1 00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:24,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:34,000 Hello and welcome to QI, 3 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:37,880 where tonight we've gone totally tubular. 4 00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:39,600 Let's see who's around. 5 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:42,680 Firing on all cylinders, it's Sara Pascoe. 6 00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:45,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 7 00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:49,320 Channelling her inner tube, it's Bridget Christie. 8 00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:51,800 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 9 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:54,880 The light at the end of my tunnel, it's Deborah Frances-White. 10 00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:58,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:00,200 And in the conservatory with the lead piping, 12 00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:01,280 it's Alan Davies. 13 00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:03,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 14 00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:10,360 Please mind the gap between the train and the platform. 15 00:01:10,360 --> 00:01:12,640 This service will be stopping at the following stations. 16 00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:13,720 Sara goes... 17 00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:17,040 # Winding your way down on Baker Street... # 18 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:19,600 Bridget goes... 19 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:25,000 # When I get to Warwick Avenue... # 20 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:26,240 Deborah goes... 21 00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:30,880 # Waterloo, I was defeated You won the war... # 22 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:34,840 And Alan goes... 23 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:38,320 # Ealing Broadway, Fulham Broadway, Tooting Broadway, Arsenal 24 00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:40,200 # Stockwell, Chigwell, Seven Sisters 25 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:41,800 # Blackhorse Road, Blackfriars, Temple 26 00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:43,360 # East Acton, Oval, Bow Road... # 27 00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:44,640 RECORDING SPEEDS UP RAPIDLY 28 00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:46,000 MIMICS TAPE BEING CHEWED UP 29 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:47,480 EXPLOSION 30 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:53,280 Right, question one - what can you do on the London Underground 31 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:55,480 in summer that a cow can't? 32 00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:00,880 Find the Central line, cos they can't see red. 33 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:07,360 Oh! So, inadvertently, you're heading in the right direction. 34 00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:09,640 Central line is the clue. 35 00:02:09,640 --> 00:02:10,880 Central line is the clue? 36 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,440 Central line is the hottest of the lines. 37 00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:15,600 Yes, that is correct. 38 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:18,400 What people do on a really hot Tube in the summer 39 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:20,920 is say, "They wouldn't even treat livestock like this." 40 00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:23,840 You couldn't say that if you're a cow, cos you are livestock. 41 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:25,480 LAUGHTER 42 00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:28,520 That is actually, weirdly, the correct answer. 43 00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:29,560 So... 44 00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:31,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 45 00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:36,720 The Central line is the hottest line on the Tube. 46 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:39,120 It regularly reaches temperatures in the summer 47 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:42,440 that exceed the legal limit for transporting cattle. Oh! 48 00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:47,520 In 2019, a journalist recorded a temperature of 36.6 Centigrade, 49 00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:49,360 100 degrees Fahrenheit, in old money, 50 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:51,880 on a Central line carriage when leaving Mile End. 51 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:54,240 So one of the problems is, it's one of the early lines. 52 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:56,920 And those early engineers, they didn't leave any space 53 00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:59,200 around the trains for ventilation or air conditioning and so on. 54 00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:01,640 So it's snugly wrapped in the surrounding clay, 55 00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:03,040 a bit like a blanket. 56 00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:04,480 But here's a really good thing. 57 00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:06,760 What do you think they do now with the abandoned stations, 58 00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:08,400 of which there are several? 59 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:10,400 Do they put big air conditioners in? 60 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:14,080 Well, that'd be pointless. It's abandoned. I don't know quite how... 61 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:17,800 Listen, I don't know a lot about air conditioning, as is apparent. Yeah. 62 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:21,240 But I wondered if they could use it at the next station 63 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:23,400 and somehow puff it down the line. 64 00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:26,920 You're right. You don't know very much... 65 00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:29,400 I'm going to give you a point for not knowing very much. 66 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:32,000 In fact, they use them as heat reservoirs, 67 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:33,640 which warm homes in the winter. 68 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:35,520 So City Road, in the Old Street area, 69 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:37,600 currently heats 1,000 homes in Islington. 70 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:40,360 So it's almost what I said, only the opposite of what I said. 71 00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:44,080 I live in Islington. How do I know if it's my house? 72 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:45,840 I would ring up and ask. 73 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:49,600 My house does smell like the Tube, though. 74 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:54,040 That may be just you need to throw some of those nappies away. 75 00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:57,120 Some of them have beds in, don't they? 76 00:03:57,120 --> 00:04:00,480 Yeah, Down Street has got baths and showers. Nice! 77 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:02,840 You wouldn't mind living in an underground station. It'd be nice. 78 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:04,480 I wouldn't like it. Oh, why? 79 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:05,880 I need a window. 80 00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:09,680 You can probably have a window but there's nothing to see. 81 00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:12,720 That's the only thing. Yeah, just a window propped up on the side. 82 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:14,360 That's Bridget's window. 83 00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:18,640 Before the Tube, first tunnel in London, any thoughts? 84 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:21,560 Under the Thames? Yes, under the Thames. Greenwich Foot Tunnel? 85 00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:24,400 No, the Thames Tunnel. The Thames Tunnel? Yes. 86 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:25,680 Where's that one? 87 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:29,760 So, it was started in 1825 and it still has trains going through it. 88 00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:35,040 That is a picture of it, entitled A Correct View of the Thames Tunnel. 89 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:37,720 It was the first time engineers had tunnelled under a major river. 90 00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:40,440 Sir Marc Brunel, Isambard's father. 91 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,600 He said he worked out how to do it 92 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:46,160 by watching shipworms pooing. 93 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:49,520 Yeah. So, when a shipworm, technically called a Teredo, 94 00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:51,840 burrows into wood, its head is protected 95 00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:53,640 by a sort of tough, helmet-like shell, 96 00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:54,960 and it digests the wood 97 00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:58,640 and then it excretes it out behind itself as a sort of hard residue 98 00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:01,720 that lines the tunnel and strengthens it - it's really clever. 99 00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:03,480 So clever. Isn't it brilliant, right? 100 00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:05,840 And he imitated this with a tunnelling shield. 101 00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:07,520 So it was an iron grid, right? 102 00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:10,000 And it pressed against the face of the tunnel when the workers 103 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,200 were digging out the earth between the grid squares. 104 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:14,080 And as they did that, others followed behind 105 00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,200 and reinforced the tunnel that they were creating. 106 00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:17,880 It took about 16 years to complete. 107 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:20,240 They progressed about four inches every day. 108 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:22,360 Who hasn't been there? LAUGHTER 109 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,840 And it was never really suitable for horse-drawn vehicles. 110 00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:27,640 In the end, it was just filled by souvenir sellers. 111 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:30,400 And that Correct View, passive-aggressive labelling 112 00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:32,880 of that picture. Yeah? Was that one illustrator having... 113 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:34,840 ..throwing some shade at another illustrator? 114 00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:36,960 No, it was throwing shade at the fact that it should 115 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:39,520 have been just nice ladies and gentlemen walking up and down. 116 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:43,760 And in fact, it was full of vagrants and acrobats and ne'er-do-wells. 117 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:44,880 Acrobats? Yeah. 118 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:47,480 People used to go down and entertain... Street entertainers. 119 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,600 They love a tunnel. LAUGHTER 120 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:52,600 The past is a very odd place, isn't it? Yeah. 121 00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:54,440 I don't know if you remember the 580-tonne 122 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:55,920 Channel Tunnel boring machine. 123 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:58,560 Do you remember that? Yeah, I do. I do remember it. 124 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:02,040 I pitched a novel, which was about some people who wanted 125 00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:04,440 to save the remaining endangered species. Mm? 126 00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:06,640 So, what they did was they wiped out humanity 127 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:10,840 by using that boring machine to... 128 00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:13,360 So, anyway, it didn't get commissioned. 129 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:15,400 LAUGHTER 130 00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:17,440 "No, thank you." 131 00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:18,680 For a while, the machine, 132 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:21,240 once they'd finished the Channel Tunnel, it was for sale. 133 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:25,840 It was sold in 2004 for just under £40,000 to a bidder on eBay. 134 00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:27,200 No. Yeah. 135 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:29,760 Price did not include delivery. No returns. 136 00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:31,200 That's the thing. 137 00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:32,760 Would you have bought such a thing? 138 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:34,760 I'd like to have just had it, put it in the garden. 139 00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:38,040 It'd be quite interesting. I think... How big is your garden? 140 00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:40,800 Quite a lot bigger, if you had that. Yeah, that's so true. 141 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,240 LAUGHTER 142 00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:44,760 If your normal amount of... You know, you have money, 143 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:47,960 you have a debit card, occasionally you do go on eBay. 144 00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:49,360 You're drunk. 145 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:52,000 You think, "I don't have any roller-skates." 146 00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:54,680 You buy them, you forget about it. 147 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:58,600 Next Wednesday, the postman comes, "Oh, my gosh, who got me these?" 148 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:01,120 Um... LAUGHTER 149 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,200 But it would be good if you bought that, right? 150 00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:05,360 And there was never any use for it, ever. Yeah. 151 00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:08,200 And then, like, some natural disaster happened 152 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:10,560 or something. Yeah. So, you go, "I've got..." And you go, 153 00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:12,200 "I've got the thing for the job." Yeah. 154 00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:14,240 "And everyone laughed at me when I bought it." Mm. 155 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:15,920 "And now who's laughing?" Yeah. 156 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:17,640 LAUGHTER 157 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:19,080 "Cos you can't use it..." No. 158 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:21,040 "..unless you give me loads of money." 159 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:23,920 Oh. A similar thing happened to me at an auction... OK. 160 00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:28,960 ..which is that I bought a painting of a cat that was dressed 161 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:33,080 in human clothes, and it was £50. 162 00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:37,120 And at the auction, I expected everyone to go, 163 00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:40,680 "Oh," you know, and for it to go up to hundreds of pounds. 164 00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:43,720 But it was... I think it was...started at 50 or something. 165 00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:45,760 And I went like that, and the auctioneer went, 166 00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:47,720 "Thank God that's gone. It gives me the creeps." 167 00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:50,080 SANDI GASPS Oh. Oh, unkind. 168 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:53,360 And then everyone else laughed at me. But who's laughing now? 169 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:55,640 Yeah. Cos it's in my living room. 170 00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:57,480 LAUGHTER 171 00:07:57,480 --> 00:08:00,560 And there will be a natural disaster involving cats, and I'll have... 172 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:03,240 Yeah. You'll have the very thing. 173 00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:04,320 ..the thing. 174 00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:08,160 You're laughing now, but, you know, something's going to happen. 175 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:09,880 I know what it's going to be. Yeah? Yeah? 176 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:12,400 I think it's going to be, like, the cat revolution... Yeah? 177 00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:15,400 ..when they finally make human beings subservient to them. 178 00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:17,840 That's exactly... And you'll be the only one they forgive 179 00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:21,120 cos they'll go, "She was respectful." 180 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:25,120 They'll come into my house to arrest me. Right. 181 00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:26,960 And... The cats? Yeah, the cats. 182 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,960 And they'll be wearing human clothes by then. 183 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,400 They'll be standing up, going... 184 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:32,920 Do you want to make some notes for your novel, darling. 185 00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:35,320 Sara will come in in a tunnelling machine. 186 00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:39,080 I'm really worried about this, because all I've got 187 00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:41,560 is a bumper sticker that says, "So many cats, so few recipes." 188 00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:44,880 And I just think... LAUGHTER 189 00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:48,440 You are not long for this world. After the glorious revolution... 190 00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:50,800 Meow! 191 00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:53,000 It's a terrible thing, though, buying at auction. 192 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,360 I was at Epsom Racecourse once, and I was asked if I would 193 00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:56,640 auction off a racehorse. 194 00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:58,600 And they used to do it in guineas, apparently. 195 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:00,960 So, I said, "Go on, who'll start me off at 1,000 guineas?" 196 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:03,680 And nobody moved. And I said, "I'll start us off at 1,000 guineas." 197 00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:06,040 I was the last person that bid. Oh, no! 198 00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:07,360 And I've come in the sports car. 199 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:10,240 I have no idea how I'm going to get it home. 200 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:12,440 Did you actually have to take the racehorse? 201 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:15,280 No, very nicely, the man who sold it to me bought it back. 202 00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:17,440 Sorry, guinea...? Not guinea pigs? 203 00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:18,800 Guineas. 204 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:21,280 LAUGHTER 205 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:23,400 APPLAUSE 206 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:25,920 I actually think 1,000 guinea pigs is a really good... 207 00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:28,360 It's a good buy, isn't it? It's a good buy. That's a good... 208 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:31,120 For one horse?! Yeah. I feel... That's a lot of guinea pigs. 209 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,760 I think that's too many guinea pigs for one horse. For one horse? 210 00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:36,160 I think you should get two horses. Two horses for 1,000.... 211 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:38,200 I can't believe we're having this conversation. 212 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,920 But when there's a guinea pig revolution... Guinea pig revolution. 213 00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:42,920 Bridget? Yes. Enough now. 214 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:48,640 What's as long as a telephone pole, and comes out of a person? 215 00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:50,840 Oh, I know this guy. 216 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:56,960 It's not true. No. 217 00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:59,160 It's just what he puts in his bio. 218 00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:03,600 I think it's got to be something communicated, hasn't it? 219 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:05,640 OK, it is to do with sound, certainly. 220 00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:07,760 Maybe this will help you. Have a listen to this. 221 00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:09,600 TUBA PLAYS A MELODY 222 00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:15,640 That's a tuba. It is a tuba. 223 00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:16,800 It is Tubby the Tuba. 224 00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,640 As long as a telephone pole - 225 00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:22,640 that's how far you can make air travel through an ordinary tuba. 226 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:25,040 So, if you press on the valves in trumpets and tubas, 227 00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:27,920 it effectively makes the instrument longer. 