1 00:00:32,140 --> 00:00:35,540 Well... 2 00:00:35,540 --> 00:00:38,820 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening 3 00:00:38,820 --> 00:00:40,540 and welcome to QI, 4 00:00:40,540 --> 00:00:44,100 where tonight we're having fun with flora and fauna. 5 00:00:44,100 --> 00:00:47,700 It's like animal, vegetable and mineral only...without the mineral. 6 00:00:47,700 --> 00:00:49,340 In the flowerbed tonight, 7 00:00:49,340 --> 00:00:51,780 we have a perennial favourite, 8 00:00:51,780 --> 00:00:53,740 Jimmy Carr. 9 00:00:53,740 --> 00:00:56,180 APPLAUSE Thank you very much. 10 00:00:56,180 --> 00:00:58,740 A hardy annual, John Sergeant. 11 00:00:58,740 --> 00:01:00,460 APPLAUSE 12 00:01:02,500 --> 00:01:05,220 A heavily scented late-bloomer, Jo Brand. 13 00:01:05,220 --> 00:01:07,340 APPLAUSE 14 00:01:10,260 --> 00:01:12,900 And a cat having a crap in a flowerpot, 15 00:01:12,900 --> 00:01:14,300 Alan Davies. 16 00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:15,420 APPLAUSE 17 00:01:19,380 --> 00:01:23,340 But before we plunge into my arboretum and bestiary, 18 00:01:23,340 --> 00:01:25,660 let's go wild with our buzzers. John goes... 19 00:01:25,660 --> 00:01:27,700 LION GROWLING 20 00:01:27,700 --> 00:01:29,340 LAUGHTER 21 00:01:29,340 --> 00:01:32,380 Jimmy goes... WOLF HOWLING 22 00:01:32,380 --> 00:01:34,460 Jo goes... 23 00:01:34,460 --> 00:01:35,980 ELEPHANT TRUMPETING 24 00:01:35,980 --> 00:01:37,500 LAUGHTER 25 00:01:39,060 --> 00:01:40,500 And Alan goes... 26 00:01:40,500 --> 00:01:42,420 MONKEY CHATTERING 27 00:01:42,420 --> 00:01:44,900 BANG, CRASH, GLASS SMASHING 28 00:01:44,900 --> 00:01:46,740 Oh, dear. 29 00:01:48,940 --> 00:01:50,020 Well done. 30 00:01:50,020 --> 00:01:53,100 So let's start on our sofa-bound safari. 31 00:01:53,100 --> 00:01:54,820 What does my buttonhole 32 00:01:54,820 --> 00:01:56,580 tell you about me? 33 00:01:56,580 --> 00:01:58,300 TRUMPETING 34 00:01:58,300 --> 00:02:00,580 That you're a closet heterosexual. 35 00:02:02,660 --> 00:02:03,980 How dare you! 36 00:02:03,980 --> 00:02:05,380 I'm sorry! 37 00:02:05,380 --> 00:02:09,020 It tells us that you are what you are. Your own special creation. 38 00:02:11,060 --> 00:02:14,700 It's not going to fire water at me, is it? No, it's a real flower 39 00:02:14,700 --> 00:02:16,460 and it's a member of a family of flowers 40 00:02:16,460 --> 00:02:17,660 and it has a name. 41 00:02:17,660 --> 00:02:19,260 It's a rhododendron. > 42 00:02:19,260 --> 00:02:20,900 It's not a rhododendron. 43 00:02:20,900 --> 00:02:25,620 Camellia. It is! Well done. And you are La Dame Aux Camelias. 44 00:02:25,620 --> 00:02:26,980 Tell me about La Dame Aux Camelias. 45 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:28,860 It's a novel. It's a novel. Yeah. 46 00:02:28,860 --> 00:02:30,260 About a lady. 47 00:02:30,260 --> 00:02:33,020 Do you know what this meant? Who liked camellias. 48 00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:35,140 Yeah. LAUGHTER 49 00:02:35,140 --> 00:02:39,620 Good. But there is a thing about the red camellia that is very extraordinary, 50 00:02:39,620 --> 00:02:42,860 unbelievably shocking, to mid-19th-century France. 51 00:02:42,860 --> 00:02:43,900 Periods. 52 00:02:43,900 --> 00:02:44,980 You're so right. 53 00:02:44,980 --> 00:02:48,500 Marguerite Gautier, the heroine of the novel La Dame Aux Camelias, 54 00:02:48,500 --> 00:02:51,660 wore for 25 days of the month 55 00:02:51,660 --> 00:02:52,900 a white camellia. 56 00:02:52,900 --> 00:02:58,220 For five days, a red one, to tell her lovers that she was not available... 57 00:02:58,220 --> 00:03:01,460 That Arsenal were playing away! 58 00:03:03,060 --> 00:03:04,500 Playing at home! 59 00:03:04,500 --> 00:03:05,700 At home! 60 00:03:05,700 --> 00:03:07,940 The decorators were in, the...etc. 61 00:03:07,940 --> 00:03:12,260 Are you saying that you ARE available or you're not? 62 00:03:12,260 --> 00:03:14,100 I've got a period on, John. 63 00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:15,300 LAUGHTER 64 00:03:15,300 --> 00:03:17,420 You can't have me, I'm sorry. 65 00:03:17,420 --> 00:03:19,500 Was this in some play? 66 00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:23,740 A novel by Alexandre Dumas fils, the bastard son of the creator of The Three Musketeers. 67 00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:28,640 Can I just say, that was so sweet, cos no woman in her entire life 68 00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:31,280 has ever said, "I've got a period ON"! 69 00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:34,520 LAUGHTER Well... 70 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:36,640 I either say "I've got a period" or "I'm on". 71 00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:37,720 Fair enough! OK! 72 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:39,840 You don't conflate them together. 73 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:41,720 "I've got a period on"! 74 00:03:42,540 --> 00:03:45,500 And anyway, it became a play. 75 00:03:45,500 --> 00:03:48,460 Sarah Bernhardt was in it thousands of times, 76 00:03:48,460 --> 00:03:52,740 in 1854 Verdi saw the play and turned it into the opera... for five points...? 77 00:03:54,260 --> 00:03:55,900 Is that what the opera's called? 78 00:03:55,900 --> 00:03:57,660 No! 79 00:03:57,660 --> 00:04:00,340 It's called Camellia something... the flower. 80 00:04:00,340 --> 00:04:01,620 Audience will know. 81 00:04:01,620 --> 00:04:05,380 < La Traviata. La Traviata. Audience get ten points. That's very good. 82 00:04:05,380 --> 00:04:08,580 It was La Traviata. They're not in the lead again! 83 00:04:08,580 --> 00:04:11,940 So La Traviata, which I've heard of and is a proper grown-up thing, 84 00:04:11,940 --> 00:04:15,100 is about a woman having a period? No, no. 85 00:04:15,100 --> 00:04:19,660 It's the story of a famous courtesan who was in love - and the real one - there were seven men 86 00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:24,180 who were so passionate about her but couldn't afford her prices, they clubbed together 87 00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:29,300 and bought her a chest of drawers with seven separate drawers in so they could keep their own clothes. 88 00:04:29,300 --> 00:04:31,100 It was turned into a film, which was... 89 00:04:31,100 --> 00:04:33,860 Snow White. She's called. 90 00:04:33,860 --> 00:04:37,740 The seven guys with the one girl is a bit... 91 00:04:37,740 --> 00:04:39,220 Very good! 92 00:04:39,220 --> 00:04:41,020 APPLAUSE 93 00:04:41,020 --> 00:04:43,180 Very good. 94 00:04:45,020 --> 00:04:47,700 And the film based on La Dame Aux Camelias is...? 95 00:04:47,700 --> 00:04:49,780 Carry On Menstruating. 96 00:04:49,780 --> 00:04:53,100 Camille. Camille? 97 00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:57,220 Yes, in La Dame Aux Camelias and La Traviata, the heroine indicates her availability 98 00:04:57,220 --> 00:04:59,340 by wearing different-coloured camellias. 99 00:04:59,340 --> 00:05:04,260 The book caused an outrage and made the flower an overnight gardening sensation in Paris and beyond. 100 00:05:04,260 --> 00:05:05,820 Something more wholesome now. 101 00:05:05,820 --> 00:05:09,460 It's good news. Daddy is taking you to the flea circus. 102 00:05:09,460 --> 00:05:13,780 Which bit are you most looking forward to? What do you know about flea circuses? 103 00:05:13,780 --> 00:05:16,540 I had fleas in my flat once. Did you really? 104 00:05:16,540 --> 00:05:19,180 Rentokil quoted 600 quid to get rid of it. 105 00:05:19,180 --> 00:05:21,660 I found a bloke in the local paper did it for 40. 