1 00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:26,240 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:35,640 Good evening. Good evening. Good evening. Good evening and welcome 3 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:40,400 to QI. The 640-pound gorilla of panel shows. 4 00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:43,960 Joining me in the quite interesting enclosure in the zoo tonight 5 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:46,120 are a magnificent silverback, Bill Bailey. 6 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:49,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 7 00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:52,720 A majestic alpha male, Sean Lock. 8 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:56,080 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 9 00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:59,840 An exotic bird of paradise, Sandi Toksvig. 10 00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:03,320 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:08,000 And our faithful old curly-haired retriever, Alan Davies. 12 00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:10,360 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 13 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:18,760 But for tonight only, an extra treat, all the way from America, it's Mr John Hodgman. 14 00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:20,960 APPLAUSE 15 00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:29,000 Now, each of their buzzers is more beastly than the next. Bill goes... 16 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,040 APES SCREECH 17 00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:33,680 Sean goes... 18 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:36,000 CHIMPS SCREAM 19 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:37,600 Sandi goes... 20 00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:40,320 PARROTS SCREECH 21 00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:42,280 Alan goes... 22 00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:46,120 PUPPY YAPS 23 00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:51,600 And because he doesn't have a built-in mushroom-oid, John goes... 24 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:53,840 DUCK QUACKS 25 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:58,480 Tonight, we are on the hunt for G animals. 26 00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:02,080 Any animals that start with a G are fair game. 27 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:03,920 What use is a goose? 28 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:07,320 PARROTS SCREECH Sandi Toksvig? 29 00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:09,440 Is it toilet paper? LAUGHTER 30 00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:10,520 No, no. Seriously. 31 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:15,880 Sandi, that is bizarre. Why did you say that? 32 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:17,960 I once read this book by Rabelais. 33 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:19,480 It was called Gargantua. 34 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:26,040 And he recommended that the best thing for toilet paper was a live goose. 35 00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:31,000 And I have yet to check into a five-star hotel without a sense of disappointment. 36 00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:35,120 I have the quotation from Rabelais's Gargantua. 37 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:38,520 I'll give it to you in full because it's pretty extraordinary. 38 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:41,520 "I have, answered Gargantua, by a long and curious experience 39 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:46,440 "found out a means to wipe my bum. The most lordly, the most excellent and the most convenient 40 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:50,120 "that was ever seen. I wipe my tail with a hen, with a cock, 41 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:54,480 "with a pullet, with a calf's skin, with a hare, with a pigeon, with a cormorant, 42 00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:57,600 "with an attorney's bag, with a montero..." whatever that is! 43 00:02:57,600 --> 00:03:01,160 The inside of his toilet must have a whole load of... 44 00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:03,640 "..with a falconer's lure..." 45 00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:06,240 And that's why he was thrown out of the pet shop. 46 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:10,200 You're barred. Get out! 47 00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:12,280 Come on! 48 00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:15,480 I've told you before. "But to conclude, 49 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:22,400 "I say and maintain that of all the torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail napkins, 50 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:28,120 "bunghole cleansers and wipe breeches, there is none in the world comparable 51 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:31,800 "to the neck of a goose that is well-downed, 52 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:34,240 "if you hold her head betwixt your legs. 53 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:39,520 "And, believe me, therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole, 54 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,840 "a most wonderful pleasure..." Yes. 55 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:46,000 "..where in regard of the softness of said down and of the temperate heat of the goose, 56 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:50,200 "which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest of the inwards, 57 00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:53,760 "in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains." 58 00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:57,640 Why do we need swear words when you've got nockhole? 59 00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:05,240 Can I say one thing, is it alive? I fear it probably is. 60 00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:07,800 That adds a frisson to it. It has to be alive. 61 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,920 Then you can turn it and laugh in its face. 62 00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:13,960 Ha-ha! 63 00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:16,840 We are the master race! 64 00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:22,880 People have been saying for years, "What's wrong with geese? Why are they so furious?" 65 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:24,680 Now we know. 66 00:04:33,380 --> 00:04:38,620 If there were one animal that I would never put anywhere near my bum, it would be a goose. 67 00:04:38,620 --> 00:04:42,300 There's so many other animals you don't want near your nockhole. Scorpion. 68 00:04:42,300 --> 00:04:44,500 No, that could be fun. 69 00:04:44,500 --> 00:04:48,740 Get a scorpion to do it and he can get all those tricky little nibbly bits. 70 00:04:48,740 --> 00:04:50,740 Oh! 71 00:04:50,740 --> 00:04:54,380 He's got the claws. 72 00:04:54,380 --> 00:04:56,740 It's not absorbent enough. 73 00:04:56,740 --> 00:04:58,980 What about a hedgehog? Is that absorbent? 74 00:04:58,980 --> 00:05:02,380 That would get all the bits and it's absorbent. 75 00:05:02,380 --> 00:05:06,620 You could get the bits with the top half and whip it round and get the... 76 00:05:06,620 --> 00:05:10,180 Brilliant. Brilliant. You may be on to something. 77 00:05:10,180 --> 00:05:15,620 Sounds absurd, but we have just heard that a man did wipe his arse with a goose. 78 00:05:15,620 --> 00:05:18,140 So I think you're right - one to wipe, one to polish. 79 00:05:18,140 --> 00:05:20,580 Yeah. Perfect. 80 00:05:20,580 --> 00:05:23,020 There are other things geese can do. Goose fat. 81 00:05:23,020 --> 00:05:25,500 What do you use goose fat for? Frying potatoes. 82 00:05:25,500 --> 00:05:30,100 Frying potatoes. The best roast potatoes possible. 83 00:05:30,100 --> 00:05:33,220 Another use for goose fat that used to be common. 84 00:05:33,220 --> 00:05:35,900 Ca... Um... David Walliams, if I was to say. 85 00:05:35,900 --> 00:05:38,060 Oh, swimming. Swimming the channel. 86 00:05:38,060 --> 00:05:42,100 They don't any more, because when they rescue people, they slip out of their grasp. 87 00:05:43,500 --> 00:05:48,420 Let's go... Watchdogs. Aren't they good watchdogs? They're great watchdogs. 88 00:05:48,420 --> 00:05:50,420 Better than a dog, apparently. 89 00:05:50,420 --> 00:05:54,180 Anything else? Um, a guide goose for the blind. 90 00:05:55,260 --> 00:05:59,060 A seeing-eye goose. 91 00:05:59,060 --> 00:06:01,940 In the world of weaponry, they were very popular for...? 92 00:06:01,940 --> 00:06:03,660 Aim. They had a brilliant aim. 93 00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:06,820 They have. Very steady hands. 94 00:06:06,820 --> 00:06:09,660 Who made a famous appearance at the Nottingham Goose Fair, 95 00:06:09,660 --> 00:06:12,020 according to legend? Robin Hood. Puff Daddy. 96 00:06:15,700 --> 00:06:19,260 It's like herding cats, isn't it? 97 00:06:19,260 --> 00:06:24,900 I once opened the goose fair. It was Robin Hood. Thank you. You're teacher's favourite tonight. 98 00:06:24,900 --> 00:06:28,340 And he was a goose? No, but what was Robin Hood famous for? 99 00:06:28,340 --> 00:06:29,900 Killing geese. 100 00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:33,420 Do that lovely mime again. 101 00:06:33,420 --> 00:06:38,300 This is wiping his bum with a goose. 102 00:06:38,300 --> 00:06:42,700 On the arrows. The fletching, exactly. The goose feathers on the arrows. 103 00:06:42,700 --> 00:06:46,700 Goose feathers for arrows, so that's a good one. Why has it got orange feet? 104 00:06:46,700 --> 00:06:50,260 Because they eat oranges. It's like flamingos with prawns. 105 00:06:50,260 --> 00:06:54,940 Geese eat oranges. Air safety. Air safety. 106 00:06:54,940 --> 00:06:58,060 So they can wave each other in. 107 00:07:00,380 --> 00:07:05,980 There's the bar-headed goose. They can fly unbelievable distances. 108 00:07:05,980 --> 00:07:09,140 Up to ten miles. They... And they can fly backwards. 109 00:07:09,140 --> 00:07:12,660 Thousands of miles, they fly. Their eyes tightly shut. 110 00:07:12,660 --> 00:07:17,020 They have a technique for increasing their range by 70%. 111 00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:20,060 What is it? Landing on a boat. 112 00:07:20,060 --> 00:07:23,180 Landing on what? On a boat. 113 00:07:24,500 --> 00:07:26,740 Uh, no. It's not... 114 00:07:26,740 --> 00:07:31,460 Imagining that before man had any method of technological transport. 115 00:07:31,460 --> 00:07:34,900 Gliding on hot air. Grabbing on to other... 116 00:07:34,900 --> 00:07:37,900 Lying. Birds used to lie about where they'd been. 117 00:07:37,900 --> 00:07:42,580 Yeah. I've been miles over there. They'd fly over the mountain and just wait there. 118 00:07:42,580 --> 00:07:44,540 HE WHISTLES 119 00:07:44,540 --> 00:07:47,180 When you see geese in the air, there's a shape. 120 00:07:47,180 --> 00:07:48,340 A V. A V formation. 121 00:07:48,340 --> 00:07:49,780 It reduces wind shear. 122 00:07:49,780 --> 00:07:53,100 Extra points to our popular American visitor. Exactly right. 123 00:07:53,100 --> 00:07:59,020 You're right. It's the vortices. It calms the air and all the ones behind have less to fight against. 124 00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:04,180 How do they take those photographs? Is it a passing parachutist, who says, "That's a bit of luck"? 125 00:08:04,180 --> 00:08:07,220 There's a goose going like that. 126 00:08:09,860 --> 00:08:12,300 He's got his phone out. 127 00:08:13,780 --> 00:08:14,900 That's a good one. 128 00:08:17,020 --> 00:08:21,180 Did I mention chimney sweeps? Oh, yeah. They fly up and whoosh! 129 00:08:21,180 --> 00:08:23,420 They're used as chimney sweeps. How? 130 00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:27,980 Don't you drop them from the top? Yeah. They used chickens for that. 131 00:08:27,980 --> 00:08:31,220 As they flap their wings, they clear the chimney. 132 00:08:31,220 --> 00:08:33,180 Mad badgers, as well. 133 00:08:36,900 --> 00:08:39,420 Do they use horses for that? Clean as a whistle. 134 00:08:39,420 --> 00:08:43,580 No, they don't use horses. It's a squeeze, but they get them down there. 135 00:08:43,580 --> 00:08:48,300 But the uses for gooses, or the "eese" of geese... 136 00:08:48,300 --> 00:08:50,420 Is the next question the habits of rabbits? 137 00:08:50,420 --> 00:08:53,780 Oh, I wish that it were. 138 00:08:53,780 --> 00:08:55,820 How far can you shove a dove? 139 00:08:58,380 --> 00:08:59,660 Hats of cats. 140 00:08:59,660 --> 00:09:01,540 That's my offer. 141 00:09:01,540 --> 00:09:05,300 Anyway the uses of gooses range from burglar alarms to chimney sweeps, 142 00:09:05,300 --> 00:09:08,580 not to mention excellent roast potatoes as John pointed out. 143 00:09:08,580 --> 00:09:11,300 Which brings us to giraffes. 144 00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:15,100 Tell me why giraffes have such short necks. 145 00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:18,620 Short necks? Mmm. Uh... Uh... 146 00:09:18,620 --> 00:09:22,460 Is that...? They've got long necks. 147 00:09:22,460 --> 00:09:26,540 Are you telling me that that long thing, leading up to their head is not their neck? 148 00:09:26,540 --> 00:09:30,700 No. That's their neck. Why would I say they had short necks? Because it's annoying. 149 00:09:32,380 --> 00:09:35,220 It's in relation to their legs, their necks are short. 150 00:09:35,220 --> 00:09:38,740 In order to drink water, most animals, like deer, 151 00:09:38,740 --> 00:09:43,660 they don't have to splay out in that very vulnerable and unbalanced 152 00:09:43,660 --> 00:09:46,380 and quite tricky position in order to have a sip of water, 153 00:09:46,380 --> 00:09:49,780 but if their necks were longer, they would just dip down and drink. 154 00:09:49,780 --> 00:09:52,540 Because their legs are so long is the point. 155 00:09:52,540 --> 00:09:56,740 I have had a stance like that, myself, in the odd public house. 156 00:09:56,740 --> 00:09:58,180 It looks familiar. 157 00:09:58,180 --> 00:10:03,020 Is that when you spill your pint on the floor? And I thought, "I'm not wasting that." 158 00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:09,940 It's important for it to have long legs, why is it important to have long legs? 159 00:10:09,940 --> 00:10:16,540 That might bring us to the next question - why do giraffes have such long necks? 160 00:10:16,540 --> 00:10:20,100 I presume so they can eat things in the trees. 161 00:10:20,100 --> 00:10:21,980 CLAXON SOUNDS 162 00:10:21,980 --> 00:10:25,020 Oh! To reach tree tops. 163 00:10:25,020 --> 00:10:26,820 Is that not true? 164 00:10:26,820 --> 00:10:33,740 Actually, they don't eat from the tops of trees. They bend their necks to eat. 165 00:10:33,740 --> 00:10:38,260 The giraffologist community is rather split along two lines. 166 00:10:38,260 --> 00:10:42,860 The real reason is, many people believe... See if you can guess. 167 00:10:42,860 --> 00:10:44,500 So many things... 168 00:10:44,500 --> 00:10:49,700 Seeing a long distance. Seeing over things. It's useful to see each other and over things. 169 00:10:49,700 --> 00:10:52,020 See who's on the top deck of the bus. 170 00:10:52,020 --> 00:10:54,220 People used to think they were solitary, 171 00:10:54,220 --> 00:10:58,100 but the groups were just very spread out because they can see each other. 172 00:10:58,100 --> 00:11:05,420 A lot of animals have things about them, the most notable thing about them is there for what reason? 173 00:11:05,420 --> 00:11:09,060 Why does a rhino have a horn? Why do deer have antlers? 174 00:11:09,060 --> 00:11:12,980 Do they fight? They fight. They fight other males. 175 00:11:12,980 --> 00:11:16,180 Ooh, ow! That's what they do. 176 00:11:16,180 --> 00:11:20,540 It's unbelievable. They can kill each other with one swipe of their neck. 177 00:11:20,540 --> 00:11:23,260 ALL: Ooh! 178 00:11:23,260 --> 00:11:25,020 Isn't that a shock? Come on! 179 00:11:25,020 --> 00:11:30,540 They're such graceful animals, but look at that. 180 00:11:30,540 --> 00:11:32,260 Quite a stupid sport, really. 181 00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:37,740 They haven't got the fundamental ducking principle. 182 00:11:39,060 --> 00:11:42,300 Just duck. Duck, now. 183 00:11:42,300 --> 00:11:46,740 This is like that footage show on ITV of town centres on a Friday night. 184 00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:49,340 People fighting at bus stops. 185 00:11:49,340 --> 00:11:53,740 They should clear Horse Guards and have this at the Olympics. Marvellous. 186 00:11:53,740 --> 00:11:56,540 Much better. Much more interesting. 187 00:11:56,540 --> 00:12:02,420 Can you imagine being a baby giraffe, on your way out and you think, "That's a long way down." 188 00:12:02,420 --> 00:12:04,500 Six foot. What? Six foot, they...? 189 00:12:04,500 --> 00:12:09,460 They are born the size of six foot and they drop head first out of their mother's...passage. 190 00:12:10,300 --> 00:12:13,300 That would affect you for life, I would have thought. 191 00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:15,580 Their necks are so long to stop the fall. 192 00:12:15,580 --> 00:12:17,340 Maybe you've got it once and for all. 193 00:12:17,340 --> 00:12:21,500 They plant those horns in the ground and stand on their heads until they can walk. 194 00:12:24,980 --> 00:12:27,820 Wait a minute. Evolution is amazing. > 195 00:12:29,180 --> 00:12:34,020 There are these beautiful animals. they're graceful and sweet and long-eyelashed 196 00:12:34,020 --> 00:12:36,740 and sexy and rather desirable in many ways. 197 00:12:36,740 --> 00:12:41,860 And they use their necks... It's a good job you're tall. 198 00:12:42,900 --> 00:12:46,940 Yes and giants use them in the latrines. 199 00:12:48,580 --> 00:12:51,780 What do giraffes eat? What is their main staple? 200 00:12:51,780 --> 00:12:53,220 Children. 201 00:12:53,220 --> 00:12:55,940 Not children. Leaves, plants. 202 00:12:55,940 --> 00:12:59,140 Particular plants. It's not tree tops? 203 00:12:59,140 --> 00:13:02,580 Acacia. Acacia. Which is a thorny plant, 204 00:13:02,580 --> 00:13:08,380 which has developed a brilliant strategy for trying to put the giraffes off eating them. 205 00:13:08,380 --> 00:13:14,580 It gives out a very bitter taste. But more impressively, it warns its neighbours when giraffes are coming. 206 00:13:14,580 --> 00:13:17,020 What, by going, "Psst, giraffe." 207 00:13:17,020 --> 00:13:21,460 Basically, yeah. It sends out chemical signals and that provokes the bitter... 208 00:13:21,460 --> 00:13:24,660 And what do they do? Run away? 209 00:13:24,660 --> 00:13:28,860 That's one thing they can't do. "There's a giraffe coming." "Brilliant, thanks." 210 00:13:28,860 --> 00:13:30,500 "Thanks." 211 00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:34,900 "Now, I'll be all fearful before I die." "I'm just telling you." 212 00:13:36,700 --> 00:13:40,940 It's the wind-borne warning burst. 213 00:13:40,940 --> 00:13:46,140 Have you ever done a wind-borne warning...? Oh, never mind. Oh, yes. 214 00:13:47,420 --> 00:13:49,140 But enough of giraffes, I feel. 215 00:13:49,140 --> 00:13:51,060 What's the commonest cause of death...? 216 00:13:51,060 --> 00:13:52,900 DUCK QUACKS 217 00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:54,340 APES SCREECH Wow! 218 00:13:54,340 --> 00:13:56,820 Is it snowboarding accidents? 219 00:13:56,820 --> 00:14:00,900 Almost. With those horns, you'd have a devil's own job getting a helmet on. 220 00:14:01,900 --> 00:14:05,660 Is it assassination? Not assa... Some of them are assassinated. 221 00:14:05,660 --> 00:14:09,420 You said it. Falling off? Falling off mountains. 222 00:14:09,420 --> 00:14:16,980 Are they clumsy? They're not clumsy. They are unbelievably nimble and secure and sure-footed, but... 223 00:14:16,980 --> 00:14:20,340 They show off. No. It's worse than that. They're big drinkers. 224 00:14:20,340 --> 00:14:23,660 Three to four times every hour, they... 225 00:14:23,660 --> 00:14:26,380 They flip over like those toys that you wind up. 226 00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:32,060 They try and fly! 227 00:14:36,700 --> 00:14:38,460 They use their horns to... 228 00:14:38,460 --> 00:14:41,060 Scratch their arses. 229 00:14:42,180 --> 00:14:44,620 Fight. Fighting. Fighting. 230 00:14:44,620 --> 00:14:48,060 Fight! They fight. Fighting. 231 00:14:48,060 --> 00:14:50,980 There they are. Look at that. 232 00:14:50,980 --> 00:14:53,740 And that's what... Knock each other off the mountain. 233 00:14:53,740 --> 00:14:57,860 They know each other off each other's perches. Oh, heavens. 234 00:14:57,860 --> 00:14:59,260 Who put them up there? 235 00:14:59,260 --> 00:15:03,100 So that is an example... Help! Help! 236 00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:09,500 It's the fastest-growing tree in the world. They all stand there and it goes... 237 00:15:12,060 --> 00:15:13,740 Oh, dear. 238 00:15:13,740 --> 00:15:16,900 Well, I think we've cleaned this tree off. Let's go, shall we? 239 00:15:16,900 --> 00:15:19,620 Very little left here. 240 00:15:19,620 --> 00:15:22,980 I used to be a goat herdsman. So I could get them down for you. 241 00:15:22,980 --> 00:15:26,540 Wouldn't that just be a goatherd? Sorry? Wouldn't that just be a goatherd? 242 00:15:26,540 --> 00:15:29,700 Rather than a herdsMAN? Yeah, sorry. 243 00:15:30,980 --> 00:15:32,540 When I was a goatherdsman... 244 00:15:35,740 --> 00:15:41,700 When I was a goatherd man, manny thing, I could have got those down for you, no problem. 245 00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:44,380 What goat-herding technique would you use? 246 00:15:44,380 --> 00:15:47,660 Doo-doo-doo be-gat! 247 00:15:47,660 --> 00:15:51,380 Really? That one moved! 248 00:15:51,380 --> 00:15:58,460 Why do we say, "He's a bit of an old goat?" Are they randy? I think they are quite randy, goats. 249 00:15:58,460 --> 00:16:02,380 I could sense after a few weeks, they found me more and more attractive. 250 00:16:02,380 --> 00:16:05,380 Do you know why? Is it because they know we've got money? 251 00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:11,620 Money and cars. They're actually quite shallow. 252 00:16:11,620 --> 00:16:15,620 They see the cars and the sexy clothes and the music and the gold. 253 00:16:15,620 --> 00:16:19,620 They're like WAGs. Wives and goats. 254 00:16:19,620 --> 00:16:22,500 What it is, is our sweat. Under our arms, 255 00:16:22,500 --> 00:16:26,500 we have a sort of goaty smell and female goats go mad for it. 256 00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:34,340 So if you wish to attract a female goat, a nanny, yup. Waft a bit of your underarm at her. 257 00:16:34,340 --> 00:16:40,420 I used to be in a forest with 26 goats and I never got one approach. Not one. 258 00:16:40,420 --> 00:16:42,580 Not a nibble. Nothing. 259 00:16:42,580 --> 00:16:46,260 Now I feel quite hurt. Because you were using the Lynx. 260 00:16:46,260 --> 00:16:51,700 What did seagulls contribute to the war effort? Seagulls?! 261 00:16:55,540 --> 00:16:58,820 You give a television technician Photoshop... 262 00:16:58,820 --> 00:17:04,660 Did they steal food out of the hands of the enemy soldiers so they'd starve to death? 263 00:17:04,660 --> 00:17:09,340 Is it like parrots in the Eiffel Tower? They kept parrots in the Eiffel Tower 264 00:17:09,340 --> 00:17:12,940 to warn when aircraft were coming and they'd go, "Aircraft coming." 265 00:17:12,940 --> 00:17:16,500 That's true. They did. 266 00:17:16,500 --> 00:17:19,340 Surely they'd say, "Des avions viennent," or something? 267 00:17:19,340 --> 00:17:22,980 Yes, obviously. I was translating for the audience. Fair enough. 268 00:17:22,980 --> 00:17:26,780 No, it's not that, but again, we have to be in the right war. 269 00:17:26,780 --> 00:17:30,300 First World War? The First World War, '14 to '18. A message service? 270 00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:34,820 No. There was a new threat which had never been seen in warfare before. 271 00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:37,140 Aeroplanes. That was one. 272 00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:40,100 In another medium. Submarines. 273 00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:44,020 Submarines, yes and... What good is a seagull with a submarine? 274 00:17:44,020 --> 00:17:46,620 Well, let's try and put it all together, shall we? 275 00:17:46,620 --> 00:17:48,660 LAUGHTER 276 00:17:48,660 --> 00:17:50,780 Now, one of the problems with a submarine, 277 00:17:50,780 --> 00:17:55,420 is that you can't see it. There was no sonar in the First World War so how do you know where they are? 278 00:17:55,420 --> 00:18:02,300 If they surface. Before they surface another thing that a submarine does is pop up... 279 00:18:02,300 --> 00:18:04,140 Pop up a periscope. 280 00:18:04,140 --> 00:18:08,340 So if you could train a seagull to flock towards periscopes, 281 00:18:08,340 --> 00:18:12,300 by putting food all over the periscopes on your own submarines, 282 00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:16,460 so that it would associate the submarine with food and flock to it, 283 00:18:16,460 --> 00:18:21,460 whenever there was a submarine, the seagulls would flock towards it. 284 00:18:21,460 --> 00:18:24,980 You'd be on the ship and go, "There must be a submarine over there." 285 00:18:24,980 --> 00:18:27,460 Did they train every seagull in the world to do this? 286 00:18:27,460 --> 00:18:28,940 This is the problem. 287 00:18:28,940 --> 00:18:32,620 Did they keep flocks of seagulls, so to speak, on ships? 288 00:18:32,620 --> 00:18:36,900 The flaw in the plan is putting food all over your periscope so you can't see where you're going. 289 00:18:36,900 --> 00:18:41,140 They'd only do that in the training area. Oh, I see, sorry. 290 00:18:41,140 --> 00:18:46,020 But while they were there, they got them, not just to recognise the enemy's periscope, 291 00:18:46,020 --> 00:18:49,900 but to poo all over it so that it would blank out the lens. 292 00:18:49,900 --> 00:18:51,740 THEY GIGGLE 293 00:18:51,740 --> 00:18:54,020 That's a terrible plan. It will never work. 294 00:18:54,020 --> 00:18:57,860 Sounds like something out of Blackadder. "That will do it. That will work." 295 00:18:58,860 --> 00:19:00,900 IMPERSONATES LORD MELCHETT 296 00:19:00,900 --> 00:19:04,500 It was a grand plan. Did not work, I'm afraid. 297 00:19:04,500 --> 00:19:07,980 The gulls couldn't distinguish between enemy... They were idiots. 298 00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:11,580 They couldn't distinguish between enemy submarines and home ones. 299 00:19:11,580 --> 00:19:15,740 More importantly, when I said seagull, I was making an ornithological mistake. 300 00:19:15,740 --> 00:19:19,700 Um, albatross. No, they're not seagulls. Terns. 301 00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:22,340 Terns? Gulls. They're just gulls. 302 00:19:22,340 --> 00:19:25,540 They're not seabirds, gulls. They're land birds. 303 00:19:25,540 --> 00:19:31,380 They don't go far out to sea at all. They live on the edge of the land, admittedly, on cliffs. 304 00:19:31,380 --> 00:19:33,980 Do they have webbed feet? 305 00:19:33,980 --> 00:19:37,420 They don't go that far out. So if you're looking for a submarine... 306 00:19:39,860 --> 00:19:41,940 Is this upsetting your world view? 307 00:19:44,340 --> 00:19:46,180 Seagulls! 308 00:19:46,180 --> 00:19:50,980 If you're looking for a submarine in the middle of the Atlantic, the birds say, "I'm not going that far." 309 00:19:50,980 --> 00:19:52,700 Yes. They don't go that far out. 310 00:19:52,700 --> 00:19:56,820 During the First World War, seagulls were trained to find German submarines 311 00:19:56,820 --> 00:20:02,260 and crap on their periscopes. Pretty clear message, but what is this camel trying to tell you? 312 00:20:02,260 --> 00:20:04,220 What's going on? 313 00:20:05,580 --> 00:20:07,620 ALL: Eurgh! 314 00:20:07,620 --> 00:20:10,660 A very disgusted audience. They don't like what they see. 315 00:20:10,660 --> 00:20:12,780 Is he saying Jeremy Kyle's on in a minute? 316 00:20:15,300 --> 00:20:17,260 What are we looking at there? 317 00:20:17,260 --> 00:20:20,300 I presume it's a tongue. Or is it a sausage? 318 00:20:20,300 --> 00:20:24,980 It's not his tongue, amazingly. Is it his stomach? No, it's his palate. 319 00:20:24,980 --> 00:20:31,020 He can blow part of his soft palate out. It's called the palatinus diverticulus. 320 00:20:31,020 --> 00:20:38,300 It's known as a "gula" and it's used in mating. It's used to attract females. 321 00:20:38,300 --> 00:20:40,500 Oh, you sexy beast, you. 322 00:20:40,500 --> 00:20:43,540 It's a heck of a thought. It's not working for me. 323 00:20:43,540 --> 00:20:45,580 It appears to be sticking out its tongue. 324 00:20:45,580 --> 00:20:49,980 The camels with the most testosterone have the biggest gula. That's what they tell you. 325 00:20:50,940 --> 00:20:54,660 It's like that nonsense about bald men being full of testosterone. 326 00:20:54,660 --> 00:20:56,660 Bless! 327 00:20:56,660 --> 00:20:57,900 But, you know... 328 00:21:00,500 --> 00:21:01,900 What? Oh... 329 00:21:07,780 --> 00:21:09,620 Way-hey! 330 00:21:09,620 --> 00:21:16,460 He's not insulted cos he doesn't know. Bill doesn't know he's bald. 331 00:21:16,460 --> 00:21:20,300 He's convinced he's got a big, thick, luscious head of hair. 332 00:21:21,940 --> 00:21:24,460 Down my back there is. 333 00:21:24,460 --> 00:21:25,660 I've got that. 334 00:21:28,500 --> 00:21:33,420 Anyway, they blow out their gula and they make a blib-blib noise. 335 00:21:33,420 --> 00:21:37,540 That's the best they've come up with after all these years. 336 00:21:37,540 --> 00:21:40,460 In Saudi Arabia, why would they cut the gula out? 337 00:21:40,460 --> 00:21:44,940 To stop it... So they breathe better for camel racing. 338 00:21:44,940 --> 00:21:45,980 Oh, camel racing. 339 00:21:45,980 --> 00:21:51,020 Actually, in Saudi Arabia, they import camels from... Kent. 340 00:21:53,860 --> 00:21:57,300 You set them up so well, Stephen. 341 00:21:57,300 --> 00:22:00,020 That's very kind of you. No. Not from Kent. 342 00:22:00,020 --> 00:22:02,060 From... BILL: Hertfordshire. 343 00:22:02,060 --> 00:22:06,140 Let's disabuse ourselves... Australia. Australia is the right answer, yes. 344 00:22:06,140 --> 00:22:09,740 Thank you. But why would they import them? What do they need them for? 345 00:22:09,740 --> 00:22:11,620 Um... 346 00:22:11,620 --> 00:22:14,580 They're very good at cricket, the Australian ones. 347 00:22:14,580 --> 00:22:16,940 Australian camels are much fitter than the... 348 00:22:16,940 --> 00:22:21,820 AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: We like sports. The big outdoors. 349 00:22:21,820 --> 00:22:25,940 No. They don't use them to race. They don't use them for transport. 350 00:22:25,940 --> 00:22:28,180 They import them for... Food. Breeding? 351 00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:29,660 Meat. Camel meat. 352 00:22:29,660 --> 00:22:32,940 They tell them they're going to have a lovely camel race. 353 00:22:32,940 --> 00:22:37,420 AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: You'll love it over there, mate. Away you go. Good luck. 354 00:22:37,420 --> 00:22:41,020 Give us a call when you've won your first race. 355 00:22:42,580 --> 00:22:48,660 They also import from Australia, the Saudi Arabians... Something else. Barmen. 356 00:22:48,660 --> 00:22:52,220 That would be stupid, barmen in Saudi Arabia. 357 00:22:53,420 --> 00:22:56,060 Sand. Sand? Sand? 358 00:22:56,060 --> 00:22:58,660 They love irony, don't they? 359 00:22:58,660 --> 00:23:00,740 They always see the other side of a joke. 360 00:23:00,740 --> 00:23:03,940 It's because the sand in Saudi Arabia is the wrong kind of sand for... 361 00:23:03,940 --> 00:23:06,540 Golf. Throwing in people's eyes. Building. 362 00:23:10,900 --> 00:23:15,540 Male camels impress the ladies by blowing a balloon called a gula out of their mouths. 363 00:23:15,540 --> 00:23:20,620 Speaking of blowing bubbles, why don't goldfish swim into the side of their bowls? 364 00:23:20,620 --> 00:23:24,420 They're not stupid. Because they're not stupid?! Yeah. 365 00:23:27,620 --> 00:23:32,300 They don't use their eyes to know it's glass, so what do they use to know it's there? 366 00:23:32,300 --> 00:23:36,380 The pressure of the water or... The pressure of the water is the right answer. 367 00:23:36,380 --> 00:23:43,020 They have pressure sensors, similar to the ones we have in our ears and they activate little gelatinous caps 368 00:23:43,020 --> 00:23:49,900 that activate hairs in the same way as our cochlear fluid to tell us there's pressure in our ears. 369 00:23:49,900 --> 00:23:53,540 Goldfish don't have hairs. You don't see them with different styles. 370 00:23:53,540 --> 00:23:54,860 Emo fish. 371 00:23:57,220 --> 00:24:00,820 Love what you've done with your goldfish. 372 00:24:02,220 --> 00:24:05,900 It seems they do. Sharks have the same thing. They have neuromasts as well. 373 00:24:05,900 --> 00:24:09,420 They're called the ampules of Lorenzini. 374 00:24:09,420 --> 00:24:12,180 And they detect not pressure, but... 375 00:24:12,180 --> 00:24:14,220 Fear. 376 00:24:14,220 --> 00:24:15,740 Well, no. Electricity. 377 00:24:15,740 --> 00:24:19,620 Because a lot of fish give off electricity as a weapon. 378 00:24:19,620 --> 00:24:22,020 They know when you've left a light on. 379 00:24:22,020 --> 00:24:25,900 He's really beautiful, look at him. He's a biggie. He's a biggie. 380 00:24:25,900 --> 00:24:28,980 There's a nurse. Is that a nurse? Is that a nurse?! 381 00:24:28,980 --> 00:24:33,780 Well, obviously, I was referring to the brand of shark. 382 00:24:33,780 --> 00:24:37,340 I suddenly had an image of you in a home. 383 00:24:38,820 --> 00:24:41,980 Nurse! Aah! 384 00:24:45,820 --> 00:24:48,100 Oh, Lordy, bless. Anyway, 385 00:24:48,100 --> 00:24:53,380 instead of their eyes, fish use a system of pressure detectors along the side of their body to navigate. 386 00:24:53,380 --> 00:24:58,060 So the light fades and our guests head bravely for the waterhole 387 00:24:58,060 --> 00:25:02,820 in the full knowledge that any moment, they are likely to be dragged underwater 388 00:25:02,820 --> 00:25:07,060 and devoured by the savage ghillie monster of General Ignorance, so fingers on buzzers. 389 00:25:07,060 --> 00:25:09,060 Why are there no insects in the sea? 390 00:25:12,100 --> 00:25:15,060 LAUGHTER 391 00:25:15,940 --> 00:25:18,980 APES SCREECH Yes, Bill. 392 00:25:18,980 --> 00:25:23,660 Because the... It's too far... 393 00:25:24,980 --> 00:25:27,620 JOHN: Yes. Yes. That's right. 394 00:25:28,460 --> 00:25:29,660 Because it's too far. 395 00:25:29,660 --> 00:25:31,300 It's too far. 396 00:25:32,900 --> 00:25:37,020 Because water makes them explode. 397 00:25:37,020 --> 00:25:40,380 But there are insects in rivers. Saltwater. 398 00:25:40,380 --> 00:25:44,500 It's not the saltwater because there are saltwater spiders. 399 00:25:44,500 --> 00:25:46,380 Plenty of sea spiders. 400 00:25:46,380 --> 00:25:47,980 The currents are too strong. 401 00:25:47,980 --> 00:25:51,420 Spiders are not insects. Ha-ha! 402 00:25:51,420 --> 00:25:53,700 That's what I'm saying. There are spiders. 403 00:25:57,620 --> 00:26:01,940 No, it seems to be because there are no trees and no flowering plants. 404 00:26:01,940 --> 00:26:07,140 Nothing that they have evolved to deal with exists in the sea. 405 00:26:07,140 --> 00:26:09,700 Spiders could live in the sea because they hunt. 406 00:26:09,700 --> 00:26:13,140 It's a shame, really. Yeah. There you go. 407 00:26:13,140 --> 00:26:16,260 Who goose-stepped their way across Europe in the 1940s? 408 00:26:16,260 --> 00:26:18,300 PARROTS SCREECH 409 00:26:18,300 --> 00:26:19,420 Was it a goose? 410 00:26:19,420 --> 00:26:20,460 No. 411 00:26:20,460 --> 00:26:22,660 CLAXON SOUNDS 412 00:26:24,140 --> 00:26:26,180 It was worth a try. It was. 413 00:26:26,180 --> 00:26:30,700 Who goose-stepped their way across Europe in the 1940s? Well, I mean... 414 00:26:30,700 --> 00:26:32,900 You know. What? What? 415 00:26:32,900 --> 00:26:34,740 What are you reluctant to say, Alan? 416 00:26:34,740 --> 00:26:37,900 Any reference to the, uh... 417 00:26:37,900 --> 00:26:40,580 Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! Oh, Hitler? No. 418 00:26:40,580 --> 00:26:44,060 CLAXON SOUNDS 419 00:26:45,780 --> 00:26:49,020 The Nazis didn't goose-step in the 1940s. The Russians. That's right. 420 00:26:49,020 --> 00:26:50,940 But why? 421 00:26:50,940 --> 00:26:54,580 Because they had incredibly stiff starch. 422 00:26:54,580 --> 00:26:56,260 No, but why was the Nazis wrong? 423 00:26:56,260 --> 00:26:59,340 Surely they did goose-step? They didn't do the goose-step. 424 00:26:59,340 --> 00:27:03,940 They did do the goose-step, but not in the 1940s. They stopped it in the 1930s. 425 00:27:03,940 --> 00:27:09,900 They only goose-stepped in the early years in the Nuremberg rallies. Did it fall out of fashion? 426 00:27:09,900 --> 00:27:12,100 No new recruits were asked to do it. 427 00:27:12,100 --> 00:27:15,700 They called it their "stechschritt". 428 00:27:15,700 --> 00:27:17,140 Very high impact. 429 00:27:17,140 --> 00:27:20,620 That's Chinese or Korean. That's Korean. 430 00:27:20,620 --> 00:27:22,220 North Korean. That's the point. 431 00:27:22,220 --> 00:27:26,420 It's very hard to do and it shows just how butch, disciplined and clever you are. 432 00:27:26,420 --> 00:27:29,540 You need tremendously flexible hamstrings to do that. 433 00:27:29,540 --> 00:27:33,860 You'd all have to be the same height. You do have to be the same height. 434 00:27:33,860 --> 00:27:35,500 And Korean, apparently. 435 00:27:35,500 --> 00:27:39,660 Well, Korean or Russian or Chinese or Cuban or Vietnamese or Chilean or Iranian. 436 00:27:40,940 --> 00:27:43,340 The Nazis dropped the goose-step in 1940. 437 00:27:43,340 --> 00:27:46,140 Only the Soviets goose-stepped for the rest of the war. 438 00:27:46,140 --> 00:27:49,700 So I know all you care about now are the scores 439 00:27:49,700 --> 00:27:54,020 and I have them in front of me and my word, they are fascinating to behold. 440 00:27:54,020 --> 00:27:59,140 In equal last place on minus seven, Sean and Bill. 441 00:27:59,140 --> 00:28:00,940 APPLAUSE 442 00:28:06,420 --> 00:28:10,780 In third place, on minus four, it's Alan Davies. How respectable is that? 443 00:28:10,780 --> 00:28:13,340 APPLAUSE 444 00:28:14,620 --> 00:28:18,500 In second place, with minus three, it's Sandi Toksvig. 445 00:28:18,500 --> 00:28:20,460 APPLAUSE 446 00:28:20,460 --> 00:28:22,140 Oh, my God. 447 00:28:22,140 --> 00:28:26,620 Which means that our glorious winner is John Hodgman. 448 00:28:26,620 --> 00:28:29,020 APPLAUSE 449 00:28:33,540 --> 00:28:36,900 Well, that's it from Sandi, John, Sean, Bill and Alan and me. 450 00:28:36,900 --> 00:28:40,260 I leave you with a simple truth gleaned from the blogosphere. 451 00:28:40,260 --> 00:28:46,380 "Friendship is like wetting your pants - everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth." 452 00:28:46,380 --> 00:28:47,980 Goodnight. 453 00:29:04,020 --> 00:29:07,060 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 454 00:29:07,060 --> 00:29:10,100 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk