1 00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:30,440 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:37,720 Gooooood evening! Good evening, good evening, good evening, 3 00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:40,360 and welcome to QI where we have prepared for you 4 00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:44,040 a veritable gallimaufry of gaffes, gammons and other gingambobs. 5 00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:48,040 On the panel tonight we have the gotch-gutted Hugh Dennis. 6 00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:51,280 APPLAUSE 7 00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:52,880 What does that mean? 8 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:56,720 A glimflashy grinagog, Phill Jupitus 9 00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:58,960 APPLAUSE 10 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:03,360 A gravy-eyed, gundiguts, Andy Hamilton. 11 00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:06,200 APPLAUSE 12 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:10,840 And a proper gilly gaupus, Alan Davies. 13 00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:13,600 APPLAUSE 14 00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:18,800 And to attract my attention tonight, the buzzers are all on a Georgian theme. Hugh goes... 15 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:24,640 OBOE PLAYS STATELY MELODY 16 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:26,280 Ah. Andy goes... 17 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:31,320 BASSOON PLAYS JAUNTY TUNE 18 00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:32,560 LAUGHTER 19 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:33,600 Phill goes... 20 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:36,680 JOLLY MELODY ON STRINGS AND FLUTE 21 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:38,400 LAUGHTER 22 00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:45,320 Wow! And Alan goes... 23 00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:48,360 MUSIC: "When I'm Cleaning Windows" by George Formby 24 00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:50,000 LAUGHTER 25 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,240 It's George Formby. 26 00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:54,840 # When I'm cleaning windows. # 27 00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:57,320 Yes, George Formby. Excellent. 28 00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:59,200 APPLAUSE 29 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:06,840 You might have been able to tell, that I've been reading my 18th century book of Georgian slang. 30 00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:10,920 And I called you gravy-eyed. What do you think that means? 31 00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:13,280 Eyes like gravy? 32 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:18,520 Well, rheumy, runny eyes. Glimflashy? 33 00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:22,520 It means an angry person. I think their eyes are flashing, the glims of their eyes. 34 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:26,840 There is a great phrase called "whiddle my scrap". Do you know what that means? 35 00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:27,960 Does that mean you can 36 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,520 exchange your car for £2,000? 37 00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:31,600 Very good! 38 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:36,320 No, to whiddle somebody's scrap means to see their game, see what they're up to. 39 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:38,640 He whiddled my scrap. 40 00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:42,920 And so, I have decided to institute a game of whiddle my scrap. 41 00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:45,960 It's an early version of Call My Bluff. 42 00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:48,600 So let's play whiddle my scrap. Let's have a word. 43 00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:52,800 Let's have your team. You've got to do it as Robert Robinson or I'm not playing. 44 00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:57,240 AS ROBERT ROBINSON: Ah, it's a gentleman of three outs. 45 00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:00,160 What can it mean? What can it mean? Andy has the answer. 46 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:02,400 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 47 00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:06,800 A gentleman of three outs was a genteel Georgian expression 48 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:12,040 and it meant, someone without money, without wit and without manners. 49 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:17,960 So they were the three "withouts". It was someone without money, without wit and without manners. 50 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:20,440 Like a sort of Piers Morgan of the 18th century. 51 00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:23,080 Well, before he got rich, yes. 52 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:24,160 Yes, yes! Good. 53 00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:28,000 A gentleman of three outs is a status thing. 54 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:32,040 The 18th century was a period in which many of the great homes were built. 55 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:35,680 Lesser people couldn't afford massive houses, so they built smaller houses. 56 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:37,880 But they put lots of outhouses on them. 57 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:41,480 So if you were a gentleman of three outs it would mean you had 58 00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:48,520 three outbuildings and that would have been a mark of your status and your means. 59 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:55,000 Or, it was Punch Magazine's genteel description of the notorious highwayman, Jonny Tripplearse. 60 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:58,040 LAUGHTER 61 00:03:58,040 --> 00:04:02,240 Now, one of those is maybe more plausible... 62 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:04,840 than the others, I don't know. 63 00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:09,000 Right, so... Ah, team, who's your captain? Who's going to guess? 64 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:10,880 It's a... 65 00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:12,360 THEY GRUNT INCOHERENTLY 66 00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:19,840 I never really used to like Call My Bluff. I thought it was quite boring because of this bit. 67 00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:23,440 I always used to like the bit where someone would go, 68 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:25,840 "I'm leaning towards Hugh..." 69 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:30,160 And they look at you and try and see if you crack. 70 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:33,080 Sometimes they say, "Have a plump, have a plump". 71 00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:35,720 Plump for something. The first one. 72 00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:39,000 The gentleman without manners. Reveal yourself, is it true? 73 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:44,240 It's easy to go for the first one because you couldn't actually remember what it was. 74 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:47,160 What he said. I wasn't really listening. 75 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:50,240 I can't stand Call my Bluff. 76 00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:54,200 This is why... Why are we playing Call My Bluff? It's a shit game! 77 00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:58,320 We've invented a really good game and we're playing a shit one. 78 00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:00,520 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 79 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:05,640 It's a way of allowing our brilliance to stand out. 80 00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:09,360 On Call my Bluff, they're busy playing QI. They're having a right laugh! 81 00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:12,040 Shall I do it the way Diana Rigg would do it? Go on. 82 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:15,240 You're right! 83 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:17,480 APPLAUSE 84 00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:21,280 Now let's have the next word. 85 00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:22,880 And it's... 86 00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:27,600 Grog blossom. Would you like to explain what grog blossom is? 87 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:30,640 It's actually the, kind of, mould 88 00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:34,520 that you get around the inside of a barrel of beer, 89 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:37,600 that you have to clean out before you can use it again. 90 00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:42,680 I'd like to, if I may, do it in the style of the usual, customary, out-of-work actor they used to have 91 00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:48,960 on Call My Bluff who would then really lean into his definition, in an effort to beg for work. 92 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:51,560 Imagine if you will... 93 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:53,760 So true! 94 00:05:55,600 --> 00:06:00,520 ..a lone figure walking across Hampstead Heath... 95 00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:08,360 the sun glinting in his very eyes, for, he is making his way back from an evening at the inn. 96 00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:10,760 Where he has partaken... 97 00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:16,160 of mead and other lascivious beverages. 98 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:17,960 LAUGHTER 99 00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:22,480 Adorning the chin of said stout fellow... 100 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:26,640 are pimples, for they betray his excesses. 101 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:30,480 And these, at the time, were known as... 102 00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:35,120 Marty Fitch, 01287 469, 103 00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:37,200 available for panto. 104 00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:39,840 Grog blossom. 105 00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:41,480 Ah, bravo! 106 00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:43,640 APPLAUSE 107 00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:48,720 So it's some kind of spot caused by drunkenness, 108 00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:54,000 or it's the mould growing on the inside of a barrel of ale. Would you like to confer? 109 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:57,400 I think it's the stuff around the barrel. Do you? The dull one. 110 00:06:57,400 --> 00:07:00,000 Yeah. We're going for the dull answer please. 111 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,280 Alan, true or bluff? 112 00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:04,480 It's a bluff! GROANS 113 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:08,480 So the true answer... So then I have to do it like they do, 114 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:13,200 And of course, the man walking across the common, it was he! Ha-ha! 115 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,480 Yes...it is. 116 00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:18,920 APPLAUSE 117 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:24,000 That's enough gratuitous Georgian grossness, let's look at a notable gaffe now. 118 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:28,760 How did Captain Schlitt's number two sink his own U-boat? 119 00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:34,920 I'm assuming that the good captain was in the bath. This couldn't have happened in an actual... 120 00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:36,280 No, it was a real... 121 00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:38,320 You mean playing with a toy U-boat? 122 00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:39,680 And it was a number two. 123 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:42,040 Oh, I see, a number two in that sense. 124 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:45,360 Yes. Not in the "yes, number one, carry on, number one". 125 00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:49,200 He might have blocked the loo and caused some sort of terrible backup... 126 00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:51,040 affected the ballast. 127 00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:53,680 Imagine how the lavatory on a submarine works. Ah! 128 00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:57,520 Sorry, a bit of a clue. A ruthless competitor! 129 00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,480 LAUGHTER 130 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:02,640 It's something to do with the flush on the toilet. 131 00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:05,080 How does that work when you're underwater? 132 00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:06,920 It sucks it out, but lets water in? 133 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:13,120 Yes. The point is that obviously the lavatorial arrangements of a boat that is submersible are complex. 134 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:17,560 Because you can't just flush the water out, the way you can in an aeroplane or train, 135 00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:21,440 you have to have special training to operate the flush. 136 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:22,480 Or... 137 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:26,800 you shoot a sailor out of the torpedo tube, tied to a rope. 138 00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:29,080 He relieves himself, and you pull him back in. 139 00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:30,640 LAUGHTER 140 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:38,080 Well it seems that what happened was Captain Schlitt, in his U-boat, U-1206, this is April 14, 1945. 141 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:41,000 Just before the end of the war... 142 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:44,040 Oh, how annoying. Very annoying for him! 143 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:48,920 And he has a poo. And he claims that the loo was faulty and didn't work properly. 144 00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:52,520 Klo. Klo as they would say, klo...gebrochen. 145 00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:56,160 IN GERMAN ACCENT: It was not working. 146 00:08:56,160 --> 00:09:00,960 But there is a theory that, in fact, he'd just done a rather monster and unpleasant poo, 147 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:06,520 and was too embarrassed to ask the sailor, who was responsible for the doing of the flushing, to come in. 148 00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:09,560 Because there was a bit of a... 149 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:14,440 And so he did it himself and got it in the wrong order and he filled the place with sewage and water. 150 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:15,960 AUDIENCE GROANS 151 00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:18,640 But more importantly... He just left it? Yeah. 152 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:22,200 As you would if you're in a hotel for example! 153 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:26,560 IN GERMAN ACCENT: There, it was...that was like that when I went in. It was... 154 00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:29,680 Ja, ja. Don't go in that one. My God! 155 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:34,600 So has he climbed out of the tower of the submarine, and the... 156 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:38,000 No, they're underwater, that's the point. Did they perish? 157 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:42,240 Well, what happened is there was this leak, the water came in 158 00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:45,800 and it leaked into... what powered those U-boats? Diesel? 159 00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:46,840 No. 160 00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:49,360 They had a battery. A huge acid battery. 161 00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:52,280 And when the seawater hits the battery it creates? 162 00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:56,200 Chlorine gas, toxic chlorine gas. 163 00:09:56,200 --> 00:10:02,400 And so they had to rise up to the surface to vent, and they were spotted and blown out of the water. 164 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:04,440 So just because he basically... 165 00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:08,000 That's very unfair to shoot a man with his trousers round his ankles. 166 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,040 It is a bit. 167 00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:11,720 Toilet's blocked. This doesn't count! 168 00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:18,560 Captain Karl-Adolph Schlitt sank his own U-boat using nothing more deadly than its own lavatory. 169 00:10:18,560 --> 00:10:21,920 Now, getting up. What gets you up in the morning? 170 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:23,880 LAUGHTER 171 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:27,200 Bizarre picture to choose. But, erm... 172 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:28,600 I'm a writer, 173 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:31,960 and getting up in the morning, isn't really part of my job. 174 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,760 LAUGHTER 175 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:37,000 I used to leave the World Service on overnight, 176 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:42,440 just very quiet on the radio, so I thought I'd wake up quite naturally. 177 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:47,520 But I was listening to Radio Four on the way to work the next day and I heard the news on the radio 178 00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:49,720 and I thought, I dreamed this? 179 00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:52,200 For two days I thought I was psychic. 180 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:56,760 Because I'd been dreaming what I was listening to on the World Service. 181 00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:59,720 I thought, oh my God, I've got the powers! 182 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:06,600 Are there ones you know of? Did you ever use as a child, if you didn't have an alarm clock? 183 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:11,240 This is the old wives one. Bang your head on the pillow, the number of times... 184 00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:13,920 So, one, two, three, four, five, six. 185 00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:16,880 And you would... Wake up at six. With concussion. 186 00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:20,360 Have you not tried that? Maybe you have to have been to a boarding school. 187 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:23,400 If you were doing a raid on the kitchens or something, 188 00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:27,000 we'd say, OK, we'll get up at three and we'll go down to the kitchens 189 00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:32,200 because they had these big blocks of catering jelly, and you'd eat the blocks of jelly... 190 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:35,400 Left out especially for the ones who were going to raid the kitchen. 191 00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:39,840 Probably. The kids have been raiding the kitchen again - better leave some jelly out. 192 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:44,240 We would go, bang, bang, bang, like that. Three, and you'd wake up at three. It seemed to work. 193 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:48,440 We were convinced it did. Sleep researchers say it doesn't. You just wake up a lot 194 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:53,680 because you're not sleeping. And you look at your watch and you only remember the one that works. 195 00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:57,200 You've got a tremendous headache. 196 00:11:57,200 --> 00:12:00,040 You don't get up early. Are you a night owl, do you work late? 197 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:02,040 No. I can get up early if I have to. 198 00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:05,560 Yeah. It's reckoned that 20% of people are genuinely... 199 00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:10,480 you know, it is a difficulty for them because they are larks or owls, as you might say. 200 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:15,440 They are early or late, and that's to say they fall asleep at dinner parties if they're a lark, 201 00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:17,440 and just can't get up if they're an owl. 202 00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:20,560 Teenagers are owls, aren't they? Young children are larks, 203 00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:25,080 teenagers are owls. Very old people tend to get back to being larks again and rise early. 204 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:29,440 It's very irritating if people do get up very early, they will justify that by saying, 205 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:32,000 best part of the day. Best part of the day. 206 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:34,400 It's not! It's just part of the day. 207 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:38,320 I see another bit of the day... When nothing's open. 208 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:43,400 There are things that happen early in the morning that are different if you've stayed up for them, 209 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:47,040 than if you've woken up to them. Like, it's three or four in the morning 210 00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:50,960 and you're having an all-nighter and you hear the binmen and you feel guilty. 211 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:55,440 You hate the fact the morning's come. If you wake up to it, you think, yes! It belongs to me! 212 00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:57,160 It's a big difference, isn't it. 213 00:12:57,160 --> 00:13:00,600 I used to live in a house in Hernhill and I had the room at the front. 214 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,760 And there was one binman who thought he could sing. 215 00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:08,160 And at six in the morning he would sing, Don't Cry For Me Argentina. 216 00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:10,760 But he could never get the last note. So you had... 217 00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:13,600 LAST NOTE INCORRECT: # Don't cry for me, Argentina... # 218 00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:15,520 LAUGHTER 219 00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:17,240 No! 220 00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:20,080 It used to vary, morning to morning. 221 00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:24,200 And it was... I was that close to insanity, 222 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:27,040 cos he was my lark, every morning. 223 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,400 Rex Harrison did your bins?! 224 00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:33,080 He had two sisters called Marge and Tina, didn't you know? 225 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:35,920 Hee-hee! 226 00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:40,560 Do you know what the American Indians supposedly did to ensure they got up for a dawn raid? 227 00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:42,640 They didn't have alarm clocks. 228 00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:45,160 Leave the window... leave the curtains open? 229 00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:47,480 No. Dogs? 230 00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:50,840 They would drink lots of water. So they needed a wee. 231 00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:54,040 So you would have to get up for a wee. MIT produced a clock 232 00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:58,520 which, when you press the snooze button, it runs off and hides... 233 00:13:58,520 --> 00:13:59,960 Ha-ha! 234 00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:02,720 ..so that when it rings again you have to get up to stop it. 235 00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:08,200 And it's programmed each day to hide in a different place, so it's never in the same place. Quite clever. 236 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:11,360 They are working on really important projects. 237 00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:16,520 And there's another one, which is an alarm clock in the shape of a dumbbell. 238 00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:20,600 You can't shut it up unless you do 30 reps. So it's a way of getting fit 239 00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,640 and waking up at the same time. 240 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:27,000 What a deeply demoralising - that clock thing - demoralising start to the day. 241 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,240 You've been outwitted by a clock. 242 00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:34,240 The first thing that's happened in your day, the clock's given you the run-around for half an hour. 243 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:40,320 There's another one, which every time you press the snooze button, it's got an on-line connection, 244 00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:43,040 you donate money to a political cause you hate. 245 00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:47,600 That's quite clever, isn't it. 246 00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:51,080 We've got a clock, it's like a cuckoo clock, but it's a monkey. 247 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:53,880 And he comes out and goes, Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! on the hour. 248 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:57,800 But only ever when I'm saying something important. 249 00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:02,560 Unbelievable. I'll be saying, now look, no. The thing is, what you've got to understand... 250 00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:04,520 Ooo! Ooo! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! 251 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:09,200 And one day it's going to end up like the cuckoo clock in Steptoe And Son. 252 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:13,080 Like waiters is restaurants, when you've reached the punch line of a joke. 253 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:16,600 And so she says... And who's having the lamb? Very annoying. 254 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:21,720 Well there you go, there are of course many cunning ways of waking yourself up without an alarm clock. 255 00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:24,920 American Indians swore by a nice full bladder. 256 00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:28,040 Here are samples of handwriting from our panellists. 257 00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:32,680 I want you to match the handwriting to the panellist and see what you can say about it. 258 00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:36,520 Give reasons if you can. Obviously don't say your own, cos you'll know your own. 259 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:39,120 "Hello, my name is Phill Jupitus." 260 00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:43,360 I wonder who that could be. I think there's a clue in that one. 261 00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:47,520 It's rather good handwriting. It's quite, sort of, calligraphically learnt. 262 00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:50,360 "Dear Points Of View, I wish to complaint about QI." 263 00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:52,720 Can I ask why I'm wearing a beret? 264 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:54,320 LAUGHTER 265 00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:57,600 In my photo, that's the eyebrow I can't control. 266 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:04,800 People always think that I'm being quizzical when they say something. I can't, It's just up there. 267 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:06,840 Is it on its way up, or on its way down? 268 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:08,120 I've no idea. 269 00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:11,160 So, any thoughts? What about, I must not answer back to... 270 00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:15,080 D is Phill. D is Phill. I think there's a strong chance it's Phill. 271 00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:18,480 I know that D is Andy, cos he writes on my scripts. 272 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:20,120 Rude things, 273 00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:22,160 when we're filming. 274 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:24,880 Does he have that fine handwriting? It is very fine. 275 00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:28,120 Yes, that is me. Congratulations on fine handwriting. 276 00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:33,240 A graphologist would say of yours, that cos it's mostly joined up, logical, systematic thinker. 277 00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:37,920 Some words are more spaced than others, therefore open, honest, but deep in thought. 278 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:40,920 Sociable because of the slightly forward slant to the right. 279 00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:46,440 Right. So, OK that's good. We can eliminate D as being Andy Hamilton. 280 00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:49,480 I think C is Alan. 281 00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:51,280 Because it's the untidiest? 282 00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:53,560 No, I just think it's Alan. 283 00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:55,880 Don't know why. Is it you, Alan? 284 00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:57,840 Yes. It is. Oh, that's really good. 285 00:16:57,840 --> 00:16:58,880 How did you know? 286 00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:01,880 Did you watch me doing it earlier? 287 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:05,840 No, I just thought, that looks like Alan wrote it... 288 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:08,000 LAUGHTER 289 00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:11,280 ..which is the only way you can play this game. 290 00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:16,360 Close lettering is unstable apparently. 291 00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:17,520 Oh. 292 00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:20,920 There wasn't much room on the bit of paper. No? Ah... 293 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:22,920 I had to squeeze it in to get it in. 294 00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:27,360 Letters not mostly joined up - sometimes does things without thinking. 295 00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:29,800 It was a big, fat pen! You can't do joined up. 296 00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:31,800 You gave me a marker pen! 297 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:34,920 B and A left. I think Phill and I can probably work out... 298 00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:37,240 The logical thing. So B is Phill, yeah? 299 00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:42,440 No. B is Hugh. It's quite good handwriting. It's quite flowing, 300 00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:45,400 quite feminine almost. Well, you know... 301 00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:50,480 I'm very in touch with that part of my nature. 302 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:54,160 It's very nice handwriting. Does it say anything about me? Yeah. 303 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:57,000 Joins up most, but not all letters. Artistic and intuitive. 304 00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:01,120 Self-control, egotism and coldness on the other hand because it's upright. 305 00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:03,160 Why's being upright mean that... 306 00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:08,520 It doesn't. It must be understood, the British Psychological Society, and any imperative test ever done 307 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:13,880 has shown that graphology, as a way of interpreting character, has zero validity. 308 00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:15,040 Like astrology. 309 00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:17,920 So this is a bit of a, kind of, non-round? Yeah. 310 00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:24,000 But no, it's interesting to know that. And even in America it's not allowable in court. 311 00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:25,880 Forensic... 312 00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:26,920 Sorry! 313 00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:29,280 I mean, you know, but... 314 00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:37,440 Forensic graphology, where you prove that this person did write this, that is allowable. 315 00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:40,640 But the idea that you can interpret character is absolute nonsense. 316 00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:44,200 I must say, I'm not looking forward to the DNA round. 317 00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:49,800 The worrying thing about it is that 3,000 British businesses use graphologists for recruitment. 318 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:53,920 They actually hire people on the basis of a completely specious... 319 00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:56,240 Good a way as any though, isn't it? 320 00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:58,040 But it's botty water! 321 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:03,840 Girls have nicer handwriting than boys though, don't they? 322 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:07,760 That is one thing you can often, not 100%, but you can tell gender. 323 00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:10,080 And you thought I was a girl! 324 00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:11,880 Not always, I said not 100%. 325 00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:16,080 We actually Tipp-Exed out the smiley-faced dots over the eyes. 326 00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:20,680 I like yours, Phill, your "A"s. It says here, about self-control, egotism, coldness, 327 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:23,720 unstable, sometimes does things without thinking. 328 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:26,120 I'm with you there. Yeah. Unstable. 329 00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:27,160 Whoa! 330 00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:29,720 Thinking of having a fight. Who is the coldest? 331 00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:34,480 Let's both get a 99 and just stand there with it. 332 00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:36,800 First one to melt loses. 333 00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:41,360 Whoa. I thought I was cold. 334 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:45,000 Phew! He is cold. So you did a handwriting test? 335 00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:48,360 Yeah, I sat a test to become a French train driver. 336 00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:49,800 What?! 337 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:57,480 My friend's dad was psychologist for SNCF, and in France they had this idea that, you know, 338 00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:02,400 a responsible job like a train driver, you ought to find out if the person's a maniac or not. 339 00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,280 We don't bother with that. And... 340 00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:08,240 So I sat the test, and there was a handwriting element. 341 00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:15,400 What they did was, you had to hold the pen in your wrong hand, and there was a kind of rubber ring 342 00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:19,800 around the middle, and you had to try and trace over what was written there. 343 00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:26,520 If it drifted up the page, you were assertive, or possibly too aggressive. 344 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:31,240 And if it went down the page, you were deemed to be too passive. 345 00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:32,840 Good Lord. 346 00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:37,560 What was really interesting was the tests were all actually common sense. There was one 347 00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:41,840 where they said, press that pedal if it's green, that if it's red, that if it's yellow 348 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:45,920 and you'll hear a hooter if you get it wrong. You did it for about 15 seconds 349 00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:50,920 and then they arbitrarily sounded the hooter. And it was just to see if you went to pieces or not. 350 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:55,000 I'm fascinated how you can drive a train too passively though. What do you do? 351 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:59,880 How can you be too passive? Ooh, we're going terribly fast. 352 00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:02,360 Ooh, no! You're turning into Alan Bennett. 353 00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:08,000 Well there you are. How can you tell when you're a victim of the Goldilocks effect? 354 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,280 BASSOON PLAYS JAUNTY TUNE 355 00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:12,960 You feel just right. 356 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,320 Ah. 357 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:19,200 That's sort of exactly what a Goldilocks anything is. Because that's the nature of Goldilocks. 358 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:23,320 Absolutely right. It's all about, this one's too much, that one's too little, 359 00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:25,280 this one is just right. 360 00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:29,480 The Goldilocks effect is used in business. 361 00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:33,880 You set a price for something.... Then you set three bears on them. 362 00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:40,440 You have a range of three and the most expensive one is unbelievably expensive. 363 00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:45,960 The second on is really a quarter as much and it seems just as nice, really. 364 00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:50,840 Then there's a third one that's really very cheap and most people will go for the second one. 365 00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:55,600 They think it's just right. They think, The first one's too expensive. That's a bargain! 366 00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:59,160 A good example, supposedly, of Goldilocks pricing is the airfare. 367 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:03,840 Basic economy price for a transatlantic airline is about £500. 368 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:07,440 There's business class for a mere £3,500. 369 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:13,800 Then first class with a full size bed and the ability to order food whenever you want for £8,000. 370 00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:17,680 And, according to Goldilocks pricing, business class with all its perks 371 00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:23,440 looks like a bargain compared to the £8,000 even though it's still seven times as expensive as economy. 372 00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:27,720 I was talking to Steve Cram once. He's a very nice chap, very fast runner. 373 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:29,960 He said that when they make trainers, 374 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:35,720 they have to make some that are extremely expensive because people will buy them. 375 00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:39,600 If they don't, the other manufacturer will charge £200 for basically... 376 00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:43,600 Once you get to about £60, this was ten years ago so maybe it's a bit more now, 377 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:46,600 then they're really about the same after that. 378 00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:49,840 Once you get to £100, £120, £150, you're just giving them money. 379 00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:52,960 That's prestige pricing, which is, again, bizarre. 380 00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:58,000 If something is expensive enough, people will believe it must be quality and they see me coming... 381 00:22:58,000 --> 00:22:59,920 They see those people coming! 382 00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:03,160 There are other Goldilocks things. 383 00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:08,760 There's a Goldilocks zone - the distance from the sun a planet has to be in another solar system, 384 00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:12,240 which would support water where it wouldn't be too hot or too cold. 385 00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:17,480 There you are, anyway, Goldilocks pricing is a technique where one item is given a huge price tag 386 00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:20,960 to help persuade us that the next one down is relatively good value. 387 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:24,040 Now we're off to Ireland where the policemen are called...? 388 00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:27,680 Guards. Guards, the Garda, exactly. Did you hear about 389 00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:32,640 the Irish policeman who tried to arrest a Polish driving licence? 390 00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:34,480 Do you know this story? You do? 391 00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:41,320 I sort of... Someone was done for speeding or something in lots of different parts of Ireland? Yeah. 392 00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:42,520 That's exactly right. 393 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:47,440 He had 50 offences against him and was fast becoming the most wanted motorist in Ireland. 394 00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:53,440 But Prawo Jazdy is a master criminal because he had different driving licences with different addresses. 395 00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:58,520 This Prawo Jazdy had all these... Goodness knows what he was up to apart from the driving offences! 396 00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:04,840 That was what everyone was puzzled by. They really wanted him but it turned out one Garda member said, 397 00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:07,000 IN IRISH ACCENT: I think, I may be wrong, 398 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:10,760 but Prawo Jazdy is the Polish for driving licence. 399 00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:16,480 And, red faces all round, the Garda had... There it is - Prawo Jazdy. 400 00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:23,960 Hang on a minute! The fact it said permis de conduire above it might have been a hint but there we are. 401 00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:27,840 They're still looking for his brother, Rzeczpospolita Polska. 402 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:32,440 On the subject of driving licences, guess who had the first driving licence in the world? 403 00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:33,920 The Queen. 404 00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:37,440 No, oddly enough, you couldn't be "wronger" because the Queen has...? 405 00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:39,520 No driving licence. No driving licence. 406 00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:44,480 She's the only person in Britain who doesn't have a driving licence yet who drives. Cheat! 407 00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:50,120 I mean, in a legal way. She's the only one who has no legal need for a driving licence. 408 00:24:50,120 --> 00:24:55,800 What does she show them at Blockbusters to prove her address and that? 409 00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:57,600 A £20 note. 410 00:24:57,600 --> 00:24:59,000 LAUGHTER 411 00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:01,200 That would do it. 412 00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:03,880 APPLAUSE 413 00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:09,480 Well, no, but the first ever driving licence, not surprisingly, perhaps. Who invented the motorcar? 414 00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:15,600 Mr Benz. Mr Benz, Karl Benz, as in Mercedes Benz. Yeah, exactly. 415 00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:19,240 He just made one for himself? No, the citizens demand... 416 00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:24,240 IN GERMAN ACCENT: I think I need a licence! It's a dangerous machine. 417 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:28,120 I need a licence to drive. 418 00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:29,960 Now I can drive. 419 00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:36,960 IN GERMAN ACCENT: Driving licence number one. Zero zero zero one. 420 00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:40,080 'I bet the first thing he did when he got on the road' 421 00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:41,640 was stop the next bloke and go, 422 00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:44,280 IN GERMAN ACCENT: "Where is YOUR licence?" 423 00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:46,800 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Oh, dear. 424 00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:50,840 IN GERMAN ACCENT: I will issue you with the licence. 425 00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:53,320 It's five marks. 426 00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:56,960 Zero zero zero TWO! 427 00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:00,560 Good day to you! 428 00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:03,000 Where is your licence? 429 00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:05,840 I will issue you with a licence. 430 00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:07,920 Five marks. 431 00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:11,480 Zero zero zero three. 432 00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:16,640 I don't know how he kept making the cars. Yeah, he was so busy! 433 00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:20,440 The authorising body was called the Dampfkessel Uberwachungs-Verein 434 00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:23,320 which means the Steam Boiler Supervision Association, 435 00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:27,000 which granted the first mandatory licences in Prussia. 436 00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:28,920 IN GERMAN ACCENT: The SS...A. 437 00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:31,160 LAUGHTER 438 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:36,920 Until the 14th of May, 2002, women in Lithu... He was still doing it! No. 439 00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:42,120 Number one million one thousand... 440 00:26:42,120 --> 00:26:43,960 Five euros. 441 00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:47,120 Where is your licence? 442 00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:50,160 LAUGHTER 443 00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:54,640 In Lithuania in that year, women had to undergo a certain test in order to get a licence. 444 00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:58,600 What do you think that test was? In where? Lithuania? Yes. Smear test? 445 00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:02,400 Yes, a gynaecological examination. You're joking! 446 00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:09,200 I don't know... There was one man who ran the entire office. He paid... Oh, right. 447 00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:17,000 It is rather bizarre. Well... The Chinese have multiple choice driving test questions, 100 of them. 448 00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:22,520 One of them includes, "If you come across a road accident victim whose intestines are lying on the road, 449 00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:28,080 "should you pick them up and push them back in?" Is the answer yes or no? 450 00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:33,200 I should think you don't push them back in... You're right. ..I would have thought. I'm not a doctor! 451 00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:36,960 Didn't they have that weird thing in the cultural revolution in China? 452 00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:40,680 Traffic lights here are green for go and red for stop. 453 00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:45,600 They thought, during the cultural revolution, that that was incorrect and red should mean go 454 00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:48,600 because, culturally, Communism and all the rest of it... 455 00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:51,360 But they failed to change all the traffic lights, 456 00:27:51,360 --> 00:27:56,960 so on some traffic lights green was go and on some red was go and they had thousands of accidents 457 00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:03,280 and then they had to, sort of, change it back. Wow. Hence the probability of intestines lying on the road. 458 00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:06,960 Probably where it came from in the first place. A practical question. 459 00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:10,720 They're not actually green. They're kind of blue. Yes, they can be. 460 00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:13,840 Because red and green is a very common colour blindness, 461 00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:20,480 so when they first did red and green it was a disaster for some people, who just carried straight on. 462 00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:24,360 They couldn't tell whether it was the top or the bottom. No, so the green... 463 00:28:24,360 --> 00:28:27,760 If I see a black and white film, I can tell which light's on, can't you? 464 00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:29,240 But not in the dark, Stephen! 465 00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:34,240 You are relying on the colour, let's face it, usually. You're right. I'm sorry. 466 00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:37,640 Can we not argue? That is what the terrorists want. 467 00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:39,960 LAUGHTER You're right! 468 00:28:39,960 --> 00:28:43,480 Thank you, voice of sanity. 469 00:28:43,480 --> 00:28:48,360 I did hear a character in a film once say, "Don't look at the lights, the lights never hit anyone." 470 00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:51,440 That's quite a good motto for driving. It is. 471 00:28:51,440 --> 00:28:55,080 IN GERMAN ACCENT: This is one I will use! 472 00:28:55,080 --> 00:28:58,920 Don't look at ze lights, ze lights never hit anyone. 473 00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:02,840 Ausgezeichnet. 474 00:29:02,840 --> 00:29:05,840 We're motoring along nicely here, so can you tell me 475 00:29:05,840 --> 00:29:11,000 what travels from Land's End to John O'Groats every year 476 00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:17,600 at about one third of a mile per hour but it slows down a bit on hills. 477 00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:21,040 Does it specifically go from there to there or... 478 00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:26,720 It goes from the south to the north but it includes going from Land's End... Is it a tectonic wave or..? 479 00:29:26,720 --> 00:29:30,800 No, not a tectonic wave. I don't know if they exist. I just made it up, I think. 480 00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:35,840 It's something slightly more abstract. It's a phenomenon, which you were sort of getting towards. 481 00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:38,200 Is it dress sense? 482 00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:46,560 If we're talking about moving from the south to the north... Ooh, careful! Now, now. Now, then. 483 00:29:46,560 --> 00:29:50,920 The Gulf Stream or something? Is it a windy thing? It's seasonal. It is a season. 484 00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:52,480 Winter? Spring. 485 00:29:52,480 --> 00:29:58,560 Spring is the answer. Spring takes eight weeks to get from the very south coast, 486 00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:03,240 all the way up to the very north and up to the Orkneys. But what's the definition of spring? 487 00:30:03,240 --> 00:30:08,320 There's a phenotype analysis you can do of particular common plants blooming. 488 00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:13,880 Anyone from the Midlands who goes to London will say, "Oh, my God, they've already got daffodils out." 489 00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:16,120 Or they'll go north and say, "They haven't got tulips yet." 490 00:30:16,120 --> 00:30:19,600 It's very noticeable. They're too lazy to sow the bastards! 491 00:30:19,600 --> 00:30:22,160 It's like when the weather man on Radio Four goes, 492 00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:26,080 "You might like to make note that it's the first day of spring today." 493 00:30:26,080 --> 00:30:33,320 IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: No, it's not! I think you'll find I'm still freezing here. 494 00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:35,240 Eight miles a day it does? Spring? 495 00:30:35,240 --> 00:30:38,080 Is that what we're saying? 496 00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:43,320 It takes about eight weeks to get from John O'Groats and that's about a third of a mile per hour. 497 00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:49,280 You could walk and just beat spring. Yeah. You could. It's a weird thought. Very weird. 498 00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:55,600 If you timed it with a daffodil and walked at exactly the right speed, it'd go pop-pop-pop-pop. 499 00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:57,840 And it would be rather beautiful. 500 00:30:59,120 --> 00:31:01,440 I'm in touch with my feminine side! 501 00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:05,040 You're responding to your handwriting beautifully. 502 00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:10,000 It's the phenological observations, as they call them, of the various things that trigger spring. 503 00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:13,480 It's a rather wonderful thought, spring moving up like that. 504 00:31:13,480 --> 00:31:15,400 Why do birds fly south in the winter? 505 00:31:15,400 --> 00:31:18,520 I thought you were going to sing Close To You! To go to Margate. 506 00:31:18,520 --> 00:31:20,400 Because it's too far to walk. Bah. 507 00:31:22,000 --> 00:31:25,200 They're going because it's warmer presumably, aren't they? 508 00:31:25,200 --> 00:31:28,840 What's the advantage of the warmth? Well, you feel nicer. 509 00:31:28,840 --> 00:31:33,280 More food to eat. There's nothing like the sun on your feathers. 510 00:31:33,280 --> 00:31:37,080 It's the insects. In the north, in the frozen earth, you can't get at them 511 00:31:37,080 --> 00:31:42,000 or they've died or are in a dormant state and are not available. Food for the birds is not there. 512 00:31:42,000 --> 00:31:43,280 So it is food. 513 00:31:43,280 --> 00:31:47,200 Spring travels north through Britain at around one third of a mile per hour 514 00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:50,680 but arrives two days later for every hundred foot of elevation. 515 00:31:50,680 --> 00:31:52,760 As we're travelling at a snail's pace, 516 00:31:52,760 --> 00:31:57,400 never mind snail mail, what happened to the snail telegram or telegraph? 517 00:31:57,400 --> 00:31:59,200 LAUGHTER 518 00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:01,360 That's not it, is it? That's just... No. 519 00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:08,600 An amazing young Frenchman called Benoit had a theory that when two snails, male and female, mated 520 00:32:08,600 --> 00:32:15,200 that forever afterwards they had a telepathic power. There's some mating snails for you. 521 00:32:15,200 --> 00:32:20,040 And that, no matter how far away they were, that they could communicate thoughts to each other. 522 00:32:20,040 --> 00:32:26,640 So, he raised money to develop this system where he had a sort of dish 523 00:32:26,640 --> 00:32:30,880 to which he glued 24 snails 524 00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:35,280 which he labelled A to Z, missing out, I think, Q and X possibly. 525 00:32:35,280 --> 00:32:39,000 And then the mates of each one he did the same to on another dish 526 00:32:39,000 --> 00:32:41,160 and the other dish could go to New York, 527 00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:46,280 all he had to do was wibble the A and the A in New York would wibble because it had mated with the... 528 00:32:46,280 --> 00:32:50,000 And so you'd send your message by typing snails 529 00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:54,840 and the person at the other end would watch the snails vibrate and read out the message. 530 00:32:54,840 --> 00:32:58,920 But, as I say, the amazing thing is, he found someone to invest in this. 531 00:32:58,920 --> 00:33:01,560 LAUGHTER 532 00:33:01,560 --> 00:33:04,520 And that, gentlemen, is how we broke the Enigma code. 533 00:33:04,520 --> 00:33:10,040 Isn't it fantastic? It was called the Pasilalinic - 534 00:33:10,040 --> 00:33:15,720 a sympathetic compass using "escargotic" vibration. 535 00:33:15,720 --> 00:33:21,680 Those snails are just disgusting. Lying all over each other. Will they stop it! Get a room! 536 00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:27,920 Technically, they have got a room. They carry their room around with them! That's their thing. 537 00:33:27,920 --> 00:33:30,840 Is it wrong to be aroused now? Because I am. 538 00:33:30,840 --> 00:33:36,600 Anyway, sadly the Pasilalinic Sympathetic Compass or snail telegraph simply didn't work. 539 00:33:36,600 --> 00:33:41,160 Whilst on the subject of gadgetry, however, what's the point of those machines? 540 00:33:41,160 --> 00:33:47,120 Ah. That's, eh, an eternally filling glass in the middle. Never empty. 541 00:33:47,120 --> 00:33:52,120 Perpetual motion. Oh, points to the man, absolutely! They're all perpetual motion machines. 542 00:33:52,120 --> 00:33:56,520 Or attempts to design perpetual motion machines. What is a perpetual motion machine? 543 00:33:56,520 --> 00:34:00,840 One that never stops? One that is in motion in perpetuity, Stephen. Yes. 544 00:34:00,840 --> 00:34:07,000 You're asking a silly question. Think, boy! There's more to it - there must be no input of energy. 545 00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:10,400 No energy in but you should be able to get energy out. 546 00:34:10,400 --> 00:34:14,800 Because it's moving. And it transgresses what law? 547 00:34:14,800 --> 00:34:18,120 Thermodynamics. The first and second laws of thermodynamics. 548 00:34:18,120 --> 00:34:22,080 There's a Simpsons episode where Lisa builds a perpetual motion machine. 549 00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:25,400 Homer says, "In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!" 550 00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:29,240 It is a great line, but the point is they can never work. 551 00:34:29,240 --> 00:34:34,600 Leonardo actually did drawings of attempted perpetual motion machines. 552 00:34:34,600 --> 00:34:37,640 He realised... He's drawn a chocolate orange from the top. 553 00:34:37,640 --> 00:34:40,360 Oh, yes! LAUGHTER 554 00:34:40,360 --> 00:34:44,760 How boring have you got to be to draw a diagram of how to take a chocolate orange apart? 555 00:34:44,760 --> 00:34:48,480 He invented a lot of things but I didn't know he invented that. 556 00:34:48,480 --> 00:34:53,920 He wrote in his notebook, "Oh, ye seekers after perpetual motion, how many vain chimeras have you pursued? 557 00:34:53,920 --> 00:34:56,320 "Go and take your place with the alchemists." 558 00:34:56,320 --> 00:35:02,200 So he spotted quite early on that it was never going to work. Sadly, our universe is not made in such a way. 559 00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:05,640 You'd only need one and you could power the world from it, in theory. 560 00:35:05,640 --> 00:35:12,000 You only need one and you could power the world from it! Sorry, Mr Bond. 561 00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:18,360 That brings us now, grumbling to the gizzards of general ignorance, 562 00:35:18,360 --> 00:35:20,280 so fingers on buzzers, if you would. 563 00:35:20,280 --> 00:35:23,600 Take a child and give them a really sugary drink. What happens? 564 00:35:23,600 --> 00:35:25,840 I haven't got any kids. I've no idea. 565 00:35:25,840 --> 00:35:29,040 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 566 00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:34,120 But, speaking as an uncle, 567 00:35:34,120 --> 00:35:39,800 I'm often discouraged from giving them too much chocolate because they go, in quotes, mental. 568 00:35:39,800 --> 00:35:42,440 Aah, right. Is that it? 569 00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:44,280 No, it's odd. 570 00:35:44,280 --> 00:35:47,120 Almost every mother watching this will disbelieve me 571 00:35:47,120 --> 00:35:52,120 when I say that medical evidence shows that sugary drinks do not cause hyperactivity. 572 00:35:52,120 --> 00:35:54,840 They do NOT cause... I know, it's shocking. 573 00:35:54,840 --> 00:35:58,640 You're all going, "You should see mine. It does. I swear to you, it does!" 574 00:35:58,640 --> 00:36:03,520 It doesn't. Maybe it's just any sort of fuel so if you gave them a drink of water or an apple... 575 00:36:03,520 --> 00:36:07,680 You do test the children who do this by giving them drinks which have no sugar at all, 576 00:36:07,680 --> 00:36:10,120 though the parents THINK they have sugar... 577 00:36:10,120 --> 00:36:13,280 It's the parents that change! The parents PERCEIVE it. 578 00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:17,560 And the parents who perceive it are the ones who most hover over their children 579 00:36:17,560 --> 00:36:20,720 and are most critical of their children's behaviour anyway. 580 00:36:20,720 --> 00:36:27,000 They're the ones who apparently notice it. Was this research funded by Coca Cola? 581 00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:32,240 We trialled this question on the QI website and none of the mothers believed us. 582 00:36:32,240 --> 00:36:36,040 They all said, "I don't care what the scientists say, my child goes nuts." 583 00:36:36,040 --> 00:36:39,960 I don't believe it either but then I am very in touch with my feminine side. 584 00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:42,680 Kids dip quite quickly anyway, don't they? 585 00:36:42,680 --> 00:36:47,040 If you keep giving them something to snack on, they'll go up again. 586 00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:51,920 That's how it works with my nephews. They run around for a bit then go, "Oh... Uh... Oh..." 587 00:36:51,920 --> 00:36:56,800 They go, "Ugh, I want to go home." The you give them a sandwich and they go, "We're up!" 588 00:36:56,800 --> 00:37:01,960 It seems to be quite hard work keeping an even keel through the day. 589 00:37:01,960 --> 00:37:03,600 I think that's generally true. 590 00:37:03,600 --> 00:37:07,920 We know you won't believe us but sugary drinks don't make children hyperactive. 591 00:37:07,920 --> 00:37:10,080 That's why we call it general ignorance. 592 00:37:10,080 --> 00:37:14,000 However, what happens if you leave teeth in a glass of cola overnight? 593 00:37:14,000 --> 00:37:16,480 They completely dissolve and disappear. 594 00:37:17,400 --> 00:37:21,160 KLAXON WAILS 595 00:37:21,160 --> 00:37:22,840 No, it turns out they don't. 596 00:37:22,840 --> 00:37:26,280 There was a famous occasion in 1951. 597 00:37:26,280 --> 00:37:30,320 A doctor appeared before the House Of Representatives special committee. 598 00:37:30,320 --> 00:37:32,920 He was called Clive McKay of Cornell University. 599 00:37:32,920 --> 00:37:37,400 To dramatise his testimony, he said that a tooth left in a glass of Coke 600 00:37:37,400 --> 00:37:39,920 would begin to dissolve after two days. 601 00:37:39,920 --> 00:37:44,080 Even if his claims were accurate, it is of absolutely no relevance whatsoever 602 00:37:44,080 --> 00:37:50,480 because you don't soak your teeth in it. Isn't that the one that cleans your money? 603 00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:54,120 I believe it does. HP sauce. That's really good at cleaning money. 604 00:37:54,120 --> 00:37:57,280 It's the vinegar - that's what does it. Is that it?! Yeah. 605 00:37:57,280 --> 00:38:00,840 All that money I've been wasting on HP sauce...! 606 00:38:00,840 --> 00:38:06,120 I used to drink a lot of Coke in my early teens and my mum used to say, 607 00:38:06,120 --> 00:38:11,720 "You shouldn't drink Coke because it stains the inside of your stomach." 608 00:38:11,720 --> 00:38:14,240 LAUGHTER 609 00:38:14,240 --> 00:38:17,720 That's going to put the girls off, isn't it(?) Yeah. 610 00:38:17,720 --> 00:38:23,200 How do you know that's not true? You don't but you think, "If I ever see the inside of my stomach, 611 00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:27,720 "it's probably going to be a bit late to worry about what colour it is." 612 00:38:27,720 --> 00:38:32,720 I can't wait, Andy. I don't like to talk about a friend's death but at your post-mortem... 613 00:38:32,720 --> 00:38:38,080 Look at this, terrible stained intestine... Coke-coloured tripe. 614 00:38:38,080 --> 00:38:44,200 My goodness. Well, they do cause tooth decay but not as much, as we discovered in a previous QI, as...? 615 00:38:44,200 --> 00:38:46,120 Jam. No. 616 00:38:46,120 --> 00:38:51,360 Crisps, potato crisps. There is far more tooth decay caused by them. No! 617 00:38:51,360 --> 00:38:55,400 Yes. Because they stay on your teeth? Yeah, they stay there and hang around. 618 00:38:55,400 --> 00:39:02,040 Here's one you might actually believe. Name an ape that walks just on two feet and isn't human. 619 00:39:02,040 --> 00:39:06,320 Because we obviously walk on two feet rather than on our hands. Only on two feet? 620 00:39:06,320 --> 00:39:08,960 Yeah, it doesn't... Orang-utan? No. 621 00:39:08,960 --> 00:39:12,640 KLAXON WAILS 622 00:39:12,640 --> 00:39:18,760 They use the back of their hands, like this. Is it a monkey with a tail? I seem to remember seeing... 623 00:39:18,760 --> 00:39:26,000 A monkey with a tail? It's got a tail for balancing. We need more from you there, Phill! 624 00:39:26,000 --> 00:39:30,440 Baboon, gibbon, chimp... Oh, you've said it! Baboon. No. Gibbon, chimp. Yes. 625 00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:34,000 KLAXON WAILS 626 00:39:34,000 --> 00:39:39,000 Gibbon is the right answer. The funky gibbon, in particular. The funky gibbon especially. 627 00:39:39,000 --> 00:39:41,080 Here are some gibbon. 628 00:39:41,080 --> 00:39:46,840 Look at it go! Look at it go! It looks so shifty, like it's just nicked something. 629 00:39:46,840 --> 00:39:51,160 It looked like he had the Mission Impossible music in his head. 630 00:39:51,160 --> 00:39:55,040 I can do this - do-do... That's rather good, isn't it? That's Russell Brand! 631 00:39:55,040 --> 00:39:59,800 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 632 00:40:01,040 --> 00:40:07,560 Do they do that just to taunt the other apes? They probably do. "Can you do this? I can." 633 00:40:07,560 --> 00:40:11,840 It's considered to be a more primitive way of walking, the way we do and gibbons do. 634 00:40:11,840 --> 00:40:15,840 Seems to have been earlier than the four. I know, that's weird. 635 00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:17,400 Let's finish with an easy one. 636 00:40:17,400 --> 00:40:22,680 I want you to sort these creatures and phenomena into age order. 637 00:40:22,680 --> 00:40:26,240 Which is the oldest? Oldest to youngest. 638 00:40:26,240 --> 00:40:28,280 I'd put A first. The Himalayas. 639 00:40:28,280 --> 00:40:32,080 Yeah. Hmm. No, they're quite young, that's why they're tall. 640 00:40:32,080 --> 00:40:37,880 Tall mountains are young because they haven't been worn down... They are the youngest thing on the board. 641 00:40:37,880 --> 00:40:41,120 They are the youngest of all. They're ONLY 20 million years old. 642 00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:43,440 I think D, C, B, A. 643 00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:50,720 D, C, B, A is not bad... D, C, A, B. It's actually C, D, B, A. Oh, right. 644 00:40:50,720 --> 00:40:53,560 The oldest is the spider, then the cockroach, 645 00:40:53,560 --> 00:40:57,400 then the triceratops, then the Himalayas. 646 00:40:57,400 --> 00:41:01,760 In fact, it's quite interesting, which is, after all, our business. 647 00:41:01,760 --> 00:41:07,680 Ants are contemporaneous with dinosaurs but cockroaches pre-date them by at least 55 million years 648 00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:10,760 and spiders are even older - 300 million years ago. 649 00:41:10,760 --> 00:41:14,080 If the spider's first, what did it catch? 650 00:41:14,080 --> 00:41:16,640 LAUGHTER Damn, that's good. 651 00:41:16,640 --> 00:41:21,520 Flies but not cockroaches. So, the fly was first? 652 00:41:21,520 --> 00:41:25,400 Ha! Which came first, the spider or the fly? A really good question. 653 00:41:25,400 --> 00:41:28,360 There's a lot of webs and spiders going, "Come on." 654 00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:31,720 Out of innocent ignorance, childish wisdom spills out. 655 00:41:31,720 --> 00:41:38,640 I'm only teasing, you know! No, the dinosaurs lived from the Late Triassic, 230 million years ago, 656 00:41:38,640 --> 00:41:41,160 to the Cretaceous, 65 million years ago. 657 00:41:41,160 --> 00:41:43,920 And Mount Everest was only 25 million years. 658 00:41:43,920 --> 00:41:47,960 So, it's 25 million years younger than the youngest dinosaur. 659 00:41:47,960 --> 00:41:52,960 Hmm. A whippersnapper. That looks like the pictures from the worst spelling book ever. 660 00:41:52,960 --> 00:41:55,560 LAUGHTER 661 00:41:55,560 --> 00:41:58,080 There's a "dockroach" in the corner 662 00:41:58,080 --> 00:42:00,360 and I saw a "binosaur"... 663 00:42:00,360 --> 00:42:03,360 LAUGHTER 664 00:42:03,360 --> 00:42:05,480 ..and Alp. Alp, Alp! I get Alp! 665 00:42:05,480 --> 00:42:07,840 That's very good. 666 00:42:07,840 --> 00:42:09,520 Well done, everybody. 667 00:42:09,520 --> 00:42:12,840 The "Himal-ee-as" or "Himal-eye-as" or "Hima-lay-las"... 668 00:42:12,840 --> 00:42:15,640 or the Himalayas, as human beings say... 669 00:42:15,640 --> 00:42:17,800 LAUGHTER 670 00:42:17,800 --> 00:42:21,080 The Himalayas have only been around for 40 million years. 671 00:42:21,080 --> 00:42:24,760 The last dinosaurs died out 25 million years before they were formed. 672 00:42:24,760 --> 00:42:29,520 Spiders and cockroaches are even older than dinosaurs. That's it. Let's look at the scores. 673 00:42:29,520 --> 00:42:34,520 Oh, my goodness gracious me! We have a clear winner with plus four points, would you believe? 674 00:42:34,520 --> 00:42:36,800 Hugh Dennis! APPLAUSE 675 00:42:36,800 --> 00:42:40,040 A good score. Thank you very much. 676 00:42:40,040 --> 00:42:42,040 But also in the black with plus two, 677 00:42:42,040 --> 00:42:44,520 it's Andy Hamilton! Gosh! APPLAUSE 678 00:42:44,520 --> 00:42:46,720 That's never happened before! 679 00:42:46,720 --> 00:42:49,040 17 behind, with minus 15, 680 00:42:49,040 --> 00:42:51,000 Phill Jupitus! APPLAUSE 681 00:42:51,000 --> 00:42:53,040 Ooh! Aw! 682 00:42:53,040 --> 00:42:58,080 Oh, and way down with the cockroaches at minus 56, Alan Davies! 683 00:42:58,080 --> 00:43:01,320 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you. 684 00:43:06,600 --> 00:43:09,720 So, it's farewell from Hugh, Andy, Phill, Alan and myself. 685 00:43:09,720 --> 00:43:13,880 I'll leave you with the story of a couple who went to the Natural History Museum 686 00:43:13,880 --> 00:43:18,160 and they saw the big dinosaur skeleton and asked the attendant how old it was 687 00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:22,600 and he said, "It's 65 million and 14 years and three months old." 688 00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:27,240 They said, "That's amazing. Is that carbon dating? How can you tell so precisely?" 689 00:43:27,240 --> 00:43:31,280 He said, "No. When I first came here, they told me it was 65 million years old 690 00:43:31,280 --> 00:43:33,760 "and I've been here 14 years and three months." 691 00:43:33,760 --> 00:43:35,200 Thank you. Goodnight.