1 00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:28,400 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:37,440 Good evening! Merry Christmas, glaedelig jul, and welcome to QI. 3 00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:40,640 Tonight, we are unwrapping the Yuletide edition 4 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:43,040 with the unfailingly jolly Jo Brand. 5 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:47,760 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 6 00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:50,600 The unflappably festive Eshaan Akbar. 7 00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:54,560 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 8 00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:57,800 The uncompromisingly jingly Jimmy Carr. 9 00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:01,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:06,080 And the uproariously unsteady uncle, Alan Davies. 11 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:09,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 12 00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:15,520 And now, let's hear their jingle bells. Jo goes... 13 00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:18,520 # All I want... # 14 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:19,760 Eshaan goes... 15 00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:24,000 # For Christmas... # 16 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:25,040 Jimmy goes... 17 00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:28,680 # Is... # 18 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:29,720 And Alan goes... 19 00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:32,240 THE CHIPMUNKS: # Frosty the Snowman... # 20 00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:35,040 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 21 00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:37,280 Let's have a look at my first Christmas card. 22 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:39,520 Where can you find Santa Claus these days? 23 00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:43,440 Is it the kind of kink section of sex shops? 24 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:45,600 LAUGHTER 25 00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:48,400 Next question, please. 26 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,600 What do you mean, the kink section? 27 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:53,480 The whole thing is a kink. 28 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:57,360 Well, five years ago... Yes. ..my girlfriend at the time... Yeah. 29 00:01:57,360 --> 00:01:59,880 ..she wanted me to dress up as Santa. It was around Christmas. 30 00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:03,040 She wanted me to give her a big gift. 31 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,600 She wanted, presumably, to empty your sack. 32 00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:07,200 LAUGHTER AND GROANING 33 00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:10,760 Exactly what happened. Writes itself. Precisely that. 34 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:12,600 Santa's little helper. 35 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:14,080 Oh! 36 00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:15,520 LAUGHTER 37 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:17,720 But you don't have to go to a sex shop for that, darling. 38 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:20,520 It's just available in a party shop. 39 00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:22,520 I found that out afterwards 40 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:26,400 because the woman at the counter had no idea what I was talking about. 41 00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:28,520 So then I did go to a party shop. Right. 42 00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:31,800 Bought a Santa outfit, which didn't fit. 43 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:36,440 It was too small. That feels like a red flag. It does. 44 00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:37,840 My mother, who is now 92, 45 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:42,920 she once accidentally went into a sex shop in New York thinking... 46 00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:44,640 Accidentally? Sure. 47 00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:47,280 She told me anyway. I said, "What was it like, Mum?" 48 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:49,320 She said, "I had a very interesting conversation 49 00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:51,520 "about knitting your own chainmail." 50 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:56,800 LAUGHTER 51 00:02:56,800 --> 00:03:00,560 Anyway. So, no, not a sex shop. Oh. No. Lapland. 52 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,240 Lapland is not correct. 53 00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:07,480 Lapland is the name of a strip club I once "accidentally" walked into. 54 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:09,440 Imagine if you book to take your children 55 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:12,600 and that's where you end up. "Here already?" 56 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:17,200 I once saw one of the best names of strip clubs of all time. 57 00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:20,840 There's one in Florida called The Booby Trap. Oh, that's good. 58 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:25,600 I had a friend who was in Amsterdam and he ran out of money 59 00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,720 and he saw an ad outside a club saying, 60 00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:32,400 "Live sex shows," looking for staff to do the live show. 61 00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:34,520 So he thought, "Right." 62 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:36,600 And so off he went in there and went, 63 00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:38,240 "I've come to do the live sex show." 64 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:41,640 And they went, "You need to bring a partner." 65 00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:43,960 LAUGHTER 66 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,800 I mean, you tell someone something in confidence... 67 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:49,640 LAUGHTER 68 00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:51,240 I'm so innocent. What do I know? 69 00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:54,160 I'm still actually talking about the real Santa Claus, so... 70 00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:56,120 Where would you find real Santa Claus? 71 00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:57,640 Yes, who's the real Santa Claus? 72 00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:00,400 Do you mean the original? Yes, the original. Saint Nick. 73 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:03,040 Saint Nick. Thank you very much. Saint Nicholas. 74 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:05,080 What country was he originally from? 75 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:07,120 Turkey. Yes, modern day Turkey. 76 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:11,200 He was a fourth century Roman bishop. We are in the town of Myra 77 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:13,600 and they decided they need a new bishop. And he was a priest. 78 00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:16,600 And they said, "We'll have the first priest that comes through the door." 79 00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:19,280 And he came through and went, "Hello." And that literally... 80 00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:22,800 Accidentally became Santa Claus. 81 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:25,480 What year was this? Fourth century. OK. 82 00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:28,240 And some people claim that they know where he is 83 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:30,760 because they've got his relics. But it's a bit confusing, 84 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:32,600 because they are sort of all over the place. 85 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:36,080 So his tomb was raided in the year 1087. 86 00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:39,040 JIMMY GASPS Lara Croft. Yes. It was Lara Croft. 87 00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:42,800 Yes. His bones were moved to a basilica in Bari in Italy. 88 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:47,440 I thought you were going to say Barry in South Wales. 89 00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:51,480 WELSH ACCENT: "There's only a little piece of him in Barry. 90 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:54,800 "The very top of his head." 91 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:57,240 It could be because they didn't manage to take all the bones. 92 00:04:57,240 --> 00:05:00,160 We don't really know. There's a number of pelvic fragments 93 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:03,000 that were taken a decade or so later and held in Venice. 94 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:07,680 There's still... There's about 500 bits and pieces of bone in total 95 00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:10,880 because, famously, a sailor - and this is all we know about him - 96 00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:15,800 called Matteo stepped on them while they were drying. 97 00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:19,920 He's gone down in history as the guy who broke Father Christmas. 98 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,520 Anyway, we've got a sort of skeleton that shows... 99 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:25,000 If you boys can pick it up, it's just down there between you. 100 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:29,680 But it sort of shows where he is all over the world. 101 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:32,920 I always wondered what happened to Stephen Fry. There he is. 102 00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:35,240 LAUGHTER 103 00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:37,000 Bits in Italy, bits in the Netherlands, 104 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:39,680 bits in the United States. That's him all over, frankly. 105 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:41,440 He's literally everywhere. 106 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:44,760 But there is an anatomy professor at the University of Bari, 107 00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:46,080 the one in Italy, 108 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:48,520 who thinks that the Bari and the Venetian collections 109 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:51,160 are complementary and make up a whole skeleton. 110 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:55,600 LAUGHTER 111 00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:03,560 Pieces of him all over the world. There's bits... 112 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:06,240 There's nothing in there. 113 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:09,800 Bits in Denmark and so on. But the Turks say he's still in Turkey. 114 00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:11,840 So the truth is that we don't really know. 115 00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:14,800 Where are the bits in Denmark? Yes... At your place? 116 00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:16,960 LAUGHTER 117 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,440 Actually, lots of the stories about him are very weird. 118 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:23,560 He's said to have, one point, to have resurrected three children 119 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:25,120 who had been pickled in brine 120 00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:29,600 and were about to be eaten as pork during a famine. What?! 121 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:31,880 I mean, I've done a bit of first aid training, 122 00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:34,040 I can do the Heimlich kind of stuff. Yeah. 123 00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:36,800 But once someone's been brined... Yeah. 124 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:39,080 Really, they say probably best just to leave it. 125 00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:41,040 Also, you said you did the Heimlich, 126 00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:43,880 but that was the wrong thing to do for the Heimlich. 127 00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:48,320 Oh, that bit, OK. Yeah. Not that bit. Yeah. 128 00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:51,720 That's Stayin' Alive. Yeah. That's your Heimlich. 129 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:56,480 Jo, if anything happens to you during the show, go that way. Go... 130 00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:58,640 There's a pelvis piece in the United States. 131 00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:01,440 It is apparently exactly the right age for Saint Nick. 132 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:04,120 It was bought in France by a Father Dennis O'Neill 133 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:06,440 and he kept it at his church in Chicago. 134 00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:09,800 He believes it was sold by a group of nuns called the Poor Clares. 135 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:13,800 Oh, bottom left is an absolute come on. 136 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:15,240 LAUGHTER 137 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:18,320 She's the poorest of the Clares. Yeah. 138 00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:21,720 She's holding her book... The wrong way round! 139 00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:24,160 She can't read. 140 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:27,560 She's... She's gone to sleep. Is this a jury? 141 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:29,480 LAUGHTER 142 00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:33,080 It's a very early take on Blankety Blank. 143 00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:36,400 Bottom left's my favourite. I notice as well 144 00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:39,400 there was a bit in Scotland on the map... Yeah. 145 00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:42,600 Where's that, like a takeaway or something? 146 00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:44,120 Aberdeen, apparently. 147 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:47,560 If you do go - for example, to Aberdeen to see the relic - 148 00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:49,480 his bones ooze myrrh. 149 00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:54,600 It's known as Nicholas's miraculous seepage. 150 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:59,200 Don't even start, Eshaan. Don't even start. 151 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:02,880 I actually... I had to be smuggled out of a comedy club in Aberdeen... 152 00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:05,920 What, for miraculous seepage? 153 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:08,040 No, the reckless seepage was onstage. 154 00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:10,480 That's why I was smuggled out. 155 00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:14,520 In 1925, they tested some of the myrrh and it was found to be water. 156 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:16,000 Oh! 157 00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:18,120 Santa's body has been stolen many times. 158 00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:21,520 I guess that's why he's called Saint Nick. JO: Hey! 159 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,640 APPLAUSE 160 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:25,800 JIMMY: That's what we do. 161 00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:29,520 SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE 162 00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:34,600 I'm Sandi and I'm 35 foot tall at Christmas. Why is that? 163 00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:36,600 # Is... # Yes. 164 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,360 Did you get your wish? 165 00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:40,960 LAUGHTER 166 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:50,000 I'd love to be tall for a day. 167 00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:55,040 What would you do if you were tall for a day? Look down on everybody. 168 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,880 You'd be a long way away from your dinner. 169 00:08:57,880 --> 00:08:59,960 LAUGHTER 170 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:04,400 Be better off having everything a bit nearer. OK. 171 00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:06,120 If you fall over, it's serious. 172 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:08,240 Like, if YOU fall over? Meh. Yeah, no. 173 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:10,040 LAUGHTER 174 00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:12,920 So we are in Florida. We're in West Palm Beach. 175 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,400 Is it a tree? 176 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:18,040 It is a kind of Christmas tree made out of...? Made out of sand? 177 00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:20,200 Yes. You see? Yes, it's made... 178 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:22,760 There was a clue in there, wasn't there? 179 00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:26,200 It's made out of 700 tonnes of sand. 180 00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:28,880 Wow. That's a shit tree. 181 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:31,120 LAUGHTER 182 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:34,400 You don't like it? No, what is that? Well... 183 00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:38,200 I can't wait for a kid to come over and just kick it over. 184 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:41,480 Yeah, you need to be a 35-foot-tall person to take that home. 185 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:43,000 It's kind of missing a dad 186 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:46,000 with his head poking out of the top, isn't it? 187 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,680 There are trees made out of all sorts of things all over the world. 188 00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:50,760 Filey, which is a fishing town in North Yorkshire, 189 00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:53,920 they build their tree out of 140 lobster pots. 190 00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:55,560 Northville, Michigan - I love this one - 191 00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:59,640 2021, a local dentist put up a 16-foot-tall tree 192 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:04,960 made out of 1,111 foot-long fake teeth. 193 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:06,960 I know. Chandler, Arizona. 194 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:10,680 They've erected a tree made of tumbleweed every year since 1957. 195 00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:12,800 And anybody ever seen a singing Christmas tree 196 00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:14,920 which is made out of people? They do, like, choirs, 197 00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:17,880 stacked on top of each other in a sort of triangle. Alive people? 198 00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:20,120 Real. Real, yes. 199 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,200 A pile of corpses. 200 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,040 LAUGHTER 201 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,680 "Merry Christmas, everyone." 202 00:10:26,680 --> 00:10:29,680 No, it can be up to 15 rows high with about 300 people singing. 203 00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:33,040 Really? The bottom must be very strenuous. 204 00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:35,960 I... I think there's a platform. 205 00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:39,840 Oh, thank God. It would be fun, though, wouldn't it, 206 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,520 if you had, like, really skinny, weedy people at the bottom, 207 00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:45,400 then a really fat person on top. 208 00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:48,960 I'm going to do that outside my house. 209 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:52,720 Quick extra question. Why might you decorate your tree with urine? 210 00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:57,240 Can I just say that "decorate" is a rather odd... 211 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,440 LAUGHTER 212 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:05,600 Well, you know, I suppose my dog did "decorate" our duvet with diarrhoea. 213 00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:08,520 Does it look a bit, like, tinselly? 214 00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:12,320 What, like... Like it's glistening? 215 00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:14,080 Like a golden shower. 216 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:16,440 AUDIENCE: Oh! 217 00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:20,520 Do you know, there's a whole side to your life that I had no idea... 218 00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:23,560 He's very open, though, isn't he? It's good, isn't it? 219 00:11:23,560 --> 00:11:26,160 I'm just imagining if you've got, like, a stream of wee... Yes. 220 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:30,400 ..and you froze it, it would look like tinsel, like gold tinsel. 221 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:32,320 And that man there with the golden... 222 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:35,200 That look like it could be glistening piss. 223 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,000 On his head. 224 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,480 I'm so sorry, Dad. 225 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,360 LAUGHTER 226 00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:42,600 Territorial, so it's your tree? 227 00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:45,280 Yes. Yes. So people know it's your tree. So you piss on it 228 00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:48,520 so the neighbours can't steal it. OK. 229 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:52,680 Is that...? So... "That's my piss on that, give it back." 230 00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:56,320 It stops the cat climbing up it! I... No. 231 00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:58,080 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 232 00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:02,520 Some people... I'm going to give you a point for enthusiasm. 233 00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:05,960 Take a run at the tree. Yeah, baah! 234 00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:10,000 Make it smell lovely? No, quite the reverse. So why would you... 235 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,160 It smells horrible? It smells horrible. 236 00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:16,160 So then what would it stop people doing? Coming round. Shitting on it. 237 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:21,120 LAUGHTER 238 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:26,200 "I can't shit on this, someone's already pissed on it." 239 00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:29,840 OK, so is this to stop people stealing... Stealing the presents! 240 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:31,360 Yes. Two points to Jimmy. 241 00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:35,880 Stop people stealing the tree is absolutely correct. 242 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:40,240 No. No. I'm not having that. Yeah. I knew that. I knew that. 243 00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:44,440 How can my piss tinsel be more ridiculous than that? 244 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:47,040 I'm not having that. Well, you just said piss tinsel. 245 00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:49,480 I feel like you've answered your own question there. 246 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:52,640 We are back in the United States, University of Nebraska-Lincoln. 247 00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:55,360 They had a real problem with people stealing fir trees. 248 00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:57,600 Oh, in America? In America, yes. 249 00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,120 LAUGHTER 250 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:01,360 So they would decorate the campus with fir trees 251 00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:04,680 and people would steal them. But if you put urine on them, 252 00:13:04,680 --> 00:13:06,360 the smell is unnoticeable 253 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:08,720 when it's outside because it's frozen outside. 254 00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:10,760 It's very cold in Nebraska in the winter, 255 00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:13,440 but if you took it inside, it would stink. 256 00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:16,880 And that apparently was sufficient to deter people, 257 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,320 also helped by the fact that they put up warning signs 258 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:22,280 that that's what they'd done. Sorry, who's... 259 00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:24,480 Who was... Who had the job... 260 00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:27,920 Yeah. He's a senior member of staff who's been caught with his dick out 261 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:31,360 and he's gone, "Oh, I'll tell you what I'm doing, actually, 262 00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:34,280 "funny you should mention it, we had a..." 263 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:36,240 He's a fast thinker. 264 00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:40,080 Yeah. The guy's a professor and a perv. 265 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:42,840 Washington State University uses skunk scent, 266 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:44,840 and I don't know where they get that from. 267 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:48,240 Skunks. He's right, you know. 268 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:49,680 Two points. 269 00:13:49,680 --> 00:13:53,200 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 270 00:13:56,280 --> 00:14:01,400 Right, moving on. Why did Osborne go cold turkey at Christmas? 271 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:04,520 George Osborne? I didn't say that. I just said Osborne. 272 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:07,880 Oh. It's to do with... To do with turkeys? 273 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:09,840 It is to do food... Cold? Cold food. 274 00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:12,120 We're not talking about either of these two Osbornes. 275 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:14,600 Osborne House? Osborne House. In the Isle of Wight? Yes. 276 00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:17,000 No. Is it really? Yes. Yes. 277 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:21,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 278 00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:23,800 Really? 279 00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:27,640 Osborne House belonged to whom? Who went there? Queen Victoria? 280 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:30,600 Yes. Queen Victoria. Sorry. 281 00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:33,080 So here's the problem, the kitchen was too small. 282 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:36,720 So in 1894, she had 18 items on her festive menu. 283 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:39,120 But all of the dishes were cooked at Windsor Castle. 284 00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:41,640 And what they did was, they put it on a train to the coast 285 00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:45,400 and then onto the Royal Yacht, and they took it to the Isle of Wight. 286 00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:47,920 And it took more than three hours to get from Windsor Castle 287 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:51,320 to the Isle of Wight. Now, can you imagine the extraordinary menu? 288 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:53,800 Foie gras encased in a giant pork pie. 289 00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:55,680 Which I think just sounds disgusting. 290 00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:58,640 Oh, it sounds brilliant. 291 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:02,400 Pheasant in macaroni cheese and tomato sauce. 292 00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:04,080 AUDIENCE: Oh! ESHAAN: Yes, please. 293 00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:06,160 It's a mixed house on that one, I think. 294 00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:09,280 Yeah. That was a bit Marmite. Calf's head soup. Ew. 295 00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:14,120 Yeah. Calf's head soup? On a train? Yeah. 296 00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:16,400 LAUGHTER 297 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:22,560 "Tickets, please." They serve you this soup 298 00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:26,600 and then suddenly it just came out... 299 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:29,240 Pheasant in macaroni cheese and tomato sauce. 300 00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:33,800 And the pheasant's dead, yeah? Well, it had been pureed, 301 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:38,440 so I hope so. I mean, it doesn't sound...any of it sounds good. 302 00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:41,040 There were 18 items, but they were all substantial. 303 00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:45,160 It was big stuff, you know. When was Gaviscon invented? 304 00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:47,000 That very week. 305 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:48,560 Came on another boat. 306 00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:51,480 Even in my time, it would have been kaolin and morphine, 307 00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:53,040 is what you would have taken. 308 00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:55,320 You would have taken a chalk-based morphine thing 309 00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:58,920 and everybody would have felt... Sorry, when were you born? 310 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:02,400 When I was a nurse, in the - ahem - '70s, 311 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:05,160 I worked on the drug unit for a bit and what people would do - 312 00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:07,360 this is why they stopped doing kaolin and morphine - 313 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:10,880 was they would...because the morphine rises to the top, 314 00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:13,040 so you get a layer of morphine. 315 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:16,920 So they'd just...the top layer and they wouldn't have to buy any. 316 00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:19,360 No, the trick with kaolin and morphine is to let it settle 317 00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:21,080 and let all the chalky shit go to the bottom 318 00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:22,440 and just take the bit off the top. 319 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,720 I mean, I imagine that's how it works. 320 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:26,640 LAUGHTER 321 00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:30,160 What do you think Japanese people tend to eat for their Christmas? 322 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:32,640 KFC. KFC, yeah. I've been to Japan. 323 00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:35,280 They're, like, crazy for it. Can't get KFC on Christmas Day. 324 00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:37,680 You have to book ahead. People order in advance. Yeah. 325 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:39,120 So it is an unofficial holiday. 326 00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:42,400 Only about 1% of the population is Christian. But in the 1970s, 327 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:46,280 Takeshi Okawara, who was the manager of the country's very first KFC, 328 00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:47,400 he thought it might be nice 329 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:49,360 for people to have it as a celebratory dinner. 330 00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:53,200 And by 2020, an estimated 3.6 million households in Japan 331 00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:55,240 had KFC for Christmas. 332 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:58,520 A friend of mine went to Japan at Christmas time 333 00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:02,840 quite a long time ago, and they had a huge inflatable Santa 334 00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:06,480 on the front of a department store. 335 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:10,600 They just got it slightly wrong because it was crucified on a cross. 336 00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:13,480 LAUGHTER 337 00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:22,760 I grew up in New York and we had many Jewish friends 338 00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:24,800 and they often had Chinese at Christmas, 339 00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:28,800 which is one of those just curious things about... Food? Chinese food. 340 00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:30,320 LAUGHTER 341 00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:33,360 Weren't they the only restaurants that were open on Christmas Day? 342 00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:34,640 So the only ones that were open, 343 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,000 but also, we're talking about in the 19th century, 344 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,520 people immigrating in, so the Jewish and the Chinese 345 00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:41,800 pretty much moved into the same sort of neighbourhoods 346 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:43,360 because it's what they could afford. 347 00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:45,040 And the Chinese were not anti-Semitic 348 00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:46,480 because it never occurred to them. 349 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:48,240 They didn't even know it was a thing. 350 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:52,120 And for a lot of Jewish people, it was sort of easier to keep kosher 351 00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:55,440 because the Chinese, on the whole, didn't mix meat and dairy. 352 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:58,560 Right, what was the most unbelievable thing 353 00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:00,960 ever broadcast on Christmas Eve? 354 00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:02,400 Was it QI? 355 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:03,880 KLAXON 356 00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:06,800 CHEERING 357 00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:15,360 Well, there was a story about, like, a virgin having a child. 358 00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:16,720 Really? Which seems... 359 00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:19,400 LAUGHTER 360 00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:21,120 It is to do with religion. 361 00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:23,840 Anybody know who the patron saint of television is? 362 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:26,680 Yes. Gyles Brandreth. No... 363 00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:29,760 LAUGHTER 364 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,920 You did know Osborne House, darling. Yeah, I'll shut up now. 365 00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:37,360 A friend of mine bought me a little glow in the dark model 366 00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:39,720 of the patron saint of television as a present. 367 00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:42,440 I can't remember her name. You're absolutely right, it's a woman. 368 00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:44,840 Is it Theresa. No... Close? 369 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:48,040 Alison Hammond. 370 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:49,400 Catherine? 371 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:51,560 C... C... Clare? 372 00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:53,840 LAUGHTER 373 00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:58,080 # Frosty... # Clare. Yes. 374 00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:01,560 It's St Clare of Assisi. She's the patron saint of television 375 00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:03,760 because of this extraordinary thing that happened. 376 00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:07,160 So she was born to very wealthy parents, 1194. 377 00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:09,400 So she's a contemporary of Francis of Assisi. 378 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,560 And she just hero-worshipped him. 379 00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:13,680 And she founded the Order of Poor Ladies, 380 00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:15,080 which is the Poor Clares 381 00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,560 that I mentioned when we were talking about the relics. 382 00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:20,760 Anyway, she really took the whole poor thing really seriously. 383 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,000 The Pope offered to say, 384 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:23,720 "Listen, you don't have to be poor the whole time." 385 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:26,320 She went "No, we really want to be poor." 386 00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:29,760 So he granted Privilegium Paupertatis, 387 00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:32,520 which means nobody could force her to have anything. 388 00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:34,080 Francis of Assisi was like that. 389 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,280 I've been to that church in Assisi... So have I. 390 00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:37,800 ..and he lived in a little hut 391 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:40,800 and he said he didn't want any fuss made when he died. 392 00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:45,760 So they kept the hut and then they built an enormous cathedral 393 00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:47,200 around the hut. 394 00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:49,480 So you go in and the hut's still there in the middle. 395 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:52,120 But this is like a sort of teenage hero worship thing 396 00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:54,560 because when she was a teenager, she saw Francis of Assisi 397 00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:56,720 and she was so obsessed, she decided to follow him 398 00:19:56,720 --> 00:20:00,440 for the rest of her life. But as she got older and her health declined, 399 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:03,880 it is said that one Christmas Eve, she was too unwell to attend 400 00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:06,840 Midnight Mass and the Holy Spirit appeared 401 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:10,200 and obligingly projected the entire mass live, 402 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:12,680 full sound and colour, we imagine, 403 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:15,480 on the wall of her convent bedroom. 404 00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:19,280 And as a consequence, she's the patron saint of television. 405 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,560 Is there anything they won't believe? 406 00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:30,840 LAUGHTER 407 00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:32,480 Anyway, moving on. 408 00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:37,160 Why do shepherds not need a watch at Christmas? 409 00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:40,680 Have sheep learned how to tell the time? 410 00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:45,080 The sheep just, like, go clockwise, depending on where the sun is. 411 00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:46,440 And then... 412 00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:48,480 LAUGHTER 413 00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:50,120 Sheep go clockwise? Yeah, yeah. 414 00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:53,280 So sheep go clockwise and then anticlockwise 415 00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:56,080 in the southern hemisphere. Right. Right. And then... 416 00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:57,760 LAUGHTER 417 00:20:57,760 --> 00:20:59,440 Do you mean like a watch-watch? 418 00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:02,240 Or do they need to watch their flocks? 419 00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:05,400 No, it's to do with telling the time. Is it like a solstice thing? 420 00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:09,600 Yes. So it's to do with using a sundial. 421 00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:12,000 A day is always 24 hours long, right? 422 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:15,360 However, time that we measure with sundials is slightly different 423 00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:18,240 depending on where the sun is. Because the Earth is at a tilt 424 00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:21,760 and its orbit around the sun isn't a perfect ellipse, OK, 425 00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:24,240 an ordinary clock day and a day that the sun measures 426 00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:26,080 are slightly different lengths. 427 00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:28,600 In fact, there are only four times of the year 428 00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:30,040 when it is exactly 24 hours - 429 00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:33,880 on 15th April, 30th June, 1st September, 25th December. 430 00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:37,440 But only one of them would be useful for a sundial 431 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:41,440 because it's British Summertime in April, June and September. 432 00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:43,480 It is only on Christmas Day 433 00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:46,320 that the sundial tells the time with perfect accuracy. 434 00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:50,000 But before time was standardised, different towns and cities 435 00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:53,120 across the country would have their own local time. 436 00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:56,040 And it was based on when the sun was highest in the sky for them. 437 00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:58,440 And then the problem was when the railways arrived, 438 00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:03,200 everybody had to catch the train... Are you writing all this down, Jo? 439 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:09,000 I'm going to learn it and go around the country doing lectures. 440 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:12,800 Train schedules are what caused us to have to have universal time. 441 00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:15,080 But there is still a remnant in Oxford of local time. 442 00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:17,880 So the great Tom bell at Christchurch in Oxford... 443 00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:19,720 Tom...? Bell. 444 00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:22,000 LAUGHTER 445 00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:23,600 Rings nine o'clock Oxford time, 446 00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:28,120 exactly five minutes and two seconds AFTER GMT has struck nine o'clock. 447 00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:30,840 So it's still, according to that clock, it's five minutes out... 448 00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:33,320 So everyone's late for the trains there. 449 00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:35,840 Well, have you ever been to the Balmoral Hotel in Edinburgh? 450 00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:38,240 Yes. It's right by Edinburgh Waverley Station. I know it. 451 00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:39,840 They have a big clock on the hotel 452 00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:42,240 and it has always run three minutes ahead 453 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:44,360 so that travellers don't miss their trains. 454 00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:46,560 Yeah, but if you're getting Avanti West Coast, 455 00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:48,160 it's not to going to turn up anyway. 456 00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:50,080 LAUGHTER 457 00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:52,600 In 2020, they decided to take a break with that tradition 458 00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:55,560 and they put on their Facebook post, "For the first time in history, 459 00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:58,240 "our iconic clock will remain on Balmoral Standard Time 460 00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:01,040 "on New Year's Eve, as we would gladly have three minutes less 461 00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:05,160 "of 2020 and be the first to bring in 2021." 462 00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:07,440 I love that. I think that's very good. 463 00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:10,400 When in the year - you won't know this, Eshaan - 464 00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:15,560 when in the year do shepherds watch their flocks by night? 465 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:19,520 When they've got lambs about? Is exactly right. Yes. 466 00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:21,760 So the only time you would watch your flocks at night 467 00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:24,120 is during lambing season and that's one of the reasons 468 00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:27,160 people say Jesus must have been born in the spring - 469 00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:30,040 slightly foxed by the fact that lambing season 470 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:33,480 in first century Palestine was in December. Oh, was it? 471 00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:38,080 I went to Israel once and I saw a goat herder and they use stones. 472 00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:39,600 What, to throw at the goats? 473 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:43,560 If a goat wandered off a bit too far, he had a little pouch 474 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:46,040 and he would throw a stone. Incredibly accurate. 475 00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:51,040 And it hit the thing on the backside and it would come back. 476 00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:54,040 I think it came back because it thought, "Oh, I've gone too far," 477 00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:56,560 and ran back to be in the safety of the herd. 478 00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:59,080 I do that with my husband. 479 00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:00,560 LAUGHTER 480 00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:04,600 The accuracy of that is meant to be the story of David and Goliath. 481 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:07,480 It's meant to be, well, of course, David beat Goliath... 482 00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:10,960 Because... Goliath was a giant and very sort of ominous-looking, 483 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:12,960 but would have moved very, very slowly. 484 00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:16,320 And David had a slingshot and those guys were so accurate. 485 00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:18,480 Well, presumably been rounding up goats. 486 00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:23,640 Yeah. Right, Christmas Day is when sundials have the best time. 487 00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:24,720 Ha-ha! 488 00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:27,760 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 489 00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:32,920 Wonderful. Wonderful. 490 00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:35,320 OK, try this on for size. 491 00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:38,240 Why would you have a horse at the Christmas party? 492 00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:40,360 You've got the French coming? 493 00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:42,160 LAUGHTER 494 00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:46,160 Wow. I loved it. Need to make some nibbles. 495 00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:48,120 For fun? For fun? 496 00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:49,920 Well, we're back in the United States. 497 00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:53,080 We are in the 1910s, 1920s, 498 00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:56,440 and the Christmas party's held specifically for horses. 499 00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:59,560 Oh, the party was for the horses? It was for the horse, yeah, yeah. 500 00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:01,560 Look, there they are, having a Christmas party. 501 00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:05,680 Why might you do that? To confuse the horse? 502 00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:09,600 It seems very odd. Well... Because how do you have a party for a horse? 503 00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:12,680 How do you know what they like? Apples. Mad for apples. 504 00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:15,400 If you look there, it's the Washington Animal Rescue League, 505 00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:19,120 and the idea was to raise awareness of how hard the horses worked 506 00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:21,960 and make people pay attention. So they gave them carrots and apples. 507 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:24,680 I love how they've got a sign there that says "Free horse dinner", 508 00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:27,800 like they're going to read it. LAUGHTER 509 00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:30,240 There we go. There was a woman called Emma Robinson. 510 00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:33,120 She ran a horse Christmas dinner in Kansas City 511 00:25:33,120 --> 00:25:35,680 from 1910 to her death in 1934. 512 00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:39,240 And she left in her will $10,000 to pay for future parties. 513 00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:43,920 And all of her nieces and nephews got 13,000 between them. Wow. 514 00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:47,160 There's a thing about horses that make them very good party guests. 515 00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:49,840 What do you think it might be? Manure? Big dick. 516 00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:52,520 LAUGHTER 517 00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:56,720 They are, of course, famously hung like themselves. 518 00:25:56,720 --> 00:26:00,200 So here's a curious thing about horses. They don't throw up. 519 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:01,880 That's why I think they make a great guest. 520 00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:03,920 That's what colic is, isn't it? They can't vomit. 521 00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:06,360 They have a muscle that closes the sphincter to stop... 522 00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:10,120 I mean, we have one as well. Ours doesn't work so well. 523 00:26:10,120 --> 00:26:12,400 Yeah. But that thing at New Year's Eve, where people go, 524 00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:14,800 "I really love you." 525 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:18,400 The horse is just going to love you and not vomit on you. 526 00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:21,440 Except they can't do it. It's got to get it out of the other end. Right. 527 00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:23,520 Yeah. Which I think is fine. 528 00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:28,840 So you'd rather someone at a Christmas party shat on you...? 529 00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:31,640 I once felt a bit unwell at a party. 530 00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:34,800 LAUGHTER 531 00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:36,480 So I went to the outside loo 532 00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:39,600 and I was a little bit sick - in the loo, thankfully. 533 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:45,360 And then I went back into the party and they were playing Monopoly. 534 00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:47,440 I said, "When did you start playing Monopoly?" 535 00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:49,920 And then I realised that I had hotels and houses 536 00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:53,040 and all the properties and they said, 537 00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:55,480 "You've been gone for two hours." 538 00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:58,480 LAUGHTER 539 00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:06,400 I mean, it could have been worse. "They moved out 40 years ago!" 540 00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:08,760 There are things that have changed, and quite rightly, 541 00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:10,240 in relation to horses. 542 00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:13,480 In 1881 there was a sharpshooter, a champion rifle shooter 543 00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:17,480 called William Carver in the United States, and he used to open his show 544 00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:20,200 by getting his horse to go diving, OK? 545 00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:24,000 So he got the idea from an incident in Nebraska. 546 00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:26,600 He was riding over a bridge and the bridge collapsed 547 00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:28,920 and threw him and his horse into the water. 548 00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:31,520 And he thought, "What a marvellous idea for a show." 549 00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:35,560 So he decided to do it. And his act was hugely popular 550 00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:38,760 and so popular that other people started to do it. What? No. 551 00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:41,000 Is that real? Yes. This is extraordinary. 552 00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:43,720 This is a woman called Eunice Winkless in Colorado. 553 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:47,520 Where's the water? You can't see it. 554 00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:51,080 I believe that's the... That's the last known photo of Eunice. 555 00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:52,920 LAUGHTER 556 00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:55,560 There was a permanent horse diving platform in Atlantic City... 557 00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:57,520 ..getting the horse going up that ramp. 558 00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:00,680 "No, no, no." 559 00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:04,880 I think, well, they do like a swim. 560 00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:07,280 I remember once being about two miles off the coast 561 00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:08,760 of somewhere like Barbados. 562 00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:11,480 I was in a boat and we just saw this little thing... 563 00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:14,120 What, just a horse going past? A horse, yeah. 564 00:28:14,120 --> 00:28:17,640 And then someone was on the back of it going, "All right?" 565 00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:20,040 Just cooling off, like a really hot day. 566 00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:22,760 They go for miles and apparently, it's incredibly good for them. 567 00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:25,280 Yeah. No, I think... I mean, that isn't. 568 00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:27,240 But also, it must have been a surprise for the horse 569 00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:28,480 because we're pretty sure... 570 00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:30,960 Can you see the bit that's hanging down the wooden platform? 571 00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:33,400 That was up and then they pulled it... That's a blind... Yeah. Yeah. 572 00:28:33,400 --> 00:28:35,840 So the horse didn't even know it was coming. It didn't even... 573 00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:37,640 Oh, that makes it worse. So it's not diving, 574 00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:40,120 it's falling, isn't it? Yes, it's more falling than diving, 575 00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:41,200 if I'm honest with you. 576 00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:44,320 But there was a permanent diving horse platform at Atlantic City 577 00:28:44,320 --> 00:28:46,800 from about the 1920s until the 1970s. 578 00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:49,080 And then... 1970s? Yes. 579 00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:53,480 They tried to open it again in 2012 and people objected. 580 00:28:53,480 --> 00:28:58,040 Oh, what is wrong with people? 581 00:28:58,040 --> 00:28:59,960 PC gone mad. 582 00:28:59,960 --> 00:29:05,160 Animals on platforms suddenly being dropped into water. 583 00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:08,200 I can't believe these "neigh-sayers". 584 00:29:08,200 --> 00:29:10,400 AUDIENCE GROANS THEN CHEERS 585 00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:12,000 JO: Wahey! 586 00:29:14,880 --> 00:29:16,920 OK. Here's a genuine question. 587 00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:20,760 Why do you always have room for unlimited Christmas pudding? 588 00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:23,880 Oh. # Is... # Yes. 589 00:29:23,880 --> 00:29:25,200 Greed. 590 00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:27,800 LAUGHTER 591 00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:32,400 Separate pudding stomach. Is the correct answer. Is it? Yes. 592 00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:36,760 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 593 00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:38,320 We have different appetites. 594 00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:40,200 In fact, we have five different appetites. 595 00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:45,520 So scientists at Oxford University, 1990s, they fed 200 locusts 596 00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:47,800 with meals which contained different proportions 597 00:29:47,800 --> 00:29:49,520 of protein and carbohydrates. 598 00:29:49,520 --> 00:29:52,760 And they found that they ate until they'd got all the protein 599 00:29:52,760 --> 00:29:55,800 that they needed, regardless of what else was in their meal. 600 00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:57,840 So a low-protein, high-carb meal, 601 00:29:57,840 --> 00:30:01,640 they ate lots of it and got very fat. Low-carb, high-protein option, 602 00:30:01,640 --> 00:30:03,600 they ate much less and they lost weight. 603 00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:05,480 And it's exactly the same with human beings. 604 00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:06,800 You never hear that about locusts. 605 00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:09,400 You always hear about locusts... I know, right? ..going on a spree. 606 00:30:09,400 --> 00:30:11,560 Yeah. You never hear about the locusts in the Bible going, 607 00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:16,240 "We've had a little bit of your crop and we've fine now." We're fine now. 608 00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:18,960 The conclusion is that human beings do actually have five appetites. 609 00:30:18,960 --> 00:30:20,280 What are the five appetites? 610 00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:22,680 So it's protein, carbs, fat, sodium and calcium. 611 00:30:22,680 --> 00:30:24,720 What about sexual? 612 00:30:24,720 --> 00:30:29,400 Cos when I get that feeling... Yeah. ..I need sexual healing. 613 00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:33,200 I don't know why that's weird when you say it to me. Yeah. 614 00:30:33,200 --> 00:30:35,760 I don't know why it wouldn't be, Sandi. 615 00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:38,920 Anyway, it explains why when you've had your fill of turkey, 616 00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:41,480 then you've still got room to have some Christmas pudding. 617 00:30:41,480 --> 00:30:44,640 Anybody know why we set the Christmas pudding alight? 618 00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:47,840 Is it to give the fire brigade something to do? Yeah. 619 00:30:47,840 --> 00:30:50,400 You might think there might be something on the outside 620 00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:53,520 you wanted to burn off, or is it sort of something to clean it up 621 00:30:53,520 --> 00:30:55,800 a little bit? It's symbolic. 622 00:30:55,800 --> 00:30:59,320 It's nothing to do with that. No. 623 00:30:59,320 --> 00:31:03,120 It was a good offer, wasn't it? It was a good offer. Very good. 624 00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:05,640 According to Christian tradition, there are 13 ingredients 625 00:31:05,640 --> 00:31:08,680 in a traditional pudding, and they represent Jesus and his apostles. 626 00:31:08,680 --> 00:31:11,960 It's how he would have wanted to be remembered. 627 00:31:11,960 --> 00:31:15,040 The holly on the top represents the crown of thorns, and the fire 628 00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:18,480 represents the passion of Christ. When was brandy invented? 629 00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:20,240 Was it before the pudding or after? 630 00:31:20,240 --> 00:31:24,600 Well, brandy distilled in France from early 1300s, but as a medicine. 631 00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:26,480 A "medicine". 632 00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:29,200 SLURRING: "This medicine's... 633 00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:31,880 "I've spilt it on the pudding." 634 00:31:35,080 --> 00:31:38,240 We had a fire once, when I was a student, we had a fire. 635 00:31:40,640 --> 00:31:44,240 It was Christmas. We had paper decorations and candles 636 00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:47,480 and then a bit of brandy or something, and then something... 637 00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:51,040 One of them caught fire and then very, very quickly, 638 00:31:51,040 --> 00:31:53,120 because they were hanging from the light fitting, 639 00:31:53,120 --> 00:31:55,960 the whole thing was aflame. Oh, my God. There's a lot of smoke. 640 00:31:55,960 --> 00:31:59,280 And then it started to fall on the table on fire. 641 00:31:59,280 --> 00:32:02,800 And then someone got some brandy and threw it on that. 642 00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:04,360 LAUGHTER 643 00:32:04,360 --> 00:32:07,560 And that went, whoomph! And then one of my friends put on 644 00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:10,840 Burning Down The House by Talking Heads. 645 00:32:10,840 --> 00:32:13,400 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 646 00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:20,360 Right, it's time for a blazing row over pointless semantics 647 00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:22,680 or, as we like to call it, general ignorance. 648 00:32:22,680 --> 00:32:24,600 Fingers on buzzers, please. 649 00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:27,880 Who invented the traditional Dickensian Christmas? 650 00:32:27,880 --> 00:32:31,480 # All... # Oh, go. Gyles Brandreth. 651 00:32:31,480 --> 00:32:33,520 LAUGHTER 652 00:32:33,520 --> 00:32:36,280 He was definitely there. Yeah. It's going to be a different writer. 653 00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:38,200 Is it Charles Dickens? 654 00:32:38,200 --> 00:32:41,040 KLAXON AND CHEERING 655 00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:47,440 Sometimes it turns out it is. She just goes, "Yeah, that's right. 656 00:32:47,440 --> 00:32:50,960 "Two points." Yeah. No. So, not even British. 657 00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:52,960 A German one. I bet it's German. 658 00:32:52,960 --> 00:32:57,280 No, it isn't. Dutch. French. 659 00:32:57,280 --> 00:32:59,280 AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: Is it Australian? 660 00:32:59,280 --> 00:33:02,360 LAUGHTER 661 00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:06,400 No. We are crossing the Atlantic. Americans. It is American. 662 00:33:06,400 --> 00:33:09,000 It is the great American author Washington Irving. 663 00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:11,440 So he described what we would now refer to... 664 00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:13,520 ESHAAN LAUGHS 665 00:33:13,520 --> 00:33:15,160 LAUGHTER 666 00:33:15,160 --> 00:33:19,440 Wait a second. I mean, Dickens is hammered. Yeah. 667 00:33:19,440 --> 00:33:23,160 Look at him. He's an absolute disgrace! 668 00:33:23,160 --> 00:33:25,480 ..medicinal brandy. 669 00:33:25,480 --> 00:33:26,880 LAUGHER 670 00:33:26,880 --> 00:33:31,080 He looks a bit like Gonzo from the Muppets. 671 00:33:31,080 --> 00:33:33,080 He was a very odd soul. 672 00:33:33,080 --> 00:33:35,440 But one of his favourite writers was Washington Irving, 673 00:33:35,440 --> 00:33:36,720 who's there on the left. 674 00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:39,160 And he published what we would call a Dickensian Christmas 675 00:33:39,160 --> 00:33:41,400 a quarter of a century before Dickens published 676 00:33:41,400 --> 00:33:42,440 his Christmas Carol. 677 00:33:42,440 --> 00:33:45,280 People think that Charles Dickens' book A Christmas Carol 678 00:33:45,280 --> 00:33:47,560 is the reinvention of the modern British Christmas. 679 00:33:47,560 --> 00:33:49,680 But, in fact, it's Washington Irving's book, 680 00:33:49,680 --> 00:33:54,000 The Sketch Book of Geoffrey Crayon, which was written 1819, 1820. 681 00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:56,480 And he talks about Christmas at this fictional place, 682 00:33:56,480 --> 00:33:59,040 Bracebridge Hall, and he talks about mistletoe and carols 683 00:33:59,040 --> 00:34:01,640 and ghost stories and Christmas dinner with pheasant pie 684 00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:06,000 and plum pudding and a character who is very much like Scrooge. 685 00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:09,000 And he even helped popularise the sort of lovable Saint Nick. 686 00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:12,000 And Charles Dickens was one of Irving's biggest fans, 687 00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:14,720 and he reportedly said, "I do not go to bed two nights out of seven 688 00:34:14,720 --> 00:34:18,320 "without taking Washington Irving under my arm upstairs with me." 689 00:34:18,320 --> 00:34:24,000 So it was, in fact... You doing your own jokes? A little titter. 690 00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:27,560 It got a bit Brokeback Mountain towards the end there. 691 00:34:27,560 --> 00:34:32,400 "I forcibly took an older author with me to bed." 692 00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:33,760 He was very odd, though, Dickens. 693 00:34:33,760 --> 00:34:36,360 When he was touring in the United States, he wrote letters home 694 00:34:36,360 --> 00:34:37,520 saying, "I do hope my ink pot 695 00:34:37,520 --> 00:34:39,800 "is still one inch from the right-hand side of the desk." 696 00:34:39,800 --> 00:34:41,200 I mean, he was slightly obsessive. 697 00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:42,880 He made sure when he slept, he faced north. 698 00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:45,280 He lay straight in the middle of the bed with his arms out, 699 00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:47,040 hands equidistant from the edges. 700 00:34:47,040 --> 00:34:48,520 Why? Why was he...? 701 00:34:48,520 --> 00:34:50,760 He just was obsessed with everything being equal. 702 00:34:50,760 --> 00:34:53,320 And everything had to be measured precisely in his life, 703 00:34:53,320 --> 00:34:55,360 including when he was asleep in the bed. 704 00:34:55,360 --> 00:34:58,560 I imagine you're like that, though, to be fair. 705 00:34:58,560 --> 00:35:01,280 I just think, for a man that wanted everything ordered and equal, 706 00:35:01,280 --> 00:35:03,000 maybe the hair department... 707 00:35:03,000 --> 00:35:06,720 He somehow managed to get all of our haircuts in one there, look. 708 00:35:06,720 --> 00:35:10,080 Yeah. Actually, he suffered from isom...imsom... 709 00:35:10,080 --> 00:35:14,040 He suffered from INS... He couldn't sleep, Sandi! 710 00:35:14,040 --> 00:35:19,600 He couldn't sleep. Cos he had Washington Irving in bed with him. 711 00:35:19,600 --> 00:35:21,360 "I need to be in the middle." 712 00:35:21,360 --> 00:35:24,200 "You brought me up here!" 713 00:35:24,200 --> 00:35:29,080 "Keep your arms on your side! I'm in the middle. 714 00:35:29,080 --> 00:35:32,240 "I have to be." "You're OCD, mate." 715 00:35:32,240 --> 00:35:35,680 "I'm just CD, actually." 716 00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:38,760 The traditional British Christmas was invented by an American. 717 00:35:38,760 --> 00:35:42,520 Time for a root around through the leftover Christmas trimmings. 718 00:35:42,520 --> 00:35:44,360 What would you call these? 719 00:35:44,360 --> 00:35:46,000 Vegetables? 720 00:35:46,000 --> 00:35:48,440 KLAXON AND APPLAUSE 721 00:35:52,560 --> 00:35:55,600 So, botanically speaking, 722 00:35:55,600 --> 00:35:58,200 there is no such thing as a vegetable. 723 00:35:58,200 --> 00:36:02,400 It's... I mean... Oh, God. There is, though. 724 00:36:02,400 --> 00:36:05,080 So... There absolutely is. 725 00:36:05,080 --> 00:36:08,880 No, it's a culinary term for the edible parts of a plant, 726 00:36:08,880 --> 00:36:10,440 the bits that aren't fruit. 727 00:36:10,440 --> 00:36:13,120 Yes, that's what we meant when we said vegetables. Yes. 728 00:36:13,120 --> 00:36:16,280 Oh, the edible vegetable? Yeah. Yes. So if you ask a cook, then, yes. 729 00:36:16,280 --> 00:36:19,720 Well, who else would you be asking? Well, you might ask a botanist. 730 00:36:19,720 --> 00:36:22,560 A botanist would say that carrots are roots, potatoes are tubers, 731 00:36:22,560 --> 00:36:24,880 asparagus are stems, onions are bulbs 732 00:36:24,880 --> 00:36:28,320 and broccolis are inflorescences. 733 00:36:28,320 --> 00:36:32,320 Botanists sound bloody boring, don't they? Jesus. 734 00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:35,360 The botanist on Ocado must be really... Yeah. 735 00:36:35,360 --> 00:36:39,120 "Search - tubers. 736 00:36:39,120 --> 00:36:42,200 "They haven't got anything on this website." 737 00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:45,880 I can hear hundreds of thousands of kids when their mum goes, 738 00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:49,000 "Eat your vegetables." "Botanically speaking..." 739 00:36:49,000 --> 00:36:54,480 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 740 00:36:54,480 --> 00:36:57,360 It gets more complicated if you ask a lawyer, OK? 741 00:36:57,360 --> 00:37:00,600 Which we often would about vegetables. 742 00:37:00,600 --> 00:37:04,160 Botanically, a tomato is a...? Fruit. Fruit. Fruit, yes. 743 00:37:04,160 --> 00:37:06,880 But under United States law, it's both fruit and veg. 744 00:37:06,880 --> 00:37:10,560 So there was a case in 1893 called Nix vs Hedden, 745 00:37:10,560 --> 00:37:12,400 and the US Supreme Court ruled 746 00:37:12,400 --> 00:37:16,280 that tomatoes are vegetables for tax purposes, 747 00:37:16,280 --> 00:37:18,720 but fruit for botanical ones. 748 00:37:18,720 --> 00:37:21,400 And carrot jam, very popular in Portugal... 749 00:37:21,400 --> 00:37:25,600 Carrot jam? Carrot jam, yes. And there are... Sounds euphemistic. 750 00:37:25,600 --> 00:37:28,640 LAUGHTER 751 00:37:28,640 --> 00:37:32,120 It's a Boxing Day job, that one, innit? 752 00:37:32,120 --> 00:37:34,240 "Oh, she was covered in carrot jam." 753 00:37:34,240 --> 00:37:37,480 "Oh, no, carrot jam." 754 00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:42,960 I nearly got carrot jam in my eye once. 755 00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:45,000 LAUGHTER 756 00:37:45,000 --> 00:37:49,360 When it's being made into jam, it's a fruit. OK? Under EU law. 757 00:37:49,360 --> 00:37:51,760 Oh, for Christ's sake. 758 00:37:51,760 --> 00:37:54,280 Everyone knows it's a root. 759 00:37:54,280 --> 00:37:56,480 Lachanophobia, anybody, lachanophobia? 760 00:37:56,480 --> 00:37:57,960 ITALIAN ACCENT: Lachanophobia. 761 00:37:57,960 --> 00:38:00,360 It's when you don't have a phobia. Yeah. 762 00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:03,440 You're Italian with no phobias. No phobias. "I lach-a no-phobia." 763 00:38:03,440 --> 00:38:09,040 "I got no phobias. I lach-a no-phobia." 764 00:38:09,040 --> 00:38:12,200 The fear of vegetables. Lachanophobia. 765 00:38:12,200 --> 00:38:13,880 I mean, it depends if you think... 766 00:38:13,880 --> 00:38:16,280 You've nothing to be afraid of. I know, exactly. 767 00:38:16,280 --> 00:38:18,320 There's no such thing as a vegetable. 768 00:38:18,320 --> 00:38:20,960 That's a "turnip" for the books. Wahey! AUDIENCE: Wahey! 769 00:38:20,960 --> 00:38:25,320 APPLAUSE 770 00:38:25,320 --> 00:38:26,800 After Christmas dinner, 771 00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:30,240 what's the best way to save water when doing the dishes? 772 00:38:30,240 --> 00:38:33,120 Oh, my technique would be to get blackout drunk, 773 00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:35,600 and then someone else will have done them. 774 00:38:35,600 --> 00:38:40,040 Get in the bath with the dishes? OK. 775 00:38:40,040 --> 00:38:41,760 LAUGHTER 776 00:38:41,760 --> 00:38:45,320 I did washing up one summer at the Wimbledon... 777 00:38:45,320 --> 00:38:47,360 The Wimbledon Tennis Championship. 778 00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:50,480 Oh, I thought you just meant that was your only experience. No. 779 00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:54,200 So it was a good job, actually, because you'd sneak out 780 00:38:54,200 --> 00:38:56,760 and watch tennis. But if it rained, 781 00:38:56,760 --> 00:38:59,800 everybody would come back to the tents and the food hall 782 00:38:59,800 --> 00:39:01,600 and it'd be rammed. 783 00:39:01,600 --> 00:39:04,800 And then suddenly there were just thousands of plates and cups 784 00:39:04,800 --> 00:39:07,480 and saucers and you were bent over a sink 785 00:39:07,480 --> 00:39:10,520 and the water was just black with salad floating in it 786 00:39:10,520 --> 00:39:13,280 and you were just dipping plates in and out, in and out. 787 00:39:13,280 --> 00:39:15,440 AUDIENCE GROANS 788 00:39:15,440 --> 00:39:19,640 It was horrendous. But we didn't use much water. 789 00:39:19,640 --> 00:39:24,160 LAUGHTER 790 00:39:24,160 --> 00:39:27,040 So what do we reckon, washing dishes by hand or using a dishwasher? 791 00:39:27,040 --> 00:39:29,480 Washing dishes by hand is better... 792 00:39:29,480 --> 00:39:32,280 KLAXON 793 00:39:34,280 --> 00:39:36,320 # Frosty... # 794 00:39:36,320 --> 00:39:37,760 Dishwasher. 795 00:39:37,760 --> 00:39:40,440 LAUGHTER 796 00:39:44,360 --> 00:39:46,720 The most water-efficient, full-size dishwasher 797 00:39:46,720 --> 00:39:48,760 uses almost ten times less water 798 00:39:48,760 --> 00:39:52,880 to wash the same number of dishes by hand. Wow. I know. 799 00:39:52,880 --> 00:39:55,400 Should you rinse dishes before they go in the dishwasher? 800 00:39:55,400 --> 00:39:59,720 Who gives a...? AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah. Yes. 801 00:39:59,720 --> 00:40:02,920 KLAXON 802 00:40:02,920 --> 00:40:05,640 SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE 803 00:40:05,640 --> 00:40:07,960 So there are enzymes in the dishwasher tablet 804 00:40:07,960 --> 00:40:10,440 and it needs some food to latch onto, 805 00:40:10,440 --> 00:40:12,560 otherwise they basically just get washed away. 806 00:40:12,560 --> 00:40:14,720 So you're not only wasting time and effort and water, 807 00:40:14,720 --> 00:40:17,440 but you're also making for a less effective dishwasher. 808 00:40:17,440 --> 00:40:19,960 So you should scrape the leftovers into the bin, by all means, 809 00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:21,800 but do not rinse any further. 810 00:40:21,800 --> 00:40:26,200 And, finally, which Olympic event was won by a ten-foot woman? 811 00:40:26,200 --> 00:40:27,560 Long jump. 812 00:40:27,560 --> 00:40:28,840 LAUGHTER 813 00:40:28,840 --> 00:40:29,960 No. 814 00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:34,600 So every time there is an Olympics, there is also a Cultural Olympiad. 815 00:40:34,600 --> 00:40:36,800 And in 2010, it was in Vancouver. 816 00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:39,280 The Cultural Olympiad sculpture competition 817 00:40:39,280 --> 00:40:43,160 was an ice carving of a ten-foot woman 818 00:40:43,160 --> 00:40:45,520 leaping over a starburst at the time. 819 00:40:45,520 --> 00:40:48,560 So the clue was in the picture here because it's the Olympic rings 820 00:40:48,560 --> 00:40:50,080 and it's an ice sculpture. 821 00:40:50,080 --> 00:40:53,120 They start with ten blocks of ice, maybe about 300 lbs in weight, 822 00:40:53,120 --> 00:40:55,440 and then they make the basic shape using a chainsaw 823 00:40:55,440 --> 00:40:58,560 and then they add details with chisels and sandpapers and so on. 824 00:40:58,560 --> 00:41:00,920 And the whole process can take about 17 hours. 825 00:41:00,920 --> 00:41:04,120 I mean, surely the sculptors, one by one, they freeze to death 826 00:41:04,120 --> 00:41:06,440 and they have to bring in a new sculptor. 827 00:41:06,440 --> 00:41:08,520 You have to work fairly fast is one of the things. 828 00:41:08,520 --> 00:41:11,280 You also have to know what you're doing with a chainsaw. 829 00:41:11,280 --> 00:41:15,360 And as it happens, that is something that I like to do. 830 00:41:15,360 --> 00:41:17,480 So we thought we'd have a go 831 00:41:17,480 --> 00:41:21,320 at making a QI chainsaw ice sculpture. 832 00:41:21,320 --> 00:41:26,240 Are you trying to get £200 off ITV if something goes hilariously wrong? 833 00:41:26,240 --> 00:41:28,240 Well, there's four of my friends in the audience 834 00:41:28,240 --> 00:41:30,960 who I have been chainsawing with. Do you guys think I can do this? 835 00:41:30,960 --> 00:41:33,360 Where are my chainsaw team? Do you think I can do this? 836 00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:35,720 That one's got a bandage on... 837 00:41:35,720 --> 00:41:39,200 LAUGHTER 838 00:41:39,200 --> 00:41:41,760 "I'm over here." 839 00:41:41,760 --> 00:41:44,080 LAUGHTER 840 00:41:44,080 --> 00:41:45,680 We had a go earlier 841 00:41:45,680 --> 00:41:50,160 to see if I could indeed make an ice sculpture with a chainsaw. 842 00:41:50,160 --> 00:41:52,160 And this is what happened. 843 00:41:56,720 --> 00:42:02,040 MUSIC: Back In Black by AC/DC 844 00:42:41,560 --> 00:42:46,600 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 845 00:42:55,680 --> 00:42:58,240 Like a sequence on Question Of Sport 846 00:42:58,240 --> 00:43:01,960 and at the end you have to guess who the sport... 847 00:43:01,960 --> 00:43:03,400 I had a wonderful teacher in Matt 848 00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:05,760 and I had a wonderful time making it. Shall we have a look 849 00:43:05,760 --> 00:43:10,040 and see the finished article? Yes. Yeah. Come with me. Come with me. 850 00:43:13,000 --> 00:43:16,040 CHEERING 851 00:43:25,840 --> 00:43:29,120 There we are. Do you want to grab some shot glasses here? 852 00:43:29,120 --> 00:43:31,920 I think it's going to come out at that end. What, sorry? 853 00:43:31,920 --> 00:43:35,080 It's going to come out here. I've got vodka. 854 00:43:35,080 --> 00:43:38,680 Normally, we would come to the scores, but it is Christmas, 855 00:43:38,680 --> 00:43:41,320 we have health and happiness, we've got a bottle of vodka 856 00:43:41,320 --> 00:43:43,400 and a QI vodka ice sculpture to drink from, 857 00:43:43,400 --> 00:43:47,120 so I don't really give a damn about the scores. 858 00:43:47,120 --> 00:43:50,120 From Eshaan, Jimmy, Jo, Alan and me, 859 00:43:50,120 --> 00:43:52,880 it's Merry Christmas and bottoms up. Goodnight. Here we go. 860 00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:55,920 CHEERING