1 00:00:24,500 --> 00:00:27,540 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:33,260 --> 00:00:35,460 Welcome! Good evening! 3 00:00:35,460 --> 00:00:38,380 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening. 4 00:00:38,380 --> 00:00:40,180 Welcome to QI. 5 00:00:40,180 --> 00:00:42,220 Tonight, we're fathoming the future, 6 00:00:42,220 --> 00:00:46,100 festooned with a fellowship of far-seeing forecasters. 7 00:00:46,100 --> 00:00:50,100 We have the Wily Wizard of Woking himself, Sean Lock! 8 00:00:50,100 --> 00:00:52,140 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you. 9 00:00:53,300 --> 00:00:58,340 And we have the prognosticating Archdruid of Port Talbot, 10 00:00:58,340 --> 00:01:00,300 Rob Brydon! 11 00:01:00,300 --> 00:01:02,340 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 12 00:01:03,980 --> 00:01:07,220 And we are so honoured with our next guest, Ben Miller, 13 00:01:07,220 --> 00:01:08,820 who had a crack at a PhD 14 00:01:08,820 --> 00:01:15,020 in novel quantum effects in Quasi-Zero Dimensional Mesoscopic Electrical Systems! 15 00:01:15,020 --> 00:01:17,060 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 16 00:01:17,060 --> 00:01:19,900 Wow! 17 00:01:19,900 --> 00:01:24,060 And Alan Davies, who has also come along. 18 00:01:24,060 --> 00:01:26,100 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 19 00:01:32,380 --> 00:01:35,820 Let's have a foretaste of your futuristic fingerings. Sean goes... 20 00:01:37,020 --> 00:01:40,060 THEME FROM "TWILIGHT ZONE" 21 00:01:40,060 --> 00:01:41,100 Rob goes... 22 00:01:42,180 --> 00:01:44,860 THEME FROM "STAR TREK" 23 00:01:47,820 --> 00:01:49,300 Ben goes... 24 00:01:50,660 --> 00:01:53,300 THEME FROM DOCTOR WHO 25 00:01:55,900 --> 00:01:57,420 And Alan goes... 26 00:01:57,420 --> 00:02:00,460 # There may be trouble ahead... # 27 00:02:01,820 --> 00:02:04,860 TREE FALLS AND MAN SCREAMS 28 00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:10,100 CAT MIAOWS 29 00:02:11,980 --> 00:02:14,020 Thank you. 30 00:02:14,020 --> 00:02:16,980 Great. So, the future begins...now! 31 00:02:16,980 --> 00:02:18,300 Alan, what do you do? 32 00:02:19,500 --> 00:02:21,060 - Nothing. Wha...? - Oh! 33 00:02:21,060 --> 00:02:24,100 SIREN WAILS 34 00:02:27,540 --> 00:02:30,380 There is no such thing as nothing, 35 00:02:30,380 --> 00:02:34,300 on any level has there ever been discovered to be such a thing as nothing. 36 00:02:34,300 --> 00:02:36,500 - Sitting, holding my pen. - So many things. 37 00:02:36,500 --> 00:02:39,180 Exactly. It's impossible to do and think nothing. 38 00:02:39,180 --> 00:02:42,140 There is no such thing as nothing. 39 00:02:42,140 --> 00:02:46,340 Exactly. Physics tells us there's no such thing as nothing, as well. 40 00:02:46,340 --> 00:02:47,820 Does it? In what way? 41 00:02:47,820 --> 00:02:51,220 Elementary particles become created and annihilated in the vacuum, 42 00:02:51,220 --> 00:02:54,420 so nothingness is really a swarm of elementary particles. 43 00:02:54,420 --> 00:02:58,260 But also, there's considered to be a field permeating the whole of space 44 00:02:58,260 --> 00:03:03,420 called the Higgs field, which gives elementary particles mass. 45 00:03:03,420 --> 00:03:05,380 Ah, yes... 46 00:03:05,380 --> 00:03:06,420 This is the thing, 47 00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:09,860 - And the Higgs field... - Heard it! 48 00:03:12,980 --> 00:03:16,340 - For the Higgs field to exist, we need a Higgs boson. - Yes... 49 00:03:16,340 --> 00:03:20,300 And we've built a huge hadron collider, colliding huge beams of protons together, 50 00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:25,620 at CERN, in Switzerland, to detect the Higgs boson. 51 00:03:25,620 --> 00:03:28,460 You are the best supply teacher we have ever had. 52 00:03:29,700 --> 00:03:31,180 That is fabulous. 53 00:03:31,180 --> 00:03:33,420 APPLAUSE 54 00:03:33,420 --> 00:03:35,620 Even if you don't believe in the Higgs Field, 55 00:03:35,620 --> 00:03:37,860 gravity operates in a vacuum, does it not? 56 00:03:37,860 --> 00:03:40,420 This is a really interesting thing. 57 00:03:40,420 --> 00:03:41,980 LAUGHTER 58 00:03:41,980 --> 00:03:43,460 There are four... 59 00:03:46,740 --> 00:03:48,380 We are interested! 60 00:03:48,380 --> 00:03:51,140 No, don't worry, Ben. This is me looking interested. 61 00:03:52,180 --> 00:03:55,380 This is actually really, really interesting. There are... 62 00:03:55,380 --> 00:03:57,340 LAUGHTER 63 00:03:57,340 --> 00:04:01,500 - There are four known forces in the universe. - Right, gravity... 64 00:04:01,500 --> 00:04:04,460 Gravity, electromagnetism, the nuclear strong force, 65 00:04:04,460 --> 00:04:06,020 which holds nucleii together, 66 00:04:06,020 --> 00:04:09,580 and the nuclear weak force, which causes radioactivity. 67 00:04:09,580 --> 00:04:13,380 Now, the nuclear weak force, the nuclear strong force, 68 00:04:13,380 --> 00:04:18,540 - and the electromagnetism are all of a similar strength... - Right. 