1 00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:27,720 - APPLAUSE - Ohh! 2 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:37,240 Bonsoir, bonsoir, bonsoir, bonsoir, bonsoir. 3 00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:42,080 Bonsoir, mesdames et messieurs! Et bienvenue a QI. 4 00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:45,920 Or Koo-Eee, as we should properly call it. 5 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:49,960 Tonight we fare forth into our favourite foreign fiefdom, 6 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:54,000 land of fromage, froideur and flageolet, la belle France. 7 00:00:54,000 --> 00:01:00,440 Avec moi, ce soir, je suis delighted to welcome le grand legume, Phill Jupitus! 8 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:09,120 Et le bourgeois gentilhomme, Hugh Dennis! 9 00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:16,320 - Merci. - La femme fatale, Jo Brand! 10 00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,960 And Babar the Elephant. 11 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:26,400 CHEERING 12 00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:36,440 But before we laissez les bons temps rouler, les champignons musicales, s'il vous plait. Phill goes... 13 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:39,080 PLAYS "La Marseillaise" 14 00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:47,560 - Hugo va... - Hugo? 15 00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:52,720 - D'accord. - # Boum-boum! Boum-boum! 16 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:59,440 # Boum-boum-boum brrrrrrr boum! # 17 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:04,480 - Et Jo va... - # Non, rien de rien... # 18 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:06,520 I have plenty! 19 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:11,520 # Non, je ne regrette rien... # 20 00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:15,560 - And Alan goes... - # Je t'aime... # 21 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:27,680 Colour me very touched, Alan. 22 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:35,280 - Can I take my onions off now? - You can. - They are slightly restricting mon tete. - Yeah. 23 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:39,120 Of course. Ma tete - feminine. Minus five. 24 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:41,160 LAUGHTER 25 00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:49,760 - I said "mon" because I am masculine. - It doesn't quite work that way. 26 00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:56,600 - The word vagina is masculine. You're likely to be female if you have one. - You'd say, "mon vagina"? 27 00:02:56,600 --> 00:03:04,000 - As it were, yes. - It sounds like a mountain somewhere, doesn't it? 28 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:08,680 - Funny looking mountain. - I was climbing Mon Vagina. 29 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:13,080 Many have. And many have fallen off. 30 00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:15,720 So, bon, allons-y, mes copains. 31 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:20,720 A ce moment-ci, je vous donne des bonus points 32 00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:24,560 si vous pouvez repondre en francais. 33 00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:27,760 - OK? - # Boum-boum! # 34 00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:29,920 Oui. 35 00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:32,320 Very good! 36 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:34,960 Already a bonus point for Hugh. 37 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,400 # Rien de rien... # 38 00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:39,000 Non. 39 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:43,960 Plus tard, nous verrons. Phill, comment ca va? 40 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:45,600 Er... 41 00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:49,240 LAUGHTER 42 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:51,720 That is fluent. 43 00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:57,760 Jo, voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? 