228 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:31,600 If you press down on the valves, then your breath travels a distance 229 00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:35,280 of just over 30 feet, which is an average telephone pole 230 00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:39,800 or a London bus, or three-quarters of the height of a brachiosaurus, 231 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:42,040 if that's how you measure things. 232 00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:43,800 Can you tell us in guinea pigs? 233 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:45,160 Yeah. 234 00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:48,400 The air will take even longer if you are playing 235 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:50,560 the subcontrabass tuba. 236 00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:52,000 This is an incredible thing. 237 00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,120 It is a seven-foot-tall tuba. 238 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:57,920 It usually takes two, sometimes three, people to play it. 239 00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:00,000 There's only four that remain today. 240 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:02,080 The one that is playable is at Harvard University. 241 00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:03,360 Look at that thing. Wow. 242 00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:05,600 Nobody's really sure, originally, where it came from. 243 00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:07,600 Maybe somebody was trying to stand out by having 244 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,400 a seven-foot tuba. That would do it. 245 00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:11,600 That would certainly do it. LAUGHTER 246 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:15,240 There's been a spate of tuba thefts in the US in the past 20 years. 247 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:18,000 Smuggled, we believe, over the Mexican border. 248 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,120 Can you have a 20-year spate? 249 00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:25,840 Oh, I think if you measure things as brachiosauruses, then probably. 250 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:30,520 There's been a spate of Christianity over the last 2,000 years. 251 00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:34,680 Why are they worth so much in Mexico? 252 00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:36,720 There's a kind of music called Banda. 253 00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:38,120 It's a genre of Mexican music. 254 00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:41,520 It dates from the mid-1800s and it's fantastically popular. 255 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:46,520 I don't like watching people blowing things because a lot of... 256 00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:50,680 No, because a lot of people aren't really, really fit. Right. 257 00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:53,160 And you're just thinking, "I think they're going to die." 258 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:56,240 OK. Do you want to see a clip of somebody playing? 259 00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:58,440 No, because I bet they're going all red... 260 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,800 I tell you what - you shut your eyes and I'll let you know 261 00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:03,520 if they're going red. If they look fit, like they run or something. 262 00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:05,240 OK, here we go. Let's have a quick look. 263 00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:07,280 TUBA PLAYS 264 00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:21,600 You'd worry if you were next door. LAUGHTER 265 00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:25,840 What's going on? 266 00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:28,360 I mean, I think he was enjoying that more than anyone else. 267 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:29,480 I think that's fair. 268 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:32,080 But if you...say you were playing Wigmore Hall, and you had to go 269 00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:35,280 on the Tube, you'd rather have a cow with you, wouldn't you, than...? 270 00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:36,720 Quick supplementary question. 271 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:39,200 Do you think the world's longest tuba is taller 272 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,960 than the world's tallest tuber? 273 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,720 No. 274 00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:46,240 Which do you think is taller? The tuba or the tuber? 275 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:49,000 Tuber. The tuber is absolutely right. 276 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,520 The tallest one was a cassava harvested in Nigeria. 277 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:52,760 Did you know this? Yes. 278 00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:54,280 No. 279 00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:58,680 No. You did not know this. I am deeply... 280 00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:00,440 You'd have mentioned it before. 281 00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:02,880 You would have said, "What about that cassava?" 282 00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:04,400 I know this guy. 283 00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:07,600 How dare you? 284 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,480 The veg wins - 2.46 metres, 285 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:14,600 whilst the Harvard contrabass is 2.13 metres tall. It's amazing. 286 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:17,080 And the other thing that was originally a type of trombone 287 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:19,560 was the bazooka, which is a kind of weapon. 288 00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:22,280 There was a radio comedian called Rob Burns in the United States. 289 00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:24,560 He invented it in 1905 as a child. 290 00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:26,360 A sort of... So, comedians can do anything. 291 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:28,000 I know. Exactly right. 292 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:31,080 And there he is. And it was a brass instrument with a lip reed 293 00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:32,680 and a sliding tube, like a trombone. 294 00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:35,560 So, when the Americans started using portable rocket-launchers 295 00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:38,240 in World War II, they called them bazookas because it looked a bit 296 00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:41,120 like Robbie Burns's original home-made instrument. 297 00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:43,440 And then who are these chicks? The Bazooka Bitches? 298 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:46,600 They are the Bazooka Bitches. 299 00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:49,840 The guy on the end with the hat and the woman at the front, 300 00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:53,320 there's been an...there's been a situation here. Oh, has there? OK. 301 00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:58,120 He's gone, you know, "The safety catch is..." whatever, 302 00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:02,000 and she's gone, "Don't tell me how to use a..." Bazooka? 303 00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:04,960 "What I could tell you. 304 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:07,880 "Just keep it... All right?" 305 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:09,680 Yeah. 306 00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:11,480 "I know what you're doing." 307 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:14,320 And he doesn't like it because he's been emasculated 308 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:17,040 in front of all those boys. 309 00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:18,560 And he's very cross. 310 00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:21,680 Again, Sara, I'd write that down as a long story 311 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:23,680 you could possibly turn into a novel. 312 00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:26,680 I'm more interested in this woman behind her. 313 00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:29,160 I think... She's... Like a wedding. 314 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,040 Like, "I'm never going to get married. 315 00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:34,000 "Do you want to hold the end of my bazooka? 316 00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:35,560 "Just walk behind me." 317 00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:40,320 So, now that you've boned up on your brass instruments, 318 00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:44,400 who slept on lion skins and could play two trumpets at once? 319 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:45,880 Is it going to be Ancient Greek? 320 00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:47,160 It IS ancient Greek! 321 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:48,600 Oh, I thought it might be. Yes. 322 00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:50,880 Where might it be in Ancient Greece? 323 00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:52,120 Jazz Club. 324 00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:59,440 The ancient Olympic Games featured competitive trumpet-blowing, 325 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:01,040 and the undisputed champion 326 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:03,760 was a man called Herodorus of Megara, 327 00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:08,200 and he won ten titles from 328 to 292 BC. 328 00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:09,680 He could play two trumpets at once. 329 00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:11,680 He slept only on lion skin. 330 00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:14,960 And the lions weren't in them, presumably. No, no, no. 331 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:17,040 No. They're shivering in the corner. 332 00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:19,240 "Oh." 333 00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:21,880 He was quite the guy. 334 00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,760 He ate about eight loaves of bread every day, nine kilos of meat 335 00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:26,400 and six litres of wine. 336 00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,920 Six litres of wine a day? Six litres of wine. 337 00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:31,680 And then he could play the trumpet out of two... 338 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:34,080 Doesn't say he could play it well. Doesn't say that. 339 00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:36,680 Do you think the Ancient Greeks, when they wrote things down, 340 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:38,280 they just wrote it down wrong? 341 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:39,560 Yeah. If anyone... 342 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:42,040 Because he clearly hasn't had all that, has he? No. 343 00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:44,600 It's bollocks. 344 00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:47,560 I think what they found there is his shopping list. 345 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:58,840 There's another marvellous trumpeter from history called John Blanke. 346 00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:02,080 He's the only identifiable black British Tudor, 347 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:03,480 of whom we have a picture. 348 00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:06,200 So this is on the Westminster Tournament Roll 1511. 349 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:09,200 He trumpeted in Henry VII's and Henry VIII's courts. 350 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:12,200 Probably, he came to England as one of the African attendants 351 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:14,960 of Catherine of Aragon when she first arrived in 1501, 352 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:16,640 in fact, to marry Henry VIII's brother. 353 00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:21,400 Now, what peaceful use can you think of for a torpedo? 354 00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:24,520 That's a massive torpedo being loaded onto a ship in 1943 355 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:26,120 by the women's Royal Navy Service. 356 00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:28,680 God, I thought that was me, second from left. 357 00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:30,880 LAUGHTER 358 00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:34,480 That does look very like you. 359 00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:36,440 I thought, "Have they done one of those things?" 360 00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:39,040 They do that on this show sometimes. They Photoshop me in. 361 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:41,080 Usually... 362 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:43,200 ..usually, it's a female from the past. 363 00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:45,120 And that's what they've done. 364 00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:48,800 We're looking for a peaceful use. Fill it with flowers. Fill it... 365 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:53,000 Where does "torpedo" get its name from? 366 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:54,800 It's a town in Spain. 367 00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:56,840 No, that's Toledo. I had... 368 00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:02,120 My little godson, when he was six, 369 00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:04,000 told me he was playing a video game, 370 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:06,240 one of those ones online, with other children. 371 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:10,200 And he said, I have to name my animal, and it's a shark. 372 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:11,960 And it goes really fast. 373 00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:14,480 So, I called him shark-pedo. 374 00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:20,560 And the game banned it, and I wasn't allowed. 375 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:23,520 And I said, "I can sort of see why." Yeah. 376 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,520 And he said, "I think it's cos it's got a rude word in it. 377 00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:29,200 " 'Pee'. " AUDIENCE: Aw! 378 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:30,840 "Torpedo torpedo" - 379 00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:34,160 scientific name for something that is not a bomb. 380 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:37,120 Oh. Torpedo torpedo? What...? Torpedo torpedo. 381 00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:41,320 So, this is an electric ray found in the Mediterranean. 382 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:42,600 There it is. 383 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:45,880 There was a first-century Greek physician called Dioscorides, 384 00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:50,800 and he recommended applying a live one of these electric rays 385 00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:53,120 up the seat to cure haemorrhoids. 386 00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:58,080 The thing is, if they haven't gone away for ages, 387 00:17:58,080 --> 00:17:59,720 you will try anything. Yeah. 388 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:03,480 Well, weird... 389 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,680 I've heard. Are you sitting comfortably? 390 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:12,120 One of the few ancient remedies that actually worked. 391 00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:14,000 Was it? It did actually work. Did it? Yes. 392 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,160 Electrotherapy is still used today to treat, well, 393 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:17,560 less severe haemorrhoids. 394 00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:19,800 Although, can I just say, the electricity is no longer 395 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:21,120 administered by a fish? 396 00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:22,480 That's not... 397 00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:24,440 Less severe? You could use a toaster. 398 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:26,080 Yeah, you could use a toaster. Yeah. 399 00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:27,840 Hair-straighteners. Yeah. GROANING 400 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:30,040 I think hair-straighteners is better than a toaster. 401 00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:31,800 Oh, you didn't like that one, did you? 402 00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:34,000 That's an image you can take home with you. 403 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:36,240 "Are they hot enough yet?" "Yes!" 404 00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:42,680 It's so fascinating to think about the back story 405 00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:45,280 to that discovery, and the person who just happened 406 00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:48,320 to be mucking around... Yeah. ..with a fish and go, 407 00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:50,600 "Oh, my haemorrhoids have cleared up." 408 00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:52,640 Well... Dressing-gown fell open. 409 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:55,240 They would have known that the ray had a painkilling effect. 410 00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:57,840 So...so torpedo comes from the Latin to numb, "torpor". 411 00:18:57,840 --> 00:18:59,560 But the torpedo, as in the weapon, 412 00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:01,560 gets its name from the Napoleonic Wars, 413 00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:04,040 was named after the fish, which incapacitates its enemies 414 00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:05,400 when it touches them. 415 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:08,400 There was a thing called a coffin torpedo in the 19th century. 416 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:09,960 It was to stop body-snatching. 417 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,320 They made coffins that operate like shotguns. 418 00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:16,280 And if you lifted the lid, it fired, shot into the air. 419 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,400 Unfortunately, not all that successful. 420 00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:19,600 So there was one review. 421 00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:23,320 There was an Ohio grave torpedo, and it was tested on a mule. 422 00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:26,760 And they reported, "He lifted up one foot when the explosion occurred, 423 00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:29,040 "but never stopped munching fodder." 424 00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:31,600 So, he was like, "Meh," and carried on. 425 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:34,720 Mm. They should shoot the body out at the person. 426 00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:37,840 That's much scarier. Yeah. 427 00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:40,320 But if you're a body-snatcher, you might just catch it, then. 428 00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:43,040 If the body... Yeah, but then you're a body-catcher. 429 00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:48,440 It's a whole new career. APPLAUSE 430 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,520 Now to those tubes below the torso. 431 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:55,840 What's so terrible about trousers? 432 00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:58,200 They say they're a size 14. They're definitely not. 433 00:19:58,200 --> 00:19:59,840 They're never a size 14. 434 00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:03,720 I have trousers that are a size 12, 14, 16, 18 and 20. 435 00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:05,000 All of them fit me. 436 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,960 And I don't understand why the designers can't get together 437 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:11,000 and just make a plan and then decide on that. 438 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,480 Because I've had enough. 439 00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:14,720 And the women in this audience have had enough. 440 00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:17,080 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 441 00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:22,440 I ordered a Christmas dress, 442 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:25,720 and it came and it was that wide. 443 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:27,360 And I said, "Oh, I'm sorry. 444 00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:30,160 "I ordered a medium and it's that big." 445 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:33,600 And they said, "Well, that's what size it is." 446 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:35,280 And I said, "Yeah, but it's too big." 447 00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:39,000 And they said, "Well, it will fit someone." 448 00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:44,800 But you can argue with that. That is true. 449 00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:47,040 And I said, "Yes, but it doesn't work like that. 450 00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:48,640 "Clothes have sizes. 451 00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:50,400 "You can't just make it one size." 452 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:53,120 And they said, "Well, we do. 453 00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:56,640 "And then we send them out. And just give it to someone 454 00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:58,400 "if you don't want it." 455 00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,240 No. And that's how they operated. 456 00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:03,000 That is going to ruin Christmas when someone opens it, and you go, 457 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:05,480 "Yeah, yeah, I was far too thin for that. Please..." 458 00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:08,040 LAUGHTER "Please enjoy." 459 00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:10,280 But what's so terrible about trousers, historically? 460 00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:12,120 Well, we couldn't wear them for a long time. 461 00:21:12,120 --> 00:21:14,000 You could be arrested for wearing trousers. 462 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:17,440 It was illegal for women to wear trousers in about 40 cities 463 00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:19,320 in the United States. People were arrested. 464 00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:21,240 They were charged with impersonating a man. 465 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:23,760 Right up until... 466 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,360 Why would you want to? 467 00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:29,080 Right up until 1923, when the Federal Government 468 00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:31,360 overrode the laws and made it allowable. 469 00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:34,480 Before that, even when serving in the army or mountain climbing, 470 00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:37,240 for example, women had to wear heavy woollen skirts. 471 00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:39,320 Also in Europe, Henriette d'Angeville, 472 00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:43,240 she claimed to be the very first woman to climb Mont Blanc in 1838, 473 00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:44,960 and she did so dressed like that. 474 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:48,720 Is it cheating to use a ladder to climb a mountain? 475 00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:51,480 They've deliberately taken her a tricky route, haven't they? 476 00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:56,360 Yeah. "You go first, love. We'll come..." 477 00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:58,960 "This is the only way we could do it." 478 00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:03,040 "And why is there a...?" "Could I not have the plank?" 479 00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:04,920 "No, it has to be a ladder." 480 00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:08,680 And it looks like she's going to go along there, 481 00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:10,520 over the next ladder... Yeah. 482 00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:12,840 ..and then just bring her back round again. 483 00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:18,600 "Isn't this the ladder we went over before." 484 00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:20,160 "No, no, you keep going. 485 00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:21,960 "You're doing very well." 486 00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:25,720 It's like a sort of Escher drawing, isn't it? 487 00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:27,360 Going round and round and round. 488 00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:31,120 The first woman to controversially climb Matterhorn in trousers, 1895, 489 00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:32,440 was Annie Smith Peck. 490 00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:34,640 And if you don't know her, she is just incredible. 491 00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:36,080 She once climbed a mountain 492 00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:38,720 and hung a "Votes for Women" banner at the top when she got there. 493 00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:40,680 But there were no other women up there... 494 00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:43,080 LAUGHTER ..to appreciate her sign. 495 00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:46,680 I don't think it was women who needed the message, darling. 496 00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:50,200 Same trouble with hats that you've got with your trousers. 497 00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:56,480 DEBORAH: It's true. She's ordered that online. Yeah. 498 00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:58,280 They said that was a large. It's for a... 499 00:22:58,280 --> 00:22:59,680 It's a three-year-old's hat. 500 00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:02,480 No, no, it looks good. It looks good. It'll fit someone. 501 00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:08,600 But if you were a woman in Paris, for example, 1800 to 2013, 502 00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:12,080 you had to have a special permit, "permission de travestissement", 503 00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:13,720 to wear trousers. So, for example, 504 00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:16,600 this is the permission that was given to the great artist 505 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:17,920 Rosa Bonheur. 506 00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:20,720 Rosa Bonheur is very famous for painting farm animals and so on, 507 00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:22,840 and in order to do so, she wanted to wear trousers 508 00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:24,240 for these agricultural scenes, 509 00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:26,440 but she had to get permission to do so. 510 00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:27,920 Did you say till 2013? 511 00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:30,160 February 2013, it was finally overturned. 512 00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:32,880 I can't say it was constantly enforced. 513 00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:35,840 I...I'm sure I went to Paris in trousers before 2013... 514 00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:38,520 No, it wasn't... ..but I didn't know I was dicing with the law. 515 00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:42,800 No. They did amend it slightly, once in 1892 and once in 1909, 516 00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:45,520 and women were allowed to wear trousers without a permit 517 00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:50,680 if they were holding the bicycle handlebars or the reins of a horse. 518 00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:54,680 There was a rule that forbade women from wearing trousers on the floor 519 00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:55,960 of the US Senate. 520 00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:57,680 That wasn't revoked until 1993. 521 00:23:57,680 --> 00:23:59,160 When I was a law student, 522 00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:01,440 you were not allowed to wear trousers as a woman 523 00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:02,960 if you were in the Inns of Court. 524 00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:05,440 And there was a wonderful story about a woman who went to do one 525 00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:07,480 of these compulsory dinners in the Inns of Court. 526 00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:09,600 She was wearing trousers, and the clerk said to her, 527 00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:11,640 "Madam, you can't come in here wearing those." 528 00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:14,120 So she took them off and gave them to him. Oh. 529 00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:16,840 But there's other times in history it was not wearing trousers 530 00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:18,400 that could get you into trouble. 531 00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:20,960 So, in the Hebridean Island of Seil, 532 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:22,880 there's a pub called Tigh na Truish, 533 00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:24,880 and it translates as "the house of trousers". 534 00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:26,480 Look at that. It looks fantastic. 535 00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:28,000 See that bridge? 536 00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:29,480 That's the bridge to the mainland. 537 00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:31,200 It's called the Bridge over the Atlantic. 538 00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:33,880 And the British government in the Jacobite rebellion, so 1745, 539 00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:36,960 they banned the wearing of tartan and the kilt. 540 00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:38,760 And so, if you broke those laws, 541 00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:40,760 you could face transportation to Australia. 542 00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:43,320 Can you imagine, darling? I mean... I know. 543 00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:44,600 It'd be horrendous. 544 00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:47,120 If the locals were heading over the bridge to the mainland, 545 00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:50,000 where the authorities might see them in a kilt, they'd pop to the pub 546 00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:52,120 and change out of their kilts and into trousers. 547 00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:54,320 And there are still hooks where you can make the change 548 00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:55,960 if you want to in the pub. 549 00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:58,320 Right, how comfortable would it be 550 00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:02,640 to snuggle up under a blanket octopus? 551 00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:07,920 I'm going to say not very comfortable if you're a female 552 00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:13,320 blanket octopus, because the male blanket octopus dies after mating 553 00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:15,520 and won't cuddle. 554 00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:18,520 When I was a nanny, I had to take children to the London Zoo. 555 00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:23,440 And I remember them saying this, that after the octopuses mated... 556 00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:25,800 Yeah. ..the man would die. Right. 557 00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:28,280 And... Or claim he'd died. LAUGHTER 558 00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:30,840 I mean, they say they die. Maybe they just change their number. 559 00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:32,760 I don't know. 560 00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:35,040 I've died! 561 00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:37,800 The woman then starves herself to death... 562 00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:41,600 Right. Yeah. ..because she doesn't want to leave them 563 00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:43,840 to go and get food for herself. 564 00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:47,880 I remember this because I remember the children I nannied for saying, 565 00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:49,280 "What's mating?" 566 00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:52,160 I'm going to say yes, it would be comfortable under a blanket octopus. 567 00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:54,320 But the thing is, she wouldn't even notice the male. 568 00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:57,120 That's the truth of it. They have extreme sexual dimorphism. 569 00:25:57,120 --> 00:26:00,000 Oh. A massive difference between the females and the males. 570 00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:02,640 The female can grow to about two metres. 571 00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:04,920 Can you spot the male in the picture? 572 00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:06,520 Oh. Ooh. 573 00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:08,600 What he's there? Like the Tinder Swindler? 574 00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:10,800 Is that him at the back? That dot? 575 00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:14,440 Oh, the little dot, is he? That little dot is the male. 576 00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:16,800 What coming in behind? 577 00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:20,840 Just a little dot. 578 00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:23,880 So, I think if he died, you wouldn't give a rat's arse, frankly. 579 00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:27,320 Is he swimming along, thinking, "Phwoar"? 580 00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:30,240 That little tiny dot is the man? "She's enormous!" 581 00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:35,400 He's basically sort of a sperm sac, frankly. Yeah. 582 00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:41,200 So, if Alan and I matched our height to a blanket octopus's proportions, 583 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,400 Alan would be roughly the length of the thumbnail, 584 00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:48,640 and...or I would be the height of the Gherkin skyscraper in London. 585 00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,680 And THAT is a novel. 586 00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:57,040 APPLAUSE Well played, we've found it. 587 00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:58,640 We've got it. 588 00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:00,200 I mean, they are... 589 00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:03,720 Yeah, the women are... They're badass, they're really badass. 590 00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:07,000 They are immune to the stings of the Portuguese man-of-war. 591 00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:10,680 So, when one floats by, they sometimes rip off its tentacles 592 00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:12,760 to wield as defensive weapons. 593 00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:15,760 Speaking of octopuses, what's unusual 594 00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:19,040 about the seven-armed octopus? 595 00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:20,440 They can't get trousers to fit. 596 00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:24,680 It's got seven arms. 597 00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:26,360 KLAXON 598 00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:29,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 599 00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:34,600 Game's getting harder, if anything. Isn't it? 600 00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:36,760 Ten arms? No, not seven. Not ten. 601 00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:38,640 There is one with ten, though, isn't there? 602 00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:41,120 Or there used to be one with ten. They found it the other day. 603 00:27:41,120 --> 00:27:42,840 It was a fossil. 604 00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:46,760 Was it? I mean, it was something like 300 million years old. 605 00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:48,720 It's actually named after Joe Biden. 606 00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:50,440 The ten-armed... Is it? Yes, it is. 607 00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:51,840 It's nearly as old. 608 00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:57,120 So, the seven-armed octopuses, so-called because the male looks 609 00:27:57,120 --> 00:27:59,240 as though it only has seven tentacles, but in fact, 610 00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:00,640 it does have eight. 611 00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:02,760 So, the eighth one, the one on the left there 612 00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:04,600 is that it's coiled up in a sort of sac 613 00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:06,760 beneath its right eye for most of the time. 614 00:28:06,760 --> 00:28:10,720 And then it has a specialised arm called a hectocotylus. 615 00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:12,440 Technical word for...? Penis? 616 00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:15,400 Yes, it's basically a removable penis. 617 00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:19,320 So, it uncoils and detaches during mating to deliver the sperm, 618 00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:20,680 and then it regenerates. 619 00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:21,960 That's very civilised. 620 00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:24,480 I think the new Doctor Who should do that. 621 00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:30,400 Every time they change actors, that would be... 622 00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:34,880 So, do octopuses have tentacles? 623 00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:36,520 Is that correct? 624 00:28:36,520 --> 00:28:38,400 The way you've said it makes us think no. 625 00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:40,120 Yeah. No, it has suckers all the way up. 626 00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:41,960 Tentacles are when you just have the sucker 627 00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:44,560 on the sort of pad-like end of the thing. 628 00:28:44,560 --> 00:28:46,960 So, Portuguese man-of-war have tentacles. 629 00:28:46,960 --> 00:28:49,040 You do find tentacles on some carnivorous plants. 630 00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:52,560 There's an amazing plant called the pimpernel sundew, 631 00:28:52,560 --> 00:28:54,480 and it has two types of tentacles. 632 00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:58,840 So, insects walking near the plant can trigger a touch-sensitive, 633 00:28:58,840 --> 00:29:00,800 sort of lightning-fast snap tentacle, 634 00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:03,520 which catapults the prey into glue tentacles 635 00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:06,480 that then slowly draw it to death. 636 00:29:06,480 --> 00:29:09,320 Can I say something about glue? 637 00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:11,960 An... 638 00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:14,560 ..when an aphid has had her young... 639 00:29:14,560 --> 00:29:20,200 Yeah? ..she turns herself into a blob of glue... Right? 640 00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:22,920 ..in front of them, so that when predators come, 641 00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:24,120 they just stick to her. 642 00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:27,200 Oh, my God. Can you imagine how traumatising for the children? 643 00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:29,840 But isn't nature amazing? Yeah, that is an embarrassing parent. 644 00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:31,600 Yeah. 645 00:29:31,600 --> 00:29:33,400 I... "By the way, my mum's come to pick me up. 646 00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:35,560 "She's a big blob of glue." 647 00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:39,320 I live in quite a high-crime area. 648 00:29:39,320 --> 00:29:43,080 Oh, right. So, I was thinking of doing that on my front step. 649 00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:45,360 Do you remember that story about Beefeaters 650 00:29:45,360 --> 00:29:47,840 who live in the Tower of London, couldn't get home insurance 651 00:29:47,840 --> 00:29:50,520 because, strictly speaking, they live in Tower Hamlets, 652 00:29:50,520 --> 00:29:52,240 and they haven't got window locks? 653 00:29:53,600 --> 00:29:57,200 But couldn't they say, "But we don't need window locks because we've got 654 00:29:57,200 --> 00:29:58,560 "men at the gates with spears?" 655 00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:01,320 Darling, have you tried to fill in a form with an insurance company? 656 00:30:02,600 --> 00:30:05,040 So, the very best use for a tentacle 657 00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:07,920 comes from the Octopus for a Preemie community. 658 00:30:07,920 --> 00:30:11,080 Look next to you, and you will find... Oh! 659 00:30:11,080 --> 00:30:14,320 ..little tiny octopuses. For little babies? Little octo-pals. 660 00:30:14,320 --> 00:30:17,440 Oh. Mine's only got six legs. 661 00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:20,880 I don't want to make a fuss, but that's two short. 662 00:30:22,520 --> 00:30:24,960 Why might you give this to a premature baby? 663 00:30:24,960 --> 00:30:27,400 Oh. A premature baby? 664 00:30:27,400 --> 00:30:29,360 Yeah, the preemies, yeah. The preemies. 665 00:30:29,360 --> 00:30:31,360 Tiny hands? Is it to cover their wires? 666 00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:33,040 Well, sort of. 667 00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:34,440 So, it's the sweetest thing. 668 00:30:34,440 --> 00:30:37,480 Volunteers crochet and knit these... LAUGHTER 669 00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:40,440 I don't think that's what the babies are doing. 670 00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:42,080 They're not? I don't think it's that. 671 00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:43,880 Sandi, can I say something? Yes, darling. 672 00:30:43,880 --> 00:30:45,520 When my premature baby was born, 673 00:30:45,520 --> 00:30:49,320 they did something weird with her umbilical cord, 674 00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:51,560 and I was like, "Oh, my God, what are you doing?" 675 00:30:51,560 --> 00:30:54,400 And the consultant said, "It's OK. 676 00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:58,000 "You could swing a baby around by its umbilical cord, 677 00:30:58,000 --> 00:30:59,280 "and it would be fine." 678 00:30:59,280 --> 00:31:01,440 And we're going to try that now. 679 00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:05,840 So, babies hold on to the umbilical cord for comfort. 680 00:31:05,840 --> 00:31:09,400 Oh, do they? So when a baby is born, the tentacles mimic the cord 681 00:31:09,400 --> 00:31:12,360 for the baby, and they soothe them in the neo-natal units. 682 00:31:12,360 --> 00:31:15,440 And it also stops them tugging on the tubes in the intensive care. 683 00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:17,480 Oh, my... And can I say, anybody can get involved. 684 00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:20,160 You can knit these for the charity. Branch out. I don't know. Yeah. 685 00:31:20,160 --> 00:31:22,280 You could also do a jellyfish or aliens or whatever. 686 00:31:22,280 --> 00:31:24,080 The important things are the tentacles. 687 00:31:24,080 --> 00:31:26,160 And so, what we're going to do is we're going to give 688 00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:28,720 all your octopuses a jolly good wash and donate them to charity 689 00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:30,280 after today's episode. 690 00:31:30,280 --> 00:31:34,280 Why might Victorian women have actually had a lot of fun 691 00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:36,320 on their period? 692 00:31:36,320 --> 00:31:38,680 They used to free-bleed on the Northern line? 693 00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:42,920 Is it because, before there was ibuprofen, 694 00:31:42,920 --> 00:31:44,520 there was laudanum? 695 00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:47,480 You're heading in the right direction. Would it...? 696 00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:48,960 It's drug-related. 697 00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:50,640 They thought we were mad, didn't they? 698 00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:54,840 When you say "they thought", what you mean is, "they noticed". 699 00:31:56,360 --> 00:31:58,480 I think I know this because I think I had an expert 700 00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:03,600 on The Guilty Feminist podcast tell me that they used to dip 701 00:32:03,600 --> 00:32:07,200 their tampons in the same sort of white powder 702 00:32:07,200 --> 00:32:10,200 that sometimes stockbrokers use to make themselves overly confident. 703 00:32:11,440 --> 00:32:14,600 And that's why you get the stereotype that women talk a lot 704 00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:16,080 when they're on their period. 705 00:32:16,080 --> 00:32:19,240 They invented the cocaine tampon. Yes. Absolutely right. Did they? 706 00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:22,040 Absolutely right. APPLAUSE 707 00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:26,840 Can I say, not always cocaine, sometimes opium? 708 00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:28,920 Don't want to muck about. 709 00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:30,080 It wasn't just for women. 710 00:32:30,080 --> 00:32:32,400 So, cocaine tampons were used for both sexes. 711 00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:34,000 For painful haemorrhoids. 712 00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:35,160 Perfect. Yes. 713 00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:40,280 Any haemorrhoids - they don't have to be painful. 714 00:32:40,280 --> 00:32:45,800 In the war, they used tampons to plug wounds. 715 00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:48,680 And then I think a woman who was working in a hospital went, 716 00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:51,200 "Do you know what else that would be useful for?" Yeah. 717 00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:53,760 Soaking tampons, or the equivalent, in opium, that dates back 718 00:32:53,760 --> 00:32:55,000 to Ancient Rome. 719 00:32:55,000 --> 00:32:57,280 But Pond's Tampons, which was a 19th-century product, 720 00:32:57,280 --> 00:32:59,440 they were laced with opiates and deadly nightshade. 721 00:32:59,440 --> 00:33:01,480 You can still get a sort of version of it. 722 00:33:01,480 --> 00:33:03,160 There's something called a B&O - 723 00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:05,200 so Belladonna and Opium suppository. 724 00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:08,840 And they're sometimes prescribed as muscle relaxants after surgery. 725 00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:11,440 Sounds heaven. Mm. 726 00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:14,000 People at my university used to do it with vodka. 727 00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:17,760 What? Soak it in...? Tampons and put it up the bum. 728 00:33:20,480 --> 00:33:22,920 OK, I'm just going to do a thing with the audience. 729 00:33:22,920 --> 00:33:25,520 I'm going to count to three, and we're all going to say, "Why?" 730 00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:27,040 So, here we go. One, two, three... 731 00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:28,400 ALL: Why? 732 00:33:28,400 --> 00:33:30,760 The theory was that you absorb things, 733 00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:33,360 things get into your bloodstream quicker. Oh. 734 00:33:33,360 --> 00:33:35,240 So, there was a film, Kevin And Perry, 735 00:33:35,240 --> 00:33:38,120 where they were doing vodka in their eyes for that reason. 736 00:33:38,120 --> 00:33:40,640 And I think the thinking was, "Where else can you put it?" 737 00:33:40,640 --> 00:33:43,480 Just, um... 738 00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:46,120 Where's the most dangerous place for a toilet? 739 00:33:46,120 --> 00:33:49,280 Oh, just slightly further than where you thought it was. 740 00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:55,520 A bit more along. 741 00:33:58,840 --> 00:34:00,800 So, we're talking about one particular day. 742 00:34:00,800 --> 00:34:02,560 Oh, a day? It's not a dangerous place? 743 00:34:02,560 --> 00:34:05,240 In 1900, there were very few ladies' toilets, 744 00:34:05,240 --> 00:34:08,320 and a lot of men thought it was a very bad idea for women 745 00:34:08,320 --> 00:34:09,680 to have a toilet at all. 746 00:34:09,680 --> 00:34:12,200 Men's toilets were ubiquitous, but ladies' toilets not so. 747 00:34:12,200 --> 00:34:14,600 They did exist, but far fewer. 748 00:34:14,600 --> 00:34:16,000 Now, this is a wonderful story. 749 00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:18,440 George Bernard Shaw, who was an incredible human being 750 00:34:18,440 --> 00:34:21,440 as well as an amazing playwright, he was working in local government 751 00:34:21,440 --> 00:34:24,040 in north London at the time, and he advocated for women's rights 752 00:34:24,040 --> 00:34:26,400 and pushed for a ladies' loo to be built in Camden, 753 00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:28,080 in north London, beside the men's. 754 00:34:28,080 --> 00:34:31,000 And there was lots of people who said it would lower property values 755 00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:32,560 and it would cause traffic problems. 756 00:34:32,560 --> 00:34:34,040 So, they built a wooden... 757 00:34:34,040 --> 00:34:35,480 This is absolutely true. 758 00:34:35,480 --> 00:34:37,560 So, they built a wooden mock-up of the toilet to see 759 00:34:37,560 --> 00:34:39,360 if there was a traffic risk. 760 00:34:39,360 --> 00:34:44,280 And in one day alone, it was hit by vehicles 45 times. 761 00:34:44,280 --> 00:34:48,040 And it was protesters trying to make a point. Wow. 762 00:34:48,040 --> 00:34:51,240 And Shaw accused the bus companies of taking bribes, and so on. 763 00:34:51,240 --> 00:34:54,120 And the company said, "No, no, no, it was all accidents." 764 00:34:54,120 --> 00:34:56,640 It took five years for the toilet to finally be built. 765 00:34:56,640 --> 00:35:00,320 And I have to say, there is still a ladies' loo in exactly that spot 766 00:35:00,320 --> 00:35:01,760 that George Bernard Shaw decided. 767 00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:04,000 I actually live in Camden, and can I tell you, 768 00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:06,440 it has not lowered house prices? OK. 769 00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:09,280 What were they thinking? 770 00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:11,360 It was a key component of the suffragette movement, 771 00:35:11,360 --> 00:35:12,760 was to get loos for the... 772 00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:14,720 But that's also why they didn't want them, 773 00:35:14,720 --> 00:35:17,440 is because it did restrict women so much, socially. 774 00:35:17,440 --> 00:35:20,400 Except if you were pregnant. If you were pregnant, a woman, 775 00:35:20,400 --> 00:35:22,160 you were allowed to wee anywhere. 776 00:35:22,160 --> 00:35:24,520 And the policeman had to give you his hat. 777 00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:27,040 That was the theory. 778 00:35:27,040 --> 00:35:29,880 But the hat-peeing law is a myth, unfortunately. Oh, was it? 779 00:35:29,880 --> 00:35:33,080 Yeah, the policeman thing. Well, I mean, the one that I... 780 00:35:33,080 --> 00:35:34,720 He didn't mind at all. 781 00:35:37,800 --> 00:35:40,960 Yeah. That wasn't actually a policeman, just got to say. 782 00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:44,440 No-one tell the policemen it's a myth. 783 00:35:44,440 --> 00:35:47,200 The first person to sort of do gender equality for toilets 784 00:35:47,200 --> 00:35:49,520 was the 15th-century mayor Dick Whittington. 785 00:35:49,520 --> 00:35:53,800 He actually had a 128-seat latrine for both men and women. 786 00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:55,280 And it used the Thames to flush away, 787 00:35:55,280 --> 00:35:58,000 but you used to sit with everybody. It wasn't like you had separate 788 00:35:58,000 --> 00:36:00,400 cubicles or anything. So, you all had to go at the same time. 789 00:36:00,400 --> 00:36:01,880 You all had to do exactly the same... 790 00:36:01,880 --> 00:36:04,320 Three, two, one. And then you all went. 791 00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:07,040 And now for the moment, when the whole show goes 792 00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:09,440 straight down the tubes - it's time for general ignorance. 793 00:36:09,440 --> 00:36:11,080 Fingers on buzzers, please. 794 00:36:11,080 --> 00:36:14,560 Name the animal with the longest neck for its torso. 795 00:36:14,560 --> 00:36:16,400 Ooh! For its torso. 796 00:36:16,400 --> 00:36:18,440 Ooh. Ooh. 797 00:36:18,440 --> 00:36:20,720 Longest neck for its... 798 00:36:20,720 --> 00:36:23,200 LAUGHTER It's like a gas leak. 799 00:36:25,120 --> 00:36:26,760 You've got to think about the neck, 800 00:36:26,760 --> 00:36:29,120 but you've also got to think about the torso. Torso. Yeah. 801 00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:30,920 Seahorse. Oh, good choice. Yeah. 802 00:36:30,920 --> 00:36:33,480 Good choice. Got a really long neck. Hardly any torso. 803 00:36:33,480 --> 00:36:36,000 Yeah, I should have said I'm talking about an extinct animal. 804 00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:38,040 It's probably one that you haven't even heard of. 805 00:36:38,040 --> 00:36:39,600 It's from the late Triassic period. 806 00:36:39,600 --> 00:36:40,920 Oh, is it a kind of eel? 807 00:36:40,920 --> 00:36:44,120 Cos you could actually argue that that's all neck and no torso. 808 00:36:44,120 --> 00:36:45,160 Yeah. Yeah. 809 00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:47,720 Or a snake. 810 00:36:47,720 --> 00:36:51,080 KLAXON Oh! Oh, God! 811 00:36:51,080 --> 00:36:53,280 APPLAUSE 812 00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:57,160 I'm furious! Furious. 813 00:36:57,160 --> 00:36:59,200 So, there's a thing called a Tanystropheus. 814 00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:02,120 It was a reptile 242 million years ago. 815 00:37:02,120 --> 00:37:05,520 You know, roughly. Can't tell you it was a Tuesday. It was a while ago. 816 00:37:05,520 --> 00:37:06,760 This is the reconstruction. 817 00:37:06,760 --> 00:37:08,200 When they first found the bones... 818 00:37:08,200 --> 00:37:09,960 So, the palaeontologists thought 819 00:37:09,960 --> 00:37:12,160 that all these small bones were a bit like the wings 820 00:37:12,160 --> 00:37:13,640 on a pterodactyl. 821 00:37:13,640 --> 00:37:17,320 And it was actually, they realised, lots of elongated neck bones, 822 00:37:17,320 --> 00:37:20,920 three times as long as the torso, 823 00:37:20,920 --> 00:37:23,480 made of about half of the length of the entire animal. 824 00:37:23,480 --> 00:37:25,280 So, you're talking about six metres long, 825 00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:27,120 maybe about the size of a large crocodile. 826 00:37:27,120 --> 00:37:28,720 The neck is six metres long? 827 00:37:28,720 --> 00:37:31,280 The whole thing is about six metres long, so...but half of it, 828 00:37:31,280 --> 00:37:33,760 three metres is the neck. Can it lift its head up? We don't... 829 00:37:33,760 --> 00:37:36,160 The thing is, we just... Little wheels under it. 830 00:37:36,160 --> 00:37:37,480 ..we just don't know. 831 00:37:37,480 --> 00:37:40,040 But a giraffe has the same number of neck vertebrae as a human, 832 00:37:40,040 --> 00:37:41,120 which is seven. 833 00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:43,520 This one had 13, OK? Ooh. 13 neck vertebrae. 834 00:37:43,520 --> 00:37:46,440 So, the giraffe's neck is amazing because it's really flexible. 835 00:37:46,440 --> 00:37:48,280 It can sort of bend and thwack with it. 836 00:37:48,280 --> 00:37:49,680 These were relatively stiff. 837 00:37:49,680 --> 00:37:51,200 Did it use it as a sort of periscope? 838 00:37:51,200 --> 00:37:53,560 Did it use it as a sort of fishing rod? Did it reach up? 839 00:37:53,560 --> 00:37:56,400 Do they think they found sort of bits of two, and they've actually 840 00:37:56,400 --> 00:37:58,360 made it a bit longer than it really...? Yeah. 841 00:37:58,360 --> 00:38:01,920 You know what we should do? Yeah. Knit these for premature babies. 842 00:38:01,920 --> 00:38:04,600 Yes. Because it's just like an umbilical cord. 843 00:38:04,600 --> 00:38:06,720 Yeah. With, like, a spooky end. 844 00:38:06,720 --> 00:38:08,160 But if it ate something on Tuesday, 845 00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:11,680 it wouldn't digest it till Wednesday. Yeah. 846 00:38:11,680 --> 00:38:15,280 The Tanystropheus had a lot of damn neck. That's all I'm saying. 847 00:38:15,280 --> 00:38:19,280 Which city has the most French-speaking people in it? 848 00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:22,520 Oh. Ooh. Very careful. 849 00:38:22,520 --> 00:38:25,080 Ooh, oh. Not Paris. 850 00:38:25,080 --> 00:38:27,240 I'm going to guess Quebec. 851 00:38:27,240 --> 00:38:29,440 KLAXON 852 00:38:29,440 --> 00:38:32,640 Non. Non. Non, non, non! 853 00:38:32,640 --> 00:38:34,120 Is it somewhere in Africa? Yes. 854 00:38:34,120 --> 00:38:36,280 A lot of French-speaking countries, aren't there? 855 00:38:36,280 --> 00:38:39,560 It's the capital of the Democratic Republic of Congo. 856 00:38:39,560 --> 00:38:42,600 AUDIENCE MEMBER: Kinshasa. Kinshasa. Kinshasa. Kinshasa, yeah. 857 00:38:42,600 --> 00:38:45,200 It officially overtook Paris and Montreal a few years ago. 858 00:38:45,200 --> 00:38:49,400 The country has the largest francophone population in the world. 859 00:38:49,400 --> 00:38:51,840 More French speakers than France. 860 00:38:51,840 --> 00:38:54,280 Yes. 861 00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:56,280 So, there are about as many Spanish speakers 862 00:38:56,280 --> 00:38:58,320 in the United States as there are in Spain. 863 00:38:58,320 --> 00:39:01,760 Spain is already the fourth-biggest Spanish-speaking country. 864 00:39:01,760 --> 00:39:04,880 So, the UK, does it have the number-one city 865 00:39:04,880 --> 00:39:06,600 for English speakers? 866 00:39:06,600 --> 00:39:08,440 I think we speak it best. 867 00:39:10,800 --> 00:39:12,360 Just putting that out there. 868 00:39:12,360 --> 00:39:15,520 Which city do we think in the world has got the most English speakers? 869 00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:17,760 It's Mumbai. Oh. It is Mumbai. 870 00:39:17,760 --> 00:39:19,000 Yeah. 871 00:39:19,000 --> 00:39:21,320 In fact, in terms of population of English speakers, 872 00:39:21,320 --> 00:39:23,880 the UK only comes sixth worldwide. 873 00:39:23,880 --> 00:39:26,080 And that is colonialism for you. 874 00:39:26,080 --> 00:39:28,400 How many holes can you see in this cheese? 875 00:39:28,400 --> 00:39:30,480 Oh, my God. I can't... Right. Oh, don't look. 876 00:39:30,480 --> 00:39:32,160 You don't like holes, do you? Every time. 877 00:39:32,160 --> 00:39:33,920 Every time, we have holes on this show. 878 00:39:33,920 --> 00:39:35,400 Every time, it's holes. 879 00:39:35,400 --> 00:39:36,720 I'm so sorry. 880 00:39:36,720 --> 00:39:39,280 Don't look, 881 00:39:39,280 --> 00:39:41,800 but also you won't get any points for this one. 882 00:39:41,800 --> 00:39:44,440 It's OK cos they're not right next to each other. Oh. 883 00:39:44,440 --> 00:39:46,680 Or exactly the same size. 884 00:39:46,680 --> 00:39:49,200 OK, good. 885 00:39:49,200 --> 00:39:51,120 So, how do you use a sieve? 886 00:39:51,120 --> 00:39:52,520 I... 887 00:39:52,520 --> 00:39:55,600 C... Can we not talk about sieves? 888 00:39:56,680 --> 00:39:59,080 Literally, every time I'm on the show, they show me holes! 889 00:39:59,080 --> 00:40:02,040 I'm sorry! The world has got a lot of holes in it. 890 00:40:02,040 --> 00:40:05,280 Could you play golf if you never actually looked? 891 00:40:05,280 --> 00:40:07,520 No, it's not... That's just one hole. 892 00:40:07,520 --> 00:40:09,920 There has to be lots of holes together of the same size. 893 00:40:09,920 --> 00:40:12,200 Connect 4. So a cheese-grater would be bad? 894 00:40:12,200 --> 00:40:14,400 Connect 4. SHE LAUGHS 895 00:40:14,400 --> 00:40:16,120 Sorry. Why don't you keep listing things 896 00:40:16,120 --> 00:40:17,920 that have got loads of holes in them? Sorry. 897 00:40:17,920 --> 00:40:20,160 Can you...could you...? Drop it, will you, you psycho? 898 00:40:20,160 --> 00:40:21,960 No, no, no. 899 00:40:21,960 --> 00:40:23,760 Bridget, I feel I've known you a long time. 900 00:40:23,760 --> 00:40:25,800 I feel like we're quite close. It's never come up. 901 00:40:25,800 --> 00:40:28,280 Only cos you've got no holes in you, Deborah. 902 00:40:28,280 --> 00:40:31,160 If I asked you to play a game of tennis, could you do that? 903 00:40:31,160 --> 00:40:32,840 Cos a tennis racket... They're squares. 904 00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:34,480 There's holes in the net. 905 00:40:34,480 --> 00:40:36,800 Do they have to be round? Got to be round, Deborah. 906 00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:39,320 I'm so sorry. I've not been filled in. No. 907 00:40:39,320 --> 00:40:41,120 I'm not insane. 908 00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:43,920 How many holes in this cheese? 909 00:40:43,920 --> 00:40:45,320 Two. Is correct. 910 00:40:46,440 --> 00:40:49,760 So... LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 911 00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:56,960 Sorry, why does he...? Why is he getting a clap? 912 00:40:56,960 --> 00:40:59,520 Because...? Because I never get anything right. 913 00:40:59,520 --> 00:41:02,320 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 914 00:41:02,320 --> 00:41:04,080 He's right. There's only two holes. 915 00:41:04,080 --> 00:41:06,320 But you can see there's only two holes? Everyone knows 916 00:41:06,320 --> 00:41:08,440 there's only two holes. Nobody else said it. 917 00:41:08,440 --> 00:41:10,000 It's like going, 918 00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:12,440 "How many fingers have I got up?" "Five" Give him 100 points. 919 00:41:12,440 --> 00:41:14,680 I only have to get one thing right, and ta-da! Yeah. 920 00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:16,160 I think they're patronising Alan. 921 00:41:16,160 --> 00:41:18,400 "Let's give Alan one. He can answer that kind of thing." 922 00:41:20,280 --> 00:41:23,120 And then we'll do a bit of colouring in, and it's home time. 923 00:41:23,120 --> 00:41:25,440 LAUGHTER DEBORAH: Aw! 924 00:41:25,440 --> 00:41:26,800 Can I have a story? 925 00:41:26,800 --> 00:41:28,680 We're talking about topology. 926 00:41:28,680 --> 00:41:30,120 There are only two holes. 927 00:41:30,120 --> 00:41:32,920 But the other things you can see are dents and deformations and so on. 928 00:41:32,920 --> 00:41:35,120 The only way there could be another hole in the cheese 929 00:41:35,120 --> 00:41:37,280 is if there was a hole inside that was fully enclosed 930 00:41:37,280 --> 00:41:39,720 that we couldn't see. So, there's a branch of mathematics 931 00:41:39,720 --> 00:41:41,880 called topology, and it deals with shapes and spaces 932 00:41:41,880 --> 00:41:44,120 and holes, and so on. So, a topologist, and indeed Alan, 933 00:41:44,120 --> 00:41:46,080 would only see two holes in this picture. 934 00:41:46,080 --> 00:41:47,440 Let's try an easier one. 935 00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:49,440 How many holes does this have? 936 00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:52,480 Two. Two. It's got one to blow it up, 937 00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:55,560 and one in the middle. 938 00:41:55,560 --> 00:41:57,840 You're sort of right, but your reasoning is not right. 939 00:41:57,840 --> 00:42:00,040 It's impeccable. What are you saying? We're not... 940 00:42:00,040 --> 00:42:01,800 We can't count the one with the valve in it 941 00:42:01,800 --> 00:42:05,120 because it's closed in this picture, so that's not a hole. 942 00:42:05,120 --> 00:42:08,760 OK? Mmm... So, you've got the one that the person's body goes through, 943 00:42:08,760 --> 00:42:11,600 and then another one that makes up the hollow tube 944 00:42:11,600 --> 00:42:13,640 going around the outside. 945 00:42:13,640 --> 00:42:17,440 But that only counts as a second hole if it's hollow. 946 00:42:17,440 --> 00:42:20,040 So, for example, a ring doughnut is different to a rubber ring 947 00:42:20,040 --> 00:42:22,360 because it's filled in with dough, and it's not hollow. 948 00:42:22,360 --> 00:42:24,400 So a doughnut only has one hole. Mmm. 949 00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:26,600 But the rubber ring has two holes 950 00:42:26,600 --> 00:42:30,240 because the hole of the hollow space counts as a hole. 951 00:42:30,240 --> 00:42:33,280 Oh. But... I happen to have a doughnut. 952 00:42:33,280 --> 00:42:36,400 So... I've got a doughnut, as well. ..there are doughnuts for everybody. 953 00:42:36,400 --> 00:42:37,840 And that's the truth of it. 954 00:42:37,840 --> 00:42:40,560 So, the doughnut, at no point is it hollow in this part. 955 00:42:40,560 --> 00:42:42,040 It's only got one hole. 956 00:42:42,040 --> 00:42:45,520 I'll just check that, Sandi. Yeah, just see...how that is. 957 00:42:45,520 --> 00:42:47,520 All right. Sure. Ooh! That's bloody lovely! 958 00:42:47,520 --> 00:42:48,960 Yours is vegan, darling. Is it? 959 00:42:48,960 --> 00:42:50,200 And on that cheesy note, 960 00:42:50,200 --> 00:42:53,360 it's time for the tallying and the totting-up. 961 00:42:53,360 --> 00:42:56,240 At the tail of the pack, in last place with minus 12, 962 00:42:56,240 --> 00:42:58,200 It's Sara! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 963 00:42:58,200 --> 00:43:00,640 But I've got a doughnut, though. 964 00:43:00,640 --> 00:43:02,480 In third place, with minus 2, 965 00:43:02,480 --> 00:43:05,440 it's Alan! Thank you very much. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 966 00:43:07,200 --> 00:43:09,800 In second place, with six whole points is Bridget! 967 00:43:09,800 --> 00:43:12,200 Yay! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 968 00:43:12,200 --> 00:43:14,760 Topping the charts, in first place with seven points, 969 00:43:14,760 --> 00:43:17,760 it's Deborah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 970 00:43:23,920 --> 00:43:26,240 So, it's thanks to Bridget, Sara, Deborah and Alan. 971 00:43:26,240 --> 00:43:29,760 And I leave you with this food for thought from a user on Reddit. 972 00:43:29,760 --> 00:43:32,440 When two people kiss, they make one long tube 973 00:43:32,440 --> 00:43:34,120 with an arsehole at both ends. 974 00:43:34,120 --> 00:43:35,800 LAUGHTER Goodnight. 975 00:43:35,800 --> 00:43:38,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE