1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:08,040 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:25,680 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 3 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:34,800 Good evening and welcome to QI, where tonight 4 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:37,640 we're vacillating between vices and virtues. 5 00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:41,120 There's no peace for the wicked, so let's meet our baddies. 6 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:44,440 The lord of misrule, it's Eshaan Akbar. 7 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:45,600 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 8 00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:50,200 The prince of darkness, it's Rhys James. 9 00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:51,760 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 10 00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:57,080 The queen of the bottomless pit, it's Jo Brand. 11 00:00:57,080 --> 00:00:59,320 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 12 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:01,240 Whatever that means. 13 00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:03,800 Oh, goody two shoes, it's Alan Davies. 14 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:05,640 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 15 00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:11,640 Their buzzers are all vices. 16 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:13,320 Eshaan has sloth. 17 00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:16,440 SNORTING AND SNORING 18 00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:17,880 Wow. 19 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:19,920 Nice. Rhys has anger. 20 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:21,760 YELLING AND BANGING 21 00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:23,360 SCREECHING 22 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:27,160 Jo has lust. 23 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:28,760 LAUGHTER 24 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:31,680 I don't. 25 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:35,840 CREAKING AND EXCITED MOANING 26 00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:40,480 Oh-ho-ho! Oh, very pleasant. 27 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,760 I mean, it sounded more like impaling. 28 00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:46,880 Alan has pride. 29 00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:48,680 Yass, Queen! 30 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:54,640 Let's start with the ultimate in virtue - a saint. 31 00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:57,240 St Valentine, to be precise. 32 00:01:57,240 --> 00:02:00,720 What are the least-romantic Valentine's Day experiences 33 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:02,720 that you can think of? 34 00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:04,680 Oh! Oh! 35 00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:07,040 LAUGHTER 36 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:11,440 APPLAUSE 37 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:20,320 In case you're wondering, 38 00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:22,240 no, I don't. 39 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:24,600 I think the worst thing possible is knowing that the person 40 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:27,720 you've been in love with for three months doesn't actually want you. 41 00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:29,840 Oh... Awww! 42 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:33,120 Seriously? 43 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,440 Just wait till you've been married 30 years, 44 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:37,160 then it's really shit. 45 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:40,680 This happened to me on Valentine's Day about ten years ago. 46 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:42,680 Yeah. I was in love with someone, 47 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:45,920 and on Valentine's Day, I thought it'd be romantic 48 00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:48,760 on my lunch half-hour to get the Tube... Uh-oh. 49 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:50,360 ..from Bond Street to Bank. 50 00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:52,920 I took an Earl grey tea, her favourite book, 51 00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:56,280 and tickets to a West End musical. I did it all. Nice. 52 00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:58,360 And then I didn't hear from her for two days, 53 00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:00,240 and then she called me up two days later and she said, 54 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:02,320 "Thank you so much for the bouquet of flowers you got me." 55 00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:05,120 And I was like, "I didn't get you any flowers, uh, 56 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:06,280 "where have you been?" And she said, 57 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:08,880 "I went to watch an amazing theatre show with this guy 58 00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:11,200 "that I've been seeing for the last two months." 59 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:13,640 Aww! So... They're married now. 60 00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:15,640 That's good. 61 00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:18,160 OK, I'm going to give you five points. Thank you! 62 00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:19,600 Thank you. 63 00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:26,200 Argh! Yes, Rhys. 64 00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:27,960 Probably my most romantic Valentine's 65 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:30,640 is when I took Eshaan's girlfriend to the theatre. 66 00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:34,080 That was a good day. 67 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:40,520 So, 17th-century Europe, including Britain, 68 00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:43,400 Valentine's Day sweethearts were often chosen by lot. 69 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,080 So they were young and unmarried people, 70 00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:46,640 they would get together in an area, and the women 71 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:48,240 would write their names down on a slip of paper, 72 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:51,240 and they would pop them in a box. And then men... It was a lucky dip. 73 00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:52,800 Oh, it was like an arranged marriage. 74 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,800 Well, some villages, you were expected to court 75 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:56,280 until the following Valentine's Day. 76 00:03:56,280 --> 00:03:58,400 In some places, it was just for the day. 77 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:02,160 Might have worked out better than if you'd actually chosen them. 78 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:03,840 It certainly would in my case. 79 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:07,000 It's good that you're not bitter, though, Jo. 80 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,400 I think that's very important. No, I'm not bitter at all. 81 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:10,440 No. 82 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:14,240 There was another English tradition, which was that the very first person 83 00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:16,880 you saw on Valentine's Day, that's the person 84 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:18,560 that would be your Valentine. 85 00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:21,200 And so people would sneak into their sweetheart's garden 86 00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:23,320 so that when they open the curtains, the first thing... 87 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:24,800 I thought it'd be your, like, postman. 88 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:27,120 That'd be weird, wouldn't it? Yeah, yeah. 89 00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:29,000 It's in Shakespeare. Ophelia says in Hamlet, 90 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:31,960 Tomorrow is Saint Valentine's day, All in the morning betime, 91 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:35,040 and I a maid at your window, To be your Valentine. 92 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:39,320 The problem with Valentine's Day is, if you get an anonymous one, 93 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:43,480 you think, "Oh, that's so exciting. Who could that be from?" 94 00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:45,120 Maybe, you know, 95 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:46,920 some perv that lives down the road. 96 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:51,640 Or it could be from someone really nice, but you don't know 97 00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:53,280 unless it looks suspiciously 98 00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:54,920 like your mum's handwriting. 99 00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:59,600 I want one that says, "I can't be arsed, can you?" 100 00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:05,520 I gave an anonymous card once when I was ten years old, 101 00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:08,400 to the new girl at school, and I put it in her tray, 102 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:10,560 and it was from her secret admirer. 103 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:13,320 And then I witnessed her at the end of school, take it out and show 104 00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:16,240 all her friends, and then screw it up and put it in the bin. Now... 105 00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:17,680 Awww! Yeah, thank you. 106 00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:19,320 This is the heartbreak corner, apparently. 107 00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:22,120 Team Dweeb over here. Team Dweeb. Yeah. 108 00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:24,920 What I would say about that is the anonymity of a card goes out 109 00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:27,360 the window when you're the only one in the playground crying. 110 00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:32,640 That's quite a good little caption for inside the card. 111 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:33,880 Yeah, that's true. 112 00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:35,840 "Look for the crying boy." 113 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:38,920 We don't really know why Saint Valentine - 114 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:40,640 we don't really know why he got chosen. 115 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:43,440 He's a third-century Roman saint, but there doesn't seem 116 00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:45,400 to be a particular reason why. 117 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:48,520 That's him on the right, looking mildly surprised. 118 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:51,880 It looks like he could help the situation a bit there. Yeah. 119 00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:55,560 That's Mary Magdalene at his feet, and that's Anthony of Padua, 120 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:59,280 who, amongst other things, was the patron saint of the tonsure, 121 00:05:59,280 --> 00:06:01,760 which is that haircut where you've got a sort of bald bit 122 00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:04,000 on the top. Why is Saint Valentine there? 123 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:06,880 He's got the cross and he's going, "I've had an idea for some merch." 124 00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:08,280 Yeah. 125 00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:10,640 Anthony of Padua was also a patron saint of finding a partner. 126 00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:12,560 So maybe there's... Find a partner. 127 00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:14,320 Hmm? Find a partner. 128 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:15,920 They used to say that at school. 129 00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:19,280 Find a partner. Get into twos and threes. 130 00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:20,680 That's so stressful, 131 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:23,080 that whole five seconds before someone eventually goes, 132 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:24,640 "Oh, fuck it, go on, then." 133 00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:27,840 You're the last one left. 134 00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:29,640 Yeah. The teacher comes over and says, 135 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:31,000 "Why haven't you found a partner?!" 136 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:32,560 "No-one likes me! 137 00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:37,120 "That's what this is about! That's what this is about, right?! 138 00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:40,200 "Confirmation! Well done!" 139 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:45,200 When they pick teams for sport? 140 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:47,560 You were often the ball, weren't you? Well... 141 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,600 In rugby. 142 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:53,280 I was no good at netball. I used to get chest passes in the face. 143 00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:54,960 I mean, I was... 144 00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:56,640 It wasn't my thing. 145 00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:59,240 The ancient Roman version of Valentine's Day 146 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:01,880 is called Lupercalia. Now, this is much more fun. 147 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:04,880 This is your sexually charged... Lubercalia? Lupercalia. 148 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:06,800 Not lube. Not lube. I was going to say! 149 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:08,480 Lubercalia! 150 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:11,120 It's a ceilidh, with lube. Yeah. Yeah. 151 00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:13,480 So you start with a ritual, 152 00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:16,880 you want to kill a few goats, and then you took these goat hides 153 00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:19,440 and you made sort of whips called februa, 154 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:21,600 and you whipped women whilst half naked. 155 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:24,080 You're turning me on, Sandi. Sorry. I'm so sorry. 156 00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:26,280 Why are there children in this orgy? Whys are kids there?! 157 00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:28,840 Yeah, well, they're from the last year's orgy. 158 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:33,040 Lupercalia, in honour of the she-wolf 159 00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:35,400 who's said to have raised Romulus and Remus, 160 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:37,040 who founded Rome. 161 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:41,480 Now, I want you to suggest some novel ways in which animals can help 162 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:43,560 you on Valentine's Day. 163 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:45,640 SNORTING AND SNORING 164 00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:52,200 It does sound like a Labrador. It does, yeah. 165 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:54,000 I'm... 166 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,600 Like a...a rabbit? 167 00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:58,240 LAUGHTER 168 00:07:58,240 --> 00:07:59,640 APPLAUSE 169 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:01,840 Thank you, thank you! 170 00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:05,280 Thank you. Well... 171 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:06,960 If we're going down this route, 172 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:08,520 a beaver. 173 00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:12,320 I knew you were my kind of guy. 174 00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:17,360 Why rabbit? It's an electronic device. 175 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:19,240 Oh! Yeah. OK. 176 00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:20,720 LAUGHTER 177 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,720 Sorry, if you're happily married, you don't need one. 178 00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:27,720 I've got 12. 179 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:32,320 They're all different. All different. 180 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:37,360 2022, the Bristol Animal Rescue Centre offered to write a name 181 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:41,080 of your choice on the bottom of a cat litter tray for £5. 182 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:43,520 What?! Yeah. 183 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:46,160 So the woman who went with the tickets with somebody else, 184 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:49,160 you could have her name on the bottom of a cat litter tray. 185 00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:52,320 Their thing was, "Our cats will poo on your ex, your boss..." 186 00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:55,720 Ohh! "..or whoever else you think deserves a great big turd 187 00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:58,360 "on this Valentine's Day." Oh, I see. 188 00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:00,720 Yeah. Yeah. You say that. Anyone who's got a cat 189 00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:02,760 knows that they will shit anywhere but the litter tray. 190 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:05,240 Exactly. That is true. I've got a kitten. 191 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,720 I've been trying to train her. And all the things on the internet 192 00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:09,880 say you have to spray her in the face with water when she does 193 00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:12,080 something wrong, but that feels so inhumane to me. 194 00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:14,160 So instead of doing that, when she does something wrong, 195 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:16,320 I just eat one of her treats in front of her. 196 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:19,760 Oh, and how is she with that? 197 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:21,080 Well, she shits in the bed. 198 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:22,560 That's not the point. 199 00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:25,160 But you can't trust animals, really. 200 00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:27,600 So the Seattle Aquarium used to celebrate Valentine's Day 201 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:31,040 by inviting the public to come and watch the octopuses having sex. 202 00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:32,720 Um... Sorry, what?! 203 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:34,280 Yes. 204 00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:36,440 "Come in, come in. Live sex show." 205 00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:38,200 Yeah! 206 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:39,840 So they haven't held it since 2016. 207 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,960 Why do you think they decided not to do this? 208 00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:43,880 Death? Yes, death is exactly right. 209 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:45,440 Yes. Oh! 210 00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:52,600 So, in some species of octopus, when they've finished, 211 00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:54,800 the female eats the male. Which is fine, 212 00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:57,440 he'd die soon anyway. It's really - it's not a problem. 213 00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:59,800 I tried that one Valentine's Day. 214 00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:04,800 And then the San Antonio Zoo in Texas. I like this - 215 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:07,840 you can name a cockroach after your ex 216 00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:10,240 and then watch it being fed to another animal. 217 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:16,520 We used to have cockroaches, and I kind of got rather fond of them 218 00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,880 cos I came home one night really late, quite pissed, 219 00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:20,800 and I'd left the telly on earlier, 220 00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:23,720 and there was two of them sitting on the settee watching the telly. 221 00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:28,600 Which I thought was lovely. And I was decorating, as well, one day, 222 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:31,720 and I was painting the ceiling like that and one fell in my mouth. 223 00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:33,320 AUDIENCE GROANS 224 00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:36,160 I feel bad for all the people who go on Bake Extra Slice 225 00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:38,880 and get their cake slagged off by someone who's eaten a cockroach. 226 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:44,680 Right, what was the Venus de Milo doing with her hands 227 00:10:44,680 --> 00:10:47,480 before she lost her arms? 228 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:50,080 SNORTING AND SNORING 229 00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:51,720 Masturbating. 230 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:53,840 KLAXON 231 00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:02,800 And literally the last thing I would have thought of. 232 00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:06,240 Argh! Yes, Rhys, darling. 233 00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:08,040 Stealing something in Saudi Arabia. 234 00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:09,960 AUDIENCE GROANS 235 00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:12,880 APPLAUSE 236 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:18,480 Maybe she was trying to start up 237 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:20,600 a petrol engine chainsaw. 238 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:24,560 I LOVE a chainsaw. Me too. 239 00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:26,720 Didn't they find the arms somewhere else? 240 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:28,920 Well, yes. There was a disembodied arm. 241 00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:31,160 The fact is, she was already armless, as it were, 242 00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:34,240 when she was dug up in 1820 on the Greek island of Milos. 243 00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:37,280 So we don't really know, right? But there are some suggestions. 244 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:40,000 So one suggestion is that she was sort of holding her drapery 245 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:41,440 and the other hand was holding an apple. 246 00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:43,600 So you're going to get a point. Yes, it's exactly right. 247 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:46,320 A disembodied hand holding an apple carved from the same marble 248 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:47,680 was found fairly near. 249 00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:49,920 I imagine there are two other apples in the air. 250 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:51,560 Yeah. 251 00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:57,640 That's got "delivered safely by Evri" written all over it. 252 00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:00,800 Took a photo of it and legged it. 253 00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:04,520 Possible that both hands were spinning thread - 254 00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:07,000 so that's an activity that used to be used in ancient Greece 255 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:08,680 to symbolise a sex worker. 256 00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:12,080 Or possibly she was holding a shield and admiring her own reflection. 257 00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:14,920 France bought the statue when it was first found in 1820, 258 00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:19,160 and they placed it in the Louvre, but it originally came with a plinth 259 00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:20,520 which named the sculptor. 260 00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:22,960 So the sculptor was Alexandros of Antioch, 261 00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:25,360 who was rather obscure and not incredibly famous. 262 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:27,360 But recently the government had returned 263 00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:28,880 Napoleon's looted art collection, 264 00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:30,600 and they really wanted to have something 265 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:32,440 that was fantastically valuable, 266 00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:35,040 so they took the sculptor's name away 267 00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:36,720 in the hope that everybody would assume 268 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:40,680 that it was by a famous fourth-century BC Greek sculptor. 269 00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:43,680 So they were sort of lying, but they wanted it to be more important 270 00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,840 than the Venus de' Medici, which is widely regarded 271 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:48,120 as one of the most beautiful representations of Venus 272 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:51,240 ever made, and which they had had to give back to Italy. 273 00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,600 And it was about 100 years before the Louvre went, 274 00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:55,000 "OK, we do know who it was by, 275 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:57,880 "and it's not as valuable as the one that you guys have got." 276 00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:00,760 The Italian rival, the Venus de' Medici, 277 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:03,280 she's the one that established the sort of modest pose that... 278 00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:05,280 She's not famous, though, is she? 279 00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:08,240 The Venus de' Medici doesn't seem to be as famous, and it's partly 280 00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:10,960 because Pope Innocent XI thought she was too sexy 281 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:14,000 and she was encouraging lewd behaviour in students. 282 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:16,160 So she was sent off to the Uffizi Gallery 283 00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:18,640 and I think probably slightly hidden away. 284 00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:22,560 Now, patience is a virtue, but would you queue two days 285 00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:24,560 and nights for a haircut? 286 00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:26,080 No. Fair. 287 00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:27,800 Six points. 288 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:30,080 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 289 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:35,600 I think I did queue two days and nights for a haircut 290 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:37,480 the day after lockdown lifted. 291 00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:39,040 Was it the madness? Yeah. 292 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:42,240 You get... Having your hair cut by someone who was in a hazmat suit, 293 00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:43,720 really. 294 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,960 With a mask on and a screen and gloves 295 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,840 and going like this. 296 00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:52,120 I'd love to go to a barber's cos it looks quick. 297 00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:54,400 When you go to the ladies' hairdresser's, it takes forever 298 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,280 and they want to know things about you. 299 00:13:56,280 --> 00:13:57,560 I think, before you go in, 300 00:13:57,560 --> 00:13:59,760 you've got to create an identity for yourself. 301 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:01,520 Just say, "I'm exhausted, I was up all night 302 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:03,280 "having sex with three men." 303 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:08,800 "Two of them are in here." LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH 304 00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:13,160 Barbers are really stressful for me cos I go to a Turkish barber's 305 00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:15,880 and I take my hearing aids out, and my glasses, 306 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:17,440 so I can't see or hear anything. 307 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,640 They basically do whatever they want, really. 308 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:22,080 Yeah. It's quite a traumatic experience. 309 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:24,800 The Turkish barber near me is famous 310 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,720 for shit haircuts. It's not THAT bad, Rhys. 311 00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:33,160 Single tear rolls down my cheek, Alan. 312 00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:35,280 I stopped going there YEARS AGO! 313 00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:38,640 But he does - he has the barber shop in the day, 314 00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:41,400 and then he has a kebab shop down the road that he does at night. 315 00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:42,880 Is it the same knife? 316 00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:45,040 Right? Yeah! Literally all the same utensils. 317 00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:48,440 Yeah. He puts you on a thing and spins you around, and then just... 318 00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:52,880 For ages, I was thinking, "Why does he still do the barbering 319 00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:54,040 "when he's so bad at it?" 320 00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:55,880 And then I realised it's a perfect business model, right? 321 00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:57,640 Because when do you go to a kebab shop? 322 00:14:57,640 --> 00:14:59,320 You go after a night out, don't you? 323 00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:01,240 Yeah. When would you not go after a night out? 324 00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:03,240 If you've pulled. Why would you not pull? 325 00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:04,800 Shit haircut. Yeah. 326 00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:06,800 It's genius. It is. That's a very good combination. 327 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:08,360 He's the best businessman in the world. 328 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:10,800 But I want to know why you might queue for two days and nights. 329 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:11,960 Special barber. 330 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,640 Yeah, special barber. It's a holy thing. 331 00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:15,680 Is it Mecca? No. 332 00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:19,000 So it's the most-visited Hindu temple in the world. 333 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,440 So the temple in Andhra Pradesh, 334 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:24,320 which is called Sri Venkateswara Swami, 335 00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:27,640 it is the richest, most-visited temple. 336 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:30,760 And it is also the world's largest barber shop. 337 00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:32,360 I know. 338 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:36,800 So this 2,000-year-old temple, they hire 1,316 barbers, 339 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:39,040 who cut hair for free, 24/7. 340 00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:42,000 They have over 40 million people who visit every single year, 341 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:45,400 and the site has had to create two queuing complexes 342 00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:48,600 to hold 14,000 people - all of them queuing up for a haircut. 343 00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:52,280 So, in 2023, the queue at the temple reached 5km. 344 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:54,360 Some people were waiting for 48 hours. 345 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:56,600 There is a system if you've got a bit more money, 346 00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:58,800 so you can basically pay, and then they'll remember 347 00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:01,600 that you were at that point in the queue and then you can come back. 348 00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:03,680 But that person's having a shaved head, right? 349 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:05,760 And if you want to maintain that, you have to get that haircut 350 00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:07,800 and then immediately join the queue again. 351 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,200 Yeah. I mean... Two days. Start again. 352 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,600 I mean, is it just shaved heads they offer? 353 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,040 Can you get a perm or something? 354 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:15,720 No, they want your hair. 355 00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:19,440 So the temple is dedicated to one of the many incarnations of Vishnu. 356 00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:21,200 So the triumvirate of gods, right? 357 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:23,440 We've got Vishnu, Brahma and Shiva. 358 00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:27,040 And Vishnu has ten avatars or incarnations. 359 00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:31,000 So the story goes that Vishnu was meditating on an ant hill 360 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:32,880 and his fellow gods - 361 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:36,480 so Shiva and Brahma - in the form of cows, came to feed him milk 362 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:37,840 every single day. 363 00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:40,200 And one time the cow herd followed them and he was wondering 364 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:41,920 what was happening to all the milk, right? 365 00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:43,280 Why does it keep disappearing? 366 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:45,600 And he saw them pouring it into this ant hill. 367 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:48,760 So he struck the ant hill - and thus Vishnu on the head. 368 00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:52,680 And after Vishnu's head healed, the hair failed to grow back. 369 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:54,560 A lot better than the Bible, isn't it? 370 00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:55,960 It's a good story, isn't it? 371 00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:58,480 And so, to help him cover up the bald patch, a princess cut off 372 00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:00,040 her own hair, to plaster on it. 373 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:03,280 And as a reward, Hindu legend has it that all offerings 374 00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:05,320 at the shrine go to her. 375 00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:07,920 Right. So that is the reason for the endless haircutting. 376 00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:09,760 Uh, let's move on to vice now. 377 00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:12,680 What happens in Vegas to make you stay in Vegas? 378 00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:14,840 Are we talking Las Vegas or Johnny? 379 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:19,000 Las Vegas. Have you been? 380 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,560 I haven't. My mum, dad and brother went without me. 381 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:23,160 Awww! 382 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:24,800 I'm actually quite a happy person! 383 00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:26,440 Just... Just to be clear. 384 00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:28,280 Yeah. Why? We went to America, 385 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:30,240 and I had to come back home early 386 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:32,280 because of immigration issues. 387 00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:36,160 And then my mum, dad and brother, they had a great time without me. 388 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:37,760 Oh, is that what they told you - 389 00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:39,720 "There's some immigration issues, you're going to have to go"? 390 00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:40,960 Yeah. 391 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,920 OK. This immigration officer looks 392 00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:45,200 a lot like my brother holding his finger up. 393 00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:46,960 Well, gambling is addictive. 394 00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:49,600 Might you end up staying because you're addicted to it? 395 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:51,400 Well, there is that, but specifically, 396 00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:53,840 how do casinos encourage you to stay in them for longer? 397 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:55,720 There's no windows or clocks. 398 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:57,800 KLAXON 399 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:03,120 It's a misconception. 400 00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:04,680 There are time-sensitive bets, 401 00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:06,400 so you have always had clocks. 402 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:09,920 If you go through the casinos, some of them are really huge. Yeah. 403 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:12,720 It goes on as far as the eye can see, and you actually don't know 404 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:15,120 what the time is. It's the same 24 hours a day. 405 00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:17,200 Yeah. Roughly the same number of people in there. 406 00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:20,080 It's very odd. But also it's that maze-like thing. 407 00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:22,160 That's an important part of keeping you there, 408 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:24,640 because it feels as though there's something new round the corner, 409 00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:27,480 something else. It's like the big Tesco's in Hexham. 410 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:30,360 People think that there are no windows. 411 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:31,840 That's not true either. 412 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:34,240 They were rare because the sunlight used to reflect 413 00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:37,160 onto the slot machines. But nowadays they use tinted glass. 414 00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:39,960 And there's another myth that casinos pumped in oxygen 415 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,600 in order to keep you awake. Incredible fire hazard. 416 00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,080 Terrible idea. Yeah. 417 00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:45,840 I've never placed a bet. 418 00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:47,520 What? Ever, on anything. 419 00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:49,800 I don't really practise Islam any more. I drink, I eat bacon, 420 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,960 but I've just not been able to do the gambling thing just yet, 421 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:54,880 and I feel like I would really enjoy it. 422 00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:57,920 OK. I'm going to give you £100 if you get the next question right. 423 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:00,560 OK. You want to take the bet? 424 00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:02,800 Yeah, I'll take the bet. OK. This is my first bet! 425 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,280 You've got to give me 200 if you get it wrong. 426 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:06,960 Ooooh! 427 00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:10,800 Who thinks I should go for it? 428 00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:12,680 CHEERING 429 00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:14,240 You enablers! 430 00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:18,600 Are you going to take the bet? 431 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:20,120 Yeah. Go on, then, why not? 432 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:21,640 CHEERING 433 00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:23,120 Oh, can we shake on it? 434 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,160 Can we shake? 435 00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:26,800 OK. 436 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:28,320 Ready? No. 437 00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:32,800 Why is the dice game called craps? 438 00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:34,640 Cos it makes you shit yourself. 439 00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:39,400 Congratulations, Eshaan, you've just won £100. Yeah! 440 00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:45,240 As far as we know, it probably comes from crapaud, 441 00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:46,680 which is French for toad. 442 00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:49,400 Because you used to have to sort of bend down when you were playing. 443 00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:51,840 He was never going to get that. You've absolutely robbed him. No. 444 00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:53,880 I'd have given you five. I got hustled! 445 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:55,080 You got hustled by the house. 446 00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:57,280 You got hustled by the house. I got hustled by the house. Yeah. 447 00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:58,760 Unbelievable. As it's your first bet, 448 00:19:58,760 --> 00:20:01,920 I'm not going to make you pay out. But you always, always remember 449 00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:03,440 that you owe me. 450 00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:06,800 I'll never forget. 451 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:08,440 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 452 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,680 It's one of the oldest games in casino history. 453 00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:17,240 Probably began in the 12th century. 454 00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,640 You get it documented in Chaucer's Canterbury Tales. 455 00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:21,000 Look at that guy on the left. 456 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,280 He's perving up that second woman. 457 00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:25,040 Yeah. Yeah, he is. 458 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,520 Look at his face. 459 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:28,040 That's terrifying. 460 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:30,960 No, I really enjoy it. 461 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:33,240 What I do is I work out how much money would I be willing 462 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:34,800 to throw away? And that's all. 463 00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,120 You don't pay any more than that. 464 00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:38,040 Oh, that's pointless. Is it? 465 00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:39,920 Yeah, I think if you're going to gamble, 466 00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:42,840 be prepared to lose your house or else there's no point. 467 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:46,360 Yeah. I went to a casino once. Yeah. 468 00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:49,680 And people were going, "Oh, put £5 on this." 469 00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:52,960 I wanted to put my car on it or something, you know. 470 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:54,920 One kidney. Yeah. 471 00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,560 Now, let's plunge deeper into the world of vice. 472 00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:03,400 Who or what is about as useful as a cow's fifth teat? 473 00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:04,720 My third nipple. 474 00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:08,760 Your two nipples are useless, as well. 475 00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:10,480 Are they? ARE they? 476 00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:12,200 What? Oh! 477 00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:17,000 What have I... What am I supposed to have been using them for? 478 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:20,000 How do YOU know what the weather's like before you look out the window? 479 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:21,440 Is this like when I realised 480 00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:23,720 I haven't been paying tax for three years, as well? 481 00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:26,480 Where do you hang your keys? What is wrong with you? 482 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:30,120 Why is that such a sexy shot of a cow? 483 00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:33,680 There's no way the Pope's allowing a statue of that. 484 00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:35,840 No, that's so true. So it's a quote. 485 00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:39,000 Somebody said this was about as useful as a cow's fifth teat. 486 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:40,120 It's a job. 487 00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:42,120 It's a job in the United States. 488 00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:43,720 President. 489 00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:45,480 So... Vice President. 490 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:46,760 Yes. 491 00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:48,920 Ah. The point goes to Alan. Absolutely right. 492 00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:50,480 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 493 00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:55,280 There's a long history of the Vice Presidents despising their own jobs. 494 00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:58,200 It was considered such a minor role that they weren't even included 495 00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:01,200 in presidential cabinet meetings until 1919. 496 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:04,000 The phrase is how the job was described by Harry S Truman 497 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,040 when he was offered it by President Roosevelt. 498 00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:07,360 Here's the thing, though. 499 00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:09,480 So Truman did eventually accept. 500 00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:13,760 He was only Vice President for 82 days, when Roosevelt died 501 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:15,280 and he took over. 502 00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:18,080 So Truman went from senator to Vice President to President 503 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:20,960 to authorising, if you recall, the dropping of the atomic bomb 504 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:22,760 in just under seven months. 505 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:25,960 I mean, it's the most astonishing career trajectory. 506 00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:28,360 So the important element of the job 507 00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:32,440 is that if the...if the President pegs it, you take over. 508 00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:35,080 Yeah, you're the one just waiting for the guy to drop. 509 00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:37,480 And some people just didn't do it because they thought 510 00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:40,080 it wasn't a significant office. And maybe they should have done so. 511 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:42,600 Senator Daniel Webster, as a good example - 512 00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:45,000 he was offered the role of Vice President twice - 513 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:46,720 William Henry Harrison and Zachary Taylor - 514 00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:48,120 and he turned it down each time. 515 00:22:48,120 --> 00:22:50,440 He allegedly said, "I do not propose to be buried 516 00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:52,840 "until I am really dead and in my coffin." 517 00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:56,560 He ran for presidency three times, and if he had just accepted 518 00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:59,640 the vice presidency, he would have become President because both 519 00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:01,400 those Presidents died in office. 520 00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:04,560 Even the very first Vice President, who was John Adams, said, 521 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:06,680 "It was the most insignificant office 522 00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:08,760 "that ever the invention of man contrived, 523 00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:13,200 "or his imagination conceived, as can do neither good nor evil." 524 00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:15,520 Does it pay well? So it's a really good question. 525 00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:17,640 So the Vice President Richard Mentor Johnson - 526 00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:22,200 so we're talking 1837 to 1841 under President Martin Van Buren - 527 00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:25,400 he had so little money that, halfway through the term, 528 00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:27,480 he went back to his home in Kentucky 529 00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:30,080 and opened a tavern and spa. 530 00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:31,200 Oh! 531 00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:33,160 I know! Like the kebab shop and the barber's. 532 00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:34,680 Yes, yes! 533 00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:36,160 Yeah. I rather like this guy. 534 00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:38,720 He proposed that the Senate fund a plan 535 00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:40,560 to explore the centre of the Earth. 536 00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:42,440 I just think, why not?! 537 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:45,480 It involved explorers travelling to the North Pole - 538 00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:47,960 with reindeer, obviously, and sleigh - 539 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:50,840 and then entering a passageway to go down into the Earth... 540 00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:52,560 He thought there was a door there, did he? 541 00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:55,760 I don't know what he thought. 23 senators supported the proposal. 542 00:23:56,760 --> 00:23:58,480 There are a few successes, we have to say - 543 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:00,520 not all the Vice Presidents were not a success. 544 00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:03,800 Charles Dawes, he was Vice President under Calvin Coolidge. 545 00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:06,880 So he's the one on the right. Calvin Coolidge on the left. 546 00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:09,960 Charles Dawes not only won a Nobel Peace Prize, 547 00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:13,440 he also wrote a number-one hit single. Oh! 548 00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:16,520 Calvin Coolidge is one of my favourite Presidents of all time. 549 00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:19,280 His favourite thing to do in the Oval Office was to ring 550 00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:22,560 the emergency button and then hide from the Secret Service. 551 00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:25,680 That's great! Yeah. 552 00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:27,960 I used to watch The West Wing, and on The West Wing, 553 00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:30,640 the Vice President wasn't allowed to do anything, and if he made 554 00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:33,080 any speeches or said anything at all, he had to clear it 555 00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:34,600 with the President's office. 556 00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:35,920 I think it is that - I think it is 557 00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:38,240 very much under the tight control of the Oval Office. 558 00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:40,200 Calvin Coolidge, I don't know if he would have complained 559 00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:43,800 because he was the most silent President of all time. 560 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:46,880 He was so taciturn, he was said to be able to be silent 561 00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:48,640 in several languages. 562 00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:52,160 And when he died, the great wit Dorothy Parker said, 563 00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:53,640 "How could they tell?" 564 00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:57,280 But the Vice President on the right there, Charles Dawes, 565 00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:58,680 he did write a number-one single. 566 00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:01,400 It was called It's All In The Game, sung by Tommy Edwards - 567 00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:03,320 the first black American to reach number one. 568 00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:04,880 That is not Tommy Edwards. Who is that? 569 00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:06,560 That's Bob Dylan, isn't it? It is Bob Dylan. 570 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:07,800 I was going to ask you the question, 571 00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:10,080 who is the only other person to get a Nobel Prize? 572 00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:11,840 Argh! Hey! 573 00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:13,440 Bob Dylan. 574 00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:15,600 Five points. Yes. Very well done. 575 00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:17,040 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 576 00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:23,080 Years and years and years ago, 577 00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:24,600 I did meet one of the Vice Presidents - 578 00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:26,080 I met Nelson Rockefeller, 579 00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:28,040 and he was the Vice President under Gerald Ford. 580 00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:30,240 And he died in 1979 of a heart attack. 581 00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:33,640 So the initial reports were that he had died at his desk. 582 00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:36,560 Mm, the speculation was that he'd probably had a heart attack 583 00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:39,480 by having sex with his secretary. 584 00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:43,440 Anyway, the rumour gave New York Magazine a chance to run the quip, 585 00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:46,320 "Nelson thought he was coming, but he was going." 586 00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:50,120 That's rough, that is. 587 00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:52,400 I was very fond of Mike Pence. 588 00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:55,920 He had an Instagram account entirely devoted to pictures 589 00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:57,560 of his pet rabbit. 590 00:25:57,560 --> 00:25:59,480 Which kind of rabbit? Yeah. 591 00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:04,160 APPLAUSE 592 00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:12,240 I might take £5 off your bet for that. 593 00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:16,640 What's the virtue in having a vibrating toe? 594 00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:19,080 Oh... Wow... 595 00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:21,560 No. 596 00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:24,160 Absolutely not. You don't need to waste any money on a rabbit. 597 00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:25,480 Yeah. That's so true. 598 00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:27,280 Meringue making? 599 00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:35,240 I would put all my husband's socks on one by one, 600 00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:39,120 and make holes in them with my vibrating toe, 601 00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:40,960 and then deny all knowledge. 602 00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:42,640 So we're in the animal world here. 603 00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:46,040 Oh! It's going to be, it can crack eggs or it's a hunting device. 604 00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:48,280 It can... Defence. It's a hunting device. 605 00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:51,760 You're absolutely right. Let's have a look at these extraordinary frogs. 606 00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:53,600 They're called holy cross frogs. 607 00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:55,720 Oh, I like them. Or crucifix frogs. 608 00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:57,560 Can you see the sort of shape of the crucifix? 609 00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:59,440 Yeah, yeah. They look like hot cross buns. 610 00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:01,080 Yeah, absolutely they do. 611 00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:02,480 Hot cross frog. Yeah. 612 00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:03,960 Well, I mean, I think hot and not cross, 613 00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:06,280 I think in this instance, because what they're doing is called 614 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,560 amplexus, which is the mating position of frogs. 615 00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:11,080 This is basically frog porn that we're looking at. 616 00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:12,360 How does it work exactly? 617 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:16,600 So they live in boroughs in New South Wales and in Queensland 618 00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:18,120 and so on. Live mostly underground. 619 00:27:18,120 --> 00:27:22,680 Anyway, they practise something called pedal luring, OK? 620 00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:25,760 And what it does is it involves vibrating a toe 621 00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:29,560 backwards and forwards to mimic a small insect, and then they eat 622 00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:33,520 the large insect that has been tricked into nibbling their toe, 623 00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:35,080 thinking it was a tasty morsel. 624 00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:37,160 So look at the toe there, it's... 625 00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:41,320 And so what happens is a large insect thinks that's a small insect, 626 00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:43,320 is attracted to the toe. 627 00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:44,760 I don't know how they miss the frog. 628 00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:45,880 I don't know how they go... 629 00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:50,520 But apparently it works, cos he looks well fed. 630 00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:53,640 We have to credit the Australian Museum in Sydney for that footage. 631 00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:54,960 Quite right. 632 00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:57,560 But the really extraordinary thing about them is not necessarily 633 00:27:57,560 --> 00:28:00,400 the pedal luring, which I think in itself is amazing, 634 00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:03,280 they give off this gluey substance from their skin. 635 00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:05,800 So first of all, it makes small insects stick to them, 636 00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:08,840 and then they can basically take off that layer of skin and eat that, 637 00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:11,400 bugs and all, a bit like the toppings on a pizza. 638 00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:13,000 It's a little bit like that. So... 639 00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:14,200 GROANING Ugh! 640 00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:16,360 I'm not standing up for the crucifix frog here. But it helps 641 00:28:16,360 --> 00:28:19,200 males and females stick together, so during amplexus 642 00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:21,320 it prevents the male from... 643 00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:23,760 ..sliding off. I don't know what... 644 00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:25,680 It's not my area, but it... 645 00:28:28,800 --> 00:28:30,360 APPLAUSE 646 00:28:34,560 --> 00:28:38,000 ..means sex apparently can last for hours, which why wouldn't it? 647 00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:40,600 And... Because it's boring. 648 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:44,320 Oh, I'm definitely going to get you a different rabbit. Um... 649 00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:48,840 I just ca... ALAN LAUGHS 650 00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:52,120 I know how much you like chainsaws, 651 00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:54,320 and now I don't know what this rabbit... 652 00:28:54,320 --> 00:28:58,640 Some sort of petrol-driven sex toy is going to end up in Dulwich. 653 00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:03,000 IMITATES CHAINSAW 654 00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:06,440 Now you mention it... 655 00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:08,760 I know... I know a Turkish guy 656 00:29:08,760 --> 00:29:10,560 who can get you a spinning one if you like. 657 00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:14,240 I'd rather have a kebab. 658 00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:19,080 It may deter predators because they get confused by it - 659 00:29:19,080 --> 00:29:21,200 it has a rather strange texture and may make them... 660 00:29:21,200 --> 00:29:22,880 Oh, I'll bet it DOES deter predators. 661 00:29:22,880 --> 00:29:25,440 Surely it makes it very difficult to escape if you're glued 662 00:29:25,440 --> 00:29:27,120 inside another one. 663 00:29:27,120 --> 00:29:30,320 Yeah, I imagine that that's not a good moment to be interrupted. 664 00:29:30,320 --> 00:29:31,800 I would... I would think so. 665 00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:35,120 There's no other kind of amphibian that creates this kind of glue. 666 00:29:35,120 --> 00:29:37,080 There are lots that eat their own skin. 667 00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:40,040 You remember I said about the pizza toppings? Dermatophagy. 668 00:29:40,040 --> 00:29:42,680 But you do find something called maternal dermatophagy - 669 00:29:42,680 --> 00:29:45,960 basically, the mother keeps growing layers of skin 670 00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:48,280 specifically for her children to scrape off and eat. 671 00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:50,000 MURMURING AND GROANING 672 00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:52,840 So there was a mix of "ahh" and "eurgh". 673 00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:54,880 Just kind of went both ways. 674 00:29:54,880 --> 00:29:57,560 There are some amazing creatures in Australia. 675 00:29:57,560 --> 00:29:59,360 Some, unfortunately, are now extinct. 676 00:29:59,360 --> 00:30:01,480 The gastric-brooding frog. 677 00:30:01,480 --> 00:30:03,200 This is one of the most unusual things 678 00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:04,560 that I have ever seen in my life. 679 00:30:04,560 --> 00:30:07,080 They haven't been seen in the wild since 1981. 680 00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:10,560 So the female frog ingested their own egg, 681 00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:12,960 which they later regurgitated 682 00:30:12,960 --> 00:30:15,560 as a fully formed froglet. 683 00:30:15,560 --> 00:30:18,440 OK? Oh, look at it! Oh, wow! 684 00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:19,760 Oh, yes, "wow"! 685 00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:21,680 Russian doll of a frog. Yes! 686 00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:24,680 So they secrete a substance which forms a sort of jelly 687 00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:26,480 around the eggs while they're in the guts, 688 00:30:26,480 --> 00:30:28,680 and prevents the stomach acid from harming them. 689 00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:31,840 It's nice to see the Microsoft Office paperclip has got a new job. 690 00:30:31,840 --> 00:30:34,160 Can I just say that this image is thanks 691 00:30:34,160 --> 00:30:37,480 to the late Professor Mike Tyler's wife, Ella? 692 00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:39,560 Thank you. APPLAUSE 693 00:30:41,720 --> 00:30:45,240 Also in Australia, red triangle slugs. 694 00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:48,680 Right? They... Oh, here we go. Yeah. So... Look at that! 695 00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:50,720 It's almost like a little heart on the back. Yeah. 696 00:30:50,720 --> 00:30:53,440 Red shape. Evolution's just given up with that one, hasn't it? 697 00:30:53,440 --> 00:30:55,160 Well... Pff. Oh... I don't know. 698 00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:57,160 It looks like a tattoo on my penis, actually. 699 00:30:58,200 --> 00:31:00,440 Did you just say "it looks like the tattoo on my penis"? 700 00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:01,720 Yeah. OK. 701 00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:05,240 Do you not care about being in the edit of this at ALL? 702 00:31:09,040 --> 00:31:12,080 So they give off a defensive glue, but they use it against frogs. 703 00:31:12,080 --> 00:31:14,440 And this is really clever. Against frogs? 704 00:31:14,440 --> 00:31:16,920 Against frogs. So they give off this glue. 705 00:31:16,920 --> 00:31:20,880 The frog sticks to the branch and the slug goes off. 706 00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:22,640 The slug... Really slowly. "Heh-heh-heh! 707 00:31:24,240 --> 00:31:25,800 "Haha-haha!" 708 00:31:30,520 --> 00:31:32,720 And then the frog will get eaten by a bird or something. 709 00:31:32,720 --> 00:31:34,400 What eats slugs? 710 00:31:34,400 --> 00:31:36,000 I mean... That's a good question. 711 00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:37,400 We've got loads in our garden. 712 00:31:37,400 --> 00:31:40,080 Do you know what the best thing is? Beer. Beer? 713 00:31:40,080 --> 00:31:42,760 Then you forget you've got them. Yeah! 714 00:31:45,200 --> 00:31:47,760 If you bury a small glass of beer in the ground, 715 00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:50,560 then they will crawl along and fall into the beer. 716 00:31:50,560 --> 00:31:53,560 Well, what they do, though, Sandi, what they do is 717 00:31:53,560 --> 00:31:56,440 they congregate on top of the recycling bin. 718 00:31:56,440 --> 00:31:58,240 I mean, it's middle-class hell. 719 00:31:58,240 --> 00:31:59,760 LAUGHTER It really... 720 00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:09,560 Right, and back to vice again. 721 00:32:09,560 --> 00:32:12,880 What is your opinion on erotic landscape gardening? 722 00:32:12,880 --> 00:32:15,080 What do we think? Vile or "vonderful"? 723 00:32:15,080 --> 00:32:16,440 I think it's sort of like it's... 724 00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:18,080 Erotic landscape gardening at the moment 725 00:32:18,080 --> 00:32:19,400 is quite tasteful, isn't it? 726 00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:21,360 Because the only people who can afford gardens 727 00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:22,600 are in their 70s. 728 00:32:22,600 --> 00:32:24,400 Are you aware of the concept? 729 00:32:24,400 --> 00:32:25,920 I've got a search history. 730 00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:30,400 Oh, I see. I didn't even know it existed as a thing. 731 00:32:30,400 --> 00:32:33,680 Yes. Is it? I thought it was like trimming your pubic... 732 00:32:33,680 --> 00:32:35,120 ..bush. 733 00:32:35,120 --> 00:32:36,480 Bush. Well, it... 734 00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:38,640 No, not, no, OK. Wait. 735 00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:40,040 LAUGHTER 736 00:32:43,680 --> 00:32:45,760 So it's not your personal bush, darling. 737 00:32:45,760 --> 00:32:48,240 Oh! It's cutting hedges into the shape of boobs. Right. 738 00:32:48,240 --> 00:32:51,080 I see. Oh, did you think it was on yourself? 739 00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:53,840 Yeah. Because, like, I mean, too much... 740 00:32:53,840 --> 00:32:55,480 Gardening? 741 00:32:58,040 --> 00:32:59,280 18th-century Britain, 742 00:32:59,280 --> 00:33:03,400 there was an aristocratic craze for erotic landscape gardening. 743 00:33:03,400 --> 00:33:06,800 So the most full-on example belonged to Sir Francis Dashwood, 744 00:33:06,800 --> 00:33:08,800 who's just one of those characters from history... 745 00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:10,320 LAUGHTER 746 00:33:10,320 --> 00:33:12,480 You don't say! Isn't he great? 747 00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:15,600 I love him! And, obviously, what did he do for a living? 748 00:33:15,600 --> 00:33:17,600 Politician? Yeah. Yeah. 749 00:33:17,600 --> 00:33:19,480 Famous for his debauched parties. 750 00:33:19,480 --> 00:33:22,280 He had an estate at West Wickham, near Oxford. 751 00:33:22,280 --> 00:33:25,040 He had breast-like hills, which were topped with pink flowers 752 00:33:25,040 --> 00:33:26,760 that were like nipples. 753 00:33:26,760 --> 00:33:29,880 He had a mound featuring an oval-shaped doorway 754 00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:33,120 leading into a tunnel that was designed to resemble a vagina. 755 00:33:33,120 --> 00:33:35,800 Oh. This is what I mean about it all being sort of tame and tasteful. 756 00:33:35,800 --> 00:33:38,040 Wait till the younger generation can afford gardens. 757 00:33:38,040 --> 00:33:40,360 You'll have bushes that look like ball gags. Yeah. 758 00:33:41,880 --> 00:33:43,640 I don't even know what that is. 759 00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:46,800 Eshaan, do you mind explaining? Yeah. 760 00:33:48,600 --> 00:33:52,040 He added a giant golden ball to the top of the local church steeple, 761 00:33:52,040 --> 00:33:54,920 and he used to use it as a viewing gallery to show guests his estate. 762 00:33:54,920 --> 00:33:58,040 And the story goes that he took the vicar up there, and he arranged 763 00:33:58,040 --> 00:34:01,000 for all the fountains in the garden to burst into life 764 00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:04,120 in each of the garden's erogenous zones. 765 00:34:04,120 --> 00:34:07,080 Apparently the vicar needed a stiff drink afterwards. 766 00:34:08,120 --> 00:34:10,800 So is he the only one, or...? No, no. 767 00:34:10,800 --> 00:34:12,240 And women, too, darling. 768 00:34:12,240 --> 00:34:14,880 So there's a rather marvellous woman who I think has sort of 769 00:34:14,880 --> 00:34:17,800 been slightly forgotten, who was the artist called Mary Delany. 770 00:34:17,800 --> 00:34:21,400 So she was married twice to men, very likely that she had quite a lot 771 00:34:21,400 --> 00:34:23,440 of sexual relationships with women, as well, 772 00:34:23,440 --> 00:34:25,480 although that's not something that was written down. 773 00:34:25,480 --> 00:34:28,080 But she designed gardens with a vulva-like grotto. 774 00:34:28,080 --> 00:34:30,920 She would organise sessions in the grotto 775 00:34:30,920 --> 00:34:32,520 with her female companions. 776 00:34:32,520 --> 00:34:35,440 The most interesting thing - and this is now in the British Museum - 777 00:34:35,440 --> 00:34:37,920 is this huge collection called the Flora Delanica. 778 00:34:37,920 --> 00:34:40,200 So behind, that looks like a watercolour, 779 00:34:40,200 --> 00:34:41,920 behind the picture of her, 780 00:34:41,920 --> 00:34:44,840 these are actually all made of tissue paper. 781 00:34:44,840 --> 00:34:46,480 It's what used to be called decoupage, 782 00:34:46,480 --> 00:34:48,440 she called them her paper mosaics. 783 00:34:48,440 --> 00:34:50,560 She didn't start until she was 72. 784 00:34:50,560 --> 00:34:52,600 She carried on doing them until she was 88 785 00:34:52,600 --> 00:34:55,280 and her eyesight failed. But look at the detail of them. 786 00:34:55,280 --> 00:34:57,000 It looks like it's a painting, doesn't it? 787 00:34:57,000 --> 00:34:59,360 Is this not a thing any more? Erotic landscape gardening? 788 00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:00,600 Is it just a thing of the past? 789 00:35:00,600 --> 00:35:02,640 Well, I'm not aware of it, but then I'm... 790 00:35:02,640 --> 00:35:04,200 Well, they should bring it back. Yeah. 791 00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:07,240 I want to see Chelsea Flower Show After Dark. Yeah. Mm! Yeah. 792 00:35:08,280 --> 00:35:10,600 But there are some places which are sort of natural features. 793 00:35:10,600 --> 00:35:12,840 There's a cave in Bulgaria - the Utroba Cave - 794 00:35:12,840 --> 00:35:15,680 that's been associated with fertility since the Thracian period, 795 00:35:15,680 --> 00:35:17,680 so more than 2,000 years ago. JO SCOFFS 796 00:35:17,680 --> 00:35:19,000 ESHAAN LAUGHS I know! 797 00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:20,640 So the name of it means womb, right? 798 00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:24,240 But apparently the shape of the entrance also casts 799 00:35:24,240 --> 00:35:27,760 a phallic ray of light into the cave every day at midday. 800 00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:30,640 So here's the thing we wanted to show you. 801 00:35:30,640 --> 00:35:32,520 There's a vulva-like sculpture made 802 00:35:32,520 --> 00:35:35,120 by an artist called Fernando de la Jara, right, 803 00:35:35,120 --> 00:35:38,640 and it's in Germany. And in 2014, an American student... 804 00:35:38,640 --> 00:35:40,040 There's the sculpture. 805 00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:42,200 An American student got stuck in it. 806 00:35:43,720 --> 00:35:45,120 Wow! Yeah. 807 00:35:45,120 --> 00:35:48,640 And it took 22 firefighters to get him out. 808 00:35:48,640 --> 00:35:52,200 And there is a photograph of it, but we were not allowed to show it. 809 00:35:52,200 --> 00:35:56,000 OK? And I was so determined that you should see this, 810 00:35:56,000 --> 00:35:59,440 that we have spent part of today as a team... 811 00:35:59,440 --> 00:36:01,080 Doing a collage! 812 00:36:06,320 --> 00:36:07,680 Please admire. 813 00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:12,520 Brilliant. Yeah. 814 00:36:12,520 --> 00:36:13,960 We're very proud. 815 00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:15,160 APPLAUSE 816 00:36:15,160 --> 00:36:16,560 Yes. Thank you. 817 00:36:24,920 --> 00:36:27,600 Now it's time for a wanton destruction of the much-loved 818 00:36:27,600 --> 00:36:30,240 pillars of knowledge that we call General Ignorance. 819 00:36:30,240 --> 00:36:31,800 Fingers on buzzers, please. 820 00:36:31,800 --> 00:36:36,560 What kind of animal is Ratty in the Wind In The Willows? 821 00:36:36,560 --> 00:36:38,400 Oh, come on. 822 00:36:40,240 --> 00:36:41,480 It's a rat. 823 00:36:41,480 --> 00:36:43,640 KLAXON 824 00:36:43,640 --> 00:36:44,800 No. 825 00:36:46,480 --> 00:36:48,280 He's a vole. Yes! 826 00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:49,600 Yes! Oh! 827 00:36:56,400 --> 00:36:58,720 He's a water vole because...? 828 00:36:58,720 --> 00:37:01,200 There is no such... No such thing as a water rat. 829 00:37:01,200 --> 00:37:03,360 There's no such thing as a water rat. Absolutely right. 830 00:37:03,360 --> 00:37:05,360 But rats can swim. They can. 831 00:37:05,360 --> 00:37:08,720 But they are not water rats. They're just...having a laugh. 832 00:37:08,720 --> 00:37:10,360 They just like swimming. 833 00:37:11,760 --> 00:37:13,240 I think voles are lovely. 834 00:37:13,240 --> 00:37:15,440 They're sort of charismatic little creatures, do you not think? 835 00:37:15,440 --> 00:37:19,520 I once visited the island of Skomer off the coast of Wales - 836 00:37:19,520 --> 00:37:21,640 it's a nature reserve, and it's quite isolated - 837 00:37:21,640 --> 00:37:24,760 and on it there is a small creature called the Skomer vole 838 00:37:24,760 --> 00:37:27,760 that actually we should all know about. There it is, it's very cute. 839 00:37:27,760 --> 00:37:30,160 It eats bracken, which is carcinogenic, 840 00:37:30,160 --> 00:37:32,480 and it has no ill effects on the vole. 841 00:37:32,480 --> 00:37:35,240 And we now think, if we can work out why, 842 00:37:35,240 --> 00:37:37,720 this may help us in the treatment of cancer. Oh, wow. 843 00:37:37,720 --> 00:37:40,360 So we've got to learn to speak vole. Yes. 844 00:37:40,360 --> 00:37:42,840 Yeah. And then ask it. Yeah. 845 00:37:42,840 --> 00:37:45,240 Here is something that sounds like a vole. 846 00:37:45,240 --> 00:37:47,680 What kind of animal is it? 847 00:37:47,680 --> 00:37:49,480 Mole. 848 00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:51,080 KLAXON 849 00:37:54,040 --> 00:37:55,960 It's a golden mole. 850 00:37:55,960 --> 00:37:57,480 It's not actually a mole. 851 00:37:57,480 --> 00:38:00,640 And it is more closely related to the elephant, 852 00:38:00,640 --> 00:38:02,480 which is a distant cousin. Oh! 853 00:38:02,480 --> 00:38:05,200 Its closest relations are the shrew-like tenrec 854 00:38:05,200 --> 00:38:06,720 that you find in Madagascar. OK. OK. 855 00:38:06,720 --> 00:38:10,400 And the otter shrew, interestingly, which - neither of them are shrews. 856 00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:12,280 I mean, some things are just badly named. 857 00:38:12,280 --> 00:38:16,320 The golden mole has the best kidneys you're ever going to come across. 858 00:38:16,320 --> 00:38:19,000 They can go their entire lives without drinking 859 00:38:19,000 --> 00:38:21,000 a single drop of water. Wow! They're blind. 860 00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:24,000 And their ears, because they're blind, are so sensitive, 861 00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:27,240 they can distinguish between the footsteps of an ant 862 00:38:27,240 --> 00:38:29,280 and termites walking above them. 863 00:38:29,280 --> 00:38:31,200 How do they know that? 864 00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:34,720 They asked them. Yeah. Yeah. 865 00:38:34,720 --> 00:38:37,120 Is it an ant?! Oh, sorry. 866 00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:38,680 Is it an ant? 867 00:38:40,920 --> 00:38:43,040 "It's a termite." 868 00:38:43,040 --> 00:38:45,000 Correct! Ratty is not a rat 869 00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:47,520 and the golden mole is not a mole. 870 00:38:47,520 --> 00:38:50,480 Right, you are climbing this mountain 871 00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:52,680 and you have run out of water. 872 00:38:52,680 --> 00:38:55,800 What should you do to rehydrate? 873 00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:58,080 Do you drink your own urine? 874 00:38:58,080 --> 00:39:00,440 No...you do not. 875 00:39:02,600 --> 00:39:04,480 Do you drink someone else's urine? 876 00:39:04,480 --> 00:39:07,000 No. So here is the thing. 877 00:39:07,000 --> 00:39:09,040 It contains the waste products that your kidneys have already 878 00:39:09,040 --> 00:39:11,320 got rid of, right? So you're not going to do all that well 879 00:39:11,320 --> 00:39:14,200 because they can cause kidney failure. Is this a trick question? 880 00:39:14,200 --> 00:39:16,200 Yeah. Yeah, course it is. Yes. Yes. 881 00:39:16,200 --> 00:39:21,400 When snow falls... Yeah. ..it gathers within it 882 00:39:21,400 --> 00:39:23,200 all of the crap in the air, 883 00:39:23,200 --> 00:39:26,200 so isn't necessarily good for you. 884 00:39:26,200 --> 00:39:28,120 That's all I know about it. 885 00:39:28,120 --> 00:39:30,440 And all the flakes are different. 886 00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:32,320 Unlike cornflakes. 887 00:39:32,320 --> 00:39:35,560 So are you saying...? So are you...? Many of which are the same. 888 00:39:35,560 --> 00:39:38,160 So are you saying to eat snow or not eat snow? 889 00:39:38,160 --> 00:39:41,280 I wouldn't dream of it. Wouldn't dream of eating snow. OK. 890 00:39:41,280 --> 00:39:43,320 It is a really bad idea to eat snow. 891 00:39:43,320 --> 00:39:45,960 So it's going to dehydrate you even more 892 00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:48,280 because of the additional energy expenditure. 893 00:39:48,280 --> 00:39:50,080 You're trying to keep your internal organs warm. 894 00:39:50,080 --> 00:39:52,600 If you put a whole lot of cold stuff inside you, that's not 895 00:39:52,600 --> 00:39:53,920 really going to help you. 896 00:39:53,920 --> 00:39:56,920 So the safest thing to do is to find some way to melt the snow before. 897 00:39:56,920 --> 00:39:58,160 Melt it and drink it. 898 00:39:58,160 --> 00:40:01,240 When I was eight, I climbed up Snowdon with my dad... Aw! 899 00:40:01,240 --> 00:40:03,360 ..and it was, like, a really hot day. 900 00:40:03,360 --> 00:40:06,680 And I was sensible at eight and he wasn't, cos I said, 901 00:40:06,680 --> 00:40:10,200 "Should we take some water with us?" And he went, "No, it's fine, 902 00:40:10,200 --> 00:40:12,440 "there'll be a cafe at the top." And... 903 00:40:12,440 --> 00:40:14,920 LAUGHTER Anyway, we got to the top, 904 00:40:14,920 --> 00:40:16,920 there WAS a cafe, but it was shut. 905 00:40:16,920 --> 00:40:20,480 Aw! I think that's when I started to realise 906 00:40:20,480 --> 00:40:22,960 my dad was a bit of a knob. 907 00:40:24,840 --> 00:40:26,760 Did you get the train back down again? 908 00:40:26,760 --> 00:40:28,720 I don't think there was a train in those days. 909 00:40:28,720 --> 00:40:31,520 My dad made us walk up that and we got the train. 910 00:40:31,520 --> 00:40:33,160 Yeah. "There's a train?!" 911 00:40:33,160 --> 00:40:36,480 Yeah. "Can we get the train down?" "No, we can't get the train down 912 00:40:36,480 --> 00:40:38,840 "because the car's on the other side of the mountain." 913 00:40:38,840 --> 00:40:40,000 "Oh, fuck me." 914 00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:44,640 I don't know how well you're going to do with this question, Alan. 915 00:40:44,640 --> 00:40:48,200 If you are starving, can you cut off and eat your own leg? 916 00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:49,640 Ooh! Yes. 917 00:40:51,240 --> 00:40:53,640 You'd have to be careful not to bleed to death. 918 00:40:53,640 --> 00:40:54,800 Yeah. 919 00:40:54,800 --> 00:40:56,800 You cauterise the wound, Jo. 920 00:40:56,800 --> 00:40:59,120 Yeah, cos you'd have... No. 921 00:40:59,120 --> 00:41:01,440 You'd have some equipment with you. 922 00:41:01,440 --> 00:41:04,680 Yeah. Is there a...? Do you have one of those portable barbecues 923 00:41:04,680 --> 00:41:06,360 with you, at least? Well, in that case, 924 00:41:06,360 --> 00:41:08,280 you could just melt some snow and not bother with the leg, 925 00:41:08,280 --> 00:41:10,400 I think would be the thing. 926 00:41:10,400 --> 00:41:13,680 But, I mean, I imagine the initial shock, the risk of infection - 927 00:41:13,680 --> 00:41:16,320 none of it's a good idea. Although I do like this question. 928 00:41:16,320 --> 00:41:19,320 If you ate your own leg, would you weigh the same afterwards? 929 00:41:19,320 --> 00:41:21,440 LAUGHTER 930 00:41:21,440 --> 00:41:23,760 Oh! Yes. 931 00:41:23,760 --> 00:41:26,720 Until you go to the toilet. Yeah. Yeah. 932 00:41:26,720 --> 00:41:29,040 And then the foot comes out your arse. Yeah. 933 00:41:30,160 --> 00:41:31,840 What a weird day that was. 934 00:41:33,080 --> 00:41:34,600 And the foot's going... 935 00:41:37,400 --> 00:41:39,480 I was hopping around on my bum. 936 00:41:40,840 --> 00:41:44,240 Wouldn't it be nice to be happy all the time? 937 00:41:45,360 --> 00:41:47,320 Argh! Yes. 938 00:41:47,320 --> 00:41:49,000 KLAXON 939 00:41:51,120 --> 00:41:52,640 Yeah. Why do you think yes? 940 00:41:52,640 --> 00:41:54,200 No, I think probably it wouldn't 941 00:41:54,200 --> 00:41:57,040 because you wouldn't have any friends, would you? 942 00:41:57,040 --> 00:41:58,840 Happy people are so annoying. 943 00:41:58,840 --> 00:42:00,400 Yeah. 944 00:42:00,400 --> 00:42:02,880 You won't feel happy if you're happy all the time. 945 00:42:02,880 --> 00:42:05,520 Yeah. You won't feel the highs, man. That's exactly right. 946 00:42:05,520 --> 00:42:07,600 You need the lows to feel the highs, right? 947 00:42:07,600 --> 00:42:09,160 Yeah. Yass, Queen! 948 00:42:09,160 --> 00:42:11,400 WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE 949 00:42:16,960 --> 00:42:19,000 You need to have some negative feelings. 950 00:42:19,000 --> 00:42:21,160 Happier people do less well in negotiation. 951 00:42:21,160 --> 00:42:22,840 You've got to feel a bit of anger when you're trying 952 00:42:22,840 --> 00:42:24,120 to negotiate with people. 953 00:42:24,120 --> 00:42:26,200 It's also a hallmark of being a psychopath, 954 00:42:26,200 --> 00:42:28,560 if you're just happy the whole time. 955 00:42:28,560 --> 00:42:31,880 There was a guy, a French Tibetan monk, in 2012 - 956 00:42:31,880 --> 00:42:33,160 he's called Matthieu Ricard - 957 00:42:33,160 --> 00:42:35,720 he's a close adviser of the Dalai Lama, and he was named 958 00:42:35,720 --> 00:42:38,200 the world's happiest man - there he is - 959 00:42:38,200 --> 00:42:40,240 by researchers at the University of Wisconsin. 960 00:42:40,240 --> 00:42:43,400 And they scanned his brain and he was upset by this. 961 00:42:43,400 --> 00:42:46,600 He said he is usually happy, but he has been unhappy, 962 00:42:46,600 --> 00:42:50,640 like the time his friend threw flour on his laptop. 963 00:42:52,920 --> 00:42:55,240 I mean, that would do it to you, wouldn't it? 964 00:42:55,240 --> 00:42:58,360 Yeah. My niece once poured undiluted Ribena on my laptop. 965 00:42:58,360 --> 00:43:00,360 Ooh. That was rough. I lost, like... 966 00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:02,080 Is she still with us? 967 00:43:03,680 --> 00:43:07,720 So, now let's get a vicelike grip on the scores. 968 00:43:07,720 --> 00:43:09,480 Entirely beyond saving, 969 00:43:09,480 --> 00:43:11,080 with -24, 970 00:43:11,080 --> 00:43:13,240 it's Alan. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 971 00:43:15,240 --> 00:43:17,680 In third place, with a sinful -7, 972 00:43:17,680 --> 00:43:20,280 is Jo. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 973 00:43:20,280 --> 00:43:22,680 That's not bad, is it? 974 00:43:22,680 --> 00:43:25,320 And our new patron saints of QI, 975 00:43:25,320 --> 00:43:27,120 joint first with -4, 976 00:43:27,120 --> 00:43:29,400 Rhys and Eshaan. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 977 00:43:29,400 --> 00:43:31,280 Great work. We did it. 978 00:43:36,840 --> 00:43:38,920 That's all from Eshaan, Rhys, Jo, Alan and me, 979 00:43:38,920 --> 00:43:42,840 and to sum up our own twin themes tonight, here's Elizabeth Taylor. 980 00:43:42,840 --> 00:43:46,200 "The problem with people who have no vices is that, generally, 981 00:43:46,200 --> 00:43:48,560 "you can be pretty sure they're going to have 982 00:43:48,560 --> 00:43:51,800 "some pretty annoying virtues." Thank you and goodnight. 983 00:43:51,800 --> 00:43:54,400 APPLAUSE