!"

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Oh! "Don't like
it! Don't like it!"

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"I don't want to. I
like being like this.

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"I like being free. I
like being outside.

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"Mum!

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"You're the only
one with your top off!

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"The only one on the beach!"

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Here's the thing,
we shake hands.

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We also shake heads.

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I think we've said this
before on this show, Alan.

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In some countries, like
Bulgaria, they shake for yes

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and nod for no. Mm.

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So we're going to
try a little experiment.

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I'm going to ask you a
series of quickfire questions

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with yes or no answers, right?

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You have to answer immediately,
but whatever answer you give

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with your voice, you have to
give the opposite with your head.

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Oh! Ok? And I'll ping my
pinger if you get it wrong.

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Does everybody understand?

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You pinging your pinger? No.

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Yes, I do understand. Yes.

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I just want to catch you out.

105
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Yes. Ok, all right. I'm ready.

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John, was the first James Bond
film the one about the doctor?

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Yes.

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I don't know! That's right.

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Is it right? Yes.

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What was the name of the doctor?

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No.

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Eshaan, do you know
what band featured

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the keyboard player
Rick wakeman?

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No.

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You don't know?! No.

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Ok... But it's...

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It's...

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..Yes!

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The band is called
yes. Yes is the band.

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But you didn't know? I...

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No. They laugh

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so, invisible ink, not the only
way to send secret messages.

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You can also do it with eggs.

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Does anybody know how?
Oh, with the egg white?

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Is it the egg white?
No, with an actual egg.

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So you send somebody
an egg. Mm-hm.

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This. And it's got a
secret message. But how?

128
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You can see nothing written.

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Do you have to put it in
something? Like, liquid?

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So it was a 16th
century Italian scholar

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called giambattista della porta,

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and he was really
interested in cryptography.

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He was known as the
professor of secrets,

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and he used to use
eggs to send messages.

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So what it is, is you leave the
egg in vinegar for four hours.

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Ok? This softens the shell.

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Then you make a tiny
little incision in the shell.

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You slot a small message
through the incision,

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so the paper sits basically
between the shell and the egg white.

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You then repair the cut using
some plant gum or something

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and put the egg
back into cold water,

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and that will harden
the shell again.

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So let me show you.

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There we go. Like that. Whoa!

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And in here is a
message that says...

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Oh, wow! Wow! ..Top secret.

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Isn't that great?
That is beautiful!

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Yeah. That is so cool.

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That's so cool, isn't it?

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Are some of my other
records on your list?

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No, darling. What are
your other records?

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Oh, well... oh, I can't
believe I asked you that.

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They laugh

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the longest ever screen kiss.

155
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You? Me.

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Were you alone?

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The record was held for many years
by Regis toomey and Jane Wyman,

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the first wife of Ronald
Reagan. Yes, indeed.

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In a film called you're
in the army now,

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in the 1940s, they had an
osculatory marathon that lasted

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about two and a half minutes.

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And I thought it'd be rather
fun to see if I could beat this

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on screen and be in the
guinness book of records again

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for the longest
sustained screen kiss.

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And this was in the 1980s,

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and I was on a
programme called TV-am

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with a lovely presenter,
Anne diamond.

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And she agreed on
Valentine's day to give it a go.

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And so we began kissing.

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The clock was ticking, but these
were the early days of TV-am

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and we had a mission to explain,

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and unfortunately, about
two minutes into our kiss,

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we had to go live to
Moscow for coverage

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of president brezhnev's funeral.

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They laugh

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you killed brezhnev?

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And it was felt inappropriate.

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They wanted to put the picture
in the corner of the screen.

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But actually, as madame
brezhnev was weeping

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and the body was being put
into... They felt it was inappropriate.

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Anyway, so we did not break
the record on that occasion.

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But a year later, I thought,
"I'm going to do it again."

183
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So here we are, on Valentine's
day, and there is the lovely

184
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Cheryl baker from
bucks fizz. I remember.

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She's still lovely.
She's still brilliant.

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Anne said no? Anne said
two minutes was enough.

187
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Anne said, "how's the Russian
president before we start?"

188
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Anyway, the long and the
short of it is I've held the record

189
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for the longest ever screen
kiss - with Cheryl baker.

190
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Thank you. Thank you.

191
00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:02,960
What might make you suspect
that someone was a spy?

192
00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:05,040
James gasps

193
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:10,440
ok, I've actually got to say
I'm very overqualified for this.

194
00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:12,840
Oh, are you? Ok.
Well, I've met a spy.

195
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,000
Have you? Yeah.

196
00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:16,680
My father's an African
politician in Malawi.

197
00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:18,920
A few years ago,
he was arrested.

198
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:20,920
His office blew up.

199
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,920
And, panicked, he
asked me and my brother

200
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:25,680
to find him a spy...

201
00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:27,280
Daliso laughs ..Essentially...

202
00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:28,920
..To investigate stuff.

203
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:34,800
And all of this culminated in us
meeting a spy at wetherspoons.

204
00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:38,840
Was it "shaken not
stirred" Saturdays?

205
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:44,120
So the nursery rhyme that we
were talking about at the beginning,

206
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,160
that was very first
published in 1813

207
00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:47,920
in Peter Piper's
practical principles

208
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:49,600
of plain and perfect
pronunciation.

209
00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:51,680
And it has a tongue
twister for every single letter

210
00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:53,920
of the alphabet. So here
is the one that we think

211
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:56,720
is based on this
character, Pierre poivre.

212
00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:59,360
But this is the s series, so
we've got the rhyme for s.

213
00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:00,680
Who wants to try? Let's do it.

214
00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:02,680
Do it? Jason? Go for it.

215
00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:05,760
Sammy smellie smelt
a smell of small-coal.

216
00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:08,120
Did Sammy smellie smell
a smelt of small-coal?

217
00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:10,080
If Sammy smellie smelt
a smell of small-coal,

218
00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:12,800
where's the smell of small-coal
Sammy smellie smelt?

219
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,760
Applause yay!

220
00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:17,200
Woo!

221
00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:18,680
Wow!

222
00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:21,800
I'm having the same sort of
surge of rage that I used to have

223
00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:24,920
when one of my siblings would
get praised for doing a simple task.

224
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:26,560
Yeah, yeah. We also haven't...

225
00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:27,920
No, it's amazing.

226
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,920
Whoa, whoa! What are
you clapping that for?

227
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,400
He's just read it! All right.

228
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:35,080
All right, Billy big balls,
you have a go. Yeah, go on.

229
00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:37,400
Sammy smellie smelt
a smell of small-coal.

230
00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:40,000
It's on the bloody
screen! All of it! All of it!

231
00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:41,920
Did Sammy smellie smell
a smelt of small-coal?

232
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:43,800
If Sammy smellie smelt
a smell of small-coal,

233
00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:46,000
where's the smell of small-coal
Sammy smellie smelt?

234
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,800
Did do it faster.

235
00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:50,040
I don't want
applause! It's reading!

236
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:53,320
Well done, Alan.

237
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:55,440
Ok, no, that's
terribly impressive.

238
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:56,920
Well done. Oh, my god!

239
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,400
Do you know what small-coal is?

240
00:10:58,480 --> 00:10:59,960
No, and care not.

241
00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:06,400
So, I'm going to tell you a
tragic and yet sort of farcical story

242
00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:09,640
of one man's attempt to
witness a transit of Venus.

243
00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:11,800
Does anybody know what
the transit of Venus is?

244
00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:14,440
Is that where it lines
with the other planets?

245
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:16,240
Yeah, amazing.
That's it right there.

246
00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:18,640
It's when the planet of
Venus can be seen passing.

247
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:21,560
It's like a little tiny shadow
across the face of the sun.

248
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:23,640
They happen eight years apart,

249
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:28,080
but only every century, so the
last pair was 2004 and 2012.

250
00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:30,400
So, in our lifetime, we
will never see this again,

251
00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:31,680
it won't happen.

252
00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:33,840
So, there was a man
called Guillaume le gentil,

253
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:35,800
he lived in the
late 18th century.

254
00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:37,280
He was a leading
French astronomer,

255
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,600
and he was sent by the royal
academy of sciences to India

256
00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:41,680
to observe the 1761 transit.

257
00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:44,160
So it was all part of a scheme
to measure the distance

258
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:45,440
from the earth to the sun.

259
00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:48,800
So, first of all, he was held
up in Mauritius for a year

260
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:50,520
due to the war between
France and britain,

261
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:51,720
so that disrupted shipping.

262
00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:54,440
What a terrible place to spend
a year. Yeah, a whole year.

263
00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:58,360
A whole year. "I still
can't move. No, it's awful.

264
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,160
"There are no boats
here." He imitates horn

265
00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:01,520
"shut up! Stop it!"

266
00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:04,840
"No, I'm stranded."
He imitates horn

267
00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:06,160
"pack it in!"

268
00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:09,600
He's blown off course for
five weeks by monsoon winds.

269
00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:12,040
"I've been blown
off course, you see."

270
00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:13,200
Chink, chink.

271
00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:14,560
"Put the ice down!"

272
00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:22,080
Alan blows "it's
terribly windy."

273
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:23,800
The place that he
was going, pondicherry,

274
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:26,120
was conquered by the British,
so he couldn't land there.

275
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:27,880
That meant that, on
the day of the transit,

276
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,760
he was still at sea

277
00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:31,920
and he couldn't do
precise measurements.

278
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:35,800
So he thought, there's
another one in eight years' time.

279
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:38,480
So he stayed. "I'll go back
to Mauritius for five years."

280
00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:43,600
He did. He was determined
not to miss the 1769 transit,

281
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,240
so he gets up in the morning,

282
00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:46,920
he has a lovely dinner
with the governor.

283
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,320
It's a beautiful thing.

284
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:49,920
And then what did he see?

285
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:51,400
Clouds. Clouds.

286
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,920
Oh! Transit came and went.

287
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:55,920
Entirely invisible.

288
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:58,360
He never saw it.

289
00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:01,680
He spent two weeks
almost unable to speak.

290
00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:03,280
And then he got dysentery.

291
00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:05,480
They laugh

292
00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:07,640
that'll have been
the ice in the drink.

293
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:12,360
But what about when
you get to the last box

294
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:14,480
and you realise you've
got two eights in it?

295
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:15,840
Yeah. Yeah.

296
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:19,160
And somewhere right in the
depths of it, there's a mistake.

297
00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:20,600
You'll never find it.

298
00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:23,440
And you've been
doing it for four weeks.

299
00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:24,720
You get your pencil,

300
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:26,920
repeatedly stab yourself
in the palm of the hand

301
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,360
and then smear
blood on your face.

302
00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:31,480
But you'd only do that
in a lockdown. Yeah.

303
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:34,240
It's all right.

304
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:36,920
Would you like to stroke
my pussy? They laugh

305
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,920
seriously. There you go.

306
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,320
Have a stroke of my
pussy. You'll feel better.

307
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:45,520
Cat shrieks

308
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:55,720
Whoever is on sound duty
is on the top of their game.

309
00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:58,440
Because...

310
00:13:58,520 --> 00:13:59,840
..You riffed that on the spot,

311
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:02,400
and as soon as it went
towards you, they were like, bam!

312
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:05,480
And they were just...

313
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:07,480
Give that person a bafta.

314
00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:10,320
People don't appreciate
how good that was.

315
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:13,360
Brilliant.

316
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,160
It was Lizzie in
sound. Lizzie in sound.

317
00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:20,520
She's got a real
cat. Cat shrieks

318
00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:26,400
come here, come here. Quick, quick.
Stay in the room, stay in the room.

319
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:28,480
And a very sharp pencil.

320
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:32,240
Ok, so have a look at this.

321
00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:37,240
Whoa! It looks like a
flat window with one end

322
00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:38,680
shorter than the other.

323
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:42,400
I'm just going to make sure that
you guys can see this. Yeah. Like this.

324
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:44,800
It's called the ames window.

325
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:46,760
I'm too short to do
this sitting down,

326
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:48,240
so I'm going to spin it

327
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:51,280
and just look at the
effect that it has...

328
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:53,360
Oh, I don't like that.
..When it's spinning.

329
00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:55,400
Isn't it interesting? It
appears to stop halfway.

330
00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:58,040
It doesn't look like it's
spinning all the way around.

331
00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:00,280
Yeah, that's the thing.
That is really weird!

332
00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:02,880
I thought you just weren't
doing it right. No, I am spinning it.

333
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,840
I thought you were just
getting ready to do it.

334
00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:07,256
I'm spinning it all the way around,
but it appears to stop halfway

335
00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:09,480
and go back the
other way. Oh! Whoa!

336
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,200
Oh, stop it!

337
00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:14,440
Oh, my god! Have a look at this.
Put a pencil through the window.

338
00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:16,880
You can stick things
on or through the window

339
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,360
and then the objects
appear to lift... oh, my god!

340
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:21,520
..Out of the window.
No way! Oh, my god.

341
00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:24,800
What's the absolute... Please...

342
00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:26,240
Isn't it weird?
..What's going on?

343
00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:27,920
So weird. I know.

344
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:31,480
There's an... even more apparently
ambiguous is the head bobble.

345
00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:33,520
So this is a form of
non-verbal communication.

346
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,360
It's commonly found in
India, Pakistan and Sri Lanka.

347
00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:39,480
So according to...
hi, guys. Laughter

348
00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:42,960
I'm looking at
John. According to

349
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:46,280
a behaviourist from tamil
nadu, pradeep chakravarthy,

350
00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:48,760
it may have evolved to give a
deliberately ambiguous signal,

351
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:50,720
so it's a sort of you can
disagree with somebody

352
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:53,400
while not saying anything. That's
it, yes. That's the head bobble.

353
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:55,720
It means yes, no, maybe,
it means everything really.

354
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:57,400
We do it in Bangladesh
as well. Right.

355
00:15:57,480 --> 00:16:00,520
But you're being noncommittal,
is that it? Yeah, and you're...

356
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:03,376
Do it and I'll give you the verbal. The
movement is more from the chin. Right.

357
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:05,040
So it's just a...

358
00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:06,600
Yasss, queen.

359
00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:11,000
But this neck move is very
clearly kind of like a no, isn't it?

360
00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:12,760
You know it's a no.

361
00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:15,640
Well, I would... in the gay
world, we disagree. That's like,

362
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:17,240
"get over here."

363
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:23,040
That is great! Yes,
queen! Yes! No!

364
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:28,720
Another swallowing phenomenon
of the era is one of my favourite

365
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:31,520
vaudeville acts of all
time, the great hadji Ali,

366
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:32,920
the great regurgitator.

367
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:36,440
So this guy, he was billed
as the Egyptian enigma.

368
00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:38,536
One of the things I like about
him is this is Judy garland's

369
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:40,200
favourite vaudeville act, ok?

370
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:42,480
So he would
swallow... "I love him!"

371
00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:45,160
"I think he's fabulous!"

372
00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:49,360
He would swallow increasingly
improbable things and then reproduce

373
00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:52,000
them in an order
specified by the audience.

374
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:55,320
Oh, brilliant! So he could swallow
50 hazelnuts and an almond

375
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:58,840
and bring the almond up at the
moment requested by the audience.

376
00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:01,840
No! Yeah. And his greatest...

377
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:03,840
"What a great show!"

378
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:05,880
I love that! The almond!

379
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:08,960
His greatest trick, right?

380
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:12,040
He would swallow some kerosene,
then some water, then he would

381
00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:15,080
regurgitate the
kerosene, set it on fire,

382
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,920
regurgitate the water
from six feet away

383
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:19,400
and put the fire out.

384
00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:22,000
How do you discover
you're good at that?!

385
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:24,120
This is le petomane
in reverse, isn't it?

386
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:26,040
It is exactly le
petomane in reverse.

387
00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:28,560
Le petomane was a similar
period, I think. Yes, I think that's

388
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:30,920
about right. A similar vintage
of act, and he was somebody

389
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:34,400
who broke wind. Out of his backside,
le petomane could blow out candles

390
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:36,120
at a distance.
Darling, he could do

391
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:39,120
the whole of the la
marseillaise, apparently. Oh, yes!

392
00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:44,400
You can do that.
No, I can't do that.

393
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:47,040
I can't... look,
all... look, ok?

394
00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:51,320
Rosie and I spent a lot of
2018 and '19 on tour together,

395
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:55,000
and I... all that would happen
is, I'd have a nando's slightly

396
00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:58,360
too close to the show and,
unfortunately, there wasn't as much

397
00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:00,000
privacy in the dressing rooms

398
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,720
of the regional art centres
of the United Kingdom.

399
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:06,960
And so, just every so often I'd
hear Rosie go, "can you not?"

400
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:16,160
You cannot imagine the stench!

401
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:24,440
Has anybody ever smelt
a skunk? Yes. Yes, I have.

402
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:27,720
So, if they are facing you
with their bottom and their face

403
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:30,800
at the same moment, you
are in terrible, terrible trouble.

404
00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:34,320
The spraying they do is
actually usually the last resort,

405
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:37,400
but the little spotted ones - you
can see the one on the outside -

406
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:40,480
will do a handstand to warn
predators, and they'll even charge

407
00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:43,760
while doing a sort of headstand
before they unleash the stink.

408
00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:48,000
But, I mean, it can be terrible.
If it is an intense, targeted attack

409
00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:49,296
and they aim
right for your face,

410
00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:50,896
I mean, it's enough
to knock a human out.

411
00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:54,440
That would be a hell of a routine
at the rhythmic gymnastics. Yeah.

412
00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:57,176
And also, the thing is about their
scent glands, they're right by the

413
00:18:57,200 --> 00:19:00,040
bottoms, they're the size of grapes,
and they have these hugely powerful

414
00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:02,760
muscles and they squirt
the spray up to ten feet.

415
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:05,720
Listen, if we could do it,
we would do it. I had a friend,

416
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,360
and I'm sure I've talked
about him on this show before,

417
00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:11,560
and we used to
call him the squirt.

418
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:13,440
What was his skill set?

419
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:18,440
Well, there was a pub that we
used to go to and in the toilets,

420
00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:22,520
there was a row of urinals and
then high up, there were windows,

421
00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:24,680
I mean, about eight feet up.

422
00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:26,760
No way! Not too high
for the squirt. Whoa!

423
00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:29,920
He could stand in front of the
urinal and wee out the window.

424
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:33,000
It was a really
brilliant thing to do!

425
00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:35,160
Wow! It's the sort of thing

426
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:37,800
that girls just never know
about each other, do they?

427
00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:40,240
No, you'd never greet
somebody in the pub and go,

428
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,240
"oh, here comes
Lucy, 'the squirt'."

429
00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:48,600
"All right, luce!

430
00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:51,040
"How's your windows?"
And did you all just,

431
00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:53,640
did you stand, just
watching? Yeah! Yes?!

432
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:55,880
What is wrong with you?!
You would stand watching that!

433
00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:58,576
No, I would not stand... someone
is weeing eight foot up in the air

434
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:01,320
and you'd be like, "oh, I don't
need to see it"? Out of a window?!

435
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,960
I think I'd have to give that a
look. If that started happening,

436
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:05,600
I would continue to watch.

437
00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:09,040
I'm not sure if I'd
make the trip. Yeah.

438
00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:10,680
I think if he'd
pointed at the urinal,

439
00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,320
he'd have driven himself
backwards back into the pub.

440
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:19,720
Do you know what happened to
him? He emigrated to Australia.

441
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:21,880
Under his own steam!

442
00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:26,480
Shadow portraits, you know,
the portraits where you just get

443
00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:28,840
the, sort of, outline of a
person done in black. Yes.

444
00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:32,160
They're known as silhouettes and
it is because his, well, the normal

445
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:35,280
explanation, his austerity policies,
which eventually got him fired,

446
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:38,200
caused his name to be associated
with sort of general thriftiness.

447
00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:40,760
And these were cheaper portraits
for people who couldn't afford

448
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:42,160
to have oil portraits.

449
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:44,720
I think they're very beautiful,
but it's not for me to say.

450
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:47,640
We have an expert with us.
Please welcome master silhouettist,

451
00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:49,080
Charles burns. There he is.

452
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:54,760
Charles, tell me, how did
you learn to be a silhouettist?

453
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:56,040
How did that happen?

454
00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:59,160
When I left art college, I worked
for a number of years as a street

455
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:03,000
portrait artist in covent garden,
drawing portraits originally,

456
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:05,400
and then I started cutting
silhouettes more or less

457
00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:07,600
as a sideline, but they
completely took over my life.

458
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:10,440
They became very popular in
Europe when they came over,

459
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:11,920
didn't they, from
France? They did.

460
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:15,000
They became very popular throughout
the 18th and early 19th centuries,

461
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:18,080
but they, they died out really when
photography was invented and all the

462
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:21,200
silhouette artists went out of
business. Which I think is a great shame.

463
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:24,840
In fact, studios used to be equipped
sometimes with a physionog... Physio...

464
00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:27,160
A physionotrace is the
word you're looking for, yes.

465
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:31,360
Yes. The physionotrace was
like an arm, like a metal bar,

466
00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:34,840
which used to be passed
around someone's profile,

467
00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:37,280
and at the other end of
the bar was a little pencil,

468
00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:40,440
which on a small piece of
paper, would draw upside down

469
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:42,360
and in reverse their profile.

470
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:43,960
But you don't do
anything as a...

471
00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:47,280
No, I rely entirely on a pair
of scissors... a pair of scissors.

472
00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:50,160
..And a technique I
call cut and hope. Ok.

473
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:51,840
I like that.

474
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:56,080
So, you're going to do our silhouettes
while we're carrying on chatting.

475
00:21:56,160 --> 00:21:58,080
Yes. So can I get you
to sit and carry on with...

476
00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:00,600
I shall go and explore your
profile. ..Your cutting away?

477
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:04,920
Helen of Troy had a face
that launched how many ships?

478
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:06,200
Careful, maisie.

479
00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:08,680
Oh, maisie, what is
it? Come on, maisie!

480
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:11,560
I can't remember the number
now. Help me out here, maisie.

481
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:14,520
Oh, shall I do it for
you, maisie? 1,000.

482
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:16,800
Hey!

483
00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:21,240
But at the time there weren't
1,000 ships in the world.

484
00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:23,280
There weren't
enough shipbuilders.

485
00:22:23,360 --> 00:22:24,920
Yeah, yeah, something like that.

486
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:26,200
There weren't any oceans.

487
00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:29,200
There was no such thing...
No-one had sailed anywhere.

488
00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:30,840
No?

489
00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:32,880
None of those?

490
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:35,360
People rowed. People
rowed. They didn't launch ships.

491
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,480
They didn't have a slip thing.

492
00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:39,760
They didn't have the
champagne bottle.

493
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:42,760
They would take the
ship out a bit at a time.

494
00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:45,560
She didn't have a
face. She was faceless!

495
00:22:47,120 --> 00:22:50,040
There are two British artists,
Tim noble and sue Webster.

496
00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:51,280
They developed a technique

497
00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:53,480
and they create silhouettes
from heaps of junk.

498
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:55,240
They started their work in 1997.

499
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:57,720
This is one of their pieces
that was at the royal academy,

500
00:22:57,800 --> 00:22:59,440
so that's just junk.

501
00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:01,840
It's old wood and
rusty tools and toilet roll

502
00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:04,560
and all sorts of things.
And that's them in silhouette.

503
00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:07,560
That's amazing. I think it's one
of the best things I've ever seen.

504
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:09,040
I think Charles is finished.

505
00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:11,736
Darling, are you going to reveal
for us? I can reveal for you, yes.

506
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:14,440
All right. So we'll
have Victoria first. Ok.

507
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:17,600
There she is. There we
are. There you are. Oh! Wow!

508
00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:19,600
Applause

509
00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:25,320
just take a couple of
inches off the nose, just...

510
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:27,600
Laughter

511
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:29,480
right. Shall we do Alan?

512
00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:30,920
Oh! Oh, wow.

513
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:32,840
Yes! That's great.

514
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:35,320
Oh, look at the very
little hair detail at the top.

515
00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:36,720
Yeah, it's amazing.

516
00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:38,800
Applause

517
00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:40,280
eshaan?

518
00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:43,000
As long as I don't look like
rubbish in this one. Right.

519
00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:48,880
He snorts, laughter

520
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:52,800
I look so much older!

521
00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:55,720
But the glasses are so brilliant.
Yeah, the glasses are brilliant.

522
00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:57,560
That's so clever.

523
00:23:57,640 --> 00:23:59,720
Right. John, let's
try you, darling.

524
00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:03,120
Oh, you handsome devil.

525
00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:04,600
So handsome!

526
00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:07,640
Applause

527
00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:11,040
brilliant! You're so handsome
even as a cut-out. Wow.

528
00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:13,400
I think those are
brilliant. So you...

529
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:15,880
You were literally just doing
that with a pair of scissors?

530
00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:18,560
Yes. That's amazing! A
freehand cut with scissors.

531
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:21,040
I can't even cut a straight
line on wrapping paper.

532
00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:24,280
Straight lines are much harder.
Charles, it's been such a pleasure.

533
00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:26,080
Thank you. Thank you. Thanks.

534
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:29,680
Applause

535
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:32,880
how would you use this
to send a secret message?

536
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:34,760
That's going to need a big egg.

537
00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:39,800
Someone would know the Cypher

538
00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:41,400
and so e = b...

539
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:43,280
You don't need to know anything.

540
00:24:43,360 --> 00:24:45,800
Oh, is it the way you fold it?
Does it then make a message?

541
00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:49,280
It is the way you wrap it around
something. It's called a scytale.

542
00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:51,560
It's an ancient Greek
way to hide messages.

543
00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:54,320
So all it required was
that the person sending

544
00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:57,320
and the person receiving had
the same size stick. That's cool.

545
00:24:57,400 --> 00:24:59,040
And then you
would just send this,

546
00:24:59,120 --> 00:25:01,080
which could be
wrapped up quite small,

547
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:04,120
and you wrap it around like this

548
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:08,080
and it says,
"this is a scytale."

549
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:09,960
Wow! Isn't it clever?
That's really clever.

550
00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:13,080
I know! I'd love it if you'd got
it, and that was the message.

551
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:16,120
And then you just had to
reply, "I know what a scytale is!"

552
00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:18,560
"It was my idea to use them.

553
00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:20,520
"Can you please
stick to the plan?

554
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:23,000
"We're trying to bring
down the government here.

555
00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:26,320
"I don't need you to tell me what
the equipment is that we're using."

556
00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:29,840
They reckon female
bootleggers outnumbered men

557
00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:32,920
by about five to one. I mean,
it was a really... really? Yeah.

558
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:35,480
In some states, it was illegal
for women to be strip-searched,

559
00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:37,600
so they would provoke
officers by saying,

560
00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:40,000
"ooh, it's hidden down the
bra," or, you know, wherever,

561
00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:41,920
and threaten to sue
the officers if they...

562
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:43,720
Don't know why I
suddenly turned into...

563
00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:48,720
You're always like that
with the police. I know!

564
00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:52,080
The sworn enemies
were two prohibition agents

565
00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:53,720
called isidor "Izzy" Einstein

566
00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:56,600
and his partner, moe
Smith, and there they are.

567
00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:58,160
They specialised in costumes,

568
00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:00,720
so they would turn up
as German pickle packers,

569
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:02,760
Hungarian violinists
or whatever.

570
00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:04,680
My favourite is that
several times Einstein,

571
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:07,560
who's the one on the right, went
into a bar and identified himself

572
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:08,880
as a prohibition agent,

573
00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:11,240
and the barman thought it
was hilarious and let him in.

574
00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:12,880
Laughter

575
00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:14,240
to be fair to those two gents,

576
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:16,640
if they were going to disguise
themselves as anything,

577
00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:18,840
it would be people who
were too drunk at a bar.

578
00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:21,840
Yeah, but wait till you see some
of the disguises. So look at this.

579
00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:23,720
Laughter

580
00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:29,400
I love the one on the right.

581
00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:30,800
Oh, yes!

582
00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:33,840
That's very some like it hot.

583
00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:39,520
Can you name any south American
countries due south of Mexico?

584
00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:42,240
Brazil?

585
00:26:42,320 --> 00:26:44,120
Klaxon

586
00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:48,320
it's going to be...
None of them.

587
00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:49,640
Is it Argentina?

588
00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:51,360
Klaxon

589
00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:53,680
but what is it?
There aren't any?

590
00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:54,920
Chile!

591
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:56,280
Klaxon

592
00:26:56,360 --> 00:26:57,640
I could do this all day!

593
00:26:57,720 --> 00:26:59,200
What do you reckon, Alan?

594
00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:02,320
Well, it feels like there can't
be any, then. There aren't.

595
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:05,200
Ok. Must be twisted around. Yes.

596
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:06,760
So when you look at the map,

597
00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:10,200
the whole of the south American
mainland is east of Mexico.

598
00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:12,320
Indeed, 99% of it
is east of Florida.

599
00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:14,400
The only exception
is easter island,

600
00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:16,320
which does politically
belong to Chile.

601
00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:18,720
So you could have said
Chile... I did actually say Chile.

602
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:20,200
Did you? Yeah, so scrub that.

603
00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:22,120
Yeah. That was right. Sorry!

604
00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:23,840
Klaxon

605
00:27:27,360 --> 00:27:30,520
one way to remember that
South America sticks out like that

606
00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:32,480
is to sort of
imagine it on its side.

607
00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:35,280
And then the Americas
look uncannily like a duck.

608
00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:37,800
If we can swivel
that around like that...

609
00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:40,360
Oh, wow. That's very
cool, isn't it? Yeah.

610
00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:42,400
I mean, it helps that
you've coloured it in.

611
00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:45,040
Yeah, I think that's true. A lot
of things can look like a duck

612
00:27:45,120 --> 00:27:46,720
when they're
coloured like a duck.

613
00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:50,680
Which country are ponchos from?

614
00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:52,320
Mexico?

615
00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:54,880
Klaxon

616
00:27:56,960 --> 00:27:58,520
shall we go through
other countries?

617
00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:01,560
Let's do lots of countries. Central
and South America? Bolivia.

618
00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:03,520
Bolivia, no. Portugal. No.

619
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:05,080
Rosie: Peru. Alan: England!

620
00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:08,000
England? I want it to be
england. Is it Denmark? Denmark.

621
00:28:08,080 --> 00:28:09,280
Laughter

622
00:28:09,360 --> 00:28:12,440
no. What did you say then? Peru.

623
00:28:12,520 --> 00:28:15,160
Is correct. Screams: Yeah!

624
00:28:15,240 --> 00:28:17,000
Laughter

625
00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:27,560
this is the greatest
moment of my life.

626
00:28:32,400 --> 00:28:34,520
Yes! You knew that,
right? It wasn't a guess.

627
00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:36,920
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

628
00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:38,640
Yeah.

629
00:28:39,720 --> 00:28:43,600
She's got a few follow-up
questions about how you knew it.

630
00:28:43,680 --> 00:28:46,880
No, it's not all about me.

631
00:28:46,960 --> 00:28:49,440
Laughter

632
00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:51,840
applause