1 00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:24,840 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:27,280 CHEERING AND WHISTLING 3 00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:29,640 Oh! 4 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:34,680 Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-ood 5 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:36,160 evening, good evening! 6 00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:37,880 Welcome to QI 7 00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:41,920 for a show that tonight is all about gardening and groceries 8 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:44,160 and it's BOGOF night at QI - 9 00:00:44,160 --> 00:00:46,400 four comedians for the price of two. 10 00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:48,560 Cutting the mustard, it's Rob Brydon. 11 00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:50,920 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 12 00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:57,600 And taking the biscuit, it's Dara O'Briain. 13 00:00:57,600 --> 00:00:59,200 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 14 00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:04,520 Spicing things up is David Mitchell. 15 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:06,080 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 16 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:12,240 And playing ketchup, it's Alan Davies. 17 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:14,080 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 18 00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:19,000 But erm... 19 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:22,320 before we head over to the garden to turn over the first sod, 20 00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:25,640 let's hear your buzzers. Rob goes... TINKLING 21 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:28,480 Dara goes... TILL KERCHINGS 22 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:31,640 David goes... SHOP BELL TINGS 23 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:34,960 And Alan goes... MAN: Pound a punnet! Pound a punnet! 24 00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:39,600 Come on, love, got a couple of juicy ones 'ere, go on. Pound a punnet. 25 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,120 Thank you. Thank you. 26 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:43,080 So let's get off to an easy start. 27 00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:46,600 What tools do you need for do-nothing gardening? 28 00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:48,520 Er, no... no tools. 29 00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:54,080 You'd think. It's also called natural gardening or natural farming. 30 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:57,040 It's an Eastern version of our organic farming 31 00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:59,280 that has actually spread around the world. 32 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:03,880 You have to dig with your hands? Or persuade animals to do it for you. 33 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:10,840 Yes, persuade other animals. So you persuade a fox it doesn't want a den but a rockery? 34 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:17,240 Well, in the case... You get some fish and they desperately dig a pond before they die. 35 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:26,000 Well, fish is right. In paddy fields, they use ducks instead of herbicide. 36 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:29,200 They eat the weeds and the throttly things that kill the rice 37 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:32,840 and they use carp to help purify the water in the paddy fields. 38 00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:36,840 This is like having a goat, in the nicest sense. 39 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:41,320 It's like having a goat but now the goat has been usurped. 40 00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:44,960 Because the wallaby is being introducedin larger numbers 41 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:48,800 in Britain because it makes a good family pet and eats the grass. 42 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:51,120 It's more fun than a goat - more intelligent. 43 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:54,720 Better than that traditional family pet, the goat?! 44 00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:58,760 Well... Yeah. Surely not! 45 00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:03,080 Surely all those Christmas mornings where children go, "It's a goat!" 46 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:07,600 Its' true. I read about it in the paper. 47 00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:10,480 The who breeds them says he's never been busier. 48 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:14,520 Ooh! Because they hop over the fence and run away. 49 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:18,480 You do have to have a very high fence, that's true. 50 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:21,480 You can electrify the top of the fence. 51 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:25,720 Because they are just gripping animals, aren't they? Wallabies? 52 00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:27,760 That's a koala, surely?! 53 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:31,920 They're not big climbers, famously. 54 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:37,480 They're bouncers, basically. I don't mean in the sense of nightclubs. 55 00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:40,160 They are of the bouncing animals. 56 00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:43,960 Yes. As opposed to the gripping onto animals. 57 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:47,560 You blinded me with your biology talk! 58 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:53,120 Yeah, he's a man called Masanobu Fukuoka - 59 00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:55,000 responsible for do-nothing gardening. 60 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:59,520 He invented seed balls. Are you familiar? 61 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:04,760 You make a ball out of clay, mud and various nutrients 62 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:07,040 chuck it around and it seeds. 63 00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:13,800 You throw a load of seeds and some mud in a ball and then just chuck it. 64 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:16,200 And leave it there to grow? More or less! 65 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:19,240 And that's preferable to just putting some seeds... 66 00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:20,600 Yes! > 67 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:22,840 You chuck it where you want it to be, obviously. 68 00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:26,640 But you use far fewer seeds. It's much more economical. 69 00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:30,360 Is it for planting things that were difficult otherwise to reach 70 00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:34,000 from the other side of lava or something? 71 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:38,720 Surely you could just walk to the point at which it would land and just plant seeds there. 72 00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:42,400 It's if you want hanging baskets but you haven't got a ladder. 73 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:47,960 So you get a basketball player and a seed ball... 74 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:50,080 Exactly. Game on. 75 00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:52,560 Plus there are seed guns. 76 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,640 Are you familiar with the seed gun? 77 00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:57,400 I'm guessing you take a seed ball 78 00:04:57,400 --> 00:05:00,680 and put it into a large gun-like device 79 00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:02,920 and you just shoot that mutha! 80 00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:07,880 Thank you. Thank you for giving us the pre-watershed version. 81 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:11,400 Actually, it is... Gang talk! 82 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,960 I'm the acceptable face of gangsta rap! 83 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:17,120 There on the left is a seed gun. 84 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:21,640 It is literally a seed ball-type mud thing made in the shape of a gun. 85 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:24,440 ROB: Why would you do that?! 86 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:27,520 Imagine you were citizens of Richmond, Virginia. 87 00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:32,240 And your murder rate has gone up so far, you're casting about 88 00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:35,840 for some way of suggesting peaceful uses of guns. 89 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:43,040 So, you make a mud gun with seeds in it to plant flowers of hope. 90 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:46,360 Flowers arrive up in the shape of a gun. 91 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:50,240 Surely, that's... That's promoting a gun. 92 00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:54,640 You could have a gangsta rapper thinking, "I'm trying to put the guns behind me." 93 00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:58,760 Then, he sees the flower bed and thinks, "A gun, what a great idea." 94 00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:02,280 ALAN: And how convenient - a bullet tree! 95 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:11,200 Turn your swords into ploughshares or the famous '60s image 96 00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:15,120 of the hippy putting the flower down the barrel of a tank. 97 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:18,720 But guerrilla gardening is a similar thing. 98 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:24,880 Guerrilla gardening is where people take random patches of land which they don't own and garden on them. 99 00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:29,920 Yes, exactly. Thank you. That's not confusing to anyone! 100 00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:32,760 Did you hear me say guer-rill-aa! 101 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:36,280 That's compounding the problem for young people watching 102 00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:39,960 who for years have been thrilled by the words guerrilla warfare! 103 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,800 Watching the news, half the time they're telling you about 104 00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:48,920 the gorillas going extinct and then about the guerrilla fighters killing people! 105 00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:52,080 I'll be quite glad when the gorillas are extinct, actually! 106 00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:54,040 Sending the wrong message, isn't it? 107 00:06:54,040 --> 00:07:00,560 In America, there were problems where people were growing cannabis on that kind of land 108 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:03,920 land on the edge... on the ramp onto a motorway. 109 00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:07,760 Land you couldn't normally get to, people would use that land and grow cannabis. 110 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:14,960 You'll be disappointed to hear one anonymous guerrilla gardener planted 3,400 marijuana seedlings 111 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:18,720 in the grounds of the Californian estate owned by Rupert Murdoch. 112 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:20,560 That's tough(!) 113 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:22,880 Very irresponsible, isn't it? 114 00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:27,120 There's a lot of guerrilla-ing about. 3,000 plants. 115 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:30,560 It's extraordinary. It started, supposedly, in 1973 in New York. 116 00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:34,880 Vancouver is one of the places it's really taken off because 117 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,880 a load of compost was dumped in the street my construction workers 118 00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:40,560 and a local inadvertently emptied all his bird seed onto it. 119 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:44,560 It flowered so extraordinarily that now almost any spare piece 120 00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:47,000 of land is used as a garden in Vancouver. 121 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,920 It's a good thing, isn't it? 122 00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:52,000 But, I've got some props for you, 123 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:56,400 which is more connected with the principle of the gentleman gardener, 124 00:07:56,400 --> 00:08:01,800 which was a familiar 18th and 19th century pastime, 125 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:03,440 to be a gentleman gardener. 126 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:05,320 Have that or pass it on. There you are. 127 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:08,480 And on your side... Isn't it exciting to have props? 128 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:11,080 Physical, actual props. There you are. 129 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:13,520 I can see where we're going with this, yes. 130 00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:20,120 So who's going to go first? Everybody's been given fascinating devices 131 00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:22,600 and I've been given a bottle with the top cut off. 132 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:28,520 That was designed by George Stephenson, of the Rocket fame. The first locomotive. 133 00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:32,760 And it's to do with the garden? It is. He was a very keen gardener. 134 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:37,280 What did he make most money out of, that or the train? I think... 135 00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:41,200 I think the train was a bigger hit. Right. But he was a keen gentleman gardener. 136 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:44,960 I bet he was really tedious and wouldn't talk about the train in interviews 137 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:48,760 and would insist on talking about his bloody bottle. I fear you're right. 138 00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:50,560 "It's the work I'm proudest of." 139 00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:53,720 Yeah but it's crap, it's just a bit of glass with no top. 140 00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:55,440 ALAN: It would protect seeds. 141 00:08:55,440 --> 00:08:59,520 Sunlight, I think, is an important factor. The sunlight. 142 00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:04,480 Cos we've got glass and what can glass do? It can magnify, Stephen, can't it? It can, Rob. 143 00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:07,400 We can do fraction with it, can't we? Yes, or refraction. 144 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:10,360 Refraction. Whatever, whatever, doesn't matter. 145 00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:15,160 Let's not get bogged down in that. That was silly, I'm sorry. 146 00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:16,680 Oh, hello. 147 00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:19,000 Well, you've found out... 148 00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:21,160 It's a saw. It is. 149 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:23,720 For a gentleman gardener. 150 00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:27,400 It's got a concealed serrated blade. You won't get this through customs. 151 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,960 You could hijack a plane with one of these. 152 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:33,080 I can't make it work, though. It'll only go that way. 153 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:36,320 That's how you start the stroke. It won't go back again. 154 00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:41,280 Have you ever used a saw? Yeah. I don't think it's designed for exercise books. 155 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:44,320 No. There is that, too. David has a point. 156 00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:46,560 It's for the gentleman farmer... 157 00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:48,560 No! 158 00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:50,960 I want to saw something now. 159 00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:54,040 I... I just want to say... 160 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:59,960 These have been lent to us by the Garden Museum... It works! 161 00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:03,400 It works, look. Oh, look at that. Oh, my God. 162 00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:05,200 APPLAUSE 163 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:11,160 I tell you what... 164 00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,200 LAUGHTER 165 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:17,720 I really wish they hadn't made this set out of asbestos. 166 00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:21,920 Brilliant. 167 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:24,360 That is... That's a very good invention. 168 00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:29,000 It's for the gentleman who's walking along and he sees an overhanging limb of a tree 169 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:32,320 or limb of a person, for that matter, and decides... 170 00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:33,720 Oh, no! 171 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,600 What have I done? 172 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:37,640 No! 173 00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:41,720 That's... Oh! It's only plastic. Yeah, I know. 174 00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:45,400 And see if you can tidy it away, class. See if you can do that. 175 00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:47,000 My clever psychology. 176 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:50,080 Let's see if you're clever enough to hide that saw. 177 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:54,760 Brilliant. Well, that was great fun. Have you got any more? 178 00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:56,840 Well, David, what about yours? 179 00:10:56,840 --> 00:11:00,680 Yes, I... I don't know. It's like... Yours, actually, is missing a piece. 180 00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:03,160 The Garden Museum, to whom we're very grateful 181 00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:06,680 for lending us these incredibly valuable artefacts... 182 00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:10,600 This would've had a sort of hat to make it like a walking stick, 183 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:12,880 a sort of leathern thing around there. 184 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:15,760 So you hold it like that... You hold it as a walking stick 185 00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:20,000 and then when you see some obtrusive weeds, and almost like a golf club, you... 186 00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:24,000 Just a little hoe. You just hoe. Yeah. A little hoe. Yeah. 187 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:27,440 Not in the street sense it's used in the United States of America. 188 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:31,240 Which is the sense I usually use that syllable in. Yes, naturally. 189 00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:33,600 So, talking of hoes - Rob. 190 00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:38,280 SHOP BELL TINKLES Oh! That's... Oh, hello. 191 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,920 Sorry. A fly landed on my buzzer 192 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:45,360 and I tried to use my little hoe and... 193 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:48,680 My little hoe. It's a new sort of toy for children. 194 00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:53,400 What's your little hoe for? I have no idea, other than I think it's something to do with light. 195 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:58,120 It's not bad. It actually forces a shape. What sort of shape would something in there be? 196 00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:01,600 Oh, a vegetable? It would have to be a straight vegetable. 197 00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:05,080 Is it for cucumbers? It's for growing straight cucumbers. 198 00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:07,560 Points. And I've mended my walking stick. Yes! 199 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,480 Points all round for Alan Davies. APPLAUSE 200 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:13,480 There you are. That thing up there, though, Stephen, 201 00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:15,320 it may well be for cucumbers 202 00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:19,520 but that picture is very similar to a spam email that I get sent. 203 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:26,680 And I have to say, I'll tell you now, don't waste your money, it doesn't work. 204 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:34,560 Dara, what have you got? I am guessing that you put a mixture of seeds in of different sizes. 205 00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:37,040 Indeed. Cos there are holes of different sizes. 206 00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:41,640 Then if you know what size seed you need, you sprinkle it, 207 00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:44,560 in the most effete gardening way imaginable. Yes. 208 00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:49,400 While actual gardeners would be going, "Oh, well done, m'lud, 209 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:52,960 "that's really top quality gardening you're doing there." 210 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:54,520 "Yes, it is." 211 00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:58,040 "I'm rather exhausted now. I may have to go in and have a cocktail." 212 00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:00,880 "I've got a fit of the vapours from my gardening." 213 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:05,440 So do-nothing gardening is small-scale organic farming with minimal inputs. 214 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:09,480 Guerrilla gardening is prettying up the 'hood and a jolly good thing. 215 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:13,000 Now, before we move on, we'd like you to draw now... 216 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:16,640 You should have a card if you haven't sawn it in half! 217 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:21,000 We'd like you to draw the world's first novelty teapot. 218 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,200 ALAN COUGHS AND SPITS 219 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:28,480 Alan?! It all went... Draft in here it turns out. 220 00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:30,480 What did I ask you to draw? 221 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:32,320 The world's first novelty teapot! 222 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,280 You were listening! That's very good. 223 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:37,920 It's gone out that side. When you asked me it was still in the middle! 224 00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:41,760 Get drawing. The world's first... You mean reinventing one? 225 00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:45,720 Or there is one we should know about? 226 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:51,320 This is nice. I like it when the class get on with their pieces. 227 00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:54,880 Busy and quiet. The teacher sits at the front texting her friends! 228 00:13:56,880 --> 00:14:00,920 Do you know that rhyme, I'm a little teapot short and stout, 229 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:03,520 here's my handle... Oh, bugger. I'm a sugar bowl! 230 00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:06,040 LAUGHTER 231 00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:15,240 How are you doing? Is everyone ready to show yet? 232 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:19,080 David, you look as if you've finished. Yeah, I'm very pleased with it! 233 00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:21,680 Is it an Indian goddess or a crab? 234 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:24,240 It's a novelty teapot. 235 00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:25,240 Oh yes! Sorry! 236 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:30,240 I thought they have a lot of tea in India and their vague goddess is a bit like that. 237 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:34,680 The best bit... The business end of the teapot is the spout 238 00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:37,920 so someone might have invented one with lots of spouts. 239 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:42,560 You have to pretty much surround it...! 240 00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:48,360 That thing on the front that looks like an ear is the handle. 241 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:51,760 Does it come with a cream to treat scalding and burns?! 242 00:14:53,080 --> 00:14:56,760 No, but it came in a society in which the burning of various members of it 243 00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:59,320 was not considered important by those in charge. 244 00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:01,520 Good satirical point! 245 00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:03,080 What have you got Rob? 246 00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:06,000 I've come up with a thing called Handy Tea. 247 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:10,560 So, it's a teapot... All jokes aside, this could be a goer. 248 00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:15,840 The finger is cocking a snook to authority, that'll appeal to the youngsters. 249 00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:19,200 But the rest of it... And I've called it Handy Tea. 250 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:26,320 Which finger....? The thumb. No, unless it's the left hand... 251 00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:28,800 ..which has got five fingers! 252 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:32,640 You're absolutely right, yeah! 253 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:34,720 It's not anatomically correct. 254 00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:43,360 Contents may differ upon delivery! 255 00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:47,200 Anyway... But there's something for everyone there. 256 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,440 DAVID: It's very wise of you to have signed it. 257 00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:53,560 If you hadn't, I'd have nicked that idea. 258 00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:57,120 I'd probably leave the recording at this point to capitalise on it. 259 00:15:57,120 --> 00:16:01,840 Dara? It's supposed to be an Egyptian character. 260 00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:04,880 Oh, yes! I thought you wanted something historical. 261 00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:09,120 The Egyptian character is doing the traditional hieroglyphic thing 262 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:11,520 but it pours out of the top. 263 00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:17,800 That's very clever. Unfortunately, I can't draw Egyptian clothes so I've put him in a small tuxedo! 264 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:22,600 And a dicky bow as if he's on the way to some black tie event. 265 00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:25,680 Maybe the opening of a pyramid. 266 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:29,560 And you've not only signed it but put a copyright symbol notice. 267 00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:32,160 Just in case that isn't the correct answer. 268 00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:37,080 Superb. Can I just say to David, I've also copyrighted. 269 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:40,240 You have to put the date if you copyright something! 270 00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:47,680 Do you think I should copyright mine or...? I wouldn't rush! 271 00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:50,960 Save the ink! 272 00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:53,080 Alan, what have you got? 273 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:56,520 I've done a bloke with a beak... 274 00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:03,600 It's a long, tall pot. Oh, yes. You can fill the feet. That's his arm. 275 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:06,840 And then it'll all come out of his beak. 276 00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:09,160 His baseball cap is the lid. 277 00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:13,600 The only drawback is you'll need long, thin teabags. 278 00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:19,480 I think that's going to be a hell of a difficult thing to clean. 279 00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:23,880 You shouldn't clean a teapot. You don't clean a teapot, David! 280 00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:26,560 Under no circumstances?! 281 00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:31,840 Provided you only put tea in it! If it's used as a teapot. 282 00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:35,160 If you came in and couldn't find the loo one night! 283 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:39,440 Only a hunch but I sense a hypothetical situation... 284 00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:44,520 This is not a hypothetical situation. I've only ever used a teapot for tea. 285 00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:48,280 But occasionally if you make tea in a teapot once in a blue moon 286 00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:51,480 in a vague attempt to seem more civilised that you are. 287 00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:55,360 You've still got a bit of tea in it... Oh yeah, you rinse it out. 288 00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:58,800 No, you don't rinse it out because you forget because you're tired 289 00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:01,080 of being civilised and want to go to the pub. 290 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,800 You leave it there for weeks and and months. 291 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:06,520 When you look in it, it's gone disgustingly mouldy. 292 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:08,320 And it's talking to you! 293 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:11,680 At that point, the flavour you would get if you didn't wash it 294 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:15,120 from your next cup of tea is, if anything, too characterful. 295 00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:21,160 What do you think the first novelty teapots might have been in the shape of? 296 00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:23,880 You've probably seen them, they've become very popular. 297 00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:27,080 A Toby jug or something? 298 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:33,320 Not quite that so much as cauliflowers and pineapples and things like that. 299 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:37,400 That's the classic sort but that was very early - Queen Anne's time. 300 00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:40,280 Early 1700s. Mine's much better than that! 301 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:42,440 Yes, it probably is. 302 00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:45,680 Anyway, we probably ought to move on. 303 00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:49,760 Now, where's the best place in the world to discover an entirely new species? 304 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:52,960 The National Geographic channel. 305 00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:59,120 That... may be. They're at the forefront. 306 00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:02,200 Do you think you might spot something on the edge of shot 307 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,560 that the documentary makers haven't? 308 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:08,520 "They're going on about that monkey but that's a totally new caterpillar." 309 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:12,760 What about the Amazon rainforest, where they discover new things all the time? 310 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:15,920 ALARM HOOTER 311 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:20,080 Kent. Yes! That would do. 312 00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:24,120 Kent? Kent would do. Basically, your own garden. Oh! 313 00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:27,280 You may say, "There's nothing new in my garden," 314 00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:28,640 but you would be amazed. 315 00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:32,640 In 1971, Jennifer Owen, a biologist, did a very long-term study 316 00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:35,680 of her ordinary garden in a suburban house in Leicester. 317 00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:42,960 She discovered 533 species ichneumon wasp - just that family of parasitic wasps. 318 00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:45,320 15 of these had never been recorded in Britain, 319 00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:47,800 4 of them were completely new to science. 320 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,280 In a suburban garden. 321 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:53,000 So in your garden, if you have a garden, there will be things. 322 00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:57,680 Gilbert White, the naturalist, said that nature is so full and so varied 323 00:19:57,680 --> 00:20:02,200 that if you want to find the place with the most variety, it's the place you most study. 324 00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:03,800 It almost doesn't matter. 325 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,920 Just take a piece of land and look at it hard enough, 326 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:10,520 you will see things that... I'm still going rainforest, I'm sorry. 327 00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:15,240 Yes but you'd have to travel thousands of miles, you'd have to park... Park? 328 00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:22,520 Yes... Cos everyone knows it's a nightmare, parking. 329 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:28,560 I'm worried that my brain let me say that. "Where am I going to park, with all these trees?" 330 00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:32,720 The congestion charge drives up the cost of research. Nonetheless... 331 00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:34,600 How did she catch these wasps? 332 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:39,040 Did she put a jam jar with jam in it and a little hole they can't get back out of? 333 00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:41,640 Cos that's what we do in our house. Do you? 334 00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:46,600 Every wasp likes a bit of jam because it's sweet. They love sugary things, as do I. 335 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:49,760 You know when you find a bee and it's crawling on its last legs? 336 00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:51,840 I rescue them. You give it honey. 337 00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:55,920 The only thing they eat. Makes sense when you think about it. 338 00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:58,280 Yeah! Yeah! 339 00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:00,720 No point just talking to it. Give it honey. 340 00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:04,480 They're very much a one-recipe species, aren't they? That's all they eat. 341 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:08,560 I'm intrigued because I generally give it the sole of my shoe 342 00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:10,880 but er... you know. 343 00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:12,720 Not to be harsh but you know... 344 00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:15,080 You tread on a struggling, crawling bee? 345 00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:18,840 What? As opposed to rehabilitating it? 346 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:23,400 I like honey, I have it on my porridge, you murderer. 347 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:26,720 Yeah, but... We depend on bees. We need the bees. 348 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,160 OK, so in future I should lure the bee back... 349 00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:32,080 I'm sorry, do I get a syringe of honey? A tiny amount? 350 00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:35,360 How do I feed a bee? Get a teaspoon of honey, leave it with it. 351 00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:39,040 Don't tread on it. Should be a criminal offence. You should be arrested. 352 00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:42,200 You should be locked up. You know where? In a hive. 353 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:46,320 Isn't it true, though, that a bee, in its entire lifetime, 354 00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:51,680 makes an absolutely tiny amount of honey overall? A minute amount. It's just that there's lots of them. 355 00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:55,680 So you don't have to give much rehabilitating honey to this bee 356 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:59,160 before the nation, the world, is making a net loss. 357 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:01,120 LAUGHTER That's true! 358 00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:06,680 But they're not... If you only get one teaspoon from a bee's lifetime, 359 00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:09,680 and to get it back on its feet. it takes a teaspoon and a half, 360 00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:11,520 suddenly there's no honey at all. 361 00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:15,480 This is more honey than this bee has seen in its life. 362 00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:18,520 Yes. You're insulting it, apart from anything else. 363 00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:22,280 It's like showing a very tired mason a whole cathedral. 364 00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:27,920 Well, may... APPLAUSE 365 00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:35,080 Well... Let's say that you're in between Alan and Dara. 366 00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:38,360 So like Alan, you want to help the bee, give it honey, 367 00:22:38,360 --> 00:22:41,320 like Dara, you also want to kill, kill, kill. 368 00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:45,520 What you can do is you get what I would term too much honey 369 00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:50,120 and you see the bee and you pour molten honey... No! 370 00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:51,680 Hear me out. All right, OK. 371 00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:54,800 And then you watch him die a slow... 372 00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:57,400 Yes, I carry on with "No!" 373 00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:00,320 Yes, I've now heard you out. Yes? And it's no better. 374 00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:03,800 That's from the both of them. That's worse than what I did. 375 00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:06,040 You're being humane, are you? Yeah, I am. 376 00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:12,360 You're getting a kick out of it. I'm not drowning the bee ironically in honey. 377 00:23:12,360 --> 00:23:13,520 You can't drown bees. 378 00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:18,560 "You want some honey? How much honey do you want? Is this too much honey?" 379 00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:23,320 Not so keen on the honey now, are you? After your lifetime making honey. 380 00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:27,160 You may try and drown bees, Dara, but I will follow you... 381 00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:30,320 I would never drown a bee! 382 00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:33,760 He's a bee-drowner! 383 00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:37,440 If there's a bee in a bath 384 00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:42,360 I don't then go, "Right, get the shoe!" 385 00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:45,320 Your murder is based on circumstance. 386 00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:48,520 If there's a bee that looks as if it's on its way out, 387 00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:51,320 and going, "Drvzzz, drvzzzz, drvzzz"... 388 00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:54,600 The Swiss surgery of bee-keeping, are you? Essentially, yes! 389 00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:57,600 You're trying to give them dignity. Dignitas for bees. 390 00:23:57,600 --> 00:24:00,520 Dignibuzz! 391 00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:03,080 It's what the bee would have wanted! 392 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:08,520 Very good. Well, thank you for that er... 393 00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:12,200 interesting, fierce and, I think, productive debate. 394 00:24:13,280 --> 00:24:16,000 I feel pleased with that. We're going to move on, now. 395 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:18,360 The best place, as you didn't quite point out, 396 00:24:18,360 --> 00:24:22,280 to find a new species of plant or animal is in your back garden. 397 00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:24,920 Who finds garden gnomes attractive? 398 00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:30,400 I do. And it's lovely... It's lovely to get the opportunity to admit it in public. 399 00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:31,600 Good. Yeah. 400 00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:34,280 Phwoar, look at that... ALARM HOOTER 401 00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:37,720 APPLAUSE 402 00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:42,920 We knew you... We knew you too well, Rob. 403 00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:46,720 We knew that an Ann Widdecombe gnome would immediately appeal to you. 404 00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:49,520 The bikini's a little bit too small for her. 405 00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:52,680 There's a little bit of overhang there. 406 00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:56,440 But she's had a Brazilian which is thoughtful. 407 00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:01,160 I hate when it goes out... Vile. 408 00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:03,320 The sprouting gnome is not a good thing. 409 00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:09,120 When did gnomes first arrive in British gardens? Do you know? 410 00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:12,280 1922. Bit earlier than that, actually. 411 00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:18,960 1847. And there was a strange man called Charles Isham, who was a vegetarian spiritualist, 412 00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:23,120 who believed that putting ornamental garden gnomes into a garden 413 00:25:23,120 --> 00:25:26,360 would attract real gnomes, that was his sad... 414 00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:28,840 Did he wish to try and kill real gnomes? 415 00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:32,040 No, he wanted to commune with them. Did he want to trap them? 416 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:34,560 He said, "Seeing gnomes is not mental delusion, 417 00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:36,800 "but extension of faculty." 418 00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:40,520 Right. It's lovely being clever when you're mental. 419 00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:41,600 Yes. 420 00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:45,920 This man, Charles Isham, he introduced 21 porcelain gnomes, 421 00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:49,240 of which one still exists and there it is - the original garden gnome. 422 00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:52,120 It's been insured for some £1 million. 423 00:25:52,120 --> 00:25:55,600 The red cap, which is a feature of all gnomes, it seems - 424 00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:59,640 and you may think there is a family resemblance to that chap and Doc 425 00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:03,160 or one of the other dwarves in Snow White And The Seven Dwarves - 426 00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:08,320 and they were based on this idea that German gnomes or dwarves 427 00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:10,760 had these red caps because they were miners 428 00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:12,480 and German miners wore red caps. 429 00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:16,840 There were in Wastwater in the Lake District, 430 00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:22,880 there were, at 48 metres, there were a whole load of gnomes set deep down for divers to look at. 431 00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:26,320 Three people drowned trying to go and look for them, 432 00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:28,200 so the police took them away. 433 00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:33,120 And the gnome garden was put back at 50 metres this time, 434 00:26:33,120 --> 00:26:34,600 just 2 metres deeper, 435 00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:36,760 and the police didn't take it away. 436 00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:38,680 Can you imagine why that would be? 437 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:43,280 If they took it away when it was 48 metres and three people drowned, why would they leave it? 438 00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:46,040 Maybe it's a visibility thing. Good effort, but no. 439 00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:48,160 It's too far for the police divers. 440 00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:51,760 The police health and safety people won't let them dive that low, 441 00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:54,760 so the police couldn't recover them from that depth. 442 00:26:56,840 --> 00:27:00,480 That is... That is funny, actually. It is funny. 443 00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:01,840 It somehow is. 444 00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:06,080 Can you imagine, though, if you're able and you don't mind the risk, 445 00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:09,840 why would you choose to do it in a place where instead of seeing a coral reef 446 00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:14,760 or the fantastic wonders of the deep, all you can see is manky old gnomes? 447 00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:17,840 I think the idea was that the lake was incredibly dull 448 00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:22,840 and that people who were practising diving, it was to make it brighter and more interesting. 449 00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:25,240 I've dived for a few years. 450 00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:29,040 Most places are a long way, away in hot countries. 451 00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:33,720 You have to fly and stay in hotels. If you want to dive here there's really very little to see. 452 00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:36,720 In the dive centre in Leicester, there's a big quarry, 453 00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:39,560 and they've put an old aeroplane in it and a bus. Yeah. 454 00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:44,520 Of course, in Scapa Flow there's a scuttled German fleet for you to go and investigate. 455 00:27:44,520 --> 00:27:49,200 Yes. Chilly. A bit chilly. At the end of the First World War, wasn't it? 456 00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:52,640 The allies were all arguing about who were to get this fleet 457 00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:56,040 and we wanted the fleet because we had the biggest fleet... 458 00:27:56,040 --> 00:28:00,320 And Mummy said, "If you're going to argue, no-one will get the fleet." 459 00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:03,120 I didn't know that we sunk the French fleet. We did, yes. 460 00:28:03,120 --> 00:28:05,680 That was much to the annoyance of Charles de Gaulle 461 00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:07,640 but it stopped the Germans getting it. 462 00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:10,920 Also, you don't get many opportunities to sink the French fleet. 463 00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:15,880 So when the French fleet is just sitting there and it's not going to return fire, 464 00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:20,400 you kind of go, "It's the French fleet, it's just there! I've got to sink it. 465 00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:23,960 "Never mind that we're at war with Germany, it's the French fleet. 466 00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:26,080 "We will kick ourselves." 467 00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:31,280 Where was the French fleet when this happened? I think it was off the coast of Morocco. 468 00:28:31,280 --> 00:28:33,320 Why not sail it to England? 469 00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:38,560 We said, "Sail it to England," but the French sailors refused, as they always will. 470 00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:42,920 And option B was, "Let's just sink the boat, then." 471 00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:46,560 Was it not explained to them that the only other option was...? 472 00:28:46,560 --> 00:28:50,560 The third option was to drown them in honey but we couldn't get... 473 00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:53,800 couldn't get enough honey there in time, so... 474 00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:57,440 Yeah. A black chapter amongst many other black chapters 475 00:28:57,440 --> 00:29:01,840 in that sad, melancholy period of history, the war, but er... 476 00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:06,120 On that... On that... melancholy note, 477 00:29:06,120 --> 00:29:09,240 the man who brought garden gnomes to England 478 00:29:09,240 --> 00:29:12,360 did so in the hope of attracting real gnomes to his garden. 479 00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:16,680 Why do American farmers, gentlemen, hate Shakespeare? 480 00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:20,880 There's a picture of American farmers hating Shakespeare. 481 00:29:22,080 --> 00:29:26,480 Something to do with Shakespeare caused immense trouble for American farming. 482 00:29:26,480 --> 00:29:29,040 It's not Shakespeare's fault at all. 483 00:29:29,040 --> 00:29:33,240 Not some farming practice that's hidden away in the sonnets? 484 00:29:33,240 --> 00:29:37,840 It was an eccentric drug manufacturer called Eugene Schieffelin. 485 00:29:37,840 --> 00:29:42,040 And he decided that America should contain examples 486 00:29:42,040 --> 00:29:45,920 of every bird species named in the works of Shakespeare. 487 00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:49,680 And one particular species didn't exist in America... Ah! 488 00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:54,040 ..and he thought, "Oh, I'll introduce these," and he introduced 100 to Central Park 489 00:29:54,040 --> 00:29:59,040 and there are now estimated something like 200 million of them. 490 00:29:59,040 --> 00:30:02,320 It's not the common pigeon, is it? No. 491 00:30:02,320 --> 00:30:06,680 They come in huge flocks. Geese, ducks... Starlings. Starlings is the right answer. 492 00:30:06,680 --> 00:30:08,520 They don't like them because they eat the seeds? 493 00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:15,320 They eat everything... Would they eat a seed ball or seed gun though? 494 00:30:15,320 --> 00:30:18,480 If you point the seed gun at them, I think they'd fly away. 495 00:30:18,480 --> 00:30:22,160 What they do is, they befoul everything that they don't eat, 496 00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:24,840 they're in such huge flocks, vast flocks. 497 00:30:24,840 --> 00:30:28,200 I was on Brighton pier one time and they have lots of starlings there 498 00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:32,560 and at dusk they do that, and it's really amazing to watch. Yeah. 499 00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:36,240 And someone said that starlings come from hundreds of miles away 500 00:30:36,240 --> 00:30:40,280 to join in... The flock. ..this coastal flocking. Yeah. 501 00:30:40,280 --> 00:30:43,040 And they come from as far away as Germany and Poland. 502 00:30:43,040 --> 00:30:47,480 A lot of the Polish ones are coming over here now and taking away the... 503 00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:49,520 a lot of the British starlings' jobs. 504 00:30:49,520 --> 00:30:53,600 You'll see a lot of the British just sat on the prom going, "Bloody typical." 505 00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:56,800 But they're lazy, British starlings - they don't want to work. 506 00:30:56,800 --> 00:30:59,960 They could and join in but they won't, will they? Typical. 507 00:30:59,960 --> 00:31:03,080 You're right. The flocks are up to 1 million, some of them, 508 00:31:03,080 --> 00:31:04,520 I mean, enormous flocks. 509 00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:08,320 And are they just having fun or is it a way of eating? 510 00:31:08,320 --> 00:31:13,280 No, in the case of fish, I know, what they're really doing is presenting an enormous fish 511 00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:16,600 that sort of glistens and frightens some predators 512 00:31:16,600 --> 00:31:19,160 and in other cases, it confuses and dazzles 513 00:31:19,160 --> 00:31:23,680 and they're a lot safer... Starlings are basically scared of sharks 514 00:31:23,680 --> 00:31:28,080 and a shark may leap up at the West Pier... 515 00:31:28,080 --> 00:31:31,440 You may laugh, but when was a starling last killed by a shark? 516 00:31:31,440 --> 00:31:35,000 It works. You're absolutely right. It's 100%... 517 00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:39,840 "It is 100% proven that this shall keep us safe from sharks. Come on, boys." 518 00:31:39,840 --> 00:31:43,160 Voom! And they're like that. So, good, excellent. 519 00:31:43,160 --> 00:31:48,280 Starlings were brought to America in an attempt to introduce all the birds in Shakespeare to the US. 520 00:31:48,280 --> 00:31:49,640 They're now a major pest. 521 00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:53,840 Which is correct of these? 522 00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:56,640 It's grocers' apostrophe. Why does this annoy people? 523 00:31:56,640 --> 00:32:00,120 They're all right. Of course they're all conceivably right. 524 00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:04,320 Oh, is it that obvious? It's a way of asking whether you care about apostrophes. 525 00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:08,000 The grocers' apostrophe is... They put them where they shouldn't be. 526 00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:11,720 They put, like, "potato's" and put an apostrophe there or something. 527 00:32:11,720 --> 00:32:16,680 This doesn't bother you, does it? It doesn't bother me. It bothers me. It bothers some people. 528 00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:20,880 It's not like genocide. People get incredibly annoyed and they form societies 529 00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:22,960 for the protection of the apostrophe. 530 00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:25,680 There's one in Dublin, I don't know if it's a grocer, 531 00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:30,480 but it's G-R-O-C-E-R and then there's a comma and then the S. 532 00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:33,800 And you're going, "You knew something had to go in there. 533 00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:36,640 "You knew something had to go in there but you couldn't..." 534 00:32:36,640 --> 00:32:39,360 And it's like... It looks like a dead apostrophe. 535 00:32:39,360 --> 00:32:40,720 It looks... LAUGHTER 536 00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:44,160 But this guy had printed the sign. 537 00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:46,400 He'd obviously written out 538 00:32:46,400 --> 00:32:50,080 and gone to a sign-printing company, who went "All right, whatever." 539 00:32:51,400 --> 00:32:56,720 You'd think one of the requirements of being a sign-printing company 540 00:32:56,720 --> 00:32:59,640 is having a basic knowledge of where an apostrophe goes. 541 00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:01,360 They know, I'm convinced. 542 00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:05,320 All sign writing companies know, for example, how to spell accommodation. 543 00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:06,600 They must do. Yes! 544 00:33:06,600 --> 00:33:09,560 I reckon they say, "OK, we'll do a sign for your guest house. 545 00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:11,440 "Would you like our normal service 546 00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:15,560 "or our deluxe, five times the price service, where we check the spelling?" 547 00:33:15,560 --> 00:33:20,080 Everyone goes, "We're not going to pay five times as much for you to check the spelling." 548 00:33:20,080 --> 00:33:26,440 They go, "OK. We're going to paint the word accommodation the way you've put it there," 549 00:33:26,440 --> 00:33:29,800 in the knowledge they'll have to get called back all the sooner 550 00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:32,280 when the people realise they've got it wrong. 551 00:33:32,280 --> 00:33:36,040 Every time you see "accommodation" properly painted and misspelt, 552 00:33:36,040 --> 00:33:37,400 the sign writer knew. 553 00:33:37,400 --> 00:33:41,520 He put it up there wrong knowing he'd get a repeat gig. 554 00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:44,840 You can see how long he's been looking for a flat, can't you? 555 00:33:47,040 --> 00:33:49,880 There are very few situations in which this is vital. 556 00:33:49,880 --> 00:33:53,120 Rarely will you run in and go, "Where are the grocers?" 557 00:33:53,120 --> 00:33:57,400 And they go, "Well, there's only me." "But your sign implied there was more than one." 558 00:33:57,400 --> 00:34:01,240 Exactly. Exactly. You're so right. 559 00:34:01,240 --> 00:34:05,680 "I'm looking for three grocers." "Yes, that's the minimum I need, not just one." 560 00:34:05,680 --> 00:34:10,320 People have been ridiculing what's called the grocer's apostrophe since the 18th century. 561 00:34:10,320 --> 00:34:14,680 The Oxford Companion To The English Language notes that "there was never a golden age 562 00:34:14,680 --> 00:34:17,960 "in which the rules for the use of the possessive apostrophe 563 00:34:17,960 --> 00:34:22,480 "were clear-cut and known understood and followed by most educated people." Never. 564 00:34:22,480 --> 00:34:27,520 So some people have, like Birmingham, abolished the apostrophe. I read about this. 565 00:34:27,520 --> 00:34:31,040 Now, are there any places in America where they have an apostrophe? 566 00:34:31,040 --> 00:34:34,720 They have places that are called Something's Creek. Yeah. 567 00:34:34,720 --> 00:34:37,080 Dawson's Creek. Yeah, for example. 568 00:34:37,080 --> 00:34:40,200 Only five places in the whole US have an apostrophe. 569 00:34:40,200 --> 00:34:42,760 One you might have heard of, it's well known, 570 00:34:42,760 --> 00:34:47,240 it's a tourist resort on the East Coast, very upmarket, in New England. 571 00:34:47,240 --> 00:34:49,600 Martha's Vineyard. Martha's Vineyard. 572 00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:52,560 That has an apostrophe and there are four others. 573 00:34:52,560 --> 00:34:55,160 Dave's Vineyard. 574 00:34:55,160 --> 00:34:57,520 Martha's Garden, Martha's Kitchen... 575 00:34:57,520 --> 00:34:59,960 There's Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts. 576 00:34:59,960 --> 00:35:01,840 There's Ike's Point, New Jersey. 577 00:35:01,840 --> 00:35:05,960 The captions are nowhere near where the places are, as you can see. 578 00:35:05,960 --> 00:35:08,640 John E's Pond, Rhode Island. 579 00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:12,000 Carlos Elmer's Joshua View, Arizona. 580 00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:15,000 Clark's Mountain, Oregon, and those are the only ones. 581 00:35:15,000 --> 00:35:19,240 So everywhere else, they said, "Don't bother with the apostrophe, it's confusing, 582 00:35:19,240 --> 00:35:22,320 "makes it not look like a place name." Yeah. It would seem so. 583 00:35:22,320 --> 00:35:25,880 I wouldn't bother with "Carlos Elmer's". Joshua View works fine. 584 00:35:25,880 --> 00:35:29,400 Why do you need Carlos Elmer's specific view of Joshua? 585 00:35:30,480 --> 00:35:32,840 Let's get Joshua up, let's have a look at him. 586 00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:36,560 We don't have to take Carlos Elmer's view. It's a fine view of Joshua. 587 00:35:36,560 --> 00:35:39,480 Anyway, there you are, that's enough apostrophe-ing. 588 00:35:39,480 --> 00:35:42,280 Many people are annoyed by punctuation errors in signs 589 00:35:42,280 --> 00:35:46,040 but for others, grocers are at the forefront of the evolution of language. 590 00:35:46,040 --> 00:35:49,280 How can you be sure that an apple isn't actually a pear, 591 00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:51,760 without tasting it or opening it up? 592 00:35:51,760 --> 00:35:55,640 Are some apples deformed into a sort of pear-shaped way? 593 00:35:55,640 --> 00:35:59,680 There are round pears. That is a very pear-like one there. 594 00:35:59,680 --> 00:36:02,680 That's clearly a pear, I think, but there are round ones. 595 00:36:02,680 --> 00:36:05,880 Is it that you can't do that twisting thing with an apple? 596 00:36:05,880 --> 00:36:08,760 I think pear stems do tend to come off more quickly 597 00:36:08,760 --> 00:36:11,520 but there is an interesting way and that is... Ah! 598 00:36:11,520 --> 00:36:14,960 Ah! Ah! One floats and one doesn't. Which one floats? 599 00:36:14,960 --> 00:36:19,640 Apples float. Apples float. Bobbing for apples, exactly. 600 00:36:19,640 --> 00:36:23,040 This had better work. I'm going to be so embarrassed if it doesn't. 601 00:36:23,040 --> 00:36:25,200 ALAN: Oh, it's like Brainiac. 602 00:36:25,200 --> 00:36:27,600 Whoa! Float! Wow, it's gone really big. 603 00:36:27,600 --> 00:36:29,840 It floats. Wow! Why is that? 604 00:36:29,840 --> 00:36:32,200 A pear. That's a weird looking pear. 605 00:36:32,200 --> 00:36:34,120 Erm... How dare you? 606 00:36:37,800 --> 00:36:39,600 That's wrong. 607 00:36:39,600 --> 00:36:40,960 OK. 608 00:36:42,560 --> 00:36:44,240 Ooh... 609 00:36:44,240 --> 00:36:46,280 Ah! Success. 610 00:36:46,280 --> 00:36:49,040 There you are. Erm... APPLAUSE 611 00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:52,320 Yep, it seems that the pear is denser. 612 00:36:52,320 --> 00:36:55,560 It's odd. You think of them as sweeter and lighter 613 00:36:55,560 --> 00:36:58,320 but actually, they're structurally more dense. 614 00:36:58,320 --> 00:37:00,840 You may try this at home and get a floating pear 615 00:37:00,840 --> 00:37:03,720 or a sinking apple. Don't go to a greengrocer... 616 00:37:03,720 --> 00:37:08,200 Yes. Please don't write in. Write to the British Apostrophe Society. 617 00:37:09,080 --> 00:37:10,480 They'd love to know. 618 00:37:10,480 --> 00:37:13,440 So if someone invites you to play a game of pear bobbing, 619 00:37:13,440 --> 00:37:17,360 basically, they're trying to drown you, yes. 620 00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:19,040 Walk away! 621 00:37:19,040 --> 00:37:25,240 Up at Ullswater, they did pear-bobbing at about 50 metres, I think it was, 622 00:37:25,240 --> 00:37:29,000 but the police decided not to do it, it was too far for them. 623 00:37:29,000 --> 00:37:32,560 Invited by a load of strangely dressed dwarves to go pear-bobbing. 624 00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:35,520 But oddly enough... Oh, I'm going to put this back down. 625 00:37:35,520 --> 00:37:40,400 Oddly enough, the oldest variety of apple in England is called a...? 626 00:37:40,400 --> 00:37:42,320 Granny Smith, Bramley, Cox? 627 00:37:42,320 --> 00:37:43,600 No, a Pearmain. 628 00:37:43,600 --> 00:37:45,440 That brings us onto our next question. 629 00:37:45,440 --> 00:37:49,400 I went to the supermarket and all I wanted was a loaf of bread 630 00:37:49,400 --> 00:37:54,400 and some milk and I came back with a small jar of truffle oil... 631 00:37:54,400 --> 00:37:57,680 a pot of organic anchovy... I remember that day. Brilliant! 632 00:37:57,680 --> 00:37:59,200 LAUGHTER 633 00:37:59,200 --> 00:38:05,200 And a flagon of fermented essence of Vietnamese sucking goat and a small curly-headed chap. 634 00:38:06,040 --> 00:38:09,080 All I wanted was bread and milk. 635 00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:12,360 Early onset dementia, Stephen. That's what it is. 636 00:38:12,360 --> 00:38:15,920 They're with how they put things in aisles and catch you out. 637 00:38:15,920 --> 00:38:19,560 You end up with a Swiss roll you had no intention of buying! 638 00:38:19,560 --> 00:38:22,240 There's a huge science to the placing of products. 639 00:38:22,240 --> 00:38:25,160 There's a thing called the Gruen transfer. 640 00:38:25,160 --> 00:38:29,360 Victor Gruen was considered the father of this whole business. 641 00:38:29,360 --> 00:38:32,760 Apparently men buy things from higher up. 642 00:38:32,760 --> 00:38:34,840 They're also more likely to pay more. 643 00:38:34,840 --> 00:38:39,520 So, everyday things that women are more likely to buy are at 3-4 feet, 644 00:38:39,520 --> 00:38:42,120 the more expensive premium goods are higher up. 645 00:38:42,120 --> 00:38:46,320 The men will pluck those, "Yeah, that's the most expensive, it must be the best." 646 00:38:46,320 --> 00:38:48,040 Cos we're stupid like that! 647 00:38:48,040 --> 00:38:50,560 And women will say, that's a good price, I'll get that. 648 00:38:50,560 --> 00:38:55,280 And they play different music because you're price sensitive 649 00:38:55,280 --> 00:38:57,160 at different times of the day. 650 00:38:57,160 --> 00:39:00,560 It's more sedate in the afternoon 651 00:39:00,560 --> 00:39:04,080 but by before they close they speed up the music 652 00:39:04,080 --> 00:39:06,600 in order to make you shop faster. 653 00:39:06,600 --> 00:39:09,400 And also the people go, beep, beep, beep, quicker 654 00:39:09,400 --> 00:39:11,120 as the music develops a beat. 655 00:39:11,120 --> 00:39:14,880 DAVID: Start playing the Crimson Tide music. 656 00:39:14,880 --> 00:39:17,680 People shop like their lives depend on it. 657 00:39:17,680 --> 00:39:21,000 We're all victim to this. 658 00:39:21,000 --> 00:39:24,360 I like to think of myself as an independently minded person 659 00:39:24,360 --> 00:39:29,760 I've gone into these shops wanting four things and come out with 20. 660 00:39:29,760 --> 00:39:32,200 They make them look nice, then you go home and enjoy them. 661 00:39:32,200 --> 00:39:34,880 It's not like you go, "This is just tar!" 662 00:39:34,880 --> 00:39:39,800 Why the hell did they make me buy this. It's still a packet of biscuits. 663 00:39:39,800 --> 00:39:43,440 "Thank God I bought that nice packet of biscuits, I'll have that now." 664 00:39:43,440 --> 00:39:45,360 There's an element of that. 665 00:39:45,360 --> 00:39:51,480 ..as if they've been foisted upon us. "Ha, ha, ha. They've bought our tar biscuits again!" 666 00:39:53,680 --> 00:39:57,440 Take all the good things off the shelves, only tar from here on. 667 00:39:57,440 --> 00:39:59,760 That's enough about that. 668 00:39:59,760 --> 00:40:03,960 Shops have a number of tricks in order to trick us into buying things we don't need. 669 00:40:03,960 --> 00:40:07,440 When you've fallen for them, you're the victim of a Gruen transfer. 670 00:40:07,440 --> 00:40:13,000 And now it's time for five items or fewer of General Ignorance. Fingers on buzzers. 671 00:40:13,000 --> 00:40:15,320 What are trees made of? SHOP BELL TINGS 672 00:40:15,320 --> 00:40:17,000 Wood! Is the right answer. 673 00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:18,920 Yes, well done! APPLAUSE 674 00:40:18,920 --> 00:40:20,480 You were lucky! 675 00:40:21,200 --> 00:40:25,520 You see? And what is wood made of? 676 00:40:25,520 --> 00:40:27,120 Erm... Er... 677 00:40:27,560 --> 00:40:29,600 Carbon? Yes. 678 00:40:29,600 --> 00:40:32,720 And where does the carbon come from? The earth. 679 00:40:32,720 --> 00:40:34,000 The earth? Yeah. 680 00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:36,400 ALARM SOUNDS Oh! 681 00:40:38,840 --> 00:40:43,840 No, you'd think what makes up a tree was drawn up from the soil in nutrients... It's air, is it? 682 00:40:43,840 --> 00:40:49,320 The vast majority of everything that makes a tree a tree comes from the air, yeah. 683 00:40:49,320 --> 00:40:53,400 Photosynthesis, which breaks down the air, and leaves the carbon 684 00:40:53,400 --> 00:40:56,280 and that's the carbon in a tree, so it is made of carbon. 685 00:40:56,280 --> 00:40:58,920 But it's quite surprising, isn't it? Good. 686 00:40:58,920 --> 00:41:01,520 What makes Australian spiders so dangerous? 687 00:41:01,520 --> 00:41:05,040 It's their cunning and their organisation, Stephen. 688 00:41:05,040 --> 00:41:07,880 The fact they're willing to put the man hours in. Yeah! 689 00:41:07,880 --> 00:41:10,160 They will stalk you for weeks, 690 00:41:10,160 --> 00:41:12,640 they'll look for patterns in your behaviour 691 00:41:12,640 --> 00:41:15,080 and they'll strike when you least expect it. 692 00:41:15,080 --> 00:41:17,960 Just as you're hovering over a poorly bee, 693 00:41:17,960 --> 00:41:20,080 holding a shoe high, 694 00:41:20,080 --> 00:41:21,920 one'll come and bite you in the bum. 695 00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:25,200 You mean the spider is working with the bee? Yes. 696 00:41:25,200 --> 00:41:30,560 The bee is saying, "There's not much longer left for me, we'll have a bit of fun here, come on, bite him." 697 00:41:30,560 --> 00:41:33,400 So is it that they sort of hide in loos? 698 00:41:33,400 --> 00:41:35,000 Well, not deliberately 699 00:41:35,000 --> 00:41:38,560 but the only real danger they seem to threat these days 700 00:41:38,560 --> 00:41:42,760 since 1981, when antivenoms were introduced all round Australia... 701 00:41:42,760 --> 00:41:46,760 There are two very poisonous types, the redback and the funnel-web. 702 00:41:46,760 --> 00:41:50,160 The redback's very common. Is it the reaction, the way people...? 703 00:41:50,160 --> 00:41:55,120 No-one has died from a spider bite since 1981, no-one in Australia, 704 00:41:55,120 --> 00:41:58,840 but people have been in accidents, which have been fatal some of them 705 00:41:58,840 --> 00:42:00,560 and have caused enormous damage, 706 00:42:00,560 --> 00:42:04,440 from spiders that have dropped out of sun visors in cars 707 00:42:04,440 --> 00:42:07,920 and people have gone, "Uh!" like that and then crashed. 708 00:42:07,920 --> 00:42:10,840 So that's their danger, now, not their venom. 709 00:42:10,840 --> 00:42:14,160 And so it's time for our guests to reap what they have sown. 710 00:42:14,160 --> 00:42:16,560 I'm going to have a look at the old scoreboard. 711 00:42:16,560 --> 00:42:18,720 Oh, my goodnight. 712 00:42:18,720 --> 00:42:21,480 It's a tie for first place, ladies and gentlemen. 713 00:42:21,480 --> 00:42:23,720 That hasn't happened for a very long time, 714 00:42:23,720 --> 00:42:25,880 not since all round here was green fields. 715 00:42:25,880 --> 00:42:27,080 Erm... 716 00:42:27,080 --> 00:42:30,240 And in first place it's the two Ds with three points each, 717 00:42:30,240 --> 00:42:32,000 Dara and David! 718 00:42:32,000 --> 00:42:33,440 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 719 00:42:33,440 --> 00:42:35,520 Congratulations. 720 00:42:37,600 --> 00:42:42,800 In a very... In a very creditable third place, smelling of roses still, 721 00:42:42,800 --> 00:42:45,200 at minus 6, it's Rob Brydon. 722 00:42:45,200 --> 00:42:48,280 APPLAUSE 723 00:42:48,280 --> 00:42:51,240 And going down to the bottom of the garden to eat worms, 724 00:42:51,240 --> 00:42:53,160 with minus eight, is Alan Davies. 725 00:42:53,160 --> 00:42:54,760 CHEERING 726 00:42:54,760 --> 00:42:57,080 Ah, dear. 727 00:43:00,840 --> 00:43:04,120 So that's it from Rob, Dara, David, Alan and me 728 00:43:04,120 --> 00:43:06,840 and I leave you with a quotation from Eric Morecambe. 729 00:43:06,840 --> 00:43:09,480 "My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower 730 00:43:09,480 --> 00:43:11,200 "and I told him of course he could, 731 00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:13,640 "so long as he didn't take it out of my garden." 732 00:43:14,640 --> 00:43:15,960 Thank you and goodnight. 733 00:43:15,960 --> 00:43:18,120 APPLAUSE 734 00:43:37,800 --> 00:43:39,640 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 735 00:43:39,640 --> 00:43:41,240 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net