1 00:00:23,700 --> 00:00:25,740 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 2 00:00:31,260 --> 00:00:33,060 Good evening, good evening! 3 00:00:33,060 --> 00:00:35,900 Good evening and welcome to QI, 4 00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:39,420 where tonight we are obsessed with films and fame. 5 00:00:39,420 --> 00:00:41,460 Parading their false modesty 6 00:00:41,460 --> 00:00:44,620 down the red carpet tonight are the very famous David Mitchell. 7 00:00:44,620 --> 00:00:46,020 APPLAUSE 8 00:00:49,060 --> 00:00:52,140 The fantastically glamorous John Sessions. 9 00:00:52,140 --> 00:00:53,380 APPLAUSE 10 00:00:55,500 --> 00:00:58,900 And, Hell's teeth! It's only Emma Thompson! 11 00:00:58,900 --> 00:01:00,220 APPLAUSE 12 00:01:03,500 --> 00:01:06,380 And who is that bloke getting out of the car behind her? 13 00:01:06,380 --> 00:01:09,340 No, not him, the one behind him. You know, the curly hair? 14 00:01:09,340 --> 00:01:10,980 The one off the telly. Who is he? 15 00:01:10,980 --> 00:01:12,780 ALL: It's Alan Davies! 16 00:01:12,780 --> 00:01:14,300 So it is! 17 00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:15,500 APPLAUSE 18 00:01:20,060 --> 00:01:21,620 And tonight... 19 00:01:21,620 --> 00:01:25,140 Tonight our buzzers have come over all cinematic. David goes... 20 00:01:25,140 --> 00:01:26,780 PEARL AND DEAN JINGLE 21 00:01:30,820 --> 00:01:32,500 Emma goes... 22 00:01:32,500 --> 00:01:35,420 INDIANA JONES THEME MUSIC 23 00:01:38,500 --> 00:01:40,740 John goes... 24 00:01:40,740 --> 00:01:44,140 # There's no business like showbusiness! 25 00:01:44,140 --> 00:01:47,940 # Like no business I know...! # 26 00:01:47,940 --> 00:01:49,980 And Alan goes... 27 00:01:49,980 --> 00:01:51,620 Th-th-th-that's all, folks! 28 00:01:55,700 --> 00:01:59,820 And so it's lights, camera and action as we roll out the first question. 29 00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:02,340 Now, you're all very good at what you do, 30 00:02:02,340 --> 00:02:05,100 but what is this picture trying to tell you? 31 00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:06,820 # Show business! # 32 00:02:06,820 --> 00:02:09,100 Oh! Johnny got there first. Yes? 33 00:02:09,100 --> 00:02:12,020 It is a painting by Man Ray of Ingres and it is known 34 00:02:12,020 --> 00:02:17,020 as the Violin d'Ingres, because it's a kind of a pun. 35 00:02:17,020 --> 00:02:20,500 But a Violin d'Ingres is actually more than a hobby, 36 00:02:20,500 --> 00:02:24,860 because the famous French painter Ingres was a brilliant violinist, 37 00:02:24,860 --> 00:02:29,740 so it is like a very, very hotly pursued hobby, a Violin d'Ingres. 38 00:02:29,740 --> 00:02:32,140 Well, what you've done is saved us a lot of time 39 00:02:32,140 --> 00:02:36,980 by being completely, 100% right in every particular! That's very good! 40 00:02:36,980 --> 00:02:41,140 Yeah. It's a photograph. Of course, it's a photograph of a real model, 41 00:02:41,140 --> 00:02:43,980 Kiki of Montparnasse, who was a favourite model 42 00:02:43,980 --> 00:02:46,620 of a lot of the Surrealist artists. 43 00:02:46,620 --> 00:02:48,060 And this is a painting by Ingres, 44 00:02:48,060 --> 00:02:52,380 the neo-classicist French painter who died in... 45 00:02:52,380 --> 00:02:55,620 1864, I think. Are you going to be like this all the way through? 46 00:02:57,580 --> 00:02:59,740 This is a complicated point we have to get across. 47 00:02:59,740 --> 00:03:03,180 The French have a phrase, which is Ingres violin, 48 00:03:03,180 --> 00:03:07,340 which means somebody who does something they are not famous for, 49 00:03:07,340 --> 00:03:09,180 but does it almost as well, i.e. 50 00:03:09,180 --> 00:03:12,460 they have a whole other side, a whole other string to their bow. 51 00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:15,580 And in the case of Ingres, it was that he was a talented violinist, 52 00:03:15,580 --> 00:03:17,900 as well as a great painter. 53 00:03:17,900 --> 00:03:21,100 And so to a question about a man who definitely, definitely 54 00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:22,780 has one more string to his bow. 55 00:03:22,780 --> 00:03:28,500 How would you like to have Cedric Gibbons nude on your mantelpiece? 56 00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:31,980 It's not Stanley Gibbons the philatelist? No! 57 00:03:31,980 --> 00:03:36,380 He's a Hollywood figure, remarkable Hollywood figure, Cedric Gibbons. 58 00:03:36,380 --> 00:03:40,140 He was the premier art director/production designer 59 00:03:40,140 --> 00:03:42,620 of Hollywood, for MGM. 60 00:03:42,620 --> 00:03:46,300 And in 1928 he was asked to design something. What might that have been? 61 00:03:46,300 --> 00:03:48,100 Gone With The Wind? No. The Oscar? 62 00:03:48,100 --> 00:03:50,540 Thank you! The Oscar! 63 00:03:50,540 --> 00:03:54,700 And not only did he design it, he won 11 of them. 64 00:03:54,700 --> 00:03:57,620 He was nominated for 36 and won 11. 65 00:03:57,620 --> 00:04:01,740 Almost all Oscars, as you know, were won by Walt Disney who won how many? 66 00:04:01,740 --> 00:04:04,420 109. 26! 67 00:04:04,420 --> 00:04:08,460 And Cedric Gibbons won 11, and all the rest went to Emma Thompson. 68 00:04:09,860 --> 00:04:11,780 Oh, look! There she is! 69 00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:16,180 A lovely winning smile. Do you remember which one that was? 70 00:04:16,180 --> 00:04:18,180 That's Sense And Sensibility. 71 00:04:18,180 --> 00:04:21,060 Or Howard's End? Howard's Way. I nearly said Howard's Way! 72 00:04:21,060 --> 00:04:23,660 That interesting boat script I wrote! 73 00:04:23,660 --> 00:04:26,060 But you were nominated for three others. 74 00:04:26,060 --> 00:04:28,900 Yes. Do you remember what they were? 75 00:04:28,900 --> 00:04:30,300 Umm... Remains Of The Day. 76 00:04:30,300 --> 00:04:32,660 Remains Of The Day. In The Name Of The Father. 77 00:04:32,660 --> 00:04:34,380 Best Supporting Actress. 78 00:04:34,380 --> 00:04:37,860 And you were also nominated for Sense And Sensibility. Oh, yes! 79 00:04:37,860 --> 00:04:41,500 OK, I had forgotten that. I can remember all the GCSEs I did. 80 00:04:44,140 --> 00:04:48,380 I would definitely remember every Oscar nomination! 81 00:04:48,380 --> 00:04:52,300 I think when the rest of my brain had melted 82 00:04:52,300 --> 00:04:57,100 and I had to be fed through a tube, those five names of films would still come out. 83 00:04:57,100 --> 00:04:59,820 The best film one year was Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs. 84 00:04:59,820 --> 00:05:03,700 Do you know what... They altered the Oscar to some extent. They made him a midget? 85 00:05:03,700 --> 00:05:06,460 They made him one big one and seven little ones. 86 00:05:06,460 --> 00:05:10,500 It must have been a grim year because that is a boring cartoon. 87 00:05:12,940 --> 00:05:16,420 I made an Oscar. I actually made a genuine Oscar. 88 00:05:16,420 --> 00:05:18,660 I went to the factory in Chicago where they were made. 89 00:05:18,660 --> 00:05:20,300 Is it a mould, like a jelly mould? 90 00:05:20,300 --> 00:05:22,700 There is a mould, but it is pure metal. Britannium. 91 00:05:22,700 --> 00:05:26,140 Or do you have to hue it over weeks? You give it a damn good buffing. 92 00:05:26,140 --> 00:05:29,380 If you have to hue it, and I'm not being rude, but if I was winning 93 00:05:29,380 --> 00:05:32,100 an Oscar this year, I'd say, can I have one of the ones 94 00:05:32,100 --> 00:05:36,900 made by the professionals rather than the one Stephen Fry ballsed up?! 95 00:05:36,900 --> 00:05:41,740 I was well supervised. To be honest, I did a bit of buffing. On the bum area, I bet! 96 00:05:41,740 --> 00:05:43,780 And then dipping... 97 00:05:47,740 --> 00:05:50,340 You bad. You very bad man. 98 00:05:52,780 --> 00:05:55,180 A good buttock flossing! 99 00:05:55,180 --> 00:05:58,620 And then dipping him in nickel and then in that gold. 100 00:05:58,620 --> 00:06:03,180 So, you didn't really make one. No, I didn't make him. It's like the Queen pulling a pint. 101 00:06:03,180 --> 00:06:06,140 Basically, that's more or less what it was like. 102 00:06:06,140 --> 00:06:10,060 So, who was the Best Actor in your year you were Best Actress? Al Pacino. 103 00:06:10,060 --> 00:06:13,020 And your other Oscar, of course, was for Best Adapted Screenplay. 104 00:06:13,020 --> 00:06:18,220 Yes. For Sense And Sensibility. I should have won that Oscar, as a matter of fact. 105 00:06:18,220 --> 00:06:20,820 Actually, yes, you should! Yeah. You rescued it. Yeah. 106 00:06:20,820 --> 00:06:24,940 Yes. I had one of those steam powered computers and the screen 107 00:06:24,940 --> 00:06:27,980 had done something to the script. 108 00:06:27,980 --> 00:06:32,700 It had transmogrified into hieroglyphs, into just.... 109 00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:37,940 Not words, not anything that I could recognise, just funny shapes. 110 00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:41,420 I got the computer bloke round and he couldn't work it out. 111 00:06:41,420 --> 00:06:47,220 So, finally, I took the computer out of the wall, still in my dressing gown, got in a taxi, went 112 00:06:47,220 --> 00:06:52,940 with the computer round to Stephen's house, set it down and said, please! 113 00:06:52,940 --> 00:06:54,860 Find my script! 114 00:06:54,860 --> 00:06:57,340 And I did it like that, because I'm an actress. 115 00:06:57,340 --> 00:07:01,020 If I'm upset I make sure people know it! 116 00:07:01,020 --> 00:07:06,260 And he said, OK, but it took him seven hours! Hmm, I did that. 117 00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:07,740 APPLAUSE 118 00:07:07,740 --> 00:07:12,660 Advantages of being a nerd. Probably what really happened was 119 00:07:12,660 --> 00:07:15,380 he couldn't do it, and he thought, "Shit, I can't let on." 120 00:07:15,380 --> 00:07:18,980 "I'll quickly write one!" "I'll just write it. 121 00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:23,620 "It will be much quicker if I just adapt the novel." 122 00:07:23,620 --> 00:07:27,820 And I looked at it and I'd forgotten, obviously, because my brain doesn't hold 123 00:07:27,820 --> 00:07:30,380 any information for any length of time at all. 124 00:07:30,380 --> 00:07:33,740 Just looked at it and thought, that's my script and I handed it in. 125 00:07:33,740 --> 00:07:35,940 I'll send the Oscar round tomorrow. 126 00:07:35,940 --> 00:07:38,700 Now, time to test your hearing. 127 00:07:38,700 --> 00:07:41,900 What is this a representation of? 128 00:07:41,900 --> 00:07:43,540 DRIPPING AND SQUELCHING 129 00:07:46,780 --> 00:07:48,900 THWUMP! 130 00:07:50,420 --> 00:07:53,140 It's Roy Chubby Brown eating a hobnob. 131 00:07:55,460 --> 00:07:57,020 It's Gladstone being... 132 00:07:57,020 --> 00:08:00,140 Eating an ice cream and then being beamed up by the Martians. 133 00:08:00,140 --> 00:08:02,900 It's giving birth. Yes! 134 00:08:03,940 --> 00:08:09,020 Brilliant! Brilliant! That's exactly what it is. It is a lamb being born. 135 00:08:09,020 --> 00:08:10,820 God! 136 00:08:10,820 --> 00:08:13,620 In fact, this is a sound effect. 137 00:08:13,620 --> 00:08:16,020 We can actually see the sound being made. 138 00:08:16,020 --> 00:08:18,300 DRIPPING AND SQUELCHING 139 00:08:23,380 --> 00:08:24,420 THWUMP! 140 00:08:24,420 --> 00:08:26,380 LAUGHTER 141 00:08:26,380 --> 00:08:30,020 Has he listened to lambs being born and then done that, or has he said, 142 00:08:30,020 --> 00:08:34,700 no one knows what a lamb being born sounds like, I'll do any old crap. 143 00:08:34,700 --> 00:08:38,260 I'll drop a towel! She is oddly named Lizzie Calf, oddly enough! 144 00:08:38,260 --> 00:08:42,020 And she used to do the sound effects for the Archers, amongst other things. 145 00:08:42,020 --> 00:08:43,820 She's now our sound wizard, 146 00:08:43,820 --> 00:08:47,940 but there is a name to this science of sound effects, as used in movies. 147 00:08:47,940 --> 00:08:52,260 What sound recordists need is clean dialogue and all the sound effects, 148 00:08:52,260 --> 00:08:56,340 footsteps and other noises, guns being cocked and the rustle of clothing, 149 00:08:56,340 --> 00:09:01,620 the lighting of a cigarette, almost all that is done afterwards, by someone called a foley artist. 150 00:09:01,620 --> 00:09:06,620 And here is an example of some of the early foley artists making their noises. 151 00:09:06,620 --> 00:09:08,740 All kinds of different things are used. 152 00:09:08,740 --> 00:09:10,020 If you close your eyes, 153 00:09:10,020 --> 00:09:12,980 let the audience see how it is being made, you see if... 154 00:09:12,980 --> 00:09:14,820 Ah! Ah! Alan! 155 00:09:14,820 --> 00:09:16,980 When I say close your eyes. 156 00:09:16,980 --> 00:09:19,660 When I open them, you won't all have gone, will you? 157 00:09:21,220 --> 00:09:25,100 You close your eyes, we'll let the audience and everyone at home see 158 00:09:25,100 --> 00:09:27,900 some more sounds being made. See if you can see what these are. 159 00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:31,300 SCRAPE! THUD! CLUNK! 160 00:09:31,300 --> 00:09:33,660 So, what was that? A guillotine! 161 00:09:33,660 --> 00:09:35,340 A guillotine, all right. 162 00:09:35,340 --> 00:09:36,940 Very good. How was it made? 163 00:09:36,940 --> 00:09:39,180 With a guillotine and a person! 164 00:09:40,460 --> 00:09:44,940 And a bucket. No, they wanted the sound of cabbages being chopped up, 165 00:09:44,940 --> 00:09:46,420 and so they had to kill a guy. 166 00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:48,060 Oh! Very good! It was indeed. 167 00:09:48,060 --> 00:09:50,780 I had my eyes shut long after the sound had finished. 168 00:09:50,780 --> 00:09:52,700 I am so obedient. It was indeed a cabbage. 169 00:09:52,700 --> 00:09:55,860 You slide a knife along a scaffolding pole and then chop 170 00:09:55,860 --> 00:09:59,300 a cabbage and drop it into the bucket. It's pretty good. 171 00:09:59,300 --> 00:10:01,780 We've got another one. Close your eyes. 172 00:10:01,780 --> 00:10:03,700 CLIP, CLOP, CLIP, CLOP 173 00:10:06,380 --> 00:10:10,260 What was that? Somebody pretending to be a horse! 174 00:10:10,260 --> 00:10:12,700 That sounds exactly like some coconut shells. 175 00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:14,860 Oh! You're so cynical! 176 00:10:14,860 --> 00:10:19,580 That's a two-legged horse wearing some awkward shoes. 177 00:10:19,580 --> 00:10:22,060 EMMA: It's a horse clapping. 178 00:10:25,060 --> 00:10:27,980 Don't you think it sounds like a horse? EMMA: It does! 179 00:10:27,980 --> 00:10:31,980 You've seen it many times in films without knowing it was coconut. 180 00:10:31,980 --> 00:10:33,500 If you see the visual thing, 181 00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:38,060 then it works. Close your eyes. What you think this sound is? 182 00:10:38,060 --> 00:10:41,980 CRACKLING It's fire. Exactly. 183 00:10:41,980 --> 00:10:46,780 They use this for fire ripping through straw. This is a good one. 184 00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:50,300 This is weird because you see it and think no, bollocks. 185 00:10:50,300 --> 00:10:53,380 It's a plain piece of paper coming out of an envelope. 186 00:10:56,580 --> 00:11:01,620 Taking off a shirt? No. This is what they genuinely used at Elstree. 187 00:11:01,620 --> 00:11:04,340 The electric doors in Star Wars! 188 00:11:04,340 --> 00:11:07,540 Paper being taken out of an envelope. As simple as that. 189 00:11:07,540 --> 00:11:12,220 You watch Star Wars now and you think, oh yes, so it is. 190 00:11:12,220 --> 00:11:18,460 We thank our sound expert and apologise if she's in tears having been mocked by David. 191 00:11:18,460 --> 00:11:22,140 I am perfectly willing to accept with the pictures there 192 00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:24,420 you buy the whole effect. 193 00:11:24,420 --> 00:11:27,940 We invite you to use your own sound effects for your YouTube films. 194 00:11:27,940 --> 00:11:30,820 I'm sure you'll come up with all kinds of exciting things... 195 00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:33,780 for vomit and sexual activities and so on. 196 00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:37,900 Now, speaking of soundtracks, where have you heard this before? 197 00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:39,700 MAN SCREAMS 198 00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:43,820 In the green room about half an hour ago. LAUGHTER 199 00:11:43,820 --> 00:11:44,860 Tom And Jerry. 200 00:11:44,860 --> 00:11:47,620 You might have heard it in Tom and Jerry, actually. 201 00:11:47,620 --> 00:11:51,940 You might well. It's a sound effect scream that has been... 202 00:11:51,940 --> 00:11:55,380 library-stocked and has been used repeatedly... 203 00:11:55,380 --> 00:11:59,300 Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, I'm gonna have to give you points, this is right. 204 00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:02,580 It's been used, it's estimated, in about 140 movies, 205 00:12:02,580 --> 00:12:06,380 including every Indiana Jones movie, 206 00:12:06,380 --> 00:12:11,260 every Star Wars movie, it's been used in... ALAN: The Likely Lads. 207 00:12:11,260 --> 00:12:12,820 LAUGHTER 208 00:12:12,820 --> 00:12:14,900 Madagascar, Planet Of The Apes, 209 00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:19,300 The Lord Of The Rings - only in two of the Lord Of The Rings trilogy, oddly enough... 210 00:12:19,300 --> 00:12:23,940 Imagine haw disappointed they were. "We'll have to go elsewhere for the third film.". 211 00:12:23,940 --> 00:12:25,980 Reservoir Dogs... 212 00:12:25,980 --> 00:12:30,420 Batman Returns, Poltergeist... Did they use it as a joke? "We've gotta use that scream,"? 213 00:12:30,420 --> 00:12:33,740 You're kind of right. It was used as a stock scream, 214 00:12:33,740 --> 00:12:39,580 and a guy called Ben Burtt, who was a young, up-and-coming sound-effects editor, 215 00:12:39,580 --> 00:12:45,380 heard it in lots of films, and he is now a very successful sound editor, and he and his friends 216 00:12:45,380 --> 00:12:50,020 whenever they sound edit a film, to put this scream in somewhere. 217 00:12:50,020 --> 00:12:53,700 Hence, it is in all kinds of movies. On YouTube, 218 00:12:53,700 --> 00:12:56,780 someone has compiled 23 different films with the scream, 219 00:12:56,780 --> 00:13:01,180 showing the scream in it. We can't show it, cos we'd have to pay all kinds of money, 220 00:13:01,180 --> 00:13:05,140 but I wish we could. Anyway, it's believed to be a man called Sheb Wooley singing, 221 00:13:05,140 --> 00:13:08,620 and it starts on the note of C - there's Sheb Wooley - 222 00:13:08,620 --> 00:13:13,540 it descends through four semitones to G sharp, and they used it in a film called Distant Drums 223 00:13:13,540 --> 00:13:16,740 in 1951. It's called the Wilhelm scream, for some reason, 224 00:13:16,740 --> 00:13:19,900 and you can hear it again. C, semitones, G sharp. 225 00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,460 WILHELM SCREAM PLAYS 226 00:13:21,460 --> 00:13:24,780 It's quite a warm scream, isn't it? It is. Yeah. 227 00:13:24,780 --> 00:13:27,460 You're not really traumatised by it. No. 228 00:13:27,460 --> 00:13:31,140 It's not as if you're being raped by a warthog or anything. LAUGHTER 229 00:13:31,140 --> 00:13:34,940 The most ubiquitous line of film dialogue - do you know what that was? 230 00:13:34,940 --> 00:13:38,900 Apparently, this line - in a survey of 150 American feature films 231 00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:44,980 from '38 to '74, showed it was used at least once in 84% of Hollywood productions. 232 00:13:44,980 --> 00:13:47,060 More than once in 17%... 233 00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:49,940 INDIANA JONES THEME PLAYS Is it... 234 00:13:49,940 --> 00:13:53,700 "Why are you telling me this?"? That's a very good one. 235 00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:57,060 That is one of the really annoying cliches, isn't it? Like... 236 00:13:57,060 --> 00:14:00,300 The other one that really annoys me is, "Don't you die on me!" 237 00:14:00,300 --> 00:14:02,220 LAUGHTER 238 00:14:02,220 --> 00:14:05,500 It almost never means actually ON the person, does it? Yeah! 239 00:14:05,500 --> 00:14:08,020 "I got a bad feeling about this..."! Oh...! 240 00:14:08,020 --> 00:14:14,260 Shut up! "Is that an order, Sir?", Well, since you asked me, Lieutenant, yes, it is." 241 00:14:14,260 --> 00:14:17,660 The one that, oh, I just really want to punch is, you know, 242 00:14:17,660 --> 00:14:22,620 when they're about to go on an operation and they go, "Showtime!"... Oh...! Oh, dear. No. 243 00:14:22,620 --> 00:14:26,700 "This is what we trained for!" "Gentlemen, we have a situation here." Or the... 244 00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:31,700 The other one that really drives me mad is, "I'm getting too old for this shit."! Christ! 245 00:14:31,700 --> 00:14:33,180 Christ! 246 00:14:33,180 --> 00:14:37,980 Apparently, the line is, "Let's get outta here,". Oh, yeah. Anyway... 247 00:14:37,980 --> 00:14:43,100 That, what you heard, was the Wilhelm scream, the most ubiquitous sound effect in film history. 248 00:14:43,100 --> 00:14:49,020 Speaking of ubiquitous sounds, what's the good thing about an English accent in Hollywood? 249 00:14:49,020 --> 00:14:51,500 You are always a villain. That's basically it. 250 00:14:51,500 --> 00:14:54,300 Or you're gay. Often a gay villain! 251 00:14:54,300 --> 00:14:58,380 Or people think you are Australian so you get bar work! 252 00:14:59,620 --> 00:15:01,740 A high octane version of the English villain, 253 00:15:01,740 --> 00:15:05,820 is to get an English villain to play a German villain. 254 00:15:05,820 --> 00:15:07,860 As in the Die Hard films. 255 00:15:07,860 --> 00:15:13,500 Die Hard has some of my favourite dialogue of our great friend Alan Rickman. 256 00:15:13,500 --> 00:15:16,300 When he says, after he's shot the man in the head, 257 00:15:16,300 --> 00:15:21,940 "Mr Takagi, I will count to three, there will not be a four." 258 00:15:21,940 --> 00:15:24,620 And then he goes downstairs and says, 259 00:15:24,620 --> 00:15:29,580 "Mr Takagi won't be joining us for the rest of his life." 260 00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:30,860 LAUGHTER 261 00:15:30,860 --> 00:15:33,900 Very good! That was brilliant. 262 00:15:33,900 --> 00:15:37,380 APPLAUSE 263 00:15:37,380 --> 00:15:40,260 There you see him, on the left there in Die Hard, and on the right? 264 00:15:40,260 --> 00:15:45,300 Robin Hood. Giving us his Sherriff of Nottingham. The extraordinary thing about Robin Hood, 265 00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:50,420 the most famous Robin Hood movies, I suppose, are the Errol Flynn one and the Kevin Costner one, 266 00:15:50,420 --> 00:15:57,620 both basically played him as an American... Kevin Costner made no bones about it! Completely American. 267 00:15:57,620 --> 00:15:59,780 Just come straight from the airport. Yeah. 268 00:15:59,780 --> 00:16:04,700 In a Virgin limo service, putting his tights on in the back...! 269 00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:10,020 To be honest, I can't think it would be a better film 270 00:16:10,020 --> 00:16:13,580 if he was struggling with a kind of Dick Van Dyke, Cockney accent... 271 00:16:15,580 --> 00:16:19,740 I just wonder, genuinely, is it because we're too good-natured to moan about it? 272 00:16:19,740 --> 00:16:23,620 We're the last country left who won't scream, "Racism!". Exactly. 273 00:16:23,620 --> 00:16:28,140 We don't shout, "It's so racist to make us the villain. Or is it that, the villains 274 00:16:28,140 --> 00:16:30,820 are kind of... have to be fiendishly clever, 275 00:16:30,820 --> 00:16:35,140 and they suspect us of something Machiavellian, deep down somewhere? 276 00:16:35,140 --> 00:16:39,380 Always. And tyrannical, cos we are the country they fought, originally, 277 00:16:39,380 --> 00:16:42,900 to create their democracy. And we're essentially unwholesome. Yes. 278 00:16:42,900 --> 00:16:47,980 Really. Unwholesome. And we have bad teeth. That's the thing they really can't forgive us for. 279 00:16:47,980 --> 00:16:50,940 The British Book Of Teeth in The Simpsons. Alan's got great teeth, 280 00:16:50,940 --> 00:16:54,260 but he does this thing where he's able to talk without actually 281 00:16:54,260 --> 00:16:57,460 letting his lips touch his teeth. 282 00:16:57,460 --> 00:16:59,340 So... 283 00:16:59,340 --> 00:17:03,100 Alan is so good at playing villains, as you all know, 284 00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:05,460 but he HATES being good at playing villains. 285 00:17:05,460 --> 00:17:10,060 He wants to play the lovely guy in the white shirt... He did, in Sense And Sensibility. 286 00:17:10,060 --> 00:17:13,060 As Colonel Brandon, absolutely. But he was at a party once, 287 00:17:13,060 --> 00:17:16,980 and kids are fantastic, they always say the thing they're not meant to say, 288 00:17:16,980 --> 00:17:18,860 and this kid said to him, "Alan?" 289 00:17:18,860 --> 00:17:21,300 SINISTER, AS ALAN RICKMAN: "Yes?" 290 00:17:22,980 --> 00:17:27,740 "Why d'you always play villains?" Whoo! You know, the last thing you're meant to say to him! 291 00:17:27,740 --> 00:17:31,420 And Alan went, "I don't play villains... 292 00:17:31,420 --> 00:17:35,700 "I play very interesting people." 293 00:17:37,660 --> 00:17:39,900 I'm going to give you a few English actors, 294 00:17:39,900 --> 00:17:42,860 Can you to tell me the villains they have played in movies? 295 00:17:42,860 --> 00:17:45,500 Peter Cushing. JOHN'S BUZZER RINGS OUT 296 00:17:45,500 --> 00:17:48,140 I don't know. Well, don't buzz! 297 00:17:48,140 --> 00:17:50,220 Let other people have a chance. Yes? 298 00:17:50,220 --> 00:17:52,940 Dracula. No, I don't think he ever played Dracula. 299 00:17:52,940 --> 00:17:54,940 Not in a Hollywood movie, certainly. 300 00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:57,940 Is it Tarkin? Very good. The Grand Moff Tarkin. 301 00:17:57,940 --> 00:17:59,420 Steven Berkoff? 302 00:17:59,420 --> 00:18:03,300 Beverly Hills Cop. Very good. 303 00:18:03,300 --> 00:18:06,100 And Rambo, in fact, if you remember. Christopher Lee? 304 00:18:06,100 --> 00:18:10,500 Hollywood movies. Scaramanga, The Man With The Golden Gun. 305 00:18:10,500 --> 00:18:14,140 He did. That's kind of made in Britain too, but actually... 306 00:18:14,140 --> 00:18:17,300 He was a bad wizard in the Hobbit films. 307 00:18:17,300 --> 00:18:20,780 He was an awfully naughty wizard! A turncoat wizard. 308 00:18:20,780 --> 00:18:24,020 He was very angry not to be cast in the third one. Furious. 309 00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:26,220 He hardly catches a break. 310 00:18:26,220 --> 00:18:27,980 He was also in Star Wars, apparently. 311 00:18:27,980 --> 00:18:30,420 Was Christopher Plummer British? 312 00:18:30,420 --> 00:18:32,740 Canadian, actually. 313 00:18:32,740 --> 00:18:39,020 I had a friend who worked with Christopher Plummer in a film and he arrived at the airport. 314 00:18:39,020 --> 00:18:42,860 The runner was there to say, "Go straight to the bar of the hotel. 315 00:18:42,860 --> 00:18:46,300 "Chris will be there, don't mention The Sound Of Music." 316 00:18:46,300 --> 00:18:48,580 "OK, OK, OK." 317 00:18:48,580 --> 00:18:53,700 So he stays around, into the bar, Christopher Plummer comes in 318 00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:58,340 and half an hour later he was playing Edelweiss on the piano. Weird. 319 00:18:58,340 --> 00:19:01,860 What did he see in the Baroness in the first place, she was vile! 320 00:19:01,860 --> 00:19:04,020 LAUGHTER 321 00:19:04,020 --> 00:19:08,100 She was a bit stiff and grumpy and not very good with children. 322 00:19:08,100 --> 00:19:13,420 Do think it would have been better if they'd made the Baroness obviously wonderful and gorgeous? 323 00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:16,140 Why's he shagging the staff?! 324 00:19:16,140 --> 00:19:21,740 She could have been Mary Poppins and then they could have had a Maria/Mary face-off. 325 00:19:23,420 --> 00:19:25,380 Like Alien Versus Predator. 326 00:19:25,380 --> 00:19:30,500 "I can get hat stands out of carpetbags!" 327 00:19:31,460 --> 00:19:35,820 "I can make a whole outfit out of curtains in two hours for six people." 328 00:19:35,820 --> 00:19:39,540 "And snap my fingers and make drawers open and close." 329 00:19:39,540 --> 00:19:42,780 "I can defeat the Nazis." And then... 330 00:19:42,780 --> 00:19:45,100 That's my trump card played. 331 00:19:45,780 --> 00:19:47,980 The thing that's never mentioned in that film 332 00:19:47,980 --> 00:19:50,740 is that he's an old naval captain, 333 00:19:50,740 --> 00:19:53,420 presumably from the Austro-Hungarian navy, 334 00:19:53,420 --> 00:19:56,820 now living in a country with no coastline. 335 00:19:56,820 --> 00:20:01,380 He'd be quite pissed off turning up for work, first day. 336 00:20:01,380 --> 00:20:03,140 Rowing round the lake! 337 00:20:03,140 --> 00:20:08,540 Just signed the Treaty Of Versailles, very exciting, what next? 338 00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:13,180 What's funny about The Sound Of Music is, it's the sort of picture Hitler would have liked, 339 00:20:13,180 --> 00:20:15,980 if only the people hadn't been running from the Nazis. 340 00:20:15,980 --> 00:20:19,460 Yeah, it probably would have appealed to his sentimental... Yeah. 341 00:20:19,460 --> 00:20:23,060 It's got that little Austrian dance. I did a film with Julie Andrews, 342 00:20:23,060 --> 00:20:26,100 and it happened to be around the time there was the, erm... 343 00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:30,340 the total eclipse. It was supposed to be in Cornwall, but we were filming in the Isle Of Man, 344 00:20:30,340 --> 00:20:35,900 and we went on to a hillside to watch the total eclipse, and half the population of the Isle Of Man, 345 00:20:35,900 --> 00:20:40,700 while this great cosmic miracle was going on, was staring at Julie Andrews, going... 346 00:20:42,300 --> 00:20:44,900 The sun had gone out, "We can't see her now,"! 347 00:20:46,460 --> 00:20:51,180 Just our luck! The one day Julie Andrews turns up, and there's an eclipse! 348 00:20:54,620 --> 00:20:58,300 I watched it on TV, it wasn't happening where I was. It was on Sky News, 349 00:20:58,300 --> 00:21:02,500 And this is the thing, they really do know to the second when it's gonna happen, 350 00:21:02,500 --> 00:21:06,740 and they still went there an hour early to film, 351 00:21:06,740 --> 00:21:09,420 and, er, and then they showed a replay of it, 352 00:21:09,420 --> 00:21:14,180 and the anchorman said, "And there's our old friend, the Moon, very much... 353 00:21:14,180 --> 00:21:15,820 "getting in the way". 354 00:21:19,780 --> 00:21:23,500 Anyway, the point is if you are an English actor, 355 00:21:23,500 --> 00:21:27,340 there is a good living to be made being beaten up by American action stars. 356 00:21:27,340 --> 00:21:31,260 Now, speaking of stiff upper lips, what does it tell you about an Englishman 357 00:21:31,260 --> 00:21:34,140 if he spells his name with a double-F at the front? 358 00:21:34,140 --> 00:21:36,540 He's from the 15th century, I'd have thought. 359 00:21:36,540 --> 00:21:38,340 Er...might be... 360 00:21:38,340 --> 00:21:40,980 Is it...? OK, this is a bit of a reach... 361 00:21:40,980 --> 00:21:48,260 Once upon a time, there was a posh man with a son who'd developed a stammer... 362 00:21:48,260 --> 00:21:50,500 LAUGHTER ..and his name was Foulkes, 363 00:21:50,500 --> 00:21:56,500 and, erm, in order to prevent himself being embarrassed by his poor son who had a stammer, 364 00:21:56,500 --> 00:22:03,260 he put two Fs in front of it so that everyone who had to introduce him had to go, "F-F-Foulkes," 365 00:22:03,260 --> 00:22:07,900 as well, as his son. He'd have to conceal that fact from his son, 366 00:22:07,900 --> 00:22:11,580 otherwise his son would try and pronounce both Fs... Oh, no! 367 00:22:11,580 --> 00:22:14,540 So it would be, "F-F-F-F-F-F..." 368 00:22:14,540 --> 00:22:18,540 No, the fact is, people think it's rather posh, but it's not. 369 00:22:18,540 --> 00:22:22,980 It's not a double-F as in music? Fortissimo! You're supposed to say the word very loudly. 370 00:22:22,980 --> 00:22:25,860 No, it's a mistake that was made in the 18th century, 371 00:22:25,860 --> 00:22:31,900 by people looking at their family records, and the way a capital F was hand-written in records, 372 00:22:31,900 --> 00:22:36,660 it looked like two small Fs, and there are people to this day who have the two small Fs. 373 00:22:36,660 --> 00:22:40,180 It's just a mistranscription. They never put it in capital letters? 374 00:22:40,180 --> 00:22:44,420 They never do, no. Two small Fs, that's how it's officially spelt. 375 00:22:44,420 --> 00:22:47,340 So if your ancestors spelt their names with a double-F, 376 00:22:47,340 --> 00:22:50,340 they were Welsh or semi-literate thickos, I'm afraid. 377 00:22:50,340 --> 00:22:54,780 So, now, fame, at last. What on Earth is going on here, please? 378 00:22:54,780 --> 00:22:58,620 WOMAN SINGS, ACCOMPANIED BY PIANO Nothing to see. 379 00:22:58,620 --> 00:23:01,740 # ..Showbusiness... # 380 00:23:01,740 --> 00:23:06,420 Florence Foster Jenkins. Very good, it is. Tell us about her. Florence Foster Jenkins was 381 00:23:06,420 --> 00:23:08,860 a very rich heiress. Yeah. 382 00:23:08,860 --> 00:23:11,700 She's actually a man. LAUGHTER 383 00:23:11,700 --> 00:23:15,420 She does seem... Her breasts have tumbled rather far south, haven't they? 384 00:23:15,420 --> 00:23:18,540 Um... JOHN: She used to rent out Carnegie Hall 385 00:23:18,540 --> 00:23:23,820 to do recitations... In fact, I think Maureen Lipman did a show about her. 386 00:23:23,820 --> 00:23:27,660 She might well have done. She just wanted to be an opera singer? 387 00:23:27,660 --> 00:23:33,140 Rich enough to rent out... It became a cult, she could have sold out Carnegie Hall ten times over. 388 00:23:33,140 --> 00:23:36,460 Cole Porter was so enamoured of her that he wrote a song for her. 389 00:23:36,460 --> 00:23:40,940 Did she not notice the whole audience pissing themselves...? 390 00:23:40,940 --> 00:23:43,940 LAUGHTER Yes, but she rose magnificently above it. 391 00:23:43,940 --> 00:23:48,500 She did say, "Some say that I couldn't sing, but no-one can say that I DIDN'T sing,". 392 00:23:50,140 --> 00:23:55,780 She was left a great deal of money when her father died. She sang at Carnegie Hall at the age of 76. 393 00:23:55,780 --> 00:23:59,940 Sold out weeks in advance. 2,000 were turned away at the door. 394 00:23:59,940 --> 00:24:05,780 And it was 20 apiece, so she actually made a lot of money. That's about 400 a ticket in modern money. 395 00:24:05,780 --> 00:24:07,740 If you paid to see that show... Yeah. 396 00:24:07,740 --> 00:24:11,340 ..you'd think... At the first bit, you'd laugh, think she's terrible, 397 00:24:11,340 --> 00:24:14,420 but the joke doesn't really go anywhere. No. By the end, 398 00:24:14,420 --> 00:24:19,660 you'd just be so bored, listening to this terrible singer. It was visually quite interesting. 399 00:24:19,660 --> 00:24:22,340 She did her own costumes and would change them regularly, 400 00:24:22,340 --> 00:24:25,660 telling the audience not to go away while she changed! LAUGHTER 401 00:24:25,660 --> 00:24:28,780 I used to do that to him, actually. 402 00:24:28,780 --> 00:24:32,740 Make sure that he couldn't get out when I was changing. You did. Yeah. 403 00:24:32,740 --> 00:24:35,740 Cos it was very good fun. She used to show me her "breests". 404 00:24:35,740 --> 00:24:38,940 Very embarrassing. This fantastic effect I used to have on him, 405 00:24:38,940 --> 00:24:42,340 I could make... I could do it now, but I'm not going to... 406 00:24:42,340 --> 00:24:47,980 AH! I could make him scream. No, don't. Not just... Not like that scream that we just heard, 407 00:24:47,980 --> 00:24:51,460 but a real, actual, sort of, scream of terror, 408 00:24:51,460 --> 00:24:56,260 and fright, um, just by appearing nude at the top of his stairs. 409 00:24:56,260 --> 00:24:58,460 LAUGHTER And doing what I like to do, 410 00:24:58,460 --> 00:25:03,460 which was locking all the doors at the bottom, so that when he tried to get out, 411 00:25:03,460 --> 00:25:07,660 as I came down the stairs, going, "Yes! Baby...! 412 00:25:07,660 --> 00:25:11,660 "They're all yours!", he couldn't get away. And by the end of which, 413 00:25:11,660 --> 00:25:15,980 he was in a state of such extreme panic, and it's great to make someone very clever, 414 00:25:15,980 --> 00:25:19,420 um, fall apart like that. I... LAUGHTER 415 00:25:19,420 --> 00:25:22,580 Well, publicity is what it's all about, there's no sense 416 00:25:22,580 --> 00:25:25,420 hiding a light under a bushel, which prompts me to ask, 417 00:25:25,420 --> 00:25:28,860 how did the ancient Greeks cover up the naughty bits on their statues? 418 00:25:28,860 --> 00:25:30,340 They didn't, did they? 419 00:25:30,340 --> 00:25:32,020 That's the point, they didn't. 420 00:25:32,020 --> 00:25:35,060 Then the Victorians chipped them all off. 421 00:25:35,060 --> 00:25:38,620 Earlier than the Victorians. In the 16th century, it started happening. 422 00:25:38,620 --> 00:25:41,100 Chipped them off? Chipped the willies off. 423 00:25:41,100 --> 00:25:43,660 I collect Greek willies! Yup. 424 00:25:43,660 --> 00:25:49,660 In some antique shop somewhere, there will be a huge barrel of Greek willies. 425 00:25:49,660 --> 00:25:51,580 Help yourself, I'm giving them free! 426 00:25:53,020 --> 00:25:54,940 Spent £40, you get a willy! 427 00:25:54,940 --> 00:25:57,460 It's 3,000 years old. 428 00:25:58,460 --> 00:26:03,100 There is a room in the Vatican which contains the chipped off bits. 429 00:26:03,100 --> 00:26:06,260 There is a proud Greek statue. 430 00:26:06,260 --> 00:26:09,140 Is he about to bash himself on the cock?! 431 00:26:12,860 --> 00:26:15,060 ARGH! 432 00:26:15,060 --> 00:26:19,940 Make yourself attractive, it shows you are really ready. 433 00:26:19,940 --> 00:26:25,940 It was about 1860 they started putting those pervy-looking cabbage leaves round them. 434 00:26:25,940 --> 00:26:29,020 It was really the Reformation and Counter Reformation in Europe. 435 00:26:29,020 --> 00:26:34,700 They had these people like Calvin and Savonarola who was a fierce proponent of all things pure. 436 00:26:34,700 --> 00:26:40,780 Suddenly, having been a wild place, everything became incredibly... It was like 1950s America. 437 00:26:40,780 --> 00:26:45,380 You see those there... That reminds me of Ruskin marrying Effie Gray. 438 00:26:45,380 --> 00:26:49,940 He, the great Victorian art critic, you know, who married this very young girl, 439 00:26:49,940 --> 00:26:52,940 and on the wedding night, um, was... 440 00:26:52,940 --> 00:26:56,740 Couldn't...have anything to do with her, cos she...he didn't know 441 00:26:56,740 --> 00:27:00,100 that naked women had... had pubic hair, had hair. 442 00:27:00,100 --> 00:27:03,580 He thought they all looked... Like that. ..like that. 443 00:27:03,580 --> 00:27:10,140 He didn't shag her for seven years, and finally she thought, "Hang on, I'm not being shagged here," 444 00:27:10,140 --> 00:27:15,140 and they divorced. But, in fact, the sad thing about that story is that it's not true. 445 00:27:15,140 --> 00:27:18,100 It's a lovely... It first appeared in the 1960s, this idea 446 00:27:18,100 --> 00:27:23,260 that Ruskin didn't know that women had pubes, and was shocked by the idea of it and vomited, you know... 447 00:27:23,260 --> 00:27:28,220 It's true he didn't shag her, for seven years. It seems to be so. The ironic thing now, Stephen, is, 448 00:27:28,220 --> 00:27:31,500 women generally DON'T have pubes anymore. Well, indeed. 449 00:27:31,500 --> 00:27:35,660 This is right. I kind of have a slightly fond memory of pubes, from the '80s. 450 00:27:35,660 --> 00:27:39,900 LAUGHTER It's something called a Peruvian, isn't it? Something like that. 451 00:27:39,900 --> 00:27:46,100 The excuse, apparently, is that pants are too small. You can't get your Yorkshire Terrier in the pants. 452 00:27:46,100 --> 00:27:48,980 Big pants, nice bush. What's wrong with that? 453 00:27:48,980 --> 00:27:50,860 LAUGHTER Seems fine to me. 454 00:27:50,860 --> 00:27:54,180 Do you wax yourself down there, darling? D'you want to see...? 455 00:27:54,180 --> 00:27:57,060 NO, I DON'T WANT TO SEE!! No, I do not...! 456 00:27:57,060 --> 00:27:59,100 APPLAUSE 457 00:27:59,100 --> 00:28:01,900 And you know I'd do it. I know you would! 458 00:28:01,900 --> 00:28:06,980 She would, she'd envelop me in her skirt! Lock the doors! Lock the doors! 459 00:28:06,980 --> 00:28:10,460 Oh, ye are faint of heart, leave immediately. 460 00:28:10,460 --> 00:28:12,340 Not you. 461 00:28:12,340 --> 00:28:15,620 What's the thing...? This is the new thing... 462 00:28:15,620 --> 00:28:19,460 Now, are they - is this true - bleaching bumholes? 463 00:28:19,460 --> 00:28:22,220 Oh, no. Is that right? Yes, bleaching them, in LA. 464 00:28:22,220 --> 00:28:25,580 David? I don't know why I'm looking at you...! LAUGHTER 465 00:28:25,580 --> 00:28:29,100 That happens. It's true? Yup. Yup. What...What...? To what end? 466 00:28:30,900 --> 00:28:34,140 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I... 467 00:28:34,140 --> 00:28:37,300 To a... To a pinker, cleaner end. Hm. 468 00:28:37,300 --> 00:28:40,660 I dunno... The porn stars do. The porn stars bleach their... 469 00:28:40,660 --> 00:28:42,700 Bum'oles. ..rusty Sherriff's badge. 470 00:28:42,700 --> 00:28:45,260 LAUGHTER 471 00:28:45,260 --> 00:28:46,900 Wow! 472 00:28:46,900 --> 00:28:51,180 At least, for a porn star, it's tax-deductible, I suppose. Yeah. OK, erm... 473 00:28:51,180 --> 00:28:53,900 Anyway, the ancient Greeks went commando. 474 00:28:53,900 --> 00:28:58,820 It was only in the later Middle Ages and Victorian times that fig leaves were placed on statues. 475 00:28:58,820 --> 00:29:02,460 What's so upsetting about this film? 476 00:29:02,460 --> 00:29:05,140 THEME FROM "JAWS" PLAYS 477 00:29:16,700 --> 00:29:19,340 MUSIC BUILDS TO CRESCENDO AND STOPS ABRUPTLY 478 00:29:19,340 --> 00:29:21,460 Do you know what's going on here? 479 00:29:21,460 --> 00:29:23,220 There are beetles. 480 00:29:23,220 --> 00:29:24,380 Is it a disease? 481 00:29:24,380 --> 00:29:25,540 It's not a disease. 482 00:29:25,540 --> 00:29:28,980 It was 1903 and it was a very popular science-ish film, 483 00:29:28,980 --> 00:29:33,780 but it outraged the cheese producers of the world. 484 00:29:33,780 --> 00:29:35,100 It's bacillus in cheese. 485 00:29:35,100 --> 00:29:36,660 It's cheese mites. 486 00:29:36,660 --> 00:29:40,620 It is little creatures that exist in cheese. 487 00:29:40,620 --> 00:29:44,420 So that's what cinema was like in 1903? 488 00:29:44,420 --> 00:29:49,380 Five hours of footage of cheese mites. 489 00:29:49,380 --> 00:29:53,100 Sounds pretty good. Amongst other things. 490 00:29:53,100 --> 00:29:57,740 I don't know what it did to the sales of cheese. Possibly it wouldn't have helped them. 491 00:29:57,740 --> 00:30:00,220 But it increased the sales of cheap microscopes. 492 00:30:00,220 --> 00:30:04,100 People became fascinated about the little things that go on. 493 00:30:04,100 --> 00:30:06,620 They could see their own little swimming...things... 494 00:30:06,620 --> 00:30:11,540 I remember a documentary that your father Eric Thompson narrated 495 00:30:11,540 --> 00:30:14,380 called something like The Life That Lives In Man. Yes. 496 00:30:14,380 --> 00:30:17,060 It was all about the tiny creatures that live... 497 00:30:17,060 --> 00:30:21,860 like billions and billions of things in our beds all the time even if you 498 00:30:21,860 --> 00:30:24,260 do turn your mattress every month. 499 00:30:24,260 --> 00:30:27,940 I don't think turning a mattress is going to kill the things... 500 00:30:27,940 --> 00:30:30,140 ALL TALK AT ONCE 501 00:30:32,860 --> 00:30:36,220 The Titanic of the insect world is coming. 502 00:30:36,220 --> 00:30:40,540 And in your eyelashes... We all have little creatures living in our eyelashes. 503 00:30:40,540 --> 00:30:43,980 There's one of those adverts that says there are more germs on your 504 00:30:43,980 --> 00:30:45,940 chopping board than on your loo seat. 505 00:30:45,940 --> 00:30:49,220 To which the answer is, clearly that's fine, then. 506 00:30:49,220 --> 00:30:52,700 We are not all dying or having diarrhoea... 507 00:30:52,700 --> 00:30:56,140 We are starting to die because we're cleaning them up too much. 508 00:30:56,140 --> 00:31:01,780 They are saying in the advert the very thing we are selling you is unnecessary. 509 00:31:01,780 --> 00:31:04,020 Exactly! Exactly... 510 00:31:04,020 --> 00:31:07,540 That's exactly... Exactly right, cos it's fine. 511 00:31:07,540 --> 00:31:11,740 The fact is there was a big excitement about this, except from cheese producers 512 00:31:11,740 --> 00:31:16,100 who tried to suppress the film because it showed that in cheese, which is an organic thing, 513 00:31:16,100 --> 00:31:20,260 it contains these special mites which live there and do you no harm at all. 514 00:31:20,260 --> 00:31:21,460 Cheese is a good thing. 515 00:31:21,460 --> 00:31:23,740 Who remembers Charlton Heston? 516 00:31:23,740 --> 00:31:28,740 How was Michelangelo lying when he painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel? 517 00:31:28,740 --> 00:31:31,180 INDIANA JONES THEME Yes? 518 00:31:31,180 --> 00:31:34,620 Didn't he not do it? He didn't do it. He lied about it. 519 00:31:34,620 --> 00:31:38,940 That is the sense of lying we wanted. He didn't lie down to do it, 520 00:31:38,940 --> 00:31:42,180 as he did in the Charlton Heston movie The Agony And The Ecstasy. 521 00:31:42,180 --> 00:31:44,700 Did he jump up and do a bit at a time? 522 00:31:50,020 --> 00:31:53,860 Yeah, he stood on the scaffolding and did it that way and cricked his neck. 523 00:31:53,860 --> 00:31:56,100 Vasari writes about it in his biography. 524 00:31:56,100 --> 00:32:00,620 There is apparently some extraordinary little secret joke 525 00:32:00,620 --> 00:32:04,020 that Michelangelo painted in the fabric behind God. 526 00:32:04,020 --> 00:32:07,540 There is God with a bit of sort of swaggy stuff behind him. 527 00:32:07,540 --> 00:32:12,140 That swaggy stuff, according to at least four professors, 528 00:32:12,140 --> 00:32:16,700 who are neuroscientists, neurosurgeons from four universities... 529 00:32:16,700 --> 00:32:18,700 They are absolutely convinced 530 00:32:18,700 --> 00:32:22,460 that that particular shape, do you know what it might be? 531 00:32:22,460 --> 00:32:23,540 JOHN: Female part? 532 00:32:23,540 --> 00:32:25,180 No, it's not a female part. 533 00:32:25,180 --> 00:32:29,500 For once in QI's life, we're not in the downstairs lady area. 534 00:32:29,500 --> 00:32:31,820 Is it a brain? Brain! 535 00:32:31,820 --> 00:32:35,100 It's the transfer section of the sagittal area of the brain. 536 00:32:35,100 --> 00:32:39,420 What it argues is that he was present at some dissections that were very popular, 537 00:32:39,420 --> 00:32:41,220 but completely illegal 538 00:32:41,220 --> 00:32:44,300 in Italy at this time. 539 00:32:44,300 --> 00:32:49,140 And the suggestion is that his idea of God, one of God's greatest miracles was the human brain 540 00:32:49,140 --> 00:32:52,340 which he had seen sliced through and so he has got, literally, 541 00:32:52,340 --> 00:32:56,540 if you take away the brain from that superimposition... 542 00:32:56,540 --> 00:33:01,180 Seems to be a bit of brain. There's a museum in Oregon, which is dedicated to 543 00:33:01,180 --> 00:33:05,060 replications of the brain made of fabrics. It's an odd kind of museum. 544 00:33:05,060 --> 00:33:07,780 We can actually show you a perfect brain with brain stem 545 00:33:07,780 --> 00:33:12,020 made by some American knitting person. There you are. LAUGHTER 546 00:33:12,020 --> 00:33:14,620 Yeah. Including brain stem, which is impressive. 547 00:33:14,620 --> 00:33:19,900 Are you sure that's just not the most unsuccessful attempt at a cardigan ever? 548 00:33:19,900 --> 00:33:21,660 LAUGHTER 549 00:33:21,660 --> 00:33:27,460 It's something of a disaster. "No, it's meant to. It's a brain." Some mad granny. 550 00:33:27,460 --> 00:33:32,420 It actually, genuinely, has a po-faced warning on the website showing it, 551 00:33:32,420 --> 00:33:36,980 saying it's a perfect reproduction of the brain using applique, embroidery, knitting 552 00:33:36,980 --> 00:33:40,500 and crochet. "While our artists make every effort to ensure accuracy 553 00:33:40,500 --> 00:33:45,420 "we can't accept responsibility for the consequences of using fabric brain art 554 00:33:45,420 --> 00:33:48,620 "as a guide for functional magnetic resonance imaging." 555 00:33:48,620 --> 00:33:50,540 LAUGHTER 556 00:33:50,540 --> 00:33:52,820 Or indeed, home-based surgery. 557 00:33:53,940 --> 00:33:59,340 Either you've got a tumour or they've dropped a stitch. LAUGHTER 558 00:33:59,340 --> 00:34:02,940 Michelangelo may have been lying about his illegal dissecting activities. 559 00:34:02,940 --> 00:34:06,140 Why he'd risk painting a huge piece of incriminating evidence 560 00:34:06,140 --> 00:34:09,140 on the ceiling of the Pope's chapel is anybody's guess. 561 00:34:09,140 --> 00:34:14,420 Which brings us blinking out of the darkened theatre and into the blinding light of General Ignorance. 562 00:34:14,420 --> 00:34:16,140 Fingers on buzzers, please. 563 00:34:16,140 --> 00:34:19,980 What happens to a hedgehog if you remove its fleas? 564 00:34:19,980 --> 00:34:22,780 PEARL AND DEAN JINGLE PLAYS David? It dies. 565 00:34:22,780 --> 00:34:24,700 KLAXON BLARES 566 00:34:24,700 --> 00:34:27,500 David! Davidy-wavedy-woo! 567 00:34:27,500 --> 00:34:31,340 No, there is a myth to this effect, but it's not true at all. 568 00:34:31,340 --> 00:34:36,700 It's perfectly possible if you covered it with anti-dog flea powder it would die from the powder, 569 00:34:36,700 --> 00:34:39,140 but not from the lack of fleas. 570 00:34:39,140 --> 00:34:42,900 They're very happy with their fleas. It doesn't kill them, with or without. 571 00:34:42,900 --> 00:34:45,060 What mustn't you feed hedgehogs? 572 00:34:45,060 --> 00:34:49,780 Bread and milk. Exactly. People do it and it gives them diarrhoea and they dry out. 573 00:34:49,780 --> 00:34:54,420 You shouldn't really feed bread and milk to any mammal, including humans. 574 00:34:54,420 --> 00:34:57,020 There is a Radio 4 show... Oh, come off it! 575 00:34:57,020 --> 00:35:00,380 You shouldn't feed humans bread and milk. Not really. What do you mean, 576 00:35:00,380 --> 00:35:03,700 "Not really?" It's absolutely, demonstrably fine. 577 00:35:03,700 --> 00:35:05,860 No, it's not very good for you. It's fine! 578 00:35:05,860 --> 00:35:10,860 We've been drinking milk and eating bread for ages, why is it suddenly a massive problem?! 579 00:35:10,860 --> 00:35:13,460 "We're actually supposed to live till we're 250 580 00:35:13,460 --> 00:35:19,460 "but we've been eating all this poisonous bread and milk all the time and can barely limp past 98." 581 00:35:19,460 --> 00:35:22,660 LAUGHTER It's just ridiculous! 582 00:35:22,660 --> 00:35:26,740 Of course we're supposed to eat bread and milk. Not JUST bread and milk. 583 00:35:26,740 --> 00:35:30,460 Poor Alan, don't bully him. Poor Alan. 584 00:35:30,460 --> 00:35:33,180 You shake hands and be friends. Sorry, Alan. 585 00:35:33,180 --> 00:35:38,500 Despite what you may have heard on Radio 4's programme... Oh, yes! 586 00:35:38,500 --> 00:35:43,060 ..presented by David Mitchell. What's your programme called? The Unbelievable Truth. 587 00:35:43,060 --> 00:35:48,020 One of the unbelievable truths turns out to, unbelievably, to be not true. You claimed... 588 00:35:48,020 --> 00:35:50,460 People give you this shit and you read it out. 589 00:35:50,460 --> 00:35:53,940 Brilliant! I've no idea what you mean(!) 590 00:35:53,940 --> 00:35:56,140 LAUGHTER 591 00:35:56,140 --> 00:36:01,340 Anyway, we are very happy to put you right on your otherwise excellent programme. 592 00:36:01,340 --> 00:36:03,700 Hedgehogs don't mind if they have fleas or not, 593 00:36:03,700 --> 00:36:09,140 although they wouldn't be happy if you poisoned them with flea powder. Shakespeare mentions football twice. 594 00:36:09,140 --> 00:36:14,260 How often does he mention the cricket? He doesn't mention cricket cos it didn't exist then. 595 00:36:14,260 --> 00:36:16,980 KLAXON BLARES Oh... 596 00:36:16,980 --> 00:36:21,260 Cricket certainly existed in the 16th century. Oh, right. 597 00:36:21,260 --> 00:36:26,660 In 1550, there's a mention of cricket and that's before... Are you sure that's not the small insect? 598 00:36:26,660 --> 00:36:29,900 Three times he mentions the insect, you're right. 599 00:36:29,900 --> 00:36:32,420 But not the game. He never mentions the game, to be honest. 600 00:36:32,420 --> 00:36:37,220 To be honest, that "Never" I said was right... LAUGHTER 601 00:36:37,220 --> 00:36:41,060 You asserted on the 26th May, Mr Mitchell 602 00:36:41,060 --> 00:36:44,820 that the game of cricket didn't exist in Shakespeare's time. It did 603 00:36:44,820 --> 00:36:49,020 although he doesn't mention it. So is this whole round...? LAUGHTER 604 00:36:49,020 --> 00:36:52,860 Cos radio shows don't have the same budget, you know...? 605 00:36:52,860 --> 00:36:56,500 If you want to kill off the medium then that's fine, but it brings 606 00:36:56,500 --> 00:36:58,420 a lot of people a lot of pleasure. 607 00:36:58,420 --> 00:37:02,580 Shakespeare mentions the cricket three times though he was, of course, 608 00:37:02,580 --> 00:37:05,220 referring to the insect. But the game did exist in his day 609 00:37:05,220 --> 00:37:07,940 despite what you may have heard on The Unbelievable Truth, 610 00:37:07,940 --> 00:37:11,020 the EXCELLENT Radio 4 programme... It is excellent. 611 00:37:11,020 --> 00:37:14,180 ..which I'd urge you to listen to. What hair do head lice prefer? 612 00:37:14,180 --> 00:37:16,060 INDIANA JONES THEME PLAYS Yes? 613 00:37:16,060 --> 00:37:17,460 Clean hair. 614 00:37:17,460 --> 00:37:20,100 Clean hair. You say "clean hair"? KLAXON BLARES 615 00:37:21,540 --> 00:37:24,340 No, you see, people thought it was dirty hair. 616 00:37:24,340 --> 00:37:27,540 This was repudiated and replaced by another fallacy 617 00:37:27,540 --> 00:37:30,980 that it was clean hair. Any hair will do to a louse, they don't mind. 618 00:37:30,980 --> 00:37:35,740 As long as there's an adequate blood supply, there's no preference for clean or dirty. 619 00:37:35,740 --> 00:37:40,420 The hair of a living person. You have to be alive and have hair. Eurgh. 620 00:37:40,420 --> 00:37:44,220 What are nits? I thought they were the same thing, a slang term for them. 621 00:37:44,220 --> 00:37:47,820 No, nits are the egg cases and they stay on and you can't get rid of them. 622 00:37:47,820 --> 00:37:51,100 They stay on sometimes for weeks after the actual louse has escaped. 623 00:37:51,100 --> 00:37:53,380 Now, how does a flu jab work? 624 00:37:55,060 --> 00:37:59,060 It gives you...a minor version of the illness. 625 00:37:59,060 --> 00:38:01,180 KLAXON BLARES Ooh, no! 626 00:38:01,180 --> 00:38:03,780 That's the point. It doesn't give you a mild case of flu. 627 00:38:03,780 --> 00:38:06,260 Oddly enough it's not that kind of a vaccine. 628 00:38:06,260 --> 00:38:09,820 Most people think it is and they often think they've been given flu 629 00:38:09,820 --> 00:38:15,060 by the jab because it might happen that they get the jab around the time flu's arriving in the country, 630 00:38:15,060 --> 00:38:18,860 and it's perfectly possible to get real flu and you assume 631 00:38:18,860 --> 00:38:22,580 it's the jab that's given it to you. It's an inert, inactive virus 632 00:38:22,580 --> 00:38:26,260 so you have no flu. It doesn't give you flu. But even though it's inert, 633 00:38:26,260 --> 00:38:29,900 your body's... It's still enough to get your antibodies prepared for it 634 00:38:29,900 --> 00:38:32,860 but only for that particular strain. Anyway, 635 00:38:32,860 --> 00:38:36,260 what's the most depressing day of the week? 636 00:38:36,260 --> 00:38:37,620 In research? 637 00:38:37,620 --> 00:38:40,460 Oh... Yes? Monday...? KLAXON BLARES 638 00:38:40,460 --> 00:38:46,260 Ooh! I knew it! Oh, I'm sorry, no. Sort of obvious. Oddly enough, 639 00:38:46,260 --> 00:38:49,900 if you ask people which they think is the most depressing day of the week, 640 00:38:49,900 --> 00:38:55,660 they will say Monday, but if you then ask even the same people, 641 00:38:55,660 --> 00:38:59,340 over a long period of time and a lot of them, on each separate day, 642 00:38:59,340 --> 00:39:04,740 are they more depressed today or yesterday, it overwhelmingly is...? Tuesday. 643 00:39:04,740 --> 00:39:06,300 No. Oddly enough, Wednesday. 644 00:39:06,300 --> 00:39:10,420 You could argue it's because... In fact, there's a French joke, 645 00:39:10,420 --> 00:39:14,340 why should you never arrange a meeting with an Englishman on a Wednesday? 646 00:39:14,340 --> 00:39:18,540 Because you'll screw up TWO weekends of his. 647 00:39:18,540 --> 00:39:20,460 Cos they think of us as very lazy... 648 00:39:20,460 --> 00:39:23,420 Do they?! Do they?! Yes, how dare they(!) 649 00:39:23,420 --> 00:39:28,060 You know, I know, obviously, we're always keen to slag each other off as countries, 650 00:39:28,060 --> 00:39:30,820 but... Lazy's odd. Lazy? I don't think we are, 651 00:39:30,820 --> 00:39:35,580 and we don't think THEY'RE lazy. No, not particularly. They're, sort of, cowardly, 652 00:39:35,580 --> 00:39:37,740 idiotic and... LAUGHTER 653 00:39:37,740 --> 00:39:42,100 ..and riddled with, er... Cheese-eating. Diseases. ..venereal diseases. 654 00:39:42,100 --> 00:39:44,340 LAUGHTER And finally, 655 00:39:44,340 --> 00:39:50,580 bringing us back to film, which popular film, made by the British multinational Innovia Films Ltd, 656 00:39:50,580 --> 00:39:54,740 made more than £360 million this year, and made about as much they year before as well? 657 00:39:54,740 --> 00:39:58,900 Oh... A film? Yup. A FILM film? Made by the Innovia film company. 658 00:39:58,900 --> 00:40:01,500 I've seen it. In fact, you've seen it. 659 00:40:01,500 --> 00:40:06,060 it's not, like, some teach-the-Chinese-English thing? No, no, no. No. Here it is. 660 00:40:07,060 --> 00:40:09,460 Cellophane! Cellophane. AUDIENCE: Ah! 661 00:40:09,460 --> 00:40:12,500 It's British film. That is... 662 00:40:12,500 --> 00:40:15,460 the most successful ever British film? Yeah. 663 00:40:15,460 --> 00:40:18,220 Yeah. Apart from Nanny McPhee, obviously. 664 00:40:18,220 --> 00:40:21,740 I... I have got a question... Yeah? 665 00:40:21,740 --> 00:40:23,420 You know the word, "luvvie"? 666 00:40:23,420 --> 00:40:26,700 Yeah... What do you all feel about it? 667 00:40:26,700 --> 00:40:29,060 I don't get as upset as some actors do. Some say, 668 00:40:29,060 --> 00:40:31,140 "We do a bloody hard job, at work." Yeah. 669 00:40:31,140 --> 00:40:34,900 "We're serious people. We.. You know, it's a coalface, doing a play." 670 00:40:34,900 --> 00:40:39,780 LAUGHTER Mm. "How dare they call us luvvies!" I mean, that's a bit overdone. 671 00:40:39,780 --> 00:40:44,540 But it is a bit tedious when the Daily Mails says, "Luvvie couple..." X, Y and Z, or something. 672 00:40:44,540 --> 00:40:48,980 Well, you get it as well... Do you know what the first citation of it is in the OED? No. 673 00:40:48,980 --> 00:40:51,580 It's you. LAUGHTER, STEPHEN GASPS 674 00:40:51,580 --> 00:40:56,020 No! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 675 00:40:59,380 --> 00:41:04,740 I can't believe... Did I invent the word? Yeah, it was you, at some time in the 1980s. 676 00:41:04,740 --> 00:41:08,540 Did I? I'm ashamed... LAUGHTER 677 00:41:08,540 --> 00:41:10,860 On that bombshell, ladies and gentlemen, 678 00:41:10,860 --> 00:41:15,500 the time has come to tot up the box office takings for this evening and see... 679 00:41:15,500 --> 00:41:18,740 Oh, my word, it's absolutely fascinating! 680 00:41:18,740 --> 00:41:23,220 This week's blockbuster, this week's winner, ladies and gentlemen, 681 00:41:23,220 --> 00:41:24,300 with plus 4 points 682 00:41:24,300 --> 00:41:26,420 is Alan Davies! 683 00:41:26,420 --> 00:41:29,140 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 684 00:41:29,140 --> 00:41:30,620 How about that? 685 00:41:30,620 --> 00:41:32,100 Oh! 686 00:41:32,100 --> 00:41:34,140 Can you believe it? 687 00:41:34,140 --> 00:41:39,980 In second place, a modest success on the art-house circuit, John Sessions with 1! 688 00:41:39,980 --> 00:41:43,060 APPLAUSE 689 00:41:43,060 --> 00:41:46,300 Garnering a few points at a festival you've never heard of, 690 00:41:46,300 --> 00:41:48,820 but a creditable first appearance, minus 10, 691 00:41:48,820 --> 00:41:50,740 Emma Thompson! Minus 10?! 692 00:41:50,740 --> 00:41:52,660 APPLAUSE 693 00:41:52,660 --> 00:41:56,300 And, er...I'm afraid, going straight to video with minus 15, 694 00:41:56,300 --> 00:41:58,380 David Mitchell! 695 00:41:58,380 --> 00:42:00,620 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 696 00:42:04,820 --> 00:42:09,100 And so it's goodnight from Emma, John, David, Alan and me. 697 00:42:09,100 --> 00:42:14,060 And huge thanks to our mothers and agents and everybody who believed in us and made it possible. 698 00:42:14,060 --> 00:42:16,300 You're all wonderful. You're all family. 699 00:42:16,300 --> 00:42:20,100 And I leave you with this account of a successful family publicity stunt. 700 00:42:20,100 --> 00:42:25,100 The great American showman, PT Barnum, created an exhibit entitled The Happy Family - 701 00:42:25,100 --> 00:42:28,700 which consisted of a cage containing a lion, a tiger, a panther 702 00:42:28,700 --> 00:42:31,500 and a baby lamb - which was extremely successful. 703 00:42:31,500 --> 00:42:33,420 And one day he was asked about his plans 704 00:42:33,420 --> 00:42:36,900 for The Happy Family which had toured everywhere. 705 00:42:36,900 --> 00:42:39,860 "The display will become a permanent feature," he said, 706 00:42:39,860 --> 00:42:41,660 "if the supply of lambs holds out." 707 00:42:41,660 --> 00:42:42,700 Goodnight. 708 00:42:42,700 --> 00:42:45,340 APPLAUSE 709 00:42:55,900 --> 00:42:58,940 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd. 710 00:42:58,940 --> 00:43:01,980 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net