106 00:05:21,660 --> 00:05:23,060 I don't know what he sprayed! 107 00:05:23,060 --> 00:05:26,380 The cat was going like this for a few days. 108 00:05:27,540 --> 00:05:31,580 Do you know what the biggest destroyer of human fleas has been - 109 00:05:31,580 --> 00:05:33,140 much bigger than pesticides? 110 00:05:33,140 --> 00:05:35,940 I know the answer. It's vacuum cleaners. 111 00:05:35,940 --> 00:05:37,900 You're right. It's their woof-woof-woof. 112 00:05:37,900 --> 00:05:39,260 And the fleas don't like it. 113 00:05:39,260 --> 00:05:41,900 Do you think your vacuum cleaner may be broken? 114 00:05:41,900 --> 00:05:43,980 If it's going woof-woof-woof? 115 00:05:43,980 --> 00:05:46,260 You might want to take that back and get a new one. 116 00:05:46,260 --> 00:05:48,700 They're not specialised, these vacuum cleaners. 117 00:05:48,700 --> 00:05:50,860 They kill lots of fleas? 118 00:05:50,860 --> 00:05:55,780 The other thing you've got to know about them is that the back legs of fleas are incredibly powerful. 119 00:05:55,780 --> 00:05:59,660 And if a human being had as powerful legs, 120 00:05:59,660 --> 00:06:02,340 they could jump over the Eiffel Tower. 121 00:06:02,340 --> 00:06:05,860 You're right. Eighty times your own height is what you'd be able to jump. 122 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:09,200 These flea circuses, though, 123 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:11,360 we don't have them in our time, 124 00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:13,480 but they were amazingly popular 125 00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:15,640 in the 1920s and '30s, 126 00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:19,720 because they had to find something interesting to do between the two world wars. 127 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:21,280 Exactly. They were filling in. 128 00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:24,720 So fleas were very exciting... 129 00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:28,640 a lot more of them about. In fact, they died out in the early '60s, probably. 130 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:31,320 But you will see, there's some film here showing you that - 131 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:33,480 you're right, these strong legs 132 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:36,640 allow them to pull - they were harnessed to wire... 133 00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:37,800 Are they real? Yeah. 134 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:40,800 They... I thought it was... No, you're thinking Michael Bentine's 135 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:43,160 mechanical ones with little automatic machines that... 136 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:46,240 You thought you could see the fleas but... No, there were fleas. 137 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:48,040 Genuinely people-trained fleas? 138 00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,920 No. Unfortunately, they were basically tortured. 139 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:54,160 You would glue them to musical instruments and other things 140 00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:57,160 and then heat the underpart where they were 141 00:06:57,160 --> 00:07:02,320 so their attempts to make themselves free would look as if they were playing instruments. 142 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:05,400 That's like Britain's Got Talent. That sounds horrible. 143 00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:07,800 Almost as horrible as Britain's Got Talent. 144 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:09,520 But let's see some film, 145 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:11,720 if we can, Mr Man In The Gallery. 146 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:15,720 There we are. 147 00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:17,560 JIMMY: Why are they performing on his arm? 148 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:19,440 They get fed with his blood. Ah! 149 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:22,000 JOHN: That's to show how small they are. 150 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:24,120 He's going to burn them with the sun. 151 00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:25,920 It's Ben-Hur. 152 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:28,800 Robot Wars. 153 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:33,480 Why have they got a serial killer operating the... 154 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:38,200 JOHN: That reminds me of a very old joke. 155 00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:41,800 Are you ready for a very old joke? I'd love to hear one. 156 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:44,800 How do you build a flea circus? 157 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:47,720 You have to start from scratch. 158 00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:49,120 Hey-hey! Excellent. 159 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,400 Is that stuck into the flea or glued on? 160 00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:55,720 It's glued or they make wire harnesses for them. 161 00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:59,320 And people like Michael Bentine invented these mechanical ones. 162 00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:01,840 He did one in a Royal Variety Performance in the '60s. 163 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:03,280 And that's when I first saw it. 164 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:08,960 I realised there were no fleas and, like you, I thought there was no such thing and it was just a joke. 165 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:14,040 It was part of an idea that you had freak shows. You'd have all sorts of daft things... 166 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:17,280 It's awful to raise this. You two aren't related, are you? 167 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:20,840 Are you suggesting we're some kind of freak show... 168 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:22,280 No, I just... 169 00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:25,760 ..that should be next to the flea circus? 170 00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:29,560 There's not a... There's a bit of a likeness, we're brother and sister. 171 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:31,560 That explains it! 172 00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:34,520 Flea circuses covered a range of acts, including chariot races 173 00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:37,640 and fencing matches as well as acrobatics and... 174 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:42,520 Techniques included glueing the fleas to musical instruments and then heating the floor 175 00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:44,680 so they seemed to be playing as they struggled. 176 00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:47,840 What is the really odd thing about the only fish in the world 177 00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:50,160 that lives in a tree? 178 00:08:50,300 --> 00:08:53,140 Is it going to be an underwater tree...thing? 179 00:08:53,140 --> 00:08:57,940 Like fish that can live in anemones cos they're the only ones that aren't poisoned by them? 180 00:08:57,940 --> 00:09:00,340 These are trees above the surface. 181 00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:05,860 Stephen, is that meant to be a perfect picture of...? No. 182 00:09:05,860 --> 00:09:08,220 I know that's a salmon for a start. 183 00:09:08,220 --> 00:09:11,340 It does not like to live in a tree, I know that. 184 00:09:11,340 --> 00:09:14,300 We can actually show you the real fish in a tree. 185 00:09:14,300 --> 00:09:18,820 There we are in the mangrove swamps of Florida. Where is it? 186 00:09:18,820 --> 00:09:21,540 You can't see it yet, but this is its habitat. 187 00:09:21,540 --> 00:09:27,420 These pools shrink and it goes up these little grooves made by insects, 188 00:09:27,420 --> 00:09:32,940 whole groups of them go up into the tree. We can see one poking its eye out. 189 00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:38,780 And what's the unusual thing? Can it whistle one tune while it hums another? 190 00:09:38,780 --> 00:09:42,420 Kind of almost an erotic version of that. 191 00:09:42,420 --> 00:09:46,940 It is the only vertebrate that is a hermaphrodite that self-fertilises. 192 00:09:46,940 --> 00:09:49,060 That's how it breeds. 193 00:09:49,060 --> 00:09:52,700 It pleasures itself and... Why don't we all do that? 194 00:09:52,700 --> 00:09:56,900 In terms of natural selection, why don't we all, because that'd be fun. 195 00:09:56,900 --> 00:10:01,420 My teenage years... You're right. ..there would've been thousands. 196 00:10:01,420 --> 00:10:04,340 It'd be fun to tell yourself you've got a headache. 197 00:10:06,420 --> 00:10:08,500 "No, I can't tonight." 198 00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:13,420 Isn't it asexual reproduction? No, it's hermaphroditic. Parthenogenesis you may be thinking. 199 00:10:13,420 --> 00:10:15,340 Oh, right, I was. 200 00:10:15,340 --> 00:10:17,300 LAUGHTER 201 00:10:19,940 --> 00:10:22,380 He's new. 202 00:10:25,660 --> 00:10:31,380 It's called a killifish and there are 1,270 different species of them. 203 00:10:31,380 --> 00:10:34,740 That's not the same one we've seen. 204 00:10:34,740 --> 00:10:38,660 That's his sister! It's not, but it's certainly a killifish. 205 00:10:38,660 --> 00:10:42,180 Now, while we're at the water's edge, 206 00:10:42,180 --> 00:10:44,700 why does a flamingo stand on one leg? 207 00:10:44,700 --> 00:10:46,900 JOHN'S BUZZER 208 00:10:46,900 --> 00:10:50,780 I think I have the answer. Because it wants to go to sleep. 209 00:10:50,780 --> 00:10:52,220 Yes. Is it? 210 00:10:52,220 --> 00:10:54,580 You're right! Ah, well. 211 00:10:54,580 --> 00:10:57,620 I was going to say land mines! 212 00:10:57,620 --> 00:11:00,500 APPLAUSE 213 00:11:00,500 --> 00:11:05,220 Are they pink because they're on their period, but it's not a very heavy flow? 214 00:11:05,220 --> 00:11:09,340 No, you're right. They have, like other animals, the ability 215 00:11:09,340 --> 00:11:13,060 for half of themselves to go to sleep. 216 00:11:13,060 --> 00:11:15,380 So the half with the leg up is asleep. 217 00:11:15,380 --> 00:11:21,100 That whole half of their body is in a torpid state and the blood flow's less. 218 00:11:21,100 --> 00:11:25,340 When that has had enough sleep, they swap over and the other leg goes up. 219 00:11:25,340 --> 00:11:30,620 There must be an in-between moment when they fall on their arse. You wonder, don't you! 220 00:11:30,620 --> 00:11:35,060 How does that work? Does it go naturally down the middle of their face and neck 221 00:11:35,060 --> 00:11:38,460 or does their arse go to sleep, and then their face wakes up? 222 00:11:38,460 --> 00:11:45,340 One assumes... I don't know. The phrase "my leg's gone to sleep" has a whole new thing. Precisely. 223 00:11:45,340 --> 00:11:47,380 And they are pink because...? 224 00:11:47,380 --> 00:11:50,980 It's...not crayfish, prawns or something. 225 00:11:50,980 --> 00:11:54,540 KLAXON It's not prawns. It's a common fallacy 226 00:11:54,540 --> 00:11:57,500 that they're pink cos the eat pink food like prawns... 227 00:11:57,500 --> 00:12:00,140 Or Angel Delight. Or Angel Delight. 228 00:12:00,140 --> 00:12:06,180 No, they eat a blue-green algae which is full of carotenoid that makes them pink. 229 00:12:06,180 --> 00:12:12,580 In zoos they give them supplements to make them pink. The flamingo version of Where's Wally is hard. 230 00:12:12,580 --> 00:12:14,540 LAUGHTER 231 00:12:14,540 --> 00:12:17,420 Interestingly, they can drink boiling water. 232 00:12:17,420 --> 00:12:19,780 How did they find that out? 233 00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:23,780 A very cruel man found that out. "Here you go!" 234 00:12:23,780 --> 00:12:27,300 They live near geysers where the water is that temperature. 235 00:12:27,300 --> 00:12:29,340 They can eat a McDonald's apple pie. 236 00:12:29,340 --> 00:12:31,740 The only species that can! 237 00:12:31,740 --> 00:12:35,420 Which is the hottest substance known to man. Yeah. 238 00:12:35,420 --> 00:12:38,180 Verified by NASA. 239 00:12:38,180 --> 00:12:40,500 LAUGHTER 240 00:12:40,500 --> 00:12:44,020 I think we've sucked all the nutrient out of the flamingo. 241 00:12:44,020 --> 00:12:48,300 Now, what kind of tricks could you play on a naive rhinoceros? 242 00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:50,660 Ooh! JIMMY'S BUZZER 243 00:12:50,660 --> 00:12:54,540 You could tell it it's a unicorn that just needs to moisturise. 244 00:12:57,740 --> 00:12:59,580 Poor thing! 245 00:12:59,580 --> 00:13:03,380 You could tell it that you are the wife of a Nigerian ambassador 246 00:13:03,380 --> 00:13:06,940 and that if it sent you 4,000... 247 00:13:06,940 --> 00:13:09,700 It would probably go for it, wouldn't it? It might! 248 00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:14,900 So this is a naive rhino? As opposed to... Sometimes you get a rhino that's quite worldly-wise. 249 00:13:14,900 --> 00:13:18,580 It's the zoological or natural history meaning of the word "naive". 250 00:13:18,580 --> 00:13:23,100 It has a special meaning when applied to animals. Do you know what that is? Naive animal? 251 00:13:23,100 --> 00:13:27,020 Just, he's a bit...? Is it very old? 252 00:13:27,020 --> 00:13:31,780 No, it's to do with an animal that is suddenly put into a terrain or an ecosphere 253 00:13:31,780 --> 00:13:34,380 which its evolution has not prepared it for, or... 254 00:13:34,380 --> 00:13:40,060 Like a rhinoceros going to Peckham, for example? Exactly. ..or the other thing that can happen, 255 00:13:40,060 --> 00:13:44,300 that into, for example, the classic example is an island, a new species arrives 256 00:13:44,300 --> 00:13:49,820 that can cause absolute havoc. Something like a dodo, for example, or all kinds of birds and animals 257 00:13:49,820 --> 00:13:55,180 in Bermuda and various islands that had literally evolved with no sense of fear whatsoever. 258 00:13:55,180 --> 00:13:59,620 Because a sense of fear uses up energy - constantly running and looking and being nervous. 259 00:13:59,620 --> 00:14:04,380 If you live on an island where all the species are friendly, none of them wants to eat you, 260 00:14:04,380 --> 00:14:07,820 you completely over the thousands of years lose any sense of fear. 261 00:14:07,820 --> 00:14:10,780 So when people first arrived on Bermuda, for example, 262 00:14:10,780 --> 00:14:15,860 all these birds would wander into their hands, you could pick them up and put them in a cooking pot. 263 00:14:15,860 --> 00:14:19,220 The other birds would cluster around quite happily. The point is 264 00:14:19,220 --> 00:14:23,860 you can play almost any kind of trick on a naive rhinoceros - the term is applied to animals 265 00:14:23,860 --> 00:14:29,660 that meet threats their environment hasn't prepared them for, such as a new predator. Now... 266 00:14:29,660 --> 00:14:34,180 as night falls on our expedition, the evening chorus starts up from the waterhole. 267 00:14:34,180 --> 00:14:39,940 It's spring and love is in the air. What are these toads saying to each other? 268 00:14:39,940 --> 00:14:43,620 CROAKING 269 00:14:46,620 --> 00:14:48,860 It's very repetitive. 270 00:14:48,860 --> 00:14:50,700 These are natterjacks. 271 00:14:50,700 --> 00:14:54,660 Natterjacks, like a lot of toads, have explosive sexual engagements... 272 00:14:54,660 --> 00:15:01,820 Not just toads. ..when suddenly it's ready and the male toad will jump on anything - 273 00:15:01,820 --> 00:15:04,260 animal, vegetable or mineral. 274 00:15:04,260 --> 00:15:10,020 But hopefully a female toad. But very often it will jump on a male toad. That's OK, too. 275 00:15:10,020 --> 00:15:12,340 Which is fine. Yeah. 276 00:15:14,100 --> 00:15:17,140 But the male toad underneath often doesn't like it... 277 00:15:17,140 --> 00:15:20,540 Well, you know, reach around! 278 00:15:20,540 --> 00:15:25,140 ..and it makes a noise, and that is the noise you hear during the mating season. 279 00:15:25,140 --> 00:15:28,740 A boy at my school used to catch frogs and skin them and let them go. 280 00:15:28,740 --> 00:15:30,260 Oh...! 281 00:15:30,260 --> 00:15:35,820 Well, he let them GO! Why have you always got to focus on the negative stuff? 282 00:15:35,820 --> 00:15:37,780 He was a humanitarian. 283 00:15:37,780 --> 00:15:40,700 He said, "It's amazing, you can see all their insides!" 284 00:15:40,700 --> 00:15:44,700 Just one word comes to my head - Essex. I don't know why. 285 00:15:46,220 --> 00:15:49,860 He says it was a school - it was a Borstal! 286 00:15:49,860 --> 00:15:54,860 Well, he said he did that, anyway. Said you had to leave a little bit around their eyes. Oh...! 287 00:15:54,860 --> 00:15:57,700 Yeah, you don't want to be cruel. 288 00:15:57,700 --> 00:16:01,820 So you're saying the sound we heard there was a lot of frogs going... 289 00:16:01,820 --> 00:16:03,500 "I'm a bloke!" 290 00:16:03,500 --> 00:16:07,700 I can't understand the idea that this toad would have evolved and gone, 291 00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:11,660 "When the mating season comes round, just go for your life," 292 00:16:11,660 --> 00:16:15,700 rather than trying to chat a girl up...in a froggy way. 293 00:16:15,700 --> 00:16:18,940 Do you know the difference between a frog and a toad? 294 00:16:18,940 --> 00:16:22,180 Spelling. LAUGHTER 295 00:16:22,180 --> 00:16:24,700 Very good! 296 00:16:26,620 --> 00:16:29,660 You might as well be right - there's no definitive difference. 297 00:16:29,660 --> 00:16:34,260 Generally speaking, toads have dry skin and dry lives, 298 00:16:34,260 --> 00:16:36,220 but there is no real difference. 299 00:16:36,220 --> 00:16:42,500 I used to have an Alsatian and she came to wake me up one morning. Normally she'd wait for me. 300 00:16:42,500 --> 00:16:46,380 She came and put her head under the duvet and pulled it off me. 301 00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:48,620 I said, "What are you doing?" 302 00:16:48,620 --> 00:16:51,460 She went to the bedroom door and looked at me like that. 303 00:16:51,460 --> 00:16:58,100 I got up and she went to the kitchen door still looking at me and led me to her water bowl by the back door. 304 00:16:58,100 --> 00:17:00,820 She was looking at it and looking at me. 305 00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:03,060 I looked at it and there was a frog in it. 306 00:17:04,260 --> 00:17:06,260 That's so sweet. 307 00:17:06,260 --> 00:17:11,860 It must've come in the back door the night before, then found itself in the kitchen, 308 00:17:11,860 --> 00:17:15,700 and then got in the water bowl and sat there all night like... 309 00:17:15,700 --> 00:17:18,340 with this huge dog staring at it! 310 00:17:21,060 --> 00:17:24,620 He said, "I'm going to get Alan, this isn't..." 311 00:17:24,620 --> 00:17:28,660 I love the idea of the relationship between you and your dog. 312 00:17:28,660 --> 00:17:32,460 You're on quite a level... "Have a look at this, Alan." 313 00:17:33,660 --> 00:17:39,340 We shared a flat. Thing was, I had a walled garden, I don't know how the frogs got in, 314 00:17:39,340 --> 00:17:41,140 but they did every year. 315 00:17:41,140 --> 00:17:46,100 The odd thing, you're saying... A huge quantity of toads are killed every year on the roads. 316 00:17:46,100 --> 00:17:49,500 About 20 tons of toad lose their lives. 317 00:17:49,500 --> 00:17:54,220 We're trying to make it less with toad tunnels. Do you know why so many die on the road? 318 00:17:54,220 --> 00:18:01,100 It's mating season. They have ancient mating ponds they've had for hundreds of years. 319 00:18:01,100 --> 00:18:04,180 Whether there's a road there or not, that's the way they've always gone. 320 00:18:04,180 --> 00:18:10,980 You used to have them in a pond in Buckhurst Hill. People would go out with frying pans... 321 00:18:10,980 --> 00:18:15,340 They'd hop into a frying pan, and then you'd flip 'em. 322 00:18:15,340 --> 00:18:19,180 There's scores of them. It combines fun with doing good. 323 00:18:21,740 --> 00:18:25,300 They land on another toad and it's all done. 324 00:18:25,300 --> 00:18:29,340 Did you hear an extraordinary story in Hamburg in 2005? 325 00:18:29,340 --> 00:18:32,740 About the exploding toads? Vaguely, yes. 326 00:18:32,740 --> 00:18:36,140 Toads started exploding during the mating season. 327 00:18:36,140 --> 00:18:41,060 More than 1,000 toads swollen to three times their usual size crawled out of the water, 328 00:18:41,060 --> 00:18:46,420 making screeching noises, and blew up, propelling their entrails up to a yard away. 329 00:18:46,420 --> 00:18:51,060 People thought it might be a virus or pollution, but do you know what was the cause? 330 00:18:51,060 --> 00:18:52,540 < Al-Qaeda. 331 00:18:52,540 --> 00:18:53,740 No. 332 00:18:53,740 --> 00:18:55,620 Suicide toads. 333 00:18:55,620 --> 00:18:59,660 It wasn't... They were all fundamentalists and misguided... 334 00:18:59,660 --> 00:19:03,740 They go to a busy market place and splatter everyone with toad entrail. 335 00:19:03,740 --> 00:19:05,580 "That'll learn ya!" 336 00:19:05,580 --> 00:19:07,780 "Toad rights!" 337 00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:08,900 It was crows. 338 00:19:08,900 --> 00:19:16,060 Crows had discovered how to fly in and, in one swift movement, remove the liver of the toads. 339 00:19:16,060 --> 00:19:18,420 They'd go in and pull out the liver. 340 00:19:18,420 --> 00:19:20,460 Are these ninja crows? 341 00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:24,500 What are you talking about? They come in, scalpel ready... 342 00:19:24,500 --> 00:19:30,900 No, they use their beak. And just...? Birds have worked out how to do that with a single strike. 343 00:19:30,900 --> 00:19:36,700 The toads' defence mechanism did the rest. They puffed themselves up to intimidate their foe, 344 00:19:36,700 --> 00:19:42,660 forcing their intestines out of the hole that had been made and had a kind of fatal hernia. 345 00:19:42,660 --> 00:19:47,940 The other thing about toads is it sometimes does rain toads, doesn't it? That does happen. 346 00:19:47,940 --> 00:19:51,300 It rained fish once in Knighton in Wales. I do know that. 347 00:19:51,300 --> 00:19:54,140 Cos what happened, there was like a mini tornado 348 00:19:54,140 --> 00:19:58,140 and it just picked a load of fish up out of the river and blew them along 349 00:19:58,140 --> 00:20:00,620 and rained on the town, so that can happen. 350 00:20:00,620 --> 00:20:05,100 D'you know that joke about the librarian who sees this hen come into the library, 351 00:20:05,100 --> 00:20:08,620 and the hen comes up and says, "Book!" 352 00:20:10,100 --> 00:20:13,980 And the librarian gives her a book. Tucks the book under her arm. 353 00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:16,860 The next day the hen comes in and goes, "Book, book, book!" 354 00:20:16,860 --> 00:20:20,700 Librarian gives her three books. Puts them under her arm, takes them away. 355 00:20:20,700 --> 00:20:23,980 Next day, comes in, "Book, book, book, book, book!" Five books! 356 00:20:23,980 --> 00:20:28,420 Librarian thinks, "This is weird I've never known of a hen that's this fast at reading. 357 00:20:28,420 --> 00:20:30,860 "I've got to find out what's going on." 358 00:20:30,860 --> 00:20:35,060 So she grabs her macintosh and follows the hen out of the library to a house. 359 00:20:35,060 --> 00:20:37,140 She looks in through the keyhole 360 00:20:37,140 --> 00:20:42,660 and there's the hen sitting on a bed. And there's a frog in the bed with a thermometer in its mouth, 361 00:20:42,660 --> 00:20:45,220 obviously not very well. 362 00:20:45,220 --> 00:20:47,900 The hen is tending it, and offers a book, 363 00:20:47,900 --> 00:20:51,020 and each time, the frog goes, "Read it, read it, read it..." 364 00:20:51,020 --> 00:20:53,420 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 365 00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:56,100 Silly joke, but... 366 00:20:56,100 --> 00:20:58,900 What's this? 367 00:20:58,900 --> 00:21:01,940 That's a seagull. 368 00:21:01,940 --> 00:21:03,980 And what's this? 369 00:21:03,980 --> 00:21:07,940 That's a seagull coming back from the library. 370 00:21:07,940 --> 00:21:11,100 Wanna hear my library joke? Go on. A man walks into a library, 371 00:21:11,100 --> 00:21:14,540 "Fish and chips, please." The librarian says, "This is a library." 372 00:21:14,540 --> 00:21:17,180 (WHISPERED) "Sorry, fish and chips, please." 373 00:21:17,180 --> 00:21:20,660 Excellent! But the reason I mentioned my particular joke 374 00:21:20,660 --> 00:21:24,380 is that there's something very odd about this perception we have 375 00:21:24,380 --> 00:21:27,220 that frogs go "reddit, reddit" or "ribbit, ribbit". 376 00:21:27,220 --> 00:21:32,860 D'you know why it is that all around the world people do jokes or imagine that frogs make this noise? 377 00:21:32,860 --> 00:21:36,780 Because there's only one species of frog that actually makes that noise. 378 00:21:36,780 --> 00:21:38,700 D'you know where it is? Ah... 379 00:21:38,700 --> 00:21:41,060 JIMMY: In Hollywood, California? Yes! 380 00:21:41,060 --> 00:21:45,860 It's the Pacific tree frog. And when sound came into movies and they wanted to do soundtracks 381 00:21:45,860 --> 00:21:51,020 to everything from Sanders Of The River to Tarzan movies, anything that basically was an outside... 382 00:21:51,020 --> 00:21:55,740 they'd send their sound recordist out to record frogs and things for their archives for sound. 383 00:21:55,740 --> 00:21:59,940 All the frogs down the coast of the Pacific sound like "ribbit, ribbit, ribbit". 384 00:21:59,940 --> 00:22:03,940 They don't in Africa, Europe, Central America, Asia... 385 00:22:03,940 --> 00:22:06,460 So in all American films for about 30 or 40 years 386 00:22:06,460 --> 00:22:10,740 you would hear this "ribbit, ribbit" noise, and it became the sound of a frog. 387 00:22:10,740 --> 00:22:16,060 But it just happens to be - as you rightly said, five points, Jimmy Carr - in Hollywood, California. 388 00:22:16,060 --> 00:22:18,340 Anyway... APPLAUSE 389 00:22:20,340 --> 00:22:24,900 The most common tone of a toad is "get off" because it's the high-pitched croak of protest 390 00:22:24,900 --> 00:22:27,340 it makes when a male accidentally mounts it. 391 00:22:27,340 --> 00:22:30,940 Now, what's the worst that can happen in the middle of a fairy ring? 392 00:22:30,940 --> 00:22:33,140 Well, I'm not taking that! 393 00:22:33,140 --> 00:22:37,020 You know what, there's a time and place for this sort of thing - 394 00:22:37,020 --> 00:22:39,380 10:30, Graham Norton Show. 395 00:22:39,380 --> 00:22:43,980 Thank you for not saying "sand in the Vaseline" or something obvious like that. 396 00:22:43,980 --> 00:22:48,180 No, I'll get to that! All right. I'll talk over him. 397 00:22:49,980 --> 00:22:54,020 It'll be some sort of flora or fauna, I'll wager. 398 00:22:54,020 --> 00:22:57,260 Oddly enough, it's neither. But it is a living thing. 399 00:22:57,260 --> 00:23:01,380 It's a living thing? And if it's a living thing and it's not flora or fauna... 400 00:23:01,380 --> 00:23:04,660 Oh - leprechaun! LAUGHTER 401 00:23:04,660 --> 00:23:07,340 Fungus. Fungus! 402 00:23:07,340 --> 00:23:12,420 They're magic, aren't they, fairy rings? They're said to be magic... ..by simple people. 403 00:23:12,420 --> 00:23:16,660 Exactly. ..because fungus can grow in these circles. 404 00:23:16,660 --> 00:23:19,380 And when the mushrooms shrink back, 405 00:23:19,380 --> 00:23:22,260 you get discoloured grass in a ring as well. 406 00:23:22,260 --> 00:23:25,300 Some of them... There's one in France up to 700 years old. 407 00:23:25,300 --> 00:23:27,780 What's the thing that happens, then? 408 00:23:27,780 --> 00:23:32,620 There are myths and legends about it. For example, Jo Brand, if you were a young lady... 409 00:23:32,620 --> 00:23:35,500 Don't know why you're looking at ME! 410 00:23:35,500 --> 00:23:38,060 I was trying to be gallant! 411 00:23:38,060 --> 00:23:39,900 It doesn't suit you. 412 00:23:39,900 --> 00:23:43,940 Fair enough. All right. Imagine a young lady, Jo Brand... I'll try. 413 00:23:43,940 --> 00:23:46,780 Apparently, if she goes into a fairy ring 414 00:23:46,780 --> 00:23:51,740 on a May Day morning and washes her face with the dew from the grass inside, 415 00:23:51,740 --> 00:23:53,940 she will turn into a hag. 416 00:23:53,940 --> 00:23:57,300 So, are you saying that obviously I'VE done that?! No! 417 00:23:57,300 --> 00:23:59,700 I'm saying whatever you do, don't do that. 418 00:23:59,700 --> 00:24:02,020 Don't go into a fairy ring. 419 00:24:02,020 --> 00:24:04,340 And don't do that again. 420 00:24:04,340 --> 00:24:06,380 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 421 00:24:06,380 --> 00:24:11,140 That's mean! There are worse things that can happen to a fair young maiden these days 422 00:24:11,140 --> 00:24:14,140 at the swings with half a bottle of cider. 423 00:24:14,140 --> 00:24:20,180 Anyway, supposedly you might turn into a crone or get stuck in a time vortex, all kinds of superstitions. 424 00:24:20,180 --> 00:24:25,100 Actually, fairy rings aren't caused by dancing fairies, they are a fungus. 425 00:24:25,100 --> 00:24:28,380 Now, what use is a frog after a one-night stand? 426 00:24:28,380 --> 00:24:30,220 JOHN'S BUZZER 427 00:24:30,220 --> 00:24:34,500 I think I have the answer. It's about sex, isn't it? 428 00:24:34,500 --> 00:24:36,180 It kind of is. 429 00:24:36,180 --> 00:24:38,180 I knew it. 430 00:24:38,180 --> 00:24:41,340 Some sort of natural morning-after pill effect? 431 00:24:41,340 --> 00:24:42,540 No, not that. 432 00:24:42,540 --> 00:24:47,100 For 30 years, between 1930 and 1960, this was used by Western science 433 00:24:47,100 --> 00:24:50,500 in a serious way to perform a very important function. 434 00:24:50,500 --> 00:24:53,580 Do they turn a different colour if a woman's pregnant? 435 00:24:53,580 --> 00:24:58,460 It's not exactly that, but that is the use they were put to. Pregnancy tests. Not really?! 436 00:24:58,460 --> 00:25:02,140 Pregnancy tests? Yes. A woman pees on that?! 437 00:25:02,140 --> 00:25:07,180 No, a woman's urine is injected into it. How? 438 00:25:07,180 --> 00:25:08,900 With a needle? How else? Oh, OK. 439 00:25:08,900 --> 00:25:10,980 No wonder he looks so pissed off. 440 00:25:10,980 --> 00:25:13,740 That's an African bullfrog, I think, 441 00:25:13,740 --> 00:25:16,580 but actually they use the clawed toad as much. So hang on, 442 00:25:16,580 --> 00:25:21,460 that frog's just had another frog on his back trying to bum him, suddenly there's a woman's pee 443 00:25:21,460 --> 00:25:24,940 being injected into him. He's having a horrible day. LAUGHTER 444 00:25:24,940 --> 00:25:29,700 Point is it's a female clawed frog. If the woman was pregnant, the female frog, within 8-12 hours, 445 00:25:29,700 --> 00:25:30,980 would ovulate. 446 00:25:30,980 --> 00:25:34,020 It's as simple as that. I wonder if they have a little blue line 447 00:25:34,020 --> 00:25:36,340 on their back so you look at like this... 448 00:25:36,340 --> 00:25:37,380 LAUGHTER 449 00:25:37,380 --> 00:25:39,580 A plus or a minus! But it was a standard pregnancy test. 450 00:25:39,580 --> 00:25:44,220 The best way to test if a woman is pregnant is leave it nine months, see... 451 00:25:44,220 --> 00:25:46,140 if it gets a flat. 452 00:25:46,140 --> 00:25:47,500 That's a cruel test. 453 00:25:47,500 --> 00:25:50,140 If it gets a house, it's twins. 454 00:25:50,140 --> 00:25:53,580 There was a terrible outcome having these African frogs around. 455 00:25:53,580 --> 00:25:57,140 The National Health Service in Britain kept a lot of them, 456 00:25:57,140 --> 00:26:00,940 and some of them escaped. Unfortunately, they had a disease... 457 00:26:00,940 --> 00:26:03,460 They were full of piss. LAUGHTER 458 00:26:03,460 --> 00:26:05,700 ..called chytridiomycosis. 459 00:26:05,700 --> 00:26:08,540 It's threatening a third of the world's amphibians now. 460 00:26:08,540 --> 00:26:11,860 It's spread around the world. It's actually a deep tragedy, 461 00:26:11,860 --> 00:26:14,740 and these frogs have caused part of it. 462 00:26:14,740 --> 00:26:20,140 So our Western desire to know whether we're pregnant before nine months has caused 463 00:26:20,140 --> 00:26:22,540 huge damage to lots of amphibians. There we are, 464 00:26:22,540 --> 00:26:25,700 African clawed frogs ovulate if injected with the urine 465 00:26:25,700 --> 00:26:27,860 from a pregnant woman. Until the 1950s, 466 00:26:27,860 --> 00:26:30,220 this was the only available pregnancy test. 467 00:26:30,220 --> 00:26:35,940 From frogs to hogs. Why should we feel particularly sorry for the pygmy hog-sucking louse? 468 00:26:37,020 --> 00:26:39,420 JOHN'S BUZZER Yes. 469 00:26:39,420 --> 00:26:42,700 I think we've got to worry about this, because... 470 00:26:42,700 --> 00:26:44,860 the louse goes onto the hog, right? Yeah. 471 00:26:44,860 --> 00:26:49,820 But the hogs are very small and they're not very interesting. 472 00:26:49,820 --> 00:26:53,300 And they're dying out. Is that the answer? Absolutely right. 473 00:26:53,300 --> 00:26:57,100 It's an easily forgotten fact that when a species that we care about - 474 00:26:57,100 --> 00:26:59,860 as humans we tend to care about big woolly species - 475 00:26:59,860 --> 00:27:05,020 when they become endangered, we forget there are many other species that depend on them. 476 00:27:05,020 --> 00:27:09,020 Such an example is the pygmy hog of which there are only 150 left in the world. 477 00:27:09,020 --> 00:27:12,300 And there is a whole species of louse which is only able to live on... 478 00:27:12,300 --> 00:27:16,980 I can't belief it's able to sustain that louse, cos they're about the same size. 479 00:27:18,020 --> 00:27:23,500 It's... You get a couple of those on your back, no wonder they're dying out. We have lice, 480 00:27:23,500 --> 00:27:25,620 human lice. We have... Well... 481 00:27:25,620 --> 00:27:30,100 we didn't want to discuss that in front of other people. Go and see a specialist. And they're... 482 00:27:30,100 --> 00:27:34,500 quite interesting. They tell us a lot about ourselves. For example, the body louse 483 00:27:34,500 --> 00:27:37,940 only lives in human clothing. It's only 70,000 years old, 484 00:27:37,940 --> 00:27:40,540 as a sub-species of louse. 485 00:27:40,540 --> 00:27:44,580 And that sort of tells us that humans started to wear clothing 70,000 years ago. 486 00:27:44,580 --> 00:27:49,460 And we didn't mention this about our fleas. We were talking about the flea circus... 487 00:27:49,460 --> 00:27:52,540 they only used human fleas. Oh, did they? 488 00:27:52,540 --> 00:27:57,380 And the human fleas are now dying out and may be extinct. Because of... Vacuum cleaning and all that. 489 00:27:57,380 --> 00:27:59,260 Going woof-woof, yeah. 490 00:27:59,260 --> 00:28:03,180 That is odd, isn't it? Absolutely right. 491 00:28:03,180 --> 00:28:07,180 It is a bizarre thing, where we care a lot more about the little fluffy things 492 00:28:07,180 --> 00:28:10,020 than the horrible...that beastie-looking thing. 493 00:28:10,020 --> 00:28:14,300 Isn't there the thing about the panda? It is the emblem of the World Wildlife Fund. 494 00:28:14,300 --> 00:28:19,260 So a disproportionate amount goes to saving the panda, because it looks like a battered wife. 495 00:28:21,580 --> 00:28:26,260 The pygmy hog-sucking louse is the only species of louse classified as critically endangered. 496 00:28:26,260 --> 00:28:30,660 It's co-endangered with the dwindling pygmy hog population in northern India. 497 00:28:30,660 --> 00:28:36,060 Now, whilst the pygmy hog-sucking louse is in decline, it's up, up and away for ferrets. So tell me, 498 00:28:36,060 --> 00:28:39,060 how does a ferret build an airliner? 499 00:28:39,060 --> 00:28:40,500 JO'S BUZZER Yes. 500 00:28:40,500 --> 00:28:41,700 Really weasily. 501 00:28:41,700 --> 00:28:43,620 Oh! Oh, no. 502 00:28:44,620 --> 00:28:47,300 I'm sorry, we've got there before you! 503 00:28:47,300 --> 00:28:48,900 APPLAUSE 504 00:28:48,900 --> 00:28:51,620 Oh, dear! 505 00:28:51,620 --> 00:28:54,860 If it's any consolation, I was seconds behind. 506 00:28:54,860 --> 00:28:56,540 LAUGHTER 507 00:28:56,540 --> 00:28:59,060 Boeing used them. What? Sorry? Boeing used ferrets. 508 00:28:59,060 --> 00:29:00,140 To build a plane? 509 00:29:00,140 --> 00:29:04,500 To help build a plane. Not the whole plane... They don't put that in the ads, do they? 510 00:29:04,500 --> 00:29:07,740 They're not ashamed of it. They were used for the wedding of Charles 511 00:29:07,740 --> 00:29:10,660 and Diana, for the Millennium Party In The Park... 512 00:29:10,660 --> 00:29:12,700 Looking for things? Nope. 513 00:29:12,700 --> 00:29:14,020 Their fur? 514 00:29:14,020 --> 00:29:18,580 Nope. To get something down a very long tunnel, you tie it... Brilliant! 515 00:29:18,580 --> 00:29:22,140 Absolutely. That's precisely what it is. You use it for wiring - 516 00:29:22,140 --> 00:29:26,340 it happily goes through the narrowest spaces, and it comes out the other end 517 00:29:26,340 --> 00:29:29,180 and you've got the wire through. It was used by Boeing 518 00:29:29,180 --> 00:29:31,060 right up until the 1960s, and... 519 00:29:31,060 --> 00:29:33,660 It's a brilliant idea! Isn't it? Very clever. 520 00:29:33,660 --> 00:29:38,180 Anyway, they are now the third most popular pet in America, after cats and dogs. 521 00:29:38,180 --> 00:29:41,580 They welcome you when you come back from a day's work like puppies. 522 00:29:41,580 --> 00:29:43,900 They're very like puppies. Come in! 523 00:29:43,900 --> 00:29:46,260 Yeah. They're thrilled to see you, very pleased. 524 00:29:46,260 --> 00:29:48,340 Do they run up your trousers, though? 525 00:29:48,340 --> 00:29:50,420 The trouser business is interesting. 526 00:29:50,420 --> 00:29:53,060 There are people who claim this is a Yorkshire sport, 527 00:29:53,060 --> 00:29:56,340 of having ferrets in your trousers, but no-one's sure if it is. 528 00:29:56,340 --> 00:30:00,740 It's become one, but it kind of started as a hoax in a famous interview... 529 00:30:00,740 --> 00:30:04,180 Always in '70s sitcoms, someone with a ferret up the trousers. 530 00:30:04,180 --> 00:30:06,740 Ferret up your trousers, that's right! Ooh, aah! 531 00:30:06,740 --> 00:30:09,060 You'd laugh at home. LAUGHTER 532 00:30:09,060 --> 00:30:12,500 They're used now for pet therapy, cos they are very friendly animals. 533 00:30:12,500 --> 00:30:14,380 You mean they sit opposite you... 534 00:30:14,380 --> 00:30:16,380 And talk you through your problems. 535 00:30:16,380 --> 00:30:19,140 "How does that make you feel?" LAUGHTER 536 00:30:19,140 --> 00:30:22,820 Interacting with them reduces your stress hormones. Helpful for 537 00:30:22,820 --> 00:30:27,580 the elderly, depressed and children recovering from severe illnesses. 538 00:30:27,580 --> 00:30:30,180 And they're used for that. So, get a ferret. 539 00:30:30,180 --> 00:30:33,340 And so once more we plunge, ferret-like, 540 00:30:33,340 --> 00:30:36,740 into the black hole of general ignorance, fingers on buzzers. 541 00:30:36,740 --> 00:30:39,340 What's the fastest thing in the natural world? 542 00:30:39,340 --> 00:30:41,740 ALAN'S BUZZER Alan. 543 00:30:41,740 --> 00:30:43,060 Blue whale. 544 00:30:43,060 --> 00:30:46,100 Ho-ho-ho! Every time! 545 00:30:46,100 --> 00:30:48,220 APPLAUSE 546 00:30:48,220 --> 00:30:52,260 It's never gonna be a blue whale, is it? Never gonna be blue whale. 547 00:30:52,260 --> 00:30:53,660 Any other thoughts? 548 00:30:53,660 --> 00:30:55,380 Fastest thing. ALAN'S BUZZER 549 00:30:55,380 --> 00:30:56,580 Cheetah. 550 00:30:56,580 --> 00:30:59,100 Oh! Alan Davies... 551 00:30:59,100 --> 00:31:03,340 I don't know... It's got to be alive. OK. 552 00:31:03,340 --> 00:31:05,580 Something like a cheetah but it's not? No. 553 00:31:05,580 --> 00:31:07,340 It's not an animal. It's a flower. 554 00:31:07,340 --> 00:31:10,900 So you're on a road, and suddenly it overtakes you? 555 00:31:10,900 --> 00:31:12,660 No. We're talking ejaculation. 556 00:31:12,660 --> 00:31:17,580 Ah! We're talking again, sex. It's the sex obsession! What do they do? 557 00:31:17,580 --> 00:31:21,380 Sorry, the fastest thing on Earth? Is this a personal slight at me? 558 00:31:21,380 --> 00:31:22,700 LAUGHTER 559 00:31:22,700 --> 00:31:26,660 Because I'd had a very busy week. No, it's not! It's not that. 560 00:31:26,660 --> 00:31:29,660 It's a flower called the white mulberry, 561 00:31:29,660 --> 00:31:35,220 and it pushes out its pollen at half the speed of sound. 562 00:31:35,220 --> 00:31:41,220 Mach 0.5. Pow. Over 350 miles per hour. Gosh. 563 00:31:41,220 --> 00:31:45,300 It's the fastest thing in biology. Nothing moves faster. 564 00:31:45,300 --> 00:31:47,940 But what about an aircraft? Oh. In biology. 565 00:31:47,940 --> 00:31:49,580 LAUGHTER 566 00:31:49,580 --> 00:31:52,780 What about a naturally reared organic aircraft? 567 00:31:52,780 --> 00:31:55,180 LAUGHTER Made out of ferrets. 568 00:31:55,180 --> 00:32:00,460 It's the morus alba, and what do I have on me that owes itself to...? 569 00:32:00,460 --> 00:32:01,980 Your flower, surely? 570 00:32:01,980 --> 00:32:05,940 No, something owes itself to the white mulberry I'm wearing. Silk tie? 571 00:32:05,940 --> 00:32:09,100 Silk, of course. There are thousands in China in particular, 572 00:32:09,100 --> 00:32:12,980 cos the silk worm lives on the white mulberry leaves. 573 00:32:12,980 --> 00:32:16,580 But it pollinates, it pushes out its pollen at this astounding speed. 574 00:32:16,580 --> 00:32:20,140 Stored elastic energy in its stamens. 575 00:32:20,140 --> 00:32:23,420 So if you've got hay fever, you've got no chance of escape. 576 00:32:23,420 --> 00:32:25,940 Coming out quite a pace. Have your eye out! 577 00:32:25,940 --> 00:32:27,820 LAUGHTER 578 00:32:27,820 --> 00:32:30,620 No wonder it's itchy. Wow. STEPHEN GROWLS 579 00:32:30,620 --> 00:32:33,940 So there you have it. What is...? JIMMY: What was THAT noise?! 580 00:32:33,940 --> 00:32:37,980 I was just... Nice. I was just growling. R-R-R-R! R-R-R-R! 581 00:32:37,980 --> 00:32:39,500 I want it as a ringtone. 582 00:32:39,500 --> 00:32:41,660 R-R-R-R! 583 00:32:41,660 --> 00:32:45,740 There you have it. We move on, fingers on buttons. 584 00:32:45,740 --> 00:32:49,180 What do you call a slug with a shell? 585 00:32:50,180 --> 00:32:51,740 I'm not falling for that one! 586 00:32:51,740 --> 00:32:53,300 LAUGHTER 587 00:32:53,300 --> 00:32:56,580 Er, I'll take the bullet. JIMMY'S BUZZER 588 00:32:57,580 --> 00:32:59,140 Snail? 589 00:32:59,140 --> 00:33:01,980 Oh! Just for a moment, I thought you'd say, "yes, you do" 590 00:33:01,980 --> 00:33:03,940 and then carry on. No. 591 00:33:03,940 --> 00:33:06,380 So you asked what do I call? 592 00:33:06,380 --> 00:33:08,660 A-ha! No, you can't get out of it that way. 593 00:33:08,660 --> 00:33:12,180 No, a snail with a shell is a snail, a slug with a shell is a slug. 594 00:33:12,180 --> 00:33:15,380 Some slugs have shells and they are slugs, not snails. 595 00:33:15,380 --> 00:33:20,340 Vestigial snails, small snails, snails like the glass slug, and slugs we think of 596 00:33:20,340 --> 00:33:23,660 as being sort of shell-less snails, but they can have little 597 00:33:23,660 --> 00:33:28,500 things on. They eat each other's slime as an act of foreplay, then afterwards... 598 00:33:28,500 --> 00:33:31,180 So do I. LAUGHTER 599 00:33:31,180 --> 00:33:35,300 Does the female then bite off your penis? 600 00:33:35,300 --> 00:33:37,500 Huh? 601 00:33:37,500 --> 00:33:40,260 Well, it nibbles. 602 00:33:40,260 --> 00:33:43,140 We can but hope! 603 00:33:44,380 --> 00:33:48,140 They're obviously terrible garden pests, but they are, after insects... 604 00:33:48,140 --> 00:33:51,420 Used to live in our kitchen, when we were students. 605 00:33:51,420 --> 00:33:54,220 There'd just be trails across the floor in the morning. 606 00:33:54,220 --> 00:33:56,260 We didn't do anything about it. 607 00:33:56,260 --> 00:34:00,820 LAUGHTER Just had bits of cornflakes stuck... Eurgh! Carry on. Yeah! 608 00:34:00,820 --> 00:34:03,860 There are 37,000 species of gastropod. 609 00:34:03,860 --> 00:34:08,020 After insects, they're the most common class of animal on the Earth. 610 00:34:08,020 --> 00:34:09,900 37,000? Mmm. Write that down. 611 00:34:09,900 --> 00:34:12,820 Yep, if you would. I will test you next week. 612 00:34:12,820 --> 00:34:14,980 How do peacocks impress the ladies? 613 00:34:14,980 --> 00:34:16,180 Again... 614 00:34:16,180 --> 00:34:19,260 Hm? This... I'm... Yeah? 615 00:34:19,260 --> 00:34:23,340 By doing the thing, by doing the... No. So what? I don't know what you're saying. 616 00:34:23,340 --> 00:34:24,820 LAUGHTER 617 00:34:24,820 --> 00:34:31,980 Do they say to the female peacock, "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" "Protected from foxes." 618 00:34:33,860 --> 00:34:39,340 It's good that you've avoided our trap, because you're right. You'd think it was fanning. Look at that. 619 00:34:39,340 --> 00:34:42,820 That's astonishing. It's real, not made up. Phwoar. 620 00:34:42,820 --> 00:34:46,060 But some Japanese scientists at the University of Tokyo 621 00:34:46,060 --> 00:34:49,660 have discovered, much to everybody's surprise after a long study, 622 00:34:49,660 --> 00:34:55,180 that peahens seem to select peacocks according to other criteria. 623 00:34:55,180 --> 00:34:58,860 It seems to be... Sense of humour. Exactly! That's it! 624 00:34:58,860 --> 00:35:05,060 It's personality and sense of humour, not colour and the drama of fanning. 625 00:35:05,060 --> 00:35:08,180 Often I find they SAY that, but when it comes down to it... 626 00:35:08,180 --> 00:35:10,340 they go off with a much hunkier guy. 627 00:35:10,340 --> 00:35:15,140 They took seven years to do this and they observed 258 matings. 628 00:35:15,140 --> 00:35:18,060 It seems a very surprising result, but... 629 00:35:18,060 --> 00:35:22,860 they've been wasting their time growing their tails, if we're to believe these Japanese people. 630 00:35:22,860 --> 00:35:26,100 They took their tails off? How did they experiment with them? 631 00:35:26,100 --> 00:35:30,140 I don't know how the experiment was done. They judged tail quality in two ways - 632 00:35:30,140 --> 00:35:35,140 by simply measuring tail length, and by taking photos of each male during the fanning ritual, 633 00:35:35,140 --> 00:35:39,900 counting the number of eye spots. They examined whether females chose mates with the best-quality tails. 634 00:35:39,900 --> 00:35:43,620 According to those criteria, but that may not be the peahens' criteria. 635 00:35:43,620 --> 00:35:46,940 I think it's dodgy research. I sort of agree with you, 636 00:35:46,940 --> 00:35:50,860 I have to say. We have to do the whole thing all over again, 637 00:35:50,860 --> 00:35:52,700 and dress them in raincoats. 638 00:35:54,540 --> 00:36:00,060 Anyway, what happened after Captain Cook shot an albatross? JOHN: Ah... 639 00:36:00,060 --> 00:36:03,740 So this fella shot that fella? I can see why he's looking right at him. 640 00:36:03,740 --> 00:36:08,820 That's Captain Cook, supposedly. He looks rather like Roy Dotrice, the actor, for some reason. 641 00:36:08,820 --> 00:36:11,740 But it's Captain Cook. And the answer is, they ate it. 642 00:36:11,740 --> 00:36:15,500 Joseph Banks, the great botanist, after whom Botany Bay is named, 643 00:36:15,500 --> 00:36:19,820 he served with him and describes in his diary, he said everybody commended them, 644 00:36:19,820 --> 00:36:23,940 the albatross steaks and ate heartily of them though there was fresh pork upon the table. 645 00:36:23,940 --> 00:36:28,700 So this idea that it was bad luck to eat albatross seems to have come after Captain Cook. 646 00:36:28,700 --> 00:36:33,300 In fact, it probably came from the poem, The Ancient Mariner, the Coleridge poem, 647 00:36:33,300 --> 00:36:39,020 with which you're all familiar, of course. What do we know about...? ..Of course you know it! 648 00:36:39,020 --> 00:36:43,060 What do we know about albatrosses? Anything interesting about them? They get caught up in fishing lines. 649 00:36:43,060 --> 00:36:46,460 They do. Everyone gets very upset about it. Hm. 650 00:36:46,460 --> 00:36:50,420 Cos they're rather extraordinary birds. And they fly thousands of miles? 651 00:36:50,420 --> 00:36:53,820 The young wandering albatross will set off and will be in the air 652 00:36:53,820 --> 00:36:57,500 for ten years before it lands again. That one's looking at me. It is! 653 00:36:57,500 --> 00:37:04,420 It's looking at the camera, shall we say? Feels like it's looking at me. Ten years without landing... 654 00:37:04,420 --> 00:37:08,940 Why does it land after ten years? It must feel a fool. It must go, "I think I could go 11." 655 00:37:08,940 --> 00:37:13,180 Mating. Mating - the eggs can't be laid and hatched and incubated with its mate. 656 00:37:13,180 --> 00:37:17,980 You couldn't lay the eggs on the move? No, darling. Do they fly into the water to get food? They dive in 657 00:37:17,980 --> 00:37:21,300 and get fish. And airborne food they might pass by? No, it's fish. 658 00:37:21,300 --> 00:37:26,300 They dive, but they don't actually land. And they can go for six days without flapping their wings. 659 00:37:26,300 --> 00:37:27,860 They can glide for that long. 660 00:37:27,860 --> 00:37:31,380 They preserve their energy amazingly. JOHN: They're on thermals. 661 00:37:31,380 --> 00:37:35,860 Actually, they're not like... JIMMY: They hire thermals?! No. They take the wind 662 00:37:35,860 --> 00:37:39,220 off the surface of the water. Try and listen to the headmaster. 663 00:37:39,220 --> 00:37:41,900 LAUGHTER 664 00:37:41,900 --> 00:37:44,260 And finally, before we stagger back to civilisation, 665 00:37:44,260 --> 00:37:46,380 is a mushroom an animal or a plant? 666 00:37:46,380 --> 00:37:48,300 A plant. 667 00:37:50,740 --> 00:37:52,860 Or an animal. 668 00:37:52,860 --> 00:37:55,180 Or a... 669 00:37:55,180 --> 00:37:57,820 It's not either, it's a fungus. 670 00:37:57,820 --> 00:38:00,260 Which is it closer to? If that makes any sense. 671 00:38:00,260 --> 00:38:02,860 Animal or plant, you mean? Yeah. 672 00:38:02,860 --> 00:38:06,300 There, it's closer to a plant. Very good(!) Next to that grass. 673 00:38:06,300 --> 00:38:08,740 You'd think it was a plant, so I'll say animal. 674 00:38:08,740 --> 00:38:10,620 You're correct. Absolutely right. 675 00:38:10,620 --> 00:38:15,700 It recently was discovered it has more in common with animals than with plants. Now, 676 00:38:15,700 --> 00:38:21,180 it's time to have our guests gassed, stuffed and mounted in glass cases, as we come to the scores. 677 00:38:21,180 --> 00:38:23,700 Taking the laurels of victory this week... 678 00:38:23,700 --> 00:38:25,900 is the audience with plus ten! 679 00:38:25,900 --> 00:38:29,660 CHEERING 680 00:38:33,220 --> 00:38:36,540 How about that? Well done, audience. 681 00:38:36,540 --> 00:38:39,340 You see? It pays to know about opera. 682 00:38:39,340 --> 00:38:41,860 Just that Traviata, and there you are, they win. 683 00:38:41,860 --> 00:38:45,580 But in a creditable second place with minus one, Jimmy Carr! 684 00:38:45,580 --> 00:38:48,100 APPLAUSE 685 00:38:49,100 --> 00:38:53,180 In third place, with an excellent score for a beginner...minus four, 686 00:38:53,180 --> 00:38:54,700 John Sergeant! 687 00:38:54,700 --> 00:38:56,700 APPLAUSE 688 00:38:56,700 --> 00:38:58,060 Thank you. 689 00:38:58,060 --> 00:39:02,220 And in his usual fourth place, but oddly not last... 690 00:39:02,220 --> 00:39:03,780 with minus 18, Alan Davies! 691 00:39:03,780 --> 00:39:06,620 APPLAUSE 692 00:39:07,620 --> 00:39:09,260 And... 693 00:39:09,260 --> 00:39:11,780 in this F series, finally and fifthly, 694 00:39:11,780 --> 00:39:15,740 it's the filthily fabulous Jo Brand with minus 27! 695 00:39:15,740 --> 00:39:18,100 APPLAUSE 696 00:39:24,380 --> 00:39:28,260 So...that's all from this florid and faunal edition of QI. 697 00:39:28,260 --> 00:39:31,220 It's good night from Jo, John, Jimmy, Alan and from me, 698 00:39:31,220 --> 00:39:36,020 and I leave you with those floral tribute from Richard Brinsley Sheridan, a great pick-up line. 699 00:39:36,020 --> 00:39:39,700 "Won't you come into the garden? I would like my roses to see you." 700 00:39:39,700 --> 00:39:41,020 Good night. 701 00:39:50,660 --> 00:39:53,700 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 702 00:39:53,700 --> 00:39:56,740 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net