44 00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:01,000 Er, pas demi! Not half! 45 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,040 Excellent! 46 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:05,200 Quatre points! 47 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:09,400 Alan, donne-moi un mot, s'il vous plait, 48 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:13,720 un mot pour un mammifere marin 49 00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:21,240 qui ne peut avaler aucun plus grand qu'un pamplemousse? 50 00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:23,280 LAUGHTER 51 00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:31,760 What's a pamplemousse? 52 00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:35,480 Ask the audience. What is a pamplemousse? 53 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:38,720 It's French porn. 54 00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:42,800 - It's like grapefruit. - Like grapefruit. Do I? 55 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:48,520 For six years you have yearned for the answer to a question to be... 56 00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:51,840 - The blue whale. - That is the answer! 57 00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:54,120 Oh! 58 00:04:54,120 --> 00:05:01,920 I've asked you to name a marine mammal that couldn't swallow anything bigger than a grapefruit. 59 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:08,640 - Right. - And that is a blue whale. You could have had such pleasure and joy. Never mind. 60 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:13,480 Here are some Frenchmen. What are they looking for in the swamp? 61 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:20,120 Where they've hidden their cameras, I think. 62 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:24,840 - Does the tide come in really, really quickly there? - The sea is not far. 63 00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:31,080 We're in Gascony. In an area of France called Les Landes, south of Bordeaux. 64 00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:37,720 - Je pense qu'ils cherchent mouchoirs. - They're looking- for a handkerchief? Yes. 65 00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:42,760 Not because I think they are, but I don't know any other French words. 66 00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:47,680 - Oddly enough, the first three letters are correct. - Handjob? 67 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:53,400 - No, no. You said "mouchoirs". And it's mou... - Moutons. - Moutons is right! 68 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,360 Sheep. They are shepherds. 69 00:05:56,360 --> 00:06:00,760 - They are shepherds and... - No, they are not! 70 00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:03,320 Are all the sheep on stilts as well? 71 00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:07,480 Is there a French programme called One Man And His Stilts? 72 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:14,040 If you see the one on the left, he's got two stilts on his legs, 73 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:18,880 plus a stick to make himself a tripod to stand still. 74 00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:24,880 They can go really fast around this 4,000-square-mile area. They see their sheep better. 75 00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:31,120 And they negotiate this boggy terrain brilliantly. They carried on doing this up to the 20th century. 76 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:39,200 - When the pole got stuck right up their arse. - They were delighted when somebody invented the Land Rover. 77 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:44,240 I don't know if any French shepherds might be watching - get dogs. 78 00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:50,280 - Might save you a bit of time overall. - Dogs on stilts. - Oh, don't get me started! 79 00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:56,280 - Tiny dogs, like Corgis, on... - Massive stilts! - ..18-foot stilts! 80 00:06:56,280 --> 00:07:00,880 - Towering over bigger dogs. - Yeah! - At last! 81 00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:24,400 There was a famous shepherd who walked to Paris 82 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:31,160 and climbed the Eiffel Tower in his stilts, then walked to Moscow in 58 days in his stilts. 83 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:36,440 - What a remarkable man(!) - Wasn't he? - In 58 days?! - 58 days to Moscow. 84 00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:40,440 That's 1,830 of your puny English miles. 85 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:44,760 Now you can go to Les Landes and see them dancing in their stilts. 86 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:49,680 It's a tourist attraction. They used stilts to herd their huge flocks 87 00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:55,000 in country that was too rough and boggy to have tracks. 88 00:07:55,000 --> 00:08:00,120 - What did French country people do in the winter? - WOMAN CACKLES 89 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:05,320 Nurse! 90 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:10,480 Nurse! She's out of bed again! 91 00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:13,240 - # Rien de rien... # - Jo? 92 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:17,680 I'd like to quote a man that I met in the Aran Islands just off Galway. 93 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:22,280 I said, "What do you do in winter?" And he went, "Fishing and BLEEP!" 94 00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:24,880 So is that possible? 95 00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:28,760 You'd have to find a lady who was wearing stilts. 96 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:34,000 - That is a major problem. - Or a lady in a first-floor window. 97 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:39,480 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 98 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,360 Wow. Are you tempted? 99 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:50,000 "Here they come again, the bastard shepherds!" 100 00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:55,440 It's extraordinary. Until recently, a lot of French country people 101 00:08:55,440 --> 00:08:59,960 did something not extraordinary for animals, but it is for humans. 102 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:02,120 - Hibernate. - Yes. 103 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:06,760 Not true hibernation. Their body temperature didn't drop and so on, 104 00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:13,680 but they essentially kind of slept. They'd wake up once or twice, have a biscuit, go back to sleep. 105 00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:17,640 Did they have to go in a cardboard box with a lot of straw? 106 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:23,520 - A lot of shared bodily warmth. - You got them out in March, had a look. "Not ready yet." 107 00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:28,600 - They didn't hibernate as such - they were students? - Excellent. 108 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:35,360 - Basically, that's true. They all cram together... - "Lorraine Kelly's on! Quick! Get up!" 109 00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:43,760 That is a really shit life, isn't it? You spend six months of the year on stilts and the rest asleep. 110 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:50,280 - It is tough! - As long as the other six months you're watching Lorraine Kelly, pas de problem! 111 00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:56,520 French peasants used to hibernate in rural France until well into the 19th century. 112 00:09:56,520 --> 00:10:00,640 What were 80% of French people unable to do in 1880? 113 00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:06,240 - Count. Add up. - No, we're in the wrong discipline, as it were. - Write. 114 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:10,320 They couldn't write their own name or read it, 115 00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:16,360 - but if they could read or write, 80% of them didn't read in... - French. - Exactly. 116 00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:18,680 That's odd. 117 00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:26,000 120-odd years ago, 80% of French people did not speak French. It was not the majority language of France. 118 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:30,280 - All kinds of regional dialects? - Not just dialects, but languages. 119 00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:33,680 - Basque? - In Les Landes, they spoke sheep. 120 00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:36,640 Yes. A stilted version of it. 121 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:39,000 Baa? Meh! 122 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,560 Very good. 123 00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:47,120 - They spoke Occitan, Breton... - Occitane's what you put on spots. 124 00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:54,720 - There is something called that! - It used to be a language in an acne-ridden area of France. 125 00:10:55,920 --> 00:11:03,200 Franco-Provencal, Flemish, Basque - they were some of the major languages. 126 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:09,240 Completely unrelated to French. This is a map of the linguistic areas of France here. 127 00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:15,600 There were 50, at least, dialects and hundreds of sub-dialects. Le bon francais, proper French, 128 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:21,640 - was only spoken by 20%. - Where did they speak Flemish?- Up near the Belgian border. 129 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:27,880 - What's the difference between a Belgian kiss and a French kiss? - Go- on. A Belgian kiss has more phlegm. 130 00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:30,760 Hey! very good. 131 00:12:58,860 --> 00:13:04,900 In 1880, most French people couldn't speak French. 132 00:13:04,900 --> 00:13:10,900 According to a census in that year, only about 1 in 5 residents were fluent in French. 133 00:13:10,900 --> 00:13:14,940 French, famously, has only a quarter as many words as English 134 00:13:14,940 --> 00:13:21,540 so they quite often have to use ours, but sometimes they get it wrong and lost in translation. 135 00:13:21,540 --> 00:13:27,380 Traduisez, s'il vous plait. What means "un people"? 136 00:13:27,380 --> 00:13:34,500 - Look at that typical English person! - We in no way conform to stereotypes here on QI. 137 00:13:34,500 --> 00:13:39,980 Here is an accountant and, for some reason, Arthur Daley. 138 00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:45,860 That's not a Frenchman! "I've got two fingers for you 'ere! 139 00:13:49,700 --> 00:13:53,100 "Look at that BLEEP hat over there! BLEEP!" 140 00:13:54,660 --> 00:14:02,020 - He isn't French! - The white polo neck's French. - He's dropped his fag and hasn't even noticed. 141 00:14:02,020 --> 00:14:05,780 - Do you know... - "I smell burneeng!" 142 00:14:05,780 --> 00:14:11,900 - I wouldn't be surprised if he had a cigarette... - An invisible one. - ..but it's been photoshopped out 143 00:14:11,900 --> 00:14:17,940 - as the British public aren't allowed to see cigarettes now. - The only advert I would do is for fags. 144 00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:24,180 "They're bloody lovely and you might not get cancer." I mean, you know. 145 00:14:24,180 --> 00:14:27,140 That's a very fine slogan. 146 00:14:27,140 --> 00:14:29,380 It's a gamble. 147 00:14:29,380 --> 00:14:35,780 Listen to sweary Bob. "She's BLEEP right! They photoshopped this BLEEP out! Oi! 148 00:14:37,020 --> 00:14:41,780 "Hattie over there ain't BLEEP smoking! We do. It's BLEEP lovely!" 149 00:14:41,780 --> 00:14:44,900 He's not French, Stephen, please. 150 00:14:44,900 --> 00:14:49,540 - OK... - Let's at least get someone with onions in. 151 00:14:49,540 --> 00:14:52,620 We're no closer to "les people". 152 00:14:52,620 --> 00:14:55,220 Oh, the in crowd. 153 00:14:55,220 --> 00:14:59,820 - The hip, now, happening... - Something even worse than that. 154 00:14:59,820 --> 00:15:04,260 - What is our obsession? - Celebrities. - Celebrities are "les people"! 155 00:15:04,260 --> 00:15:09,260 - Pathetic. - Oh, merde. - What is "un brushing"? 156 00:15:09,260 --> 00:15:12,300 - Un brushing? - Un brushing. 157 00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:17,940 - Is it a dental thing? - It's not dental,- but does involve the headal area. 158 00:15:17,940 --> 00:15:23,660 - Cut your hair? - Someone would do it to you in a salon. - Lick your hair! - LAUGHTER 159 00:15:23,660 --> 00:15:29,140 - Somebody licks your hair in a salon? - I pay for it! - Fair enough. 160 00:15:29,140 --> 00:15:32,180 "I'll give you 40 quid to lick it." 161 00:15:32,180 --> 00:15:36,100 Ohhhh! Ohhhh! 162 00:15:36,100 --> 00:15:38,580 "It". 163 00:15:39,580 --> 00:15:44,020 For 50 quid we'll get a cow to come in and lick it. 164 00:15:44,020 --> 00:15:49,660 - I'm not talking about the hair on my head! - Oh, now, please! Enough already. 165 00:15:49,660 --> 00:15:54,300 - My legs. - Blow dry. - Blow dry? - Un brushing is a blow dry. 166 00:15:54,300 --> 00:15:59,100 - And what is un relooking? - A blowjob. - No. 167 00:15:59,100 --> 00:16:02,820 Is it a double take? 168 00:16:02,820 --> 00:16:08,420 - An excellent example of the breed, I may say. - A repeat. 169 00:16:08,420 --> 00:16:12,420 Not a repeat. Another thing that was very popular. 170 00:16:12,420 --> 00:16:17,460 - Oh! A clip show! - No, it's much more logical. 171 00:16:17,460 --> 00:16:21,860 - It's weird. It's... - A reinterpretation of something? 172 00:16:21,860 --> 00:16:25,260 - It's a makeover. - Oh, right. OK. 173 00:16:25,260 --> 00:16:27,700 A makeover is a relooking. 174 00:16:27,700 --> 00:16:30,900 - Is it? - Un relooking is a makeover. 175 00:16:30,900 --> 00:16:33,540 - Un relooking extreme! - Yeah. 176 00:16:33,540 --> 00:16:38,860 - How does the Academie Francaise allow this? - It doesn't. 177 00:16:38,860 --> 00:16:42,860 They would not accept these, but they are used all the time. 178 00:16:42,860 --> 00:16:46,940 Usage is the final arbiter, surely. 179 00:16:46,940 --> 00:16:49,580 Finally, vaselin-ay? 180 00:16:49,580 --> 00:16:53,940 - To grease yourself up, Stephen. - Oh, dear. No. 181 00:16:53,940 --> 00:16:58,540 Vaselin-ay? That's like the two Spanish firemen. Hose A and Hose B. 182 00:17:00,260 --> 00:17:05,180 - A Spanish joke. - Very good. - To butter someone up. - Yes! 183 00:17:05,180 --> 00:17:09,700 - That's exactly right. - Yes! - To flatter, butter someone up. 184 00:17:09,700 --> 00:17:11,460 Excellent. 185 00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:47,160 Now what are the symptoms of Paris Syndrome? 186 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:51,280 - It exists. Paris Syndrome. - LAUGHTER 187 00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:57,920 - It had to be explained to me who that was. - Is it auditory- hallucinations in the third person, 188 00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:03,520 knight's move thinking and an inability to crochet? 189 00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:05,520 No. 190 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:12,400 Very specific, and I like that. You have to picture the Japanese, 191 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:18,840 who are taught that Paris is the centre of sophistication, elegance, artistry, 192 00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:26,280 cosmopolitan elan and savoir faire. And they arrive in Paris and almost everything the French do 193 00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:30,480 is something that Japanese people find very difficult. 194 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:36,840 Almost everything in the French language is to them offensive, plus they have to walk miles with jetlag 195 00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:43,960 and they suffer from Paris Syndrome. An average of 12 people a year have to be expensively repatriated 196 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:50,000 to Japan. There is a 24-hour helpline in the Japanese Embassy in Paris 197 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:57,360 for Japanese people who are traumatised by the disappointment, horror, offence to their sensibility 198 00:20:57,360 --> 00:21:02,480 - of Paris. - Extraordinary. - Isn't that fabulous? - It is. 199 00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:09,480 - I think it reflects well on the Japanese. - I definitely had that when I went there. Miserable bastard. 200 00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:15,520 If you are traumatised by Paris, you'll be traumatised by the French medical system. 201 00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:21,800 - Whatever ailment you have, they give you a suppository. - You're quite right. 202 00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:27,920 - It's their answer for everything. - Yeah. - So Paris Syndrome is an extreme form of culture shock. 203 00:30:35,920 --> 00:30:40,480 Now Napoleon once said an army marches on its stomach. 204 00:30:40,480 --> 00:30:45,480 Why would you want a Frenchman by your side in a fight? 205 00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:50,320 - I'll give you five points if you know who that is. - Andre the Giant. 206 00:30:50,320 --> 00:30:57,840 - It is. You're absolutely right. A well-known wrestler. - Yeah. - And starred in an excellent film... 207 00:30:57,840 --> 00:31:05,320 - The Princess Bride. - You're right. - Trivia points, yes, but not real points. - Excellent. 208 00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:08,760 Which is his normal body colour? 209 00:31:08,760 --> 00:31:14,800 He's going to a party at Judith Chalmers' house in one and in the other he's going round the Smurfs'. 210 00:32:05,900 --> 00:32:12,340 We use him as an example of a French soldier. Why is a French soldier a good person by your side? 211 00:32:12,340 --> 00:32:16,140 - Are they good at fighting? - That's the point, yes. 212 00:32:16,140 --> 00:32:21,500 - Despite their reputation for being cowards... - Always losing. 213 00:32:21,500 --> 00:32:25,780 ..they didn't. It seems, according to Niall Ferguson, 214 00:32:25,780 --> 00:32:31,140 of 125 major European wars fought since 1495, they fought in 50, 215 00:32:31,140 --> 00:32:35,740 more than Austria, which has 47, and England, 43. 216 00:32:35,740 --> 00:32:42,340 And they achieved an impressive average. Out of a total of 168 battles fought since 387 BC, 217 00:32:42,340 --> 00:32:47,660 - they've won 109, lost 49 and drawn 10. - Stephen? 218 00:32:47,660 --> 00:32:53,020 - That's pretty good. - Put the glasses back on. - Yes. 219 00:32:53,020 --> 00:32:59,580 Now people flicking over to the channel may think they are seeing a Benny Hill retrospective... 220 00:33:02,700 --> 00:33:05,540 "Hello, viewers!" 221 00:33:05,540 --> 00:33:10,060 - There's a touch of that. - If only Henry McGee was on tonight! 222 00:33:10,060 --> 00:33:14,100 "We are speaking with Mr Fred Scuttle..." 223 00:33:14,100 --> 00:33:18,420 "Yes, we are, sir! I have been hosting quizzes... 224 00:33:18,420 --> 00:33:21,500 "for some 20 years. 225 00:33:21,500 --> 00:33:28,180 "My father used to build concrete barriers to stop cars." "Bollards?" "It's true, sir!" 226 00:33:29,780 --> 00:33:33,300 We miss him dearly. The world needs Benny. 227 00:33:33,300 --> 00:33:37,500 What did Groundskeeper Willie famously call them? 228 00:33:37,500 --> 00:33:40,620 - Cheese-eating surrender monkeys. - Yes. 229 00:33:40,620 --> 00:33:43,860 Despite that reputation... 230 00:33:43,860 --> 00:33:51,420 There was a time when, if you googled "French military victories", Google returned, 231 00:33:51,420 --> 00:33:55,140 "Did you mean French military defeats?" 232 00:33:55,140 --> 00:33:59,580 - Extremely unkind. - They've had a bad recent record. 233 00:33:59,580 --> 00:34:06,540 - You're going from 387 BC. - Obviously, Napoleon ultimately lost. - A lot of victories on the way, 234 00:34:06,540 --> 00:34:13,300 but then we got the cane out of the cupboard and gave him a damn good thrashing. 235 00:34:13,300 --> 00:34:17,060 APPLAUSE 236 00:34:17,060 --> 00:34:22,860 Now, les jeux sont faits. Rien ne va plus. Nous sommes arrives at le point in the show 237 00:34:22,860 --> 00:34:27,900 where the TGV of savoir-faire hits the brick mur of je ne sais quoi 238 00:34:27,900 --> 00:34:32,780 avec la ronde qui s'appelle General Ignorance. Fingers on buzzers. 239 00:34:32,780 --> 00:34:35,580 What did the Romans like to wear? 240 00:34:35,580 --> 00:34:38,100 - The Romans. - Togas. 241 00:34:38,100 --> 00:34:41,180 - HOOTER - Er, sandals. 242 00:34:41,180 --> 00:34:48,420 - Sandals? - They did wear sandals. Although they did wear togas, they did not like wearing them. 243 00:34:48,420 --> 00:34:53,620 - What? - They were huge and unwieldy. - "I'm sick of this thing!" 244 00:34:53,620 --> 00:34:57,940 Augustus had to pass a law making Romans wear them in the forum. 245 00:34:57,940 --> 00:35:01,060 But they were huge things. 246 00:35:01,060 --> 00:35:07,100 They were vast and very hard to put on. You had to keep your left arm up so it didn't slip off you. 247 00:35:07,100 --> 00:35:12,980 - That is a toga. That semi-circle... - What?!- That mandarin slice is a toga 248 00:35:12,980 --> 00:35:19,140 - next to a human being. A great semi-circle of material. - It's a man windsurfing. 249 00:35:19,140 --> 00:35:25,300 - We had a toga party at my house in 1982. - And I'm sure you used much more convenient togas. 250 00:35:25,300 --> 00:35:29,820 - Sheets. - Exactly. - Duvet covers with a hole in! 251 00:35:29,820 --> 00:35:34,060 My friend Danny had a pink sheet with Pontin's Holidays on it! 252 00:35:34,060 --> 00:35:38,700 - How stylish! - He did not get off with anybody. 253 00:35:38,700 --> 00:35:41,340 I laughed all night. 254 00:35:41,340 --> 00:35:46,340 Did they have different tog ratings of toga? 255 00:35:46,340 --> 00:35:48,620 Big old Romans... 256 00:35:48,620 --> 00:35:53,140 The toga pulla was a dark toga and a toga picta was patterned. 257 00:35:53,140 --> 00:35:57,460 And the toga candida. Candida is Latin for white. 258 00:35:57,460 --> 00:36:03,940 - The toga candida was worn by those entering an election, from which we get... - Candidate. 259 00:36:03,940 --> 00:36:09,020 - Candidate. - Points! - Definitely a point or two for that. 260 00:36:09,020 --> 00:36:12,660 Why do racing cyclists shave their legs? 261 00:36:12,660 --> 00:36:17,500 Well, I hesitate to say for aerodynamic purposes... 262 00:36:17,500 --> 00:36:21,780 - HOOTER - You hesitated, but still said it. 263 00:36:21,780 --> 00:36:28,220 - That's what they do in Breaking Away. - You've done the Tour de France. - I've done a leg of it. 264 00:36:28,220 --> 00:36:34,820 I believed it was for the reason Alan said. I don't want the buzzer. Is it a sweat thing? 265 00:36:34,820 --> 00:36:41,060 Not quite that. There's an odd series of reasons. There's no aerodynamic advantage. 266 00:36:41,060 --> 00:36:45,140 And they know that because they have scientists. 267 00:36:45,140 --> 00:36:49,180 Swimmers have a 2% advantage by shaving in water. 268 00:36:49,180 --> 00:36:56,540 The main reason given is it's easier to clean out a wound, sticking plasters stay on better, 269 00:36:56,540 --> 00:37:02,660 - they have their calves massaged an enormous amount... - And look far better in stockings. 270 00:37:02,660 --> 00:37:08,940 Yes, you're right. Personal aesthetic considerations. It's part of le look. 271 00:37:08,940 --> 00:37:14,980 Austrian cyclist Rene Haselbacher had his shorts ripped off in the 2003 Tour 272 00:37:14,980 --> 00:37:20,260 and it emerged that he shaved the whole area. Rather a Brazilian. 273 00:37:20,260 --> 00:37:24,900 But still designer stubble. How odd is that? 274 00:37:24,900 --> 00:37:29,540 - Shaved from neck to toe. - It's a shame it doesn't make any difference. 275 00:37:29,540 --> 00:37:34,220 It was my excuse for going five hours slower than the guy who won. 276 00:37:34,220 --> 00:37:41,460 - Which stage did you do? - There's an open stage every year, an amateur stage. 277 00:37:41,460 --> 00:37:45,620 - You're allowed to join in? - Two weeks before they do. 8,000 of us. 278 00:37:45,620 --> 00:37:50,380 And by the end there were 4,000 of us left. 279 00:37:50,380 --> 00:37:55,340 I started in 2,400th place and finished in 3,400th place. 280 00:37:55,340 --> 00:38:02,460 - Oh, no! - 1,000 people overtook you?! - I was passed... by a thousand people! 281 00:38:19,460 --> 00:38:24,660 And it took me nine hours to catch up the bloke with one leg. 282 00:38:24,660 --> 00:38:27,300 - Ohhh! - LAUGHTER 283 00:38:27,300 --> 00:38:31,380 I'm full of admiration for you, Hugh. Absolutely wonderful. 284 00:38:31,380 --> 00:38:35,700 Why do Spaniards lisp when they speak? 285 00:38:35,700 --> 00:38:42,180 - Because the King lisped, and everyone copied him. - HOOTER 286 00:38:42,180 --> 00:38:48,620 There is no evidence whatsoever for this. If it were true, they'd lisp all the time. 287 00:38:48,620 --> 00:38:56,500 They'd say Ethpagna, but they don't, except in very small areas, but that's considered bumpkinish. 288 00:38:56,500 --> 00:39:03,540 - It's just a story that's got around and isn't true. - Do you know that story about Arnold Schwarzenegger? 289 00:39:03,540 --> 00:39:09,980 When they made Terminator and did a German version, he said, "Can I dub it back into German 290 00:39:09,980 --> 00:39:17,860 "because I speak German?" And they said, "No." Because he's Austrian and sounds like a farmer. 291 00:39:19,460 --> 00:39:23,820 - COUNTRY ACCENT: - Now where's John Connor? 292 00:39:23,820 --> 00:39:29,460 - Oi've come from the future. - "Hastar la vistar, baby!" 293 00:39:29,460 --> 00:39:34,340 - What a thought. - "Oi want your jacket." 294 00:39:34,340 --> 00:39:38,380 It has nothing to do with sucking up to the King. 295 00:39:38,380 --> 00:39:42,820 It isn't technically a lisp, but a feature of pronunciation, 296 00:39:42,820 --> 00:39:48,860 no different from the curious Northern British pronunciation of bath and grass. 297 00:39:48,860 --> 00:39:56,100 - Talking of kings, what did they call the man who won the Battle of Hastings? - Harold. 298 00:39:56,100 --> 00:39:59,060 - No, he lost, didn't he? - Yes. 299 00:39:59,060 --> 00:40:02,740 - William... - The Conqueror. 300 00:40:02,740 --> 00:40:04,940 - HOOTER - No. 301 00:40:04,940 --> 00:40:10,660 - We call him William the Conqueror. What did they call him? - William Le Conqueror. 302 00:40:10,660 --> 00:40:17,260 The fact is the word William didn't exist at all as a name at the time of the conquest. 303 00:40:17,260 --> 00:40:23,460 He was Guillaume le Batard, William the Bastard. That's how he was known by the French. 304 00:40:23,460 --> 00:40:30,340 - It wasn't rude to call him that. - The bloke on the left appears to be riding a llama. 305 00:40:31,580 --> 00:40:37,420 And he's got a parrot. A random pirate has arrived in the middle! 306 00:40:37,420 --> 00:40:45,260 "I've arrived on a busy day here in Hastings. Who's doing the embroidery? Get my good side!" 307 00:40:45,260 --> 00:40:49,660 As you might see in the top left corner, 308 00:40:49,660 --> 00:40:55,980 - the word William is developing. It's become Wilgelm. - No, it's Wil 6 Elm. 309 00:40:55,980 --> 00:40:58,380 Normanno. I like that. 310 00:40:58,380 --> 00:41:03,220 Is that like medieval text speak? They never put the whole thing in. 311 00:41:08,720 --> 00:41:12,920 "We've invaded Britain. lol" LAUGHTER 312 00:41:16,920 --> 00:41:20,160 O...M...G! Very good. 313 00:41:20,160 --> 00:41:24,960 So... They have indeed. That's basically the point. 314 00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:30,160 All the Saxon names disappear within 50 years of the invasion. 315 00:41:30,160 --> 00:41:36,200 Earwigs and Ethelreds and those names. They became Hugo and Robert and Richard and William. 316 00:41:36,200 --> 00:41:43,040 William - one in every seven men in England was called William within 50 years of the conquest. 317 00:41:52,540 --> 00:41:57,340 But sacre bleu and zut alors, it is zat time, ladies and gentlemen. 318 00:41:57,340 --> 00:42:02,380 Garcon, l'addition, s'il vous plait. I have the scores in front of me. 319 00:42:02,380 --> 00:42:08,100 Here is the damage. Well, well, well, well, well. We have an outright winner. 320 00:42:08,100 --> 00:42:13,140 - With 15 clear points, it's Hugh Dennis! - Alors! 321 00:42:23,920 --> 00:42:28,560 In second place, with cinq, it's Jo Brand! 322 00:42:28,560 --> 00:42:31,000 Not bad for a girl. 323 00:42:31,840 --> 00:42:36,680 In third place, with minus deux, it's Phill Jupitus! 324 00:42:40,320 --> 00:42:46,760 But with a magnifique, minus trente-neuf - minus 39 - Alan Davies! 325 00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:52,640 Well, well, well. 326 00:42:56,200 --> 00:43:00,240 It only remains for me to wish you au revoir, a bientot, adieu. 327 00:43:00,240 --> 00:43:03,840 And to say thank you to Jo, Hugh, Phill and Alan. 328 00:43:03,840 --> 00:43:09,880 I leave you with the perfect French-baiting headline from the Daily Telegraph of 1929. 329 00:43:09,880 --> 00:43:16,200 "Great storm in Channel. Continent isolated." Salut, maintenant. Merci. 330 00:43:27,880 --> 00:43:31,920 Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2009 331 00:43:32,880 --> 00:43:35,520 Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk