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This programme contains some
strong language

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APPLAUSE

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WHISTLING

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Good evening and welcome to QI.

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Right, question number one.

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What's a good way to earn
bigger tips

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if you're waiting tables?

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Anybody here ever been...?
You've been a waiter?

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I worked as a caterer?

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You worked as a caterer?

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What were you doing?

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Catering.

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LAUGHTER

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Now, I've done a job
delivering cakes,

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and the recipient of the cakes
had moved on

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from the time that they were
being delivered.

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So I just had a flat full of cake.

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And I just lived off cake
for months.

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This is a dream, Bill?
Oh, yeah.

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LAUGHTER

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Well, a top tip, apparently,
if you want to get a tip,

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is to wear something unusual.

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Oh. Unusual? Yeah.

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So, for example, waitresses
with floral hairpins

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earned 17% more than people
with plain hairpins. Ah!

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Yeah. Would it be, if you were
to compliment the diners,

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you know, or when they were just
coming to the end of an anecdote

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as you put the food down, you went,
"Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

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"Excellent story!"

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Well, certainly, the whole thing
about being funny,

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wearing a funny button
apparently helps.

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Joke cards work as well.

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So French researchers
supplied waitstaff

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with jokes for customers,

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and 42% of those who used them
were tipped,

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compared with 25% of the staff
who didn't.

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There you go. So more people
will tip you

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if you give them a little bit
of a laugh. Bit of a laugh.

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Bit of a laugh. See, I didn't get
two points for that!

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OK, three. Three points for that.
Three points.

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Three points for that. I'm going to
give you three points. No, no, no!

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I don't... But there's also a thing
called postural congruence,

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which is weird. So if you squat
at the table

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and you get your face closer,

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apparently that can boost your tips.
What?!

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Touching customers. But in a,
you know...

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Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

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LAUGHTER

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I'm just going to give him money
to make him go away!

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Go away! Go away!

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Let me cut it up for you!
Let me cut it up!

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I've got a flat bastard!
Here it comes! Choo-choo!

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Choo-choo! Open your mouth!

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Here comes the train!

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Argh!

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I'm in one of Bill's dreams!

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There's also casual touch
manipulation.

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So basically...
Casual touch manipulation?

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So don't be unpleasant,
don't be weird.

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But just very quickly touch somebody
on the shoulder pad.

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That's, like, you know...

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That's proper manipulative.

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That is... That's just invading
someone's space, isn't it?

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And apparently the best
thing to do is...

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Brush them on the nipple.
..while you're putting the bill...

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LAUGHTER

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There you go.

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That's not right!

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That can't be right, surely?

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Ooh!

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Why, thank you!

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Time to do that, Bill, is when you
put the check on the table.

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That's when to get touchy-touchy?

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That's the moment to distract
from the amount.

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You just touch them at that...

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You all right?

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There you go, sir.

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Service... Is service included?

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Say that.
Is service...?

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No, it's not.

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Come on.
I'm writing to my lawyer.

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In World War I, a horse was killed
in what was called no-man's-land.

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And somebody thought, "Oh, I know,
we'll turn it into a lookout."

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And under cover of night,
French soldiers

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made a papier mache version
of the horse,

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and a soldier then went in
and apparently

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used his anus as a gun port,

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which I think, you know...

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That's something I'm definitely
going to google later on.

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The anus as a gun port.

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The horse... It's the horse's anus.

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Yes, the horse... Yes.

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JIMMY LAUGHS

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Is this going to be a follow up
story about the...?

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"The greatest hero of that war was,
of course, a pantomime horse."

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Well, they used papier mache heads.
I think you've got some.

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They used to use papier mache heads
on sticks

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to put up over the trench.
Oh, hang on.

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Oh, no, I have got one.
Yeah, look at this.

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Oh! Oh! Gosh, there wasn't much
diversity then, was there?

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No, no. It's not wild on diversity.

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They all were...

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Ours have found love.

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LAUGHTER

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Er...

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LAUGHTER

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# Yummy, yummy, yummy

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# I've got love in my tummy. #

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I'm always hungry after a blowjob.
Yeah!

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How dare you!

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If you want to kill an auroch...
Do you want to kill an auroch?

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I don't know what one is yet.
Are they in Lord Of The Rings?

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LAUGHTER

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I know it only because I was
in a schoolhouse.

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We had aurochs, kudus and elands.

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So it's a kind of deer.

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Er, well, close.

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It's a kind of cow. It's an early
kind of cow.

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OK. An early cow? Yeah.

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They're called calves. Buffalo.

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That's right.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I don't want to start coming on here
and running the show, yeah?

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Yeah. They don't exist any more,
they're gone.

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They're gone? Yeah, 1627,
the last one died. Oh.

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So probably you're thinking
of oryx - O-R-Y-X. Y-X.

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Yeah, and it's not that,
it's A-U-R-O-C-H-S.

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So he was right about them?
Oh, yes. So...

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It was a deer, not an early cow.

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..I'm going to give you a point
for the misunderstanding.

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Wow! I wish that would work
in love... Take it. Really?

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Yeah.
..just generally.

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Oh?

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Misunderstanding - you get a point.

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Are you not having a good time
in the love department?

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Oh, no, it's dreadful.

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Is it?

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I mean, what are you looking for?
We could put an ad out just now.

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LAUGHTER

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I'm looking for someone
understanding and patient.

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Oh, God, you've got no chance!
Why?

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Why? Are you a dick?

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I'm married and I'm still on
the lookout for that.

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LAUGHTER

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Right, you've all got beside you
a loo-roll holder like this.

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Put it on your right-hand side

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and imagine you're sitting
on the lavatory.

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And I want you to tell me which way
do you correctly hang the loo roll?

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Do you hang it...? Do you hang it
this way?

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Very controversial.

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So imagine the wall is here.

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OK? Do you hang it...?

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You've got to hang it this way.
Why?

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Why have you got to hang
it that way?

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Just cos, like, otherwise
you're a godless prick.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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So the toilet roll holder
was invented

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by an American engineer called
Seth Wheeler in 1891.

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And you can see from his patent
that he has made a decision

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and it goes this way.

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The truth is, there are advantages
to both ways of doing it.

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So, if the loose end hangs
on the front,

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it's easier to grab.

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But if you hang it the
other way around,

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there is less chance of -

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I don't know, a child or a cat,
or indeed yourself -

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accidentally unravelling the roll.

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I always used to think it should be
at the back.

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And then, in recent years,
I've changed.

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Gone to the front? Yeah.

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Well, what you could've done is
installed something, Alan,

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called a Tilt-A-Roll.

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Oh! Yeah, a Tilt-A-Roll was invented
in 1999,

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and the holder swivels and you can
orientate the paper as you please.

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I have a...

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I have a toilet roll butler.

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Just...

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Just stands there and...

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Let him just hand me...
Just give you a little sheet.

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"From your expression, sir, I would
say that's four sheets..."

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LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

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I've got a doubler with a magazine
rack underneath.

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Wow! That's just horrible.

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That Jonathan Creek money
is serious business!

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'90s, innit!

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Cha-ching!

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Another amazing archer
was an American.

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He was a guy called Howard Hill.

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He's considered to be the greatest
archer in history.

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And he was also a stunt man. Here he
is teaching Errol Flynn.

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And he even shot a prune
from a volunteer's head.

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The shocking part of that story is
"from a volunteer's head."

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That shows both understanding
and patience. Yeah!

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"Would you have a prune shot from
your head by an expert archer?"

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"I would."
"You're the one for me."

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LAUGHTER

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That's a good question to ask on...
What is it?

198
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Tinder profile? What's the...?
Tinder...

199
00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:01,760
So, what is it? Swiping?

200
00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:04,280
Which is it? Right to like someone?
I don't know, I'm married.

201
00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,601
Don't know why I'm looking at you.
Why are you looking at me?

202
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Right is...
Oh, you know?

203
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Yes. He knows.

204
00:09:10,201 --> 00:09:11,921
It's not... I've got carpal tunnel.

205
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I just say "Yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes."

206
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Whilst crying and crying and crying.

207
00:09:19,121 --> 00:09:21,561
"Are you patient?!"

208
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"Do you understand me?!"

209
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I don't know if you remember
the 580-tonne

210
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Channel Tunnel boring machine.

211
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Do you remember that?
Yeah, I do. I do remember it.

212
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I pitched a novel, which was
about some people who wanted

213
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to save the remaining endangered
species. Mm?

214
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So what they did was they
wiped out humanity

215
00:09:43,563 --> 00:09:47,763
by using that boring machine to...

216
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So, anyway, it didn't get
commissioned.

217
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LAUGHTER

218
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"No, thank you."

219
00:09:54,123 --> 00:09:56,604
For a while, the machine,
once they'd finished

220
00:09:56,604 --> 00:09:58,124
the Channel Tunnel,
it was for sale.

221
00:09:58,124 --> 00:10:02,604
It was sold in 2004 for just under
£40,000 to a bidder on eBay.

222
00:10:02,604 --> 00:10:04,444
No! Yeah.

223
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Price did not include delivery.
No returns.

224
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That was the thing.

225
00:10:08,844 --> 00:10:11,644
Would you not be suspicious of
somebody buying that off eBay?

226
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Like, what are they going
to do with it?

227
00:10:13,285 --> 00:10:16,125
They're going to save all of
the animals, Deborah!

228
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Was it you who bought that off eBay,
Sara Pascoe?

229
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All you have to do is undermine
all of the major cities

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so that they crumble down.

231
00:10:24,525 --> 00:10:27,005
But it would be good if you
bought that, right,

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and there was never any use
for it, ever. Yeah.

233
00:10:29,125 --> 00:10:31,966
And then, like, some natural
disaster happened.

234
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You sort of go... You go, "I've got
the thing for the job." Yeah.

235
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"And everyone laughed at me
when I bought it.

236
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"And now who's laughing?"
Yeah.

237
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"Because you can't use it unless
you give me loads of money."

238
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A similar thing happened to me
at an auction. OK.

239
00:10:48,487 --> 00:10:51,967
Which is that I bought a painting
of a cat

240
00:10:51,967 --> 00:10:54,647
that was dressed in human clothes.

241
00:10:54,647 --> 00:10:56,847
And it was £50.

242
00:10:56,847 --> 00:11:01,807
And at the auction, I expected
everyone to go, "Oh!"

243
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You know? And for it to go up
to hundreds of pounds.

244
00:11:04,528 --> 00:11:07,128
But I think it was started
at 50 or something.

245
00:11:07,128 --> 00:11:08,288
And I went like that.

246
00:11:08,288 --> 00:11:10,328
And the auctioneer went, "Thank God
that's gone.

247
00:11:10,328 --> 00:11:11,888
"It gives me the creeps."

248
00:11:13,128 --> 00:11:15,928
Oh! And then everyone else
laughed at me.

249
00:11:15,928 --> 00:11:17,128
But who's laughing now?

250
00:11:17,128 --> 00:11:19,168
Because it's in my living room.

251
00:11:19,168 --> 00:11:21,129
LAUGHTER

252
00:11:21,129 --> 00:11:25,209
And there will be a natural
disaster involving cats,

253
00:11:25,209 --> 00:11:27,129
and I'll have...
You'll have the very thing.

254
00:11:27,129 --> 00:11:30,129
The thing. You're laughing now,
but, you know,

255
00:11:30,129 --> 00:11:31,929
something's going to happen.

256
00:11:31,929 --> 00:11:33,729
I know what it's going to be.
Yeah. Yeah?

257
00:11:33,729 --> 00:11:35,889
I think it's going to be, like,
the cat revolution,

258
00:11:35,889 --> 00:11:39,570
when they finally make human beings
subservient to them.

259
00:11:39,570 --> 00:11:41,930
That's exactly... And you'll be
the only one they forgive

260
00:11:41,930 --> 00:11:43,890
cos they'll go, "She was
respectful."

261
00:11:45,450 --> 00:11:48,850
They'll come into my house
to arrest me. Right.

262
00:11:48,850 --> 00:11:50,130
And... The cats?

263
00:11:50,130 --> 00:11:52,490
Yeah, the cats. They'll be wearing
human clothes by then.

264
00:11:52,490 --> 00:11:54,651
They'll be standing up. Do you want
to make some notes

265
00:11:54,651 --> 00:11:56,891
for your novel, darling.

266
00:11:56,891 --> 00:11:59,131
Sara will come in in
a tunnelling machine.

267
00:11:59,131 --> 00:12:00,291
Yeah.

268
00:12:00,291 --> 00:12:02,251
I'm really worried about this,
cos all I've got

269
00:12:02,251 --> 00:12:05,251
is a bumper sticker that says
"so many cats, so few recipes".

270
00:12:05,251 --> 00:12:06,491
And I just think...

271
00:12:06,491 --> 00:12:09,291
LAUGHTER

272
00:12:09,291 --> 00:12:10,652
There's a guy called Tim Storms.

273
00:12:10,652 --> 00:12:12,132
He's an American voiceover artist.

274
00:12:12,132 --> 00:12:14,332
And he has a vocal range
of ten octaves.

275
00:12:14,332 --> 00:12:16,132
He holds the world...
Wow! No!

276
00:12:16,132 --> 00:12:20,252
World record for the lowest musical
note ever sung.

277
00:12:20,252 --> 00:12:23,732
So, in 2012, he sang a G
eight octaves lower

278
00:12:23,732 --> 00:12:27,133
than the lowest G on a piano, OK?
Wow. Wow.

279
00:12:27,133 --> 00:12:28,413
This is him speaking.

280
00:12:28,413 --> 00:12:32,453
This is the voice of Tim Storms.

281
00:12:32,453 --> 00:12:35,893
Nice to meet you.

282
00:12:35,893 --> 00:12:39,533
OK, so, he does a lot of movie
trailers, Alan.

283
00:12:39,533 --> 00:12:44,134
And he has done the honour of
recording a trailer for us.

284
00:12:44,134 --> 00:12:46,454
You, watch this if you dare.

285
00:12:49,614 --> 00:12:51,734
In a world

286
00:12:51,734 --> 00:12:56,174
where everything you think you know
is wrong...

287
00:12:57,654 --> 00:13:04,335
..one man stands alone against
the forces of ignorance.

288
00:13:06,135 --> 00:13:09,135
Alan Davies is...

289
00:13:09,135 --> 00:13:11,535
..Alan Davies...

290
00:13:11,535 --> 00:13:14,495
..in QI.

291
00:13:16,135 --> 00:13:20,296
The answer is never blue whale.

292
00:13:22,576 --> 00:13:25,296
Terms and conditions apply.
QI is not responsible...

293
00:13:25,296 --> 00:13:27,176
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

294
00:13:27,176 --> 00:13:29,256
ALAN: Very good!
That's pretty cool!

295
00:13:29,256 --> 00:13:31,816
That's pretty amazing.
Very cool!

296
00:13:34,697 --> 00:13:37,257
How comfortable would it be
to snuggle up

297
00:13:37,257 --> 00:13:40,817
under a blanket octopus?

298
00:13:40,817 --> 00:13:44,817
I'm going to say not very
comfortable

299
00:13:44,817 --> 00:13:47,417
if you're a female blanket octopus,

300
00:13:47,417 --> 00:13:50,057
because the male blanket octopus

301
00:13:50,057 --> 00:13:52,538
dies after mating and won't cuddle.

302
00:13:54,938 --> 00:13:59,338
They say they die. Maybe they just
change their number. I don't know.

303
00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:00,698
"I've died!"

304
00:14:00,698 --> 00:14:02,818
But the thing is, she wouldn't even
notice the male.

305
00:14:02,818 --> 00:14:03,938
That's the truth of it.

306
00:14:03,938 --> 00:14:06,258
They have extreme sexual
dimorphism. Oh!

307
00:14:06,258 --> 00:14:09,139
A massive difference between
the females and the males.

308
00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:11,819
The female can grow to about
two metres.

309
00:14:11,819 --> 00:14:13,899
Can you spot the male
in the picture?

310
00:14:13,899 --> 00:14:15,579
Oh!

311
00:14:15,579 --> 00:14:17,659
What? He's there? Like the
Tinder Swindler?

312
00:14:17,659 --> 00:14:19,699
Is that him at the back? That dot?

313
00:14:19,699 --> 00:14:20,899
Oh, that little dot, is he?

314
00:14:20,899 --> 00:14:23,859
That little dot is the male.

315
00:14:28,460 --> 00:14:29,740
Aw, he's just a little dot!

316
00:14:29,740 --> 00:14:33,180
So I think, if he dies, you wouldn't
give a rat's arse, frankly.

317
00:14:34,420 --> 00:14:37,340
He's swimming along and thinking,
"Phwoar!

318
00:14:37,340 --> 00:14:39,580
"She's enormous!" That little
tiny dot...?

319
00:14:42,461 --> 00:14:44,581
He's basically sort of a sperm sac,
frankly. Yeah.

320
00:14:44,581 --> 00:14:45,861
So if Alan and I...

321
00:14:45,861 --> 00:14:47,301
LAUGHTER

322
00:14:47,301 --> 00:14:50,141
..matched our heights to a blanket
octopus' proportions,

323
00:14:50,141 --> 00:14:52,541
Alan would be roughly the length
of a thumbnail

324
00:14:52,541 --> 00:14:57,782
or I would be the height of the
Gherkin skyscraper in London.

325
00:14:57,782 --> 00:14:59,702
And that is a novel!

326
00:14:59,702 --> 00:15:02,662
LAUGHTER

327
00:15:05,822 --> 00:15:08,142
I have here an assassin's teapot.

328
00:15:08,142 --> 00:15:09,262
I will show you.

329
00:15:09,262 --> 00:15:10,502
Let me bring it out.

330
00:15:10,502 --> 00:15:11,742
Right, so, have a look here.

331
00:15:11,742 --> 00:15:14,943
So I'm going to pour you,
for example, some tea.

332
00:15:14,943 --> 00:15:18,143
So, here it is. There's lots of nice
tea going out like that.

333
00:15:18,143 --> 00:15:20,743
Now what you want is milk.

334
00:15:20,743 --> 00:15:23,783
So...
Oh!

335
00:15:23,783 --> 00:15:29,423
..milk. Honestly, that is the
sexiest thing ever!

336
00:15:31,544 --> 00:15:35,144
So, two different liquids from the
same pot without them mixing.

337
00:15:35,144 --> 00:15:39,144
Why might you want to do that?
For the poison!

338
00:15:39,144 --> 00:15:40,984
Yes. You get two points.
Absolutely.

339
00:15:40,984 --> 00:15:43,984
To poison somebody.

340
00:15:43,984 --> 00:15:45,264
Well, to find out how it works,

341
00:15:45,264 --> 00:15:47,544
we have an old friend of the show
and YouTube scientist.

342
00:15:47,544 --> 00:15:50,065
Please welcome science communicator
Steve Mould.

343
00:15:50,065 --> 00:15:52,225
APPLAUSE

344
00:15:54,345 --> 00:15:55,585
Tell us how it works.

345
00:15:55,585 --> 00:15:58,705
So, I made this 2D version
for a YouTube video,

346
00:15:58,705 --> 00:16:00,265
so you can see what's going on
inside.

347
00:16:00,265 --> 00:16:01,545
Look, there's two chambers.

348
00:16:01,545 --> 00:16:04,385
The bottom chamber leads
to the spout,

349
00:16:04,385 --> 00:16:07,426
but it also leads to this hole at
the bottom of the handle here.

350
00:16:07,426 --> 00:16:09,266
The top chamber leads to the spout
as well,

351
00:16:09,266 --> 00:16:10,586
and it has a little hole as well.

352
00:16:10,586 --> 00:16:14,026
So, if I cover these two holes
and try and pour,

353
00:16:14,026 --> 00:16:15,306
nothing comes out. Yeah.

354
00:16:15,306 --> 00:16:18,146
But if I open this hole
and try and pour,

355
00:16:18,146 --> 00:16:19,666
a green drink comes out.

356
00:16:19,666 --> 00:16:23,867
But if I open the bottom hole,
a pink drink comes out -

357
00:16:23,867 --> 00:16:25,547
mostly onto the table.

358
00:16:25,547 --> 00:16:27,467
And if I open both holes,

359
00:16:27,467 --> 00:16:30,667
then a sort of kind of
chocolate milk,

360
00:16:30,667 --> 00:16:31,987
maybe, comes out.

361
00:16:31,987 --> 00:16:33,907
So, why, Steve? Why does it
work that way?

362
00:16:33,907 --> 00:16:37,267
So, it's a bit like when you put
your thumb over

363
00:16:37,267 --> 00:16:40,148
sort of a straw in your drink and
you lift it up.

364
00:16:40,148 --> 00:16:42,708
Some of the drink comes
with the straw,

365
00:16:42,708 --> 00:16:44,748
and that's because
of surface tension

366
00:16:44,748 --> 00:16:46,708
and atmospheric pressure
and things like that.

367
00:16:46,708 --> 00:16:50,068
But, intuitively, you know that
the drink can't come out

368
00:16:50,068 --> 00:16:51,428
of the straw unless air
can get in

369
00:16:51,428 --> 00:16:53,428
to replace the drink that was there.

370
00:16:53,428 --> 00:16:55,909
And the air can't get in at the top,
because you're covering it

371
00:16:55,909 --> 00:16:58,109
with your thumb, and the air can't
get in at the bottom

372
00:16:58,109 --> 00:16:59,349
because of surface tension.

373
00:16:59,349 --> 00:17:02,149
But if you open the hole at the top,
then air can get in

374
00:17:02,149 --> 00:17:04,589
and the liquid can get out.
No way!

375
00:17:04,589 --> 00:17:06,029
Yes way, Henning!

376
00:17:06,029 --> 00:17:07,589
Witch! He's a witch!

377
00:17:09,149 --> 00:17:12,990
The assassin's teapot is essentially
a fancy,

378
00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:15,710
weirdly-shaped pair of straws

379
00:17:15,710 --> 00:17:18,550
that you can put your fingers over
to make things happen.

380
00:17:18,550 --> 00:17:21,150
And you could kill somebody.
And you can kill somebody.

381
00:17:21,150 --> 00:17:24,030
If you're going to do that, use the
same coloured liquid. Ah!

382
00:17:24,030 --> 00:17:26,150
Otherwise...
They might spot them.

383
00:17:26,150 --> 00:17:27,510
Yeah.

384
00:17:27,510 --> 00:17:29,631
Steve, thank you so very much
for coming in.

385
00:17:29,631 --> 00:17:32,231
APPLAUSE

386
00:17:34,671 --> 00:17:36,111
Here's the thing about skydiving.

387
00:17:36,111 --> 00:17:38,311
You know when you pull the thing
like that

388
00:17:38,311 --> 00:17:41,591
and you would think that you'd go
woosh up in the air? Yeah.

389
00:17:41,591 --> 00:17:44,711
But that's because when it's filmed
you go whoomph, like that,

390
00:17:44,711 --> 00:17:47,432
and the camera person's there
and - woosh -

391
00:17:47,432 --> 00:17:49,272
they keep falling.

392
00:17:49,272 --> 00:17:52,472
So you think that it's an up,
but it's just an oh!

393
00:17:54,592 --> 00:17:57,392
Sorry, can I just ask, have you ever
been skydiving? No, never.

394
00:17:57,392 --> 00:17:58,512
But...

395
00:17:59,512 --> 00:18:00,832
I've never done it.

396
00:18:00,832 --> 00:18:03,553
But I did talk to a cameraman once.

397
00:18:03,553 --> 00:18:06,393
LAUGHTER

398
00:18:06,393 --> 00:18:08,153
Love that. Yeah. I did it.

399
00:18:08,153 --> 00:18:10,473
I strapped onto a bloke
and he jumped out.

400
00:18:13,153 --> 00:18:14,753
Why would you do that?

401
00:18:14,753 --> 00:18:17,793
I did it because I'd broken up
with a girlfriend

402
00:18:17,793 --> 00:18:20,914
who told me that her previous
boyfriend

403
00:18:20,914 --> 00:18:22,434
was much braver than me.

404
00:18:22,434 --> 00:18:23,954
LAUGHTER

405
00:18:23,954 --> 00:18:26,474
And he was braver and cleverer
and all that.

406
00:18:26,474 --> 00:18:28,474
And funnier. That was really
wounding.

407
00:18:29,474 --> 00:18:31,514
And I thought, "I'm going
to jump out of a plane.

408
00:18:31,514 --> 00:18:33,914
"I'll show you." And they said,
"Right, put your foot out

409
00:18:33,914 --> 00:18:36,675
"on the wheel strut." And I
absolutely shat myself.

410
00:18:36,675 --> 00:18:39,035
If I hadn't been strapped
to this fella...

411
00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:40,395
Yeah.
..I would never have gone.

412
00:18:40,395 --> 00:18:42,475
Wait, just to be clear, because you
shat yourself.

413
00:18:42,475 --> 00:18:44,835
Is he behind you or in front of you?
He was behind.

414
00:18:44,835 --> 00:18:47,075
Guy took it in his stride,
Sandi, literally.

415
00:18:50,155 --> 00:18:52,155
And did...? And did you
land safely

416
00:18:52,155 --> 00:18:54,396
into your ex-girlfriend's wedding,
or...?

417
00:19:02,636 --> 00:19:05,156
Describe the most thrilling way

418
00:19:05,156 --> 00:19:08,276
to come down from the top
of the Eiffel Tower.

419
00:19:09,316 --> 00:19:10,557
# That's the way... #

420
00:19:11,677 --> 00:19:13,197
Tossing yourself off?

421
00:19:13,197 --> 00:19:16,277
LAUGHTER

422
00:19:19,797 --> 00:19:21,317
So, not that. Not that.

423
00:19:21,317 --> 00:19:23,597
Thrilling way to come down
from the Eiffel Tower.

424
00:19:23,597 --> 00:19:24,797
Any thoughts?

425
00:19:24,797 --> 00:19:27,158
Some kind of massive slide?
Yes.

426
00:19:27,158 --> 00:19:30,198
On a magical unicorn
made of Camembert.

427
00:19:32,518 --> 00:19:34,878
Bareback riding with
Robert Pattinson.

428
00:19:39,638 --> 00:19:41,158
So, this is fantastic.

429
00:19:41,158 --> 00:19:44,639
There was a French engineer,
1891, called Charles Carron,

430
00:19:44,639 --> 00:19:46,279
and he proposed

431
00:19:46,279 --> 00:19:50,159
a giant bullet that people
would sit inside

432
00:19:50,159 --> 00:19:53,359
as it fell down from
the Eiffel Tower

433
00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:55,959
into an enormous pool of water

434
00:19:55,959 --> 00:19:57,559
at the base, OK?

435
00:19:58,479 --> 00:20:00,320
The fall, about 1,000 feet.

436
00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:04,560
And it would allow 15 brave riders
to reach speeds

437
00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:08,320
up to 180mph,

438
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:12,200
whilst not restrained by a seat
belt or anything else

439
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:13,800
in any way.

440
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:15,240
I just wonder if any of the panel

441
00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:17,881
can think of a practical problem
that might arise

442
00:20:17,881 --> 00:20:20,321
with this particular idea?
Well, I would say certain death.

443
00:20:20,321 --> 00:20:22,361
Certain death.
Might be an issue.

444
00:20:22,361 --> 00:20:25,921
Well, the main thing was that
they needed something

445
00:20:25,921 --> 00:20:27,841
for them to land in, right?

446
00:20:27,841 --> 00:20:32,801
So he proposed a dive pool
190 feet deep,

447
00:20:32,801 --> 00:20:35,162
shaped like a giant champagne flute.

448
00:20:35,162 --> 00:20:38,162
Once they're in the bottom
of the pool... Yeah.

449
00:20:38,162 --> 00:20:39,522
..how are they getting out then?

450
00:20:39,522 --> 00:20:40,962
That's the other thing.

451
00:20:42,162 --> 00:20:44,162
Well spotted.

452
00:20:44,162 --> 00:20:46,962
The bullet is 11 tonnes.
Ooh!

453
00:20:46,962 --> 00:20:48,762
Yeah, and he did say,

454
00:20:48,762 --> 00:20:51,363
"Probably we'd have to get them
out quite quickly."

455
00:20:52,563 --> 00:20:55,163
Before they asphyxiated or drowned.

456
00:20:55,163 --> 00:20:59,043
Presuming, I think, that they hadn't
died from the impact.

457
00:20:59,043 --> 00:21:01,483
I'm just thinking, like, "Look at
this guy, free thinker."

458
00:21:01,483 --> 00:21:03,683
Like, imagine if he was around,

459
00:21:03,683 --> 00:21:07,284
designing, like, lollipop ladies'
lollipops.

460
00:21:07,284 --> 00:21:09,644
If that's where his mind
is with this... Nope.

461
00:21:11,164 --> 00:21:13,324
..something as mundane as
a lollipop lady,

462
00:21:13,324 --> 00:21:16,164
she'd have, like, straps.

463
00:21:16,164 --> 00:21:18,804
Like, if the kids were coming out,
little cattle prods on the end.

464
00:21:18,804 --> 00:21:21,164
"Get back, you little prick! Zzt!"
Like that.

465
00:21:21,164 --> 00:21:24,325
This is the kind of guy we need
in today's society, innit?

466
00:21:24,325 --> 00:21:25,885
It certainly is.

467
00:21:25,885 --> 00:21:27,725
My brother had a friend who,

468
00:21:27,725 --> 00:21:31,605
when they went to something like,
you know, a scary theme park,

469
00:21:31,605 --> 00:21:35,165
he would take a massive kind of
rusty bolt with him.

470
00:21:35,165 --> 00:21:37,005
And he would wait till
the ride started.

471
00:21:37,005 --> 00:21:39,685
And he went, "Oh, I just found that
under my seat."

472
00:21:39,685 --> 00:21:42,606
LAUGHTER

473
00:21:48,086 --> 00:21:51,526
What do you think might be a reason
to visit The Bude Tunnel

474
00:21:51,526 --> 00:21:57,166
in Cornwall, which in 2021 won
the Travellers' Choice Award?

475
00:21:57,166 --> 00:21:59,367
The Bude Tunnel.
You want to get out of Bude?

476
00:21:59,367 --> 00:22:01,487
LAUGHTER

477
00:22:01,487 --> 00:22:03,367
What kind of tunnel is it?
Do we know?

478
00:22:03,367 --> 00:22:05,367
A tiny tunnel?
It is quite tiny.

479
00:22:05,367 --> 00:22:06,567
It's a little, tiny tunnel.

480
00:22:06,567 --> 00:22:09,407
It has its own merchandise shop.
It sells postcards.

481
00:22:09,407 --> 00:22:14,088
It has over 900 five-star
reviews online.

482
00:22:14,088 --> 00:22:15,248
Is it four foot long?

483
00:22:15,248 --> 00:22:16,488
OK, have a look.

484
00:22:16,488 --> 00:22:17,808
This is what it is.

485
00:22:17,808 --> 00:22:19,608
It is a Perspex...

486
00:22:19,608 --> 00:22:21,808
LAUGHTER

487
00:22:21,808 --> 00:22:23,408
This is so British.

488
00:22:23,408 --> 00:22:25,528
It is a Perspex rain tunnel

489
00:22:25,528 --> 00:22:28,248
that connects a supermarket
to its car park.

490
00:22:31,569 --> 00:22:33,529
That is thoughtful, though.

491
00:22:33,529 --> 00:22:35,729
In 2018, they decided
to light it up,

492
00:22:35,729 --> 00:22:39,009
the supermarket, with 100,000
light bulbs...

493
00:22:40,449 --> 00:22:41,849
..and everybody went mad.

494
00:22:41,849 --> 00:22:44,049
It was literally decided as a joke.
It was a joke.

495
00:22:44,049 --> 00:22:45,729
"We're just going to light
the thing up."

496
00:22:45,729 --> 00:22:47,409
Anyway, they eventually,
TripAdvisor,

497
00:22:47,409 --> 00:22:49,890
had to ban people from
adding reviews.

498
00:22:52,130 --> 00:22:53,810
So I thought, "Well, this
is marvellous.

499
00:22:53,810 --> 00:22:54,930
"I've never been to Bude."

500
00:22:54,930 --> 00:22:59,170
So I read a website called Top Ten
Things To Do in Bude, Cornwall.

501
00:22:59,170 --> 00:23:01,210
Number five was visit Devon.

502
00:23:01,210 --> 00:23:03,410
LAUGHTER

503
00:23:07,811 --> 00:23:10,171
Quick Randy Scandi about
military trickery.

504
00:23:10,171 --> 00:23:11,371
There's a great hero,

505
00:23:11,371 --> 00:23:14,291
a Danish hero called Tordenskjold,
which means Thunder Shield.

506
00:23:14,291 --> 00:23:17,491
He was born Peter Wessel in 1690.

507
00:23:17,491 --> 00:23:18,891
He looks a mean so and so.

508
00:23:18,891 --> 00:23:21,732
Oh, doesn't like having his picture
painted, does he? No!

509
00:23:21,732 --> 00:23:23,172
"I'm in a hurry!"

510
00:23:23,172 --> 00:23:26,372
Do you think he's actually standing
behind that suit of armour?

511
00:23:28,972 --> 00:23:30,132
There's a mythical story -

512
00:23:30,132 --> 00:23:31,452
I don't know if it's true or not -

513
00:23:31,452 --> 00:23:33,332
that he once tricked the Swedes
into thinking

514
00:23:33,332 --> 00:23:36,172
that there was a huge force in
a town called Marstrand

515
00:23:36,172 --> 00:23:37,853
and that he caused them
to surrender.

516
00:23:37,853 --> 00:23:40,173
And what he did, he just basically
passed the same troops

517
00:23:40,173 --> 00:23:41,973
in and out of the town square,
day and night,

518
00:23:41,973 --> 00:23:43,053
over and over again.

519
00:23:43,053 --> 00:23:46,653
And they overestimated how many
soldiers were actually there.

520
00:23:46,653 --> 00:23:49,173
And it's called Tordenskjold
Soldater.

521
00:23:49,173 --> 00:23:51,013
It was a Danish army in Sweden?

522
00:23:51,013 --> 00:23:53,173
Yeah, we've had a lot of trouble
internally.

523
00:23:53,173 --> 00:23:55,654
Oh! Oh! OK. Oh, OK.

524
00:23:55,654 --> 00:23:57,574
I was going to ask a question,
but...

525
00:23:57,574 --> 00:23:58,694
What?

526
00:23:58,694 --> 00:23:59,894
No, no, I was just...

527
00:23:59,894 --> 00:24:01,334
No, it's a wrong question.
Come on.

528
00:24:01,334 --> 00:24:02,734
Well... It's... You...

529
00:24:02,734 --> 00:24:03,934
I love a wrong question.

530
00:24:03,934 --> 00:24:05,894
I wasn't sure how they could tell
the difference

531
00:24:05,894 --> 00:24:07,894
between the Danish and the Swedes.
Oh!

532
00:24:08,934 --> 00:24:11,214
Finally, someone said it!

533
00:24:13,295 --> 00:24:15,135
Sandi, Sandi, I'll take this.

534
00:24:22,175 --> 00:24:23,935
Alan, stay out of it, OK?

535
00:24:23,935 --> 00:24:25,575
It's between me and Sandi.

536
00:24:25,575 --> 00:24:27,255
JIMMY LAUGHS

537
00:24:27,255 --> 00:24:28,736
Go on, Sandi. Stand up.

538
00:24:28,736 --> 00:24:30,616
LAUGHTER

539
00:24:38,176 --> 00:24:40,496
Well, we know who's losing, anyway.

540
00:24:40,496 --> 00:24:44,576
JIMMY LAUGHS

541
00:24:44,576 --> 00:24:47,417
Where are you more likely to get
a good tip, my beloved Denmark

542
00:24:47,417 --> 00:24:49,417
or South Sudan?

543
00:24:49,417 --> 00:24:51,737
Ooh!
Why would you choose South Sudan?

544
00:24:51,737 --> 00:24:53,177
It must be South Sudan.

545
00:24:53,177 --> 00:24:54,777
Come on!
JOE IMITATES KLAXON

546
00:24:54,777 --> 00:24:57,617
Let's say... I'm going to go with...

547
00:24:57,617 --> 00:24:59,777
..Denmark!
Alan is right.

548
00:24:59,777 --> 00:25:02,458
It's South Sudan. Absolutely right.
Well, he should get a klaxon!

549
00:25:02,458 --> 00:25:03,778
He should get a klaxon!

550
00:25:07,538 --> 00:25:10,898
It's South Sudan. So there's a
really strong correlation

551
00:25:10,898 --> 00:25:12,178
between tipping and bribery.

552
00:25:12,178 --> 00:25:15,818
The more corrupt a country is,
the more people will tip.

553
00:25:15,818 --> 00:25:18,178
And according to the Transparency
International's

554
00:25:18,178 --> 00:25:20,459
2021 Corruption Perception Index,

555
00:25:20,459 --> 00:25:22,019
there's 180 countries rated.

556
00:25:22,019 --> 00:25:24,979
Denmark is the least corrupt.
Aw.

557
00:25:24,979 --> 00:25:27,939
And South Sudan is the most corrupt.

558
00:25:27,939 --> 00:25:30,499
Also, I have to say, tipping
is very uncommon in Denmark.

559
00:25:30,499 --> 00:25:32,179
It's all included in the bill.
Yes.

560
00:25:32,179 --> 00:25:35,460
So how do you show your gratitude
for an exceptional waiter?

561
00:25:35,460 --> 00:25:37,180
You say "that was fine"
and then leave.

562
00:25:37,180 --> 00:25:38,380
No.

563
00:25:39,820 --> 00:25:41,780
Lightly rubbing them
on the nipples.

564
00:25:41,780 --> 00:25:44,020
They rub you, you rub them back.
Yeah.

565
00:25:44,020 --> 00:25:46,180
Tak. Es fantastisk.

566
00:25:46,180 --> 00:25:48,260
Yeah. Oh, very good, darling.

567
00:25:48,260 --> 00:25:50,620
Thank you. I've been practising
my Dansk.

568
00:25:50,620 --> 00:25:51,940
No, that's very good.
Yeah.

569
00:25:51,940 --> 00:25:53,581
That was impressive.
Fantastisk.

570
00:25:53,581 --> 00:25:54,941
Fantastisk, yeah.

571
00:25:54,941 --> 00:25:57,861
I like it, though. I always thought
it sounds like people

572
00:25:57,861 --> 00:26:00,981
who are speaking English - but a
little bit drunk, you know?

573
00:26:00,981 --> 00:26:02,341
Yeah.
Like when you...

574
00:26:02,341 --> 00:26:05,461
Like Danish for thanks for coffee
is just "tak for kaffen".

575
00:26:10,542 --> 00:26:12,942
"There you go. There's 50 quid,
love. Go on."

576
00:26:13,862 --> 00:26:15,462
"Tak for kaffen."

577
00:26:15,462 --> 00:26:17,622
And then things like, you know,
I'm going to...

578
00:26:17,622 --> 00:26:20,182
I'm going now. I'm going to
the shop now.

579
00:26:20,182 --> 00:26:21,782
It is.
It is like that.

580
00:26:21,782 --> 00:26:24,182
I'm going to the shop now to get us
a couple of bit of cheese.

581
00:26:24,182 --> 00:26:25,582
Do you want a bit of cheese?

582
00:26:26,983 --> 00:26:29,183
Might get a bit of cheese. Do you
want a bit of coffee?

583
00:26:29,183 --> 00:26:30,663
A bit of coffee?

584
00:26:30,663 --> 00:26:32,223
We're very chilled.

585
00:26:32,223 --> 00:26:34,183
Very, very chilled.

586
00:26:34,183 --> 00:26:35,743
Do you remember on the horse racing,

587
00:26:35,743 --> 00:26:37,943
they used to have a Citroen
with a camera on the roof,

588
00:26:37,943 --> 00:26:39,863
driving alongside?
Yes! Yes!

589
00:26:39,863 --> 00:26:41,863
It's like early GoPro, isn't it?

590
00:26:41,863 --> 00:26:44,784
Yeah, really early GoPro.
You need a Citroen.

591
00:26:44,784 --> 00:26:48,184
Just driving alongside the horses.

592
00:26:48,184 --> 00:26:50,344
There had to be a bloke
on the top as well.

593
00:26:52,184 --> 00:26:54,984
Absolute health and safety
disaster now.

594
00:26:54,984 --> 00:26:57,344
There's not a cat in hell's chance
they'd let someone...

595
00:26:57,344 --> 00:26:59,385
"It's all right, I'll go on the roof
with it!"

596
00:26:59,385 --> 00:27:01,185
They probably started out
the window.

597
00:27:01,185 --> 00:27:03,585
"It's terrible out the window!
I'm too low!

598
00:27:03,585 --> 00:27:05,065
"We're going to put it on the roof!"

599
00:27:05,065 --> 00:27:06,705
"Are you fucking mad?!

600
00:27:06,705 --> 00:27:09,665
"It's not even a proper road,
it's a horse track!"

601
00:27:11,385 --> 00:27:13,705
"They go fast, you know?
They're doing 40-odd.

602
00:27:13,705 --> 00:27:14,905
"It'll be fine!

603
00:27:14,905 --> 00:27:16,466
"Holy shit!"

604
00:27:17,866 --> 00:27:21,386
They must have had a couple of
them just go, "Ah!"

605
00:27:21,386 --> 00:27:23,586
Why would you not just sit on
a horse with a camera.

606
00:27:23,586 --> 00:27:27,106
Oh, yes. That's so easy, Greg.
Come on! Yeah, yeah.

607
00:27:27,106 --> 00:27:28,946
The cameras are the size of
the horse!

608
00:27:28,946 --> 00:27:30,186
Put it on its head!

609
00:27:30,186 --> 00:27:32,987
Strap it to its head!
Strap it to the horse's head!

610
00:27:32,987 --> 00:27:35,187
LAUGHTER

611
00:27:35,187 --> 00:27:38,867
He's then got to keep up with
purebred racehorses!

612
00:27:38,867 --> 00:27:42,187
This poor bastard carrying a camera
and a man.

613
00:27:42,187 --> 00:27:44,427
I'm just offering solutions!
I like that, Greg.

614
00:27:44,427 --> 00:27:45,987
The car was a better idea!

615
00:27:45,987 --> 00:27:47,667
The car was a good idea!

616
00:27:47,667 --> 00:27:49,668
It was just profoundly unsafe.

617
00:27:49,668 --> 00:27:52,188
Like, insanely, madly unsafe!

618
00:27:52,188 --> 00:27:53,988
Inevitably, the driver was pissed.

619
00:27:53,988 --> 00:27:55,188
Everyone always...

620
00:27:56,188 --> 00:27:59,028
Any races after lunch,
the driver's drunk.

621
00:27:59,028 --> 00:28:00,668
Everyone was drunk.

622
00:28:00,668 --> 00:28:03,468
Greg, in the '70s, all the time!

623
00:28:05,188 --> 00:28:06,549
Another solution.

624
00:28:06,549 --> 00:28:09,509
Put another jockey on the back of
the original horse

625
00:28:09,509 --> 00:28:11,989
who's trained in horses. Train them
up as a camera operator.

626
00:28:11,989 --> 00:28:13,789
They're filming behind on
the other horse,

627
00:28:13,789 --> 00:28:15,669
and that is your solution.
That's a good idea.

628
00:28:15,669 --> 00:28:18,189
But what if the horse with the
camera gets ahead of himself?

629
00:28:18,189 --> 00:28:19,349
Yeah.

630
00:28:19,349 --> 00:28:20,949
He sees the finishing line
and thinks,

631
00:28:20,949 --> 00:28:22,349
"I can have this!"

632
00:28:24,310 --> 00:28:27,230
And then all you see on TV
is just an empty screen.

633
00:28:28,830 --> 00:28:31,110
As he moves away from the horse.

634
00:28:31,110 --> 00:28:33,510
"Jesus Christ, he's good!
Look at the speed of him!

635
00:28:33,510 --> 00:28:34,950
"He's filming it and everything!"

636
00:28:34,950 --> 00:28:37,790
What you need to understand, Greg,
is he's waited 50 years

637
00:28:37,790 --> 00:28:39,550
to get this off his chest.

638
00:28:39,550 --> 00:28:42,031
APPLAUSE