69 00:04:18,540 --> 00:04:20,500 But gravity is incredibly weak. 70 00:04:20,500 --> 00:04:25,180 You can see that by, a fridge magnet can hold a pin using electromagnetism, 71 00:04:25,180 --> 00:04:28,140 and defeat the whole force of the earth pulling down on it. 72 00:04:28,140 --> 00:04:31,620 And one of the things they think is that our three, four dimensions, 73 00:04:31,620 --> 00:04:37,900 if you like, are actually part of a much bigger space. 74 00:04:37,900 --> 00:04:41,020 And gravity permeates all these other dimensions, 75 00:04:41,020 --> 00:04:45,660 they think ten in total, which means that it becomes weakened 76 00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:48,540 by a corresponding amount. LAUGHTER 77 00:04:49,500 --> 00:04:53,660 - You disagree? - I'm sorry, but I have to depart from that theory! 78 00:04:55,420 --> 00:05:00,020 There's one theory, though, is there not, 79 00:05:00,020 --> 00:05:03,380 that all matter has its corresponding antimatter. 80 00:05:03,380 --> 00:05:07,540 And I can't help but look at you, Ben, and you, Rob, and see... 81 00:05:07,540 --> 00:05:10,580 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 82 00:05:13,460 --> 00:05:14,820 Isn't that weird? 83 00:05:16,660 --> 00:05:20,060 Never been seen in the same room before. 84 00:05:20,060 --> 00:05:23,380 Ah, now you're so close, won't some awful thing happen? 85 00:05:23,380 --> 00:05:25,020 Well, we can't actually touch. 86 00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:26,100 Let's check... 87 00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:27,340 - Whoa! - Whoa! 88 00:05:28,540 --> 00:05:29,940 - Whoa! - Whoa! 89 00:05:31,100 --> 00:05:35,340 It is phenomenal. I mean, there are a lot of horse-faced people in the world... 90 00:05:35,340 --> 00:05:39,860 Sorry! No. But it is remarkable. 91 00:05:39,860 --> 00:05:42,820 No. Neigh, indeed! 92 00:05:42,820 --> 00:05:45,900 What would happen if they put you two in the Hadron Collider 93 00:05:45,900 --> 00:05:49,500 and send you underneath the ground in Switzerland and impact you? 94 00:05:49,500 --> 00:05:52,700 - That would be brilliant. - You'd get the finest comedian in the world. 95 00:05:52,700 --> 00:05:53,900 Black hole would result. 96 00:05:53,900 --> 00:05:57,860 They're gonna suck Switzerland into the ground, leaving nothing but chocolate. 97 00:05:57,860 --> 00:06:01,300 Well, I thank you for that. It's an honour and a pleasure, 98 00:06:01,300 --> 00:06:03,540 if I may say, Ben Miller, to have someone 99 00:06:03,540 --> 00:06:06,780 who knows what they're talking about on this programme. 100 00:06:06,780 --> 00:06:08,500 We're very pleased for the heads-up 101 00:06:08,500 --> 00:06:10,540 on what's going on in particle physics. 102 00:06:10,540 --> 00:06:13,660 What's so good is, there'll be a number of viewers thinking, 103 00:06:13,660 --> 00:06:16,580 "That Rob Brydon knows a lot about science!" 104 00:06:16,580 --> 00:06:19,380 LAUGHTER 105 00:06:19,380 --> 00:06:22,180 - It's a win-win. - It's true! It's true! 106 00:06:22,180 --> 00:06:25,260 Anyway, there is no such thing as nothing, arguably, anyway. 107 00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:27,500 On the other hand, if you want to disagree, 108 00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:31,060 - there's nothing to stop you! - HE LAUGHS SHEEPISHLY 109 00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:21,120 Now... You may not know that, amazingly, 110 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:24,040 nothing in the laws of physics forbids time travel. 111 00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:28,640 But if this is the case, where are all the time travellers? 112 00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:31,200 She could do so much better than him. 113 00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:36,200 He looks absolutely shocked to be with her, doesn't he? 114 00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:37,480 "I can't believe my luck!" 115 00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:41,560 There's a thing known as the Grandfather Paradox, 116 00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:45,320 that if you could travel in time, could you shoot your own grandfather? 117 00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:49,200 Obviously, you couldn't, cos the person killing your grandfather, 118 00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:53,000 once he's dead, you could never have existed and can't have killed him. 119 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:46,600 But there is a belief also that the very thing you were talking about, 120 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:50,600 the Large Hadron Collider, might initiate the word of time travel, 121 00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:54,760 because there are people who think time travel may be possible in the future. 122 00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:59,080 But, like telephones, you can't have one, you have to have someone else with one. 123 00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:03,400 And in the future, if they have any access to time travel, 124 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:06,680 they need first something on earth to have been built, 125 00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:09,040 like the Large Hadron Collider, 126 00:15:09,040 --> 00:15:12,680 which might well cause wormholes to exist 127 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:15,000 that would allow people in the future to connect. 128 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,880 - I was there two weeks ago. - Really? 129 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,520 Yeah. Very exciting. 130 00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:22,000 That was one hell of an anniversary for you and Mrs Miller, wasn't it?! 131 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:27,400 My objection to all this physics, this level of physics, 132 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:29,920 is that you can't explain it to, 133 00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:34,320 let's call us, not... Just ordinary people. 134 00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:36,360 You could actually be making it up. 135 00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:38,880 Until it makes machines work. That's the point. 136 00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:42,680 When Faraday talked about electricity and magnetism, it didn't make sense, 137 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:45,560 but suddenly somebody makes an electricity generator, 138 00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:48,400 suddenly you've got lights, you've got television, 139 00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:51,440 people can talk about quantum P states and N states, 140 00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:53,440 and suddenly you've got a computer to go, 141 00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:56,680 - "Ahem, I think you'll find...!" - I was the same with the leaf blower. 142 00:15:56,680 --> 00:15:58,440 LAUGHTER 143 00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:03,960 Someone said to me, "One day you won't have to rake up the leaves." 144 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:07,360 I said, "You are living in cloud cuckoo land, mate." 145 00:17:30,100 --> 00:17:33,620 The future, of course, is obvious with hindsight. 146 00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:36,500 But now it's time to poke predictable fun at people 147 00:17:36,500 --> 00:17:38,900 who are foolhardy enough to make forecasts 148 00:17:38,900 --> 00:17:42,060 and have the misfortune to get them hopelessly wrong. 149 00:17:42,060 --> 00:17:43,780 So, fingers on buzzers, please. 150 00:17:43,780 --> 00:17:46,500 In 1955, Variety Magazine predicted that 151 00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:50,980 WHAT would be, I quote, "gone before June"? 152 00:17:50,980 --> 00:17:53,340 - THEME FROM STAR TREK - Yes, Rob. 153 00:17:53,340 --> 00:17:54,780 May. 154 00:17:54,780 --> 00:17:56,700 SIREN WAILS 155 00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:57,820 Oh! 156 00:17:57,820 --> 00:18:00,660 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 157 00:18:04,220 --> 00:18:07,220 Aside from everything else, I said they predicted WRONGLY... 158 00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:09,100 # There may be trouble ahead... # 159 00:18:09,100 --> 00:18:10,340 You made me look a fool. 160 00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:12,060 No, you did that! 161 00:18:12,060 --> 00:18:13,900 - Ho-ho! - Television. 162 00:18:13,900 --> 00:18:16,820 - Television is not... But you're much... - Cinema. 163 00:18:16,820 --> 00:18:18,420 It's an F show. Frisps. 164 00:18:18,420 --> 00:18:19,540 LAUGHTER 165 00:18:19,540 --> 00:18:22,260 - I'll tell you what it was... - Remember them? 166 00:18:22,260 --> 00:18:25,020 I'll tell you what it was. If it was '55, it was Elvis Presley. 167 00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:29,140 - Wider... - Rock'n'roll. - That's the right answer. 168 00:18:29,140 --> 00:18:32,340 - Yes, they did say that. - Don't look so stupid now, do I? 169 00:18:32,340 --> 00:18:34,740 Not QUITE so stupid, Rob, no. 170 00:18:34,740 --> 00:18:38,020 You don't. But all things are relative. 171 00:18:38,020 --> 00:18:40,020 LAUGHTER 172 00:18:40,020 --> 00:18:44,500 Yes, it was rock'n'roll. Now, in 1977 Ken Olsen said 173 00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:47,620 there is no reason for any individual 174 00:18:47,620 --> 00:18:49,820 to have a WHAT in their home? 175 00:18:49,820 --> 00:18:52,220 Butler. 176 00:18:52,220 --> 00:18:56,340 - No! - It's outmoded, unnecessary... - Japanese prisoner of war. 177 00:18:56,340 --> 00:19:00,020 - Again, wonderful try, but no. - No need for it. 178 00:19:00,020 --> 00:19:02,700 He, if I may say, was the chairman of DEC, 179 00:19:02,700 --> 00:19:06,060 the Digital Equipment Company. 180 00:19:06,060 --> 00:19:09,780 - A computer. - Exactly. - Oh, he was wrong. - He was very wrong. 181 00:19:09,780 --> 00:19:12,300 I know quite a few people who've got one. 182 00:19:12,300 --> 00:19:16,580 Yes, these days, they're very much the coming thing, I believe. 183 00:19:16,580 --> 00:19:19,060 Some of these whizz kids, eh? 184 00:19:19,060 --> 00:19:20,740 Oh! 185 00:19:20,740 --> 00:19:23,900 In 1955, what nuclear-powered device did Alex Lewyt predict 186 00:19:23,900 --> 00:19:27,780 would be a reality within ten years? 187 00:19:27,780 --> 00:19:28,860 TV remote. 188 00:19:28,860 --> 00:19:31,700 No, but as daft, really. 189 00:19:31,700 --> 00:19:33,500 Hover boots. 190 00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:36,980 Yeah, that is the invention that everybody always says. 191 00:19:36,980 --> 00:19:41,620 My son has said, "Dad, will there be hover boots when I'm grown up?" 192 00:19:41,620 --> 00:19:45,580 Like that is the height of scientific and technological advancement, 193 00:19:45,580 --> 00:19:49,060 and Ben now is gonna talk for a little while about... 194 00:19:49,060 --> 00:19:52,580 - The possibility... - Just how possible it is! 195 00:19:54,900 --> 00:19:57,020 Hover gloves I'd like. 196 00:19:57,020 --> 00:19:58,620 It's not hover gloves. 197 00:19:58,620 --> 00:20:01,340 Surely you can do your own hovering! 198 00:20:01,340 --> 00:20:04,220 You're doing it in fact! It's not a hover thing, 199 00:20:04,220 --> 00:20:06,860 - but it is a domestic appliance... - Electric toothbrush. 200 00:20:06,860 --> 00:20:10,220 ..that we thought would be nuclear powered. Not an electric toothbrush. 201 00:20:10,220 --> 00:20:11,380 - Fridge. - Hoover. 202 00:20:11,380 --> 00:20:14,460 Hoover, yes! Electric vacuum cleaner. 203 00:20:14,460 --> 00:20:17,100 He honestly thought in 1955 that within ten years 204 00:20:17,100 --> 00:20:18,860 there'd be a nuclear-powered one. 205 00:20:18,860 --> 00:20:22,900 They had vacuum cleaners in America in the 19th century and they were huge. 206 00:20:22,900 --> 00:20:25,060 They had to go on a cart drawn by horses. 207 00:20:25,060 --> 00:20:27,420 I remember seeing that on a programme called QI. 208 00:20:27,420 --> 00:20:28,660 Yeah. Well done. 209 00:20:28,660 --> 00:20:31,700 LAUGHTER 210 00:20:31,700 --> 00:20:33,660 But well remembered. 211 00:20:36,660 --> 00:20:39,700 APPLAUSE 212 00:20:39,700 --> 00:20:42,380 It goes in somewhere! 213 00:20:42,380 --> 00:20:43,660 It clearly does, yeah! 214 00:20:43,660 --> 00:20:47,140 Well, the nuclear-powered domestic vacuum cleaner. 215 00:20:47,140 --> 00:20:48,860 But not everybody gets it wrong. 216 00:20:48,860 --> 00:20:52,780 A few remarkable people shape the future by being the very first in their field, 217 00:20:52,780 --> 00:20:55,380 men like St Ambrose, the 4th-century Bishop of Milan. 218 00:20:55,380 --> 00:21:01,420 What did St Augustine of Hippo catch St Ambrose doing 219 00:21:01,420 --> 00:21:03,700 that had never been done before in public, 220 00:21:03,700 --> 00:21:07,860 but which nearly all of us now can do? 221 00:21:07,860 --> 00:21:09,020 THEME FROM STAR TREK 222 00:21:09,020 --> 00:21:11,620 Was he using his mobile in a crowded compartment? 223 00:21:11,620 --> 00:21:14,100 Because we all do it, let's be honest. 224 00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:17,580 Even when we see the sign saying, "This is mobile-free." 225 00:21:17,580 --> 00:21:20,220 You still kind of think it doesn't apply to you. 226 00:21:20,220 --> 00:21:22,980 - I don't, actually. - I don't. 227 00:21:22,980 --> 00:21:25,420 No, I think it's just you, Rob. 228 00:21:25,420 --> 00:21:28,580 Well, when I do it, people think it's you. 229 00:21:29,860 --> 00:21:34,100 Anyway. No, it's like a party trick thingy, it seemed it. 230 00:21:34,100 --> 00:21:38,020 But we can all do it, it seems natural to us. 231 00:21:38,020 --> 00:21:42,580 But it was just not done. And it involved reading. 232 00:21:42,580 --> 00:21:45,740 - Did his lips move? - His lips did NOT move, is the point. 233 00:21:45,740 --> 00:21:51,620 He was the first person, it seems, in post-classical times, 234 00:21:51,620 --> 00:21:54,300 who could read without moving his lips. 235 00:21:54,300 --> 00:21:56,540 I know! It's very odd! 236 00:21:56,540 --> 00:21:58,940 It seems so natural to us, but, as children do, 237 00:21:58,940 --> 00:22:02,260 when they first read, they read out loud and then their lips move, 238 00:22:02,260 --> 00:22:04,820 and that had never stopped, and St Ambrose... 239 00:22:04,820 --> 00:22:07,700 Presumably, if you could read you wanted to show off the fact. 240 00:22:07,700 --> 00:22:10,020 There's an element of that. He did the opposite. 241 00:22:10,020 --> 00:22:12,380 This is what St Augustine wrote in his confessions. 242 00:22:12,380 --> 00:22:14,980 "When Ambrose read, his eyes scanned the page 243 00:22:14,980 --> 00:22:16,820 "and his heart sought out the meaning, 244 00:22:16,820 --> 00:22:19,340 "but his voice was silent and his tongue was still. 245 00:22:19,340 --> 00:22:23,140 "Anyone could approach him freely and guests were not commonly announced 246 00:22:23,140 --> 00:22:26,460 "so that often when we came to visit we found him reading in silence. 247 00:22:26,460 --> 00:22:28,100 "For he never read aloud." 248 00:22:28,100 --> 00:22:31,780 He was obviously astonished, it was considered a remarkable trick. 249 00:22:31,780 --> 00:22:35,540 I sort of think of myself as a man of limited talents, 250 00:22:35,540 --> 00:22:39,500 and I just wish that I'd been around then. 251 00:22:39,500 --> 00:22:41,420 I would have blown them away! 252 00:22:41,420 --> 00:22:44,500 I can read whole books like this! 253 00:22:44,500 --> 00:22:46,540 LAUGHTER 254 00:22:46,540 --> 00:22:52,100 But I have to say they would have been in Latin. 255 00:22:52,100 --> 00:22:54,860 That's where I would have fallen down. 256 00:22:54,860 --> 00:22:58,060 But you could have given them your Ronnie Corbett impression, 257 00:22:58,060 --> 00:22:59,180 which goes... 258 00:22:59,180 --> 00:23:02,020 MIMICS RONNIE CORBETT: It's not the one about the chap 259 00:23:02,020 --> 00:23:04,300 that reads the book without moving his lips. 260 00:23:04,300 --> 00:23:05,860 Very good! 261 00:23:05,860 --> 00:23:08,500 APPLAUSE 262 00:23:09,460 --> 00:23:12,700 They might have burned you as a witch but they'd have been impressed. 263 00:24:35,700 --> 00:24:39,580 A common theme of science fiction B-movies set in the future 264 00:24:39,580 --> 00:24:41,740 is robot invasions. 265 00:24:41,740 --> 00:24:45,940 But, has Britain ever actually been invaded by robots? 266 00:24:45,940 --> 00:24:49,340 - Ooh, I'm guessing they have. - Yes, they have. And when? 267 00:24:49,340 --> 00:24:50,580 Er, '40s. 268 00:24:50,580 --> 00:24:52,780 - 1880s. - '40s is the right answer. 269 00:24:52,780 --> 00:24:56,980 I'm afraid the point there goes to young Alan. 270 00:24:56,980 --> 00:24:59,620 - Was it the Germans? - The Germans. 271 00:24:59,620 --> 00:25:02,900 - Had to be. The doodlebug. - The doodlebug and the buzz bombs. 272 00:25:02,900 --> 00:25:04,580 The V1 and V2. 273 00:25:04,580 --> 00:25:07,540 The point is not just that we're saying they are a kind of robots, 274 00:25:07,540 --> 00:25:09,060 they were CALLED robots. 275 00:25:09,060 --> 00:25:10,340 They were called robots 276 00:25:10,340 --> 00:25:12,700 more than they were called doodlebugs in the '40s. 277 00:25:12,700 --> 00:25:15,100 In as much as they were publicly called anything, 278 00:25:15,100 --> 00:25:18,300 because they were more or less banned to be discussed, 279 00:25:18,300 --> 00:25:22,380 the British authorities were terrified of letting the Germans know 280 00:25:22,380 --> 00:25:25,140 how successful or otherwise the V1 and V2 were. 281 00:25:25,140 --> 00:25:28,540 When the V2 landed on Chingford Plain, it was widely discussed. 282 00:25:28,540 --> 00:25:29,900 Oh, it would be. 283 00:25:29,900 --> 00:25:31,860 But the point is, not in the newspapers. 284 00:25:31,860 --> 00:25:34,340 You ask, has Britain been invaded by robots? 285 00:25:34,340 --> 00:25:37,660 If you wanted to answer that question in a satirical manner, 286 00:25:37,660 --> 00:25:39,820 that took a swipe at modern life in Britain... 287 00:25:39,820 --> 00:25:42,900 - Go on! - ..you'd say we're in the process of it now, 288 00:25:42,900 --> 00:25:47,700 and those robots are the bloody call centres that we have to put up with. 289 00:25:47,700 --> 00:25:48,860 Oh! 290 00:25:48,860 --> 00:25:51,140 APPLAUSE 291 00:25:51,140 --> 00:25:53,580 So my answer is yes, and it's happening now. 292 00:25:53,580 --> 00:25:56,380 You should be a standup comedian. 293 00:25:56,380 --> 00:25:58,980 Or, Rob, on an equally satirical note, 294 00:25:58,980 --> 00:26:04,220 the bloody cameras that take photographs of us everywhere we go 295 00:26:04,220 --> 00:26:10,500 and send us, electronically, summons and fines. 296 00:26:10,500 --> 00:26:13,300 More cameras than any other time, and any country in Europe, 297 00:26:13,300 --> 00:26:16,900 and yet we can't catch anybody who kills somebody! 298 00:26:16,900 --> 00:26:20,860 - The Acton Bowling Club! - Why is nobody ever murdered in front of a camera? 299 00:26:20,860 --> 00:26:24,460 A couple of mad old men moaning about the state of Britain... 300 00:26:24,460 --> 00:26:26,140 LAUGHTER 301 00:26:26,140 --> 00:26:27,980 IRRITATED MUMBLING 302 00:26:30,100 --> 00:26:33,220 - I agree with you. - I like you. - I like you. 303 00:26:33,220 --> 00:26:38,020 - I listen to you, it's like listening to me! - Yeah! 304 00:26:38,020 --> 00:26:40,460 - I like your attitude. - Yeah, yeah! 305 00:26:40,460 --> 00:26:42,900 They're going to fuse into one horrifying Rob Miller. 306 00:26:42,900 --> 00:26:46,580 This is like a sort of Siamese twin. 307 00:26:49,260 --> 00:26:51,420 We're quite keen to have the operation 308 00:26:51,420 --> 00:26:54,820 but obviously we're not sure how we'd get on without each other. 309 00:26:54,820 --> 00:26:56,820 Mmm. All right. Er... 310 00:26:56,820 --> 00:26:58,260 Oh, Christ! 311 00:26:59,500 --> 00:27:00,980 Oh! 312 00:27:00,980 --> 00:27:03,420 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 313 00:27:03,420 --> 00:27:04,820 Oh! 314 00:27:04,820 --> 00:27:06,460 Oh! 315 00:27:06,460 --> 00:27:09,060 Whoa! That's what it's like! 316 00:27:09,060 --> 00:27:12,020 I can see the attraction. 317 00:27:12,020 --> 00:27:15,260 - Now I know why my wife married me. - Yeah! 318 00:27:15,260 --> 00:27:18,420 That was good! Goddamn! 319 00:27:20,700 --> 00:27:22,460 Just horrible! 320 00:27:24,940 --> 00:27:27,180 Right, thank you. 321 00:27:27,180 --> 00:27:30,860 You can make up for it by telling me where the word robot comes from. 322 00:27:30,860 --> 00:27:35,060 - Where do we get the word robot from? - I can't get that out of my head. 323 00:27:35,060 --> 00:27:37,460 We get the word robotic from the word robot! 324 00:27:37,460 --> 00:27:41,220 Yeah, take the "IC" off robotic, you've got robot. 325 00:27:41,220 --> 00:27:43,900 It comes from the dance, Stephen. 326 00:27:43,900 --> 00:27:45,940 This dance. 327 00:27:48,060 --> 00:27:51,460 Something you can shout at a machine it's got a chance of understanding? 328 00:27:51,460 --> 00:27:54,940 - Interesting thought, no. - Like, "You robot!" 329 00:27:54,940 --> 00:27:58,060 Whereas if it was called a quark assimulater fassamisilator, 330 00:27:58,060 --> 00:28:02,020 it might not pick up how angry you are. 331 00:28:02,020 --> 00:28:03,580 It must be an acronym, right? 332 00:28:03,580 --> 00:28:05,620 It's not, it's from a Slavic word, robota, 333 00:28:05,620 --> 00:28:09,420 meaning a drudge, slave worker, a labourer. 334 00:28:09,420 --> 00:28:13,900 - Ah, like a drone. - And it was from a play by a man called Karel Capek 335 00:28:13,900 --> 00:28:15,980 in 1920, called Rossum's Universal Robots. 336 00:28:15,980 --> 00:28:19,220 That's when it was first used. But now, back to the future. 337 00:28:19,220 --> 00:28:22,580 What will be the language of the future here on earth? 338 00:28:22,580 --> 00:28:25,820 Well, if it carries on the way it is, it'll be the sort of hoodies 339 00:28:25,820 --> 00:28:28,180 that Ben and I are so firmly against. 340 00:28:28,180 --> 00:28:30,460 - HOODIE SLANG: - Kind of like talking like this, 341 00:28:30,460 --> 00:28:32,140 everybody is gonna talk like that, 342 00:28:32,140 --> 00:28:34,140 and that's gonna be the way of the future. 343 00:28:34,140 --> 00:28:35,900 It don't matter where you come from. 344 00:28:35,900 --> 00:28:37,220 You's gonna talk like that... 345 00:28:37,220 --> 00:28:38,620 - IN OWN VOICE: - Which I hate. 346 00:28:38,620 --> 00:28:41,580 APPLAUSE 347 00:28:41,580 --> 00:28:44,700 - I think you all guessed that! - Yeah! - Yeah. 348 00:28:44,700 --> 00:28:47,580 Oh, dear. 349 00:28:47,580 --> 00:28:50,460 - Is it gonna be Mandarin or Spanish? - Interesting thought. 350 00:28:50,460 --> 00:28:53,060 Oh, is it a trick qu...? Is it binary? 351 00:28:53,060 --> 00:28:55,380 No, it's not, though you have a picture on there. 352 00:28:55,380 --> 00:28:57,340 It's generally thought to be English, 353 00:28:57,340 --> 00:28:58,860 but a certain kind of English. 354 00:28:58,860 --> 00:29:01,580 As many as 80% of the people... 355 00:29:01,580 --> 00:29:04,060 Is this gonna be, it's like, kind of, English? 356 00:29:04,060 --> 00:29:05,180 No! 357 00:29:06,180 --> 00:29:08,700 Kind of like English? That sort of like English? 358 00:29:08,700 --> 00:29:10,540 - Cos I hate that. - I hate that too. 359 00:29:40,540 --> 00:29:43,540 No, apparently as many as 80% of people 360 00:29:43,540 --> 00:29:46,980 who speak English do not speak English as their first language. 361 00:29:46,980 --> 00:29:51,180 They're speaking it with other people for whom it is their second or third language. 362 00:29:51,180 --> 00:29:54,420 And the one that seems to be growing is a thing called Panglish, 363 00:29:54,420 --> 00:29:57,300 i.e., "pan" English, a kind of everyman English. 364 00:29:57,300 --> 00:30:00,900 There's a version which is spoken by a lot of people called Singlish, 365 00:30:00,900 --> 00:30:03,460 which is a mixture of English, Chinese and Malay. 366 00:30:03,460 --> 00:30:06,780 Singaporean equivalent to Franglais. 367 00:30:06,780 --> 00:30:09,820 See if you can see what these words mean. 368 00:30:09,820 --> 00:30:13,820 Layleo. Written as two words, it's actually one. L-A-Y-L-E-O. 369 00:30:13,820 --> 00:30:17,060 - Instructions for Mrs Sayer. - No, it's just radio. 370 00:30:17,060 --> 00:30:19,300 LAUGHTER 371 00:30:19,300 --> 00:30:21,700 You're not on Clue now! 372 00:30:21,700 --> 00:30:25,100 Very good! No, it's radio. "Layleo." 373 00:30:25,100 --> 00:30:29,860 Layleo? That's just bad! 374 00:30:29,860 --> 00:30:32,420 That's a child, "Layleo." "Well done!" 375 00:30:32,420 --> 00:30:36,180 He's speaking Panglish, you know! 376 00:30:36,180 --> 00:30:38,460 No, he hasn't learned to speak! 377 00:30:38,460 --> 00:30:41,740 - Lolex. - A Rolex watch. 378 00:30:41,740 --> 00:30:44,620 - Exactly! - That's rubbish! 379 00:30:44,620 --> 00:30:50,700 Orleng tzu. O-R-L-E-N-G, T-Z-U. 380 00:30:50,700 --> 00:30:52,220 See you soon. 381 00:30:52,220 --> 00:30:56,460 No, actually it's a drink. "I have glass of orleng tzu." Orange juice. 382 00:30:58,580 --> 00:31:02,140 Orleng tzu. If you go to Singapore and say, "orleng tzu", 383 00:31:02,140 --> 00:31:03,620 they give you an orange juice. 384 00:31:03,620 --> 00:31:05,300 They really must try harder. 385 00:31:05,300 --> 00:31:07,460 LAUGHTER 386 00:31:07,460 --> 00:31:11,820 English has evolved. I mean, a Saxon or an Angle would hear us and go, 387 00:31:11,820 --> 00:31:15,420 "What have they done with our language? They must try harder." 388 00:31:15,420 --> 00:31:17,820 Cos we've evolved it into what we call English. 389 00:31:17,820 --> 00:31:20,700 They'll do it into what will be their language. 390 00:31:20,700 --> 00:31:23,580 That's after they've said, "What are you wearing?" 391 00:32:56,580 --> 00:33:00,020 But there are more sensible ones. Esperanto. 392 00:33:00,020 --> 00:33:03,140 - That was invented, wasn't it? - An entirely invented language. 393 00:33:03,140 --> 00:33:05,340 Apparently because it's so easy to learn, 394 00:33:05,340 --> 00:33:08,180 only 900 words and has no irregular verbs, 395 00:33:08,180 --> 00:33:12,260 it takes you a year less to learn to speak another language reasonably fluently. 396 00:33:12,260 --> 00:33:14,140 So in that sense it's quite useful. 397 00:33:14,140 --> 00:33:16,580 Here's an example. What am I saying? Saluton. 398 00:33:16,580 --> 00:33:21,020 - Saluton? - Hello. - Greetings. - Yes. What could be easier than that? 399 00:33:21,020 --> 00:33:23,860 - Cu vi parolas Esperanton? - Quidditch. 400 00:33:25,580 --> 00:33:30,260 Do you speak - Cu vi, do you have Esperanto words? 401 00:33:30,260 --> 00:33:34,940 But this is... Mia kusenveturilo estas plena da angiloj. 402 00:33:34,940 --> 00:33:37,340 My cousin is a meerkat of strange angles. 403 00:33:39,620 --> 00:33:44,580 - No, you can work this out. Angiloj? - No, nothing. - Eel. 404 00:33:44,580 --> 00:33:47,940 - In most romance languages that's an eel. - Eel, is it? 405 00:33:47,940 --> 00:33:50,340 - Kusenveturilo... - Jellied eels? 406 00:33:50,340 --> 00:33:53,300 Peter Cushing, the Hammer Horrors? 407 00:33:53,300 --> 00:33:55,940 - Cushion vehicle... - Eel cushion? 408 00:33:55,940 --> 00:33:57,660 Hovercraft. 409 00:33:57,660 --> 00:34:01,420 Yeah, "My hovercraft is full of eels." 410 00:34:01,420 --> 00:34:03,460 - Seriously? - Yes! 411 00:34:03,460 --> 00:34:05,060 LAUGHTER 412 00:34:05,060 --> 00:34:07,380 I thought you were a bit cross with me then 413 00:34:07,380 --> 00:34:09,460 and you were saying that to move on. 414 00:34:09,460 --> 00:34:11,660 No, that's what it is in Esperanto. 415 00:34:11,660 --> 00:34:16,260 That's enough of that. The language of the future looks like being Panglish, 416 00:34:16,260 --> 00:34:18,700 and we'll only understand it if we're lucky. 417 00:34:18,700 --> 00:34:23,860 Now, it is possible to imagine a future in which there will be no war and no poverty 418 00:34:23,860 --> 00:34:27,740 but I confidently predict there will always be general ignorance. 419 00:34:27,740 --> 00:34:29,820 So fingers on buzzers, please. 420 00:35:52,820 --> 00:35:54,820 Now, picture the scene. 421 00:35:54,820 --> 00:35:56,660 I'm out windsurfing, 422 00:35:56,660 --> 00:36:00,540 the breeze is ruffling my tousled, sun-bleached hair, 423 00:36:00,540 --> 00:36:05,380 I look up and I see on the horizon a ship. How far away is it? 424 00:36:05,380 --> 00:36:06,740 21 miles. 425 00:36:06,740 --> 00:36:09,820 - No. - I thought it was always 21 miles. 426 00:36:09,820 --> 00:36:12,540 - No. - They didn't even get flagged for that. 427 00:36:12,540 --> 00:36:16,980 No. I didn't know that anybody always thought that it was 21 miles. 428 00:36:18,540 --> 00:36:19,780 How far away is the horizon? 429 00:36:19,780 --> 00:36:22,820 That's the point. I'll tell Ben the formula for working it out, 430 00:36:22,820 --> 00:36:24,380 and he'll tell you very quickly. 431 00:36:24,380 --> 00:36:27,140 It's very straightforward. Let's assume I am 6ft tall, 432 00:36:27,140 --> 00:36:28,780 I'm actually a bit taller. 433 00:36:28,780 --> 00:36:30,260 The distance in miles 434 00:36:30,260 --> 00:36:34,380 is approximately the square root of one-and-a-half times your height in feet. 435 00:36:34,380 --> 00:36:38,060 That depends how low your eyes are, though, doesn't it? 436 00:36:38,060 --> 00:36:42,020 - Three miles. - Three miles is the right answer! 437 00:36:42,020 --> 00:36:43,260 Well done. 438 00:36:43,260 --> 00:36:45,300 AAPLAUSE 439 00:36:45,300 --> 00:36:47,980 It's a lot closer than you think. 440 00:36:47,980 --> 00:36:49,900 If you're standing at sea level 441 00:36:49,900 --> 00:36:52,660 the normal horizon is only about three miles away. 442 00:36:52,660 --> 00:36:53,860 Back home now. 443 00:36:53,860 --> 00:36:58,180 What kind of weather kills more people in Britain than any other? 444 00:36:58,180 --> 00:36:59,460 Bad weather. 445 00:37:00,860 --> 00:37:02,940 - Wind. It's wind. - Not wind. 446 00:37:02,940 --> 00:37:04,980 SIREN WAILS 447 00:37:04,980 --> 00:37:06,420 Oh, uh-oh! Oh, dear. 448 00:37:06,420 --> 00:37:09,380 - Oh, bugger. - Is it rockets? 449 00:37:10,380 --> 00:37:12,060 They come down like weather. 450 00:37:12,060 --> 00:37:16,380 - Sort of. - Snow. - No. - Hail? - SIREN WAILS 451 00:37:16,380 --> 00:37:22,220 - No! - Fog. - Heat wave... - Fog is the right answer! 452 00:37:22,220 --> 00:37:26,020 Finally! Well done. Fog. Because of road traffic accidents, I'm afraid. 453 00:37:26,020 --> 00:37:28,100 Do you want me to explain fog to you, Ben? 454 00:37:29,580 --> 00:37:31,820 What happens is... 455 00:37:31,820 --> 00:37:35,380 Everybody has been asleep, right, for quite a long time. 456 00:37:35,380 --> 00:37:38,780 So all their breath gathers up. 457 00:37:38,780 --> 00:37:43,940 And they'd left a little window open and it all goes out and that collects 458 00:37:43,940 --> 00:37:45,900 in the valley all together. 459 00:37:45,900 --> 00:37:50,460 And it gets blown around by the lorries driving up and down. 460 00:37:50,460 --> 00:37:54,020 Are you still with me? 461 00:37:54,020 --> 00:37:56,740 - I like it. - Do you know the difference between fog and mist? 462 00:37:56,740 --> 00:37:59,220 - There is an official difference? - Is it the height? 463 00:37:59,220 --> 00:38:00,780 No, it's actually the density. 464 00:38:00,780 --> 00:38:03,020 - Mist is watery, isn't it? - Fog is visibility of less 465 00:38:03,020 --> 00:38:06,460 than one kilometre, while mist is usually between one and two. 466 00:38:06,460 --> 00:38:10,420 Cos in mist, you can be seen in a mac, whereas in fog 467 00:38:10,420 --> 00:38:11,900 they can't see you at all. 468 00:38:11,900 --> 00:38:14,300 You're safe, step back in, you're gone. 469 00:38:14,300 --> 00:38:17,180 It's interesting that you think of fog, 470 00:38:17,180 --> 00:38:19,260 as a way of hiding yourself. 471 00:38:19,260 --> 00:38:23,500 So you can go about your beastly business unobserved. 472 00:38:23,500 --> 00:38:27,220 It's not beastly, I'm just putting stickers on things. 473 00:38:27,220 --> 00:38:28,940 Oh! It's you! 474 00:38:28,940 --> 00:38:33,060 Yeah. Putting silly stickers on people's faces. Nothing pervy. 475 00:38:33,060 --> 00:38:37,460 A bit of chewing gum over Cameron Diaz's eye. Anything, cheers me up. 476 00:38:37,460 --> 00:38:41,620 Smog of course is an urban phenomenon, smoke and fog. 477 00:38:41,620 --> 00:38:43,580 Sulphur dioxide and fog mixing together. 478 00:38:43,580 --> 00:38:47,060 The last really bad one in London was in 1952 and lasted four days. 479 00:38:47,060 --> 00:38:48,820 How many people did it kill, roughly? 480 00:38:48,820 --> 00:38:51,580 - 256. - No. 481 00:38:51,580 --> 00:38:53,620 They all died fairly roughly, didn't they? 482 00:38:53,620 --> 00:39:00,900 It was 12,000 people, in four days, killed by the smog of 1952. 483 00:39:00,900 --> 00:39:03,380 This hurried in the clean air and smokeless zones. 484 00:39:03,380 --> 00:39:06,260 In London now fog is pretty rare, to be honest, isn't it? 485 00:39:06,260 --> 00:39:10,580 But I was in, last week, one of the Hawaiian islands, in Honolulu. 486 00:39:10,580 --> 00:39:12,020 Hawa-i-i-i. 487 00:39:12,020 --> 00:39:16,340 They don't have fog, they have... do you know what they call it? 488 00:39:16,340 --> 00:39:17,660 It's not smog or fog. 489 00:39:17,660 --> 00:39:19,700 - Sun. - No. 490 00:39:19,700 --> 00:39:23,380 They have lots of that. But they have... 491 00:39:23,380 --> 00:39:24,900 Is it alo-hog? 492 00:39:27,540 --> 00:39:31,860 - It's vog. Why vog? - The Jewish people have moved there. 493 00:39:31,860 --> 00:39:36,580 Vog, what do I care, I can't see it. 494 00:39:36,580 --> 00:39:39,820 Look at you, you can't see him, I can't see her. 495 00:39:39,820 --> 00:39:43,340 What it is, I don't know. 496 00:39:43,340 --> 00:39:44,620 Look at you, where are you? 497 00:39:44,620 --> 00:39:48,060 You're there. I can't see you for Christ's sake, what's going on? 498 00:39:51,580 --> 00:39:54,260 Oh, God! Thank you. 499 00:39:55,420 --> 00:39:57,220 Thank you, Jackie Brydon. 500 00:39:57,220 --> 00:40:02,820 No, it's a volcanic fog. It's the fact there's a volcano going off. 501 00:40:02,820 --> 00:40:05,620 It mixes with natural mists and fogs and creates 502 00:40:05,620 --> 00:40:08,100 this denser thing called vog. 503 00:40:08,100 --> 00:40:11,500 Anyway, fog or mist, it's all the same stuff, it causes 504 00:40:11,500 --> 00:40:13,620 road crashes, that's the thing about it. 505 00:41:14,920 --> 00:41:17,160 And so, with the future safely behind us, 506 00:41:17,160 --> 00:41:19,200 it's time for a look at the scores. 507 00:41:19,200 --> 00:41:21,600 Oh, my goodness me! 508 00:41:21,600 --> 00:41:25,760 Well ahead of his time with 14 points, it's Ben Miller! 509 00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:37,440 - But not so far behind, with seven points, it's Sean Lock! - Thank you! 510 00:41:39,280 --> 00:41:41,760 We plunge into the minus numbers, 511 00:41:41,760 --> 00:41:46,320 in third place, with -31, it's Rob Brydon. 512 00:41:51,840 --> 00:41:57,560 But knocked into the middle of next week with -60, Alan Davies! 513 00:42:06,880 --> 00:42:11,760 Well, that's all for next week, but from Rob, Ben, Sean and Alan and me, 514 00:42:11,760 --> 00:42:14,560 we trust you will live long and prosper, and I leave you 515 00:42:14,560 --> 00:42:17,680 with this observation from physicist, Niels Bohr, 516 00:42:17,680 --> 00:42:19,800 "Prediction is very difficult," he said. 517 00:42:19,800 --> 00:42:23,200 "Especially about the future." Good night. 518 00:42:26,800 --> 00:42:29,840 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 519 00:42:29,840 --> 00:42:31,880 Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk