1 00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:26,080 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 2 00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:37,200 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome. 3 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:42,640 Welcome one and welcome all once again to Never Mind The Buzzcocks. 4 00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:47,240 I'm Natasha Kaplinsky and I'm not wearing any pants. 5 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:50,840 No, no, I fooled you. Actually, I'm Stephen, really, and this 6 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:53,640 is QI, though I'm not wearing pants. 7 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:56,880 Tonight, we are playing footloose and fancy free with the 8 00:00:56,880 --> 00:01:01,760 facts as we filter the fabrications of fakes, frauds and fakirs. 9 00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:04,800 Let's meet our four finagling fraudsters. 10 00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:09,560 We have World Heavyweight boxing champion, Sean Lock. 11 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:11,000 APPLAUSE 12 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:19,920 We have the President of Mauritius, Jimmy Carr! 13 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:22,160 APPLAUSE 14 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:29,200 His identical twin sister, Marcus Brigstocke. 15 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:31,560 APPLAUSE 16 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:39,080 And the late Hugh Montgomery-Massingberd. 17 00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:41,520 APPLAUSE 18 00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:49,320 Right. Now, you might like to reveal who you really are, 19 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:53,200 but, before I sell you all - thank you, you can bring that down. 20 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,600 Thank you very much. 21 00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:57,880 Before I sell you all a pup, let's hear your suspicious noises. 22 00:01:57,880 --> 00:01:58,920 Sean goes... 23 00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:01,040 ELECTRIC SAWING 24 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,040 Jimmy goes... 25 00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:07,440 CLICKING AND WHIRRING 26 00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:11,360 - Marcus goes... - SIREN BLARES 27 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:15,120 - And Alan goes... - PHONE RINGS 28 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:20,680 Which brings me to my first sleight of hand. Could you tell me 29 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:23,040 all what your buzzer noises are? Jimmy first. 30 00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:25,040 CLICKING AND WHIRRING 31 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:26,160 What's that noise? 32 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:27,400 A camera, like a like. 33 00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:28,960 ALARM BELLS RING 34 00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:32,360 No, actually... 35 00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:35,480 ALAN BUZZES - PHONE RINGS 36 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:38,560 - That's a phone. - Is it not... 37 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:43,680 is it not a...a bird that can mimic sounds and it learned 38 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:47,520 - how to do the camera shutter. - So what sort of bird would that be? 39 00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:50,000 A Kodak bird. 40 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:55,800 - It's not that. It's from Australia. - Oh, the kookaburra. - No. 41 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:59,400 - Sheila. - No. The audience knows, say again loudly? 42 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:00,600 Lyre bird! 43 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:02,920 Lyre, they're all shouting lyre at you! 44 00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:05,080 You've robbed my point. 45 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:07,560 You get one, the audience gets five. 46 00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:10,080 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 47 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:18,080 In fact, they're a specific breed of lyre bird called 48 00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:21,240 - the superb lyre bird. - It can mimic anything? 49 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:23,080 - Almost anything. - I'd make it woof. 50 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:26,120 How funny would that be if you had a bird that woofed? 51 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:29,560 I'd get it to do limericks. 52 00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:32,640 - It does dogs. - I'd probably get it to do Bill Oddie. 53 00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:38,240 Surely that should be a bearded tit if it was any bird. 54 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:42,120 You're thinking of Rory McGrath. 55 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:46,040 True! Yours was a superb lyre. 56 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:47,560 Marcus, let's hear yours. 57 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:48,760 SIREN BLARES 58 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:56,880 It could easily be a builder, couldn't it? Seeing a lady go past, 59 00:03:56,880 --> 00:04:00,840 but it sounds like a car alarm. 60 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:02,680 ALARM BELLS RING 61 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:05,680 - Oh. Thank you for joining in. - I just wanted to see that happen. 62 00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:06,920 Lyre bird! 63 00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:09,920 Yes! He's right! 64 00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:12,160 APPLAUSE 65 00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:20,440 And here it is making that noise. 66 00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:22,560 BIRD SINGS LIKE A SIREN 67 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:26,880 It's lyre, incidentally - L-Y-R-E, not... 68 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:29,760 I knew that. Would I have got a point if I'd said that? 69 00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:33,680 No. Because it's tail is said to resemble the shape of a Greek lyre, 70 00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:35,440 the plucking instrument, a lyre. 71 00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:37,840 And let's hear your buzzer, Sean, if we may? 72 00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:38,880 It's a lyre bird. 73 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:41,560 ELECTRIC SAWING 74 00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:46,600 - I don't know what it's mimicking. - It's doing a saw, isn't it? 75 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:48,680 - It's mimicking logging. - Chainsaw. 76 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:50,400 It is indeed doing a chainsaw. 77 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:51,920 Is it a lyre bird? 78 00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:55,040 It's a lyre bird. You seem to have got the hang of this. 79 00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:57,120 That's very annoying. So Alan... 80 00:04:57,120 --> 00:04:58,160 PHONE RINGS 81 00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:00,600 - That's a lyre bird. - Nooo!! 82 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:02,200 ALARM BELLS RING 83 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:08,600 - No. No. Oh, dear. No. - Even as I said it, I knew it wasn't. 84 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,760 Even as it was coming out of my mouth, story of my bloody life. 85 00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:13,720 - That was a telephone. - Yeah? 86 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:16,600 - Couldn't you tell? - No, I thought it was... 87 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:19,960 Ironically, Alan, the big siren that went off there - it was a lyre bird. 88 00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:25,560 I can't see that bird surviving for much longer - if it's doing 89 00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:28,760 impressions of the chainsaw that's coming towards it. 90 00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:31,160 But how does it benefit it, in the wild - 91 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:34,280 being able to mimic the noises of other things? 92 00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:36,520 It does a lot of kids parties and a lot of... 93 00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:34,240 They're not really words, though, are they? When birds say words, 94 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:37,640 - they're not words. They're noises. - No, to our ears, they are. 95 00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:40,000 Cos people want to learn to talk to animals. 96 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,000 People say, I'd like to talk to animals. 97 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,760 It would actually be quite dull, talking to animals. 98 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:47,800 - What did you do? "Got up, had some food." - Grunt and squawk. 99 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:49,960 Didn't get killed, turned out all right. 100 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:53,160 Got out of bed, shat right next to the bed, got back into it. 101 00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:57,400 - Oh. - It's the sort of thing they do. - Yes - disgusting. 102 00:07:57,400 --> 00:08:01,160 Anyway, moving on, the first three were, of course, the work of the 103 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:04,720 finest fibber of the forest, the superb lyre bird, which can imitate 104 00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:07,240 just about any sound it hears. 105 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:11,840 So, now, what was unusual about the pig-faced lady? 106 00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:14,240 She had eight tits. 107 00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:17,720 She wasn't really a lady, she was a pig. 108 00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:21,080 - You know, if that's her, that is a pig. - No, no. There was a 109 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:24,560 very famous, in fact there were a number of famous pig-faced ladies 110 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:27,040 - in the 19th century. - They'd be a curiosity in a tent. 111 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:30,880 That's it - say that again, so the ladies and gentlemen at home can 112 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:33,040 - hear you. - A curiosity in a tent. - Exactly. 113 00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:36,440 My favourite sort of curiosity. A tented curiosity. 114 00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:39,080 It was a big draw in the 19th century for people to go 115 00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:41,280 pay to see the pig-faced lady. 116 00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:44,280 The thing I think about those freak shows is, rather than pay 117 00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:45,760 to go in the tent, why don't 118 00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:49,160 you just wait til they finish work and go down the shops? 119 00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:50,840 You don't get all the build up. 120 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:53,960 If they're just down the shop, you don't get someone saying, 121 00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:57,440 Prepare for the wonderful... Oh, she's just buying biscuits. 122 00:08:57,440 --> 00:09:01,920 It's not the same thing. Was it a bearded lady that they shaved? 123 00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:05,280 - No, but it was a shaved...? - Pig. 124 00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:06,680 - No. - Monkey. - She was a... 125 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:10,040 Not a monkey. Monkeys would have to be huge. It'd have to be a gorilla. 126 00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:12,440 - Horse? - All right, a gorilla. - Horse! 127 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:14,400 - Cat! - A cow. - Not a cow. - A pig. - No, a pig 128 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:18,920 - would be too small to be convincing as a woman. - Well, pigs are massive. 129 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:21,440 You're thinking about little pigs in cartoons. 130 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:23,480 They're not going to stand up and look human. 131 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:26,480 You put a dress on most things, they can pull it off. 132 00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:30,600 - I look like one, I put a dress on. - I think I've heard of this. - Yeah? 133 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:34,320 - Is it a bear? - Yes, thank you! It's a bear. - They shaved a bear. 134 00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:36,960 They would get a bear drunk, shave the bear's face. 135 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:41,200 Get a bear drunk and shave it?! They've got the show backwards! 136 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:42,600 That's what you want to see. 137 00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:45,920 Don't care about the pig-faced woman, I wanna see a man trying to 138 00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:48,000 - shave a bear. - A drunken bear. 139 00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:52,640 Have another drink, I'm not going to do anything to you. That's insane! 140 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:55,800 And then they stick his arm in a beehive. 141 00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:02,560 When they got them drunk, was this like paralytic so it would then pass 142 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:06,840 out and they'd shave it, or drunk enough to persuade it that this... 143 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,600 Drunk enough for it not to wipe your face of with... 144 00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:14,040 - with one swipe of its paw. - With its claw, right. - Hot towel, sir? 145 00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:16,280 Rrrrrrarr. 146 00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:19,720 Oh, go on then, ha ha. Go on then, whatever, go on. 147 00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,400 Go for your life, go on. 148 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:23,480 - Here's a quite interesting thing. - Yeah. 149 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:29,560 - Water softens beard bristle up better than shaving foam. - Does it? 150 00:10:29,560 --> 00:10:33,080 Yeah. Shaving foam is a con. 151 00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:38,080 I think there's a current advert on for some skin preparation for 152 00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:41,040 men that goes on about how your skin can get stronger. 153 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:44,720 Obviously they don't want to market moisturiser to men, so they call it 154 00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:48,840 - face protector. - Yes. - Like it's stopping bullets hitting it. 155 00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:53,160 It's not to do with making me all soft and lovely, 156 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:55,000 it's actually bang and bash it. 157 00:10:56,600 --> 00:11:00,120 People are throwing kettles at me. 158 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:05,080 They have bearded ladies, you've mentioned - long tradition of those. 159 00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:07,080 There was one rather sweet story 160 00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:10,840 of a bearded lady who fell in love with a contortionist in... 161 00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:12,880 This sounds like an old joke. 162 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:15,560 It does sound like it. But it wasn't. He wouldn't marry 163 00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:19,280 her because he couldn't really face the idea every morning of staring at 164 00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:22,800 a bearded woman, but also, if she shaved, they couldn't get married 165 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:25,760 cos they wouldn't have enough income because hers came from 166 00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:29,240 the fact that she was a very successful bearded lady and... 167 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,280 So he shaved the bear and married that? 168 00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:33,360 No. Someone else suggested that she 169 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:36,200 shave and cover herself in tattoos and she became the 170 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:40,040 first tattooed lady and they married and lived very happily ever after. 171 00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:42,960 - Rather touching. - But if he was a contortionist, 172 00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:46,000 they could've had sex and he could've been in a different room. 173 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:49,960 Indeed, the nature of exactly that. Samuel Gumpertz was considered 174 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,560 the King of the freak show people at Coney Island. 175 00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:56,640 He had a 1911 show that included Ursa the Bear Girl, Bonita... 176 00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:58,520 Was she just a naked lady? 177 00:11:58,520 --> 00:12:02,320 - No, no. - The bare girl is misleading. - B-E-A-R. 178 00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:05,440 A lot of people paid their money and went, "Oh, this is rubbish." 179 00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:08,120 She looks like a bear. If anything, I'm turned off. 180 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:13,840 There was Bonita - I don't know why this is funny, the Irish Fat Midget. 181 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:19,080 - You don't know why that's funny? - Yeah, I was going to say that. 182 00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:26,000 Lionel the Dog-Faced Boy and Sharif Affendal, the human salamander. 183 00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:28,960 - Salamanders can go in fire, can't they? - That's the legend. 184 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:33,080 - So he would stand in the fire? - Presumably that's what happened. 185 00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:36,440 - How long can a salamander go in fire? - Till it's cooked. 186 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:40,880 Well, there you have it, anyway. 187 00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:43,960 The pig-faced lady was neither pig-faced nor lady. 188 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:47,920 She was in fact a drunken bear with a shaven head. 189 00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:51,840 Now, what was Count Victor Lustig's dastardly scheme 190 00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:55,040 for Guy de Maupassant's favourite restaurant in Paris? 191 00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:59,400 Did he put a creepy black and white cardboard cut out of himself 192 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:00,960 in the middle of the place? 193 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:06,320 Guy de Maupassant - 19th century French writer - like many French 194 00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:10,800 writers, a surprising number of French writers and artists, in the 195 00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:15,160 - 19th century, objected to something new to Paris in 1889. - Eiffel Tower. 196 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:18,240 The Eiffel Tower. They absolutely loathed it. 197 00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:21,120 - They hated it. - Guy de Maupassant loathed it so much 198 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:24,000 that his favourite restaurant was? 199 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:29,080 - The Eiffel Tower Is Crap" bistro. - No - it was in the Eiffel Tower. 200 00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:32,600 - Oh, so he didn't have to look at it. - So, exactly, the one place in Paris 201 00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:36,160 where he couldn't see the Eiffel Tower was inside the Eiffel Tower. 202 00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:39,680 Could he not just ask for, perhaps, a chair facing the other way? 203 00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:45,000 He was a French writer trying to make a point and therefore a git. 204 00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:47,680 That's only half the story. 205 00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:51,480 What did Count Victor Lustig do to the Eiffel Tower? 206 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:55,560 - He sold it to someone. - Oh, Alan, you're on fire tonight! 207 00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:58,600 - I'm on fire, I'm a salamander! - On fire! You are a salamander. 208 00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:00,080 He did indeed sell it. 209 00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:02,480 Congratulations. A million points. 210 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:04,440 I'm on fire. 211 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,280 That's quite a good salamander, actually. 212 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:10,560 - Do they do that foot thing? - They probably do. 213 00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,240 Cooling foot, cooling foot. 214 00:14:14,560 --> 00:14:17,520 A salamander is amongst us. 215 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:19,640 So he sold the Eiffel Tower? 216 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:21,280 To a gullible tourist? 217 00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:25,160 Well, actually, in this case, it was scrap metal dealers. He claimed that 218 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:28,120 he had the single right given to him by the Ministry of Posts 219 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:32,200 and Telegraphy to the sale, and that he could personally decide who would 220 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:36,520 get the scrap metal rights and he told this to two scrap metal dealers 221 00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:39,040 and they realised that as he was a French official, 222 00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:44,840 he could be bribed, so they paid him a large bribe for the rights to it. 223 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:48,840 He told them it was to be pulled down and he had the rights to it. 224 00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:51,920 It was never permanent. They put it up for a couple of years. 225 00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,400 Yes, so it was a convincing... 226 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,760 It's like that big wheel on the South Bank. Meant to be up for two years - 227 00:14:56,760 --> 00:15:00,480 they kept it. Fairground people, New Labour, when they came in. 228 00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:04,320 They went, "We need the Millennium Dome and a big ferris wheel. 229 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:08,360 Come on, if you want to go faster, you've got to scream louder. 230 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:12,000 There's loads of pregnant teenagers knocking on Number Ten, going, 231 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:13,920 Where are you, you've moved on?. 232 00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:18,680 There was a great former actor from Glasgow called Arthur Furguson. 233 00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:22,960 He sold Nelson's Column, lions included, to an American 234 00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:26,600 tourist for £6000, and on a trip to Paris, he managed to sell the Eiffel 235 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:30,240 Tower as well, also for scrap to another gullible American. 236 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,880 - I love these people. - He then moved to the US. 237 00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:36,240 Do you think they try lots of people and eventually someone buys it? 238 00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:39,960 - He sold the White House to an American. - Just brilliant. 239 00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:41,560 Sell me, sell me! 240 00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:44,640 He then tried to sell the Statue of Liberty to an Australian 241 00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:46,320 and that's where it fell down. 242 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:48,640 Oh, come on, mate. 243 00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:50,480 He didn't even have the keys. 244 00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:53,680 How am I going to get it home? 245 00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:59,160 Where's the guarantee? 246 00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:02,480 Well, in case we think this is something that's gone away, only 247 00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:05,960 this year, 2008, ladies and gentlemen as we go, two businessmen, 248 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:09,880 called Terry Collins and Marcel Boekhoorn, were conned out of 249 00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:16,680 £1 million by an unemployed lorry driver named Tony Lee who claimed to 250 00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:22,200 be acting for the real owners in the sale of the Ritz Hotel 251 00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:25,920 and they paid £1 million for a sort of down payment on the Ritz. 252 00:22:14,620 --> 00:22:17,500 Now, you are the detective for these 253 00:22:17,500 --> 00:22:19,100 questions coming up. 254 00:22:19,100 --> 00:22:20,820 We all think we can spot a con, but 255 00:22:20,820 --> 00:22:24,540 tell me how you would have dealt with these situations. 256 00:22:24,540 --> 00:22:28,180 You become suspicious of three buxom young women who are coming out of 257 00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:32,260 the telephone exchange carrying heavy suitcases and jangling. 258 00:22:32,260 --> 00:22:35,180 Where is the jangling coming from? Is it coming from A, 259 00:22:35,180 --> 00:22:39,860 the telephone exchange, B, the suitcases or C, their bosoms? 260 00:22:41,740 --> 00:22:43,460 D, my trousers. 261 00:22:44,300 --> 00:22:45,620 Right, and we're in Miami 262 00:22:45,620 --> 00:22:49,860 in 1950 and this was a very well-known scandal at the time. 263 00:22:49,860 --> 00:22:56,340 These women were responsible for the money that got collected 264 00:22:56,340 --> 00:23:00,100 from the phone boxes and their job was to 265 00:23:00,100 --> 00:23:04,500 put the money into these counting machines and they worked out that 266 00:23:04,500 --> 00:23:08,380 as long as they stole the money before it went into the counting 267 00:23:08,380 --> 00:23:12,020 machines, the phone company had no idea of how much money there was. 268 00:23:12,020 --> 00:23:14,700 - So they would take money and... - Put it in their bras. 269 00:23:14,700 --> 00:23:18,940 And then put it in the counting machine. Once it's in the machine, it's accounted for, but 270 00:23:18,940 --> 00:23:22,940 over a number of years, no-one knows how much they got away with, 271 00:23:22,940 --> 00:23:27,140 maybe hundreds of thousands of dollars, in their breasts, 272 00:23:27,140 --> 00:23:29,900 and eventually they got found out. 273 00:23:29,900 --> 00:23:32,660 - There we have a picture. - It looks like she's gone 274 00:23:32,660 --> 00:23:34,580 to a really bad strip club. 275 00:23:34,580 --> 00:23:37,220 People have only got change, "There you go, love." 276 00:23:37,220 --> 00:23:40,140 It might be cold, sorry about that. 277 00:23:40,140 --> 00:23:43,980 The headline on the day that this happened was "Justice, as elastic 278 00:23:43,980 --> 00:23:48,260 as the items in which they carried their loot, snapped back today, on 279 00:23:48,260 --> 00:23:51,380 members of Miami's Brassiere Brigade. 280 00:23:51,380 --> 00:23:55,540 - Is that a headline? - That was a headline. It was a huge story. 281 00:23:55,540 --> 00:23:58,420 If you were The Sun, you'd go, "Money in their tits!" 282 00:23:58,420 --> 00:24:01,260 - I'm afraid it would be exactly that. - Titty cash". 283 00:24:01,260 --> 00:24:03,900 Tit bag grab slag. 284 00:24:03,900 --> 00:24:07,740 And then there'd be a girl on Page Three and it would say, 285 00:24:07,740 --> 00:24:11,540 Zoe is very disappointed by the Brassiere Brigade. 286 00:24:11,540 --> 00:24:14,740 She thinks it's wrong to steal. 287 00:24:14,740 --> 00:24:17,460 You do seem to know their ways very well, Alan. 288 00:24:17,460 --> 00:24:21,580 Saddam Hussein has been found in a hole, that was one of them. 289 00:24:21,580 --> 00:24:22,980 That was my favourite one. 290 00:24:27,180 --> 00:24:30,700 Stefanie is delighted that Saddam Hussein has been captured. 291 00:24:33,620 --> 00:24:36,860 Then you'd say, "When I found out he'd been captured... 292 00:24:38,940 --> 00:24:41,900 - ..I took a moment to celebrate. - I'm ashamed of you. 293 00:24:41,900 --> 00:24:45,140 It's not real. It's your imagination, I'm just doing that. 294 00:24:46,620 --> 00:24:48,980 That will not answer. 295 00:24:48,980 --> 00:24:52,020 - I wish I could do that. - I can, oddly enough. 296 00:24:52,020 --> 00:24:56,500 - Did you ever celebrate with them? - My nipples are going in the wrong 297 00:24:56,500 --> 00:25:00,100 direction, they're dropping an inch a year. It's terrible. 298 00:25:00,100 --> 00:25:03,820 - However I have... - Can you get a pencil underneath them? 299 00:25:03,820 --> 00:25:06,660 I can get Colin Montgomery underneath them. 300 00:25:06,660 --> 00:25:08,260 APPLAUSE 301 00:25:12,660 --> 00:25:14,740 He must have been livid about that. 302 00:25:15,740 --> 00:25:18,140 In 1950, the Brassiere Brigade defrauded the 303 00:25:18,140 --> 00:25:23,260 Southern Bell telephone company line by hiding the takings in their bras. 304 00:30:33,260 --> 00:30:36,580 Now, what's the trick behind sword swallowing? 305 00:30:36,580 --> 00:30:38,420 Wipe it first. 306 00:30:38,420 --> 00:30:41,660 - Yeah. - Stop when you reach the handle. 307 00:30:43,420 --> 00:30:45,020 Never use a scimitar. 308 00:30:45,020 --> 00:30:49,300 - Doesn't it just...fold up? - No, no. There are people who believe... 309 00:30:49,300 --> 00:30:51,220 Euuuuhhhh! 310 00:30:51,220 --> 00:30:54,740 There are people who insist it is a fake somehow but it is genuine. 311 00:30:54,740 --> 00:30:59,060 I wonder if it ever comes out and it's got a bit of meat on the end? 312 00:30:59,060 --> 00:31:02,700 - Yeah. - I think the actual secret of doing it is to do it really 313 00:31:02,700 --> 00:31:06,460 quick and if it gets caught on anything, just jab it. 314 00:31:08,420 --> 00:31:11,940 What do you think the most common complaint is when they see doctors? 315 00:31:11,940 --> 00:31:14,660 - I imagine it's gastric. - It's a sore throat. - Is it? 316 00:31:14,660 --> 00:31:18,580 Pretty obviously, but they genuinely do suffer from sore throats and they 317 00:31:18,580 --> 00:31:20,740 pop it down and there's a limit. 318 00:31:20,740 --> 00:31:24,500 61cm. Any longer than 61cm, you could gravely injure yourself, 319 00:31:24,500 --> 00:31:29,220 but anything less than 40cm and you are not 320 00:31:29,220 --> 00:31:33,180 recognised as a sword swallower by the Association of Sword Swallowers. 321 00:31:33,180 --> 00:31:36,140 What if you're short? I mean, surely height... 322 00:31:36,140 --> 00:31:37,860 You'd think, but unfortunately 323 00:31:37,860 --> 00:31:41,580 the Society of Sword Swallowers had laid down 40cm. 324 00:31:41,580 --> 00:31:44,780 Cos if you're a midget, you've got to stab yourself in the ass. 325 00:31:50,340 --> 00:31:53,060 How do you not just gag immediately? 326 00:31:53,060 --> 00:31:55,220 That's the point, there's a trick - not a trick, 327 00:31:55,220 --> 00:31:59,380 but the secret is you have to learn to overcome your gag reflex, first. 328 00:31:59,380 --> 00:32:02,740 That's hard. That's why I can't wear contact lenses, because 329 00:32:02,740 --> 00:32:05,900 - I gag when I touch my eye. - Well, you're putting them in wrong. 330 00:32:10,820 --> 00:32:13,100 Put them in the front. 331 00:32:14,340 --> 00:32:18,220 You know if you pull a pekingese's tail, its eyes pop out. 332 00:32:21,580 --> 00:32:24,820 That's the rest of my week sorted, I'm buying a pekingese. 333 00:32:24,820 --> 00:32:26,020 I line them up. 334 00:32:26,020 --> 00:32:28,180 HE HUMS CIRCUS TUNE 335 00:32:29,940 --> 00:32:33,700 It's like that, I touch my eye and I actually go... 336 00:32:33,700 --> 00:32:40,500 Really? It's a 4,000-year-old art, it seems - sword swallowing. 337 00:32:40,500 --> 00:32:44,060 It's not a trick at all, it's a real skill. That's the point. 338 00:34:48,060 --> 00:34:52,420 And so we reach the toast of conmen, fraudsters and swindlers everywhere, 339 00:34:52,420 --> 00:34:53,900 general ignorance. 340 00:34:53,900 --> 00:34:57,340 What's New London Bridge doing in Arizona? 341 00:34:57,340 --> 00:34:59,220 PHONE RINGS 342 00:34:59,220 --> 00:35:00,620 Yay? 343 00:35:01,900 --> 00:35:04,580 It was bought as a tourist attraction 344 00:35:04,580 --> 00:35:09,260 and it's the third most popular tourist attraction in America. 345 00:35:09,260 --> 00:35:12,980 And it acts as a dry way of getting across some water. 346 00:35:14,300 --> 00:35:16,700 - That sounds pretty good to me. - Nothing's gone off. 347 00:35:16,700 --> 00:35:19,780 - No. - Sometimes the obvious answer is the truth. 348 00:35:19,780 --> 00:35:23,140 Is it true they thought they were buying Tower Bridge? 349 00:35:23,140 --> 00:35:24,580 ALARM BELLS RING 350 00:35:26,660 --> 00:35:27,740 APPLAUSE 351 00:35:27,740 --> 00:35:31,980 No, that was the one. It was a man called McCulloch of McCulloch's Oil 352 00:35:31,980 --> 00:35:34,940 who bought it and he bought it after much negotiation and 353 00:35:34,940 --> 00:35:38,460 indeed there are photographs of him looking round it and working out how 354 00:35:38,460 --> 00:35:41,740 to transport it so he knew perfectly well what bridge he was buying. 355 00:35:41,740 --> 00:35:44,900 It was called New London Bridge because the Old London Bridge had 356 00:35:44,900 --> 00:35:47,620 been crossing the Thames at that point for how long? 357 00:35:47,620 --> 00:35:50,180 - Million years. - 300 years or something? 358 00:35:50,180 --> 00:35:53,380 Since the time of the dinosaurs. They built it. 359 00:35:53,380 --> 00:35:56,220 - 600 years. - It was big enough for a blue whale to go under. 360 00:35:56,220 --> 00:36:00,780 It held good for 600 years and was covered in shops and buildings. 361 00:36:00,780 --> 00:36:04,260 It was much quicker to get a ferry across than to try and walk across 362 00:36:04,260 --> 00:36:07,580 the bridge. It was so filled with entertainment and shops, 363 00:36:07,580 --> 00:36:10,300 - ragamuffin pubs. - I want a bridge like that again. 364 00:36:10,300 --> 00:36:12,420 I know. I wish it was still like that. 365 00:36:12,420 --> 00:36:15,060 Anyway, Robert McCulloch. He took New London Bridge to 366 00:36:15,060 --> 00:36:18,500 Arizona to promote his new settlement at Lake Havasu, 367 00:36:18,500 --> 00:36:20,460 where it's been a huge success. 368 00:36:20,460 --> 00:36:25,260 Contrary to the myth, he never thought he was buying Tower Bridge. 369 00:36:25,260 --> 00:36:28,580 A lot of what we eat seems to be faked these days. 370 00:36:28,580 --> 00:36:32,180 If I send you down to the shops for some butter and they don't have any, 371 00:36:32,180 --> 00:36:35,180 - what can you get me instead? - Some beer, get you some beer. 372 00:36:35,180 --> 00:36:37,700 Yes, you could, but instead of beer... 373 00:36:37,700 --> 00:36:39,420 Margarine? People get margarine? 374 00:36:39,420 --> 00:36:40,820 ALARM BELLS RING 375 00:36:40,820 --> 00:36:44,100 You can't palm me off with margarine, I was about to say, but 376 00:36:44,100 --> 00:36:45,460 that sounds rather rude. 377 00:36:47,980 --> 00:36:50,260 You can... No, you can't. 378 00:36:50,260 --> 00:36:53,340 You literally cannot buy margarine in England any more. 379 00:36:53,340 --> 00:36:55,940 Can you get it on the internet? 380 00:36:55,940 --> 00:36:58,620 - Possibly, but not from Britain. - Yeah. There's dodgy... 381 00:36:58,620 --> 00:37:00,380 dodgy margarine sites. 382 00:37:00,380 --> 00:37:02,780 The UK Spreads Association 383 00:37:02,780 --> 00:37:05,500 used to be called the Margarine and Spreads Association. 384 00:37:05,500 --> 00:37:09,460 We would like to make it clear, their spokesman told a startled QI 385 00:37:09,460 --> 00:37:13,740 researcher, "we would like to make it clear there are no brands of 386 00:37:13,740 --> 00:37:15,820 margarine on sale in Britain today. 387 00:37:15,820 --> 00:37:17,540 Is it because margarine contains... 388 00:37:17,540 --> 00:37:19,740 Did they just change the name? 389 00:37:19,740 --> 00:37:21,540 Because it contains 80 to 90% fat. 390 00:37:21,540 --> 00:37:23,420 Its natural colour, margarine, is? 391 00:37:23,420 --> 00:37:25,820 Blue. 392 00:37:25,820 --> 00:37:28,620 White, in fact and in America, the dairy industry 393 00:37:28,620 --> 00:37:31,500 was so horrified by it in the 19th century when it was invented 394 00:37:31,500 --> 00:37:33,940 that they had various laws insisting 395 00:37:33,940 --> 00:37:37,820 that it not be coloured yellow to look like butter, so it stayed 396 00:37:37,820 --> 00:37:41,100 white, or in some states where the dairy industry was very powerful, 397 00:37:41,100 --> 00:37:44,100 like New Hampshire, they insisted it be coloured red. 398 00:37:44,100 --> 00:37:46,980 So it really put people off spreading it on their toast. 399 00:37:46,980 --> 00:37:51,100 - Now, how many commandments are there? - Oh. - Yes? 400 00:37:51,100 --> 00:37:53,380 Are we talking about the commandments that God 401 00:37:53,380 --> 00:37:55,140 dictated to Moses on Mount Sinai? 402 00:37:55,140 --> 00:37:58,180 - Yeah. - Literally, none. Never happened. 403 00:37:58,180 --> 00:37:59,540 I'll go along with that! 404 00:37:59,540 --> 00:38:00,620 APPLAUSE 405 00:38:00,620 --> 00:38:06,740 - How many...how many are there in the Bible? - Oh, yeah... 406 00:38:06,740 --> 00:38:10,780 Well, now, you see, I've buzzed but I fear if I said ten... 407 00:38:11,340 --> 00:38:13,180 ALARM BELLS RING 408 00:38:16,020 --> 00:38:19,420 I think the Catholic church have just added some new ones. 409 00:38:19,420 --> 00:38:21,380 No, I'm talking about the original. 410 00:38:21,380 --> 00:38:24,380 - The original ones. - Nine. - Eight. 411 00:38:24,380 --> 00:38:26,100 ALARM BELLS RING 412 00:38:29,100 --> 00:38:32,540 There used to be that story, where the angel is sent down and he goes 413 00:38:32,540 --> 00:38:35,380 to the French and says, "I've got some commandments," 414 00:38:35,380 --> 00:38:39,860 and the French say, "Give me an example." He said, "Thou shalt not commit adultery." 415 00:38:39,860 --> 00:38:42,340 They said, "I'm not interested, go away." 416 00:38:42,340 --> 00:38:45,380 He then goes off then to Germans and says, "I've got these 417 00:38:45,380 --> 00:38:48,860 commandments," and the Germans say, "What do they say?" and he says, 418 00:38:48,860 --> 00:38:52,020 Well, for example, thou shall not kill. "I don't think so." 419 00:38:52,020 --> 00:38:54,900 And to the Italians, "Would you like some commandments? 420 00:38:54,900 --> 00:38:57,620 Here's one - thou shalt not steal. "Ah, go away." 421 00:38:57,620 --> 00:39:01,180 Then he goes to the Jews with these commandments. "How much are they?" 422 00:39:01,180 --> 00:39:03,180 They're free. "I'll take ten." 423 00:39:04,180 --> 00:39:07,180 If you look at the Ten Commandments, thou shalt not kill, 424 00:39:07,180 --> 00:39:10,020 which should be the major one, it should be at the top. 425 00:39:10,020 --> 00:39:13,140 It comes in about number five. It's got quite low billing 426 00:39:13,140 --> 00:39:16,780 and it should be in bold, shouldn't it? The other stuff is just nicking, 427 00:39:16,780 --> 00:39:19,900 staring at other people's wives, girlfriend, boyfriend. 428 00:39:19,900 --> 00:39:22,180 Well, in the list of those commandments taken 429 00:39:22,180 --> 00:39:24,540 from the mountain, there were actually 14 in both 430 00:39:24,540 --> 00:39:28,780 Exodus and Deuteronomy, not ten, but in Exodus, generally speaking, there 431 00:39:28,780 --> 00:39:30,740 are 613 commandments, including the 432 00:39:30,740 --> 00:39:33,940 really important ones that should be, as you say, put in bold, like 433 00:39:33,940 --> 00:39:39,340 you shall not suffer a witch to live or you should never vex a stranger. 434 00:39:41,100 --> 00:39:43,980 Well, this show should be taken off. 435 00:39:43,980 --> 00:39:47,860 Whosoever lies with a beast shall be surely put to death. 436 00:39:47,860 --> 00:39:50,020 Well, especially when it rolls over. 437 00:39:50,020 --> 00:39:53,180 - Exactly. - It just happened by accident. 438 00:39:53,180 --> 00:39:54,940 I didn't know she was a bear. 439 00:39:56,900 --> 00:40:00,420 I thought she was a pig. No, that doesn't do. 440 00:40:00,420 --> 00:40:02,060 Why do we think there's ten then? 441 00:40:02,060 --> 00:40:05,220 - It's referred to as ten in other books. - But, there is list of Ten 442 00:40:05,220 --> 00:40:09,300 - Commandments. - Yes, but if you go to Exodus 20, Deuteronomy five, it's 443 00:40:09,300 --> 00:40:12,940 not ten. They're actually divided, some are divided. 444 00:40:12,940 --> 00:40:16,500 - It doesn't mention anything about smoking, does it? - It doesn't. 445 00:40:16,500 --> 00:40:18,420 Where can you smoke now? 446 00:40:18,420 --> 00:40:21,700 It should just say, be good, if you can't be good, be lucky. 447 00:40:21,700 --> 00:40:25,100 Always wash your brushes and put your ladders away. 448 00:40:25,100 --> 00:40:28,300 So anyway, in the book of Exodus chapter 20, 449 00:40:28,300 --> 00:40:29,820 there are 14 commandments. 450 00:40:29,820 --> 00:40:33,460 If you include the rest of the book, we'd get up to 613. 451 00:40:33,460 --> 00:40:37,980 When I flip this coin that I have handily perched here, 452 00:40:37,980 --> 00:40:40,900 - what are the chances of it coming up heads? - 50:50. 453 00:40:40,900 --> 00:40:42,860 ALARM BELLS RING 454 00:40:44,020 --> 00:40:47,540 - You just keep walking into that lamp post, Alan, don't you? - I'm with Alan, 455 00:40:47,540 --> 00:40:50,900 - everything's 50:50. - Everything? - Winning the lottery's 50:50. 456 00:40:50,900 --> 00:40:52,900 You either win it or you don't. 457 00:40:52,900 --> 00:40:56,980 - Rolling a six, you either roll a six or you don't. 50:50. - Yeah. 458 00:40:56,980 --> 00:41:00,180 Naturally tossed coins obey the laws of mechanics and their flight 459 00:41:00,180 --> 00:41:03,660 is determined by their initial conditions and it's been discovered 460 00:41:03,660 --> 00:41:08,060 that if a human is flipping them, as opposed to a machine, and you do it 461 00:41:08,060 --> 00:41:12,460 thousands and thousands of times, rather than exactly 50:50, 462 00:41:12,460 --> 00:41:18,100 it will actually be 51%, the one that's upwards, in this case, heads. 463 00:41:18,100 --> 00:41:23,460 I bet that if you did it 100 times, it would never come down 51:49. 464 00:41:23,460 --> 00:41:26,020 Never, are you saying that? I think most people 465 00:41:26,020 --> 00:41:29,220 would say 100 isn't enough for 50:50 to establish itself. 466 00:41:29,220 --> 00:41:31,420 It could easily be 50 heads in a row. 467 00:41:31,420 --> 00:41:33,860 This is true, but what are the chances? 468 00:41:35,420 --> 00:41:39,300 I still can't get my head round the notion that it's just as likely to 469 00:41:39,300 --> 00:41:42,420 have one, two, three, four, five, six on the lottery 470 00:41:42,420 --> 00:41:44,860 and I still go, it just wouldn't happen. 471 00:41:44,860 --> 00:41:49,180 But you know why, you know why? Because it's a lottery. 472 00:41:49,180 --> 00:41:52,540 - I mean, the clue's in the title. - It is, yeah. 473 00:41:52,540 --> 00:41:55,740 And, after all that, I hope you believe me when I tell you that 474 00:41:55,740 --> 00:42:01,340 that's all we have time for - our 100% guaranteed authentic 475 00:42:01,340 --> 00:42:06,180 winner this evening, wow, this is so close, it's very exciting. 476 00:42:06,180 --> 00:42:09,140 With -16 points, it's Sean Lock. 477 00:42:09,140 --> 00:42:10,540 Thank you. 478 00:42:10,540 --> 00:42:11,820 APPLAUSE 479 00:42:13,540 --> 00:42:15,220 This is a night of firsts - 480 00:42:15,220 --> 00:42:18,900 still as sound as a pound with -18 is Jimmy Carr. 481 00:42:18,900 --> 00:42:20,700 APPLAUSE 482 00:42:28,260 --> 00:42:32,060 In third place, far from last with -21, Alan Davies! 483 00:42:32,060 --> 00:42:33,980 APPLAUSE 484 00:42:41,060 --> 00:42:44,540 You probably think you know who is coming last. I will tell you. 485 00:42:44,540 --> 00:42:47,180 In fourth place with -26, it's Marcus Brigstocke. 486 00:42:47,180 --> 00:42:48,700 Thank you. 487 00:42:48,700 --> 00:42:49,820 APPLAUSE 488 00:42:56,380 --> 00:42:59,220 So it's goodbye from Jimmy, Marcus, Sean, Alan and myself. 489 00:42:59,220 --> 00:43:03,100 We hope that this show has been a warning to you all against choosing 490 00:43:03,100 --> 00:43:05,060 the paths of fraud and fakery. 491 00:43:05,060 --> 00:43:09,180 As Groucho Marx said, "The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing and 492 00:43:09,180 --> 00:43:12,540 if you can fake that, you've got it made. Goodnight. 493 00:43:30,060 --> 00:43:33,740 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 494 00:43:33,740 --> 00:43:37,620 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk