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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
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Well, hello, hello, hello, hello,
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and welcome to QI,
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where this week our food for thought
is food.
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Surfing on a smorgasbord
of succulence ce soir
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is our delicious panel.
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The rarest of truffles,
David Mitchell!
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APPLAUSE
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The choicest of cuts, Rich Hall!
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APPLAUSE
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The strangest of fruit, Jimmy Carr!
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APPLAUSE
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And something furry that's fallen
down the gap between the oven
and the dishwasher, Alan Davies!
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APPLAUSE
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We're sitting comfortably. Let's
ring for service. David goes...
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TINKLING BELL
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Jimmy goes...
REVERBERATING GONG
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Rich goes...
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CHURCH BELL TOLLS
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Alan goes...
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TICKING...
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ALARM BELL...
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EXPLOSION
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Right,
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before we tuck in, I've had a tongue
down your... I've put a tongue...
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You will find a tongue.
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I've put a tongue.
Is there a tongue under there?
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Is this what you were referring to?
Yes!
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That is what's known as
a tongue map.
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During the course of this evening's
festivities,
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I'd like you to fill in the areas
of the tongue that are responsible
for which flavours.
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There's a certain number of flavours
that the tongue can detect.
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So each area is a different area
of taste?
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So if you had that bit
of your tongue lopped off,
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you wouldn't be able to taste
certain stuff?
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That's the theory of a tongue map.
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But there are only five things
that a tongue can detect.
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How does the food know where to go?
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While you're thinking about that,
let's have a question.
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What kind of animal
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can you eat without killing it?
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CHURCH BELL
Rich?
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Crabs, unintentionally.
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In the south, in the deep south
in the Bayou,
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the Bayou or the Bayou,
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yeah, uh-huh, yeah.
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The freshwater mussels, they pick
them out of the water with tiny
pink crabs on 'em
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and they're considered a delicacy.
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They're alive when you swallow 'em.
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These are things you can eat fully,
but you don't kill the animal.
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Something that comes through like
sweetcorn, except it's still
running around?
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Is that what you're saying?
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No! Comes out unharmed.
I'm not saying it passes through
the digestive system, no.
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But it stays in you and sets up
a community. Is it what they put
in Yakult?
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Yes! They witter on about that.
Bifidus digestivum.
L-casei immunitas.
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David, you know these things.
I'm impressed.
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I spend a lot of time watching TV.
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Listening to the new made-up science
is entertaining!
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I love it when they go, "Do you want
to buy a tiny pot of off milk?"
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"Yes!" It's such a good deal.
"Just try it for nine weeks.
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"If you don't feel better, give up,
cos if everyone tries it for nine
weeks, we're in the money."
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Do ladies sit around discussing
bloating a lot?
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It happens in the adverts.
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If there are ladies watching this,
and talking about bloating,
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have they tried farting
like a docker?
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Cos it works remarkably well for me!
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Try to get someone to pull their
finger. Lady bloating is different,
I believe.
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They bloat differently?
I believe so.
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They also talk increasingly on TV
about being constipated.
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That's... The standard of female
conversation is plummeting!
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That's true! What happened to the
little ladies who were so refined?
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Anyway, in a sense, you're probably
right about bacteria
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which would possibly pass through
and not be killed.
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But this is actually a delicacy. I'm
inclined to give the point to Rich
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because he's accidentally right...
As usual! ..and wrong as well.
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That's the story of my life!
It's one of the most popular foods,
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almost the national dish,
of Florida. Tapeworm!
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Not tapeworm, no.
That is a candidate for the answer.
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Didn't that used to be a dieting
thing? Yes. People went,
"Diet and exercise, BLEEP that..."
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They'd take a tapeworm pill.
It would eat things. That must work.
Why don't we do that. It works well.
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There's the awkward moment when
the tapeworm gets a bit large.
The time has come to remove...
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10 yards of worm. Tie a string
to it. You have to tempt it out
with a little salty drink...
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Tempt it with salty drink?
This sounds brilliant.
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That's how they dealt with tapeworm.
One end or another you tempt it out
with food...
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I know which end I'd prefer.
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Yes. Which end would you...?
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LAUGHTER
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I'm just saying. You'd rather pull it
out your mouth than your arse?
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I think I'd go arse
rather than mouth with tapeworm.
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I think I'd have to have experienced
a giant worm coming out
of both orifices
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before I'd decide
which was the least unpleasant.
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Tell you what...
It turns out that's a question
I don't want to know the answer to.
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Tempt it up, like that, a bit,
get it up there, get its head out,
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if you don't like it, take the thing
away, put it down the other end,
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it'll do a bit of a U-ey and...
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Which could be agony.
Yeah, could be agony.
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A tapeworm turning round inside you.
Oh! Does it reverse into the
appendix and turn round or...?
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They don't move anyway.
They just sit with their mouths open.
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And they clamp themselves onto...
The wall of your tummy.
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They hang on. When you tempt them
out at the end of your preference,
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don't you roll it around
a biro or something?
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You know a lot about this,
for a man that's never tried it
from either end.
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It's obligatory to tie it round
a biro. You don't HAVE to. Have you
heard somewhere if you didn't...?
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What I heard is you tempt out its
head or whatever, one end comes out,
then you roll it round something.
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There must be nothing more depressing
than to hear a tapeworm snap.
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GROANS
"Well, that's stuck down there now."
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You're thinking of the guinea worm,
which is the one
you pull out with a biro.
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Is it some sort of shellfish/seafood
item? Crawfish... No, it's what...
Crab. It's a crab.
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It's a particular kind of crab.
Hermit crab?
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It's a stone crab. Right.
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Stone crab tours are very popular.
There is a stone crab.
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The fishermen catch the crab,
they snap off the claws,
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and throw the crab back in
and it takes a year for its claws
to grow back.
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It's considered a great delicacy,
served with butter and mustard
sauce, very popular
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in restaurants in America,
but particularly in Florida.
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What does it do for a year, armless,
wandering about?
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I mean...
He keeps himself to himself.
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The crab is dismayed when it loses
its claws. "Now I can't get
any work done!
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"All that stuff. I'm trying
to rearrange the sea-bed
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"and it'll be a year
before I can do anything!
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"I'll just have to lay up."
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It's almost like they're
fruit-bearing animals.
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That's pretty similar to that.
Exactly.
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An apple tree has its apples taken
off and next year it grows
more apples.
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So maybe they're trees.
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Just seafoody trees
that can walk around.
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You could have given me as an answer
as well, there are certain tribesmen
in the Masai Mara in Kenya
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who will drink the blood of cattle,
not kill them,
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but slit the throat, drink the blood
and mix it with milk, actually.
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Then they bind up the wound
so they don't kill the cow.
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But that practice is dying out.
So they think cattle have
two drinks.
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You can have one or the other
or a mixture of the two. Fantastic.
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These two-drink animals! Anyway,
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stone crabs it is. They're returned
to the sea alive and their claws
have been taken off.
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They grow another though it's never
as good as the first one.
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Now, what can you usefully teach
an oyster?
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TINKLING BELL
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Yes? Is it not to get its hopes up?
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Aw! Is it to expect lemon juice
and death?
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"Don't put up a struggle.
It'll never work."
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Teach it, "When you get lemons,
make lemonade." Cheer it on.
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"When you get lemons,
you're seconds away from death.
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"Cos you're not like
that kind of crab."
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When you think about it, there's
not much an oyster can do.
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Teach it to blend into parties and
make it look like it was invited.
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True. Cos if you go to a party
and there's a snack tray,
no-one ever says,
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"Who invited the oysters?"
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True. No-one says that.
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Teach them to do impressions.
They do a good one of a whelk.
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They do. Teach it rudimentary
percussion.
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If you showed it a castanet,
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it would probably think,
"I can do that."
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You're very close.
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What it is is that out of the water,
oysters will stay fresh so long
as they're closed.
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But they live their lives opening
and closing their shells
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to let nutrients in
which they filter.
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So the thing is to teach them
to keep their mouths closed
for long periods of time.
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You do that?
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Well, the French did.
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The French simply hit them with
metal rods which makes them close.
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They'd do that for longer
and longer and they'd learn
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cos they know they'll get hit
all the time.
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The French have a gift for cruelty!
They do, don't they?
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But what happened in New York,
when the settlers first arrived
in what is now New York,
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there was a profusion of oysters,
some a foot long.
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But they couldn't transport them
across the States
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because they'd go off
cos they had their things open.
There was no ice around.
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So they would move them up the bank
at each tide
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so they had more and more time in
the air and that would teach them
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to have their mouths closed
for longer. So they'd learn
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to have their mouths closed
for longer and longer
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until they were closed long enough
to sell them without making
people ill.
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There we are. That's your oyster.
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Now, how did the Mounties use
fruit machines to get their man?
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When you say fruit machines, is this
a friend of yours? I'm sorry?
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Fruit machine!
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That guy's a fruit machine!
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You're right in a sense.
The fruit machine was a nickname,
it wasn't a one-armed bandit.
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It'll be something to do
with actual fruit.
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00:11:36,100 --> 00:11:38,740
No, it is actually the meaning of it
that Jimmy,
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in his rapacious and, if I may say,
politically wildly incorrect way,
went for.
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Sorry. Well, the Mountie uniform
is quite..."fruity".
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00:11:48,940 --> 00:11:53,180
No. It's easy to forget the
Mounties are the Canadian police,
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00:11:53,180 --> 00:11:55,500
the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
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That's all of them, there. So they
have no unmounted police? Well...
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I don't know... It must be difficult
on raids of small flats.
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"Ow! My head!"
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You should see the squad cars!
They're a mess, David. A mess.
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Imagine trying to chase a heroin
addict up a small staircase
on a horse!
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00:12:15,660 --> 00:12:20,580
Ridiculous. The heroin addicts
would know to head for
the small staircase!
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00:12:20,580 --> 00:12:23,900
JIMMY: Like trying to police
a country with Daleks!
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It would never work.
With the disabled access,
the Daleks can get everywhere.
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00:12:30,100 --> 00:12:36,700
Jimmy, are you saying that you think
disabled access is
a Dalek conspiracy?
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00:12:38,700 --> 00:12:43,180
Yes, that is exactly
what I'm saying!
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00:12:44,340 --> 00:12:47,700
I had a great uncle in the
Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
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When you say a great uncle,
your favourite?
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00:12:50,420 --> 00:12:57,620
No, I did one of these family tree
things... Oh, yeah. He was
in WWI and had his leg blown off.
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00:12:57,620 --> 00:13:04,700
Oh. He went to live in Canada and
became the chief constable of the
Vancouver Canadian Mounted Police.
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00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:09,140
How amazing. I don't know
if they were struggling for men.
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One advantage of being a mounted
policeman, you don't need two legs.
The horse has four to do it for you.
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Essentially,
their whole police force
has too many legs to start with.
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00:13:21,420 --> 00:13:26,260
Essentially, they've got six legs
per policeman, which means
they're policed by insects.
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LAUGHTER
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That's just so silly, David, um...
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No, we come back
to this fruit machine.
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In the Cold War period,
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00:13:37,500 --> 00:13:41,020
they were worried in a lot
of Western countries
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about civil servants.
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00:13:42,820 --> 00:13:47,220
There'd been scandals about
civil servants being blackmailed.
For what reason?
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00:13:47,220 --> 00:13:50,420
Homosexuality. For being homosexual,
being gay.
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00:13:50,420 --> 00:13:56,740
Now, the Royal Canadian Mounted
Police were trying to find out the
homosexuals in the civil service.
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So that they could not be
honey-trapped by Soviet spies.
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00:14:01,300 --> 00:14:03,740
That was the theory, anyway.
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00:14:03,740 --> 00:14:08,060
So is one of these gay? Never Mind
The Buzzcocks. Number three!
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00:14:10,260 --> 00:14:14,060
Was this before the RAF
invented "Gaydar"? Yes!
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00:14:14,060 --> 00:14:17,060
Exactly! It was a "Gaydar" machine,
if you like,
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00:14:17,060 --> 00:14:23,260
a pretty primitive device which,
among other things, showed people
pictures of nude men and women
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00:14:23,260 --> 00:14:26,740
and measured their pupil dilation
and their perspiration.
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But the awful thing is,
if they "failed",
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00:14:29,420 --> 00:14:32,420
they were sacked.
That was their job over with.
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00:14:32,420 --> 00:14:36,260
They were deemed to be homosexual
and they were out of a job.
222
00:14:36,260 --> 00:14:40,420
The system was thrown out by
any civil servants who fancy horses!
223
00:14:40,420 --> 00:14:44,380
Or even running the test,
riding round the room, saying,
224
00:14:44,380 --> 00:14:47,900
"I can't reach down to the fruit
machine. Damn these horses!"
225
00:14:47,900 --> 00:14:53,300
This crude measurement device was
replaced, though, by something
called... Dancing On Ice!
226
00:14:57,420 --> 00:15:00,940
"Do you like "Dancing On Ice"?
Is this a trick question?
227
00:15:00,940 --> 00:15:03,340
"Yes, I do." "You're out."
228
00:15:03,340 --> 00:15:06,260
You answer, "It's to die for!"
229
00:15:07,380 --> 00:15:09,900
It's a plethysmograph.
230
00:15:09,900 --> 00:15:14,740
A plethysmograph is an instrument -
there's a male version
and a female version
231
00:15:14,740 --> 00:15:17,780
because they want to catch lesbians
as well -
232
00:15:17,780 --> 00:15:20,980
so the male version
is basically a cock ring
233
00:15:20,980 --> 00:15:25,700
that measures the tumescence
of the male member
when certain images are played
234
00:15:25,700 --> 00:15:29,820
and for women it's a sort of dildo
that measures lubrication.
235
00:15:29,820 --> 00:15:33,060
I wouldn't mind doing that! What?!
236
00:15:33,060 --> 00:15:35,020
I just...
237
00:15:35,020 --> 00:15:37,340
Jimmy, so much is coming out here.
238
00:15:37,340 --> 00:15:40,180
Just saying, the testing...
You'd like to do that?
239
00:15:40,180 --> 00:15:44,020
Who got the testing job? That
sounds brilliant! Oh, doesn't it?
240
00:15:44,020 --> 00:15:45,780
Lovely(!)
241
00:15:45,780 --> 00:15:47,580
Well, I'm just saying.
242
00:15:47,580 --> 00:15:49,420
It'd be a giggle. When was this?
243
00:15:49,420 --> 00:15:52,420
When did they invent that?
Surprisingly recently.
244
00:15:52,420 --> 00:15:55,140
It was used up until the '80s.
245
00:15:55,140 --> 00:15:58,380
'80s?! Surely it was legal
and above-board in the 1980s?
246
00:15:58,380 --> 00:16:02,300
Exactly. It's odd.
It's weird that they'd go,
"We'll double-check."
247
00:16:02,300 --> 00:16:07,580
The odd thing about the fruit
machine was the guy who brought it
to Canada, Kurt Freund,
248
00:16:07,580 --> 00:16:13,220
had actually invented it in order
to do the precise opposite.
249
00:16:13,220 --> 00:16:16,140
It was to catch out people
who claimed they were gay
250
00:16:16,140 --> 00:16:19,380
to use it as exemption for serving
in the Czech army.
251
00:16:19,380 --> 00:16:22,900
Now, you have a choice of venues
for dinner tonight.
252
00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:24,540
Russia or France.
253
00:16:24,540 --> 00:16:29,100
Describe the difference between
Russian and French service.
254
00:16:29,100 --> 00:16:30,980
BELL TOLLS
255
00:16:30,980 --> 00:16:36,340
In France they give you lots of
vaguely obstetric instruments
256
00:16:36,340 --> 00:16:41,300
to dismantle things like
frogs' legs and snails.
257
00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:45,340
Special cutlery. All the stuff you'd
have your back yard fumigated for.
258
00:16:45,340 --> 00:16:49,060
And in Russia, they just go,
"Here's a turnip."
259
00:16:50,180 --> 00:16:53,100
"If you don't like it,
you're going to Siberia."
260
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:56,380
Do you know what the Russian
national dish is? No? Empty.
261
00:16:59,300 --> 00:17:01,340
It's not my fault!
262
00:17:02,860 --> 00:17:05,380
I think I know the answer to this.
Go on?
263
00:17:05,380 --> 00:17:09,180
Almost all service now is what
you'd call Russian service.
264
00:17:09,180 --> 00:17:12,380
Which means you have food
in courses, one after another.
265
00:17:12,380 --> 00:17:17,940
And French service, obviously
the French have food in courses
like everyone,
266
00:17:17,940 --> 00:17:22,100
like the Russians, but French
service was everything
coming at once.
267
00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:25,780
Like a kind of buffet. That is
an absolutely perfect answer.
268
00:17:25,780 --> 00:17:28,660
David Mitchell, have a handful
of points.
269
00:17:31,740 --> 00:17:38,180
And of course there's the tapas
principle in lots of Middle-Eastern
and Mediterranean cooking.
270
00:17:38,180 --> 00:17:40,820
But the French, right up until
the 19th century
271
00:17:40,820 --> 00:17:45,060
all the courses would come in one
big go. You'd help yourself
to everything.
272
00:17:45,060 --> 00:17:49,380
And then the Russian ambassador
to Napoleon's court
273
00:17:49,380 --> 00:17:52,620
came and said, "We've had this
brilliant idea in Russia.
274
00:17:52,620 --> 00:17:55,620
"Let's eat one course
and then another."
275
00:17:55,620 --> 00:17:59,460
This was considered absolutely
staggering and revolutionary,
276
00:17:59,460 --> 00:18:01,860
and it caught on.
277
00:18:01,860 --> 00:18:06,500
Then the Americans improved on it
by making it able for you
to drive through in a car!
278
00:18:06,500 --> 00:18:10,820
And get it in a bag
from a 16-year-old...
279
00:18:10,820 --> 00:18:13,540
They did indeed. ..with shingles!
280
00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:20,020
David, I have to call you
my teacher's pet
281
00:18:20,020 --> 00:18:23,860
and you get a special fanfare
instead of a forfeit. Brilliant.
282
00:18:23,860 --> 00:18:26,140
FANFARE
Teacher's Pet.
283
00:18:26,140 --> 00:18:28,980
I don't feel that cool!
284
00:18:31,340 --> 00:18:34,060
It's not a cool thing to be,
but you do get points.
285
00:18:34,060 --> 00:18:36,460
For some people, that's important.
286
00:18:36,460 --> 00:18:39,980
Escoffier was the man who introduced
this into private homes
287
00:18:39,980 --> 00:18:44,300
and more importantly, restaurants.
What do you know about him?
Ask David!
288
00:18:46,580 --> 00:18:51,020
He started frogs' legs. Right.
I know that cos I heard it
on David's radio show.
289
00:18:51,020 --> 00:18:52,540
Oh, you...
290
00:18:52,540 --> 00:18:56,100
I should at this point say
in the QI annual,
291
00:18:56,100 --> 00:18:58,460
I did a page on Escoffier.
292
00:18:58,460 --> 00:19:02,500
So I'm quite well, um... This could
be a good bit! First name?
293
00:19:02,500 --> 00:19:05,860
Auguste. Brilliant.
294
00:19:05,860 --> 00:19:07,580
Um, and he... Died in?
295
00:19:07,580 --> 00:19:10,100
I don't know! A terrible house fire!
296
00:19:10,100 --> 00:19:12,260
19...
297
00:19:12,260 --> 00:19:17,620
He died in 1935. He lived a long
time. 62 years he was a chef.
298
00:19:17,620 --> 00:19:23,180
He founded the Ritz in Paris and the
Carlton in London and was the chef
at the Savoy. Brilliant.
299
00:19:23,180 --> 00:19:28,900
What's his most famous dish?
He invented Peach Melba
for Dame Nellie Melba.
300
00:19:28,900 --> 00:19:33,380
Dame Nellie Melba. Also apparently
invented Melba toast for her
as well
301
00:19:33,380 --> 00:19:35,980
cos she was dieting
in between Peach Melbas!
302
00:19:36,980 --> 00:19:39,900
And who was Nellie Melba?
She was an opera singer.
303
00:19:39,900 --> 00:19:43,100
And what was her real name?
Mitchell. Yes! Very good!
304
00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:46,660
I think... I'm so impressed.
..her father was David Mitchell.
305
00:19:46,660 --> 00:19:49,420
Get out! Do you know...
Do you know...
306
00:19:49,420 --> 00:19:52,620
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
307
00:19:54,740 --> 00:19:59,700
I am truly impressed. It's not
a set-up. You are tumescent!
I know you are!
308
00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:02,500
Where's the fruit machine now?
309
00:20:03,740 --> 00:20:06,500
Talking about... Nude facts! Oh!
310
00:20:10,100 --> 00:20:12,460
There's a fact about
Dame Nellie Melba.
311
00:20:12,460 --> 00:20:19,460
Do you know what she'd like to do
when she was waiting to go on? What
was her profession? Opera singer.
312
00:20:19,460 --> 00:20:23,140
A great opera singer. What did
she think was good for the voice?
313
00:20:23,140 --> 00:20:24,980
Oral sex.
314
00:20:24,980 --> 00:20:26,780
JIMMY: I'm not saying anything.
315
00:20:26,780 --> 00:20:30,460
Alan gets the point, oral sex.
ALAN GARGLES
316
00:20:32,820 --> 00:20:34,860
# La-la-la-la-la! #
317
00:20:34,860 --> 00:20:36,900
ALAN GARGLES
318
00:20:36,900 --> 00:20:41,620
It turned from a dramatic soprano
to a bass unfortunately.
319
00:20:41,620 --> 00:20:46,060
Again... Can I make you
a double teacher's pet? Yes!
320
00:20:46,060 --> 00:20:50,620
I'm gonna give you another fanfare
because that was extraordinary.
321
00:20:50,620 --> 00:20:52,740
FANFARE
322
00:20:58,260 --> 00:21:02,740
I don't want to rain on your parade,
but Stephen's pupils
are ten times bigger!
323
00:21:04,380 --> 00:21:08,860
I am, as Alan said, aroused
by people who are passionate
about interesting facts.
324
00:21:08,860 --> 00:21:14,540
The fact is, until Escoffier
introduced "Service a la Rousse",
to Western Europe
325
00:21:14,540 --> 00:21:18,300
meals were served all at once and
eaten in whatever order you fancied.
326
00:21:18,300 --> 00:21:25,420
Since I gave up Greco-Roman
wrestling a few years ago, I've put
on a few pounds, as you can tell,
327
00:21:25,420 --> 00:21:30,060
do you have any tips on how I can
turn this fat back into muscle?
328
00:21:30,060 --> 00:21:35,060
When you say you've given up
Greco-Roman wrestling, you can't
change who you are. I know.
329
00:21:35,060 --> 00:21:41,340
Who do you think invented
Greco-Roman wrestling?
The Greeks and the Romans.
330
00:21:41,340 --> 00:21:43,860
ALARM RINGS
331
00:21:45,860 --> 00:21:48,540
Now all you have to say is
Mr Wrestling.
332
00:21:48,540 --> 00:21:55,660
No, it was the French. They gave it
a classical thing. "We want men
rubbing against each other."
333
00:21:55,660 --> 00:22:00,220
There was freestyle wrestling.
"Catch As Catch Can" it was called.
334
00:22:00,220 --> 00:22:05,100
They wanted this other form -
you couldn't do anything
below the waist,
335
00:22:05,100 --> 00:22:09,460
you couldn't use your legs,
you couldn't hook people
onto the ground.
336
00:22:09,460 --> 00:22:13,860
You know what Mae West
said about all in wrestling?
"If it's all in, why wrestle?"
337
00:22:16,500 --> 00:22:23,660
Good, isn't it? Finally,
this show gets back on firm
heterosexual footing. Exactly.
338
00:22:23,660 --> 00:22:24,860
Hear hear.
339
00:22:24,860 --> 00:22:29,900
You can't turn fat into muscle. Thank
you, Alan. They're different things.
340
00:22:29,900 --> 00:22:35,820
That thing if you don't keep
doing it, it turns into fat,
that's nonsense. You're so right.
341
00:22:35,820 --> 00:22:40,580
That is brilliance on your part
and I'm very, very pleased with you.
342
00:22:40,620 --> 00:22:47,860
Oh! Well done. I might give you
a teacher's pet fanfare. I have
written semen on my tongue though.
343
00:22:50,580 --> 00:22:52,660
At least you've just written it.
344
00:22:56,100 --> 00:23:00,620
Boys who rub me up the wrong way
come to a sticky end.
345
00:23:00,620 --> 00:23:02,300
GROANS
346
00:23:02,300 --> 00:23:08,340
This idea that fat turns to muscle,
it's nonsense. It's like saying your
toenail could turn into your ear.
347
00:23:08,340 --> 00:23:14,220
They're two different substances and
parts and structures of the body.
348
00:23:14,220 --> 00:23:20,580
They're not the same.
Now, what is the worst thing
to eat for tooth decay?
349
00:23:20,580 --> 00:23:22,820
REVERBERATING GONG
Crystal meth.
350
00:23:25,180 --> 00:23:27,700
There is some truth. Crystal meth
addicts have appalling teeth.
351
00:23:27,700 --> 00:23:31,620
Have you seen the ad for crystal
meth? It's an ad against it, surely?
352
00:23:31,620 --> 00:23:33,460
That explains it. I think so.
353
00:23:33,460 --> 00:23:38,860
That makes perfect sense.
I've looked at it and went,
"Who's buying that? It's horrible."
354
00:23:38,860 --> 00:23:46,100
They sell it in vials. The worst
thing you could do - I saw this
on TV - is to put them in salsa,
355
00:23:46,100 --> 00:23:50,460
and then run a, um...
a current through it.
356
00:23:50,460 --> 00:23:53,500
That must be bad for them.
357
00:23:53,500 --> 00:23:59,180
A guy broke out of jail in Mexico,
took him six years, he just kept
wiping salsa on the bars.
358
00:23:59,180 --> 00:24:05,540
Oh, my... After six years,
the acid broke down the steel.
It was that Myth Buster show.
359
00:24:05,540 --> 00:24:10,660
Then they ran a current through it
and it just happened in days.
Good gracious. How brilliant.
360
00:24:10,660 --> 00:24:13,940
You wouldn't want to do that...
If your teeth were like iron bars.
361
00:24:13,940 --> 00:24:17,700
I would just say don't run a current
through your teeth. Full stop.
362
00:24:17,700 --> 00:24:24,580
It's not going to be sugar. You're
right. There is something worse
than sugar. Sugar is quite bad.
363
00:24:24,580 --> 00:24:29,620
The thing is it dissolves
quite quickly in your saliva
and is away from the teeth,
364
00:24:29,620 --> 00:24:35,500
whereas potato starch is about
the worse thing because it hangs
around in the teeth more than sugar.
365
00:24:35,500 --> 00:24:42,660
Crisps are particularly bad -
bits of them stay up. You may think,
"It's not like an Opal Fruit,"
366
00:24:42,660 --> 00:24:45,060
but actually it's really bad.
367
00:24:45,060 --> 00:24:49,620
Do you know having gum disease
doubles your chance
of coronary artery disease?
368
00:24:49,620 --> 00:24:54,020
That's scary, isn't it? Does it
double your chances or is there
a correlation between the two?
369
00:24:54,020 --> 00:24:57,260
There's a direct causal link.
Bacteria from the mouth
find their way to the heart.
370
00:24:57,260 --> 00:25:03,780
A lot of disease in the heart
IS disease - it's infection,
not bad lifestyle and being lazy.
371
00:25:03,780 --> 00:25:07,260
You can get a virus, the heart can
kill people commonly, or bacteria.
372
00:25:07,260 --> 00:25:11,260
So flossing is good for your heart?
Yes, that's a good thought.
373
00:25:11,260 --> 00:25:13,300
Don't try and floss your heart.
374
00:25:13,300 --> 00:25:16,140
I saw in America anal floss.
375
00:25:16,140 --> 00:25:19,500
GROANS
Here we go again.
376
00:25:20,540 --> 00:25:22,860
It's not a gay thing, Rich.
377
00:25:22,860 --> 00:25:27,060
It's an American thing. It's a way
of drying your intimate crack.
God bless America.
378
00:25:27,060 --> 00:25:30,300
Drive through hamburgers
and anal floss.
379
00:25:31,820 --> 00:25:36,140
It's like a towel...
It's a special...
You were doing it the wrong way.
380
00:25:36,140 --> 00:25:37,500
Was I?
381
00:25:38,500 --> 00:25:42,540
Oh, I don't know. It's a special
towel with a gusset. Basically.
382
00:25:42,540 --> 00:25:49,580
Sorry. Pulling your sleeves up
worried me. I thought you were...
I'll show you anal floss.
383
00:25:52,060 --> 00:25:55,940
Sweets and chocolate aren't
the worst thing for your teeth.
384
00:25:55,940 --> 00:26:02,020
Potato starch sticks to teeth
for longer, providing a feast
for the acid producing bacteria.
385
00:26:02,020 --> 00:26:06,660
That bag of chips might not
just make you fat, it might make
your teeth fall out too.
386
00:26:06,660 --> 00:26:12,900
While we're digesting that truth,
how about a story? Tell me the tale
of the Miracle of the Herrings.
387
00:26:12,900 --> 00:26:18,500
Is it a miracle as in the act
of an interventionist god.
I can tell you it didn't happen.
388
00:26:18,500 --> 00:26:23,900
It so didn't happen,
but it is an official miracle.
Just one of the more pathetic...
389
00:26:23,900 --> 00:26:28,100
Is it a raining fish story?
JIMMY: The feeding of the three.
390
00:26:28,100 --> 00:26:32,540
No, it's the feeding of the one
person who didn't like herring.
391
00:26:32,540 --> 00:26:35,220
He says, "Not too bad actually."
392
00:26:35,220 --> 00:26:40,380
Was it like the feeding of the 5,000?
5,000 people and they want
bread and fish,
393
00:26:40,380 --> 00:26:45,700
I reckon that was 4,500 people going,
"What you got? Bread and fish?
I'm all right, thanks.
394
00:26:45,700 --> 00:26:47,060
"I'll have something at home."
395
00:26:47,060 --> 00:26:54,100
The other interesting thing about
that story is that out of the 5,000
people, only two had brought food.
396
00:26:54,100 --> 00:26:56,940
In a way - OK, good miracle -
397
00:26:56,940 --> 00:27:01,860
but the other side of it is
4,998 idiots
398
00:27:01,860 --> 00:27:07,900
with no sense of foresight
and Jesus doesn't make them
learn a lesson from that.
399
00:27:07,900 --> 00:27:12,780
It's all fine... "This isn't
Glastonbury," he could've said.
400
00:27:12,780 --> 00:27:19,020
"You didn't bring any food,
of course there's not going to be
any food! Plan next time.
401
00:27:19,020 --> 00:27:22,060
"Judea would be better
if people planned.
402
00:27:22,060 --> 00:27:26,780
"But, no, it'll work out fine -
Jesus will magic up some grub."
403
00:27:26,780 --> 00:27:30,860
"He'll get crucified one day, then
what are you going to eat?" Yes!
404
00:27:32,460 --> 00:27:35,860
As you know, the Roman Catholic
Church likes to appoint...
405
00:27:35,860 --> 00:27:41,740
After they're dead, it likes to do
this thing to holy dead people...
Sainthood. Makes them a saint.
406
00:27:41,740 --> 00:27:47,740
They're fast tracking one at the
moment, Padre Pio... They're trying
to fast track Mother Teresa.
407
00:27:47,740 --> 00:27:51,660
Yeah. This is one of the great
13th century divine creatures,
408
00:27:51,660 --> 00:27:56,700
a theologian philosopher called
Thomas Aquinas. They wanted to make
him a saint. He's a Dominican friar,
409
00:27:56,700 --> 00:28:01,580
but he didn't mortify his flesh,
as you're supposed to. There he is.
410
00:28:01,580 --> 00:28:07,620
That was a bit bad, and he didn't
seem to do any good works
while he was around,
411
00:28:07,620 --> 00:28:13,500
he wrote splendidly, he was a great
philosopher, and they had to find a
miracle for him and there were none,
412
00:28:13,500 --> 00:28:20,300
until someone told a story
that apparently on his death bed
he said, "I fancy a herring."
413
00:28:20,300 --> 00:28:23,860
They were in the Mediterranean
where there are no herrings
414
00:28:23,860 --> 00:28:27,300
so they thought, "Bring him
pilchards, he won't know."
415
00:28:27,300 --> 00:28:31,740
So they gave him pilchards
and he went, "Mmm, they're
the best herrings I've tasted."
416
00:28:31,740 --> 00:28:36,980
This is true, the Catholic Church
decided to interpret that as
the Miracle of the Herrings,
417
00:28:36,980 --> 00:28:40,220
that the pilchards had turned
to herrings in his mouth,
418
00:28:40,220 --> 00:28:44,820
therefore he qualified as a saint
and he is to this day
St Thomas Aquinas.
419
00:28:44,820 --> 00:28:49,580
If you're going to make it up,
you might as well make up something
better than that. You'd think.
420
00:28:49,580 --> 00:28:54,460
Suddenly he magiced up a unicorn.
I know. That's what's
so sweet and feeble about it.
421
00:28:54,460 --> 00:28:57,300
They're groping for a miracle.
Anyway, they made him a saint.
422
00:28:57,300 --> 00:29:00,940
I like a saint. You like a saint?
What's the matter with a saint?
423
00:29:00,940 --> 00:29:04,260
If you're going to have imaginary
friends, have loads of them.
424
00:29:04,260 --> 00:29:09,580
The great thing is it's something
for people to collect,
isn't it? Yes.
425
00:29:09,580 --> 00:29:14,940
It's like Star Wars.
There's all the figures.
There's a merchandising opportunity.
426
00:29:14,940 --> 00:29:21,700
Anyway, the Miracle of the Herrings
was attributed to Thomas Aquinas
so he'd qualify for sainthood.
427
00:29:21,700 --> 00:29:26,700
Before we head below the salt,
let's have a look
at your tasting maps.
428
00:29:26,700 --> 00:29:30,940
What have we got here? We'll start
with Jimmy. What have you got?
429
00:29:30,940 --> 00:29:33,780
You taste failure there
and success at the back.
430
00:29:33,780 --> 00:29:36,660
The bitter taste of resentment.
431
00:29:36,660 --> 00:29:38,180
Bitter at the back?
432
00:29:38,180 --> 00:29:40,980
What are the tastes? Salt, sweet...
433
00:29:40,980 --> 00:29:44,940
Sour, bitter... Didn't they
invent one, which is MSG? Yes.
434
00:29:44,940 --> 00:29:48,220
But they didn't discover it until
1911 or something?
435
00:29:48,220 --> 00:29:52,660
Umami. It's the brothy, mushroomy...
I love it. ..slightly savoury.
436
00:29:52,660 --> 00:29:54,660
Sweet, salt...
437
00:29:54,660 --> 00:29:57,100
Sour. MSG. Bitter.
438
00:29:57,100 --> 00:30:00,900
Yes. Is that it? Five. What's
Gordon Ramsay wittering on about
439
00:30:00,900 --> 00:30:03,340
in those shows, if that's it?
On the tongue.
440
00:30:03,340 --> 00:30:06,860
There's a rainbow of things
in the olfactory bulb in the nose.
441
00:30:06,860 --> 00:30:09,660
That's where all flavours
can be detected.
442
00:30:09,660 --> 00:30:11,980
But the tongue
is only for those five.
443
00:30:11,980 --> 00:30:13,380
What have you got, Rich?
444
00:30:13,380 --> 00:30:17,100
Guilt. Remorse...
Can you taste guilt?
445
00:30:17,100 --> 00:30:18,580
Crabby.
446
00:30:18,580 --> 00:30:21,260
David, what have you got?
I've got, um...
447
00:30:21,260 --> 00:30:23,020
"Be sick."
448
00:30:23,020 --> 00:30:24,820
Cos it does make you be sick.
449
00:30:24,820 --> 00:30:28,140
And that's "forgotten names",
on the tip of your tongue.
450
00:30:28,140 --> 00:30:30,220
Very good!
451
00:30:30,220 --> 00:30:32,620
Very good!
452
00:30:35,620 --> 00:30:37,340
Excellent.
453
00:30:37,340 --> 00:30:38,460
Alan?
454
00:30:38,460 --> 00:30:41,780
I've got bitter, sour and sweet
and then I ran out of ideas.
455
00:30:41,780 --> 00:30:45,420
I had savoury. I didn't think
it was right. Umami is savoury.
456
00:30:45,420 --> 00:30:48,340
Then I had one left
so I just put jam in!
457
00:30:48,340 --> 00:30:49,820
Jam!
458
00:30:49,820 --> 00:30:54,220
For all we know, your tongue may...
Are any of these right?
No. The fact is,
459
00:30:54,220 --> 00:30:58,340
all this, the whole tongue map idea
is actually nonsense.
460
00:30:58,340 --> 00:31:02,500
Thank you. Throw your tongue
over your shoulder.
461
00:31:02,500 --> 00:31:04,420
JIMMY: If I could do that...
462
00:31:04,420 --> 00:31:07,660
You wouldn't be working here,
for a start!
463
00:31:07,660 --> 00:31:11,060
I'd be a happy man! She wouldn't
let me leave the house!
464
00:31:12,620 --> 00:31:15,260
Because you could lick
your shoulder blade?
465
00:31:15,260 --> 00:31:18,460
Well, the inference being...
I suppose, yes.
466
00:31:18,460 --> 00:31:22,140
There was a French restaurateur,
quite a famous one, in London...
467
00:31:22,140 --> 00:31:28,380
Don't tell me... No.
He used to say to women,
"Excuse me, can I smell your pussy?"
468
00:31:28,380 --> 00:31:31,580
They'd go, "No." He'd say,
"It must be your feet then."
469
00:31:31,580 --> 00:31:35,100
COY LAUGHTER
It's a horrible joke.
470
00:31:35,100 --> 00:31:40,100
How many of those people
then stayed in the restaurant?
471
00:31:40,100 --> 00:31:45,620
He didn't do it in the restaurant.
He'd come up to the table. That
sounds like a horrible restaurant.
472
00:31:45,620 --> 00:31:48,900
I mean, how good
would the food have to be?
473
00:31:48,900 --> 00:31:54,140
He'd do it when relaxing off duty.
Right. That was one of his jokes.
474
00:31:55,620 --> 00:32:00,340
We detect those five primary
flavours all over the tongue
475
00:32:00,340 --> 00:32:04,140
and not in that... That used to be
held to be the tongue map.
476
00:32:04,140 --> 00:32:06,660
Amazingly, it's still in
a lot of text books.
477
00:32:06,660 --> 00:32:08,980
But it is absolutely not true.
478
00:32:08,980 --> 00:32:11,420
And so we come to the highlight
of our feast,
479
00:32:11,420 --> 00:32:13,740
the piece de generale ignorance.
480
00:32:13,740 --> 00:32:16,580
Elbows off the tables
and fingers on the buzzers.
481
00:32:16,580 --> 00:32:18,980
Name a poisonous snake.
GONG
482
00:32:18,980 --> 00:32:21,540
Yes? Piers Morgan.
483
00:32:21,540 --> 00:32:23,340
KLAXON
Jimmy, Jimmy!
484
00:32:29,740 --> 00:32:33,700
Poison is not the same as venom.
It can't be.
485
00:32:33,700 --> 00:32:36,220
Because there are load
of poisonous snakes.
486
00:32:36,220 --> 00:32:39,180
You sounded so like Jonathan Creek
just then!
487
00:32:40,380 --> 00:32:43,140
You suddenly hit it with the pen.
It was so right.
488
00:32:43,140 --> 00:32:46,940
You went, "Got it! I've got
the answer! In a locked room..."
489
00:32:46,940 --> 00:32:50,500
There's lots of them.
Well, we haven't name one yet.
490
00:32:50,500 --> 00:32:53,260
I'm not going to.
They're all gonna be up there.
491
00:32:53,260 --> 00:32:55,700
I refuse! You're so right.
492
00:32:55,700 --> 00:33:00,740
We were hoping you'd say cobra
and... He said it! ..rattlesnake...
493
00:33:02,540 --> 00:33:06,020
And all those things. But
"poisonous" does not apply to them.
494
00:33:06,020 --> 00:33:10,540
It means if you eat it, it makes you
very ill or kills you.
495
00:33:10,540 --> 00:33:13,740
Venom goes... Venom is injected
into your blood.
496
00:33:13,740 --> 00:33:17,860
Those are all venomous snakes. There
are only two poisonous snakes,
497
00:33:17,860 --> 00:33:21,940
ones that if you ate would kill you,
like a poison fruit or berry.
498
00:33:21,940 --> 00:33:25,940
And they are, there's
the Japanese grass snake,
499
00:33:25,940 --> 00:33:30,980
Rhabdophis tigrinus, becomes
poisonous by eating toxic toads.
500
00:33:30,980 --> 00:33:34,860
It stores them in glands in its
neck. If you eat that, you'll die.
501
00:33:34,860 --> 00:33:38,220
Or there's the Thamnophis
sirtalis... Of course!
502
00:33:38,220 --> 00:33:41,420
..which is the common garter snake.
Stephen...
503
00:33:41,420 --> 00:33:44,140
Yeah? What are you talking about?
504
00:33:44,140 --> 00:33:46,340
LAUGHTER
505
00:33:46,340 --> 00:33:50,180
It eats a poisonous newt, an
orange-bellied rough-skinned newt.
506
00:33:50,180 --> 00:33:53,700
Now, what shouldn't you eat
before bedtime?
507
00:33:53,700 --> 00:33:58,180
And again, once again, it's a trap!
508
00:33:59,300 --> 00:34:01,460
Us?!
509
00:34:01,460 --> 00:34:02,900
TINKLING BELL
Cheese!
510
00:34:02,900 --> 00:34:04,660
KLAXON
511
00:34:05,940 --> 00:34:08,940
Gives you bad dreams.
Supposedly. But apparently,
512
00:34:08,940 --> 00:34:11,540
according to a study,
it's been debunked.
513
00:34:11,540 --> 00:34:14,140
In 2005. Apparently
it gives you good dreams.
514
00:34:14,140 --> 00:34:18,340
But the study was instituted
by the British Cheese Board!
515
00:34:18,340 --> 00:34:22,700
They may have an axe to grind!
Are you suggesting corruption?
Cheese Board?!
516
00:34:22,700 --> 00:34:24,900
I think they're aware of the joke.
517
00:34:24,900 --> 00:34:30,780
They say there's an amino acid in
cheese as there is in milk and all
dairy products called Tryptophan
518
00:34:30,780 --> 00:34:34,580
which gives you peace and joy and
tranquillity and helps you sleep.
519
00:34:34,580 --> 00:34:38,580
No, that's Temazepam! Temazepam!
But Tryptophan is a natural one.
520
00:34:38,580 --> 00:34:41,820
I don't think it makes it better
that they're aware of the joke.
521
00:34:41,820 --> 00:34:47,740
They've made their name a joke.
The British Cheese Board.
Manufacturing cheese is not a joke.
522
00:34:47,740 --> 00:34:54,540
Make the name of your organisation
a joke, it sits there dying,
like a joke on a fridge.
523
00:34:54,540 --> 00:35:00,500
A joke should be cracked,
then you forget it, but, no, it's
there... On stationery... Yeah.
524
00:35:00,500 --> 00:35:04,020
The British Cheese Board.
It becomes less funny each time.
525
00:35:04,020 --> 00:35:09,380
It's like a headline...
I work for the British Cheese
Board. Please don't say anything.
526
00:35:09,380 --> 00:35:15,780
There was a headline on the BBC
website when BA's profits went up -
BA's Profits Soar.
527
00:35:15,780 --> 00:35:17,820
Oh! Why's that better?
528
00:35:17,820 --> 00:35:23,100
No-one's going to laugh because
you said "soar" - just say "go up".
529
00:35:23,100 --> 00:35:27,140
Not "go up" because plane's go up,
say "increase".
530
00:35:27,140 --> 00:35:34,380
Do anything to avoid that awful,
half-limping... You're so right.
..foetus of a joke.
531
00:35:34,380 --> 00:35:39,260
You're right. You're so right.
From your lips to God's ears.
532
00:35:39,260 --> 00:35:41,300
APPLAUSE
533
00:35:42,940 --> 00:35:47,820
So the British Cheese Commission
has determined that cheese
is very good for you.
534
00:35:47,820 --> 00:35:50,860
What are those people doing,
by the way?
535
00:35:50,860 --> 00:35:56,100
I'm pretty sure there's
an opera singer in that fridge.
536
00:35:58,220 --> 00:36:01,620
He's reaching in, "I keep
the semen in here." Oh, dear.
537
00:36:01,620 --> 00:36:06,660
Didn't the Romantic poets
used to eat off meat in order
to give themselves crazy dreams?
538
00:36:06,660 --> 00:36:11,060
I haven't heard that.
That's interesting.
They certainly toyed with morphine.
539
00:36:11,060 --> 00:36:17,300
I heard they used to eat gamey meat
and they'd notice they had
extraordinary dreams
540
00:36:17,300 --> 00:36:19,740
because the rotting flesh
would give them...
541
00:36:19,740 --> 00:36:25,020
ALAN: And extraordinary poos.
JIMMY: Hallucinogenic.
Extraordinary poos, did you say?
542
00:36:26,020 --> 00:36:31,420
I dreamt I had to get up ten times
last night and sit lonely squitting.
543
00:36:32,820 --> 00:36:36,540
That's the only dreams
off meat has ever given me?
544
00:36:36,540 --> 00:36:40,940
Biting the inside of the lavatory
door for miserable hours.
545
00:36:40,940 --> 00:36:48,700
Maybe that's why you get so many
poems... Byron actually wrote on
a lavatory wall a classical poem,
546
00:36:48,700 --> 00:36:55,020
which was asking for a good stool.
"Cloaca" is the Latin for "sewer",
for lavatory,
547
00:36:55,020 --> 00:36:58,620
so he wrote, "Cloacina,
goddess of this place,
548
00:36:58,620 --> 00:37:01,260
"look on thy supplicants
with smiling face.
549
00:37:01,260 --> 00:37:04,620
"Smooth and consistent
may their offerings flow,
550
00:37:04,620 --> 00:37:08,900
"neither rashly swift
nor insolently slow."
551
00:37:08,900 --> 00:37:12,900
That's a genuine poem... Better
class of graffiti in your school.
552
00:37:12,900 --> 00:37:14,940
LAUGHTER
553
00:37:14,940 --> 00:37:18,460
When he says, "rashly swift,"
is that really possible?
554
00:37:18,460 --> 00:37:21,860
It's what known as the
pathetic fallacy in poetry.
555
00:37:21,860 --> 00:37:26,220
You impute an emotion
or an ability to an object
that is not capable of it.
556
00:37:26,220 --> 00:37:27,500
OK.
557
00:37:27,500 --> 00:37:29,940
LAUGHTER
558
00:37:29,940 --> 00:37:33,140
The British Cheese Board says,
"Let them eat cheese."
559
00:37:33,140 --> 00:37:35,220
But who said, "Let them eat cake"?
560
00:37:35,220 --> 00:37:38,540
That French woman - Dawn French.
561
00:37:39,940 --> 00:37:41,740
Very good.
562
00:37:41,740 --> 00:37:44,300
She said, "Let them eat brioche"!
Who did?
563
00:37:44,300 --> 00:37:46,380
I'm not saying it!
564
00:37:46,380 --> 00:37:49,180
But I'm asking you. I need to know!
565
00:37:49,180 --> 00:37:52,100
Ooh! Was it Mr Kipling?
KLAXON
566
00:37:57,100 --> 00:37:58,660
Oh, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy!
567
00:38:00,460 --> 00:38:04,260
Marie...Osmond. Marie Osmond?
Kirsten Dunst.
568
00:38:04,260 --> 00:38:07,420
No. Kirsten Dunst
in that shocking film,
569
00:38:07,420 --> 00:38:10,780
the worst film ever made
since Revolution with Al Pacino.
570
00:38:10,780 --> 00:38:14,220
Did it involve cakes? Four people.
A Marie Antoinette film.
571
00:38:14,220 --> 00:38:19,140
Yes. So did you say what? Who said
it? What you said. Marie Antoinette.
572
00:38:20,740 --> 00:38:24,500
Why do you keep saying
Marie Antoinette?
KLAXON
573
00:38:24,500 --> 00:38:27,060
Because I wanted that to happen!
574
00:38:27,060 --> 00:38:30,780
Marie Antoinette didn't say it,
or if she did, she was quoting it.
575
00:38:30,780 --> 00:38:33,860
She was born in 1755,
as every schoolboy knows.
576
00:38:33,860 --> 00:38:37,780
The phrase was seen in print in 1760
577
00:38:37,780 --> 00:38:41,100
and Jean-Jacques Rousseau
claims to have seen it in 1740.
578
00:38:41,100 --> 00:38:45,700
So this whole idea that it was
Marie Antoinette is not true.
579
00:38:45,700 --> 00:38:48,540
You want to hear
the whole conversation.
580
00:38:48,540 --> 00:38:54,140
"They've no bread." "Let them eat
cake." "They haven't got cake,
either." "Oh. This is a problem."
581
00:38:54,140 --> 00:38:58,180
Yes! "I'll talk to the ministers
about it and see what we can do."
582
00:38:58,180 --> 00:39:00,700
They're probably...
That may well be it.
583
00:39:00,700 --> 00:39:05,220
The accusation that one grand lady
or another committed this gaffe
584
00:39:05,220 --> 00:39:09,180
was in circulation at least 15 years
before Marie Antoinette was born.
585
00:39:09,180 --> 00:39:13,260
Now, what makes up more than
70% of the internet?
586
00:39:13,260 --> 00:39:15,140
Ooh!
587
00:39:15,140 --> 00:39:18,420
It's my personal collection,
isn't it?
588
00:39:18,420 --> 00:39:21,980
Of what? Of gentlemen's
special interest literature.
589
00:39:22,820 --> 00:39:26,380
KLAXON
I didn't say that!
I think we know
590
00:39:26,380 --> 00:39:30,500
what you're talking about!
If you're gonna be like that...
591
00:39:30,500 --> 00:39:35,420
It's quite surprising. They did
a survey on behalf of the American
Civil Liberties Union
592
00:39:35,420 --> 00:39:39,300
who were annoyed about some
legislation Bush wanted to pass,
593
00:39:39,300 --> 00:39:42,300
which they thought prohibitive
of personal liberty
594
00:39:42,300 --> 00:39:47,820
and they discovered that less than
1% of the internet is pornography.
Less than 1%.
595
00:39:47,820 --> 00:39:53,220
You say that, but the other day
I wanted to know why German people
are so fastidious...
596
00:39:53,220 --> 00:39:56,460
Mmm. ..so I typed in German anal
and it was...
597
00:39:56,460 --> 00:39:58,700
I lost a week, Stephen.
598
00:40:01,100 --> 00:40:02,940
You are so bad!
599
00:40:02,940 --> 00:40:08,260
He emerged bleary-eyed, finally
pulled back the curtains...
600
00:40:08,260 --> 00:40:10,300
I need fluids.
601
00:40:11,620 --> 00:40:14,260
Of all email traffic, 85...
602
00:40:14,260 --> 00:40:18,020
In fact, up to 89% is spam.
Simple as that.
603
00:40:18,020 --> 00:40:23,300
Trying to sell you Zanex and penis
enlargement. Yes. Soft Cialis,
whatever that is.
604
00:40:23,300 --> 00:40:26,460
I get loads of 'em.
Most are from my girlfriend.
605
00:40:27,260 --> 00:40:29,620
It's the ones from my mum
that really hurt.
606
00:40:32,300 --> 00:40:36,860
A recent study has established that
the World Wide Web is less than
1% pornography
607
00:40:36,860 --> 00:40:39,460
and 89% of all emails are spam,
608
00:40:39,460 --> 00:40:44,340
good news if you're looking
for pills or want to increase
your extremities.
609
00:40:44,340 --> 00:40:47,260
That brings us to the coffee
and liqueurs, as it were.
610
00:40:47,260 --> 00:40:52,340
The end of our little dinner.
L'addition, s'il vous plait, garcon.
611
00:40:52,340 --> 00:40:57,420
Let's look at the scores.
It's pretty unsurprising to those
who've been paying attention
612
00:40:57,420 --> 00:41:02,100
that our runaway winner with a full
ten points is David Mitchell.
613
00:41:03,660 --> 00:41:05,020
Hoorah!
614
00:41:07,260 --> 00:41:13,940
Well done to David with ten and it's
medium with minus two to Rich Hall.
615
00:41:16,220 --> 00:41:18,100
Minus two?
616
00:41:19,100 --> 00:41:23,540
And it's a very rare third place
for Alan Davies with minus 12!
617
00:41:27,500 --> 00:41:33,340
Looking decidedly blue,
it's Jimmy Carr with minus 46!
618
00:41:42,180 --> 00:41:47,220
So it only remains for me
to thank my fellow diners,
Rich, Jimmy, David and Alan
619
00:41:47,220 --> 00:41:51,020
and to leave you with the reproving
words of our Dame Nellie Melba
620
00:41:51,020 --> 00:41:53,980
on being presented with
a gelatine-based pudding
621
00:41:53,980 --> 00:41:56,420
which had not been allowed
to set properly.
622
00:41:56,420 --> 00:42:01,140
"There are two things I like stiff",
she said, "and one of them's jelly."
Goodnight!
623
00:42:23,820 --> 00:42:26,780
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