1 00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:34,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:35,880 Good evening! 3 00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:37,720 Welcome to QI, 4 00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:39,400 where tonight, 5 00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:41,360 tonight we are telling tales about telescopes, 6 00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:43,560 telephones, and any number of tails. 7 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:45,360 So let's meet our wags. 8 00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:48,080 Bright eyed and bushy-tailed, it's Rob Beckett. 9 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:51,200 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:53,760 Like a dog with two tails, it's Sarah Millican! 11 00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:57,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 12 00:00:57,520 --> 00:01:00,600 Shaking his tail feather, it's Daliso Chaponda! 13 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:05,120 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 14 00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:08,160 And not making head or tail of anything, it's Alan Davies! 15 00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:10,920 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 16 00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:16,920 Let's see what tales the buzzers tell. 17 00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:18,320 Rob goes... 18 00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:23,000 # Tell her about it, tell her everything you feel... # 19 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:25,600 Oh, we're off! Sarah goes... 20 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:29,840 # Tell me why Ain't nothing but a heartache... # 21 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:33,880 I LOVE this radio station! This is fantastic! 22 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:35,640 Daliso goes... 23 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:37,560 # (Tell me why) 24 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:39,280 # I don't like Mondays 25 00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:40,560 # (Tell me why) 26 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:42,760 # I don't like Mondays... # 27 00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:45,920 Bopping away. And Alan goes... 28 00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:49,560 MUSIC: The William Tell Overture by Rossini. 29 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:55,480 OK, before we actually start, I'm going to give five points 30 00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:59,240 to anybody who can name the person that Alan's buzzer 31 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:00,880 was written about. 32 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:03,880 William Tell Overture. Is exactly right. Five points. 33 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,280 No, see, there's the thing... Well, I was just going to... 34 00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:09,760 I knew that! But you need to be quick, my darling. 35 00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:12,560 That's the thing I tried to explain to you. 36 00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:15,240 But it was a sort of a test. Boomtown Rats! 37 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:20,040 Do you get points if you know the words to Alan's? 38 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:22,360 # Da-da da, da-da da, da da da da da! # 39 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,040 That's the words! 40 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:27,240 # Run away, run away with William Tell! 41 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:29,360 # Ring your bell and pedal like hell! # 42 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:30,440 Is that not...? 43 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:34,840 I like that you called it Alan's song, like he owns it now! 44 00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:38,040 In the 1960s, it was the theme tune to The Lone Ranger, 45 00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:40,640 and it was sort of a test to see where people were 46 00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:42,080 kind of culturally. 47 00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:44,160 Did you think that was the tune to William Tell, 48 00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:46,760 or did you think it was the Lone Ranger theme? 49 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:50,080 So, what was the nationality of the first figure 50 00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:53,120 to shoot an apple from their son's head? 51 00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:54,680 Danish. 52 00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:56,320 Yes! Yes! Yes! 53 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:01,160 Was it really? Yes! 54 00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:03,920 I knew it was going to be Danish. I can just tell. 55 00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:05,920 I get a feeling. 56 00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:09,840 Like a little radioactive vibe emanates from a Dane! 57 00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:15,200 When they're talking about another Dane, it's weird. 58 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:17,080 Was William Tell Danish? 59 00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:19,920 No, but he wasn't the first person. William Tell was... 60 00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:24,680 He was the third person to do it. No. The 12th person! 61 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:27,800 He was Swiss is what I was looking for. 62 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:30,920 So the very first person that we know of to do this was a Dane. 63 00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:34,080 There was a guy called Saxo Grammaticus. That's him. 64 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,960 Yeah. There you go. Saxo Grammaticus. 65 00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:39,480 Oh, Saxy! Saxy. Yeah. 66 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:42,120 And was he being forced into it, like William Tell, 67 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:45,200 or was it just like...? It wasn't him! ..a punishment? 68 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:48,720 He wrote a saga about it. Oh, right. 69 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:52,320 And the person he wrote about was called Palnatoke. 70 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:55,200 So he's contemporaneous with King Harald Bluetooth. 71 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:57,800 Is that him? He's very young. 72 00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:01,440 Also, he used a bow and arrow, not like a crossbow? Yes. 73 00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:03,400 So a bow and arrow. Absolutely right. 74 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,640 And he once said, after a few mugs of ale, 75 00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:08,480 that shooting an apple off a stick didn't show much class. 76 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:11,920 So the king, Bluetooth, ordered this guy Palnatoke 77 00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:14,320 to shoot an apple off his son's head. 78 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,480 So put the apple on the son's head. 79 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:20,360 And then he plucked three arrows from his quiver. 80 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,880 Then the king said, "Why did you take three arrows out?" 81 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:24,800 He said, "Well, I'll tell you in a second." 82 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:27,000 And he shoots the thing, hits the apple exactly. 83 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,720 And the king says, "The three arrows?" 84 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,360 And he says, "Well, the other two were to avenge my son 85 00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:34,800 "against you in case I missed the apple on the head." 86 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:39,360 And people say iPads are bad for kids! Yeah. 87 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:42,480 It's not surprising that a Dane was one of the first great archers. 88 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:45,000 Some of the bows found in swamps in Denmark, 89 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:47,280 they're over 8,000 years old. 90 00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:49,840 And Danish archers may also have used poison arrows. 91 00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:52,400 They would have put mistletoe on the arrowheads. 92 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:54,680 Not remotely surprised. 93 00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:58,480 Why mistletoe, though? Because it's... 94 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:00,240 Make it more romantic? 95 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:01,560 More poisonous. 96 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:02,840 Oh! 97 00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:05,120 If you want to kill an auroch - do you want to kill an auroch? 98 00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:06,400 I don't know what one is. 99 00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:08,280 The Lord Of The Rings? 100 00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:12,840 I know it only because I was in a schoolhouse. 101 00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:15,680 We had oryx, kudus and elands. 102 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:17,200 So it's a kind of deer. 103 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:19,080 Well, close, it's a kind of cow. 104 00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:20,680 It's an early kind of cow. OK. 105 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:21,840 Early cow? Yeah. 106 00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:23,120 They're called calves. 107 00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:24,160 Buffalo. 108 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,920 APPLAUSE 109 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:33,800 I'm only running the show. 110 00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:37,800 They don't exist any more. They're gone. They're gone? 111 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:39,920 Yeah, 1627 last one died. 112 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:42,800 We saw some horses in a field. 113 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:44,560 No, we saw some cows in the field. 114 00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:48,080 My little boy said, "Look at those funny cows," but they were horses. 115 00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:50,800 But I can't remember if it was, "Look at those funny cows..." 116 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:55,160 ..and they were horses or, "Look at those funny horses," and they were 117 00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:56,280 cows. I think it was that. 118 00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:58,960 Why don't you find out for real and then do it next week's show? 119 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:00,240 Yeah. 120 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:03,080 Just a thought. 121 00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:05,160 So probably you're thinking of oryx. 122 00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:06,720 O-R-Y-X. 123 00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:10,480 Yeah, and it's not that, it's A-U-R-O-C-H. 124 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:12,720 So he was right, then. So... It was a deer, 125 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:14,000 not an early cow. 126 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:16,600 I'm going to give you a point for the misunderstanding. Wow! 127 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:18,160 I wish that worked in love. 128 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:19,600 Just generally. 129 00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:22,200 Misunderstanding? 130 00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:23,840 You get a point. 131 00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:26,960 Not having a good time in the love department? Oh, no, it's dreadful. 132 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,560 Is it? I mean, what are you looking for? 133 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:31,080 We could put an ad out just now. 134 00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:36,200 Looking for someone understanding and patient. 135 00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:38,000 Oh, God! 136 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:39,800 Why? Why? Are you a dick? 137 00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:44,560 I'm married, and I'm STILL on the lookout for that! 138 00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:50,240 Absolutely no such thing as that... Doesn't exist. Doesn't exist. 139 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:51,880 I'm looking for an oryx. 140 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:54,680 Yes. 141 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,280 Another amazing art show was 142 00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:58,600 an American music guy called Howard Hill. 143 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:01,880 He's considered to be the greatest archer in history. 144 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,280 He was also a stuntman. 145 00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:04,680 Here he is teaching Errol Flynn, 146 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:06,960 and he even shot a prune 147 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,800 from a volunteer's head. 148 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:11,200 Was it a prune or did it just take him ages 149 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:13,360 and it eventually became a prune? 150 00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:16,600 A bloke in Hollywood with a grape on his head 151 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:18,200 waiting to do the raisin shot. 152 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:22,720 The shocking part of that story is "from a volunteer's head". 153 00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:25,200 That shows both understanding and patience. 154 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:26,520 Yes, you're right! 155 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:30,680 Would you have a prune shot from your head by an expert archer? 156 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:32,280 I would. You're the one for me. 157 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:36,600 That's a good question to ask. 158 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:38,320 What is it? Is it Tinder profile? 159 00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:40,000 What is it? Is it swiping? 160 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,400 Which is it? Right to like someone? 161 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:43,720 I don't know, I'm married! 162 00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:45,880 Why are you looking at me?! You're married. 163 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:48,040 Right is... Oh, you know. Yes. He knows. 164 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:50,960 I've got carpal tunnel. 165 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:52,960 I just say, "Yes, yes, yes." 166 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:55,080 "Yes, yes, yes, yes." 167 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:56,760 While crying and crying. 168 00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:00,560 Are you patient?! 169 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:05,720 Do you understand me?! 170 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:10,400 I love being married. I think it's just the most marvellous thing. 171 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:11,840 Yeah, and me too... Lou. 172 00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:17,560 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 173 00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:20,320 This presupposes, Rob, 174 00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:22,200 that she'll bother to watch. 175 00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:25,920 But her parents will. 176 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:29,920 The greatest female archer in British history 177 00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:32,400 was undoubtedly Alice Lee. 178 00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:35,520 She was the National Ladies' Champion 23 times. 179 00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:37,800 She first won in 1881, 180 00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:40,200 and then she lost in 1882 181 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:41,760 to her own mother. 182 00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:43,400 Oh! I know! 183 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:46,640 Mams are awful. Just let her have ONE thing. 184 00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:47,960 Yes, exactly. 185 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,640 OK, tell me this. 186 00:08:51,680 --> 00:08:54,840 What use is a telepathic rabbit? 187 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:57,440 What kind of rabbit? Is it the animal. 188 00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,320 Yes, it's a rabbit. 189 00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:05,600 For the one you were thinking of, 190 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,920 I suppose it would know when to speed up, 191 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:09,640 when to slow down. Exactly. 192 00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:10,840 Wouldn't it be amazing? 193 00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:12,640 Ann Summers has gone psychic. 194 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:19,200 In my limited experience, women don't always want rampant. 195 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:23,040 They've got to be understanding and patient, 196 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:24,240 and you're rampant! 197 00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:26,760 And battery-powered! 198 00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:32,720 I don't think I've ever hit rampant. No, I've never hit rampant. 199 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:34,120 Just plugging away. 200 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:37,920 Rampant's far too... 201 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:40,440 I get to tiring quite early. 202 00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:43,480 Tiring rabbit! 203 00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:45,520 I'll have one of the tiring rabbits, please. 204 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:48,440 Slows down after two minutes. 205 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:50,120 When your batteries are low... 206 00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:52,120 Anyway, it's too much. 207 00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,600 But you know what happens when you book me. I know, I know. 208 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:56,000 And it's always a pleasure. 209 00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:57,720 So... It's always a pleasure. 210 00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:06,560 So this is a true story, but you sort of can't believe it. 211 00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:09,480 So in the 1960s, the Soviets wanted a method to send emergency 212 00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:11,720 communications to submerged submarines. 213 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:15,000 You have to imagine... Anybody know the film? Hunt For Red October. 214 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:16,720 You get that one. Hunt For Red October. 215 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:18,080 There's a lot of rabbits in that. 216 00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:20,240 Yeah, there was no rabbit. We made that up. 217 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:24,000 If he's telepathic, why does he have to use a radio to talk to him, 218 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:25,480 when he's right in front of him? 219 00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:26,680 I will explain. 220 00:10:26,680 --> 00:10:28,320 Can you hear me, Rabbit? 221 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:30,640 So imagine you want to send a signal to the submarine, 222 00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:32,600 not just communicate within the submarine. 223 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:35,360 When they're underwater, they cannot receive or indeed send 224 00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:37,800 radio signals, so they turned to rabbits. 225 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,040 This is a genuine experiment. 226 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:44,000 The hypothesis was that the mother-newborn bond 227 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:47,080 existed as a sort of telepathic communication, right? 228 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,720 So they took a mother rabbit from her offspring and they put 229 00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:52,520 electrodes on her brain and they placed her in a submarine. 230 00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:53,960 This is a serious experiment. 231 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:57,800 And then they, on land, killed the baby. I know. 232 00:10:57,800 --> 00:10:59,800 It's horrific. Oh, my God! Horrific. 233 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:01,320 What did the baby do? 234 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:04,080 It died. 235 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:08,000 Just saying, you know, I want to hear both sides of this story. 236 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,720 The idea is that the mother would be able to sense the baby's 237 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,720 distress and that changes to her brain would signal 238 00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:17,080 to the submariners to surface and to radio home and receive instructions. 239 00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:19,040 That's a genuine experiment. 240 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:20,400 But did they have to kill it? 241 00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:21,920 Could they not have just made it do, 242 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:23,320 like, hard maths or something? 243 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:25,120 And it would be like, "Aargh! 244 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:27,040 "My baby's trying to do maths." 245 00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:30,720 If you've got a claustrophobic rabbit... Yeah. 246 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:32,480 You'll just keep coming up. 247 00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:36,880 Time to go up. Time to go to the surface. 248 00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:40,880 I think they're all right in holes, aren't they, rabbits? I don't know 249 00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:43,240 much about rabbits, but they don't mind a burrow, do they? 250 00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:45,800 I think they don't mind. I think they're all right with that. 251 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:46,920 I think that's fair, Rob. 252 00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:49,520 You don't get many rabbits at home going, "I can't be in here." 253 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:51,480 It's all a bit closed in! 254 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:52,840 It's all dark! 255 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:56,200 All dark, little tunnels everywhere. I'm a rabbit, 256 00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:57,640 I can't live like this! 257 00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:02,200 Do you believe in telepathy? Do you guys, anybody believe in it? Yeah. 258 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:04,280 So researchers at the University of Washington 259 00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:06,120 and Carnegie Mellon University in 2018, 260 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:08,000 they demonstrated actual telepathy 261 00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:09,520 while playing the game of Tetris. 262 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:12,520 They had two players wearing what's called EEG caps, 263 00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:14,640 that's electroencephalography, 264 00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:18,120 and they can detect electrical activity produced by their thoughts. 265 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:21,520 And so they watched a game happening and they simply thought 266 00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:23,560 about what moves should be played, right? 267 00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:27,240 Then there was a third player wearing the transcranial magnetic 268 00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:29,400 stimulation cap and he received the thoughts 269 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:33,160 and then moved the pieces, despite not being able to see the screen, 270 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:35,000 and the experimenters reported 271 00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:38,800 an 81% accuracy in the moves made. 272 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,560 Now, if it could point to a future 273 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,960 where there is brain-to-brain interfaces, 274 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:45,800 imagine the possibility of direct communication for people 275 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,960 who are deaf or in other ways impaired. 276 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:49,800 It would be incredible. 277 00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:51,040 Yeah, that would be amazing, 278 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:53,680 but I don't want anyone knowing what's going on in here. Yeah. 279 00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:57,880 The world would fall apart if people knew 280 00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:00,240 all the deviant thoughts that... 281 00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:02,360 That's just Twitter, isn't it? 282 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:06,880 That's exactly Twitter. 283 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:09,160 I can tell when my husband is about to talk. 284 00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:10,840 I don't think that's telepathy, though. 285 00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:12,560 It's a little breathing thing, I think. 286 00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:15,280 I think that's what... You can hear him behind the tape. Yeah. 287 00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:20,360 HE GROANS 288 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:25,760 What's that under the floorboards, Sarah? 289 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:28,640 He's genuinely decided to not say 290 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:30,600 the thing he was going to say... Right. 291 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:32,080 ..because it wasn't worth it... No. 292 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:34,400 ..but because I've gone, "What were you going to say?" 293 00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:36,280 He has to say it and I go, "Why did you say that?" 294 00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:38,640 He goes, "I WASN'T going to say it, and you made me say it." 295 00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:40,280 That's where MY marriage is at. 296 00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:41,760 Yes. 297 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:44,800 Is it telepathy when you know you need a poo? 298 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:50,360 It would be telepathy if YOU knew that Sarah needed a poo. 299 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:53,160 Yeah. 300 00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:55,960 It would depend how far you were from your own arse. So the whole... 301 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:01,040 Roughly the same distance. Yes. 302 00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:03,040 But tall people might be further. 303 00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:04,560 So telepathy... 304 00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:07,360 We'd call it TELOOPATHY anyway. What? Teloopathy. 305 00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:09,680 Teloopathy. That's a fair point. 306 00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:12,400 Hang on, I got a little bit of teloopathy happening. 307 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:14,000 Where's your toilet? 308 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:16,960 But if you know you need a poo later, 309 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:18,480 that's precognition. 310 00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:20,200 If you could time it... OK, stop! 311 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,360 That would be like if you just had Weetabix. 312 00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:27,160 Is Weetabix, like, instant like that? 313 00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:29,480 No, no, it's you know you're going to have one later, 314 00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:31,400 and it's going to be decent. 315 00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:35,920 Am I wrong? 316 00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:37,560 Am I wrong? No! 317 00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:41,440 I was at boarding school and one of our matrons, 318 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,440 she was a cow, she... 319 00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:45,200 Or was it a horse? 320 00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:48,480 She had Weetabix with jam on it. 321 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:50,640 Oh, what a nutter. And she'd just chew it? Yeah. 322 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:53,640 You've got more chance of building a house with that, than eating it. 323 00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:58,040 Telepathy has finally become a reality. 324 00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:00,320 Wow, Alan, that's disgusting. 325 00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:06,360 From telepathy to telescopes, 326 00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:08,520 why do astronomers hate Alan? 327 00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:10,160 What? 328 00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:12,280 What? Is Alan a cloud? 329 00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:14,480 Ooh, we're sort of heading in the... 330 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:17,400 Hello! Oh! I thought it was THIS Alan. 331 00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,920 The most annoying Alan I know is allen key, when you're trying 332 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:21,680 to put something together, the Allen key. 333 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:24,240 Oh, the Allen key. I thought you meant a bloke called Alan Key. 334 00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:28,000 He invented it. He WOULD be very annoying, wouldn't he? 335 00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:30,600 Some bloke comes round every time you buy something from IKEA. 336 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:32,040 "Hello, I'm Alan Key. Can I help?" 337 00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:36,160 So it is an acronym. So... 338 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:37,320 ALL: Oh! 339 00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,320 Is it something to do with the sky? 340 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:41,160 You're so quick. Yes! 341 00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:42,800 It's artificial... 342 00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:44,400 Low something. 343 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:45,800 Artificial light at night. 344 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:48,240 It's a huge problem for astronomers. 345 00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:51,680 And that means that telescopes for astronomers have to be placed 346 00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:53,240 somewhere away from cities 347 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:55,720 and one of the largest telescopes ever used in the UK 348 00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:58,240 is the Isaac Newton, about two and a half metres, 349 00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:02,080 this telescope, and was moved to La Palma in the Canary Islands in 1979. 350 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:04,880 You can get an app on your phone now, tells you where everything is. 351 00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:09,680 My first holiday with my now husband 352 00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:12,360 he pointed out things and I thought he knows a bit about it 353 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:13,920 and I only know a few things. 354 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:15,280 ALAN GROANS 355 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:17,880 No, no, he was... 356 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:21,800 He was allowed to talk then, Alan. 357 00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:26,640 And he said, "There's Orion." And I thought, "I know that one." 358 00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:29,280 Then he said, "There's the North Star." I know that one. 359 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:30,720 Then he said, "There's the plough." 360 00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:33,360 And I thought, That's me done now, everything else is learning." 361 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:36,000 And he stood for ages and then he went, "There's another plough." 362 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,240 And I was like, "He doesn't know any more than I do!" 363 00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:40,680 I saw the Northern Lights in Iceland 364 00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:42,400 and it's better on Google. 365 00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:46,600 The cameras are so advanced now, 366 00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:48,320 they're seeing more than my eyes can. 367 00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:50,480 This old bloke showed me his camera. It was amazing. 368 00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:53,440 I thought, "Why don't I just send him and look at it in the morning?" 369 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,280 What's the point?! 370 00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:58,160 It's the adventure of it. 371 00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:00,120 It was cold and dark. 372 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,440 We thought we saw the Northern Lights. 373 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:06,160 We're driving through Northumberland where there's not a lot of Alan. 374 00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:07,680 Yeah. 375 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:09,920 And there's green and purple. 376 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:13,440 I'm going, "Wow, look, the Northern Lights, this is amazing." 377 00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:15,280 And it turned out it was a nightclub 378 00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:16,800 in Newcastle doing lasers. 379 00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:20,560 The thing about light pollution, 380 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:22,440 it has a devastating effect on animals. 381 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:25,520 So birds, for example, that migrate at night, they usually navigate 382 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:28,240 by moonlight and starlight, and that can put them off course. 383 00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:30,640 And it's sad as well because turtle hatchlings, 384 00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:33,480 if there's too much light beside the seashore, they get confused 385 00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:35,880 because they're guided by the reflection of the moon, stars 386 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:37,320 and water and they go the wrong way. 387 00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:38,600 Idiots. 388 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:44,480 But why don't the turtle mums lay the eggs a bit nearer the sea? 389 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:46,560 It's always right at the end of the beach. 390 00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:48,960 Why are you always blaming the women, Rob?! 391 00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:53,600 Why don't they just go to the maternity ward? Yeah. 392 00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:55,320 Just lay them in the sea. 393 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:57,600 Why don't they just lay them where they want to, 394 00:17:57,600 --> 00:17:59,560 and the man turtle move them along? 395 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:02,200 Where the hell are YOU in all this?! I'D move it. 396 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,040 If I was a man turtle, I'd move it. 397 00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:08,520 "If I was a man turtle, I'd MOVE IT!" 398 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,880 There's a special thing about the Essex village 399 00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:14,200 of Theydon Bois. 400 00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:16,040 Does anybody know what it is? 401 00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:17,720 They don't have any street lights. Yes. 402 00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:19,560 They don't have street lights at all. 403 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:22,520 They decided against street lights when they were offered them in 1926. 404 00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:24,600 And since then, they've had numerous referenda 405 00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:26,840 to decide whether or not they're going to have them. 406 00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:29,720 And each time they have voted to keep Alan out. 407 00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:32,040 Wow. True. My Uncle Pat lived there. 408 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:35,360 We used to go there for Sunday lunch. It's terribly nice. 409 00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:40,360 That up there, that's the golf... that's the golf course. 410 00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:42,920 I didn't know WHAT that was! No. 411 00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:44,640 All those sand bunkers! I know. 412 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,240 And they're houses. Yeah. 413 00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:54,560 I'm just looking to see if there's any "cows". 414 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:58,920 They used to have funny-looking cows at the end of their garden. 415 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:01,560 Who did? My aunt and uncle. 416 00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:03,240 When you say funny-looking... 417 00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:05,000 Horses. Horses? 418 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:14,440 Right. Which are the most interesting tales of the sea? 419 00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:17,240 I would have said mermaids. 420 00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:20,320 Because you're like, oh, a human with fish at the bottom. 421 00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:23,200 It's just, I don't know where this mythology came from. 422 00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:25,640 It's fascinating. So I'm not talking about stories. 423 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:27,440 I'm talking about a different kind of TALE. 424 00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:29,440 Oh. Oh! Ahh! 425 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:32,000 T-A-I-L. What I nearly said was, 426 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,720 what's that fish that's shaped like a horse? 427 00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:41,040 Do you mean a seahorse? 428 00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:42,760 Sea cows? 429 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:44,320 It's like a funny cow fish. Yeah. 430 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:49,160 In the aquarium in London, 431 00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:51,720 they have them in a long tube and they just go up and down. 432 00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:54,160 My mum didn't think they were real.? What did she think... 433 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:56,680 She thought they were some sort of magical Disney character. 434 00:19:56,680 --> 00:19:59,000 And then we went to the London Aquarium, saw a seahorse, 435 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:00,680 and lost her mind. 436 00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:05,720 It's like the equivalent of going to London Zoo and seeing a Shrek. 437 00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:10,520 We were like, yeah, it's a seahorse. And she was like, 438 00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:12,480 "No!" I went, yeah, they're things! 439 00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:15,560 Is that her introduction to the natural world, through Disney? 440 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:17,960 Yeah, pretty much, when you grow up in Abbey Wood. 441 00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:20,720 But they hang on to things with their tails. 442 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,080 That's what came to mind. 443 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:24,560 They do, darling, and there are lots of amazing things that 444 00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:27,240 sea creatures can do with their tails that maybe we didn't know. 445 00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:30,360 So humpback whales, for example, talk to each other 446 00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:32,240 by slapping their tails onto the water. 447 00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:35,080 So a single whale sometimes jumps clear out of the water 448 00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:36,640 and slams its body down like that. 449 00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:38,760 It does it when it's approaching a large group. 450 00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:41,720 And the large group tends to do smaller repetitive tail slaps 451 00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:43,560 just before a new whale joins the group. 452 00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:46,000 So when you say single, you mean one on its own, not... 453 00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:48,200 Yeah. Sorry, I was just thinking, for you. 454 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:49,840 Just looking out for me. 455 00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:52,000 I'm not picky, I'll take a whale. 456 00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:56,240 They also slap more often when the wind picks up. 457 00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:58,720 And I guess it's probably because... I'm the same. 458 00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:07,320 So what's fascinating is that most likely they could be passing on 459 00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:11,280 information related to migration, to breeding, to feeding. 460 00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:13,520 This is not something I ever thought I'd say out loud, 461 00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:15,800 but humpbacks also slap their bodies on the water 462 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:19,600 to dislodge pubic lice, 463 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:24,400 which can grow alongside barnacles on their genital slit. 464 00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:26,360 Wow. Whoa. 465 00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:28,120 That is more likely. 466 00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:30,680 How big are whale pubic lice? 467 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:33,480 They're probably like this gigantic... As big as you, Daliso. 468 00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:35,160 As big as me. 469 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:36,880 One of them could be good for you. 470 00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:41,080 "He's dating a pubic lice!" 471 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:44,760 Whales, they can talk to one another. 472 00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:47,640 They can communicate over vast distances. Yeah, they're amazing. 473 00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:50,600 Why do we assume that when one slaps its tail in the water, 474 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:53,480 that's a conversation? He's clearly shaking his lice off. 475 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:55,560 But it feels like gossip, doesn't it? 476 00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:58,120 It feels like they were chatting to each other... Come here... 477 00:21:58,120 --> 00:22:00,000 ..like, "Oh, see her over there? 478 00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:02,200 "She's getting rid of her pubic lice." 479 00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:04,960 Are they just cleaning themselves up to meet a new group, 480 00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:07,440 like, you know, like a sink wash at the end of a day? 481 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:08,840 Yeah. 482 00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:11,040 GROANING What are you putting in the sink?! 483 00:22:11,040 --> 00:22:13,000 I knew that was a risk on this show. 484 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:18,080 Find the line. And the line is, washing your cock in a sink. 485 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:27,040 Do you remember there was a 1990s fashion, Sarah, for a whale tail? 486 00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:28,720 Do you remember what a whale tail was? 487 00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:31,920 I sort of sidestep all fashion, but sure. 488 00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:35,440 Yeah. It's showing your knickers above your jeans. There we are. 489 00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,040 Oh, is that what it's called? 490 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:39,120 My knickers don't look like that, Sandi! 491 00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:44,720 Mine are sometimes tucked in my bra, sure. But it doesn't... 492 00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:46,200 ..doesn't look like that. 493 00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:49,480 If it goes any lower, you'll show your blowhole. That's... 494 00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:51,600 Oh! Oh-ho-ho! 495 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:57,600 If it's thin that down the back, is it thin like that down the front? 496 00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:01,800 In my experience, I'd say it's a mixed bag. 497 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:02,960 It's all different. 498 00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:05,400 Sorry, did you call it a mixed bag? It's a mixed bag. 499 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:07,480 It's all different. 500 00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:09,520 Um... Let's go back to fish tails. 501 00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:13,080 What does this animal use its tail for? 502 00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:15,280 Wow. Oh, wow. Yeah. 503 00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:17,080 That bird, though, that's not... 504 00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:19,600 The horrible thing is, that's been dropped. 505 00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:21,160 Oh! 506 00:23:23,120 --> 00:23:25,800 This is called a thresher shark. And it's astonishing. 507 00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:30,000 It hunts with its tail, which makes up half its body, OK? 508 00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:33,360 And it actually accelerates towards a shoal of fish. 509 00:23:33,360 --> 00:23:37,400 It then lowers its snout and flips its tail over its head 510 00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:40,280 at speeds of up to 80mph. 511 00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:43,520 And it not only tries to hit the fish, but it creates shock waves 512 00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:46,600 to knock unconscious any fish that it misses. 513 00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:48,480 It's incredible. 514 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:52,080 I can't even peel a satsuma while I'm driving at 70mph. 515 00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:57,760 Just big orange thumb where you've been trying. 516 00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:02,240 This fish is called a dusky frillgoby. Hello! 517 00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:05,040 Those are very kissable lips, I think. They're nice! 518 00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:08,440 That's just a very apologetic face. 519 00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:10,680 Yeah. "I've just done something." 520 00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:13,960 Yeah. He's going, "Excuse me. I've got a contact lens. 521 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:15,880 "Can you see it anywhere?" 522 00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:22,200 So this is a dusky frillgoby. 523 00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:24,920 It uses its tail to sweep something away. 524 00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:26,720 What do you think it might be? 525 00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:28,640 The sand at the bottom of the sea? 526 00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:31,000 No, it's not sand. So this fish found in 527 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:33,680 the coastal waters of the Indian and Pacific oceans. 528 00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:35,320 Litter. 529 00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:36,680 Getting rid of rubbish? 530 00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:39,320 Yes. Well, it's what they consider to be rubbish. 531 00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:41,120 So heading in the right direction. 532 00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:43,400 When mating, a female lays her eggs in a nest 533 00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:46,280 and the male then spawns over the top of them. Right? 534 00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:47,640 And then he just walks away. 535 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:49,240 He does. 536 00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:51,040 He does, because he doesn't do childcare. 537 00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:55,080 Anyway, there are what are known as sneaker male frillgobies, 538 00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:56,600 and they lie in wait. 539 00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:59,320 They are smaller but with larger testicles. 540 00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:01,520 It's an important detail. 541 00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:04,040 One for your profile. Yeah. 542 00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:06,560 Smaller with larger testicles. 543 00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:10,360 Looking for someone patient and understanding! 544 00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:18,440 So anyway, so these sneaky ones, the smaller ones, 545 00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:19,880 they will sneak onto the nest 546 00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:22,120 and ejaculate their own sperm over the eggs. 547 00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:26,280 But if the original male notices, he will chase the sneaker away 548 00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:29,160 from the nest and use his tail, so it's like a brush, 549 00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:31,360 to sweep the sperm of the other. 550 00:25:31,360 --> 00:25:33,840 Oh, God. It's like a biscuit at boarding school, this. 551 00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:35,560 GROANING 552 00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:41,640 Now, here's another quick tale of derring-do. 553 00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:45,000 What's the most heroic thing ever to happen in Argos? 554 00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:46,560 Ooh! Ah, what? 555 00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:48,720 The president of Gambia... Yes. 556 00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:52,440 He used to be a security guard at Argos. 557 00:25:52,440 --> 00:25:53,960 Well, that's wonderful! 558 00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:56,040 That's fantastic, isn't it? Yes. 559 00:25:56,040 --> 00:26:00,240 I imagine when he was elected, they didn't write names. 560 00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:02,320 They just wrote down numbers. 561 00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:07,000 So was he massively overqualified for Argos, 562 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:08,720 or really underqualified... 563 00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:12,080 I am actually talking about the city of Argos. 564 00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:13,720 Is the country of Argos like the shop, 565 00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:16,160 where it's inside the country of Sainsbury's sometimes? 566 00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:19,960 There is a city called Argos... City, sorry. 567 00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:23,240 It is the oldest continuously inhabited city in Europe. 568 00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:25,760 Stop it! Yeah, it is in the Peloponnese. 569 00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:27,960 Do you know where that is? Nah, what's going on? 570 00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:32,560 So this is a marvellous story. It's the story of Telesilla. 571 00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:34,360 So she's an ancient Greek poet. 572 00:26:34,360 --> 00:26:35,880 We're talking around 500 BC. 573 00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:38,920 The Spartans were advancing on the city of Argos 574 00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:41,160 and they had defeated the Argivian army. 575 00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:43,800 So if you're from Argos, you are Argivian. If you go shopping, 576 00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:46,800 you could say "I'm going to do some Argivian shopping." OK? 577 00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:50,080 And Telesilla decided to create a makeshift Dad's Army. 578 00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:51,920 Actually, it was more of a Mum's Army. 579 00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:54,440 She dressed all of the townswomen in men's clothes, 580 00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:55,880 she gave them makeshift weapons, 581 00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:57,680 and she stood them on the walls of the city 582 00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:00,560 alongside all the young boys and the old men too old to fight. 583 00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:03,520 The Spartans arrived thinking it's going to be an undefended city. 584 00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:05,720 But they were forced to halt in front of this huge 585 00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:08,720 women's battalion. And they tried making chilling battle cries 586 00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:11,320 to intimidate them and so on, but the women stood firm 587 00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:13,720 and the Spartans realised that they might lose. 588 00:27:13,720 --> 00:27:15,320 And then, even if they did win, 589 00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:18,000 who wants to win against a whole mass of women? 590 00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:19,320 And so they retreated. 591 00:27:19,320 --> 00:27:21,200 And Argos celebrated with an annual festival 592 00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:23,200 where all the women dressed in men's clothing. 593 00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:24,520 I think it's a wonderful story. 594 00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:28,960 So the store name Argos comes from that very Greek city. 595 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:31,880 I know this, it's because they all had tiny little swords. 596 00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:36,480 That's why they have little pens in Argos. 597 00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:38,320 These little swords. 598 00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:40,800 Isn't it disappointing they don't have little pens any more? 599 00:27:40,800 --> 00:27:42,760 It's all... I know. It's all digital these days. 600 00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:45,400 The glory days of the pen. They don't even have the catalogue. 601 00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:48,000 Do you think they shaved their armpits? 602 00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:52,120 What I like is the detail that you are focused on... 603 00:27:52,120 --> 00:27:54,280 We've got that recycling food bin. 604 00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:00,800 One hand in the air. 605 00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:02,440 This is not how you make a speech. 606 00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:03,800 It's very distracting. 607 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:05,840 Going, "Has anyone seen my other leg?" 608 00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:10,960 "It's behind you." "What?" 609 00:28:12,120 --> 00:28:14,080 So the store name comes from the Greek city. 610 00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:16,920 The guy who founded it, Richard Tompkins, was holidaying there 611 00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:19,000 and he was trying to think of a name and he realised 612 00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:22,000 if he called it Argos, it would be really high up in the alphabet. 613 00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:23,920 Should have called it Aardvark. 614 00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:28,320 But we no longer have the great catalogues. 615 00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:29,960 2021, they went. I do like, 616 00:28:29,960 --> 00:28:32,880 in 2018, when Alan Carr was on Desert Island Discs, 617 00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:36,360 he chose the Argos catalogue as his book. Did he?! 618 00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:40,840 I used to cut all the stuff out for Christmas. 619 00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:42,520 That was how you did your Christmas list. 620 00:28:42,520 --> 00:28:46,400 What, you just cut them out, and instead of presents, you got just... 621 00:28:48,280 --> 00:28:51,160 We'd cut them out and stick it on the letter to Father Christmas. 622 00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:53,640 Did you? Yeah. Could you not just write a list, darling? 623 00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:54,720 Seems like a lot of work. 624 00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:57,240 Well, yeah, I've got to learn to write, then, haven't you? 625 00:28:57,240 --> 00:28:59,440 Seemed like a lot of hassle. 626 00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:00,880 Anyway, moving on, now... 627 00:29:00,880 --> 00:29:03,240 Why would a telephone company ask their customers 628 00:29:03,240 --> 00:29:05,320 NOT to use the phone? 629 00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:10,440 Well, nowadays, the phone is just a relic in your flat 630 00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:12,360 because we're all on mobile. 631 00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:14,520 But you still have the physical phone. 632 00:29:14,520 --> 00:29:15,800 I don't have a landline. 633 00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:18,760 I once had to do an interview on it and it's so awkward. 634 00:29:18,760 --> 00:29:22,040 I had to lie on the floor because it's just there. 635 00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:25,040 I don't know why it's there. Pick it up, can you? 636 00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:30,920 But it doesn't ring! 637 00:29:30,920 --> 00:29:33,040 No wonder you're struggling with dating. 638 00:29:33,040 --> 00:29:34,840 "Hello, do you want to go for a drink?" 639 00:29:34,840 --> 00:29:36,840 Well, then when he has a drink, 640 00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:39,000 it's just he has to get down to it. 641 00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:42,280 You know they're going to phase them out? 642 00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:44,440 What?! The landline. They're going to phase it out. 643 00:29:44,440 --> 00:29:45,760 I haven't got a landline. 644 00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:48,440 You've said that, Rob. We ignored it the first time. 645 00:29:50,760 --> 00:29:52,760 Tell us one of your dreams. 646 00:29:55,880 --> 00:29:57,640 Do you know, when I was a child, 647 00:29:57,640 --> 00:30:00,040 we had a small holiday home in rural Denmark, 648 00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:01,920 and our telephone number was 5. 649 00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:08,080 And if you wanted to ring Copenhagen, 650 00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:10,760 you had to book three days in advance. No. Yeah. Wow. 651 00:30:10,760 --> 00:30:12,760 Have I told you? I haven't got a landline. 652 00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:15,000 Have you? 653 00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:16,880 Do you have a mobile? No. 654 00:30:16,880 --> 00:30:18,680 I just sort of...just wait. 655 00:30:18,680 --> 00:30:20,360 See what happens. 656 00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:22,360 Do you just get it telepathically? 657 00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:24,880 I sometimes... "Everybody needs a poo." 658 00:30:26,840 --> 00:30:30,560 Anyway, the question was, "Why...? - a long time ago - 659 00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:33,840 "Why would a telephone company ask customers not to use the phone?" 660 00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:36,440 Is it something to do with the phone box in the picture? 661 00:30:36,440 --> 00:30:37,920 No, that's... So...because people 662 00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:40,120 always have to have a wee, as well, don't they? 663 00:30:40,120 --> 00:30:42,240 Cos they go in for a wee, and they're like, 664 00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:43,600 "Might as well ring somebody." 665 00:30:45,200 --> 00:30:46,440 For a wee? Oh, yeah. 666 00:30:46,440 --> 00:30:48,440 They always... Well, somebody has, 667 00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:51,160 cos if you go in one, they always smell very strongly. 668 00:30:51,160 --> 00:30:52,520 They smell. That's true. 669 00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:54,160 Superman, I feel sorry for. 670 00:30:54,160 --> 00:30:56,920 They should just be connected directly to the sewers. 671 00:30:56,920 --> 00:30:59,960 Yeah. Just have a drain in the bottom of them. Yeah, yeah. 672 00:30:59,960 --> 00:31:02,920 I once went into a phone box, and I held the phone up at my ear, 673 00:31:02,920 --> 00:31:04,240 and when I pulled it back, 674 00:31:04,240 --> 00:31:07,720 somebody had squashed half a mince pie into the... No! 675 00:31:07,720 --> 00:31:09,120 GROANING 676 00:31:09,120 --> 00:31:10,840 Yeah? THAT was a lucky find! 677 00:31:14,120 --> 00:31:15,560 Was it Christmas? 678 00:31:15,560 --> 00:31:17,000 Not that kind of mince pie. 679 00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:18,680 Like, proper mince. Proper mince? Yeah. 680 00:31:18,680 --> 00:31:20,880 Beef? Yeah, gravy and everything. 681 00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:22,480 Er, uh, uh, uh. 682 00:31:25,320 --> 00:31:27,360 Imagine the angry phone call. 683 00:31:29,480 --> 00:31:31,040 Just rubbing a pie into the phone. 684 00:31:31,040 --> 00:31:33,000 "Don't you shove that pasty in my ear! 685 00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:35,200 "Don't you dare shove that pasty in my ear!" 686 00:31:36,560 --> 00:31:40,320 We are talking about the Spanish flu outbreak in the 1910s. 687 00:31:40,320 --> 00:31:43,680 And what happened was telephones became such a crutch 688 00:31:43,680 --> 00:31:46,800 for the isolating population that when operators started 689 00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:49,480 to get sick as well, the whole system began to creak. 690 00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:52,440 Up until then, lots of US phone companies, for example, 691 00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:55,000 had encouraged people to chat, and people were encouraged 692 00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:56,960 not to go to the shops, but to order by telephone. 693 00:31:56,960 --> 00:31:59,200 That had never been done before. That was brand-new. 694 00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:01,440 Some kids received their education via the telephone, 695 00:32:01,440 --> 00:32:04,040 and people were even encouraged - love this - to ring their local 696 00:32:04,040 --> 00:32:06,080 newspaper to get the news of what was going on. 697 00:32:06,080 --> 00:32:08,920 And the phone system, then, was operated manually 698 00:32:08,920 --> 00:32:10,920 by...entirely by women, actually. 699 00:32:10,920 --> 00:32:12,360 And when they started to get sick, 700 00:32:12,360 --> 00:32:14,200 there was nobody there to connect the calls. 701 00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:16,640 And so, they sent out cards, and even they had newspaper ads, 702 00:32:16,640 --> 00:32:18,200 saying, "Please don't use the phone 703 00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:20,440 "because the system simply can't cope with it." 704 00:32:20,440 --> 00:32:23,040 Now, here's something incredible about telecommunications. 705 00:32:23,040 --> 00:32:24,640 When he was on campaign, 706 00:32:24,640 --> 00:32:30,280 Napoleon had a mobile device that could send text messages. 707 00:32:30,280 --> 00:32:32,360 How do you think that worked? 708 00:32:32,360 --> 00:32:35,160 Did he have a long line of people who just passed it down? 709 00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:36,920 SARAH LAUGHS 710 00:32:36,920 --> 00:32:38,400 all the way along? Well... OK, so... 711 00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:40,400 ..so, you are heading... Stop it. Stop it. 712 00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:42,600 A point? Stop it. Am I sniffing around a point? 713 00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:45,000 It's like having a Labrador on the show. Yeah. 714 00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:49,280 OK, it is to do with a line of something. 715 00:32:49,280 --> 00:32:53,560 Did he...? He'd watched whales, so he got the tail of his jacket, 716 00:32:53,560 --> 00:32:55,160 and he flapped it. 717 00:32:56,440 --> 00:32:58,920 And everybody in the army all flapped it, 718 00:32:58,920 --> 00:33:01,200 and the message went. Did he just write on a bit of paper, 719 00:33:01,200 --> 00:33:03,240 "I need a poo," and then pass it along? 720 00:33:04,440 --> 00:33:07,160 Was it flags? Whack up a flag. Pass on the message. 721 00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:09,120 Another flag, another flag, all the way home. 722 00:33:09,120 --> 00:33:10,480 OK, I am going to give you a point, 723 00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:12,720 cos that's as close as we're going to get, I think. Wow! 724 00:33:12,720 --> 00:33:15,640 Yes! Yes! Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 725 00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:17,120 The Labrador's in! 726 00:33:18,520 --> 00:33:22,040 Come on. As early as 1791, 727 00:33:22,040 --> 00:33:25,120 France had means of sending messages across the country, 728 00:33:25,120 --> 00:33:27,640 and they used a system called optical telegraph. 729 00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:30,840 So, giant wooden towers with long arms, 730 00:33:30,840 --> 00:33:34,120 and at the height of the optical telegraph's popularity, 731 00:33:34,120 --> 00:33:37,080 there were 556 towers across France. 732 00:33:37,080 --> 00:33:40,920 So, on a clear day, you could send messages 75 miles per minute. 733 00:33:40,920 --> 00:33:43,800 So, basically, each one had an operator who moved the arms 734 00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:46,320 to represent a letter, and then the person at the next tower 735 00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:48,240 would spy the symbol through a telescope 736 00:33:48,240 --> 00:33:50,360 and then relay the message on to the next tower. 737 00:33:50,360 --> 00:33:54,040 But what's amazing, Napoleon took a small version of this system 738 00:33:54,040 --> 00:33:55,680 with him on his invasion of Russia, 739 00:33:55,680 --> 00:33:59,200 and it meant that he basically owned a mobile device 740 00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:02,200 that could send text messages. 741 00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:04,600 Wow. I mean, it is astonishing, really. 742 00:34:04,600 --> 00:34:07,240 And the arms of the telegraph, in that instance, the mobile one, 743 00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:09,040 were attached to the tent in the camp. 744 00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:10,960 I have to say, it had limited practical use. 745 00:34:10,960 --> 00:34:12,640 You'd need hundreds of manned stations 746 00:34:12,640 --> 00:34:15,440 if you're going to send a message from Moscow to Paris, or whatever. 747 00:34:15,440 --> 00:34:16,720 And apart from the sketches, 748 00:34:16,720 --> 00:34:18,640 we don't have much evidence that it was used. 749 00:34:18,640 --> 00:34:20,080 But I still think it's amazing. 750 00:34:20,080 --> 00:34:22,960 The first two optical telegraphs, they were invented by an engineer 751 00:34:22,960 --> 00:34:24,800 called Claude Chappe, 752 00:34:24,800 --> 00:34:27,840 there he is, trialled at the Place de l'Etoile in Paris. 753 00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:32,320 They were destroyed by angry mobs who thought they were communicating 754 00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:34,440 with royalist sympathisers. 755 00:34:34,440 --> 00:34:36,160 Like the first 5G tower. 756 00:34:36,160 --> 00:34:37,800 Exactly. Exactly like that, darling. 757 00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:40,440 I don't know if it's an urban legend... 758 00:34:40,440 --> 00:34:42,920 OK, go for it. I'm probably at the right place to find out. 759 00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:45,480 Did Napoleon also invent mayonnaise? 760 00:34:46,880 --> 00:34:48,520 Er... 761 00:34:48,520 --> 00:34:51,240 There we go. This is what I'm here for. 762 00:34:53,080 --> 00:34:54,800 I'm afraid that is an urban myth. 763 00:34:54,800 --> 00:34:57,360 But he certainly was very concerned about food. 764 00:34:57,360 --> 00:34:59,720 But mayonnaise, no. Oh. I'm going to go no. 765 00:34:59,720 --> 00:35:02,360 SARAH: Maybe it's all the messages, "I've invented mayonnaise! 766 00:35:02,360 --> 00:35:03,640 "Tell them." 767 00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:05,960 Cos he was trying to make horseradish. 768 00:35:07,080 --> 00:35:08,680 Cow radish. 769 00:35:08,680 --> 00:35:11,440 Silly cow radish, yeah. Silly cow radish. 770 00:35:11,440 --> 00:35:16,160 Now, it's time for the tall tales that we call general ignorance. 771 00:35:16,160 --> 00:35:18,440 Fingers on buzzers, please. 772 00:35:18,440 --> 00:35:21,520 Who won the last battle of the Napoleonic Wars? 773 00:35:21,520 --> 00:35:23,640 # Tell her... # 774 00:35:23,640 --> 00:35:25,240 Wellington? 775 00:35:25,240 --> 00:35:27,760 KLAXON 776 00:35:29,640 --> 00:35:32,880 Wasn't it Duke of Wellington won the Battle of Waterloo? 777 00:35:32,880 --> 00:35:34,560 Yes, that is correct. 778 00:35:34,560 --> 00:35:36,120 But it wasn't the last battle. 779 00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:39,360 Oh, no. Oh, no, Daliso. How embarrassing. 780 00:35:43,360 --> 00:35:45,640 You're never going to get a partner now. No. 781 00:35:46,800 --> 00:35:48,560 I think, Daliso, that even Napoleon 782 00:35:48,560 --> 00:35:51,560 looks embarrassed by your answer, doesn't he? He's like... Yeah. 783 00:35:51,560 --> 00:35:53,160 "Oh, I can't believe he said that." 784 00:35:53,160 --> 00:35:55,120 Was his last battle with himself? 785 00:35:55,120 --> 00:35:56,560 Oh, wow. Deep. 786 00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:00,040 The final battle of the Napoleonic Wars 787 00:36:00,040 --> 00:36:02,000 was something called the Battle of Wavre. 788 00:36:02,000 --> 00:36:04,800 So, French reinforcements were on their way to Waterloo, 789 00:36:04,800 --> 00:36:06,880 which they didn't even know had already ended. 790 00:36:06,880 --> 00:36:08,520 And the Prussians tried to stop them, 791 00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:10,360 and the French technically won the battle. 792 00:36:10,360 --> 00:36:12,840 But by then, since Napoleon had already retreated, 793 00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:15,520 there was no need for any soldiers to advance. 794 00:36:15,520 --> 00:36:18,160 And contrary to what Abba claim... 795 00:36:19,960 --> 00:36:22,280 ..where I get my history from, 796 00:36:22,280 --> 00:36:24,560 Napoleon did not surrender at Waterloo. 797 00:36:24,560 --> 00:36:27,120 What?! In fact, he's still... Yeah, he still... I know. 798 00:36:27,120 --> 00:36:29,480 I've had a word with Bjorn about it. LAUGHTER 799 00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:31,360 No, Napoleon did not surrender at Waterloo. 800 00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:33,880 He retreated to Paris to rally support for a counterattack, 801 00:36:33,880 --> 00:36:35,840 but he wasn't able to get the support. 802 00:36:35,840 --> 00:36:39,960 And then, in the end, he boarded the HMS Bellerophon and headed 803 00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:43,080 for St Helena and exile. 804 00:36:43,080 --> 00:36:47,800 When the Temperance Movement was formed, what did they want to ban? 805 00:36:47,800 --> 00:36:49,880 Well, I'm going to say booze, Sandi. 806 00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:52,640 Yeah. 807 00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:57,080 The answer is nothing. They didn't want to ban anything at all. 808 00:36:57,080 --> 00:36:59,520 Didn't want to ban anything. Oh. No, it began in the 1820s, 809 00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:01,960 and the whole idea was that they didn't want to ban alcohol, 810 00:37:01,960 --> 00:37:04,240 they just wanted people to temper their alcohol. Oh. 811 00:37:04,240 --> 00:37:06,480 So, it was booze, then? Well, they didn't want you to... 812 00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:08,120 They were fine with things like beer. 813 00:37:08,120 --> 00:37:09,840 Yes, booze. 814 00:37:09,840 --> 00:37:12,080 Yes. 815 00:37:12,080 --> 00:37:14,320 They just wanted you to drink less, not ban it. 816 00:37:14,320 --> 00:37:15,760 Drink less what, Sandi? Er... 817 00:37:15,760 --> 00:37:17,960 LAUGHTER 818 00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:22,200 Just booze, was it? It was just booze. 819 00:37:24,280 --> 00:37:26,920 You know what you're driving me to here, don't you? 820 00:37:29,440 --> 00:37:31,960 Anyway, the whole thing about the Temperance Movement, 821 00:37:31,960 --> 00:37:33,800 it was very much taken up in the United States 822 00:37:33,800 --> 00:37:36,200 as a sort of proto-feminist issue, because women were seen 823 00:37:36,200 --> 00:37:39,040 as bearing the brunt of the problem of male drunkenness. 824 00:37:39,040 --> 00:37:41,800 And the Women's Christian Temperance Union, 825 00:37:41,800 --> 00:37:43,240 they adopted the mantra, 826 00:37:43,240 --> 00:37:46,560 "The lips that touch liquor shall never touch mine." 827 00:37:46,560 --> 00:37:50,360 DALISO: That picture does not make you want to drink the liquor. 828 00:37:51,920 --> 00:37:53,280 "Say cheese." 829 00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:55,040 "No." 830 00:37:55,040 --> 00:37:57,840 Have they had the drink or not had the drink? 831 00:37:57,840 --> 00:38:00,440 Which one do you like the look of, Daliso? 832 00:38:00,440 --> 00:38:01,480 Yeah. 833 00:38:03,440 --> 00:38:06,200 If I had to...if I had to... Look at that as a picture 834 00:38:06,200 --> 00:38:08,640 of patience and understanding. If I had to, there is... 835 00:38:08,640 --> 00:38:11,640 Yeah. The lady at the centre, with the hat. 836 00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:12,960 Yeah, she's got something. 837 00:38:12,960 --> 00:38:15,320 I like Griff Rhys Jones next to her. 838 00:38:15,320 --> 00:38:17,720 LAUGHTER 839 00:38:19,120 --> 00:38:21,160 This is probably a short film parody. 840 00:38:21,160 --> 00:38:23,600 Oh, so that's not the original? Yeah. 841 00:38:23,600 --> 00:38:26,320 And I would guess there's a lot of men dressed up as women. 842 00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:28,320 It was called the Kansas Saloon Smashers. 843 00:38:28,320 --> 00:38:30,440 It was a satire of an activist called Carrie Nation. 844 00:38:30,440 --> 00:38:33,280 She was a woman who went round bars and smashed them up with an axe, 845 00:38:33,280 --> 00:38:34,680 and it still had an effect. 846 00:38:34,680 --> 00:38:37,680 I was having dinner in a very nice restaurant in Maine, 847 00:38:37,680 --> 00:38:39,280 and the woman said, "Can I help you?" 848 00:38:39,280 --> 00:38:41,480 I said, "Well, first, we'd like to see the wine list." 849 00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:43,440 And she said, "Honey, we're dry for 30 miles." 850 00:38:43,440 --> 00:38:48,040 And there are still counties in Maine where there is no drinking 851 00:38:48,040 --> 00:38:49,600 because of Carrie Nation - 852 00:38:49,600 --> 00:38:51,600 30 miles to the nearest liquor store. 853 00:38:51,600 --> 00:38:54,400 I managed it there and back in 40 minutes. Well done. 854 00:38:54,400 --> 00:38:56,600 LAUGHTER 855 00:38:57,840 --> 00:39:00,400 There are some very strange places where you can't drink. 856 00:39:00,400 --> 00:39:03,280 So, Jack Daniel's, very, very famous drink from Tennessee, 857 00:39:03,280 --> 00:39:06,280 you can't drink it in Lynchburg, where it's made. 858 00:39:06,280 --> 00:39:07,760 Oh. I know. It's just weird. 859 00:39:07,760 --> 00:39:10,560 There are still what are known as alcohol restrictive counties 860 00:39:10,560 --> 00:39:12,440 in the United States. Oh, I thought it was just 861 00:39:12,440 --> 00:39:13,840 you couldn't drink Jack Daniel's, 862 00:39:13,840 --> 00:39:17,040 but you could get plastered on everything else. 863 00:39:17,040 --> 00:39:21,280 Now, which is the world's longest animal? 864 00:39:22,600 --> 00:39:24,720 Oh. # Tell me why... # 865 00:39:24,720 --> 00:39:26,120 The Loch Ness Monster. 866 00:39:27,160 --> 00:39:28,920 We hadn't even thought of that. 867 00:39:28,920 --> 00:39:31,040 Well, I think you need a new guy on the firm. 868 00:39:31,040 --> 00:39:32,760 Yeah. 869 00:39:32,760 --> 00:39:34,280 # Tell me why... # 870 00:39:34,280 --> 00:39:37,280 I'm going to get a thingy, but is it a blue whale? 871 00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:39,080 KLAXON 872 00:39:39,080 --> 00:39:40,880 Oh, for God's sake, Sarah. 873 00:39:40,880 --> 00:39:43,880 At least mine exists! Thanks for taking that one for the team. 874 00:39:43,880 --> 00:39:46,280 Giraffe. Is it a jellyfish? 875 00:39:46,280 --> 00:39:48,960 Is it...? Did you say jellyfish? Yeah. I said giraffe. 876 00:39:48,960 --> 00:39:50,720 KLAXON 877 00:39:52,440 --> 00:39:57,880 So, series A, which is 20 years ago, on QI, 878 00:39:57,880 --> 00:40:00,600 the lion's mane jellyfish was indeed the longest. 879 00:40:00,600 --> 00:40:03,320 Yeah, I remember. Cos it's got tentacles that go on for miles. 880 00:40:03,320 --> 00:40:04,840 But we keep discovering new things. 881 00:40:04,840 --> 00:40:08,120 So, in series C, it was the bootlace worm. 882 00:40:08,120 --> 00:40:11,000 But in 2020... Drum roll. 883 00:40:11,000 --> 00:40:13,240 Let's have a drum roll. OK, here we go. Dog. 884 00:40:13,240 --> 00:40:16,960 A new siphonophore was found in the deep ocean, 885 00:40:16,960 --> 00:40:19,720 off the coast of Australia, that is... 886 00:40:19,720 --> 00:40:22,000 ..120m long. Woo! Ooh. 887 00:40:22,000 --> 00:40:23,760 WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE 888 00:40:23,760 --> 00:40:26,160 A siphonophore? Thought that was a brass instrument. 889 00:40:27,840 --> 00:40:30,320 One of the big, massive ones. Always got backache on the Tube. 890 00:40:30,320 --> 00:40:32,880 How much does length really matter? 891 00:40:32,880 --> 00:40:35,920 This is why you're single. 892 00:40:35,920 --> 00:40:37,880 Don't put that on your profile. 893 00:40:39,080 --> 00:40:42,440 Basically, it's a long string of thousands of smaller 894 00:40:42,440 --> 00:40:46,160 creatures called zoids, and their only job is to keep 895 00:40:46,160 --> 00:40:47,840 the larger creature alive, 896 00:40:47,840 --> 00:40:49,280 and some of them propel it along, 897 00:40:49,280 --> 00:40:51,280 and some might feed the other animal, 898 00:40:51,280 --> 00:40:52,960 others act like the gonads, and so on. 899 00:40:52,960 --> 00:40:56,360 And they can't live on their own, which is why the large collection 900 00:40:56,360 --> 00:40:58,200 is seen as an individual, OK? 901 00:40:58,200 --> 00:40:59,600 A sophinophore? A what? 902 00:40:59,600 --> 00:41:01,120 Siphonophore. Yeah. 903 00:41:01,120 --> 00:41:02,440 It was in Lord Of The Rings. 904 00:41:04,080 --> 00:41:05,560 Lots and lots of little creatures, 905 00:41:05,560 --> 00:41:07,640 but because they can't live as individuals, 906 00:41:07,640 --> 00:41:09,960 they are seen together as a single. 907 00:41:09,960 --> 00:41:12,160 Like Tottenham supporters. So, like... 908 00:41:14,000 --> 00:41:16,120 Can't survive on their own. "Uh!" 909 00:41:16,120 --> 00:41:17,520 A siphonophore. 910 00:41:19,520 --> 00:41:21,920 What I like is they're found along the coast of Australia 911 00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:24,120 and New Zealand, and the locals call them 912 00:41:24,120 --> 00:41:27,000 long, stringy, stringy thingies. LAUGHTER 913 00:41:28,280 --> 00:41:30,720 So, cos they're all lots of different things, all together, 914 00:41:30,720 --> 00:41:32,160 they make one. Yeah. 915 00:41:32,160 --> 00:41:34,400 Two blue whales mating - 916 00:41:34,400 --> 00:41:35,960 what are we talking about now, then? 917 00:41:36,960 --> 00:41:39,520 If that went over 120m, is that a thing? 918 00:41:39,520 --> 00:41:41,680 Cos there's two together? Yeah, I don't think 919 00:41:41,680 --> 00:41:43,680 whales mate end to end, that's the thing. 920 00:41:43,680 --> 00:41:46,880 What about, like, a whale human centipede? 921 00:41:48,280 --> 00:41:50,200 I think that... I didn't want to bring it up 922 00:41:50,200 --> 00:41:52,680 because of the dick-in-the-sink stuff earlier, 923 00:41:52,680 --> 00:41:54,240 but that's a fair shout. Thanks. 924 00:41:54,240 --> 00:41:57,280 Five blue whales banging - how long are we talking? 925 00:41:58,280 --> 00:42:00,040 Blue whale orgy? Yeah. 926 00:42:00,040 --> 00:42:03,080 Do you know what? It's been my great first and last appearance. 927 00:42:03,080 --> 00:42:04,920 LAUGHTER 928 00:42:04,920 --> 00:42:07,400 Just got to imagine all these going, "Left a bit. Left a bit. 929 00:42:07,400 --> 00:42:09,120 "Right a bit. Where you going? 930 00:42:09,120 --> 00:42:11,600 "Where we going now? Where we going now? Where we going now?" 931 00:42:11,600 --> 00:42:14,720 "Ask the ones down the fr..." "Where we going now? 932 00:42:16,280 --> 00:42:18,680 "I can't function on my own." 933 00:42:18,680 --> 00:42:20,400 Like a big conga. 934 00:42:20,400 --> 00:42:22,600 # Ay, ay, ay, ay, musi... # 935 00:42:22,600 --> 00:42:27,200 Actually, not necessarily funny, but, accurately, humans, 936 00:42:27,200 --> 00:42:29,520 we cannot exist alone. 937 00:42:29,520 --> 00:42:32,800 So, actually, all of us together beat that. You could if you... 938 00:42:32,800 --> 00:42:34,600 ..if you lived alone 939 00:42:34,600 --> 00:42:36,320 in a branch of Asda. 940 00:42:36,320 --> 00:42:37,400 Yeah. 941 00:42:39,240 --> 00:42:41,640 Survive for years, just grazing. 942 00:42:41,640 --> 00:42:43,240 Yeah. 943 00:42:43,240 --> 00:42:45,440 You know, you're allowed to graze in a supermarket. 944 00:42:45,440 --> 00:42:47,160 You can eat as much as you want, 945 00:42:47,160 --> 00:42:49,600 as long as you haven't left. 946 00:42:49,600 --> 00:42:52,440 I used to eat kilos of Bombay mix in Safeway's. 947 00:42:52,440 --> 00:42:54,480 LAUGHTER 948 00:42:55,760 --> 00:42:58,880 All of which, plumbing the depths, leaves us staring at the abyss 949 00:42:58,880 --> 00:43:00,120 of the scores. 950 00:43:00,120 --> 00:43:03,000 In last place, a bit of a wreck with -27. 951 00:43:03,000 --> 00:43:05,040 Wow, that is bad. It's Alan! 952 00:43:05,040 --> 00:43:08,560 Oh, what?! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 953 00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:11,440 In third place, sailing close to the wind at times, with -12, 954 00:43:11,440 --> 00:43:13,160 it's Daliso! 955 00:43:13,160 --> 00:43:16,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 956 00:43:16,040 --> 00:43:19,440 In second place, barely keeping her head above water 957 00:43:19,440 --> 00:43:21,040 with -9, it's Sarah! 958 00:43:21,040 --> 00:43:24,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 959 00:43:25,760 --> 00:43:29,480 And our winner, who had a blue whale of a time, 960 00:43:29,480 --> 00:43:32,000 with four whole points, it's Rob! What?! 961 00:43:32,000 --> 00:43:34,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 962 00:43:43,480 --> 00:43:46,280 So, it's thanks to Sarah, Rob, Daliso and Alan, 963 00:43:46,280 --> 00:43:48,720 and I leave you with a thought from the brilliant Mark Twain. 964 00:43:48,720 --> 00:43:50,960 "Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? 965 00:43:50,960 --> 00:43:53,000 "Fiction, after all, has to make sense." 966 00:43:53,000 --> 00:43:54,720 Thank you and goodnight. 967 00:43:54,720 --> 00:43:56,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE